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Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #26
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    I have to say, this fic has impressed me with the power of the characters' relationships. You've done so well conveying the bond between treecko and Jeff because their "owe you for this one" scenes are so intense. They've been through a lot already and their friendship is strong, it's admirable, they're made for each other. The gameboy plot...I wasn't even bothered by it because of your strong characters. The battle choreography is nice and well thought out, too. I'm diggin' this fic, Griff! i'll be back for chapter six.
    Taxonomy of the Heart
    Another fic - Foresight

    "When you're in your final moment and your life flashes before your eyes, it isn't for your entertainment, it's your subconscious hurling every relevant and pseudo-relevant experience you've ever had up into consciousness. It's saying 'try this! or this! or this! does what we learned here help?! ****!!'. So don't sit back and relax, take your last stand. Take your brain's emergency alarm and do something.

  2. #27
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    I am on chapter 5, and I really like your story. It's so long, yet your character has just gotten his starter! I hope you'll read mine, 'Guardians of the Heart' and reply. I can't wait for the next chapter!
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  3. #28
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    I appreciate the reads, reviews, and advice. Count on reviews in return.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  4. #29
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    Chapter 6

    I still didn't get a beta for this chapter. I'm going to contact him early this week so that will give him some time to beta it.

    None of the following events is based on personal, real life experiences, in case any of you were going to ask (This would make more sense after you read the chapter)

    I described all of the newly introduced pokemon and I think I got rid of all the numerals (Excluding the '102' in 'Route 102')

    And, as always, read, review, and most importantly...enjoy.


    And This is What You Get…

    The two travelers and their pokemon walked into the brightly lit city, the night highlighting the neon. They turned to their right. It was about two AM when they walked into the pokemon centre of Petalburg city, which had a blinding, white light emitted from its internal heart. Petalburg City was a huge place in comparison to Littleroot or Oldale Town. It was complimented with a few skyscrapers, many high rises, and company buildings. The three pokemon looked around. Corphish and Ares were in awe at the massive city. Treecko, however, didn’t care too much, though he was a little curious.

    The first thing Jeff did when he entered was ask Nurse Joy to heal his pokemon. He handed Corphish to Nurse Joy for healing. Treecko denied the offer to be healed; he insisted that he was fine, patting his bruised, red belly.

    “But Treecko!” Jeff complained.

    A firm stare was retutned to the teen. Jeff rolled his eyes. “Have it your way, then.”

    “I really think that I should have a look at-…” She, too, was answered with the same stare. “Err… okay then.”

    Jeff noticed a picture on the wall with over twenty different deep pink-haired girls who looked exactly the same, standing in front of a medical university. They were all Nurse Joys, which surprised Jeff a lot.

    He motioned to the picture with his index finger. “So are all of those nurses your sisters?”

    “Yes, as well as cousins and second cousins,” Nurse Joy replied. Jeff nodded, intrigued at the odd similarities. He would ask more about it, bue the teen considered that to be out of line.

    “Nurse Joy…can I talk to you in private for a second?”

    “Of course! right this way,” she replied with a motherly smile. They walked with Corphish, into the back room of the center. Corphish was placed in a large glass recovery tank to help heal his wounds. The tank stood in the middle of the tiled room and it was situated above the floor on a plaster pedestal. Jutting out of the sides of the tank were large plastic hoses that led down into the tiled floor. Nurse Joy opened the door on the front side of the tank and put Corphish in it. A yellow liquid began to fill the tank through the pumps.

    “What is that?” Jeff looked with some worry as Corphish was submerged in the liquid.

    “That’s a state of the art Osmotic Facilitation Submerger; it's a machine for specifically healing water-type pokemon. Your Corphish is one of our first official patients to undergo the treatment and he should come out fully healed and completely revitalized.”

    “Uhh… He- he is?” the teen nervously asked.

    “Don’t worry. It’s been proven completely safe,” Nurse Joy reassured.

    Jeff let out a short sigh of relief. Trusting the nurse, he nodded.

    “I have kind of a weird question to ask you… ” Jeff shifted slightly in his spot. “How come I can suddenly understand what my Treecko and Corphish… and even my… friend’s Torchic are saying? Am I going crazy or do I have some sort of special gift? And how come, with my family’s pokemon, I could never understand them?”

    “Oh, no need to worry; it’s fairly common with trainers, although it is rather rare with beginner trainers, which you are, correct?”

    “Yeah, I am. But why can I?” Jeff asked with high curiosity.

    “If you have a genuine bond with your very first pokemon, and you really, truly care for them, a little switch will flip on in the ‘Broca’s Area’ of your brain that will allow you to understand pokespeech. It’s quite bizarre, really. Neurologists have studied this factor and have discovered only a little about the reason for this. Usually it takes awhile for this skill, or bond rather, to develop, especially in beginner trainers who just start and have a shaky relationship with their pokemon, but in your case it seems it has happened pretty quickly! You should consider yourself lucky.”

    Lucky.

    The concept of luck was foreign to Jeff, especially since he almost always seemed to have less luck than he would like.

    “Well, I guess Treecko and I have been through a lot together,” he smiled, his confidence building.

    “It really shows, too. I can tell by looking at the two of you that it’s like you’ve been friends since childhood... Erm, where is your Treecko, exactly?” the Nurse Joy asked.

    Jeff leaned back and peered out the door leading from the main lobby to the back room. He saw Treecko resting lazily on the front counter with his hands behind his head. Jeff quickly turned his head around when a sharp ‘BING’ was emitted from the revitalization tank that Corphish was in. The fluid from the tank was now gone. The door of the glass tank opened and Corphish launched himself out of it with great force. Corphish tackled into Jeff, causing him to fly backwards to the ground. Jeff hit his head on the base of the wall.

    “DAHH,” cried out Jeff from the shock of the blow. Corphish danced, or at least tried to dance, around on the teen’s stomach.

    “Well, you sure are a lively pokemon,” Jeff told him, as he rubbed the back of his aching head. Corphish swung his claws up to the right twice, up to the left twice, and then forwards in a series of bizarre double uppercut-like movements, and then repeated the movement. Jeff was initially very confused and admittedly a little intimidated.

    “What exactly are you doing?” he asked the hard-shelled pokemon.

    “<Dancing!>” Corphish replied, pointing up at wall speakers where the radio played dull easy listening music.

    “… I see… I didn’t know that this was energetic dancing music,” Jeff joked.

    “<It is if you pretend that there’s an awesome guitar solo alongside it!>”

    The human chuckled to himself as he looked at the pokemon. “If only your dancing skills were as good as your imagination.”

    Corphish began to impersonate a soap opera star; he walked forward on Jeff’s chest, slapped a wet claw across Jeff’s face, and stomped out of the room and into the lobby.

    “So I guess that medicine causes pokemon to turn into the equivalent of drunk?” Jeff, who rubbed his red and wet cheek, said to the stunned Nurse Joy. “Actually, maybe that was just Corphish…” he added rather sheepishly.

    He followed Corphish out the door, walked over to the video phone, carefully pushed each number key with the same degree of force, and phoned Professor Birch, like he said he would.

    “Hey, Jeff?” Kristie called over to him from the door of the pokemon center. Jeff nodded in acknowledgement. “I’m going to go for a walk with Torch.” She called to him.

    Okay, Kristie." He paused. "Be careful," he added, but he was too late to the draw, because by the time he got the words out she had already left the center with Ares.

    “Damnit,” Jeff muttered, turning his head back towards the video phone. He noticed that the previously dark screen had lit up to reveal the interior of an office. Professor Birch had finally picked up the phone; he had obviously been fast asleep.

    “Do you realize it’s a little past midnight?” the professor stated in a tired daze.

    “Sorry, Professor. I assumed you were up late studying nocturnal pokemon again. It’s me, Jeff. I’m in Petalburg City now,” he greeted.

    “Is that so? You’ve caught your first pokemon, then?”

    “Yeah, a Corphish! He’s pretty awesome,” Jeff responded. Upon hearing his name, Corphish came running over to the video phone. Freshly healed, he heartily introduced himself.

    “Wow. That’s great, Jeff. I actually got off the phone awhile ago with Alan… you know, one of your friends? He said he was in Petalburg too,” Birch said enthusiastically.

    Alan was an old rival of Jeff’s. The two would always compete against each other in sports, games, and now pokemon. The tension between them was high…for Jeff, at least. He didn’t really care for Alan’s alpha male tendencies. After a game of pictionary went awry, specifically the two coming to blows while the rest of their friends sat back and laughed, the two hadn’t seen each other in some time.

    “Really…” Jeff said to himself. “I’ll have to find him to challenge him to a battle.”

    “Well, I’m right here,” A strong, deep voice said from behind him. Jeff turned around and it was Alan, grinning. Alan brushed a hand through his short blond hair. He was six foot two, standing a little higher than Jeff on the levelled tile floor. He was of middle weight and good muscular build. He smiled a large, competitive smile, and had a light sun tan.

    “I’ve got to go professor. Bye,” Jeff quickly said as he hung up. He turned around and walked up to Alan, followed by Treecko and Corphish.

    “Alan…” Jeff nodded, somewhat coldly.

    “Jeff…” Alan nodded in return.

    Jeff faked a grin and grunted out his nose.

    “So how about it? Want to battle?” Jeff asked.

    “Sure, I wouldn’t mind beating you again!”

    “Then let’s take this out back behind the center,” Jeff told him with a determined tone as he went through the pokemon center door. When Jeff walked behind Alan, he clenched his fists and hit them together in an angry, taunting way.

    “This is the chance I need. My luck is up and my pokemon are in great shape. I can get two birds with one stone; I can beat Alan, and as soon as I do so, I’ll have enough confidence to tell Kristie how I feel about her! Maybe if she sees how good of a battler I am, she’ll ask me out before I get a chance to,” Jeff pondered to himself with optimism, smiling as he walked.

    They circled around the side of the building which was off from the city, slightly. Behind the pokemon center was a long patch of grass.

    “Okay,” Alan began. “Let’s get a two on two battle started!”

    “Typical… Alan trying to call the shots,” Jeff whispered to himself. “Why not three on three?” he asked in defiance, just to spite Alan.

    “Do you even have three pokemon?”

    Jeff shot a glare into his deep, blue eyes. “Do you?”

    “Maybe.” he grinned, enlarging a red and white pokeball in his hand. “Choose your two pokemon!”

    “Rip ‘em apart, Corphish!” Jeff ordered with fervor.

    “<Could I BE anymore ready for battle?>” Corphish yelled, merrily. Jeff sighed as he awaited Alan’s choice.

    “Go! Dustox!” Alan called. A purple bodied moth pokemon appeared on the field.

    “DUSS,” it hissed. It flapped its green wings which had red circular patterns on each wing to stay airborne. It had yellow antennae and spotted, malicious-looking yellow eyes.

    “Use confusion,” Alan ordered. Dustox’s eyes began to glow a purple color; it flapped its wings and a wall-like, rippling, purple wave engulfed Corphish. He looked down and saw his body glow a purple aura as well. Corphish, against his will, was lifted off of the ground by Dustox’s psychic powers.

    “<H-hey, Dus…t-t-tox…look a…f-flame! Bet…ter go fly innn…to it!>” Corphish struggled to mock, as his body was being overwhelmed with an invisible force.

    “Corphish, regain control and use bubblebeam!” Corphish struggled and tried to point its pincer towards Dustox. After much strength, the water managed to point his pincer towards Dustox’s general direction; the scattershot could take care of the rest.

    “<Take THIS!>” Corphish cried as he fired a burst of bubble beam. The bubbles exploded on the flying bug, causing Dustox to fall backwards and lose its concentration. This allowed Corphish to fall to the ground, unrestrained by the psychic attack.

    “Now fire bubblebeam while running towards it, Corphish,” instructed Jeff.

    Corphish began to scuttle quickly; he opened his claws again and released translucent, blue orbs from them, causing Dustox to be distracted with dodging the bubbles. The Dustox swerved back and forth, not paying attention to the closing in Ruffian pokemon. When Corphish was in the range of using a close quarters attack, Jeff yelled, “Okay! Crabhammer!”

    Corphish jumped up and swung his pincer, knocking the moth pokemon out of the sky, making it fall heavily to the ground. Its fragile body remained still and unable to continue.

    “Return Dustox,” Alan huffed grumpily. “Good try.”

    By now a decent sized amount of spectators had gathered to the sidelines to watch.

    Alan enlarged another pokeball. “Now go, Mudkip!”

    A quadruped blue pokemon appeared on the grass. The Mudkip had a large, white tailfin. Its large round head had another big, blue fin on its forehead as well as large, orange whiskers on its cheeks. Its cute stature didn’t mean that it was a pushover.

    “Okay, Corphish,” Jeff waited and thought for a moment, “don’t give it time to breathe; use a vicegrip on Mudkip’s tail!”

    “<You got it,>” answered Corphish. He scuttled towards the Mudkip and rammed it from the side. While it was briefly stunned, the shellfish pokemon landed a direct clamp on the Mudkip’s tail.

    “Kip!” Mudkip yelled in pain, as its tail and hind legs was held off of the ground by Corphish.

    “Mudkip! Use mud slap!” Mudkip used its forelegs, which were still in the ground, to dig up mud, which got in Corphish’s eyes. Although blinded, Corphish still kept up the grip.

    Corphish wandered around aimlessly, holding Mudkip with one claw and trying to wipe the mud from his eyes with the other.

    “No!” Jeff exclaimed in frustration. “Return, Corphish… Good job.” Corphish dropped Mudkip to the ground and stumbled over to Jeff’s voice.

    “Okay, Treecko, You know what to do! Don’t let up!”

    “<Gotcha,>” the eager Treecko said, placing the twig in his mouth.

    “Mudkip, mud slap again!” Mudkip began to spit brown globs of digested mud from its mouth.

    “Treecko, use pound!” Treecko spun around, easily batting the balls of mud out of the air with his tail. The mud splattered into countless small fragments which exploded every which way. He repeated the process with each mud glob.

    “Now! Quick Attack, left!” Treecko ran up along Mudkip’s right side and lunged towards him causing a great hit, which knocked Mudkip back against a tree.

    Just then, Kristie came back from her walk and entered the surrounding crowd. “What’s going on here?” she asked the man next to her.

    "A pokemon battle! It's really intense. They're both down to their final pokemon!" he replied, earnestly watching the fight.

    "Is that... Jeff?!" she asked, shocked. "Who's he battling?" She tried to identify the character who commanded the Mudkip while shaded over the by night shade.

    Mudkip used tackle, hitting Treecko in the chest, hard. Treecko was hit to the ground. He clutched his chest but quickly shook it off, trying not to show weakness.

    “Get your bearings, pal!” Jeff encouraged his pained friend. Treecko got up on one knee, panting.

    Mudkip began to spit globs of mud from its mouth at Treecko. Treecko jumped and ducked from the projectiles gracefully, but he was caught off guard; a ball of mud hit him square in his mouth. Treecko fell backwards to the ground and grunted out his nose, unable to speak due to the mud filling his mouth. Treecko began to gag and spatter mud from his mouth; he was choking.

    “Treecko, no! Are you okay?” Jeff called out, troubled.

    Treecko nodded and got to one knee, still spitting out more mud. Treecko struggled to breathe and his face was turning red. Suddenly, the corners of his mouth started to glow from behind the glob of mud.

    “What is that?” Jeff consulted his pokedex.

    “Bullet Seed, a special move that can be learned by Treecko,” it buzzed, spewing information.

    Treecko moved the twig he kept in his mouth and moved it to the side, making room. “Cko, cko, cko, cko, cko, cko!” he spat while he shot out glowing white seeds and the remaining mud from his mouth. The attack hit Mudkip, seriously hurting it, but Treecko was also blown back two feet by the recoil of the surprising, new attack.

    “Mudkip, let’s finish this! Tackle!” Alan commanded.

    “Treecko, quick! Get up!” Treecko rolled over and climbed up on his knee as the mudfish pokemon quickly approached from behind him.

    “Treecko, look out!” Jeff called out. As the Mudkip jumped to hit Treecko in the back, he nimbly sidestepped to the right and stuck out his left arm. He clothes lined Mudkip right in the face, causing it to fall on it back. It spat out a blood stained tooth in defeat.

    “Good effort, Mudkip,” Alan said as he recalled the water starter pokemon.

    “Awesome job, Treecko!” he complimented when Treecko walked to his side.

    “<Ugh, it tastes like Mudkips,>” Treecko complained, spitting out mud from his mouth.

    “Well, I guess you won that battle, Jeff.” Alan said, walking up to Jeff.

    “I guess I di… ” Jeff was distracted as Kristie came running towards him as if ready to hug him. Jeff was confused by the action but he wasn’t complaining; he outstretched his arms, overjoyed to return the gesture. But instead of coming up to him, Kristie ran right by him and started to run to Alan. They embraced.

    “Alan! I knew I’d meet up with you eventually. I’ve missed you!” Kristie said affectionately.

    “I’ve missed you too, Kristie! Let’s travel together from now on! It was a mistake leaving two days before you did!”

    Jeff could feel a searing pain in the pit of his chest and head. His jaw was left hanging wide open and felt as if everybody except for him, Kristie, and Alan completely disappeared.

    Corphish noticed this, quickly walked up to Jeff and tugged on his leg, trying to comfort him.

    “<Jeff, you did a good job with that battle!>” Treecko congratulated.

    Jeff remained staring at the now kissing pair.

    Treecko looked at Jeff’s dumbstruck face. “<What’s wrong, Jeff? … Jeff?>”

    Corphish gave Treecko a look that said, “<Leave the guy alone.>”

    Treecko stared at the couple blankly, still not understanding what was going on.

    Corphish turned to Treecko, gestured at Jeff and then to the kissing couple, and said “<Okay, class! This is what happens when one human in in love with another human, but doesn’t know that the human they’re in love with is going out with someone else; I saw it happen on an episode of Friends!>”

    Treecko ignored him and looked up at the human. Jeff slowly walked towards the couple who were now one, his fist clenched. Jeff cringed while he walked as the two still were kissing. He raised his right arm and fist and drew it back.

    “<Let him have it, Jeff!>” Corphish called to him. Jeff didn’t hear or chose not to.

    He was going to wait until Kristie retracted from the embrace to punch Alan. The kiss seemed like an infinity to him. Finally, Kristie pulled back from Alan for a moment to gaze into his blue eyes. This opened a clear pathway for his fist. He tried to move his arm but it was frozen in place. He looked at his reared back, right arm; it was trembling. Jeff tried with all of his might to punch Alan but he found himself unable to carry on with the attack.

    “<Wow, a real life human battle! Maybe we can yell commands to him like he does to us!>” Corphish said with some happy anticipation to Treecko.

    “<Corphish, what’s wrong with Jeff? Why hasn’t he punched Alan by now?>” Treecko asked his new teammate, who was still wiping mud off of his face.

    “<Beats me. Do you think he doesn’t want to hurt Alan? Or that he feels bad about doing it? Maybe he’s waiting for us to tell him one of his attacks,>” he replied.

    “<Doubt it. He seems pretty angry.>”

    Jeff tried to force his fist upon Alan, again, but his arm stayed immobile. Alan and Kristie turned to look at him.

    “Jeff…what are you doing?” asked Alan in confusion. Jeff was overwhelmed with rage as Alan spoke, but he still couldn’t punch him. He turned away and stormed through the crowd, pushing people as he went. He tramped into the middle of the road, nearly being hit by a taxi, and towards the archway, which led back into route 102.

    Treecko turned to Corphish “<You stay here with them.>” gesturing to Kristie, Alan, and Torchic.

    “<Shouldn’t someone who actually knows what’s going on talk to Jeff, instead?>” insisted Corphish.

    “<Look, I can talk some sense into him. The last thing that he needs is a sarcastic one liner or a reference to a TV show,>” Treecko retorted.

    “<Fine,>” he muttered while Treecko ran into the forest. “<Settle down, Paoulo and Rachel…>” Corphish grumbled to the couple.

    Ares blinked and stared at Corphish, confused.

    “<What? Does nobody watch TV?>” Corphish said in frustration.

    Treecko took off after Jeff. The teen ran into the forest, leaned up against a secluded tree. Treecko, being as fast as he was, managed to catch up with him. Treecko climbed up on Jeff’s shoulder and patted him on the back, comfortingly. Jeff got up, sweating from the running and veins pulsing in his head from anger. He turned around and punched the tree behind him. He groaned from pain as he stared at his bleeding knuckle.

    “<Are you okay?>” asked Treecko.

    “I’ve been better,” Jeff retorted, angrily clenching his fists.

    “<I’m sure this must be hell, but there will be other girls. Hell, I haven’t found someone who I loved as much as you liked her. You should consider yourself lucky.>”

    “That’s because you’re the only one of your species in this general area! You don’t have to compete for women!” Jeff snapped back. A brief quiet ensued.

    “<Well…actua…>” Treecko began, breaking the silence.

    “No, look…I’m sorry,” Jeff apologized, interrupting him. He dug his forehead in his hands, trying to keep himself together. They sat in silence for several minutes.

    Jeff, calming down, told Treecko, “Come on; let’s go back to the pokemon centre for some sleep. I have a lot of thinking to do.” Treecko looked into Jeff’s green, glazed over and reddened eyes, and nodded silently. Jeff stood up and began to slowly pace back towards the city that reunited two lovers: his most hated friend and his favorite acquaintance. He would never forgive the vile city for arranging that fateful meeting.

    They walked under a large archway that said “Welcome to Petalburg, the city where dreams come true!” They entered the neon-lit street, turned right and went into the pokemon center. Jeff and Treecko found Corphish resting on a couch inside the pokemon centre. The two collapsed on the couch with the shellfish. All three of them were very tired. The two pokemon slept soundly. Before Jeff succumbed to sleep he made a huge decision.

    --------------------------------------------------

    The next day, Jeff woke up and walked over to Kristie, who sat on a couch next to Alan in the pokemon center. She stood up and met with him. He was unable to look her in the eyes when talking to her. He explained to her, “Kristie, I’ve decided to continue the rest of my journey alone.”

    Kristie replied, confused, “Jeff, are you sure? You could always come along with me and Ala...”

    Jeff cut her off with a quick, but stubborn, “I’m positive!” He couldn’t bear to hear her utter that name. “I’m sorry, I have to go…goodbye,” he quickly spat out as he and his pokemon turned to exit the pokemon center.

    “Later, Jeff,” Alan called to him. Jeff shot him a piercing, dagger-like glare, but he knew that if he looked at him too long he might lose it. He had to bite his lip to keep himself from going off on a yelling and cursing spree on Alan. He struggled even to stop himself from saying something vile and offensive to him. He shakily reached for the door.

    Kristie said words that made him stop dead in his tracks when he opened the glass door.

    “I’m going to miss you, Jeff.”

    Jeff shut his eyes, nodded, and quickly left the house of healing, repentantly leaving his deepest crush behind him.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Last edited by Griff4815; 20th August 2009 at 8:18 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  5. #30
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    Another pretty good chapter there. Though the grammar is still a little shaky, I hope the next chapter comes BETA'd as it will stop me getting distracted by pausing to think "he got the grammar wrong there". The one thing that I feel like pointing out right now is that Petalburg is spelt... well, like I just spelt it, rather than with an e.

    The flow could be improved in places - I can't really be bothered to pick out every instance, but as a general rule you should try and avoid using the same word more than once in the same sentence, perhaps even paragraph. Heck, I think I might already have told you that, though it could have been someone else I told.

    Moving on from that, here's my high point of the chapter.
    “<Wow, a real life human battle! Maybe we can yell commands to him like he does to us!>” Corphish said with some happy anticipation to Treecko.
    I LOVE CORPHISH. He's so damn funny, and I got worried for a moment at the thought of him drunk - that would be seriously crazy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the characters are great.

    This chapter seemed nowhere near as rushed as the last one either - instead of trying to squeeze a whole lot into one chapter you had only one major occurence which spanned through the whole thing, which is better in my opinion.

    The descriptions were there. I liked the battle description, that was pretty well done. The Pokemon description was just about the right length - enough to let us know what they looked like without boring us.

    ...I can't actually think of much else to say so I'll end on a generic comment. Good chapter, keep it up.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  6. #31
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    Wow! Never saw that coming! I thought for sure Kristie was running to hug Jeff! Corphish gets on my nerves, I like Treecko alot better. But, at least you have nearly opposite character desciptions, that sets the chapter off well. Hope the next chapter comes out soon! Can't wait!
    33

  7. #32
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    the Pokemon Centre of Petalburg City, which had a blinding, white light emitting from its internal heart.
    Wait, do buildings have internal hearts? Maybe it's in the boiler room or something...

    So are all of those your sisters?”
    Neurologists have studied this factor
    where is your Treecko, exactly?” the Nurse Joy asked
    the Big Melon’,” she called to him, referring to the illustrious city of Petalburg,
    He was of medium weight and with a good muscular build. He wore a large, competitive smile on his face, and had a light sun tan.
    The second sentence above contained one of those "repeated words in a single sentence" that elyvorg mentioned.

    Could I be any more ready for battle?
    What the hell does it look like?
    And once again, I'm noticing improvement with your chapters. Your descriptions have gotten pretty solid, and the battle went pretty well. Characterization remains a strong point, and the vastly different personalities of Treecko and Corphish are sure to make for a very interesting journey.


    Ah, unrequited love... something that I know nothing about *falls on ground anime-style* This Kristie development could cause serious problems, though... If Jeff's head isn't in the game, it could spell disaster in a major battle. Any sports team coach can tell you that. It would be interesting to bring out his love issues in a battle though, it would show us how well (or poorly) he handles himself and his emotions in the heat of battle.

    Again, this is a pretty good chapter, and the situation with Kristie is throwing an interesting wrench into the mix.
    Last edited by DarkPersian479; 15th September 2007 at 10:37 PM.

  8. #33
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    wonderful story, i just spotted one gramatic error, sorry i cannot spot more, english is not my first language. i just want to say your stry is WOW. it is really good. i only read till the last chapter you posted on page one.... i shall read these on page two later

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post

    “You two really are…made for each other” Professor Birch smiled. “Not one trainer, other than you, Jeff, would have settled for, let alone be happy with that Treecko. Also the way you two cared for each other back with Fearow…astounding, you two already have a great bond like a chain!"
    by the way, i advise you to spend a bit more time on descriptions because they seem a BIT TOO shallow for me to comprehend
    Last edited by HommeDor; 16th September 2007 at 5:53 PM.

  9. #34
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    When you had Jeff suddenly start understanding Pokemon language in Chapter 5, I knew you would have a reason for it handy. From the way you had the phenomenon described, it looks like it could make for a good way to distinguish the really good trainers. It could also be interesting to see other people's reactions to seeing Jeff holding conversations with his Pokemon.

    Like everyone else, I see Corphish as a character who can definitely add some interesting things to this story. I was a little bugged at first by how he immediately went from an angry rampage to joking around with Jeff and Treecko after being captured; although, if I were hit by a bunch of burning embers for no reason, I'd be pretty ticked myself, even though I'm usually a pretty friendly guy, so I can see your reasoning for it. I liked how he was teasing Dustox during his battle, and I look forward to seeing more of that from him.

    Your battle scenes have definitely improved between Chapters five and six, in my opinion. The varying uses that Jeff utilized for Bubblebeam was great, as was Treecko countering Mudkip's moves on his own instead of just standing still waiting for Jeff's orders. I especially liked that clotheslining at the end.

    As DarkPersian said, the development with Kristie is certainly interesting, and with so many directions it can go, I look forward to see what happens next.

    All in all, great couple of chapters, and I'll be back for the next one.
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    i just read the remaining chapters. they were spectacular, although a bit rushed... i felt somethings moved to fast, like when he was leaving home, it just went WAY to fast...

    \i love the whole soap theme. the "I love her" but she "loves him" and they are rivals, must be tough being him.... though she is a bit naïve...... i like the characters.
    the girl though seems a bit too flat in character, she seems like little miss perfct which is rather shallow.... if she could be more rounded?

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    Wow. I'm surprised. When Kristie showed up, I was thinking that one of two things would happen: jeff would lose and be embarrassed in front of kristie or that jeff would win and increase kristie's affection for him. When neither of those happened and she and Alan ended up being long-lost lovebirds, I was shocked. And jeff's resulting depression/anger was conveyed well.

    Corphish is awesome. I forgot to comment on the pokemon-human speech before, but I really like how it makes the pokemon more colorful characters.

    Thanks for a good read, Griff!
    Taxonomy of the Heart
    Another fic - Foresight

    "When you're in your final moment and your life flashes before your eyes, it isn't for your entertainment, it's your subconscious hurling every relevant and pseudo-relevant experience you've ever had up into consciousness. It's saying 'try this! or this! or this! does what we learned here help?! ****!!'. So don't sit back and relax, take your last stand. Take your brain's emergency alarm and do something.

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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Another pretty good chapter there. Though the grammar is still a little shaky, I hope the next chapter comes BETA'd as it will stop me getting distracted by pausing to think "he got the grammar wrong there". The one thing that I feel like pointing out right now is that Petalburg is spelt... well, like I just spelt it, rather than with an e.

    The flow could be improved in places - I can't really be bothered to pick out every instance, but as a general rule you should try and avoid using the same word more than once in the same sentence, perhaps even paragraph. Heck, I think I might already have told you that, though it could have been someone else I told.

    Moving on from that, here's my high point of the chapter.

    I LOVE CORPHISH. He's so damn funny, and I got worried for a moment at the thought of him drunk - that would be seriously crazy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the characters are great.

    This chapter seemed nowhere near as rushed as the last one either - instead of trying to squeeze a whole lot into one chapter you had only one major occurence which spanned through the whole thing, which is better in my opinion.

    The descriptions were there. I liked the battle description, that was pretty well done. The Pokemon description was just about the right length - enough to let us know what they looked like without boring us.

    ...I can't actually think of much else to say so I'll end on a generic comment. Good chapter, keep it up.
    Duly noted on the grammar and double word advice. I'm glad that it appears I have changed from the last chapter. I'm also happy that Corphish is becoming a fan favorite.

    Quote Originally Posted by blaziken33 View Post
    Wow! Never saw that coming! I thought for sure Kristie was running to hug Jeff! Corphish gets on my nerves, I like Treecko alot better. But, at least you have nearly opposite character desciptions, that sets the chapter off well. Hope the next chapter comes out soon! Can't wait!
    I didn't think that it was possible to surpise people in the form of writing...maybe thats just because I always read a little bit ahead and then read what was before it. -_- Luckily, The two opposing personalities will play a roll in the next chapter. And Between you and me...and whoever else is reading this, Treecko is still my favorite so far, although Corphish is fun to write.

    Quote Originally Posted by DarkPersian479 View Post
    And once again, I'm noticing improvement with your chapters. Your descriptions have gotten pretty solid, and the battle went pretty well. Characterization remains a strong point, and the vastly different personalities of Treecko and Corphish are sure to make for a very interesting journey.


    Ah, unrequited love... something that I know nothing about *falls on ground anime-style* This Kristie development could cause serious problems, though... If Jeff's head isn't in the game, it could spell disaster in a major battle. Any sports team coach can tell you that. It would be interesting to bring out his love issues in a battle though, it would show us how well (or poorly) he handles himself and his emotions in the heat of battle.

    Again, this is a pretty good chapter, and the situation with Kristie is throwing an interesting wrench into the mix.
    Its always relieving to hear that I'm improving. And yes, I have a few things up my sleeve regarding Treecko and Corphish as well as the Kristie factor. *Does Evil Plan laugh again*

    Quote Originally Posted by HommeDor View Post
    wonderful story, i just spotted one gramatic error, sorry i cannot spot more, english is not my first language. i just want to say your stry is WOW. it is really good. i only read till the last chapter you posted on page one.... i shall read these on page two later


    by the way, i advise you to spend a bit more time on descriptions because they seem a BIT TOO shallow for me to comprehend
    Cool, I'm happy you like it! And I will continue to work on the descriptions. Thanks for posting!

    Quote Originally Posted by BladedScizor View Post
    When you had Jeff suddenly start understanding Pokemon language in Chapter 5, I knew you would have a reason for it handy. From the way you had the phenomenon described, it looks like it could make for a good way to distinguish the really good trainers. It could also be interesting to see other people's reactions to seeing Jeff holding conversations with his Pokemon.

    Like everyone else, I see Corphish as a character who can definitely add some interesting things to this story. I was a little bugged at first by how he immediately went from an angry rampage to joking around with Jeff and Treecko after being captured; although, if I were hit by a bunch of burning embers for no reason, I'd be pretty ticked myself, even though I'm usually a pretty friendly guy, so I can see your reasoning for it. I liked how he was teasing Dustox during his battle, and I look forward to seeing more of that from him.

    Your battle scenes have definitely improved between Chapters five and six, in my opinion. The varying uses that Jeff utilized for Bubblebeam was great, as was Treecko countering Mudkip's moves on his own instead of just standing still waiting for Jeff's orders. I especially liked that clotheslining at the end.

    As DarkPersian said, the development with Kristie is certainly interesting, and with so many directions it can go, I look forward to see what happens next.

    All in all, great couple of chapters, and I'll be back for the next one.
    I'm running out of ways to say thank you, originally. So just, thanks for liking/understanding these things and you actually gave me a new idea somewhere in there. Cheers. (Hey, I DID think of a new way to say thank you!)

    Quote Originally Posted by HommeDor View Post
    i just read the remaining chapters. they were spectacular, although a bit rushed... i felt somethings moved to fast, like when he was leaving home, it just went WAY to fast...

    \i love the whole soap theme. the "I love her" but she "loves him" and they are rivals, must be tough being him.... though she is a bit naïve...... i like the characters.
    the girl though seems a bit too flat in character, she seems like little miss perfct which is rather shallow.... if she could be more rounded?
    Yeah, Chapter 5 was pretty rushed in terms of things happening. I was in a hurry to get things moving (since they were 4 chapters in and still haven't left) so I spliced a few chapters together. Once we remeet Kristie I have something I'll add to her character. The show Friends kind of helps to influence the romance aspect of my fic.

    Wow. I'm surprised. When Kristie showed up, I was thinking that one of two things would happen: jeff would lose and be embarrassed in front of kristie or that jeff would win and increase kristie's affection for him. When neither of those happened and she and Alan ended up being long-lost lovebirds, I was shocked. And jeff's resulting depression/anger was conveyed well.

    Corphish is awesome. I forgot to comment on the pokemon-human speech before, but I really like how it makes the pokemon more colorful characters.

    Thanks for a good read, Griff!
    I'm happy that you enjoyed it, Maze. Thanks for pointing out those things.



    All in all, Thanks all of you for your reviews, you guys really made my night! I hope I can contact my beta in time. And if not, then the chapter may be posted a few days later than my usual Friday-due date.

    Speaking of late, its quite late here and I have school tomorrow. I'm off.

    Cheers, Griff4815
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

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    Aww, I kinda feel bad for Jeff... But he needs to suck it up and be a man! The descriptions were better in this chapter but unless Jeff is spending a little more time in Petalburg, you should decribe the city a little more. Also, you forgot to describe Alan's clothes (I think). Overall, though, it was a great chapter. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see when Jeff and Alan meet again!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glajummy View Post
    Aww, I kinda feel bad for Jeff... But he needs to suck it up and be a man! The descriptions were better in this chapter but unless Jeff is spending a little more time in Petalburg, you should decribe the city a little more. Also, you forgot to describe Alan's clothes (I think). Overall, though, it was a great chapter. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see when Jeff and Alan meet again!
    To suck up and be a man or to not suck up and be a man...that is the question that will be revealed next chapter (hopefully tomorrow or Saturday)

    I'm going to describe Petalburg more next chapter, don't worry.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 22nd November 2007 at 3:16 AM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

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    The wording of some of your sentences could be better. It also seemed a bit slow at times. It also sort of falls in the old trainer on their journey category, so that doesn't help much. The good things I see is that the characters speak well and have a good amount of personality. Also, if the main character is only 135 pounds at six feet tall, then he would be very skinny (his BMI would be around 19, which is underweight).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Apotheosis View Post
    It also sort of falls in the old trainer on their journey category, so that doesn't help much.
    So you're saying that OT fics are off-limits to new writers just because older writers overdid them? Griff can write whatever kind of fic he wants, and you trying to say otherwise only makes you look like a dick, IMO.
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    Quote Originally Posted by BladedScizor View Post
    So you're saying that OT fics are off-limits to new writers just because older writers overdid them? Griff can write whatever kind of fic he wants, and you trying to say otherwise only makes you look like a dick, IMO.
    That wasn't what I really was meaning. I'm just saying that since it has been done a lot before, the writing will probably have to be better to make it interesting. Old things can be done again, but if they are to be done well, then they must be done with finesse and craft.

    Link to my fanfic.
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    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

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    As for the weight thing, I may have miscalculated some numbers there. So lets just look past that.

    I have many ideas floating in my head that, I think, will make things interesting.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

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    Chapter 7 is up!

    Authors notes at the end.

    Enjoy!

    On a Wing and a Prayer


    The trio left the pokemon center, leaving behind Kristie, Alan, and Ares. Corphish nested on Jeff’s backpack while Treecko walked along side them. While they were walking on the long, populous street, Jeff felt as if every person that they passed knew about what happened and was mocking him. He avoided all glances and eyes. They walked by skyscraper after skyscraper, high rise apartment after high rise apartment. The roads sloped down, creating a hill that led to the commercial docks of Petalburg. The city was scattered with large office buildings and businesses, reminiscent to a Saffron City by the sea. They continued to solemnly walk along the seemingly endless street, and they passed a gym whose sign said “Under Construction!” There were large yellow cranes lifting big planks of wood into the half made gym.

    Jeff turned and walked towards the active construction site. When he approached a Machoke wearing a yellow hard hat, he saw that the working pokemon carried a large, metal girder over his purple-gray shoulder and housed massive muscles. He looked very similar to a human except he had three crests on his head.

    “Excuse me,” Jeff piped up to get the superpower pokemon’s attention. He pointed to the gym. “What’s going on here?”

    “<If you’re a trainer, you’re out of luck, kid. This gym is undergoing renovations. The next closest gym is the one in Rustboro, which is through Petalburg Forest. If you like swimming, then you could try the gym in Dewford, which is right across the sea and down the road. I recommend swimming. It will give you more exercise!>” the Machoke told him.

    “Thanks. I’ll try Rustboro and then Dewford. Hang in there… I know I need to,” Jeff answered with sadness.

    Machoke blinked in confuson before continuing to move the girder.

    Past the gym, the trio could see the gates of the town leading towards the beach and Petalburg Forest. They made it past the gates and out of the city and were soon faced by a large beach and calm blue shores in front of them. They looked on and saw people relaxing; there were people sunbathing, humans swam along side water pokemon, a game of beach volley ball was going on with humans and pokemon. Jeff looked at them enviously.

    They’re all so happy and without worry… ” Jeff thought.

    Quickly turning his head, he saw a dirt path leading to a dense forest. They followed the pathways until they reached the massive woodland.

    “This must be Petalburg Forest,” Jeff said glumly, peering into the darkness. “Let’s go.”

    The trio entered the forest. Murky roots and vines littered the base of the trees. The thick, tree canopies made it impossible for light to enter, and it was as if the sun dared not enter the woods. Mist fogged them from any long range sight.

    They walked through the wooded area. Around them they could hear the trills of birds and the hisses of bug pokemon. Above flew a beautiful, elegant airborne bug. The patterns on its wings were dazzling. Treecko remained calm, but kept up his guard. After all, who knew what pokemon were hostile and what pokemon weren’t? Corphish rode on Jeff’s back, merrily enjoying the view; it was very rare that he got to be this high up.

    “<Giddy up, Jeff!>” Corphish cried, poking Jeff’s head with his claw. “<Hi-ho, Silver!>”

    “Y’know, Corphish… it's not exactly easy carrying you and this hiking pack among other things. How much do you weigh?!” Jeff groaned.

    “<I’ll have you know that I’m a very nice size for a Corphish of my stature!>” the pokemon shot in reply.

    Jeff raised an arm in an ‘L’ shape, indicating them to stop.

    “Okay, it's lunch time,” he said in a disheartened, monotone voice.

    Corphish jumped off of his backpack and landed on the ground as he zipped open the backpack and took out three sandwiches. As soon as they were handed to him, he started to shovel the entire sandwich into his mouth and his face lit up.

    “<Yes! I got caught by a trainer who gives us real food as opposed to those lame, store bought riceballs!>”

    Treecko wandered off from them while he ate. He didn’t linger far, but just enough so that he was away from the crowd. He looked up and noticed a red and white pattern moving from tree to tree in the air. Whatever it was seemed curious about the food. Meanwhile, Corphish was hopping around as if he were in an action movie. When he noticed Treecko looking up, he did, too, and he opened his claws and shot bubblebeams at the treetops in response to the mysterious figure. He fired with both his claws and shot in all directions to make sure that he hit it.

    “<Take this! And this!>” Corphish yelled as he aimed at the high tree branches above. The bubbles exploded on contact with the limbs of the tree, and he did a clumsy barrel roll in the grass and fired at the top of the tree that Treecko was looking at.

    “<Could I be anymore awesome?>” he said with a joking cockiness. Just then, the red and white pattern emerged again from the darkness and the floating chips of bark, which were ripped from the trees during the bubble attacks. Surrounding the outlined figure was a series of dark, hazy blue feathers. It appeared injured from the attack as it fell from its perch but righted itself in the air. It circled the trio in a hunter-like fashion, and Jeff was able to recognize the pokemon as a Taillow, like the one that he battled against before Petalburg--when times were simpler. The angered Taillow squawked for the aid of his comrades, and soon, three more Taillows appeared from the misty forest and descended upon the three intruders.

    “<Corphish, you idiot!>” scolded Treecko. He threw the remainder of his sandwich with striking dexterity at the lead Taillow, hitting him in his face. The bird pokemon managed to stay afloat, but was obviously enraged. Treecko assumed a battle stance and awaited the oncoming enemies.

    “<Hey! I didn’t know that this birdbrain would sit around waiting for me to attack him! Nice throw by the way! That Taillow is still picking ham out of his beak!>”

    “Corphish, return!” Jeff frantically called, shooting the pokeball.

    “<What are you doing!? We need Corphish’s help to fight… as big of an idiot as he is! Although… I think I can take all four of them, solo,>” insisted Treecko confidently.

    “No! We’re running!” Jeff ordered adamantly. He scooped up Treecko and began running before the pokemon could make a move. They took off into the forest, pursued by the small flock of angry Taillow.

    “<Jeff, what are you doing? We’ve never run from a fight and there are only four of them! You could catch one!>” Treecko protested.

    Jeff ignored him and held him tightly, running with all of his strength.

    “<What the hell are you doing? Let me down, now!>”

    “No way!”

    “<I swear to Arceus, Jeff, if you don’t stop running…>” Treecko threatened, wedging out of Jeff’s grip.

    “What are going to do? Shout at me?”

    Treecko had had enough. He pounded Jeff across the face with his tail, causing them both to fall into the mud.

    “What the hell was that?!” shot Jeff with a large and red tail imprint across his mug.

    “<That's what I’m going to do! Now you better get up and help me battle, or else I’ll do it solo!>”

    “No, I’m not letting myself force you or Corphish battle for my personal gain again! I don’t want to put you guys in danger!” Jeff angrily yelled.

    “<Don’t give me that crap! We chose to come with you and battle alongside you! If we don’t fight, we’re going to be bird food, so STOP feeling sorry for yourself and DO something! We’ll battle to save you, so give us a chance, or you might as well paint targets on our heads!>”

    Jeff sat there in shock for a moment. He looked up at the descending Taillow.

    “Treecko, it’s not that simple!” he yelled in retort.

    Treecko huffed, annoyed and insulted by the ‘retreat order’.

    “<I’ll do this myself…>” he growled, walking past the dumbstruck Jeff.

    He stood in front of the diving Taillow, making himself the target for attack. Unflinchingly, he spat several light green, high-powered seeds at the flock that had hit the lead Taillow and scattered the rest of the them. The injured bird pokemon let out a cry and began to fly in a downward spiral. He landed in front of them, skidding in the dirt until he reached a halt.

    “<There. My work’s done, so do your job!>”

    Jeff raised a pokeball-wielding hand and reared it back. He noticed that his arm began to shake again. Treecko looked up and noticed this as well.

    “<Jeff, throw the ball!>”

    “I… can’t. I can’t take another pokemon away from its home!”

    “<Jeff, if you don’t catch that Taillow right now… he’s going to wake up, call for help, and then we’ll be up to out necks in Taillows! So throw that damned ball!>”

    Jeff still stalled. He looked up at his hand, and then down at the Taillow who tried to support itself on one wing. He took pity on the sad sight and slightly lowered the ball. The pokemon opened his mouth in the preparation of a shrill peep. Treecko noticed this, sighed, and took matters into his own hands. He whacked the ball from Jeff’s hands and then batted the ball again before it could hit the ground. The ball rolled quickly and hit the Taillow before he could let out a chirp. He was engulfed in a red light and sucked into the ball, which wriggled and rolled about the forest floor, refusing to lock. After much struggle, the Taillow gave in and the ball locked shut.

    Treecko picked up the ball and threw it to Jeff. “<Now, was that so hard?>” he spat in response to the dislike of the human’s attitude.

    Jeff pined and sat on the earth, cross-legged. He looked somberly at Taillow’s pokeball before releasing it. The irritated blue-feathered bird appeared on the grass in front of them.

    “Hello, Taillow. Sorry about that,” Jeff greeted him.

    “<I have a name, you know. Stupid human!>” the Taillow shot back, not expecting to be understood.

    “You have a name?” Jeff asked, confused by the response.

    The Taillow’s eyes widened and he became flushed. “<You… understood me, human?>” he asked awkwardly.

    “Yeah, I did.”

    “<Every human I’ve seen was unable to understand their pokemon, though,>” he explained.

    “I guess I’m luc… different,” Jeff corrected himself in reply.

    “<Well, you shouldn’t expect that every single pokemon’s name is their species name. It’s just…how you humans would say… ‘Straight up ignorant’,>” replied the Taillow, making quotation signs with his wings. “<How would you like it if I called you ‘human’ everytime I address you? It’s insulting!>”

    “I’m sorry. What is your name?” Jeff answered warmly.

    “<My friends called me Daedalus… but I guess I’m stuck with you now.>”

    Jeff crouched to his level and extended a hand. “I’m Jeff. Nice to meet you, Daedalus.”

    Daedalus rolled his eyes and reluctantly humoured the human by shaking the human’s hand with his wing in retort. Jeff shot a glare at Treecko. “Well, Daedalus, I plan to make this journey as painless as possible for you.”

    “<Bloody fantastic!>” thought the defeated Taillow as he had no choice but to follow these new strangers. “<I’ve been captured by a human; I really let my boys down. Now who will lead them and guide them when things get rough? I can’t believe this!>” He held his face with his wing in pure frustration. “<The only bright side is that I can tell the human exactly how I feel and he won’t pretend to listen and then make me do a barrel roll.>”

    After awhile of being perched on Jeff’s shoulder as they walked, Daedalus asked, “<Aren’t you going to put me back in my pokeball or something?>”

    “Not unless you want to…” Jeff replied.

    “<You put the orange guy who hit me back in his pokeball.>”

    “Yeah, I didn’t really think you two would ‘hit it off’ so well…” Jeff attempted the joke, but the delivery was poor due to his saddened voice. “I hate to ask, but can you show us the way out?”

    Daedalus reluctantly nodded and pointed his wing from his collarbone perch. Jeff and Treecko followed the unhappy guide’s directions.

    Daedalus began to think, “<Isn’t this poetic? I’m being forced to show the human the way out of my home so that he can take me with him! This human called ‘Jeff’ seems rather depressed, too.>”

    They walked for ten minutes before the light of day could be seen in the distance. Before they could reach it, however, something moving in the dark popped out in front of them. Jeff and Taillow jumped back at the action of the figure and were inspected. A boy about Jeff’s age and height stood before them. Covering his blond, curly hair was a large, sun hat, and beneath that was a boyish face that had a large grin spread across it. He had a green bandana tied around his neck. There was a single pokeball attached to his belt, which divided a white t-shirt and green soccer shorts. He blocked their path with a large, staff-like stick.

    “Can I help you?” Jeff asked the stranger in irritation.

    “No… but I can help you… battle me,” the guy said with an all-knowing voice, guised with a crooked smile.

    “I’d rather not. I just want to get by,” replied Jeff, trying to move by the stick. The teen raised it, stopping him.

    “You will get by me once you fight me in a pokemon battle,” he explained, the smile still glued in the same spot.

    “Look! I’m not in the mood to battle, so just let me by!”

    “That’s exactly the problem,” the mysterious guy grinned. He took the pokeball from his belt and threw it on the ground in front of him. What appeared in the darkness was an intense flare of light. Jeff and Daedalus squinted since their eyes weren’t used to the luminosity, but Treecko gazed straight into the beam, unbothered by it. The light dissipated and something that was the same size as a beach ball appeared on the ground. It span around in circles, but it could still be seen that the ball was a tan color and it that had brick-like scales on its stiff back. The sphere stopped rolling and the pokemon came from out of its folded position, revealing a white underbelly, a strong tail and legs, which had sharp claws for digging, and a cute shrew-like face with beady black eyes.

    “If you can beat Deyja, my Sandshrew, with any of your three pokemon, then you can go on your way.”

    “I’m thrilled that you want to battle me, but I’m sorry. I’m not fighting you!”

    “I’m afraid that’s not up to you.” With a smile, he pointed his finger and ordered, “Deyja, use scratch on Daedalus!”

    Jeff’s eyes widened at the command. “How does he know his name?” thought Jeff to himself.

    "<What?!>" chirped a shocked Daedalus, who was perched on Jeff's shoulder. He quickly darted his head at him.

    The Sandshrew lunged at Jeff, who leaned back in an attempt to dodge. Deyja jumped on his chest, which acted as a platform as he leaned back. He scrambled up the green shirt and jumped, headbutting Daedalus from the perch. The bird fell to the ground, followed by Deyja, who jumped on his wings, pinning him down. He began to scratch at Daedalus, and dark blue feathers with tints of crimson shot up after each swipe.

    Jeff looked on--dumbstruck and pathetically--at the mouse pokemon who was tearing his new teammate apart. Daedalus lay there, twitching and wincing helplessly. Jeff could see his contempt, and he could tell that it was like he was thinking, “<Oh, great. I’m just another pawn in this guy’s game of chess.>”

    “<Jeff, are you going to just watch this?!>”

    He ignored Treecko and looked on. He whimpered, “Dae…Daedalus…” The Taillow’s wide eyes began to close as he slipped away. Jeff ran over to him, nudged the Sandshrew off of him, and picked him up. He clutched the bird tightly to his chest despite the blood soaking his green shirt.

    "<What,>" Daedalus began weakly as he opened one eye to look at the trainer, and then continued, "<…kind of trainer are you?>" Jeff only gulped in response.

    “So, will you fight me with your Corphish or should I sic Deyja on your Treecko before you finally decide to battle?”

    Jeff's stomach churned in self loathing while he cradled and looked at the badly wounded Daedalus. How come he kept letting his pokemon down? “I guess I have no choice, but why are you doing this and how do you know I have a Corphish?” Jeff grilled.

    The guy remained silent. He just tipped his hat and continued to grin. Jeff frowned and gently placed Daedalus and his backpack on the ground next to him.

    “Treecko, give Daedalus a potion! Come on out, Corphish. I guess we have to battle.”

    Corphish emerged from the red beam and stood, facing the Sandshrew.

    “<Somebody call PBS because Hammie the Hamster escaped and now he’s a hardass!>” Corphish joked, looking at his opponent.

    “Corphish… uhh… use… erm… ” Jeff acted as if this was his first battle and he had never seen a Corphish in his life. Too much was racing in his mind, and it was damaging his concentration.

    Corphish turned to Jeff to make a deadpan joke, but he found himself being blindsided by Deyja. He was knocked sideways and stopped at the base of a tree. He groaned and got to his many feet using his claw, and he raised his pincers in front of him threateningly.

    “You’ve got to take control, man! Your pokemon need you just as much as you need your pokemon!” advised the odd stranger. “Now I’ll give you one moment before Deyja uses swift!”

    The Sandshrew reared back his head.

    “Corphish, use… use… ” Jeff stammered. He had no confidence in what move he should make. What if he said the wrong move and Corphish was left vulnerable? What if he made a decision that killed Corphish?

    Deyja jerked his head forward, spitting out numerous shiny, star-like blades. The stars cut into Corphish’s sides before disintegrating into sparkling dust. It soon became a struggle for Corphish to stand as the volley worsened.

    “Corppy, no!” Jeff called, returning his pokemon to the security of his pokeball.

    “So now, your Treecko… I hope you’ve learned something from your Corphish’s defeat,” the sagely guy scolded.

    Treecko stepped towards the Sandshrew. He moved the twig from one side of his mouth to the other, hoping that Jeff would come to his senses. Even if he didn’t, Treecko was confident that he could win on his own.

    “Deyja, use dig!” The mole pokemon dug fiercely in the earth with his sharp talons. In a matter of seconds, he was completely underground. Treecko looked around him; he was on his sharpest guard.

    “Now, use sand tomb!”

    Treecko could feel the earth become soft beneath his feet. He tried to jump but a pair of claws grabbed his left foot and dragged it down and under the mud. With one foot completely submerged, he couldn't free his foot. He angrily looked around him in anticipation for the next attack.

    “<Jeff, I could really use your help here… or are you afraid?>” Treecko growled.

    Jeff stared on as his friend was helpless. “I can’t let him get hurt! But what can I do? I’m just a failure. This creep is playing for keeps and if I lose my best friend, then what do I have? Think, Jeff, think! How can you help?”

    Jeff’s train of thought was distracted when soil exploded from behind Treecko. In the wave of earth was Sandshrew about to attack with razor sharp claws, and it was then that Jeff decided to finally do something. He subconsciously pushed his love and confidence issues to the side of his mind and before he realized it, he felt words leave his throat and his tongue sound out words.

    “Treecko, behind you! Use bullet seed!" Jeff yelled in a furious fervor, spitting wildly as he roared.

    Treecko jutted his head behind and saw the beige figure lunging at him. He spat out an intense spray of light green bullets, which hit Deyja, throwing him backwards.

    “Keep at it! Don’t let up!”

    Treecko continued firing without stopping even to gasp for air. The light green seeds created dirt clouds around the Sandshrew. The smoke created a mask over the battlefield, and the badly injured pokemon could be seen crawling back to the outsider when it cleared.

    “Congratulations, Jeff. You pulled yourself together and managed to defeat Deyja. My name is Chad, by the way.”

    “Nice to meet you, Chad,” beamed Jeff. He walked over to Treecko, kneeled down and hugged him.

    “<I’m happy you can fight again, too, but what have I told you about hugging in public… or private for that matter?!>” Treecko grumbled uncomfortably.

    “Sorry. I’ll have to watch that,” he said and smiled in reply.

    “<And while you’re at it… want to get my leg out of the ground?>”

    Jeff nodded and began digging at the dirt around Treecko’s leg. After a large pull, the pokemon was freed and he dusted his leg off and folded his arms. They turned around to talk to Chad, but he had completely disappeared from sight.

    “What a weird guy…”

    Daedalus hopped over to the two; he had completely recovered with the potion. He hopped onto Jeff’s shoulder and the teen grabbed the bag before they headed towards the exit. When they left the woods the light burned their eyes.

    “I think we should stop a few minutes so that we can adjust to the light. I think I’ll heal Corphish while I’m at it.”

    “<Doesn’t he have a name?>” Daedalus chirped.

    “He wouldn’t tell me. Treecko wouldn’t tell me his either,” answered Jeff suspiciously as he released Corphish. Jeff applied the potion to Corphish’s cuts. “Oh, yeah, Corppy, this is Daedalus. He's the Taillow you hit while you were being ‘Bruce Wayne’.”

    Daedalus nodded in acknowledgement.

    “Careful, Daedalus, he jokes…”

    “<Could you be any more of a bird!?>” he said, glancing at the Taillow

    Treecko sighed. “<That phrase will never get old,>” he muttered sarcastically.

    “<What’d you say?>”

    “<I said your jokes are old and repetitive.>”

    “<What the hell is your problem?>” Corphish spat, taking offense to the insult of his pride and joy.

    “<My problem is that your damn antics almost caused Daedalus and his buddies to kill us!>” Treecko quickly retorted, scowling.

    “<Aw, what’s wrong? Did you hear a tree fall in the forest?>” mocked Corphish.

    “Hey, you two!” Jeff tried to interrupt, but they ignored him.

    “<Didn’t you say you were too pathetic during mating season to get a female Corphish?>” Treecko growled, stepping forward. His smug grin stayed on his face while he approached his rival.

    “<Listen, salad *ss! That’s a completely different subject!>” Corphish shot back, clicking his claws together, preparing to fight.

    “<Settle down you two, NOW!>” Daedalus twittered with annoyance.

    Treecko and Corphish shot him a cold glare. They stepped forward and Corphish threw the first punch, hitting Treecko in the jaw. Treecko stumbled back but quickly recovered and tackled the other pokemon backwards into the dirt. Jeff ran over to the two rolling around on the ground and tried to pry them apart, but he ended up with a claw and tail in the face and legs. The simultaneous blows sent him flat on his back.

    “What the hell, guys!?” Jeff shouted as the two began to fight on top of his chest. Treecko swung around, slamming his tail hard into Corphish, who flew backward and hit Jeff in the face before sprawling down the hill. Treecko jumped down the hill after him.

    Jeff put his shirt to his bleeding lip as he got up and looked at Taillow. “Welcome to the family, Daedalus,” he growled. “Now let’s go get those idiots back!” Daedalus shrugged and decided to after him as he began to slowly traverse down the hill.

    Corphish and Treecko found themselves tumbling over dirt and on the riverside. One of them would get up to run, but the other would drag them back to the ground and they would keep fighting. The cycle continued, and they became bruised and beaten. Over the sand they rolled until they were past a crudely-made sign that showed a picture of a man and pokemon crossing a line with a red X drawn over them.

    They panted heavily while still throwing punches at the other until they were under a tree with a large branch reaching over them. They stopped, stood up, and panted with a scowl imprinted on both of their faces. Treecko stepped backwards onto a hidden noose in the sand. The rope suddenly shot upwards, snagging his tails and one of his legs. He dangled upside down from the tree, and Corphish walked beneath him and began to laugh hysterically.

    "<What's the big idea?!>" Treecko growled.

    “<Not so cool now, are ya?>” mocked Corphish.

    “Treecko cko cko!” Treecko grunted and swore at Corphish, swinging around to try to get free.

    “<Maybe I’ll use you as a piñata!>”

    Treecko struggled and then glared at the other pokemon. He opened his mouth and fired a bullet seed down, causing Corphish to jump backwards. When the attack was dodged, he activated a trap on his own, and a net came shooting up from the hidden sand, ensnaring Corphish. Treecko grinned because he knew that the water type got his comeuppance.

    “<So now I’m trapped, too. congratulations,>” Corphish scowled. “<I might have gotten you down too, if you begged.>”

    “<Oh yeah?>”

    “<Yeah, ‘Tree Hugger’!>”

    “<Why don’t I swing over there and pound you into Corphish soup?>” Treecko shouted back from the suspended rope.

    “<Well, Tarzan, in that cozy rope I’d like to see you tr…>” Corphish was cut off and knocked out by a speedy blunt blow to the head.

    Treecko looked around and struggled, confused since he didn’t deliver the blow. He looked at the branch above and saw a purple fist come towards him. The blow smashed him down the face, and the beaten up wood gecko hung there unconscious, too.

    -------------------------------------

    Jeff ran down to the beach where they fell. Daedalus perched on his shoulder as they stepped in the sand. In the sand they could see small blood spatters and sand sifted in a struggle. Jeff noticed the sign and asked, “Do you think they went in there?”

    The Taillow nodded and they slowly traipsed through the sand. After they walked a bit, Jeff lifted up his foot and began to place it back in the settled sand and Daedalus immediately knew that something wasn't right.

    “TAILL!” Daedalus trilled as he outstretched his wing, warning him not to place his foot down.

    Jeff froze and retracted his foot, carefully placing it in his old footprint. He kneeled down and touched the snare trap in the ground.

    “<Look over there!>” Daedalus pointed. “<Drag marks! There’s something that lives here who is very protective of its territory. I don’t think he wants uninvited visitors. You follow your footsteps back to the other side of the sign. I’ll scout around from the air, because I think it has them…>” said the Taillow, feeling a certain sense of responsibility

    Jeff nodded and did as told, while Daedalus took flight.

    -----------------------------------------

    Treecko briefly opened his eyes. He found himself lying next to an unconscious Corphish and he noticed that they were both being dragged in a net over the ground and through the forest. The pain in his head worsened as they went along. He looked up and saw a large, purple blur clutching the net. He weakly tried to resist but then a small rock lying on the path collided with his head. The searing pain in his head caused him to fall back into unconsciousness.

    ------------------------------------

    Awhile later, Treecko felt an annoying prodding at his head. He opened his eyes and saw a dim orange outline hovering over him. He got up and looked around, and he saw that beside him was Corphish and on all sides were wooden bamboo bars, creating a dome cage in the middle of the forest. On the other side of the bars was a relatively small wooden shack made of bamboo in the shape of a box.

    “<What the…>” Treecko groaned, rubbing his swollen and bleeding head.

    “<They don’t have room service. I’ve checked,>” grumbled Corphish, who was shaking the bars.

    Treecko jumped upwards, slamming his tail on the roof, trying to break it. Corphish flew up as well as he jumped. The bar remained sturdy. Treecko landed gracefully and Corphish fell onto his head, his horns digging into the dirt.

    “<I’ve also tried that, Twig Boy,>” Corphish growled. “<We’re not moving an inch. Oh, and F-Y-I, my claw and your hand are tied together, so don’t go prancing around like you’re starring in ‘Rent'.>”

    Horrified by what he'd been told, Treecko looked down and saw rope tying his right hand tied to Corphish’s left claw.

    “<Terrific…>” mumbled Treecko grumpily.

    “<A little help?>” Corphish asked, struggling to get his horns from the ground.

    Treecko coolly unleashed his frustration and swung the other pokemon out of the ground with his arm and tail. Corphish hit the side of the cage and slumped to the ground. When he finally got himself to stand upright, he angrily held his head and held up his free claw threateningly.

    “<I said ‘give me help’, not ‘give me hell’!>”

    Treecko ignored him. “<These bars really won’t budge.>”

    “<I KNOW! Why don’t you hit me against the bars HARDER?!>” Corphish sarcastically suggested.

    “<This is just like a pokeball.>” he shuddered, tuning out the words of the water-type again.

    “<Except there’s no refund if we break it… and you’re here. This is all your fault!>”

    “<Back off! You’re as much to blame as I am!>” Treecko grunted, wiping blood from his mouth.

    “<Could this be any more your fault?>”

    Treecko snarled and held his tied arm up against the cage wall, causing Corphish to dangle off of the ground. The grass-type reared his fist back, ready to punch his rival, and he had a claw clamped around his neck in retaliation.

    Suddenly, a deep, growly voice came from beside them, on the other side of the cage.

    “<What’s wrong? You two thieves not getting along? Well, you’d better suck it up and get used to being cell mates!>” chuckled a massive purple pokemon. He had large ears, and massive claws, tail, and stature. There were large purple spines running down his back and his nose was home to a horn bigger than Corphish’s head.

    “<That’s a Nidoking!>” whispered Corphish to Treecko.

    “<You’ve got it all wrong. We’re not thieves,>” Treecko attempted to explain to the furious ‘land owner’.

    “<And if we were, we’d probably rather be doing the 'two claw discount' at the Pottery Barn,>” Corphish joked.

    Treecko glared at Corphish. “<You don’t get to talk anymore!>”

    Nidoking frowned and crossed his arms. “<My *ss! You expect me to believe a story from a pokemon known as ‘the ruffian pokemon’?>”

    “<Really. We’re telling the truth…>” Treecko insisted.

    “<Cram it, lizard lips! You’re pretty shifty yourself, what with that twig in your mouth. You look like a gang leader or something!>” Nidoking interrupted.

    “<Shifty, huh?>” Treecko grinned to himself, taking it as a compliment. Corphish rolled his eyes.

    “<Give us freedom or give us d…>” Corphish began to intone, but Treecko, with a yank of his arm, shoved his head into the dirt before he could finish the sentence.

    Nidoking walked up to the bamboo cage and leaned up against the bars, peering in like a scientist to lab rats. “<You think you can live in my territory and expect to get away with it?!>”

    Treecko remained silent and stared frigidly through the wooden barriers into the brown eyes of the Nidoking, who stared tauntingly back at him. The collected rage surged into the glare that was directed at their captor. Nidoking actually stepped backwards when the other pokemon concentrated the defiant stare. His yellow, squinting, enraged eyes said, “<You’ll get yours.>”

    When Nidoking retracted from the stare, he chuckled at himself for having been intimidated. “<What are you afraid of? After all, look at the size of them…and they’re in a cage! What could they possibly do?>” he thought.

    “<You two thugs stay put until I get back…as if you have a choice!>” Nidoking continued to snicker as he stomped off into the forest.

    “<What was that?!>” accused Corphish, spitting out dirt.

    “<That was ‘saving us before you could put that idea into his head’!>” Treecko spat, annoyed. Treecko rubbed his raw ankle and left tail and then folded his arms and turned to face his partner. “<What the hell do we do?>”

    “<Well, I’ve got to call in sick to work and then we can order a pizza, and maybe have ourselves a nice night of talking about our feelings,>” Corphish kidded.

    “<I’m being serious! This is exactly why we’re in this mess in the first place and why Nidoking won’t believe our story! Your dumb jokes have gotten us in all this crap. Now we’ve been captured and at the mercy of that Nidoking!>” Treecko yelled, turnig towards Corphish menacingly.

    “<Hey,>” the ruffian pokemon said nervously, “<what happened to your ‘as cool as a cucumber’ attitude?>”

    They stopped as they saw a shadow cascaded on the ground of the cage. They looked up and saw Daedalus roosted on one of the bars of the dome cage overhead. He was perched directly above Treecko and Corphish.

    “<Good afternoon, fellas,>” the Taillow grinned.

    “<Took you long enough.>” Treecko said. “<Where’s Jeff?>”

    “<I told him to stay back at the beach. The ground is laced with traps everywhere!>” the Taillow replied.

    “<Hell, there’s probably surface to air missiles around here!>” Corphish added.

    “<How do you expect to get us out of here?>” Treecko asked.

    “<Can’t peck through it… so I have no idea.>” Daedalus shrugged apologetically.

    “<Think, you bird brain! You’re a leader, so lead!>” Corphish coerced the bird.

    “<Don’t rush me; I’m not good in these situations!>”

    “<Or what? Will you go all ‘Alfred Hitchcock’ on our hides?>” Corphish spat in return.

    “<Damn it, Corphish! Piss off! You’re not helping!>” Treecko glared at him.

    Daedalus raised a wing with an idea. “<Howabou->” He was suddenly cut short as he gasped and was grabbed by a giant, purple hand, which appeared out of nowhere. Nidoking walked out from underbrush with a triumphant grin. He squeezed Daedalus, winding him, and then slammed him into the ground as if scoring the final touchdown of a football game. He grinned as he saw the bird lay in the dirt, unconscious.

    Nidoking lifted the cage slightly and kicked Daedalus under it. Treecko and Corphish looked at the body of their only hope of escape, in shock.

    “<I’m sorry. Was I interrupting?>” Nidoking asked, spitting out poison pins to the ground triumphantly.

    “<Look!>” Corphish began to explain. “<We weren’t here to take over your home or steal anything. We were fighting and we rolled onto your territory!>”

    “<That’s too bad… Trespassing in my territory is punishable by thrashing!>” He chuckled. “<I think you two have had enough time to think about what you’ve done… so the pain will begin.>”

    Nidoking walked towards the cage, fist raised. Treecko whispered to Corphish, “<Listen, he’s beyond reason now. We have to work together to attack him at just the right time… so on my signal…open fire at his face.>”

    Nidoking began to swing his tail at the cage.

    “<NOW!>” Treecko yelled. They shot bullet seeds and bubblebeams through the bars of the cage. The projectiles hit Nidoking in the face, knocking him off balance. His tail’s path was changed so that it struck the cage just above their heads. The two prisoners ducked as the upper half of the cage was shattered into splinters.

    “<GRAAAAAGGHH! MY EYE!>” Nidoking yelled, holding his bleeding right eye and stumbling backwards, blinded. A slow trickle of scarlet blood leaked from the covered eye.

    Treecko awkwardly boosted Corphish to the top of the broken bars before following him up, still being attached to him. Treecko grabbed Daedalus with his free hand and pulled him up. Treecko and Corphish then jumped at the same time, landing on the dirt. Daedalus fell beside them. Nidoking tried to stand up, but the other two conscious pokemon ran toward him, jumped up, and clothes-lined him using their rope-tied arms. Nidoking fell back to the dirt, holding his neck while the duo went to help Daedalus. They draped him over their bound hands and began to run.

    “<Wake up. We need you to spot traps while we run,>” Treecko muttered to Daedalus.

    “<Hey, buddy,>” Corphish smiled at Treecko. “<I guess now that we’re outta there this makes you a ‘Freecko’…>”

    “<…I’ll put the whole ‘salad ass’ thing behind us if you never say that again… ,>” Treecko said, nonchalantly.

    Daedalus slowly came out of the daze as they ran through the forest.

    “<Trap ahead. Two meters,>” he murmured weakly as he tried to see where they were going.

    They dodged the pitfall and followed Daedalus’ navigation.

    “<Left, straight, keep going, trap, trap, right, straight,>” Daedalus spat out directions as he struggled to stay conscious.

    They finally exited the forest and saw the sign on the beach. As soon as they were able to see Jeff pacing back and forth, they ran up to him and embraced him after gently placing Daedalus in the sand. Jeff accepted the embrace, but he quickly pulled from it and dropped to the ground to check Daedalus’ wounds. The bird spat out a bit of blood and muttered, “<How you doin’?>” in a state of shock.

    “What happened!?” Jeff asked, concerned as he examined the three bloodied pokemon. He immediately dropped his backpack and shoveled through the bag for potions.

    “<If I have to tell this story one more time…>” Corphish joked.

    Treecko eyed Corphish warily. He wasn't amused by the joke, but he decided to let it pass.

    “<Daedalus needs some professional medical attention, but Corphish and I could use some basic first aid… Oh, and can you untie us while you’re at it? I’m beginning to smell like seafood.>”

    Jeff took out a knife and cut the rope binding Treecko and Corphish together. He then looked at the two and asked, “Are you guys cool?”

    Treecko shrugged indifferently. Corphish folded his claws. “<I don’t have a problem if he doesn’t!>”

    Jeff smileded, happy that the two sort of reconciled. “Good, because that was pretty dumb crap you guys pulled back there. You could have gotten the other killed!” Jeff reprimanded them for their behavior.

    Corphish looked at the ground ashamed. “<Sorry…>”

    Jeff dressed their wounds with a potion and small bandages, which were just big enough to staunch the flow of blood. He perked up, “Let’s head into town before whatever it was that took you guys comes back! And seriously… what happened?”

    They nodded and followed Jeff up the hill and back onto the road outside of Petalburg Forest. Jeff cradled the injured Daedalus in his arms while the four crossed the bridge over the sparkling water. Corphish filled in Jeff on what had happened, to which the trainer replied, "That must have been fun."

    "<Yeah. Being trapped, beaten, beaten some more, and perhaps a third time is just like going to Six Flags at Celadon!>" Corphish weakly said, smiling.

    As they walked over the bridge, the sun began to set behind the four, creating an orange shimmer in the waves. Corphish grinned at Treecko. “<You’re not so bad, Salad-***. You get on my nerves sometimes, but you’re pretty cool.>”

    Treecko glanced at him. “<Uhh…>” He trailed off.

    Corphish grinned. “<I’ll assume that means ‘You’re okay, too, Corppy!’>”

    The wood gecko didn’t dignify that with a response, he just rolled his eyes and walked past him. The water type grinned and placed his pincers behind his head. “<This is gonna be an awesome trip.>”

    ********************************

    Author’s notes:

    -This chapter is the first official beta’d chapter. Beta’d by diamondpearl876 (Who did a very good job at that)

    -Now at this point I know it seems like I’m just making Ash’s Advanced Generation team, but that’s simply not the case. I’m simply using those who best help the plot (Most of them happen to be my favorites). So far, I like how it’s working out. And don’t worry, the next pokemon will not be a Torkoal, a…Donphan, or anything like that. :P

    -A few new recurring supporting characters are introduced.

    -I’ve decided against ending on cliffhangers often so that when I DO end with cliffhangers, it will really grab people by the nose and hit them in the arse (or so the saying goes) :P

    This was a pretty fun chapter to right because I love working with my characters and giving them dynamics and fun interactions. That’s one of the main reasons I write.

    Anyways, Read. Review. Enjoy

    Cheers, Griff4815
    Last edited by Griff4815; 25th August 2009 at 12:47 AM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  20. #45
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    what is the starred word?
    “<You two thugs stay put until I get back…as if you have much choice!>” Nidoking continued to s****** as he stomped off into the forest.
    anyway, it was great! i felt the emotion, though somethings seemed a bit too random, like Jeff being so uncomfident or like treeko and copish fighting...
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  21. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by HommeDor View Post
    what is the starred word?anyway, it was great! i felt the emotion, though somethings seemed a bit too random, like Jeff being so uncomfident or like treeko and copish fighting...
    Those aren't random at all. o_O If you remember, Jeff saw Kristie and Alan kissing, which caused him to go into depression because he liked this girl. Being depressed DOES involve loss of self-confidence, causing him to react the way he did.

    Corphish is an idiot in the story (in a cool way, though. kekek). Treecko has a stubborn attitude and doesn't exactly enjoy idiotic behavior from what it looks like. So . . . it makes sense they'd fight sometimes, especially when Treecko can't take Corphish's jokes and such.

  22. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by HommeDor View Post
    what is the starred word?anyway, it was great! i felt the emotion, though somethings seemed a bit too random, like Jeff being so uncomfident or like treeko and copish fighting...
    Those aren't random at all. o_O If you remember, Jeff saw Kristie and Alan kissing, which caused him to go into depression because he liked this girl. Being depressed DOES involve loss of self-confidence, causing him to react the way he did.

    Corphish is an idiot in the story (in a cool way, though. kekek). Treecko has a stubborn attitude and doesn't exactly enjoy idiotic behavior from what it looks like. So . . . it makes sense they'd fight sometimes, especially when Treecko can't take Corphish's jokes and such.

    Anyway, like I said on PC, keep up the good work!

  23. #48
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    reminiscent of a Saffron City
    Okay, it's lunch time,”
    as opposed to those lame, store bought riceballs!
    Could I be any more awesome?
    Surrounding the outlined figure were a series of dark, hazy blue feathers.
    A while later,
    Their eyes met
    Man, this is a disaster!

    No, not your fic I'm talking about Jeff's debut as a trainer. Nothing seems to be going right for him. I think he's right-being able to hear Pokemon speak isn't as lucky as you might think.

    Well, you had some very good interactions between Corphish and Treecko, and it was interesting to see that happy-go-lucky Corphish isn't so happy-go-lucky when Treecko mouths off at him. I need to say a word of caution based on the very end- even though the two rivals had to work together to escape Nidoking's grasp (what exactly were they accused of stealing, anyway?), don't make them get all chummy right away. It would be far more interesting to have that understanding and partnership build over time.

    You handled description of setting quite well, and your Pokemon description is improving as well.

    But Jeff is going seriously into depressed/emo mode, and unfortunately, it is quite ironic that his desire to keep his Pokemon from getting hurt ends up getting them hurt even worse. Just as I predicted last chapter, his head ain't in the game, and it is costing his Pokemon big-time.

    It's really the character interactions here that set your fic apart. The plot is sticking fairly true to form, but with Pokemon that bicker among each other, get into trouble because of it, and exchange insults, you're able to keep it interesting.

  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    Those aren't random at all. o_O If you remember, Jeff saw Kristie and Alan kissing, which caused him to go into depression because he liked this girl. Being depressed DOES involve loss of self-confidence, causing him to react the way he did.

    Corphish is an idiot in the story (in a cool way, though. kekek). Treecko has a stubborn attitude and doesn't exactly enjoy idiotic behavior from what it looks like. So . . . it makes sense they'd fight sometimes, especially when Treecko can't take Corphish's jokes and such.

    Anyway, like I said on PC, keep up the good work!
    the thing is why in a depression does he suddenly feel for the safety of his pokémon? that makes no sense in my opinion, i mean to prove himself to himself he might try battling....
    and corpish seemed way to good humored to let treeko get to him.. thats what i meant....
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  25. #50
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Western USA
    Posts
    84

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    The latest chapter was interesting, but I think a few of the sentences could have been a little bit clearer with a few more words.

    Also, your decision to not end with cliffhangers as often is a good one. If you have too much of one thing it can lose its affect. Balance is probably a better thing to achieve in writing.

    Link to my fanfic.
    I was Superkeeleybro on Nsider
    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

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