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Thread: Deeds of Darkness (PG)

  1. #1
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    Default Deeds of Darkness (PG)

    EDIT:8/11/07

    This fanfiction is getting pretty long, so I decided to add a Quick Jump to make it easier to find chapters.



    Table of Contents


    |Prologue|
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4
    Chapter 5
    Chapter 6
    Chapter 7
    Chapter 8
    Chapter 9
    Chapter 10
    Chapter 11
    Chapter 12



    Chapter 13-Coming Soon! *My new 100% Grammar-error-free chapter!* :]





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    This is my very first fanfic on this forum, and I hope you'll enjoy reading it!

    To begin with, here's the prologue:


    Prologue
    The dark night clouds that hung over Sinnoh like a thick heavy blanket began to slowly fade away as the first rays of dawn began to pierce through them. Soon, people and pokemon began to wake up from their deep slumber. Light was cast everywhere, and the sea went from pitch black to sparkling blue.

    Sensing this, wild pokemon everywhere emerged from their dens to greet the newly-arrived day. Water pokemon began to rise up to the surface, splashing about in their early morning dance. The only place that stayed dark and gloomy was a fairly large island far off the coast of the main land of Sinnoh, where the sun’s rays did not dare touch.

    This island had no name, for what kind of person would even want to name such a place? The people of Sinnoh simply referred to it as ‘that island’, but in stories it was often called ‘the palace of darkness’ due to the fact it was surrounded by a dense cloud of gray no matter how bright the suns rays were shining. Whatever it was called, it definitely was the last place anybody would want to visit. It had endless forests of pitch-black darkness, plants with potent poison that had no cure, and a large cavern that is said to be home to an evil ghost pokemon. This particular pokemon was none other than Darkrai.

    Darkrai and the townspeople had a pretty bad history together. Over the months, the people had been sending complaints to the government about mysterious disappearings of their pokemon, which were blamed on Darkrai. Of course, Darkrai had captured pokemon from Sinnoh for food, but only wild pokemon. It never even did as much as come near a trainer’s pokemon – but that was soon about to change.

    Soon the government was overflowing with complaints, so it decided to send some soldiers to the island accompanied with specially trained pokemon to help rid the region of Darkrai, by shipping it as far away from humans as possible. The dark pokemon did all it could to repel the humans without killing them, but one small army after another was sent to the island after every failure, showing the humans' determination to get rid of it. One day, after wiping out twenty soldiers and sparing fifty army pokemon, Darkrai had just about enough. Soon would be its time to make a comeback that would forever change the world of Pokemon.

    Well, what do you think of it so far?

    First chapter coming soon.
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 19th June 2008 at 3:38 AM.

  2. #2
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    Chapter 1
    “Buneary, use Jump Kick!”

    These words still rang in Sadie’s ears as the small brown pokemon standing in front of her opponent, Rena, sprang up into the air as if flying. From the opposite side of the grassy field stood Sadie’s Luxio, watching Buneary with its luminous yellow eyes wide with curiosity. Meanwhile, Sadie was jumping up and down frantically, shouting out commands as fast as her mouth would allow.

    “Come on, Luxio! You still have time to dodge the attack! Hurry!”

    But Sadie’s words were no use at all – they just seemed to drift off into space before they could reach her pokemon. Buneary was descending to the ground as fast as a bullet shot from a gun, but in Sadie’s eyes Buneary was moving slower than a Slaking would in a race. All Sadie could do was hope for the best and play with the edges of her inky black hair nervously while she watched the slow-motion battle.

    Buneary was hanging in the air…Buneary stuck out its left leg in preparation for a kick…It began to descend to the ground…Buneary was almost halfway there…Buneary was about a foot away from Luxio…Buneary’s foot had made contact with Luxio’s side…Luxio was flung backward…Luxio was struggling to its feet, not fainted yet…She had to do something…

    Thinking fast, Sadie shouted, “Luxio, hurry! Use Spark!”

    These words also came out of Sadie’s mouth slow. Sadie wondered if they would reach Luxio in time before Buneary attacked again. But suddenly, the scene sped up to normal again. Sadie could hear snapping and crackling as sparks erupted from Luxio and shot forward at lighting speed toward Buneary.

    “Buneary, use Quick Attack!”

    As soon as these words left Rena’s lips, Buneary reacted as if reading its owner’s mind way before the command came. The sparks of electricity struck the ground where Buneary was standing, except the pokemon wasn’t there anymore. Faster than Luxio could see, Buneary was running circles around it and throwing hard, quick punches as it went around. Dazed, Luxio whirled its head from side to side, trying to locate Buneary. Luxio began to sink lower and lower to the ground, until finally Buneary delivered the final punch that threw Luxio up into the air a couple of inches, and brought it to the ground with a thump. The battle was over.

    Immediately, Sadie rushed over to her fainted pokemon. Just as she was about to scoop it up into her arms, the scarred and bruised Luxio abruptly sprang up back onto its feet miraculously, freezing Sadie with awe. It must have shocked Rena too, from the fact that she gasped with surprise. Luxio stood there for a split second, eyeing Buneary callously, but collapsed yet again onto the ground, this time truly fainted. Sadie heaved a sigh as she took out a pokeball and held it in front of Luxio. Just after she watched her pokemon turn a shade of red and melt into the pokeball, Sadie heard footsteps approaching.

    “Hey, good game!” Rena exclaimed as she jogged toward Sadie, her orange curls bouncing on her shoulders and her Buneary skipping at her side.

    Sadie smiled. “Thanks, Rena!” she said brightly, packing the pokeball containing her Luxio into her bag. Even though the battle was pretty short, Sadie had a better feeling of this loss than all of her others.
    It was one of the truest facts that she was no good when it came to battling. For some reason, her commands had no effect at all on any pokemon she used. Even the low-leveled baby pokemon seemed to be oblivious to Sadie’s words, no matter how loud, or stern they were. Rena began to notice this and tried to encourage Sadie in an effort to make her best friend a better battler. They often had battles in which Rena would coach Sadie on what to do, and when to do it. Sadie appreciated this help very much and was very thankful to know that their work was finally beginning to pay off.

    But, Sadie was sure that her true talent lied within the walls of the Contest Hall. Sadie thought this mainly because most of Sadie’s family was made up of coordinators. For example, her mother was one of the top ten best coordinators in Sinnoh, and her grandmother was one of the top ten in Hoenn and Sinnoh.

    But Sadie’s dad however, was not associated with contests at all. Instead, he was a Frontier Brain who lived all the way in Saffron City in the Kanto region. Sadie’s mother and him barely corresponded, so Sadie had no idea what was going on over where he lived. But, Sadie still tried to live up to her mother and grandmother’s reputations by competing in contests. So far she was a pretty good beginner coordinator since she was given pretty useful advice from her mother, but when it came to the battling round, she was halfway clueless. This was why Rena was helping her.

    “You know, Sadie,” Rena said as she slung the strap of her brown bag over her shoulder, “From the looks of it, I really think you’re improving on your battling. I mean, in the last few days your Luxio seemed to listen to you better.”

    Sadie hadn’t realized it before, but she was actually improving. Now it seemed that her pokemon was really listening to her and obeying her commands. But most of the time it just stood there and did whatever it wanted, as if it couldn’t even hear Sadie. Rena says that Sadie would get past this sooner or later, but she was in no hurry. If it would take her a year to become a good battler then let it be that way, Sadie often thought. But she was still proud of her achievements, no matter how slow or fast they came to her.

    The two girls then began walking on the dirt path that led to Sangem Town, where they both lived. Along the way, Rena discussed with Sadie about the battle and what Sadie needed to improve on. After Rena had finished her lecture on commanding before the opponent attacks, their conversation slowly altered from battling to everyday things, like the Elite Four member who paid a visit to a restaurant at Floraoma Town, what berries they had found and planted while outside, and other things that happened recently.

    Meanwhile as the girls walked, the sky was in the middle of a process of turning from a dull, stormy gray to a swirling black. Sadie glanced up at the dark sky, and felt a cold raindrop fall on her face, followed by another, and another, until a small shower started.

    “Oh great, rain at a time like this! We better hurry up, or else we’ll get caught in something even worse!” Sadie said, putting her backpack over her head to shield her.

    Rena groaned. “Ugh! My mom told me not to mess up this new backpack, but now it’s going to get ruined in this rain! Come on, let’s hurry!”

    Rena sent her Buneary back into its pokeball, and the girls then quickened their pace to a slow jog. In less than a minute, they soon found themselves running as fast as their feet would carry them in a huge storm of not only rain, but very strong wind that blew Sadie’s already wet hair on her face, blocking her view. It was pretty often that she had to stop, put her hair behind her ears with her fingers, and start running again. It was at times like this when she became jealous of Rena’s short, puffy hair. To make things even worse, the girls’ sneakers were drenched with water and they had to stop along the way to empty them out at least twice.

    The trees bent at odd angles, as if they were leaning to the ground to pick something up. Occasionally, Sadie worried one of them would snap and fall to the ground and crush them. Suddenly, a loud roar ripped through the sky, making Sadie’s ears ring. It sounded as whatever or whoever was making the sound was right next to them, shouting right in their faces. What was going on?

    Once they reached Sangem Town, which was in about an hour, the girls looked like they had been left outside during a hurricane. They ran the remainder of the way to Sadie’s house, which was at the edge of the small town for their inconvenience, and burst into the house, panting and shivering.

    “Sadie! Rena! You two girls scared me nearly to death!” gasped the Sadie’s mother, Katherine, who was sitting in the leather sofa. In front of her, the TV was going. Katherine stood up and walked over to Sadie and Rena, her hands on her hips and a stern frown on her face, that told the girls they were about to get a scolding.

    “I am appalled at you girls! You two children outside in this weather…why I can’t believe you even had the nerve to go out there! I told you two to come back by lunch, yet you keep me waiting until it’s practically time for dinner! What is the meaning of this? Rena, you wait until your mother hears about this!”

    “But Mom, we didn’t expect it! It just happened! Please don’t tell Rena’s mother! We didn’t know! Besides, it was only rain and wind! How bad could it be?” Sadie tried to reason with her mom, even though she knew that convincing her mother about something was nearly impossible.

    Katherine sighed rubbing her forehead in an exhausted sort of way. She sat back down on the couch and turned off the TV. When she spoke, her voice was softer and more troubled.

    “There was a tornado reported west of Jubilife City. It entirely destroyed that half of the city and the neighboring routes. It was pure luck that it didn’t come your way when you two were out on Route 202.”

    Sadie gasped. “There was a tornado? By Jubilife?” She couldn’t even believe her mother’s own words. Sadie couldn’t remember the last time there was a tornado anywhere near where she lived.

    Katherine somberly nodded and paused talking. They just sat there for a few moments of silence, when the only thing heard was the plip, plop of the raindrops. Katherine was staring at the ceiling as if in deep thought before she spoke again, this time her voice less serious.

    “Now, Rena I understand that your parents are unable to pick you up right now, so I will let you stay over night at this house,” Katherine said. “But only one night!” she added after the girls exchanged eager glances.

    The girls quickly ate dinner, and went to bed shortly after. By the time they had fallen asleep, the storm was beginning to calm down.

  3. #3
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    Some of the Pokemon descriptions could have been expanded.
    Buneary was hanging in the air… Buneary stuck out its left leg in preparation for a kick… It began to descend to the ground… Buneary was almost halfway there… Buneary was about a foot away from Luxio… Buneary’s foot had made contact with Luxio’s side… Luxio was flung backward… Luxio was struggling to its feet, not fainted yet… She had to do something…
    It looks cleaner when a space is inserted after an ellipsis.

    And that's about the only problems I see so far. The battle was well described, Sadie and Rena seem like interesting characters, and I didn't pick up any glaring grammar issues besides the ellipsis thing I already noted.

    Having a Frontier brain as a father might have raised some mary-Sue issues, but you dispatch that nicely by giving Sadie her major weakness- that she can't command Pokemon in battle, so no problem there! I am assuming that Contests are more game style rather than anime-style (meaning they don't have the battle component- otherwise she wouldn't be competing in them, either.

    I'm also interested in seeing where Darkrai plays into all of this. I can't promise timely reviews since I can only get on once a week during the summer, but I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

  4. #4
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    Thanks for reviewing! I'll try to keep in mind what you said while I'm working on the second chapter.

  5. #5
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    I didn't have much time to work on the second chapter this week, but I finally have it up!


    Chapter 2

    “Come on, keep it moving! Let’s go, let’s go!” Commander Hart shouted in a gruff voice as the soldiers left their base camp at Oreburgh City that next morning. He continuously shouted at them to keep moving as they marched through the city, as if the soldiers were deaf.

    “Let’s go! Let’s go! We don’t have all day!”

    As they moved along, several people off on their daily duties stoped what they were doing to give the army a funny glance, although they knew perfectly well what they were up to.

    There wasn’t one citizen in Sinnoh that didn’t know about the current problems with the pokemon Darkrai. Even though in the past they weren’t bothered by it, it was becoming quite a nuisance to them, with its stealing their pokemon for food and snooping around the region without any reason. This was why the military was given the job to ‘exterminate’ it.

    The soldiers’ boots made a crunch, crunch sound as they marched on the rough gravel, each step in rhythm with the rest. If even one step was out of beat, the commander would most likely notice, and the unlucky soldier would be pulled out of the group and given pushups. The commander often walked beside the group as the soldiers marched to check for any flaws in a specific soldier’s way of dressing and marching. Commander Hart had sharp eyes that could spot the slightest thing wrong with a soldier from the way a boot was tied to the way a gun was held. Many soldiers dreaded the commander when he came around to ‘check up’ on them.

    One such soldier was a young man named Dalton. He was one of the most experienced soldiers and had been in the army for almost twenty years now, but still hated when the commander did this the same way as he did when he first came. Often when the commander would come by, Dalton would double check his outfit, his boots, and his gun to ensure that he would pass, just like all the others did while the commander wasn't looking at them.

    The soldiers finally arrived at what was left of Route 203. Although he did nothing to show it, Dalton was especially shocked at what the tornado had done to it. Almost no trees were standing, and the ones that managed to stay vertical had the top half of their trunks missing. Broken branches, twigs, piled of leaves, and downed trees littered the grass. It looked as if three tornados had gone through, not just one.

    “All right. I will now tell you what you will do, and where you will go. You will only go where I tell you to, nowhere else! Understood?” said the commander, his crossing his muscular arms.

    “SIR, YES SIR!” shouted all the soldiers in unison, saluting.

    “Good…” The commander paced left to right, eying the nine neat rows of saluting men in camouflage suits with squinting eyes. He glanced at the first row of soldiers, and stopped.

    “I want all of you in the first row to go over there behind that tree over there,” the commander said to the first nine men, pointing to a nearby palm tree on its side.

    “Yes sir!” The man saluted and marched to their designated spot.

    The commander then moved on to the next row, assigning men several different positions and telling them what to do. He repeated this process with the rest of the rows, and pretty soon the route was filled with soldiers peeking out of shrubs, downed trees, and under logs. Finally, the commander got to the final ninth row where Dalton was standing.

    Commander Hart paused for a moment, looking at the last nine men, and finally spoke after some thought.

    “Okay all of you men except for Dalton will be on the lookout for the pokemon. You will stand right here in the middle of the pathway. When you think Darkrai has arrived, you give me a signal and jump into a bush, or behind a tree. I don’t care where you hide! Just make sure the pokemon doesn’t get a glimpse of you.”

    “Yes sir!” the men saluted.

    “And as for you, Dalton,” the commander turned, looking Dalton in the eye, “You will be all the way over there behind that big log down there.”

    The commander pointed east to a medium-sized log that had once been part of an oak tree. It looked as if it were at least big enough for Dalton to crawl behind. Dalton wondered why he was being sent there, of all places, and not with the other men in his row. But then again, Commander Hart had a knack of always assigning Dalton unusual positions or tasks for some reason.

    “Do you know why, Dalton?” the commander asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

    Dalton shrugged. “No, sir.”

    “You will be there to shoot Darkrai in the event that it comes running away in your direction. That way, we won’t lose it like we did last time. Understood?”

    Dalton saluted. “Yes sir!”

    “Good.”

    The commander walked off.

    Well, this should be easy, Dalton thought to himself as he started for his log. But little did he know, it was going to be far from easy.

    First off, the log provided less cover for Dalton than he first thought. He had to literally crouch down on his stomach to keep his helmet from poking out from the top of the log. Soon, his legs became cramped from his crouched position, although he couldn’t do anything about it. Second, it was right in the middle of the pathway, and there were no other downed trees or debris around it for Dalton to hide behind in the event that Darkrai spots him behind the log. His fate lied in Darkrai’s hands, hands that he could not trust.

    The commander must really hate me. Dalton thought, as he wiped his forehead.

    His only hope was that Darkrai would move off to somewhere else and that they would be forced to go back to base and plan for another mission. Sadly, Dalton’s hopes didn’t come true.

    “It’s here, it’s here! Fire at will!” came the commander’s voice from far up ahead.

    What? Dalton thought. Darkrai’s here already?

    Dalton peeked through a small hole in the log. Although it wasn’t big enough to see things clearly, it was his only way of seeing what was going on around him.

    Sure enough, he could see a dark black pokemon up in the sky. He heard sounds of bullets firing at the pokemon. By the looks of it, the bullets were taking effect on the pokemon. Darkrai was flinching attempting to dodge the bullets, but there were too many for it to concentrate. Dalton’s heart swelled up with hope. But when Darkrai fired one of its own attacks, Dalton's heart popped like a balloon.

    It was probably one of the most impressive Shadow Balls Dalton had ever witnessed. It began as a small circle of pitch-blackness with a tint of dark purple. It swirled rapidly as it grew larger and darker in Darkrai’s hands. The attack, fast and perfectly aimed, went hurling to the bushes, sending tons of brown smoke into the air that blurred Dalton’s view. Following the smoke were several earsplitting yells.

    “No! Commander, it destroyed all our extra bullets! Now we have nothing left! What should we-”

    Just then, before the sentence was finished, Darkrai launched another attack. More shouts. Dalton couldn’t believe his own eyes and ears. Why did so many things have to go wrong? At first the battle seemed like a straight victory, but now it was a downright loss! Ignoring his sudden urge to stand up and dash for the bushes, Dalton remained as he was, waiting for a right moment.

    Darkrai continued to fire its attacks at every single place the soldiers were hidden, which were followed by more screams.

    Finally, the route was in complete silence for the first time. There was smoke everywhere. Dalton’s throat was parched and raspy but he didn’t dare cough. Doing so would most likely make the pokemon notice him. Swallowing only made it worse. His throat was even drier, and now it was beginning to tickle him. Just when he couldn’t hold it back any more, Dalton finally started coughing. Through the peephole, Dalton could see Darkrai turning its head in his direction. He quickly covered his mouth.

    Oh great, it heard me!

    Darkrai was drawing nearer and nearer. He had to think quickly! Eyeing his gun that was lying beside him the whole time, Dalton grabbed it.

    This was his only chance.

    Surprising himself, Dalton jumped up to his feet and pointed his gun directly at the pokemon just when it was no more than a foot away from him.

    Darkrai didn’t react. It just stared at him with its fierce blue eye fixed directly at his dark brown eyes. Dalton felt himself unable to look away from Darkrai’s gaze. He felt his gun slip away from his hand and crash onto the ground.

    You are very tired, Dalton. Go to sleep…

    The voice inside his head was soothing somehow. It made Dalton drowsy.

    But, no! He couldn't fall asleep now!

    I must stay awake... Have to grab my gun...

    Dalton bent down for his gun, but the drowsiness took over him quickly. He finally collapsed onto the soil next to his gun, in a deep slumber.

    Darkrai gave the fallen human one last glare. For a moment, Darkrai just floated there, pondering on what to do with Dalton. Finally, in the blink of an eye, both Darkrai and Dalton were gone without a trace.
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 29th December 2007 at 7:13 PM.

  6. #6
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    Very mysterious... Is Dalton Darkrai's first human "victim?" What will become of him? One question I do have is why the commander singled out Dalton to shoot the Pokemon. Is it because of his experience or skills with weapons? Is it some sort of punishment for the last failed Darkrai mission?

    Then again, I don't see how a bullet would affect a Ghost-type- seems like it would pass right through. Ah, but then again, perhaps the army doesn't know that.

    Description of the setting and the tension was well done overall; however:
    Sure enough, he could see a dark black pokemon up in the sky.
    I would have liked to seen a better description of Darkrai than the fact he's black and floating in the sky.

    Again, I enjoyed this chapter. Very haunting and spooky. And I apologize fir the late reply, but I'm usually only on Wednesdays in the summer.

  7. #7
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    Actually, I gave some thought as to why the commander singled out Dalton before I wrote in that part. For some reason, the commander had always loved to 'pick' on Dalton by giving him all the special missions. I decided not to give the direct reason out in the story yet.

    You can expect more humans to be taken by Darkrai, but I'm not 100% sure. As for what happened to Dalton, that will be revealed later in the story.


    EDIT: I haven't had time to be on the computer much lately, so Chapter 3 will have a slightly late arrival.

  8. #8
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    Whew! After quite some time, I finally have the third chapter up. Enjoy!


    Chapter 3

    “Argh!” Sadie groaned, as she sat on the steps of her front porch, staring at a tall oak tree, the same oak tree that she had been staring at for minutes on end. Alongside her was Rena, who was just about as bored as she was, and was wearing a face that held absolutely no expression.

    “Come on, day, end already!” Rena complained. “This is the least fun we’ve ever had.”

    Sadie couldn’t help but agree fully with her friend’s comment. The day had started out pretty okay, but eventually at around ten o’clock, thick fog began to seep through. This fog completely blocked the sun’s rays from reaching the ground, which gave the sky a dark, stormy gray look that made Sadie’s mood even duller. There was absolutely nothing to do, and to top it all off, there was nothing good on TV – which Sadie and Rena often relied on when they were bored. So, the two girls were stuck on the front porch, staring glumly at anything that happened to catch their eye. For about an hour this process had repeated, before Sadie had finally had enough.

    “Rena, come on, let’s do something! I don’t want to sit here all day!” she said, turning to her friend, who was meanwhile staring at a nearby berry bush that held five large Oran berries.

    Without turning her head or even glancing Sadie’s way, Rena heaved a sigh. “Sadie, if there was something to do then we would be doing it right now, not sitting here.”

    “Well, yeah, but… hey, why don’t we just go biking? You know, around town and stuff!” Sadie pointed out, trying to force some cheerfulness into her voice.


    Suddenly, Rena’s entire face lit up like a fresh new light bulb. Her eyes gleamed as she slowly turned to Sadie.

    “Sa-die, instead of riding around Sandgem, why don’t we go somewhere else?” Rena said, slyness leaking from her every syllable.

    Sadie squinted suspiciously at her friend. “Where, exactly do you want to go then?”

    “It’s a surprise!” Rena grinned as she jumped to her feet. “Come on, get your bike! I’ll meet you in front of my house,” Rena called, as she began jogging away from Sadie in the direction of her house.

    Sighing, Sadie got up from the top step of the porch and made her way to her garage, which was on the right side of her house. The door of the garage was a bright white, and slid as smooth as can be when Sadie pulled it open. The inside of it was quite small for a garage – barely enough room to park her mother’s car in, yet somehow Sadie and her mother had managed to fit a lot of items in there. Against the far left wall stood a fairly small bike. It was coated in splatters of mud that completely faded out the bright, red color of the frame. The tires were beginning to lost air, since Sadie hadn’t ridden for a long time. Various parts of the frame were rusty after much exposure to water. But it was Sadie’s only choice, as she had no other bike to use.

    Sadie walked her rusty bike along the main pathway to Rena’s house. It had a vivid blue roof, and pale yellow walls. The front porch was painted a light green, and the door a dark red. Bordering the house was a white fence. It was indeed an odd building, and every time Sadie came over to visit she wondered why Rena’s family even chose those colors for it.

    As Sadie approached, she could see Rena coming around from the side of the house on her new green bike.

    “Hey!” Rena waved, “Are you ready to go?”

    Sadie nodded. “I guess. Where are we going, anyway?”

    “Like I said before, it’s a surprise. And I’m not telling you, you’ll find out when we get there, okay? Just follow me!”

    “Okay but if you take me to the edge of Lake Verity again, I’m leaving!” Sadie said, mounting her bike.

    “Oh, don’t worry! We won’t be going there,” said Rena, giving Sadie a small wink.

    “I’m glad. But what about this fog? I mean, it still hasn’t cleared out yet, and I’m not sure that it will any sooner,” Sadie said, a speck of worry in her voice as she looked up into the sky, which was no lighter than it was thirty minutes ago.

    “We’ll be fine, Sadie! Trust me. A little fog isn’t going to stop us, right?” Sadie could feel Rena’s determination.

    “Oh well,” Sadie shrugged, “What could it hurt?”

    ‘That’s the spirit!” Rena grinned. “Now just follow me and we’ll be there before you know it!”

    With that, the girls took off, Rena far in the lead and Sadie pedaling vigorously to keep up.



    . . .



    Cress… Cress…

    Dalton slowly opened his eyes. He felt like he had just woken up from a long, long dream.

    Where am I?

    Dalton looked around. He was in some sort of forest… but how did he get here?

    Cress… Cresselia…

    What happened to me? Am I still in Route 203?

    Cresselia… Cresselia…

    The noise was drawing nearer and nearer… where was it coming from?

    Cresseila

    Suddenly, he felt a soothing rush enter his body. All over, Dalton felt as if he had gained his strength back. Dalton tried to get up, but he felt like his body was glued to the ground. What was going on?

    Cresselia…

    Just then, he saw a blurry outline of a large pokemon. He couldn’t quite tell what it was. Its yellow head was shaped like the crescent moon, and its body was a pale blue, and it had shimmering pink wings. Had he seen it before?

    The pokemon stared right through him with its glowing pink eyes. Just then, he felt a sudden sensation of being lifted up into the air. The pokemon’s eyes glowed a vibrant white, and Dalton felt himself being jerked upward at a top speed.
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 24th June 2007 at 5:10 PM.

  9. #9
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    The tires were beginning to lose air
    One grammar error I saw... changed "lost" to "lose."

    I thought this chapter was a bit short, so there isn’t really too much to comment on. I just hope the girls aren’t going to be getting into any sort of trouble, as that sort of thing can happen on these boring summer days (I’m bored silly right now ) BTW, am I the only one who noticed that “Sandgem” sounds a lot like “Snagem?” I mean, it sounds like Gonzap should be the mayor and Wakin the chief of police or something…

    It looks like Dalton’s been saved by Cresselia (which I have yet to capture in Pearl), but perhaps this Pokémon has something of its own in store for Dalton. Guess we’ll have to wait and see…

    It had a vivid blue roof, and pale yellow walls. The front porch was painted a light green, and the door a dark red. Bordering the house was a white fence.
    LOL! Reminds me a lot of the outside of my old high school (you’ve got the white bricks, the red bricks, the tan/yellow bricks, the light blue metal)… looks like the color coordinator was out to lunch or something

    Overall, good description of setting, and your description of the Pokémon themselves is definitely improving. The next step in describing is to mix physical description with actions to make everything flow better, i.e., “Its slender brown tail waved slowly and gently from side to side.”

    I’ll try to review as regularly as I can, but July looks to be all messed up in terms of my internet time. I am interested to see what happens here as Darkrai continues to be all not nice and stealing spirits and just plain raising heck.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkPersian479 View Post
    I just hope the girls aren’t going to be getting into any sort of trouble, as that sort of thing can happen on these boring summer days (I’m bored silly right now )
    In the following chapter the girls actually will get into some trouble. Hint: It's not the kind of trouble when they get grounded by their parents, but a different kind of 'trouble'. This will lead to them being involved in the entire Darkrai issue later in the story.

    So far, I've planned for the parents not to find out what really happened to Sadie and Rena until later. I'm not sure if I'll stick to that decision yet, but there's a good chance I will.



    Chapter 4 is on its way...

  11. #11
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    The fourth chapter is finally done, hope you'll like it!


    Chapter 4

    Sadie spun her head from side to side, but in whichever direction she looked, the huge mobs of bustling people that surrounded her and Rena seemed impenetrable. Around her she saw the enormous Jubilife Hotel building, the Poketch Co. building, and the Jubilife TV Station, all of which were familiar to her due to the fact that they had passed them multiple times.

    “Rena, can’t you see we’ve been here about fifty times already?” Sadie said, as she turned frantically to her friend next to her, whose attention was completely focused on a large piece of white paper she was holding in her hands.

    “I know, I know! Can’t you see me trying to read this map here?” Rena answered frustratingly without looking up from the map, which she was now rotating side to side in her hands rapidly. “Stupid map!”

    Sadie sighed. “You’ve been reading that map for almost an hour now. Here, let me see it.”

    “Be my guest!” Rena said in a sarcastic tone, shoving the map into Sadie’s outstretched hand. “This map is unreadable!”

    “Oh, cam down, Rena. How hard can it be?” Sadie chuckled, opening the map.

    As soon as she did so, Sadie gasped in revolt. All that she could see were hundreds of tiny, colorful lines that crisscrossed in various directions across the map. From all she knew about maps, these confusing lines represented roads. Scattered across the map were words representing various buildings and street names, which were placed in such a manner that it was impossible to tell which road was which. At the top in bold gray letters were the words: JUBILIFE CITY MAP.

    “Ugh! What kind of map is this?” Sadie asked in a disgusted tone. “Who gave this to you, Rena?”

    “… I found it on the ground,” Rena said quietly.

    Sadie groaned as she rolled up the map. “Great. I let you take me ‘somewhere special’, and you get me stuck in the middle of this city. Great, just great!” She collapsed into a small bench that was behind her and stared up into the sky, which was finally beginning to get clearer as the sun’s rays seeped through.

    “Aw, come on. It can’t be that bad!” Rena assured her, sitting down on the bench alongside Sadie.

    “Rena,” Sadie said, looking back at Rena. “Do you know what my mom will say when she finds out that we’re stuck in Jubilife City? She’ll flip! Worse enough, I might never be able to play with you ever again!” she said worriedly.

    “But she won’t find out because we’re going to get out of this place before she even has time to even wonder where we are!” Rena said, jumping to her feet and gesturing for Sadie to come. “Hurry! Get on your bike, and let’s get moving!”

    “Whoa! Hold on,” Sadie said, taking a quick glance at the pink Poketch on her left wrist. “It’s already five o’clock, which means that we’ve been gone for a whole hour! My mom’s probably having a heart attack by now!”

    Sadie leapt off the bench and bounded to a nearby bike rack, where both of their bikes were standing.

    “We have to hurry!” Rena frantically said.

    They both mounted their bikes at lightning speed, but because of the slow-moving traffic of people, they were forced to dismount again and walk them. Steadily, Sadie and Rena made their way through the mobs of walking people.

    “Oops! Sorry! Sorry!” Sadie said as they pushed past various people, a few of them who muttered, “My, such rude children! Where in the world are their parents?” as they walked away.

    As they neared the edge of the curb, a crossing guard in a bright neon vest held up his arm into the air, signaling for them to stop. Waiting for the last of the cars to whiz by, Sadie tugged on Rena’s arm and whispered into her ear.

    “Rena, don’t you think that we attracted a little too much attention back there? Some adults even asked about our parents!”

    From beside her, Sadie heard Rena suppress a chuckle.

    “Don’t worry about them, Sadie! You know how adults are! Well, at least I do,” Rena assured, patting Sadie’s shoulder.

    The crossing guard held up his arm again and blew his whistle shrilly, signaling for the impatient group of people waiting on their side to finally start crossing. As she and Rena stepped from the road onto the other curb, Sadie could already sense the slight, but still noticeable changes.

    There were much less people here on this side and much less buildings, if you didn’t count the ones that were partially destroyed. The smooth, shiny pavement of the road had become scraped, littered, and dull. Few signs were still whole, and most cars, shops, and houses were surrounded with yellow caution tape.

    “Are you absolutely positive that we’re going the right way?” Sadie asked, eyeing the aftermath suspiciously. “There are barely any people here…”

    Rena remained quiet, her eyes still on the road ahead. “Wait!” she said, abruptly stopping. “Maybe those people can help us!” She pointed to a small circle of people up ahead.

    On closer inspection, Sadie could see several reporters; cameramen, policemen, and ordinary citizens, all huddled up together for some reason. The adults were chattering amongst themselves in hushed, frantic voices.

    Shrugging, Sadie said, “Okay, but I doubt that they’ll do anything. It looks like they’re doing something important.”

    Ignoring Sadie’s comment completely, Rena slowly approached the crowd.

    “Hey, hey! Can someone help us? We’re lost!” Rena said, trying to raise her voice above those of the crowd’s.

    A few people turned around to Rena, but then quickly turned back.

    “Let’s go,” Rena whispered, as they slowly crept up to the mob.

    Just when Sadie was about to tap a policeman on the shoulder, he turned around and eyed the girls sternly, as if to say ‘What do you want?’

    “Excuse us sir, but my friend and I are lost, and we were wondering if anyone could help us find a way out of here-?”

    “Where are your parents?” The policeman questioned, before Sadie could finish.

    “Um… you see, well…” Rena began.

    “I ask you again, where are your parents?” He asked in an intense voice, folding his arms to his chest.

    Sadie was just about to explain to the officer what had really happened, but then tall lady standing next to him turned around. She wore a long black skirt and a gray shirt, and held a large microphone. From all she knew, Sadie could tell that this lady was a reporter.

    Kneeling down to Rena so that her deep blue eyes were aligned with Rena’s dark brown eyes, the reporter held up her microphone to Rena’s mouth.

    “Do you or your friend know anything about Darkrai and its whereabouts?” she asked, looking at her attentively.

    “Clare, what would two ordinary girls know about an issue like this?” the police officer asked, looking down at her tiredly.

    The lady rolled her eyes. “I just want to see what they do know!” she said, without turning her head. “Go on,” she said to Rena.

    “Well, you see, what happened was…”

    Rena’s voice was completely drowned out by the others coming from the large crowd next to them. Sadie could tell that Rena was still talking by the way her mouth still moved, forming silent words. But Sadie’s attention was completely focused on the conversation that was going on between the people of the crowd.

    “…We can’t help your baby…I’m sorry, but we just can’t do anything to wake it up…” came a male’s worried voice. In the background, Sadie heard several moans and shrieks that sounded like a child’s.

    “I demand that you do anything and everything possible to cure my child!” came a woman’s stern voice. Sadie could tell that she was talking between tears.

    “I’m terribly sorry…” came the male’s voice again. “But we can only do so much. To completely wake your baby, and all the rest of the people who were affected, we need-”

    “Hey, you!” came a loud, sudden voice.

    Sadie abruptly turned; looking right into the face of the police officer she had seen earlier.

    “Is this your friend who you were lost in the city with?” he asked, pointing to a silent Rena, who was standing by his side.

    Sadie nodded.

    “Well, come on then! We’re going to take you girls home.” He then gestured Sadie and Rena to a police car parked nearby.

    Slowly, Sadie and Rena walked their bikes to the car and handed them to the officer, who put them in the trunk. Without saying a word to each other, the girls climbed inside of the car.

  12. #12
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    Well, you know what the say about how even the best-laid plans can go horribly wrong… And being lost in a huge city is definitely not a fun time. Having the worst map imaginable doesn’t help, does it? This has nothing to do with the story, but personally I’ve found Rand McNally and American Map Corporation maps to be among the better ones.

    Okay, back on task. I do like how your description captured the overall feel of Jubilife City- big, bustling, and more than a little intimidating for two girls who are completely lost. Reminds me a bit of New York City with all the foot traffic and such.

    Fate, luck, an illegible map- whatever the reason, it looks like Rena and Sadie are now drawn into the whole Darkrai mystery- if they aren’t grounded for life, that is. Even now, I can picture Sadie’s mom blowing a fuse and screaming at the top of her lungs when she sees her daughter and her best friend being brought home in a squad car. Of course, the girls could always provide a fake address, like room 131 at the Jubilife City Comfort Inn, as long as the officer doesn’t need to question the parents- then their cover would be blown…

    Oh, and BTW, you get bonus points for not making the police officers all blue-haired women named Jenny. I see that all way too often in fics I read, both good and bad ones. And I do find the Jenny/Joy families to be kinda creepy in how they all look alike (despite what Brock says )

    One suggestion I do have is to go into the character thoughts a bit more. Not necessarily what they say, but what’s going through their minds. I was told to do that in a review of my own fic, and it’s really helped me to bring out the personality of my main character.

    So far though, I’m really liking this. You have a nice blend between a ticked-off legendary Pokémon wreaking havoc and two seemingly regular girls whose lives are probably going to be forever changed by a chance wandering into the aftermath of destruction. I’m looking forward to the next chapter, but take as much time as you need to write it…

    *gets whacked by Brock for not noticing the difference between the different Joys and Jennys*

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    Even now, I can picture Sadie’s mom blowing a fuse and screaming at the top of her lungs when she sees her daughter and her best friend being brought home in a squad car.
    Ha! Actually, there will be some of that in the next chapter, but I'll try not to go completely overboard with the yelling, if you know what I mean.

    One suggestion I do have is to go into the character thoughts a bit more. Not necessarily what they say, but what’s going through their minds. I was told to do that in a review of my own fic, and it’s really helped me to bring out the personality of my main character.
    I have a feeling that there will be more of the characters' thoughts than words in most parts of the following chapter. Even if I'm not right, I'll still try to put in some more thoughts like you said in the fifth chapter and the rest to come!

  14. #14
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    It's done, and it's up! Here's Chapter 5:

    Chapter 5

    By late afternoon, the sun had turned from a blinding yellow to a pale orange, and the sky from a bright blue to a soft red. The light that the sun gave off was still, but barely strong enough to illuminate the half of Route 203 that was still ahead of Dalton, whose echoing footsteps stood out against the silence as he walked mindlessly through the devastated route. A cool afternoon breeze swept through, sending a sudden shower of tiny leaves scattering through the sky and slowly sinking to the ground. Dalton’s eyes did not shift to the leaves that were falling on his head like confetti, but remained fixed on the peculiar object he was flipping over in his hand.

    Shaped like the crescent moon and flat as paper, it was one of the strangest objects he had ever laid eyes on. Its original color was a light pink, but in most places it was dotted with smudges of blue. When Dalton held it up to the light, it shimmered a bright yellow. Completely despite its thinness, the object was harder than stone.

    As Dalton walked, flipping the object to and fro, examining every inch of it, he also pondered.

    Where could I have received this? When? And why don’t I even remember picking this thing up?

    These same questions had been on his mind for quite a while now. After all, Dalton didn’t think it was natural to simply pull things out of your pocket that you didn’t even know you had.

    Or did I have this before? Maybe I just didn’t notice it was in the pocket of my uniform…

    Dalton believed so, yet no matter how many times he tried to convince himself, he didn’t remember possessing the object at any point in his life. In fact, Dalton couldn’t even remember as far as to how he had arrived here in the first place. All he could remember was collapsing, being thrown up into the sky with tremendous force, and then arriving back in the same route he had started in. But when Dalton dug deeper into his mind, he also began to remember a forest of some sort… and then a pokemon…

    What if the pokemon had actually been Darkrai? What if the ‘forest’ I imagined was actually its island? The island where nobody has escaped alive…

    The thought of it made Dalton shiver. He knew that if it had really been Darkrai’s island, there was no way he could’ve escaped alive unless for some apparent reason, Darkrai had decided to let him free. But why in the world would it do that?

    But wait! The pokemon you saw looked nothing like Darkrai! a voice in Dalton’s head persisted.

    But then what had happened to Darkrai after you collapsed? Chances are that it wouldn’t just leave you there, another voice said.

    But what if it did? What if it left, and another pokemon rescued you? That would explain the encounter with the pink pokemon quite well.

    But what if-…

    Eventually, the buzzing of two unknown voices shouting at each other became too much for him. His brain hurt from thinking and his mind hurt from battling with itself. Altogether, all Dalton got was the biggest headache he had ever endured. It made every second miserable, as well as him dizzy. His eyes clouded up as if he were wearing dirty glasses, causing him to bump into stray objects he could no longer identify. But no matter what, his grip on the object, whose sharp edges were tearing into his skin, remained tight.

    I’m probably going crazy right now…

    Recognizing the truth, Dalton decided to take a rest. But where? His vision was clouded up, and he couldn’t see where he was going.

    Whatever. I’ll just stop here. Boy, I sure do hope I’m not about to lie down in a mud puddle or something else disgusting!

    Stopping in his tracks, he let himself fall to the ground on his back and slowly drift away into a deep snooze, hoping that when he woke, things would be better for him and his aching head.


    . . .



    “Is he awake yet?”

    “No, he’s still asleep…”

    Quiet voices could be heard from the background as Dalton began to arouse from a deep sleep. As he began to regain consciousness, Dalton suddenly became aware of something wound tightly against his left hand and that his head was no longer paining. Still too weak to move, Dalton remained motionless. Over time, the voices around him became clearer and clearer until Dalton could finally tell them apart.

    “I’m telling you, he’s been asleep for too long already. We should wake him now!” said an annoyed voice that apparently belonged to a man.

    “Hey! I’m the doctor here, remember? And I think we should let the poor man sleep as long as he wants!” said another man in a cheery voice.

    From somewhere in the room, Dalton heard a deep sigh followed by a low chuckle.

    “Okay, Doctor. Whatever you say! After all, I’m just the student intern, who is forced to do everything you say!” said the other man sarcastically, imitating the same high-pitched voice as the other man.

    “Good! Now I say- wait a second… Oh, he’s waking up he’s waking up! Come quick!” said the first man, as if he had just witnessed a miracle.

    “Oh, glee. He’s waking up. What a miracle,” said the other man, reverting back to his original voice of boredom.

    Dalton heard rushing footsteps coming closer and closer to him. Without warning, he felt himself being lifted into a sitting position, and then jerked back and forth by large hands that were now grasped firmly on his shoulders. The abrupt shaking lasted for a few more seconds before it finally stopped.

    “Hello? Sir? Are you awake?” asked the same cheery voice Dalton had heard earlier.

    “Yes, just a second…” Dalton was surprised at the sound of his own voice as he cracked open his eyes.

    As he did, the blurry image of a plain white room came into focus. The first thing he noticed was that his dirty soldier’s uniform was replaced by a simple white nightgown. As he looked around the room, he also saw many white cabinets lining most of the room’s perimeter, some of them bearing cautions such as: DOCTORS AND EMPLOYEES MUST WASH THEIR HANDS OFTEN, which was a message that hung over a large silver sink on the left side of the room. A small bottle of liquid soap stood by the faucet. There were thin white curtains lining the large window on the right side of the room and two white chairs by the doorway. What troubled Dalton most was that everything in the room was white except the soap, which was orange, and the sink, which was silver.

    “Well, what do you think? We just had this room cleaned a few days ago!” a sudden voice said. It took Dalton by surprise, nearly making him jump out of the soft bed. Upon turning his head, Dalton found himself staring into the face of a doctor. Or at least that’s who Dalton thought it was.

    The man had short, frizzy black hair that was contained by a white cap on the top of his large head. He wore a plain white doctor’s suit, a white surgical mask that nearly covered his entire face, and thick white gloves, all of which that blended in almost directly with the walls of the room. Despite his uniform and a badge that said ‘MD Christopher Sanchez’, the man had an attitude and voice of a circus clown.

    He stared at Dalton for a few seconds with his large green eyes, and then turned to look over his shoulder.

    “Well, if it isn’t my student intern and assistant, Abraham!” The doctor held out his hand courteously as a tall, moderately stout man approached Dalton’s bed. He wore the same uniform as the other man, but lacked the mask and gloves. The bleak expression on his face turned to aggravation as he turned to his partner.

    “Sometimes I don’t get you at all. One second you’re telling me to let the man sleep as long as he wants, and another second you’re shaking him awake!” As he talked, the man who apparently was called Abraham waved his arms around in anger.

    Completely ignoring Abraham, Doctor Christopher turned back to Dalton, rolling his eyes in mock frustration.

    “Ah, don’t mind him. He’s always been a grumpy one,” he whispered to Dalton so that Abraham wouldn’t hear.

    Dalton nodded, pretending to understand, but the truth was, he didn’t.

    “Doctor, what happened to me? Why am I here? Am I sick, or something?”

    Before Doctor Christopher could answer, Abraham cut him off. “Yes, why, Doctor? Why is he even here? There’s nothing wrong with him! All he had was a minor-!”

    “Now, Abraham!” said Doctor Christopher, turning to a grimacing Abraham.

    “What?” Abraham asked, loudly and angrily. “It’s not my fault that I have to spend three more years with you, training to become a doctor! If I ever do become one, I sure do hope that I’m nothing like you!”

    Sighing like it was no big deal, Doctor Christopher turned back to Dalton.

    “Actually, a few policemen came over a few hours earlier and dropped you off. They said that you were found lying in the grass on Route 203, and they thought you had been put to sleep by Darkrai. We wouldn’t have been surprised if you had been, since these things have been happening to us a lot lately. Why, almost half of the rooms here are filled with sleeping people!” the doctor said, paying no attention to Abraham’s groans in the background.

    “And there are only so many doctors that can treat them, and only so many of us interns to help the doctors!” Abraham groaned.

    The doctor went on. “I believe they were investigating because of a recent explosion that happened somewhere in the route. They told me to ask you if you knew anything about the explosion if and when you got cured, so do you know anything about it?”

    The explosion! That’s when I met up with Darkrai…

    “I was there!” Dalton blurted. “I was there when the explosion happened! I was part of the army that was last sent to capture Darkrai, but I don’t know what has happened to the rest of the army. Am I the only one who survived?” Dalton asked, worried that his fears might be true.

    “I don’t believe it!” Christopher declared. “From the earlier investigation on the route, some bodies were removed from among the bushes and debris, and they were said to be those of the soldiers’! There were no reported survivors of the battle, except for you!”

    Dalton was astounded. “But, how did I survive? I mean, I remember falling unconscious… and then a pink pokemon, but nothing else! Next thing I knew, I was back in Route 203, only this time in the late afternoon.”

    Not eve giving time to think about what Dalton had said, Doctor Christopher answered him right away. “I have no idea! The important thing is that you survived. You know what my motto is? It’s: Go with the flow…!” As he said this, Doctor Christopher did a few slow dance steps in the middle of the room.

    “I thought your motto was ‘Don’t bite off more than you can chew’! You said that last time to a patient with stomach problems last week, remember?” laughed Abraham. Dalton wasn’t sure whether he was laughing at the doctor’s dance, or his words.

    Immediately, Doctor Christopher paused in his dancing, right before he was about to do a complicated jump. “Oh yeah! What was his name again? I forgot…”

    “Douglas, I think.”

    Christopher snapped his fingers again. “Now I remember! Poor man… ate too much spaghetti… Who knew that such a delicacy would one day be bad for you?” Christopher’s voice was sympathetic, yet playful.

    “I’ve always loved spaghetti when I was a kid. In fact, I remember that each day my breakfast would be one big bowl of it,” Abraham recalled.

    ‘I’ve always hated the sauce they put on it. It’s just always so spicy!” Doctor Christopher stuck out his tongue in disgust, and resumed his silly dance.

    While the two doctors were laughing heartily and sharing memories about spaghetti, Dalton was slumped against his pillow, unsure of what to do or what to say. He could still feel the presence of the mysterious crescent-shaped object in his right pocket.

    Should I show it to them? Maybe they know what it is… Dalton considered it for a few moments, ignoring the chants and laughs from Doctor Christopher and Abraham, and finally decided to give it a try.

    “Um… excuse me? Doctors?” Dalton raised his voice over their conversation, and successfully got both men’s’ attention.

    “Yes, my boy?” Christopher said in mid-step.

    “Uh…” Dalton bit his lip, unsure of how to start off his question. “You see, I found this weird item before I arrived here, and I was wondering if you could tell me what it is,” Dalton slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out the thin crescent.

    “… …”

    Doctor Christopher was speechless. His widened eyes reflected the shimmers and gleams that the object sent off.

    “Is that the…?” He couldn’t finish his sentence.

    “I was wondering what it was, sir,” Dalton said to Doctor Christopher, who was frozen in an invisible block of ice.

    Suddenly, the ice thawed and Christopher burst out laughing.

    “Ha! Ha- did you- see- that- Abraham? He- doesn’t… know- what the- Lunar Wing- is!” he said, between giggles.

    Abraham’s expression suddenly transformed from a slight smile to a scowl.

    “Oh glee. The man doesn’t know what the Lunar Wing is. Gee, I don’t know what to do. Why don’t you try TELLING him, Doctor?”

    Christopher snapped his fingers yet again. “Good idea! “Okay! Uh… where should I start? Um…hmm…” Doctor Christopher pondered for a moment, pacing back and forth in the middle of the room with his arms behind his back. Suddenly, his face lit up, and he raced back to Dalton’s bedside.

    “Ah, now I’ve got it! Let’s begin with me telling you that the Lunar Wing is one of the most rare and mysterious objects that have ever existed! In fact, did you know that even though scientists discovered the Wing over ten years ago, they haven’t found anything new about it yet because it is so rare?”

    “Uh… no, I didn’t know that,” Dalton said as he stared at the doctor, who was speaking as if he was giving a graduation speech, chest high and shoulders back.

    “What are you so proud about?” chuckled Abraham.

    Ignoring him, the doctor droned on.

    “If you ever checked out a book on the Lunar Wing, it’ll probably say that it comes from the moon pokemon, Cresselia. But I don’t know if that’s true or not, because I’ve read other books that say that the Wing and Cresselia have absolutely nothing in common! Can you imagine that? Sometimes you just don’t know which authors to-”

    “Um, excuse me?” Dalton cut him off. “Can I ask you one thing?”

    Christopher nodded.

    “What is the Lunar Wing used for anyway? What makes it so important?”

    At this question, Christopher burst out laughing again. To Dalton’s relief, it only lasted a few seconds before he collected himself. He cleared his throat before continuing.

    “Ah, sorry about that. Okay, where were we? Ah yes, the use. Well, as far as scientists know, it is the only existing thing that can cure the dreadful ‘sleeping spells’ cast on living things by Darkrai. Now isn’t that nice? Finally we have a cure for all those poor people filling up the rooms of this hospital…”

    Doctor Christopher became lost in thought for a moment, but still didn’t hesitate to ask, “How on earth did you get hold of this?” Then, in a more serious tone, he added, “You didn’t steal it from anybody, did you?”

    “No! Of course not!” Dalton shook his head. “I found it while I was walking.”

    Abraham chuckled. “There ain’t no way you could’ve found the Lunar Wing on the ground. The Lunar Wing isn’t like a quarter that you can find almost anywhere if you look hard enough.”

    “But I swear! I found it while I was walking on Route 203!” Dalton persisted.

    “Then you must be one lucky man!” Abraham said, suppressing a slight chuckle.

    “Like I said: ‘Go with the Flow’. Who cares how you got it? At least you did!” Doctor Christopher reminded Dalton. “Now, if you could hand the Wing to me…” he reached out his palm, into which Dalton placed the Lunar Wing.

    Doctor Christopher flipped the Wing around in his hand just like Dalton had done. “Now Abraham, bring this man some dinner. The best food we have!”

    Abraham sneered. “Why should he get the special treatment?”

    “Oh, Abraham, what am I going to do with you?” Christopher joked.

    “Find me someone else to train me,” he mumbled, noisily stomping out of the door.

    Once he was gone, Doctor Christopher turned to a silent Dalton.

    “While Abraham is bringing you dinner, I, myself, have patients to wake,” He waved the Lunar Wing in the air, “You will have it back by tomorrow.” Turning for the door, Christopher abruptly stopped and looked over his shoulder to Dalton, who still hadn’t shifted his position.

    “Oh, I almost forgot. There are more hospitals in Sinnoh where sleeping people are being held. I think it would be a great favor if you were to pay them a visit,” he said, winking.

    Dalton was stunned. “But Doctor, how in the world am I supposed to travel across the entire region of Sinnoh, searching for victims? And even if I do find a way, which I probably won’t, what am I supposed to do? Knock on the hospital doors and ask them if their patients would like to be woken?”

    At this, Doctor Christopher shrugged. “I don’t know. But I’m sure you’ll find a way in no time!” He said optimistically.

    “But I’m not-”

    The doctor just smiled. “Good night.” Without another word, he shut the door, leaving Dalton alone in the room with nobody to keep company.
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 17th July 2007 at 11:24 PM.

  15. #15
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    Thanks for adding my friend code! As it turns out, I'm able to sponge off my neighbor's wireless internet, at least for the time being...

    Wow... loved Doc Chris! Spacy and a bit out there for a doctor, but if all doctors were serious like Intern Abraham, our hospitals would be pretty boring places, right?
    You know what my motto is? It’s: Go with the flow…!” As he said this, Doctor Christopher did a few slow dance steps in the middle of the room.
    LOL! Is Doc Chris practicing his DDR moves while interviewing Dalton?

    On to more serious matters, I can't help but think that Dalton has some special qualities that Creselia has chosen him to travel the land and
        Spoiler:- D/P Ingame (post E4) spoiler:

    I mean, he was the only member of his tactical squad who survived, and he found himself in possession of the Lunar Wing. Methinks there's something... special... about him that will help in the struggle against Darkrai.

    I'm till having a good chuckle about that doctor. I guess acting like the "class clown of the ER" wouldn't be so funny for the patient if he was about to perform surgery, though... Good job with the chapter! If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to nominate your story for one of the fanfiction awards.

  16. #16
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    Wow... loved Doc Chris! Spacy and a bit out there for a doctor, but if all doctors were serious like Intern Abraham, our hospitals would be pretty boring places, right?

    Quote:
    You know what my motto is? It’s: Go with the flow…!” As he said this, Doctor Christopher did a few slow dance steps in the middle of the room.

    LOL! Is Doc Chris practicing his DDR moves while interviewing Dalton?
    I decided that having plain old doctors would be kinda boring, so I made their personalities different from the usual doctor and intern to spice things up a little. (I actually laughed while I wrote those parts!)

    I mean, he was the only member of his tactical squad who survived, and he found himself in possession of the Lunar Wing. Methinks there's something... special... about him that will help in the struggle against Darkrai.
    You may be correct, but we'll just have to see where the story goes. I'm not sure myself yet!

    Good job with the chapter! If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to nominate your story for one of the fanfiction awards.
    I don't mind at all, thanks!

  17. #17
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    Delayed majorly, but still up! Enjoy Chapter 6!




    Chapter 6

    The first hour or so of the drive had been nowhere near pleasant. The car had been completely silent; except for occasional ‘lectures’ the police officer had given Sadie and Rena between his soft whistling. Those lectures consisted mostly of “Your parents know what’s best for you,” and other things Sadie heard her own mother say to her a million times in the past. Even though she knew that those phrases were correct, Sadie made an effort to ignore them. Instead, she occupied herself in looking out the car window as the vast green landscapes of trees, bushes, signs, and grass whizzed by her in a blur of color.

    She continued this for the rest of the drive, and did not even notice the slow dimming of the sky, which signaled the arrival of nightfall. Before she knew it, it was nearly pitch-black outside, and her eyes had already begun to hurt from following so many moving objects. Just as she was about to turn away from the window, she felt a tug on her sleeve.

    Psst! Hey Sadie! Listen, I’ve got a plan,” whispered Rena. “Before he makes the turn into Sandgem Town, I’ll somehow make a loud thumping noise, and as soon as I’m done, you shout out to the policeman and say that you heard something fall out of the trunk. He’ll probably try to calm us down and tell us that it was nothing, but then I’ll speak up and say that it sounded a lot like our bikes!”

    “Uh, Rena?” I whispered back, unsure of what to make of her little scheme, “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

    Ignoring her completely, Rena went on. “Then, we’ll both ask together if he can open the trunk so we can check if our bikes are damaged. But first we’ll tell him that they were a present from my great-great grandmother before she died, so he’ll feel bad for us. We go to the trunk, grab our bikes, and before he knows it, we’ll be zooming off to the moon!” Despite the fact that she was whispering, Sadie could still sense the overdose of excitement in Rena’s tone. “It’s foolproof, I’m telling you!”

    “Rena!” Sadie sighed, her voice a bit louder than she meant it to be. The police officer turned his head toward them, a funny look on his face. Sadie waited until he turned back around before she continued, this time her voice down to a low whisper.

    “Rena. Don’t you realize that your little ‘plan’ is going to get us into even more trouble? I mean, seriously. A car can outrun a bike any day. What do you think he’ll do with us when he catches us?”

    If, not when,” Rena corrected. “And besides, if you just follow me, I’ll lead you back to-”

    Before Rena could finish, Sadie cut her off. “No, Rena. I followed you all the way to Jubilife City, and you get us lost. I follow your stupid little directions you got from a dirty map you found on the ground, and you lead us into even more trouble. I think I know better than to follow you again.”

    “Come on, Sadie, trust me! You know that-”

    “Hey, what’s going on back there? What are you two girls whispering on about? It looks like you’ve come up with some sort of plan!” The officer chuckled heartily. Immediately, their conversation ceased, and the girls exchanged nervous glances.

    “Uh… we were just talking about… about…” Sadie stammered, searching frantically through her mind a good excuse for a topic. But, as usual, Rena was quicker.

    “Ponies!” she exclaimed, her face lighting up with a smile brighter than the sun.

    Ponies?!” Sadie angrily mouthed at her friend, who returned her scowl with a simple, innocent shrug. Then, she turned back to the officer and continued talking.

    “You see, we were just arguing about what the difference is between ponies and horses. Sadie says its because ponies are children and horses are adults, but I say it’s because ponies are girls and horses are boys. What do you think, Officer?”

    Sadie almost choked at Rena’s tone. Being innocent and childish, it sounded as if a four-year-old were speaking. What was even more surprising, the police officer fell for the joke as if it were nothing.

    “When I was your age I always hated ponies and horses. I remember how my sister used to love them. She used to shove her little stuffed animals in my face and beg me to play…” said the policeman, lost in deep thought. “… And when our mother would call us in for dinner, I would always complain to her about my sister… and she would never believe me. I still remember how she used to be the little angel around the house just because she was younger… Ah, good times, good times!” he sighed, and Rena giggled.

    “This is gonna be so easy!” she murmured to Sadie with a grin. “This policeman is so gullible that if I told him that Martians exist, he’ll believe me!”

    Sadie rolled her eyes angrily, but said nothing.

    “Anyway, about your question, I actually have no idea myself! Like I said, my sister used to always shove her little pony toys in my face, so I soon decided to stay away from anything that had to do with ponies and horses altogether!” continued the cop, but little did he know that neither of the girls were listening to him.

    “Hey, Sadie!” whispered Rena, in the middle of the cop’s speech. “Now for our plan…”

    Just as Rena lifted her arm in preparation to thump on the backseat, the car lurched forward and came to a sharp stop that practically knocked Rena down to the floor. Sadie suppressed a giggle.

    “Sorry, ladies but I have a call on my police radio,” apologized the officer, as Rena climbed back up into a sitting position with an annoyed look on her face. “And I can’t drive while talking, you know,” he added, not bothering to turn around.

    Then, out of nowhere, he pulled out a small black walkie-talkie with a large antenna and turned a small black knob on the top of it. Upon doing so, the radio let a surprisingly large amount of static through the microphone, which almost completely drowned out the tiny, but loud voice that Sadie could now hear, despite the hands that were clasped around her ears.

    “Hello? Hello? Officer Garrett? Officer Garrett? Do you read me?”

    The police officer brought the device closer to his ear and answered. “Chief! I read you loud and clear. It’s just that something must be breaking up our connection!”

    “Officer…need you to come… right away, there’s… sighting of… Darkrai!” said the police chief, the disruptive static now intensifying and blocking out most of the man’s sentence.

    The policeman had a puzzled look on his face. “What did you say, Chief? Can you repeat what you said, please?”

    “I said that- there- has been-… recent- of… Darkrai in the town of-…!” Suddenly, the static began to intensify beyond control. The radio squeaked and faltered, forcing Sadie and Rena to clasp their hands tightly around their ears to block out the shrill, high-pitched noise the radio was now emanating in a frenzy. It was as if the radio, for some apparent reason, didn’t want them to hear what the chief had to say.

    But why in the world would it want that? Is it that important for us not to hear it? Sadie thought, her hands still shielding her ears with much pain.

    “Chief, Chief! Are you still there?” called the officer, unsure of what to do. “Damn static!” he swore under his breath.

    “Officer, Officer! Can you hear me now?” said the man on the radio. This time, his voice was much clearer and more distinguishable from the static.

    “Yes, sir!” sighed the officer.

    “Okay now, listen to me, while this static is still gone. There has been a recent sighting of the wandering pokemon Darkrai in the town of-…” Just as he was about to finish his sentence, the static took over once more.

    At this, the policeman sighed and muttered something under his breath. “Chief, can you hear me?” he said without much enthusiasm.

    “Sandgem, Sandgem! Darkrai has been in Sandgem! We need you here immediately, Officer!” shouted the chief, his angry voice breaking through the static.

    It took a while for the words to sink in. Even when they did, Sadie still remained frozen on the spot, flooded with emotion. Fear for the town, guilt for going away with Rena to Jubilife City, and, most of all, anger at herself. Was it possible that Sadie and Rena's presence at the town could've changed the outcome?

    The audible conversation between the police chief and the cop sitting in the driver’s seat continued, but Sadie wasn’t listening anymore. She just sat there, thoughts swimming in her mind, twisting and mixing together. She wasn't sure anymore of which thoughts were true or false, nor which ones to believe. In a few minutes, the car was on the move again. Sadie, who was back to looking out the window, neither knew nor cared when they would be arriving at Sandgem.


    . . .


    Before she knew it, the car had stopped, and the police officer was already calling, “Sandgem ahoy, ladies!”

    As she unbuckled her seat belt and looked out the front window, Sadie almost instantly noticed the large black iron gate in front of the parked car. This gate was very familiar to Sadie, due to the fact that it guarded the only entrance to Sandgem Town, and she had passed it several times while following Rena on one of her ‘excursions’. Reluctantly but hurriedly, Sadie and Rena climbed out of the car and out into the fresh, cool night. But something mysterious and cold still hung in the air, something that Sadie could still feel as the officer pulled the rusty gate open.

    “Whoa…” Sadie stammered, but she was unable to say more.

    For the first time in her life, Sadie was quite certain that she was more curious about her surroundings than Rena was. The once quiet, peaceful town of Sandgem was completely flipped around into a bloody crime scene – only without the blood. There were large red fire trucks everywhere, but Sadie couldn’t see any flames. Paramedics littered the scene, carrying motionless bodies on large white stretchers. Sadie had soon made a habit of double checking every stretcher to make sure that none contained anyone she knew or loved.

    “This place is a wreck…!” Rena said, her eyes wider than a ruler.

    Sadie nodded in agreement.

    “Officer Garrett! Officer Garrett!” shouted a voice that made Sadie turn abruptly in surprise. Bursting out from somewhere in a large crowd, was a very tall man. He wore the same exact navy blue police uniform and black boots as Officer Garrett, except with a shiny gold badge pinned to the pocket of his shirt and a cap covering his bright orange hair, the exact same shade as his suit.

    At the sight of the man’s presence, the police officer saluted quickly. “Yes, Chief?”

    Pausing next to the officer, the chief took a long, deep breath. “Oh, thank god you’re here! There just simply aren’t enough policeman to go around these days!” The chief heaved a sigh. “Too bad that most of our best men resigned to work for the government up in Snowpoint.”

    Officer Garrett grunted. “Well, we’re not the only ones who’ve lost some of our people. From what I’ve heard, the military has already lost more than twenty percent of its troops!”

    The chief snorted in displeasure. “And it’s all because of some sinister pokemon running mad across the region…” he mumbled to himself.

    “I daresay, if this continues for more than one year, the entire region of Sinnoh will be reduced to merely a pile of turmoil.”

    The police chief nodded in agreement while muttering something, which Sadie did not notice due to the fact that another voice was in her ear.

    “Hey, while we still have a chance, why don’t we go check out he rest of the town? If you ask me, standing here and listening to two grandpas’ chatter is pretty boring,” Rena whispered, leaning over to Sadie.

    “I guess you’re right. I was getting pretty bored too, standing there,” she said with a shrug. “But this time, I’ll be taking the lead!” Sadie suddenly added as she stepped forward and, with a glance backward at the now grimacing Rena, started walking. Rena followed, but showed much reluctance in doing so.

    Past flashing lights, wailing sirens, and running people they walked for many minutes, double checking their surroundings for the slightest glimpse of Sadie’s or Rena’s house every few steps.

    “Mine shouldn’t be hard to find,” Rena joked. “Just look for the blue roof and green porch!”

    Sadie giggled a little, but still remained focused on the path ahead of her. Nevertheless, no matter how hard she looked; all the houses were identical like twins. Police cars, fire trucks, and hundreds and hundreds of people surrounded each house; some snapping photos, some in front of cameras holding huge microphones, and most of all, families with bawling children engulfed in the crowd, unsure of what to do.

    “Outta my way! Outta my way!” came a sudden voice, making Sadie jump.

    “Rena, was that you?”

    “Huh? No, what do you mean?” Rena replied, taken aback for a moment.

    “I was asking-!”

    “D’you hear me? I said OUTTA MY WAY!”

    Before Sadie could react, she was pushed sharply to the side, and fell onto the cold grass with a thump. Half a second later, Sadie felt Rena land next to her with a sharp “Ow!”

    Another second later, Sadie felt something hard and flat fall on top of her head. Upon opening her eyes, she recognized it as the same stretcher the paramedic who had knocked them over was carrying.

    “I toldyou two to get outta my way! Now look what you made me do!” yelled an angry voice. Sadie felt a sudden strong gale as the stretcher rapidly lifted off of their heads, revealing a panting, blond haired man in a white suit. By the intensity of his daunting glare, Sadie could tell that this man had a very short temper.

    “Um… sorry, sir. We didn’t mean…” Sadie stammered, slowly stumbling to her feet.

    “SORRY?!” He bellowed, his face reddening. “Sorry won’t make my job any easier, girl! It’s been one heck of a day for me, and the last thing I need is being run over by two senseless kids! Can’t you see I’ve got a sleeping victim here?!” He pointed a shaking finger at the body lying beside the stretcher. By the odd positioning of the person’s arms and legs, Sadie concluded that it had clearly fallen off the stretcher in the ‘crash’. At first, Sadie meant to take a quick glance at the body and then focus once more on the man’s livid stare, but she found herself unable to pull away.

    That red shirt… and that skirt… weren’t they the same exact ones my mom was wearing? Oh, no… can it be…?

    But Sadie didn’t need convincing. From the first sighting, Sadie clearly recognized her own mother, lying there in the grass. Katherine’s eyes were tightly shut and twitching slightly every so often, as if she were experiencing a terrible nightmare. Beads of sweat dotted her forehead, some already dripping down her pale face, which had a frozen, stricken expression etched into it.

    What could’ve caused this…? What’s wrong with my mother?

    Sadie’s throat stung painfully as she swallowed. Thoughts froze inside her brain, as if someone had just turned off the music in a game of musical chairs. Rena, who was sitting beside her on the grass, seemed to be noticing the same things as Sadie was.

    “Sadie, isn’t that your moth-…?” Rena began to whisper, gently pulling Sadie’s sleeve.

    Sadie remained silent, her widened eyes fixed permanently on her mother.

    “What? What’re you girls staring at?” demanded the paramedic. “Get up and get outta here! Now!

    Sadie felt droplets form in her eyes as he slowly got to her feet. Even when the paramedic had placed her mother back on the stretcher and was on the move again, Sadie still did not take her eyes off of them.

    Please be safe...
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 8th December 2007 at 1:49 AM.

  18. #18
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    Heh, out of boredom, I decided to start reading this. And I must say it's pretty good so far. I just hope that Darkrai really IS evil and not just misunderstood. >_<

    And poor Sadie's mom. D= Hopefully her dad will haul his butt over from Saffron City to keep watch on his daughter.

    The Gym - Brock is an incompetent gym leader. Hilarity ensues.

  19. #19
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    She wasn't sure any more of which thoughts were true or false, nor which ones to believe. In a few minutes, the car was on the move again. Sadie, who was back to looking out the window,
    For some reason, it seemed like this one paragraph alone slipped by the spell-checker, because everything else looks fine.

    “Then, we’ll both ask together if he can open the trunk so we can check if our bikes are damaged. But first we’ll tell him that they were a present from my great-great grandmother before she died, so he’ll feel bad for us. We go to the trunk, grab our bikes, and before he knows it, we’ll be zooming off to the moon!” Despite the fact that she was whispering, Sadie could still sense the overdose of excitement in Rena’s tone. “It’s foolproof, I’m telling you!”
    Sounds so good on paper, doesn't it? Problem is, real life dictates that Rena's plan is doomed to fail- I've seen many an episode of COPS where the bad guy on a bike is brought to swift (and sometimes painful) justice.

    Like I said, my sister used to always shove her little pony toys in my face, so I soon decided to stay away from anything that had to do with ponies and horses altogether!
    May I assume that Officer Garrett doesn't train or raise Rapidash in his spare time? I guess having a crazy little sister could scare you out of anything...

    Well, that kinda bites, returning back to your hometown only to fin it in disarray and chaos. And now Sadie has to deal with all of the anguish of having her mother under the spell of this mysterious creature...

    I'm still on the fence about whether Darkrai intentionally targeted Sandgem (on account of the girls stumbling onto the scene of its last strike) or whether this target was randomly selected. Perhaps it seeks out certain victims and attacks where they live or work, with others in the area being of little concern.

    Things aren't looking too rosy right now, but it now looks like Sadie and Rena are going to get pulled into the whole Darkrai situation. Another nice chapter, and worth the wait.

    One suggestion would be to expand on Sadie's reaction to seeing her mother suffering from the attack. Try to make scenes like those very emotional.

  20. #20
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    Kagome Lover:

    Heh, out of boredom, I decided to start reading this. And I must say it's pretty good so far.
    Thanks!

    Hopefully her dad will haul his butt over from Saffron City to keep watch on his daughter.
    Well, nobody likes an irresponsible dad... And I'm sure Sadie wouldn't either!


    DarkPersian479:

    One suggestion would be to expand on Sadie's reaction to seeing her mother suffering from the attack. Try to make scenes like those very emotional.
    I'm still working on improving my writing skills for the really emotional parts of the story, but I'll keep that in mind!


    She wasn't sure any more of which thoughts were true or false, nor which ones to believe. In a few minutes, the car was on the move again. Sadie, who was back to looking out the window,
    For some reason, it seemed like this one paragraph alone slipped by the spell-checker, because everything else looks fine.
    Eeek! I must have not been looking at the screen at the time...
    But for some apparent reason, most of the time when I type 'looking' on the keyboard, it comes out as 'loking' 90% of the time.


    Chapter 7 is on it's way!

  21. #21
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    Well this has been a nice read. I'm still trying to get a good feel for the characters. You've given them distinct personalities so far it's just a matter of expanding on them a bit and you better with each chapter.

    merely a pile of turmoil.
    those words don't just work together nicely. Turmoil doesn't sound good with pile and merely is an odd word usually used just as mere. A mere spec, a mere dent etc

    That's about my only complaint with your phrasing.

    I'm looking forward to your next chapter, so far the story is interesting action packed, it keeps me on my toes wondering what will happen next. It's also inspired me to on my pearl game.

    later

    Umbra
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=455057
    ^ The culled
    They say ignorance is bliss, they're wrong.

  22. #22
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    Ladyumbra:

    Well this has been a nice read. I'm still trying to get a good feel for the characters. You've given them distinct personalities so far it's just a matter of expanding on them a bit and you better with each chapter.
    Thanks, I really appreciate it!

    merely a pile of turmoil.
    those words don't just work together nicely. Turmoil doesn't sound good with pile and merely is an odd word usually used just as mere. A mere spec, a mere dent etc
    It sounded fine when I typed it... but thanks anyway for noticing that!


    *Ahem* Its finally making its way over here, after a (long) delay! What is it? Is it a car? Is it a train? Is it a plane? No, it's Chapter 7!

    Note: Just as a sneak peek, the next chapter will be featuring a character (two, actually) from Lurking in the Shadows: Lisa's Ultimate Challenge, by DarkPersian479!


    Chapter 7

    “Well? Do you like it?”

    Ignoring Doctor Christopher’s question, which had been repeated constantly throughout the meal, Dalton kept his eyes fixed on his nearly empty ‘gourmet’ breakfast tray that the doctor had set before him not too long ago. Originally, it had contained a stack of three, golden-brown buttermilk pancakes, a tall glass of creamy white milk, a polished red apple, and to top it all off, a plain paper napkin folded into a complicated, professional-looking form of a Walrein, which was balancing what appeared to be a giant pokeball on its nose. Although he was not that hungry, he did not want Doctor Christopher’s hard work to go to waste. Dalton devoured the syrup-smothered pancakes in less than five minutes, dousing the sticky sweetness of the maple syrup with milk as he worked through his meal. In the end, Dalton was forced to take a few bites out of his apple, which Doctor Christopher thought to be a ‘must’ when it came to breakfast.

    “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!” he had said to Dalton as he reluctantly ate, shaking his index finger as if he was teaching Dalton a lifelong lesson. “Remember that, and one day you’ll grow up to be just like your ol’ pal!” The doctor had then given Dalton a moderately hard slap on the shoulder. It was still slightly paining Dalton to this very moment as he sat in his bed, absentmindedly staring at his tray, whose intense white color was beginning to burn out his eyes.

    “Staring absentmindedly into one spot for more than three seconds is bad for you, young man! It weakens the eyes and the mind,” Doctor Christopher spoke up, breaking the awkward silence between them.

    Dalton didn’t even bother looking up into the broad grin that he was sure to be plastered on Doctor Christopher’s pale face. Instead, he was focused on the many faint, distant yells and shrieks that had begun to erupt from faraway rooms. Dalton could hear glass shattering and doors slamming.

    “Oh, dear!” Christopher exclaimed, “It doesn’t sound too good out there! I’ll be right back,” he said to Dalton, turning for the door. But Christopher was a second too late; the small white door had already burst open, giving way to none other than Abraham, whom Dalton remembered to be Doctor Christopher’s not-so-pleasant intern.

    “Abraham!” Doctor Christopher exclaimed, his face brightening up immediately at the sight of Abraham, but that smile soon faltered into a grimace as Abraham stepped into full view.

    “Oh, Abraham! I daresay, are you all right?

    For the first time in his life, Dalton agreed with Doctor Christopher fully and completely. The small white hat, which should have been on top of his head, was crumpled up into a ball in his large fist. His brown hair was matted and dirty and his overcoat was covered with so many splatters and stains, it almost made him look like a painting. The redness of his eyes and the paleness of his face did nothing to improve his looks as well. His annoyed, raspy voice sent a chill down Dalton’s spine.

    “Gee. I don’t know. Do I LOOK all right to you?” Abraham shouted, waving his arms in the air. Apparently he had forgotten he had been holding a hat.

    “Oh, Abraham!” Christopher brought his palms to his face, clearly worried. “You didn’t drink chocolate milk before going to bed again, did you?”

    Hearing this phrase, Abraham exploded like a bomb, only with ten times more impact.

    “I didn’t GO to bed, you imbecile! I spent all last night waking all the helpless victims with that Lunar Wing on your orders, and now they’re complaining for food! There’s a riot going on in the lobby as we speak!”

    Abraham paused for a few moments, taking deep, long breaths. Dalton could see the vein in Abraham’s forehead throbbing rapidly. Christopher, ignoring all signs of Abraham’s anger and stress, pressed his finger to his chin.

    “Well, if the patients are hungry… why don’t you give them some food?”

    At this, Abraham scowled. “Do you not think I tried? Because I did, yes-sir-ee- I did! But our stupid boss had to donate all of our stupid shipment to the stupid military! And when I checked the kitchen for some decent buttermilk pancakes earlier this morning, the supply was all cleared out! The same thing with the milk, and our fruit! Even worse, all of our napkins are gone! Someone must’ve used up every single last one of them! I even checked for some-”

    “Easy, easy!” Christopher said, before Abraham could finish his rant. His face was now also covered in splatters, which had landed upon him by Abraham’s waving arms. “I can assure you all those objects were put to…. uh…. a very good use!” he assured. Even though it was hard to notice, Dalton sensed some guilt in the doctor’s tone as he tried to calm his assistant.

    Abraham’s eyes narrowed, as if they were looking right through Christopher’s mind, reading the thoughts that were etched into it.

    “You…!” he said, pointing a shaking finger at Christopher, who made an effort to remain still.

    “Y-yes?”

    “YOU were the one who used up all the last of those products?” There was rising anger bubbling in his voice, ready to shoot out at any moment and knock the whole world unconscious.

    “Maybe…” Christopher rocked back and forth on his feet, hands behind his back.

    At this moment, Dalton’s hands were up in the air, ready to be slammed against his ears. He had been expecting an explosion equal to the one back in Route 203, but surprisingly it did not come. Abraham, too, looked ready to implode, but instead he just sighed and sulked his shoulders, deciding that it was no use.

    “Don’t say anything, Abraham. It’ll just make the situation worse…” he mumbled to himself, staring off into space. “Just go crawl back behind your desk, where your opinion has just as much effect as it does here…”

    Abraham began to turn for the door, but stopped in mid-step. His right hand dug into the pocket of his splattered overcoat, and emerged with a shiny, crescent-shaped object.

    “Oh, and here’s your Lunar Wing, I don’t need it anymore,” he then flicked the shimmering Lunar Wing across the room like a quarter, smack into Christopher’s open hands.

    “Why, thank you Abraham!” he said, “But this doesn’t belong to me!” Christopher then turned to Dalton, who, for the last three minutes, seemed to be forgotten in the background.

    “Hike!” Christopher shrieked, in a bad imitation of a professional quarterback. Taking a stance, he attempted to spiral the Lunar Wing to Dalton, who would have lost an eye if he hadn’t put his hands up to catch the Wing.

    “Watch where you’re throwing that!” Abraham yelled. “See, this is why I don’t like to leave you alone with sharp objects!” he complained. “Anyways, I’ll be in the kitchens, trying to get those lazy cooks to get cooking before the mobs of people tear this hospital down to its foundation.”

    With a single slam of the door, Abraham had left the room, and silence was resumed. Dalton was already accustomed to the frequent clangs and splatters that were all too common within the environment where he sat, but he did take notice to a sudden crash, and slamming of doors that stood out from the rest.

    Doctor Christopher jumped, clearly taking notice to the noise. “Oh, dear! What on earth was that?” He held his palm to his heart dramatically.

    Before Dalton could do as much as shrug, the door burst open again. However, this time it yielded not to Abraham, but to another man. He wore the same exact uniform as Abraham did, however the man was much shorter and looked several years younger than the ill-tempered intern. In his hands was a small clipboard, from which a ballpoint pen attached to a chain was dangling. His messy black bangs were draped over his face, nearly covering his bespectacled eyes.

    “Doctor…!” the man shouted to Christopher breathlessly, as if he had just finished a marathon. “…. Young girl…. just came in… needs… immediate…”

    “Hold your horses there, Greg! We can’t understand a word you’re saying!” Christopher chuckled.

    Without hesitation, the man collapsed into the chair that was standing by the doorway, and took a single deep breath.

    As the man rested, Christopher turned to Dalton and whispered in his ear, “By the way, that’s Greg! He works at the front desk in the lobby!”

    Dalton nodded, as if he understood. Greg,

    “And nobody but me knows the amounts of high blood pressure this brings every single day!” Greg said. The man had now stood up, and was now making his way toward Christopher. He leaned over to the doctor, with an unusually urgent and concerned expression etched onto his face. He didn’t make an effort to keep his voice quiet.

    “A girl just got sent in. Ten years old, at the maximum. Apparently she had been battling the gym leader, Roark, when Darkrai had come upon them.”

    The smile on Christopher’s face began to slowly fade away.

    At this, Christopher gasped. “Oh my! What happened to that poor girl? Is she all right?”

    Greg shrugged. “Well, it’s obvious what happened to her, isn’t it? Darkrai came in, bursting the whole front entrance to the gym open, smack in the middle of their battle. Put them both to sleep, as well as the rest of the people who were watching the battle.”

    “Well, I had expected Roark to do at least something to stop Darkrai. After all, he is the gym leader!” Doctor Christopher piped up.

    “Nobody can stand up to a giganto pokemon who’s up in your face ready to shoot at you at any second. Face it,” said Greg, folding his arms.

    “True…” Christopher agreed, rubbing his chin in deep thought.

    “Anyway, I’ve got the girl and Roark up on the second floor in Room 167, an-” Greg began, but he was cut off by a gasping Christopher.

    “You mean that Roark is in here? Here, in Oreburgh Central Hospital?” There was rising joy in Christopher’s voice as he looked at Greg hopefully.

    “Well, of course, Doctor!” Greg said. “Where else would he be?”

    “Oh, nothing…!” Christopher stammered, staring at the floor. “It’s just that Roark is my favorite gym leader and such…”

    At this, Greg started to laugh. Dalton too, couldn’t help but suppress a chuckle.

    “Then this is your lucky day, my friend! The problem is, though, it’s not Roark’s lucky day. Or that poor girl’s,” Greg said. In one second, all the humor had vanished from his tone.

    “And why is that?” asked Christopher.

    “Because! Without something to wake them up, or Roark and that poor girl are as good as dead! They’ll be sleeping for an eternity without something to wake them!” In a huff, Greg began pacing the room in panic and distress, hands behind his back.

    Christopher just smiled as he watched Greg. He then turned to Dalton. “Why don’t you show Greg what you found the day before?”

    Dalton felt the cool edges of the Lunar Wing against his palm. Given no other choice, he held the glistening wing up for Greg to see.

    The man’s eyes widened. “That’s the… Why, that’s the Lunar Wing!” He stammered, turning to Dalton. “How on earth did you find this?”

    Dalton sighed, knowing exactly what would come next.

    “I found it on the ground while I was walking in Route 203.”

    For a few moments, Greg remained silent. An instant later, the man was on the floor laughing so hard, that Dalton was sure he’d suffocate at any moment.


    “But I did!” Dalton persisted to the man, “Why won’t you believe me?” Christopher gave Dalton a pat on the back.

    “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault! He asked, you answered! And this is what he gets for asking.”

    Dalton looked at Christopher questioningly, for he had not understood a single word Christopher had said.

    It took Greg a few minutes to stop laughing. When he had finally collected himself into one piece, he came over to Christopher once more, his face red with embarrassment.

    “Sorry about that. I just can’t figure out how this man can find a rarity like that on the ground! It’s just not natural!” he apologized. “Anyway, do you think I could borrow that for a few minutes?” Greg asked, turning to Dalton.

    “Um… sure, I guess…” Dalton handed the Lunar Wing over to Greg, who still had a tint of disbelief in his expression as he flipped it in his small hands.

    “Well!” Christopher spoke up, “Now that we have that taken care of… who here has a paper and pen I can borrow?” he asked, giving both Greg and Dalton a questioning look.

    Greg sighed. “Hold your horses, Christopher!” he said, in a perfect imitation of what Christopher had said to him when he had came into the room, “If you can just wait a few more hours, I promise you we’ll have Roark wide awake!”

    “You got it!” Christopher said brightly.

    “Oh, and we have a soldier’s uniform in the dryer for some reason. Any idea on whose it might be before I toss it out?” Greg said as he turned for the door.

    “Oh, um… I guess that’s mine,” Dalton stammered. “When can I have it back?”

    A grin spread across Greg’s face. “In that case, hurry up and get dressed, young man!”

    “Yes, sir,” Dalton said.
    Last edited by Haruka of Hoenn; 8th December 2007 at 2:09 AM.

  23. #23
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    Only two bits of grammar that caught my attention:

    “I can assure you all those objects were put to…. uh…. a very good use!” he assured.
    who would have lost an eye if he hadn’t put his hands up
    Wow... the wait was long but it was definitely worth it There's another (now infamous fic) that has a well-known crazy and random character, but let it be known that Doc Christopher predates that one. I actually prefer his style of crazy antics, because they're amusing and entertaining but not too over the top, like a certain other fanfic character on these forums. Overall it makes for a very enjoyable read. Of course, I've been pleasantly surprised with this fic from the start, and I've been able to talk with the author at length about both of our respective fics and
        Spoiler:- SPOILER FOR BOTH FICS:


    Because I feel I'm obligated to note one area of improvement, I'll just say that there were opportunities to show the thoughts of the characters. A couple of examples:
    “Maybe…” Christopher rocked back and forth on his feet, hands behind his back.

    "Oh, boy... here it comes now... He's gonna blow his top in three... two... one..."

    At this moment, Dalton’s hands were up in the air, ready to be slammed against his ears. He had been expecting an explosion equal to the one back in Route 203, but surprisingly it did not come. Abraham, too, looked ready to implode, but instead he just sighed and sulked his shoulders, deciding that it was no use.
    And,
    The man’s eyes widened. “That’s the… Why, that’s the Lunar Wing!” He stammered, turning to Dalton. “How on earth did you find this?”

    Dalton sighed, knowing exactly what would come next. "He isn't gonna believe me... He'll probably think I'm crazy or something..."

    “I found it on the ground while I was walking in Route 203.”
    It seems like a small thing, but used well, thoughts can really bring out a character's personality.

    Now, for the highlights of the chapter:

    Originally, it had contained a stack of three, golden-brown buttermilk pancakes, a tall glass of creamy white milk, a polished red apple, and to top it all off, a plain paper napkin folded into a complicated, professional-looking form of a Walrein, which was balancing what appeared to be a giant pokeball on its nose.
    Talk about five-star service! And who says hospitals don't offer gourmet dining?

    “Oh, Abraham!” Christopher brought his palms to his face, clearly worried. “You didn’t drink chocolate milk before going to bed again, did you?”

    Hearing this phrase, Abraham exploded like a bomb, only with ten times more impact.

    “I didn’t GO to bed, you imbecile! I spent all last night waking all the helpless victims with that Lunar Wing on your orders, and now they’re complaining for food! There’s a riot going on in the lobby as we speak!”
    LOL!!! Poor Abraham... always having to clean up after Christopher's "messes," so to speak.

    “Hike!” Christopher shrieked, in a bad imitation of a professional quarterback. Taking a stance, he attempted to spiral the Lunar Wing to Dalton, who would have lost an eye in he hadn’t put his hands up to catch the Wing.
    I know of several college football teams that would be dying for Christopher's talent!

    I enjoyed this chapter very much, late as it might have been (and the delay is understandable) and I'm looking forward to the next one! Of course, because my characters will be appearing next time, but throughout this has been a pleasure to read
    Last edited by DarkPersian479; 20th October 2007 at 10:32 PM.

  24. #24
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    Nyah, new chapter~

    Well, I really like any interactions involving the doc and Abraham. They're like the original odd couple. XD

    Only thing that kinda bothers me about this fic is that for a Pokemon fanfic, it hasn't really greatly involved any Pokemon other than Darkrai yet. D=

    The Gym - Brock is an incompetent gym leader. Hilarity ensues.

  25. #25
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    Dec 2004
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    Alrighty then, lets have a look at Deeds of Darkness. Firstly, a good title, intriguing even if the ‘darkness’ part is a little cliché. Still it draws me in.

    While I do applaud your effort in good description the first sentence is going overboard. It’s so cluttered with adjective and adverbs it just doesn’t flow right. In writing, sometimes less is more. Its using the least amount of words with the greatest amount of impact. Some of these words are synonyms so aren’t necessary. Ditto with the word repletion of ‘began’. Rereading will pick these things up. While it may sound poetic the reader has to slough through it to get to the necessary details. This is called Purple Prose writing and is to be avoided as much as scripty writing.

    For example your first paragraph while still giving the same imagery in the readers head could be rearranged

    The dark clouds that hung over Sinnoh like a heavy blanket to gradually faded as the first rays of dawn pierced them. Soon people and pokemon would wake from their slumber and as the light cast across the landscape the ocean melted from murky black to sparkling blue.


    Still your ahead of most first time writers by a mile, but to avoid the purple prose once you’ve reached this stage go back through your writing and delete the chunky or clichéd descriptions (like ‘pitch black’). Sometimes the less dramatic words like ‘murky’ instead of ‘pitch’ will have more effect because they’re more realistic to the reader.

    Dark fics tend to be more sinister because they take a more realistic take on their story, because reality is far more disturbing then the cute little snapshot life the anime paints. So if you want the full effect use earth logic rather than ‘it’s prettier’ approach.

    Pokémon are a good example. Rather then impressing human qualities on them, think of them like animals with their own little niche. They can’t all be diurnal and animals, except for big predators rarely sleep as we do. Having eight hours of ‘deep slumber’ isn’t the best survival strategy, nor would ‘dancing’ out on the surface where there’s a whole lot above you and a whole lot below you where attacks can come from. Nature isn’t savage but it is heartless. If you can think of it that way your audience will be that more creeped out and more likely to think ‘that could happen!!!’ Basically most behaviour can be narrowed down to the pursuit of food, safety or sex.

    Similarly, if something is of importance it’s going to have a name just for the purpose of cartography and mapping, especially one of infamy. Again, try and get the mix of realism and artistic license just right so the reader can accept both.

    It’s a fantastic introduction. You have the basics down pat. Spelling, punctuation and paragraphing, all perfect. However the dark atmosphere being painted isn’t having all the impact it could because it’s just a little too over-described, over-dramatised. When in doubt, close your eyes and imagine what would happen if it everything was set here on earth. In your minds eye, don’t imagine it as an anime but as a live-action.

    I hope my crit hasn’t discouraged you in anyway. Honestly, it’s a brilliant start to a fic but if ever there’s a rewrite perhaps use these hints to refine what’s already a gem.

    ~Cheers

    Tez
    PS. I wrote this offline a while ago and forgot but thought you might appreciate it nether the less. I've got more on the other chapters if you'd like them too.



    Caboose I swear to god, if you say anything positive I will kill all three of us right now! ~Church, currently Red vs Blue Obsessed!

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