Mental note: Underlined are for old notes: meaning ones that are no longer useful...much.
*Stands firmly* Reporting for duty.
For the last few hours I've been reading chapters 1-6, I was vaguely entertained...You blew me away with very realistic characters, solid motivations, and a generally very stable psychological make-up. It was very organized, yet vague when you wanted so. I tip my hat. *Smiles*
The first impression I got from your fan fiction is a sense of pure confusion, you do very well on that...vague rambling is always fun.
I had the feeling that you put hours of thought and pondering in it...
First of all, you give Pokemon a genuine feeling of intelligence, and I like it. It gives us a feeling that they are not mindless, violent goons. However, I had the feeling you were greatly over complicating things in narrative mode....
We get the idea! We don't want unneeded thoughts explaining your characters actions!
Too much sentences that are unneeded...unless you expect us to be three-year olds. *Rant fades down.*
I don't really know what the "but" was for other then additional mentioning of hair color...other then that it chokes on our throats if we speak it, or halts our eyes when we read it. Saying “A hint of reddish-brown” gives a touch and a twist.
"The wind blew through the girl’s somewhat short brown hair, but it was dyed a reddish-brown color."
Hmm, I really hate people on Serebiinet peeping up on description without helping, so I will try to point out what I mean...later in the review.
One other thing that is pretty general (Actually, very general), and irritates me...why do human students take Pokemon lessons and suddenly get a newby Pokemon who has no idea about the outer world? Irritating contradiction.
Perhaps for that I advised everyone I know to let starter Pokemon originally be pets...
Still, I liked Birch talking from behind his back...more like humans you make your pokemon.
I dislike the time when you give a tedious, slobbery narrative...it gives me the funny sense you were slapping the keyboard (Not willing to write)/ or rushing...a lot of actions could happen in the time...it faded, but it still is there...Simplify. Things could be complicated and stay lame. Simple and easy make the best novels I've ever seen.
The frequent mentions of Arceus is -in my opinion- a poor substitute for “Oh my God.” and it gets very boring, out-of-place and dull later....Not to mention that -in the Poke'dex- is it an Alpha Pokemon. Meaning first. The first human isn't necessarily their God.
Don't get me wrong...I say Oh my God all the time...and I like to say it!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
*Goes happily crazy*
You also tend to give some information/movements quickly and...shoot it right out. Combine words with actions/grunts and sighs, they all contribute to the story in a way nobody could imagine.
There is also a hard view of catching Pokemon, and being reluctant to do so. More realism here and there...so far, Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place seems to be the most realistic Pokemon fan fiction I've ever read!
*1-7 chapter rant ends*
But chapters 8 and above, my eyes were crazy glued into the screen...With or without the strange epic music I prefer, the effect was like a bang. If I was Meh-ish to read your fic, I can't get enough of it now...
Your development was like a speeding train that...*Searches for something dramatic*...crushes............
Argh...forget what I said.
Your main character, Jeff, is far from stereotype-ness. Hard-headed and slightly violent, still polite and self-conscience, I like that. Pretty realistic to me, if not that incredible loyalty to who owes him...
Loyal as a dog I would say. Their, "I owe you" relationship could span for years, and end in one action...I guess another bond is better then one...
A little over parenting as well? As nice as it sounds, grabbing any injured Pokemon gets cheesy.
emo-ic a little around the edges, but gives him a humane feeling...how would YOU feel if your best friend began trimming betrayal?
So far? B+ I haven't told why I loved Jeff, but soon you would figure it out yourself.
Kristie: I can't say why I hate her so much...innocent little brat.
*Buys a Kristie plushie and blasts into oblivion*
I'm not saying more...innocent brat...I HATE HER!
Alan: DEATH TO ALAN!!! *Buys a Alan plushie* DIE!! *Prepares a shotgun*
It's surprising how a writer could make his/her readers hate someone/something. ~_~
I don't usually comment on Poke'mon's personalities, so I won't...
*Runs from Poke'mon equal treatment society*
Your style and Techniques: I would say that I defiantly hate the way you translate the Pokemon's words in early chapters. Not only is it out-of-place, but it is also annoying. Make a Pokemon (Treeko in case offered a battle), instead of repeating his/her name out loud repetitiously, make body language speak for itself. Make Treeko ball his fists and smile evilly or something that synchronizes with the action required.
But then, Treeko started...talking, it...uh...was understandable, it also gave the idea that Pokemon are alive...but it takes time to swallow, even with the strange medical explanation...
Good to know trainer-understands-pokemon is common...I hope when a person hears it..it's vague...it would be hard otherwise.
*Whispers* I sure want to bond with a Japanese girl...I got sick of having to read subs and waiting for novel translations...
*Notices people watching*
Ahem. *Blush wears off*
And something annoying also. Why doesn't any trainer have any information about the Pokemon he is fighting?
You always have to make Jeff pull out that Poke'dex and point it...in my ideas, the Poke'dex wouldn't have been invented if all you have to do to confirm legend's existence is to point a small device on it and "poof", we know everything.
Ash sometimes shouts, "Oh, neat! I've never fought those before!" and doesn't use that wretched Poke'dex of his.
Make us feel he's a pokemon trainer more. Trainers need to know a lot about Pokemon's natural habitats.
After reading chapter eight, I smiled at Jeff's thoughts about Aaron.
So there is...Never mind what I said.
...oh well. Useless, irrelivent rant over and out.
Humor: Very light-hearted, easily understood comedy, such as cheating in Rock-Paper-Scissors, not forced or "Spat out", in right places too...perhaps ready some running gags to lighten things up later...preserve the...humorous taste...perhaps crashing with a misplaced Torchic would suffice. *Smiles*
Gullible on Corphish's back...priceless...Corphish is a crazy and lovable character.
Ha...battle insults at Salvation...priceless.
Horror, Dark themes: I should replace this with out-of-tune themes. The time when a character is so shocked that he/she couldn't think clearly and just ramble physically around. I love the sense of loss you give and see it crystallized well...Hmm, Jeff reluctant to catch the Taillow was something...
Unlike Dark Persian and many other reviewers, I don't see that emo at all as much as I see it lost.
Kudos on that.
Pain and suffering: I should replace this with anger and so...Argh...I'm a little blank right now...your skill advancement would render this review completely useless in two days...
Motivations: At first, I saw Jeff as a "Pokemon Master" wannabe...thankfully, you dismissed that thought by him loving battles, meeting old friends, and Kristie...that--*Strains to find a AO rated insult*
Treeko and Jeff are bond with the “I owe you” as I mentioned before, and I see that a strong bond that could span for a long time/end in a short time...but I could see something else stirring, so I know a more powerful motivation is behind the scene. Good work on that!
Now, the place is pretty bland....everyone is in a space situation right now...and you need a good motivation.
Action: Very lacking in description...rushed but you give good reasons. People here don't fight because they want to. There is a reason behind.
Other then incredibly lacking, I see a lot of tasteless action/moves...things get boring quickly in the fiction genre, so keep up by making up moves or combining new ones...like Flarion with the Flamethrower-extreme speed combination. The more innovative/complex it gets, the best they come out.
You still have a knack for them though...perhaps the flowing sentence structure...I don't get lost in action scenes like in much fiction entries.
This is for action only, battles are another story.
Battle scenes: A little unclear..."He punched him" doesn't generally work but what often happens doesn't work either...walk on middle grounds.
There was something in the fifth chapter I just loved. Remember when Corphish Crab hammered Taillow into the woods? That is called environmental interaction, the more there is, the more realistic it could be...E.G. Dirt into a whirlwind, Fire blast fades in a rainstorm, combining Magic leaf/Razor leaf with the fact of a Pokemon performing in a forest, turning it into a storm of leaves. (Psyblade's personal favorite.)
Hand to hand? Intense. I can't really say any more. You are good with it...I could almost see the action.
Strange, because you like reporting actions...”He punched him.”
Don't be an extremist on description or a minimalist. Gone are the days of Tolkien where he described every room to the inch, the grade of color and even the way light pour in.
Only mention things that are VITAL. Then we could draw the rest them in our mental realms.
Reflection: Wow, at the eighth chapter there was a lot of those...”Why am I here?” themes. Dismissing false agendas and building new ones...the smack and Jeff loosing the bond with Treeko (That must be the reason for Poke speech going wrong). I was wide-eyed at the moment...It was...wonderful!
I am not easily impressed too...but combining so many elements and the great...(Move set) was all on the spot...I can't really say anything....you had me done.
Wow, this forum is filled with wonderful people.
On Salvation, I should just really shut up....really, I can't comment on that beautiful portrait of sounds, fear and emotion...I can't...sorry, but I really can't.
Philosophy: Entwined with Reflection...it's pretty hard to show which is which from a mostly third-person perceptive, but I could tell it still works good...
Let your words, and actions do the talking...
[QUOTE-Treeko]I was relieved that he was willing to take me back. I didn’t show any of my emotions though; he knew how I felt so I’m not going to show it in a public display of affection! … Or did he know how I felt?! He still couldn’t understand me! Was that permanent?! What if he thinks I’m still angry? Well I kind of am… but still! DOES he want me back or does he just feel obliged to take me along?[/QUOTE]
First person rocked too...I had much less difficulty handing with the environment after having “Him” become “I”...you're better at first person.
Argh, its hard to note here...when I struggle to find a good philosophic ground, I can't find one, and when I pretend there isn't, I find one in my face...thanks for flabbergasting me, NWTWP....(What a long title...)
Drama: Hmm, after the dramatic eighth chapter, I don't think I should speak here. You poured your guts here...if anything was still lingering it's effects would come up here...
Darn...I can't give a reviewer-like opinion here...take it this way...
It was great.
As for Salvation, it was the best effing chapter, second to none...
Scary...it was so thrilling, it had me drooling...*Closes mouth*
Romance: Unsettled, one-sided love from Jeff to Kristie...Chapter six was full of possibilities, and her hugging, (Furthermore, kissing) Alan had me both surprised and angry.
I am not the best critic on love, seeing that I suck on it like Psyblade does, but I could tell when good romantic material is offered or not. And you filled the checks.
Ha ha, about it being nothing to do with real life, I laughed a lot. Turns out not much Internet dwellers are as miserable as media portrays them.
Not much out of the new...so *Pulls out a huge period and ends sentence*
Argh, I hate how awkward these things become...'*cries of misery*'
Plot: Journey is a background to the plot...I don't really see one now...Uh...perhaps I am just oblivious.
Description: A bit listy...Chopping up information to get severed in bits is more realistic and helpful.
Emotions: Mostly you deal with both doubt and anger well...I could see the outline of your heroes flash across the screen with enraged fury...flame and coal. All in all.
Lastest chapters: Yum. Emotions jumped from the screen at me.
Random notes: I would suggest chopping off thoughts into other places...they sometimes get out of line and pretty hard to follow...I also want to comment on the length of your chapters...*Cough* novelistic *Cough*
Things I liked was the general “I don't know what to do with myself” theme...suspended in air. We don't know where we are going, but we will go anyway...
The journey is -to me- a background theme...I see a ghost of a powerful theme here, but I can't really make it out...Journey is not the story here...there is something more...much more. *Goes all Tolkien-ic*
Plot themes: "I chose you!" theme, "Let's be trainers!". Jeff getting Treeko in the traditional "Professor gives Pokemon" was already clear from the first chapter, it wasn't very well issued, but it worked, still...and you made up for it in the later chapters.
Development: You made an incredible development, both with your fan fiction, and with the overall view. Seeing I read this in a narrow timespan, I just had to notice how your skills picked up. I am really impressed, like almost everyone here, you are mold-able clay with intense potential.
Darn...This review would be useless too with your talent...
Ending notes: You focus on the relationship between Pokemon trainers and their Pokemon more then humane relationships...I see them now more then just pixels or letters on a screen, but breathing, thinking creatures...I hope I don't see the day this method revolutionizes into an anti-human Pokemon fic...
But so far? Everything is breathing...the fic is breathing...Trainers aren't trainers...they are parents and friends. That is what is so special in Never in the Wrong Time or the Wrong Place...
I must comment on the very long title though...Painful to write...I misplace time with place and place with time...I just had the strange insight about Dialga/Palkia being here...
Your fan fiction is something great to read with calming Japanese meditation music, occasionally switching to the few excellent action/battle scenes...
It's a path to self-finding, and finding others along the long, tedious road.
With that, a long journey to perfection and power...
Sorry for taking so long to review...I was covering three-four chapters a sitting and didn't sit on my computer the last days...man am I lost...
Oh, well...I threw my useless two cents...I hope they weren't THAT useless.
~~Aspire to inspire before you expire~~
Review Status: Open.
I don't bite, trust me. I don't shred stories, and I think I'm worth a try.
...This is a signature... I guess.
I am The Ghost Review...I don't know what else to say.
I hope by reviewing your fiction, I'll make your day.
Aside from the crappy rap...there is nothing useful to say but my motto:
"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire."
To know yourself from your reflection, you need honesty, and cunning...
To know yourself from your ghost, you need only faith.