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Thread: My story-Pokemon White.

  1. #1
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    Talking My story-Pokemon White.

    [In my room]
    Me: Cheren you get the first pick!
    Cheren: Alright, I want, hmmm.... Snivy!
    Bianca: Oh me next! I want Tepig!
    Me: And i'll have Oshawott!
    Bianca: Jake, lets have a battle!
    Me: Alright.
    Bianca: Tepig! I choose you!
    Me: Oshawott! I choose you!
    [Ash walks into my room]
    Ash: Wait guys! Don't have a battle in here!
    Me: Why?
    Ash: It could destroy your room!
    Cilian: Yeah.
    Bianca: Cilian! The gym leader?
    Cilian: At your service.
    Ash: You can have a battle at the gym, there's plenty enough space.
    Bianca: Yeah!
    [We get to the gym]
    Ash: Pikachu, lets have something to eat!
    Pikachu: Pika!
    [Ash and pikachu get some food and watch]
    Me: Lilipup, I choose you!
    Bianca: Tepig! I choose you!
    Me: Lilipup, use tackle!
    [Tepig: 4/10 HP]
    Bianca: Tepig, use Ember!
    [Lilipup: 2/10 HP]
    Me: Lilipup, again Tackle!
    [Tepig fainted]
    Bianca: Tepig! Go Cutie! (Cutie is that little hog thing.... I forgot it's name!)
    Me: Lilipup! Return! Go Oshawott!
    Bianca: Cutie, use Tackle!
    [Oshawott: 6/10 HP]
    Me: Oshawott, use watergun!
    [Cutie: 1/10]
    Bianca: Cutie, use Tackle!
    [Oshawott dodged the attack!]
    Me: Oshawott use Tackle!
    [Cutie fainted]
    [Battle Ends]
    Bianca: Wow Jake! That was some battle!
    Me: Yeah.
    [Cheren healed Bianca's and Jake's Pokemon]

    Was that good?
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

  2. #2
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    You can't use scripts in stories here, unless if you can pull it off with good enough description (which I think is called stage directions for scripts). There is pretty much no description at all. It is random too. Cilan & Ash randomly appearing in the player's house? The beginning reminds me of the beginning of Black & White too, but that isn't particularly a good thing.

    I also wouldn't use HP for a Pokémon in a fanfiction. You don't have to make a fanfiction based off of the games in every possible factor. Fanfics here also have to be at least two pages on a Word processor, such as Microsoft Word (although that doesn't mean you can just put in random stuff to get to the two page mark).

    I also wouldn't saw Me. Just say the character's name (which I'm assuming is Jake?), unless if it is a first person story (which wouldn't have script here).

    To answer your question, no. This story was not good.

    Ruby: LeafGreen (Nuzlocke):
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    Pearl: Platinum:
    SoulSilver: White:
    White 2:
    Wii FC: 8945-6722-1722-6586 | Nintendo Network ID: Master_Zach
    3DS FC: 1289-8257-7574 | Xbox Gamertag: WaTeRChAmP97
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  3. #3
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    Huge critic here huh? Your kinda rude, its based off of the SERIES and the GAME so back off. Your the most harsh person I have met. Im new to making fanfics so back off, im new here so back off.....
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

  4. #4
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    At least I didn't use all caps once, until this post. IT BREAKS THE RULES HERE. Just read the rules for fanfictions.

    Here's the link for the fanfiction rules: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=319438

    I'm the harshest person you met? You haven't met a lot of people then.

    Regardless of what you think, this thread is going to get closed because it breaks the fanfiction rules here.

    The only remotely mean thing I said was that your story was not good. Everything else wasn't necessarily intended to be taken as a rude thing.

    Ruby: LeafGreen (Nuzlocke):
    Emerald: Diamond:
    Pearl: Platinum:
    SoulSilver: White:
    White 2:
    Wii FC: 8945-6722-1722-6586 | Nintendo Network ID: Master_Zach
    3DS FC: 1289-8257-7574 | Xbox Gamertag: WaTeRChAmP97
    Claimed: Blastoise, Pokémon XY & Calem from Pokémon XY

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zekrom_Lover View Post
    Huge critic here huh? Your kinda rude, its based off of the SERIES and the GAME so back off. Your the most harsh person I have met. Im new to making fanfics so back off, im new here so back off.....
    Um, wow, he really wasn't being that harsh. This will most likely get closed, but two things. 1.) It's generally not a good idea to base a fic closely off the games, mostly because everyone has played the games and know the story. 2.) Just because you're new to fanfics doesn't excuse you from not reading the rules.
    3DS FC:0533-4900-6084

    Before you criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away, and you have thier shoes.

    Shiny Expert: Xander
    After Xander loses the Unova League, he gets a mysterious call from Prof. Rowan saying that he must come back and see what he's found. Xander has no idea what's in store for him.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zekrom_Lover View Post
    Huge critic here huh? Your kinda rude, its based off of the SERIES and the GAME so back off. Your the most harsh person I have met. Im new to making fanfics so back off, im new here so back off.....
    You need to be able to accept critisisiam to be a good writer here. Plus, this is just a script. If you do make a script, make it alot more detailed, like include..

    Me: (Harsh Tone) Blah blah blah!

    Also, ash and cilan just come in? We have no clue how they got here. And if your following the games, or the anime, you REALLY need to make it different, or it's just boring. And also, hit points are a bad idea at this point. Like this, is okay.

    "He has really low HP!" or "HE has alot of hit points!"

    But this is too gameish in most peoples opinouns, and not as good as descriptions that tell us how much they are Hurt. Show, don't tell.

    I understand your a beginning writer, but trust me, he wasn't harsh. listen to your fans. And yes, this is not a very good story- but that's not to say you and it can't have promise!
    TODAY I DRANK PICKLE JUICE.
    It was pretty good.

  7. #7
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    The other thing that I forgot to say is that if you don't know the name of a pokemon, it would be best to look it up. The pokemon that you were talking about is called "Patrat."
    3DS FC:0533-4900-6084

    Before you criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away, and you have thier shoes.

    Shiny Expert: Xander
    After Xander loses the Unova League, he gets a mysterious call from Prof. Rowan saying that he must come back and see what he's found. Xander has no idea what's in store for him.

  8. #8
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    Well, im sorry, I thought there was just the rules that I was messaged about. Im seriously sorry, I lost my temper before acctually checking.
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

  9. #9
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    OK. I think you should ask a mod to close this thread and start fresh when you feel you are ready.

    Ruby: LeafGreen (Nuzlocke):
    Emerald: Diamond:
    Pearl: Platinum:
    SoulSilver: White:
    White 2:
    Wii FC: 8945-6722-1722-6586 | Nintendo Network ID: Master_Zach
    3DS FC: 1289-8257-7574 | Xbox Gamertag: WaTeRChAmP97
    Claimed: Blastoise, Pokémon XY & Calem from Pokémon XY

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Torpoleon View Post

    I'm the harshest person you met? You haven't met a lot of people then.
    Regardless of what you think, this thread is going to get closed because it breaks the fanfiction rules here.
    Now you gotta admit, some of the things you said in there is pretty rude. But I do apologize for the things I said.
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

  11. #11
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    It was only the last line that was kind of harsh. Everything else wasn't supposed to be.

    Ruby: LeafGreen (Nuzlocke):
    Emerald: Diamond:
    Pearl: Platinum:
    SoulSilver: White:
    White 2:
    Wii FC: 8945-6722-1722-6586 | Nintendo Network ID: Master_Zach
    3DS FC: 1289-8257-7574 | Xbox Gamertag: WaTeRChAmP97
    Claimed: Blastoise, Pokémon XY & Calem from Pokémon XY

  12. #12
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    Okay. Lets just forget everything that happened and be freinds!
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

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