Page 1 of 6 12345 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 147

Thread: Pokemon:The Sinnoh Adventure!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default Pokemon:The Sinnoh Adventure!

    I did write this fic before but I stopped and all my ideas were gone so I decided to write it again


    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter One: The Bet Is On!


    The Sinnoh region is widely inhabited by Pokemon of many species like every other country around it. Unlike the other countries Sinnoh is basically one big landmass with three major lakes. The Sinnoh region is divided in half by a large mountain. If a person decides to, at the age of twelve anyone can set out on a Pokemon journey. Most set out to become Pokemon Master. Others want to be a Master Pokemon Coordinator and others just like being out with their faithful campaions. All Trainers start out with one of the region’s starter Pokemon that they get from a Pokemon Professor. The Sinnoh region’s Professor was Professor Rowan, who happened to be getting the Pokemon for the three new Trainers coming in the next day.

    “Are you ready for tomorrow?” asked a boy who seemed to be near the age of twelve.

    “Of course I am,” replied another boy of the same age.

    These two boys were Jyharri Ahmed and Noe Sagredo, two boys from Twinleaf Town who were about to become Trainers. Jyharri wore a red, button-up shirt with a black undershirt and blue jeans. He has black spiky hair and he always wears an official Pokemon League hat, and Jyharri never goes anywhere with his white and blue tennis shoes. Noe has similar attire. There are differences, but they are very little. His jacket is green, and he doesn’t wear a hat. Noe’s hair is a brownish-blonde and is always worn down.

    “Do you know which one you’re going to choose?” asked Jyharri
    “Can you remind me which ones there are that we can pick again?” Noe asked after thinking for a bit.

    Jyharri just gave a little chuckle and began explaining the Pokemon they can choose in the Sinnoh region.

    “There’s Chimchar, the fire type,” started Jyharri, “It’s basically a monkey, but it can use fire type moves. Also instead of a tail Chimchar has a fireball on its backside.”

    “That’s cool.” Noe commented.

    “Then there’s Piplup, the water type. Piplup looks like a baby penguin because, well it basically is. And last but not least is Turtwig, the grass type. Turtwig is a turtle with a plant coming out of its head.”

    Jyharri took a breath as he finished explaining the starter Pokemon. Noe had started thinking about what Pokemon he wanted.

    “I think I’ll go with, no.” Noe said after awhile.

    “Well you have all day to think about it.” Jyharri pointed out.

    “You’re right,” said Noe, “I’ll think about it tonight.”

    “Whatever you choose I’ll be able to beat you,” said a voice.

    Noe and Jyharri looked around for the source of the voice and they found a girl who wore a black tank top with a bandana, which had a white pokeball on it, a pink skirt, and black and pink shoes.

    “I am going to beat you both without having to put on new lip gloss” the girl said.

    “If it isn’t Kristi, the biggest snob in Twinleaf Town,” Noe said coolly.

    “I’m also the smartest out of our graduating class.” Kristi added just as cool.

    “Now guys, can’t we just get along until tomorrow?” pleaded Jyharri.

    “Why tomorrow?” Noe asked.

    “Tomorrow we all will be official Pokemon Trainers and then you two can battle each other until the Miltank come home.”

    “You’re right,” said Kristi. “How about tomorrow at noon on Route 201?”

    “What do you want me there for?” Noe asked trying to follow what was going on.

    “I’m challenging you to a battle you dimwit!”

    “Oh!” Noe exclaimed, finally understanding. “I accept your challenge, and whoever loses has to buy the other lunch.”

    “Deal,” Kristi said.

    They shook on it confirming the bet that would be fulfilled the next day.

    “You’re on snob,” Noe said through a smile.

    “Can’t wait to beat you dumbbell,” replied Kristi.

    “Why you little….” Noe started

    Jyharri really wasn’t paying much attention to his squabbling friends, but he was thinking about what Pokemon he would pick. They all seemed wonderful to him, but he could only choose one. He knew this was going to be a hard choice. When he finally came back down to Earth he started to hear his friends calling each other names, he wouldn’t dare repeat, when Jyharri heard,

    “Jyharri! It’s six’ o clock! Time for you to come home!”

    It was his mother calling him in. After all, he did have a big day ahead of him.

    “I’ll be there in a minute!” Jyharri yelled back to his mother.

    “Guys I got to go,” Jyharri told his chattering allies.

    “Well, see you tomorrow,” Noe and Kristi in unison.

    Jyharri walked to his house to find his mom waiting outside.

    “Hi Mom.” Jyharri greeted her.

    “Excited about tomorrow?” she asked him.

    “You bet I am.” Jyharri assured her.

    “Well, whatever you decide I want you to know I will always be cheering for you.”

    Jyharri smiled, went inside to find the nice, familiar look of his front room. His house was fairly smaller then the other houses in the neighborhood, but Jyharri liked it. He started to go towards the stairs when he stopped to look at his families’ photos. The first one had his mom in it with a Charmeleon on a stage accepting a big trophy. His mom had won the Kanto grand festival. The next photo had a boy that looked a lot like Jyharri in it. It was his father, who had won the Hoen Pokemon League. Jyharri never really knew his father. All he knew was that he was a boy from Johto that had lost the Silver Conference, and he ended up going to Hoen and winning that League. The last thing Jyharri’s mom told him about his father was that he also came to Kanto to challenge the Gyms and try his luck in the Indigo League. While traveling he met his mother and decided to give up on the Indigo League to come to Sinnoh and have a family. When Jyharri was two years old, his dad was called back to Johto on a classified trip. He hasn’t come back or even called to check up on Jyharri and his mother. The last photo was of Jyharri when he was little. He seemed to be happy and straight forward. Now he is always sarcastic and sometimes has to lie to get out of problems. After looking at all the photos he just went straight to his room and set his Chatot alarm clock for 8’ o clock so that he would be ready for the biggest day of his young life.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Here is Chapter 2:The Bet Is Fulfilled!

    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 2: The Bet Is Fulfilled!Jyharri had been thinking hard about which Pokemon he was going to pick the following morning. He hadn’t the faintest idea who he was going to pick. They all seemed nice to him. Whoever he picked, they would be his partner for a long time. He even had a weird dream about what happened after he picked his Pokemon.

    He was on a route about to battle a male trainer.

    “Go!” the Trainer cried.

    He threw an orb like shape up in the air. The orb opened and a white light shot out. When the light hit the ground it materialized into a woodchuck. It has two large incisors, a red nose, and fluffy fur.

    “Bidoof,” said the creature.

    “Alright,” Jyharri had said. “Go Turtwig!”

    He also threw up the same orb. This time when the white light materialized it was a green and yellow turtle of sorts with a big jaw and a plant coming out of its head. It had a shell on its back that is brown and black.

    “Go!” Jyharri cried, “Razor Leaf!”

    The creature called Turtwig had shot out leaves that went flying at the other Trainer’s Bidoof.

    “Dodge!” he commanded.

    The Pokemon easily moved away from the incoming leaves.

    “Now, Head butt!” the Trainer told Bidoof.

    Bidoof went charging at Turtwig head down. When the attack connected Turtwig vanished. The next thing Jyharri knows is that he is now about to battle another Trainer, but this time the Trainer was a girl.

    “Let’s go Shinx!” she yelled.

    Out of the ball came a cat like Pokemon this time. It resembles a lion cub. It has large oval ears that stick out from the sides of its head. It has large yellow eyes with yellow pupils. Its nose is red. Its tail ends in what appears to be a four-pointed star. It has bands of yellow fur around its forelegs, just above the paws. It has a black ring of fur around its neck, which has two downward-facing points in the middle.

    “Come on Chimchar!” yelled Jyharri.

    A chimpanzee came out of Jyharri’s Pokeball. It had a flame on its backside where a tail should be. It was mainly orange and tan.

    “Go, Ember!” he commanded.

    The Chimchar opened his mouth and unleashed a flurry of fireballs upon Shinx. Shinx took all the hits and as soon as it opened its mouth all Jyharri heard was,

    “Chatot! Chatot! Chatot!”

    He bolted upright in his bed wiping his eyes. As soon as he took a sniff he smelled something delicious. He knew his mom had basically cooked him a buffet. Jyharri knew his mom was going to miss him and he was definitely going to miss her, but this was something he always wanted to do and now he had the chance to. He ran to his bathroom, quickly brushed his teeth, jumped in the shower for about five minutes, put on his red jacket with his black undershirt, jeans, and official Pokemon League hat and bolted down stairs.

    “What’s cooking Ma’” he said as soon as he reached the table.

    “Oh,” she said acting like she didn’t notice him. “I’m just making breakfast for Joey.”

    “Joey?” Jyharri questioned. “The kid three doors down?”

    “Yeah,” she said.

    “Then what do I get?”

    “That.”

    She pointed at a brown sack bag that sat next to his Pokemon League backpack.

    “What is it?” he asked.

    “A sandwich and an apple,” his mother told him.

    Jyharri looked at her in disbelief. He couldn’t believe she was just giving him a sandwich and an apple to start his journey with.

    “If you don’t want it I’ll give that to Joey too.” she said seriously.

    “No I’ll take it.” replied Jyharri.

    Just then the doorbell rang. Jyharri ran to the door and opened it slowly as he was dizzy from getting up to fast. It was Noe.

    “Hey,” he said. “Let’s go get our Pokemon. We have to go all the way to Sandgem Town. ”

    “Ok, hold on.”

    He ran back inside, put on his shoes and told his mom he would be back later. When he got back to the door Noe was already half way down the street. Not wanting to, Jyharri ran to catch up to Noe.

    “So,” Noe said suddenly after about ten minutes of silent walking, “Do you know who you’re going to pick?”

    “No.” Jyharri said sadly.

    “Don’t worry.” Noe tried to comfort him. “No one really knows who they’re going to pick at first.”

    Without even realizing they had reached the lab in Sandgem Town already, but Noe was the only one who stopped and looked.

    “Uh, Jyharri,” Noe called, but it was too late.

    Jyharri had kept walking and went Smack!!! into the wall of the lab.

    “Ouch.” Jyharri uttered.

    “You guys really are defuses.” said a voice.

    Noe turned around sharply, while Jyharri turned very slowly, to see a girl in a blue and black jacket and blue skirt with long blonde and brown hair in a bandanna.

    “What do you want Kristi?” Noe demanded.

    “The battle.” she said like it was obvious. “You did get your Pokemon right?”

    “Not yet.” Noe told her. “But when I get mine I will beat you into the ground.”

    “Whatever.” she told Noe giving him an attitude. “I’ll see you later Jyharri.” she told him sweetly.

    “See ya.” replied Jyharri.

    Kristi walked off happily, almost with a skip in her step.

    “Well, let’s go get our Pokemon” Jyharri said, as Noe was still glaring at Kristi walking away.

    “Ok, but don’t take to long picking.” he said. “I want to crush her!”

    They walked up to the open gates and walked through to the big oak front door. They knocked and waited for someone to answer.

    “Professor,” Noe and Jyharri heard from inside, “The other new Trainers are here!”

    “Well let them in!” said a gruff voice.

    The doors opened to reveal a very nice looking place. There were books upon books upon books crammed on shelves.
    “Hello!” what clearly appeared to be a lab assistant said.

    He wore a green button up shirt, tan pants, and a lab coat.

    “Hey,” Noe and Jyharri said in unison.

    “Welcome! Come in, come in!”

    Being inside was even better than seeing it from the outside. The lab was huge. It was even bigger than Noe’s and Jyharri’s house put together. There were thousands of books, which Jyharri guessed must have been on Pokemon.

    “This way,” said the assistant.

    He showed them to a table which had two remaining balls on it.

    “These are the only remaining Pokemon left,” said the assistant.

    “I’m taking Turtwig!” Noe said as he quickly grabbed the ball.

    “That means you get Chimchar.” The assistant told Jyharri.

    “That’s cool.” the boy replied.

    He picked up the ball that contained his new companion.

    “Fine choices,” said the gruff voice from behind.

    They turned to see a fairly old man with a grey mustache. He wore brown pants, a grey button up shirt, and a brown trench coat.

    “My name is Professor Rowan.”

    “Hello.” The boys said.

    “Now you can’t start a Pokemon Journey without these.” he gestured toward his assistant.

    He had a tray that had about five of the orb like balls. There were also two devices that looked like a bent out of shape cell phone. One was red and one was blue. Noe and Jyharri walked over to the assistant.

    “Your Pokeballs and Pokedexes.” said the assistant.

    “The Pokedex records data on any Pokemon you see,” explained the Professor.

    “That’s cool.” commented Noe.

    Jyharri and Noe took them from the assistant and started to head for the door.

    “I want to hear how your Pokedexes are coming along every once in awhile.” Professor Rowan said as he led them to the door.

    “Ok,” Noe and Jyharri said.

    They gave their thanks and said their goodbyes, but Jyharri couldn’t help but think what was going to happen on his Journey.

    “Let’s go meet Kristi for your battle.” Jyharri told Noe.

    “Let’s go.” Noe said.

    After waiting for fifteen minutes on the route, the boys finally saw Kristi walking down the road.

    “Hey dofus,” Kristi called to Noe.

    “Let’s just get this over with snob.” Noe said with a little malice in his voice.

    They both got on a side of the route and held their Pokeballs, which contained their first Pokemon.

    “Go!” they both yelled throwing their pokeballs in the air.

    Both of them popped open and the same white light came shooting out of them. On Noe’s side out came the little turtle called Turtwig.

    “Turtwig.” it said happily.

    On Kristi’s side when the light materialized there was a penguin. It has a layer of fine down covering its body. It has a dark to normal blue collar on its neck with two white buttons placed on its belly.

    “Piplup.” it said.

    Jyharri figured this would be a good time to try out his new Pokedex. It took him awhile, but he finally figured out that its screen flipped up. He pointed it at Piplup.

    “Piplup,” his Pokedex said in a boring voice, “The Penguin Pokemon. Despite their cute appearance, Piplup are very proud Pokémon that dislike receiving food from their trainers.”

    Jyharri also pointed his Pokedex at Turtwig.

    “Turtwig,” it droned, “The Turtle Pokemon. The soil-based shell on its back grows stronger when it absorbs water. Turtwig survives by carrying out photosynthesis with its whole body.”

    Jyharri looked impressed, but now he wanted to concentrate on the oncoming battle.

    “Turtwig,” Noe started, “Tackle!”

    Turtwig ran at Piplup ready to collide with it.
    “Dodge Piplup,” Kristi told her Pokemon.

    Piplup jumped on Turtwig’s shell and jumped off to avoid its attack.

    “Now turn around and use Peck!” Kristi yelled.

    Piplup turned around and started to peck Turtwig with its little beak.

    “Piplup, pip,” Piplup cried.

    “Turtwig get it off you!” Noe commanded.

    “Turt!” Turtwig swung his head around and it came in full contact with Piplup’s face. Piplup was sent flying back about six inches.

    “Piplup, finish it with Bubblebeam!” Kristi told her Piplup.

    “Piplup,” Piplup nodded.

    “A water attack like that isn’t going to do that much damage.” Noe informed Kristi.

    Piplup reeled its head back and opened its beak to unleash a barrage of bubbles. Turtwig didn’t move and got hit hard. So hard it ended up flying into a nearby tree. Its eyes started to swirl indicating that the battle was over.

    “Return Turtwig.” Noe said glumly, holding up Turtwig’s Pokeball recalling it back inside. “You did well.”

    “Um, Jyharri,” Kristi said, “You were quiet the whole battle. What did you think?”

    “That was awesome.” he told her. “You’ve got some skills.”

    “Thanks.” Kristi giggled.

    “Fine,” Noe said, still by the tree. “Lunch is on me.”

    “Forget about it.” Kristi told him. “I’ll buy my own lunch. Bye Jyharri, bye dofus.”

    And with that Kristi walked off towards Twinleaf Town, skipping every fifth step.

    “I can’t believe I lost.” Noe cried.

    “Well you have to face facts.” Jyharri advised him. “She’s better than you.”

    “Yeah I guess. Let’s just go get our stuff so we can leave.”




    Jyharri reached his house at close to 2:00. He grabbed his bag after making sure he had everything he needed and grabbed his sack lunch when he noticed a stick note on it. It read:

    “Jyharri,
    Had to catch the boat to Kanto. Will be back in about 2 weeks. Tell me all about your first two weeks when I get back.

    Love,
    Mom”

    Jyharri crumpled up the note, threw it in the trash, and head out. He was finally a Trainer. He hoped the world was ready for him, because he was ready for the world.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    It was not bad man. You need to be more descriptive and add more scenery. The dream sequence was pretty cool, and you had a good start in terms of describing their journey.

    Some problems are the battles are not that detailed, and kind of boring. Also the main characters are hard to distinguish from each other. Only thing I do know is Kristi is not liked by Noe. You got to distinguish them some more.

    There is also some spelling and grammar errors. Not to bad, but some of them are noticable, like the last sentence in particular.

    Keep at it. Despite my hatred for using established characters and towns and the like, there is some potential I think if you work on it.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Thanks I'll probably start the third chapter tomorrow
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Nottingham, England.
    Posts
    1,317

    Default

    nice cannot wait for the next chapter

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    There is a battle in this chapter and it is supposed to be how it is. So enjoy Chapter 3

    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 3: Trials of a Rookie!


    “So I guess I’ll see you later man”

    Jyharri and Noe decided to travel to Sandgem Town together, and then go their separate ways. Noe was staying in Sandgem Town for a couple days, while Jyharri was heading to the next town over, Jubilife City.

    “Yeah,” said Jyharri. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”

    Noe and Jyharri clasped hands and smiled. Jyharri pulled his bag over his shoulders and turned and started walking down the street towards Route 202.

    “Remember!” yelled a voice from behind him.

    Jyharri turned to see Noe waving.

    “I’m gonna beat you in the Pokemon League!” Noe finished.

    Jyharri just turned back around and started walking towards Route 202 to begin his Pokemon adventure.




    Jyharri had been walking on the mostly grassy Route 202 for about an hour and a half and decided to take a break by sitting off to the side of the road in the grass.

    “Hey, I should let Chimchar out.” Jyharri said.

    He pulled his starter’s Pokeball off his belt and threw it in the air. The ball opened and released a white light. The white light hit the ground and materialized into a monkey of sorts, but instead of a tail it had a fireball on its rear. It also has a swirl-like symbol on the chest.

    “Chimchar!” it said.

    Jyharri pulled out his Pokedex to scan Chimchar.

    “Chimchar,” the Pokedex droned, “The Chimp Pokémon. Being very agile, Chimchar are able to climb the rocky ledges of tall mountains, where they live. The flames on their rears are produced by burning gas in their stomachs.”

    “What a cool Pokemon.” Jyharri complimented.

    “Chim,” Chimchar said bashfully rubbing the back of its head with one of its little hands.

    “Starly!” cried a voice from above.

    “What was that?” Jyharri inquired.

    “Chim!” the chimp pointed upwards towards a tree.

    Jyharri followed where Chimchar was pointing and saw a bird that was a light black, brown and white color. It had an orange beak that at the tip was also light black. On top of its head was a small feather tuft.

    “Cool!” Jyharri exclaimed, “A Starly!”

    He pointed his Pokedex at the bird.

    “Starly, the Starling Pokémon.” his Pokedex droned. “These Pokémon live in noisy flocks with numerous members in each. However, it becomes less prominent when one is alone.”

    “I’m gonna catch it!” said Jyharri.

    He pulled out a Pokeball and threw it at the Starly. The ball hit the bird square on its forehead. The ball then opened and Starly turned into a light that was sucked into the ball.

    “I caught it!”

    Jyharri jumped for joy while Chimchar just watched his Trainer shaking its head. Jyharri walked over to pick up the ball when suddenly the ball popped open, releasing Starly and flying back and hitting Jyharri in the face.

    “Ow!” Jyharri yelled in pain, holding his face.

    His Chimchar was lying down in the grass laughing uncontrollably.

    “Where did that Starly go?” asked Jyharri looking around.

    The Starly apparently flew away while Jyharri was holding his face. He picked up the Pokeball and walked over to the laughing Chimchar.

    “It’s not funny.” he told the laughing Pokemon.

    He held up Chimchar’s Pokeball and recalled him. Chimachar turned into a laughing light and was sucked back into the ball. Jyharri lay down on the grass and looked up at the sky. The sky was a pinkish color which meant that the sun was setting.

    “I’ll just walk until nightfall and then I’ll camp out.” decided Jyharri.

    He got up, slung his bag over his shoulder and started walking.




    While walking he saw countless Starly and some beaver looking creatures that the Pokedex identified as Bidoof and Bibarel. Night was falling and Jyharri knew it would be dangerous to walk at night. He pitched his tent and layed his sleeping bag inside.

    “I better leave at around 8:00 if I want to make good time.” Jyharri decided.

    He lay inside his sleeping bag thinking of what could have happened to his mom. When it got to the horrible stuff he decided to think about what Noe could be doing.

    “He’s probably training his Pokemon.” he said to himself.

    He turned over deciding that it was time to get some sleep. He closed his eyes and was instantly deep in sleep.




    “Today’s the day I catch a Pokemon!” Jyharri told himself.

    He was once again walking on Route 202, but this time it was broad daylight. A lot of Pokemon were out now that it was morning. Jyharri was looking at all the Pokemon that were out, trying to decide which one he would attempt to catch.

    “Let’s see.”

    He scanned all over looking for something interesting.

    “Man!” he said after ten minutes. “All the Pokemon on this Route stink!”

    Unfortunately for him all the Pokemon heard him and glared at him.

    “I, um, meant that in a good way.” Jyahrri shakily said.

    They all charged at him, all furious and full of rage.

    “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Jyharri yelled running for his life.

    “Yeah, I- do you hear something?” asked a trainer on a bike on the Route.

    The Trainer and his friend turned around to see Jyharri running as fast as he could from a stampede of angry Pokemon.

    “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Jyharri yelled at them.

    “Man! I bet he said they stink!” said the Trainer on the bike.

    “Stupid rookie!” said the other.

    The Trainer on the bike was about to take off, but before he could he was knocked off the bike.

    “Can I borrow this? Thanks!” said Jyharri.

    “Hey!”

    “Bye!”

    And Jyharri was gone.

    “I can’t believe that punk.” The Trainer was cut off by the cries of the stampede of Pokemon that was rushing towards him.

    “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” Said the Trainer’s friend and he was gone too.

    “No!” yelled the trainer. “Don’t leave me!”

    The trainer started to run down the same way Jyharri and his friend went. He did not want to end up a Trainer pancacke.






    “Whew!” Jyharri sighed. “I’m glad I got away form that!”

    He was still riding the Trainer’s bike on the road towards Jubilife City. Over hills he went. Sometimes he even stopped to enjoy the scenery, when suddenly he saw gleaming buildings in the distance.

    “Jubilife City!” he exclaimed. “I’ll be there tomorrow! That’s awesome!”

    He rode until night fell once again and set up his tent. Inside he couldn’t sleep because of the noises coming from the city. They consisted of : “Hey! Are you gonna move that?! “No. I’m gonna move my fist in your face!” and other things his mom would smack him for, and that’s where he got sad.

    ‘My mom,’ He thought. ‘I wonder if she’s ok. When I get into the city I’m going to call her.’

    And with that he fell asleep.



    When Jyharri awoke he looked around his tent to find his bag missing.

    “What happened?”


    He got up and walked outside to see a cream colored tail with a white end sticking out his bag.

    “Hey!” he shouted.

    The thing in his bag jumped out with a sandwich in its mouth. The creature had a tannish looking man around its neck, big, pointy ears and big brown eyes. It was small and could almost fit in the palm of his hand.

    “Eevee,” it said.

    “An Eevee on Route 202,” Jyharri said in disbelief.

    He quickly snatched his bag ang pulled out his Pokedex and scanned the Eevee.

    “Eevee,” said the Pokedex in a boring voice. “The Evolution Pokemon. At first glance, Eevee are said to be just unremarkable Normal-type Pokémon, with above average intelligence and excellent eyesight, smell, and hearing. However, their DNA is uniquely structured.”

    “Now that is a cool Pokemon.” Jyharri commented.

    “Eeveeeee!” the Eevee took off towards the city in a dash.

    “Wait!” Jyharri called after it. “That’s my lunch!”

    Jyharri just sighed and packed up, ready to get to Jubilife City.



    “Well it took awhile but I’m here.” Jyharri told himself.

    He walked around the marvelous city. There were tall buildings everywhere. The streets were almost filled with people. Everyone seemed to be talking on a phone or with the person next to them. Jyharri had wished that he had a person to talk to when-



    “Hey! Jyharri!” called a familiar voice.

    Jyharri whirled around to find none other than Kristi.

    “Hey Kristi,” Jyharri greeted her.

    “How’s it been?”

    “Good I guess.”

    “Have you caught any Pokemon?” Kristi asked him.

    “No.” Jyharri answered truthfully. “Have you?”

    “Yeah, but only one.” she told him. “Let’s go to a field outside of the city and I’ll show you.”

    Kristi and Jyharri trekked through the sea of people until they came to a grassy field a few miles from the city.

    “Ok,” she started. “Now that we’re out of the craziness,”

    She tossed a Pokeball into the air and it popped open, revealing a white light. When it hit the ground it materialized into what appeared to be a small, green budding. Its head is held in place by vines that twist slightly above its head.

    “Budew.” the creature said.

    Jyharri pulled out his Pokedex from his backpack and pointed it at the creature.

    “Budew,” droned the Pokedex. “The Bud Pokémon. In the cold of winter the bud closes tightly; when spring comes, it opens and disperses pollen. It is part Poison type, so those who are enchanted by its appearance are punished painfully.”

    “I know.” Kristi said all of a suddenly. “Let’s battle.”

    “Um, ok” replied Jyharri.

    He pulled his Chimchar’s Pokeball off his belt and threw it in the air. When the light came out and materialized there was his starter, Chimchar.

    “Chimchar!” it said happily when it came out.

    “I’ll use Budew.” Kristi stated.

    “Are you sure?” questioned Jyharri.

    “Yeah,” she said. “Because I’m gonna beat you and then I’ll have beaten you and Noe.”

    “Ok then.”

    “Go Budew! Growth!” commanded Kristi.

    Budew’s body grew till it was about five times bigger than its original size.

    “Chimchar use Flame Wheel!” Jyharri ordered.

    “Chim!”

    Chimchar started with a flame in his mouth. Then it spun so the flame engulfed its entire body. It then launched itself at Budew.

    “That’s not going to do much.” Kristi warned.

    When they collided Budew shrunk back to original size and flew backwards.

    “What?” Kristi was surprised.

    “Follow up with Ember!” Jyharri told Chimchar.

    Chimchar shot little fireballs from his mouth straight at Budew.

    “Budew! No!” Kristi’s eyes were now filled with tears.

    Budew was hit point blank by the Ember attack. All that was heard were the cries of pain from Budew.

    “And it’s done.” Jyharri pointed out.

    “Budew!” Kristi ran over to her fallen comrade. “Are you alright?”

    “Bu.” It said weakly.

    “Thank God.” Kristi sighed.

    “Yeah, sorry about that,” apologized Jyharri.

    “No need to.” She told him. “That Chimchar is strong.”

    “Thanks.” said Jyharri as he recalled Chimchar into his Pokeball.

    “Budew, take a long rest.”

    Budew was put back into its Pokeball to take a rest.

    “Let’s go to the Center.” Jyharri told her.



    Back at the PokeCenter Kristi gave her Budew to the Nurse Joy for healing.

    “So,” Jyharri started. “How has it been going?”

    “Good.” said Kristi not looking him in the eyes.

    “How come you never looking me in the eyes?” asked Jyharri.

    “Because I li-” she tried. “Because I li-”

    “Try again” he encouraged her.

    “Because I like-”

    “You like looking at floors?”

    ‘Man he’s clueless.’ thought Kristi. “I like y-”

    “You like yellow.” he guessed.

    “No!” her eyes started to water. “I like YOU! YOU! Not yellow or looking at floors! You!”

    After she told him she went back to Nurse Joy, grabbed her Budew back and ran outside and ran into the city, while Jyharri sat, shocked.

    “She likes me?”
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 17th June 2007 at 5:06 AM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    Don't take this the wrong way dude, but it wasn't too good...

    Descriptions were better, and i'll admit I laughed a bit, but its too-slapsticky I guess. To anime-like as it was really reminiscent of the first episode of the series.

    No grammar erros that I saw, but it was also boring at parts, to many breaks in the story.

    You got to work on it more, there is a good story here, i'm just not getting much depth from the characters or the pokemon yet. Right now it's run of the mill adventure stuff.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Next Chapter is gonna be better. I mean you have to have the boring stuff right? Then after the boring stuff is out of the way it gets awesome
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    True enough, but still...add more descriptions, more character and some more pokemon character as well, their personas are not yet developed either. That will make it stronger, trust me.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    True enough, but still...add more descriptions, more character and some more pokemon character as well, their personas are not yet developed either. That will make it stronger, trust me.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 4: New Rivals! Old Friends!



    It had been four days since Jyharri had arrived in Jubilife City, and he was enjoying it. The people were friendly, the restaurants had great food, and there was a T.V. station in the city so you could be on T.V. The strangest thing that happened to him in the city was when his friend, Kristi, told him she liked him.

    “She must have been joking.” Jyharri told himself. “She was probably trying to get my mind off training.”

    Also, ever since Jyharri had been away from home he has been determined to catch a Pokemon and he told himself today way the day.


    As soon as he woke up in the PokeCenter’s room he got dressed, got his bag, and his Chimchar’s Pokeball and went straight to the field.

    “Nothing I want,” Jyharri said quietly remembering the stampede.

    Just then he heard a rustle behind him. He turned and saw nothing but the bushes.

    “I must be hearing things.”

    He turned back around and continue to look for Pokemon when he spotted another Starly.

    “I’m gonna catch this one!” he said determined. “Go Chimchar!”

    He threw his Pokeball in the air and out came the little fire monkey.

    “Chimchar!” it said jumping and landing on one foot with its hands in the air.

    “Chimchar use Ember on that Starly!”

    Jyharri pointed towards the one he wanted and Chimchar shot the little fireballs at the small bird but Starly saw this coming and countered by flapping its wings to create a gust that sent the fireballs back at Chimchar two times stronger.

    “Chimchar look out!” Jyharri shouted.

    Chimchar tried to dodge but moved to slow and it ended up being hit by its own attack.

    “Chimchar are you all right?”

    “Chim,” Chimchar gave his trainer thumbs up.

    The next thing Jyharri hears is laughing and it wasn’t from a human. When Jyharri turned around he saw the Pokemon he wanted. It was the Eevee that took his sandwich five days earlier.

    “Hey it’s not funny!” Jyharri yelled at it.

    The Eevee still laughed. Jyharri got so angry he didn’t know why he did what he did next. He picked up a small rock and threw it at Eevee, but Eevee simply hit the rock with its tail knocking it back and hitting Jyharri in the face. Now Eevee was laughing uncontrollably.

    “Hey! Eevee,” Jyharri called to it.

    The Eevee looked up at him.

    “Let’s battle.” He told the little fox. “You win I’ll give you four sandwiches.”

    Jyharri didn’t have to say anything more. With the sandwich comment he immediately grabbed the Eevee’s attention. Eevee nodded, showing that it agreed.

    <I don’t know if I can do it.> Chimchar said.

    “You can,” Jyharri looked at Chimchar and stared at him. “Did you just talk?”

    <No, you can understand me. It’s a trust thing or something.>

    “I have finally gone crazy.” Jyharri said.

    <No you haven’t.> Chimchar assured him.

    “Thanks.”

    <You’ve always been crazy.>

    “I’m gonna ignore that.”

    “Vee!” suddenly the Eevee called out.

    <She’s getting impatient.>

    “A girl huh?” inquired Jyharri. “Let’s win this.”

    The Eevee suddenly started running towards Chimchar at its top speed.

    “That’s a Tackle attack.” Jyharri pointed out. “Jump to dodge and then use Scratch!”

    Chimchar waited for the Eevee to get as close as possible then jumped and used its hands to scratch Eevee in the back.

    “Now, Ember!”

    While in the air, Chimchar unleashed the barrage of embers down on Eevee creating a smoke.

    <That’s what I call a barbeque!> said Chimchar happily.

    “Oh yeah!” cheered Jyharri.

    Suddenly something jumped out of the smoke. It was nearly in the trees. It was the Eevee!

    “Looks like it dodged the Ember attack.”

    <No really?>

    “This isn’t the time for sarcasm.” Jyharri told his Pokemon.

    Then the Eevee darted and became nothing but a coffee colored blur. The next thing anyone knew Chimchar was hit.

    “That had to be a Quick Attack!” he gasped. “And it’s fast too.”

    <Man that hurt.> Chimchar said getting up.

    “Ee,” Eevee said tauntingly at Chimchar.

    “Let’s take it up a notch! Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar engulfed itself in flames and shot itself at Eevee, but Eevee dodged by jumping over it leaving Chimchar to hit the ground.

    <This is embarrassing!> Chimchar exclaimed. <I’m losing to a girl!>

    The Eevee again became the blur and hit Chimchar square in the gut.

    ‘Man!’ Jyharri thought. ‘What am I going to do? That Eevee is fast and if I try an Ember or Flame Wheel it will just use its speed to dodge! Wait. That’s it!’

    <Yeah you can come back from Gagaland anytime! I’m almost done!>

    “Don’t worry! I got a plan!” Jyharri reassured his Pokemon. “Hey Eevee I bet you can’t do Quick Attack again!”

    <What are you doing?!> Chimchar was bewildred. <I thought you were on my side!>

    “Just watch.”

    “Vee”

    The Eevee again became the blur and shot staright towards Chimchar. It was closing in and was almost touching Chimchar when

    “Chimchar, Ember!” yelled the young Trainer.

    Chimchar shot the Embers out as fast as he could and the hit the Eevee straight in its face causing it to fly back.

    “Let’s wrap it up! Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar was again engulfed in flames and shot at Eevee.

    ‘This time it won’t miss.’ thought Jyharri.

    Just as he predicted, the attack made contact creating a big cloud of smoke. As soon as the smoke cleared Chimchar was seen standing triumphant over the Eevee as Jyharri was ready with a Pokeball.

    “Pokeball go!”

    The Pokeball hit Eevee and opened turning Eevee into light and sucking it into the ball. The ball shook once. Twice, three times then stopped as a red light in the middle of the ball flashed off with a little PING.

    “Yes!” exclaimed Jyharri. “I caught an Eevee. Good job Chimchar!”

    <Thanks for not letting it hit me that last time. I would have been done.>

    Jyharri picked up the Pokeball of his newly captured Pokemon and as soon as he did he heard clapping. He turned sharply and saw a very good sight. It was Noe!

    “Noe?!” Jyharri was ecstatic. “How long were you there?”

    “I saw the whole thing.” Noe told him. “That was an impressive ending, using Eevee’s speed against it.”

    “Thanks.”

    “Your Chimchar is really strong, but I bet my Turtwig can beat it.”

    “Yeah right.” Jyharri told him.

    “You two may be able to beat each other but I can beat both of you.” said a voice.

    Noe and Jyharri turned around to see a boy that seemed to be they’re age maybe a little older than they were. He wore a white t-shirt with a green coat over it and blue jeans. His hair looked like it grew like a girl’s and was brown with blonde streaks in them.

    “The name’s Josh.” said the boy. “And so far I know you are Noe.” He said pointing at him.

    “Yeah he is and I’m Jyharri.” He said with a tone that you can tell he didn’t like Josh one bit.

    “You both look it and sound it; I’m guessing you’re both rookies.” Josh said.

    “Yeah and I bet you are too.” said Noe.

    “Yeah I am but I’m out of your league.”

    He pulled out what was obviously his badge case and opened it. There was a badge of sorts lying in it. It seemed to be shaped like a fist.

    “I already have Oreburgh’s badge.” Josh coolly said.

    Noe and Jyharri looked at it in awe.

    “That’s right.” Josh snapped shut his badge case. “I am good and I will be seeing you guys later.”

    Josh walked off towards Route 202 with a spring in his step.

    “Looks like we got a new rival,” Jyharri said glaring after Josh.

    “Forget him!” Noe told him. “He’s nothing.”

    “You’re right.”

    “I mean at least we get to hang out for a couple days.” said Noe.

    “Actually,” started Jyharri, “I’m leaving for Oreburgh tomorrow.”

    “Oh,” Noe sadly said.

    “Yeah.”

    Jyharri and Noe just stood there for a couple seconds looking at the ground.

    “Well, I guess I’ll see you at the Center.” Jyharri spoke up. “Let’s go Chimchar.”

    <Right behind ya’,> Chimchar told his Trainer.

    “See ya later.” Noe called after him.

    As Jyharri walked for the first time he wondered what had happened to Kristi when she ran out of the Center four days ago. Whatever happened he wished she was somewhere safe.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    in my computer
    Posts
    87

    Default

    You've got quite a few inconsistancies, irrelivant scenes, and errors. It's not the best I've seen.

    I'll just use the Eevee scene as an example: How could Eevee steal the sandwich when, on all logical accounts, Jyharri should have eaten it by that point? You need to watch out for that kind of thing. It gets tougher to keep track the more you write

    Oh, and you kind of confused me when you mentioned the man (mane) around Eevee's neck. Don't worry too much about that though. There are always those things that we miss. Just remember, even when using Word or some form of spellcheck, proofread.

    Another thing is that it is mainly composed of dialogue. I did the same thing too with my first fic, well, the first chapters anyway. You need a lot more description. It all moves too fast. Savour each scene by giving it color. If you consider something "boring", don't just try and hurry by it. Remember:

    If nothing is going on, make sure the reader can see every bit of that nothing

    Flesh it out, give it life, and have fun with it! Good luck, and I'll try to keep up with it!
    Last edited by Sireath; 18th June 2007 at 5:34 AM. Reason: Didn't see 4th chapter

    Now up in the Fanfiction Forum!


    banner a collaboration between Warlord-Pickle and myself

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Chapter 5!Here we go!
    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 5: The Road to Oreburgh!


    “Before you go, let’s hang out.”

    Jyharri had planned on heading towards Oreburgh first thing in the morning, but Noe convinced him to stay a little longer.

    “Fine,” Jyharri said with a sigh. “What do you want to do?”

    “Let’s battle.” said Noe.

    “Ok, but let me get my Pokemon from Nurse Joy.”

    Jyharri had left his two Pokemon, Chimchar and Eevee, with the Nurse because of the little scuffle they had the other day.

    “Here you go,” said the pink haired nurse when Jyharri arrived at the counter. “They’re both healthy and ready to go.”

    “Thank you.” Jyharri grabbed their Pokeballs and walked out of the Center with Noe. “Where are we gonna battle?”

    “The field outside of town on the way to Oreburgh,” Noe explained.

    They walked through the immense crowds trying to find their way to Route 203, but they had no luck. They kept ending up in front of huge buildings. Finally, they decided to ask people for directions.

    “Route 203 is over that way.” Pointed a man, but they couldn’t tell where “over there” is because of the crowd blocking the view.

    “Man!” Noe exclaimed. “We have nowhere to hold our battle!”

    Suddenly the crowds stopped.

    “You need a place to battle?” asked a fairly young man.

    “Yes.” Noe and Jyharri said in unision.

    “Everyone!” he shouted. “Battle!”

    The crowd suddenly split into a circle.

    “There you go.” said the young man.

    “Thanks.” Noe thanked him. “Now, 2 on 2?”

    “Fine with me.” responded Jyharri.

    “Go! Turtwig!” Noe cried as he threw up his Pokeball.

    The Pokeball popped open and out came the small green turtle with a big jaw.

    “Turtwig.” It said rather aggressively.

    “Go Chimchar!” cried Jyharri.

    On Jyharri’s side was the familiar fire monkey known as Chimchar.

    “You can go first.” Noe told him.

    “Go Chimchar Scratch!”

    <Here we go!> Chimchar said.

    Chimchar ran straight for Turtwig with its hand raised ready to scratch the little turtle. Turtwig just looked at Chimchar and blinked waiting for its Trainer to give an order.

    “Turtwig Razor Leaf!” commanded Noe.

    “Turtttttt Wig!”

    Razor sharp leaves came out of Turtwig’s shell and headed straight for Chimchar.

    “Chimchar Ember!”

    Chimchar then shot out a barrage of fireballs at the leaves. Upon contact the leaves incinerated.

    “Ember again!” Jyharri ordered.

    <Take this turtle!>

    Chimchar shot out another round of embers at Turtwig.

    “Turtwig dodge!” Noe told his Pokemon.

    Turtwig jumped left dodging the fire bullets. While still in the air it sent a round of razor sharp leaves at Chmchar.

    “Chimchar Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar engulfed itself in flames and flung itself towards Turtwig.

    ‘It won’t get past the Razor Leaf attack.’ Noe thought.

    But to his dismay when the monkey hit the leaves they incinerated and then he kept heading towards Turtwig. As Chimchar came closer the more Turtwig knew that he was going to get hit.

    <Take this!> Chimchar screeched.

    Turtwig was hit square in the face with the flames and flew back, knocked out. The crowd around them cheered, which made Jyharri jump since he forgot they were there.

    “Ok that was just a set back.” Noe said as he recalled his Starter. “Go Star!”

    “What?” Jyharri asked.

    He watched Noe’s Pokeball fly up and release what seemed to be a little lion cub. It has large oval ears that stick out from the sides of its head. It has large yellow eyes with white pupils. Its nose is red. Its tail ends in what appears to be a four-pointed star. It has bands of yellow fur around its forelegs, just above the paws. It has a black ring of fur around its neck, which has two downward-facing points in the middle.

    “A Shinx,” Jyharri said pulling out his Pokedex.

    “Shinx, The Flash Pokémon,” said his Pokedex. “Upon sensing danger, it shoots out a dazzling light from every hair on its body. While the opponent is blinded, it takes the opportunity to quickly escape.”

    “I think I’m gonna switch out.” Jyharri said. “Return.”

    He recalled his Chimchar back into his Pokeball and set it back on his belt as he grabbed another one.

    “Go Eevee!”

    He threw the ball in the air releasing the little brown fox that he caught the other day.

    “Eevee.” She said.

    “Go Quick Attack!” Jyharri told her.

    The little Pokemon dashed quickly towards Noe’s Shinx and in the blink of an eye hit it too. This made Shinx, or Star, skid back a little.

    “Again!” Jyharri commanded.

    And once more Star was hit, sliding back even more.

    “Don’t take that!” Noe told his little friend. “Thunder Shock!”

    “Yeah right.” Jyharri said skeptically.

    Star the Shinx scrunched its face and, to Jyharri’s surprise, released a little bolt of electricity.

    “What?! Eevee dodge!”

    Eevee jumped, dodging the bolt of electricity. When she landed she was met with a shock. Turns out that Star had shot out another Thunder Shock and knew it wouldn’t miss. This made Eevee fall to the ground.

    “Eevee are you all right?” Jyharri looked at his fallen Pokemon.

    Eevee tried to get up, but again fell. The crowd cheered again, even more loudly because now it was down to one Pokemon apiece. Jyharri recalled his Eevee and stood still trying to think of a plan.

    ‘Ok I could have Chimchar use Ember.’ He thought. ‘But then he would dodge. Then it would use Thunder Shock and most likely knock out Chimchar. When it used Thunder Shock I could tell Chimchar to dodge. Well I am gonna have to see.’

    “Go Chimchar!”

    Once again the little fire monkey was on the battlefield.

    “Go Ember!” Jyharri told his Pokemon.

    “Dodge Star!” Noe told his Shinx.

    Just as Jyharri predicted Shinx had dodged the attack easily.

    “Now Thunder Shock!”

    Shinx again shot out a bolt of electricity at Chimchar.

    ‘That’s what I thought.’

    “Dodge and use Ember!” cried Jyharri.

    <That’s shocking.>

    Instead of moving out of the way Chimchar did something that no one thought it would do. It took the hit!

    “Ha!” Noe chuckled.

    “What are you doing?” Jyharri was bewildered.

    <You’ve got to trust me> Chimchar told his Trainer.

    “Ok I trust you. But use Ember.”

    <Ok!>

    Chimchar shot out the familiar fireballs at Star. Just like Chimchar before her, she took the hit!

    “What?!” now Noe was bewildered.

    <She thought if I can take, the hit so can she.>

    “That’s smart.” Jyharri complimented. “Now finish this with Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar was engulfed in flames angain and headed straight for Shinx. Shinx was still recovering from the barrage of Embers. The next thing Shinx knew it was hit, hard. The Shinx flew back and hit the ground defeated. When the crowd cheered this time it was louder than anything in the city.

    “Man! I can’t believe I lost!” Noe said recalling his Shinx.

    “You there! Trainers!” said a middle aged man in a black suit. “I want you two to have something for a hard fought battle.”

    He reached into his coat and pulled out what looked like two wrist watches.

    “What are they?” Jyharri asked.

    “They are PokeTechs. A watch that has over twenty features.” He explained. “They are touch sensitive, so you touch the screen part to switch and use functions.”

    “We can’t take theses sir.” Noe said.

    “Why not?”

    “These must have cost you a fortune.” Jyahrri told him.

    “They didn’t cost me a thing.” said the man.

    “What???” Jyharri and Noe said. “You stole them?”

    “No. I’m the president of the PokeTech Company.”

    “Oh.” The boys sighed.

    “Here.”

    The man handed the watches to Jyharri and Noe and happily walked away. The boys put them on their wrists and looked at them.

    “Well,” Jyharri started. “I better get my bag and go.”

    “Yeah,” Noe said trying to smile.

    “I’ll be seeing ya.”

    Jyharri pushed through the crowd making his way towards the PokeCenter to get his bag and then get on the road to Oreburgh City and his first Gym Battle.



    He had been traveling on Route 203 for about two hours and Jyharri hadn’t seen any Trainers. He saw a lot of Pokemon that included Shinx, Starly, Pineco, and an occasional Abra. Still going up the road Jyharri saw something in the distance. It looked like a person. Jyharri started running towards it. He was coming closer to the object and it turned out to be a little tree.

    “Man, I could use some company right now.” Jyharri told himself.

    “Would I be good enough?” asked a voice.

    Jyharri looked behind him and no one was there. He looked to both sides and nothing.

    “Man, I have got to stop eating chocolate!”

    “I’m over here.” said the voice again.

    He looked behind him again and saw a girl standing up from behind a bush. It was a beautiful girl too. She had long brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a black sleeveless shirt with a white undershirt and a white skirt.

    “I’m Ali.” the girl introduced herself.

    “Jyharri.”

    “I saw your battle earlier, so I wanted to ask you a question but I got lost in the crowd.”

    “Well you can ask me now.” Jyharri told her.

    “Well there have been a lot of robberies at night and they say it’s safer to travel in a group.” Ali started.

    “Say no more.” Jyharri said. “Of course you can travel with me.”

    “Thanks a whole lot!”

    Ali was so excited she threw her arms around him and hugged him. Jyharri was shocked that he didn’t do anything.

    “Sorry.” She apologized. “I was really excited.”

    “That’s ok. So let’s go.” He said.

    “Where are we going?” asked Ali.

    “Oreburgh, for my Gym Battle.” Jyharri told her.

    “Ok let’s hit the road.”

    The new friends started to walk on towards Oreburgh City for Jyharri’s first ever Gym Battle.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    Again dude, you need to flesh it out more. It's basically the same as the last time I read it Honestly, i'm kind of bored when i'm reading it. The battle was ok, and I like the idea of the pokemon 'thinking' in a sense as you showed it, but having it interact with the trainer as if it was talking to them is kind of a stretch.

    The humor stuff is working though, but you need to put more description. I'm sorry if i'm being harsh, i'm just trying to help you. If the next chapter is like this, I don't know if I can continue reading the fic.

    Sorry dude.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Charleston, WV
    Posts
    409

    Default

    Interesting fic....

    And the characters seem to have good chemistry with each other (I don't mind the fact that the fic is similar to the first episode of the anime - I actually prefer anime based fics, lol and also, I don't mind the spelling/grammar errors either since you don't have *a lot* of those, thankfully). ^_^


    I kinda have mixed feelings about the fic though. The descriptions parts you have so far are good, but you need more of them.

    Anyway, I think what you should focus on is improving the descriptions, and adding more of them into the fic. That'll space out the different sections of dialogue, and make the fic seem more interesting to the readers.



    And also, I agree with LinksOcarina. You have mostly just dialogue parts throughout the chapters, and yes, it does seem boring at this point. But I'm gonna give the fic a chance though, and hope that it gets much better. ^^
    Ash from "The Scuffle of Legends"

    "I'm not leavin' Pikachu. There's no way I could run off and leave it here all alone. I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna help. Even if I have to battle Kyogre and Groudon by myself."



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 6: Showdown on Route 203!


    Joined by the beautiful girl Ali, Jyharri continued his way down the mostly dirt covered Route 203. There were patches of grass, but they didn’t go for more than a mile. The dirt though, was everywhere.

    “Man!” complained Ali, “I’m tired of seeing this dirt!”

    “Well, you’re going to have to get used to it.” Jyharri told her.

    “I hope we get to Oreburgh within the next two days.”

    Jyharri was silent for about a minute or two before he asked

    “Ali, where are you from?”

    “I’m from the Kanto region.” She told him.

    “So you would have Pokemon from there right?” Jyharri was getting excited.

    “Right.” She replied.

    “Can I see one?”

    Ali took a Pokeball out of her bag and threw it in the air. When the light hit the ground it materialized into a type of lizard. It was a dark red color. Its forearms bear long, sharp claws. It also had a flame on the tip of its tail.

    “Cool!” he exclaimed as he took out his Pokedex.

    “Charmeleon, the Flame Pokemon.” said the Pokedex, “When it is excited, the flame on its tail may turn bluish-white as well. It slashes mercilessly at opponents with its powerful claws and lashes about with its flame-tipped tail to knock down opponents, greatly heating the area in the process. Extreme caution is advised when approaching this vicious Pokémon.”

    Jyharri backed up a little.

    “It’s ok, he won’t harm you.” Ali assured him.

    “Char.” Charmeleon said basically agreeing with her.

    Jyharri carefully inched closer to him and placed his hand on his head, rubbing it.

    “Char.”

    “That’s one cool Pokemon.”

    “Yes he is.” Ali said proudly.

    Suddenly a light came from Jyharri’s belt. When it hit the ground it turned out to be Chimchar.

    “Chimchar!” it said happily.

    “Look at this cutie.”

    Ali bent over and picked up Chimchar and started to toss him in the air in catch him as if he were a baby.

    “Charmeleon.” it said getting angry that his Trainer wasn’t giving him any attention.

    Jyharri stopped petting Charmeleon to look up the road and saw that something was on the road and was walking towards them.

    “Who is that?” he asked.

    From a distance he saw that the thing had light brown hair, and they were wearing a black tank top.

    “I don’t know.” Ali said setting Chimchar down.

    When the thing came closer, Jyharri realized it wasn’t a thing at all. It was Kristi!

    “Oh my,” Jyharri muttered.

    “What is it?”

    “I know her.”

    “You do?” asked Ali.

    “Hey there novice,” Kristi said when she was about six meters away.

    “You’re a novice too.” Jyharri pointed out.

    “Not anymore.” she told him. “Who’s your friend?”

    “Ali this is Kristi.” He said pointing to them when he said their names. “Kristi, Ali.”

    “So you say you’re not a novice anymore huh?” Ali questioned her.

    “Yeah, why?”

    “You wanna prove it?”

    There was silence as a wind started to blow. The silence kept up for another ten seconds before Kristi said, “I would love to.”

    The three Trainers (and Charmeleon) walked off to the side of the road to a dirt field. There were little rocks scattered in the field and there were patches of dead grass. Broken sticks were also scattered in the field and they looked awfully sharp.

    “Choose your Pokemon!” Ali told her.

    “Let’s go Prinplup!” Kristi yelled as she threw up a Pokeball.

    ‘Prinplup,’ Jyharri thought while watching. ‘That must mean her Piplup evolved.’
    And sure enough, out of the Pokeball did not appear a Piplup, but something that looked like an older sibling to Piplup. The particular blue coloration of its body makes it appear to be wearing a coat; the white circular patterns on its belly resemble buttons. It also has a distinct dual crest on its head resembling a tiara or a crown. Jyharri pulled out his Pokedex to find out more about this Pokemon.
    “Prinplup,” it said. “The Penguin Pokemon. In addition to its royal appearance, each colony appears to be founded by a single individual, as each one considers itself to be the most important one. Prinplup's most effective weapons are its flippers, which are strong enough to snap a tree in two. A single strike could be deadly.”
    “I choose Charmeleon.”
    “Charmeleon.” It said, walking onto the field.
    “Bad choice,” Kristi said. “Water types are strong against Fire types, I’m gonna win! Go Water Gun!”
    A jet of water shot out of Prinlup’s mouth and went straight towards Charmeleon.
    “Dodge.” Ali said calmly.
    Charmeleon took one step to the right and the water hit the spot that he was previously in.
    “Metal Claw,” she told her Pokemon.
    Charmeleon’s right claw started to glow as he ran staright for Prinplup.
    “Water Gun!” commanded Kristi.
    Just before Prinplup shot Charmeleon with water Ali said, “Agility.”
    Charmeleon disappeared and reappeared behind Prinplup and struck him with his glowing claw. Prinplup flew forward and landed on his face.
    “Prinplup, you ok?” Kristi asked.
    The penguin Pokemon got up quickly, indicating he was alright.
    “Flamethrower,” Ali told Charmeleon.
    A flame appeared in his mouth and seemed to be getting bigger the more he sucked in. When he blew out it was like he was a torch. The flame shot out in a straight line and hit Prinplup right in the chest.
    “Prinplup!” Kristi cried.
    Prinplup didn’t get up this time. It was clear that he was out.
    “But, how?” Kristi said recalling Prinplup.
    “It’s not all about type.” Ali told her.
    ‘She is good!’ Jyharri thought. ‘ I wouldn’t want to face her right now.’
    “Jeez your Pokemon are weak.” said a voice.
    Everyone turned around to see a boy. Instantly Jyharri knew who it was.

    “Josh,” he said hate in his voice.

    “I heard about your battle in Jubilife.” He said. “That still doesn’t mean you can beat me.”

    “How about we battle right now?” said Jyharri, raring to go.

    “I’m game.”

    Josh walked to the field and stood on the opposite side of Jyharri holding a Pokeball.

    “Two on two?” he said.

    “Fine with me.” replied Jyharri.

    “Go!” he yelled throwing the Pokeball he had in the air.

    It released a bird that Jyharri knew as Starly.

    “Go Chimchar!”

    Chimchar jumped onto the field ready to prove that he was no weakling.

    “You can make the first move.” Jyharri told his rival.

    “Starly Peck!”

    The bird’s beak started to glow and he dived straight at Chimchar.

    “Chimchar grab it!” Jyharri ordered.

    <You got it!> Chimchar said.

    Just before Starly hit him Chimchar clapped his hands together, stopping the bird Pokemon.

    “Now, Ember!”

    Chimchar had released a barrage of fireballs upon the Starly. When it was finished dealing its damage, Chimchar tossed the flying type towards its Trainer. When Starly came to halt it got back up showing that it had a lot of endurance.

    “Quick Attack!” Josh told his little bird.

    Starly dashed forward and quickly hit Chimchar in the gut.

    <That one hurt.> Chimchar said wincing.

    “Can you go on?” Jyharri asked Chimchar.

    <Yeah,>

    “Go Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar engulfed himself in flame and shot straight towards Starly.

    “Dodge!”

    Starly quickly flew to the side, avoiding the attack. As soon as Chimchar’s flame went away Josh yelled, “Wing Attack!”

    Suddenly both of Starly’s wings started to glow and he flew straight at Chimchar.

    “Chimchar look out!” Jyharri shouted.

    But it was too late. Chimchar was hit and down.

    “Chimchar!”

    Chimchar started to get up slowly when Josh ordered for another Wing Attack. Starly flew in and hit Chimchar again, this time knocking him out.

    “Man,” Jyharri said as he and Josh recalled their Pokemon.

    “I told you.” Josh said. “You’re not in my league.”

    He simply tossed another Pokeball into the air and it released another familiar Pokemon. It was a Turtwig!

    “Eevee!” Jyharri said, “Take to the stage!”

    He threw the Pokeball in the air and it released the little fox like Pokemon.

    “She is so cute!” Kristi and Ali said together.

    “Eevee.” She said.

    “Alright Eevee, Quick Attack!”

    Eevee, like Starly before it, became nothing but a blur and dashed towards Turtwig and hit it before anyone could say anything.

    “Turt!” Turtwig said.

    “Turtwig! Razor Leaf!” Josh commanded.

    Razor sharp leaves shot out from Turtwig’s shell and went straight for Eevee.

    “Eevee dodge!”

    Eevee easily dodged the leaves by maneuvering through them.

    “Now Turtwig Tackle!”

    Turtwig ran straight at Eevee, ready to bash into her.

    “Eevee Sand Attack!” Jyharri yelled.

    Eevee quickly kicked up some of the sand form the ground to blind Turtwig. Some of the rocks and sticks also hit Turtwig dealing a little damage.

    “Now Tackle!”

    Eevee ran at Turtwig and threw her whole body at him tackling him and knocking him to the ground.

    “Again!” Jyharri told Eevee.

    Eevee again tackled Turtwig now knocking it out.

    “That was luck.” Josh said recalling his Pokemon.

    He threw Starly’s Pokeball in the air releasing his last Pokemon. Eevee was tired so it seemed Starly had the upper hand.

    “Go Wing Attack!” cried Josh.

    Starly’s wings started to glow again as he flew straight towards Eevee.

    “Eevee if you can dodge.” said Jyharri

    Eevee had tried to dodge but got hit by the attack and was knocked to the ground.

    “Now go for a barrage of Pecks!” said Josh.

    As told Starly flew down towards Eevee, beak glowing, and started pecking Eevee.

    “Eevee!” cried Jyharri. ‘She can’t take much more of this.’

    “Finish it!”

    Starly reared his head back the farthest it could and gave one last blow to Eevee. Eevee started to slide towards her Trainer, knocked out.

    “I told you,” Josh started, “You’re not in my league.”

    The two Trainers recalled their Pokemon into their Pokeballs as they looked at each other. Anger and sadness was in Jyharri’s eyes and Cockiness was in Josh’s. Josh turned around not saying a word and headed down the road towards Oreburgh City.

    “That must suck,” Ali said. “Losing and all.”

    “Well I won’t have to worry about that.” He said. “Cause now I’m gonna train even harder and I’m gonna beat him!”

    “That’s the spirit!” Kristi said. “Well looks like I’ll see you later then.”

    Kristi started to head towards the road when Ali said, “Keep training hard!”

    Kristi turned and gave her a thumbs up. “You know I will.” She started walking down the road towards Jubilife City. Jyharri watched her until she was out of sight.

    “Well,” he started. “Let’s go.”

    Ali recalled her Charmeleon and they walked on the road towards Oreburgh City.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Las Noches
    Posts
    102

    Default

    It seemed toward the end like you were rushing the story a bit. But I like it.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    254

    Default

    Your description of Prinplup was excellent. Do more stuff like that!

    The rest of the story was good, better than last time. I was not bored at all and I enjoyed the whole type not being everything aspect of the first battle.

    The end was kind of rushed though, and again you lose some descriptions in the process, but your getting better. Do more stuff like the Prinplup description and you should be on track.
    The Journey (Rated R)

    A pokemon adventure that will take you on a journey through the lives of budding trainers.

    3DS friend code: 2981-6128-1202

    Local Vivillon: Polar Pattern. If you want one I shall send it.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Chapter 7 is here and ready for reading!


    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 7: Battle for the Coal Badge!

    “Chimchar, Ember one more time!”

    Jyharri was getting in some last minute training before he got to Oreburgh. He was in a battle with a male trainer that was using a Pokemon that looked like a floating rock with two arms called Geodude.

    “Geodude, take the hit!” said the trainer

    “Geo.” said the Pokemon.

    The embers hit Geodude straight on but didn’t do much damage.

    “Good job!” complimented the trainer.

    “Dude,” Geodude said.

    ‘Nothing is working,’ thought Jyharri. ‘I can’t win this.’

    <There’s got to be something we can do.> said Chimchar.

    “Geodude use Tackle!”

    The Geodude flew in towards Chimchar as fast as it could as Chimchar braced itself for impact. The Geodude collided into Chimchar, knocking him back.

    “Again!” called the trainer.

    Geodude again flew towards Chimchar for another collision.

    <I am not gonna sit here and take this!> Chimchar was now beyond angry.

    He made a fist and was waiting for the Geodude to get a little closer. When Geodude got close enough for Chimchar he pulled his fist back and punched Geodude! Surprisingly Geodude was hurt!

    “What was that?!” Jyharri was as shocked as everyone else.

    “That was a Mach Punch!” Ali told him from the sidelines. “I can bet that after your Gym battle Chimchar will evolve into Monferno!”

    “Cool,” Jyharri simply said. “Again, Mach Punch!”

    Chimchar ran in towards Geodude and delivered another bone shattering punch. This time Geodude was out.

    “Nice!” said the trainer as he recalled his Pokemon. “I can tell that you have been raising your Chimchar well.”

    “Thanks.” replied Jyharri.

    The trainer picked up his bag and walked off towards Jubilife City.

    “If you didn’t learn Mach Punch right there we would have been finished.” Jyharri told Chimchar.

    <Wow that was tiring.> Chimchar fell over on the ground panting.

    “Have a nice rest, you’ll need it.” Jyharri recalled Chimchar back into his Pokeball and put it back onto his belt. “Well I suggest we get going. It’s only half a mile to Oreburgh and I want to win that badge as soon as possible.”

    The duo picked up their bags and started down the road to Oreburgh.





    “We’re finally here!” Jyharri exclaimed looking around Oreburgh.

    It would be a big step to get used to Oreburgh from being in Jubilife. In Jubilife there were tall buildings. In Oreburgh there weren’t that many tall buildings.

    “Oreburgh is more of a mining city than a city city.” said Ali.

    “I wonder where the gym is.” Jyharri said.

    “The gym.” said a voice from behind them.

    Jyharri and Ali turn around to see a man that seemed to be in his mid-20s. He was wearing glasses, a red mining helmet, a black undershirt, a grey over shirt with gold around the end of the short sleeves with pants that match the same color. He was also wearing black boots.

    “It’s right over there.” the man pointed.

    The gym was a big building that no one could miss. The size actually made Jyharri and Ali feel stupid about how they missed it.

    “Thank you.” Jyharri told him.

    “You might as well not go there.” said the man.

    “Why not?” questioned Ali.

    “The gym leader is out.” replied the man.

    “How do you know?”

    “I’m the gym leader.” revealed the man. “I’m Roark.”

    Jyharri got excited at this. “Well I’m challenging you to a gym battle here and now!”

    “How about in two hours?” suggested Roark.

    “Fine,” Jyharri was now upset that he would have to wait a full two hours for his gym battle.

    Roark walked toward what looked like the entrance to a cave and disappeared into it.

    “Ali, will you help me train for the next two hours?” Jyharri asked her

    “Yeah.” she answered.

    “Let’s go to the outskirts of town.”

    As Jyharri and Ali walked they saw all kinds of trainers and Pokemon alike. They saw some called Onix, Scizor, Crobat, and Zangoose. For the next hour and fifty minutes Jyharri battled against Ali the hardest he could. He lost but his Eevee learned how to use the move Shadow Ball and Dig.

    “Only ten minutes.” Jyharri said calmly waiting at the gym.

    “Hey!” someone called to them.

    The turned to see Roark running towards them. Jyharri was surprised, but not upset.


    “Yeah I know I’m early.” Roark said as soon as he was in front of Jyharri and Ali.

    “Doesn’t matter to me,” Jyharri told him.

    Roark reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. He put it into one of the gym doors and turned the doorknob and opened the door. Inside were bleachers on the side of a battle field. The field consisted of mostly rocks. There were big boulders here and there. In the middle was a Pokeball emblem.

    ‘Wow!’ Jyharri thought. ‘This is amazing.’

    “Ok, you,” said Roark pointing at Ali. “You have to be on the sidelines while we battle.”

    “Ok.” Ali said.

    When Ali was on the side of the field Jyharri noticed a man in a yellow shirt and black shorts also on the side. He was holding two flags, a green and red one.

    “Challenger,” he said to Jyharri. “State your name and birth place.”

    “Jyharri Ahmed of Twinleaf Town.” He told him.

    “Jyharri Ahmed of Twinleaf Town will take on the Oreburgh City Gym Leader, Roark!” the obviously referee said loudly. “It shall be two on two.” He held up both flags and brought them down as he said “Begin!”

    “Go Eevee!” Jyharri said throwing his Pokeball out.

    Out of it came the ever familiar evolution Pokemon.

    <Who do I have to take down now?> she said as soon as she was out.

    “Go Geodude!” Roark shouted throwing out his Pokeball.

    Out of his came the floating rock type known as Geodude.

    “Geodude!” it said.

    “Go Eevee Tackle!” ordered Jyharri.

    Eevee ran in towards Geodude and jumped at it attempting to tackle it. Eevee hit it but it didn’t do a thing.

    “Geodude Tackle.” commanded Roark

    Geodude flew in towards Eevee and hit Eevee rather hard.

    “Eevee are you alright?”

    <I’m good.> Eevee told him getting up.

    Before they could think of a move Geodude hit Eevee again making her fly back. Before she could get up Eevee got tackled once more. Eevee was almost done.

    “Eevee do you want out?” Jyharri asked his Pokemon concerned.

    <No. I’m gonna beat him.>

    “I like your Pokemon’s determination.” Roark said from across the field. “But that sometimes gets you hurt.”

    ‘I have to think of something.’ Jyharri thought. ‘He’s just going to come in for a tackles every time. That’s it!’

    “Geodude let’s finish them! Tackle!”

    Geodude was coming in for what could be the finishing blow when Jyharri said, “Eevee use Dig!”

    Eevee quickly burrowed under the field dodging the Tackle.

    “Nice.” Roark complimented.

    “Now Shadow Ball!” commanded Jyharri.

    Eevee popped out of the ground behind Geoudude and a blackish purple ball formed in her mouth. When the Geodude finally realized she was behind him she shot out the ball and it hit Geodude point blank in what could be its back. Geodude hit the ground but he got up and was back in the air.

    “Again!”

    Eevee shot out yet another ball of energy. This time it wasn’t a direct hit. It just hit Geodude in its left arm. After that last Shadow Ball both Geodude and Eevee were almost done. Then both Jyharri and Roark yelled, “Tackle!” Eevee and Geodude ran at each other. They were a few feet away, a few inches when they both collided they both flew back. The ref looked at both Pokemon and said, “Both Pokemon are unable to battle! It’s a double knockout!”

    “Eevee!” Jyharri ran over to his little Pokemon and picked her up. “Eevee you did well.” He told her.

    <Thanks.>

    Jyharri put her back into her Pokeball and went back to his spot and pulled out his last Pokeball.

    “Go Cranidos!” yelled Roark.

    When his Pokeball opened it released a Pokemon that looked like a small dinosaur. It has a gray body with jagged blue patterns on its skull and torso. Four spikes protrude from its thick skull. Its arms are short and chubby with three claws on each arm. Jyharri pilled out his Pokedex from his pocket with his free hand.

    “Cranidos, the Headbutt Pokemon,” said the Pokedex. “One of its characteristics is its iron-hard skull. It lived in dense forests at least 100 million years ago.”

    “Go Chimchar!” Jyharri threw his Pokeball towards the field and it released Chimchar the fire monkey.

    “Ok Chimchar,” he started. “If we win this we get the Coal Badge.”

    <Got it!> Chimchar said determined.

    “Cranidos Headbutt!”

    The Cranidos ran in towards Chimchar with its head down ready to hit him with it.

    “Ember Chimchar!”

    Chimchar shot out the embers and they hit Cranidos on the top of its head. It didn’t do much but it stopped it from running.

    “Now Flame Wheel!”

    Chimchar engulfed himself in flames and charged towards Craindos.

    “Cranidos dodge!” Roark shouted.

    Cranidos jumped behind Chimchar as Chimchar hit one of the rocks.

    “Now Headbutt!”

    Cranidos ran and hit Chimchar with its head making the rock shatter. Chimchar fell to the ground.

    “Chimchar Scratch!”

    Chimchar turned on its back and scratched Cranidos in its face making it scream in pain.

    “Now Mach Punch!” Jyharri told Chimchar.

    Chimchar balled up a fist and punched Cranidos in the face making it fly back.

    “Good job!” Jyharri told his Pokemon.

    <Don’t mess with me!> Chimchar told Cranidos.

    “Cranidos Tackle!”

    Cranidos ran in towards Chimchar as fast as it could.

    “Stop that Cranidos!” Jyharri said.

    Chimchar grabbed Cranidos and held on, but was sliding back because Craindos was stronger.

    “Now try and toss him in the air!”

    With all his might Chimchar managed to lift up Cranidos and throw him a good few feet in the air.

    “Hit him with Ember!”

    Chimchar released the barrage of embers upon Cranidos. All of them hit point blank. Cranidos was getting hurt badly. And Jyharri knew exactly how to finish it.

    “Now give him a barrage of Mach Punch!” commanded Jyharri.

    Chimchar jumped up towards Cranidos and started punching him over and over and over.

    “Now punch him to the ground!”

    Chimchar turned Cranidos so that his back was to the ground and gave him one hard punch to the gut sending him flying into the ground.

    The ref looked at Cranidos and shouted, “Cranidos is unable to battle! Jyharri from Twinleaf Town is the winner!” he pointed the green flag at Jyharri.

    “Yes!” Jyharri shouted jumping up and down. “We did it Chimchar!” he grabbed Chimchar and started hugging him.

    <I told him not to mess with me!> Chimchar said.

    Roark recalled Cranidos and walked over to Jyharri.

    “You’ve earned this.” He said holding something in his hand. “The Coal Badge.”

    Jyharri looked at it and took it out of his hand. The badge was actually sort of shaped like a piece of coal that was brown instead of black.

    “Thank you!” Jyharri, thanking Roark.

    “No thank you for a hard fought battle.”



    “Congratulations.” Ali said once they were outside of the gym.

    “Where’s the next Gym located?” Jyharri said still looking at his badge in his badge case.

    “Eterna City.” Ali told him after thinking about it.

    “So that means we have to go back to Jubilife, then go through Floaroma City, then through Eterna Forest.”

    “That’s a lot.” Ali pointed out.

    “Well if it means getting my Gym badge I’m not complaining.”

    “Well we better stay here for awhile before we head out.” Ali told him.

    “Let’s stay for at least four days.” Jyharri decided.

    “Ok then.” Ali said as they started to walk towards the Pokemon Center to get an earned rest.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    A music box.
    Posts
    502

    Default

    Man, I HATE Dial Up. Anyway, back on topic.

    I have to admit, it started out a little rocky with a few grammatical errors, but it got way better toward the end. One part that I didn't really like was the Pokemon talking part. It's not so much that he can understand them, but more because it was never fully explained. But other than that, I really like it. You've got a really good story.
    These tickets and passports will lead me home...
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/x5e1a8.jpg[/IMG]
    [Credit to ~.:Northern Lights:.~ for the incredible banner.]

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    <--
    Posts
    59

    Default

    (OOC: You COULD have Cable, and be bogged down like a slow pony. O.o)
    Any way, not to bad. I'm jealous of your posting skills.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Sorry about the delay on this chapter but I had to think about somethings. Anyway this chapter may seem short. That's because I didn't have alot of time on the computer to make it lengthy. Anyway here is Chapter 8!


    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 8: Back to Jubilife City!


    “Man this badge is so cool!” Jyharri was still admiring his first badge as he and Ali trekked back toward Jubilife City. It was about midday when they left, now it was almost sundown.

    “It’s almost sundown.” Ali pointed out. “We should walk a couple more miles then set up camp.”

    “Yeah, yeah yeah.” Jyharri said not even looking at his companion.

    “Are you even listening to me?” Ali waved her hand in front of his face.

    “I heard everything you just said.” Jyharri told her putting away his badge case.

    “Then tell me the last thing I said.”

    “Tell me the last thing I said?” Jyharri guessed.

    Ali gave him a look that he knew meant that he was wrong. Suddenly there was a scream. It came from the direction of Jubilife City. Ali and Jyharri looked at each other and knew what they had to do. They ran in the direction of the scream. After ten minutes of running, they saw a girl of about eleven laying on the ground with what looked like a bear standing over her. It had razor sharp claws, both on its feet and paws. Next to the bear was a little creature that looked like a small dog with a long nose also what looked like embers on its back.

    “What is that?!” Jyharri was startled as he pulled out his Pokedex.

    “Ursaring, the Hibernator Pokemon.” His Pokedex said, “Ursaring's sense of smell is among the most developed of all Pokémon; it can detect subtle differences in scents. For this reason, Ursaring is sometimes used by police in the Pokémon universe, both as a strong enforcer, and as an explosive-sniffing Pokémon. If criminals are hiding in trees, it can use its claws to cut down the tree.”
    Upon hearing the Pokedex, and most likely smelling the two who arrived, the Ursaring turned around and let out a big roar. When it turned around it appeared to have a ring on its stomach.

    “Please help me!” cried the girl.

    “Don’t worry,” Jyharri told her. “We’ll handle this.”

    “Let’s try a double ember,” Ali suggested.

    They both threw up their Pokeballs and out popped Jyharri’s Chimchar and Ali’s Charmeleon. If they attacked together they might take it down.

    “Chimchar!”

    “Charmeleon”

    “Ember attack!” they said in unison.

    Chimchar and Charmeleon both shot out a barrage of embers out of their mouths and straight at Ursaring. They connected point blank. The Ursaring fell down and hit the ground with a thud.

    “Oh yeah!” Jyharri cheered.

    Right after he said this Ursaring got up like nothing had happened to it. It gave them a low growl and bared its claws as it ran at Charmeleon. It swung its claws and hit Charmeleon in its stomach. Charmeleon flew and hit a tree. It was obvious the it was knocked out and couldn’t battle.

    “Charmeleon!” Ali recalled her Pokemon back into its ball and just looked at it.

    “Looks like it’s up to us Chimchar,” Jyharri said.

    <Got it,> Chimchar said.

    Ursaring reared its head back and an orange and yellow orb appeared in its mouth.

    “Watch out Chimchar that’s Hyper Beam!” Jyharri warned his Pokemon.

    Chimchar jumped to the side as Ursaring let out the ball that then turned into a beam and shot down the road destroying anything in its way. Chimchar luckily was barely hit. It flew back and hit the ground.

    “Are you ok Chimchar?”

    <I can’t do this.> Chimchar said. <There’s no way!>

    “Don’t say that!” Jyharri told him. “I know you can do it!”

    Suddenly Chimchar began glowing white.

    “What’s happening to Chimchar?” Jyharri asked.

    “He’s evolving.” Ali said.

    The light that looked like Chimchar began to change in shape. It started to get bigger. It grew a tail and longer arms and legs. When the light disappeared Chimchar was gone. In front of them stood a monkey with white hair around its neck and gold arm bands. It also had blue-and-red markings on its face. Jyharri pulled out his Pokedex.

    “Monferno, the Playful Pokemon,” the Pokedex spoke once again. “The flame on its tail is often used as a weapon. When threatened, Monferno increases the size of its flame in order to appear larger than it really is which is useful in scaring off attacking foes.”

    “Woah,” Jyharri said simply. “Now I definitely know we can do it.”

    <Ready when you are.> the newly evolved Monferno said.

    “Go Flame Wheel!”

    Monferno engulfed itself in flames and ran at the Ursaring. Since the Ursaring was still getting its energy back from using that Hyper Beam it couldn’t dodge in time. When Monferno hit him he wasn’t done. He was still engulfed in flames and rammed the Ursaring once more. The Ursaring hit the ground again and looked like it wasn’t getting up soon. That’s when Jyharri knew that it was his chance.

    “Pokeball, go!” he said as he threw the Pokeball at the fallen Ursaring.

    Ursaring turned into a red beam and was sucked into the ball. The ball hit the ground and shook three times before stopping completely. The red light in the middle gave one more flash and disappeared. Jyharri picked up the Pokeball and said, “I just caught an Ursaring!”

    Ali walked over to the little girl who was kneeling over the little creature they saw earlier.

    “Would you mind telling us what happened?” Ali asked her in a sweet voice.

    The girl picked up the creature and said, “I was walking with my Cyndaquil when that Ursaring attacked us.” She started, “I thought we could handle it but it took out my Cyndaquil with one shot.”

    “So that’s a Cyndaquil.” Jyharri said appearing at their side.

    “Cyndaquil,” the Pokedex said, “the Fire Mouse Pokemon. Cyndaquil are generally timid and not naturally aggressive, and are often seen curled into a ball for protection. This action leaves its back and special flame-emitting vent fur exposed. When predators and enemies stalk too close, Cyndaquil unleashes a furious flame from the vents as a deterrent. If provoked further, Cyndaquil will intensify its flames, creating a smokescreen that will buy it some time to escape.”

    “Cynda?” it said waking up.

    “Cyndaquil you’re ok.” She said hugging her Pokemon. “These guys helped us against that mean Ursaring.”

    “Quil!” it said almost thanking them for helping its Trainer.

    “Just be careful next time, ok?” Jyharri told her.

    “Ok.” said the girl.

    “Well we better get going and you should take your Cyndaquil to a Pokemon Center.” Ali piped in.

    After they said their goodbyes the girl and her Cyndaquil ran towards Oreburgh City, where two days before Jyharri earned his first badge.





    “Want to see him?”

    “No! Don’t act like that.”

    “I’ll bring him out so you can give him a hug.”

    Ever since Jyharri had caught Ursaring the other day he has been torturing Ali by acting like he would bring him out. It was really starting to get on her nerves.

    “Let’s just focus on getting to Jubilife.” Ali told him.

    It was morning, around ten am to be exact. They had been walking for about an hour and a half. They had been able to see Jubilife the whole time but it was still far away.

    “I say when we get to Jubilife we leave right away!” Jyharri shouted.

    “Must you shout?” Ali asked irritated.

    “Well when I’m done with you you’re gonna wish you could shout.” said a voice from behind.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    610

    Default

    I liked it but Chimchar just evolved to fast.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Pokemon: The Sinnoh Adventure! Chapter 9: Battle on Route 203!



    “You’re going to wish you could shout when I’m done with you.”

    Jyharri and Ali wheeled around to face a boy of about fifteen in a tan shirt and a blue coat. He was also wore blue jeans. His hair was a shade of blonde that was messy. His eyes were a cold blue color, the kind that told you this person is not the kind you want to associate with.

    “You,” he pointed to Jyharri. “I challenge you to a battle.”

    “I don’t even know your name.” Jyharri told the stranger.

    “The name is Zack.” he said.

    “Alright Zack, I accept!”

    Like before, the Trainers went to the side of the road to hold their battle. The terrain was rough with rocks everywhere. The little grass that was there was dead.

    “It’ll be two on two.” Zack announced.

    “Alright,” Jyharri nodded his head.

    Zack pulled a Pokeball off his belt and said, “Go Bibarel!”

    He threw up his ball to reveal a creature that looked like a beaver with a plump brown body and a thick, flat tail.

    “A Biabarel huh,” said Jyharri. “Go Monferno!”

    Jyharri threw his ball in the air and when it opened his evolved starter Pokemon, Monferno, came out. When he was completely out Monferno started punching the air like he was a boxer.

    “You can make the first move.” Zack told him.

    “Ember attack!” Jyharri told his Pokemon.

    Monferno shot out the barrage of embers faster than normal. They were closing in on Bibarel but it just sat there like nothing was happening.

    “Bibarel block it with your tail.”

    Just as they were about to connect Bibarel lifted up his tail and basically blocked it.

    “How did he not get hurt?” Jyharri was stunned.

    “His tail is so thick it’s like he was hit by a ping pong ball.” Ali told him.

    “Well let’s see how he dodges this! Flame Wheel,”

    Monferno engulfed itself in flames and started running towards the beaver Pokemon. Again Bibarel just sat there like before.

    “Bibarel dodge then Iron Tail.” Zack said calmly.

    The Bibarel dodged the fire type easily and his tail started to glow. He swung his tail towards Monferno as he looked at the beaver. He tried to dodge but it was too late. He was hit smack in the chest. Monferno was sent back towards his Trainer as he skidded on the ground.

    “Can you get up?” Jyharri asked his Pokemon concerned.

    <Don’t you worry.> Monferno assured him. <I’m going to beat the teeth off this beaver wannabe!>

    “Alright now let’s do this right!” Jyharri said getting pumped. ‘Let’s see if I use Ember he’ll just block with his tail,’ Jyharri thought to himself. ‘If I use Flame Wheel he’ll dodge and use Iron Tail and this will be over with quick.’

    When Jyharri was still thinking he heard SMACK! He looked up to see that Monferno was hit with Iron Tail again.

    “No time to think.” Zack told his opponent. “Now Hyper Fang,”

    Bibarel wasted not time. He dashed towards Monferno and opened his mouth ready for what could be a critical blow.

    “Monferno Mach Punch!” Jyharri yelled at the last minute.

    Right before Bibarel was about to make Monferno into a monkey sandwich, the fire type punched Bibarel right in the jaw. He was sent backwards and started skidding on his back.

    “Now Ember!”

    Monferno also didn’t waste time. He jumped in the air and released the fireballs upon the Normal/Water type.

    “Bibarel!” was all Zack had to say.

    He lifted up his tail to block the fireballs.

    “I knew he would do that!” Jyharri shouted. “Flame Wheel!”

    By the time Bibarel put his tail down Monferno was right in front of him engulfed in flames. He knew he couldn’t dodge this one. He was hit point blank.

    “Now finish him with Mach Punch.” Jyharri punched his hand in the air.

    <Take this ugly!>

    Monferno pulled back and punched Bibarel his hardest in the gut. Bibarel’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets. When Monferno was back on Jyharri’s side it was clear that Bibarel was finished. Zack recalled it back into the Pokeball and simply tossed out another ball. When it opened it revealed a monkey with a hand at the end of its tail.

    “An Aipom,” Jyharri said pulling out his Pokedex.

    “Aipom, the Long Tail Pokemon.” his Pokedex said. “On its thin tail is a three fingered hand-like appendage that is very dexterous. It provides both propulsion and balance while Aipom leaps from tree to tree. Aipom is not aggressive by nature and will attempt to tire its natural opponents through dexterous dodging of the opponent’s attacks in hope that the enemy will be discouraged and leave.”

    “Return,” Jyharri recalled his Monferno back into its ball as he pulled out another. “Time to test this one out.” he threw the ball onto the field and out came his newest Pokemon, Ursaring.

    “That’s a really big Ursaring.” Zack said almost trembling.

    “I guess he is bigger than a normal one.” Jyharri said just noticing.

    Ursaring just shrugged his shoulders and got ready for the battle.

    “I forfeit man!” he recalled his Aipom and ran away as fast as he could.

    Jyharri and his Ursaring looked at each other and Jyharri said, “I guess people think you’re intimidating.” Jyharri looked around. “Where’s Ali?”

    Ursaring went behind a rock and picked up Ali who was in a ball.

    “He’s not scary anymore see?”

    “I know, but he still scares me.” Ali said trembling.

    Ursaring set her down on the ground and walked by Jyharri, who recalled him back into the Pokeball and put it back on his belt.

    “Let’s go.” Jyharri told Ali.

    “Just don’t bring him out again.”

    “Ok I promise.”

    They picked up their bags and continued on the way to Jubilife City.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    733

    Default

    Well, I must say that there are some improvements over your previous stories.

    In parts, there have been some definite improvements in your Pokemon descriptions. Unfortunately, because of that, it's very easy to see where you've rushed because the descriptions are much skimpier.
    Quote Originally Posted by Prinplup, Ch. 6 (GOOD)
    And sure enough, out of the Pokeball did not appear a Piplup, but something that looked like an older sibling to Piplup. The particular blue coloration of its body makes it appear to be wearing a coat; the white circular patterns on its belly resemble buttons. It also has a distinct dual crest on its head resembling a tiara or a crown.
    Quote Originally Posted by Aipom, Ch. 9 (NEEDS IMPROVEMENT)
    When it opened it revealed a monkey with a hand at the end of its tail.
    Even though Aipom's the only Pokemon with a single hand on its tail (Ambipom has two), a more detailed description would be appreciated, i.e., its purple fur, its big toothy smile. Also try mixing action with your physical description to avoid it reading like a tacked-on list. Here is a Chimchar description I whipped up for someone else as an example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Chimchar example
    The Pokemon next to her was a tiny monkey. Its fur was orange except for light brown patches around its face and torso. Instead of a tail, a small but intense red flame burned and flickered, emerging from the rear of the creature. It smiled at its trainer, its big eyes looking endearingly at her. Like most primates, it could make use of fully developed hands with opposable thumbs.
    Your battles have gone from being bland at the start to being decent in your later chapters. Really, it's a matter of using more creative vocabulary and maybe including more actions between trainer commands. In my fic, sometimes I have my Pokemon perform two or three rounds of sparring between commands. Again, that may not be your writing style; some authors prefer to have their Pokemon do only what the Trainer instructs. If so, you could still show more action by having a Pokemon taunt its adversary, or have it breathe heavily out of exhaustion.

    I'm not really keen on the captures of Eevee and Ursaring (Eevee are typically too rare to be found in the wild and Ursaring is powerful enough that two Flame Wheels shouldn't have been enough to weaken it to the point of capture. Plus, fully evolved Pokemon this early=possible Gary-Stu.

    And I have to agree that Chimchar evolved a bit too quickly. Yes, it was after the first gym but that mean you progressed to the first gym a bit quickly. And I'm hoping that soon something comes up that strays from the basic "train, battle random trainer" routine. Team Galactic scheme, natural disaster, just something to bring some unexpected excitement.

    Onto (general) grammar advice:

    When using dialogue with dialogue tags, such as:
    “Bibarel dodge then Iron Tail.” Zack said calmly.
    the period at the end of the quote should be a comma. Question marks and exclamation points you leave as is, but periods become commas. I detail this fully in the "Grammar Advice" link in my sig.

    Another thing I noticed is that you don't use commas enough. For example, in the sentence I quoted above, you should have a comma after "Bibarel". I really can't give any clear cut rules on comma usage because part of it is personal writing style, but there are quite a few instances throughout where I felt a comma was needed.

    One thing you started not doing is reverting to present tense for descriptions. It is important to keep everything in one verb tense, and throughout, you've started to do that.

    Overall opinion? Definitely better than before, and hopefully my description example will help out. I also recommend slowing down the pace of the story (it does move a bit too fast) and also perhaps spending more time between posts (my chapters are usually 2-3 weeks apart).

Page 1 of 6 12345 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •