The Janitor (Comedy/Parody One-Shot) Cert: PG
Three applicants were sitting calmly at a table in a boardroom. Two of them were wearing their black and white uniforms with ‘R’s on their chests while one of them was wearing… nothing. They were Jessie, a long haired woman who claimed that she had style, James, a short haired man who claimed that he was always the man despite crying like a baby most of the time, and Meowth, a cocky little cat. They gave up their jobs as Team Rocket agents in an attempt to get a job with a two-figure weekly salary. They were looking to work for Brian Powell, one of the most hated men in the fanfic industry as he entered the room wearing a tight t-shirt, a pair of jeans and shoes, all black.
A few years ago, Brian left his parents’ house to live alone in his big mansion. Since then, despite that the mansion was always clean, he had been too lazy to do his own housework. He’s now looking for a janitor.
He sat at the opposite side of the table, making himself comfortable. “Now…” he started. “I’ve been told that I’ve got three guys who are at least interested in taking this job. But let me give you a little warning… I don’t like bad grammar, I don’t like horrible plots and I definitely don’t like people who can’t spell to save their own lives but think they can write a story… but that’s another story.
“I don’t like dirt, I don’t like people, I don’t like dirty people, I don’t like people who has dirt on them, I don’t like people who does dirty things, I particularly don’t like Eminem.
“I’m looking for people that can do a great job in cleaning a bunch of places that even my mother, who I don’t get along with anyway, would be proud of.”
He ducked down underneath the table and picked up three envelopes. “I’m setting you three a cleaning task each,” he continued, passing them on to the three applicants. “I expect the furniture so clean I can eat my dinner of them.”
With curiosity in their minds, they opened their respective envelopes to find out their jobs.
For Jessie, she had to clean an SUV, which was quite a large vehicle. She was now wearing a cleaning outfit, much to her disgust. She was taken outside Brian’s mansion where the vehicle was placed. Tony, a huge green dinosaur Tyranitar, was keeping an eye on her. He was Brian’s assistant. He held up a sign that read, ‘Clean up this car.’ He then turned the sign around showing the words, ‘I’m off to get more signs and a new marker pen.’
With that he walked away, leaving Jessie to do her job. With a small moan, she began washing the outside of the car. After that was done, she decided to do the inside. She opened one of the front doors, leading to the driver’s seat and yelped when she saw a frightening figure inside the car.
The figure appeared to be a tall muscular goblin with his head painted red and black as he sat in the driver’s seat glaring nastily at her while drooling out of his mouth. “The wheels of the van go round and round, round and round, round and round,” he sang monstrously slow. “The wheels of the van go round and round, all day long.”
He then let out some evil laughter. “I’m da Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to getcha!” he yelled before starting to laugh again. He quickly picked up a large bell and slammed it on his head, making some clanging noise.
While he continued laughing, the now scared Jessie slowly closed the door. She slowly turned around with a frightened look on her face and stood in one spot for a few moments... until she let out a loud scream and ran away, leaving a cloud dust behind.
Elsewhere, inside the mansion, James was now carrying a vacuum cleaner and other cleaning equipment in his arms. His job was to clean one of the rooms. The tricky part for him was that the lights in that room wasn’t working and couldn’t be switched. “Ah, Bill’s room,” he said to himself after walking up several steps of the stairs, reaching up to the room.
He placed the equipment down before opening the door, entering the room. Despite that the lights weren’t switched on and the curtains were closed, he was able to see almost quite easily thanks to daylight shining from the outside. He could see a bed, a desk, teddy bears and cuddly toys and other types of furniture in the room. Lastly, he spotted a small sheet of paper with some words scribbled on it.
The room was quite dark and he wasn’t able to read the words. “Somebody couldn’t do his handwriting right,” he said to himself as he picked up the paper off the desk and a lighter out of his pocket. He switched his lighter on, making a small fire come out of it, and held it close to the paper, giving himself some light as he read the words carefully.
“Don’t use the lighter?” he read the words out loud before lowering the objects down. “What does that mean? Why?” he asked himself in deep thought. He took a small sniff and smelt something smoky. He lifted the paper and discovered that it was now on fire thanks to the lighter he was holding, much to his shock.
He quickly looked around, finding a place to dump the burning object. Without even thinking, he dumped the paper into a steel made, basket-like bin… which contained a lot more paper. They were all set alight, much to James’s dismay. He looked around frantically.
“Ah-ha! The window!” he cried as he spotted it. “For those who got criticised on telly, for those who may never fall in love, for those who get hated as newbies… I shall send this trash can to the ends of the Earth!” he yelled with triumph in his voice as he kicked the bin away… only to have it hit the closed window, now setting the covering curtains on fire.
He now stood in the kicking position when he kicked bin, now with an unpleasant surprise on his face. “Whoops,” he whimpered to himself.
At Meowth’s location, he had his own cleaning equipment. His task was clean the large set stairs and its supporters in the hallway. But he wasn’t alone; he had his friend Wobbuffet, who escaped unnoticeably from Jessie. “Let’s get started, me old chum,” Meowth said.
“Wobbuffet!” the blue blob croaked enthusiastically.
Unbeknownst to them, a couple of cheeky rodents were running around the scene. One was a little yellow baby mouse Pichu with a neck collar signed ‘Jerry’ and the other was a blue and white squirrel Pachirisu called Patchy. They stopped as they spotted the two pokemon downstairs and Jerry whispered something in Patchy’s ear. They both smiled deviously, so devious that many would picture them having horns on their heads.
Meowth and Wobbuffet were busy cleaning the stairs, with Meowth wiping the banisters and Wobbuffet vacuuming the carpeted steps. Wobbuffet heard a small whooshing sound coming his way and diverted his attention towards it… only to see a big sack slamming into his face, knocking him down and making him roll down the stairs. Meowth turned around in shock, wondering what was going on. To his dismay, he saw some big white markings on the carpet and some on his friend’s face. “Wobbuffet! What do you tink, you’re doin’?” he yelled angrily as he ran into the center of the stairs.
“Wobbuffet!” Wobbuffet croaked alarmingly as he pointed behind Meowth.
Confused, he turned around and got hit by the same sack. He too got knocked down, and also fell down the stairs. After his crash landing, Meowth sat up shaking his head. “Dat smarts,” he moaned before he and his blobby friend looked up and saw Jerry and Patchy sticking their tongues at them while pulling their lower eyelids. The cat realised that they were the ones who swung the big sack like a pendulum. “Let’s get ‘em!” he yelled angrily as he gave chase, with Wobbuffet following him.
But Meowth quickly stopped while the cheeky pokemon ran away. “Wait a minute,” he said. “If we don’t rush like dis but keep our eyes open, dere’s a good chance dat we won’t fall fa da same trick twice.”
“Wobba wobb,” Wobbuffet croaked. They both slowly walked up the stairs, keeping an eye out for the big sack that might crash onto them. What they didn’t noticed, that a very thin wire would be in their way, from one supporter to the other, but it wasn’t to trip them. Meowth was the first to find out when his foot touched the string, getting himself electrocuted, shaking energetically while sparks flowed around his opponent as he stuttered.
That caught his blue blobby friend. “Wobba wobb?” he croaked quizzically as he touched Meowth by the shoulder. Now he felt the same ‘electrifying’ feeling Meowth was suffering.
Jerry and Patchy were looking around the corner of the corridor, seeing what their victims were up to. They both giggled at the aftermath of their trick as Patchy reached for an electrical adaptor plugged into the wall and pulled it out. That stopped their ‘electric attack’ but it made Meowth and Wobbuffet fall down the stairs again, yelling out their painful cries as they hit each step of the stairs until they hit the floor, now with burnt marks on parts of their bodies.
They both slowly sat up. “Do ya know where ma unmarked signs are?” Meowth asked weakly.
They both looked and spotted the pesky Pichu and the cheeky Pachirisu dancing around in circles on top of the stairs, like they were playing ring-a-roses. With angry looks on their faces, Wobbuffet and Meowth stormed up the stairs attempting to catch the little pests.
Jerry and Patchy suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway, a small distance away from the stairs while Meowth and Wobbuffet abruptly stopped when they spotted the wire in front of them. They chortled cheekily, knowing that they won’t fall for the same trick again, and jumped a small jump over the wire.
At the same time, Jerry jumped up and pulled a rope hanging from the ceiling.
A hatch opened and poured a multi-coloured grunge down right on top of Meowth and Wobbuffet, making a huge splat on them and the floor, as they reached to the top of the stairs. They were totally smothered by the messy grunge as they tried to keep their balance but they keep on slipping, falling to the floor. Soon, Meowth slipped again and fell down the stairs, hitting each step of the stairs, until he hit the lower floor face-first.
Wobbuffet couldn’t keep his balance either as he fell down the stairs as well and fall on top of his chum. “Get… off me!” Meowth muffled with Wobbuffet being on top of him.
Wobbuffet rolled off Meowth’s flattened body. They slowly sat up, now looking at the pesky pair as they were standing on the higher floor, pulling their faces. Tears began to form in Meowth’s eyes. He slammed his head on the floor and began hitting his paw on the floor. “I can’t take it anymore!” he cried, bawling like a baby.
“Wobbufe-e-e-e-t!” Wobbuffet wailed as he did the same.
Meanwhile, Jessie was dragging Tony along to show what she saw in the car she was cleaning. “I’m telling you, Tony!” she cried. “There’s a Boogeyman in that car!”
In response, the uninterested Tony was raising a sign marked, ‘Boogeymen hang around in closets’. He then turned the sign marked, ‘Just get on with your work, Jessie.’
“I’m telling you, Tony, he’s in this car!” she cried when she reached up to the car’s door. She opened the door and to her surprise... the Boogeyman was no longer there. “But... he was there,” she said in shock. “I saw him myself.”
Tony was still not interested in it as he held up another sign, ‘Perhaps he went off to play hide and seek in a fish bowl. Now get on with your work’. He then slammed the door shut, tossed the sign aside and walked off leaving Jessie confused.
Seeing that there was no more reason to be scared, she shrugged it off and decided to go on cleaning. She opened the same driver’s door... only to find a bunch of worms falling on top of her from the inside of the car. She shivered awkwardly, feeling the slimy worms slithering around her body. A couple of seconds later, she yelled out a loud terrified scream. While she ran away, a dark figure, the Boogeyman was hanging onto a nearby tree branch using his legs, letting out a small evil sneer while he had worms hanging from the inside of his mouth.
Back at James’s location, he was shocked and dumbfounded of what he had just done. He let out small sigh of stress as he lowered his head in shame, spotting a phone placed on Bill’s table. He picked up the phone, pressed a few buttons and pressed it next to his ears waiting for an answer. “Emergency line,” a woman’s voice said from the other line. “How can we help?”
“Fire brigade please,” James said calmly.
Suddenly, some anti-fire sprinklers attached on the ceilings sprayed a rain of water all over the room, putting out the fire but soaking up all the furniture, adding more to James’s dismay. “Fire Brigade department, what’s the situation?” a man’s voice asked from the other line.
After James’s experience of this whole dreadful scene he asked, “Do you do raincoats?”
A few hours later, they returned back to the boardroom in shame, apart from Jessie. She was still shaking like a leaf after getting frightened by a scary goblin and a bunch of worms, James was soaking wet and Meowth had bruises and messy marks all over his body. Brian, with Tony standing behind him, was not pleased with their ‘antics’.
“Now, a few hours ago, I set you guys a task each to do the cleaning and you flunked it,” he said annoyingly. “Jessie, defend yourself.”
“B… b… b…” she stuttered in a frightened way.
“B… what?” Brian said impatiently.
“B… Boogeyman… sc… scared… me…” Jessie replied fearfully.
“Ridiculous!” Brian complained. “Boogeymen are fairy tale things that hang around in closets and under people’s beds. Do you know what I mean by fairy tales? I mean that Boogeymen are guys that only exist in fictions, meaning that they don’t actually exist! There’s no point in lying! Lying is a dirty thing to do! I made that I don’t like dirty things as a public record! At the end of the day, I found my SUV flooded with worms!”
Brian then turned to Meowth. “Meowth…” he muttered. “What did I tell you about having dirt on you?”
“It’s not ma fault, boss!” Meowth complained, trying to defend himself. “I would’ve gotten the job done if it weren’t for dose meddlin’ pests! It was all dere fault!”
“Okay, first of all… lose the accent, Joey Tribianni,” Brian complained back. “Plus, I’m not having people around here putting the blame on someone else! I don’t like that! I don’t like that at all!”
Brian then turned to James. “You… what happened?” he asked bitterly. “A few hours ago, I gave you a task of cleaning Bill’s room but instead the room became flooded.”
“Well, I did make a couple of mistakes,” James replied pleadingly. “But they taught me some valuable lessons and they would help me increase my future performances…”
“Big mistakes if you ask me,” Brian interrupted. “The performances you could do are rain dances or some river dance. At the end of the day, I came back finding the room the most flooded since Mickey Mouse’s animated broomstick guys flooded an entire castle. Not to mention a bunch of burnt furniture.”
“But sir…” the trio said pleadingly.
“I’ve heard enough,” Brian said. “I’ve got enough problem as it is without you adding to it. I’ve had a problem answering why the colour of my hair is the same colour as my clothes. And on that basis, Jessie…”
“Yes?” Jessie responded fearfully while Brian reached underneath his desk and taking out a gun.
“You’re fired,” Brian said, aiming the gun at her head before pulling the trigger.
“AAAAGGHHHHH!!” Jessie screamed frightfully as she was knocked off her seat with a toy dart now stuck on her forehead.
“Oh dear,” James said sympathetically. “She’s going to get a red marking on that head when she takes it off.”
“If she ever wants to take it off,” Meowth said in surprise. “Either way, she still looks bad.”
“James, Meowth,” Brian said catching their attention.
“Yes?” they both responded to his attention.
“You’re both fired too,” Brian said nastily aiming his toy gun at them. “Who’s next?”
Not wanting to get shot, James and Meowth ran out of the office as fast as they could… only to realise that they left Jessie behind as they ran back into the boardroom to pick her up and carry her out.
Two weeks later, while the Team Rocket trio kept on getting blasted off by some twerp’s Pikachu, Brian was sitting inside his office, reading his newspaper with Tony giving him a massage. Brian impatiently placed it down. “Where the devil is my tea?” he asked aloud before hearing a knock on the door. “Come in.”
A bald-headed man wearing a tuxedo came in with a silver tea set on a tray, walking with grace before he placed the tea on Brian’s desk. “Jeeves,” Brian said. “You’ve been working for the queen of England for many years before you started working here. It’s been about ten minutes since I ordered tea. In your way, how do you make tea? I mean what took you so long?”
“Well, sir, I have been doing this kind of tea making since I started working for the queen,” Jeeves started. “Firstly, while I wait for the kettle to boil, I had the tea set out. I placed a number of spoons of loose tea inside the teapot depending on how many people I was making it for, including one for the pot, in this case, two. Then, I poured the boiling water inside the teapot and gave it a stir, closed the teapot and left it for three minutes for the flavour to come out. I then placed a small strainer on cup so it would leave the leaves out while I poured out the tea. I then placed two lumps of sugar, which you asked for, to add in the sweetness before pouring in some milk to taste. That is how I made you, and the queen, a cup of tea.”
Slightly dumbfounded, Brian looked down on his hot beverage before he looked at his new butler with a frown and said, “I think I’ll have a cup of coffee tomorrow.”
Suddenly, a robot barged into the room with an old man in a suit holding a remote control following it. The robot appeared to be six-sided cylinder shaped with a head with a shape of half of a ball. It had two guns sticking of its body like it was arms.
“Top of the morning, sir,” the robot buzzed in a typical robot voice. “Yum, yum, yum, yum.”
“Alright, Brian,” the old man said joyfully pressing various buttons on the controller.
“Bill, what is that?” Brian asked. “Tell me you didn’t buy this from ebay.”
“Yes, I did, Brian,” Bill said happily. “This is a Servant Dalek X3000. I remembered you saying that you need to servant so I bought you one. Now, who wants some scrambled eggs? Tony?”
He looked at Tony, who was now wearing a raincoat. “Why that suit, old chum?” Jeeves asked.
Tony held up a sign marked, ‘You’ll see.’
Bill pressed another button. “Head’s up,” the robot warned before the hatch on its head opened shooting out some yellow blob, which made a huge splat on Tony’s raincoat hat.
“How about having yours fried, Brian?” Bill asked, still pressing buttons on his remote.
“I’d rather not,” Brian replied dully. He spoke too late, as the hatch on the Servant Dalek’s chest opened, revealing two fried eggs on a frying pan on a board. With a flick, the eggs shot out of the pan and hit Brian in the face but it didn’t faze him except he shook his head in annoyance.
Bill noticed a red button at the top right of his controller. “Do not press?” he asked himself reading the label. “I wonder why?” he continued as he pressed the button.
“Default mode! Default mode!” the robot buzzed alarmingly. “Exterminate! Exterminate! Where is the doctor?”
“Doctor who?” Brian asked.
“Exterminate! Exterminate!” the robot alarmingly buzzed repeatedly before shooting out sprays of tea out of its guns. Everyone reacted by ducking down to the floor, not wanting to be soaked by some hot beverage.
While everyone hid themselves away, Jerry and Patchy strolled inside the office. They were both eating a banana each and Brian spotted them. “Guys! Do something,” he cried.
“Chupa!” Patchy squeaked while holding his paw up. He whispered inside Jerry’s ear and they giggled at the idea. They both went a distance away from each other and looked at the robot. They then aimed and tossed their half-eaten bananas and they got stuck inside the guns, making it not able to shoot anymore.
They both yelled out their cries, which would be translated ‘Bull’s eye!’ Everyone stood up and looked at the robot with nasty smiles on their faces. “You won’t be doing that anymore now will you?” Brian said smugly.
But suddenly, the robot started to shake furiously, much to everyone’s puzzlement. It began buzzing various words while spinning around at high speed. “It’s gonna blow!” Brian yelled warningly as everyone began to hide.
Soon, the robot suddenly stopped spinning. “Knickers,” it buzzed randomly.
The robot exploded into smithereens, covering the whole room with soot and smoke. Everyone got out of their hiding places, also covered in black filth while waving away the smog and coughing.
“Coffee, sir?” Jeeves asked politely seeing the tea set in ruins.
“Yes, please,” Brian replied after letting out a small sigh while the robot’s dismembered head fell and crashed on top of Tony’s.
I wonder who’s the better boss on The Apprentice? Donald Trump or Sir Alan Sugar?
There’s only one way to find out… ^^ POLLS! (I wanted to say ‘fight’ but they’re not available ^^)