View Poll Results: Should the Chapters from the Other Website Replace the Chapters Here?

Voters
1. You may not vote on this poll
  • Yes

    1 100.00%
  • No

    0 0%
  • It Doesn't Matter

    0 0%
  • Yes, But I Suggest You Don't

    0 0%
  • No, But I Suggest You Do

    0 0%
  • Some, but not ALL of Them

    0 0%
Multiple Choice Poll.
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 51

Thread: The Adventures of Violet Wolf (The Korrova Region)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default The Adventures of Violet Wolf (The Korrova Region)

    HOOK 01: This is a story a girl found unconscious near a temple with no knowledge of who she is and where she is from. Discovered by a pokémon professor, Ian Quest, and his partner, Alakazam, the girl was named "Violet" for the color of her eyes.

    Join Violet as she journeys to find not only the origins of her existence, but the existence of pokémon and humanity itself.

    HOOK 02: She knew they were dead because of her. She knew the ones that survived will die too because her. But if she was going to save them, save HIM, she had to stay alive. Book 01 of the Pokémon Violet series.

    Disclaimer: This story contains fictional pokémon, people, places, and theories. Anything not concocted from my imagination belongs to its respectful owners.

    ---

    Rated T (but may eventually raise to M)

    Note: This story will NOT contain graphic or explicit content. It is only rated as such to indicate dark, mature, sexual, and bloody themes that may be unsuitable for the faint of heart. If there are any questions regarding the rating, please contact me through private messaging.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 26th September 2015 at 6:17 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default Chapter 01 (Welcome to Korrova)

    Ian grunted as yet another bump caused the van to jerk. Everything, including the expensive lab equipment at the back, shuffled out of place. His partner, Alakazam, didn't look pleased either. The force made her head hit the roof, hard. That was why she was clutching it on the passenger's seat, groaning in pain.

    "Alaka..." she hissed.

    Ian gave her a quick look of sympathy. "Sorry, Alakazam," he sighed. "You know how badly Werner wanted us out here. If he made us come here despite this stupid storm, it must be pretty damn important."

    When he told her that earlier, she looked at him like he was crazy. That time, however, she just glared. She wouldn't have hit her head if he wasn't driving faster than he was supposed to. A logical scientist like him should know better than to speed through a dark forest during a storm, at night of all times!

    But Ian wasn't in the mood to be the smart scientist he was known for. He and Alakazam just moved to the region yesterday, but before they could even unpack, Werner, the CEO himself, demanded they go into some forest they've never been to just to look at some temple they could visit any other day. For what reason? Who knows? Werner refused to disclose information other than "there's a disturbance". But the CEO was the CEO, and who was Ian to question his motives? Maybe he'd understand when they get there.

    And for his favor, Ian hoped they would get there as soon as possible. He simply did not have the patience to do those vaguely-explained assignments. He had a lot of unpacking and setting up to do, not to mention the workload he was assigned back at his home region. He even stopped eating and sleeping on a regular basis, much to Alakazam's chagrin. But did Werner consider that? No! But was he completely justified, considering his orders were for the good of man and pokémon?

    Yes, but it was still irritating. There was always a better way to do things, but if being demanding and inconsiderate was Werner's, Ian just had to deal with it. It was his job, after all, and he'd be damned if he ever lost it.

    Ian turned up the headlights as the moonlight disappeared. Since the storm clouds were blocking most of the moonlight, the surroundings became pitch black. Ian should've slowed down. The terrified look on Alakazam's face agreed. But instead, he floored the gas pedal. The sooner they got there, the sooner they got out.

    "Alakazam," Ian called out, "could you check the radar please?"

    Alakazam's eyes were wide, but looked at the radar anyway. The radar was on the dashboard, and it was the only big source of light in the van. A blue dot represented the van, and a red one represented their destination.

    Alakazam exhaled a sigh of relief. They were getting close! After an almost hour-long drive, they were finally getting close! She turned to Ian, excited to tell him the good news.

    But a sound made her turn back. Yellow dots, dots the radar couldn't identify, started surrounding the red dot. Their numbers increased in number as they encased the dot in a protective shield. Soon after, they started surrounding the blue dot.

    "Alaka!"

    The van swerved to the side of the road. Ian yelped and swerved back, narrowly missing a tree.

    "What?" Ian yelled. "What? What is it?"

    "Alaka!" Alakazam pointed to the screen.

    "Damn it, Alakazam!" Ian cursed. "I can't look at the screen right now, but can you no-woah!"

    Ian slammed the brakes, thrusting both of them forward. They groaned and rubbed their chests as the seat belts marked their skin. A yellow, humanoid pokémon stood in the middle of their path. It looked right at them, glaring at them with purple eyes. The van stopped just inches from the pokémon, so Ian and Alakazam saw it was a hypno.

    "What the..." Ian gaped. He rolled the down window and stuck out his head. He hissed when the cold rain hit him, drenching him in icy water. "Excuse me!" Ian called out. "Could you move aside, please? We're in a big hurry!"

    The psychic pokémon stayed where he was, not moving an inch. Ian and Alakazam looked at each other. Did the hypno not understand his request?

    A violet energy started surrounding the van. Then, before the duo could realize what was happening, the van shot backwards. It continued at a high velocity, shaking everything inside the vehicle. Ian struggled to hang on to something, anything to stop himself from moving.

    But then the van stopped. Ian yelped as his head nearly hit the wheel. He shakily turned to Alakazam. "A-are y--"

    The van sped forward, and Ian was thrust back. Alakazam's eyes and spoons flashed white, her energy surrounding the vehicle. The van stopped and went backwards, then stopped and went forward. This continued on as the psychics struggled for dominance.

    Ian cupped his mouth. His head was spinning. Something acidic was building in his throat. "Stop!" he wanted to say. But he was one movement from throwing up on himself, so he kept his mouth shut.

    "Go away."

    Ian froze. Did someone really say something, or was his motion sickness making him delusional?

    The van stopped moving. Ian sat up and grabbed the steering wheel. "Alaka," he heard Alakazam call out, but he was too focused on composing himself, he didn't pay attention.

    "We are guardians of the temple," the voice continued. "No one is allowed inside the temple grounds."

    Okay, Ian opened his eyes. He wasn't hallucinating. Someone really was talking to them.

    Ian waited until his head stopped spinning and looked ahead. Standing next to the hypno was a vigilant lucario. The two were the only ones that seemed to be there, but Ian looked at the radar himself.

    They were surrounded.

    "A-are," Ian muttered, "you speaking to u-us telepathically?"

    "Yes," the lucario confirmed. "I will not ask again. Leave the grounds or face severe consequences."

    "Alaka!" Alakazam protested. Ian turned to her. He didn't know what she was saying, but he could tell she was trying to explain their situation on his behalf.

    "Then what is your business here?" the lucario demanded.

    Ian shakily gripped the door handle. He existed the van, prompting Alakazam to follow him. The rain was freezing, and the water drenched their skin. Ian forced himself to stand still, though his voice would be shaky from the cold. The lucario and hypno wasn't pleased with their exit, neither were the invisible creatures around them.

    "M-my name is I-Ian Quest," Ian introduced, "and th-this is m-my partn-ner, Alak-kazam. We are s-scientists of the Pokémon and H-Human Feder-er-ration. We've bee-en sent here to inve-vesti-tigate a disturbance."

    The lucario and hypno glared at them, along with other unseen eyes. Ian clicked his tongue. That wasn't the response he was expecting.

    "And what do you plan on doing about this," the lucario stepped forward, "disturbance?"

    Ian raised his hands. "N-nothing!"

    Then he realized what he just said and paled. "No! I-I mean...we're...we're h-here to h-help you, not h-hurt you!" he assured. "The P-Pokémon and H-Human Feder-ration is all ab-bout maint-taining peace betwee-en humans and p-pokémon. We're n-not here to cause h-harm."

    The guardians said nothing. They only stared at them, their expressions unreadable. Ian and Alakazam looked at each other. Alakazam's face was calm, but her eyes expressed fear.

    The lucario stepped forward. The duo jumped and watched him scrutinize them. He looked long and hard at Alakazam, then more so at Ian. Nothing but the rain could be heard between them. The hypno, as well as the other unseen faces, watched quietly, ready to do whatever the lucario concludes.

    The lucario stepped back.

    "We," he said, "have a girl...that is in critical condition."

    Ian and Alakazam gasped.

    "We have done everything to help her, but it wasn't enough," the lucario continued. "Will you...will you help us?"

    Ian and Alakazam exhaled together.

    "Yes!" Ian told him, but lowered his voice when the lucario cringed. "W-We can h-help you," he continued. "We'll t-take her to the h-hospita-"

    "No!" the lucario yelled, making the duo jump. "No one must know who she is!"

    Ian gaped. "Wh-what? B-But...but why?"

    "Help her another way!" the lucario demanded. "No one must know who she is!"

    "But h-how can we h-help her if she c-can't g-go to a hospital?" Ian asked.

    "I," Lucario grunted, "I don't know! But if you really want to help us, you wouldn't involve other people and pokémon!"

    Ian frowned. He knew that some pokémon were mistrusting of people, but other pokémon too? He almost asked, but decided not to. He really wanted to get out of the rain.

    "O-okay, okay!" Ian nodded. "B-Bring the g-girl to u-us! We'll h-help her the b-best w-we can!"

    The guardians stared at them again. Ian mentally cursed. Did he come off too strong?

    But then the lucario turned around. Lightning flashed when he waved his hand.

    "Bring milady forward."

    Milady? Ian blinked. Lightning struck again, and a little girl popped up in the headlights. She slowly floated toward them, carried by a purple force. She had short black hair, pale white skin, a white dress, and no shoes. If Ian didn't notice her shaking, he would've assumed she was dead.

    "Qui-ick!" Ian rushed to the side of the van. "In h-here!"

    He opened the side door and expected the girl to float inside. But the lucario ran to him instead, carrying the girl in his arms.

    "If you are taking her away," the lucario told him, "I have to accompany her."

    Ian was surprised, but nodded. "O-okay," he stepped aside to let them in.

    Alakazam also returned to the van and hopped onto the passenger's seat. Ian hopped onto the driver's seat and turned the heater on. His window was still open, allowing rain to slip inside, but Ian quickly fixed that and strapped his seat belt on. He pushed buttons on the side of the radar and locked the lab's coordinates. He wanted to sit still for a moment, catch his breath and savor the heat, but the lucario gave him a look, and he knew they had to go.

    "Hold on, everyone," Ian yanked the gear stick. The van drove backwards, around, and then the opposite direction. Ian turned back and saw nothing but darkness. "You guys okay back there?" he called out.

    When nobody responded, he adjusted his rear-view mirror. The radar's light showed the lucario holding the girl in his arms. If there was more light, Ian could've seen how afraid he was.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 13th September 2015 at 10:56 AM.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default Chapter 02 (Save Her)

    After driving for almost an hour, a speck of white was caught between the trees.

    "Since you don't want a hospital, she can stay at my lab for now," Ian stated. "One of my friends is a really good doctor. Can she know who the girl is? She's technically you're last option."

    "I must first see if her aura is pure," Lucario told him. "If she is pure at heart, she may see the girl."

    "Aura?" Ian repeated.

    "Yes," Lucario confirmed. "I can sense people's auras and see if their intentions are good. That is how I came to trust the two of you. If I saw that the two of you were unfit, I would not have allowed you to take the girl away."

    Ian gave him a look through the rear-view mirror.

    "What is it about this girl that makes her so special?" he asked. "And why was she dying in the first place?"

    "That I cannot reveal," Lucario replied. "It is not my place to speak of such things. My only duty is to protect her."

    "Duty?" Ian repeated. "Who appointed you to be her guardian in the first place?"

    "I cannot disclose that information either," Lucario answered. "Now please stop asking these questions and drive faster. The girl doesn't have much time."

    Ian clicked his tongue. "Alright..."

    He pressed a button near the radar screen. "Call Lucy," he said. After three rings, a woman's voice resounded through the van.

    "Hello?"

    "Lucy," Ian called out. "This is Ian. I need your help."

    The woman made a noise that sounded like a scoff.

    "You just moved into the region, and I don't even get a 'hello' or 'how are you'?" she reprimanded. "C'mon, Ian! When have you ever called just to say 'hi'? Why do you only call me when you need something?"

    "This is not the time, Lucy," Ian told her. "I found a dying girl near the temple I was sent to investigate and I can't take her to the hospital."

    "What?" the woman demanded. "Why? What's her condition?"

    "I'm not sure," Ian told her. "Can you come to my lab and help her? And don't tell anyone you're coming."

    "What?" Lucy repeated, even more baffled than before. "What's going on, Ian? What's happening?"

    "I'll explain later," Ian felt Lucario's stare at him. "Just meet me at the lab."

    Everyone heard the woman grumble.

    "Fine," she conceded. "I'll be there in a few minutes...""Bye."

    Ian pressed the call button again.

    "I still need to confirm if her aura is good enough," Lucario told him.

    Ian rolled his eyes. "I know."

    "Don't think I will allow just any doctor to see her," Lucario continued, "even if you are in love with this one."

    The van swerved to the side of the road. Ian quickly straightened the van and glared at Lucario.

    "Why would you say that?" he demanded, his cheeks red and hot. "I'm not in l-love with her!"

    Alakazam chuckled from the backseat, causing Ian to glare at her.

    "I can tell when you're lying," Lucario remarked. "And from the sound of this woman's voice, I can tell she's in love with you too."

    Ian scoffed, almost bitterly.

    "She's not in love with me," he told him. "She's married to another man."

    "Then she is married to the wrong one."

    A knot formed in Ian's chest, but Ian pushed it aside when he saw a familiar turn.

    "We're here."

    Lucario peered at the establishment at the van drew nearer to it. The building was large, white, and two-stories high. In front of the building were two pathways: a footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and a driveway leading to a garage door beside it. "Pokémon and Human Federation, Laboratory 67" was engraved on a rectangular stone at the far front.

    Lucario hopped out of the van with the girl clutched to his chest. "Hurry to the awning," he heard Ian instruct. "I gotta get some stuff. Go with them, Alakazam."

    "Alaka."

    Lucario turned to see the psychic gesturing him to follow her. He followed quickly, but cautiously, as the two approached the building. The doors were bigger than they seemed from far away. Rectangular windows hung far above the flower bushes, indicating there were no windows on the first floor.

    When the two pokémon made it to the awning, they looked back to see Ian running with a large laptop bag. "Lucy's already inside," he told them. "That's her car parked next to my van."

    Lucario watched as Ian approached the electric box next to the doors. Ian typed on the buttons and pressed his hand against the glass censor until a "click" was heard. The doors opened, ushering them to go through.

    Lucario tightened his grip on the girl and entered the building.

    ---

    Lucario saw white. Lots of it. The walls and ceilings were white; the curving reception desk further into the room was white; the pillars holding the building together were white. The only white Lucario didn't see were the elevators and stairwells. They were gray, silver, and a slightly darkened shade of white.

    "Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!"

    Lucario jumped back as a woman approached them. She was a medium-sized woman, around 5'4 or 5'5, and had a lean figure that didn't make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder. Her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide. Her pink lips were agape.

    "Didn't you guys wear raincoats?" the woman scolded, "or used an umbrella?"

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic.

    "Oh my gosh, is this the girl?"

    "Yes," Ian nodded stiffly. "Can you help her?"

    "Yes, yes!"

    Ian took a step forward, but then took it back. Lucario stayed firmly in place, watching the red-headed woman run to a couch. Ian was about to tell him something, but Lucario sprinted away, not allowing him a word.

    ---

    "What is that?"

    The woman jumped, momentarily forgetting Lucario was there. She was taking an instrument from her bag when she heard his worried outburst.

    "This is a stethoscope," the woman answered. "It allows me to hear her heartbeat."

    "Let her do her job," Ian told Lucario. "She's a doctor; she knows what she's doing."

    "Thank you, Ian," the woman beamed. She put the metal part to the girl's chest and listened intently. "Her heartbeat is slow," she told them. "I can't tell exactly what's wrong without the proper equipment, but I can give her these."

    She dove into her bag and took out pouches, bottles, and cases of pills. "She also needs dry clothes."

    "I'll be back," Ian ran to the elevator.

    The woman smiled and turned to Lucario.

    "I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles," she told him softly. "You can turn away if you want. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

    "I'll watch," Lucario stated.

    "Very well then."

    The woman opened several pouches to obtain a syringe, a needle, and a jar. She screwed the needle onto the syringe and stuck the needle through the jar's top. After absorbing the liquid inside, the woman removed excess liquid and took the girl's bicep.

    "If the girl has an infection," she told Lucario, "this fluid will eliminate any harmful bacteria and viruses."

    The needle was out as quickly as it went in.

    Lucario's eyes widened. The woman couldn't possibly be telling the truth. He knew man-made medicine could do wonders, but this. Exactly how much progress had man made?

    The woman took a pill from another jar and snapped the cap off a bottle. She slipped the pill between the girl's lips, then tilted the girl's head to pour the liquid.

    "This will feed her if she's is famished, dehydrated, or malnourished," she stated.

    Lucario continued to stare at her as she sat up and removed her jacket. Despite his rousing suspicions, the woman was showing no sign of deceit.

    "We'll wait a bit so the medicine can kick in," the woman folded her jacket and slipped it under the girl's head. "This will make her more comfortable. Where's Ian and those clothes?"

    "Here!"

    Ian ran to them as soon as the elevator opened. "I got an old shirt, shorts, and a blanket."

    "Thank you," the woman accepted. "Now turn around so I can dress the girl."

    Ian rolled his eyes and turned away. Alakazam didn't need to turn around, but Lucario continued to watch. Despite the struggle to get the girl's dress off, the woman dressed the girl quickly. When Ian turned around, the girl was dressed in his clothes.

    "She's so small," Ian commented.

    "Maybe you're just too big," the woman remarked. Ian rolled his eyes again.

    Lucario took the blanket Ian brought and covered the girl from foot to shoulder. His gaze softened when the girl stopped shaking.

    "Would you like to hear her heartbeat?"

    Lucario flinched. The woman was smiling, handing him the stethoscope.

    "No," Lucario shook his head. "I can feel her misery going away."

    He turned to face her. "You didn't know her, yet you saved her life," he stated. "I am indebted to you. Thank you for saving her life."

    The woman smiled.

    "It's my pleasure," she said. "I don't think I've met you before. I would know if I did; I would definitely remember a pokémon that uses telepathy."

    "Call me as I am," Lucario told her. "I am the girl's guardian."

    "It's nice to meet you Lucario," the woman extended a hand. "My name is Lucy."

    Lucario looked at her, and then at her hand. Slowly, but surely, he returned her handshake.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 25th September 2015 at 4:52 AM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Wow, I am surprised that no one has commented on this amazing piece yet!
    Haha I was on a trip when I first read this. Thanks to the 5 hours of unendurable boredom in the car, I decided to read some of the Fanfics in Serebii, this, for some reason, caught my attention first.

    Now for the review itself:
    I see how you have ability to intermingle your wide range of extensive vocabulary with your remarkable methods of expressing yourself. Through these two chapters, I have learned quite a few useful, compelling words. Good job and hope you can get better.

    Story-wise, it is interesting and exciting as well. After reading your chapters, I can't wait to know the girl's true identity as well as her connection with Lucario. Lucario seems to be quite "untrusting" of others, as it can read others' auras. I hope that doesn't stand in the way of helping the girl recover. I am also curious about the connection between Ian and Lucy.

    Now for some mistakes I've noticed:
    1- Your fiction is majorly in the past tense, but there are still some descriptive sentences written in Present tense (excluding dialogues, of course)

    Some I've noticed are:

    Not letting other people know is confusing but a bit understandable, but pokémon too?—Ian thought. But then he remembered that there is a girl here that is in critical condition
    The screen is in a form of radar. The blue dot represents the van and their destination is represented by a red one.
    I think there are still more of them I didn't notice. Shouldn't the "is" be changed into "was" considering majority of the story has already happened?

    Rain drops are drumming hard on the van’s roof.
    Same case here, shouldn't the "are" be changed into "were"?

    2- Not really a "mistake" or anything, but I notice that your chapters are slightly shorter than that of other fics around here. Not saying you are flawed, but just a recommendation for you to attempt to elongate your chapters. I know you have the potential to do it. Keep it up.

    I am sure there are other mistakes I didn't notice, I think there might also be some flaws in my corrections above, as English is not my native tongue. I apologise for that. But overall this fiction is interesting and well-written (up to this point, at least). Keep up the good work.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 10th June 2014 at 5:02 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Hello, Razor Wind!
    I'm glad to see you liked my story. I thank you for the pointers and appreciate your input!
    I apologize for not replying sooner. I haven't had access to a computer in a while.

    I want to clear up any confusion by saying that timeline of this story is set on the present. I didn't intend the story to be a reminiscing narrative, because I want the readers to "be with" the characters as they read their stories. That is why I used "is" instead of "was". I want to use an active voice instead of the passive voice.

    I appreciate your input, nevertheless! If my writing style is misleading, I'm more than happy to learn from readers that care enough to help a fellow writer out! I'll continue to work on my writing and post the next chapter soon. Until then, thank you, and I hope to hear again from you soon!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,811

    Default

    This looks like an intriguing story. Let's have at it, shall we?

    Quote Originally Posted by ChewieJ View Post
    CHAPTER 01:

    Ian grunted as another bump on the road caused his van to jerk upwards, making himself, his partner, Alakazam, and the important equipment in the vehicle to shuffle out of place. He could hear Alakazam grunt in irritation as well. “Sorry, Alakazam,” Ian apologized. “PHF wanted me to come to this location ASAP. It must be really important if it made them ignore the fact that there’s a storm outside.”
    Relatively strong when it comes to opening paragraphs. You could do with a little bit more description - ie: what do Ian and Alakazam look like? Is there anything immediately distinguishing about them? And what is PHF? - but it still carries enough detail to function.

    As the van trekked deeper into the dark forest, Ian switched the headlights to their highest as the trees started to block out the moonlight. It’s almost pitch black outside. Rain drops are drumming hard on the van’s roof. “Alakazam,” Ian called out. “I can’t take my eyes off the road right now. Can you look at the screen and tell me if we’re almost there?"

    Alakazam leaned forward from the backseat and peered into the screen on the dashboard. The screen is in a form of radar. The blue dot represents the van and their destination is represented by a red one. As the blue dot became closer to the red dot, yellow dots became to form around the red dot, as if incasing the red one in a protective shield. “Alaka!” Alalazam spouted.
    First, I'll raise one issue that comes up. You have a bit of inconsistency when it comes to tenses. This means that your opening paragraph was in past tense ("caused", "apologized," etc) while these next two use present tense ("it's almost pitch black," "rain drops are drumming hard", "the screen is in a form of radar," etc). This is an easily fixed issue, so don't worry too much about it.

    That said, while I do think I would have liked a bit stronger establishment of Ian and Alakazam first, I'm liking what I see of their characters so far. It appears that they have a good bond and work together well, which is important when it comes to what sounds like a nature preservation organization.

    Ian turned to Alakazam for a second but then quickly turned back to the road. “What is it, Alakazam?”

    “Alaka!” Alakazam pointed to the screen in alarm.

    Ian bit his lip and resisted the urge to follow his partner’s finger. “Sometimes I wish I could understand what you’re saying,” Ian confessed. “I can’t turn away from the road, but I can’t stop either. Who knows what will come to us if we—woah!”
    I can actually tell a lot about them from this. Alakazam appears to be a cautious type, while Ian is a bit reckless. They get along well, but would benefit from a better understanding between each other. Am I correct?

    A flash of something tall and yellow stood in the middle of the narrow path, glaring at them with violet eyes. Ian slammed the breaks hard with his foot and managed to stop the van before it hit the yellow figure. Ian squinted his eyes to see that it’s a Hypno. “What the?” Ian rolled down his window and stuck his head out. “Umm, excuse me, Hypno,” Ian called out. “Will you please move aside? We are in a big hurry to our destination up ahead.”
    "brakes," not "breaks."

    The Hypno said nothing, and Ian thought it didn’t hear or understand his request. But then a violet force surrounded the van, and the van started to be pushed back. Ian wailed as the van was shoved backwards, and then wailed again as the van was shoved forward. He turned behind him to see Alakazam’s eyes and spoons glowing white, as well as his white energy surrounding the van.

    Violet and white light clashed outside the van as the two psychic Pokémon struggled for dominance. Ian closed his eyes and covered his hand with his mouth, keeping bile from escaping his lips. He wanted to yell at them to stop, but his nausea rose to the point that it silenced him.
    Quite a nice visual. It's not often I see two Psychic-type Pokemon really matching against each other like this. I bet Hypno has a good motive for doing this, too.

    “Go away”

    Ian’s eyes snapped open and he looked around for the source of the voice. It was deep, firm, and unfamiliar. Ian wanted to ask who spoke, but bile continued to threaten to escape. Thankfully, the shaking of the van eventually stopped, and Ian managed to place a hand on the steering wheel to stop the spinning in his head. “Alaka,” he heard Alakazam call out.
    Ooh, psychic communication, I like it. Nice and mysterious. A little sudden, but I can't really complain. Your pacing is fast, but that's perfectly fine.

    “We are the guardians of this temple,” the voice replied. “No one is allowed inside the temple grounds.”

    When the spinning in Ian’s head subsided to a tolerable level, Ian swallowed his bile disdainfully and peered ahead. Beside the Hypno, who is now calmer but still vigilant, is a Lucario with a similar expression. “A-are you speaking to us telepathically?” Ian managed to ask.

    “Yes,” the Lucario confirmed. “Now I will not ask again. Leave the temple grounds now or face severe consequences.”
    A Hypno and a Lucario as temple guards... interesting. The Lucario in a mystic setting is a choice that I'm familiar with, but the Hypno is surprising to be there. They make a good combination.

    The note of disdain in Ian's attitude intrigues me. He definitely seems to get along with Pokemon, but he doesn't have the best patience either, judging from this. It's an interesting sort of contradiction.

    I wonder what they're guarding.

    “Alaka!” Alakazam protested, probably assuring them that they mean no harm.
    A note: while it made sense to simply use Alakazam saying his name when he was speaking to Ian, now that he is speaking to other Pokemon, it's probably better to reveal his actual lines as well, like Lucario's and Hypno's are. It's a little awkward to go from Lucario and Hypno speaking to saying the idea of what Alakazam "probably" meant.

    “Then what is your business here?” the Lucario asked.

    Ian hesitantly exited the vehicle, alarming Alakazam to follow protectively behind him. The Lucario and Hypno stood their ground, and Ian and Alakazam can feel other eyes watching them admonishingly.

    Both Ian and Alakazam gulped. “My name is Ian Quest, and this is my partner, Alakazam,” Ian introduced. “We are a part of the Pokémon and Human Federation, or PHF for short. We are in charge of maintaining peace between Pokémon and humans around the world. We have been informed that there has been a disturbance in this part of the forest and have been sent to investigate.”
    Ah, so I assume PHF is something similar to what Pokemon Rangers do. Interesting.

    My advice here is to slow down a little. Nothing is actually wrong here, and you're delivering all the necessary information at an appropriate time. What I mean is that you should flesh out the description more. Wasn't it raining, for example? Talk a little bit about Ian going out into the storm and how that affects him. Give us some looks at how feels about the situation he's in, too. It can be tricky to start, but once you get the hang of writing those things, you'll find that you can make your story much more immersive for the readers.

    Lucario glared at them. “And what is it that you plan on doing about the disturbance?” Lucario questioned dubiously.
    Did you close the italics tag prematurely here?

    Ian raised both his hands defensively. “It really depends on the situation,” Ian explained, “but I promise you, we are here to help you, not harm you.”
    This note about Ian raising his hands defensively is a good example of what I meant to communicate his thoughts and personality more.

    Lucario walked closer to Ian and Alakazam and eyed them closely. Ian and Alakazam stiffened at Lucario’s gaze, which seems to stare right through them. Finally, after what seemed like three suspenseful hours, Lucario stepped back. “We have a girl here that is in critical condition,” Lucario explained. “She doesn’t have much time left. We’re doing what we can to help her, but nothing we do seem to be enough. Can you help us?”
    Lucario seems a bit... fluent in human language, I guess I'd put it? What I mean is that he is speaking like an ordinary human in terms of word choice. I think it would feel a little more natural if he spoke in a less human manner, such as "We have a female who is near death. She will not live for long and we aren't able to help her."

    Ian straightened his posture. “Of course!” he proclaimed. “Where is she? We can take her inside my van and I’ll rush her to the nearest hospital!”

    Lucario’s eyes widened. “No!” he forbade. “No one must know who she is!”
    I'm intrigued by the seeming contradiction in how Lucario approaches the subject of the girl. He was very enthusiastic about getting help from an unfamiliar human, but immediately switched to forbidding anyone else finding out about her.

    “What?” Ian blinked, startled by his loud outburst. “But why?”

    “I cannot tell you,” Lucario explained fastidiously. “But if you really want to help us, you must understand and help her without the knowledge of other people and pokémon.”
    Quite an unusual case. It makes me wonder why Lucario is so readily trusting Ian. Desperation?

    Not letting other people know is confusing but a bit understandable, but pokémon too?—Ian thought. But then he remembered that there is a girl here that is in critical condition, and dismissed his questions for later. “Okay!” Ian consented. “Where is the girl?”

    “We cannot leave her alone with you,” Lucario stated. “If you are taking her away from here, I have to accompany you.”
    That makes sense. I didn't think Lucario would be trusting him so much.

    “Okay, okay!” Ian nodded hurriedly. “Just bring the girl to us! We’ll help her!”

    When lightning struck from the dark stormy clouds above, Ian could see a little girl being carried to them by a violet psychic force. She has short black hair, a white dress, and no shoes. She’s very skinny, and if Ian didn’t see her frail body quiver, he’d assume from her pale skin that she’s dead. Quickly, Ian rushed back to his van and opened his side door. “Quick! In here!” he instructed.

    The girl was carefully placed inside the van with Lucario quickly following her inside. Seeing this, Alakazam opened the side door from the other side and entered the van from there. Ian quickly hopped into the driver’s seat and shivered when he realized how wet and cold he was. He pressed buttons on his screen to navigate his way back to his lab and latched on his seatbelt. “Everyone hold on,” he said, and everyone braced themselves as the van jerked backwards, around, and towards the opposite direction. From the rear-view mirror, Ian could see Lucario holding the girl gently in his arms.
    I know I keep saying this word, and I apologize for the repetition, but once again it is very intriguing. You've got the appearance and mystery of a lost, possibly feral or supernatural girl down well. The concern Lucario is showing for her is compelling, and I wonder why he is so affectionate to her.

    At the end of the chapter I'm left asking myself, where did the girl come from? Why is Lucario caring for her? What's her background that makes it necessary to hide her from others? Now, these questions are good things. Your story is solid enough to make me want to ask these questions, which means I care about what is going on. That's very good.

    My big tips right now are to step back and try to slow your pacing a little, which will allow you to give more vivid description; also, be a little more careful with your grammar and tenses. That said, it was a satisfying read.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 19: The Weight of the World (Part 1)
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 2)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    Well, this is interesting so far! I like the immediacy here, how you start in res media and jump straight into the action. Like the psychic battle, especially the description of Ian's experience of it. The PHF is interesting. In opposition to what someone else said, I don't think you need to explain what it is before you reference it; Ian's mention of it shows his familiarity with it, but you chose a natural point for exposition; anywhere earlier would've felt unnatural. One thing, though, that seemed kind of strange, is that Ian explained to Alakazam in the van about the PHF wanting them out there right away. Wouldn't he have said this before they left? I'd like to see a physical description of Ian... I don't mind not seeing Pokemon described, especially the original 150, since most readers will be familiar with them... Most times I see Pokemon described in fanfics, it comes off pretty awkward... So I'd leave that, but I do need a picture of the human characters. Interested in the girl and her relationship to the Pokemon. Only, how old is she? I got the impression that she was around 7 or 8, but it wasn't specified, so I wasn't sure. One thing I was wondering: if Hypno and Lucario can communicate psychically with Ian, why can't Alakazam? Is that something you're going to address later on? I felt like this really could've been combined into one chapter, since neither the scene nor the action change... You did a good job of hinting that Ian and Lucy have feelings for each other.

    Ian scoffed, almost bitterly. “She’s not in love with me,” he muttered almost dejectedly. “She’s married to another man.”
    Wow! Did not see that one coming, though! That makes the relationship much more interesting.

    Like others have mentioned, you do switch between past and present tense. I get the impression that you're going for a sense of immediacy by using present tense, but that past is more natural for you. I'd go with past, as I really don't think anything's being added here by using present. You said that the story is happening in the present, but you don't need present tense to convey that. Readers will generally assume that whatever's happening in the story is in the present, anyway, because... Well, I'd have to think about the reasons, but... I think it has to do with the fact that the story has already been written by the time the reader gets to it, as opposed to unfolding as its written. Huh, that's interesting, could probably write a whole paper on how that works. But anyway, this is a story that focuses much more on plot than writing; the writing is sort of "invisible." Writing like that is a talent in itself, and I think this kind of story calls for that style. The progressive present (that is, describing things as they are happening now, as opposed to describing habitual action or a perpetual state of being) is pretty unusual in fiction, and by using it, you're calling unnecessary attention to the writing. It's actually kind of distracting, because it just doesn't feel natural.

    Also, I'd avoid using words like "confirmed," "protested," "stated," etc. instead of just "said." These are called "speech tags," and they just serve the purpose of telling you who's speaking. Most readers skip over "said," so it's ok to use it multiple times. Adding in a lot of different ones breaks up the flow of reading, and it just feels awkward. "Ask" and "reply" are fine, but... a good rule of thumb is to only use different ones when you need to convey how something's being said, and it's not clear from context. So, "mutter" and "whisper" and the lot are fine when you need them.

    Other than that, you're doing well. Look forward to seeing where this goes!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    No problem. That's sweet!

    Ok, what I like about this chapter: you did a really good job of showing Lucario's feelings for the girl. I especially like here:

    Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    and here:

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.
    and here:

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    These parts all show how much Lucario cares about the girl and how protective he is of her, but they also have a nice, subtle quality.

    You also did a great job on Lucy's introduction:

    Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    I can tell she's someone who looks out for other people, sort of maternal, and that she's energetic.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”
    She's also patient and understanding...

    The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    And she's intuitive, good at picking up on people's (or Pokemon's) feelings and attachments. I like how she's sensitive to Lucario's feelings without being obvious about it.

    The biggest problem I'm seeing right now is that you're going into a bit too much detail in places.

    The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.
    You could call it a "half-pentagon"... and you could also say how the other rectangular buildings were connected to the main structure. As it is, I had to stop and think about how it was all laid out, which took me out of the action of the story. You could mention earlier that they're in the driveway (like when they drive up), no need to mention that it's granite-- that's to be assumed. And then just say that the footpath led to the double doors.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    No problem. That's sweet!

    Ok, what I like about this chapter: you did a really good job of showing Lucario's feelings for the girl. I especially like here:

    Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    and here:

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.
    and here:

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    These parts all show how much Lucario cares about the girl and how protective he is of her, but they also have a nice, subtle quality.

    You also did a great job on Lucy's introduction:

    Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    I can tell she's someone who looks out for other people, sort of maternal, and that she's energetic.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”
    She's also patient and understanding...

    The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    And she's intuitive, good at picking up on people's (or Pokemon's) feelings and attachments. I like how she's sensitive to Lucario's feelings without being obvious about it.

    The biggest problem I'm seeing right now is that you're going into a bit too much detail in places.

    The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.
    You could call it a "half-pentagon"... and you could also say how the other rectangular buildings were connected to the main structure. As it is, I had to stop and think about how it was all laid out, which took me out of the action of the story. You could mention earlier that they're in the driveway (like when they drive up), no need to mention that it's granite-- that's to be assumed. And then just say that the footpath led to the double doors. I think there is a way to make the complete description of the building less awkward... but I think it might be better to cut some of it out. The basic question is, how much of that does the audience need to know? Which details are important to the story and to giving a sense of the place? It's important to give enough description for the audience to be able to come up with a picture, but nothing's lost if they don't picture it exactly the same as you did (unless we're talking about details that are important to the plot).

    She was a medium-sized woman, around 5’4 or 5’5, and had a lean figure that didn’t make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, a red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder, while her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape.
    Here, Lucy's exact height isn't necessary; it's enough to say that she's of average height. I think the word you're looking for in the second sentence is "trim..." I do like how the colors she's wearing and the color of her eyes and hair contrast with the white room; that makes her really stand out. But we don't really need to know the exact way her fringe falls. Also, people tend to assume lips are pink... it's different if she's wearing pink lipstick, though.

    Other than that, it seemed to me that she would've spent more time on the girl. There are ways for checking for dehydration and such... I'd think she'd check her blood pressure and temperature, too. Also, a drug that would eliminate any virus is pretty beyond our technology... I get the impression that the injection scene is more important than what's actually being injected; I think it'd be more realistic if it were something to bring up her blood pressure, or something.

    But overall, I think you're doing well with showing us who the characters are, their emotions and relationships. That's the important stuff here. Good luck with the next chapter!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default Chapter 03 (Save Us)

    [A/N]:
    Special thanks to Hakajin for leaving me a heart-felt review. I appreciate your input and am glad you're enjoying the story

    As for the rest of you, I also thank you for reading the story. It feels good to see the number of views increase every day. I hope each one of you can write me a review of your own. I develop as a writer when I connect with my fellow readers.




    "She can sleep in this room," Ian opened the door.

    The small room they were entering consisted of a bed and a bedside drawer. On top of the drawer was a small orange lamp. The walls were forest green, and the carpet was light brown. The bed, which consisted of white sheets and a purple blanket, looked cozy at that time of night. Lucario set the girl upon it, relieved for her.

    Lucy walked around the room and frowned disapprovingly. Ian noticed this and shrugged. "It's a guest room," he told her. "I didn't plan on having guests."

    "Have you done any furnishing since you moved?" Lucy questioned.

    "No," Ian replied. "I've been managing the equipment."

    "I'll help you decorate sometime," Lucy offered. "At least you have a couch in the lobby."

    "It gets tiring moving things around," Ian leaned on the door frame.

    Lucy shook her head and giggled. The two looked at each other for a moment; then turned away, focusing on Lucario tucking the girl in.

    "I'm guessing you want to stay and watch her?" Ian guessed.

    "Yes," Lucario replied.

    "Want me to bring you a chair? Ian offered. "Some food?"

    "No thank you."

    "I'll bring you a chair anyway," Ian pushed himself off the doorframe. "I'll be right back."

    When he exited the room, only Lucy, Lucario, and the girl remained. Alakazam disappeared to the kitchen a while ago, hungry after their ordeal. Lucy gazed at Lucario from the foot of the bed. The look in Lucario's eyes was stunning. She never saw such...emotion before.

    "She must mean a lot to you," Lucy commented.

    "She does," Lucario answered, not turning away from the girl.

    "Where did you meet her?"

    Lucario stiffened.

    "It isn't my business to speak of such matters," he stated. "Please don't ask again."

    Lucy shifted uncomfortably. "Okay..."

    When Ian came back, he returned with a chair and a blanket. Close behind him was Alakazam, a steaming bowl of soup ready in her hands.

    "Here's the chair," Ian set the items against the wall, "and it gets cold at night, so here's a blanket."

    "Alaka," Alakazam handed Lucario the bowl.

    "No, no thank you," Lucario shook his head. But Alakazam continued to insist, so he sighed and took it.

    "Thank you."

    "Alakazam does that to me all the time," Ian leaned back on the doorframe. "Every time I forget to eat, she shoves food in my face until I eat it. I would've worked myself to starvation if it wasn't for her."

    "Alaka," Alakazam beamed proudly.

    "Well the soup smells delicious, Alakazam!" Lucy patted her stomach. "Do you mind if I get some too? I'm starving!"

    "Alaka!" the psychic led the way out.

    Lucy smiled and followed, but stopped at the doorway.

    "The medicine I gave her is only a temporary substitute for the nutrients she needs," she turned to Lucario. "She needs to eat real food tomorrow and go to my office for proper treatment. She may be feeling better now, but her body might suffer again if she doesn't go to the hospital."

    Lucario placed the bowl of soup on the ground. "Is there any way she can be treated without the knowledge of others?"

    "That's kind of hard to do," Lucy told him. "Can I at least know why you're keeping her so secluded? I promise she'll be safe at all times."

    "You can't promise that," Lucario stated. "Like I have said before, I cannot disclose such information."

    "C'mon, Lucario," Ian sighed. "If you want us to help her, you can't keep hiding secrets from us. We're the only help you can get right now, and the help we can offer is limited by how little we know."

    "Having her here endangers her enough as it is," Lucario insisted. "No one is supposed to know she's alive. If anybody finds out that she exists…"

    Lucario clenched his fists and turned away, unable to finish his sentence.

    "But doesn't she have parents that are worrying about her right now?" Lucy asked. "Was she raised in that temple?" She turned to Ian. "Maybe she caught something there that made her sick."

    Lucario whipped back around and glared at her.

    "What did you say?"

    "N-nothing!" Lucy stepped back. "I was only concerned for her well-being, just like you are! I didn't mean to offend y—"

    "How dare you!" Lucario spat. "Are you saying I'm not doing my job? I protect her with my LIFE! If you test me, I swear I will kill you!"

    "Enough!"

    Ian stood in front of Lucy.

    "If you're going to be like this, I want you and the girl out of this lab right now!" he pointed to the door. "We don't need to help you! If that girl dies tonight, it'll be your fault!"

    "Ian!" Lucy punched him on the shoulder. Ian grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the room.

    "No, Lucy!" Ian barked. "You help him, and he threatens your life? If he's so set on making us his enemy, then he better leave before I hurt him like one!"

    "No, Ian, stop this!" Lucy pleaded.

    "No! Please, stop!"

    Lucario ran to them, but was stopped by Alakazam. Her eyes and spoons flashed white light.

    "Alakazam, you stop this too!" Lucy scolded. "Alakazam, Ian, both of you, stop it!"

    "I've had enough of this," Ian growled. "Alakazam, use Psychic!"

    "Alaka..."

    Lucario froze as he was cloaked in white energy. He started screaming when the attack forced him on his knees.

    "No!" Lucy cried. "Stop it, you're hurting him!"

    She tried to pass Ian, but his arms kept her in place. "Stop it! Ian, please!"

    "Lucario!"

    Everyone froze. The girl was finally awake and running out of the room. Alakazam immediately released Lucario, allowing Lucario to fall weakly on the ground.

    The girl gasped and ran to his side. "Lucario!"

    "M-milady," Lucario muttered weakly.

    The girl pulled him into her arms and shook him. She was going to say something, but Lucario passed out before she could say it. The girl started shaking, her bangs hiding her face.

    "Umm..."

    The girl looked up.

    "Little girl?" Ian called out.

    He, Lucy, and Alakazam jumped when the girl glared at them. Her eyes were violet, sharp, and angry.

    "You did this!" she barked. "You hurt Lucario!"

    The girl raised a hand, her eyes glowing purple. In a flash, Ian, Alakazam, and Lucy were thrown to the walls. They cried out in pain, groaning when they landed on the ground.

    Ian clutched his head and looked at the girl. She was laying beside Lucario now, unconscious again.

    "I-Ian."

    Lucy moaned as she sat up. "Did that...did that girl just hit us with a...a Psywave?"

    ---

    "Here," Lucy handed Ian a cup of tea. "We're going to need it."

    "Thanks," Ian accepted.

    They drank their teas in silence. Alakazam sat on a chair close to them, her eyes on the doorway.

    The kitchen had light green walls and white marble floors. It contained basic kitchen appliances and a set of wares on the counter.

    Lucy stared at the steaming liquid.

    "So what are we going to do about this?"

    Ian set his cup on the counter. "I don't know."

    "At least we can understand now why Lucario wanted to keep her a secret so badly," Lucy commented.

    Ian froze. He stood up straight and made his way to the hallway.

    "I need to speak to them."

    "Wh-wha..." Lucy stammered. She set her cup down and followed him. "Now?"

    "I need answers," Ian stated. He was walking so fast, Lucy and Alakazam struggled to keep up with him. "I'm not settling for 'it's a secret' anymore."

    "Can't it wait until morning?" Lucy suggested. "The girl is still in an unstable condition, and Lucario is still injured from your attack."

    Ian grunted.

    "He started it," he stated. "He threatened you."

    "Yes, but you attacked him first!" Lucy reminded. "We already know he's overprotective of the girl and reluctant to trust us. If you really want to help them, you have to understand!"

    "Well maybe I don't want to help them anymore," Ian decided.

    He stopped in front of an electric door and typed a code on the keyboard. When a "beep" confirmed the code, they entered a room. Inside the room was a large glass chamber. Lucario was sitting inside, no longer unconscious.

    "Then what are you doing?" Lucy hissed.

    "Lucario!" Ian called out. "You have some explaining to do!"

    Lucario noticed their entrance and stood up warily. "I've thought about my actions and apologize," he told them. His voice was muffled, like he was speaking through a mic. "My actions were rash and foolish; I shouldn't have done what I've done. Punish me if you wish, but please don't hurt the girl."

    "Don't worry about her," Ian jerked his head to the door. "She's in another room, sleeping. Her Psywave attack tired her out."

    Lucario stiffened. "W-what…"

    "She attacked us after you fainted," Ian informed. "Tell me, Lucario, why can she do that?"

    "P-please," Lucario trembled. "As I've told you before, I cannot tell—"

    "If we don't get information out of you," Ian warned, "other scientists will."

    Lucy gasped. "Ian!"

    "No, please!"

    "Then tell us, Lucario!" Ian demanded, "how can that girl use a pokémon move?"

    Lucario clenched his fists.

    "If..If I tell you," he said, "will you continue to help her?"

    Lucy and Alakazam turned to Ian with the same pleading look im their eyes. Ian stepped closer, looking Lucario in the eye.

    "I don't like what you did to Lucy," he told him. "If there was any peace before you threatened to kill her, it's gone."

    Lucario gasped. "B-but I apolo—"

    "Let's get something straight here," Ian declared. "You don't make the shots here, I do. You threatened to kill someone precious to me, and that girl actually attacked us! Speak up right now and tell me why I shouldn't let you and the girl rot!"

    Lucario stepped back. Even Lucy and Alakazam took a few steps backwards.

    Lucario cursed himself. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be the girl's guardian, yet he led her to the very thing he was supposed to protect her from! Expose the girl's existence for her safety? How? Exposing her would only endanger her more!

    Lucario hated himself that moment. He failed his duties. He failed the girl.

    He trembled as he opened his mouth.

    "Ian..."

    Lucario froze.

    "It's late," Lucy continued. "We all had a long day and we're all tired. Let's do this tomorrow."

    Lucario widened his eyes. The red-headed woman, Lucy. She...she was helping him!

    Lucy walked closer to Ian. She took him by the shoulders and turned him to face her.

    "Ian," Lucy whispered, "please, for once, just listen to me. Lucario and the girl aren't going anywhere, you need to give yourself a break. Please continue this tomorrow. Please."

    Ian stared into her pleading eyes. Before Lucy could add anything, he straightened up.

    "Fine," he turned back to Lucario. "Thank her," he ordered. "Even after you threatened her life, she still wanted to help you."

    Lucario turned to Lucy. When he saw that her intentions were pure, he gave her a small smile. "Thank you."

    "You're welcome," Lucy smiled back.

    Ian looked at Lucy and stared at her for a few moments. When Lucy caught this, he walked away before she could ask.

    "Let's go," Ian said.

    Alakazam also gave her a look before following him out the door. Lucy was about to follow them, but looked at Lucario one last time. He was leaning against the glass, his head between his arms.

    Ian called out to her, and she exited the room. "Should we check on the girl?" she asked.

    "No," Ian walked ahead of them. "I'm sick of her and that stupid Lucario. I'll deal with them tomorrow."

    Lucy nodded as they stopped in front of the elevator. Lucy was checking the time on her phone when her phone started ringing. The caller ID stated "Matthew Burns". Lucy smiled and answered it, unaware of Ian's darkening mood.

    "Hello?" Lucy called out.

    "Babe, where are you?" a masculine voice responded. "It's almost midnight and you're still not home."

    "I know, I know, I'm sorry," Lucy apologized. She entered the elevator when the doors opened. "I was just helping…Alakazam. She caught a cold."

    "Give her the potion you usually give to other sick pokémon." Matthew told her. "And which alakazam are you talking about? The one that works with Ian?"

    "Yes," Lucy whispered so Ian couldn't hear. "I'm sorry for taking so long, dear. I'll be home soon."

    "Okay," Matthew hummed disapprovingly. "Be careful okay? It's raining hard outside."

    "I will."

    "I love you."

    "I love you too," Lucy returned. She put her phone away, painfully aware of the tension in the elevator.

    When the doors opened, the trio stepped outside. Ian was scowling, Lucy was frowning, and Alakazam was fidgeting. The tension intensified when they stopped at the front door.

    "I-I'll be back tomorrow morning," Lucy told them. "My shift isn't until four, so I'll be here when you guys deal with…you know."

    "Fine," Ian stated, opening the door.

    Lucy frowned, but faked a smile when she turned to Alakazam. "Goodnight, Alakazam."

    "Alaka," Alakazam nodded stiffly.

    Lucy sighed and exited the building. She unlocked her car and quickly ran to it.
    Ian closed the door and leaned against it. He stared into space, his eyes half-closed.

    "Alaka."

    Ian looked at Alakazam, then to the elevators. "Let's just go to bed."

    Alakazam only watched as Ian walked to the doors. She stood there for a few moments, then ran to follow him.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 25th September 2015 at 8:21 AM.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    Good chapter! I felt like we learned more about Ian (he's kind of a hot-head, isn't he?) and about Alakazam. I especially liked the latter, since we didn't know that much about what she was like before, except that she was protective of Ian. She's kind of like Lucy, which is interesting. Ian must get along well with people like that. It makes sense that Ian and Lucy would push Lucario too tell them the truth...

    “Having her here is endangering her life enough as it is,” Lucario insisted. “No one is supposed to know she’s alive. If anybody finds out that she exists…” Lucario clenched his fists and turned away, unable to finish his sentence.
    This is interesting. It makes me wonder if the girl is dangerous to others, somehow.

    “But doesn’t she have parents that are worrying about her right now?" Lucy asked. "Was she raised in that temple?” She turned to Ian. “Maybe she caught something there that made her sick,” she suggested.

    Lucario whipped back around and glared at her. “What did you say?” he growled, stepping forward.

    “N-nothing!” Lucy stepped back, waving her hands up in defense. Ian quickly shoved himself off the doorframe and stood protectively in front of her. Alakazam returned to the room and ran to Ian's side. "I was only concerned for her well-being just like you are! I didn’t mean to offend you—“

    “How dare you!” Lucario spat. “Are you saying I'm not doing my job? I protect her with my life! If you test me, I swear I will kill you!”
    Wow, that's kind of an extreme reaction. I mean, Lucario trusts Ian and Lucy, right? I can see him getting angry, because he seems to have a lot of pride and the girl is very important to him. But threatening Lucy is a bit much. It seems like he'd realize that it's in the girl's best interest to do his best to cooperate. Unless there's something going on here that the reader doesn't know about yet...

    “Ian!” Lucy protested and hit him on the shoulder, but Ian only used the opportunity to take her wrist and drag her out of the room.

    “No, Lucy!” Ian snarled. “You help him and he threatens your life! If he’s so keen to making us his enemies, then he should leave now before we make him leave!”

    But Lucy continued to pound on his shoulders and dig her heels on the ground. “No, Ian, stop this!” she pleaded, hitting harder when they went deeper into the hallway.

    “No, please, stop!”

    Lucario ran to them, but stopped when Alakazam stood on his way. Her eyes and spoons flashed bright white light, daring him to make a move. Ian saw this and turned around, a determined look on his face as he pushed Lucy behind him.

    “Alakazam, you stop this too!” Lucy scolded, pounding on Ian’s back. “Alakazam, Ian, both of you, stop it!”

    “Alakazam, use psychic,” Ian commanded.
    Ian and Lucy play off each other well, here. But I didn't think Ian would actually attack Lucario. I mean, I can see him having Alakazam at the ready, with the way Lucario ran out into the hall that way, but I wouldn't expect him to make the first move. Especially given his role with the PHF; he's probably had to diffuse tense situations before. I can see him forgetting himself and getting angry where Lucy's involved, but... Is there any way the situation could escalate by accident? Maybe the girl wakes up before anything actually happens and tries to protect Lucario?

    Ian quickly turned to see Lucy crawling slowly to his side. Her eyes were wide and panicked as his. “Did that girl just hit us with a Psywave?”
    Interesting; I wonder why she has powers?

    Your writing style is improving. Still catching a few uses of the present tense, but that seems more like typos than a deliberate choice; maybe just give your chapters a proof-reading before you post them. Good job overall!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Welp, I speed-read the last few chapters and I will post what I think about the story up to this point.

    Firstly, try to slow down your posting of the chapters. I used to do that to my fic, but then I figured that people would need time to actually read through them thoroughly and it takes time to give a full analysis, especially readers who've missed several chapters due to their own circumstances. Now, into the story itself:

    So now we are given a clearer insight as to what kind of a person Lucy since, her debut in Chap 3., actually is. In your narration, she is depicted as an optimistic person, always caring and ready to assist others in their hour of need, a woman of positive quality, and is able to understand feelings, humans and Pokemon alike. This can be proven by the fact that Lucy stepped up pronto after seeing the girl's poor condition and offered Lucario her assistance.

    Ian, on the other hand, is described as a person overprotective over Lucy. I used "over"protective because he was willing to command Alakazam to hurt Lucario (before he even attacked them, not to mention Lucario probably lost his mind when he was "offended" by Lucy, if he slowed down and thought that through, this wouldn't have happened. Of course, desperate times call for desperate measures, I won't blame Ian for this). I hope Ian's anger management can get better (possibly due to Lucy's help) throughout the chapters. Of course, it's not like I can "change the way a character of a story NOT WRITTEN BY ME reacts to situations", but it's just my personal opinion.

    Oh wait, did I mention the word "overprotective"? I did. Because in my personal opinion, Lucario and Ian almost have the same personality. Caring one moment and furious the next. Of course, all of these are caused by them having respective things, or should I say, persons, to protect. Lucario can't get his mind of the little girl's well concern just like Ian can't Lucy's.

    I still can't really give an analysis for what I think of Alakazam. All I can say, at the time, is that she is a trusty partner Ian could have. She is a really understanding Pokemon, she IS a Pokemon of high IQ, after all. I hope that she will have more roles in the upcoming chapters.

    Now, to the little girl. Little is known about her and she is almost completely shrouded in mystery up to this point, this is rendered doubtless considering she can use a Pokemon attack. By rereading the name of this fiction, I am just going to assume that she's the nicknamed "Violet Wolf"? I am sure these infos will be disclosed in future chapters, see I can't wait to continue reading them.

    To be honest, I can see Ian and Lucy making a good couple. Lucario even implied that this Matthew person doesn't stand in their way.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 13th July 2014 at 10:33 AM.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    “Here,” Lucy handed Ian a cup of tea. “We’re both going to need it.”

    “Thanks,” Ian accepted it. The two drank their tea in silence as they leaned on the kitchen counter. Alakazam sat on a chair close to them, but kept her eyes on the doorway.

    The kitchen with its light green walls and white marble floors contrasted with the dark tension in the room. It didn't have much except for a microwave, a fridge, and a few cups, plates, and silverware. There wouldn't be tea if Alakazam didn't bring some and other food ingredients herself. It made the setting empty, and a bit lonely too.
    Ok, so, good job setting the mood here; the room feels very stark. I'd leave out "with" in the first sentence... Also, I'd say "It didn't have much-- a fridge, a few cups, plates, silverware," (although it seems to me that the plates and silverware would be in the cabinets). Also, "There wouldn't have been tea. I think the last sentence could be left out, too, as the mood of the room is clear from the context. It's usually better to lead the reader to the conclusion, but let them make it themselves.

    Lucy lowered her cup and stared at the steaming brown liquid inside. “So what are we going to do about this?” she asked, hoping to break the silence as well as satisfy her curiosity.

    Ian set his cup on the counter. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

    Lucy gave him a sympathetic look and sighed. “At least we can understand now why Lucario was so keen on keeping her a secret,” she pointed out.

    Ian rose from his position but didn’t look at her. “I need to speak to them,” Ian said as he made his way out of the kitchen.

    “What, now?” Lucy blinked as she and Alakazam followed him.

    “I need answers,” Ian stated as he made his way to the west wing. “And I’m not settling for ‘it’s a secret’ anymore.”

    “Can’t it wait until morning?” Lucy asked as she tried to keep up with his strides. “The girl is still in an unstable condition and Lucario is still injured from your attack.”

    Ian grunted, remembering the recent events. “He started it,” he stated. “He threatened you.”

    “Yes, but you attacked him first,” Lucy reminded. “We already know he’s overprotective of the girl and reluctant to trust us. If you really want to help them, you have to understand!”

    “Well maybe I don’t want to help them anymore,” Ian remarked, stopping in front of an electric door. He lifted his right hand and typed a certain code on the keyboard. A beep confirmed the code before opening the door. Inside and farthest into the room was a large glass chamber with Lucario sitting inside, no longer unconscious.
    The conversation here is fine, but you're going a little heavy on the speech tags. When it's just two characters talking, you don't need to use them as much because of the give and take. Intermittent use is necessary, because the reader might lose their place after a certain number of lines... but I'd avoid speech tags like "reminded" and "queried;" they sound a little awkward. Also, I'm not sure why Ian is upset with the girl, too. I mean, sure, she attacked them, but she's just a little kid, and she was trying to protect someone important to her. I'd think Ian, an adult, would be more understanding.

    “Lucario, you have explaining to do,” Ian declared as he walked closer to the chamber.

    “I’ve thought about my actions and apologize,” Lucario placed both hands against the glass. “My actions were rash and foolish, and I never should’ve done what I’ve done. Punish me as you wish, but please don’t hurt the girl.”

    “Don’t worry about her,” Ian jerked his head to the door. “She’s in another room sleeping. Her Psywave attack on us tired her out.”

    Lucario stiffened, his arms falling limp at his sides. “W-what…”

    “She attacked us after you fainted,” Ian informed. “Tell me, Lucario, why can she do that?”

    Lucario stepped back. “P-please,” he pleaded. “As I’ve told you before, I cannot tell—“

    “If we can’t get information out of you, other scientists will,” Ian warned.

    “Ian!” Lucy gasped and hit him on the arm.

    “No, please!” Lucario begged.

    “Tell us, Lucario!” Ian insisted, “how can that girl use a Pokémon move?”

    Lucario growled and pounded on the glass again, this time out of helplessness instead of anger. “If I tell you,” Lucario started, “will you continue to help her?”

    Lucy and Alakazam turned to Ian with the same pleading look on their faces. Ian stepped closer and leaned on the glass, looking Lucario in the eyes. “I don’t like what you did to Lucy,” he told him. “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    Lucario jumped. “B-but I apolo—“

    “Let’s get something straight here,” Ian interrupted. “You don’t make the shots here--I do. You have something to protect with your life, but so do I. You threatened to kill someone precious to me, and the girl has physically attacked the three of us! So speak up right now and tell me why I shouldn’t let you and the girl rot in your chambers so this doesn’t happen again!”
    ...I gotta be honest, Ian is coming off as kind of a jerk here. I mean, he really owes Lucario an apology more than Lucario owes him one. Sure, Lucario threatened Lucy, but he didn't act on it. Meanwhile, Ian attacked Lucario first. Take into consideration the fact that Lucario is upset and stressed out because the person he cares most for is in trouble, and... Ian seems pretty callous. Especially when Lucario is trying to apologize. This is after the heat of the moment, too, so it seems like Ian should've calmed down... and instead he just starts laying into Lucario again.

    Lucario was about to speak, but another voice interrupted him. “Ian,” Lucy called out quietly, breaking the silence in the room. “It’s late,” she said. “We all had a long day and we’re all tired. Let’s do this tomorrow.”

    Lucario watched in shock as Lucy walked closer to Ian. She took him by the shoulders and turned him to face her. She’s helping me, Lucario realized incredulously.

    “Ian,” Lucy whispered so only Ian could hear her, “please, for once, just listen to me. Lucario and the girl aren’t going anywhere. You need to give yourself a break! This is a fragile situation, and it should only be handled when you’re well-rested. Please continue this tomorrow; I’ll be here.”

    Ian only stared into her pleading eyes, hiding the struggle that raged in his head. Before Lucy could add anything, Ian straightened up. “Fine,” he said before turning back to Lucario. “Thank her,” he commanded.” Even after you threatened her life, she was still kind enough to help you.”

    Lucario’s head whipped to Lucy and nodded. “Thank you,” he told her gratefully.

    “You’re welcome,” Lucy smiled at him.

    Ian turned to Lucy and stared for a few moments. When Lucy caught this, he started walking before she could ask. “Let’s go,” Ian said bluntly as he opened the door. Alakazam looked at her too before following Ian out the door.

    Lucy was about to follow them, but looked back at Lucario one last time. He was leaning against the glass again with his head between his arms. There seems to be something more than just fulfilling his duty, Lucy guessed. Then she heard Ian call out to her from the hall, and she finally exited the room.
    At least Lucy steps in to diffuse the situation. I imagine she'd be pretty POed at Ian... I kind of wanted her to tell him off. But I guess she didn't want to make him any madder...

    “Should we check on the girl?” Lucy suggested as the three headed for the elevator.

    “No,” Ian shook his head. “I’m sick of her and that stupid Lucario. I’ll deal with the both of them tomorrow.”

    Lucy nodded knowingly as they stopped in front of the elevator. Ian pushed the button to go to the first floor, and as they waited, Lucy took this opportunity to check the time on her cell phone. When she took it out from her pocket, the phone started to ring. “Matthew Burns” identified the caller’s name, as well as the picture of a handsome man with fair tan skin and black hair combed neatly to the side. Lucy smiled and answered it, unaware of Ian’s darkened mood.

    “Hello?” Lucy called out as the three of them stepped inside.

    “Babe, where are you?” a mature and masculine voice asked from the other end. “It’s almost midnight and you’re still not home.”

    “I know, I know, I’m sorry, dear,” Lucy apologized as the elevator doors closed in front of them. “I was just helping out…Alakazam. She caught a cold.”

    “You can give her the potion you usually give to other sick Pokémon. It shouldn’t take so long,” Matthew pointed out. “And which Alakazam are you talking about? The one that works with Ian?”

    “Yes,” Lucy confirmed quietly in case Ian could hear the conversation. “I’m sorry for taking so long, sweetie, I’ll be home soon.”

    “Hmm, okay,” Matthew hummed disapprovingly. “Just be careful okay? It’s raining hard outside.”

    “I will,” Lucy nodded.

    “I love you,” Ian told her.

    “I love you too,” Lucy muttered and hung up, trying to ignore the increasing tension in the elevator. Even Alakazam shifted uncomfortably at the spot.

    After what seemed like a decade, the elevator doors opened and the three quickly got out. They walked in silence as they neared the front doors. Ian looked more distressed than earlier, Lucy was anxiously biting her lip, and Alakazam continued to look uncomfortable.

    When they reached the front doors, Lucy stopped and turned to Ian. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning,” she told them. “Fortunately, my shift tomorrow isn’t until four so I’ll be here when you guys deal with…you know.”

    “Yes, goodnight,” Ian simply said, not looking her in the eyes as he opened the doors.

    Lucy flinched and frowned at this, but faked a smile when she turned to Alakazam. “Goodnight, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam stiffly nodded.

    Lucy sighed and turned to the outside world. She spotted her car and quickly ran to it. Ian watched her car’s headlights flash before Lucy entered the car. When she drove away, Ian closed the door and leaned his back against it.

    “Alaka,” Alakazam called out to him.

    Ian looked at her and deepened his frown. “Let’s just go to bed,” he grunted and walked ahead to the elevators. Alakazam stared at him with sympathetic eyes before following him.
    Well, that was awkward. Lucy sure gets good cel-phone reception in the elevator... although I guess since this is the Pokemon world, you can have whatever great technology you want (as long as it's not too hyperbolic).

    “I love you,” Ian told her.

    “I love you too,” Lucy muttered and hung up, trying to ignore the increasing tension in the elevator. Even Alakazam shifted uncomfortably at the spot.
    Did you mean "I love you," Matthew told her? ...I actually kind of like it better if it's Ian saying it, and Lucy doesn't hear him... but since it was in italics, that didn't seem like the case. Also, it'd be kind of a weird place for him to say it, I mean, there's no real lead-up to it. So never mind.

    Anyway, looking forward to getting some answers next chapter!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default Chapter 04 (Return to the Temple)

    Warning: This chapter contains blood and violence. Reader discretion is advised.



    Lucy raked her scalp. Ian, as he always did, managed to pull her out of her sanity and into his madness. He attacked and threatened Lucario! At least Lucario apologized for just threatening her.

    Lucy took a deep breath. She tried to focus on the road, but her attention reverted to Ian's words.

    "If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it's gone."

    "You threatened to kill someone precious to me."


    "Damn, him!" Lucy banged her fist on the steering wheel. A small part of her knew it wasn't her fault, but a big part blamed herself for Ian's behavior. Ian called her to help Lucario and the girl, but at the end of the night, she became the reason he turned against them.

    Lucy hissed as tears streamed down her eyes. Damn him, Lucy thought. After all those years, Ian still made her feel like crap.

    When Lucy got out of her car, she stomped towards the front door of her house and allowed the rain to cool her anger. Matt, a man with jet black hair and sky blue eyes, opened the door to welcome her.

    "L-Lucy!" he gasped as his wife stomped to him. "You're soaking wet!"

    When Lucy came inside, she grabbed Matt's shirt and shoved him against the wall. Matt gasped at her puffy eyes, but before he could ask, Lucy kissed him. Hard.

    "L-Lucy!" Matt pulled away. "What's wrong?"

    "I need you," Lucy croaked,"please."

    Matt immediately pulled her into a gentler, but more passionate, kiss. Lucy purred and started unbuttoning his shirt.

    ---

    Ian didn't get much sleep last night, if he slept at all. He tried to remember any dreams he may have had, but only recalled his ceiling's rough white texture.

    He grunted when his phone started to vibrate. He tried to ignore it, but the buzzing wouldn't stop.

    He rose from his bed and trudged to his device. When he saw who was trying to contact him, he groaned and turned on his laptop. The sun was barely rising when the menu appeared on the screen. The professor put on his lab coat before sitting on the computer chair.

    He clicked a certain icon on the desktop and selected "Adrian Werner" from the list of names presented to him. He then clicked the camera icon beside the man's picture, which was a pale middle-aged man with blank gray eyes, and waited. Adrian Werner appeared on the screen wearing a formal business suit. The walls behind him were white, so Ian knew he was already in his office.

    "Hello, Professor Quest," Werner greeted.

    "Hello, sir," Ian nodded politely. "I apologize for the late response. What can I do for you, sir?"

    "What is the report on the site we sent you to?" Werner asked.

    Ian hid a scoff. Straight-to-the-point as always, he thought. But then he remembered his trip to the temple and the events that followed, and he struggled to keep a straight face. He knew going there was an urgent matter. He may not have been informed why, but his recent discovery made him understand. The question was, should he reveal it?

    "It was raining hard, sir," Ian told him. "Alakazam and I tried to discover what we could, but the conditions forced us to return another day."

    He didn't lie, Ian told himself, but he hoped his response would give him more time to prepare a proper report. He still wasn't sure whether he should tell Werner about Lucario and the girl, and he never got the chance to enter the temple to supply any useful information. It's too soon, Ian grunted to himself. He needed more time.

    Unfortunately for him, Werner was persistent.

    "Did you find anything out of the ordinary?" Werner scrutinized. "Were you met with any resistance?"

    "Umm...no," Ian hummed tensely. "Alakazam and I never got the chance to enter the temple. We turned back before we could get there. Excuse me for a moment."

    Ian quickly walked out of of his laptop's camera range and took a breath. When he felt calm enough, he returned to his chair. Werner's eyes didn't look blank anymore. They were alive and hard with anger. Ian didn't know what looked worse.

    "Quest, I gave you a job to do," Werner stated. "If something as insignificant as weather keeps you from fulfilling your duties, I'll assign someone else to do the job."

    "No, no, sir!" Ian sat at the edge of his chair. He scolded himself for showing weakness, but he had to fight for his job. "I-I'll inspect the temple today and report to you tomorrow."

    "Good," Werner stated. "Have you recruited scientists for your lab?"

    "Not yet," Ian responded. "Mr. Denerro and I are meeting this Friday to discuss them."

    "Very well, "Werner nodded. "Send me the list of those approved as soon as possible."

    "I will, sir."

    "I'll speak to you soon," Werner asserted. "Don't fail me again, Quest."

    "I won't, sir," Ian muttered.

    When Werner's face was replaced with a black screen, Ian shut his laptop and sighed. He groaned loudly before pushing himself out of the room.

    ---

    Lucy smiled when she saw Matt sleeping soundly beside her. She ran a thumb against his cheekbone and mused at how peaceful he looked. She gasped when a large hand cupped her small one, and beamed when Matt opened his eyes.

    "Good morning," Matt greeted groggily.

    Lucy grinned. "Good morning."

    Matt lifted her up and placed her against his chest. Lucy sighed contentedly before giving him a kiss on the lips. "Did you sleep well?"

    "I did," Matt tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "How about you?"

    "I slept very well," Lucy pouted. "Did I wake you?"

    "No," Matt responded. "I think we're so used to each other's sleeping patterns, we wake up at the same time."

    Lucy giggled and kissed him again before leaning on his shoulder. She inhaled his musky scent and grinned when she remembered last night's events. When she remembered more events, however, her body went limp. Matt noticed this and nudged her gently.

    "Hey," Matt called out. "You still haven't told me about what happened last night."

    Lucy sighed. "It's nothing."

    "No it isn't," Matt frowned. "Did Ian do something?"

    "No, no," Lucy looked down, but Matt tilted her chin with his finger.

    "You're lying," he stated. "C'mon, Lucy, what did he do?"

    Lucy sighed again and plopped beside him. "He didn't do anything to me," she told him, "he was more of a pain about something else."

    Matt propped his head with his arm. "What happened last night?"

    "It's classified," Lucy responded, surprising Matt. "Alakazam wasn't sick, but something else was. I can't tell you anything about it since we don't have enough information."

    Matt sat completely up. "What was sick and why can't anyone know about it?"

    "Don't worry, it's nothing illegal," Lucy assured. "I actually asked that same question when Ian called me to his lab. We got a hint last night, but it only made things more complicated."

    "What things?" Matt narrowed his eyes.

    "Please, please, don't ask," Lucy pleaded. "We don't want to involve more people until we get more information. It's classified, Matt, and only Ian, Alakazam, and I know about it. Please, just trust me on this."

    When Matt saw how slumped her shoulders were, he couldn't help but surrender. It was an instinct to make sure no laws were being broken, but Lucy didn't seem to be breaking anything. She only seems to be hiding something she could barely comprehend. With that thought, another question came to mind.

    "Why did Ian call you?" Matt questioned. "Why didn't he contact other doctors and scientists?"

    Lucy looked at him. "I don't know."

    Matt turned away when his own conclusions came to mind.

    "Matt," Lucy called out. "Matt, look at me."

    When Matt finally turned to her, Lucy cupped his face. "It isn't what you think," she stated. "What happened between Ian and I is in the past. I love you. I'm with you, not Ian."

    "But you'll be with him later," Matt pointed out.

    "Yes," Lucy admitted, "I will, but only to help him and Alakazam with their…project."

    She looked at him for a while before pulling him into a kiss. She hoped it would pull him away from his suspicions, and it did. Matt returned the kiss with the same level of longing and pulled her even closer to him. When he laid her on the mattress, Lucy let his hands roam before pushing him off.

    "You have work," Lucy reminded. "You can't get that promotion if you're late."

    Matt pouted. "You're no fun."

    Lucy blushed when his naked body walked towards the bathroom. When Matt saw this, he smirked.

    "Get in the there already!" Lucy commanded, her cheeks flushing wildly. She threw a pillow at him when he walked even slower.

    Matt laughed out before finally reaching the bathroom. Lucy tried to remember a time when Ian made her feel that happy, but then a fart resounded through the room.

    "Sor-ry!"

    "Matt!" Lucy fanned the air. But her amusement overrode her irritation, and she laughed hysterically under the sheets.

    ---

    Lucy didn't make it far on the walkway when Ian burst out of the building. His face was pale, his eye bags were heavier than usual, and his breathing was ragged.

    "Ian?" Lucy followed him to his van. "Ian, what's wrong?"

    "Lucario and the girl are gone."

    Lucy gasped and ran to the other side of the van. "Where's Alakazam?"

    "I don't know," Ian started the engine, "but I have an idea."

    Lucy yelped when the van surged forward.

    ---

    He gritted his teeth as he watched the creatures fly and frolic at his grounds. They have no right to be there, he thought, and he should do something about it so they'll twice before trespassing again.

    A butterfree flew close to him, and he scowled when it smiled at him. He growled and clawed at it in retaliation, making it flutter away. Who do those creatures think they are? They're lucky to have these stupid laws protecting them or he would've taken them and-!

    He stopped and took a deep breath. He pictured himself doing the things he would've done and exhaled with a sneer. Patience, he told himself. The extermination of those monsters would take time to accomplish. It wasn't something he could spontaneously do. When those creatures die, they had to be gone for good.

    This world wasn't built to be shared, he told himself. This world wasn't built to be infested by those parasites. Those wretched scums will be wiped from the face of the planet; and humans, for the first time in history, won't have to share what was rightfully theirs.

    The time is coming, he chuckled. He could feel it.

    ---

    "I don't understand," Lucy gaped. "How did they even get out?"

    The van took a sharp turn. Lucy yelped and hung to the handle above her window.

    "The only ones that know how to unlock the chambers are me and Alakazam," Ian grunted, "and I didn't do it."

    "But this doesn't make sense," Lucy commented. "Why would Alakazam set them free? And where would she go?"

    "I don't know," Ian growled, "but I'm getting answers. No excuses this time."

    Lucy gave him a pained look and stared out the window. The tension between them was thickening, and the silence made things worse. She knew she shouldn't have but, "Go ahead," she permitted.

    Ian gave her a quick look. "Go ahead and what?"

    "Go ahead and say it," Lucy told him. "You were right, I was wrong. If I didn't insist on going to bed and postpone getting the answers you needed, this wouldn't have happened. Lucario and the girl would still be in their chambers, and Alakazam would still be with us. It's all my fault, you can go ahead and say it."

    To her surprise, Ian grunted in irritation.

    "Will you stop tearing yourself down?" he demanded. "If it isn't my fault, it's yours. If I wasn't good enough, you weren't good enough."

    "But…but I—"

    "And who gives a damn whose fault it is right now?" Ian yelled. "This is happening no matter whose fault it is! Even if Alakazam didn't set them free, we don't even know if that girl was human! She could've teleported herself and Lucario out of the chambers for all we know and Alakazam probably went after them!"

    Lucy bit her lip. "Still," she insisted. "If I didn't—"

    "I said stop it!" Ian snarled. "Stop making it your fault! No matter what you do, Lucario was never going to fess up! If he did say anything, it probably wouldn't have been the truth! So stop blaming yourself!"

    Lucy stiffened and turned away. Her fists shook and her eyes watered. Ian noticed this and sighed.

    "I hate it when this happens," he grunted. "I hate it when you blame yourself, I hate it when you make me feel bad for trying to stop you, and I hate how no matter how many times we try to make things work, it always blows up in our face!"

    Lucy bit her lip. "I'm sorry."

    "I don't even know what you're sorry for!" Ian roughly scratched his scalp. "Are you saying that because you have nothing else to say?"

    "No, no!" Lucy shook her head. "I just...I always mess things up!" she told him. "You needed me to help Lucario and the girl, but then I became the reason you turned against them."

    She started to sob.

    "And now they're gone because of me," she cupped her mouth, "and you might even lose your j-job because of…"

    "No, no, no," Ian shook his head. He parked on the side of the road and groaned. "Look at me," he ordered. "Look at me, Lucy."

    Lucy looked at him.

    "Stop blaming yourself," Ian told her. "I repeat, stop blaming yourself. And wipe those tears away!"

    Lucy only stared at him. Ian clicked his tongue and took out a napkin.

    "Now you listen to me," Ian handed her the napkin. "Nothing could've prevented this from happening. If you were really something that held me back, I wouldn't keep asking for your help. And if I didn't think you were good enough to continue helping me, you wouldn't be in this van.

    When you try to make me feel better by taking the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better," he told her," "When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I'm not the one married to you-why I'm not...not...not the one holding you and reminding you how...good you are to hate yourself so much."

    Lucy trembled.

    "No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I...I just can't hate you," Ian confessed. "I've tried to hate you, but every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I...I l-love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn't good enough to make you happy."

    Fresh tears trickled down Lucy's eyes, but Ian dismissed them and restarted the engine. "Now let's find Alakazam," he returned the van to the road. "I don't give a damn about Lucario and that girl anymore. I just want Alakazam back."

    ---

    "Lucario, is this necessary?"

    Lucario looked at the girl with determination, but when he saw how watery her eyes were, he quickly turned away.

    "Yes," he said. "I'm sorry."

    "But isn't there any other way?" the girl insisted. "I promise I'll never leave th—"

    "There isn't much time," Lucario interrupted. "Please, milady, you understand why this is necessary as much as I do. I don't want to do this either, but it must be done."

    Tears trickled down the girl's face as the girl enveloped him into a hug.

    "I'll miss you," she whispered.

    Lucario almost fell apart in her arms, but managed to keep himself together. This has to be done, he told himself. Not only for her own good, but the good of everyone else.

    He raised the crystal stake and stabbed it into her heart.

    ---

    When Ian and Lucy arrived at the temple, they saw a large, gray stone ruin. Only Alakazam stood in front of the entrance, waiting for them. Ian and Lucy got out of the van and approached her.

    "I'm not expecting an explanation," Ian stated. "If you were the one that set them free, I'll forgive you, but only if you come back with us right now."

    Alakazam, to their surprise, turned to enter the temple. She turned back once as a silent command to follow. Ian and Lucy hesitated at first, but when Lucy took Ian's hand, Ian looked at her and nodded before entering the tunnel together.

    Alakazam lit a spoon so they could see where they were going. Ian looked around and saw inscriptions carved into the walls. There were no images present, and many of the "words" were faded or scratched out.

    When Alakazam's white light didn't seem so bright, Ian and Lucy turned to see they entered a large cavern. Pokémon of many kinds inhabited the room, and their eyes automatically turned to them as they walked in. Lucy's grip on Ian's hand tightened.

    In the center of the room, there was a tall, cubed platform with four pokémon on the corners. There was something in the middle of the platform, but it was blocked by Lucario's figure.

    "Thank you for coming," Lucario acknowledged.

    "What's going on in here?" Ian demanded. "And how did you leave the lab?"

    "I explained our situation to Alakazam," Lucario answered. "She saw the importance of our situation and set us free. However, we still needed your help."

    "Ian," Lucy trembled, causing Ian to look at her. "Do you smell that? Is that..."

    Ian sniffed the air and froze.

    "Where's the girl, Lucario?"

    Lucario stiffened and stepped aside. The girl laid limp in the center of the platform, blood pooling around her. Lucy gasped in horror. Ian stomped towards the platform. "You son of a—"

    Immediately, the room was lit with varying forms of energy. They revealed not only how out-powered Ian and Lucy were, but how out-numbered they were as well. Alakazam, to their horror, also raised her spoons at them.

    "What did you do, Lucario?!" Ian demanded. "And what have you done to Alakazam?!"

    "Do you want to know what the girl is?" Lucario asked. "Do you want to know why her existence is so important, but must remain unknown?"

    "You killed her!" Ian snarled. "You killed the very person you were trying to protect! What sick excuse could you possibly have to justify what you've done?"

    Lucario clenched his fists. He seemed conflicted with himself, but Lucy was too angry to pity him.

    "She is dead not to be eliminated, but reborn," Lucario told them. "She has to continue existing in this world, but not in her present state."

    Ian widened his eyes. "Reborn?"

    "Yes," Lucario nodded. "And when she is reborn, she needs to be under your care."

    "What?" Ian demanded. "Why me? I thought you were her guardian?"

    Lucario immediately looked like he was going to crumble. He trembled at his spot and struggled to maintain his composure. The others looked almost as uncomfortable as he did.

    "No," Lucario managed to utter, "I will not."

    Ian and Lucy froze.

    "What's happening, Lucario?" Ian demanded. "Tell me the whole truth!"

    Lucario took a deep breath and struggled to look at him.

    "A war is going to break out between humans and pokémon," he told them. "In the end of the war, only one of the species will remain."

    "Wh-What are you talking about?" Lucy asked.

    "It was prophesied from the beginning of time," Lucario continued. "Our ancestors have passed this down for centuries to us, the Guardians of the Nexus."

    "Guardians...of the Nexus?" Ian repeated.

    "Yes," Lucario nodded. "Only a few chosen humans and pokémon are allowed to know this information. As guardians, it is our duty to protect the Nexus."

    "The nexus," Lucy said. "The link?"

    "Yes," Lucario turned to the corpse on the platform. "The Nexus is sent to Earth when the time for war is approaching. This way, she will learn how to live in this world and maintain peace between humans and pokémon. She," Lucario looked at the girl softly, "is the only reason why humans and pokémon continue to live in this world together. If someone were to find her and kill her, he or she can decide which species will live, and which species will die."

    Ian and Lucy couldn't believe what they were hearing. It wasn't possible! There was no way their existence could depend so much on a little girl!

    Lucario raised his arms. The pokémon in the corners followed suit.

    "Wait a minute!" Ian called out. "You just killed her! What's going to happen now that she's dead?"

    "She isn't completely dead," Lucario assured. "Her blood is being drained and absorbed by the temple. When the temple is destroyed, she will be revived as a new person, with no memories of who she is...or who we are."

    "Wait, this temple is going to be destroyed?" Lucy asked. "When?"

    Lucario looked up at the cavern's ceiling. When he did, Ian and Lucy found more inscriptions. The inscriptions were bigger, however, and more…alive.

    "Ian," Lucario called out, "once the temple is destroyed, you, Lucy, and Alakazam are going to take the girl and get as far away from here as possible. The rest of the guardians and I are going to stay here to die with the temple."

    "What?" Ian demanded. "Why do you all have to die?"

    "The temple can only transfer life," Lucario said. "Reviving a dead a person, specifically the Nexus, needs many sacrifices."

    The room became dead silent. Lucy ran to Ian's side when the inscriptions tore themselves off the walls. All the pokémon, including Lucario and Alakazam, started to chant in an unknown language.

    The girl started rising from the ground. The inscriptions surrounded the girl in teal light and imprinted themselves on the girl's body. A high-pitched screech blasted through the girl's mouth, terrifying Ian and Lucy as they held each other close.

    The room became pitch black. A thump was heard from the platform. Then, a large object blasted through the ceiling, blinding them with sunlight. More objects crashed through the ceiling, killing the pokémon they landed on.

    "Quick!" Lucario shoved the girl in Ian's arms. "Take her and go! Run before they hit you too!"

    Ian, who was shaking through the ordeal, found his strength and ran towards the tunnel. Lucy and Alakazam followed closely behind as more meteors plummeted into the cave. The walls and ceiling started to crumble, and the resulting dust made it hard to see and breathe.

    Lucy, horrified as she was, took a moment to glance at Lucario. Lucario gave her a small smile and waved, almost apologetically, before disappearing in a cloud of fire.

    The meteors started to follow them. The walls started to cave in.

    "Alakazam, use Protect!" Ian commanded. Alakazam quickly raised her spoons and manifested a shield. Debris threatened to break the shield, but the psychic maintained their guard until they exited the temple.

    The pillars outside started to crumble as well, threatening to crush them. Ian's van waited for them, but the ground below it started to tremble. The group was so focused on getting to the van, they didn't realize the ground beneath the temple was sinking.

    "Let's go! Let's go!" Ian shoved the girl in Alakazam's arms and hopped onto the driver's seat. Alakazam and Lucy went to the backseat with the girl and slammed the door shut. None of them bothered to wear a seat belt as the van sped out of the scene.

    The girl started to breathe.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 25th September 2015 at 9:08 AM.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,811

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChewieJ View Post
    [A/N]:
    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    Glad to help. I hope you will not mind that my next reviews will be a little shorter; the chapters are shorter than most things I read, so I'm not totally used to reviewing in this way.

    ---

    When the crew arrived at Ian’s lab, Lucario peered at the establishment he saw ahead. The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.

    When the van stopped in front of the pathway, Lucario read “Pokémon and Human Federation, Laboratory 67” engraved on the rectangular cement stone beside the steps of the footpath. Carrying the girl gently in his arms, who was covered in Ian’s spare jacket, Lucario gracefully hopped out of the van and into the rain, which was softer in this part of town. “Hurry on to the awning at the front doors,” Ian instructed, looking at the white car parked beside his green van. “I gotta get some stuff,” he added as he opened the trunk. “Go with them, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam nodded and gestured Lucario to follow his sprint to the double doors. Lucario followed quickly, but cautiously, as they neared the establishment. As they came closer, Lucario saw that the double doors and the garage doors were bigger than they seemed from far away. He could also see the rows of rectangular windows hanging far above the flower bushes, as if the only the ones that could see the outside world are ones who are one the second floor.[/quote]

    I would like to see how the relationship between Lucario and Alakazam develops. I see some good potential there.

    When the two Pokémon finally made it under the awning, they looked back to see Ian running to them with a large laptop bag slung over his shoulder. “Lucy’s already inside,” Ian informed. “That’s her car parked next to my van.”

    When he joined them under the awning, Ian approached the electric box suspended next to the doors. He pushed certain buttons and pressed his hand against the glass censor until a click was heard from the doors. Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    You really get a feel for how important she is to Lucario.

    As an aside, I like that she has not woken up yet. This is building the mystery well.

    Lucario saw white, a lot of it. The walls and ceilings were white. The curving reception desk further into the room was white. The pillars holding the building together were white. The only white he didn’t see were the elevators near each side of the reception desk and the stairwells beside them, which were mostly gray, silver, and a slightly darkened shade of white. What was also not a plain shade of white was the woman sitting on the white couch to their left. When they entered, she immediately stood up, allowing them to take in her appearance.

    She was a medium-sized woman, around 5’4 or 5’5, and had a lean figure that didn’t make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, a red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder, while her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”
    I'm liking Lucy so far. She fits the role of a caretaker well.

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    Lucario's characterization is very strong.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”

    “Let her do her job,” Ian told him. “She’s a doctor. She knows what she’s doing.”
    A couple of good things here. One, you're doing well remembering that Lucario is not a human and does not know human technology or medicine. That's an important tidbit and it's good you kept it.

    Lucy's explanation of her actions is accordingly appropriate.

    Third, I can definitely tell Ian has a good relationship with Lucy. I got the feeling that would be something important, and you're doing a pretty decent job of it so far.

    You should say "brown leather bag" though. It flows better.

    “Thank you, Ian,” the woman gave him a quick smile before using the stethoscope to hear the girl’s heartbeat. “Her heartbeat is slow,” she stated before standing up. “I can’t tell exactly what’s wrong without the proper equipment, but I can give her these.” She dove into her bag again and took out small bags, bottles, and cases with pills. “She also needs dry clothes,” the woman noted.

    “I’ll be back,” Ian said before running off.

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    Another strong moment for Lucario's bond with the girl.

    Lucy's compassion is also shining through quite well. She hasn't been around for long but she's already a standout character.

    The woman sighed. “Very well then,” she nodded before taking two bags filled with injection needles and containers that held intriguing liquids. She uncapped a needle and stuck it through the container’s top, using it to absorb the liquid inside. She sprayed some liquid out of the needle before taking the girl’s left bicep. Lucario’s eyes hardened as the needle penetrated the girl’s skin, injecting her with the questionable fluid. “If the girl has an infection, this fluid will eliminate the viruses,” the woman assured him.

    The woman wasted no time before claiming a bottle and a jar filled with capsules. She took a pill out of the jar and snapped the cap off the bottle. She then held the girl’s head up and inserted the pill into the girl’s mouth. She tilted the bottle to the girl’s lips and tilted the girl’s head so the girl can swallow the bottle’s liquid. “This will feed her if she’s is famished, dehydrated, or malnourished.”
    The medicine is a bit... fantastic. I'm not sure if that's a problem though, given that it's the Pokemon world.

    "She tilted the bottle to the girl's lips and moved the girl's head back so she could swallow the liquid" is a better way to write that line.

    She returned the girl on her back on the couch and smiled. “We’ll wait a bit so the medicine can kick in,” she said while removing her jacket. “This will make her more comfortable,” she added as she folded her jacket and placed it under the girl’s head. She turned behind her. “Where’s Ian and those clothes?”

    “Here!” Ian called out as he exited from an elevator. “I got an old shirt, shorts, and a blanket.”

    “Thank you,” the woman took the clothes from his hands. “Now turn around so I can dress the girl.”

    Ian rolled his eyes and turned away. Alakazam didn’t need to turn away, but Lucario continued to watch because he wouldn’t allow himself not to. Despite the struggle to get the girl’s wet dress off of her, the woman managed to get the job done quickly. When Ian turned back around, the girl is back on the couch with his clothes covering her whole body. “She’s so small,” Ian commented.
    Thanks for not lingering on that part, it could have gotten awkward.

    “Maybe you’re just too big,” the woman chuckled to him, causing Ian to roll his eyes once more.

    Lucario took the red blanket Ian brought and covered the girl from shoulder to toe. His gaze softened as the girl eventually stopped shivering, her breathing becoming steadier. The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    Nice way to end it.

    I think so far the best part is the characterization. Lucy and Lucario are especially standing out. I probably would prefer slightly longer chapters, but that's a personal preference; you write what you feel comfortable with.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 19: The Weight of the World (Part 1)
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 2)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    Hakajin: Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes! I totally needed to fix them. I think I'm going to stick with my "labels" though. I appreciate the advice, but the dialogue just feels empty without them. I do appreciate the rest of your constructive criticism. My writing has improved a lot because of you
    No problem, glad to help!

    Lucy grunted as she raked her fingers through her scalp. Her hair tie was lost after she pulled her hair out of frustration.

    Ian, as he always did, managed to pull her out of her sanity and into his madness. He attacked and threatened Lucario! At least Lucario managed to swallow his pride and apologize for just threatening her. But did Ian consider this and try to deal with it rationally? No! He never does!

    Lucy took a deep breath and exhaled. She tried to focus on the road, but then her attention reverted to Ian’s previous words.

    “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    “You threatened to kill someone precious to me.”

    “Damn, him!” Lucy banged a fist on the steering wheel when she stopped in front of a stop sign. A small part of her knew it wasn’t her fault, but a big part of her blamed herself for Ian’s uncharacteristic behavior. Ian called her to help Lucario and the girl, but in the end of the night, she became his reason to turn against them.

    Lucy hissed as tears streamed down her eyes. Damn him, Lucy thought. After all these years, Ian can still make her feel like crap. She was just starting to learn how to be strong, especially when she loses patients, but when she finally starts making progress, Ian comes back and ruins everything!
    Oh, I'm glad to see things from Lucy's point of view! I like her thoughts about Ian's behavior here, it really helps show that you, the author, don't necessarily agree with his actions. This also makes me curious about their history, and about what Lucy was like before. It's interesting that self-confidence is something she's had to work on; that's a great character trait.

    After waiting a few more moments, Adrian Werner appeared on the screen wearing his formal business suit. The walls behind him were white, so Ian knew he was already in his office.

    “Hello, Professor Quest,” Werner greeted formally.

    “Hello, sir,” Ian nodded politely. “I apologize for the late response. What can I do for you, sir?”

    “What is the report on the site we sent you to?” Werner requested. Ian hid a knowing scoff. Straight-to-the-point as always, he thought. But when he remembered his trip to the temple and the events that followed, he struggled to keep a straight face. He knew that going there was an urgent matter. He may not have been informed why, but his recent discovery made him understand. The question was, should he reveal it?
    I like how Werner is always straight to the point; it makes him a good foil for Ian, who needs to hide things from him. Overall, the situation Ian is in in this scene is very relatable.

    Lucy giggled and kissed him again before leaning against his shoulder. She inhaled his unique musky scent and grinned when she remembered last night’s events. But when she remembered more events, her body fell limp. Matthew noticed this and nudged her gently. “Hey,” he called out. “You still haven’t told me about what happened last night.”

    Lucy sighed and looked up at him. "It's nothing," she lied.

    “No it isn’t,” Matthew told her sternly. “Did Ian do something?"

    Lucy shook her head. “No, no,” she looked down, but Matthew tilted her chin back up with his finger.

    “You’re lying,” Matthew stated. “C’mon, Lucy, what did he do?”

    Lucy sighed again and plopped down beside him. “He didn’t do anything to me,” Lucy corrected, “he was more of a pain about something else.”

    Matthew turned to her and lifted his head with his arm. “What happened last night, Lucy?”

    Lucy bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s classified,” she responded, surprising Matthew. “Alakazam wasn’t sick, but something else was. I can’t tell you anything about it since we don’t have enough information.”

    Matthew sat completely up, eying her suspiciously. “What was sick and why can’t anyone know about it?” he interrogated.

    “Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal,” Lucy assured. “I actually asked that same question when Ian called me to his lab. We got a hint last night, but it was enough to complicate things even more.”

    “Complicate what things?” Matthew insisted.

    “Please, please, don’t ask,” Lucy pleaded, groaning when she realized how much she sounded like Lucario. “We don’t want to involve any more people until we get more information. It’s classified, Matthew, and only Ian, Alakazam, and I know about it. Please, just trust me on this.”

    When Matthew noticed how slumped Lucy’s shoulders were and how watery her eyes became, Matthew couldn’t help but pity his wife. It was an instinct to make sure no laws were being broken, but Lucy didn’t seem to be breaking anything. She only seems to be hiding something she could barely comprehend, and nothing seemed to be causing any significant damage. With that thought, another question came to mind. “Why did Ian call you?” Matthew asked. “Why didn’t he contact other doctors and scientists?”

    Lucy looked at him. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly, because she honestly didn’t know.

    Matthew detected her honesty, but frowned when his own conclusions came to mind. Lucy noticed this and sat up so they were looking eye to eye. “Matthew,” Lucy called out when Matthew turned away. “Matthew, look at me.”

    When Matthew finally turned to her, Lucy cupped his face in her hands. “It isn’t what you think,” Lucy stated. “What happened between Ian and I is in the past. I love you, and I’m here with you, not him.”

    “But you'll be with him later,” Matthew remarked.

    Lucy bit her lip. “Yes, I will meet him later,” Lucy confirmed, “but only to help him and Alakazam with their…project.”

    She looked at him for a while before pulling him into a kiss. She hoped he could feel her need for him and forget about his suspicions. Fortunately, Matthew returned the kiss with the same level of longing and pulled her closer to him.

    When Matthew laid her down on the mattress, Lucy continued to kiss him and let his hands roam until she eventually pushed him off. “You have work,” Lucy reminded. “You can’t get that promotion if you’re late.”

    Matthew pouted. “You’re no fun,” he whined before pushing himself off the bed. Lucy blushed when his naked body walked towards the bathroom and rolled her eyes when Matthew smirked at her.

    “Get in the there already!” Lucy commanded with flashing cheeks before throwing a pillow at him. Matthew quickened his pace and laughed as he reached the bathroom’s doorway. Lucy tried to remember a time when Ian made her feel this happy, but then a loud fart resounded in the room.

    “Sorry,” Matthew muttered before closing the door.

    “Matthew!” Lucy protested and fanned the air with the blankets. But her amusement overrode her irritation, and she laughed hysterically under the sheets.
    I'm really enjoying the relationship between these two; I could really tell that they're a team. That's unusual; most authors give into the impulse to make the romantic rival a jerk, or just boring. Matthew's not too nice, either; he does push Lucy a little. I got the feeling that she's really in love with him. So good on that! The fart was also a nice humorous touch that shows their playfulness together.

    Lucy didn’t make it that far on the walkway when Ian burst out of the building. His face was pale, his eye bags were darker and heavier than usual, and his breathing was ragged as he ran to his van. “Ian?” Lucy called out. “Ian what’s wrong?”

    “Lucario and the girl are gone,” Ian said as he opened the driver’s door. Lucy jumped and ran to the other side of the van.

    “Where’s Alakazam?” Lucy asked as she opened the passenger’s door.

    “I don’t know,” Ian said as he started the engine, “but I have an idea.”

    Lucy yelped when the van surged forward and into the road, heading to an unknown place before she could put on her seatbelt.
    Good development to close on!

    Overall, I think this is my favorite chapter so far, because of the strong characterization. I notice that you're still slipping into the present tense sometimes... but that could be fixed with some proof-reading.
    Last edited by Hakajin; 24th July 2014 at 12:25 AM.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Hi guys!
    I just wanted to say that I edited a lot of stuff in Chapter 07, so if you started reading earlier and saw big changes later, you'll know why.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    He gritted his teeth as he watched the damned creatures fly and run around his grounds. They have no right to be there, he thought, and he should do something about it so they'll twice before trespassing again.

    He saw a Butterfree fly close to him and scowled when it smiled. He growled and clawed in retaliation, making it flutter fearfully away. Who did those creatures think they are? They’re lucky to have these stupid laws protecting them or he would've taken them and--!

    He stopped and took a deep breath. He pictured himself doing the things he would do and exhaled with a sneer. Patience, he told himself. The extermination of these monsters will take time to accomplish; it wasn’t something he can spontaneously do. When these creatures die, they have to be gone for good. None of them will live to see the future; he’ll make sure of that.

    This world wasn’t built to be shared, he growled to himself. This world wasn’t built to be infested with those parasites. Those wretched scums will be wiped from the face of the planet, and humans, for the first time in history, won’t have to share what was rightfully theirs.

    The time is coming, he chuckled. He can feel it.
    I'm curious about who this person is and why he thinks that way...

    Lucy gave him a pained look and stared outside the window. The tension between them was thickening, and the silence made things worse. She knew she shouldn’t but, “Go ahead,” Lucy permitted.

    Ian gave her a quick look. “Go ahead and what?”

    “Go ahead and say it,” Lucy continued. “You were right, I was wrong. If I didn’t insist on going to bed and postpone getting the answers you needed, this wouldn’t have happened. Lucario and the girl would still be in their chambers, and Alakazam would still be with us. It’s all my fault, you can go ahead and say it.”

    To her surprise, Ian grunted in irritation. “Will you stop tearing yourself down?” he demanded. “If it isn’t my fault, it’s yours. If I wasn’t good enough, you weren’t good enough.”

    “But…but I—“

    “And who gives a damn whose fault it is right now?” Ian continued. “This is happening no matter whose fault it is! Even if Alakazam didn’t set them free, we don’t even know if that girl was even human! She could’ve teleported herself and Lucario out of the chambers for all we know and Alakazam probably went after them!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “Still,” she insisted. “If I didn’t—“

    “I said stop it!” Ian snarled. “Stop making it your fault! No matter what you do, Lucario was never going to fess up! If he did say anything, it probably wouldn’t have been the truth! So stop blaming yourself!”

    Lucy stiffened and turned away. Her fists shook and her eyes watered, but she forced herself to be strong. Ian noticed this and sighed. “I hate it when this happens,” he grunted. “I hate it when you blame yourself, I hate it when you make me feel bad for trying to stop you, and I hate how no matter how many times we try to make things work, it always blows up in our face!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “I’m sorry."

    Ian clawed his scalp. “I don’t even know what you’re sorry for!” he told her. “Are you just saying that because you have nothing else to say?”

    “No, no!” Lucy shook her head. “I...I always mess things up!” she proclaimed. “You needed me to help Lucario and the girl, but then I became the reason you turned against them,” she started sobbing at this point. “And now they’re gone because of me, and you might even lose your job because of…” Lucy cupped her mouth to stifle her sobs.

    Ian shook his head. "No, no, no," he muttered and pulled over to the side of the road. “Lucy, look at me,” he ordered. “Look at me, Lucy.”

    When Lucy did what she was told, she jumped back at Ian’s intense gaze. “Stop blaming yourself,” Ian commanded. “I repeat, stop blaming yourself, and wipe those tears away!”

    When Lucy only stared at him in shock, Ian tsked and took out a napkin. When he shoved it in her face, Lucy was forced to take it. “Now you listen to me,” Ian started. “Nothing could’ve prevented this from happening. If you were really something that held me back, I wouldn’t keep asking for your help. And if I didn’t think you were good enough to continue helping me, you wouldn’t be in this van.”

    Ian roughly scratched the back of his head and sighed. “When you try to make me feel better by taking all the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better. When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I’m not the one married to you--why I’m not the one holding you and reminding you how good you are to hate yourself so much.”

    Lucy gasped as Ian’s eyes softened. “No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I just can’t hate you,” he told her. “I’ve tried to hate you, and I know enough that I should. But every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to make you happy.”

    Fresh tears trickled down Lucy’s eyes, but Ian dismissed them and started the engine. “Now let’s find Alakazam,” he said as he returned the van on the road. “I don’t give a damn about Lucario and that girl anymore. I just want Alakazam back.”
    I like this whole interaction. I'm someone with a strong sense of shame and guilt... it's not an on-going thing, I usually like myself very much... but when I feel like I've done something wrong, even if I know I haven't, I feel it intensely. Anyway, my point is that I can definitely relate to Lucy here. It works especially well given earlier comments about how she's struggled with self-confidence. And I like how frustrated Ian gets with the whole thing. I'm getting a clearer and clearer sense of his personality... and it makes me feel like he's really unsuited to his job. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to go into why he was drawn to that particular career in the first place (if he was drawn to it at all and it wasn't just a matter of circumstance or convenience), and how he got so far in it without being fired. Anyway. This conversation shows that while he and Lucy care for each other, their personalities make their relationship kind of destructive. I mean, I seem to have a lot in common with Lucy, and if she's like me, she does not take it well when others get angry at her. The only criticism I have here is that Ian gets rather long-winded in this part:
    Ian roughly scratched the back of his head and sighed. “When you try to make me feel better by taking all the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better. When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I’m not the one married to you--why I’m not the one holding you and reminding you how good you are to hate yourself so much.”

    Lucy gasped as Ian’s eyes softened. “No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I just can’t hate you,” he told her. “I’ve tried to hate you, and I know enough that I should. But every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to make you happy.”
    The problem is that it sounds very practiced... like when you obsess over finding just the right words to say in your head. I used to have my characters talk that way a lot, because I'd work at it until their words described how they felt to a T... but in real life, people rarely get to express themselves so well. Even when they have something rehearsed, the other person doesn't respond right, so you end up going on tangents, or you forget something, and it just doesn't come out right. Also, I wouldn't expect Ian to be so open about his feelings for Lucy, given their previous interactions. Since the narration has access to Ian's feelings, you could still address all this stuff without him having to actually say it all.

    “Lucario, is this necessary?”

    Lucario looked at the girl with determination, but when he saw how watery her eyes were, he quickly turned away. “Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

    “But isn’t there any other way?” the girl insisted. “I promise I’ll never leave th—“

    “There isn’t much time,” Lucario interrupted. “Please, milady, you understand why this is necessary as much as I do. I don’t want to do this either, but it must be done.”

    Tears trickled down the girl’s face as the girl enveloped him into a hug. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered.

    Lucario almost fell apart in her arms. He struggled to keep his own tears back and reminded himself of his duty. This has to be done, he told himself. It wasn’t only for her own good, but the good of everyone else.

    He raised the crystal stake and stabbed it into her heart.
    This was a very sad scene; I really felt for the characters, and I was surprised with the way it ended.

    “Do you want to know what the girl is?” Lucario offered. “Do you want to know why her existence is so important, but must remain unknown?”


    Yes, yes I would.

    “She is dead not to be eliminated, but to be reborn,” Lucario explained. “She has to continue existing in this world, but not in her present state.”

    Ian stared at him in shock. “Reborn?”

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “And when she is reborn, she needs to be under your care.”

    This caused Ian to jump back. “What?” he demanded. “Why me? I thought you were her guardian?”

    At that moment, Lucario looked like he was going to crumble. He trembled his spot and struggled to maintain his composure. The other Pokemon looked almost as uncomfortable as he did. “No,” Lucario managed to utter. “I will not.”

    Ian and Lucy continued to stare at him. “What’s happening, Lucario?” Ian asked. “And tell me the whole truth.”

    Lucario took a deep breath and struggled to look at him. “A war is going to break out between humans and Pokemon,” Lucario told them. “In the end of the war, only one of the species will remain.”

    Ian and Lucy gasped. “What are you talking about?” Lucy asked.

    “It was prophesied from the beginning of time,” Lucario continued. “Our ancestors have passed this down for centuries to us, the Guardians of the Nexus.”

    “Guardians of the Nexus?” Ian repeated.

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “Only a few chosen humans and Pokémon are allowed to know this information. Because you met and assisted us, you were chosen to be guardians too. As guardians, it is our duty to protect the Nexus.”

    “The nexus,” Lucy said. “The link?”

    “Yes,” Lucario said and turned to the girl. “The Nexus is sent to Earth when the time for war is approaching. This way, she will learn how to live in this world and maintain peace between humans and Pokémon. She,” Lucario looked at the girl softly, “is the only reason why humans and Pokemon continue to live in this world together. If someone was to find her and kill her, the killer can decide which specie will live, and which specie will die.”

    Ian and Lucy couldn’t believe what they were hearing. It just wasn’t possible! There was no way their existence can depend so much on a little girl!

    Many tempting questions swirled around their heads, but they couldn’t pick which one to ask. Lucario didn’t wait and raised both of his arms. The Pokémon in the corners followed suit.

    “Wait a minute!” Ian called out. “You just killed her! What's going to happen now that she's dead?”

    “She isn’t completely dead,” Lucario assured. “Her blood is being drained and absorbed by the temple. When the temple is destroyed, she will be revived as a new person, with no memories of who she is...or who we are.”

    “Wait, this temple is going to be destroyed?” Lucy asked. “When?”

    Lucario looked up at the cavern’s ceiling. When he did, Ian and Lucy found more inscriptions, but the inscriptions were bigger and more…alive. “Ian,” Lucario called out, surprising both Ian and Lucy, “once the temple is destroyed, you, Lucy, and Alakazam are going to take the girl and get as far away from here as possible. The rest of the guardians and I are going to stay here to die with the temple.”

    “What?” Ian demanded. “Why do you all have to die?”

    “The temple can only transfer life,” Lucario said. “Reviving a dead a person, specifically the Nexus, needs many sacrifices.”
    This is all very interesting. But I wonder how, exactly, the Nexus can determine something like that? And I wonder how the temple facilitates this reincarnation (or whatever it is). Well, not every little detail has to be explained; it's actually good to leave a little mystery... but fictional worlds do usually need rules to seem believable. None of this is actually criticism, because this isn't the place to explain all that, anyway; having Lucario go into a detailed explanation while the temple is falling apart and he's about to die would seem clumsy. Just something to keep in mind. Actually, though, the reason I want to see explanation is that I'm already interested in what's happening here, and I'm looking forward to learning more about it and seeing where the plot goes from here.

    The girl, who was limp in Alakazam’s arms, started to breathe.
    I read yesterday, but I did catch this edit, and I'm glad to see it. It'd be a shame to have the girl die before she we even get to know her.

    Enjoyed this chapter; it was great to see the ball start rolling and get some explanation!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default Chapter 05 (She Has Come)

    Warning: This chapter contains blood. Viewer discretion is advised.



    "Lucario! Lucario! Come here! Come here!"

    "Milady, what is the matter?" Lucario ran to the lake. The lake was a large body of water hidden by thick trees and bushes. The skies were swirling with orange, pink, and blue, signaling the approaching sunset.

    "Look what I can do!" the girl raised her arms. At the motion, bubbles emerged from the lake and started floating around them. Lucario watched in awe as the aquatic spheres reflected the sunset lights.

    "You like it?" the girl grinned. "I've been working on it for weeks!"

    "This is impressive, milady," Lucario commented. "Did you make sure you weren't seen?"

    The girl pouted. "Yeah, I made sure no one was around. I also wanted to surprise you!"

    Lucario smiled. "Well I'm glad," he said, "and very proud."

    "Just wait and see, Lucario!" the girl winked. "I'm gonna master all the pokémon moves and be unstoppable! Then we won't have to worry about being safe anymore!"

    Lucario frowned. "Milady…"

    "I'm tired of being hidden and protected all the time!" the girl stomped. "I don't want to be that fragile thing everyone is always looking out for! If I really am that special, I should learn to defend myself too, you know! You can't protect me from everything!"

    "I can try," Lucario remarked. "After all, it is my duty to protect you with my life."

    "But don't you want to be more than someone else's bodyguard?" the girl asked. "And everyone else too! Don't you guys want to travel the world and maybe live with humans? Surely you don't want to be in a forest hiding for the rest of your lives?"

    "We do what we do because it is our duty," Lucario told her. "Remember that the world only exists today because we're doing our job."

    The girl frowned. "But…there just has to be something…more…"

    Lucario took her hand. "I'm sorry I cannot promise you anything more than this," he apologized. "As much as I would like to show you the world, leaving the grounds is far too dangerous. You are safer here with me and the rest of the guardians, and the only thing we want more than anything in this world is for you to be safe. I hope you understand."

    The girl continued to frown but nodded. "Yes," she muttered. "I understand."

    Lucario smiled. "Good," he said. "Do you have any more moves to show me? If not, I can teach you some."

    The girl brightened. "Really?"

    "Yes," Lucario nodded. "It is wise to start mastering your powers while you are young."

    The girl gasped and jumped in the air. "Yes!"

    A large wave appeared and struck Lucario with full force. The girl gasped and ran to Lucario, who was groaning on the ground in pain.

    "Lucario!" she ran to his side. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that! Are you okay?"

    Lucario shifted uncomfortably in his spot and gave her a stiff nod. He may had been hit with powerful attacks before, but the power the girl had was stronger than anything he could compare. "I'm fine, milady," he assured. "I just never expected you to learn something as simple as Bubble to something as strong as Surf in such a short period of time."

    The girl giggled and engulfed him into a hug. Lucario, who was still in pain, flinched upon contact.

    "What can I say?" the girl beamed. "I have an awesome teacher."

    Lucario smiled and patted her in the arm. "Promise me you'll help me through this," he heard her request. "I don't want to go through this alone."

    Lucario wondered vaguely if she was still talking about the mastery of her powers, but shook his thoughts away. There wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do for her.

    "I promise."


    "Well at least she's alive," Lucy read a machine's readings. "I don't know how she survived a stab to the heart and heavy blood loss, but there are always things science can't explain."

    Instead of going to the hospital, the group returned to Ian's lab. The lab's technology were for studying and analyzing pokémon, but recent events dismissed objections the group had on using them on the girl. The machines were taking a while to get information, which was unusual considering how fast technology functioned at that time period.

    "Medicine has progressed because of pokémon," Lucy continued. "Many other things we use today are also made with pokémon. Why would someone try to end the relationship we have with them?"

    Ian maintained a blank expression. Alakazam, however, expressed more concern. Lucy then wondered what it would be like to fight against Alakazam, but cringed at the thought. What horrible fate could possibly lead her to fight such a good friend?

    The machines went off in consecutive beeps. When the group looked at the information they offered, they were disappointed. One of the machines spoke out in a male voice.

    "Species: Unknown"

    "This isn't possible," Ian grunted.

    "Can it at least tell us how old the girl is?" Lucy offered.

    Ian typed on the machine's keyboard.

    "Age: 10"

    The group sighed. Ian continued to type on the keyboard.

    "Gender: Female"

    "Blood Type: Unknown"

    "Hair Color: Black"

    "Eye Color: Violet"


    Ian narrowed his eyes. He did remember seeing the girl with purple eyes, but didn't think much of it until then. It was rare for someone to have violet eyes, human or pokémon.

    Ian tapped certain icons on the machine's screen. "Lucy, what's today's date?"

    Lucy took out her phone. "February 9th."

    "Thank you," Ian typed the date on the file name slot. He thought about naming the file after the girl, but decided against it.

    "Guys," Lucy neared the girl, "she's waking up."

    Ian and Alakazam immediately ran to the girl. The girl laid on a padded platform and had wires and needles stuck to her skin. The trio became anxious. The last time the girl awoken, she attacked them with a Psybeam. How would she react if she saw them now?

    The girl opened her eyes. Her violet irises glinted weakly, but curiously.

    "Where am I?" she asked. "And who are you?"

    Lucy stiffened. "You don't remember who we are?"

    "No," the girl shook her head. She then looked down, her eyes widening and her cheeks reddening darkly.

    "What's the matter?" Lucy asked.

    The girl looked up. "Who am I?"

    Time stopped. At least, it felt like it did. All hope of knowing the girl's identity had vanished. The girl started to feel uncomfortable at the stares the group was giving her.

    "You d-don't," Lucy gaped, "r-remember who you are?"

    "No," the girl muttered. "I don't…I don't remember anything…"

    The group gasped when tears streamed down her face. The girl didn't seem to notice that, however, as she clutched her chest and stared at the air in pain.

    "What's wrong?" Lucy placed a hand on her shoulder. "Does your chest hurt?"

    "I-I don't know," the girl stammered. "I just…I just f-feel so empty. A-and my h-heart...hurts and I-I don't know w-why…"

    Ian immediately understood but said nothing. When Lucy looked at him, he only said, "Lucario."

    The girl looked at him. "W-what did you say?"

    "Your friend died to protect you," Ian told her. "He's the reason you're here today. You may not remember him, but your heart does. That's why it's hurting, because he's not here anymore."

    More tears streamed down the girl's face as her eyes widened in shock. She still didn't know what he was talking about, but deep down she knew. She knew.

    "Alaka."

    The girl gasped. She was a bit alarmed when she turned to Alakazam, but the more she stared at the pokémon, the less frightened she became.

    "Alakazam."

    The girl blinked. "I-is that your name?"

    "Alaka," Alakazam nodded.

    The girl smiled. "N-Nice to meet you, Alak-kazam."

    "My name is Lucy," Lucy introduced, bringing attention back to her, "and the man beside me is Ian. He and Alakazam found you when you were sick and brought you here to take care of you."

    The girl looked at them warily. Lucy her a smile, but Ian only stared at her.

    "N-Nice to meet you both," the girl muttered awkwardly. "I w-wish I could tell you my name, but…"

    "Violet."

    The girl turned to Ian. "W-what?"

    "Your eyes are violet," Ian told her. "Names define who you are, so if you were to name yourself, you should name yourself something unique, like your eye color."

    The girl looked down. Then she looked at Ian with a gaze that broke his blank exterior.

    "What do my eyes look like?"

    "Oh."

    Lucy took out her phone and turned on the frontal camera. When she gave it to the girl, the girl noticed many things. Her hair was disheveled, her skin was dirty, and she was covered with wires and patches. But then she looked at her eyes, and she saw her irises shining vibrantly.

    "I like them," the girl commented. "They're pretty."

    "They sure are," Lucy grinned. "So what do you say? Do you want us to call you 'Violet'?"

    The girl nodded. "Yup!" she beamed, surprising the three. "Nice to meet you, everyone. My name is Violet."

    ---

    Ian ran a hand through his hair before glancing at the two figures sitting on his living room couch. The living room, along with the bedrooms and other residential rooms, was located on the western wing of the laboratory. Ian promised himself he would give his guest a proper tour of the facility. He had a feeling she was going to be there for a while.

    "This is so cool," Violet stared at the large rectangular screen attached to the wall. "What's it called again?"

    "Television," Ian answered. Lucy had left to tend to her hospital duties, so it was up to him and Alakazam to keep the girl entertained.

    He adjusted his laptop and continued typing on his keyboard. Technically, Alakazam was doing the entertaining. He was too busy inputting information. The girl, which he named "Violet", had forgotten her past, but remembered how to do basic things such as speaking, eating, and going to the bathroom. She knew nothing about humans or pokémon, but showed no signs of fear or confusion. The girl was quickly recovering from her injuries, as well as showing signs of comfort and content in her environment, but she also displayed signs of trauma. She had trouble going back to sleep, lost focus of her environment from time to time, was easily startled when spoken to, and of course, suffered occasional headaches and chest pains. She would smile and show genuine excitement from time to time, but was overall detached and numb.

    Her amnesia was strange. She was unfamiliar with most, but not all, words and objects, leading Ian to answer questions that were obvious to him, but enlightening to her. He became so exhausted from her questions, he lent her his tablet and taught her how to seek answers from it. She seemed uncomfortable with the device at first, but just like with the TV, eventually grew to like it and learned its mechanics. Ian made sure to note her speed in learning. She was a surprisingly-quick learner.

    Ian watched her listen attentively to a voice narrating a bidoof's life, space out, and listen again. He found it strange that she didn't ask him anything about her past and the friend that died for her. One would think a child with amnesia would have many questions, but Violet was surprisingly uninquistive. It made him wonder if she didn't ask due to her condition, or just didn't want to.

    A sudden ring interrupted his train of thought and caused his wide-eyed guest to jump. Ian held out a finger before exiting the room with his phone. Violet was about to ask where he was going, but a hand caused her to stop.

    "Alaka," Alakazam said.

    Violet immediately understood and turned back to the TV.

    ---

    "Professor Quest speaking."

    "Quest," a cold voice responded. "I've been informed that the ruins I've sent you to investigate have been destroyed."

    Ian bit back a hiss. "Yes, sir," he confirmed. "I was there before it was completely obliterated. I barely escaped with my life."

    "Have you acquired information before it was destroyed?"

    Ian fought the urge to grunt. He couldn't provide the girl's existence, but if he didn't provide anything, his job would die like the ruins.

    "I," Ian clenched his fists. "I-I saw writing on the walls. Inscriptions I couldn't understand."

    "Did you take pictures?"

    Ian hit the wall with a fist. Of course he didn't, but he didn't know whether to be grateful or regretful. The inscriptions would ensure his job, but might expose Violet and her complicated story. He knew it was his job to protect the girl then, but if he lost his job, he and the girl were both going to be in trouble.

    "I was a-about to," Ian told him, "but the walls started crumbling, and I had to leave so I wouldn't be destroyed with the temple."

    Werner was silent. Ian was about to ask him what his response was, but a sudden "click" ended the conversation.

    He stared at his phone in horror. A string of negative thoughts passed his mind one by one, then all at once. He would be fired from his job and forced to move back to his region. If he left the girl behind, she would be discovered. If he took her with him, she would still be discovered. It may not have been that hard to find another job with his credentials, but the job was the best he ever had. A little girl he just met shouldn't be worth losing his job; but if the fate of pokémon and humans really fell on her hands, he shouldn't cast her aside.

    Ian's shoulder hit wall. He raked his scalp and groaned loudly to the empty halls.

    ---

    "I'm telling you, Taboden, you're going to love it here in Genesis."

    Taboden kept his arms crossed and his eyes glued to the window. The plane ride from Hoenn was rough from the storm the plane went through, and the jet lag wasn't making the trip any more bearable. But 3044 was over. As much as he wanted to stay in his hometown of Verdanturf, Taboden knew it was his dad's turn to have him for the year. He was going to live with it whether he wanted to or not.

    And he really didn't want to.

    "I've moved to a different street and the house there is grander," his dad continued. "I assure you, you won't be bored one bit!"

    Taboden rolled his eyes and grunted. Leave it to his dad to think a bigger house meant a happier stay. But his dad wasn't the only one who thought that way. Even his mom thought happiness stemmed from fancy living. Only Taboden knew the philosophy wasn't correct. If it was, his parents would still be together.

    "I just have to make a phone call, one moment," his dad said. Taboden rolled his eyes again and stared blankly at the trees outside. The sun was setting though, so he could only see their shadows. It was a good thing their limo was driving smoothly. The roads ahead looked rough. "Professor Quest! How have you been?"

    Said man made a startled noise.

    "It's me, Anthony," Anthony told him. "You seem shaken up there, you alright?"

    "Yes, yes, I'm fine," Quest responded.

    "Excellent!" Anthony cheered. "So will you still be able to make it to tonight's meeting?" The response from the other end was wordless, but there was a lot of shuffling. "You didn't forget, did you?"

    "No, no, sir, I didn't."

    "Great!" Anthony cheered again. "Meet me at the big restaurant in Route 102 tonight at 7. It's the only restaurant there, and it's huge so you won't miss it."

    More pleasantries were exchanged until the conversation finally ended. When Anthony hung up, he huffed in content and looked at his son. He frowned. "Is something bothering you, son?"

    Taboden had dirty blonde hair, which reminded Anthony of himself when he was a kid, but had his mother's jaded eyes, which reminded him they weren't the same person.

    "Nothing," Taboden muttered. Anthony knew he was lying, but sighed and carried on with his affairs.

    ---

    "Alakazam," Ian re-entered the living room. "I gotta go meet Denerro."

    Alakazam looked at him with wide eyes.

    "I know," Ian sighed, "I forgot too."

    "Who's Denerro?" Violet asked, turning away from the television to look at him.

    "It's just someone I have business with," Ian turned away before Violet could ask what a business was. "If you have questions about something, just ask the tablet I gave you. You remember how it works?"

    "Yes."

    "There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry," Ian turned to Alakazam. "Take care of her, alright?"

    "Alaka."

    "Alright, then," Ian ran a hand through his hair. "I'll be back later tonight. Don't leave the building, okay? It's raining outside."

    Violet didn't respond that time. Her eyes were glued to the screen, watching a show that just came on. But Alakazam nodded to him and assured she would watch her. Ian nodded back gratefully and left.

    Violet lifted the tablet and pressed a certain button.

    "What are pokémon battles?"

    ---

    "Hello? Is anybody home?"

    Alakazam and Violet turned around. Alakazam beamed. "Alaka!"

    "Hi, Alakazam!" Lucy entered. "And hello, Violet!"

    Violet blinked at the sight of Lucy, who was wearing a lab coat and a pair of glasses. "Why are you dressed like that?"

    "I'm a doctor, dear, and this is what doctors wear," Lucy smiled and sat beside her. "And what are you two doing up so late? It's almost 12 AM!"

    "I couldn't sleep," Violet answered, tiredness evident in her voice.

    Lucy frowned and put a hand on her forehead. "Have you eaten?"

    "Alakazam gave me soup."

    Lucy's frown deepened. "Where's Ian?" she asked. "Why did he leave you alone?"

    "He said he has business with someone named Denerro."

    Lucy's eyes widened.

    "Why didn't he tell me this?" she dug into her bag. "I could've left the hospital earlier!"

    "It's okay," Violet told her. "Alakazam is watching me."

    Lucy smiled weakly and turned to Alakazam. "Thank you, Alakazam," she turned back to Violet, "but I would appreciate it if I was informed so I can watch you myself. Open your mouth, please," Violet opened her mouth. "Now press this under your tongue."

    When Violet obeyed, Lucy turned back to Alakazam.

    "Please contact me when Ian is gone," she told her. "I'll talk to Ian later."

    Violet coughed out the thermometer. She clutched her chest and wheezed.

    "Violet?" Lucy cried. "Alakazam, get her water!"

    Violet screamed.

    "Violet!"

    Lucy scrambled her bag to find the pills she used the other day. Then she stopped, catching something under Violet's collar.

    "Violet, hold still," she instructed.

    Nothing prepared her for what she saw next.

    ---

    "Alakazam?" Ian called out tiredly. "Alakazam? Violet?"

    He was about to open the door to the living room, but someone beat him to it.

    "Lucy?"

    "Shh," Lucy hushed, "be very quiet."

    Ian blinked as Lucy motioned him inside. Alakazam was sitting on the couch, concern plastered on her face. Ian stiffened and ran to the couch.

    Violet was sweating and shaking. Her body was covered by a thick blanket and her head was held up by a cushion. A moist toilette was placed on her forehead, and a thermometer was placed in her mouth.

    "When I first took her temperature, it was 105 degrees," Lucy whispered. "Her temperature had gone down, but not as much."

    "Is she gonna be okay?" Ian knelt down. "What happened?"

    "I came here before 12 when I felt her forehead growing hot," Lucy told him. "Then she convulsed and started coughing. I know you told me she's been having chest pains, but the one she had was causing her a lot more pain. I was about to get the pain medication, but then I saw this."

    Lucy lifted the blanket off of Violet's chest and folded back the folds she cut into Violet's shirt. Ian was about to ask, but then he saw it. Freshly etched on Violet's skin was a black inscription. Ian widened his eyes when he realized it was similar to the inscriptions at the ruins.

    "When I pulled up her shirt, this was being engraved on her skin," Lucy continued. "It was like something or someone was tattooing it on her chest. Her convulsions didn't stop until the mark was finished."

    Ian clenched his fists.

    "Violet," he glared at the mark. "What is happening to you?"

    ---

    Tears streamed down his eyes. He could only watch as nameless machines demolished what used to be his home. The creatures controlling the contraptions shoved away trees his loved once resided. Sometimes only bodies were cast aside, bloody and lifeless as the ones not too far away. The boy hid in his treehouse as long as he could, but escaped before it too was destroyed.

    An explosion blew him to right. A sharp ring struck his ears, but he became too deaf to hear himself cry. He relied on the machines' tremors to locate the monsters, and he felt them getting close. He wailed for help, but his cries were unheard.

    The tremors became stronger. The boy ran blindly into the haze, leading him to the foot of a hill. He quickly made his way up and told himself not to look back; but his hearing started to return, and the first thing he heard was screams. The roars of machines and collapsing tree barks were louder, however, and they drowned out his loved ones' cries. He only heard his own cries then, and he stopped crying.

    His land, his friends, his family, would be avenged, he vowed to himself. But it wouldn't be an ordinary revenge, it would be a revolution. How many more years did his kind have to put up with having them around? How many more years did his kind have to suffer until they realize they could never live in peace with those monsters? He wasn't going to wait until everyone else was dead to realize the truth. If his kind were to be the ones that stay alive, the other had to die.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 27th September 2015 at 8:09 AM.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Hey everyone!
    I just wanted to let you guys know that all the chapters have been updated.
    Don't worry, no serious changes were made.
    I only corrected the grammar and diction so you guys can have an easier read.

    Thank you guys for reading! I'll post the next chapter next week or so, but until then, have a nice day!

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,811

    Default

    I'm catching up on all the chapters I missed at once, so my reviews are going to be a bit less detailed than usual. Please forgive me.

    July 4 chapter: Interesting one, I think it may be my favorite so far. I say this because the plot feels as if it has advanced more in that one chapter alone than the rest of the story combined. We get to see some intriguing conflict between Ian and Lucy/Ian and Lucario, we get to see Lucario's devotion to the girl, and we finally get to see the first touches of why the girl is so important. That ending was a great twist.

    July 11 chapter: Hmmm, Ian's a bit confrontational for a rescue worker. Although, perhaps this is a good way to diversify what's going on, by not making him a goody two-shoes type. I do like the interactions between Ian and Lucario that I'm seeing. Ian's threat to have scientists experiment on Lucario (that's how interpreted that) is rather intense, perhaps too much so. Didn't expect Matthew to make an appearance; that's certainly not helping the tension.

    July 18 chapter: Lucy's observations on how Ian affects her are an interesting way to open the chapter. They provide her with a good character development moment, and these things could lead to some interesting places. Werner immediately feels menacing to me, especially because of the detail of his eyes being "dead" and "blank." I sense he will be an antagonist in the future? The pressure Werner puts on Ian may explain Ian's aggressive behavior. It looks like Matthew might be an obstacle to the safety of Lucario and the girl, too. The punchline at the end of the Matthew/Lucy scene was a little odd, but I did smile. A twist at the end... now that caught me hard.

    August 2 chapter: That opening is a little strange, but I want to see where it goes. Ian's aggressiveness is really off-putting here; I can kind of understand why he's so upset in this situation, but it's still a bit much, as is the relationship drama when bigger things are going on. Whoa, did Lucario just sacrifice the girl? That was not something I saw coming at all. Alakazam's use of her spoon as a flashlight/torch is clever. Did Lucario somehow turn Alakazam against them? And here comes the explanation. I didn't expect a Pokemon/human war, not at all, even though maybe I should have. The concept of the Nexus and how she can be reborn is clever, I like it. I didn't think Lucario would be killed off this soon.

    August 18 chapter: Ooh, a flashback. This is a good way to show some of what the girl was like. Her child-like wonder gives me a smile, hopefully her new incarnation can still have it. The way she used her powers back then is interesting too.

    The technology was meant for analyzing and studying Pokémon, but recent events have led them to dismiss whatever objections they had on using them on the girl.
    "had led them to dismiss..."

    This sentence started in past tense, so it has to be "had," not "has."

    I like that Alakazam can make tea. Not sure why, I just like it.

    I also like that Lucy is pondering what Lucario's warning means. That shows that these events do not happen in a vacuum.

    Ian raised an eyebrow at this. He did remember seeing the girl with violet eyes, but didn’t think much of it until now. It’s very rare for someone to have violet eyes, human or Pokémon.
    Another tense problem. "Violent eyes were very rare to have, whether for human or Pokemon."

    With technology alone, it’s almost impossible to know more about the girl until she wakes up. With Lucario no longer around, no one can stop them from knowing who she really was.
    Same thing here. You're writing in past tense, so you need to stick to it.

    Ian tapped certain icons on the machine’s screen to save their newly-found data. “Lucy, what’s the today's date?”
    No need for "the" before "today."

    There's one thing that sticks me about memory loss like this. She only forgot her own past? Clearly she still remembers things like how to speak, as she's completely fluent immediately.

    When she gave it to the girl, the girl looked into it and noticed many things. Her short black hair is disheveled, her skin was dirty, and she was covered with wires and patches. But then she looked at her eyes and saw that despite how watery her eyes were, the violet irises shone vibrantly.
    Another place where the tense slips.

    And with that, I'm all caught up. I admit, I do still have some concerns that may or may not come true, but overall, I'm enjoying it. The plot has me drawn in, and the characters are gradually improving. I'm interested to see where everything goes. Just make some effort to polish everything up with the tenses.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 19: The Weight of the World (Part 1)
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 2)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Thanks to The Great Butler for his input!
    I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far and appreciate you taking the time to catch up

    I just updated Chapter 08!
    I also want to thank you for pointing out my mistakes. Sometimes I get so tired during the day that I overlook my mistakes.
    The next chapter will be up soon.
    Until then, have a good day!

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    “Lucario! Lucario! Come here! Come here!”

    “Milady, what is the matter?” Lucario asked as he ran to the lake. The lake was a large, hidden body of water surrounded by thick trees and bushes. The skies were swirling with colors of orange, pink, and blue, signaling the approaching sunset.

    “Look what I can do!” the girl grinned as she raised her arms. At the motion, bubbles started emerging from the lake and floated all around them. Lucario watched in awe as the bubbles reflected the sunset lights. The girl noticed his approval and grinned wider. “You like it? I’ve been working on it for weeks!”

    “This is impressive, milady,” Lucario admitted, “but did you make sure you weren’t seen?”

    The girl pouted. “Yeah, I made sure no one was around,” she assured. “I also wanted to surprise you!”

    Lucario smiled. “Well I’m glad,” he said, “and very proud.”

    “Just wait and see, Lucario!” the girl winked. “Soon, I’m gonna master all the Pokémon moves in the world, and we’ll be unstoppable! We wouldn’t need to worry about being safe anymore!”

    Lucario frowned at this. “Milady…”

    The girl pouted and stomped in front of him. “I’m tired of being hidden and protected all the time!” the girl stated. “I don’t want to be that fragile thing everyone is always looking out for. If I really am that special, I should learn to defend myself too, you know! You can’t protect me from everything.”

    “I can try,” Lucario remarked. “After all, it is my duty to protect you with my life.”

    “But don’t you want to be more than someone’s bodyguard?” the girl asked. “And everyone else too! Don’t you guys want to travel the world and maybe live with humans? Surely you don’t want to be stuck in the forest hiding me and yourselves for the rest of your lives.”

    “We do what we do because it is our duty,” Lucario reminded. “Remember that the world only exists today because we’re doing our job.”

    The girl frowned. “But…there just has to be something…more…”

    Lucario looked at her solemnly and took her hand. “I’m sorry I cannot promise you anything more than this,” Lucario apologized. “As much as I would like to show you the world, leaving the grounds is far too dangerous. You are safer here with me and the rest of the guardians, and the only thing we want more than anything in this world is for you to be safe. I hope you understand.”

    The girl continued to frown but nodded. “Yes,” she muttered. “I understand.”

    Lucario smiled. “Good,” he said. “Do you have any more moves to show me? If not, I can teach you some.”

    The girl’s eyes brightened. “Really?”

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “It is wise to start mastering your powers while you are young.”

    The girl gasped and jumped in the air. “Yes!” she cheered.

    When she did so, a large wave from the lake appeared from behind and hit Lucario with full force. The girl gasped and ran to Lucario, who was groaning on the ground in pain. “Lucario!” she called out as she ran to his side. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! Are you okay?”

    Lucario shifted uncomfortably at his spot and gave her a stiff nod. He may had been hit with powerful attacks before, but the power the girl has was stronger than anything he could compare. “I’m fine, milady,” he assured. “I just never expected you to learn something as simple as Bubble to something as strong as Surf in such a short period of time.”

    The girl giggled and engulfed him into a hug, which Lucario flinched upon contact. “What can I say?” the girl beamed. “I have an awesome teacher.”

    Lucario smiled at this and patted her arm to return her embrace. “Promise me you’ll help me through this, okay?” he heard her request. “I don’t want to go through this alone.”

    Lucario wondered vaguely if she was still talking about the mastery of her powers, but shook his thoughts away. There wasn’t anything in this world he wouldn’t do for her. “I promise.”
    I like this scene-- it's good to get a sense of how Lucario and Violet lived before the events of the story. Good to see her get some character development. And all the visual description makes it interesting. I wonder how learning all the Pokemon attacks will help Violet keep the peace...?

    “You know,” she started. “Today’s medicine has really progressed because of Pokémon. The medicine I gave the girl to get rid of her weaknesses came from the chemicals extracted from Pokémon’s Refreshes and Recovers. The relaxants I used to steady her heart beat are chemicals from moves like Aromatherapy. Many other things that I’ve used on the girl and my patients are made with the generosity of the Pokémon we work with. Why would someone try to end the relationship we have with them?”

    Ian didn’t say anything, but Lucy knew he heard her because he became even more distracted by his thoughts than before. Lucy looked at Alakazam, and she had the same concern in her eyes as she did. She then wondered what it would be like if she and Alakazam faced off against each other, and then cringed at the thoughts. What a horrible fate it would be to fight with such a good friend.
    Good explanation for where the medicine comes from; that clears up some stuff from earlier. I also like how it fits into the themes here about how important Pokemon are to the people of this world. The following scene brings up a good point-- how could the loss of the girl cause people and Pokemon who are already friends to fight? It's an obvious question here, so it's good you pointed it out. I'm curious about the answer.

    When the girl opened her eyes, the three held their breath. Her violet eyes shone weakly but curiously, no traces of anger or fear present. “Where am I?” she asked. “And who are you?”

    Lucy shifted in her spot. “You don’t remember who we are?”

    “No,” the girl shook her head. She then looked down, her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened darkly.

    “What’s the matter?” Lucy asked.

    The girl looked up. “Who am I?” she quietly asked.

    The world stopped all around them. At least, that’s what it felt like. All hope of knowing the identity of the girl vanished. The group stared at her in disbelief, and the girl started to feel uncomfortable.

    Lucy shook her head. “You don’t remember who you are?” she asked her.

    “No,” the girl muttered. “I don’t…I don’t remember anything…”
    That's interesting... Must have something to do with her being reborn.

    The group then gasped when tears started streaming down the girl’s face. The girl didn’t seem to notice this however, as she clutched her chest and stared at the air in pain. Her body shook, and Lucy instinctively placed a hand on her small shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Lucy asked. “Does your chest hurt?”

    The girl gulped as tears continued to stream down her chest. “I-I don’t know,” she stammered. “I just…I just f-feel so empty. A-and my h-heart hurts and I-I don’t know w-why…”

    Ian immediately understood but said nothing. When Lucy looked at him, he only said, “Lucario.”

    This got the girl to look at him. “W-what did you say?” she asked.

    “Your friend died to protect you,” Ian told her. “He’s the reason why you’re here today. You may not remember him, but your heart does. That’s why it’s hurting, because he isn’t here anymore.”
    This is sweet... It feels very much in keeping with the themes of the actual show, which, for me, lends a sense of authenticity to the story.

    Enjoyed this chapter! It's your best so far!
    Last edited by Hakajin; 4th September 2014 at 12:45 AM.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,811

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChewieJ View Post
    Thanks to The Great Butler and Hakajin for reviewing my story. I just realized that this story is pretty popular, despite the lack of reviews, but I'm still happy nevertheless!
    You're quite welcome.

    Ian ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair before glancing at the two figures sitting on the living room’s large beige couch. The living room, along with the bedrooms and other residential rooms, was located on the western wing of the laboratory. Ian promised himself that he would give his new guest a proper tour of the facility. After all, she was going to be here for a while.
    A good, comfortable description to being the chapter. Well done, it's quite vivid.

    “This is so cool,” Violet stared at the moving images on the large rectangular screen attached to the wall. “What’s this called again?”

    “Television,” Ian answered. Lucy had left a while ago to tend to her hospital duties, so it was up to him and Alakazam to keep the girl entertained.
    Now that's actually quite well done. It could be easy for the fact that Violet doesn't know standard luxuries of everyday life to slip your mind, but you remembered that she doesn't know. That's a good attention to detail.

    Ian adjusted his laptop and continued to type on its keyboard. Technically, Alakazam was doing the entertaining. Ian was too busy inputting information on his laptop.

    The girl, which he named “Violet”, had forgotten her past, but remembered how to do basic things such as speaking, eating, and going to the bathroom. She knew nothing about humans or Pokémon, but showed no signs of fear or confusion. The girl was quickly recovering from her injuries, as well as showing signs of comfort and content in her new environment, but she also displayed signs of trauma.

    She had trouble going back to sleep, lost focus on her environment from time to time, was easily startled when spoken to, and of course, suffered the occasional headaches and chest pains. She would smile and show genuine joy and excitement from time to time, but she was overall very detached and numb.
    At first I felt like the description of her behaviors was a bit muddled, as if it couldn't decide which way it wanted to take her. Then I realized, it's accurate to describe how conflicted she is. I'm not sure that's what you were going for, but it's a way that works.

    Ian watched as the girl listened attentively to the voice narrating the life of a Bidoof before spacing out and then listening again. The girl may be coping, but it seemed as if her true emotions were just as repressed as her memories. She didn’t ask him anything about her past and the friend that have died for her. Ian wasn’t sure whether the girl was pushing her past aside or pushing her past behind.
    Perhaps she simply isn't aware enough of herself yet to care about her past.

    A sudden ring from his phone interrupted his train of thought and caused his violet-eyed guest to jump on her seat. Ian held out a finger to excuse himself before exiting the room with his phone. Violet was about to ask where he was going, but a hand on her back caused her to look at her seatmate. “Alaka,” Alakazam said. Violet immediately understood and turned back to the TV.
    Careful with the repetition of wording. You used "violet" multiple times here.

    “Professor Quest speaking,” Ian said after answering his phone.

    “Quest,” a deep and cold voice responded. “I’ve been informed that the ruins I’ve sent you to investigate have been destroyed.”

    Ian bit back a hiss and scratched the back of his head. “Yes, sir,” he confirmed. “I was there before it was completely obliterated. I barely escaped with my life.”

    It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. “Have you acquired information from this temple before it was destroyed?” the voice demanded.
    "Did you acquire information from the temple" is a better way to phrase that line.

    Ian fought the urge to grunt as he tried to come up with the words to say. Surely he can't provide the existence of the girl, but if he provided nothing again, his job would die with the ruins. “I,” Ian clenched his fists. “I-I saw writing on the walls. Inscriptions I couldn’t understand.”
    Tensing issues. Most of it is in past tense, such as "fought" and "tried," but then you said "he can't provide" which is a different tense.

    A noise from the other end told Ian that the speaker was satisfied with the answer, but then another question arose. “Did you take pictures of them?”

    Ian hit the wall with a fist. Of course he didn’t, but he didn’t know whether he should be grateful or regretful. The inscriptions would ensure he would keep his job, but they might’ve revealed the existence of Violet and her complicated story. He knew that it was now his job to protect the girl, but if he lost his job as a professor, then he and the girl were both in trouble.

    “I was about to,” Ian said, “but the walls started to obliterate, and I had to leave so I wouldn’t be destroyed with the temple.”

    A dead silence occupied the other end of the line, and Ian became nervous. He was about to ask what the speaker thought of his response, but then a click from his phone ended the conversation. Ian stared at his phone in horror at the realization that his boss had hung up on him.

    A string of negative thoughts passed his mind one by one, and then all at once. He would be fired from his job and then forced to move back to his home region. If he left the girl behind, she would be discovered. If he took the girl with him, she would still be discovered. It may not be that hard to find another job with his credentials, but this was the best job he ever had. A little girl he just met shouldn’t be enough to make him lose his job, but if the fate of Pokémon and humans really fell on her hands, he shouldn’t cast her aside.
    You're doing a very good job keeping up the sense of menace here. I can put myself right in Ian's shoes and feel the pressure he feels.

    Could he not try to smuggle her out by creating a lie about who she is, though? It would be hard, but not necessarily impossible.

    Ian groaned as his body plopped against the hard walls. Violet was his responsibility now, and if his job was to exist at all, he had to make sure she was safe. How he would ensure that, however, he didn’t know.
    I like that you're giving Ian more sympathetic traits such as this.

    “I’m telling you, Taboden, you’re going to love it here in Genesis.”

    Taboden kept his arms crossed and eyes glued to the window. The plane ride from Hoenn was rough from the storm the plane went through to get here, and the jet lag wasn’t making the trip any more bearable. But 3044 was over, and the trip had been postponed enough. As much as he wanted to stay in his hometown of Verdanturf, Taboden knew it was his dad’s turn to have him for the year, and he was going to live with it whether he wanted to or not.
    Maybe something is slipping my mind, but it's that far in the future? I'm not sure if I've heard it before or not.

    Instead of saying "to get here" say the location he got to. That makes the phrasing much clearer.

    And he really didn’t want to.

    “I’ve moved to a different street and the house there is grander. I assure you, you won’t be bored one bit,” his dad informed.

    Taboden only rolled his eyes and grunted. Leave it to his dad to think a bigger house means a happier stay. But honestly, his dad wasn’t the only one that thought this way. Even his mom thought that the fancier stuff you had, the happier you’d be. But Taboden knew first-hand why that philosophy wasn’t correct. If it was, his parents would still be together.

    “I just have to make a phone call, one moment,” his dad said. Taboden rolled his eyes again and stared blankly at the trees outside. The sun was setting though, so he could only see their shadows. “Professor Quest! How have you been?”

    Said man made a startled noise at the other end. “It’s me, Anthony,” Anthony told him. “You seem shaken up there, you alright?”
    Anthony is Taboden's father, correct? I found that a little unclear, you may want to express that a bit more.

    I wonder what kind of character Taboden would be, given his resentment of his father and his father's connection to Ian.

    “Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Quest assured.

    “Excellent!” Anthony cheered. “So will you still be able to make it to tonight’s meeting?” The response from the other end was wordless, but there was a lot of shuffling. “You didn’t forget, did you?”

    “No, no, sir,” Quest said. “I didn’t.”

    “Great!” Anthony cheered again. “Meet me at the big restaurant in Route 102 tonight at 7. It’s the only restaurant there, and it’s huge so you won’t miss it.”
    I guess that forces Ian's hand when it comes to handling Violet for at least the night. He'll need to care for her somehow and still make his meeting.

    When the man on the other end agreed, Anthony said his goodbyes before hanging up the phone. When he looked at his son, he frowned. “Is there anything bothering you, son?”

    Taboden had dirty blonde hair ruffled about on his head, which reminded Anthony of what he looked like when he himself was a kid. But Taboden had his mother’s jaded eyes, which reminded him that they weren’t the same person.

    “Nothing,” Taboden muttered, still avoiding eye contact. Anthony knew he was lying, but only sighed and carried on with his affairs.
    I wonder where this is going...

    “Alakazam,” Ian called out as he re-entered the living room. “I gotta go out to meet with Denerro.” When Alakazam looked at him with wide eyes, Ian sighed. “I know, I forgot too.”

    “Who’s Denerro?” Violet asked, turning away from the television to look at him with curious eyes.

    “It’s just someone I have to do business with,” Ian answered, but turned away before Violet could ask what a business was. “If you have any questions about what something is, just ask the tablet I gave you. You remember how it works, right?”

    “Yes,” Violet nodded.

    “There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry,” Ian turned to Alakazam. “Take care of her, alright?”
    I have a feeling that Ian should be acting a lot more carefully here. Leaving Violet with just Alakazam seems like a mistake.

    I notice his thoughts still tend toward impatience and annoyance. It can get irritating at times ,but overall, that's what Ian's voice as a character is, and you're writing it pretty well.

    “Alaka,” Alakazam nodded.

    “Alright, then,” Ian ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll be back later tonight. Don’t leave the building, okay? It’s raining outside.”
    I notice rain is a consistent visual theme in the story. Maybe it's just because you like rain, but I'm intrigued by what it may mean.

    Violet didn’t respond this time. Her eyes were glued to the screen, watching a show that just came on. But Alakazam nodded to him and assured that she would watch her. Grateful, Ian took this as a chance to finally leave.

    When he did, Violet was mesmerized by the sounds and colors that resonated from the screen. With the combination of great curiosity and excitement, Violet lifted the tablet and pressed a certain button. “What are Pokémon battles?”
    You're really doing a good job capturing Violet's innocence and naivete. I'm charmed by it.

    That said, do I see a possible reason for Violet to leave while Ian is away?

    “Hello? Is anybody home?”

    Alakazam and Violet both turned to the door at the sound of the familiar voice. Alakazam rose from the couch to greet the visitor. “Alaka!”

    “Hi, Alakazam!” Lucy greeted as she entered. “And hello, Violet!”

    Violet blinked at the sight of Lucy, whom was wearing a lab coat and a pair of narrow glasses that made her look older. “Why are you dressed like that?” Violet asked.
    Good to have Lucy back. Her interactions with Violet already seem interesting.

    "who was wearing a lab coat..." sounds better than "whom."

    “I’m a doctor, dear,” Lucy smiled as she sat next to her on the couch. “And what are you two doing up so late? It’s almost 12 AM!”

    “I couldn’t sleep,” Violet answered, tiredness evident in her voice.

    Lucy frowned at this and put a hand on her forehead. “Have you eaten?”

    “Yeah, Alakazam gave me soup,” Violet replied as she relished the softness of her hand.
    Lucy knows what a doctor, sleep and soup are? I think you may want to further clarify the extent of her memory loss or what's been explained to her.

    Lucy’s frown deepened at the heat she felt on her palm. “Where’s Ian?” Lucy asked. “Why did he leave you alone in the house?”

    “He says he had to do business with someone named Denerro,” Violet answered.

    Lucy’s eyes widened at the response, but they quickly narrowed in irritation. “Why didn’t he tell me this?” Lucy growled before digging into her leather bag. “I could’ve left the hospital earlier.”
    I'm guessing there's some history with Anthony. Intriguing...

    “It’s okay,” Violet assured. “Alakazam is doing a great job watching over me.”
    Again, I'm not entirely sure that Violet is coming across as an amnesiac right now. She seems too aware of what she's saying.

    Lucy smiled weakly at this and turned to Alakazam. “Thank you, Alakazam,” she acknowledged before taking out a thermometer, “but I would appreciate it if I was informed of this sooner so I can watch over you myself. Open your mouth please,” Violet opened her mouth. “Now press this under your tongue.”

    When Violet obeyed, Lucy turned to Alakazam. “Please contact me when Ian is gone,” she requested. “I’ll talk to Ian myself later.”

    Both Lucy and Alakazam gasped when Violet violently coughed the thermometer out of her mouth. Violet clutched her chest in agony as she continued to cough and writhe in pain. “Violet!” Lucy cried out as she held the girl in her arms. “Alakazam, get her water!”

    Alakazam nodded and quickly ran out of the room. In her absence, Violet screamed in agony as she tugged her shirt. “Violet!” Lucy cried out again as she scrambled to get the pills in her bag. When she bent down, she caught sight of something black under Violet’s shirt collar. “Violet, hold still,” Lucy instructed before pulling Violet’s shirt off. Nothing prepared her for what she saw next.
    This escalated quickly, to say the least. I wonder what's happening...

    “Alakazam?” Ian called out tiredly as he trudged through the halls. “Alakazam? Violet?” Ian was about to open the door to the living room, but someone beat him to it. “Lucy?”

    “Shh,” Lucy hushed with a finger on her lip. “Be very quiet.”

    Ian blinked as Lucy motioned him inside the room. Alakazam was sitting on the couch, concern plastered on her face. Ian immediately stiffened and ran in front of the couch.

    Lying there was Violet, sweating and shivering at the same time. Her body was covered by a thick blanket and her head was being held up by one of the couch cushions. A moist toilette was placed on her forehead, and a thermometer was placed in her mouth.

    “When I first took her temperature, it was 105 degrees,” Lucy whispered. “Her temperature had gone down, but not that much.”
    "Her temperature has gone down." It's another tensing error.

    I'm guessing the meeting with Anthony wasn't too important after all? This definitely seems more serious.

    “Is she gonna be okay?” Ian knelt beside Violet. “What happened?”

    “I came here before 12 when I felt her forehead growing hot,” Lucy told him. “Then she convulsed and started coughing violently. I know you told me she’s been having regular chest pains, but the one she had was causing her a lot more pain. I was about to get the pain medication, but then I saw this.”
    First off, write out the numbers ("twelve") instead of using digits.

    The first bit of this is strangely worded. I think I get what you're trying to say, but it could be expressed more clearly.

    Lucy lifted the blanket off Violet’s chest and folded back the folds she cut on Violet’s shirt. Ian was about to ask, but then he saw what was beneath the folds.

    Freshly etched on Violet’s skin was a large black inscription, and Ian’s eyes widened when he realized that the mark was similar to the inscriptions he saw at the ruins. “When I pulled up her shirt, this was being engraved on her skin,” Lucy explained. “It was like someone or something invisible was tattooing it on her chest. Her convulsions didn’t stop until the mark was finished.”

    Ian clenched his fists when Violet shivered and groaned. “Violet,” Ian whispered as he glared at the giant mark on her skin. “What is happening to you?”
    Intense and intriguing. I like it.

    Tears streamed down his eyes as he watched his home become demolished by machinery he can’t define. The creatures controlling the contraptions held an indifferent expression as they shoved away trees and his loved ones living inside them. Sometimes there were just bodies being cast aside, bloody and lifeless as the ones a few miles back.
    Another tense error; "can't" should be "couldn't."

    He barely escaped with his life. He didn’t dare attack these monsters, because then they would locate him and annihilate him like they did with his family. So he stayed quiet and hidden as he watched his life become destroyed before his eyes. He contemplated in horror if he would be able to live on his own, and cried harder as the screams of his friends told him he would have to. When he saw one of the contraptions nearing his hiding place, his secret sanctuary, he ran as quickly as he could before it too was demolished.

    Then he saw fire, a lot of it, and he scurried away when an explosion detonated close to his right. A sharp ringing screeched inside his head, and he roared in agony only to realize he couldn’t hear. Only the rumbling of machinery reminded him of his situation, and he dove into the smoke in hopes of retreating into the valley ahead.

    He tried to make out figures within the dark smoke, but it became hard to see anything with tears streaming down his eyes. He wailed loudly in mourning, but his own cries were still unheard. That’s when he remembered the stories he would hear about the same thing happening to his kind somewhere around the world, and how he would dismiss them thinking it would never happen to him.

    He wailed again, but stopped when the rumbling on the ground became stronger. Fear escalated in his system until he finally reached the bottom of the hill. He quickly made his way up to get as far away as possible. He told himself not to look back, but stopped to turn around anyway. Because that’s when his hearing started to return, and he listened as the cries of sorrow and fear escalated before disappearing into silence. Then he could only hear his own cries of sadness and fear before he stopped crying all-together.

    Tears wouldn’t do any good, he told himself. Crying won’t bring them back. So he wiped his tears away and stared at his ruined home in hatred. His land, his friends, his family, will be avenged, he vowed to himself. But it won’t be an ordinary revenge, it will be a revolution. How many years should his kind have to put up with the misery of having them around? How many more years should his kind suffer until they realize they can never find peace with those monsters?

    Only time will tell who was going to survive in this world, but he wasn’t going to wait for his kind to be extinct before they realize the truth. Only one species will survive in this planet, and if he and his kind want to be the ones that survive, they can’t live in harmony anymore.
    Lucario? Another Pokemon whose environment is being taken by humans? This certainly draws in my interest.

    There are more tense errors here, such as "only time will tell who was going to survive." You do need to work on that.

    All in all, not a bad chapter. Quite a few things I'm intrigued by.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 16th September 2014 at 7:58 AM.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 19: The Weight of the World (Part 1)
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 2)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,238

    Default

    The girl, which he named “Violet”, had forgotten her past, but remembered how to do basic things such as speaking, eating, and going to the bathroom. She knew nothing about humans or Pokémon, but showed no signs of fear or confusion. The girl was quickly recovering from her injuries, as well as showing signs of comfort and content in her new environment, but she also displayed signs of trauma.

    She had trouble going back to sleep, lost focus on her environment from time to time, was easily startled when spoken to, and of course, suffered the occasional headaches and chest pains. She would smile and show genuine joy and excitement from time to time, but she was overall very detached and numb.

    Ian watched as the girl listened attentively to the voice narrating the life of a Bidoof before spacing out and then listening again. The girl may be coping, but it seemed as if her true emotions were just as repressed as her memories. She didn’t ask him anything about her past and the friend that have died for her. Ian wasn’t sure whether the girl was pushing her past aside or pushing her past behind.
    I like that you have Violet kind of traumatized. A lot of people would just write her as being cute, which isn't very complex... I also like the way she displays her trauma, how she's ok at times, but is spacey and/or sad at others. It seems like she's having trouble processing everything that's happened to her... Anyway, I think it's pretty realistic.

    “Professor Quest speaking,” Ian said after answering his phone.

    “Quest,” a deep and cold voice responded. “I’ve been informed that the ruins I’ve sent you to investigate have been destroyed.”

    Ian bit back a hiss and scratched the back of his head. “Yes, sir,” he confirmed. “I was there before it was completely obliterated. I barely escaped with my life.”

    It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. “Have you acquired information from this temple before it was destroyed?” the voice demanded.

    Ian fought the urge to grunt as he tried to come up with the words to say. Surely he can't provide the existence of the girl, but if he provided nothing again, his job would die with the ruins. “I,” Ian clenched his fists. “I-I saw writing on the walls. Inscriptions I couldn’t understand.”

    A noise from the other end told Ian that the speaker was satisfied with the answer, but then another question arose. “Did you take pictures of them?”

    Ian hit the wall with a fist. Of course he didn’t, but he didn’t know whether he should be grateful or regretful. The inscriptions would ensure he would keep his job, but they might’ve revealed the existence of Violet and her complicated story. He knew that it was now his job to protect the girl, but if he lost his job as a professor, then he and the girl were both in trouble.

    “I was about to,” Ian said, “but the walls started to obliterate, and I had to leave so I wouldn’t be destroyed with the temple.”

    A dead silence occupied the other end of the line, and Ian became nervous. He was about to ask what the speaker thought of his response, but then a click from his phone ended the conversation. Ian stared at his phone in horror at the realization that his boss had hung up on him.
    God, I love this conversation; there was a dark sense of humor to it. ...It was supposed to be funny, right? The way the boss is so completely unconcerned with Ian's safety? I'd replace this line, though: It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be enough for the speaker on the other end. with something about a pause on the other end. The timing was a little off, and the fact that it wasn't enough for the boss is self-evident.

    “I’m telling you, Taboden, you’re going to love it here in Genesis.”

    Taboden kept his arms crossed and eyes glued to the window. The plane ride from Hoenn was rough from the storm the plane went through to get here, and the jet lag wasn’t making the trip any more bearable. But 3044 was over, and the trip had been postponed enough. As much as he wanted to stay in his hometown of Verdanturf, Taboden knew it was his dad’s turn to have him for the year, and he was going to live with it whether he wanted to or not.

    And he really didn’t want to.

    “I’ve moved to a different street and the house there is grander. I assure you, you won’t be bored one bit,” his dad informed.

    Taboden only rolled his eyes and grunted. Leave it to his dad to think a bigger house means a happier stay. But honestly, his dad wasn’t the only one that thought this way. Even his mom thought that the fancier stuff you had, the happier you’d be. But Taboden knew first-hand why that philosophy wasn’t correct. If it was, his parents would still be together.

    “I just have to make a phone call, one moment,” his dad said. Taboden rolled his eyes again and stared blankly at the trees outside. The sun was setting though, so he could only see their shadows. “Professor Quest! How have you been?”

    Said man made a startled noise at the other end. “It’s me, Anthony,” Anthony told him. “You seem shaken up there, you alright?”

    “Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Quest assured.

    “Excellent!” Anthony cheered. “So will you still be able to make it to tonight’s meeting?” The response from the other end was wordless, but there was a lot of shuffling. “You didn’t forget, did you?”

    “No, no, sir,” Quest said. “I didn’t.”

    “Great!” Anthony cheered again. “Meet me at the big restaurant in Route 102 tonight at 7. It’s the only restaurant there, and it’s huge so you won’t miss it.”

    When the man on the other end agreed, Anthony said his goodbyes before hanging up the phone. When he looked at his son, he frowned. “Is there anything bothering you, son?”

    Taboden had dirty blonde hair ruffled about on his head, which reminded Anthony of what he looked like when he himself was a kid. But Taboden had his mother’s jaded eyes, which reminded him that they weren’t the same person.

    “Nothing,” Taboden muttered, still avoiding eye contact. Anthony knew he was lying, but only sighed and carried on with his affairs.
    Ooh, a new element! I'm interested in Taboden already, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he fits into the plot! I think he'll make a good contrast to the cheerful Violet.

    “Alakazam?” Ian called out tiredly as he trudged through the halls. “Alakazam? Violet?” Ian was about to open the door to the living room, but someone beat him to it. “Lucy?”

    “Shh,” Lucy hushed with a finger on her lip. “Be very quiet.”

    Ian blinked as Lucy motioned him inside the room. Alakazam was sitting on the couch, concern plastered on her face. Ian immediately stiffened and ran in front of the couch.

    Lying there was Violet, sweating and shivering at the same time. Her body was covered by a thick blanket and her head was being held up by one of the couch cushions. A moist toilette was placed on her forehead, and a thermometer was placed in her mouth.

    “When I first took her temperature, it was 105 degrees,” Lucy whispered. “Her temperature had gone down, but not that much.”

    “Is she gonna be okay?” Ian knelt beside Violet. “What happened?”

    “I came here before 12 when I felt her forehead growing hot,” Lucy told him. “Then she convulsed and started coughing violently. I know you told me she’s been having regular chest pains, but the one she had was causing her a lot more pain. I was about to get the pain medication, but then I saw this.”

    Lucy lifted the blanket off Violet’s chest and folded back the folds she cut on Violet’s shirt. Ian was about to ask, but then he saw what was beneath the folds.

    Freshly etched on Violet’s skin was a large black inscription, and Ian’s eyes widened when he realized that the mark was similar to the inscriptions he saw at the ruins. “When I pulled up her shirt, this was being engraved on her skin,” Lucy explained. “It was like someone or something invisible was tattooing it on her chest. Her convulsions didn’t stop until the mark was finished.”

    Ian clenched his fists when Violet shivered and groaned. “Violet,” Ian whispered as he glared at the giant mark on her skin. “What is happening to you?”
    Poor Violet! Interesting, though... I wonder what it means?

    Tears streamed down his eyes as he watched his home become demolished by machinery he can’t define. The creatures controlling the contraptions held an indifferent expression as they shoved away trees and his loved ones living inside them. Sometimes there were just bodies being cast aside, bloody and lifeless as the ones a few miles back.

    He barely escaped with his life. He didn’t dare attack these monsters, because then they would locate him and annihilate him like they did with his family. So he stayed quiet and hidden as he watched his life become destroyed before his eyes. He contemplated in horror if he would be able to live on his own, and cried harder as the screams of his friends told him he would have to. When he saw one of the contraptions nearing his hiding place, his secret sanctuary, he ran as quickly as he could before it too was demolished.

    Then he saw fire, a lot of it, and he scurried away when an explosion detonated close to his right. A sharp ringing screeched inside his head, and he roared in agony only to realize he couldn’t hear. Only the rumbling of machinery reminded him of his situation, and he dove into the smoke in hopes of retreating into the valley ahead.

    He tried to make out figures within the dark smoke, but it became hard to see anything with tears streaming down his eyes. He wailed loudly in mourning, but his own cries were still unheard. That’s when he remembered the stories he would hear about the same thing happening to his kind somewhere around the world, and how he would dismiss them thinking it would never happen to him.

    He wailed again, but stopped when the rumbling on the ground became stronger. Fear escalated in his system until he finally reached the bottom of the hill. He quickly made his way up to get as far away as possible. He told himself not to look back, but stopped to turn around anyway. Because that’s when his hearing started to return, and he listened as the cries of sorrow and fear escalated before disappearing into silence. Then he could only hear his own cries of sadness and fear before he stopped crying all-together.

    Tears wouldn’t do any good, he told himself. Crying won’t bring them back. So he wiped his tears away and stared at his ruined home in hatred. His land, his friends, his family, will be avenged, he vowed to himself. But it won’t be an ordinary revenge, it will be a revolution. How many years should his kind have to put up with the misery of having them around? How many more years should his kind suffer until they realize they can never find peace with those monsters?

    Only time will tell who was going to survive in this world, but he wasn’t going to wait for his kind to be extinct before they realize the truth. Only one species will survive in this planet, and if he and his kind want to be the ones that survive, they can’t live in harmony anymore.
    Great conflict set-up! I really like how this foreshadows things to come.

    Still doing a great job overall, keep it up!
    Last edited by Hakajin; 16th September 2014 at 1:00 AM.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Interlude 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •