EDIT: Top of page seven! Wahoo!
Sorry I'm late.
First off, good job with the opening scene. It's good to make fun of your characters so they don't become Mary Sues.
And then Dawn dropped off of the edge of the Earth, which turned out to be flat after all, and her sentence remained incomplete for all eternity. (Or I could just say you missed a period, but that's boring.)“Just do your best and believe in yourself. That’s what somebody always tells me”
Sounds a bit redundant, but maybe it's just me.Who knew a combination of water and electricity could combine so well together!
Omigosh, you own at writing contest appeals. This one was absolutely amazing. Great description, amazing ideas, and yet a touch of humanity, with Dawn hoping that her appeal actually works.
*Cough-Riley-from-National-Treasure-cough*The teenaged boy slipped his backpack off his body and unzipped it. He then pulled out an electronic device that looked like a highly advanced personal digital assistant. Altaďr ceased his activities as he listened for any sign of life in the dressing room for several seconds before continuing with his business.
Sooo... I got it!
PDI, from Altair's PDA, stands for
And Altair's gonna be picking up a Mareep heart to disect for his science class. Duh.
Okay, so maybe not, but I have got several VERY believeble guesses...
Proud Destroyers of Idiots?
People Donning Invisibility?
Personal Doctors Incorperated?
Percy Driving Infernos?
Patrick Dissing Infernapes?
Fine. So maybe I have no idea.
Again, Ash fails to see May. I was about to get upset if he did.
I like your reactions between Dawn and May - really believeable.
Not much to comment on emotion-wise, plot wise, or character wise, but it definately was flashy, and well described.
Fluency did seem a bit off here and there, but it might just be me.
I'm waiting for the next one!
PS, PLEASE tell me - I did reply to your second one-shot on Fanfiction, right?