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Thread: Untitled at the Moment (PearlShipping)

  1. #1
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    Default Untitled at the Moment (PearlShipping)

    Hello everyone. I've been a member here for a while now and I've snooped around here for even longer, and I decided to try and write a fan fiction of my own. This is a small portion of a story I'm writing. I'm posting it to see how everyone likes it or dislikes it. The story might have grammatical errors or other errors, mainly because I haven't ever written a story like this. The only stories I've written were ones required by school. I'd love for you all to review this small part and if you guys like it I'll finish the story and post more. Be as harsh as you want on the reviews, I know I have a ton to improve upon.

    Here it goes...



    Seventeen year old Ash Ketchum ran through the forrest outside of Jubilife City in search of his best non-human friend, a small, yellow mouse named Pikachu. An organized crime syndicate from his home region of Kanto called Team Rocket had tried furiously over the years to steal the boy's Pikachu for the purpose of presenting him to their boss in return for a pay raise. The three Team Rocket members that followed Ash and his friends around were not as bad as they tried to disguise themselves as, but sometimes they took things too far. This time, the man, woman, and their talking Meowth had kidnapped Pikachu in an electric-proof case and dropped him in the woods moments later.

    The tiny elecric rodent had fallen into the forrest below the Meowth head balloon unseen by everyone but a sixteen year old girl named Dawn Evergreen. Pikachu had escaped from the small container that had held him captive and fallen into a bush next to the surprisingly developed teenager clad in a black tank-top and a short, tight, pink mini-skirt. Dawn had been feeling ill since she had left Sandgem Town. She hadn't been able to keep her lunch down, so she figured she was most likely a little dehydrated.

    "Pi, Pikachu." Pikachu climbed out of the bush and walked over to Dawn slowly. When he saw the girl smile at him, he became visibly more relaxed since he sensed that she would be willing to help him.

    "Well aren't you just a little cutie!" Dawn bent down and scratched behind Pikachu's ears. "Who do you belong to?"

    The mouse hopped onto the girls shoulder and rubbed his cheek against her face. "Pikapi!"

    "You're a friendly one!" the girl giggled at Pikachu's gesture. "I'll call Professor Rowan and ask him what to do!"

    Dawn pulled out her PokeNav and placed a call to Professor Rowan, the man in charge of setting up new trainers with a starter Pokemon for the Sinnoh Region. The Professor explained to her that a boy named Ash Ketchum had just arrived in Sinnoh and his Pikachu was kidnapped by a global crime syndicate called Team Rocket. When Dawn learned that Ash was only ten minutes away from her, she decided to sit down with Pikachu and rest. The girl was still feeling very ill, and thought it would be a good idea to have a small sip of water. After about seven or eight minutes, Dawn had passed out from dehydration. She was young and inexperienced as a traveler, so the girl had no idea what the signs of dehydration were, or what it is for that matter. Dawn was too weak to walk, stand up, she could barely move to get another tiny sip of water.

    "Pi, Pikapi pikachu pi!" Yelled out the cute electric type Pokemon. Dawn saw the little creature jump off of her and run a few feet away, but she was too weak to do anything. After another thirty seconds, a tall tanned boy with a slightly muscular frame walked over to her. He wore a neat-looking black, red, and yellow checkered sweater and a white button up shirt with the collar up and a cleanly pressed pair of blue jeans. Dawn could see that Pikachu had taken position on the shoulder of the boy.

    "You m--must be Ash." Dawn stated weakly.

    "The Pokemon center is a fifteen minute walk from here," Ash said to her. He knelt down besides her and felt her forhead. "You've got quite a fever, I'll carry you to the Pokemon center. Also, I can't thank you enough for helping Pikachu, he means alot to me.

    "It was n--nothing." the girl whispered.

    Ash bent back down and put one arm around the girls neck and one under her knees. He lifted her up with ease and began walking to the center, making sure to keep her awake. She was probably just dehydrated, but Ash was no Nurse Joy, so he did that to be on the safe side.

    Dawn looked deeply into the boy's dark brown eyes and noticed how attractive he was. She usually wasn't a shallow person, but given the current situation, she couldn't help herself. She could feel how strong he was when he walked with her in his arms. She felt how steady his breath was, not speeding up at all even with an extra ninety pounds she added plus his bag of supplies and his Pikachu. The boy's willingness to pick up a random stranger who was in need of help and carry her all the way to a Pokemon Center two miles away made her blush. She could tell that he was an amazing boy, mainly because of the bond she could see between him and Pikachu. Dawn already had a crush, and she'd been on her Pokemon journey for less than four hours. "Ash, I-- I can't thank you enough for... for all of this."

    "It's nothing Dawn, you didn't expect me to leave you there, did you?" He smiled down at her.

    "You know, Ash, you have a gorgeous smile." Dawn said to him in her weak voice, she blushed, but he showed it much more.

    Ash looked down at her, not being able to stop himself from smiling at her again. "You're smile is very pretty too, Dawn." He said to her. Ash couldn't deny that she was beautiful, but now wasn't a good time to try and attempt to be romantic. "How are you feeling?"

    "A little better." Dawn smiled at him both because he said her smile was pretty and she was feeling better after he held her in his arms. "Being in your arms makes me feel safe, Ash. Its like you're making me better with your presence."

    He let out a small laugh. "I only wish that was true. That's probably the fever talking."

    "I don't think so, Ash." She said to him in as sweet a voice she could under the circumstances. When she started coughing, Ash picked up the pace and began running.

    "Here we are, Dawn! You don't have to deal with me any longer." Ash laughed a little to try and cheer her up. "Nurse Joy will make you all better. Thank you again for staying with Pikachu." He turned to walk away, but Dawn's voice stopped him.

    "Ash will you stay with me, please? I don't have any friends around here, I would be more comfortable if someone I knew was here." Dawn really wanted Ash to stay with her. He did make her feel comfortable in the strange surrounding she was in. She wasn't sure why, but Ash made her feel happy.

    "Sure Dawn, of course I'll wait with you." Ash sat down in a chair next to Dawn's bed. "Nurse Joy says you should be good to go in the morning, maybe we could travel together for a bit if you wouldn't mind the company." He was trying to cheer his new friend up.

    Dawn looked over to him and couldn't help but blush. Here's this older boy that barely met her waiting by her bedside for her to recover after carrying her for two miles in his arms. "You have no idea how much I would love to travel with you, Ash!" Dawn's voice suddenly took on an excited tone. "You're not just doing this to make me feel better?"

    Ash blushed a little bit and let out a small chuckle. "I am doing it to help you feel better, but I really would like it if you traveled with me. You seem like a cool girl, Dawn. I can tell that Pikachu really likes you too, he usually never warms up to anyone this fast."

    Pikachu jumped off of Ash's shoulder. "Pi pikachu pikapi!"

    The new trainer couldn't take her eyes off of Ash. 'How could this boy be so nice? He's cute, nice, strong, sweet, willing to deal with a new trainer like me. I wonder if he likes me.' Dawn had tons of questions among these zipping through her mind. She just laid in her bed and smiled at the boy.

    Much to Dawn's surprise, Pikachu hopped up onto Dawn's bed and curled up on her stomach. "Your little Pikachu sure is friendly!" Dawn giggled as the small Pokemon tickled her midsection with his tail and tiny paws. "I can tell your master trained you well, cutie!"

    "Pi?" Pikachu began to chuckle and Ash joined in with him after they realized what the girl had said.

    "Did I miss something?" The new coordinator looked around.

    "Dawn, I'm not Pikachu's master, he's my best friend, like all of my Pokemon. I would rather treat them as equals than as pets like a lot of trainers do." Ash decided in his mind that he would show Dawn the rest of his Pokemon later. "It makes the experience better for everyone."

    Dawn looked at her two new pals oddly. "I guess that makes sense. I never really thought of it that way. Every trainer I've met before you didn't do things your way." She smiled at Ash again, blushing. "You must be a really good trainer, Ash."

    "I like to think so!" Ash laughed at himself. 'Why does Dawn keep smiling at me? The fever must be affecting her quite a bit, she's been red since I ran into her in the woods.' He thought to himself. 'She must have lost her beanie on the way over here, I'll surprise her with one later tonight.' "Dawn, get some rest. I have something that I need to take care of, I'll be back in an hour or so. Pikachu, stay with Dawn to keep her company for me."

    "Pi-ka-chu!" cooed Ash's buddy, still laying on Dawn's belly.

    "Okay, Ash." Dawn looked a little sad that he was going to go. "Promise you'll come back?"

    "Of course I will, Dawn." Ash rubbed her shoulder softly to comfort her a bit more. "You should be back to normal by tomorrow morning, try and get some rest."

    Ash left the Pokemon Center and walked into town to try and find some sort of a hat store. 'I wonder why Dawn acts so strange around me.' Ash thought to himself, entering a store with several beanies in the shop window. 'It's like she doesn't want me to leave her side, its wierd, but for some reason, I like the feeling. Oh well, let's find her a new hat.' Ash immediately saw the one that he wanted to get for her. It was a bright but slightly faded pink beanie with a white Pokeball design like Ash's that had a light green outline. 'I hope she doesn't think I'm cheesy for doing this. Last time I tried doing something nice for a girl it ended up with me getting hurt but at least she ended up happy. I don't want to get hurt again, though.'

    At around ten o'clock, Ash returned to the Pokemon center after feeding himself and his Pokemon and buying Dawn a new hat since she lost her last one with Ash. He entered Dawn's room and to his suprise, she was still wide awake. Pikachu was laying on his back, still positioned on her stomach, snoring loudly.

    "Sorry about Pikachu, Dawn, he does that to everyone he likes." Ash sat down in the recliner next to Dawn's bed.

    "Ash, where were you?" the girl asked him, seeming like she was worrying about his safety. "You were gone for almost two hours!"

    "Sorry if you worried, Dawn." Ash looked up at the television that she had the Lilycove Super Contest highlights playing on. "I fed my Pokemon the last of the food I had yesterday, so I had to buy some new supplies, I ate at the cafeteria, and I got you something."

    Dawn blushed. "For me? What do you mean, Ash?"

    Ash pulled out a small package from his bag. Whoever wrapped the package was obviously not skilled in arts and crafts. "Uh, sorry it looks ugly now, I'm not so good at wrapping stuff up. Hopefully you'll like whats inside." Ash's voice trailed off at the end, clearly embarrassed by his lack of a 'feminine touch.'

    Dawn carefully untied the lopsided ribbon that Ash placed on her hat and slowly ripped through the tissue paper. She held up the hat and looked at it with a huge smile on her face. "Oh, Ash, its perfect! I love it so much!" The girl carefully lifted Pikachu off of her belly and set him down on the extra pillow that she had next to her body. She got up and kissed Ash on the cheek. "Thank you so much, Ash!" Dawn blushed, realizing what she had done.

    Ash was giggling incoherently with a stupid look on his face. "It's no problem Dawn, really." He sat back down in the chair. "Hey, you need to get some sleep. I'll stay up here until you fall asleep, nobody should have to be in the hospital alone."

    "You're so sweet, Ash." Dawn gave him the cutest look he'd seen in a long time. "Has anyone ever told you that before?"

    Ash's memory was jogged by her question and the way she looked at him. He became sad all of a sudden, not wanting to speak anymore. "Not in a long time." The boy said, audibly upset.

    Seeing Ash like this caused Dawn to hurt inside. "Did I do something wrong?"

    "Nothing at all, Dawn. I was just reminded of something I'd rather not remember, that's all." He showed her a fake smile, hoping it would pass, but to no avail.

    "I'm here if you want to talk, Ash." Dawn put her hand down on Ash's shoulder.

    "Not now, you need rest, Dawn." Ash took Dawn's hand and guided her into her bed with his other hand on the small of her back. He pulled the covers up over her and went to sit back down. "Thank you, Dawn." He whispered. She blushed at the boy's touch, it gave her a tingly feeling that she enjoyed very much.

    Dawn sat in her bed and watched Ash fall asleep in the chair next to her bed. "You're amazing, Ash Ketchum." She whispered to nobody but herself.

    "Pikapi, Pi Pi-Ka-Chu Pika!"

    Dawn, startled, turned over to see Pikachu smiling at her. "Oh, Pikachu, Ash is amazing, dont you think?"

    "Pika!" cooed the cute electric type.

    "I really like him Pikachu, and I've known him for less than a day." Dawn was snuggling against the hat that Ash bought her. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

    "Chu." Pikachu shook his head. "Pi Pikachu, pika pika pikachu. Pi pi chu pikapi." He tried to tell Dawn that Ash already liked her, but she didn't understand. The yellow rodent decided to tell her using a different course of action. He took Ash's hat and put it on his head and kissed Dawn on the cheek.

    "You think he does, Pikachu?" Dawn's eyes grew wide. She took the hat from Pikachu and put it on her head before she nodded off to sleep.










    Well guys, there's the first part. Give me your worst!
    Last edited by Disraeli Gears; 3rd July 2007 at 7:05 PM.
    Currently re-playing Sapphire/FR so I can send some of my favorites over to Diamond

    Hans, 4596 6057 5058


  2. #2
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    Hey guys, I have a bunch more written, but I want to know what you think before I post more. I don't want to look like a fool posting my story if nobody likes it, so whether or not you like it, please comment on it. I want to know if it's bad so I can start a new story and hopefully make it better.
    Currently re-playing Sapphire/FR so I can send some of my favorites over to Diamond

    Hans, 4596 6057 5058


  3. #3
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    You're just like me Disraeli, been around the block a few times but never really mingled with the neighbors...

    Anyways, great idea for fic; good plot, organization, and the like. The only problem I see is how fast the couple is forming. I know these things do happen, but they are rare and soon fall apart (of course, if that's how your planning it, I applaud you). I would advance their relationship at a much slower rate, but that's just me.

    Please do continue the fic.


    Christian and American.

    "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, and human stupidity. Quite frankly, I'm not so sure about hydrogen."

    Forever an Advanceshipper!

  4. #4
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    good job its nice


  5. #5
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    I like how you leave traces of things that happened in Ash's past... please do continue, and i agree u should slow down the relationship.

  6. #6
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    Yeah, I'm going to rewrite it to go slower. At first I was going to make it a shorter story since its really the first fan fiction story I've ever written, but I think I'll make it a longer one. To be honest, this site is the first place I'd ever heard of fan fiction stories, I never really thought it was as big as it is, not only for Pokemon, but for everything. Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on it and repost it with a title!
    Currently re-playing Sapphire/FR so I can send some of my favorites over to Diamond

    Hans, 4596 6057 5058


  7. #7
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    I enjoyed the story. A little too fast, but its your first time. Pearlshipping is one of my favorite ships, so I like the story even more. Please continue as you will.

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