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Thread: Reminiscence-PsyFlameShipping One-Shot

  1. #1
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    Default Reminiscence-PsyFlameShipping One-Shot

    Hi. This is my 1st fic, and it is really crap. But remember, I'm 13, so don't be too harsh!

    REMINISCENCE
    A PsyFlameShipping fic by Aqua’s Dolphin
    She lay back, gracefully reclining on a fallen tree. She was watched hungrily, by a male several feet away. His face was in shadow, making him unidentifiable. The sight of her, there in all her splendour, surrounded by a picturesque forest, was too much for him. He let out a strangled moan of longing.
    “Voir?” She, the beautiful Gardevoir, looked up. A handsome Blaziken was standing over her. They looked into each other’s eyes, and felt the same thing: love.
    They drew together, overcome with passion.
    “Hold it right there.”
    They looked up. Instinctively, Blaziken stepped in front of his lover, as if to shield her from any harm. Unbeknownst to either before that moment, a mysterious figure veiled in black was watching their every move.
    “Milotic, HydroPump!”
    For the second time, the duo were taken unawares as the human stepped aside, revealing a harsh, scarred Milotic. It blasted a torrent of water from its mouth.
    Blaziken gritted its teeth, preparing for the inevitable.
    But it never came.
    As he opened his eyes, he saw the attack drifting aimlessly in front of him, emanating a golden glow. At the same time, Gardevoir fell gracefully sideways, fainted from the strain of neutralising such a powerful attack. Blaziken fell to his knees, cradling his fallen lover. A single tear fell onto her, only to be washed away by the torrent that hit her lover in the back of the head.
    Gardevoir awoke, and stumbled inelegantly to where Blaziken lay. He appeared to be asleep, but with a sinking in her heart he would never wake up. She buried her head in her hands and wept, for the only one she would ever love, was gone forever.

  2. #2
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    Well, the plot could be good, but you need A LOT more. It's too short IMO, you need to give more details on what is happening. Please don't use the age excuse, I'm 12 and can write more then that.


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  3. #3
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    Pretty good try here... although there is one thing that any other person who reads this will pick up on, not just myself.

    It's too short.

    I'm not going to diss the fic... as said I found it pretty good even though Blaziken is not my number one Pokemon... but you could have elaborated on certain parts. Why was this mysterious trainer attacking Blaziken and Gardevoir? Was it down to jealousy or just for the Hell of it? Could Blaziken and Gardevoir have put up more of a fight then just being hit by pair of Hydro Pumps? Could there have been more interaction between the two before the trainer's appearance?

    Please don't take this harshly and please don't think of yourself as a crap writer. I still liked reading it. ^^

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vycksta View Post
    Pretty good try here... although there is one thing that any other person who reads this will pick up on, not just myself.

    It's too short.

    I'm not going to diss the fic... as said I found it pretty good even though Blaziken is not my number one Pokemon... but you could have elaborated on certain parts. Why was this mysterious trainer attacking Blaziken and Gardevoir? Was it down to jealousy or just for the Hell of it? Could Blaziken and Gardevoir have put up more of a fight then just being hit by pair of Hydro Pumps? Could there have been more interaction between the two before the trainer's appearance?

    Please don't take this harshly and please don't think of yourself as a crap writer. I still liked reading it. ^^
    Not at all offended, it's just when i write long stories they get a bit drawn-out. I'll bear it in mind though, and as this is my 1st, i WILL get better.

  5. #5
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    This...is going to get closed. It's not a page long, even if you triple space it. Don't worry about drawing things out--it's always better to say too much than to not say enough. And honestly, there isn't enough.

    It's far from a horrible first try despite all of that, so don't get discouraged! Keep trying and I'm sure you'll do just fine. Your grammar is fine, though you do have a few extra commas...
    Bishies: Luppi & Lady Bat|C.Bishie: Clopin|VG.Bishie: Gale|Pokemon: Ariados
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    Quote Originally Posted by taitofan View Post
    This...is going to get closed. It's not a page long, even if you triple space it. Don't worry about drawing things out--it's always better to say too much than to not say enough. And honestly, there isn't enough.

    It's far from a horrible first try despite all of that, so don't get discouraged! Keep trying and I'm sure you'll do just fine. Your grammar is fine, though you do have a few extra commas...
    Sorry. Whenever i start a thread, it either dies or gets closed.
    Apart from making it longer, what else can i improve?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aqua's Dolphin View Post
    Not at all offended, it's just when i write long stories they get a bit drawn-out. I'll bear it in mind though, and as this is my 1st, i WILL get better.
    What I find amusing is that this is your first fic. What were you writing before then? Black matter fiction?

    But yes, way to short. Of course, it would be fine if you tack the title "Prologue" to the beginning.

    You can't even call it a short short story - it's only a pathetic 300 words.

    Come on...

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