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Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #226
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    “Hey buddy, sorry about earlier with the whole thorn thing,
    Semicolon should be a comma.

    I thought there were only those on TV.
    “Hm… fine. Just don't get into any trouble, okay?”
    I'm assuming the goal is for Strix to stay out of trouble, lol

    when I specifically told him that I was morally opposed to fighting unless I had to!
    He felt a pair of stone jaws lock down on his neck,
    Now you better not pick any more fights.
    The forest seemed to begin to take over most of the beach
    At the other side of the clearing was a cliff side with a massive cave mouth.
    Dae then whacked him on the back of the head.
    A deep, gash that signifies exile from the clan.
    Heh, I said all along that Brawly wasn't the bad guy. He was looking out for Atlas' safety; after all, he knows how the Onix clan operates.
    that Treecko of your woulda made a tubular surfer… you, not so much.
    And here he is pwning Jeff... ooh, burn!

    I'm still wondering why Jeff would be so concerned about not being able to return to Dewford... are there any pressing issues that need to be dealt with there (aside from Cronus being a loser, which clearly will have to wait...)?

    Kevin and Corppy really need to consider getting together and starting a comedy show. Seriously.

    “Why can’t we just sleep in the hotel for once?” complained Rachel.

    “Where’s your sense of adventure?” prodded Kevin.

    “Where’s your sense of not being an idiot?” Rachel retorted.
    Glad to see my over-usage of hotels has inspired others, lol. I often find myself asking the same questions Rachel does here...

    Pretty good chapter, though I don't feel the whole Atlas vs. Cronus conflict was as intense as it could have been... Ah, but that's what not writing in forever will do to ya...

  2. #227
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    Haha, sorry that I hadn't reviewed in a while. Was quite busy at the time. Glad though you're back to writing this. ^^ Since tecincally this is Chapter 16, I'll review it in whole.

    Interesting backstory of Atlas there. Yeah, you don't see too much history of Pokemon. Also, Cronus at first strike me as those typical tyrant kind of character, but somehow you made him realistic, maybe because of how he's a real threat, espically in Part Two.

    My favorite part is when Kevin stole Treecko. Oh man, and he said he uses his head. :P Also, love the ending. He seriously deserves it. XD

    Hm, I would agree with Jeff that Treecko seemed to be all agreeing all of a sudden. Then again, he was in the Pokemon Center for quite some time. Also, I thought a few parts were rusty description wise, but the most I feel is in Part Two when both Atlas and his friend were going against Cronus' body guards. I felt you could have put a few more action scenes in there and also show how much they're struggling.

    Overall, I quite like this chapter. Some funny parts (Kevin and Corphish should definately tell jokes to each other XD) and also some intense stuff too. Can't wait for the next chapter! ^^


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  3. #228
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    Thanks for the reviews. I put the review responses on PC for DP479 and Bay.

    -----------------------------------------

    Truth or Reconciliation


    Mr. Briney’s boat was sailing gracefully over the aqua surf. Waves rocked it back and forth while three humans were standing on the deck with two almost at each other’s throats.

    “You STOLE Treecko from the POKEMON CENTER?!” Jeff grilled.

    “He wouldn’t come with me and then he hit me in the face! What was I supposed to do?” Kevin replied as if he had done nothing wrong.

    “How about ASK Nurse Joy for Treecko?” answered the brown haired teen, folding his arms.

    “I did that and she said ‘he wasn’t to be moved’…” Kevin replied as Rachel watched on, amused.

    “And why would she say that?” Jeff asked, calming down slightly.

    Kevin bit his lip and his voice softened almost inaudibly. “Eh… something about him still recovering and not being able to move…” to which he finished with a forced cough.

    Jeff scowled and his fists clenched as he began to walk towards Kevin. The blond haired teen grinned, backed up and raised his hands in front of him non-threateningly.

    “Easy there! What are you so mad about? You can’t go back there anyways!”

    “Hey Kevin… you look a little thirsty… why don’t you have a drink?” Jeff suggested, continuing to walk towards his friend.

    “Uhh… I’m good. I… ehh…” Before Jeff got too close, Kevin took out a pokeball and threw it on the deck between Jeff and him.

    A green bug pokemon appeared from the bright light and stood on the deck looking confused. Jeff stopped dead in his tracks and froze. His eyes looked up at the Scyther and he immediately started walking quickly backwards.

    “Woah woah woah WOAH! Ke-Kevin?! What are you doing?!” Jeff stammered, now jumping backwards.

    “What? Blitz is my starter! He deserves the air,” Kevin answered with a sly grin.

    Blitz looked around and noticed the terrified human who he remembered. The Scyther suddenly became very uncomfortable and he awkwardly looked around the ship. He then turned around to his friend.

    “<Is there something that you needed, Kevin?>” he asked.

    “No, I-”

    “<Then may I please go back in my pokeball?>” questioned the Scyther, shifting in his place a little.

    “I thought you would have wanted some air,” replied Kevin.

    “<I…>” He looked back at Jeff and then looked at Kevin. “<I will go sit over there,>” he said, pointing a scythe to the stern of the ship.

    As soon as Blitz was at the front of the boat’s deck Jeff cautiously walked towards Kevin.

    “What are you doing?! Why did you send him out?!” Jeff asked angrily.

    “Why wouldn’t I send him out? He’s my friend!” Kevin answered somewhat defensively.

    “Well you sure know how to pick ‘em. That bloodthirsty monster better be an awesome cook!”

    Despite being a ways away from the two, Blitz’s good hearing picked up on the conversation. He sighed and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck.

    Kevin looked back at Blitz, noticing his detection of their conversation. “Ease up, Jeff! You’re hurting his feelings!”

    “Ooooo!” Jeff said in mock regret. “I’m hurting his feelings? Well he tried-to-kill-me!!!”

    “When did YOU get to be such a jerk?”

    Rachel stepped in. “Okay okay. Both of you! How about, Kevin, you and Blitz stay on the back end of the ship and Jeff stays on the front end of the ship?”

    They both nodded and Kevin went over to Blitz while Jeff walked to the bow of the ship.

    “Sorry about Jeff, he’s just a bit… uhhh…” Kevin tried to reassure.

    “<No, I am the one who is sorry. He has the right to hate me,>” answered the ashamed Scyther.

    “No he doesn’t. Well, not anymore at least! You’re a changed Scyther,” said Kevin, giving him a hard slap on the back.

    Blitz grinned. “<Thank you for the encouragement, Kevin.>”

    “Don’t mention it!” Kevin answered, putting Blitz in a headlock and playfully grinding his knuckles along the Scyther’s head. The two began to play fight- Blitz had his scythes pointed inwards as to not make Kevin into the human equivalent of chopped vegetables. Meanwhile, Jeff sent out Treecko and Corphish.

    “<Hooray! The ocean!>” merrily shouted Corphish, who jumped up onto the guardrail and looked at the water. “<Where are we going? Oh yeah, and welcome back, Jeff! I sincerely hope that prison wasn’t anything like Oz!>”

    Jeff chuckled. “No, it wasn’t anything like ‘Oz’, Corp. Oh, and we’re going to… Slateport, I think.”

    Treecko looked at the playful fight going on between Kevin and Blitz on the other side of the deck before looking back up at Jeff and putting his twig habitually in his mouth.

    “Hey, Treecko.”

    Treecko nodded. “<Yup.>”

    “I need to have a word with you for a minute,” Jeff said, gesturing with his head to a place away from Corphish.

    The wood gecko followed Jeff to the portside of the boat. He leaned against the rails of the boat, as did Jeff.

    “How are your wounds?”

    Treecko shook his head dismissively. “<They’re nothing.>”

    The teen took in a deep breath and then looked at the grass type. “Treecko… I’m… I’m really sorry for hitting you… and for everything. Ever since what happened in Petalburg I’ve been acting like a sulky selfish *ss and I don’t hold it against you for leaving when you did. I just didn’t know how to handle things and I made a big deal out of the stupidest things and yeah. Tell the others I’m sorry as well… Oh yeah, and I’m sorry about the pokeball thing; I’m worried about your ribs.”

    Treecko was more than a little shocked. He then nodded understandingly. “<Don’t worry about it,>” he reassured.

    Jeff was much more shocked than Treecko was. “Thank you… So we’re still friends?”

    Treecko stalled, but then nodded. “<Actually, Jeff, there’s something I need to say too…>” He paused and then began again. “<… I may have gotten as touchy as a Chikorita at some times… and I did some things that I now know were stupid… yeah…>”

    Jeff smiled. He knew that that was the most of an apology he would get out of Treecko.

    “Don’t worry about it.”

    Treecko then looked over to the still fighting Kevin and Blitz. “<That Scyther looks familiar…>”

    “Yeah… He’s the one who attacked me when we first crossed paths,” explained Jeff.

    Treecko took a fighting stance just as Corphish scuttled over. “<You mean you’ve actually met Master Mantis over there before?!>”

    Jeff nodded. “Treecko? I personally wouldn’t mind it if you kicked that Scyther’s *ss, but he’s Kevin’s pokemon and you’re still pretty… wounded.”

    Treecko crossed his arms and gave Jeff a look, but reluctantly stood down.

    Corphish recalled that his other friend wasn’t present. “<Why don’t you send Dae out?>”

    “Uhhhhhh…” Jeff stalled awkwardly. “I don’t think so.”

    “<Why not?>” he asked, while lightly tugging on Jeff’s shorts with his claw.

    “I think the answer is pretty obvious. He’s furious at me!”

    “<You’re going to have to face him sooner or later,>” Corphish replied.

    Jeff looked over at Treecko for his opinion, who shrugged and disinterestedly walked to the edge of the boat.

    Jeff sighed. “Fine, but give us some privacy, will ya?” He threw Dae’s pokeball and out came the Taillow. The dark blue bird looked up at Jeff with a glare.

    “Daedalus? We need to talk.”

    “<Yes, we do,>” he coldly answered.

    Daedalus flew onto a guardrail bar and Jeff walked up beside him.

    Jeff sighed. “Dae, I-”

    Daedalus flew up and gave a painful beak peck on his cheek. Jeff winced as a cut opened up and a trickle of blood dripped down to his chin.

    “…I deserved th-” He was cut off by another quick strike to his other cheek, which also drew blood. Jeff calmly put a hand to the newer cut. “…Feel better?”

    Daedalus shook his head. “<Not yet… You went to the gym in Rustboro City, didn’t you?>”

    “Yes, I did,” responded the teen.

    “<Why did you say all of those things when we were watching that battle before we went into Rustboro City? Was it to gain my trust?>”

    “No… I respect you too much to lie to you. I really did believe those things that I said,” answered Jeff.

    “<Then why do you have us pokemon fight at gyms?>” Daedalus retorted.

    “Okay… the whole reason I was on this journey was to get to the Hoenn League. If I could fight in the place of you guys, I would, but unfortunately that’s not how it works. Both Treecko and Corphish want to fight, so it’s not like I’m forcing you guys to. I’m not like that Blane guy!”

    Daedalus frowned. “<Then explain to me why you told me to fight in Dewford! And look what happened to Treecko as a result of that gym fight!>”

    Jeff bit his lip. “I’m sorry about that, but I was under a lot of pressure and I was desperate. I promise that I’ll never make any of you fight if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I did all that… forgive me?”

    Dae opened his beak to say something but then quickly shut it and indignantly turned his head away in a huff.

    Jeff frowned. “…You can’t say I didn’t try.”

    “<Yes I can.>”

    The Taillow flew over to Corphish who began asking him questions and Jeff breathed a sigh of relief, despite Dae still being mad.

    “Talk about holding a grudge…” muttered Jeff to no one inparticular.

    Kevin and Blitz, who were laughing and wrestling on the ground suddenly stopped.

    Blitz looked up from under Kevin’s armpit. “<Do you hear that?>”

    “Yeah…” answered Kevin. “Sounds like a motor.”

    Just then giant waves began to rock the boat back and forth. Everybody fell to the deck except for Blitz, who flew a foot off the deck. Giant waves rapped the starboard of the boat, causing surf to splash onto the deck.

    “What is it?!” Rachel yelled.

    “It’s not a storm! It’s still sunny out!” answered Jeff.

    With a giant wave, something appeared out of the water. A titanic blue serpent rose from the sea. It’s menacing, gaping mouth let out a ferocious roar. The serpent had white fins, blue whiskers, and was close to the size of Atlas. Water dripped down its beige underbelly and blue scales onto the deck as it peered down at the vessel.

    The three humans all stepped back as far as they could, which was the other side of the boat.

    “I knew we should have waited for the ferry!” complained Rachel in terror.

    Jeff uneasily looked at Kevin, who looked just as uneasily back. Both probably hoped that the other had a plan.

    “<Kevin? Challenge!>” exclaimed Blitz.

    “Just wait, Blitz! Let it make the first move!”

    Jeff’s pokemon all stood in front of him, ready to fight. He scowled. “If only we were on land…”

    Two blue jet skis pulled up on both sides of the Gyarados. Both had men with two blue bandanas on their heads and blue and white t-shirts along with darker blue bathing suits.

    “This is a raid! Hand over all of your pokemon… and the boat… and then you can have my jet ski! If you don’t then we will be forced to sink the boat… and you will be down one very nice jet ski,” warned the man on the left in a very calm, military personnel-like voice.

    “Come and make us!” retorted Kevin.

    The other guy stared blankly at him before driving his watercraft over next to him. “We’ve sunk so low as to stealing pokemon? Seriously?! And you’re offering your jet ski?! Why don’t we just take the boat and let them swim to a nearby isla-” The man stopped speaking as he carefully scanned the boat.

    “Oh shi…” he murmured in terror.

    “What is it, Chanandaler?” asked the other man, placing a toothpick in his mouth. The Gyarados also looked down.

    "Stop calling me that and just look, Joey, you idiot!" the guy whispered harshly.

    The man named Joey looked carefully at the boat. His mouth gaped and his toothpick fell out of his mouth.

    The other man looked at him. “… You don’t know what I’m looking at, do you?”

    “Not a clue,” he said, putting another toothpick in his mouth.

    “LOOK… ON… THE… BOAT…” he said, becoming more and more nervous.

    Joey looked on the boat carefully this time and his jaw hung open with his second toothpick dropping out of his mouth.

    “Oh, sweet merciful crap,” exclaimed Joey. “Okay, nothing to see here! Move along!” he said to the boat occupants. “This was all just a joke! This never happened! You saw nothing! We are just figments of your collective imaginations!”

    The Gyarados rubbed his face with his tail fin in embarrassment. The two men quickly turned around on their jet skis and sped off, followed by their massive pokemon.

    The man who was poorly nicknamed ‘Chanadaler’ hit Joey on the back of the head. “You idiot! If he finds out about this we are in such deep sh*t! This was your dumb idea!”

    “Relax, they think we’re figments of their collective imaginations!”

    Back on the boat, everyone was looking at each other confused.

    “Well, that was weird,” said a bewildered Jeff.

    “Who were those guys?” asked Rachel.

    Kevin rubbed his chin. “I dunno… I kind of recognize the uniforms from a picture I saw in the paper once… Team Aqua, I think it is? They’re in some kind of gang war with Team Lava or Magma or something.”

    Blitz landed on the deck. “<We could have defeated that oversized eel, could not we, Kevin?>” exclaimed Blitz, confidently.

    “With one hand and scythe tied behind our backs, we could!” Kevin agreed, heartily.

    Mr. Briney yelled up from below deck. “I think the waves from that flash storm we just had have died down, I’m going to raise the anchor back up and we should be in Slateport in no time,” said Mr. Briney. “I could have sworn I heard some older men talking… it was probably just the waves,” he murmured to the Wingull, Peeko, who rolled her eyes.

    The boat slowly started to begin moving again. By now, Rachel had sent out her two pokemon. Strix flew over to Jeff’s pokemon, enjoying the comedy routine of Corphish, while Avis remained with Rachel as she started talking to Kevin and Jeff.

    “<What do you get when you cross a Murkrow with a human? … You get Jeff!>” Corphish, Dae, and Strix all laughed, though it was more funny to Jeff’s pokemon. Even Treecko managed a barely noticeable grin.

    “<How many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb? …Who knows? They’re so lazy that they’d pay someone else to do it for them!>”

    This joke also attracted laughter until Jeff picked up Corphish by the horns.

    “There’s one behind you who’s capable of tickling a particular species of water pokemon to death,” threatened the brown haired teen with a sly grin.

    “<… I have a few NON-human related jokes,>” ensured Corphish, fearfully.

    “We’re here!” Mr. Briney called up from below the deck.

    Jeff recalled his pokemon, including Treecko, which he felt weird about doing despite the necessity to do so, and looked up from the boat at the land; he saw a massive beach with about a couple dozen people occupying it. Rachel also recalled her pokemon, but much to Jeff’s dismay, Kevin still had Blitz out.

    The boat road into the beachside dock and Mr. Briney let down the anchor.

    “Thanks for the ride, I promise I’ll pay you back someday,” called down Jeff.

    “Oh, don’t worry about it!” the sea captain answered.

    “I insist!”

    Jeff then followed the others off of the boat and onto the deck, keeping a good ways away from his Scyther acquaintance.

    As they walked from the pier to the sandy beach, Jeff muttered, “Note to self: throw out all red clothes.”
    Last edited by Griff4815; 25th June 2008 at 9:10 PM.
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  4. #229
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    yatta! Atarashi no chapter!

    Gonna copy and paste then read through.

    Be back in a sec with the review!

    Rachel stepped in. “Okay, okay. Both of you! How about, Kevin, you and Blitz stay on the back end of the ship and Jeff stays on the front end of the ship?”
    “Talk about holding a grudge…” muttered Jeff to no one in particular.


    Like he's one to talk...

    “Oh shi…” he murmured in terror.

    “What is it, Chanandaler?” asked the other man, placing a toothpick in his mouth. The Gyarados also looked down.

    "Stop calling me that and just look, Joey, you idiot!" the guy whispered harshly.

    The man named Joey looked carefully at the boat. His mouth gaped and his toothpick fell out of his mouth.

    The other man looked at him. “… You don’t know what I’m looking at, do you?”

    “Not a clue,” he said, putting another toothpick in his mouth.

    “LOOK… ON… THE… BOAT…” he said, becoming more and more nervous.

    Joey looked on the boat carefully this time and his jaw hung open with his second toothpick dropping out of his mouth.

    “Oh, sweet merciful crap,” exclaimed Joey. “Okay, nothing to see here! Move along!” he said to the boat occupants. “This was all just a joke! This never happened! You saw nothing! We are just figments of your collective imaginations!”

    The Gyarados rubbed his face with his tail fin in embarrassment. The two men quickly turned around on their jet skis and sped off, followed by their massive pokemon.

    The man who was poorly nicknamed ‘Chanadaler’ hit Joey on the back of the head. “You idiot! If he finds out about this we are in such deep sh*t! This was your dumb idea!”

    “Relax, they think we’re figments of their collective imaginations!”

    Back on the boat, everyone was looking at each other confused.

    “Well, that was weird,” said a bewildered Jeff.
    Ultra understatement...

    So, I'm with MM on this one. It was shorter than usual. What intrigues me the most are what caused Blitz to attack Jeff (from Blitz's point of view) and if Jeff will acquire any new pokemon, and if he does, will there be any without some serious issues?!

    All, in all, this was the short and sweet type of chapter. Highly enjoyable.

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 26th June 2008 at 2:59 AM.
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  5. #230
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    Umm...that was fast? Unfortuneatly with the quickness of posting a new chapter, it seemed to me quality suffered.

    The entire chapter (which was shorter than average, even shorter than my chapters), seemed to be just dialogue.. It lacked description and flow and just seemd overall rushed. The description that was involved was clumped together and relatvely listy. It just didn't seem like the Griffy that I've been reviewing all this time.

    Now I may be completely wrong, and other, more experienced writers like DP479 may think the exact opposite, in which case, disregard this review.

    You still gotta love Treecko and Corpfish though...

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

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    Its menacing, gaping mouth let out a ferocious roar.
    Now, I really don't mind chapters that are mostly dialogue (an upcoming chapter of mine will be almost completely dialogue as well), but for all the possible character conflicts that were hinted on (Blitz and Jeff, Dae and Jeff, and Treecko and Jeff), none were really fleshed out all that much. It was like Jeff and the feuding party would exchange a few words, then turn their backs to each other and walk away. These scenes could have been expanded upon with more reactions, whether physical, verbal, or the thoughts of the parties involved.

    Length notwithstanding (which I usually don't pay attention to anyway), not much happened this chapter, either in the way of plot or character development. Coming into the chapter, we already know of the tension between Blitz and Jeff (and there should have been much more hatred on the part of Jeff IMO) and between Dae and Jeff. And since Treeck already apologized to Corppy...

    The attack by the "dudes in blue who are probably Team Aqua but I'm not going to say they definitely are of Team Aqua yet (TM)" was strange to say the least. Whether this is a major plot point remains to be seen, but...
    “Relax, they think we’re figments of their collective imaginations!”
    I really hope they're not *this* stupid...

    The idea of making this a filler chapter wasn't a bad idea in and of itself, but filler chapters are usually a vehicle for character development, and the conflict scenes were really too rushed to give a sense of characters actually being developed...

  7. #232
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    All very true. There's really not too much I could do with the boat scene. Not really the right environment for character development at that particular point in time.

    The random Team Aqua attack was a bit of a plot point, and don't worry, they're not all that stupid.
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    Please say so if you still want to be on the PM list, because I don't know who is still reading this and who has faded into obscurity.

    Chapter...18?

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cutting to the Chase

    Jeff, Kevin, Rachel, and Blitz walked and flew respectively off of the pier and into the sand. The sea wind blew the grainy particles at them as they scanned the beach looking at the occupants. Jeff and Kevin couldn’t help but gawk at a couple of sunbathing girls of their age, but the two quickly turned before Rachel could stop them, though.

    “<Kevin! Are you ogling that human girl?>” Blitz asked intrigued.

    “Gih!!” he stammered, a bit of blood rushing to his head. Kevin then lunged at Blitz and clamped his green snout shut with his hands, despite the fact that Rachel couldn’t understand Blitz. Jeff couldn’t help but chuckle.

    “Shut up! You thought she was hot, too!” Kevin remarked, referring to the girl he was looking at.

    “Yeah, so?” answered Jeff.

    Kevin shook his head dismissively and let go of Blitz’s mouth. “Now Jeff, no getting into fights with local gym leaders, okay?” he said in a purposefully condescending tone.

    Jeff suddenly remembered something very important. He began to dig through the pockets of his red shorts.

    “Lucky for you, there’s no gym leaders in this town, huh?” said Kevin with a grin. “… What’s up?”

    Jeff pulled a pokeball from his pocket and quickly aimed it to a deserted part of the beach. A red laser shot out to that area and Atlas appeared in the sand, still unconscious.

    “Atlas…” Jeff said, running over to the giant, beaten up rock serpent. “I completely forgot about him.”

    He put a hand on his rocky head and began to look in his bag for strong potions. Just then, Atlas’ eye winced. He was lying in such a way that the gash on his face was in the slightly wet sand. His gray eyes shot open and he immediately reared with a massive roar, knocking Jeff backwards. Many people and pokemon on the beach looked up, some backing off and some getting ready to fight, just in case. Atlas snarled and grunted heavily, but he managed to keep himself from thrashing around.

    “Atlas! What’s wrong?!” Jeff asked as a small wave crashed into him.

    The rock snake ignored him and his teeth were clenched. “<Where is Prometheus?!>”

    “Wh-who?!” asked Jeff, becoming a little frightened.

    “<Prometheus! Where is he?!>” Atlas roared.

    Jeff had never seen Atlas like this. What was wrong with him and what happened to the docile, gentle Atlas that he had remembered from before he was sent to jail? The teen, becoming actually scared for his life, backed further into the water.

    “I- I don’t know what you’re talking about… Atlas… what’s wrong with y-you?”

    “<Tell me!!!>”

    Rachel whispered to Kevin. “What are they talking about?”

    Kevin answered, “I don’t really know…”

    “I mean what are they saying? You can understand pokemon, right?”

    “Later,” retorted Kevin, stoically watching.

    The Onix breathed heavily, so much that Jeff could feel the warm, humid air blowing back his hair. A couple trainers and their pokemon closed towards the Onix, warily. Kevin put his arm in front of Blitz, making sure he didn’t attack him. With his other arm, Kevin took something out of his pocket.

    “You, Atlas!” Kevin yelled out. Atlas turned his wincing head from Jeff and looked down at him. “I’ll tell you where your friend is!”

    He gestured at many of the trainers to move. Kevin threw out a pokeball and a second unconscious Onix materialized in the sand. Jeff was shocked.

    “Kevin caught an Onix?” Jeff asked himself, still wide-eyed.

    Kevin then promptly returned the KO’d Onix. Atlas grunted and nodded. Jeff stood up in the surf and walked towards the pokemon. “J-just calm down Atlas… O-okay?”

    Atlas then began to lose consciousness and fall towards Kevin, who stepped back. The rock serpent fell quickly under his own massive weight.

    “Timber?” Kevin squeaked, fearfully.

    He prepared to attempt to dive out of the way, although he was pretty sure he wouldn’t clear it in time. The teen then felt himself being winded, as he landed on his back in the sand as he heard a massive crash and a wave of sand fall on top of him. Kevin opened his eyes to find Blitz lying on top of him, looking down on him with a smug look. He looked at his feet to see that they were just inches from being crushed by the now unconscious pokemon. The Scyther stood up and extended his scythe.

    “Thanks pal. I owe you one but did you have to cut my shirt?” he said, grinning and taking his scythe to get to his feet.

    “<You owe me nothing. We are even now. You have saved me before, do you remember?>”

    Kevin bit his lip and nodded.

    “Are you okay, Kevin?” asked Rachel. Kevin silently repeated the gesture. “What did Blitz say?” she asked with some frustration.

    Off in his own world, Kevin ignored her. Meanwhile, Jeff recalled Atlas to his pokeball and walked over to Kevin and Rachel, who was still very apprehensive.

    All three stood there rather uncomfortably. “Maybe we should go to the pokemon centre,” suggested Kevin.

    Kevin, out of nowhere, pulled out Blitz’s pokeball and recalled him before beginning to lead the way to the pokemon centre. He stared ponderously at the sand and he began to be more drawn into his thoughts, as did his hearing.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Damn it,” cursed Kevin

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Kevin had been living in Littleroot Town for six years with his mother and he still managed to get lost in the forest of Route 101 between Littleroot Town and Oldale Town.

    “I SWEAR I’ve seen this tree before!” he said to himself while kicking a mossy tree in the middle of the dense forest. Kevin put his hands in his tan shorts pocket before making his way over some old logs and fallen branches.

    After four minutes of walking, Kevin stopped and scratched his head. “Okay, Kevin. Just keep walking straight and you’ll come across something eventually.”

    While walking, Kevin noticed that the forest became deeper and more isolated. He stopped and leaned against a tree.

    “Okay, Kev, you’re not lost. You’re in Route 101… I think… just keep-” Just then, Kevin heard sounds coming from further on in the forest ahead of him. It sounded like the muffled shouting. He then thought he heard a higher cry and the clicking of metal.

    “What the hell is-”

    PKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!

    A gunshot rung out threw the forest and Kevin immediately hit the dirt and put his hands on his head.

    “Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t. A gunshot! Someone’s shooting at me. Sh*t!” he babbled to himself in fear.

    He waited a minute, not moving an inch. He heard more shouting and came to the conclusion that he wasn’t the target. Dirt and sweat now staining his blue shirt, Kevin crawled forward in the underbrush very carefully and stopped when he reached a clearing about fifty meters ahead. The teen peered through a large strawberry bush.

    In the left of the clearing he saw a one story white house with a large crop field outside of it. Outside of the house Kevin saw a gruff-looking farmer in the traditional pale overalls and straw hat sporting a hunting rifle. Kevin concluded that the farmer looked ‘considerably p*ssed’.

    The teen looked to see what he was shooting at. A medium range away was a green mantis pokemon. It was down on one its right knee and it was clutching its left shin, where Kevin made out bright green blood seeping from a bullet hole the size of a large almond.

    The farmer cocked the bolt of the rifle, inserting a new bullet into the chamber. He took aim on the Scyther.

    “Oh sh*t. He’s gonna shoot him dead!” sputtered Kevin to himself.

    “Say yer’ prayers, you dirty thief,” said the farmer to the Scyther. The Scyther just winced and stared at the man, ready to face his end.

    Kevin fearfully stood up and immediately regretted what he was about to do. He ran out into the field.

    “Stop it! Stop! What the hell are you doing?!” he yelled, running towards the two.

    Both of the two turned in surprise. The farmer turned the gun and aimed it at Kevin.

    “What th’ hell y’all doin’?!” he asked threateningly.

    Upon seeing the gun pointed at him, he skidded to a halt, froze in his place and raised his hands up. “Easy! Easy there! Just don’t shoot us!” He began to slowly edge sideways towards near the Scyther without moving any closer to the man or the gun.

    “Please!” Kevin begged, traversing next to the Scyther. He whispered to the wounded pokemon. “If you want to live, f-follow along.”

    “Explain y’self!” he ordered.

    “Okay okay! Just please don’t kill him! He’s my friend! We got lost in the forest and he left while I was resting to go and find help!”

    “I caught’im red handed stealin’ me crops!” the farmer sharply exclaimed.

    “I’m really sorry. It’s just we haven’t eaten in three days and he was worried about me so he wanted to get me some food. Right…’pal’?” Kevin asked the Scyther, his heart beating a million times a second.

    The mantis pokemon was sceptical and frankly shocked at the human helping him, but he nodded.

    The farmer slowly lowered his rifle. “Fine… y’can each have ONE carrot, but then get the hell offa my land before I change me mind aboot the two af ya!”

    Kevin sighed the deepest sigh of relief and he looked at the wounded Scyther and nodded. Without the Scyther’s say so, but without its resistance either, Kevin put the mantis’ arm around his shoulder and helped him limp off the property. They walked in the opposite direction of the way Kevin came.

    The bug pokemon winced and eyed the blond haired human in surprise while they struggled to leave the clearing and Kevin helped him sit down. The teen swung around his backpack and took out an aid kit while he was leered at by the Scyther, who was still confused as to why this strange human helped him.

    “Okay, I’m going to bandage that wound so don’t friggin’ slice me in half,” Kevin said, frankly still terrified and in a state of shock.

    “<Why did you do that?>” asked the Scyther.

    “Why did I help you? Well I-” Kevin began to say, before the realization sunk in and his eyes widened. “HOLY SH*T! YOU CAN FRIGGIN’ SPEAK ENGLISH?!!” he yelled, bolting his head up to face the Scyther.

    “<No, I cannot. I am speaking as I have always spoken. Why did you save my life, hu-errr-man?>” he asked, wincing as Kevin dropped the bandage on his wound in shock.

    The teenager stared at the bug pokemon for a long moment, while he patiently waited his answer.

    “<Well?>” he asked, interrupting Kevin’s awe.

    “I- I- uhh… What was the question?” he asked, shaking himself back into reality.

    “<Why did you… save… me from death?>” he questioned uncomfortably.

    Kevin began to apply the bandage again on the hole leaking light green blood. “It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, I’m not really sure. I just- I don’t usually do anything THAT foolhardy…” Kevin looked up at the pokemon. That wasn’t the answer the mantis had been looking for. He stopped bandaging the wound and thought. Kevin remembered the gun. “I… The gu… It was the right thing to do,” he finished and began to tie the bandage.

    “<I owe you my life,>” he said to him.

    Kevin shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

    “<No, it is not ‘nothing’,>” he said. “<Are you travelling the lands?>”

    Kevin stalled. “Not right now…” He then remembered Jeff and his other friends taking off on pokemon journeys. “…But I might be soon.”

    The Scyther stood up with a cringe. “<Then I shall journey with you.>”

    Now Kevin was the one confused. “Why would you want to travel with me?”

    The Scyther looked down at his wounded leg. “<Because it is the right thing to do…>”

    Kevin stalled but then grinned and nodded, standing up. “What’s your name?”

    “<My friends call me by the name of ‘Blitz’. So you may call me Blitz, human. What may I call you?>”

    “‘Kevin’s the name. Nice to meet you, Blitz.” He held out his hand. Blitz examined his hand, confused. The Scyther then caught on and shook it with his scythe.

    Kevin let out a high, quivery sound of pain. He withdrew his hand, which had a large, opening cut on it from the scythe. He held his bloody palm to his shirt and grinned sheepishly.

    “<I am sorry, Kevin. Here, take my bandage!>” he said, insisting Kevin to take the bandage on his leg.

    “Don’t worry about it, pal. We’ll just have to work on your handshake a little,” he said, smirking. Kevin then put Blitz’s arm around his shoulder and helped him walk through the forest. “We have to get you to a pokemon centre… Do you know where the nearest town is?”

    “<It is that way. It will take awhile, but you need not worry, I am doing just fine.>”

    “We’ll see what the doctors have to say about that.” Kevin walked west with his new mantis friend.

    About an hour later, the sun had set and the stars were out. Kevin and Blitz had made it to the town of Oldale. The humble town had a few streetlights lit, guiding the way to the centre. Kevin and Blitz stumbled in the automatic doors, where Blitz was promptly helped onto a stretcher by pink Chanseys. The Scyther nodded at Kevin before disappearing through the back room.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “<I owe you, Kevin.>”

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Kevin shook his head and snapped out of his thoughts to see Jeff looking at him.

    “I said I owe you one, Kevin… Atlas went… I dunno… nuts,” Jeff said.

    “Oh, uh, yeah. Don’t worry about it,” answered Kevin, solemnly.

    Jeff looked at him curiously. “…Anything up?”

    Kevin looked at him. “Yeah. The sun and sky, *******.”

    The brown-haired teen wasn’t completely satisfied with his smartass quip, but he shrugged his behaviour off. Rachel rolled her eyes at Kevin as they walked from the beach onto the streets.

    “Should I rent us a hotel room?” she asked them.

    Kevin shook his head. “Don’t bother. We’re not going to stay here very long, right Jeff?”

    Jeff shrugged and looked at the city around him.

    “Fine. Well I’m going to go check out the market while you two go to the pokemon centre, okay?” she told them.

    Kevin nodded, but spun around after a moment. “DON’T YOU SPEND ANY OF MY MONEY! YOU STILL OWE ME!” he yelled after her.

    Rachel walked off and the duo went into the red and white building in the center of the large tourist town. The centre was quite large on the inside. Kevin and Jeff walked over the red and white tiles, past several humans and pokemon, and up to the counter. They both held out a pokeball as they looked around the primarily red-coloured building interior.

    “Can you heal this Onix?” Kevin asked Nurse Joy. She smiled and took the pokeball.

    “What about you, sir?” she asked Jeff.

    “Uhh… I think there’s something wrong with my Onix… and I’m not sure if just a machine will fix it…” he explained.

    She nodded. “Well we’ll go a little bit outside of town once I’m done with your friend and then we’ll see what’s wrong.”

    Jeff nodded and shuffled in his place while waiting. After a few minutes, Nurse Joy handed Prometheus’ pokeball to Kevin and she led them outside. They followed her north up a road until they were on the path leading out of town.

    “Okay, this should be enough room,” she decreed.

    Jeff nodded and released the unconscious Onix in the side of the path.

    “He’s usually really gentle and nice, but when I sent him out on the beach this morning he went nuts. It was like he was a whole other Onix.”

    She inspected the pokemon’s rocky head. “Luckily that’s not the case…”

    “Do you know what’s wrong?” Jeff asked in concern.

    She remained silent and looked at the deep gash in his face. “It’s this…”

    “That scar? He’s had that the entire time I’ve known him and he hasn’t acted strangely…” commented Jeff.

    “It’s deep…” she mumbled to herself. “I’ll be right back.” She then stood up and walked back to the pokemon centre.

    The two stood and waited until they could see her coming back with a device in her hand. It had a handle and had two lights on the bulk of the device.

    “What’s that?” Jeff asked as she walked by him and over Atlas’s face.

    She held the machine and went over the gash like she was scanning it. The machine started beeping rapidly and a red light on the device flashed. Nurse Joy put down the device and sighed.

    “It’s like I thought. This gash is coated with traces of iron. It’s preventing the scar from healing.”

    “Iron?” Jeff asked. “Does that mean he’ll evolve?”

    Nurse Joy shook her head. “There’s not enough of it. Tell me, did he sustain this in a battle?”

    Jeff shrugged. “He had it when I met him. I think he got it from a fight when he was in his Onix clan…”

    Kevin interjected, “I heard a police dude say something about there being a pretty nasty Steelix in that clan.”

    “I see… It looks like the iron is so deep that it hit a nerve in his head. Is he very physically sensitive when it comes to his scar?”

    Jeff thought back. He remembered earlier that Atlas’ gash was in the wet sand when he went berserk earlier. “…I think so.”

    “The iron seems to be reacting with a reagent in his body and it is causing some bad side effects… especially around his nerves. It may prevent him from evolving as well,” she explained, displeased.

    “And that’s… bad…” Jeff said, already knowing the answer. She nodded. “Is there anything I can do? … And is it… fatal?”

    “I don’t think that this will be fatal… just very very painful for him.”

    Jeff’s shoulders slumped. “But is there anything I can do?”

    She shook her head. “I don’t think so… I’m sorry. I can prescribe paralyze heal. Give it to him whenever he feels intense pain and it should loosen up his nerves a little and help to ease the pain.”

    Jeff became rather downcast. “Thanks… let’s go get that, then.”

    Nurse Joy gave some revival medicine to Atlas and then motioned to Jeff to recall him, which he did. They then walked from the path back to the pokemon center. The three passed some buildings and then walked into the pokemon center. Nurse Joy disappeared through the ‘employees only’ and came back moments later with four paralyze heals.

    “This should be good until you reach the next town. Be sure to keep him out of battles, okay?”

    Jeff nodded and placed the medicine in his bag. “Thank you and I will.”

    “Oh, and if you’re going to Mauville, you’ll want to rent some bicycles from the bike shop.”

    He then turned around and Kevin gave him a reassuring punch on the arm.

    “He’ll be fine… He’s a big guy…”

    “Yeah… I guess so,” said Jeff, opening the door of the pokemon center.

    The two walked under the sunlight towards the open-air market in an attempt to find Rachel, pushing through a crowd of people as they went. They spotted Rachel a few shops down, holding about three gift bags and a hand full of cash, about to make a transaction.

    “…Do you have any money?” Kevin asked Jeff.

    Jeff shook his head. “I’m about out.”

    Both looked at each other before simultaneously shoving through the crowd.

    “RACHEL, NO! WE NEED THAT FOR BIKES!!!” Kevin screamed while accidentally kneeing a kid in the gut as they made their way through. Kevin grabbed her arm before the transaction could be made.

    “What are you doing?” she asked, confused.

    He plucked the money from her hand and put it in his pocket. “I’m making sure we don’t have to take the long, overgrown grass route to Mauville! We need this money to rent bikes.”

    “Well you could have just said so,” she explained. “Oh yeah! I got you both hats!”

    “Really?” Jeff and Kevin asked enthusiastically and with irritation, respectively.

    She took out two green baseball caps with darker green visors, which had purple rimming and a large, stylized purple ‘A’ on the front. The ‘A’ had an arrow-like tail coming from the right leg.

    “Awesome! I love the Petalburg Aerodactyls!” he enthusiastically said putting on the hat. “Thanks, Rachel!”

    “Eh, speak for yourself,” grumbled Kevin with a shrug. “And I believe you mean, ‘Thanks, Kevin! I couldn’t spot a good baseball team if my life depended on it!’”

    “You’re just mad because they made it to the semi finals and the Sootopolis Sharpedos didn’t make it to past the quarters,” retorted Jeff.

    “Whatever. I’m gonna go return his hat for money so I can use it for something USEFUL like a potion or tassles for our bikes…” He then walked to stand and began to return it.

    Jeff grinned sheepishly and shrugged at Rachel. “…He –uhhh- really likes the Sharpedos…” Jeff said, feeling the need to apologize.

    He began to fiddle with the visor of his new hat as Kevin came back. Kevin shoved his way in front of them.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Come on, let’s go.”

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “<I am, Kevin. It is hard to walk with my leg at this moment,>” Blitz said as Kevin helped him walk and make their way down the beaten path from Oldale Town to Littleroot Town.

    “Complaining about it won’t make it stop hurting,” Kevin told him, looking down at Blitz’s bandaged wound which was professionally attended to at the Oldale pokemon centre.

    “<I am not complaining!>” Blitz retorted defensively. “<I was simply stating the fact of why I cannot walk as fast as you would like!>”

    “Riiiight. Why don’t you fly? You’ve got wings,” Kevin pointed out.

    Blitz shook his head, his snout almost hitting Kevin in the face. “<I am perfectly able to walk!>”

    “Okay okay. I believe you, jeez.” Kevin adjusted Blitz’s scythe on his shoulder and they continued to walk down the dirt path. “Just up ahead is town. First stop is Prof. Birch’s lab!”

    “<Who is Prof. Birch, and what is this lab you speak of?>” asked Blitz curiously.

    “You’ll see, pal,” Kevin told him as they walked onto the asphalt of Littleroot Town. Kevin and Blitz turned left to the nearest massive building, which was next to acres of land reserved for trainer’s stored pokemon to roam about. There was a small mountain at the far end of the land, as well as some lakes for water pokemon to inhabit.

    “<That place is very beautiful,>” remarked Blitz.

    “I guess.” Kevin shrugged and the two went through the glass doors of the laboratory.

    The brown haired and bearded Professor Birch was talking to one of his assistants, before looking up at the duo.

    “Kevin?” he asked, slightly confused.

    “Hey, Prof!” Kevin greeted.

    Professor Birch sceptically looked at the Scyther being supported by Kevin. “Who’s that?”

    “This here is Blitz. I saved him from an angry redneck,” explained the teen with a grin.

    Blitz insecurely butted in, “<He did not save me in the sense that he says, Kevin merely helped out a little!>”

    “If you say so, pal,” Kevin said, rolling his eyes.

    Professor Birch grinned and looked at the two. “So what can I do for you?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

    “We’re going to be travelling, so can I have a pokedex please?” the teen asked.

    “This is a joke, right?” asked the professor, still smirking.

    Kevin and Blitz looked at each other, confused. “Uhh… no. Why would it be?”

    The smile disappeared from his face.

    “Uhh… have you talked to your par-” The professor stalled and mentally slapped himself. “…Your mom about going on a journey?” he asked, sceptically.

    “No, I’m going to tell her as soon as I get my pokedex,” assured Kevin.

    “… Right…What about your starter pokemon?”

    “That’s going to be Blitz!” Kevin answered.

    “Uhhh… I see… Can you and I have a word in private for a moment?” the professor asked.

    Kevin looked at Blitz, who nodded in reassurance that he was fine to stand alone. He walked over to Professor Birch.

    “What’s up, Prof?”

    “Kevin… Do you remember the lesson we had on larger bug pokemon?”

    Kevin stalled, knowing he fell asleep that class. “Uhh… I had a really rough sleep that night, so I-”

    Birch cut him off. “Were you awake for the part about Scythers?”

    Kevin had a sheepish smile on his face as he scratched the back of his head.

    “Okay, I’ll sum it up for you. Scythers tend to be very aggressive and very proud… especially ones straight out of the wild. When they see red they naturally go into a frenzy. If you recall, your friend Jeff was almost killed by a Scyther,” explained Professor Birch.

    “Well all due respect, but Jeff’s an idiot. He probably went and kicked one in the face while it was sleeping.”

    “Perhaps… Jeff has made some less than bright decisions in the past… regardless, he said that it was because he wore a red shirt that day. What I’m trying to say is that travelling with that Scyther is… well it could be very dangerous. For all you know he could attack you. Now wouldn’t you rather have something a little tamer like a Mudkip… or Torchic? I have both!” urged Birch in a way similar to a used car salesman.

    “Scyyyyyy,” sighed a voice coming from behind them. Blitz was looking somewhat uncomfortable and it was fairly obvious he heard the whole thing.

    Professor Birch grew red in the face. “Why does that always happen?” he muttered to himself. He then urged Kevin to farther away to where Blitz wouldn’t hear them.

    “He’s not gonna do anything to me. I saved him,” reassured Kevin. “He feels like he owes me.”

    “So what do you think he is going to do once he feels like he has paid you back? Do you really think that a Scyther will stay around and travel with some human who he might consider inferior?” asked Professor Birch.

    Kevin stayed silent and dwelled on that.

    “Look, I’m not going to stop you from going, I just don’t want you to end up in over your head.”

    Kevin looked back at Blitz and then answered, “I’ll be fine.”

    Birch sighed. “At least don’t wear red… I CAN’T emphasize that enough!”

    The teen smiled and nodded. “Can I have my pokedex and pokeballs now?”

    Professor Birch walked over to his desk and pulled out the items before handing them to Kevin.

    “Thanks, Professor Birch.”

    Kevin began to turn around. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said.

    The teen nodded and walked back to Blitz, who he helped walk outside.

    Once they were outside, Blitz spoke up, somewhat embarrassed. “<Kevin… I would not attack you…>”

    “I know, pal. Professor Birch doesn’t know what he’s talking about…” he said, not entirely convinced of his own statement. “I’ll take you back to my place and we’ll wait a few days before leaving, okay? Hopefully your leg will be better by then. You can sleep in the guest bed.”

    “<Very well, Kevin.>”

    With that, Kevin and a limping Blitz walked down the road back to his house. The teen looked at the Scyther and sighed uneasily. He hoped that what he feared would not happen again.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 6th July 2008 at 3:36 PM.
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  9. #234
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    Well, I've still been reading, just not replying. The flow of this chapter was a bit off I thought, but that's usually the trouble between switching the scene of the story in the middle of it. It explained the past nicely, but seems like the part of the chapter in the present was overshadowed by the flashback.

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    Well, I've still been reading, just not replying. The flow of this chapter was a bit off I thought, but that's usually the trouble between switching the scene of the story in the middle of it. It explained the past nicely, but seems like the part of the chapter in the present was overshadowed by the flashback.

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  11. #236
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    Sorry I didn't reply to the last chapter. I found the last chapter [retty fillery, but I liked this chapter. I feel bad for Atlas, and Kevin has Prometheus. And not being able to evolve into Steelix? That might be a problem...

    Well, goodchapter, and see ya next one!

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  12. #237
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    Griffy, you seem to be rushing. I thought this one was much better than the last, but still....it had a lot of the same problems.

    The beginning was mostly dialogue with the occasional listy description paragraph. It started to pick up right about here:
    Kevin had been living in Littleroot Town for six years with his mother and he still managed to get lost in the forest of Route 101 between Littleroot Town and Oldale Town.

    “I SWEAR I’ve seen this tree before!” he said to himself while kicking a mossy tree in the middle of the dense forest. Kevin put his hands in his tan shorts pocket before making his way over some old logs and fallen branches.

    After four minutes of walking, Kevin stopped and scratched his head. “Okay, Kevin. Just keep walking straight and you’ll come across something eventually.”

    While walking, Kevin noticed that the forest became deeper and more isolated. He stopped and leaned against a tree.
    At this part is where you really got me intrested, and I saw some shreds of your former writing. I think your on the right path, but this chapter was far from perfect. Slow it down maybe? I want the old Griffy back!

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    It's a tough job getting back up on the horse. I'm taking it one step at a time, though.

    It's nice to see it's improving, though.
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  14. #239
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    Well-y, welly, welly, well Another day, another chapter.

    Let's do it!
    Yo, Atlas!” Kevin yelled out. Atlas turned his wincing head from Jeff and looked down at him. “I’ll tell you where your friend is!”
    I may be wrong, but i think that's how you wanted that part to look.

    I caught ’im red handed stealin’ me crops!
    just very, very painful for him
    Nice insight on the relationship between Blitz and Kevin and a rather unique way of explaining Atlas's rage issues. One can only wonder how the giant rock snake will respond to life in exile with a friend that let him down when he needed him the most.

    Well, i'm beat right about now and am going to... Zzzzzzzz

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    I haven't been dutiful for how long now? I have some notes on Exile part 1 left over, so I'll quote them as an appendix and proceed to the next chapters.

    I see the difference and perhaps partition between your two styles, but I don't see which part was written by diamondpearl and which by yourself. At a guess, I would say the first part was diamondpearl's. Interestingly, you have relatively few typographical errors compared to her. (Grawp, this feels like talking behind her back.) Here is a comprehensive list of errors I picked up:

    More importantly, it was impossible to reach Atlas or Treecko; he wasn’t as worried about the others, since they were left with Kevin and Rachel as he was led to this wretched place in handcuffs. He managed to tell Kevin to retrieve Treecko for him in order to tell him of the situation.
    Since this is a point of reflection in past tense looking at a point further in the past, "had been" would suit it better.

    What kinds of people had actually slept in this place? Criminals, convicts, and other things that Jeff believed he shouldn‘t be called. . . He definitely didn’t belong here, although people probably now presumed that he was; the thought caused a sickening feeling in his stomach. Jeff could sense the hatred and the wanting for revenge in the room, which unwittingly brought up another question: what exactly had these people thought when they were stuck in this dreadful place?
    Since you're referring to him "belonging here", "did" will suit this sentnce better.

    He took a deep breath and refused to think about everyone who had been apart of him being sent to the station. He walked over to the most appealing part of the room, which was undoubtedly the window.
    "a part", I believe, is the correct word. "Apart" means something else entirely.

    They began walking towards there destination, careful to pay attention to Atlas and where they were stepping at the same time. Atlas hesitated for a moment, unsure of what he wanted his next actions to be.
    "their"

    As they were making progress towards their destination, Atlas couldn’t help but feel intimidated with all the eyes set upon him. All the infuriated faces were things he were use to from the past, and didn’t want to witness them anymore. Atlas tried to distract himself by looking towards the humans.
    "used"

    Atlas had originally thought that maybe admitting his wrong doings would clear his conscious and end the whole thing for good, but it turned out things were getting even more complicated.
    "conscience"

    The other Onix whispered something inaudible to Atlas, and soon after he could feel himself ram into the ground. He was being dragged away from the clearing, away from the fallen tree that had taken him as a temporary prisoner, and from the guards had made a vain attempt at trying to get rid of Prometheus.
    I believe "who" is required between the two words.

    “<You’re not thinking of attacking me again, are you? Don’t you remember how that turned out last time?>” Cronus jeered, gesturing at the scar on Atlas’s face.
    Could a steelix really gesture well at all?

    When they reached his cell, Jeff was found staring out the window. He wasn’t immobile, but he might as well of been; he looked as if he had no intentions on leaving his current position.
    The phonetic similarity of "have" and "of", especially in this sort of context, causes some confusion between the two. Here "have" fits more easily.

    The teen still didn’t expect Treecko to comply with such a demand. Kevin swiftly pulled out Ace’s pokeball and returned the Squirtle, but he hesitated when bringing out Treecko’s pokeball which he had swiped from Jeff’s backpack before the police took it. With a closer inspection of the pokeball, it was collecting dust on the red and white exterior.
    The way this sentence is worded causes the sentence to make "a closer inspection of the pokéball" a helping action of the pokéball itself, rather than an action of the observer. Since the pokéball does not closely inspect itself, you would do well to write "...of the pokéball, one could see that it was collecting dust..." instead.

    Atlas and Prometheus attempted to fight off the rest of the horde, but were overpowered and tackled to the ground. Soon they were underneath a massive dogpile and were knocked out from the pressure.
    This part seems somewhat rushed; I don't suppose it is a matter of under-describing, as you have devoted a few paragraphs prior to this. I suppose the threefold repetition of "were" makes it sound very lifeless. You could expand it a little: "onix upon onix settled on them, and the pressure grew harder and harder to bear, until they lost consciousness" kind of thing, and probably do well to clear out the framing of the sentence with its many "were"s and passive voice.

    Jeff rubbed the back of his head and nodded. The guard pet his Growlithe who was watchfully sitting beside him and motioned to Jeff that he could go. The teen turned around and saw Rachel come through the front door of the station.

    “Hey, Jeff. They told me you’d be getting out around now,” explained Rachel as she entered the building with her Pidgey on her shoulder.
    At the end of the first paragraph you describe Rachel entering the building, and then shortly afterwards once again emphasize on that. It seems fairly repetitive, and a little unnecessary. Perhaps writing simply Rachel's line with a customary "she said" would work?

    “<AHH! I’M BLINDED!>” Corphish cried. “<ALL I CAN SEE IS A HORRIBLE ARRAY OF SAND!>” Daedalus, who blocked the sand with his wing, looked down at Corphish to see him lying face down in the beach. The Taillow pulled Corphish’s head out of the ground by lifting his horns with talons. Corphish chuckled embarrassedly and Dae then whacked him of the back of the head.
    "Array" isn't quite the correct word here. An array is an arrangement of the subject items in a deliberate orderly fashion. Try wall or cover, or something? You could simply remove the "a horrible array of" entirely.

    Jeff, Kevin, Rachel, and Blitz walked and flew respectively off of the pier and into the sand. The sea wind blew the grainy particles at them as they scanned the beach looking at the occupants. Jeff and Kevin couldn’t help but gawk at a couple of sunbathing girls of their age, but the two quickly turned before Rachel could stop them, though.
    The 'though' is unnecessary.

    “<I am, Kevin. It is hard to walk with my leg at this moment,>” Blitz said as Kevin helped him walk and make their way down the beaten path from Oldale Town to Littleroot Town.
    As he cannot help one person make their way for both of them, 'made' would fit better.

    All right. One issue I've seen in these recent chapters, and probably earlier ones, is your tendency for listy narration and description (as is also pointed out by a few other members). I note that you often spend a lot of time on actions and details which are entirely physical, indicate nothing, and in the end serve only as filler. It's important to remember that while creating a vivid picture in the reader's mind is one thing, the most comprehensive physical details will pass over the reader unless they are either very remarkable or backed by some sort of idea. Note that when reading, say, a large account of the exact physical features of a Mightyena, one is compelled to overlook the entire thing; it seems like a customary duty done only to fill the quota for description--but if these very details are narrated for the purposes of (eg.) proving that the Mightyena is large and fearsome, and if one selects precisely those details which support this, and uses the appropriate adjectives and statements, one manages at the least to create a more distinct memory of terror, which is often backed by quite a few clear physical details (effectively serving the purpose). Ideas are better handled while reading than objects and their features.

    Well; to cut the lecture short, take care not to include details about events or objects without a clear meaning in mind for them. If something is unnecessary and can be implied with less bother, feel free to do so.

    Well. Quite a lot of new developments here. I have to say I never expected the cause for Atlas' rampage (did I consider some sort of mind-altering substance in my prior speculations--I can't remember), though it seems to make good sense. Suddenly Jeff, young trainer as he already is, has a much harder path before him; his pokémon have been difficult to manage, but an unstable giant prone to sudden transports of rage--and, which is perhaps the worst part, almost certain fits of remorse soon afterwards--is something else. Their state looks grim.

    On the other hand, it appears Treecko has grown a little, and Jeff had a bit more time to consider their friendship. It seems to me that the worst has already passed; Treecko's prior sort of mentality will no longer appeal to him; serious conflict has came and gone, and no one intends te folly of bringing it back. Concerning Daedalus: his grudge looks like it's going to stay, but he could very well represent Jeff's conscience, and possibly restrain him a bit more effectively in situations like the battle for the second badge. I think he's too good-natured and mature to cause as much problems as Treecko. Excuse all misinterpretations.

    Well, good to have this back; good to be back. I do so enjoy this kind of fiction.

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    Hey Griff, I finally finished catching p on your fic. Great job with almost no grammar mistakes. Great characters and excellent plot. Keep it up!
    -Credit to Gladeshadow

    Credit to Riversong-
    The SPC will come back one day...

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    very well done griff, i haven't been able to connect to serebii much since so many users are already on when i try to connect.

    interesting plot, i can't tell what happens next, i hope that maybe i'll figure out some and nice history flash back on kevni

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    I haven't been dutiful for how long now? I have some notes on Exile part 1 left over, so I'll quote them as an appendix and proceed to the next chapters.






    This part seems somewhat rushed; I don't suppose it is a matter of under-describing, as you have devoted a few paragraphs prior to this. I suppose the threefold repetition of "were" makes it sound very lifeless. You could expand it a little: "onix upon onix settled on them, and the pressure grew harder and harder to bear, until they lost consciousness" kind of thing, and probably do well to clear out the framing of the sentence with its many "were"s and passive voice.



    At the end of the first paragraph you describe Rachel entering the building, and then shortly afterwards once again emphasize on that. It seems fairly repetitive, and a little unnecessary. Perhaps writing simply Rachel's line with a customary "she said" would work?



    "Array" isn't quite the correct word here. An array is an arrangement of the subject items in a deliberate orderly fashion. Try wall or cover, or something? You could simply remove the "a horrible array of" entirely.



    The 'though' is unnecessary.



    As he cannot help one person make their way for both of them, 'made' would fit better.

    All right. One issue I've seen in these recent chapters, and probably earlier ones, is your tendency for listy narration and description (as is also pointed out by a few other members). I note that you often spend a lot of time on actions and details which are entirely physical, indicate nothing, and in the end serve only as filler. It's important to remember that while creating a vivid picture in the reader's mind is one thing, the most comprehensive physical details will pass over the reader unless they are either very remarkable or backed by some sort of idea. Note that when reading, say, a large account of the exact physical features of a Mightyena, one is compelled to overlook the entire thing; it seems like a customary duty done only to fill the quota for description--but if these very details are narrated for the purposes of (eg.) proving that the Mightyena is large and fearsome, and if one selects precisely those details which support this, and uses the appropriate adjectives and statements, one manages at the least to create a more distinct memory of terror, which is often backed by quite a few clear physical details (effectively serving the purpose). Ideas are better handled while reading than objects and their features.

    Well; to cut the lecture short, take care not to include details about events or objects without a clear meaning in mind for them. If something is unnecessary and can be implied with less bother, feel free to do so.

    Well. Quite a lot of new developments here. I have to say I never expected the cause for Atlas' rampage (did I consider some sort of mind-altering substance in my prior speculations--I can't remember), though it seems to make good sense. Suddenly Jeff, young trainer as he already is, has a much harder path before him; his pokémon have been difficult to manage, but an unstable giant prone to sudden transports of rage--and, which is perhaps the worst part, almost certain fits of remorse soon afterwards--is something else. Their state looks grim.

    On the other hand, it appears Treecko has grown a little, and Jeff had a bit more time to consider their friendship. It seems to me that the worst has already passed; Treecko's prior sort of mentality will no longer appeal to him; serious conflict has came and gone, and no one intends te folly of bringing it back. Concerning Daedalus: his grudge looks like it's going to stay, but he could very well represent Jeff's conscience, and possibly restrain him a bit more effectively in situations like the battle for the second badge. I think he's too good-natured and mature to cause as much problems as Treecko. Excuse all misinterpretations.

    Well, good to have this back; good to be back. I do so enjoy this kind of fiction.
    Hey, Silnaek (I'm almost positive that was spelled wrong.)

    I really REALLY appreciate the details you brought up when it came to my recent description troubles. I knew I was doing something wrong, I just didn't know exactly what it was, so thanks for helping to clear that up.

    I agree, Atlas does seem to be a temperamental problem, doesn't he? As for Treecko, we'll just have to see how much he has grown. Good analysis of Daedalus there; there are no misinterpretations that need excusing.

    Thanks Air Dragon, Poison and Slippy (Can I call you that? xD) for the reviews! They're always much appreciated.

    I won't have the next chapter up until the one-shot contest results are yp and I can finally post the one-shot, for technical reasons. Hopefully it won't take too long.


    Also, I'd like to add that I'm composing a score/soundtrack for this fic, and I will post some of the music as soon as I buy the program that let's me put it onto the computer. I also would like to emphasize that I did not come up with this idea. If I did, a friend of my friend would have my friend kill me via leaf blading.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 15th July 2008 at 12:42 AM.
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    which program do you need there is a free 3ml editor for music making but u sorta need to know how to make ringtones (cause thats how it sorta works like) and finale workbook (too bad i can't give it to ya without infringing copyrights)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slipomatic View Post
    which program do you need there is a free 3ml editor for music making but u sorta need to know how to make ringtones (cause thats how it sorta works like) and finale workbook (too bad i can't give it to ya without infringing copyrights)
    It'll be Sibelius 5, but that costs SO much, so I have to save up. It's the only program I know where you can actually put in the notes on a staff, so it's easier (kind of)
    Digimon Club
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    Oh. My. God. This fanfic is one of the best I've ever seen. Ever. In my book, it's right next to The Quest for the Legands by Dragonfree. I was literally on the edge of my seat when Treecko was dieing. Good luck, and keep writing!



    Five treecko rating. That means it's good

    Peace

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    Hey, thanks.

    Tomorrow are the results for the one shot contest, so I can finally post my next chapter soon.
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    Next chapter up. This chapter has a character from my One-Shot. You don't NEED to read the one-shot to understand what's going on, but it's a nice look into his backstory.

    Link: One Shot

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Escape


    A bell attached to a door rung as it swung closed. Jeff, Kevin and Rachel walked out of the bike shop each holding a dirtied up bicycle. They walked the bikes onto the dirt road by the side of the shop before mounting them.

    “SEE, Rache? If you hadn’t bought Jeff that stupid hat we could have rented new bicycles instead of these used ones! I think there’s gum on my seat!” complained Kevin.

    “We would not! That hat barely cost anything!” retorted Rachel.

    “Well my wallet begs to differ!” snapped back Kevin.

    Jeff sighed as he kicked the pedals of his bike backwards. “Oh, stop complaining. Just be glad we’re biking and not going through that windy, jungle-y path,” Jeff said, adjusting his new green and purple hat.

    “Whatever.” Kevin looked at Jeff with an eyebrow raised. “Why don’t you let out that starter of yours?” he asked.

    The teen stalled. “Uhh, Treecko?”

    “No, Mudkip! What do you think?” said his friend, sardonically.

    Jeff idly fingered Treecko’s pokeball on his belt. “Uhm… I don’t think so. He’s still kinda hurt.”

    “He’s been doing fine last time I saw; maybe he’d enjoy the ride. Besides, he hasn’t been out of that ball for who knows how long. Hell, he probably evolved while he was in there!” Kevin suggested.

    “Well why don’t you have Ace ride along with you?!” snapped Jeff.

    “Puh-lease. He’d be terrified of a bike… let alone RIDING on one,” Kevin answered with a smug smirk.

    Rachel interjected, “Guys, let’s just go before nightfall. Who knows what kind of biker gang freaks will come out when the sun sets… And Kevin, stop being such a jerk.”

    “Well EXCUUUSE ME, princess! I just have to get something,” said Kevin, getting off of his bike. The blond haired boy stood between his bike and Jeff, seemingly about to take off his bag. With surprising speed, he lunged at Jeff and snatched two pokeballs from his belt. Following a laugh, he released one occupant on the ground and from a bright gleam emerged Corphish.

    “Corphish cor!!!” said the merry crustacean.

    “Sorry, wrong one.” Corphish drooped with disappointment before being returned to a pokeball by Kevin.

    “Kev! What the hell are you doing?!” Jeff protested.

    He tossed Corphish’s pokeball to him and threw the other one on the ground. From the second flash of light appeared a green wood gecko, who placed his customary twig in his mouth.

    “Cko treecko,” muttered the Treecko coolly after a few deep breaths.

    “KEVIN!” Jeff carped, but soon shut up.

    The blonde grinned and hopped back on his bike. “Hey, Treecko, Jeff wanted you to come out for the ride.” The grass type merely blinked in response. “That is… unless you think you’re too injured to handle it,” smirked Kevin in a goading fashion.

    Treecko immediately shot him a look, hopped onto Jeff’s shoulder and perched there calmly.

    “That reminds me, Jeff… What happened to your dumb twig? Before we met up in Dewford you were like a dog with your favourite chew toy,” inquired Kevin.

    Jeff shifted uncomfortably. “I… uhhh… still have it… let’s just go already!”

    Rachel nodded in agreement and the three took off down the dirt path. They rode down the path and the buildings to their left turned into dense forest. To their right was also forest, but the difference was that they could hear the sloshing of water through the trees.

    Kevin, who was leading the way and kicking up dirt in the other’s faces, slowed down to ride next to Jeff.

    “Yo, Jeff… You realize we have two Onixes…” Kevin pointed out.

    “Yeah… What’s your point?” Jeff answered, awaiting a bad joke.

    “It’s ‘How are we going to feed them?’ They’re huge and I’m guessing that they eat a LOT…”

    Jeff remained silent, only shifting uncomfortably as Treecko sat on his shoulder.

    “… We’re not going to be able to keep them with us.”

    The brown haired teen nearly lost control of his bike as he swung to face his friend.

    “If you suggest that we leave them then you’ve got a hell of another thing coming!!!” shot Jeff, angrily.

    “Woah, woah. I didn’t say we had to release them… ever hear of a thing called Birch’s ranch? You know that MASSIVE landscape northeast of Littleroot Town? It’s got mountains ‘n’ crap? I say we put them there for awhile…” Kevin said, while occasionally looking ahead on his bike.

    “Hmph,” grunted Jeff as Kevin rode back to the lead. He muttered to himself, “I’m not agreeing to anything yet.”

    They braked to a slow halt when they reached a small building which, as evident on the other side of it, connected the dirt path to the bike path. Kevin dismounted and opened the glass door to the building and entered, leading the others to follow. They passed by a check out desk and were given the go ahead to proceed to the bike path. The three walked out onto a ceramic, fenced pathway. They spotted several people travelling on bicycles on the path several feet above the ground.

    Kevin hopped onto his bike, as did Rachel and Jeff with Treecko. “Okay… here’s the deal… First one to the other side gets to battle the gym first, and last one there has to pay for hotel rooms… Go!”

    With that, Kevin and Rachel sped ahead, pedalling up a short incline.

    Jeff pedalled more slowly. “… What did he say?” he asked obliviously, climbing the hill.

    “Cko…” muttered Treecko, slapping his head. “<It’s a race that you don’t want to lose.>”

    Jeff’s eyes widened and he pedalled furiously to catch up. The two rode up the hill which levelled off a good fifteen feet above the grassy route below. Jeff aptly sped around fellow bicyclists, not bothering to enjoy the relaxing breeze. Much to his dismay, the bike path was very long and there was no end in sight, or at least not past the various bikers’ helmets.

    “Treecko?... Can I ask you a question?” Jeff asked through a pant of exertion.

    Treecko awaited the question, starting to stand up on Jeff’s shoulder.

    “Treeck, be careful!” Jeff warned.

    “<Jeff, I’m fine,>” he answered, somewhat irritated.

    “You could fall!” exclaimed the teen, swerving past a cyclist.

    “Treecko cko tree,” muttered Treecko under his breath.

    “What was that?” Jeff asked.

    “<What are you, my mother?>” Treecko mumbled.

    Jeff still hadn’t heard him. “Anyways, my question… You’ve been acting different lately… Ever since you saw me in jail, you’ve been… obeying me and going inside your… pokeball. Why? I mean I’m not complaining, but…”

    Treecko suppressed a scoff. “<You’re not complaining?>”

    “Yeah, why have you been acting differently?” Jeff inquired, looking back at Treecko.

    The grass starter looked forwards. “<Jeff, there’s a road fork ahead.>”

    The teenager swung his head forward and saw the elevated bike path split into two separate roads about fifty metres ahead. “Great. I think Kevin and Rachel went right.”

    Treecko folded his arms across his bandaged chest. “<They went left.>”

    Jeff looked at Treecko. “No. I’m pretty sure that they went right,” he said, his voice getting stronger.

    “<I’m telling you they went left,>” Treecko coolly insisted, shaking his head.

    “I’m POSITIVE they went right!”

    “<They went LEFT!>” exclaimed the pokemon.

    “RIGHT!” Jeff shouted, turning in the direction of the right path.

    “<LEFT!>” Treecko growled. He hopped down onto the handlebars and grabbed them. The grass starter pulled the bar while Jeff vehemently resisted.

    “Let go! I told you, RIGHT is the right way!!” Jeff snarled.

    Treecko pulled the handlebars to the left with great force. The bike turned sharply to the left and sped towards the guardrail, which separated cyclists from a fifteen foot drop to the route below.

    “MOVE! WE’RE HEADED FOR THE SIDE!” yelled Jeff, trying to help turn and right the bike.

    “Tree…” the lizard growled, strenuously trying to help course the bike.

    “GET OUTTA THE WAY!” yelled a biker that almost hit them in their spin.

    The bike was turned at such an angle where it could not be put back upright, and was instead spinning into a helix motion. The two shifted their entire weight to the right and the bike began to stand. Unfortunately, they still sped towards the three foot rail at an unrecoverable pace.

    “I think I… can turn it…” managed Jeff, beginning to turn the cycle.

    Just then they saw another bike come out of nowhere and cut them off.

    “Eyy, I’m bikin’ ‘ere!” the man exclaimed.

    In an attempt to avoid him, Jeff reflexively turned the handlebars. The action was much too sharp and their wheel acted as a barrier as it turned sideways. The rear of their bike upended before even hitting the rail, and both were sent from the seat of the bike into a fifteen foot fall to the jungle-like land below.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Errrrrgh,” growled Jeff. He opened his eyes after being unconscious from the nasty fall. Looking straight up, he saw tall grass curving upwards around where he laid his head. Jeff also noticed that he was right below the high bike overpass. He attempted to sit up but couldn’t; there was a blinding pain in his ankle. Jeff slightly lifted his head and looked down at his chest to see Treecko sitting on it while chewing his twig.

    The wood gecko noticed Jeff was awake and looked down at him with the smallest hint of concern. “<Jeff… you okay?>”

    “Er… Yeah, I’m-ERRRGH… I’m fine! Really!” he insisted, propping himself up on his elbows.

    “<Uh huh…>” The grass type got off of Jeff’s stomach and walked down to his feet. He lifted up Jeff’s pant leg and pulled down his sock to see a dire purple coloured and badly swelling bruise. “<You have a sprained ankle…>” Treecko flicked just above the swelling, causing Jeff to cry out in pain. “<…and a bad one at that.>”

    “Treeck, I told you. I’m fine,” said the stubborn teen.

    “<I’m not a Grovyle or Sceptile… I can’t help you walk. You’re going to stay here and I’ll go get you help,>” Treecko stated, folding his arms.

    “The only help I need is help standing up so that we can walk to Mauville!”

    Treecko hopped on Jeff’s chest, forcing him to the ground. “<Either you stay put willingly, or I tie you to that tree until I get back with help. So what’s it going to be, Jeff?>” he threatened, pointing to the tree behind him.

    The human growled before reluctantly agreeing. “I’ll stay here…”

    Treecko nodded and walked off of Jeff’s chest. He grinned to himself. “<I think I’ll have a few battles while I’m at it,>” he muttered to himself.

    “What was that?” Jeff asked, trying to sit up more.

    With much struggle, Treecko ripped off the bandages tied horizontally on his chest and began to walk.

    “Treecko, what are you doing?! Why did you take your bandages off?! Your ribs could still be hurt!” complained Jeff.

    “<I’m fine. Just stay put Jeff and I’ll be back soon with help.>” With that, Treecko began running on all fours into the dense forest.

    “Treecko, hold up! Wait! Damn it!!” he called. With a grunt of extreme pain, he managed to pull himself to his feet. He hopped on his left foot out of the shade of the underpass, touching his injured right foot to the ground as little as possible.

    “I don’t like the looks of this,” he grunted as he limped through the rugged forest terrain. The farther he went, the darker the forest became. The sun seemed to barely leak through the canopies now. Through the dark trees, Jeff could see a giant beige egg-shaped structure. He marvelled at the sheer size of it as it stood around a tree at about three stories high.

    “What the hell is that?” he grunted to himself, moving closer to the giant beige oval construction. He pushed himself from tree trunk to tree trunk in an attempt to take pressure off of his sprained ankle. Jeff looked through a few trees and identified the structure as a giant hive, with buzzing emanating from the inside. He stopped dead in his tracks, balancing on his good foot.

    Jeff then heard a buzzing to his left. He turned and saw a large, yellow hornet with black stripes standing on its two skinny, black forelegs. Its menacing main stinger looked just as deadly as its two ivory fore stingers that took the place of hands. The bug squinted its large, red, buggy eyes, which stood under two antennae. Jeff had never seen a Beedrill walk instead of fly before, but it seemed to be injured seeing as the lower pair of its two wings appeared missing. In addition to the wings, something else caught his eye. There was a vine necklace around the bug’s neck with two small, ivory cones on it, which looked like the very tips of a Beedrill’s fore stingers.

    The teen remembered Professor Birch say that Beedrill were very territorial and highly dangerous. He slowly turned his head back forwards and broke into a run, using even his sprained right foot to get himself away.

    “<HALT!!>” buzzed a voice.

    The Beedrill shot an adhesive string from its mouth which hit Jeff’s mobile left foot, pinning it to the ground. Beginning to fall over, he instinctively put out his injured foot to catch himself.

    “ARRRRRRGH!!” he cried out as all of his weight went on the injury, and he collapsed under the pain.

    The Beedrill ran towards him as he tried to take the string off of his foot.

    “<Do not move!>” ordered the Beedrill. Jeff promptly stopped as the bug pointed his fore stinger at him. “<What were you doing?!>”

    Jeff’s muscles tensed. “I… I was looking for my friend… a Treecko…”

    The Beedrill slackened a bit. “<… A friend?>” he asked more softly, looking down at the necklace he wore.

    The teen nodded and adjusted his hat in a worried anticipation,

    The Beedrill looked up at his hive. He whispered, “<Alright… You must get out of here as soon as possible- before my fellow Beedrill come out and see you.>”

    “Uhhh…” a surprised Jeff stalled, gesturing to his immobile left foot.

    “<Right…>” the bug said trying to tear away at the silk. Jeff also attempted to rip it off. “<… Damn it! How much did I use?! I just can’t take it off!>”

    The teenager’s heart dropped as the Beedrill looked at him guiltily. “<I am truly sorry… I… My name is Drezdk,>” he said, unable to think of anything else to say.

    “… I’m Jeff,” replied the downcast human. “There’s nothing you can do?”

    The Beedrill attempted to try to tear apart the adhesive again, but failed. “<I’m sorry. I was nervous and used too much snare thread-err- ‘string shot’ to non-Beedrills. I’m not used to this job!>” he said frantically.

    A Beedrill flew out of the entrance of the hive and landed on a Beedrill-made plateau just outside of the entrance on the hive. It looked down at Jeff and Drezdk.

    “<Drezdk? Who are you talking to?!>” he asked.

    Drezdk panicked. “<N-n-nothing, sir! I-I was just finishing off this intruder!>” He turned to Jeff and raised his right fore stinger. “<Follow my lead,>” he whispered very softly. The bug thrust his stinger forward, into between Jeff’s right arm and chest. When Drezdk realized that Jeff wasn’t screaming, he stepped on the human’s sprained ankle, causing him to cry out.

    “<Keep up the good work, hero,>” said the Beedrill, flying back in the hive. Drezdk shuddered at the last remark.

    Jeff cringed and looked up at the Beedrill standing over him. “Why don’t you kill me?” he asked, in the form of a question rather than a goad.

    The bug looked down at the ground. “<I don’t want anymore blood on my stingers… I hate it here… This hive… They’re all over-aggressive, warmongers who hate anyone outside the hive… and… Tal’s gone…>” he said contemptibly, his voice getting gradually softer as he spoke. “<I keep planning to run away… but I can’t. We’re on an island… I wouldn’t be able to get away and if they found me they might kill me.>”

    “Kill you? But didn’t that guy call you a hero?”

    “<I AM NOT A HERO!>” Drezdk shouted as the forest mist grew thicker around them. “<I… I am really sorry, but… I have to kill you.>”

    Jeff froze. “W… what?!”

    “<If they see you’ve escaped they’ll… I… I don’t know what they might do!>”

    The teen tugged at his trapped leg. “Why would they kill you if you’re a hero?!” he grilled.

    “<They- they might! It’s a very complicated and cruel society!!>” Drezdk insisted even more frantically. “<And I told you! I am NOT a HERO!>”

    “You said we’re on an island! My friend went out to find help for me and he could get himself hurt or killed looking for it! If anything happens to him… that would be on my conscience forever. I… can’t leave him to possibly die. If you’re not a hero… then you have the chance to be one. Please…” said a desperate Jeff.

    “<I tried to help you… but I couldn’t… It’s just like the battle…>” Drezdk looked down at the necklace on his chest in deep thought. “<…Two days ago I had my first real battle. I was part of the ‘reconaissault’ team along with my best friend. During the battle, the entire team was wiped out. My best friend, Talvoc, died saving me… and I couldn’t save him…>”

    Jeff looked down, uncomfortably. “I’m… I’m sorry… is that how you injured your wings?”

    “<Thanks,>” said the bug before continuing. “<The only reason I survived was because I ran away and lied… Now, back at the hive, they call me a hero for not dying in battle, but they don’t know that I’m a coward and a traitor… Ever since the battle I’ve been terrified that the others will find out and kill me. >” He took a deep breath and held up the double-pointed part of his necklace. “<These two points are the very tips of Talvoc’s fore stingers… I made this necklace to remember him.>”

    Admittedly, Jeff thought that it was kind of weird, but he didn’t dare judge someone else’s culture. “Why did you tell me all that?” he asked.

    “<Because you’re as good as dead next to this hive,>” he answered remorsefully, causing Jeff’s heart to sink even lower.

    “You know… If you get me out of here, you can come along with me… That way they wouldn’t try to kill you because it would seem like I caught you. The chance of me getting away with my bad foot his like hitting a bulls eye with a dart in the dark, but it’s better than-” Jeff was cut off by the Beedrill.

    “<Dart? That’s it!>” Drezdk aimed his main stinger down at the sticky thread pinning Jeff’s foot to the ground and shot out three large, purple pins.

    Jeff shut his eyes, fearing that they would hit his foot. None did and they began to eat away at the string shot. With most of it gone, Jeff freed his foot and got on one knee to stand up.

    “So, Drezdek,” he said.

    “<Drezdk,>” the Beedrill corrected.

    “Whatever… Are you going to take me up on my offer?” Jeff asked with a grin.

    The bug nodded. “<I just need to visit Talvoc first… and leave a message for my other friend.>”

    Jeff nodded and hopped a little ways away from the hive. Meanwhile, Drezdk walked a little ways through the forest to a tiny clearing. Before even looking at his surroundings, he hastily wrote on a tree trunk in Beedrillian script and then he would say his parting words to his deceased friend.

    It read: ‘Friend, try to get caught by a human if you can - anything's better than the hive. But if not, come and check on Talvoc's body every day-’

    The writing cut off as the Beedrill looked at where his late friend should have been lying. Instead, there was just pressed grass and footprints leading off.

    “<Tal?!>” Drezdk shouted, looking around frantically. “<Talvoc?!?!>” he asked again, as if expecting an answer from him. The distraught Beedrill began looking frantically around the clearing.

    Meanwhile, Jeff leaned against a tree warily. The teen was very concerned about both the nearby nest and Treecko, who could be anywhere. He shut his eyes as he waited; the dark forest made him uneasy. His eyes shot open when he heard a rustling in the bushes beside him. Jeff’s head jerked towards the leafy unknown where the sounds were coming from.

    “…Drezduk?” he asked anxiously.

    He got no verbal reply, the rustling only got louder

    More fearfully, he questioned, “…Treecko?”

    Jeff braced himself as a figure his size burst through the bushes.

    “Pip! PIP-lup!” a high, squeaky voice said triumphantly.

    Jeff opened his eyes and looked up from under the visor of his hat to see a human in familiar attire. He recognized the dark blue shorts and Piplup sitting on a shoulder of the white and blue t-shirt. The figure was Jeff’s age and height, but with shorter and darker brown hair.

    “Hey!” he said. “Are you the guy who fell over the edge?”

    Jeff took off his baseball cap and stared at him. “You… Blane…”

    The teen that Jeff had met twice before, and had disliked for only caring about winning battles, stared back at him before recognizing Jeff. He walked towards him, grabbed Jeff’s shirt collar, and forced him up against the tree he was leaning against.

    “What was the big idea stealing my bike back in Oldale Town?!” he said with a scowl, pressing Jeff against the tree.

    “Piplup! Lup piplup!” said the annoyed penguin pokemon, urging his trainer to stop.

    “First of all, I didn’t steal it, I borrowed it. I left it in Petalburg!” said Jeff, grabbing Blane’s collar in response.

    “I had to fish it out of the harbour!!” he yelled, only to have Jeff ignore him.

    “At least you got it back… Second of all, it was an emergency, my Treecko was really hurt. Thirdly, settle down… or do you want an entire hive of Beedrill on our asses?” Jeff said calmly, craning his head towards the giant hive.

    Blane looked over, loosened his grip on Jeff and stepped back. “Well… you coulda just asked…”

    Jeff looked at the Beedrill hive and then around the forest for Drezdk. “…What are you doing down here anyways?”

    “We heard that someone fell off the side, so we wanted to make sure they were okay,” Blane explained, lightening up.

    “Pip pip lup!” his Piplup proudly nodded.

    Jeff faked a grin at Blane. “Well aren’t you the hero?!” Jeff said.

    Blane frowned angrily. “Why are you such a jerk?!”

    The teen in question opened his mouth but was interrupted by Drezdk, who ran to him. “<Human! I can’t find Talvoc! He just disappeared!>”

    Jeff was shocked. “What? I… How can a… Hmm.” He looked at the distraught bug type with some pity. “I… I’m sorry, Drezdok… I really don’t know what to say…” said Jeff awkwardly, guessing a hungry wild pokemon probably took the body. He then glanced up at Blane. “Wait, you came down here from the Mauville side of the path?!”

    The hasty teen nodded. “Does that mean we’re NOT on an island?!” Jeff asked before looking down at Drezdk.

    “<So all this time… I could have left?! We could have just left?! The hive just LIED to us?!>” Drezdk shrieked, angry, shocked and shaken.

    Meanwhile, Blane and his Piplup looked on perplexed, but rather impatiently. “We really have to go, RIGHT NOW,” he urged, bothered.

    Jeff shot a glare at him and looked down at the Beedrill. “He’s right… Are you sure you want to come?”

    The very upset Beedrill sighed and nodded. Jeff took out a fresh pokeball from his backpack and tapped Drezdk on the head with it. He was surrounded by a red gleam and sucked into the orb. The pokeball didn’t even shake, it merely locked immediately. The teen placed the pokeball on his belt and limped towards Blane.

    “You look hurt,” he pointed out.

    “I’m fine… I can walk just fine,” Jeff insisted.

    “Piplup pip!” said the water type, crossing his flippers.

    “Yeah, not fast enough!” Blane said, taking Jeff’s arm and putting it around his shoulder.

    “You don’t have to help me walk. I’ll be okay.”

    “Too bad,” he said, as they started to walk away from the hive.

    Jeff sighed and then remembered Treecko. “… Then let’s hurry up.”
    Last edited by Griff4815; 26th October 2008 at 11:10 PM.
    Digimon Club
    Chapter 14 of A Dragon in Shining Armour is up.

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    Claimed: Grovyle (6/30/10) and a second time (11/10/13).

  24. #249
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    Oct 2005
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    First reviews rule.

    But where's the damn review?

    I'm working on it... eheh.

    It'll be up soon, i promise.

    Right, now to the review...

    So Jeff finally patches things up with Blane and catches a Beedrill whose name he can't pronounce. I mean, is is too hard to say Dresduck?

    Now, i wonder where Treecko's gone? Three guesses, anyone?

    And why has he stareted listening to Jeff?

    My favourite line by far was:

    “Well EXCUUUSE ME, princess!
    LOL… another LOZ animated series fan!

    Well, that's all i've got time for... see ya!

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 26th July 2008 at 2:11 PM.
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
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    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
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  25. #250
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    Sorry for not reviewing the last couple of chapters. Stuff came up. Also, so sorry this review is going to be short. Playing catchup and also actually I'll be busy for the next couple of days. Wanna do this now before I forget. XD

    For "Truth and Reconciliation," pretty much I agreed with everyone else how it seemed rushed and you could've expanded the emotions more. However, you made me wonder what kind of role Team Aqua has in this story and also why those two guys were suddenly scared.

    For "Cutting to the Chase," I was a bit confused as to how Kevin got the other Onix, though I might've missed something there. However, I thought it was funny that Rachel blew off much of the money on shopping. XD Also, interesting backstory between Kevin and his Scyther.

    For "Escape," love the bike scene. Poor Treecko and Jeff suddenly crashed. XD Also, intersting you incoprate Drezdk's background story into this chapter (yes, I read that one shot LONG time ago, back in March but wasn't able to review because I was busy with school XD). It'll be intersting how Jeff will handle that Beedrill. Also, I assume Blane and Jeff are going to help each other, at least for now? Not only that, hoping that Jeff and Treecko will patch things up soon?

    So far things are back on a shakey start but you seem to be getting back in the groove of writing. ^^ Can't wait for the next chapter!

    Before I go, wanna say, Congrats on winning Fifth place! ^^


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    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


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