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Thread: Lost Without You (pikashipping)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    Default Lost Without You (pikashipping)

    Lost Without You

    Shipping: Pikashipping (Ash and Pikachu)
    Rating: G

    Chapter 1...

    Ash and Pikachu had just faced Palkia and Dialga, and suffered a devastating loss.
    It was pouring with rain. Ash and Pikachu were lying side by side on the ground, wiped out by Palkia’s hyper beam. Ash slowly got up and turned to Pikachu, wincing in pain.
    "Pi...Pikachu?" he said weakly, expecting some sort of response from the mouse. It opened its eyes and looked up at him. It could barely move, let alone speak. Ash put his hand on Pikachu. Tears were welling up in his eyes.
    "Pika...Pikachu! Are you ok...?" He managed to get out. Pikachu didn’t reply. It closed its eyes.
    "No...please Pikachu..." Ash was desperately pleading for Pikachu to wake up. But it was too late. Pikachu's body lost colour and went very pale. It lay perfectly still. Ash felt like his heart was getting shredded. He could barely move. He was speechless. He looked at the motionless body of his best friend.
    "Pikachu!" he whimpered. He began to cry uncontrollably. He collapsed to the ground and let the pouring rain completely soak him.

    -The Next Day-

    Ash put his hand on the door handle and opened the door. His mother ran up to him and gave him a huge hug.
    “Honey! You’re finally back home! I’ve missed you so much! How are you? What have you got to tell me?” she said in one breath.
    Ash just stood there with a crushed look on his face.
    “Honey? What’s wrong?” Delia said in a concerned voice.
    Ash looked down and started breathing heavily. He looked back up to Delia, who was looking back at him.
    “I couldn’t travel anymore…” He softly said.
    “…why? You love travelling.” She replied.
    He lowered his head, making his hat cover his eyes.
    “Not without Pikachu…!” He started crying. Delia was shocked.
    “What do you mean? Why isn’t Pikachu with you? What happened?” She asked.
    “We were fighting Palkia and Dialga…and Pikachu got wiped out…” He sobbed.
    “Pikachu is…” He looked back up. “He’s gone!” He collapsed into his mothers arms and tears poured down his cheeks.
    “Oh, ash...” She hugged him hard; she didn’t know what else to do.

    -Later that day-
    Ash was sitting on the couch in front of the TV, hugging a pillow to his chest and staring blankly into the TV screen. There was one of his favourite shows on, but he was just sitting there emotionlessly. Thinking of all the good times he had with Pikachu…

    (Flashback)
    “Spearows, I’m Ash Ketchum from the town of Pallet. I’m going to defeat and capture all of you. Come and get me!!”
    The many spearows swooped down and just before contact, Pikachu climbed up Ash’s shoulder and jumped between them.
    “Pikaaaa….CHU!!!!!” It yelled as it performed an amazing electric attack. Ash and Pikachu were both lying on the ground.
    “We…beat em.” Ash said to Pikachu.
    “Pika...” Pikachu agreed.
    (End flashback)

    Ash was lost in thought. He then realized that Pikachu wasn’t coming back, and they couldn’t have any more of those times. This made him hug the pillow harder.
    “Pikachu…I never realized just how much you mean to me…I guess it’s true what they say…you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone…”

    and thats chapter 1! hope it turned out ok...any comments would be greatly appreciated ^_^
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  2. #2
    Join Date
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    I'll let it go for now - but please edit it and make your chapters longer. One way you could do that is give clearer background detail, especially this:
    Ash and Pikachu had just faced Palkia and Dialga, and suffered a devastating loss.
    Please give the reader more information. It's interesting and yet you blow it off in one sentence. You could easily write as much background information for that one sentence as this entire chapter. You have an interesting story going on here, however. ^^
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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    Down your pants. =D
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    Well i do agree that u need longer chappies...but part from that all you need is to be more desciptive - but that can be hard - believe me! ^_^;

    I am a big fan of hating Pikachu (soz Pikachu lovers) but you made me want to rip up your story and rewrite it, making Pikachu alive again...very sad story ;_; - you've got a good momentum going on and i think you just need to what i've said above. Oh, and even though i've said this so many times i couldn't count, please add some humour - but i don't expect you to right now since it's a gloomy climax at the moment!

    Keep the chapters coming and Keep Smiling! ^_^ Oh, and if you have a PM list, could I plz be on it???

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