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Thread: Kitsune's Dream (Pg-13 to slight R)

  1. #1

    Talking

    I made this fic after me and my friend went on a field trip to an in captivity breeding reserve. And we saw the most beautiful fox there name Yoko. Though she was timid. So i got inspired to write this. This is my first fic. Here goes!
    __________________________________________________ ____

    Kitsune’s Dream
    Chapter One
    An Unforgettable Day

    Nagisa Aoi is a very special girl. She is unlike every other girl. And that’s not just because she is fourteen and has had her parents die twelve years ago on this day of August 24. She will find out a little more about herself on this special day.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Hello my little strawberry!” said a woman with short dark brown hair as she opened the door to a teenaged girl’s room.

    The room was very big. It had white walls with gold colored swirls on them. The ceiling had yellow and pink flower designs on them. There was a white marble vanity desk with gold spirals on the desk part, a gold little chair with a pink pillow on it, and it had pink flowers around the part with the mirror. The desk was covered in hair accessories. There was a walk in closet with gold colored double doors that had the initials N.A. written in white and pink script writing on both parts of the door A white plasma screen television was mounted on one of the walls. It was turned on. There was a beautiful glass door that was styled in a way that made it look like a window that led outside to a balcony. The yellow curtains were pulled back and the silver shining moon and many stars were visible. There was a beautiful bed with a gold colored frame. It had white sheets with pink flowers. There were many square shaped pink and yellow pillows and one round white pillow on it. There was a beautiful young girl lying on her stomach with her feet in the air and was staring avidly at the window next to her bed. The room had five large white suitcases that had pink stripes on them.

    “Hmm?” said the girl as she quickly turned her head to the door.

    She had dark red hair that was long enough for her to sit on and was kept in high pigtails on the sides of her head. She had her bangs loose. They were held in place by black hair ribbons. She had a black halter dress with a white waist bow that was in the back. The end of her dress had white frills.

    “Oh, hi mom!” she said as she smiled with her eyes closed.

    The woman at her door wasn’t her real mother but her adoptive mother. She was adopted by her and her husband after her parents died when she was four. She remembers a lot about her father but very little about her mother. But she remembered that her mother had a kind voice that made her feel safe and secure.

    “So, do you feel sad today?” asked the woman as she walked into the room and sat on the bed. She was hiding something behind her back.

    The reason she had asked this was because today was the day that the girl’s real parents had died. On this day, twelve years ago she was very sad. But she was only two at the time so she didn’t quite grasp the concept. So every year on this day, Nagisa’s adoptive parents would do something special with her so she wouldn’t feel sad.
    “It feels the same as every other anniversary.” said the girl as she sat up.

    “You know Nagisa, your father is so sorry that he had to go abroad so early.” said the woman as she got comfortable on the bed.

    “I know he is.” said Nagisa as she stared down at the floor.

    “You know, I don’t have to go with him if you don’t want me to. I can stay here with you so you don’t have to board at your school.” she said.

    “No mom. Go. It would make dad really happy. Besides, I’ll be absolutely fine so you don’t have to worry.” said Nagisa with a big smile as she looked at her adoptive mother.

    “Well, only if you’re sure.” she replied. “But there is something I wanted to give you. Your father and I intended to give you it tomorrow before school together. But since he went early, I want to give you it now.” she said as she placed what she was hiding behind her back on the bed next to Nagisa. It was a white present box with a red ribbon on it.

    “What is it?” she asked as she stared at the box with a confused face.

    “Open it and see.” said the woman with a smile.

    Then, Nagisa carefully untied the ribbon and opened the box. And the first thing she saw was a red stuffed baby fox toy that had light blue butterfly wings.

    “Awwwww! It’s so cute!” said Nagisa as she quickly grabbed the stuffed toy and squeezed it tightly.

    “I knew you would like it. But there is more.” said her mom as she looked at her.

    “Really?” said Nagisa as she placed the stuffed toy next to her and looked through the box.
    The next thing she pulled out was a yellow hair brush.

    “That brush was your mother’s.” said her adoptive mom as she looked at her. “It looks like something mom would’ve used since it’s so pretty!” said Nagisa as she brushed her pigtails with it.

    She placed it next to her toy and pulled out something else from her box. Next, she pulled out a golden ring that had two yellow fox tails in the shape of a heart.

    “It is one of the most beautiful rings I’ve ever seen!” said Nagisa as she slipped it on her right ring finger and admired it. “Thanks mom! You’re the best!” said Nagisa as she hugged her mom. She hugged her for five minutes and then let go.

    “Well, they were your mother‘s so I thought today was as good as any other day.” said her mom as she got up from the bed and headed towards the door. A she arrived at the door, she turned around. “Nagisa, you will find that new and amazing things will happen from here on out.” said her mom and she left the room and closed the door behind her.

    “I wonder what she meant by that?” thought Nagisa as she confusingly stared at her door.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    After Nagisa received her present from her mom, she packed away everything into the box except for the stuffed fox that was on her bed. The box was on her vanity desk so that she would remember to bring it with her when she left. She kept on thinking about what her mom said earlier. As she got ready for bed, she undid her pigtails and brushed her hair with her birth mother’s hair brush. She changed into her light pink pajamas that had hot pink on the collar and had yellow hearts. She turned off her lights and settled into bed while holding on to her red stuffed baby fox toy. The toy had a white face and a red stripe that went from its snout to the back of its head. It had white on the tip of its red bushy tail and on the tip of its feet. The toy was always in sitting up position. Nagisa kept replaying what her mom said in her mind until she dozed off.

    “New and amazing things will happen from here on out. New and amazing things.” she heard in her head and then she finally fell asleep.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    Nagisa felt like she was waking up, but she was in a dream. She had her eyes closed and was slowly flying through the air with big white feathery angel wings that were coming out of her back. She still had her pajamas on.

    “Where am I? This feeling is so good! I feel so peaceful and calm. But still, where am I?” thought Nagisa. And then she opened her eyes and looked down.

    “AHHHH! OH MY GOD! I’m floating in the air! Someone get me down from here!” Nagisa squealed as she flapped her arms to try and stay afloat.

    “Nagisa, stay calm and embrace your inner powers.” said the little fox toy. But the toy was alive in her dream and was flying right next to her with his butterfly wings flapping about.

    “What inner powers!” yelled Nagisa as she stared at the toy.

    “Nagisa, you are a Kit-” said the toy. But before he could finish, Nagisa started to fall backwards with her loose hair flowing over her face.

    “AHHHHHH!” screamed Nagisa as she kept falling back with her angel wings spread.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Ahhhhhhhh!” screamed Nagisa as she woke up with her arms and legs flailing, sweating on her forehead, and was breathing heavily. She sat up in her bed and breathed heavily with her hand over her fast beating heart. She turned to her left to look at her alarm clock that read 2:30 a.m. on the her small end table.

    “Thank goodness that it was just a dream!” said Nagisa as she lay her head back on her pillow.

    She turned face up with her eyes still closed. She heard a strange noise that sounded like wings beating rapidly. She slightly opened her eyes and then opened them all the way. She saw a blurry image that looked like her stuffed toy as if it were flying. She rubbed her eyes and looked again. She saw that it was actually her baby fox toy that was flying before her! They both stared at each other and blinked a lot.

    “Hello Nagisa!” said the fox with a smile. He had the voice of a very young boy. As soon as he talked, Nagisa let out a shriek.

    “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-” but she was interrupted by the baby fox boy covering her mouth with both of his hands.

    “It’s okay! I mean no harm!” he said with a smile. And then he let go of her mouth but she screamed again.

    “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Nagisa screamed in terror.

    “Will you cut it out with all that freaking screaming?” he said with his hands on his hips.

    “Sorry, but it’s not everyday you hear a stuffed animal talk. Or see them fly.” Nagisa replied.

    “Yes, but I’m not a stuffed animal. I can pose as a stuffed animal to hide my identity. And I can also turn into a stylish bracelet!” he said as in a puff of small smoke, he transformed into a light blue beaded bracelet that had a red baby fox’s head in the middle.

    “Wow! How cute!” said Nagisa as she held the bracelet in her hand.

    “But that isn’t the point!” he said as he turned back.

    “I have a question, what exactly are you?” said Nagisa as she stared at him with a confused look and blinked a lot.

    “I’m the guardian of the Aoi Kitsune Warriors! But you can call me Miko.” he yelled. “So what’s your name?” asked Miko.

    “It’s Nagisa, Miko-san.” she said to him.

    “Well Nagisa-san, you are a very special girl. You aren’t as normal as you think you are.” said Miko in a serious voice.

    “But I am normal! And there’s nothing special about me!” she said honestly.

    “But you’re wrong my little Nagisa-chan. You are very special. You are half Kitsune Warrior!” he said.

    “But what’s a Kitsune Warrior?” she asked.

    “A Kitsune Warrior is a fox goddess who is sworn to protect the world until all evil is gone.” said Miko in a serious tone.

    “So that means my mom-” said Nagisa before she was interrupted.

    “That’s right my little Nagisa-chan! Your mother was full Kitsune Warrior which makes you half a Kitsune Warrior. Though most Kitsune Warriors are boys. And I am your guardian. I make sure that you stay safe by closely watching over you so you can’t possibly get into trouble. I can also sense when there is an evil creature attacking.” said Miko while he was still flying and pointed at Nagisa.

    “But Miko-san, I don’t have any special powers.” said Nagisa while looking down.

    “Yes you do my little Nagisa-chan! You’ve just never tried them out!” said Miko with a smile.

    “But why tell me this all now?” asked Nagisa.

    “Well, usually Kitsune Warriors find out who they really are on their ninth birthday. But we thought that the evil that destroyed your parents was gone forever. But until recently, haven’t you noticed strange things have been happening in town lately Nagisa-san?” asked Miko with his arms crossed.

    “This is Tokyo, Japan! Nothing unusual happens here!” argued Nagisa.

    “Oh yes there is! But only when a Kitsune Warrior finds out their identity is when they can see it!” said Miko pointing out the glass double that had a balcony to the park where a huge beast could be seen. “See? It’s right there!” said Miko as he grabbed Nagisa by the head and turned her to the door.

    “Oh my god! That thing is huge! How am I ever gonna defeat it!” said Nagisa as she ran out the door and to the balcony with Miko following her. “And why did it pick night to terrorize the city?” asked Nagisa as she hunched on the balcony rail.

    “Well, once you unleash your Staff of Light, everything will be easy. And evil creatures only come out at night because if they do damage to a city, no one will be able to blame them because they have no proof.” said Miko as he floated over Nagisa.

    “But I don’t have a Staff of Light.” said Nagisa as she kept looking to the park and had the wind blowing back her long hair.

    “Yes you do! The ring you got can transform into your wand with some magic words.” said Miko.

    “But Miko-san, how do I do that!” said Nagisa as she turned back to face Miko.

    “Easy my little Nagisa-cjan! Just repeat this simple incantation as you throw the ring into the air. ‘ Ring of the Tails with powers so bright. Shine on me your true magnificent light. Staff of Light, Reveal!’ said Miko. “Got it?” asked Miko.

    “Yes Miko-san.” said Nagisa as she nodded. “So, are we gonna defeat this creature or not?” said Nagisa with a smile on her face.

    “That’s the spirit!” he said. “Okay Miko-chan! Wait right here!” said Nagisa as she walked back into her room.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “This feels so scary yet so cool!” thought Nagisa as she opened the present box with her ring inside. She slipped it on her left ring finger and admired it in the moonlight She walked back outside.

    “Now you’re going to look like an official Kitsune Warrior. Now come on, we have to jump from here.” said Miko as he pointed to the ground below.

    “But Miko-san, we’re on the tenth floor! I can’t possibly survive a fall like that!” said Nagisa with scared look.

    “Yes you can Nagisa-san. Just look below and it will help.” said Miko as he pointed down again.

    “Really?” asked Nagisa as she leaned over the rail.

    “Nope!” said Miko and then he pushed Nagisa off the balcony and she began to fall headfirst. He then fly towards.

    “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” screamed Nagisa as she had her eyes closed while still falling. Then she opened her eyes and saw Miko next to her.

    “What the hell was that for!” said Nagisa as she still fell.

    “Confidence Boost!” said Miko. And then, with her animal instincts, Nagisa changed position in the air just in time and landed on the ground on her feet safely.

    “Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m dead!’ said Nagisa with her eyes closed.

    “No you’re not! You have animal reflexes so you can’t possibly get hurt even though you fell from ten stories.” said Miko.

    “Cool! That is so awesome!” said Nagisa as she opened her eyes and stood up.

    “And now, let’s defeat this creature!” said Nagisa as she started to run to the park. “Wait for me Nagisa-chan!” said Miko as he flew after her.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As they arrived at the park thirteen minutes later, Nagisa stared in shock at her opponent.

    “Um, Miko-san.” began Nagisa. “What exactly is that thing?” said Nagisa as she pointed to a giant gorilla-like creature that was made out of lava and rocks.

    “That’s the volcano demon. It specializes in fire based attacks. Make sure you don’t get too close because it can easily burn you. Even though it may look tough, it is a very easy opponent. I’m sure you can handle it.” said Miko as they both stared at the creature coming towards them.

    “I’m starting feel my animal instinct. And there telling me to run the hell away from here!” said Nagisa as she saw the demon was now running to them.

    “Come on Miko! RUN!” said Nagisa as she and Miko ran as fast as they could.

    “Nagisa-san, you have to unleash your wand of light now! It makes your powers stronger!” said Miko as he fluttered in the air.

    “Okay got it!” said Nagisa as she stopped to remove her ring and threw it in the air. “ Ring of the Tails with powers so bright. Shine on me your true magnificent light. Staff of Light, Reveal!” said Nagisa and light came pouring out of it in a flash.

    It fully transformed and stayed floating in the air. Then Nagisa’s body began to glow in a bright gold. A long thin yellow fox tail with a white tip grew above her butt that fell below her knees. Big yellow fox ears grew from head. Then big white feathery angel wings grew from her back. And when she stopped glowing, Nagisa realized she wasn’t wearing her pajamas. She was wearing a white kimono that went two inches above her knees with a yellow waist bow. The kimono had many small yellow hearts that were at the bottom of it and at the end of the sleeves. Her hair was in thick pig tails that were held up with big white ribbons. Yellow stud earrings were pierced on her ear lobes. She had two golden anklets on her left ankle. She had yellow ballet shoes on. She then caught her staff in her right hand. Her staff was a gold wand that had a big gold circle at the top. In the middle of the circle were two yellow fox tails with white at the tip that were in the shape of a heart. There were six little yellow sticks that connected the foxtails to the circle. On the bottom parts of the circle that was next to the staff were two white ribbons with a gold ring tied to the bottom on each ribbon on both sides. And on the middle sides of the circle were white angel wings.

    “This outfit is soooo cute! The ears, tail, and the wings go so great with it! And I just looove the ballet slippers!” said Nagisa as she looked behind her and lightly flapped her wings.

    “They are all a good help to a Kitsune Warrior’s mission. Your fox ears give hearing that is a thousand times better than any human. And with that kimono, it will take an impossibly strong attack to hurt you.” said Miko as he pointed to Nagisa’s ears.

    “Your tail acts like a radar and can help you find things. And your wings make you fly faster than the speed of light at the most. There are only two other Kitsune Warriors that have wings. And they are you and the descendant of the first Kitsune Warrior. But your mother also had them. But now, take off to the sky and fly!” said Miko.

    “Okay, if you say so.” said Nagisa as she flapped her wings. “Come on! I can do this!” said Nagisa as she flapped her wings hard enough to be picked up into the air.

    “Nagisa-chan, you’re doing it!” said Miko excitedly.

    “Hm?” said Nagisa as she slightly opened her left eye. “Wow! Miko-san, I’m doing it! I’m flying!” said Nagisa. But she got distracted so the demon lifted one arm up and a line of fire came out that was so strong it almost knocked Nagisa out of the sky!

    “Hey, that wasn’t nice!” said Nagisa as the impact of the shot made her do a back flip in the air.

    “Nagisa-chan, you have to use a water based attack! That’ll make it weak enough to banish it!” shouted Miko.

    “But how do I banish it?” asked Nagisa as she flew to the left to dodge another attack.

    “When the demon is weak enough, spin your staff with both hands and say ‘Luminous light of the sun, moon, and stars. Lend me your powers from near and far. Spirit of darkness, disintegrate!’ and then stop spinning the wand and it should begin to glow. Then pretend to hit the demon with it and stop just short of it and the demon should disappear from all existence along with all the damage it did.” said Miko as he flew closer to Nagisa.

    “Okay Miko-san, here goes nothing!” said Nagisa as she used her fox tail as a second arm to grab a hold of her wand.

    She then put both her hands into the air and started to spin like a ballerina. Water came out both her hands in the shape of a spiral. Then, she put her arms in front of her.

    “Akua Doroppu!” yelled Nagisa as the water from her hands became stronger and was fired at the volcano demon. “Yes, a direct hit!” said Nagisa as she saw her water attack was putting out the fire on her enemy.

    “Now Nagisa-chan! Use your wand!” said Miko.

    “Okay, got it Miko-san!” said Nagisa as she untied her wand from her wagging tail. She closed her eyes and started to spin her wand with both hands.

    “ Luminous light of the sun, moon, and stars.” started Nagisa as she spun her staff and it began to glow.

    Lend me your powers from near and far.” said Nagisa as she spun her staff as fast as she could and it glowed a lot.

    Spirit if darkness, DISINTEGRATE! ” shouted Nagisa as she stopped spinning her wand and the wind became much stronger.

    Her wand glowed a lot and then Nagisa hit the demon with but stopped short of it and the became strong enough to blow Nagisa off the ground if she hadn’t been in the air already. Then, a flash of bright light poured out from the center circle of her wand. It was so bright, that you couldn’t possibly open your eyes without being blinded. Nagisa covered her eyes with her arm. Miko just tightly closed his eyes. Then, all of the bright light subsided and Nagisa opened her left eye first and then the other one. She saw that her staff had turned back into her Ring of the Tails and that she was in her pink pajamas with the hot pink collar and the yellow hearts.

    “Wow Miko-san, I did it! I defeated it! I actually did it!” said Nagisa in amazement as she flew down to Miko with a smile on her face. She saw that Miko was standing in the soft grass. “I can’t believe I actually did that!” said Nagisa as she folded her wings when she landed on the grass.

    “Well I would expect that from the daughter of Yoko.” said Miko as he flew onto Nagisa’s shoulder.

    “Miko-san, you’re the best!” said Nagisa as she hugged Miko tightly.

    “I know!” said Miko with a smile. Then Miko flew out of Nagisa’s arms and the two began to walk back home.

    “So Miko-san, what can you tell me about my mom?” asked Nagisa as she turned to as they both walked home.

    “Well, Yoko was just like you. But her hair was shorter. She was such a strong and confident woman. She said how she would never be able to hate someone no matter how bad they treated her. She was one of the mightiest Kitsune Warriors. You’ll become just like her.” said Miko.

    “Really?!” asked Nagisa excitedly.

    “Nope!” said Miko playfully. “Miko!” said Nagisa playfully as she nudge him with her elbow. The two then walked out of sight.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    Then the two flew back to the balcony of Nagisa’s room. Nagisa opened the doors and then closed them behind her after Miko entered. She leaned against the doors.

    “Finally were home.” said Nagisa with her eyes closed before yawning.

    “Well, you have had a long night.” said Miko as he sat on Nagisa’s pillow.

    “And it all feels like a dream because it’s so unbelievable.” said Nagisa as she opened her eyes and headed to her vanity desk.

    “But Miko-san, I have a question.” said Nagisa as she sat on the small stool chair of her vanity desk. “What is it Nagisa-chan?” asked Miko as he flew off Nagisa’s pillow.
    “Even if I don’t transform my Ring of the Tails, can I still use the abilities that come with being a Kitsune Warrior?” asked Nagisa from her desk.

    “Yup! You can always use your fox ears, fox tail, and angel wings at your own will. All you have to do is command it in your mind, and it will happen. But as a Kitsune Warrior, you have many other abilities. Like super speed and strength. And flexibility. You might find that starting today, you can do amazing things like back flips and such.” said Miko

    “That is so cool!” said Nagisa as she twirled her long loose dark red hair in her fingers..

    “Yes, but you must take in the good with the bad.” said Miko with his arms crossed.

    “What do you mean by that?” asked Nagisa as she closed the curtains on her double door that led to her balcony and then grabbed her mother’s yellow hair brush and passed in over her hair.

    “You may find that you may not have the time to do all the things used to do because of this. But on the upside, you have amazing powers.” said Miko with his legs crossed.

    “But Miko-san, what kind of powers did my mom have?” asked Nagisa as she turned to Miko while still brushing her hair.

    “Let’s see, hmmm.” said Miko with his hand supporting his chin. “Oh yeah! Now I remember! Yoko had an ice attack, two fire attacks, a water attack, an electric attack, and one that made her and other objects disappear.” said Miko.

    “Well that’s pretty cool!” said Nagisa as she sat on her bed.

    “Yes it is! But we must start talking about how we are going to fight evil while you’re in school Nagisa-chan.” said Miko. But Nagisa didn’t answer.

    “Nagisa?” said Miko as he wondered why Nagisa hadn’t answered.

    “Aww, how cute.” said Miko as he turned around to see that Nagisa had quickly fallen asleep. “Well she has had a rough night.” thought Miko as he looked at Nagisa peacefully sleeping. Then he got her blanket and pulled it over her but below her shoulders.

    “Good night my little Kitsune Warrior.” said Miko as he curled on the pillow next to Nagisa, let out a yawn, and quickly fell asleep.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    All throughout the apartment, everything was dark and quiet. The whole was bathed in the magnificent moonlight. It all seemed to sparkle in dark silver. Then, Nagisa’s adoptive mother was visible. She quietly tiptoed to Nagisa’s bedroom and opened the door. She quietly peeped her head inside and saw that Nagisa and Miko were asleep. She smiled at them.

    “Good night, my little heroine.” said her adoptive mother as she slowly and quietly closed the door, leaving Nagisa and Miko to a peaceful sleep.
    __________________________________________________ ________
    i hope you liked it! And I came up with the name Miko because that is my shiba inu's name! Please post what you think of it and if you think I should continue with this story. And don't worry cause Nagisa isn't the whole perfect heroine.

    and since the charcters are made up, i made different ship for them.
    foxshipping (Nagisa&Syoaran)
    blueshipping(Tamao&Danial)
    hypershipping(Kizuna&Kyo)
    calmshipping(Chiyo&Kenji)

    i guess i shouldn't of posted late at night! But please review this to whoever reads it. This fic is dediacted to Yoko the fox at the captive breeding reserve.
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 11th July 2007 at 3:52 PM. Reason: triple post

  2. #2

    Smile

    i think i'll change foxshipping into kitsuneshipping cuz foxshippping is already taken.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    Default

    For starters, I've pointed out a few grammar mistakes and corrected them in bold.

    Or see them fly,” Nagisa replied.
    “But Miko-san, I don’t have any special powers,” said Nagisa while looking down.
    The first two are comma/quotation mistakes, which I see a lot. Click on "Grammar Advice" in my sig for more info.

    I can’t possibly survive a fall like that!” said Nagisa with a scared look.
    There was a white marble vanity desk with gold spirals on the desk part, a gold little chair with a pink pillow on it, and it had pink flowers around the part with the mirror.
    While your descriptions were good, some of the sentences (such as the one above) sound a bit choppy and don't flow well. You could split it into separate sentences. Also, mentioning the "desk part" and "mirror part" sounds choppy too. Just getting rid of the "part" and making it say just "desk" and "mirror" would actually improve it.

    Sorry for taking so long to reply. This is the first non-Pokemon fic I've read here but I liked this quite a bit. There's a bit of a "Cardcaptor Sakura" vibe to it and I found it interesting. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but it's certainly an interesting premise.

    One thing, though. When I re-read it, I noticed that you use "said" a whole lot. As someone commented on the Author Cafe thread, it does get to be a bit monotonous and boring. You can spice it up by saying, "she commented, a look of worry on her face as sweat trickled down her face." Heck, I should be doing that a bit more, too... Also, perhaps showing us more of what's going through the character's minds would help make this even better.

    I'm not online much, but I'll try to keep my eye on this story. It might help if you PM me when you post a new chapter, as I usually don't hang around the Shipping Fics area too much.

    P.S. If you would like my Pearl friend code, please PM me!

  4. #4

    Default

    well this is my second chapter and in it i changed the main characters hair color from dark red to cherry blossom pink. and you might also notice that she acts different than the first chapter.
    _______________________________________
    Kitsune’s Dream
    Chapter Two
    St. Spica Institute

    The beautiful golden sun is seen shining over the beautiful horizon of Japan. We look upon an apartment building in Tokyo, Japan. We now see the room of a fourteen year old girl who’s name is Aoi, Nagisa. She seems to have her eyes tightly shut because of this great sunlight. Then we see a little red fox with blue dragonfly wings who is hovering over her.

    “Oh Nagisa-chan.” he began to whisper into her ear. “Oh my little Nagisa-chan.” said the little creature as he spoke louder. But Nagisa just switched positions to the front and her face was now visible. “Oh little Nagisa-chan,” said the little fox in a hush tone as he flew closer to her ear.

    “WAKE UP!!!!” shouted the fox as loudly as he could that it made Nagisa scream and jump into the air.

    “AHHHH! What the hell was that for Miko-san!? Are you trying to freaking kill me!?” shouted Nagisa as she flew into the air and landed on her bed.

    “Well it woke you up didn’t it? You’re an extremely heavy sleeper Nagisa-chan. I wanted to wake you up because it’s 11:15 a.m. and you have to catch your train to Osaka that leaves at 2:45 p.m.” said Miko.

    “Oh no! I forgot.” said Nagisa as she hopped out of bed, grabbed her towel, and ran to the bathroom.

    “Well that sure woke her up.” said Miko as he flew out of the room and went to the kitchen.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    We then see Nagisa hop out of the shower wrapped in a white towel with yellow stars. Her hair was wet because she had washed it with her strawberry scented shampoo and conditioner. It looked soft and shiny. She went to the mirror and grabbed her pink tooth brush and her blue tooth paste and began to brush her teeth. She then spit into the sink and gargled with her raspberry flavored mouthwash. She spit again. Nagisa smiled into the mirror and you could tell she had pearly white teeth. Then she left the bathroom and closed the door.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Nagisa, come and eat breakfast with me and Miko-san.” said Nagisa’s mother from the kitchen.

    Nagisa was in her room and putting on her black Mary Jane shoes. She had a white skirt on with ruffles at the bottom and a light purple ribbon that was tied into a bow at the back was around her skirt. She had on a light purple tank top with ruffles at the bottom. Her hair was tied in pigtails with long white ribbons.

    “Okay!” said Nagisa as she went to her mirror to brush her pig tails and many bangs with her mom’s hair brush and then put it in her black purse and went to the kitchen.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As she arrived in her kitchen, she saw Miko and her mom were sitting at the table waiting for her.

    “Come on honey, it’s already 1:00p.m. We have to hurry.” said her mom as she began to cut her blueberry flavored pancakes.

    “Yes mom!” said Nagisa as she pulled back a chair and sat down.

    “Saki-chan, these raspberry pancakes are delicious!” said Miko with his mouth full.

    “Why thank you Miko-chan.” said Nagisa’s mother with a smile.

    “They really are good mom! I love strawberry pancakes!” said Nagisa as she stuffed her face. Then the doorbell rang.

    “Oh, they must be the ones that are going to take your language to your dorm.” said Nagisa’s mom as she put her plate in the sink and went to the door.

    “So Nagisa,” started Miko as he swallowed his pancakes.

    “I must make extra sure that you are protected.” said Miko as he pointed at Nagisa with his fork.

    “What’s that’s supposed to mean?” asked Nagisa as she brought her plate to the sink and began to wash the dishes.

    “Hey guys, what are you talking about?” asked Nagisa’s mom as she began to clear the table.

    “I was just telling Nagisa how I must take extra care of her while we’re there.” said Miko as he brought his plate to the sink and washed it.

    “That’s right Miko. From now on you’re my eyes and ears. You have to make sure that none of the boys try anything with her. Most of the boys there have a reputation for being trouble makers.” said Nagisa’s mom as she grabbed her car keys.
    said Nagisa as she put on her purse and signaled Miko to follow her.

    “This school is starting seem a bit scary. But maybe you’re just overreacting a little." she responded

    “Well when it comes too your safety, there is no such thing as over dramatic.” said Nagisa’s mom as she left the kitchen and went to the front door then signaled them to follow her.

    “Well your mom is right. You may be a Kitsune Warrior but you are still a girl that must be protected from bad things that can happen to girls like you.” said Miko as he flew to the front door.
    “Come on Miko!

    “Now you’re really scaring me. I’m starting to have second thoughts on this school.” said Nagisa as she tried to walk while looking down but then she just tripped over the rug that was in the hallway that led to the kitchen. She fell right on her face with her feet in the air.

    “Owwwww!” said Nagisa as she got up.

    “Another reason for me to look after you.” said Miko with his arms crossed.

    “Come on you two! Were going to be late! Now Miko turn into a bracelet so we can go.” said Saki as she opened the door and stepped out. Then Miko turned into a bracelet that Nagisa slipped onto her right wrist. She then admired her Ring of the Tails that was on her left ring finger.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “I wonder if I’ll meet someone like him.” thought Nagisa as she got into the car and began to daydream. She stared blankly into space about a certain boy from her childhood during the whole car ride.

    “I wonder where he is right now, and what he’s doing? I wonder if he‘s thinking about…me?” thought Nagisa as the car stopped and she looked out the window.

    “Nagisa-chan! Stay focused! As you’re mentor, I command you to come back to earth!” shouted Miko in his bracelet form.

    “Huh?” said Nagisa as she looked up confused. “Oh sorry Miko. I guess I’ve been out of it today.” said Nagisa as she opened the door and put on her black purse.

    Her adoptive mom then closed Nagisa’s door and went to talk to her.

    “Nagisa, you know that I can’t go in with you because I must meet up with your father immediately, right?” asked Saki worriedly.

    “Don’t worry mom. I’ll be okay. Besides, I’ll have Miko-san with me.” said Nagisa in her sweet voice with a small smile.

    “I know you will.” said her mom as she gave her a kiss on the cheek and got into the drivers seat. “Now make lots of new friends today!” said her mom as she waved from her opened car window and drove off quickly. Probably so she wouldn’t show how sad she was.

    “Don’t worry mom….I’ll make you proud.” said Nagisa as she clenched her left hand that had her ring on it and looked at the ending summer sky as she was talking to her birth mother. She stared at the beautiful sky for a bit longer and then ran into the train station.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Let’s see. Platform 4,platform 5, platform 6, platform….” said Nagisa as she looked around her as she walked with her train ticket. “Ah, platform seven!” said Nagisa as she ran inside and handed her ticket to a man blocking the entrance to the train. He then told her to go to train compartment number nine.

    “Where oh where could it….” said Nagisa as she walked down the train interior and then stopped at one of the train compartments.

    “Oh, here we are.” said Nagisa as she opened the door to see that no one else was in that compartment, of which she was glad. She then sat down in the seat that had windows behind it and the train started to move. Then she opened her purse and pulled out her iPod that had a white case on it that had pink lipstick kisses on it. The whole ride she watched the music video of a song called “LDN”.

    “Attention all passengers. We have arrived in Osaka, Japan. Thank you for riding with us.” said a voice on the loud speaker that Nagisa could hear over the music video that she played over and over.

    “Come on Miko, we’re here.” said Nagisa as she talked into her bracelet to wake up Miko who was asleep. Then she darted out of the train so fast by using her Kitsune Warrior speed that she seemed like a blur of color.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As she ran outside, she stopped and stared at the sky. The shining sun looked like a golden charm that sparkled in the sky. Flowers and trees were everywhere, and so were people. Nagisa walked up the street while looking all around her and stopped to stare at a big hill.

    “Miko-san, I think that’s where St. Spica Academy is.” said Nagisa as she lifted up her left arm so that Miko could see.

    “Yup, that’s defiantly Sakura Hills.” said Miko.

    “Let’s go, Miko-san.” said Nagisa as she looked around to make sure no one was around and then she used her lightening fast speed and arrived at Sakura Hills, the location of St. Spica Academy, in mere seconds.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As the two arrived at the top of Sakura Hills, Nagisa was amazed at everything. It looked like a botanical garden. There were fruit bearing trees, flowers, and many students. As she walked on toward the front of the school, she saw there were boys that were giving strange looks and they seemed to be checking her out. But Nagisa just blushed and looked down as she kept walking. And she kept looking down that she didn’t notice she was at the front of the school and hit a wall face first and fell to her butt.

    “Owww! That really hurt!” said Nagisa as she rubbed her fore head and got up.

    “At least I found the school.” said Nagisa as she walked inside.

    The school was very big and wide. It looked as if it took up a whole street. It was fancy looking with white buildings and had had thick yellow swirls. The whole of Sakura Hills had thriving green grass and flowers. There was also a church that was made of grey bricks and a charcoal-colored roof. And the dormitory building had the same design as the school.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “I feel like a princess! This school looks like something from a fairytale!” commented Nagisa as she walked through the French-looking school.

    “Nagisa-chan, the school office is to your right.” whispered Miko to Nagisa so no one else could hear him.

    “Oh right. Thank you Miko-san.” Nagisa said with excitement as she skipped into the office.

    As she entered, she saw a girl who looked about seventeen with long black hair who was sitting at a desk with many papers and was starring avidly at her laptop. She seemed to be a student secretary to Nagisa since she was around her age.

    “Um hi. I’m here to get my dorm key and class schedule.” said Nagisa as she skipped to the girl’s desk.

    “Oh, you must be Aoi Nagisa!” replied the girl as she looked up with a smile.

    “Uh, how do you know my name?” Nagisa responded to what she said with a look of confusion.

    “If I’m going to be on the student council, then I must know everything that has to do with this school. And also because your dorm room is next to mine!” replied the girl as she went into her desk and pulled out a white folder.

    “Here you go!” she said as she handed the folder to Nagisa.

    “Thank you.” she responded as she gabbed the folder and skipped out the door and went outside.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Now to meet my new room mates.” said Nagisa as she walked outside and opened the white folder. The folder had the school’s emblem on the front which was a blue oval with a yellow s in fancy writing. Three small yellow stars were arranged into triangles that were next to the s. And at the top of the oval was a bright white star.

    “Let’s see. The school is there and I’m here…” began Nagisa as she kept walking and pulled out a map from her folder.

    “Then the dorm room should be….over there.” said Nagisa as she looked.

    “Oh dear. That’s not right!” said Nagisa as she looked back at her map and ran frantically.

    “This makes no sense.” said Nagisa as she leaned against a tree near the school.

    “Hopelessly lost meet Aoi Nagisa. Aoi Nagisa meet hopelessly lost. I think we’ll become best friends.” said Nagisa with a sigh and the look of dismay.

    “Hey there beautiful. You seem to be lost.” said a boy as he walked up to Nagisa very closely.

    “Um, uh…. No. I’m fine.” she replied nervously.

    “Come on! I’ll show you around!” he said as he pulled Nagisa by the arm.

    “I said no. Now let go of me you’re hurting my arm.” Nagisa replied as she had the look of fear. Even though she became super powerful the day before, she still had the same fears and always acted as if she were physically weak. Which is why most people could take advantage of her.

    “Come on! It won’t hurt a bit if you stop struggling!” he said as he tightened his grip on Nagisa’s arm.

    “Let go of her.” said a boy with brown hair and dark brown eyes. He had a white short sleeved hoodie that had a blue stripe on it, baggy jeans, and white sneakers.

    “Whatever….” said the boy as he let go of Nagisa’s arm.

    “Thank you so much. I didn’t think that boy would ever leave me alone. How can I ever re-” said Nagisa in a quiet voice as she bowed.

    “It’s okay. Just be careful next time, Nagisa-chan.” said the boy.

    “H-how does he know my name?” thought Nagisa as she looked up to see who it was.

    “Syoaran-kun.” said Nagisa as she looked up and blushed a little as she saw it was her first crush from when she was little.

    She had always blushed around him and became uneasy ever since the first day she had met him. She had gone to live with him and his mom for two years until she was adopted after her mom died. Her mom and Syoaran’s mom were best friends though they were five years apart. And the rest of Nagisa’s family excluded her for two reasons. One because they hated her mother and father because her mom was with a human. Something a Kitsune would be excluded because of. And two because her mom became pregnant with her at the age of twenty-three and was un-married. About three years after she was adopted, Syoaran and his mom moved away, which saddened Nagisa.

    “Long time no see, huh Nagisa-chan?” said Syoaran with a smile which made Nagisa blush even more.

    “Uh-huh.” responded Nagisa with a nod as she felt like her face was burning.

    “You’re lost, aren’t you?” asked Syoaran.

    “Yeah. I can’t find the dorm rooms.” she quickly responded.

    “Don’t worry. I’ll take you.” said Syoaran as he grabbed Nagisa by the hand and led her away from the school.

    During the whole walk there, Syoaran kept looking back at Nagisa to make sure she was okay. But this just made her blush more when their eyes met. So she just looked down to try and avoid eye contact with him. She acted like this a lot around Syoaran. She always tried to contain the feelings she had for him but that just made them show more.

    “We’re here, Nagisa-chan.” said Syoaran as he stopped in front of a huge white brick fence that had a yellow metal door.

    “Oh, um .Thank you Syoaran-kun.” replied Nagisa as she looked up to see Syoaran was staring at her and then looked sharply down.

    “It was no problem.” said Syoaran as he led her inside.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As they entered the dorm building, Nagisa saw that it didn’t just have dorm rooms. The floor they were on was a café. The second floor was the dining hall, the third floor had the girls’ dorms, and the fourth floor had the boys’ dorms. As Syoaran led Nagisa to the elevator and pressed a button to take her up and the doors quickly opened.

    “Nagisa-chan, your elevator is here so you can let go of my hand now.” said Syoaran as he looked back at Nagisa and let go of his grip on her hand but she still held it.

    “Oh sorry Syoaran-kun.” replied Nagisa as she quickly let go of Syoaran’s hand as she blushed and ran inside the elevator and the doors closed. As soon as Syoaran was out of sight, Nagisa started talking to Miko.

    “I’m hopeless Miko-san.” said Nagisa as she looked down with the look of hopelessness.

    “I’ve acted like that around him ever since the first day I met him.” said Nagisa with sadness.

    “You’re not hopeless Nagisa-chan. Just confused.” replied Miko to try and comfort Nagisa.

    “But every time I try to talk to him I become mindless and can’t find anything to say.” said Nagisa as she slumped.

    “I think I know what’s the matter. You have all the signs: blushing, feeling uneasy, unable to find words to say, and stuttering. Nagisa-chan, you have a crush on him.” pointed out Miko.

    “C-crush?” thought Nagisa as she looked down and the doors opened.

    As she got closer and closer to the door of her dorm room, her heart was pounding. She was thinking of things like “I hope they’re nice.” and “I hope they like me.” as she put her key through the keyhole and turned the knob. As she opened the door, she saw a girl with long blue hair that was tied back in a bun with a thick, long pale blue ribbon except for her bangs and two small front section of her long hair that she kept loose. Her eyes were silver She had on a blue plaid skirt, a brown tank top, and had blue plaid slipper shoes.

    “Hello!” she said in a sweet voice as she pulled Nagisa into the room.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    “Um, hi everyone.” said Nagisa as she was led into the room by the girl with blue hair.

    The room was very big and had two bunk beds, two very large closets, and four desks for doing homework. At the back of the room mounted on a wall was a television and two large windows with the curtains closed at both sides of it. There was were many suitcases on the floor and Nagisa noticed her four bags were there.

    “Hi! I’m Suzumi Tamao. But you can call me Tamao. May we call you Nagisa-chan?” she asked with a smile.

    “Um, yes.” said Nagisa with relief as she was happy that her room mates were nice.

    “Hey, I’m Hy?ga Kizuna! But just call me Kizuna. Kay?” said a very hyper girl with light brown hair that was in pigtails except for her bangs and auburn eyes. She had on a red tank top with a silver heart on it that was on top of a white, collared button down shirt, jean capris, and red ballet flats.

    “And I’m Tsukidate Chiyo. Chiyo is fine with me.” said a girl with the sweetest voice Nagisa ever heard. She had short dark green hair at shoulder length that had two small section that had two yellow hair pins on each part. She had aqua blue eyes. She had on a yellow shirt with blue polka dots, a blue skirt, and yellow ballet flats. All the girls seemed to be the same height as Nagisa.

    “So what took you so long to get here?” asked Kizuna with a smile.

    “Well, on my way here this boy wouldn’t leave me alone.” replied Nagisa as she looked down.

    “We should make a vow then ladies. From now on, we must look out for each other and especially look after Nagisa-chan.” said Tamao in a voice that made her seem like she was Nagisa’s mother.

    “That sounds like a good idea.” said Chiyo as she smiled at Nagisa.

    “Sure does!” said Kizuna in her hyper voice.

    “Um, but you guys don’t have to-” started Nagisa.

    “We know!” said the three girls in unison with smiles.

    “We want to because that’s what friends do. They look out for each other.” said Tamao.

    These words touched Nagisa as she had never been treated nicely by girls her own age. All here life she had gone to an all-girls school filled with mean preppy rich girls that acted like snobs to Nagisa which made her feel very sad and left out. But this time was different. She felt like they would grow like sisters. Something she always wanted since she was an only child.

    “But I was fine because my friend Syoaran was there.” said Nagisa as she blushed.

    “Attention, will all students please come to the dining hall. Thank you.” said a voice on the P.A. system.

    “Come on guys! We can unpack later! But we gotta get there asap or the headmistress will flip out!” said Kizuna as she ran to the door and ushered everyone out.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As they walked out, they saw a girl with long dark green hair and silver eyes and a girl with blonde hair that was curled at the ends with blue eyes.

    “Yaya-chan, maybe she’s not here yet?” said the girl with blonde hair.

    “Hikari-san, I know my cousin and she’s gotta be here! Oh there you are Chiyo-san!” said the girl with dark green hair as she ran up to Chiyo. She had on a blue shirt that showed her back that had dark blue skulls on it, dark blue jeans, and blue sneakers. The other girl had on a brown sweater, brown plaid capris, and brown plaid slippers.

    “Yaya-chan!” responded Chiyo as she saw her cousin.

    “Chiyo-san, I missed you soooo much!” said Yaya as she tightly hugged her cousin.

    “Oh, you girls must be her room mates! I’m Tsukidate Yaya, Chiyo’s cousin.

    “And I’m Konohana Hikari, her room mate said the girl with blonde hair with a smile as she walked up to the girls.

    “But call us by our first names, kay?” said Yaya with a wink.

    “Yaya-chan, these are my room mates. Hy?ga Kizuna, Suzumi Tamao, and Aoi Nagisa.” said Chiyo as she pointed to each of the girls in order.

    “Nice to meet you!” the two girls said in unison.

    “Well we better begetting down stairs. Come on, we should go together!” said Yaya as she signaled them to come to the elevator.

    The girls nodded in response.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    As the girls arrived at the dining hall and sat down, Nagisa noticed that Syoaran was coming her way along with his room mates and began to blush.

    “Come on Nagisa. He’s just a boy. A boy you’ve known most of your life. Don’t crack under pressure.” thought Nagisa as he got closer

    “Hey Nagisa-chan!” said Syoaran as he touched Nagisa’s shoulder which made her blush more and made her a bit startled.

    Come on Nagisa say something! Come on! Just two words! Two words!” she shouted in her mind.

    “H-hi Syoaran-kun.” she stuttered and looked down.

    “Nagisa-chan, who’s your friend?” asked Yaya with an emphasis on “friend”.

    “This is my friend Inogawa Syoaran.” said Nagisa as she kept looking down.

    “Very nice to meet you!” the five girls said in unison.

    “Well I gotta go sit at my table now. Guys aren’t allowed to sit with girls. By Nagisa-chan! See you later!” said Syoaran as he walked away.

    :Umm, y-yeah. Bye.” said Nagisa as she looked down with her hands folded and on her lap as she still blushed.

    When he was no longer visible, her five new friends looked at her with big smiles on their faces and giggled a little.

    “What is it guys?” asked Nagisa as she looked up. When she looked for a few seconds, she finally knew why they were smiling at her.

    “No you guys. You have the wrong idea.” said Nagisa as she blushed a little and talked in a quiet tone. A smile was forming on her lips.

    “You two just make a perfect couple!” said Kizuna with a giggle though she meant what she said.

    “A match made in heaven.” said Tamao as she outlined a heart with her index fingers.

    “It would be really cute to see you two as a couple.” said Yaya as she gave a smile giggle with her eyes closed.

    “Very true.” said Chiyo and Hikari in unison.

    All of her friends’ comments made Nagisa blush and feel uneasy. Then she thought about what Miko said earlier and thought of many other times when she acted like that around him.

    “A crush? No. That could never be. I would never want to complicate our friendship.” said Nagisa as she looked down. But in saying this, she admitted that she really did like him.

    “But there’s a first time for everything.” said Hikari as she looked at Nagisa.

    “Maybe…” she replied as she looked at the table where Syoaran was sitting at.

    “Ahem.” said the headmistress as she cleared her throat to get the students’ attention.

    “Fellow students of Saint Spica Institute, I am happy to announce that a wonderful new school year is about to begin with many exciting adventures along the way.” she continued as she walked around.

    “Classes begin in two days. And tomorrow you must get your uniforms. I hope that you all have a good year here.” she said as she went to sit down and observed the new students.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    They all ate a lot at dinner since they were very hungry. But all the while, Nagisa kept blushing as she thought of Syoaran. As all the students finished up, they made a stampede to the elevators. But she got three daifuku filled with sweet red bean paste for Miko as they were his favorites. Before Nagisa and her five friends got on an empty one she was deep in thought.

    “Maybe this will be a good year for us, Syoaran-kun.” she thought as she blushed.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    733

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    As with last time, I'll begin with grammar, with bolded corrections.

    going to take your luggage to your dorm.
    being trouble makers,” said Nagisa’s mom as she grabbed her car keys.
    (I think there's a line missing here)
    said Nagisa as she put on her purse and signaled Miko to follow her.
    “Yup, that’s definitely Sakura Hills,” said Miko.
    Bye Nagisa-chan! See you later!
    A new school, huh? I remember when I started a new school, though it really didn't take me long to adjust. And at least Nagisa's roommates are nice. Although that one boy is a cause for concern...

    A relationship is budding between Nagisa and Syoaran, whether she wants to admit it or not

    “Hopelessly lost meet Aoi Nagisa. Aoi Nagisa meet hopelessly lost. I think we’ll become best friends.”
    LOL!

    One thing you can do to perhaps give your fic a bit more personality is to not use "said" all the time but instead use other words like "replied" and "commented."

    Overall, though, I find myself enjoying this fic, and I'm looking forward to seeing what adventures await Nagisa both in and out of school. But if you can, send me a PM when you put up a new chapter; otherwise I might forget it!

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