Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Never Leaving You Again - AAMRN Novel

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    4

    Default Never Leaving You Again - AAMRN Novel

    Hey everyone ! Come and read my first ever fanfic, Never Leaving You Again.

    Note : My rating will be depending on each Chapter.

    Chapter 1 - G
    Chapter 2 - PG-13
    Last edited by marcbueno123; 23rd April 2007 at 10:20 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Chapter 1 - Tragedy of Love

    Note : I don’t own Pokemon or any other things related to it, got it ?

    Ages :
    Dawn – 10
    Ash – 18
    Brock – 24

    Chaper 1 : The Tragedy of Love

    “ Ash, I’ll never leave you as long as I live. Promise me too that you’ll never leave me. ”

    As Ash, Pikachu, Dawn and Brock were walking through the Eterna Forest, Ash thought of this promise. It made him utterly mad just thinking of those words.

    “ Why did she have to leave me? ”, Ash thought of it in his head. Through the many journeys he had, Misty stayed the longest. Through KANTO, The Orange Island and JOHTO, Misty was the one who helped him. He missed her so dearly, yet, he felt that name was the one causing his headache.

    Dawn wondered what he was thinking about. “ Hey Ash! Snap out of it ! ”, Dawn said while waving her hand in front of his face. Ash snapped out his brain thinking. “ Oh, sorry. ”, Ash replied sadly.

    After through 4 more hours of walking, it was beginning to get dark as the sun is starting to set down between the two mountains in sight. “ Guys, we have to set camp. By tomorrow we could get to the next gym, the Eterna Gym . ”, Brock told them.

    They set camp at a spot clear of trees in the forest. After finishing setting up their tents, they ate Brock’s special rice balls. Soon afterward, Dawn was sleepy and went to her tent as she was also preparing for the Pokemon Contest in Eterna City. She waved goodnight. Pikachu was also sleepy by now and told Ash, “ Pikapi! ( Goodnight, Ash! ) ”, and went inside their tent, ready to snuggle up. By that time, Ash and Brock were the only ones left outside.

    Ash felt miserable again as he was thinking of Misty again. Brock noticed this and guessed the problem. “ Let me guess, you’re thinking of Misty again? ”, Brock told Ash. Ash just nodded to Brock. Ash happened to be thinking about the tragedy that came between Ash and Misty.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ash finally arrived in Cerulean City after 3 days of walking and sleeping on the road. He had a surprise for Misty that would change her life : a wedding. He knew this would be the right time for him to say his feelings. He also knew that since that Misty had a crush on him too, why not try it?

    When Ash finally arrived in Cerulean City, he left his Pokemon in the Pokemon Center ( except for Pikachu, who was with him ) and went straight to the Cerulean Gym.

    When he entered through the doors and went to the indoor pool, he got the biggest shock of his life : Gary proposed to Misty and heard those painful, big words, “ YES, I DO ! ”. Ash saw this and shouted to Misty, “ I hate you ! ”. When she heard these words, she quickly turned to Ash and saw him drop something on the floor. She noticed that there was a box, flowers and chocolates. She stood up from where she was and went to pick up the gifts. She read the inscription on the box. It said, “ To my one and only love, Misty ”. When she looked inside the box, she saw the only finest ring with pure gold and a diamond, which can cost thousands !
    But when she tried to speak, he wasn’t even there.

    She knew that she broke his heart.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Suddeny, Ash heard a familiar voice. It said, “ Hey, Ash ? ”

    END OF CHAPTER 1



    Last edited by marcbueno123; 23rd April 2007 at 10:19 AM.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    watching all of you
    Posts
    182

    Default

    intersting but its kinda short dont you think? and it probably could use more description. besides that its good

    under construction

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    4

    Default Chapter 2 - Forgiveness and Love

    Notes : Sorry guys, but I quickly put up the second chapter right after I posted my first part. I hope you enjoy it.

    Ages :

    Ash – 18
    Misty – 20
    Brock – 24
    Dawn – 10

    Chapter 2 : Forgiveness and Love

    Suddenly, Ash heard a very familiar voice. “ Hey, Ash ? ”, that
    voice said.

    When Ash raised his head, he know knew who she was.

    “ How are you doing ? ”, Misty said. Ash just quickly left where he
    was and went to his tent. He locked up the whole tent so Misty
    wouldn’t see him.

    “ Wait up, Ash ! You know what, you’re so dense ! ”, Misty said
    but Ash quickly replied, “ If I’m dense, then you’re more dense. You
    agreed to the proposal of Gary ? You’re so stupid. And shut up. Like
    now. ”, Ash said these words while crying.

    “ I’m sorry, Ash, but he seemed so ……. romantic. ”, Misty said
    dreamily. But Ash replied again with an angry impression ( which you
    can’t know ) and said, “ Goodnight ! ” loudly.

    Misty suddenly cried. Brock asked her, “ What know ? ”. Misty told
    Brock everything. She told him why did she have to be married to
    Gary and why Ash had to be angry to her. Brock just replied in one
    simple sentence. Brock said, “ Misty, you just didn’t make the right
    choice for a guy. ”. Misty thanked Brock and asked him if she can join
    in another journey. Brock ( of course ) said no. When Brock asked
    her if she had a tent, she for got to bring. Well, what does everyone
    expect from Brock ? Then, he gave her a blue tent with a water on
    sign on it. After setting up Misty’s tent, Brock and Misty went to their
    respective tents and fell asleep.

    The next morning, Ash woke up the earliest. With everyone still
    sleeping, he decided to go a take a good morning swim in a hot
    spring nearby. He took all of his clothes off of him and swam like he
    was in a deep trance.

    After a few more minutes, Misty being second, woke up after Ash.
    She also noticed the hot springs nearby. She also decided to go and
    take a swim. After all, who would be there. She removed all of her
    clothes and let herself be relaxed by the water surrounding the
    springs.

    When Misty was in the springs for a while, she saw the clothes of
    a person. She knew it was a boy since it has a black and yellow polo.
    “ Maybe it’s a hunk lifeguard. ”, Misty thought of luscious lust in her so
    called “ romantic ” mind. When Misty heard splashing around, she
    began to peek and saw Ash ! She didn’t realize that he had a six-
    pack and that very nice muscular body. Oh, she wanted him alright.
    She wanted to surprise him.

    When Ash was standing still, he wondered if there was someone
    watching him. He didn’t mind this at all but suddenly, there was
    someone touching his back. He looked behind and saw Misty. He
    quickly sat down on the water and said, “ What are you doing ? ”, but
    of course, he was blushing so terribly ! Misty replied, “ Why, what’s
    wrong with touching a friend ? ”, with a very lustful face.

    He faced looked at Misty’s body. It was the most erotic thing he
    had ever seen. He then said, “ With this surprise, I could definitely
    forgive you for one whole lifetime. ”

    Misty then replied, “ Would you like to do that thing ? ”. He replied
    with a lustful face and said, “ Sure ! ”.

    They went to a place in the woods without people. Misty sat on
    Ash. She bent down on him and kissed him passionately. Good thing,
    Misty brought a towel. She put the towel above them ( which fits them
    both ), and they started to moan in pleasure. When they finally got out of the
    towel, they were sweating terribly.

    They went back to the pond and changed back to their clothes.
    When they got back from the pond, Brock asked them, “ Where were
    you guys ? "

    End of Chapter 2

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Thank you for your comment, DarkfireAbsol. Yeah. In Chapter 3, I'll try to get your advice.

    To everyone else, please comment. I want to improve my fanfics. Give your suggestions too.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Munchlax land
    Posts
    1,067

    Default

    Well this story does have potential, but it needs improvement

    First off, can you please have this story typed in black instead of blue? Some people cannot focus on the story in the color.

    Secondly, you need to make it a little longer. One way you can is by adding vivid description.

    Ash finally arrived in Cerulean City after 3 days of walking and sleeping on the road. He had a surprise for Misty that would change her life : a wedding. He knew this would be the right time for him to say his feelings. He also knew that since that Misty had a crush on him too, why not try it?

    When Ash finally arrived in Cerulean City, he left his Pokemon in the Pokemon Center ( except for Pikachu, who was with him ) and went straight to the Cerulean Gym.

    When he entered through the doors and went to the indoor pool, he got the biggest shock of his life : Gary proposed to Misty and heard those painful, big words, “ YES, I DO ! ”. Ash saw this and shouted to Misty, “ I hate you ! ”. When she heard these words, she quickly turned to Ash and saw him drop something on the floor. She noticed that there was a box, flowers and chocolates. She stood up from where she was and went to pick up the gifts. She read the inscription on the box. It said, “ To my one and only love, Misty ”. When she looked inside the box, she saw the only finest ring with pure gold and a diamond, which can cost thousands !
    But when she tried to speak, he wasn’t even there.

    She knew that she broke his heart.
    Ahh, poor Ash. But how could Ash afford a Gold and Diamond ring?

    When Misty was in the springs for a while, she saw the clothes of
    a person. She knew it was a boy since it has a black and yellow polo.
    “ Maybe it’s a hunk lifeguard. ”, Misty thought of luscious lust in her so
    called “ romantic ” mind. When Misty heard splashing around, she
    began to peek and saw Ash ! She didn’t realize that he had a six-
    pack and that very nice muscular body. Oh, she wanted him alright.
    She wanted to surprise him.

    When Ash was standing still, he wondered if there was someone
    watching him. He didn’t mind this at all but suddenly, there was
    someone touching his back. He looked behind and saw Misty. He
    quickly sat down on the water and said, “ What are you doing ? ”, but
    of course, he was blushing so terribly ! Misty replied, “ Why, what’s
    wrong with touching a friend ? ”, with a very lustful face.

    He faced looked at Misty’s body. It was the most erotic thing he
    had ever seen. He then said, “ With this surprise, I could definitely
    forgive you for one whole lifetime. ”

    Misty then replied, “ Would you like to do that thing ? ”. He replied
    with a lustful face and said, “ Sure ! ”.

    They went to a place in the woods without people. Misty sat on
    Ash. She bent down on him and kissed him passionately. Good thing,
    Misty brought a towel. She put the towel above them ( which fits them
    both ), and they started to moan in pleasure. When they finally got out of the
    towel, they were sweating terribly.
    Isn't Misty engaged to Gary? I doubt she'd be willing to make out with someone other than her fiance.

    Try to improve the lengh and write it in a different color, and you're good to go!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Nottingham, UK
    Posts
    269

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by marcbueno123 View Post

    They went to a place in the woods without people. Misty sat on
    Ash. She bent down on him and kissed him passionately. Good thing,
    Misty brought a towel. She put the towel above them ( which fits them
    both ), and they started to moan in pleasure. When they finally got out of the
    towel, they were sweating terribly.
    ...This is PG-13? Really?

    There's a lot that could be improved in the story. For one, explanations.

    Ash finally arrived in Cerulean City after 3 days of walking and sleeping on the road. He had a surprise for Misty that would change her life : a wedding.
    Why?

    When Ash raised his head, he know knew who she was.

    “ How are you doing ? ”, Misty said. Ash just quickly left where he
    was and went to his tent. He locked up the whole tent so Misty
    wouldn’t see him.
    Why has she suddenly chased him?
    How does she know where he is?
    What's happened to her engagement with Gary?

    When Ash was standing still, he wondered if there was someone
    watching him. He didn’t mind this at all but suddenly, there was
    someone touching his back. He looked behind and saw Misty. He
    quickly sat down on the water and said, “ What are you doing ? ”, but
    of course, he was blushing so terribly ! Misty replied, “ Why, what’s
    wrong with touching a friend ? ”, with a very lustful face.
    Didn't they hate each other, just a few paragraphs up? What's happened for this to occur all of a sudden... I'm sure a naked body wouldn't change years of hatred.

    More description's needed, for instance, so far you've failed to properly set the scene. It's nice when readers can read the story and imagine the scene with help of the words on the screen, and perhaps feel involved in the story, but neither has happened so far in this, to be honest. =/
    Going Solo, my new Pokéshipping fiction. Chapter 1 now up

    Author at FanFiction.net

    Proud member of the Pokéshipping Author's Club


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    ...in my head O.o
    Posts
    506

    Default

    it can be better it needs to be a little more descriptive, i mean she dumped here fiance already? i can't seem to realize wahts the flash back and whats not there's no signifacnt timeline.
    and blue is annoying change the colour

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •