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Thread: Unexpected Love (egoshipping/ P.G.13)

  1. #1
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    Default Unexpected Love (egoshipping/ P.G.13)

    Hi everybody, this is my first shipping fics! Hope you like it!

    This is about Misty and Gary's love story. This is P.G.13 so be ready! Also this is Chaptered!
    PM Lists
    shadow shipper
    lilineko
    pika angel
    Hunter RuLe
    (PM Me for the name changes!)
    Unexpected Love

    ~Prologue~

    A delivery man holding a suspicious package, he rang the bell at Professor Oak’s lab. Professor Oak opened the door, “A delivery from Professor Ivy! Sign here please!” the delivery man said with a pleasing smile. “Oh, it came!” Professor Oak said with a surprised look, Professor Oak signed the paper to receive the package, then he said goodbye to the kind delivery man, he then closed the door. Krinnnnnnnngggg(phone ringing), Professor Oak picked up the phone “Hello?” He said, “Hi Professor, it’s me Professor Birch!” the caller is Professor Birch!
    “Oh hi Professor, what do you need?”

    “Can you do me a favor? The package Professor Ivy delivered to you, can I have it? Mine’s lost somewhere, the deliveryman called, he said that a meowth took it from him and ran! So please Professor?”

    “Okay, I’ll ask someone to deliver it, I don’t want a delivery man, this package could get lost, I’ll ask someone trustworthy!”

    “Thanks Professor, you’re a big help! Bye”

    “Bye! Hmmmm, I have to ask somebody to deliver this to Professor Birch, he’ll need this! I can’t contact Brock; Ash is on a journey to Sinnoh, hmmm, oh Misty and Gary! They have nothing to do as of now!”

    Chapter 1: The call from the professor

    Krrrrrrrinnnnnnggggggg(phone ringing) “I’ll get it!” Misty rushed for the phone.
    Misty is the Cerulean City Gym Leader, he traveled with Ash for a long time, but they parted ways when Ash decided to go to Hoenn because no one will take care of the Gym because her sister will travel.

    “Hello, who is this?” Misty answered

    “Hi Misty, it’s me Professor Oak!” Professor Oak replied

    “Oh hi Professor, why did you call, do you need something?” Misty asked

    “I need you to do me a favor”

    “What favor professor?”

    “I need you to deliver a package to Professor Birch, in Hoenn, please?”

    “Sure thing, when?” Misty asked

    “Now, don’t worry, I asked Gary, he said it will be ok, he’ll pick you up about now so bye!” Professor Oak said goodbye

    Misty land the phone while thinking, “Gary, will it be ok (in her mind)?”

    After a couple of minutes the doorbell rang.

    “Wait there” Misty shouted

    “Okay!” the Mystery person replied

    Misty opened the door and saw Gary.
    “Hi Gary, are you ready to go?” Misty asked hesitantly because she isn’t ready…

    “Yeah, are you ready Misty?” Gary replied

    “Um, not yet sorry, wait here in just a minute, please.”

    “Okay, take your time, no need to rush!”

    After a minute, Misty is ready to go.

    “I’m ready! Let’s go!” Misty said cheerfully

    “Okay!” Gary replied happily

    As they walked, Misty didn’t noticed the rock on the way that Gary noticed and skipped, then unfortunately, she tripped! Fortunately, Gary looked back to Misty because he will say something, he saw Misty about to fall!

    “MISTY!!!” Gary shouted

    Gary catches Misty; it almost looks like a hug! Misty looked at Gary’s eyes in a surprised way, Gary too, looked into Misty’s eyes. They both blushed! Is this a start of something new?

    The first chapter is short, but the following ones will be longer, so sorry!

    P.S. 2nd Chapter is under construction, but the title is "Start of Something Unexpected", it will be posted tomorrow!
    Last edited by larvitar005; 22nd April 2007 at 11:37 AM.

    "Go, if you must move on alone...
    I'm going to make it on my own"

    Friend Code: 0301 9679 2916
    Credit to ff-fan.com for the Balthier chibi
    >larvitar005<

  2. #2
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    holy sheite

    a chaptered Egofic

    wow, first shipping fic, let's see how it turned out
    expect me to be for this all they way

    hmmm...seems kind of short :-/ let's go...

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    “Bye! Hmmmm, I have to ask somebody to deliver this to Professor Birch, he’ll need this! I can’t contact Brock; Ash is on a journey to Sinnoh, hmmm, oh Misty and Gary! They have nothing to do as of now!”
    how delightful actually, Misty's the Gymleader, so she does have stuff to do...but who cares EgoShipping

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    because no one will take care of the Gym because her sister will travel.
    sisters...
    and it should be : are traveling

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    “Gary, will it be ok (in her mind)?”
    to express stuff like thoughs and events (phone ringing for example) you should put the part in italic...like :

    "riinnnnnnng, without a warning, the phone started ringing..."

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    “Hi Gary, are you ready to go?” Misty asked hesitantly because she isn’t ready…
    watch out for the tenses xD --> because she wasn't ready

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    The first chapter is short, but the following ones will be longer, so sorry!
    no need to excuse yourself, just put in more description about what the characers are feeling, and it will gain considerable size

    this is looking good ! hope to read more of this soon ^_^
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

  3. #3
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    OMFG XD XD XD

    **GLOMPZ YOU**

    I am sooooo happy and excited for this fic! Especially when Shadow told me there was an Ego-fic on the thread ^___^ It's just sooo nice to be able to read someone's story.

    So it's ya first fic eh? Well I know the feeling of starting a first fic, hell I'm still continuing/writing my first fic as of since last year (it's my AU Ego-fic, link for it, is below if your interested ;p) I pretty much got lucky and had lots of people helping me out on my story too, as for example Shadow's one of them ^^ **looks up above and waves to Shadow**

    Don't take Shadow's words as a bad thing, he likes to help/look out for others, so if he sounds a bit mean (lol, yeah I said Shadow, if you're reading this ^^) He doesn't mean it in a mean way. He's one of the best grammar corrector ^ ^ b ...But if you ever need or want ideas for plot flow, you can count on me on that and you can always give me PM or something ^^

    Heehee, you don't need to apologize for the short-ness or whatever, it's all good! Because you started an Ego-fic ^ ,^b ... Oh an update tomorrow eh? Nice, a quick update ^__^b Hell, I haven't gotten a chance to update my Ego-fic, "Destiny, Eh?" one yet on this thread, haha XD Oh and if you are interested I have a few of complete oneshots on here too or on my ff,net account ^^

    Well I think that's about it and it's really nice to know you're into Egoshipping too ^_ ~b You should stop by and join the Ego Thread or something, that's if you want too ^^! It's just more the merrier with a bunch Egoshippers that you'll either love or hate, lol XD Until than ta-ta for noooooow!



    =^-^=
    My lil' deviantART page of RANDOM and Egoshipping drawings http://lilineko.deviantart.com/
    My ongoing AU Ego-fic - 'I Want You To Want Me'http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2825195/1/


  4. #4
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    I have nothing to say....

    This is so.O ... Unexpected! haha

    I say Good chapter! uhm... 8.5/10

    some Grammar stuff...and...hmmm...some stuff

    Well i wish you luck on this LOVELY fic...

    Pokeshippers...don't get mad at him...even tho he likes Egoshipping much better!

    Well more luck to you...POWER TO EGOSHIPPING!!!

    //:Sparkie Electrii & ChuChu
    s a y o n a r a
    29/10/2013

  5. #5
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    Default Chapter 2: The start of something Unexpected

    Thanks for the help! I'll keep that in mind! Don't worry about the corrections that shadow shipper said! I like helps, it's better that way because I will know what mistakes I've made, I didn't take it as a destructive critiscm, I took as a constructive one!

    Here's the new chapter!

    Legend:
    Blue- In Misty's mind
    Green- In Gary's Mind

    Hope you like this new addition!


    Chapter 2: Start of Something Unexpected
    “I’m sorry Gary!” Misty said while regaining her poise

    “It’s okay!” Gary said while blushing

    They continued to walk but Gary looked bothered.

    “What’s this feeling, I’ve never felt it before, it started while I looked into her eyes when I caught her!” Gary said in his mind

    Meanwhile, Misty is also bothered.

    “This feeling, I’ve never felt it before, why did I felt it when I looked into his eyes?” Misty was talking in her mind

    The mood was dead as they walked. It started to get dark, so they set up the camp.

    “Gary, you sleep there, I’ll sleep here, is that okay?” Misty asked

    “Sure, as long as you sleep well, I’ll be fine!” Gary replied but it seemed the words should’ve stayed in his mind! Misty blushed!

    “Oh, no what have I said, it should stayed in my mind! Oh well, I hope she didn’t noticed” Gary wondered in his mind

    So they lied down to sleep, but Misty is wide awake, thinking of something.

    “The feeling earlier, it’s like my heart was pounding hard! I think I have a crush with Gary! AHHHH, Misty stop thinking about it, think about something else!” While Misty is arguing with her mind, Gary was wide awake too, thinking about the same thing!

    “This feeling, is this what they call love? I think I have a crush on her…” Gary said in his mind

    Many hours later, while the two was asleep, someone screamed, so they woke up!

    “HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!” Someone shouted

    They both stand up and ran where the shout came from! They saw a Gengar attacking a boy!

    “Go Electivire! Use Thundershock!” Gary ordered

    “Electivire” Electivire shouted, it then use Thundershock to attack Gengar!

    The Gengar fled!

    “Hey, are you alright?” Misty asked the boy with worry

    “Yes, I’m alright, the Gengar attacked me but not that seriously…” the boy replied

    “I made it fled, so it should be fine now!” Gary said

    “Thank you! I’ll be fine, my house is just near, would you like to come?” the boy asked the two

    “Wait a minute, what are you doing outside late at night?” Misty asked
    “Yeah, what are you doing?” Gary asked

    “Oh, I’m studying nocturnal pokemons, it’s for our project!” the boy answered

    “You came outside for your project!? Is it dangerous outside late at night?” Gary asked

    “Oh, not really, this area is home of tamed pokemons, that Gengar was an outsider so it attacked me. So let’s go to our house, it’s late, we have guest beds in there, why not sleep there?”

    “Thank you, but we have sleeping bags, we should be fine outside! Right Gary?”

    “Yes, but we have to accompany you home first! So where’s your home?”

    “There, near the lake!” The boy pointed a house near the lake, so they went there.

    “I’m fine here, so bye!” The boy said goodbye then he rang the bell, Misty and Gary saw a lady, she then let the boy come in, the two went back.

    When there near the sleeping bags, Misty dropped something, both hands from the two tried to pick it up; instead they ended holding each others hands! They looked again at each other and they blushed! Misty quickly picked the item; Gary quickly stood up and waited Misty to walk away. Misty quickly walked away blushing then proceeded to her sleeping bag, still blushing! Gary proceeded to his sleeping bag, like Misty, he is still blushing! They tried to go to sleep, but their hearts keep on pounding!

    “I can’t sleep, it’s this feeling again! Like earlier, am I falling in love with him?” Misty asked herself in her mind

    “This feeling again, why am I blushing when I look at her?” Gary is also asking himself

    As the sun rises, Misty and Gary woke up.

    “Good morning Gary! What a nice they it is!”

    “Yes, it’s a nice they! I hope it’s like this everyday!” As Gary said that, Misty was looking at her, blushing!

    “Gary is so handsome; it’s the first time I looked at him this way!” Misty said in her mind, “Hey Gary, I’ll fix our breakfast so wait there!” Misty said cheerfully, Gary noticed it and blushed!

    “Why am I blushing?” Gary asked himself, “No, I should help!”

    “No need, just relax, I’m fixing you something good!”

    “I wouldn’t allow a girl to work for me! Let me help please!”

    “Okay if you insist, jut chop this lettuce for our sandwich, here’s the knife!” Misty pulled out a bendable knife from her bag and gave to Gary, they started working. After 3 minutes, the food was ready!

    “Gary here’s yours! Hope you like it!”

    “Thanks! We should go after we eat. Bye the end of the day, we will be at Pallet Town!” Gary said

    “Okay, but…” Misty didn’t finished her sentence

    “What is it Misty?” Gary asked softly

    “Where going into the cave, there are bug pokemons there, I’m scared of them!” Misty said

    “Don’t worry! I’ll protect you!” Gary said, he then continues eating. He didn’t notice Misty’s face turned red!

    “It’s this feeling again! Am I really in love with him?” Misty asked in her mind

    They continued eating, after that, they packed there things and head to the cave! Misty is trembling!

    “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you promise!” Gary said and touched Misty’s hand; they went into the cave together while holding hands! Then Misty screamed! What is that scream about? Find out in the next chapter!

    The next chapter will be posted tomorrow! Wait till then!

    Edit: Thanks for the review, pika angel, I feel sleepy and can't concentrate while typing, I changed th wrong one's! Sorry!
    Last edited by larvitar005; 21st April 2007 at 3:26 PM.

    "Go, if you must move on alone...
    I'm going to make it on my own"

    Friend Code: 0301 9679 2916
    Credit to ff-fan.com for the Balthier chibi
    >larvitar005<

  6. #6
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    The mood is dead as they walked. It started to get dark, so they set up the camp
    the mood WAS dead

    They both stand up and ran where the shout is coming from! They saw a Gengar attacking a boy!
    again was.. or came

    “Oh, I’m studying night time pokemons, it’s for our project!” the boy answered
    i think pokemon are already plural

    "Oh, I’m studying night time pokemons, it’s for our project!” the boy answered
    Nocturnal

    “Oh, no what have I said, it should stayed in my mind! Oh well, I hope she didn’t noticed” Gary wondered in his mind
    i think that should be in green

    “Gary is so handsome; it’s the first time I looked at her this way!”
    Gary is handsome but ... he is a she?!

    you could work on your grammar...

    8/10

    //:Sparkie Electrii & ChuChu


    s a y o n a r a
    29/10/2013

  7. #7
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    yo ! new chapter ^_^

    ok, for administrative reasons (as not to fill our PM boxes ^_^) you don't need to send me a PM when a chapter comes out...whenever I come here (which is quite often) I see when an update is up...

    for the review...

    I'm not going to post any grammar/ spelling mistakes, since pika_angel quite spotted them.

    just going to say, that if you use color to mark it as a thought in the character's head (which iskind of a bad choice...you should use italics as I said...) : You don't need to write down "In his/her mind" Each time you use the colors !!!

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    When there near the sleeping bags, Misty dropped something, both hands from the two tried to pick it up; instead they ended holding each others hands! They looked again at each other and they blushed! Misty quickly picked the item; Gary quickly stood up and waited Misty to walk away. Misty quickly walked away blushing then proceeded to her sleeping bag, still blushing! Gary proceeded to his sleeping bag, like Misty, he is still blushing! They tried to go to sleep, but their hearts keep on pounding!
    this is the only "sweet" moment...moment that makes you want to read more of it...

    chracaters sound a bit...OOC :-/

    you'll need to improve some bit, in content and writing...

    don't be discouraged ! I'll still be reading this
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

  8. #8
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    Yeey for a new egoshipping fic! Not to bad for a first try, but try to give a little more description so you don't rush though the story. That way chapter will become longer too. The way the journey started was a little sudden but I'm sure the story will get better, and we'll be there to support you. More emotion and shippy moments will come, so good luck with the fanfic!

    Misty is the Cerulean City Gym Leader, he traveled with Ash for a long time,
    I know Misty can be a little tomboyish, but she is a girl, trust me
    Bring Back The Golden Age


  9. #9
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    Default Chapter 3: Am I Really Falling in Love?

    This is my newest installment! I'll make chapters and post them every week so every week we have one chapter! Enjoy!

    P.S. If you’re wondering why these three chapters are short, it's because these is the true Prologue of their love story!

    Legends:
    Blue italic- In Misty's mind
    Green italic- In Gary's mind

    Chapter 3: Am I Really falling in love?

    “AAAAAHHHHHH! A Paras! I hate bugs!” Misty screamed loudly! As she screamed, she ran to Gary, and she hugged him!


    “Umm, Misty, it’s just a rock! So don’t freak out!” Gary said blushing

    Misty turned around, and saw the Paras looking rock!

    “Sorry, I just hate bugs (still hugging Gray)!” As Misty said that, she realized that she’s still hugging Gary!

    “Oh, so sorry (she let’s go of him)!” Misty apologized while her face’s red

    “It’s okay! So let’s go!” Gary said, but deep inside, he’s wondering, “Did she just hug me? This feeling again!”
    As they moved closer to the end, a real Paras appeared!

    “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! A REAL PARAS!!!” Misty hugged Gary, the force was to heavy for Gary to bear! They both fell down! Misty accidentally kissed Gary! They’re both shocked! The Paras quickly fled because of the ruckus.

    Misty quickly stood up, Gary too!

    “Gary, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to ki…” Misty didn’t finish her sentence because many Zubats came towards them! They both ran outside the cave and they ducked! As soon as the last Zubat came out, they both stood up.

    “Gary, sorry, I didn’t mean to kiss you, really!” Misty apologize, but deep in her mind it’s different, “OMG, I just kissed Gary! I feel sorry but at the same time, I enjoyed it! I’m kind of glad that the Paras scared me!”

    “It’s okay Misty, I know you didn’t mean to!” Gary said, but just like Misty, he was thinking something else! “I just kissed Misty on the lips! I guess, we should start dating after this, but I hope she will not find out that I'm falling in love with her until the favor is finished!"

    They walked to Pewter City; they looked for a restaurant because it’s lunchtime. They spotted a decent looking one and decided to eat there.

    “Hi, welcome to the Wayson’s Restaurant, how many persons?” The waitress said

    “Just the two of us.” Gary said

    “Follow me please”

    The waitress accompanies the two to the table near the window. They sat down and ordered something.

    “Mine would be Salad, I’ll just drink water.” Gary said

    “Mine would be the same too, water for me too, please and thank you!” Misty said

    “Okay, just wait here for 5 minutes; your orders will be done!” The waitress said

    While waiting, the two are chatting about something.

    “Gary, about our kiss in the cave…” Misty said softly

    “Don’t worry, I understand it, you didn’t mean too!” Gary replied

    They continued chatting, after 5 minutes, the waitress came back.

    “Here’s your order, two salads for the sweet couple!” the waitress said

    “Where not a couple!” the two said in unison

    “But you two look like a couple! You two look good together!”

    “We’re just traveling together, that’s all!” Misty said

    They both finished eating and continued their journey to Pallet Town. A trainer blocks their way, “Want to battle?” the trainer said

    “No, we’re in a hurry! Maybe next time, we’ll battle you!” Gary said

    “Hurry to where, your honeymoon, hahaha!” the trainer joked

    “Let’s just go Misty; we have no time for this joker!” Gary said

    “What joker, oh, you just angered me, GO MACHAMP!” the trainer released a skinny Machamp, “CHAMP!” it said

    “Go Corsola, use Spike Cannon!” Misty ordered, “CORSOLA!”, it attacked the Machamp with a powerful Spike Cannon!

    “Dodge it Machamp!” the trainer ordered but it’s too late, Machamp is seriously taking damage!

    “Corsola, use Rapid Spin!” Misty shouted, Corsola started spinning then it hit Machamp! Machamp fainted!

    “Return!” the trainer returned Machamp to the ball

    “You did great Misty!” Gary complimented!

    “Thanks!”

    “GRRR, you cheated!” the trainer complained

    “I cheated, no way; your Machamp is weak, look at it, its skinny!” Misty yelled

    “She’s right, your Machamp is underweight, it should weigh more than that!” Gary said

    “Oh, yeah, sniff, MOMMY!!!” the trainer ran away yelling Mommy

    “Let’s go Misty, we shouldn’t waste our time!” Gary said and deep inside his mind, he was admiring her, “She’s good in battling, just my kind of girl I’ve been looking for!”
    “Your right, let’s go!” Misty said but she was thinking something else, "Wow, Gary complemted me! This is the first time he complemented me about my match!"
    They arrived at Viridian City. They saw people huddling together, so they went near to check it.

    “Hey, what’s going on?” Misty and Gary asked

    “A man saw huge numbers of Team Rocket, trying to control pokemons with their devices! But one manged to escape, a Rhydon but instead of running away, it went to Pallet Town rampaging!” the person said

    “Pallet Town! Oh no! Misty we have to go there!” Gary said worrying

    “Let’s go!” Misty said and they both rushed to Pallet Town.

    As soon as they arrived there panting, they saw the townspeople out of harms way. Then infront of the crowd, they saw Professor Oak!

    “Hey Professor, where’s the rampaging Rhydon?” Gary asked while panting

    “It’s near the houses, it’s still rampaging! I’ve called the police and they said that they will come here as soon as possible! I evacuated the townspeople, but the police aren’t here! So please help!” Professor Oak

    “Okay don’t worry! Misty, stay here! Help those who might be injured! I’ll try to stop it!” Gary said, and then he rushed to the rampaging Ryhdon.

    +-----Misty’s part of the story-----+

    “Is anybody injured?” Misty asked

    “We’re fine! Thanks for asking!” one of the townspeople said

    “Okay, that’s good that nobody was hurt, we’ll just stay here while Gary fixes the problem!” Misty said but deep in her mind, she’s bothered, “I hope that Gary will be safe, I like him very much and I can’t let him be injured, I’ll go there!” Misty said worrying in her mind, and then she rushed to Gary! But Ash’s mom, Mrs. Delia stopped her, so Misty stopped in her tracks!

    “Wait, Misty, its dangerous!” Mrs. Delia said trying to stop her

    “I’ll be fine Mrs. Delia! I’m going to help Gary! He might be injured!”Misty said and then she continued to rush

    +------Gary’s part of the story-----+

    Gary rushed to the scene where the Rhydon rampaged!

    “Where is it? I have to stop it from further destroying the whole town!” Gary said while running to search for the Rhydon. He spotted it wrecking a house not afar from where he’ standing!

    “Hey stop it! You’re destroying the village!” Gary shouted at the Rhydon

    “RHYDON!!” the Rhydon roared, and then it attacked, Gary fortunately dodged it!

    “Go, Blastoise, use Hydro Pump!” Gary released his Blastoise, as soon it was released, it used Hydro Pump! The Rhydon was hit but just a little, it then counterattacked using tackle! Blastoise fainted because of the powerful tackle!

    “Return Blastoise!” Gary returned Blastoise, “That powerful Tackle knocked my Blastoise out! This Rhydon is too powerful!” While Gary was talking to himself, he didn’t notice that Misty is running towards him! The Rhydon saw her and prepared a Hyper Beam! Gary noticed that the Rhydon is preparing Hyper Beam, he looked where the Rhydon is aiming, and he saw Misty!

    “MISTY!!!!” Gary shouted, but it was too late! The Hyper Beam was launched, Misty froze, she saw the Hyper Beam rushing towards her! Gary ran to save her! Will he be able to save her, find out in the next chapter!

    I'll post the next chpater next week, so wait till then!

    edit: So sory pika angel, what I just posted earlier is my original story! Here, I'll post the revised story! Nothing's touched except on the thing you said! Hck, I didn't even noticed the difference it! Thanks for noticing!
    shadow shipper, I'll promise that I'll improve on the story more, thanks!
    Last edited by larvitar005; 22nd April 2007 at 2:18 PM.

    "Go, if you must move on alone...
    I'm going to make it on my own"

    Friend Code: 0301 9679 2916
    Credit to ff-fan.com for the Balthier chibi
    >larvitar005<

  10. #10
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    “Oh, so sorry (she let’s go of him)!” Misty apologize while her face’s red
    apologized

    “Where not couples!”
    you mean 'a couple'

    “But you two look like couples! You two look good together!”
    again 'a couple'

    They both finished eating and continued their journey to Pallet Town. A trainer blocks their way, “Want a battle?” the trainer said
    do you mean 'want to battle?'

    “What joker, oh, you just angered me, GO MACHAMP!” the trainer released a skinny Machamp, “CHAMP!” it said
    do you mean 'you made me angry' ...

    “You did great Misty!” Gary complimented!

    “Thanks!”


    “GRRR, you cheated!” the trainer complained

    “I cheated, no way; your Machamp is weak, look at it, its skinny!” Misty yelled

    “She’s right, your Machamp is underweight, it should weigh more than that!” Gary said

    “Oh, yeah, sniff, MOMMY!!!” the trainer ran away yelling Mommy

    “Let’s go Misty, we shouldn’t waste our time!” Gary said and deep inside his mind, he was admiring her, “She’s good in battling, just my kind of girl I’ve been looking for!”
    “Your right, let’s go!” Misty said but she was thinking something else, "Gary didn't even complimented me, oh well, maybe he doesn't like me at all..."
    is Misty deaf or something?

    “A man saw huge numbers of Team Rocket, trying to control pokemons with their devices! But one manged to escape, a Rhydon but instead of running away, it went to Pallet Town rampaging!” the person said
    you really don't learn do you? Pokemon is plural as it is.

    “I hope that Gary will be safe, I like him very much and I can’t let him be injured, I’ll go there!” Misty said worrying in her mind
    i think this should be in blue.

    ---

    well i think those are all the grammar corrections...

    have you visited the Ego thread?

    and imma gonna give yah 9/10 better...much better...

    : Pika!

    yahp ChuChu! High five!

    *Sparkie high fives ChuChu*

    //:Sparkie Electrii & ChuChu
    s a y o n a r a
    29/10/2013

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by pika_angel View Post
    is Misty deaf or something?

    Thanks for the review, about Misty is deaf, look what Gary said, especially the green italic one, maybe you'll understand it!

    The word Pokemon is just like the word fish(I think)! You can leave it as it is because it's already plural but you can add s in the end too! In the anime, you can hear them say Pokemons...

    "Go, if you must move on alone...
    I'm going to make it on my own"

    Friend Code: 0301 9679 2916
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    Okei you got on me on the 'Pokemon is like Fish' or something but....

    about the deaf part....i can find the Green italic part...could you maybe Quote it for me...tnx

    //:Sparkie Electrii & ChuChu
    s a y o n a r a
    29/10/2013

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    Quote Originally Posted by pika_angel View Post
    Okei you got on me on the 'Pokemon is like Fish' or something but....

    about the deaf part....i can find the Green italic part...could you maybe Quote it for me...tnx

    //:Sparkie Electrii & ChuChu
    Here: “She’s good in battling, just my kind of girl I’ve been looking for!”, Gary is talking in his mind, so, Misty cannot hear it...
    Last edited by larvitar005; 22nd April 2007 at 12:03 PM.

    "Go, if you must move on alone...
    I'm going to make it on my own"

    Friend Code: 0301 9679 2916
    Credit to ff-fan.com for the Balthier chibi
    >larvitar005<

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    better...yet still this is poorly written at some parts :-/ even very poorly, for example :

    Quote Originally Posted by larvitar005 View Post
    “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! A REAL PARAS!!!” Misty hugged Gary, the force was to heavy for Gary to bear! They both fell down! Misty accidentally kissed Gary! They’re both shocked! The Paras quickly fled because of the ruckus.

    Misty quickly stood up, Gary too!

    “Gary, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to ki…” Misty didn’t finish her sentence because many Zubats came towards them! They both ran outside the cave and they ducked! As soon as the last Zubat came out, they both stood up.

    “Gary, sorry, I didn’t mean to kiss you, really!” Misty apologize, but deep in her mind it’s different, “OMG, I just kissed Gary! I feel sorry but at the same time, I enjoyed it! I’m kind of glad that the Paras scared me!”
    The numerous exclamation points, plus the "oh my God" written in abreviation really kills it...

    and the style is...meh...

    still needs improving...
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

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    hehe...

    i think you got me wrong...

    i was refering to the '“You did great Misty!” Gary complimented!' part...

    “You did great Misty!” Gary complimented!

    “Thanks!”

    “GRRR, you cheated!” the trainer complained

    “I cheated, no way; your Machamp is weak, look at it, its skinny!” Misty yelled

    “She’s right, your Machamp is underweight, it should weigh more than that!” Gary said

    “Oh, yeah, sniff, MOMMY!!!” the trainer ran away yelling Mommy

    “Let’s go Misty, we shouldn’t waste our time!” Gary said and deep inside his mind, he was admiring her, “She’s good in battling, just my kind of girl I’ve been looking for!”
    “Your right, let’s go!” Misty said but she was thinking something else, "Gary didn't even complimented me, oh well, maybe he doesn't like me at all..."
    she even said thanks? hello??
    s a y o n a r a
    29/10/2013

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    Heeey ^__^ Well just dropping a quick line, since Pika and Shadow are doing what they're good at, correcting ^^ I'll do what I'm good at, read the chapters and review XD

    It had it's moments here and there for both last chapters, some parts where cute and sweet at the same time. As I have to say the 'OMG' cracked me up but at the same time, it made Misty sound, kinda like a dizty valley girl, ya know? So spelling it out would sound a lot better ^__^

    Well I guess I'll just catch you next week or so. Ta-Ta for noooooow~



    =^-^=
    My lil' deviantART page of RANDOM and Egoshipping drawings http://lilineko.deviantart.com/
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    They are soooo right about the corrections. You know, if you want, you should take off the color-thingies. IMHO it's weird. No kidding. Because you already put 'Gary shouted' or something like that. But it's all right if you don't wanna take it off.



    renami ++ says:
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    This is a pretty good Story. I've read the various chapters and they are all good. Though the grammer does still need work, your working on it very well. Big improvement from Chapter 1.

    I can't really state corrections because pika_angel is right on the ball with that. Keep it up, I'm quite looking forward to the next Chapter!

    ~ Team Mystia ~

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