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Thread: Pokemon- Adventures of Komaig

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon- Adventures of Komaig

    PROLOGUE

    The helicopter was filled with me, Brock, Pikachu, and the pilot as we loomed over the large island of Komaig. It was quite a few miles away from where Kanto was; two-thousand forty four to be exact. Since conquering Unova, I aged five years and Pikachu grew stronger than ever before! I was ready to take on the Komaig region, with Brock and Pikachu.

    Over the sound of the helicopter blades spinning, the female pilot shouted, “Strap your parachutes on and jump down on that little town there. Oh, by the way, welcome to Heartvine Village!”

    Brock grew hearts in his eyes. “Oh, Layla! My heart is a vine that extends to you!”

    As a bizarre twist, electricity from Pikachu's tail connected with Brock's body. “Ouch,” the gym leader mumbled.

    “Just put your parachutes on,” the pilot said. We did, and I opened the door of the helicopter.

    “Wait,” I said. “Can't you just land this thing in a clearing? Oh, well.” We jumped.

    Clutching my hat to my head, I opened the parachute just as Brock did too. As we were floating down, I noticed the great scenery. For an island, it was extremely fresh with grass and other greens. The bird Pokemon flying past were majestic and beautiful. I was going to like this region.

    Next part, two new Pokemon! Feajett and Aligrip!
    Last edited by LiquidGOLD; 10th November 2011 at 1:06 AM.

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    Really good fic I must say, good plotline. I like the idea of Ash traveling to another region (and aging finally...). Also, the way you put Ash as the first-person narrator is quite interesting. One improvement you could make is by making the chapters longer, but I'm sure you're planning something for that.

    One question, will this region contain new Pokemon? It would be neat to see some new ones.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Garch0mp0utrage View Post
    Really good fic I must say, good plotline. I like the idea of Ash traveling to another region (and aging finally...). Also, the way you put Ash as the first-person narrator is quite interesting. One improvement you could make is by making the chapters longer, but I'm sure you're planning something for that.

    One question, will this region contain new Pokemon? It would be neat to see some new ones.
    Yes, in fact, this next chapter features two new ones. Thanks for the comments!

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    CHAPTER ONE

    As we neared the ground, we saw a girl, about sixteen years old, cornered by some smug looking men dressed in black. I shouted in the air, “Leave her alone!”

    We hit the ground and the tallest one said, “What are you gonna do to about it, mostro?” He brought a comb from his pocket and straightened his hair.

    “We're going to battle you!” I bravely stated. I took Pikachu from his ball and threw him out. I slipped off the parachute pack and smirked.

    The leader put the comb in his pocket. “Nobody crosses Team Slate! Get ready, punk!” He brought out a black Pokeball from his belt and chucked it. “Go, Feajett!”

    The girl said, “Don't do it!”

    The Pokedex helped prove her point. It read, “Feajett, the Toxic Pigeon Pokemon! Feajett's feathers are poisonous to the touch and they often dwell in forests.”

    The ball flashed and a purple Flying Pokemon appeared. “Fay!” its raspy voice stressed. Its purple ruffled feathers seemed to ooze a gray, milky liquid. It had a rather short, gold beak that sported serrated teeth.

    “Feajett! Fly up and deliver Toxic!” the leader commanded.

    I felt bad for the girl. “Hold on! I'll help you! Pikachu, dodge the spray and use Thundershock!”

    Feajett soared up high and spit out poisonous spray that rained down on the grass. It wilted. Pikachu ran away to a safe distance and fired electricity from his cheeks. The energy struck Feajett and it swooped down to the ground, unconscious.

    The leader stared in amazement. “Unbelievable! Nobody has ever beat Feajett in one round!”

    “Pikachu is an exception,” I remarked. “Leave now or have your whole team wiped out.”

    A short thug piped up. “My team won't!”

    The leader said. “No, Tito. Aligrip isn't worth it.” The leader spit on my shoes and the group sped off on motorcycles.

    Brock scratched his chin. “Team Slate, huh? Looks like we have an enemy.”

    I nodded and asked the girl's name. “It's Megan. Are you all right?” she answered.

    Brock corrected, “No, are you all right? We aren't harmed.”

    “I'm okay, so is my Aligrip. But they took the Pokemon I just caught.”

    “We'll get them!” I said.

    “But they took my bike!” she protested.

    “Thank Arceus,” Brock smirked. I glared at him. “Well, anyways, I think it's better of us to get a starter Pokemon from the house over there.”

    Megan was furious. “You let them take my bike, kid!” She slowed down. “Wait, what's your name?”

    “My name is is Ash,” I pointed to Brock. “That's Brock!”

    I forget what number of bikes I destroyed, but this is the only one I didn't. That's a record. Well, we gathered our things and headed over to the large house across the village. It was the biggest in Heartvine, and certainly stood out among the rest. Brock knocked. “Hello?”

    The door swung open, and a large man with a muscle shirt on loomed over us like a wall. “State your business.” He turned to Brock with an angry face. “Open your eyes and say why you're here!”

    Brock nervously mumbled, “To get a starter Pokemon. So are my friends.”

    “Come in. The professor will be with you shortly,” he said.

    After five minutes of sitting in the fancy living room, a short man came down the stairs. He had short, blond hair and glasses. He sported a lab coat and slacks. He said, “Ah, visitors! Please, make your way up the staircase and enter my laboratory!”

    We headed up the stairs, which were covered in expensive looking silk, and entered a huge room. It was full of gadgets, gears, and technology- things I've never even seen. Then there was the table. In a glass case on top of it, were three pokeballs. The case lifted, and smoke filed out.

    “Go on,” the man said. “Throw one of them.”

  5. #5
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    Quite good I must say.Feajett sounds quite cool.
    Quote Originally Posted by LiquidGOLD
    “Well, anyways, I think it's better of us to get a starter Pokemon from the house over there.”
    Only beginning trainers are awarded a starter in my opinion?

    And your prologue and chapters are too short. It should be 2 pages in word (font arial 12).
    Pokemon X and Y. That sets the tune for the next 13 games.

  6. #6

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    I'm sorry but this... this needs work. The writing style is very choppy with minimal flow, the choice words dont make sense.

    Helicopters usually aren't filled, that's a very peculiar word to describe the contents of a helicopter.

    Above all else, this is less than two pages. I'll forgive language translational issues, but still, the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread will help!

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    Hmm... This needs a bit more description. I think that you should probably add a reason why Ash should try and get a starter Pokemon. Maybe he gets it unexpectedly, but don't just say he has to get a starter Pokemon. Remember, he already has Pikachu so you have to give a reason why he'd need to get a starter Pokemon. Also, just add a few more sentences. Description is never a bad thing. Add as many paragraphs as you can, and try to be descriptive. Don't hamper the action either!

    btw, I noticed that you did make it two pages in word, so I won't bug you for that. Just remember to try and make ever descriptive paragraph at the very least as long as the one I just made! ;P
    Last edited by Garch0mp0utrage; 10th November 2011 at 5:58 PM.
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    Taking you advice and revising! Thank you!

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