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Thread: Wishing Star [Advanceshipping One-Shot]

  1. #1
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    Default Wishing Star [Advanceshipping One-Shot]

    Ok, this is my first fanfic, so go easy on me plz. if you are not an advanceshipper, and you strongly disagree with the pairing, no one is forcing you to read it. so, dont. Please R+R!

    Wishing Star
    A group of teenagers were sleeping in a clearing in the forest. Through the trees, you could see the stars, twinkling every few seconds….. If you were awake. Everyone was asleep, including an auburn haired girl called May. As she laid asleep, her unconscious mind slipped towards the Wishing Star charm she bought last summer.

    *sigh…* “I guess I didn’t complete the charm after all.” thought May in her dreams.
    “How stupid could I be?! I missed out the last day!” She thought of her lost wish, and tears started to fall. “I guess I’ll never get my wish after all.”
    As though on cue, a bright light shone in front of her, materializing into a green Pokemon. Surprised, may asked, “Who are you?”
    Without a word, the green Pokemon took May through a mysterious tunnel. May felt as though she was being pulled through time itself.
    As quick as it had come, it was gone.
    “What was that?” wondered May.
    Taking in her new surroundings, she noticed that she was at the clearing where her group stopped last night. However, she was alone. Looking up, she noticed a streak across the night sky.
    “The shooting star,” breathed May, “now’s my chance!”
    She closed
    Getting the Wishing Star charm out of her fanny pack, she slowly and carefully folded the last corner of the charm.
    She closed her eyes and wished as hard as she could. “I wish… he loved me.” Suddenly, the charm became enveloped in light, and disappeared.

    With that bright flash of light, May came to her senses. Looking around, he noticed that everyone else was asleep. She cocked her head sideways, to see that the raven haired boy, Ash, was asleep. Realizing that it was only a dream, May sighed, and went back to sleep.

    The next day, May woke up to find everyone else already awake.
    “Hi May! See you’re up now!”
    Looking around, she saw Ash waving at her. Full of energy, as usual.
    “’Morning Ash…” May let out a forced smile.
    Instantly, Ash knew something was wrong. He decided to talk to her after breakfast.

    Unnoticed, May walked away from her friends, wandering into the forest. She spotted a rock to sit on. Sitting down, she sighed deeply. Then, the tears came.
    “It was only a dream!” sobbed May, “Why does it have to be like this?!”
    May cried at the unfairness of her situation.
    Her thoughts turned to Ash. He had been so kind to her, from the very start. He took her under his wing, and cared for her and supported her. She had to admit, she was in love.

    “May?? Is that you?” A voice came from behind her.
    Turning around, May saw that it was Ash. “Oh, hi Ash.” She hiccupped.
    “What’s wrong, May?” Ash now had a concerned look on his face.
    “Nothing.” May knew herself that she was a terrible liar.
    “Come on, you can trust me. What’s up?”
    May wanted to tell him. She wanted so badly to confess her heart out, to tell him everything.
    However, all that came out was, “It was just a dream…”
    “And…?”
    “Well, you know that charm I got last summer?” asked May. Her face was heating up. She just knew it.
    “At the Jirachi event?”
    “Yeah, that’s the one.”
    “You never got to finish it, did you?” Ash said. Still, he couldn’t quite relate as to how this would make May cry.
    “No Ash, I didn’t. But I had a dream last night that I did.”
    “What did you wish for?”
    “Well…..” May felt her face heat up again, “I wished… that you would…”
    “I would what?” Ash was now really confused.
    “That you would love me… Ash.” May was now as scarlet as the clothes she was wearing.
    Ash just stood there. Dumbstruck. Then, suddenly, he started laughing.
    May, her face red with embarrassment, asked, “What’s so funny?”
    “May,” said Ash, now his face red as well, “that’s impossible.”
    “Oh…” Misty’s face swam before her eyes. She started to cry again. “Ok. Why?”
    Ash, his face as red as May’s now, said, “You can’t get me to love you May…”
    Ash leaned forward and kissed May. Surprised, May kissed him back. May was happy and confused at the same time. They kissed for a few, long seconds before Ash broke off again.
    “You can’t get me to love you, because I already do.”

    THE END!

    Ok, was it good?
    Btw, I dont own Pokemon!


  2. #2
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    very cute, but it may have been better if it were little longer.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    Wishing Star
    A group of teenagers were sleeping in a clearing in the forest. Through the trees, you could see the stars, twinkling every few seconds….. If you were awake. Everyone was asleep, including an auburn haired girl called May. As she laid asleep, her unconscious mind slipped towards the Wishing Star charm she bought last summer.
    It is widely excepted that using the second person (you, your, etc.) is not a very good choice when in third person. Now, if you were writing in a more relaxed first person, it would be a bit more okay. Secondly, why don't you just say May? We should know that he is auburn haired, and this sort of turns the reader off.

    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    *sigh…*
    Why don't you just say that she sighed instead of doing the noobic version? The asterisks aren't used like this when it comes to writing fan fiction *sighs* just in posting.


    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    “I guess I didn’t complete the charm after all.” thought May in her dreams.
    “How stupid could I be?! I missed out the last day!” She thought of her lost wish, and tears started to fall. “I guess I’ll never get my wish after all.”
    As though on cue, a bright light shone in front of her, materializing into a green Pokemon.
    Are you trying to mimic the anime? Because that's what this phrase comes across as.

    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    Surprised, may asked, “Who are you?”
    Capitalize May.

    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    Without a word, the green Pokemon took May through a mysterious tunnel. May felt as though she was being pulled through time itself.
    This SERIOUSLY needs more description. Would she really just lull along like this, even in her dreams? No! She would wonder what the tunnel was for, and wonder why she suddenly felt younger, more energized...

    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    As quick as it had come, it was gone.
    “What was that?” wondered May.
    Taking in her new surroundings, she noticed that she was at the clearing where her group stopped last night. However, she was alone. Looking up, she noticed a streak across the night sky.
    “The shooting star,” breathed May, “now’s my chance!”
    She closed
    What in the world does that phrase have to do with anything?

    Quote Originally Posted by ankokuryu View Post
    Getting the Wishing Star charm out of her fanny pack, she slowly and carefully folded the last corner of the charm.
    She closed her eyes and wished as hard as she could. “I wish… he loved me.” Suddenly, the charm became enveloped in light, and disappeared.

    With that bright flash of light, May came to her senses. Looking around, he noticed that everyone else was asleep. She cocked her head sideways, to see that the raven haired boy, Ash, was asleep. Realizing that it was only a dream, May sighed, and went back to sleep.

    The next day, May woke up to find everyone else already awake.
    “Hi , May! See you’re up now!”
    Comma here, as it is a direct address.

    However, after this the quality picked up a bit. Though you should hit 'enter' twice after every paragraph so that it gets nice, readable formatting.

    Anyway, the plot is pretty usual. It's okay for a first try, but you can get much better.

    First, try to describe things a bit more. This fic was VERY dialogue heavy.

  4. #4
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    yeah, thanks for the tip, i will try to improve. however, i dont think i'll edit my fic. cuz that wont help me improve. also, i agree that it was dialogue heavy, after i read it thru a few times. but meh. :P


  5. #5
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    I like it, for ur first fan fic is was pretty good, i advise u to keep writing!

    Always wondered what she wanted for her wish either Drew or Ash's Heart.

    keep up work

    ~FF

    It's a Forretress, what else needs to be said?
    A video of my friend attemping to jump a fence

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