Ever wonder what would happen if a cynical idiot joined up in a quest with an obnoxious Mary-Sue? You're about to find out. Rated PG-13 for language. Some crude humor involved.
The Version of R/S/E You Didn’t See
(A/N: To avoid confusion, please consider the following. First off, all the misspellings in this story are here on purpose. They have EVERYTHING to do with the plot, as does the script format of the story. Secondly, yes, this is a silly little parody meant to entertain, but it also carries a message within it that I believe you roleplayers out there will appreciate. Thirdly, you may feel a little lost right at the beginning. Relax, it’s intended to be that way and will clear up quite quickly. Thank you, and enjoy! ^_^)
"ok this is an rpg u go arond fiting peeps n aim 2 be pokmon master of the honn regin!!!!!
ruls dont sware dont dubl post hav fun"
Hmm . . . something's gone terribly wrong. I just felt a mass-disturbance in the atmosphere . . . as though a great evil has just been unleashed from its restraints, to wreak terrible havoc upon the world as we know it. This could throw off the balance of the uni-
nam: Kenta Macauttum, last I checked.
age: Sixteen . . . wait a second, what the hell is this? Why the hell am I filling out some weird application sheet all of a sudden?!
pokmon: What's a pokmon? Oh, they must mean Poke'Mon. Wait, why do I have to reveal this? It's none of your business!
Doesn't have a- . . . -cause the god has awa- . . . osing connec-
. . . this doesn't make sense. I'm trying to have an adventure here. Is some buttwipe trying to twist reality on me? Hey! Whoever you are, quit it!
Quit it . . . quit it . . . . . . . quit it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Prologue . . .
Hey, nice to finally be talking to you, if you could call this talking. My name’s Kenta Macauttum, and I’m a Poke’Mon trainer. I just bought you at Walmart for six bucks. Why Walmart? Well, Walmart’s taking over the world, just like George Dubya Bush and his cronies, so there’s really nowhere else to shop nowadays. But that’s not the point- I’ve decided to keep a trainer’s journal so that I could have something to talk to. I already have a companion, but that’s precisely WHY I need someone to talk to; because there’s no way in Hell I’m gonna be able to keep my sanity speaking to this girl. Her name’s Mary-Sue, and she just started following me the other day, for no apparent reason.
Kenta: Hey, look Combusken . . . there’s some girl following us for no apparent reason.
Woah, I’m going too fast! Let's just start with the formal introductions. I’m a beginner trainer who’s just started off in the Hoenn region, and so far I’ve already gotten my first badge. I’m writing here in Rustboro City, Poke’Mon Center to be precise, and I guess I should add that I’ve got a team of four Poke’Mon so far. Combusken’s my starter, followed up by Ralts, Slakoth and Nincada. As for me personally, I’m a martial arts trainee. I’m sixteen years old, and I’ve already gotten my black belt in karate, along with my own sword (er, not too clear on why I have that, though.) Heh, not bad huh? Some of my friends call me an egotistical maniac, but who doesn't like talking about himself-? Well whatever, point is, I’m not like those other helpless little kid trainers, like that Brendan nut who likes the ‘white-haired old geezer’ look, and May what's-her-name, who seems to have two bent antennas poking out of her little bandana. They couldn’t defend themselves for crap. But speaking of which, and getting back to the story, that’s when I first met Mary-Sue . . . in Rustboro, a helpless-looking little eight-year-old girl.
Mary-Sue: hi im marysu
Kenta: Uh . . . hi.
Mary-Sue: hey can I join u
Mary-Sue: ur a pokmon traner can I com with u
Kenta: What’s with the bad grammar? And no, I’m going it alone.
Mary-Sue: oh cmon I wont get in the way I proms
Kenta: Um . . . you’re five-foot nothing, and you have no Poke’Mon.
Mary-Sue: ya I do I hav a richu a sucune a espeon and a artcuno
Kenta: Right, sure you do . . . look, your parents are probably worried about you, and they might think I’m a child-crazy pervert if they see me talking to you like this, so maybe it would be a good idea for you to go home now.
Mary-Sue: I was abandoned as a schild I got rased by celebi and now im a pokmn traner
Kenta: You’re not even old enough to be a trainer . . .
Mary-Sue: whatever im going wit u ill help u in any battles agenst the badguys
Kenta: What badguys?
I did eventually let Mary-Sue join me, but that was only because she had the Rustboro gym badge (she probably stole it) and a Raichu, like she said. But I asked that we call it a night first, since it was evening out at the time (it’s night now, even though the sky isn’t any darker than it would be in the day.) Anyway, now would be a good time to finish up the writing, since I'm tired, but I’ll input more tomorrow evening. Until then,
*** Chapter 1: Giv Us Al Ur Pokmon ***
Hey, it’s me again (what, you were expecting Larry the Cable Guy?), and I’m writing tonight in the Poke’Mon Center of Dewford Island. You know . . . that place with all the weird trend-slaves. Yeah, that’s right, everyone here is nuts. But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself again. Let’s go back to where I left off yesterday; Rustboro City. Mary-Sue and I were just doubling back through the Petalburg Forest . . .
Kenta: Eww! I think I stepped in dog doo!
Mary-Sue: dats totaly dicusting
Kenta: Laugh it up, chicken boy . . .
Anyway, we did a little training through the forest and pretty much slaughtered every Poke’Mon in the forest. Ah, heh-heh,
(^_^; ) we kinda left a trail of Poke’Mon behind us.
Kenta: Good job, Nincada! I think you’ve practiced enough for one day . . .
*Scene shifts to a bunch of fainted Slakoth, Silcoon and Cascoon, Wurmple, and other Nincada, strewn all over the ground*
Mary-Sue: hey look theres the exet *Points to a light in between the trees showing the way out, and sure enough, there’s an exit sign nailed to one of the trees for no apparent reason*
Kenta: Freakin’ awesome! I was getting kinda hot and sweaty in that forest, and I’m pretty sure a Wurmple crawled up my pant leg back there . . . either that or he was crawling down, which frankly, I don’t even wanna think about.
Mary-Sue: lets ask mr briteny for a rid 2 th iland
Kenta: God, it’s hard to understand what the hell you’re saying! And how do you know there’s a guy named Mr. Britany that lives in that hut?
Mary-Sue: i dont no lets ask him
Kenta: Hmm . . . *Finds a sign glued to the door* “Sorry, my Wingull ran away from home again, so I’ll be back whenever.” . . . it ran?
Mary-Sue: *Running inside* mr briteny?????? were r u we ned a rid
Kenta: Were you listening to a word I just said? *Goes inside* Hey, we shouldn’t be breaking into this guy’s . . . er . . . ramshackled little piece of crap hut without permission . . .
Mary-Sue: hey lok wat i found in the kichen *Holds up a cookbook*
Kenta: “Happy Chef’s Guide: Twenty Ways to Cook a Sea Bird” . . . no wonder the Wingull made a break for it. Well, NOW how are we gonna get to Dewford Island?
Mystery Voice 1: hahahaha lets grab that wingul
Mystery Voice 2: hahaahaha ok
Kenta: Hey, uh . . . Mary-Sue, what’s with the cheesy evil laughter?
Mary-Sue: its not me i heer somthing outsid
Kenta: Wait, you mean there are MORE people with bad grammar in their speeches? *Looks further up the dialogue script* Oh. The Mystery Voice people. I can’t believe I didn’t see their names. *Reads script again* Wait, they’re here to take this guy’s Wingull? Don’t those morons know how to READ? And since when has a Wingull been worth jack as a Poke’Mon anyway?
*The door flies off its hinges and smashes down onto the ground, revealing two people in Team Aqua uniforms. Cue astonished gasp sound effect.*
Mary-Sue: geez u dint hav 2 bang it open so hrd
Kenta: Actually, I think he only pushed it open gently, and the sissy hinges just broke like graham crackers . . . either that, or he was too stupid to turn the doorknob.
Aqua 2: shut up brat im leros
Aqua 1: and im kaira and were teem aqwa
Kenta: Uh-HUH . . . I thought Halloween had come a little too early this year.
Leros: shut up brat and-
Kenta: You just said that! I’m BORED already!
Kaira: give us al ur pokmon
Kenta: Okay, here you are . . . sike! *Flings Poke’Ball* You’re up, Slakoth! Combusken, you go kick their asses too!
Leros: hahahahaha ur pokmon r week go mityena
Kaira go crawdant
Kenta: A Mightyena and Crawdaunt-? . . . oh, sh-
So I was screwed. Despite how dumb these Aquas were, they actually had pretty good Poke’Mon. Well . . . better than mine, anyway. Due to some random knowledge that I got from some unknown source, I've decided Crawdaunt and Mightyena suck, but they didn't suck right then. And I was just getting really beaten on when Mary-Sue did something that made me lose all confidence as a man. If you don't mind, I'm now gonna flash back for the third time in less than two minutes.
Leros: mityena us crunch
Kaira: crawdant vicegrip
Kenta: Alright, even though you guys are hopelessly slower and will never get an attack out . . . Combusken, Double Kick, Slakoth . . . oh dammit, don't do that Traunt thing on me now!
Slakoth: Slaaaaaa . . .
Mary-Sue: ill save u kenta go sucun us surf
Suicune: CUUUUUUUNE! *Surf*
Leros/Kaira: aaaaaaaaaaaa we giv up ull pay 4 this next tim
Mary-Sue: whew that was clos u ok kenta
Kenta: . . . .
Kenta: Is that Suicune?!
Kenta: Where the @#$% did you get a SUICUNE??!!
Mary-Sue: i told u i had it now lets go 2 iland
Kenta: Wait! Woah, woah, woah! I've put up with a lot of your weirdness already; your underage possession of Poke'Mon, your odd bad-grammar dialect, and your story about being raised by Celebi, but this crosses the line! We're not taking another step until you tell me-
Mary-Sue: *Already riding her Suicune on the water* u commin
Kenta: *Blinks* H-hey, don't leave without me!
So with one Surf attack, Mary-Sue's Suicune (can those words even be used together in a sentence like that?) took out the Aquas, with their own element. I still don't get why they were stalking around old man Britany's hut in the first place, or where the water for Surf came, or why it knocked out both the Aquas' Poke'Mon (especially their Crawdaunt) but didn't even injure them. But you know what? If I thought the world was smoking pot by then, I had yet to see just how bad it was on Dewford Island. Despite the fact that it should've taken us four or five hours to get from the Petalburg beach shore to Dewford, we made it there in a little over a minute. And that's including the random Poke'Mon battles we had along the way.
*Scene shifts to a whole line of Tentacool passed out in the water, looking like bobbers floating on the waves*
Kenta: Alright Ralts, nice work. Take a breather.
Mary-Sue: lok were here
Kenta: Are you serious?? Man . . . that was fast. Hey, I never noticed it before, but you can see your reflection in the water. Heh, where have I been all my life?
Mary-Sue: ya u can c urself
Kenta: I never thought about it, but I have a giant head . . . I'm like a powerpuff girl, only not as bug-eyed. Heh, sometimes I wonder how they support all that weight.
Mary-Sue: same way u do lets go fite braly
Kenta: Wait, how did you know the gym leader here was named Brawly?
Mary-Sue: hurry up
Kenta: . . . why do I even bother?
Random guy: Hi! I like what's hip, happening, and trendy! Listen, have you heard about these new Spoink Muffins? Of course you have!
Kenta: Um, hello. Odd way to break the ice.
Random guy: I mean come on, Spoink Muffins . . . it's the hottest thing in cool! No matter where you go, Spoink Muffins is the-
Kenta: EXCUSE ME! Are you high or something? You're going on about . . . about some 'Spoink Muffins' . . . and I don't even know who the hell you are!
Random guy: My name's Random Guy! Aren't you paying attention to the script?
Kenta: I'm not sure I can trust the script anymore . . . I've already seen three people in it with the worst grammar in the history of language arts. And what idiot names their kid 'Random Guy'?
Random Guy: Hey, if I had a name, the makers of this game would have given me one.
Kenta: Game? What game? Are you @#$%ing insane??
Random Guy: Spoink muffins, spoink muffins, spoink muffins, spoink muffins!!
Mary-Sue: lol hes crazy
Kenta: (Note to self . . . avoid eye contact with every civilian in this town . . . and maybe the gym leader, too.)
Okay, well anyway, the day ended right after we checked in to the local Poke'Mon Center, even though I didn't get to have any meals and we were supposed to still have a good thirteen hours of sunlight left. I've decided not to question it, because it's kind of pointless. But I'm calling it a night, and by tomorrow, my Poke'Mon should be healed enough to take on Brawly at the gym. Badge 2, here I come! . . . if I don't get eaten by a wild Krabby or some random event like that.