that was pretty interesting... can the Nidoking speak english though? because the part where he introduces himself, you don't use the "<>" thing like you normally do.
other than that, brilliant!
that was pretty interesting... can the Nidoking speak english though? because the part where he introduces himself, you don't use the "<>" thing like you normally do.
other than that, brilliant!
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The Piplup shook tears from his eyes and looked at the ground in shame.“Of course I will,” Nurse Joy responded.He had seen one of these creaturescopies of ‘Sports Illustrated’.And once again Corphish gets the best lines...Could I BE any more awesome?!
“<IT’S KIND OF LIKE SPARRING WITH A BRICK WALL HERE, JEFF!>”“<That’s a great plan, General Patton, but what’s the bait?>”Then there's:“<Have a wonderful evening, you two,>”
LOL! This reminded me of the one X-Play "Splinter Cell Co-Op Bob and Steve" episode where Bob calls himself, "Thor-Axe the Impaler"! XDI am DAGGERBACK THE OPPRESSOR… AND YOU SHALL PAY!
If I had to give one (fairly important) complaint, it would be that you didn't give Roxanne much of a distinct personality. And that's surprising, since you do so well with the Pokemon personalities. I'm not sure if it's because she's a one-time only character who won't appear again, but she seemed like a pretty generic Gym Leader.
I do have to admit, when you first started this, I wasn't sure if I was going to stick around. But I'm glad I did, as this has grown into something quite interesting. Right now, I can't think of anything I've read recently where the Pokemon are more gung-ho for battle than the trainer is.
Now, I'm not sure if you're reading my fic or not, but I would like your feedback on this issue if you are: Would my character's battle style be considered too harsh in Jeff's eyes; i.e., if he saw her battling, would he sic Daedalus on her to teach her a lesson? If you could answer via PM, it might help with character development for my own story. Thanks!
Once again, though, an enjoyable read, and it was nice to see Nidoking get his comeuppance. Though I do have to wonder...
heh, about the Nidoking I got the idea to go for a ridiculous, corny name that he named himself.
I admit I don't really know how to deal with canon characters and their personalities.
I'm also happy you decided to stick around, too.
I haven't read your fic yet although I've been meaning to. As soon as I read a good portion I'll send you that PM.
As for the fossil theft...you'll just have to wait and see.
Looks like Treecko is taking it upon himself to keep Jeff's head in the game, definitely a role that fits his personality. Of course, after all that's happened recently, Jeff is still in that funk of his; it'll definitely be interesting to see what it takes to finally snap him out of it for good.
I'd also like to find out more about Daedalus and his abilities. It seems that he has experience in coming up with battle strategies, so I could definitely see him as being a major asset to Jeff's team. Also, will Daedalus need to be convinced to challenge Gyms, or will he realize that Jeff wouldn't cruelly push his Pokemon into hopeless battles like Blane does?
What I Can Give:
fDW Pokemon: Pretty much anything legally breedable and worthwhile.
Legends/Events: (For SS Groudon)
Moves: (w/ DW Ability & Extremespeed)
5 DWf Cubchoo(All Jolly & Max HP IVs, 1 w/ Max Attack IVs, other 4 w/ Max Speed IVs.)
1 DWf Emolga(Timid, Max Speed IVs)
6 DWf Eevees(Varied Natures and Max IVs)
What I Want:
female DW Pokemon: Minccino.
Legend/Event Pokemon: (Adamant/Impish, unless from SoulSilver)
Items: Battle Subway items.
Yup, things involving Jeff and Treecko...will happen. Thats all I can really say. Before I rewrote the chapter before the last one... Jeff was snapped out of it at the point where they were running from Daedalus and Treecko hit him to the ground. Then I thought..."What if that doesn't happen.."
As for your Daedalus question... I don't know yet xD
Okay, finally getting my *** into gear and reviewing. Main reason for this being that I just wrote two pages straight of my fic (^0^) and am now in need of a break.
Seeing as I have two chapters to comment on, and that I read them on Monday and can't be bothered to go through them fully again, this review will a bit be more general than my usual ones.
First of all, it's great that you now have a beta. The improved grammar really makes reading easier. I think there's still a little false punctuation around speech marks, but that doesn't interrupt the flow as much as other mistakes do, for me at least.
Daedalus. I like him, but I also have a problem with him. I think you developed him far too quickly - when he was first caught I liked his "Damn, caught by a stupid human, what will my flock do without me?" attitude. Then he gets beaten up badly and it's pretty much Jeff's fault. Then, somehow, mysteriously, towards the end of the chapter he's perfectly happy to help Jeff rescue Corphish and Treecko. After being healed he seems a little cut off from Jeff again, but not for long as by the end of that chapter Jeff is wondering why Daedalus is so loyal when he gets nothing in return. Now don't get me wrong, I like these character traits, they just seem wrong when they're all on the same character within such a short period of time. Insane development curve aside, I think Daedalus is going to be a useful "wise leader" type to contrast with the hot-headedness of Treecko and Corphish.
Treecko and Corphish did indeed seem like they would clash at some point, and it's good that they now *sort of* get along. The ending of chapter 7 bothered me a bit for three reasons. One, it seemed rather clichéd. Two, like DarkPersian said, try not to make them become great friends too quickly. Three, the "would soon become a powerful, bonded comradeship" part struck me as being a spoiler for later chapters. In my mind, spoilers should never be found in the story itself.
Now for the whole Nidoking thing. I really like that you've added in what seemed at first to be just some filler plot to fill in between Petalburg Woods and Rustboro, but then it developed and turned out to be something much bigger and seemingly important to the great central plot that you've said you're working towards. Daggerback himself seemed a bit stereotypical, but I think that's what you were aiming for so I won't say any more.
Jeff's emoness is spawning some really interesting situations with his Pokemon - I think it's great how he doesn't want his Pokemon to battle for his own gain, and how this ironically results in them getting hurt more. I would have said a few chapters back that this sort of behaviour is totally un-Jeff, but obviously his broken heart has changed him and you showed that well.
And to end, I would like to quote the amazing (though not as funny in these chapters as in previous ones) Corphish.
Pray tell, where is he buying the DVDs?“<Goodbye, Purplebeard! Good luck finding the Black Pearl!>” Corphish called after him.
Also, loved it when he capsized the boat. I can imagine how much he must have enjoyed it.
Aaand that'll be it. *wanders off back to MS Word*
As for this "Jeff walked with the pokemon that gave him so much, yet he returned so little." As you mentioned. This wasn't specifically referring to Daedalus. After reading the line before it I get that it seemed like thats who I was talking about. The line in fact reffered to mainly Treecko and Corphish as they have been around longer. Sorry for throwing you off.
To be honest Spoiler:- :
I wonder what will bring Jeff out of his thing? Wait, shouldn't I know this?
Oh and thanks for reviewing, Elyvorg
Whew. I just finished the whole fic. Okay, like most people have already said, you have improved since the first chapter. The way it began with a series of flashbacks was different. But I have some problems.
Jeff and Treecko are a problem for me. I don't mean to complain, but the beginning they were way too stereotypical. Taking all that punishment from that Fearow, for example, was a little unrealistic. He just seems to perfect. But it mostly has improved, so I'll leave it at that.
As everyone else has said, characters are your strong point. Corphish is one of my favorite characters, simply because of how funny he is. Treecko, or 'Gri...' is also fairly intersting.
Description is about average. You have improved by quite a bit since the first few chapters, but they're still a ways to go. Keep improving!
Plot is a little tricky. I really can't say where this is going right now, but I'm sure you have something interesting planned. So far there have been some interesting bits, such as Jeff and Kristie, were pretty interesting.
And, of course, one of my reviews wouldn't be complete without my favorite quotes.
I really like Corphish. He can really make me laugh...Corphish emerged from the red beam and stood, facing the Sandshrew.
“<Somebody call PBS because Hammie the Hamster escaped and now he’s a hardass!>” Corphish taunted his opponent.
“Corphish… uhh… use… erm… ” Jeff acted as if this was his first battle and he had never seen a Corphish in his life; too much was racing in his mind.
“<Jeff, you must be a Russian dictator…because you are STALIN’.>”
Anyway, this is pretty interesting. You've improved by quite a bit since you started. I can't guarantee I can keep up with each chapter, but you've got me interested, and I always will read a good Journey Fic.
So anyway, here is an extract from the punctuation section of Dragonfree's writing guide, which makes it much clearer than I ever could and is pretty much where I learnt how to properly punctuate stuff in speech marks myself.
Yours is accurate nearly all of the time, I just noticed the occasional case of example two.Now, for the evil... PUNCTUATION AROUND QUOTATION MARKS!
Now... who can tell me which of the following is correct?
* "I know." He said.
* "I know." he said.
* "I know," he said.
* "I know" he said.
The answer is the third one: "I know," he said. Why is it so? Well, you're still continuing the same sentence.
Imagine that direct quotes were not enclosed in quotation marks. Then these examples would look like this:
* I know. He said.
* I know. he said.
* I know, he said.
* I know he said.
Now, don't the other three just look kinda wrong now? In the first one, "He said" is made into an individual sentence, suggesting that what he said is completely unrelated to "I know". In the second one, we have the same problem, except that the H is lowercase, which is obviously wrong because we always use a capital letter after a period. In the fourth one, it sounds like you know he said something, which is again not the intended meaning. Only the third one works.
Did you state yet that you changed the prologue? (didn't read any previous posts)
Anyways. that was a great chapter, and it's obvious you're getting better in description. I like the leader personality you gave to Daedalus and I hope you stick with it.
One problem, though...
GREATLY contradicts with...the field was the size of a football field.
and...The gym was about the size of a warehouse.
That's a pretty amazing feat. It'd take me about 15 minutes (probably more) to walk that distance. There are a few other thing that don't fit with the whole "size of a football field thing". You may want to change that...Roxanne suggested, starting to traipse along the rocky field.
Can't wait until the next update!
love me, hate me ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬&
Yeah, Jeff and Treecko...I know that that scene seems a bit too..."Ashy" to say the least, but it actually is a part of a few prominant themes in my fic Spoiler:- :
Its really all part of their characters and dynamics.
Thanks for the character compliment and the description is a work in progress. I now have an idea of where I want to go with the plot, so thats good.
Thanks for reading, reviewing and sticking around.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Thanks for reviewing Glajummy.
Pre chapter authors notes.
A few things.
-It's not exactly a happy chapter.
-It's from Treecko's POV
I did not put the "<___>" aroung Treecko's thoughts because I thought it would take away from it...but I still italicized the thoughts.
The Breaking Point
We, the gang of four, started to walk up the hill, away from the river where we… I defeated Daggerback, and back onto the pathways. Jeff and I stood at opposite ends of the line; he was at the front and I was in the back. The apprehension was still hot between us. The midnight bode a soothing wind.
I saw Daedalus poke Corphish on the shell and he whispered something inaudible to him.
“<Hey, Corppy, do you feel a tension here?>”
“<Yeah I do. I think that Nidoking dislocated a portion of my shell,>” Corphish whispered back.
“<No, I mean between Jeff and Treecko, ever since I made that plan they’ve been pretty p*ssed at each other.>”
I didn’t know or care what those two were talking about, but I could only assume it was about me. I shot a bright green, seed-shaped projectile from behind Daedalus and hit my target, Jeff, in the back. Jeff cried out and whirled around glaring at me. I grinned rebelliously and shifted the twig in my mouth as if nothing happened. Daedalus decided to cover for me, for reasons which fail me, and told him, “<It was a bug.>”
Jeff turned around, grumbling. Corphish looked at me. “<You know, I really don’t see it!>” Corphish whispered back to Taillow, sarcastically. “<Actually, ever since the Petalburg incident, Jeff has been more irritable; he has been giving Treeck an especially hard time.>”
“<The... ‘Petalburg incident’?>”
“<Yeah, before we got to Petalburg Forest, we were traveling with a human girl, who Jeff had a huge crush on. When we got to Petalburg City Jeff met his most FAVORITE of best friends. Although Jeff beat him in a battle, the girl went for Jeff’s rival. His heart was broken and here we are!>”
“<But why does he go off on Treecko?>”
“<I think they’re both having bad days.>”
They finished what ever it was that they were talking about when Jeff turned around and asked, “What are you two whispering about back there?”
“<Oh, we were seeing how low we could talk without being heard…you lose, Featherhead!>” Corphish answered, turning to Daedalus.
We reentered the dark Petalburg Forest. Mist encased the trunks of the trees as well as the underbrush, creating an eerie feeling in the darkness.
“Dae, get up here! You’re on point!” Jeff called behind him. “You know these woods like the back of your hand…claw…wing? Don’t you?”
Daedalus chirped and flew up on top of Jeff’s head. Daedalus outstretched his wing, pointing to the quickest route out of here, like a compass. Jeff followed the direction of the dark blue wing until he would shift it, pointing to another direction, in which case Jeff would change directions.
“It’s a good thing we have Daedalus here as a guide,” Jeff stated aloud.
“<Yeah, otherwise you’d never get out of here alone,>” I mocked him, half kidding and half annoyed from earlier.
“Watch it, PAL, unless you want me to set you up with a lifetime contract as a mascot for a car insurance dealership,” Jeff retorted with seriousness.
A silence ensued as everyone kept to themselves.
“<We’re about at the halfway point. I say we should take a break, we’re all pretty beat,>” Daedalus suggested.
“Yeah, ok, good idea,” responded Jeff, sitting against a poplar tree with Taillow still on his head.
Corphish lay down near Jeff and I leaned against a medium sized tree trunk of a large oak, a couple yards away from them.
After a long silence, Daedalus piped up and asked morosely, “<Hey… Jeff? Do you mind if I… say goodbye to my friends? They’re probably worried about me… and I have to break it to them that I’m not going to be leading them anymore.>”
I carefully inspected Jeff’s face. I could see a large weight sunk in Jeff’s heart as a revelation struck him. He had probably realized that he had taken these pokemon away from their homes to fight for him. He had already had a rough time feeling comfortable with us battling for him… he didn’t even THINK about the fact that we had past lives before he came along. By his long pause I guessed that he became very disgusted with himself.
Jeff awoke from his deep trance and answered with empathy, “Oh…yeah of course, Daedalus.” He went back to his thoughts.
Daedalus flapped his wings to try and take off from Jeff’s head. He got airborne but found himself being held back by something. Daedalus’ sharp talons were tangled in Jeff’s dense, dark brown hair.
“<Erg, Jeff my feet are stuck!>” Daedalus informed him, trying to fly with all of his might out.
“Ow, ow, OW! I’ve noticed, Daedalus,” Jeff groaned while his hair was pulled.
“<Hey, Corppy, wanna give us a hand?>” Daedalus chirped in irritation.
“<Hah! And miss this? Yeah, OKAY!>” Corphish laughed, mocking the situation.
“Damn it, Corphish,” Jeff growled. Daedalus began pecking at the roots of Jeff’s hairs to try and cut them, but his feet were tangled in too well.
“<Jeff, why don’t you ask Treecko for help?>” the Taillow trilled in question, flapping frantically.
“I don’t think so, we don’t need his –ow- help, just keep –ow- trying!” he adamantly replied, not realizing that his voice carried in the forest.
I turned my eyes towards them. Their eyes met with mine. I pretended that I was unaltered by the words, but really, the words sunk pretty deeply. I know Jeff was stubborn but he should know that I’d be always willing to help him. I let the words slide off my back as much as I could. I closely eyed the twig that was resting in my mouth. I took it out and inspected it before closing my eyes. What was wrong with Jeff? How can a girl change someone so much? I want him to be like he was when we first met… when he actually seemed to enjoy my company. When will he be normal?
I thought about when we were traveling from Littleroot to Petalburg. Those were awesome but that damned city changed it. I let out a sharp grunt from my nostrils and turned my eyes back.
“<Could you talk any louder?>” Corphish whispered to Jeff.
Daedalus gave a nod to me, in indication to help them. I responded with a disagreeing shake of the head. He pressed his wings together in a pleading manner. I turned away, uninterested.
“<Corphish, get over here!>” Daedalus chirped. Corphish scuttled up onto Jeff’s right shoulder. The Taillow continued to quietly peep instructions, “<Put one of your legs in Jeff’s ear so he won’t hear us.>”
“<Ew, no! I don’t know where that ear has been!>” Corphish complained.
“<Oh just do it, you yellow-belly!>” Daedalus coerced, irritated.
“<Fine, but I’ll have you know that my underbelly is a very pretty, pale, ‘yellow mist’ color, thank you very much!>” Corphish scoffed, putting an orange leg in Jeff’s ear.
“Hey, Corphish, get your foot out of my ear!” Jeff told him.
“<Sorry, I thought your earlobe was a shoe horn,>” Corphish replied, keeping his foot in there. Then he ordered, “<Quick, Featherhead, say what you’re going to say!>”
“<Go over to Treecko and tell him to help us and say I’ll give him my next meal in return.>”
“Corphish, if your foot gets stuck in there too…”
I briefly glanced over to watch the ridiculous antics of Corphish and Daedalus. Normally I might have been slightly amused by this scene… but not now. I was too busy thinking about how Jeff changed and what I could do to get him back to normal. I shut my eyes again. I felt a familiar sensation in my tail.
It’s going to rain soon.
My tail always did that. Whenever it was about to rain I got that preemptive feeling. It was both a blessing and a curse. I was able to prepare for the upcoming weather but the anticipation for the rain dampened my spirits before the actual showers could dampen my twig.
“<Fine,>” Corphish said before being picked up and placed on the ground by Jeff. Corphish heard the unmistakable scuttle of Corphish coming towards me, I had my eyes closed. I didn’t bother listening to the two pokemon’s conversation.
“<Hey Gr…>” Corphish began to greet me. I immediately shot open my eyes and gave him a glare that chilled Corphish to his soul. He knew not to ever call me that and I wasn’t going to let him forget it. Corphish, who now feared for his life, hastily corrected himself. “<…eecko. Grieco. Richard Grieco was great in 21 Jump Street, wasn’t he?>” he said in a very unsmooth manner.
“<What do you want, Corphish?>” I asked him, exasperated.
“<Can you please help Daedalus out of Jeff’s hair; he says he’ll give you his next meal.>”
“<Why should I?>” I sassily responded.
Corphish blinked twice “<…for the reason I JUST told you.>” Annoyed, I closed my eyes and continued to chew on my twig. Corphish began to walk back to Daedalus and Jeff. He stopped upon my words, “<Fine.>” Before he knew it, he felt my green tail hit him in the back. Corphish went flying towards Daedalus. He hit the bird pokemon and the scalp of Jeff’s head. The Taillow went sailing out of Jeff’s hair, taking several strands of hair with him. Corphish landed upside down, Jeff was knocked over, but Daedalus managed to recover from the hit in the air and remain airborne.
“<Thanks, T-cko,>” Daedalus called, before flying off to say farewell to his friends.
“ARGH, DAMNIT!” Jeff shouted, holding his aching head.
Corphish looked up at Jeff with an innocent face before glaring at me. I let out a snort with a smug grin.
Jeff scowled at me. I knew this smug grin p*ssed him off to no end. I could tell that he wanted to drive his knee into my head, but he always forgave it. It was frustratingly cool AND lovable.
The pain had set off Jeff’s last nerve. Jeff countered the pain with a sharp yell, “What the hell was that, Treecko?!”
“<What? They said ‘free Daedalus’ so I did,>” I replied, hiding a malicious smile.
“You didn’t have to hit Corphish into us!”
“<Well apparently I did!>”
“That’s it, Treecko! I respect your love of independence and your loner tendencies, but this is ridiculous! You have to draw the line somewhere; you can’t go around doing WHATEVER you want!”
“<And why not? Don’t we all have a right to? I mean, you can go around catching us pokemon on a whim! We’re entitled to at least some freedom or else we’d might as well be caged animals!>” I shot back in a way that I knew would burden his conscience.
I watched as those words hit Jeff’s already heavy guilt, hard. He began to speak in a quieter, more empathetic tone. “I see what you’re saying Treecko, but just tone it down a little, please?”
“<Maybe, maybe not,>” I replied. I was now being difficult purely for the sake of being difficult. I really shouldn’t have been but I had to prove my point.
“Treecko…when I lose my patience…my hand tends to reach for one of my empty pokeballs, and when I get one of those in my hand I automatically point it at the nearest pokemon…” Jeff explained in a soft, but threatening, tone.
A chill went up my spine. Was he serious? He wouldn’t do that after all of this… would he? “<You wouldn’t!>” I answered with a hurt scowl.
He knows how much I hate that damned prison, to even BLUFF using that is too far! As long as the thing remained in his hands the chills remained to go through my body.
Jeff nodded, strongly, and enlarged the red and white pokeball, not daring to show weakness in what I initially thought was his bluff.
I retorted with fervor, “<You can confine me to that pokeball…but that would make you a hypocrite and a liar. You’d also have to face the lonesome road, without your beloved Kristie, who is probably asleep next to Alan right now, so I hope you’re ready to fayeayeay...>” I then trailed off. Before I could finish the word “face”, I had realized what I had been saying.
Man, I’m an idiot…
The Kristie incident was still fresh in his mind and I tossed it about as if were a pinecone. I studied Jeff’s appalled and betrayed expression. I knew that I had crossed the line.
Meanwhile, Corphish was shifting in his spot, frantically jutting his head between the two arguers, uncomfortably. “<Oh… my… Arceus! I think there’s a Golem crushing me because I couldn’t be any more stuck between a rock and a hard place!>”
I really didn’t mean to say that.
I walked apologetically towards him. I stumbled backwards in shock when he lightly smacked me up the side of my twig-loving head. It was just hard enought to get the point across. I withstood the anger-induced blow and bit my lip. I saw his hand shaking while he retracted it. My mouth was left hanging open while I fingered the red hand mark.
Did he just… hit me?
Although I was mentally hurt by the action, I knew I deserved it and more. But still… he HIT me. JEFF hit me. Tears began to fill my eyes but none made it past the ducts… I wouldn’t let them. With a new sense of fear I backed away from him. I looked at Corphish who didn’t even make a joke to break the tension; all he did was stare in shock. I jutted my head around.
What should I do?
Should I run? Run away from the situation and come back when things have cooled?
Should I approach Jeff? What if he struck me again?
Should I retaliate? I couldn’t do that. Not even if I wanted to.
Would he apologize? Did he feel bad about hitting me? Would he do it again? Did he still value me as a friend?
I held my reddened face and turned around, trying to collect myself.
I took a hard swallow and turned back around. I would do my first line of defense. If this didn’t work… then I don’t know what’s next. My usually calm words shook as I spoke in an unthreatening way. “<Jeff…look, I’m…>” I attempted to apologize, but he cut me off.
“No! You’re right!” he retorted.
I almost flinched; worried that he’d strike me again. My heart was racing and my feelings were almost pouring out of my throat.
“You were right about Daedalus’ plan, you were right about Kristie, you’re right about being alone! So you made your point. Now go bugger off you stubborn, little, smug reptile! Go be…free!” he said with frustration. Jeff turned away from us and lay sideways on the forest bed.
It was like I had been kicked in the teeth. I stood there, devastated. Did he really want me gone? I think the slap confirmed that. I walked towards him a step but then stopped. My face scrunched when I turned defiantly towards the forest.
I knew this journey was too good to be true.
I didn’t want to lose a friend over me being as stubborn as a Tauros… as well as acting like an overall prick. I walked six feet into the forest and slumped sadly behind a tree. I’d might as well go to sleep. Maybe this would blow over later.
For lack of anybody else, I tightly squeezed my tail for warmth. Thoughts burdened my brain and heart as I went to sleep.
I opened my eyes to hear screams and battle yells coming from below me, all around. I looked upwards; I could only look upwards. I saw the dizzying trunk of a massive tree tower, as if a ladder to the moon and stars. Large, lush branches jutted out from the trunk, making an immense canopy.
I couldn’t move; it was as if I was tied to the branch I was on. I could see fellow Treeckos jumping down on branches and crawling on all fours towards and past me, as if I wasn’t there. Below I could hear the yells of humans and Treeckos alike. Preceding the cries of my brethren was an electrostatic zap, while the familiar thumps of our tails and the slices of blades came before the human’s yells.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see a bright orange gleam in the night. I tried to move but still couldn’t.
“<They’ve got the head Sceptile!>” I heard the sharp cry of a Grovyle yell.
I took notice of the raspy, nasally cry of a Sceptile, although I could not see him, “<Velox! You’re in charge! You and the rest defend that tree with your lives! Don’t let these filthy brutes take our home!>” The voice called as it slowly got farther away. The Grovyle let out a massive, frustrated howl and the cries of humans became more frequent.
This all seemed so familiar. I needed to help them.
I could see smoke rise from beneath me. I could see the fire grow higher. I struggled to move. I cringed and tried to call out while the heat from the burning element numbed my skin. It was torturous. I felt as if I should dead any second, but it just didn’t come fast enough. I squirmed in my place when I knew the bottom of the branch I was on began to burn. Sweat dropped from my body. I knew the fire would touch me at any second.
Why wasn’t anyone helping me?
It was like the walls of a room were closing in on a pokemon with claustrophobia. The anticipation wrenched my insides around until what was left must have only been a jumble of organs tied together like a ball of yarn.
I had to get out of here. Something was going to happen…I could feel it.
I heard a familiar, deep, human’s voice. “But why are you helping me? You don't know me!”
Where have I heard that before? The voice continued, but in a different tone as if it was said at a different occasion. “You didn’t have to find me to give this back! I was perfectly capable…”
The voice became faster and more frequent in its intervals.
“Ok, so now the poison will only eat away at my leg.”
“If you’re as stubborn as I am, we’re going to be in big trouble.”
The voice became more rapid, harsher, and it boomed from all around me.
“All that time I waited for you and you just let yourself be captured?”
“Damnit, Treecko, stop it! It’s over!”
“Oh sure, laugh it up.”
“Ok…we’ll go your way.”
“Tell that to yourself when you’re surrounded by a group of fire type pokemon.”
“You say that because you’re the only one of your species in this general area! You don’t have to compete for women! You probably take and leave as you please...like Alan would.”
“Now I see what Professor Birch means with his stubbornness and independence.”
“Oh, shut up.”
The voices engulfed me and repeated themselves with overwhelming tempo, gradually getting louder.
The last thing said was a booming sentence. “Now go bugger off you stubborn, little, smug reptile! Go be…free!”
My eyes shot open. I felt either dried tears or perhaps dew crusted on the corners of my eyes. Chances were that it was the former option.
Jeff had woken me up with a soft nudge. I must have shifted several feet away from where I fell asleep, in my sleep. Jeff looked at me with sympathetic eyes. He must have known that I had a rough sleep so he decided to spare me the nightmare.
I have to get out of here.
I looked upwards and saw a different tree. The darkness of the sky competed with the coming sunrise. Right now the darkness was still winning as everything was still black. I got to my feet and walked over to Jeff and the sleeping Corphish. It had seemed that Taillow was still gone. If he was ever coming back was beyond me. Jeff was crouched over a small fire, boiling an insta-heat cup of noodles. He didn’t acknowledge me; he had the white vines of a white, music emitting device in his ear. I lightly pulled the things out of his ear. The sad sounding song from the earphones began to play loudly on the ground; I had no idea how to stop them so I continued saying what I was trying to say.
“<…Jeff? I need to talk to you,>” I said with remorseful quietness.
He remained silent, facing away from me.
“<Jeff, please hear me out…>” I continued, talking over the song.
All he did was lower his head and prod at the scorching coals of the fire.
I backed away from him and sighed. The clouds smothered over the pink sunrise. A light shower began to pour. The dispersed rain droplets hit around our campsite.
This is it.
I tried to move around Corphish, but I accidentally kicked one of his pincers. He woke up with a jolt.
“<Is it time for Baywatch?!>” he yelled in a nonsensical manner. He looked around and sighed, “<Oh… what are you doing, T-Cko?>”
“<I’m leaving,>” I replied, firmly.
“<Shouldn’t I at least call our divorce lawyer first?>”
Not amused, I began to turn to walk into the dark forest. I looked back at Jeff. Jeff turned an eye to the action.
I had screwed up.
“You’re leaving? But…but…” Jeff stammered.
“<You did tell me to leave, didn’t you?>”
Jeff was at a loss for words. Rain became more frequent and the drops bigger.
“I can’t understand…” he replied in pure shock.
“<I’ll be fine. You don’t deserve the pain that I was inflicting upon you. I’m sorry… goodbye, Jeff.>”
“I don’t know what you’re saying!” he tried to explain, beginning to panic.
“<YOU DID TELL ME TO… >” I attempted to reiterate.
Obviously picking up on the fact that I was reiterating my earlier words, he yelled in frustration, “I MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU! ALL I HEAR IS TREE CKO CKO TREE TREECKO!” He collapsed to his knees and held his forehead in what must have been head splitting frustration.
I could see what was the remainder of Jeff’s soul shatter.
My jaw dropped.
…He can’t hear me? But why?! I wasn’t saying anything complex! Was it because I…
I stared in shock at my former pal. I wanted to go and comfort him… try to help him… be with him… but I could already feel my legs running in the other direction.
Why did you do that? Because he hit you. He told you to leave!
I couldn’t handle what I had just put my friend through, so I ran.
Just keep running.
“<Wait, T-cko! Come back! Treecko!>” Corphish began to run after me.
I could also hear the heavy steps of Jeff.
“<Treecko, please! Come back!>”
Don’t look back.
I couldn’t let myself look back even if I wanted to. The unmistakable pounding of Jeff’s feet in the grass grew louder and closer. Corphish lagged far behind. Jeff was running along right beside me. He leapt over a large root protruding from the forest bed. He let out a pained grown before falling flat on his face; he had been running so fast to keep up with me that the speed that he fell with gave him no time to brace the impact. He went from standing to prone in a matter of seconds. I stopped running and slowly neared my friend. He was sprawled on his stomach so that his face was buried in his arms and moss. I noticed that his shoe was one meter behind him. His sock was soaked with ruby blood. In the center of the fresh blood was a golden badge; the sharp chevron of the award was lodged in and jutting out his right foot. The badge, shining in the moonlight, dug deep into his sole… but I think that it was the least of his worries.
Should I help him? Does he want my help? Is he ok?
I ran. Like a coward I ran from my friend. I ran and hid behind a tree many meters away. I looked back at Jeff, who still had his face buried in his arms. I watched Jeff, who lay there in his sorrow, probably wondering ‘where did it all go wrong?’.
You’re pathetic, Treecko. You’re no friend of Jeff. You don’t deserve to have friends.
I tightly shut my eyes and stayed pressed against a tree. I used my eyelids as a dam for all the emotions that were building up inside. Corphish had caught up to Jeff and began to inspect him.
I turned and saw a tear glint in Jeff’s darkened head. It was the only thing I could see from his shadow covered face.
The guilt and sadness that flooded me grew unbearable.
I watched the twig drop from his mouth to the ground, followed by a tear. A gust of wind blew through the forest. Corphish tried to encourage Jeff and ask where I went but Jeff either ignored or couldn’t comprehend him. He was lost in his own thoughts, unable to get out. Corphish walked away from Jeff to continue to follow me.
You’re leaving Jeff all alone. Abandoned.
Nothing you can say can change it. Because of you nothing would be the same.
You destroyed him.
Watching Jeff made my eyes begin to water. It was my fault that he was like this. That guilt and anger at myself created a massive ball that swelled in my head like a tumor. Why? Why did I have to be so stubborn?
Come on! Are you a Chikorita or are you a Treecko?! So calm down! Calm…Calm. Besides he’s a just a human. Why are you so sad about leaving a filthy, two faced, evil human?! They’re all alike. You’ve seen it before!
Never. Never in my life had I cried. I wasn’t about to let myself breakdown now. My vision of him on the ground began to distort and blur. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but I found myself choking on it, gasping for air and words. I never thought that withholding emotions would ever have to be this hard. I wanted to call out to him but I knew the action would be futile.
I began to run again. Corphish spotted me and raced to follow.
“<Treeck! Come back here… NOW!>”
I continued to run. I jumped aptly over roots and ducked under branches. I refused to look back, as I would only remember what it was that I was leaving behind.
Why I ran I didn’t even know anymore. All that I knew was that I couldn’t go back. Corphish closely followed me, I could tell by the rapid sounds of legs on the ground.
Go back, pal. Don’t do what I did.
“<You’d better slow down, you b*stard! You can’t just leave!>”
I couldn’t even speak to defend myself; all I did was continue to dash.
I knew I was far ahead of Corppy. He would hold this against me, but that was the least of my worries.
All of a sudden I could feel wet, ball-like projectiles hit the back of my legs; the orbs exploded and threw me into a roll. I spiraled onto the ground.
I rolled over to get up but Corphish jumped on my chest. My jaw seared with pain when I felt his damp claw smash across my face. On the side of my face that was forced in the mud, I could feel a tear try to escape my eye. I quickly blinked it back.
You’re right Corphish; I’m not holding this against you. I shouldn’t leave. But I have to.
Corphish brought his claws against my face two more times. My head was driven further into the mud. Although the rain fell hard on my face, I knew that two tears had poured from my eyes. I quickly shut my eyes and clenched my teeth.
Those tears were not from the pain or the fact that Corphish was hitting me. They were from the fact that I knew I was doing the wrong thing, I was leaving Jeff because after all that I did I couldn’t go back. I was running from my problems and leaving my best friend by himself. I allowed for three seconds of weakness.
I stared at the twig in my mouth and subconsciously allowed two more tears to flow from my eyes. Keeping my eyes shut, I growled and continued to stick my finger in the hole of the leaking dam. If I let this trickle of emotions to continue, the dam would explode, and I would be engulfed... never to resurface to normalcy.
“<What the hell do you think you’re doing?>” Corphish yelled at me, rain dripping off his shell and onto my face. He clamped his claws on my shoulder, keeping my head in the muddy ground.
“<I… I’m leaving,>” I explained.
“<You can’t leave; we both know it! So swallow your pride, Kristie!>”
“<Yeah that's right, you stubborn wood gecko, you’re no better than her! Right now you’re the most important thing to him and you’re about to take that away with one action!>”
The words had hit hard, but I knew he was right.
“<I’m worse than her; she didn’t even know that Jeff liked her, but I know that we are… were best friends. I can’t go back after what happened.>”
“<Yes you can! GO BACK YOU COWARD… or are your tails too far between your legs to do so!?>”
“<I CAN’T!>” I yelled, shoving him off of me. His claws tore the flesh on my shoulders as he was pushed off. I began to run away from Corphish again.
He didn’t have any idea how hard this was… but it was something I had to do…for Jeff’s sake. The reasons clouded my head like an electrical storm, zapping all light and clouding good judgment.
I tore the twig from my mouth and placed the mouthpiece in the mud covered ground; it stuck upwards like a beacon. I stared at the accessory that I carried with me for years. I remembered the day I had taken it… and every day up to today. Every argument, every laugh, and every moment. One final tear escaped my guard, although my face remained unaltered and serious. It trickled off of my nose and landed beside the twig. Corphish began to catch up with me so I ran off. And with the twig, I left my heart and soul with it.
Emptiness… more empty than I had previously felt. When the leak in the dam stopped, so did the river which flowed. It was barren.
I have to get out of here.
Daedalus soared in the cool breeze, pivoting around trees. The rain drops hit his feathers and rolled off. He didn’t seem to mind the rain so much as the his mission. He took a hard left and landed in a large oak canopy. Five Taillows swarmed onto the branches around him, creating a circle.
“<Daedalus? Is it really you?!>” one of the Taillows chirped in excitement.
“<We were sure that damned human had you!>” trilled another.
Daedalus cleared his throat before replying. “<Yes, Gallus, it’s really me,>” he replied in a forced smile through his sadness. His grin faded before his next words. “<The human… Jeff… DID get me, Ornithos. That’s why I’m here.>”
This statement caused a storm of chirps to be unleashed.
“<Please! Please settle down!>”
“<You’re not actually going! You’re here to hide, right?!>” the Taillow named Gallus squawked in hope and denial.
Daedalus looked guiltily down at his claws. Rain dripped off his head and slid down to his beak. The face said it all.
“<But you can’t leave! You’re our best friend and the only one who knows what the hell to do!>” another Taillow tweeted in protest.
“<What if the Spearows come back?!>” asked Ornithos.
“<Struthios will make a great leader in my place! You guys are all tough… you can fight them off with no problem. I’ve seen you do it before. You were all brave and we came out triumphant… thanks to looking out for one another…>” Daedalus encouraged, but his voice began to be interrupted by tears. Fortunately the rain also washed away his tears but still he turned his head away.
“<Besides, I promise I’ll come back whenever I can. The human I’m with is actually very nice and he lets us do whatever we want; he’s not controlling and doesn’t make us battle until we drop. I can assure that if I wanted to come back to visit, he’d let me and he’d probably come, too! I’m sure he’d want to meet all of you!>” Daedalus reassured through his tears.
Sadness filled the tree canopy. The rain seemed to pour heavier on them.
“<I wish you didn’t have to go,>” quietly chirped Struthios.
“<Don’t be afraid, I’ll return. If the Spearows overrun you or if you guys want company… come and find us. We won’t be far.>”
“<Goodbye, Daedalus. You’ll always be the best leader we’ve ever had.>”
They all exchanged in a large final embrace before Daedalus turned his back to them.
“<I’ll be back…>” Daedalus quietly whispered. Daedalus flapped his wings and jumped from the large branch. He began to fly away into the rain.
“<Ok, boys!>” ordered Struthios. The five Taillows put their wings to their foreheads in a salute and, in unison, chirped, “TAAIIIILLLOOOW.”
Daedalus looked back at the final salute while flying, tears leaving his eyes and streaming in the wind. He left his friends behind him.
“<I promise… I’ll be back.>”
Corphish panted to keep up with me, the long-legged wood gecko. All of a sudden, I stopped dead in my tracks. A faint flap of wings was heard. It became louder. I guessed that it was Daedalus coming back from his friends. Only the red and white of Daedalus’ chest could be seen moving in the rainy, night sky. The red and white stopped moving and sat on a branch above us.
“<Corppy? T-cko? What’s going on? I got back to where we set up camp; you two were gone and Jeff wasn’t talking! He seemed really torn up about something,>” chirped Daedalus in an accusing manner.
“<I’m leaving!>” I replied.
“<What?>” he trilled in disbelief.
“<Treeck and Jeff had a bit of a disagreement. Some words were exchanged and some lovable Corphishes were made very uncomfortable. Now T-cko here wants to pack up his tail and leave!>”
“<That’s ridiculous, Treecko! You can’t just leave us over one argument! It couldn’t have been that bad!>” Daedalus insisted.
I gave him a look. “<Last night he told me to leave. And, today, when I told him I was leaving… something happened to him… he can't understand us anymore...>”
“<Ok, so he was PMSing, everyone has bad days! It happens!>”
“<I’m going. It’s best that I respect at least ONE of his commands,>” I muttered, heavy heartedly.
“<If you aren’t going to stay for Jeff, at least stay… for the kids!>” coerced Corphish. He put on a sad face, and placed his claw around Daedalus’ shoulder.
I put on a solemn grin, closed my eyes, and shook my head.
“<Tell Jeff…I’m sorry,>” I told them, when I pushed by them they both looked at each other and nodded.
“<If you’re leaving, I’m leaving!>” Corphish blurted, walking to my side.
“<I’m not staying here alone with him! No offense to Jeff.>”
“<What? You guys can’t leave!>”
“<And why not?! You get to!>” Daedalus had a point there.
“<If you leave, Jeff is going to be there all alone, and especially after that Kristie incident. That will be overwhelming for him. Who knows what he might do?>” Corphish added.
“<You two take care of him!>”
“<Look, Treeck!>" Corphish began, "<You were there from the start! You were his first pokemon, his first friend on this travel. You were always there for him. You battled for him. You bled for him. He bled for you! You were there when Kristie broke his heart. Afterwards you were the one who tried to pick up the pieces. We STILL need you to pick up the pieces. HE needs you. You and we all know that he doesn’t want you gone.>”
Daedalus looked shocked at Corphish’s strong words. He decided to follow up. “<As much as you think you can’t go back, you CAN! We all can have fresh starts. Just explain the situation to him and I know he’ll understand. In fact, when you go back he’ll be so happy to see you; you probably won’t even need to talk to him! So come back with us!>”
“<I CAN’T!>” I roared in defiance.
It wasn’t that simple! I couldn’t just go back and act like nothing happened!
“<Why? Why can’t you go back when you have every reason to?! Is it that you don’t want to go back with your tail between your legs? Or do you WANT to be alone?!>” coerced Daedalus.
“<Well I… yes... I DO want to be alone! Jeff slapped me for Arceus’ sakes! I know I deserved it, but I still can’t believe he actually went through with it! I mean, he hit ME, his best friend and first pokemon! I don’t even think he feels bad about it!>”
“<Look, he was angry! It was an impulse! Of course he feels bad about it!>” the two pokemon chimed in together.
“<It’s not that he hurt me… well it’s not that I was hurt. It IS that HE hurt me. But, it’s also that he scolded me with the strike… you just don’t… I don’t know!>” I tried to explain my point of view in a volley of clumsy stammers.
“<Just come back with us!>” Daedalus pleaded.
I sighed and looked off into the dawn through the beautiful, lush trees. “<… I can’t face him.>”
Corphish was becoming annoyed. “<Look, Treeck! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way!>”
They just weren’t listening!
I shot him a glare. “<… Do it the hard way.>”
With those words, I started to try to run, but found myself pinned on the ground in seconds flat. I tried to struggle to get free, but Corphish had clamped down on my tail and Daedalus had wrapped his talons around my hands.
“<Now we’re going home whether you like it or not!>”
Corphish led the way back. Daedalus had lifted me off the ground; my hands were still in his talons. Corphish still clamped my tail, making sure I didn’t try anything else. Unable to do anything, I felt ridiculous. I tried to wiggle my hands free from the claws but it was pointless. Although he had trouble flying my weight, Daedalus had excellent grip and he wasn’t about to let go.
Why don’t I just do things the easy way? Why must it always be the hard way?
We could see the smoke from the campfire. Jeff was in a squatting position, looking into the burning coals of the fire. Before Jeff knew we were behind him and that I was being forced against my will to come back, Daedalus released me from his hold, dropping me to the ground. Corphish was still skeptical of freeing me, but he did so with a whisper. “<Try anything… and next time I’ll clamp your big head instead…>” He made a snapping motion with his claws. I shot him a cold look and began to near the sulking human.
I approached Jeff and crawled onto his shoulder, just to show that I wasn’t completely angry at him. He looked up with a sleep deprived face and nodded. “Hi, Treecko.”
I walked up to him and placed a hand on his back. I said, “<Hi Jeff,>” but I could see in his eyes that all he heard was pokespeech. Dismayed, I just patted his back.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… I still can’t understand you… or what you’re saying, but you can understand me.”
Corphish and Daedalus gathered around, also. Jeff let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you and Taillow said; about being taken away from those who you care about to travel and fight; when I don’t even do the fighting myself. It’s unfair to you guys and it makes me seem like I have superiority over you. I’m not better than you guys! I want to make it clear that I value each of you as equal to me; I mean you’re all intelligent creatures, capable of feelings and speech! Well now the bounds are off; Daedalus, you can go back and lead your friends. Corphish, you can go back to your lake and woo female Corphish with your… dancing. And Treecko, pal, you can go back to your tree. None of you should feel pressured to be here. I thank all of you for sticking around as long as you have,” he exclaimed with a shaky sadness.
We were all shocked by the offer. Corphish broke the long pause with a joke. “<Why would I go back there when I could get rejected by new and different Corphish? At least then it would not be as awkward as it would if I had to ask the same girls, again.>”
Jeff looked at Corphish. I think he got the gist from the light-heartedness that Corphish was saying that he was staying.
The Taillow was currently fence sitting. The indecision tore at him. He finally gave a definite chirp. “<I appreciate the offer, Jeff, but I think I’ll stay with you.>”
Jeff blinked, unsure what he had said. Only time would tell him.
Jeff was silent for a minute and then looked at me. Our eyes locked as we tried to read what the other was thinking. The deep exchange lasted many moments. Both of us waited for the other to say something, since my answer depended on what Jeff said, but I didn’t know what he was waiting for. Jeff gulped and broke the silence, “What about you, Treecko? Do you want to stick around or do you want to take the lone road?” Jeff subconsciously stopped breathing while he nervously awaited my answer.
A small wave of optimistic relief hit me. Still, something ate away at me. I breathed a sigh and answered, “<Jeff…you couldn’t pry me away from here if you tried. Besides, what’s the point of being alone if you’re by yourself?>”
To reiterate that I was staying, I playfully punched and proceeded to hug his head. Something that I was sure I would never do again. Daedalus and Corphish joined in the hug.
He beamed and hugged us tightly back. I felt two drops of water hit my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if they were his tears or rain… but I was sheltered from the rain.
“You guys are great friends, you know that?” The other two grinned modestly, while I nodded and placed my slender arms behind my head.
“<I’d hate to break this up, but what do you say we get moving?>” Daedalus told us. Jeff got to his feet with me still on his shoulder. I jumped back onto the ground. I felt like things still weren’t right between Jeff and me. I had a feeling he felt the same way.
“But what about your flock, Daedalus?” Jeff asked morosely, not expecting a response he could comprehend.
“<I’ve got a new flock now…>” he replied in profound thought. After staring off for awhile, he shook his head and continued to talk. “<Right-o, Jeff, I’m going to talk to my flock one last time. I’ll meet you on the outside of Petalburg Forest!>” The Taillow twittered before flying into the dawn sky.
“<Hey Daedalus? I need a favor… which I’ll return someday… in fact you can have the next meal you offered to me back,>” I explained with a hint of guilt in my voice.
“<Sure, T-Cko, what is it?>”
“<I need you to go get my…>” I told him but was interrupted by a human’s words which struck worry into my stomach.
“Treecko… what happened to your twig?”
As calmly as I could I made gestures saying that I was running and then I fell and it must have fell out. “Treecko cko tree tree?” I asked, motioning for Corphish to agree with me. Corppy quickly nodded. Daedalus nodded at me, knowing what I was going to ask, and took to the air. We watched the tiny swallow pokemon fly off. Jeff looked at us frantically.
“What’s going on?! Where’s he going?! Is Daedalus leaving?!” Jeff grilled, wide eyed.
Corppy looked at him and shuck his head, confirming, “<No.>” Corphish pointed at me, placed a crude stick in his mouth, and then pointed at Daedalus, who was getting further and further away.
In relief, with Corphish now on his backpack and me walking behind him, Jeff began to walk through the forest in the direction that Daedalus had previously pointed him towards.
I was relieved that he was willing to take me back. I didn’t show any of my emotions though; he knew how I felt so I’m not going to show it in a public display of affection! … Or did he know how I felt?! He still couldn’t understand me! Was that permanent?! What if he thinks I’m still angry? Well I kind of am… but still! DOES he want me back or does he just feel obliged to take me along?
As those thoughts raced through my apathetic mind, we walked through the dimly-lit forest of Petalburg. I watched branches shift over head and thought. I thought about that dream I had. I thought about how I almost threw all of this away. I thought about what I was leaving behind. I thought about the risk that I was taking. Most importantly, I thought about whether or not to stay.
...continued in next post.
Last edited by Griff4815; 16th February 2009 at 12:12 AM.
Daedalus rocketed around trees, flying as fast as he could. He flew through the forest and began to circle around the area where he had met up with Treecko and Corphish. He landed on the earth and examined the terrain.
“<Hmm, tracks are leading from that direction… it’s probably around there. How am I supposed to find a single twig in the whole bloody forest?>”
The Taillow began to walk and he closely scanned the ground.
“<Most of all of the twigs have been washed away in the storm!>” He continued to follow the water flooded footprints and drag marks. Up ahead, he saw a twig jutting straight out of the ground. It had the same straight main stem with a second, smaller branch coming out of the middle, diagonally. Daedalus went to inspect it closer. There was dried, brown blood encrusted on the part where Treecko’s mouth would go.
“<Taurus’ eye!>” Daedalus grinned, picking the twig up in a claw before flying towards his flock’s roost.
“<I really don’t see what’s so big about this twig…>” thought Daedalus while he swerved around branches.
Daedalus hastily flew towards the tree where he last saw his flock. He landed on a thick branch and looked around the tree. It was barren. Daedalus let out a sigh and he hung his head.
“<I’m gonna miss this place.>”
Just then a dark blue and white wing came from behind him and covered his face.
“<Guess who?>” a playful trill asked.
Daedalus playfully thrust his head backwards colliding heads with the familiar voice. His head was released from feathery blindfold.
Without turning around, Daedalus grinned and replied. “<Hello, Struthios. Your guard is down as usual.>”
The Taillow flew in front of him and smiled, rubbing his own face. “<Or YOUR guard is always UP as usual.>”
They grinned and slapped wings together in a high-five like fashion.
“<It’s good to see you Struthios, where are the others?>”
“<I sent them out on border patrol. We recently had a Spearow infiltrate out lines.>”
“<Good thinking! See? I knew you’d be a good leader!>” Daedalus insisted, patting his buddy’s shoulder. “<I… I’m sorry about earlier. I was too abrupt and I was a bit too emotional, forgive me; it wasn’t very leader-like and I didn’t want to leave you guys like that.>”
“<It’s ok, Daedalus. We all felt the same way... I speak for all of us when I say we’re really sorry we turned tail when you got hit by that lizard’s attack. It wasn’t very comrade-like of us,>” replied Daedalus’ close friend.
“<No! It’s ok. You guys have saved me from life or death situations, you don’t have to be sorry for me getting captured by a human!>”
Struthios sadly looked at the branch below. “<How bad is it REALLY?>” he said with a grimace, expecting the worst.
“<It’s actually much better than I thought. The human is nice, although he seems as depressed as a Staraptor on rainy day. The pokemon are friendly… I guess.>”
“<Really?! Don’t you remember what happened over at Route 101?! All of the pokemon, including Spearows, came either here or Route 103! The over-population caused us to watch our territories all day and all night!>”
“<Yeah, I know. But Jeff, the human, isn’t like those ones. He cares about us, believe it or not!>”
“<It’s going to be hard without you. We’re all going to miss you. You were our best leader,>” Struthios began to snivel.
“<Now you’re their best leader.>” Daedalus lightly gave an encouraging punch with his wing. “<Struthios, you’ve always been one of my best soldiers. I know you’ll do great and I promise you I will be back soon!>”
“<Thanks, Daedalus. Come back very soon. I’ll tell the others you were here.>”
Daedalus nodded and they exchanged an informal wing shake and a grin.
“<One more thing Daedalus… what’s with the twig in your claw?>”
Daedalus replied with a smirk, “<If I see any Spearows, I’ll beat them with it for you.>”
Struthios gave him a laugh and waved him off. “<Don’t forget what you said, Daedalus!>”
Daedalus nodded and took flight.
Many minutes later, I heard Jeff cry out, “We’re out!” I saw the seemingly infinite ocean of tree canopy end and I could finally see the blue sky. It’s not that I don’t like tree canopies, but I wanted to get out of that forest… for now.
We sat near the edge of the forest, waiting for Dae. I spotted a small, wooden house and dock. It stood over the water on four sturdy stilts. It must have been that Briney-guy’s house. From behind us, we heard a loud, continuous trill, from that of a Taillow. Jeff raised his elbow for Daedalus to land on. He flapped his wings to force himself to slow down before perching on Jeff’s arm; his claws dug softly into Jeff’s arm, who seemed to be unaffected by the action. The twig in beak, Daedalus passed the twig to me. Although it helped… I still didn’t feel whole.
“<Thanks. We’re even now.>”
“<No problem, Treeck,>” he replied.
“<It’s about time, Featherhead!>” Corphish stated, with an impatient irritation.
“<I’m glad to see you, too, Corppy. Now, let’s get going! So where are we going and why?>”
Corphish paused about the answer and replied, “<If I told you… I’d have to kill you!>” He didn’t want to be the one to break the news that we were going to the gym.
The two others rode on Jeff, down a tarmac pathway, which led to the beach. I still walked beside them, wary and uncomfortable. Since it was the break of dawn the beach was basically deserted, with the exception of the occasional jogger and pokemon who strolled in the sand. His feet sunk into the sand with each stride when he walked towards the dock. I watched the blue-green waves splash up against the stilts of the dock, creating a calming ocean mist. He walked, with heavy steps, up the wooden steps to the dock. Jeff walked up to the door and knocked.
“Hello? Is this Mr. Briney’s house?” Jeff said in an uncertain, deep voice.
“Why yes it is.” An older man in a yellow fisherman’s cap and overcoat carefully opened the door, inspecting the visitors. “I suppose you are here to be ferried across to Dewford or the beach at Slateport?”
“Yeah, I am. I’ve got money if you need it,” Jeff suggested, fiddling with the twig in the corner of his mouth.
“Oh no, that’s ok. I transport people and pokemon just for the sheer pleasure of sailing across the deep blue sea,” The man said merrily.
“I’d really feel a lot better if I paid you,” Jeff insisted.
“Really, it’s ok,” Mr. Briney said as a white bird, with blue stripes on its wings, landed on his shoulder. “Peeko and I do this not-for-profit,” he smiled, scratching the beady-eyed Wingull behind its ears.
The stubborn idiot.
“<Let it go, Jeff.>” I looked to him. “<And if you can’t do that, then slip it in the cabin of the boat as we leave.>” I knew that he hated receiving charity; I did too. Unfortunately all that he heard was “Treecko cko, tree.” That could have meant anything in his ears. I bit my lip in frustration.
Mr. Briney locked the door to his house and walked along the wooden log deck. At the end of the dock was a medium sized, white schooner; it had a long, blue stripe going along the side of it. I noticed Jeff quickly slide a few bills into Mr. Briney’s mailbox. Typical Jeff. I grinned to myself and waited for him to get on the boat.
Once we were on the wobbly boat, the other two climbed off of Jeff; I wandered to the aft of the ship, Corphish leaned against Jeff, who leaned against the metal guard rail surrounding the ship, and Daedalus took a perch on the front rail of the bow, as if making sure the direction of the boat was safe.
We sat in silence; the boat took off for Dewford City.
I rubbed the red mark on my face from when Jeff had hit me. The action replayed over and over in my mind: his hand striking me up the left side of face and the events following. I winced when I felt the mark. Or was it even there? No matter, the scar ran deeper than the few skin cells that the smack caused to ache. A chill went down my spine and I looked back at Jeff. I couldn’t help but wonder if our friendship was meant to last.
Because of you nothing would be the same.
Last edited by Griff4815; 16th February 2009 at 12:15 AM.
wow, that was absolutely amazing! and very long
i love the emotion that is shown, i really felt the sadness and the joy, it was beautiful.
i love the way you made Jeff's understanding of his pokémon dissappear after he slapped treeko, very lovely and inspired
now to what i feel is negative: Daedalus finding the twig out of the blue just seemed too lucky. it did not really seem realistic enough to me....
secondly, i did not understand the whole song thing.... could that please be explained?
lastly, i did not get treeko's dream.... and how he feel asleep in such a moment of high tension....
great chapter, my eyes could not leave the computer!
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Don’t let these filthy brutes take our home!>” the voice called as it slowly got farther away.felt as if I should be dead any second,Although he had trouble flying with my added weight,Now this was a well-written chapter, and you've come a long way in your writing since the first chapter. Emotions were captured really well as the relationship between Jeff and Treecko hit rock bottom (with the smack and Jeff no longer able to hear Pokespeech afterwards) before getting patched up... somewhat. Jeff struck his Pokemon, and with Treecko's stubbornness, that's not something that'll be patched up with a mere apology. After doing something like that, trust between a trainer and Pokemon usually is built back slowly, and you do a good job with showing that at the very end.just for the sheer pleasure of sailing across the deep blue sea,” the man said merrily.
So I guess the way I interpret it is that Jeff and Treecko are on "uneasy good terms" right now, since though they're a team again, Treecko still has the hitting incident fresh in his mind.
Now the only problem is, this is the second fic I've read in a row with a dark/depressed theme to it, and now I have to find something light and fluffy to read! *scurries off*
I heard that the little guy actually makes a six-figure income. Might not be such a bad career path“Watch it, PAL, unless you want me to set you up with a lifetime contract as a mascot for a car insurance dealership,” Jeff retorted with seriousness.
I agree that this chapter was excellent. My only comments are on what different possibilities might have yielded.
First, I'm not sure that the song helped much. Perhaps you should have tried the chapter with and without it and decided based on that.
Second, shifting the view to Daedalus did slightly weaken the emotion. Although it still kept the sad tone, perhaps this might have been another thing to experiment with to see if it was needed or not in the chapter.
Experimenting with writing can take a lot of time, but it's always good to play with possibilities in the search for the best one. As the chapter is, it was great, and that's why the only things I have to critique are only possibilities of what the chapter could have been like. Keep up the good writing.
...Well, I've just read the whole thing. It's been a long read, but well worth it.
You've improved from the prologue that's for sure. It's taken a while though - things only really got more interesting when Jeff left his hometown IMO. There's still a few mistakes here and there - I *think* I remember a 'wear' as 'where' for instance, and one of you 'bolding' attempts didn't work in one of the early chapters. (i.e. looked something like [b]/insertwordshere/b] ).
Personally, I've been liking Corphish more than Treecko, which is the main Pokemon in your fic - probably because his personailty agrees with me more, and his obsession with T.V. shows are quite funny.
Your strong point in this fic is character development and personality establishments without a doubt IMO - and this has been highlighted in your last chapter. Truely a great improvement, and an outstanding chapter that makes most of the others pale in comparison. Definetely worked for me (though the song inclusion may not have been nesserary... kinda distracted) - and as I'm not quite good at the character development thing, I'm jealous of that
Anyway, here's hoping you continue that last chapter's quality in other chapters. I would like to go on the PM list as well by the way Keep it up!
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Wow. I'm currently in a minor state of shock, wondering what the hell to put in this review that would get across what I think. I could give another lecture about sentence flow and technical things like that, but it would seem so out of place after a chapter which quite frankly didn't NEED good sentence flow to be easily your best chapter yet. In fact, it was probably the most moving thing I've read in a long while.
So, first things first: the Treecko POV. When I read your note at the start of the chapter I assumed it was going to be third person limited to Treecko, so the first person was a bit of a surprise. However, as I read the chapter I realise how this would not have worked anywhere near as well from another perspective.
I am going to have a small technique-related moan here about the first person, and that is that Treecko's thought process (not the italicised thoughts themselves) occasionally slipped into present tense, when they should be keeping to past tense throughout.
As for the song, I didn't mind it too much seeing as it was actually playing in the scene - it would admittedly have been too weird if you'd just put the lyrics in for no apparent reason. They were a tad distracting but I found that they helped give a sad aura to that scene - I don't actually know the song so I just sort of imagined the lyrics being sung in a depressing way. The one thing I found odd was when the lyrics continued even after Treecko had run from Jeff and would have been out of earshot from his headphones.
Erm. Other stuff to mention.
*gushes for ten minutes about how much she liked the emotion*
...seriously, I can't find a way to express how well you did in a mature, reviewerish way, so I'll just say that it was amazing and you damn well better keep it up.
You also deserve cookies for finally including a Grovyle in the fic, for describing its evolution's voice in what I consider to be a negative way, and for giving the Grovyle a cool name. (Velox makes me think of Velotus :3)
...And one final thing. How does Corphish know Treecko's name if he's never said it out loud to anyone since... since whenever?
Hmm, I wonder who your favorite Pokemon is. LOL, I like that Treecko is a main Pokemon in the RP. I also like how Jeff doesn't start his journey as a 10 year old. Basically an elementary school kid. XD.
Trying to find something to criticize in the first 2 chapters, but so far, so good . Keep it up.
I'll leave grammar to DP479... on to the funny/nice parts!
He let out a pained groan before falling flat on his faceHe let out a pained grown before falling flat on his face
OK, that was a grammar check... back to fun times!
Uh... 'PMSing'?!“<Ok, so he was PMSing, everyone has bad days! It happens!>”
Yeah, don't go, T-Cko!“<If you aren’t going to stay for Jeff, at least stay… for the kids!>” coerced Corphish. He put on a sad face, and placed his claw around Daedalus’ shoulder.
Well, now jeff can't understand his pokemon, communication in this team will plain ol' suck. Can't wait to see if Jeff gets his 'gift' back...
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