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Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #251
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    Another great chapter. I felt the bruise description was a bit too long though.

    “<Uh huh…>” The grass type got off of Jeff’s stomach and walked down to his feet. He lifted up Jeff’s pant leg and pulled down his sock to see a dire purple coloured and badly swelling bruise. “<You have a sprained ankle…>” Treecko flicked just above the swelling, causing Jeff to cry out in pain. “<…and a bad one at that.>”
    Maybe try more vivid imagery to both shorten and strengthen the description. Keep up the great writing!

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  2. #252
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    For "Escape," love the bike scene. Poor Treecko and Jeff suddenly crashed. XD Also, intersting you incoprate Drezdk's background story into this chapter (yes, I read that one shot LONG time ago, back in March but wasn't able to review because I was busy with school XD). It'll be intersting how Jeff will handle that Beedrill. Also, I assume Blane and Jeff are going to help each other, at least for now? Not only that, hoping that Jeff and Treecko will patch things up soon?

    So far things are back on a shakey start but you seem to be getting back in the groove of writing. ^^ Can't wait for the next chapter!
    I agree with Bay. Even though the last chapter was short, you nailed it. I mean, some mechanics were a tiny bit rusty, but nothing too major. I never read the One-shot, but I think it'll help me out a bit, so I will. Drezdk is real cool!

    Bay, sorry I couldnt review your fic/one-shot. I went on vacation with my girlfriend abrubtly, so I will get them up asap.

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  3. #253
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    Thanks all, it's good to know I'm on the right track.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 29th July 2008 at 5:23 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  4. #254
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    Ahhh. I'd already read this on FFNet, but I'll just say this. This is one of the most amazing fics that I have ever read. And I've read plenty in my day. You literally made me depressed as I read through it. And that's a good thing. :P

    Anyway, I'm throughly looking forward to the next chapter.
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  5. #255
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    I hereby present you with the most productive thing I've done on the Internet in at least a month. =D Hopefully getting back into the reviewing swing of things will help me with my writing moods, too.

    “Oh, stop complaining. Just be glad we’re biking and not going through that windy, jungle-y path,” Jeff explained,
    Jeff's not actually explaining anything, so why "explained"? This is only the first of many examples where you seem to be desperate to avoid using "said".

    “No, Mudkip! What do you think?” sardonically said his friend.
    I remember mentioning when I semi-beta'd this chapter about putting adverbs before the speech verbs. For some reason, it sounds really awkward. I wish I could explain why it doesn't sound right, but either way I'd suggest making sure the adverb goes after the speech verb in future chapters.

    Hell, he probably evolved while he was in there!” Kevin joked.
    I've probably already mentioned this too with regards to Corphish or someone, but, when a character is very obviously joking or being sarcastic or whatever, there's not much point in pointing it out to us. It makes the joke lose its impact if "Hey, look! A joke!" is tacked on after it.

    “Corphish cor!!!” stated the merry crustacean.
    Stated? You definitely are trying to avoid "said" here. For one thing, "stated" implies stating a fact, and with no translation of Corphish's words, we don't know whether he is or not. Besides, this is Corphish, who is apparently being "merry" right now; he's not exactly going to be "stating" anything, is he?

    In a quick aside from the nitpicks, I can't actually remember what happened to Jeff's twig. Did he lose it somewhere?

    I say we put them there for awhile…” Kevin explained,
    This is also not an explanation; it's Kevin giving his opinion, which works perfectly fine with the word "said".

    peddling
    Not that this will help much for future chapters if they don't involve bikes, but it should be "pedalling". "to peddle" means something along the lines of "to travel around selling".

    “No. I’m pretty sure that they went right,” he said, his voice getting stronger.
    This is a nice example of a place where you did use "said" in a suitable way, despite possible temptation to do otherwise. Try to do this more often.

    You’re going to stay here and I’ll go get you help,>” Treecko stated, folding his arms.
    And here's an example of a rare time when "stated" actually works well, because it emphasises how what Treecko's saying is a statement and not an optional suggestion, in fitting with his stubborn personality.

    giant brown egg-shaped structure
    the giant beige oval construction
    So is it beige or brown? They're not the same colour.

    The Beedrill slackened a bit. “<… A friend?>” he asked more softly, looking down at the necklace he wore.
    I believe I mentioned this bit when I semi-beta'd, but... awww. :3

    I’m not used to this job!>” he frantically said.
    Another one where the adverb coming before the speech verb just sounds really, really awkward. I'm really sorry I can't explain why, but it just sounds so off. Doesn't it read at least a little bit strange to you?

    Please…” plead a desperate Jeff.
    This should say "pleaded", but either way, as he ends with "Please", there's no point tellung us he's pleading as it's already obvious. This is along the same lines as my earlier comment about the "joked" coming after an obvious joke.

    I remember saying that Drezdk suddenly spilling everything about Talvoc was a bit forced in the original version. I can't remember what it was originally like, but I can say that this time it's not coming across as nearly so awkward.

    three, large purple pins.
    two, skinny black forelegs.
    The second of these is from a little earlier on, but I went back and grabbed it because I noticed you made the same mistake twice. The comma in each of these should be between the two adjectives rather than after the number; the numbers don't actually count as adjectives so they don't need separating with commas.

    very, very small clearing.
    Instead of overusing "very", you could use a word like "tiny" or "cramped" or something; it'd give us a more vivid mental image of how small the clearing is. One strong word is better than multiple weaker ones.

    The distraught Beedrill began running frantically around the clearing.
    Frantically running around the very, very small clearing? I wouldn't have noticed this if I hadn't made the previous comment, but yeah, it seems a little difficult to do so.

    I notice you're using "said" a lot more in the Jeff vs Blane argument. It's good to see that you can use that word more than occasionally, at least.

    “We heard that someone fell off the side, so we wanted to make sure they were okay,” Blane explained,
    And here's an example of "explained" after an actual explanation. Go you.

    “Well aren’t you the hero?!” Jeff sarcastically said.
    I really don’t know what to say…” awkwardly said Jeff,
    Another couple of these adverb-before-the-verb things that annoy me (particularly the second one); I'm quoting them so you can look at them and see if they sound at all off to you.

    The hive just LIED to us?!?!?>” Drezdk yelled,
    Ick. Punctuation overuse just sounds tacky; you do this quite a lot, actually. Using a more powerful verb than yelled instead - perhaps one less commonly seen to make it stand out - would give a much better effect.

    Jeff took out a fresh pokeball from and tapped Drezdk on the head with it.
    Missing something after the "from" here.

    So that's the chapter. I don't seem to have many general comments this time, possibly because I'd already read a beta version of this chapter before and roughly knew what happened.

    I didn't mention anything flow-wise seeing as you just told me on MSN that flow things confuse you. I really don't know why they do, seeing as the main point I try to make is simply that you shouldn't repeat words too close together (which still happened a few times in this chapter, although I don't think the problem's as bad as it used to be). It probably takes a bit of practice to do this naturally, but until then, just keep an eye out for repeated words when proofreading and change it so you're not using the same word twice in quick succession.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
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  6. #256
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    Thanks for the review, it's really appreciated (AND I'm even applying it!) This will be a short response since we talked in msn about it.

    In response to your question about the twig: It's in his backpack. He just doesn't really like using it anymore for reasons. I'm not sure if I mentioned it was in his bag or not before.

    Yeah, looking at those, the adverbs do seem pretty awkward.

    To all others, I'm actually really close to finishing the next chapter and I'll actually use the PM list this time, again.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  7. #257
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    Shock of the Lightning

    “Treeeeee CKO!” shouted the wood gecko.

    He spun his large tails around, pivoting on his foot in a slide tackle-like motion, and smacked a brown-furred mammal across the face. The Zigzagoon flew back against the trunk of a tree. The knocked out rodent fell to the grass, followed by bark cracked by the impact.

    Treecko stood up and exhaled. “<Four should be enough for now… I guess I should go find Jeff’s friends.>”

    Treecko inhaled but then stopped. The wood gecko sensed something was coming up behind him. He pretended to be oblivious to the thing coming towards him. He could feel a wind blow with it. Suddenly, right before it could reach him, he spun around and grabbed it by the neck. The surprised pokemon let out a squawk. Treecko was grabbing the neck of a Taillow.

    “Cko…” The wood gecko sighed and let go, shifting the twig in his mouth from one side to the other. It was Daedalus.

    “<Watch it!>” chirped the Taillow angrily. He looked around Treecko to see an unconscious Zigzagoon. “<What the heck were you doing?>”

    The grass starter folded his arms and looked at the tree canopies past Daedalus. “<None of your business…>” he answered informally.

    “<Right… Well I was supposed to find you. Jeff’s hurt and we’re lost so we’re supposed to go back to them,>” Daedalus explained, pulling Treecko’s hand with his talon.

    Treecko held his ground. “<I’m trying to find the others. And who’s ‘them’?>”

    “<You know that guy with the Piplup?>”

    Treecko shook his head. “<…No.>”

    Daedalus flapped his wings and continued trying to pull Treecko. “<Just come on, we’ll find the others later!>”

    Treecko yanked his hand from the talons, but nodded and followed the bird. The wood gecko walked behind the slow-flying Taillow.

    To pass the time and break the uncomfortable silence, Daedalus struck up a conversation. “<I think Jeff got a new pokemon…>”

    “<Uh… huh,>” Treecko replied, unable to care less.

    “<Yep. Someone called Drezdek, apparently. Sounds like some sort of bug pokemon based off the name. Yeah…>” Daedalus awkwardly grinned before his stomach growled.

    “<You’re thinking about eating it, aren’t you?>” Treecko said, shifting the twig in his mouth.

    Daedalus looked back. “<No! …No no! I wouldn’t eat it. Of course not! I->”

    Treecko cut in. “<Tree.>”

    Daedalus looked back forwards and slammed hard into a warm wall of bark. “Taaiiii…” he groaned, slinking to the ground.

    Treecko walked past the wounded Taillow and kept walking onward in the deep forest. Daedalus shook himself alert. “<Ugh… Treeck! Wait up!>” He flapped his wings and quickly caught up to the grass type. “<So, Treeck…>” Treecko kept his head facing ahead but shifted his eyes to the bird in response. “<Why are you suddenly going in your pokeball? I thought you were scared of pokeballs,>” Daedalus asked.

    Treecko grunted and looked back forwards. “<I’m not scared of pokeballs... I just don’t feel comfortable in them. They’re very restricting.>”

    “<Right, but why are you going in them now?>” Daedalus asked. “<And don’t say ‘It’s none of my business’!>”

    “<Fine, it’s none of your business,>” Treecko answered, placing his hands behind his head, idly.

    The Taillow sighed. “<Just tell me…>”

    Treecko reluctantly answered, “<There are worse things than going in a pokeball… like losing. And I don’t want to be treated special because I’m Jeff’s first pokemon. I hate it but I’m strong enough to be able to suffer through being in those things.>”

    Dae nodded. “<And you’re not going to run off like a selfish coward again?>”

    Treecko swung to face Daedalus, staring at him. “<I am not a coward. I had something important that I needed to do- and needed some time to think about stuff… Speaking of cowardice, when are you ever going to battle someone?>”

    Daedalus likewise swung around to face Treecko. “<How dare you call me a coward! I have led my flock in a territory war against Spearows! I will not injure another pokemon for sport! I->”

    “Pip piplup!” chirped a high voice. “<There you are!>” he exclaimed from Blane’s shoulder.

    Jeff, being supported by Blane, walked forwards through a tall bush to the two pokemon.

    “Treecko… you okay?” Jeff asked groggily.

    Treecko nodded. “<Of course I am. I’m perfectly fine, Jeff!>” he responded irately.

    The teen took a pokeball and recalled Daedalus to it before reattaching the pokeball to his belt. Treecko stood there, half-expecting to be recalled too.

    “<… Jeff, you can recall me to one of those… things, too, you know.>”

    He looked at the grass type sceptically and confusedly, but then shrugged. “If you want to…” Jeff then raised another pokeball and absorbed the pokemon into it.

    Blane looked at him with a curious look. “You having problems with your Treecko?”

    Jeff shot him a glare. “I suppose you have a perfect relationship with all of your pokemon!”

    Piplup opened his beak to retort but it was quickly muffled by Blane for its own good. “Jeez, sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it…”

    Jeff grunted and continued to limp alongside Blane. He looked up to see a small hole in the massive tree canopies and noticed that dark grey storm clouds were beginning to blanket the sky. Suddenly there was a clap of thunder.

    “Doesn’t it rain enough in Hoenn?” Blane muttered to himself, looking down at Piplup, who shrugged. He then turned to Jeff. “So how many badges do you have, Jeff?”

    He paused and looked back. “I have two.”

    “Yeah, me too. Brawly sure was tough, though. We almost lost that one, right Piplup?”

    “<Almost,>” Piplup said, nodding proudly.

    Jeff scowled at the name ‘Brawly’. Blane looked at him curiously and sighed. “What? What did I say wrong this time? I’m starting to think that you’re just a jerk that hates me for no reason!”

    It took every ounce of Jeff’s willpower not to respond to that. He wanted to tell him off for the way Jeff thought he treated his pokemon, but Jeff wouldn’t let himself at least until he could walk on his own.

    “Nothing… Brawly claims that my Onix –before I met him- went crazy and tried to destroy the town. So now he banned us from ever going back.”

    “Gee, that sucks… Did your Onix do that?” Blane asked.

    Jeff grunted and thought. He remembered the outburst on the beach and what Nurse Joy said. “I’d like to say Brawly is wrong… but I’m not sure.” Wanting to change the subject, he asked, “So you’re from Sinnoh, right?”

    Blane nodded. “Yup, Twinleaf Town- Piplup’s my starter.”

    “Why are you challenging the gyms in Hoenn and not Sinnoh?”

    “I offered to deliver something from Professor Rowan to Professor Birch, and Professor Rowan said I might as well start in Hoenn,” he explained.

    Jeff nodded and recalled seeing him in Littleroot Town when Jeff was going to get his starter.

    “I have a bit of advice for you, Blane…” Jeff told him.

    “Yeah?” Blane asked curiously.

    “When you’re in a battle you can’t win and your pokemon are really hurt, don’t keep giving them potions if they’re just going to get hurt again in the vain hope you’ll win; you’re just prolonging their pain. Y-” Jeff advised before being cut off and awaited the retort.

    “Yeah… I know,” replied Blane, catching Jeff off guard.

    “…What?”

    “I battled this guy with a Sandslash and he really taught me that doing that wasn’t right. …I still feel like a moron for that,” he said, looking down at Piplup who patted him with his flippers reassuringly.

    “Oh… A Sandslash, huh?” Jeff asked. “Was he really mysterious and have a hat?”

    “Yeah, why? You know him?”

    Jeff nodded. “He helped me in Petalburg Forest…”

    “Wow. Small world,” Blane said, stepping them over a large log.

    He nodded again and asked, “What about your pep-talks?”

    “What pep-talks?” he asked Jeff, curiously.

    The injured teen sighed. “Never mind.”

    Suddenly, a blue thing started flying towards them from out of the dark forest. Small, infrequent drops of rain began to trickle down from the trees above. It darted incredibly fast at them. Then a crack of thunder boomed, startling the blue creature and causing it to fly into Jeff’s face.

    “AHGH!” he yelled as both he, Blane and the creature fell to the forest floor. Piplup jumped on top of his trainer and sucked in, preparing to attack.

    “<Jeff! Jeff! It’s me, Jeff! It’s Strix! I’m here to find you!>” said a Zubat, flapping wildly in front of Jeff’s face.

    “Strix? It’s okay, Piplup, I know him,” he explained.

    “<Yeah, Pipster! He knows me!>” he wryly smiled before landing on Jeff’s head.

    As the two humans stood up, Jeff with much struggle, Piplup shot the Zubat a look. “<Don’t call me that.>”

    “Lead the way, Strix.”

    The Zubat nodded and flew off on Jeff’s head, erratically flying in front of them. He then spun around and started flying backwards, obviously showing off.

    “<So what happened to your leg, Jeff?! Did you break it?! You pick a fight with a Beedrill?! I heard they’re pretty bad in these parts! Did you try to do a jump off the bike path? That would have looked cool!>” he hastily asked, not stopping even to take a breath.

    The rain hitting Strix’s wings splashed onto the three as he flapped his wings to fly backwards. Lightning flashed, illuminating the four briefly.

    “Just get us out of here, okay Strix?” Jeff said, wincing from pain. “I don’t want to get struck by lightning.”

    The others agreed and trudged through the dark, now muddy forest. “<We’re almost there!>” Strix told them while doing a corkscrew-like flying manoeuvre.

    A louder thunderclap crackled nearer to them and the rain continued to fall.

    “Man, the weather in Hoenn is temperamental,” Blane muttered, now drenched.

    “Pip piplup!” muttered the water type in agreement.

    Jeff nodded. “How much longer, Strix?”

    The Zubat flew far ahead of him and stopped, flapping in his place. “<We-are-here!>”

    Blane and Jeff sped up as much as Jeff’s injured ankle would allow, and burst through the bushes. Standing under a tree was Kevin, who had a grin plastered on his face, and Rachel, who was looking rather annoyed by the fact that she had no umbrella and that they were in the middle of a thunderstorm.

    “Look who decided to show up! It’s Jeff and… some guy! Fancy driving there, J! Did you take this poor guy over the side too?” Kevin said, visibly trying hard not to crack up.

    Jeff glared at Kevin. “Laugh it up, Kev.”

    “I haven’t even started,” Kevin said. “Let me give you a hand, though.” He took Jeff’s other arm and helped Blane support him.

    “I’m Blane, by the way,” he introduced himself.

    “I’m Kevin, and that bundle of mirth over there is Rachel,” Kevin replied, pointing to a rather huffy looking Rachel.

    “Let’s just go before we get struck by lightning!” she said as Strix landed on her shoulder.

    They agreed and quickly trudged through the rain towards Mauville.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The four ran through the gates of Mauville City. The city they were entering was a large city decorated with several skyscrapers. They saw the urban center was on the bank of a large river as they ran through the rain to the pokemon center. Due to the thunderstorm, there weren’t many cars driving through the lamp-lit streets. The group went as quickly as they could up to the pokemon center. They opened the doors and walked inside.

    Kevin walked forwards through the spacious white lobby and up to the tall counter, which a Nurse Joy stood behind.

    “Hi, uhh, my friend over there in the baseball cap sprained his ankle and we were wondering if you could do something about it,” the blonde haired boy asked.

    “I’m terribly sorry,” she replied guiltily, “but we’re only supposed to treat pokemon here. There’s a hospital on the north side of town.”

    “It’s fine, Kevin, I don’t need any medical attention anyways,” Jeff insisted, wrenching away from Blane and sitting down on a cushioned, red leather seat.

    Kevin rolled his eyes and walked back to the four. He looked over at the purple, swollen injury and flicked it.

    “GAAH!” Jeff cried out in pain, clutching his leg.

    “Don’t need any medical attention… suuure…” he said with a grin.

    Jeff shot a glare at him and then looked at the others. “So… there’s a gym here, right?”

    Blane nodded. “Yup, Wattson’s the gym leader… it’s an electric type gym. Who’s coming with me?!” he questioned eagerly.

    “I am!” Kevin and Jeff both said competitively.

    “We’ll time it to see who beats him first… IF you even beat him!” Kevin said to Jeff with a rivalrous grin.

    “And no using Atlas or Prometheus,” Jeff added.

    “Got it.”

    “You’re goin’ down, Kev.”

    “Man, Jeff, it sounds like you’re talking to Alan or something!” Kevin laughed.

    Jeff grew silent. “…Yeah,” he mumbled quietly. “…I guess now I’d rather compete with someone who’s worth my effort.”

    Kevin tilted his head in curiosity and confusion.

    Blane stepped forwards. “I bet I could beat him quicker than both of you,” he said with a confident smile.

    “Okay, Blane’s in. No using ground pokemon,” Kevin said. “What about you, Rache? Are you gonna battle?”

    She shook her head. “Nope, I don’t really care about pokemon battles. Besides, it’s an electric type gym; I don’t want Strix or Avis getting hurt.”

    “Why are you travelling if you aren’t collecting badges?” Jeff asked, curiously while getting out a potion from Kevin’s bag.

    Rachel shrugged dismissively. “It’s kinda complicated.”

    “Yeah and no one cares!” added Kevin with joking smile on his face.

    She glared at him and looked at Strix. “Can you go bite him or something?”

    The Zubat shook his head. “<I like Kevin!>”

    Rachel sighed. “What did he say?”

    Kevin started walking to the door of the pokemon center. “He said I’m awesome.”

    Jeff finished spraying his leg with the potion and stood up with a wince. He walked back over to the counter and handed Nurse Joy Drezdk’s pokeball. “Could you please heal this Beedrill for me?”

    She nodded and took the pokeball. “Of course… Lots of Beedrills these days, it seems like. Come back in thirty minutes, please.”

    “Thanks,” he said before walking back to the group. The four of them walked out of the pokemon center. Blane followed last, after conversing with some teenager.

    “Hey, guys,” Blane said, stepping into the rain. “I was talking to some guy in there who just battled Wattson and he said that the battles are one on one. What pokemon are you guys going to use?”

    “Uhhh… I guess Blitz is my only real choice,” Kevin said with some discomfort before throwing a pokeball onto the ground. A Scyther appeared on the concrete sidewalk. Standing in the rainy night, he turned towards Kevin, his wings twitching slightly as the rain hit them.

    “<Hello, Kevin. What is it that you need?>” the mantis asked, standing uneasily in the rain.

    “Uhh… well…” he said slowly, as if he were mulling something over.

    “<…Kevin…>” Blitz whispered before making a quick upwards motion with his head to the sky. He then looked at the others out of the corner of his eye, hoping they didn’t see.

    Kevin looked up at the sky and he quickly remembered something. “Oh right! Let’s go to the gym already so we don’t get –uhh- soaked,” he suggested running ahead along the wet road with Blitz at his side.

    As he ran he asked. “Blitz? How would you like a last gym battle?”

    “<Of course, Kevin… last?>” he asked in confusion. Kevin sped up and made it to the front door, which he held open for the water-logged Scyther.

    The others didn’t hasten to catch up with the two, despite the rain. Blane turned to Jeff. “So, what pokemon are you using?”

    “Uhhh, I don’t really know. Treecko would make the most sense, but he might still be hurt… and I know Corphish has been itching to battle, but he’s a water type… Daedalus and Dre-… the Beedrill are both out of the question. What about you? I’m hoping you leave Piplup on the bench this time.”

    Piplup tilted his head, somewhat insulted. “<What? You don’t think I could handle it? I->”

    “Piplup…” he warned good-heartedly. “I think I’m using Bagon for the fight.”

    “A Bagon!?” Jeff said, surprised and somewhat spiteful. “You sure got lucky. I remember Professor Birch said those are rare.”

    “Yeah… You could say I got lucky; he’s great! Want me to introduce him to you?” he answered with pride.

    “Uhh… sure.”

    Blane took out a pokeball and pointed it towards his left arm. There was a bright flash of light and a small, light blue reptile appeared in his arms. The rain drops splashed down and ran off the back of Bagon’s head, which had three white, boney crests.

    “Bag bagon!” he said, rubbing his beige underbelly and jaw.

    Rachel came up from behind them with Strix, interested in the new pokemon.

    “What’s that?” she asked.

    “Jeff and Rachel… this is Bagon. Bagon, these are my friends Jeff and Rachel,” Blane explained.

    Jeff’s jaw dropped. “…‘Friends’?!” he thought, stunned.

    “<Nice to meet you,>” the Bagon said acknowledgingly.

    The teen stared blankly at him. “Uhhh… Oh! Uh, yeah. You too,” Jeff said to Bagon.

    Blane looked at the two. “Should we catch up to Kevin? We’re getting soaked.”

    “Yeah, let’s hurry to the gym already!” Rachel agreed.

    Jeff stalled. “You guys go ahead… I’ll catch up to you,” he said, taking out a pokeball.

    They nodded and ran off through the night rain towards the gym at the end of the street. He released the occupant of the pokeball on the ground. The bright white light against the dark backdrop of the night hurt Jeff’s eyes. When his vision refocused, he saw the green form of Treecko walking calmly towards him as the grass type ceremoniously put his twig in his now-wet green mouth.

    “<I see you’re walking now,>” observed Treecko.

    “That’s right, Treecko… thanks for trying to get help.”

    The lizard’s eyes looked off to the side as he nodded. “<Where are we?>”

    “Mauville City. I’m about to challenge a gym…”

    “<Okay… Then let’s go fight.>”

    “Hold on there…” Jeff said deterrently. “Your ribs… how are they?”

    Treecko raised a rain-drenched eyebrow in slight irritation. “<Seriously?>” he thought to himself. The grass type then spoke up. “<My ribs have never been better…>”

    “Do you think you can battle okay?” he asked with concern.

    “<…Of course I can battle okay!>” he replied, slightly insulted. “<What is this about?>”

    Jeff sighed. “Last time you got beat up pretty b-” he attempted to say before being cut off.

    Treecko stepped forward into the orange street light which shone upon Jeff. He attempted to remain as calm as possible while interrupting. “<But I won… and now I’m fine and now I’m stronger,>” he coolly explained in self-assurance.

    “But-”

    “<Look! I’m not a child. I can take care of myself without you having to watch over me like a Staraptor. If you’ve shut up, then I’m going to win this gym battle whether you want me to or not,>” he boldly told him. Treecko then turned and began to walk down the street in the rain, leaving a drenched Jeff standing in the orange glow of the street light.

    “…I just don’t want you to die again,” he silently murmured to himself. He slowly tailed his starter and walked up to a large yellow building with the words “gym” plastered above the entrance. He opened the glass door and the two stepped inside.

    Meanwhile, Kevin and Blitz waited on the bleachers around the arena. This gym hall was fairly straight forward: the floor was flat ground, dirt, and there were no obstacles on the field. It seemed Wattson liked to keep things simple. The security guard told Kevin that Wattson would be arriving at the gym shortly.

    Kevin swung around his hiking backpack and zipped it open. He reached in and pulled out a neatly folded beach towel. He then unfolded it and began drying off Blitz with it, as the Scyther couldn’t himself due to his awkward scythes.

    “<Thank you, Kevin,>” the Scyther said appreciatively.

    “No problem,” the teen answered simply and hastily.

    “<Please, do not tell the others that I fe->”

    “I won’t… I promise,” Kevin said somewhat downbeatly while drying the scythe closest to him.

    Blitz faintly smiled, but it disappeared when he noticed his trainer’s gloomy expression. “<What is the matter, Kevin?>”

    Kevin looked at him and forced a smirk. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

    Blitz didn’t entirely believe him, but he nodded, wanting to respect his privacy. “<What is it that you implied earlier when you said ‘last gym battle’?>”

    The teenager stalled. The two swung their heads towards the arena door that led to the front lobby. From the door came Blane, Rachel, Jeff, Treecko, and a man in his late fifties. The somewhat stout man held an umbrella to keep his brown sweater and yellow undershirt from getting wet from the rain. The colour of his pants matched the colour of his undershirt. There was a lightning-shaped patch on his upper sleeve; it was Wattson. His white hair and beard looked like he had been electrocuted because it looked like it was permanently sticking out.

    “Kevin!” Rachel called out, beckoning him down.

    He nodded and he and Blitz walked down to the arena floor. They went up to the old gym leader, who inspected them.

    “So this is the third competitor? Excellent! I hope you’re as ecSTATIC as I am for this match! …BAHAHAHAHAAAH!!” he chortled hysterically.

    There was silence. The four teenagers looked at each other and wordlessly agreed to force a smile or even a laugh. Jeff cleared his throat, “So, are there any special conditions for this match?”

    “Hahah... hee… Err, I don’t have enough pokemon with me, so it will be a single one on one match for each challenger. Who’s up first?!”

    Blane stepped forwards with Bagon before Kevin could raise his hand. “I am!”

    “Ah! I see a spark in this one!” he said before a hearty giggle.

    “I’ll use Bagon here,” Blane told him eagerly.

    “Then let’s cut to the chase.” Wattson walked to his side of the arena and signalled to the referee.

    “It will be a one on one battle… one pokemon each… the first person with their pokemon unable to battle will be the loser,” said the ref in a voice that said he’d rather be at home with his friends watching the football game where the Pinsirs were facing the Rhydons. “…Begin…”

    “Let’s win this quick, Bagon!” Blane encouraged as the tiny dragon hopped in front of him on the battlefield.

    “Bag gon!” he eagerly complied.

    Jeff, Rachel, and Kevin all took seats on the bleachers; Kevin was careful to take mental notes of Wattson’s fighting style.

    “Magnemite!” Wattson beckoned, calling out his pokemon. In a flash of light, a floating metal ball with an eye appeared floating above the arena ground. The light emitted by the pokemon brightly reflected off the metallic lustre and the magnets coming off both the ball’s left and right side.

    “Magnemiiiiiiite,” it droned mechanically.

    “You get the first move,” Wattson called to his opponent.

    Blane nodded and then looked to Bagon. “Start it off with focus energy, buddy!”

    The dragon shut his eyes and began to thoroughly concentrate. He seemed to be completely relaxed.

    “Wow,” Jeff said aloud in surprise, “I expected him to go in guns blazing.”

    “He’s not Kevin, Jeff,” Rachel replied.

    “Good!” said Kevin with a grin. “I think even I’d hate another one of me!”

    “Magnemite, hit him with a thunderbolt!”

    The floating magnet began to pulse electricity into its magnets. A large bolt of lighting shot out from the magnet’s poles and speedily went towards Bagon. The concentrating dragon opened his eyes and threw himself to the side, electricity just missing him. The attack struck the ground where he was standing, which exploded in sparks and left a black scorch mark of the floor.

    “Concentrate, Bagon! I know you can do this!” Blane yelled out. “Get in close for a headbutt!”

    “And there’s the pep talks,” Jeff said to himself, standing up.

    Kevin looked up. “If you’re going to the vending machine, can you pick me up some stuff? I’ll pay you back,” he asked.

    Jeff paused. “Uhh… yeah, sure. I was actually going to get Drezdk from the pokemon center, but I guess I can get something on the way.”

    He limped down and off the bleachers, going slowly towards the door while warily looking behind him in case of stray attacks. Jeff opened the door, walked out to the lobby, and then went out to the dark street. He limped as quickly as possible to the pokemon center up the street so he wouldn’t get soaked again. The teen entered through the automatic doors and approached the counter.

    “Ah yes, you must be here for your Beedrill. I took him out to deal with his hurt wings; he was very sweet. There was something strange with his wings, though, they were-”

    “I know, the bottom pair was missing,” Jeff interrupted.

    “No- the bottom pair was stuck to the upper pair using a substance that I believe is a Beedrill’s string shot. The half of the bases of the wings was torn so they appeared mutilated.”

    Jeff was shocked. “Really? Will he be able to fly again?”

    “Yes, I’ve added some medicine to increase the tissue growth. He should be fit to fly in a couple days,” she explained reassuringly.

    “Great! Thanks!”

    Nurse Joy looked at him curiously. “… I believe the wounds were self-inflicted…” she said, choosing her words carefully. “Is he… okay? I have a program that might help…”

    Jeff scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “He didn’t do this to himself out of sadness, I don’t think. I mean… he is sad over losing his friend, but I’m almost certain that he did this in order to save himself from death. He said that his hive was pretty… uhh… cruel. I don’t know the full story, but…”

    Nurse Joy nodded in understanding before handing over the pokeball. “If you two ever need anything, then feel free to come here,” he said, smiling.

    Jeff thanked her appreciatively and walked over to near the front doors. There he stood and released Drezdk onto the ground. The Beedrill appeared on the ground, looked around and then stood before Jeff.

    “<…Hello.>”

    “…Hey… How are you feeling?” He was replied with a blank stare from Drezdk’s red eyes. “Sorry… stupid question.”

    Drezdk looked outside. “<Do you mind if we walk?>”

    “Oh, sure,” Jeff said, walking in front of the automatic door to open it. “Good news, your wings will be healed in a few days!”

    The Beedrill nodded silently and walked alongside Jeff in the rainy night. “<Did you find your friend?>”

    The teen nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

    “<…That’s good.>”

    Jeff placed his hand on Drezdk’s shoulder. “The friend I mentioned… I nearly lost him once… I kind of know how you feel, Drezdek.”

    Drezdk wrenched away from the human’s grip. “<All due respect – ‘Jeff’ is it? - but you have no idea how it feels to have your life-long best friend die in your arms and then disappear without a trace! And it’s ‘Drezdk’!>” he angrily snapped.

    Jeff looked down at the ground. “… Sorry…”

    After a short silence, he glanced over at Drezdk. The Beedrill looked at him with a guilty expression and tears brimming. “<I’m truly sorry, I’m not usually rude like that. I know you were just trying to help and I appreciate all that you’ve done for me… but I… I just keep thinking that what happened to Tal was all my fault!>”

    Jeff replaced his hand on the pokemon’s back. “I’m sure it wasn’t. You can stay with us as long as you want.”

    Drezdk turned away and wiped his eyes with his right stinger. “<…Thank you, Jeff… Can I please go back inside that odd contraption now?>”

    He nodded and recalled the bug pokemon to the pokeball just as they had come up to the gym. Jeff opened the front door, purchased a Coca Cola for both himself and Kevin, and then cautiously entered the arena.

    As he looked in, he saw Blane rush over to his pokemon and pick him up. “Awesome work, Bagon. I knew you could do it! Way to win us a badge!”

    “<Thanks.>” The Bagon smiled and nursed the small burn mark on his head from when he had collided with the Magnemite in the fight. As this happened, Jeff quickly walked back up to his seat on the bleachers.

    “Good show, lad! I’ll give you your badge after I finish with your two friends,” Wattson explained, grinning and returning Magnemite to its pokeball.

    “Got it. I’m gonna take Bagon to the pokemon center, guys,” Blane called over to the three.

    “Okay! Nice job, Blane!” Rachel called back.

    “I’ll beat him faster!” Kevin yelled competitively as he stood up. “I timed you!”

    “Why don’t I just get a ruler for you three?” Rachel asked with a smirk.

    “Because I think you already know that I’d win that contest bar-none, too,” Kevin said smugly.

    “If you say so, Kevin…” she sighed.

    Blitz, remembering being shown a ruler in Kevin’s house, asked, “<Excuse me, Kevin… but what is it that you would measure with a ruler?>”

    Kevin, being stared at by Blitz, started to blush as he thought of a delicate way to put it.

    “Ask Corphish,” Jeff said, helping him out while also throwing him his drink.

    “What he said!” answered Kevin, standing up and putting his drink down as a placeholder for his seat. “Now… let’s start this battle.”

    Blitz nodded and followed him off the bleachers and down to where Blane previously stood. Kevin took out a pokeball and tossed it to Rachel. “Let Ace out; I want to show him that winning battles can be fun!”

    She nodded. “…But what if you lose?”

    Kevin merely grinned. “We won’t.”

    She rolled her eyes and released Ace in her lap. He looked around the area, confused. “Kevin and Blitz are competing in a gym battle,” she explained.

    He slowly nodded and looked down at the two. Jeff took out a pokeball of his own. “I should let Corphish out for some air.” The shellfish pokemon materialized and landed on his lap, causing Jeff to sharply exhale. “Did you gain weight?” he asked, jokingly.

    “<I didn’t gain weight… I just lost height! …Yeah!>” he indignantly replied. Corphish then looked over to Treecko, who was sitting a couple feet to the right of Jeff, idly chewing his twig. “<Plant butt!>” he exclaimed happily, scuttling over to him.

    Treecko looked over and nodded. “<Corp.>”

    “<I take it you’re going to be the one battling in this gym match?>” he asked, motioning to the gym ground.

    The grass type nodded.

    “<Aw… well don’t collapse any more lungs; I was worried about you!>” he said, patting his friend’s back with his claw.

    “<I’ll be fine,>” he insisted with calm confidence.

    Corphish turned back to Jeff. “<Hey, let Dae out! I haven’t seen him in ages!>”

    Jeff stalled and looked down at the arena, watching Kevin and Blitz prepare as the referee restated the rules. “Uhh… I don’t think he-”

    Corphish walked over mid-sentence and snatched the pokeball off of Jeff’s belt and then pointed it beside him. Emerging from the light was the Taillow, cracking his neck and stretching as he appeared.

    “<Featherface!>” Corphish happily greeted.

    “<Heya, Corppy… what’s going on here?>” he asked, gesturing to Kevin and Blitz.

    Jeff bit his lip and slowly moved away from the bird. Corphish smiled. “<This, my good Taillow, is your first arena-side gym battle.>”

    Daedalus let out a caw that could safely be considered an expletive. “<…So who’s battling for our ever-so moral human?>” he asked, huffily.

    “<Treeck is,>” Corphish replied.

    “<Hmph… At least no one I care about is going to get hurt…>” Dae scoffed quietly.

    Once again having his hearing underestimated, Treecko turned his eyes to coldly stare at Daedalus, and then turned them back to watch the battle. The Taillow averted the gaze, rubbed the side of his head with his wing, and pretended like nothing happened.

    “<Would you like to say that again, Dae? I don’t think the people of Johto heard all of that!>” Corphish replied, giving him a pat of the back. The crustacean then looked over to see Ace curiously watching Kevin and Blitz impatiently wait for the ref to finish. Corphish climbed up to Jeff, who was sitting to the right of Rachel.

    “<Hey! I don’t believe we’ve officially met,>” he said, getting Ace’s attention. Ace shyly looked over. “<I’m Corphish, but you can call me ‘Corp’, ‘Corppy’, or ‘Sir Awesome the Fourth’.>” The shellfish stuck out his claw for a handshake.

    Ace nodded and very slowly moved his hand towards Corphish’s claw for the handshake. He noticed that it was a somewhat sharp pincer and he paused the movement. The Squirtle looked up at Corphish, who smiled, and then back down at his small hand. He gulped and slowly moved his hand towards the pincer; the closer his hand got, the more it started shaking from fear.

    “<Relax…>” Corphish smirked. “<It’s not like I’m going to tear you limb from limb or anything…>”

    Ace completely froze and his eyes widened and pupils shrunk. The colour drained from his face so that he was a very pale blue hue. Corphish’s smile grew and he clicked his pincer once. “Squir!!!!” Ace sputtered, instantly retreating back into his shell in Rachel’s lap.

    Daedalus hopped over and whacked Corphish on the back of the head with his wing. “<That was mean!>” he scolded.

    “<And saying that you wish Treeck was dead was SO the work of a saint,>” Corphish smugly answered.

    “<I didn’t say that!>” he defensively replied. He jumped to between Jeff and Rachel and began to attempt to get on the better side of Ace.

    Meanwhile, the ref finished monotonously reading the rules and Wattson was now ready, as well.

    “I’m ready when you are, laddy!” Wattson yelled over across the field.

    “Then let’s start this!” Kevin replied. “Ready, Blitz?”

    The Scyther stepped forwards and raised his scythes in an offensive guard. “<Of course, Kevin.>”

    “Let’s roll, Voltorb!” Wattson threw out a pokeball and from it appeared what seemed to be a much larger pokeball with eyes. The red and white sphere rolled forwards on the floor and crackled with electricity. “Use Spark!” The electricity around the pokemon increased and it began to roll faster across the floor.

    “Blitz! Quick Attack!” Kevin shouted. A smirk seemed to appear on Blitz’s face and he rushed forwards, matching the Voltorb’s quick speed.

    “I kinda hope Wattson wins,” Jeff muttered.

    Corphish looked up at him. “<You’re as bad as Dae; I don’t see why you two don’t get along!>” The water type then found his head being whacked by a dark blue wing again.

    Ace emerged from his shell just as Blitz rushed forwards. The Scyther and Voltorb were headed straight for the other. As Blitz dashed, he dragged his right scythe in the ground, creating sparks as it was sharpened. He then raised the scythe above his head. The sparking spherical pokemon was now just meters away from him.

    “Agility!” Kevin called.

    In the blink of an eye, Blitz moved diagonally from heading straight towards Voltorb to appearing behind him. A chill crawled down Jeff’s back at the deadly speed of the pokemon. Blitz than turned around and charged Voltorb. All that the electric pokemon could see was ground and the daunting, upside-down image of a Scyther charging towards him. Blitz rammed the Voltorb and sent him careening to the floor where he rolled to a stop after a few meters.

    “Charge beam, Voltorb!” Wattson called, rather calmly.

    The pokemon shook himself alert and started to build up electricity. He then shot a massive surge of crackling blue electricity at the Scyther. Blitz effortlessly side stepped, the beam missing him completely.

    “Slash, Blitz!” Kevin yelled, a confident grin plastered on his face.

    The Scyther darted towards Voltorb, raising his scythe. With tremendous speed, he brought the jagged metal down on the pokemon. Voltorb cringed and let out a pained buzz. Blitz’s metal conducted the electricity emitted from the electric type and coursed through his arm, making him wince and withdraw the scythe.

    Corphish looked at Jeff, who was rather fidgety. “<You don’t look so good, Jeffy. You look like you’ve seen a ghost pokemon. Maybe a Scooby-snack would help?>”

    “I’m fine…” he assured, watching the Scyther fervently deliver more blows with his scythe.

    “Voltorb, hang in there!” Wattson called over to the wincing orb pokemon. “Use Spark!”

    Voltorb hopped back from the blows and built up more electricity. He then lunged towards Blitz with tremendous force.

    “Blitz, sidestep!!!”

    The Scyther shifted his body sideways and leaned backwards. Voltorb just barely missed hitting his chest. Then, just as Voltorb was passing right in front of him, Blitz stretched out his two scythes and caught a shaky hold on him. Ignoring the electricity going through his arms, he used the momentum of Voltorb’s tackle to spin around at increased speed. Blitz swung around three times before hurling Voltorb upwards in the air. He immediately flapped his wings and flew upwards after him, matching his speed.

    Just as Voltorb was reaching the peak of the height that he could go, Blitz appeared in front of him and raised his right scythe to his left shoulder.

    “<Crap…>” the Voltorb managed to squeak in a buzzing voice.

    A Kevin-like smile appeared on Blitz’s face and he immediately slashed diagonally downwards, sending Voltorb flying to the ground. He hit the ground about ten feet in front of Kevin before detonating. The blonde-haired teen braced himself and was nearly knocked off his feet by the discharge of energy.

    Wattson frowned but then started to chuckle light-heartedly. “Wow, that was a blast!” he exclaimed with a laugh, recalling the unconscious Voltorb.

    Blitz flew down in front of Kevin. “<I apologize for that; I didn’t expect him to detonate, though I should have.>”

    “Haha!” Kevin laughed, ecstatically hugging the mantis. “Don’t worry about it, you kicked ***!”

    Blitz smiled and hugged him back, conscious of his scythes. “<Thank you, Kevin.>” Despite this, he still shocked Kevin due to the electricity in his scythes.

    “Gah!” he sputtered, jumping.

    Blitz almost let out a chuckle. “<Should we go collect our badge now?>”

    Kevin paused and came to a realization. “Oh… uhh… yeah, sure…” he mumbled, glumly.

    “<What is wrong?>”

    “Uhh… we have to have a talk later…” Just as Kevin said this, Jeff came up to him with Treecko, taking their place on the field.

    The two walked back up to the bleachers and Wattson took out his third pokeball. Meanwhile, Treecko confidently stepped forwards on the field.

    “Let’s go, Electrike!” Wattson called, throwing a pokeball onto the arena. Emerging from the ball was a light green dog-like creature with yellow ears and tail. It stepped forwards and snarled, electricity shooting from its bristling green fur. “This must be the Jeff that Brawly mentioned to me yesterday. Let’s see if what that surfer nut says is true or not… Electrike, use Discharge!”

    Jeff glanced with shock at Treecko, not knowing that the ref gave the okay to start already. “Treecko, play this defensively! He’s going to be using fast and disabling attacks!”

    Treecko shook his head. “<Then I should go out and meet him before he gets the chance to use them,>” he calmly replied.

    “Treeck, no, stay where-” But before he could finish, Treecko dashed forwards, just barely dodging the electrical attack that was headed towards him. “Damnit,” Jeff murmured. “Try a quick attack, then!”

    The speedy wood gecko dashed towards the pokemon, who was still cooling down from the electric attack he emitted, and swung his tail around, slamming it into the Electrike’s face. Electrike flew to the side, but managed to land standing on his feet.

    “Careful, Electrike! Try Spark!” the gym leader ordered.

    “Trike, trike!” Electrike barked, charging forwards towards Treecko. The grass type attempted to dodge, but was slightly too slow to the draw; Treecko was hit by both Electrike and coursing electricity in the chest, sending him backwards onto the floor.

    “Treecko!” Jeff yelled out.

    The wood gecko immediately got to his feet. “<I’m fine,>” he called back.

    “Electrike, go for a Thunder Fang now!” Wattson said.

    Electrike started bounding towards Treecko, sparking fangs bore. Treecko took a defensive stance and glared at his oncoming foe.

    “Don’t just stand there, Treeck! Keep moving so he won’t hit you!” Jeff shouted as the green hound-like pokemon raced closer.

    “<No, I’ve got a better idea,>” he replied. Treecko’s eyes locked with the oncoming Electrike’s and he glared into them. Electrike was confused as to why his opponent seemed to be welcoming the attack, but he continued charging ahead. Treecko remained standing in his place, staring down the electric pokemon.

    “Treecko, what are you doing?!” Jeff yelled, growing impatient.

    Hmm, he and the Treecko don’t seem to be working well as a team, at all,” Wattson thought, examining the two.

    Electrike lunged at the grass type, prepared to bite and still fixated on the reptile’s glaring eyes. As the fangs were now inches away from his upper body, Treecko leaned backwards, using his tail as a tripod. Electrike’s fur brushed horizontally against his red stomach, bristling with static as it did; it was just far enough so that Electrike missed and flew over Treecko, landing several meters behind him.

    Immediately after this, Treecko used the momentum from falling backwards to pivot on his tail to turn around and then stand back up, facing behind Electrike. He grinned and then opened up his mouth to use Bullet Seed. Four glowing seed-sized balls of energy came from his mouth and hit Electrike, causing him to cringe, but four was all.

    His eyes widened and he attempted to fire again. Nothing. A bead of sweat dripped down his face. Again, he tried to use the attack, but it was to no avail.

    “Crapcrapcrap,” Jeff murmured, clenching his fists.

    “<Uh oh, he’s shooting duds again,>” Corphish remarked. Daedalus merely smirked in reply, watching closely.

    Wattson tilted his head in confusion, but shrugged it off and called to Electrike. “Quick Attack and Thunder Fang!”

    Electrike barked in agreement and charged towards Treecko, who still attempted to use his attack. The lightning pokemon dove at Treecko, dug his teeth into his left shoulder and brought him to the ground. The grass type cried out as electricity coursed through him, but he shoved Electrike off of him.

    “Treeck!” Jeff called over. “Are you alright?!”

    The Treecko sluggishly sat upwards, flinching. “<I’m… fah-fine- errgh!>” he attempted to reply. He slowly got to one knee, at the pace of a tortoise. Treecko tried to stand up but then he froze in his place. He winced and then fell forwards onto the floor.

    “Treecko!” Jeff yelled, louder and more concerned this time.

    The wood gecko grimaced and got back up to his hands and knees. Wattson grinned. “He’s paralyzed, laddie! You don’t happen to have a paralyze heal for that, do you?”

    Jeff glowered. “How are you doing, Treeck?!”

    Treecko got back up on one knee and looked back at Jeff out of the corner of his eye. “<Fine… Can still fight…>”

    Wattson sighed. “I’m calling this match, lad!”

    Both Jeff and Treecko darted their heads towards him in shock. “<I can still fight!>” the latter shouted in a growl.

    “But he’s not knocked out yet!” Jeff also protested.

    “He’s paralyzed from my Electrike. He doesn’t stand a chance against us now. We’d only be prolonging his pain.”

    “But-”

    “You can’t win, I’m telling you! Besides, if you two can’t work together by this point… neither of you really deserve the Dynamo Badge. Go to the pokemon center, settle out your differences, train, and then come back here for a rematch. We have these gym battles for a reason, lad; it’s not just to test strength, but also cooperation and the relationships between a trainer and pokemon.” Wattson looked over to the ref, who impatiently nodded.

    “Treecko is unable to battle, Wattson and Electrike are the winners.”

    There was an eerie silence, which was broken moments later by Daedalus cracking up into a fit of laughter.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 30th October 2008 at 1:20 AM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  8. #258
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    Yay! You're back! and... could it be? a gym battle?!

    God golly (where did that come from?) I'd better get my spot in line...

    oh, bobandbill? too bad dude...

    The Corp strikes back... the ruler gag was hilarious. Dae and Treeck should really learn to get along... but then again, they never may. The 'Pipster' line was funny, too...

    Treeck losing might be good for the arrogant Wood Gecko especially since Blitz, a half-flying type won. but then again, maybe not... Guess Jeff should have used Drezdk...

    Wattson's attempts at humor are rather subtle, aren't they? ecSTATIC... Youko and SwordHunter would be so saddened by the puns...

    Got to run... keep it up!

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 30th October 2008 at 3:05 PM.
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
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  9. #259
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    (Yeah, it's been a while since I reviewed... but I'm here now! In passing I thought the last few chapters were decent - and better as they went as well. Quite liked them, and also the addition of the Beedrill, who I'll think will be quite the character to follow as well.)

    Anyway, this chapter was also good - I quite liked it. It was decent in plot and all, and the characters still remain solid and intriguing. Also it was a very good ending to the battles as well, I thought - having Jeff's friends (and especially Kevin and btw I found it interesting, his reaction to being called a friend as well) win their badges, but him losing out and then being told to work his cooperation and relationship with a cranky and stubborn Treecko. And I also really liked the final line as well - summed it up quite well.

    Description was ok, but a little light, and think you could have expanded on it some more... but the dialogue was well done overall, and again the characters and interactions between them stand out beyond the rest. The humour from time to time as well were also enjoyable, as always. But my favourite part of it remains the end part, albeilt there were quite a few interesting things here and there.

    A fair few quotes as well...
    Treecko inhaled but then stopped. The wood gecko sensed something was coming up behind him. He pretended to be oblivious to the thing coming towards him. He could feel a wind blow with it. Suddenly, right before it could reach him, he spun around and grabbed it by the neck. The surprised pokemon let out a squawk. Treecko was grabbing the neck of a Taillow.
    The similar sentence length and structure there was rather noticeable for me... felt a bit repetitive and uncomfortable for me, and a bit simplistic. 'Treecko did this...he felt that... then he did this... it did that....' - kinda how it felt like, that paragraph. Maybe merging a few sentences and expanding a touch would help fix this.
    “<Right… Well I was supposed to find you.
    Maybe a comma after 'Well'?
    “<Yep. Someone called Drezdek, apparently. Sounds like some sort of bug pokemon based off the name. Yeah…>” Daedalus awkwardly grinned before his stomach growled.

    “<You’re thinking about eating it, aren’t you?>” Treecko said, shifting the twig in his mouth.

    Daedalus looked back. “<No! …No no! I wouldn’t eat it. Of course not! I->”

    Treecko cut in. “<Tree.>”

    Daedalus looked back forwards and slammed hard into a warm wall of bark.
    Yay for slapstick... and a hungry Taillow as well.
    “Oh… A Sandslash, huh?” Jeff asked. “Was he really mysterious and have a hat?”
    Maybe 'did he' before 'have' there, as it does seem a bit like Jeff skipped a couple of words there, slightly. Suggestion only though.
    “<Yeah, Pipster! He knows me!>” he wryly smiled before landing on Jeff’s head.
    A Piplup being called 'Pipster' is quite amusing. XD
    “I don’t want to get struck by lightning.”

    The others agreed and trudged through the dark, now muddy forest.
    “Let’s just go before we get struck by lightning!” she said as Strix landed on her shoulder.

    They agreed and quickly trudged through the rain towards Mauville.
    Twice, you had someone say 'I don't want to get hit by lightning', followed by the rest aggreing, and in the same way too ('get struck/get hit by Lightning" - The others/They agreed). Change one of those - and I don't think you need to have such similar things being repeated, tbh either.

    The four ran through the gates of Mauville City. The city they were entering was a large city decorated with several skyscrapers. They saw the urban center was on the bank of a large river as they ran through the rain to the pokemon center. Due to the thunderstorm, there weren’t many cars driving through the lamp-lit streets. The group went as quickly as they could up to the pokemon center. They opened the doors and walked inside.
    Here, too, I felt that the sentence length and structure was all too similar... along with all but one sentence starting with 'The' or 'They'. It does make it feel repetitive, and could use some rewording.
    “So this is the third competitor? Excellent! I hope you’re as ecSTATIC as I am for this match! …BAHAHAHAHAAAH!!” he chortled hysterically.

    There was silence. The four teenagers looked at each other and wordlessly agreed to force a smile or even a laugh.
    Yay for overly-enthusiastic Gym Leaders who like puns.
    The Taillow averted the gaze, rubbed the side of his head with his wing, and pretended like nothing happened.
    'Like' feels awkward... maybe change to 'that', I'll suggest.

    Overall it was quite enjoyable to read, have to say, and a decent chapter. Would have liked a bit more description as it felt a little bare... but nevertheless well done on the chapter, and keep it up.

    EDIT: And darn you, Air Dragon, for posting a temp. post before I could post my review. *shakes his fist while grumbling about his internet*

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

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  10. #260
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    i must say that its still great. I feel like i want to slap treecko in the face.

    maybe some chikorita love will brighten him

    sorry

    i'd say i'm looking forward to see what happens to treecko and jeff.

    i'm thinking of another clash possibility.

    Credit to MagicMochi for jolteon/leafeon banner.

  11. #261
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    Thanks for the reviews everyone, they're always appreciated.

    Air Dragon: True, they should but... we'll see. And subtle jokes indeed. xD

    Bobandbill: Yeah, I'm slowly starting to get back in the swing of things. The description is definately better in the next chapter. Thanks for the structure tips, I seem to have the most trouble with that, still.

    Admittedly, slapstick is still my favourite kind of humour. Yes, adding the "did he" would definately be a good idea. xD I also didn't notice that repitition, thanks for pointing it out. I'll have to edit it later since serebii is being a jerk again.

    Also, Happy slightly belated birthday! And where is an ideal place to stay in Australian? I've been told Queensland, but I'm not sure.

    Slipomatic: Haha, maybe. Just maybe. *thinks* We'll have to see what happens.

    Again, thanks all for the reviews.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 9th November 2008 at 5:32 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  12. #262
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    Resolve


    Jeff sat down on the red cushioned couch of the pokemon center. He leaned forward and settled his forehead into his palms, rain-soaked hair resting between his fingers. The teen had just given Treecko’s pokeball to the Nurse Joy, his face still burning from humiliation. Kevin sat down on the cushion left of him and Rachel sat to the left of Kevin. The blonde haired guy shook Jeff’s shoulder.

    “Come on, Jeff, he only wiped the floor with you a little!” he said, trying his best not to burst out laughing. His self control only held for about three seconds. Kevin then started guffawing. “Maybe you should change your name to ‘Swiffer’!” Strix, who was perched on Kevin’s left shoulder, also started snickering

    “Kevin! Strix!” Rachel scolded.

    Jeff’s hands clenched and he glowered, burning holes into Kevin out of the corner of his eye. “If I was Treecko, Nurse Joy would be removing a tail from your skull right now…”

    “Looking back at your gym match earlier, that’s doubtful,” he replied, still grinning.

    “Hey!” Jeff angrily snapped, grabbing Kevin’s navy blue shirt collar with his left hand. Kevin grabbed Jeff’s collar in response, tensions rising. Rachel and Strix immediately got between the two and broke them apart before anything could escalate.

    Jeff grunted and let go reluctantly, shifting back on the couch. “…Where’d Blane go, anyways? Didn’t he say that he was going to be at the center?”

    “He didn’t say,” Rachel answered, looking around the center.

    Nurse Joy happened to overhear the conversation as she walked over to them with Treecko and Blitz’s pokeballs. “Excuse me, do you mean ‘Blane Grohl’?” she asked, handing the pokeballs to Kevin and Jeff.

    “Uhh, we didn’t catch his last name, but that’s probably him,” Kevin replied.

    “Alright. When I was getting his trainer information in regards to one of his pokemon, he said to tell a group of three people his age that he was over in the hotel across the street and to meet him there. I assume you must be that group.”

    “Oh, okay. Thanks!” Rachel said to her.

    Kevin and Jeff also thanked her for healing their pokemon before getting up and off of the couch. “What time is it, Rache?”

    Checking her watch, she answered, “Twenty-three forty two.”

    “What are you, in the military or something?”

    “Luckily for you, I’m not,” she warned, opening the pokemon center doors which led out into the pouring night rain.

    They looked up at the hotel which stood twenty-five stories high, which loomed over the pokemon center. Then, Kevin and Rachel started running towards the brightly lit lobby of the building, Jeff unenthusiastically walking after them. They entered the large lobby and saw Blane walking away from the reception desk. At this late hour, there were only a few people walking around the fancily tiled area.

    “Hey, guys!” he greeted, coming over to them.

    “Hey, what are ya doin’?” Kevin asked, looking around the place.

    “I figured that if we didn’t want to sleep in the thunderstorm, I should get us a few rooms,” he explained.

    “Really? You paid for our rooms?” Rachel asked gratefully.

    He nodded. “I could only get three. Two rooms with one bed and one room with two beds.”

    “Oh boy,” Jeff mumbled. Strix flew beside his head, spraying him with rain water as he rapidly flapped his wings.

    Kevin stepped forwards. “Okay then, why don’t you two take the two single rooms and me and Jeff take the room with two beds.”

    Jeff sighed. “Lucky me.”

    “Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Jeff; it’ll be like a sleepover.”

    “With both Kevin and a homicidal bug pokemon? Yeah, I can always look forward to that!” he replied.

    “I think Corphish’s sarcasm has been rubbing off on you… Let’s go to these rooms.”

    Blane nodded and led them across the lobby and into a relatively spacious elevator. He pressed down on the button ‘15’ and the large metal doors slid shut.

    “So how did you guys do at the gym?” Blane asked as the elevator started to ascend, giving them a sinking feeling.

    Before Kevin could even breathe, Jeff replied, “Just fine!”

    “Cool… So who won the bet?”

    “Definitely not Jeff,” Kevin said with a chuckle. “I beat him in eight minutes… you did it in eleven, right?”

    Blane nodded. “Damn, Kevin, you must be some battler! We should have one sometime!”

    “Yeah, Blitz didn’t take a single hit other than some static from his attacks! I wouldn’t mind winning another battle either… You’re on.” He grinned competitively.

    The elevator came to a halt and the doors slid open. The four walked out into the carpeted hallway. “What are the room numbers?” Rachel asked him, overjoyed to be sleeping in a hotel as opposed to outside.

    “Uhh…” Blane looked at the three key cards. “1515 for Rachel, 1516 for me, and 1523 for Kevin and Jeff,” he answered, eying the numbers on the doors as they walked past them.

    They walked to the end of the hall and found their rooms. “’Night, guys. Don’t wake us up,” Rachel said before opening the wooden door to her room and disappearing inside with Strix.

    “<Bye bye. Talk to you later!>” Strix quickly sputtered before Rachel’s door fully closed behind them.

    Blane also unlocked the door to his room. “Later, guys.”

    Kevin slid the card through the lock on the door to their room and turned the knob. Kevin and Jeff walked in and looked around. Immediately to their right was a bathroom complete with a toilet, shower, bathtub and sink. To the left was a cramped closet. They walked forwards in the room and there were two large beds on the right wall facing a TV and separated by a large end table. On the far wall were windows and a door that led out to a small balcony with glass walls, overlooking much of Mauville.

    “Not bad…” Kevin exclaimed. He ran to the far bed and did cannonball onto the soft mattress. “I call this one!” Jeff sighed and sat down on the closest bed. Kevin frowned. “Don’t be so sulky, Jeff. Pretty soon Corphish is gonna be calling you ‘Eeyore’. Sure you lost a gym battle, but it’s not like you can’t challenge him again!”

    Jeff lay back on the bed, enjoying the soft mattress under his back. “It’s not just that, Kev…”

    “Then what? Spill it, already!” he goaded.

    The brown-haired teen sighed reluctantly. “…You can’t tell anyone.”

    “If I do, you can sic Atlas on me,” Kevin reassured.

    “Fine… I have a history of bad luck with relations with my pokemon…”

    “Go on…” he curiously said, grinning slightly as he sat cross-legged on his bed.

    “Brawly also said that I wasn’t working together with my pokemon. Corphish is fine, if not a little annoying. Atlas was great to start with but then I found out that his scar was making him go all Mr. Hyde. Drezdek is new, but apparently his best friend died and he feels guilty about it. Daedalus is angry at me for fighting in battles and thinks I’m a hypocrite. And Treecko… I have no idea what’s going on with him. We were good friends when we first met, but things slowly got worse. It eventually got to the point where I did something to cause him to leave. When we met each other again, we got into a fight and I had to rush him to Dewford. I went to battle the gym without him and then he came in at the last minute, still injured, and won, but his lung collapsed in the process. So he almost died and then he started to act differently… You saw it. Now he seems to be acting like normal… Well, not exactly ‘normal’.”

    There was a silence, where only rain drops battering the window could be heard. “Well… that’s quite the story. Luckily for you, you’re not the only one with pokemon troubles,” Kevin replied.

    “Remember, don’t tell anyone! …And ‘pokemon troubles’… do you mean you and Ace?” Jeff asked.

    Kevin paused. “Not exactly… I think I’ll let them out now… Why don’t you do the same? I’m sure they’d rather sleep in a bed than a cramped pokeball,” he said, throwing two pokeballs on the ground. Both Blitz and Ace appeared, the Scyther looking around the room and Ace quickly scrambling up the bed sheets to on top of the bed. “I kinda feel bad for Atlas and Pro, though.”

    Jeff nodded, sat up on the bed and released four pokemon on the carpet in front of him. Treecko, Corphish, Daedalus, and Drezdk all appeared simultaneously. Timidly looking around at the other pokemon, Drezdk noticed Blitz who was particularly daunting to him; he edged closer to Jeff and was the first to speak up. “<Where is this?>”

    Jeff turned to the Beedrill, who was pretty much pressed up against the wall. “This is a hotel, erm, a place where many humans stay to sleep temporarily.”

    The bug nodded. “<Vaguely similar to a hive…>” He looked around and noticed that most of the pokemon were looking at him. “<Um…>”

    Jeff got up. “Right, everyone, this is Drezdek… Drezdek, this is Treecko, Corphish, Daedalus, Kevin, Ace, and… Blitz.”

    “<Nice to meet you all… but it’s pronounced ‘Drezdk’.>”

    The human sat back down on the bed. “That’s what I said, I thought… ‘Drezdok’.”

    The Beedrill sighed. “<That’s kind of a mouthful,>” Daedalus spoke up, “<Can’t we just call you ‘Drez’?>”

    Drezdk stepped forwards and angrily shouted. “<NO!>” The outburst caused Daedalus to squawk reflexively and jump, along with Corphish and Jeff. Also, it caused Ace to speedily dive behind Kevin. The bug type then blushed and stepped backwards, rubbing the back of his head with his stinger. “<I… Um… Sorry… I mean ‘Please, do not call me that’… ‘Drezdok’ is fine…>”

    “…Good news for you all, you get to bunk with us in these sweet beds!” Kevin said, averting an uncomfortable silence.

    Corphish and Daedalus immediately climbed and flew, respectively, onto the bed, hoping to find some new spots. Drezdk also sat down on the bed, trying to get a feel for it. Treecko, however, remained leaning against the table that held the television.

    Jeff, once again, stood to his feet with a groan. “Errgh… My ankle still burns… I should probably run a hot bath for it.”

    “Fine, but don’t be in there for too long,” Kevin called as Jeff shut the door behind him.

    He quickly limped into the bathroom, which had a shower tub parallel to the door and the sink and toilet on the right side. “With any luck, by the time I get out, everyone will be asleep; I don’t think there’s a single person out there I want to deal with right now…” Jeff thought, placing his hand on the bath dial and turning on the hot water. The steaming liquid poured into the white tub, which began to quickly fill up. He took off his clothes and placed the garments on the sink counter. When the water reached the desired level, he stepped into it and laid back. The water flowed over him and he closed his eyes.

    “I can’t believe I lost in front of Kevin, Rachel and the others! ...Not even a real loss… but being told that I couldn’t work with my pokemon well enough to deserve the badge!” Jeff thought, sinking deeper in the tub. “Treecko… errgh.”

    He then put a hand to his injured leg and felt how bad the bruising was. “Some potion… I guess I can’t pass all the blame to Treecko… If I hadn’t acted like I did, then… damn… I guess I can’t avoid talking to him forever, no matter how hard he’s taking the loss.”

    Jeff remained submerged in water, thinking, for several minutes until he heard loud footsteps walking about the otherwise quiet room. “…Hey, Kev?”

    The person he expected responded, “…Yeah?”

    “…Who’s still awake out there?” Jeff asked, now very relaxed from the bath.

    “Me and Blitz… Treecko’s out on the balcony…” Kevin responded dryly.

    “…Okay…” he said nonchalantly.

    There was a brief silence.

    “…Hey, Jeff…”

    “…Yeah?”

    “…I found a lemon…”

    “…Cool…”

    Jeff then opened his eyes, sat up and drained out the bathtub. He stood, reached over to the black marble counter, and wrapped the white towel around his waist. Jeff then walked over, opened the bathroom door and stepped into the other room. He looked around the room and saw Corphish, Daedalus, and Drezdk sleeping soundly on his bed and Ace fast asleep on the other. Treecko was standing out in the rain on the balcony, staring off through the glass barrier into the distance and Blitz was sitting quietly at the table near the door leading out to the balcony. Jeff looked down and saw Kevin kneeling around various unopened snacks and drinks, going through the mini-fridge in the drawer under the TV.

    “What are you doing?” he asked.

    Kevin looked up from having taken several Coca Colas out of the fridge. “I’m cleaning it out.”

    “We have to pay for those, you know.”

    The boy grinned. “We don’t have to… Blane does.”

    “Isn’t that a little greedy?” Jeff asked, bath water dripping off of him and onto the carpet under him.

    “What do you care? I thought you didn’t like him. Besides, he said he’d pay for us, why not take advantage of that?” Immediately after he said the last few words, he trailed off. “…Uhh… Why don’t you go talk to Treecko?”

    “Why?” he asked, suspiciously.

    “None of your business; just go talk to him about the battle or something, man! …Out on the balcony,” he testily replied, emphasizing the last part.

    “Fine, fine… It’s not like I’m in a towel or anything…” he muttered, walking across the room towards the glass door.

    “<Hello,>” Blitz greeted, softly as to not wake the others.

    Jeff pretended not to hear and then opened the door to walk out into the showery night. The door closed behind him and Kevin sighed. Blitz uncomfortably scratched the back of his head with the blade of his scythe before turning to Kevin. “<Kevin… I am starting to get the feeling that Jeff does not like me…>”

    Kevin smiled reassuringly while standing up. “Don’t mind him. He’s just angry about losing that gym match.” He then walked over to the table and sat opposite from Blitz. “…Do you want to talk now?”

    “<I’d be honoured to, Kevin.>”

    The teen’s face became slightly glummer. “That’s kind of it… Your honour…”

    “<What about it?>” Blitz asked in confusion.

    He stalled. “…You remember when we first met, right?”

    “<Of course; you saved me.>”

    “…Yeah… Well you said that you owed me for that. I have to be honest… I think I took advantage of that. I didn’t plan on journeying until you offered to come along. I’m sorry, pal…”

    After a brief silence, Blitz nodded and answered. “<I forgive you… Was that all this was about?>”

    Kevin shook his head. “No… When you said ‘I owe you my life’ I’m guessing you took that literally… Well when you saved me from that falling Onix, you said that we were even…”

    “<Yes…>” the mantis replied, still unsure of what he was getting at.

    “So you’re going to be leaving pretty soon, aren’t you?” Kevin asked rhetorically.

    “<What are you talking about?>”

    “Oh, don’t give me that, Blitz!” he snapped. “I saved your life and then you stayed around with me to repay the debt, now you saved me so why would a Scyther have any reason to stick around?!” he sharply asked, remembering what Professor Birch had told him. “That’s how your code of honour work, isn’t it?!”

    Blitz glowered and narrowed his eyes. “<I did not save you to repay my honour… I saved you because you… are… my… FRIEND!>” he angrily yelled, digging his scythe into the edge of the table. “<I did it because I thought that you would do the same for me! …This is why you said that the gym battle would be our last one?! Because you expect me to leave?!>”

    “Well now you know the truth!” Kevin barked.

    “<That you are a selfish and opportunistic deserter?>” he coldly asked.

    “Are you going or not?!” he retorted.

    The mantis took his scythe out of the table and stood up. He then slowly walked towards the balcony door, where Jeff and Treecko were standing outside of. “<I will go if you desire it…>” he reluctantly answered.

    “If that’s what you want…”

    “<It isn’t… but I will do so if it makes you happy. …Do you want me to leave… friend?>”

    “…No.” Kevin’s voice was much less aggressive now, as was Blitz’s. The Scyther turned around and stared at Kevin. The teen looked back at him guiltily. “I’m really sorry, pal… I was just worried you’d leave…”

    “<I would never. Do not worry yourself about it… ‘pal’,>” he answered, outstretching his scythe with the blade pointing upwards.

    Kevin grinned and grabbed the green arm portion at the bottom and shook it. “Hey! You finally got the handshake right, loser!” he said, giving Blitz a playful punch on the shoulder in the process.

    Blitz smirked. “<It was not my fault you were so dense as to constantly grab the blade,>” he playfully remarked, hitting him back.

    “It is so! Your lack of a brain is rubbing off on me!” Kevin goaded, hitting away his arm.

    Blitz chuckled slightly. “<Is that so?>” he asked, using his arm to put Kevin in a headlock

    The human laughed and pushed against the green limb while leaning sideways, causing them both to tumble on the carpet where they began to play-wrestle. It was a feat that none of the other pokemon stirred at all during their talk.

    Meanwhile, towel-garbed Jeff walked over and stood in the rain beside Treecko, who glanced up at him. Both he and the grass pokemon stared out, over the balcony, at other large buildings. Over to the left they could hear the sloshing of the nearby river. Raindrops trickled down Jeff’s already wet face and chest as he turned and looked down at his starter pokemon.

    “What are ya doin’, Treecko?” he asked, carefully placing his words.

    He kept staring off into the distance, but replied, “<Thinking…>”

    “The gym battle?”

    “<Not exactly.>”

    Jeff took a wet chair that was on the balcony and pulled it forwards before sitting in it. “I guess we should talk about what happened, huh?”

    Treecko glanced out of the corner of his eye at him. “<What’s to talk about?>”

    “What do you mean? What about the fact that we lost? I thought you’d be more upset!” Jeff responded, confused.

    “<We didn’t lose.>”

    “Yes we did!”

    “<No we didn’t, Jeff… Wattson called the match unfairly,>” Treecko stated simply.

    “You were paralyzed,” Jeff reminded, uncomfortably sitting on a wet deck chair.

    “<I could still fight.>”

    “Yeah, your bullet seed…” Jeff stopped himself. “Never mind. Regardless, we still don’t have the badge and we’re not going to get the badge if we don’t fix what’s wrong.”

    “<And what’s wrong?>” Treecko asked, leaning against the glass wall on the small, car-sized balcony.

    “Us. Our friendship. We don’t work together! You changed from when we first met, Treecko.”

    The grass type turned to face at him. “<Yeah… So did you.>”

    “…Well, why did you?” Jeff asked, hoping to grind some information from the aloof wood gecko.

    Treecko turned back around and looked off over the city, unapproachably.

    “Well?”

    “<Don’t bother.>”

    Jeff sighed and shook water from his hair. “Tell me.”

    “<No,>” he firmly replied..

    “Tell me,” the teen persisted.

    “<No.>”

    “Tell me.”

    “<No.>”

    “Tell me.”

    “<No.>”

    “Tell me.”

    “<No.>”

    “Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

    “<No. No. No!>” Treecko answered, struggling to keep his cool.

    “Tell me.”

    Treecko turned around to stare daggers into him, actually causing Jeff to shrink back a little. “…Please?”

    His eyes narrowed. “<…No…>”

    “Just tell me, Treeck,” he stubbornly said.

    Treecko closed his eyes and growled. “<… Will you finally shut up?>”

    “You bet I will.”

    The reptile sighed reluctantly. “<…Fine. What do you want to know?>”

    “Why you went from the Treecko who saved me and through that rollercoaster of changes and then came out like this,” he replied.

    “<Do you have a problem with ‘this’?>” Treecko asked, glaring at him.

    “No, I’m just saying…”

    “<Fine… I guess I acted so… upbeat because I respected you and I never had a friend until I met you and I didn’t really know how to act. Then you found out what’s-her-name was in love with that rival of yours and then you went into that sad, moody state. Then I started to lose respect for you.>”

    Jeff nodded, wishing he could forget those days. There was a bit of a silence, where only the sound of rain, a couple cars, and a helicopter flying overhead could be heard. “Go on…”

    “Cko,” he disdainfully muttered, hoping that that was all he would have to say. “<… Well, then you hit rock bottom and I was tired of you being so mopey. Then I insulted you and you hit me… which, thinking back, I don’t really blame you for. Then I overreacted, later found out my bullet seed didn’t work, and had a bad couple of days and needed time to myself.>”

    “Uh huh…”

    “<Seriously? You want more?>” Treecko asked, grudgingly.

    “We need to do this if we want to win, Treecko!” Jeff replied, leaning forward.

    Treecko grunted, watched the large form of a Pidgeot fly over the city and continued. “<Then we met again and I fought you because I wanted to knock some sense back into you… but apparently I underestimated you…>”

    “Yeah, thanks. It helped,” Jeff interjected.

    “<Are you going to keep interrupting?>” The teen was silent. “<Okay… I won at Dewford Gym to make up for losing to you and apparently almost died. Sitting in the recovery room I did a lot of thinking. I thought that maybe being relatively ‘obedient’ would make up for how I acted before, but then you kept treating me like one battle would kill me. Now I’m back to the way I always was and always should have been.>”

    “… I see…” Jeff replied, processing the information.

    “<And now you can never ask me to ‘open up’ again… Got it?>”

    “…We’ll see,” he said, half grinning.

    “<Shouldn’t you say something now?>” Treecko asked, somewhat indifferently.

    “Do I have to?” Jeff whined. A single glance out of the corner of Treecko’s eye solidified the response. “Okay okay… I really am sorry about the way I acted, too. I won’t treat you any differently. We should try to start over… Starting with talking about that gym battle.”

    Treecko remained silent, waiting patiently while leaning against the rain-cascaded wall.

    “You’ve gotta start listening to me!”

    The lizard glanced at him. “<And why is that? I can fight perfectly fine without you! Humans hate when they can’t bend things to their will, don’t they? It makes them realize that they’re not all that high and mighty.>”

    Jeff closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “It has nothing to do with that! You know this! I admit you’re a great fighter, but when you’re out there in the middle of it, you won’t be able to see everything, while I, standing farther back, might be able to. If someone is coming up behind you that you don’t see, I’d be able to tell you and then we could think of a counter attack.”

    Treecko glanced back into the rainy night. “I personally know that, when fighting, you tend to get focused on only one thing. Even the most calm of people can have their minds clouded, and this makes them unable to think of all the possible strategies. I can’t expect you to be both a quick fighter and an expert tactician at the same time, Treecko. I may be kind of new at this, and I know I froze up a few times, but you’ve gotta trust that I know what I’m doing some of the time!”

    “<… You could use a few pointers…>”

    Jeff grinned and stood up, holding his towel. “Duly noted. So, do we have a deal on trying to work together, Treeck?”

    Treecko closed his eyes and chewed on his twig for a few moments before opening them. He then jumped up onto the wet chair-side table and nodded. “<Yeah… We’ve got a deal.>”

    He then turned around and shook Jeff’s hand with one of his tails. Jeff beamed. “Fantastic!” Jeff walked towards the dripping glass door and opened it. “You coming?”

    Treecko glanced back before looking forward again.

    “Suit yourself.” Jeff shrugged and stepped towards the balcony door to get inside and out of the rain. He looked down and saw Kevin and Blitz still wrestling. “Having fun?” They looked up and grinned.

    “How did it go?” Kevin asked.

    “Good, you?”

    “I’m not dead, am I?” he replied jokingly.

    “…Good point.” With that, Jeff walked into the bathroom with his bag, grabbed another towel to dry himself off and then changed into his green pyjama pants. He then went back into the room and carefully placed himself on the right side of the bed, next to Corphish, while Daedalus and Drezdk took up most of the left.

    He sunk into the relaxing bed and smiled. Kevin also hopped onto his bed beside Ace and looked over. “I’m guessing your and Treecko’s talk went well?”

    Jeff glanced over. “Much better than I expected. How about you?”

    “I couldn’t agree more. Anyways, I’m hittin’ the hay. Yo, Blitz, are you planning to sleep tonight?”

    The Scyther nodded and sat down, cross-legged in an almost meditation-like pose. Jeff wasn’t sure how he could sleep like that and he was frankly pretty uneasy that he was sleeping in the same room with someone who tried to kill him. In fact, he was so uneasy that he couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep.

    For a long time, Jeff remained awake, occasionally glancing down at the sleeping Scyther. “Relax, Jeff, he won’t slice and dice you while you sleep and serve you with Chinese food,” he thought, attempting to reassure himself. Treecko had eventually come in and lay down on the carpet.

    Something hit his leg, causing him to spring upright. He looked down and saw Drezdk restlessly moving about in his sleep. Jeff relaxed, until after a few murmurs, the bug jolted and indistinctly yelled, “<TAL!>”

    The nervous and sweating Beedrill realized he was back in reality and quickly looked around. He realized Jeff was still awake.

    “You okay?” the human asked.

    Drezdk stalled before nodding. “<…Yes… Thank you… Are you having trouble sleeping too?>”

    “Yeah…”

    “<Why?>”

    Jeff glanced over at Blitz. “That Scyther tried to kill me a year before he was friends with Kevin…”

    “<Ah… And you’re afraid of him still?>” Drezdk quietly asked. Jeff didn’t respond. “<Don’t worry; if he attacks, I will help you fend him off,>” he reassured.

    The teen smiled. “Thanks, Drezdek… You know… if you ever want to talk about your friend, I’d be happy to listen…”

    The bug pokemon nodded appreciatively. “<Thank you…>”

    They both lay back down, feeling comforted, and the Beedrill quickly fell asleep. Jeff, however, accidentally put his head on Corphish, causing the crustacean to cry out.

    “<NOT MY EYES!>” he cried out, jumping awake. He looked around, dazed, and sighed. “<Oh… It’s just you, Jeff. I had a dream where I was on the game show Jeopardy and I got the last question wrong and then the host, the other contestants, and the studio audience all attacked me with those novelty foam hands you get at sports games,>” he explained, wiping the sweat from his face.

    “That’s what you get for watching too much TV before going to bed,” Jeff replied.

    “<Oh, Jeff… You and I both know that that’s Tauros crap!>” Corphish said happily. “<Why are you up?>”

    “Can’t sleep.”

    Corphish noticed him glance over at Blitz. “<Ohhh, you’re afraid that as soon as you go to sleep, Master Mantis will decide to have you for a midnight snack!>”

    “No!!” Jeff retorted, “I just don’t like this bed.”

    “<Oh, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to sleep in it either.>”

    “…Why?” he asked curiously.

    “<Haven’t you seen CSI?>”

    “Once or twice, but-”

    “<Then you should know what I’m talking about. The point is I’m sleeping on TOP of the covers,>” Corphish said, getting settled in. “<What’s up with Buzz-kill?>” he asked, looking over at the sleeping Beedrill.

    “Clever name. How long have been waiting to say that one?” Jeff asked, grinning.

    “<Since I met him…>” the crustacean said with a wink. “<Well?>”

    “His best friend was killed recently, he says.”

    Corphish frowned. “<That’s a bummer. Maybe I should cheer him up.>”

    Jeff looked sceptical. “You idea of cheering someone up is telling numerous inappropriate jokes, Corp…”

    “<Hey! I also do physical comedy!>”

    Jeff laughed. “I bet you do, Corppy. Get some rest; I’ll see you in the morning.”

    “<G’night, don’t let the bed bugs slice you up.>” Corphish grinned before taking a glance over at the sleeping Blitz and then curling up to go to sleep.

    “Gee, thanks…”
    Last edited by Griff4815; 18th December 2008 at 6:25 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  13. #263
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    Wink Raises a skeptical eyebrow

    If this message doesn't get posted right away, the net at home is being a B*tch...

    if it does... the real review will follow soon.

    Here comes the review:

    Aside the misspelling of sceptical (see title) the only grammar error i caught was:

    Even the calmest of people
    Adjectives with one syllable follow the -er/-est trend. Those with two or more syllables follow the more-/most- line comparative/supperlative development.

    So the time for rest and reconciliation comes and Jeff and Treecko, as well as Kevin and Blitz finally get it all in the open. I'm glad they sorted it all out. Now to see if they can keep it going...

    Kevin's idea of scamming Blane was hilarious too... poor guy better have some extra cash on him...

    And Corppy just won't stop. I'm looking forward to his staying a Corphish almost as much as i am Treecko evolving into Grovyle.

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 19th December 2008 at 12:34 AM.
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  14. #264
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    Aww...isn't that some...!

    Is that sum review thar!? From fisheh!?

    Why, yes it is. And for once, one that ain't about picking out the amusing stuff entirely.

    Treeck's whole scene with Jeff and opening up about his feelings was rather soft and emotional, as well as being well written in the way that Jeff was pretty 'I'm listening' about it. Having read your tragedy one-shot, one feels a bit of sympathy for Drezdk, yet I find it amusing said Beedrill had a nightmare, then dozed off shortly afterwards, knowing what he saw. Corphish remains as amusing as ever, with his little 'bed bug' comment, while Daedalus seems ever more forgettable, sadly.

    As always, a good chapter.


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  15. #265
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    Quote Originally Posted by fishyfool View Post
    Aww...isn't that some...!

    Is that sum review thar!? From fisheh!?

    Why, yes it is. And for once, one that ain't about picking out the amusing stuff entirely.

    Treeck's whole scene with Jeff and opening up about his feelings was rather soft and emotional, as well as being well written in the way that Jeff was pretty 'I'm listening' about it. Having read your tragedy one-shot, one feels a bit of sympathy for Drezdk, yet I find it amusing said Beedrill had a nightmare, then dozed off shortly afterwards, knowing what he saw. Corphish remains as amusing as ever, with his little 'bed bug' comment, while Daedalus seems ever more forgettable, sadly.

    As always, a good chapter.
    Thanks for the review. You're probably right, I should give Daedalus (and Atlas) some more screentime soon. xD

    And let's just say that Beedrills like their sleep.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  16. #266
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    Nice work there, again. And hurrah for more character development and interaction that continues to win.

    Nice emotional scenes here and there, especially with Jeff and Treecko, and also kevin and his Scyther. Quite liked the latter as Kevin changed from his annoying character to a more deeper one there - nice to see. And yay for Treecko's actions/mood swings being explained, and a possible up-turn for Jeff's and Treecko's relationship.

    The first part of it did feel a bit... weak (bar the opening part which was some nice protrayal on how annoying Kevin was as well as Jeff's feelings on the battle and Kevin) - some more description would have been nice as it felt a bit light there, particular with some of that dialogue there. But it improved, and it felt comfortable by the time they checked into their hotel rooms.

    Strix, who was perched on Kevin’s left shoulder, also started snickering
    Lack of a full stop there. (Oh,a nd the first paragraph was rather separated from the rest - too many spaces in the formatting/presentation).
    “…Okay…” he said nonchalantly.

    There was a brief silence.

    “…Hey, Jeff…”

    “…Yeah?”

    “…I found a lemon…”

    “…Cool…”
    Great delivery on this - I find it rather funny. XD
    “Well now you know the truth!” Kevin barked.
    Maybe have a comma after 'Well'?
    “Just tell me, Treeck,” he stubbornly said.
    Random thought - Jeff is rather lazy to not say an extra syllable/letter of Treecko's name... -_-
    “Relax, Jeff, he won’t slice and dice you while you sleep and serve you with Chinese food,” he thought, attempting to reassure himself.
    Recommend not using quotation marks for thoughts - thought someone said that until Jeff had actually 'thought' it.
    “<NOT MY EYES!>” he cried out, jumping awake. He looked around, dazed, and sighed. “<Oh… It’s just you, Jeff. I had a dream where I was on the game show Jeopardy and I got the last question wrong and then the host, the other contestants, and the studio audience all attacked me with those novelty foam hands you get at sports games,>” he explained, wiping the sweat from his face.
    And finally once again - Corphish wins.

    A nice chapter, and looking forward to seeing just how Jeff's and Treecko's relationship will improve... as well as the other Pokemon as well, heh. Keep up your awesome character work!

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  17. #267
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    Air Dragon: I'm Canadian, so I believe that I can spell it either 'skeptical' or 'sceptical' . Personally, I prefer the latter. I appreciate the review.

    Bobandbill: The review is, as always, much appreciated. Yeah, I agree with the lack of description, though I personally thought that it was weaker towards the later part. I'll have to look into it, though.

    Yeah, I'm always a little worried about "thoughts". I should really get off my lazy tail and go and italicize the thoughts before hand. Hopefully, my description is slowly getting back into pace as I write more. (It at least is in some other thing I'm writing.) I think it's all just a matter of patience.

    Again, thanks all for the reviews.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  18. #268
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    Default Ha!

    HA, HA, HA HA! I caught up!!! Hahahaha!!! Honestly, I began to doubt if I ever would, but your lax updating schedule (that's not said as insult: I'd be the biggest hypocrite in serebii history) has allowed me to sneak up on the latest chapter like a ninja and plant a review just to the side of its head like a well-placed throwing star.

    So yeah. This is my review for chapters 16 through 21. I didn't really pick too much stuff out from chapter 18 (I think it was, with the beedrill's introduction) because I didn't really like the beedrill backstory. It felt kind of rushed and it was a bit unclear.

    I did, however, like the backstory of Kevin and Scyther. And I liked its placement. That was well done. I had put the words from professor Birch and Scyther's "we're even" together before Kevin had asked the pokemon if he'd stay. I was really happy that you went there and had Kevin question Scyther's commitment to the journey.

    Back to Jeff in jail:

    I'd also like to comment more on your development of Jeff and Treecko. I think Treecko's tacit acceptance of all Jeff's requests in the jail scene seemed like development of humility for him, but at the same time the scene gave off an air of defeatedness. It was a marked change in his demeanor, but it had such a solemn effect. It wasn't a development that could be immediately celebrated (by me, i mean). I feel like Treecko's finally been broken down and now it's time to build him back up...or build him in whatever direction.

    That's the note I had left for myself when I was reading that chapter. But then, in chapter 21, Treecko explains himself, and I see that I was kinda wrong. I was trying to fit Treecko's character to a progressing line, I guess. And really, he's following a cyclic curve that reacts to what Jeff needs. And I really do think that Jeff needs Treecko's tough love to get him out of his functs of self pity and doubt. I think some of Treecko's independent spirit needs to eventually rub off on Jeff. But at the same time, Treecko needs some of Jeff's sense of companionship and love to rub off on him. They just have to meet in the middle eventually and work together, like Wattson said.

    Speaking of characters who interact with Jeff:

    Kevin's kind of like Jeff's foil. He's completely light-hearted almost all of the time and Jeff is so serious and contempletive in the same situations. This is highlighted in Kevin's response to his scyther being the one that injured jeff and in the scene in chapter 21 after jeff has lost the gym battle. It seems like a defense mechanism, Kevin's humor. Or maybe not. I do like that Corphish has found a human with a sense of humor to match his, though.

    Speaking of Corphish, he's as funny as ever. I especially liked his interaction with Ace, the awkward turtle, in Wattson's gym where he plays on the squirtles frightfulness by snapping his claw. There are so many genuinely funny moments in this fic and most of them involve Corphish.

    As for the Onix clan and Atlas' struggle with them: i really thought that he wouldn't try to fight Steelix again until he had gathered a small army of Aron and other cast-out Pokemon to aid his coup, but he didn't. I'm anxious for closure on this branch of the story. Prometheus hasn't spoken since they left Brawley's city, either.

    A lot of attention has been paid to the backstories and the relationships of Treecko and Jeff, Jeff and Blane, Kevin and Blitz, Blitz and Jeff, Atlas and Cronus, even Beedrill and his clan and his dead friend Tal, but the girl - I even forget her name for a second - is not such a richly-developed character, I don't think. Rachel. I think she could use more time, more spotlight.

    But overall, this is a journey fic that I cannot help but follow. There are so many characters, so much history already established and so much adventure ahead...I just can't wait to see how they all end up. But even more than that, I can't wait until the rest of their journey is revealed.

    Keep it up, Griff!
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  19. #269
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    Maze: Hah, I'd be lying if I said that my posting wasn't lax. Thanks for the review, it's really appreciated.

    Drezdk's (the Beedrill's) backstory is actually a tie in to a One-Shot that I did for the Tragedy One-Shot contest. You'll be able to find it in that fic-finding thread somewhere. That's probably part of the reason why it was rushed, I didn't want to give away too much since that's what the one-shot was for and I couldn't really see Drezdk getting into the nitty gritty details either.

    Thanks, I was hoping that backstory would click.

    You're not totally off in regards to Treecko and the jail scene. It was a bit of a humility thing and he was acting a little defeated in the aftermath of nearly dying. He knew that acting completely rebellious towards Jeff was really starting to be counter-productive for him.

    You're making some really good observations with Treecko's cycle and the inter-dependency between he and Jeff.

    Kevin's humour a defence mech? I definately wouldn't say that that's out of the ballpark. I'm sure Corphish is overjoyed with that, yes. Heh. The shellfish is really fun to write.

    That was my original plan with Atlas, but I decided to do something different. I want to progress that sub-plot too, but it's going to be tough to do since they're constantly moving away from Dewford.

    As for Prometheus and Rachel, I want to give them some more screentime too, but it's hard to do with so many characters, especially when certain ones are needed for certain plots.

    Thanks for the much-needed encouragement and in-depth thoughts. I'll be sure to read and review Taxonomy when I get the chance to.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  20. #270
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    Okay, lets get this together.

    This fic has 21 Chapters, if i would have to guess, I'd say each one has at least 8 pages on words and I finally finished reading them all. Yay!

    Seriously, I almost thought i would never finish and at first. I really had to push myself going on. It was just hard to imagine everything because the descripsion was missing and the story was a little boring, too. But as soon as Kristy came in, things started to get really interesting and your fic just keeps getting better and better.

    My favorite Chapter was, as you already know, chapter eight. I don't think I have to tell you what I liked about it.

    You really have a talent for building Characters. Treecko being the cool one who wants to be strong, Corpfish being the silly one who loves to Joke, Kevin being the hyperactive one who loves to battle, Rachel being the one who keeps Kevin from getting into any trouble, and so on. I really enjoy reading such a deeply written fic.

    Every single Character has a historie and you leave it in mysteries until time comes for the Characters to remember it. It's a little bit like in Naruto, but thet is one of the reasons why Naruto became so popular. It makes you want to know what happened. Thats a really good factor for keeping the people who are reading the fic, and it also makes the storie deep.

    All in all, your fan fiction is very well written. It is the best none-shipping fics I have ever been reading. It contains funny, sad, dramatik, scary and what do I know haow many other scenes. The only thing that is missing to make out of this excellent fic a really excellent one, is a little romance.

    My rate will be of ten

    Oye, I almost forgot to mention, I would love to be on the pm-list if you don't mind.
    Last edited by MayfanxD; 5th February 2009 at 8:29 PM.
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  21. #271
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    Oi!

    You have a damn great piece, with loads of drama, violence that my bloodfrenzy loves, & the whole nine yards. The only problem is that there may be some grammatical errors around, & I'm here to find them.

    You're probably thinking, "oh, great, not another grammar nazi..." but trust me, I'm one of the better ones...

    I've only glanced through this, but one time, I might be able to give a more thorough go-around over this.

    One thing, I'm betting that Jeff's Treecko wouldn't budge even if he faced-off against one of these things.

  22. #272
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    Mayfan: Thanks again for the review and the read. I'd type a longer review response, but I'm really tired right now. xP

    Brumrha: Thanks, it never hurts to have some extra eyes for drama. And you're probably right about Treecko not budging. xD What game is that from?

    And consider both of yourselves added to the PM list.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  23. #273
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    I've now have all the time in the world to read your piece, & while I'm doing so, I'm going to scrutinize the entire thing, so that I get my revenge for you misspelling my name on your PM list.
    BWAHAHAHAH!!!
    *Busts out his microscopic sights*

    Prologue: Your prologue is spotless, but then again, it's short, so there isn't much for me to look at...

    Chapter 1:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff had many friends who are aspiring pokemon masters/coordinators. Most of them have already set out on their journey during high school with their very own pokemon. They had been successful at doing what they do best…fight and show off. Sure they can be jerks but they were his best human friends and they were always fun to be around. Only a few remained with he in high school for an indefinite period of time. He knew that they would eventually all go too.


    That should be him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I should make a good first impression for my first pokemon,” he thought, picking up his electric razor and turning it og.


    A very silly mistake; that should be on. I also added an all-important period at the end of your sentence, as that was strangely lacking...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff claimed that the reason that he did not start his pokemon journey when he was ten was because that he thought that most of the kids who set out at that age didn’t last very long as a trainer. The usual reason for this is that the pokemon would mature faster than the kid and in most cases have no respect for some kid. Besides, going out into the world knowing nothing of what’s coming and relying purely on your pokemon will nit only get you hurt but most importantly your pokemon. That opinion led Jeff to decide to learn more about them and how to responsibly care for them, attending Professor Birch’s school lectures. However, there was a different reason that Jeff refused to tell anybody.


    That's not...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff went over to his wooden desk. The desk consisted of a backpack, a PC, old research papers about pokemon, and a cactus. He picked up his back pack which carried a few potions and antidotes, a great deal of saved up money, a sleeping bag and pillow, one of his Dad’s medical kits and about three weeks worth of light meals to be rationed. He looked to the right of his PC, and picked up this odd twig, which was straight and had a smaller branch coming off of it diagonally, and let it rest in his mouth, habitually.


    That's supposed to be a single word.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    He would travel with that odd tree twig in his mouth everywhere. Only he and one other knew where it came from…


    This doesn't sound right, but it "might" just be me...

    That's it for chapter 1.

    Chapter 2:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “GRAAAAAAGGHHH” Jeff yelled in blinding pain. He could feel the metal slice through his skin, taking pieces with the blade, and exit. He felt as if someone had poured oil in the cut before throwing a match into the gash. Jeff turned and fell to one knee, saliva spitting from his clenched teeth through the labored growls. His face whitened from the blood loss, yet he felt beads of sweat form on his brow. Although his legs were trembling, Jeff took advantage of his adrenaline; he clutched his slashed bicep, turned, and ran behind him.


    Added comma in bold.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff looked towards the creature. Its eyes were wide, jaw open. Jeff looked down, puzzled, and saw a small green lizard, with a sturdy red chest, who had its large, dark green tail embedded into the bug’s abdomen. “Treecko Tree” it said calmly with a high tenor voice. The bug pokemon doubled over while the new pokemon crawled up the massive trunk of the tree that Jeff was leaned against. The tree was staggeringly large; the trunk and canopy were colossal, but the tree itself wasn’t as lush and appeared to be in bad condition.


    This doesn't sound right... it should be "Its eyes & jaw were wide open."

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The green reptile stared into the pokemon’s eyes, unflinchingly. Scyther raised and swiped its razor arm in a vertical downwards action. The targeted pokemon jumped out of the way to his side. The claw hit the ground but missed its prey. Scyther quickly reared its left arm to its chest before swiping it towards the jumping green and ruby lizard. The wood gecko noticed the blade and quickly bent his head backwards in the air. He narrowly missed a decapitation but he still sustained a minor cut on his green chin. He landed on one knee and paused, taking a moment to wipe the blood from his neck. The now grinning lizard extended a finger and retracted it in a taunting fashion.


    Times two. "The green reptile stared unflinchingly into the Pokemon's eyes."

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff’s sight was compromised from the blood lost throughout the entire battle so it wasn’t until the pokemon was still that he got a good glimpse of his savior.


    Added something in there to make it sound better.

    That's it for chapter 2.

    Chapter 3:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Damnit… I’m screwed,” he thought hopelessly, looking at the severe gash, tied by white strips of birch bark. He bit his lip looking at the seeping wound. Jeff didn’t know how much more blood he could lose. Through the underbrush he could see the familiar, dull, orange gleam of a street light. “You’re almost there…get up, Jeff! Get up!”


    Added another something.

    That's the only thing I've found here; chapter 3 is otherwise spotless.

    Chapter 4:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<He may be over twice my size but I’m not about to back down because if that. He doesn’t intimidate me and he’s not going to get away with stepping his dirty talons on my home!>” I thought.


    Should be of.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Very well… but don’t come back here with your tail between your legs if it doesn’t work out, soldier on,” he warned. I wanted to pound him across the face right then. If he made me lose a potential friend than I swore I’d tear this lab inside out the next change I got.


    Chance...

    That's it for chapter 4.

    Chapter 5:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<So this is what someone’s mother looks like… same expression. Figures,>” thought Treecko.


    Isn't that supposed to be in italics?

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “It’s a good thing he’s not coming with us…” Jeff thought to himself. He imagined if Tyrogue did come along and envisioned himself walking along side one of those cartoon fights with the arms and legs shooting out of a moving cloud of dust and dirt.


    That's also supposed to be in italics.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff looked in the mirror in the main hallway at his battered and cut face. “I hope we don’t have too much more friction between us,” Jeff thought unsurely.


    Italics for thoughts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “I wonder if he knows Bay has a crush on him,” the teen thought to himself. Jeff watched Treecko carelessly flick the flower into the forest before yawning, much to his embarrassment. “I guess not,” he pondered with a chuckle.


    Times two.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff fell to the ground with the unexpected action, cringing and letting out a sharp exhale. He withdrew is dirt covered, aching hand from the ground. “Ok…we’ll go your way!” Jeff angrily told him through his gritting teeth. “I guess rock beats paper, too,” Jeff mumbled as they began walking.


    It's vice versa; paper beats rock.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The automatic doors the center opened and he noticed Treecko leap over something for apparently no reason. Then Jeff heard memorable, disconcerting words.


    You've really butchered that up, didn't you? It's "The Pokemon center's automatic doors opened and he noticed Treecko leap over something for apparently no reason."

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Sorry for waking you, Professor. I assumed that you would be uplate examining some nocturnal species of pokemon again,” Jeff greeted him with awkwardness.


    That's supposed to be two words, up & late.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Great, now I have to be with Ares again. I was happy when I was rid of him forever. At least that damn Mudkip isn’t here too,>” thought the grass type to himself. He looked over to Ares only to get a menacing gaze from the fire type.


    Italics for thoughts... again...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “…Guys,” Kristie thought to herself, shaking her head. Ares merely glared at Treecko.


    ...& again...

    & that's a wrap for chapter 5.

    Chapter 6:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “What the hell soes it look like?” Jeff retorted, angrily clenching his fists. "A broken heart isn't exactly the same as a scraped knee!"


    Took me a while to find this one; that should be does.

    Chapter 6 is otherwise spotless.

    Chapter 7:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Treecko wandered off from them while he ate. He didn’t linger far, but just enough so that he was away from the crowd. He looked up and noticed a red and white pattern moving from tree to tree in the air. Whatever it was seemed curious about the food. Meanwhile, Corphish was hopping around as if he's in an action movie. He opened his claws and shot bubblebeams at the treetops. He fired with both his claws and shot in all directions.
    “<Take this! And this!>” Corphish yelled as he aimed at the high tree branches above.
    The bubbles exploded on contact with the limbs of the tree. He did a barrel roll in the grass and fired at the top of the tree that Treecko was looking at.


    Add on in bold.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Not unless you want to…>” Jeff replied.


    Lose that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Sandshrew lunged at Jeff, who leaned back in an attempt to dodge. Deyja jumped on Jeff’s chest, which acted as a platform as he leaned back. He scrambled up the green shirt and jumped, head butting Daedalus from the perch. Daedalus fell to the ground, followed by Deyja, who jumped on his wings, pinning him down. Deyja began to scratch at Daedalus; dark blue feathers, with tints of crimson, shot up after each swipe.


    That should be one word.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<That was ‘saving us before you could put that idea into his head’!>” Treecko spat, annoyed.


    You forgot something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    "<Yeah, being trapped, beaten, beaten some more, and perhaps a third time is just like going to Six Flags over at Celadon,>" Corphish weakly smiled.


    Here's another addition...

    That does it for this.

    Chapter 8:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Piplup shook tears from his eyes & looked at the ground in shame.


    & here's another addition.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff followed Nurse Joy into the door beside the counter, which turned into a hallway with four doors. They entered the first door on the right, which red ICU. Jeff remembered ‘take your kid to work day’ with his dad; ICU meant Intensive Care Unit. It must have been bad.


    That's read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    <Nice eye patch, pal. Wasn’t that Corphish and me’s handy work?>” Treecko mocked.


    Again, you forgot something...

    Work wrapped up for this.

    I'm going to take a breather for today, but watch this space, Mr. Griffin, as this will be subject to change...
    Last edited by Brumrha; 11th February 2009 at 8:35 PM.

  24. #274
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    I've only had time to skim through this but the "It's vice versa; paper beats rock." is a reference to the fact that Treecko won the game through brute force as opposed to how the game is actually played. :P

    Heh, "Mr. Griffin", that has a nice ring to it.

    Also, a note to others, I'm am just about done the next chapter.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 17 is up.

  25. #275
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    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I've only had time to skim through this but the "It's vice versa; paper beats rock." is a reference to the fact that Treecko won the game through brute force as opposed to how the game is actually played. :P
    *laughs*
    I guess that explains why this was reversed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Heh, "Mr. Griffin", that has a nice ring to it.
    Why, thank you very much, I've always tried to come up with my own name for every person based off their user names.

    Okay, moving on...

    *busts out his microscopic sights & resumes scanning*

    Chapter 9:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Yeah I do. I think that Nidoking dislocated a bone in my shell,>” Corphish whispered back.
    That should be “<Yeah I do. I think that Nidoking dislocated a portion of my shell,>” as he has no bones.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Yeah, before we got to Petalburg Forest, we were traveling with a human girl, who Jeff had a huge crush on. When we got to Petalburg City Jeff met his most FAVORITE of his bestest of best friends. Although Jeff beat him in a battle, the girl went for Jeff’s rival. His heart was broken and here we are!>”
    Lose that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    We reentered the dark Petalburg Forest. Mist encased the trunks of the trees as well as the underbrush, creating an eerie feel in the darkness.
    That's feeling.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<It’s not that he hurt me… well it’s not that I was hurt. It IS that HE hurt me. But, it’s also that he scolded me with the strike… you just don’t… I don’t know!>” Treecko tried to explain his point of view in a volley of clumsy stammers.
    If you're telling this story through Treecko's eyes, then these should be I & my.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Corphish and Daedalus gathered around, also. Jeff let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you and Taillow said; about being taken away from those who you care about to travel and fight; when I don’t even do the fighting myself. It’s unfair to you guys and it makes me seem like I have superiority over you. I’m not better than you guys! I want to make it clear that I value each of you as equal to me; I mean you’re all intelligent creatures, capable of feelings and speech! Well now the bounds are off; Daedalus, you can go back and lead your friends. Corphish, you can go back to you lake and woo female Corphish with your… dancing. And Treecko, pal, you can go back to your tree. None of you should feel pressured to be here. I thank all of you for sticking around as long as you have,” he exclaimed with a shaky sadness.
    Your lake...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    We sat near the edge of the forest, waiting for Dae. I spotted a small, wooden house and dock. It stood over the water on four sturdy stilts. It must have been that Briney-guy’s house. From behind us, we heard a loud, continuous trill, from that of a Taillow. Jeff raised his elbow for Daedalus to land on. He flapped his wings to force himself to a slow down before perching on Jeff’s arm; his claws dug softly into Jeff’s arm, who seemed to be unaffected by the action. The twig in beak, Daedalus passed the twig to me. Although it helped… I still didn’t feel whole.
    Lose the red piece, & added something; thank god I can color-code this.

    This is all wrapped up.

    Chapter 10:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<He looks like he’s been bitten by a Chimchar infected with the rage virus…>” Corphish half joked to Daedalus.
    I think you're talking about the rabies virus...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The sharp turn caused Jeff to stumble, but the wood gecko remained standing, stoically. Veins were pulsating in Treecko’s head; his eyes were wide and eyebrows creased in a passionate frenzy. The bullet seed’s line of fire raked along on boat until it finally made its way to Jeff. Treecko was so intent on the attack itself that he didn’t know what he was firing at. The seeds punched into him like a pistol firing acorns. He held his ground the best that he could but the attack was too strong to withstand. He flew backwards and his head collided with the metal rail.
    With Bullet Seed, a much better weapon that describes this is a machine gun.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Seviper’s eyes opened wide as he, too, remembered the Treecko. “<Well… if it issssssn’t the helplessssssss little bug! You got lucky lassssst time but it won’t be sssssso now!>”
    Added a couple of commas.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Without meaning to, Treecko’s pound attack hit Jeff in the right knee, creating a “thuhk” sound. Seviper’s tail also entered the unknown obstacle. The sword-like tail penetrated the muscle in Jeff’s upper right leg. Jeff’s right leg was held up in the air not only by the tail holding it up, but by the fact that Jeff couldn’t extend his leg. His face went pale and the two pokemon looked at the damage that they caused. Jeff, in shock, balanced on his left foot, seemingly laughing the pain away with adrenaline. Treecko was in as much shock as Jeff, but he was not laughing. Treecko stood fixated at the mangled leg. Seviper couldn’t care less; with a flick of the tail, the sword effortlessly slid from the wound and Jeff was thrown onto his back.
    That's thunk.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    He began to weight bear using his left leg. He hobbled his way out of the recovery room and found himself in the eight door hallway along with a sleeping Daedalus and Corphish.
    These two should be swapped.

    That's wrapped up as well.

    Chapter 11:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I quickly stood up from my desk where I was drawing a picture of a Geodude for school. My body was not that of my regular maturity. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was my nine year old self. It didn’t cross my mind that I should be sixteen… or was it seventeen now? I ran out of my room and pedaled down the stairs. I stopped on the landing to see my brother to my left. He was much taller than I; he was tall enough so that our heads were level when I was three stairs off of the floor. He was an almost fanatic bodybuilder, which was obvious from his suntanned, muscular arms. He smiled at me and took off his shoes. I scanned his belt, which separated his beige Beastie Boys t-shirt from his baggy olive pants and noticed a red and white sphere known as a ‘pokeball’ on it. I could see something green behind his short, dark brown hair that was gelled up. It was his seventeenth birthday, so he used this milestone as an opportunity to get his first pokemon.
    Myself...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Yeah… it’s actually kind of nice… for a human city,>” Daedalus remarked. “<And there’s only a few of those things that humans go around in… what are they called… BWMs or something?>”

    They began to near the side of the lab. Atlas was incredibly cautious, so he crawled in the middle of the empty road.

    “<Cars, bird brain… cars. Also, it’s BMWs… I see a lot of celebrities driving them on TV along with Porsches,>”
    I was going to correct that, but it looks like Corphish beat me to the punch.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Corphish reached with his claw and pressed the other button, holding it down. A terrifying mechanical humming came from the button. It sounded almost like a Sceptile blowing its nose for a long time. They jumped back but Corphish still kept his claw on the lever. From the hole, out shot semi-circle blocks of ice, which barraged the two unsuspecting pokemon. They let out shocked cries as they fell from the chair and onto the white tile.
    This segment doesn't sound right...
    It should be it shot out semi-circle blocks of ice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “How…do you eat… and talk?” awkwardly asked Jeff.
    Times two; Jeff asked awkwardly.

    Anyway, it looked like Jeff was becoming an emotional wrecking ball; I was surprised he didn't commit suicide, but then again, if he did, your story would have ended prematurely...

    Anyway, let's keep going.

    Chapter 12:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Fine… but interrupt me again and I’ll punch you in where ever it is your that mouth is!” Jeff threatened with a friendly grin.
    That's supposed to be one word, wherever.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Promise me you’ll bring him back? Please find him and get him back… I think you owe it to him,>” persuaded Bayleef.
    Added something there, as it didn't sound right without it...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff was somewhat surprised when Daedalus flew through the window next to him with something in his beak, but was still too asleep to react. Daedalus circled around the room before flying onto the bed near Jeff’s feet, with a proud smirk. Much to the human’s disgust, Daedalus had the slimy, red and white bottom half of a Wurmple sticking out of his beak. He plumped down his prey on the sheets and began to contently tear away at the former bug type. Dae noticed that Jeff was eying his food, but he misinterpreted why. So Daedalus strutted over to Jeff and plumped the half on his chest, offering him the rest of the meal. His face went white, looking at the feast.
    Don't you mean sleepy?

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “No problem, Jeff. You just made it in time. I was busy going through a few of these student’s trainer applications,” explained the pokemon professor.
    Something else that doesn't sound right... Should be You've made it just in time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    You’re home. But is it worth it? You chose the road not taken but you made a u-turn before the crossroad was out of sight. Does that make you the coward? Does that make you weak and puny? Did you really give up your one chance at friends and happiness because you were scared to try something new? But you’re all alone, just the way you’ve always liked it. Why do you feel guilty? It’s because you left home in the first place to travel with Jeff. You became emotionally attached and you left him when he was injured and alone.
    Again, you forgot something.

    That's done.

    Chapter 13:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<I don’t know, Corppy. I guess it’s good that he’s not sulking around like a Staraptor, but battles? I don’t fight other pokemon for sport; I do because I have to!>”
    That Taillow is a pacifist; I hate pacifists!
    (That's a comment from my bloodfrenzy, FYI...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff stared at her expectant red eyes which glistened. He couldn’t stand to see her cry so he reassured her, “I’ll do my VERY best, Bay.”
    Poorly executed...it should be: Jeff stared at her expectant & glistening red eyes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    There was a silence except for the distant singing of Kricketots. A slight drizzle of wetness fell from the overhead cloud he inspected earlier.
    I never knew that Hoenn had Kricketots... hmmm... (comment)

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    They silently squirmed through the bush and poked their heads through the leaves. What they saw was a massive, old tree which was like a colossus. The immense boughs of the tree were big enough to be small trees on their own. The canopy created a massive umbrella, even though most of the leaves had disappeared from the limbs of the old, wooden titan. The rain seemed to be tolling on the tree.
    & here's another sentence that doesn't sound right... it's The rain seemed to be taking its toll on the tree.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    He picked him up by the head and drove the grass lizard and his arm towards the tree, smashing Treeck into his own home. Treecko impacted the tree and let out a muffled groan. Nidoking performed the slamming action again but harder. Treecko’s head and back hit the hard bark, creating a splitting pain before he blacked out. He slumped forwards onto Nidoking’s claw; there were red marks as a result from the net being pressed against his face on his head and there was clear internal bleeding as there was a massive purple bruise on Treecko’s back and tail.
    Missing something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I could only see behind me. I saw that we left the forest and we're now in a clearing, one much bigger than the one where my home was. All of a sudden, we stopped. He dropped me to the ground where I saw him lift something up with much struggle. The poison type then whipped his tail at me, forcing me under whatever it was that he held up. The thing dropped to the wet grass with a ‘clang’.
    Missing an apostrophe.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    He picked up a small stone and placed it in his claws. He then effortlessly flicked it at me, hitting me in my nose. I fell backwards onto my tail. I was secretly incredibly ashamed and embarrassed but I quickly stood up to prove I wasn’t THAT pathetic, although I felt like it.
    Again, you're missing something...

    All finished.

    Chapter 14:

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The grass starter turned and went down on all fours. He looked back, hit his tailed rear, taunting Jeff, and shot out his tongue at him before darting off into the rainy, dark forest. His physical pain hastened his run instead of hindering it. With a moment lost to comprehension, Jeff immediately took off after him. He, of course, didn’t run in a straight line since that concussion to the head was compromising his balance for the time being. As fast as he possible could without falling, Jeff raced after Treecko. The rebel wood gecko quickly disappeared into the overgrowth and foliage. This didn’t keep the determined human from pursuing.
    Improper wording; should be possibly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Treecko grinned in competition. Even Jeff’s taunts wouldn’t be able to get under his green skin. With apt speed, he lunged at the human. Much to both of their surprise, Jeff got the drop on him. He brought his hand across in a curved punch and, in what seemed to be like slow motion, hit Treecko across the face. The impact of his knuckle bones hitting Treecko’s snout was, to Jeff, sadistically satisfying. The last time he hit Treecko, he felt it was his biggest mistake of his life. But this time… he was loving it.
    Looks like Jeff's thirsting for blood for once. Hehehehe...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    He knelt down in front of the knocked out pokemon, checked his pulse and held him in his arms. Treecko’s breaths were labored and very light. Jeff completely forgot about all of Treecko’s wounds. He was sure he was hurting him just by touching him, even if he was unconscious.
    Another weird-sounding sentence. It should be Treecko's breathing is labored & very light.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Woah, slow down, little dude,” the twenty-something year old said in a heavy surfer accent. Jeff had to chuckle under his breath; the accent instantly reminded him of Keanu, his brother. “My name’s Brawly, and this is the gym for fighting pokemon, in case ya’ didn’t know.” He outstretched a hand, to which Jeff shook it.
    Again, you forgot something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Nurse Joy picked up a sharp metal rod in her right hand and in her left was the end of a small hose, which led to a suction machine. In the Chansey’s hand was another hose which was hooked up to a machine which appeared to be for pumping oxygen. Also attached to Treecko was an ECG monitor, for his heart rate.
    That's EKG...

    This chapter is finished.

    Man, this took me longer than I thought, partly because my restless legs weren't helping me a single bit, & also because some of your chapters are damn long.

    Anyway, I'm going to take another breather for now, but I've still got seven more chapters to examine, so sit tight...
    Last edited by Brumrha; 12th February 2009 at 9:14 PM. Reason: Cleaned up all the stray tags. Dhur!!

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