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Thread: The Perfect Family?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Wales!!!! Admiring Shinji

    Default The Perfect Family?

    The rating is... 15 due to bad language, abuse etc....
    This fic contains these shippings ( Some of them may not exsict! )....
    Penguinshipping ( not exacly )
    Contestshipping ( A few chapters )
    NiaXJimmy ( in part 2 only )
    HannahXDrew ( Part 2 and in some flash-backs with some parts of affections! )
    HannahXPaul ( Some signs of affection and in some parts )
    Belleshipping ( Flash-back only )
    Pearlshipping ( Start pf Chapter 1 and other chapters )
    Hannah & Kengo ( Family relationship )
    Yes Nia and Hannah don't starr in the actual anime! '-' so please don't bash abot that! And so then nither do their ships exesit either!

    Hope you like it! Please comment and Rate!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

    ~~ Chapter 1 ~~

    It was a week before Dawn and Ash's Wedding
    and things weren't going so well for the nearly
    newly weds!

    " DAWN.... Where the hell is my suit-case?" Shouted the depressed Ash!
    " Where I told you in the god-damn attic! " Dawn shouted Back

    * 10 Minutes Later *

    " Thanks Dawn! " Ash said Finally coming
    down the stairs with a black suit-case

    " um.... Ash... Where are you going with your suit-case? "

    " Dawn don't you remember? I'm going to May and Drew's
    new place! "

    " oh yeah! " Dawn said quietly

    * BEEP BEEP *

    " Oh?! Taxi's here! see ya later babe! " Ash said giving
    Dawn a light kiss on the cheek

    " Bye Paul! " Dawn said while waving bye to Ash

    15 minutes later and Dawn was on the phone
    to Kengo!

    " Please Kengo I don't want to do this! You can't make me! "

    " Want a bet?! Dawn you do what any thing
    out of tune and I'll tell Ash everything! "

    " you wouldn't dare! Kengo you can't I love Ash
    and I would'nt do anything to hurt him! "

    " Better do as I say then huh Dawn?! "

    " Fine... Just please Kengo don't hurt him! "

    " If you do as I say! "

    " Fine " Dawn cried down the phone
    " You win.... "

    " Good Girl " Kengo said evily

    The Next Day in Cardiff....

    " Morning May! How are you? " Ash happily said walking
    in the kitchen

    " Oh? Good morning Ash! Yeah I'm fine you? "

    " Alright a little tired though! Hey May have you seen
    Drew? Me and him have got things to discuss! "

    " You've just missed him Ash! He's gone to work! He'll be back for his lunch
    break at Half-past twelve! But until then he'll be working sorry Ash! "

    " Don't worry about it May! " Ash sighed

    Twelve twenty-five o'clock

    May was busy talking on the phone to her old friend.... Hannah

    " WOW really so then how are things then? I mean with you and Johanna? "
    May said down the phone

    " Fine I haven't heard from her for just over two weeks now! And Drew doesn't
    really care about her! She was really upset when I told her the her
    father has'nt called to wish her a happy birthday! "

    " Oh Hannah if had known I would have reminded him! "

    " May it's fine Drew knew that it was her birthday
    and believe me when I see him next he'll regret it! "

    " Well he'll be home in about five minutes so
    you can speak to him then OK? "

    " May I won't be able to! "

    " Oh? Why not? "

    " Well Johanna is coming home and I've gotta go
    and pick her up! Even though she hasn't called
    I still have the text that she sent me about
    three weeks ago! "

    " Oh right well I'll speak to you soon then Hannah?! "

    " Oh yeah May is it alright if Johanna can stay with you
    for a few days next week? If you don't mind that is?! "

    " Of course it's fine Hannah! Well I better not keep you
    any longer from getting Johanna! "

    " Thanks May... Bye "

    " Bye Hannah! "

    At The Train Station

    " The west Wales bording school train will be arriving in Five Minutes "
    The over-head lady said down the micro-phone
    then Hannah's phone recived a text message from Drew.....
    Which said.....
    " Leave us alone! U and Johanna can cope on ur own! U don't
    need me, U need 2 get over me, Hannah! "

    " She needs a father Drew! " Hannah sighed
    " Not just a mother " Hannah also added under her breathe

    Five Minutes After Hannah had the text message

    " Mom! "

    " Huh? Johanna? Your back! "

    " Mom! I've missed you so much! Have you heard from Daddy yet? "
    A girl aked Hannah she had Black hair that shimmered in the sun-light

    " No Johanna I have'nt not for ages! I'm sorry! "

    " It's ok mom! it's not your fault! Can we go home now? "

    " Of course we can Johanna "


    There's Chapter 1! Hope you liked it! Chapter 2 will be stared 2day and uploaded ASAP!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Down your pants. =D


    Well, it's good fic..though you need to add the right punctuation and be more descriptive with the shipppings coz just in case newbies or other ppl who don't know much shippings will know who's with who. Plus you have some typos, but nobody's perfect!

    The idea of domestic violence is commonly used, but in the right format it sounds really good, and if you stuff it up then...well you go downhill.

    But since you have a good story line and if you do the above then you'll be fine! I think that you need to add a bit more humour. But since you’re in your first chappies and need to character build and that kind of stuff; I don’t expect you to!

    Do this and I'll keep on reading! Keep Smiling and I"ll read from you soon! ^_^

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    the Reverse World


    You have a good sense of story-telling - you have interesting scenes that could engage a reader with suspense.
    But this fic needs a lot of work in order to achieve that. First and foremost, you need description, and lots of it. Some examples would be, tell us where the characters are and what that looks like. It just too rushed - I'm not able to get into the story because you don't allow me to see anything - basically you're just telling the reader what's going on, and that doesn't make good fic. At this point, I just don't care, I'm confused as to what's really happening.
    I'll give you an example:
    " Good Girl " Kengo said evily

    The Next Day in Cardiff....

    " Morning May! How are you? " Ash happily said walking
    in the kitchen
    Too much jumping around. Linger on how Dawn feels about Kengo pushing her around and threatening her - should she tell someone? Explain why she decides to or not. And what's Cardiff? Try explaining what that is, if it's a place - explain why these characters are there, and so on. The kitchen too - who's house? What's it look like? Why is Ash/May there? Give us some background information - it's more important than you think.
    Because of the lack of description, I don't have a comment on the plot, because I'm unsure exactly what it is. It seems to me that Kengo has threatened Dawn. From what I know, that seems a little OOC for Kengo. =\ You should also state how old everyone is at the beginning of the fic (in a way that doesn't just list off their ages). I went in thinking they were all still 10 and all of a sudden Dawn and Ash were getting married!
    As said, you have a good sense of story-telling, but without desciption, the reader will never know that. Work on these areas, and it will improve your writing tenfold. ^^
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