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Thread: The Bearer of the Key

  1. #1
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    Default The Bearer of the Key

    Prologue

    Rebecca saw emptiness stretching out ahead of her, and in the distance, a small log cabin. She began walking towards it. When she reached it, she could see two men inside, talking. One was an older man, and the other was in his thirties. The older man spoke first.

    "My time is nearly up. Another must be chosen to take my place."

    "One has been chosen, and she stands at the door of this cabin as we speak."
    Rebecca looked around, surprised. She couldn't see anyone else standing near the door. Suddenly, it dawned on her. She was "chosen", whatever that meant.

    The younger man spoke again, and this time he spoke with a calm, authoritative voice, "Come in. We have been waiting for your arrival."
    Shocked, but seeing that she had no choice, Rebecca entered the cabin.
    The older man saw her, and he seemed taken aback. The man spoke questioningly, "Her? She is young, and appears weak. Why her? What chance does she have?"

    The other man said, "You appeared weak when we chose you. Why should this be any different? Beacuse of her apparent weakness, they will never guess her."

    "But, sir, that was before the Hawk of Shadow came when the boundary fell in Russia."

    Again, the calm, authoritative tone returned. "I know that, and we believe has come here to challenge this boundary and let more inside the walls of this world. Remember, while the loss of one key may be bad, this boundary still has eleven. I am sure that she is the right choice. She is a true human, and more intelligent than average."

    The older man seemed somewhat reassured, "She may be able, but I don't know, it just seems wrong."

    Rebecca stood there, having heard and not understood a word of the conversation. A true human? What other kind of human was there?

    The man who was in charge, the younger man, turned to her, "Rebecca, know that you have been chosen for a great responsibility. You are chosen to be the next bearer of this key."

    At this, he motioned to the older man, who pulled a tiny key out of his pocket.

    He continued, turning back towards her, "There are several boundaries on Earth. They are small objects that protect us. If they were not there, Earth would be totally vulnerable to the armies of an emperor that already has conquered many planets. He, along with most his people on Earth, are of a species called Kenonians that is exceptionally long lived and can alter its appearance nearly at will. However, each of them has a single identifying mark, which remains no matter what form they take. This mark must be exposed to the air, but it does move if they choose to move it. The key that you will receive is one of twenty that protect a boundary near this area. The school that you will go to for one more year is across the street from a library, no?"

    "Yes, it is. Why does that matter?"

    "That library has one of the places where a key is used hidden behind it. The fifth square in the sidewalk opens upward to reveal a tunnel. At the end of this tunnel is the keyhole where this key fits. If all twenty doors are unlocked, the gate protecting the boundary generator falls. The Kenonians could each and shut off the generator. Twenty years ago, in Russia, this happened. We had to use all of the keys that we had in order to strengthen the remaining generators. That is why you must know where the key leads. One other will be chosen as your Knower. They will be told that you have the key and where it leads. Both you and the Knower will have marks. It is an effect of the key. This key's mark often appears in the shape of a sideways semicolon. Do not move the mark unless you have to, as it will draw attention to it. Other Bearers' marks will appear to glow. Finally, do not speak of the keys unless you are positive that you cannot be overheard, and even then, only speak with another Bearer or Knower. Never write or type of the keys anywhere. Do not tell anyone that you saw or spoke to us. I believe it is now time for you to return to the world of the awake, and leave this world of dreams."

    Rebecca waited a second, then spoke, "I have a very close friend named Rachel. It would be very difficult for me to keep this from her. Could she be chosen as my Knower?"

    "We have not yet chosen your Knower, but we may choose her. If we do, however, it will not be because of you. In September, two months from now, your key will be given to you in the real world, and at that time, you will be told who your Knower is. Act with caution at all times, for we believe that the Lioness of Shadow, the Hawk of Shadow, and the Tiger of Shadow, three Kenonians are all in this area, trying to break down this boundary. Farewell."


    Rebecca woke up, still wondering about all that she heard. And to think that yesterday, her biggest concern was reading Around the World in 80 Days for a test the first week of school. She saw that her clock said that it was just past 5 in the morning. She collapsed back onto her pillow and slept soundlessly and dreamlessly.

  2. #2
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    Plot: too early to say from just the prologue. fairly ambiguous too. hopefully that will be cleared up in later chapters. it seems original so you get credit for that.

    Cast: Rebecca seems ok... not mary-sue-ish (yet) and your typical average girl. Probably why she was chosen. Also seems bookish... hmmm... plenty of potential...

    The shadow trio show potential to be lethally dangerous too... interesting

    Description: hmmm... so apart from Rebecca being human (and obviously female) i don't recall you saying what she or the two men looked like. Scene description was ok, but the key's location looked too puzzling form my stand point. could work on making that a bit better in future installments.

    Grammar: Only one mistake! although you should get a spell checker to minimize such errors. they'll probably happen anyway, so don't take too hard.

    Because of her apparent weakness
    Overall: Seems unique... but again it's too early to tell.

    Seems interesting... i'll certainly keep an eye on this!

    L@er!
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  3. #3
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    Ch. 1 - The News

    Rebecca awoke to the sound of a bird chirping outside her window. Yawning, she turned and saw her clock read 8:34 AM 8/20. It was so early, and the day before school started again. Her brother had already left, as his school started today, and her parents would already be at work.

    Rebecca stretched and went downstairs to eat some breakfast. As she was stuffing a slice of bread in the toaster, she heard the phone ring. Who would call this early in the morning, anyway? She checked the caller ID and saw that it was Rachel.


    "Hi Rachel. It's early, isn't it?"

    "Oh, sorry if I woke you up. I was just wondering if you had any idea what the third to last question on the Around the World in 80 Days study guide meant."

    Rebecca yawned.
    "I was already up, and I'll go find it now. Why didn't you call Alieida? She ususally gets these things better than me."

    Rachel's voice dropped. "You know why."

    Rebecca hesitated a moment, then answered, "Are you still mad at her over that whole business two years ago that ended up getting Brian suspended? You were the only one who didn't see it coming. He always was that way, and if it weren't her, it would've been someone else. You ought to know that as well as I do."

    Rachel said defensively, "Well, it was her fault."

    Rebecca sighed in exasperation. "Well, I have it in front of me now, and I think that it's looking for Fix's quote about London criminals."

    Rachel's mood lightened. "Hey, thanks. Hey, did you see that freaky story on the news about the security guard? Isn't just a bit weird that he died just after that mobster broke out of jail?"

    Rebecca couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice, "No, I don't watch the news much. What happened?"

    Rachel replied, "Well, apparenly this mobster with about a zillion aliases, but most commonly known as Zenuto, broke out of jail two weeks ago. Anyway, you know that bank up in town?"

    Rebecca said impatiently, "Yeah, go on. What happened?"

    Reachel's voice continued, "Well, some guard at the bank was found dead at his home this morning. But that's not all. The autopsy showed that he died of a rare poison a week ago, even though he had been on duty five times since then. Zenuto was apparently known for poisoning people that he truly hated, as well."

    Rebecca was equally shocked, "Whoa, no I didn't hear that. I'll go put on the news now. See you tomorrow at school"

    "Yeah, see ya."

    Rebecca hung up.

    Eating toast with peanut butter and bananas in front of the TV, Rebecca sat back, watching the news, which was showing pictures of the mobster Rachel had mentioned. There was an interview with a policeman.

    We as of yet have no leads on the bank case. We do believe him to be murdered by a member of Zenuto's gang. We advise all people to be extremely careful. We fear that he may be skilled enough that it will border on impossible to return him to jail.

    As the policeman spoke these words, a knock sounded at Rebecca's front door. She turned off the TV and the lights, and retreated to her bedroom, only to hear the creak as the door was opened, even though it was locked.
    Hmmmmmmmmm..............

  4. #4
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    Ch. 2 - "She's Gone"


    A faint noise was coming from downstairs. Tip. Tip. Tip. The soft beat of a person's footsteps who was obviously trying to make no noise sounded repeatedly. Tip. Tip. Tip. To Rebecca, cowering in the corner of her bedroom, it soundly horribly magnified, like the beating of some ghastly drum.

    A faint glimmer of light shone under the door, then vanished. Tip. Tip. Tip. The footsteps were growing nearer, louder. Rebecca ducked into her closet, barely daring to breathe for fear the intruder should hear her. The door to her bedroom swung open with a sound eerily like the harsh, grating scream she was barely, desperately withholding. The drum was sounded three more times, as the beam of light shone around the room like a horrifying lighthouse.


    Tip. Tip. Tip. The footsteps faded off and the door to the bedroom closed. Rebecca allowed herself to release the breath she had held. A radio crackled from below, and she heard a man's voice out of it say, "There's been a break-in at the Tenulli house."
    A far deeper, older voice replied, "I'm at the Janski house now. It's the fourth false break-in today. I'm thinking it's just some kid thinking it's funny to prank us."

    Relief crashed over Rebecca like an ocean wave. It was the police, not a burglar or murderer. The door closed with a loud thud as the police left.


    _______________________________________________

    Rebecca strode purposefully toward the door, stepping off the bus. Today was the first day of eighth grade. She found herself face to face with a tall, pale skinned boy with curly black hair.

    "Hi, Paul. How's it going?"
    "Oh, not much."

    Paul turned and walked away, heading for Mr. Kebito's classroom, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. Rebecca began to walk toward Mrs. Taluin's room, her homeroom. Waiting at her desk was her schedule. Rachel walked toward her from the far corner of the room.

    "Hey, can I see your schedule?"
    "Yeah, let's see how many classes we have together."

    The inseperable friends compared their schedules and saw that they had only three classes together: Third period Algebra with Mrs. Belua, fourth period "Special", a class that was different each day of the week, and eighth period Reading with Mrs. Taluin.

    "Well, well, Rachel, in case you didn't know, Brian's in second English with Kebito, too. Bet you'd love that." Rebecca knew that irritating, mocking tone only too well. She turned to make a furious reply, but Rachel beat her to it, "Shut up, Alexander. Not everyone reads into things the way you do."
    Alexander's voice turned so sickly sweet that Rebecca suddenly saw in unbidden image of a jar of honey next to a jar of vinegar appear in her mind, "Maybe not everyone's as bright as I am, Rachel. Ever think of that?"
    "Who are you comparing yourself to, a centipede? Oh wait, he is brighter than you. Never mind."
    "Oh, so it is true." How Rebecca hated that voice.
    "I thought I told you to leave me alone." Rachel's temper was nearing the boiling point.

    At that moment, Alexander walked off, directly past Brian, who was deep in discussion with his friend Mark Jones. Rebecca couldn't make out any of the words, but she thought she caught a few glances toward the door of Mr. Kebito's room.

    A bell sounded, and following announcements, Rebecca walked across the hall to Mr. Kebito's room. She heard a soft voice evidently stunned, saying, "She's gone. She's gone."
    She spun to see Paul standing behind her, looking shocked.
    "What is it? Who's gone?" She asked.
    A voice deep in thought replied, "Alieida, She's gone."

    Rebecca was surprised for two reasons. First, it was true that Alieida was not there. Even more so, she was surprised that Paul had noticed. There had been small rumors about Jones and her at the end of the last year that he did not deny the way he usually did, but that was probably because he hadn't heard them, but Paul? That was news.

    As English started, a fierce rain began outside. Just before didsmissing his first period class, Mr. Kebito, a large balding man, qupped, "It's raining cats and dogs; don't step in a poodle."
    Hmmmmmmmmm..............

  5. #5
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    Alright, judging by what I read, this seems like your typical "chosen one" fic. This recent flood of epics in the fanfiction forum is really quite odd. Granted, some of the ideas you chose have potential, but it's all in the way you executed them in the writing.

    The prologue itself is quite unoriginal. We have all this suspence and in the beginning only to have it be presented that it is all in fact a dream. This has been done far too many times, and the way this was done in particular is nothing out of your typical "dream sequences" in fantasy/sci-fi as a plot device.

    At times, the sentence structure is a little off. Such as:

    Rebecca saw emptiness stretching out ahead of her, and in the distance, a small log cabin.
    A run on given with the way commas are placed.

    As for the chapters, another aspect that bothers me is length. They are all much too short. The recommended length is about six or so pages on word, but all of these are probably no longer than two.

    Fanfiction really isn't all that serious on a Pokemon forum, but the writing here requires more effort.

    So those are my two cents as a review here. I did say I was truthful.

    +The arguments against the imaginary+
    +Fell together along a single stroke+

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    Ch. 3 - Understanding and Wonder

    "That's all for today. You may talk to those around you for the last few minutes if you wish." Mrs. Belua's kind voice informed her class.

    Rebecca turned toward Mark Jones, who was sitting next to her. "How was your summer?" she asked.

    Mark exhaled slowly, paused, then spoke with his head turned toward her, but his eyes wandering in all directions, never meeting hers, "It was all right, for the most part. Until.." He broke off, looking sad.

    "Until what?" Rebecca didn't know what he meant.

    "I knew him, you know.. Mr. Nellin, that is." He spoke slowly, as though he didn't really want to say what he was saying.

    "Who's Mr. Nellin?" The name rang a bell, but Rebecca didn't know where she had heard it.

    "The man, the guard at the bank who died." Comprehension dawned on her, but Jones continued, "My aunt worked at the bank. If my parents were going out of town, they'd sometimes drop me off with her and she'd take me to her house."

    Rebecca tried to sound sympathetic as she asked, "Was he a friend to you, then."

    Jones shook his head slowly, still not meeting her eyes, glancing around interminably, speaking more softly now, "That's the odd part. For the longest time, he was mean to me, but about a month before he died, he became nicer to me. I was just getting to be friendly with him when he.. you know. How was your summer?"

    Rebecca nodded and said, "Oh, not much." She thought about telling him about the policemen who she thought were breaking, and how they had thought there was a break-in, but she felt a sudden rush of mistrust towards him. A small voice seemed to say in her head, "Someday, something's going to happen to you or one of your friends, and it'll be his fault."

    _________________________


    Rebecca was in a room full of elaborate paintings, most of them nature scenes. It was pitch black, but even so, she could clearly see the haunting picture of a butterfly frozen forever in time by some artist. Walking toward the door, she saw she was on the second floor of a house. A tall man with long blond hair walked out from beside the elaborate marble staircase. He tiptoed slowly toward the door, then opened it, and another tall blond man walked in. The man who had just entered whispered something in the other man's ear. Rebecca wondered why they didn't turn a light on. Suddenly one of the men noticed something in one of the windows, pointing and whispering. Rebecca looked toward the window, and in the distance she saw the indistinct silhouette of a young boy looking toward the house through a pair of binoculars.

    The men rushed out the door of the house, and began running toward the boy. Rebecca followed them. The boy run toward a phone booth and went inside. The men stopped, but Rebecca slowly followed toward the boy.

    Pressing against the phone booth, she could see that he appeared to have no distinguishing fearures, but she could hear his voice, panicked and scared, "There's been a break-in at -" The boy stopped and screamed as Rebecca spun around to see a knife appear to fly through her. She screamed, but no one seemed to hear her. The knife flew through the edge of the phone booth, shattering the glass and slicing neatly through the phone cord.

    Showing more calm than Rebecca thought possible, the boy grabbed an index card out of the booth and muttered as he wrote, "Break in at Tenulli house." He turned and ran out of the phone booth. Rebecca followed him down a busy street, then she ducked into an alley as he kept going forward. The boy was fast, faster than the men and gaining. Then, Rebecca watched in horror as one of the men pulled out a very long knife. He paused, holding it behind his shoulder. Rebecca yelled for the boy to duck and threw herself at the man to stop him from throwing the knife, but she seemed to fall through him as her face hit cold concrete. Rolling over, she watched as the boy was hit in the back of the head by the handle of the knife, and slumped to the ground unconscious, clearly having never heard her. She was wondering what had happened when she felt a dull thump on the back of her neck, and everything went black.
    Hmmmmmmmmm..............

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    Ch. 4 - Questions

    "Rebecca, Rebecca! Are you all right? What happened?" Rebecca heard, as though from another world, the worried voice of her brother, Alan. She grunted weakly in response, trying to say something, but she couldn't seem to say anything.

    "What happened?" Alan repeated, opening the door of her room and running in.
    Rebecca found she could talk again, and she said in a panicked voice, "There was a kid, he's on the ground, they're going to kill him. Someone do something. Quick! There's not much time."
    "Geez, chill. It was just a dream. You fell out of bed and hit your head on the ground, and now you think your dream was real. Just go back to bed and don't scare me like that again." Alan stormed out of the room, upset at having lost sleep.
    "It was just a dream," Rebecca repeated her brother's words to herself, but somehow, she just knew they couldn't be wholly right.

    __________________

    "What's wrong? You seem quiet today?" Jones's words cut through the speculation Rebecca had been having on her dream. She paused, then decided not to tell him about the dream.

    "Oh, nothing," she said as casually as she could manage. They sat next to each other in 8th period Reading with Mrs. Taluin, and they had extra time at the end of class.

    "I can tell there's something. I just know it." Jones spoke matter-of-factly, glancing all around him as he talked, then continued, "I've seen that same distraction when Pentin talks before, and I know it's only when something is bothering him."

    "I'm not the same as your friend Mark Pentin, and I don't see why you think I am." Rebecca was trying to avoid giving anything away. She just didn't trust him.

    "People who are different are yet the same." He said this with a tone that seemed almost mysterious, then met her eye for the briefest glance, then glanced down at his shoes, resting his hand on his chin.

    "Don't try that old Greek philosophy stuff on me, it never worked and never will." The sound of a ringing bell spared Rebecca from having to endure any more questioning.

    ________________

    Saturday morning came, and Rebecca felt overwhelmingly tired, so she chose not to go to Alan's football game. She was sitting in the kitchen eating toast with peanut butter and banana slices, when she heard a knock at the door.

    She went to the intercom and called, "Who is it?"
    A deep, calm voice replied, "Rebecca? It's Steven A. Tenulli. I've been looking forward to meeting you in person."
    Hmmmmmmmmm..............

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