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Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #176
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    Mental note: Underlined are for old notes: meaning ones that are no longer useful...much.

    *Stands firmly* Reporting for duty.

    Hello, Griff4815
    For the last few hours I've been reading chapters 1-6, I was vaguely entertained...You blew me away with very realistic characters, solid motivations, and a generally very stable psychological make-up. It was very organized, yet vague when you wanted so. I tip my hat. *Smiles*

    The first impression I got from your fan fiction is a sense of pure confusion, you do very well on that...vague rambling is always fun.
    I had the feeling that you put hours of thought and pondering in it...
    First of all, you give Pokemon a genuine feeling of intelligence, and I like it. It gives us a feeling that they are not mindless, violent goons. However, I had the feeling you were greatly over complicating things in narrative mode....
    We get the idea! We don't want unneeded thoughts explaining your characters actions!
    Too much sentences that are unneeded...unless you expect us to be three-year olds. *Rant fades down.*


    "The wind blew through the girl’s somewhat short brown hair, but it was dyed a reddish-brown color."
    I don't really know what the "but" was for other then additional mentioning of hair color...other then that it chokes on our throats if we speak it, or halts our eyes when we read it. Saying “A hint of reddish-brown” gives a touch and a twist.
    Hmm, I really hate people on Serebiinet peeping up on description without helping, so I will try to point out what I mean...later in the review.
    One other thing that is pretty general (Actually, very general), and irritates me...why do human students take Pokemon lessons and suddenly get a newby Pokemon who has no idea about the outer world? Irritating contradiction.
    Perhaps for that I advised everyone I know to let starter Pokemon originally be pets...

    Still, I liked Birch talking from behind his back...more like humans you make your pokemon.


    I dislike the time when you give a tedious, slobbery narrative...it gives me the funny sense you were slapping the keyboard (Not willing to write)/ or rushing...a lot of actions could happen in the time...it faded, but it still is there...Simplify. Things could be complicated and stay lame. Simple and easy make the best novels I've ever seen.

    The frequent mentions of Arceus is -in my opinion- a poor substitute for “Oh my God.” and it gets very boring, out-of-place and dull later....Not to mention that -in the Poke'dex- is it an Alpha Pokemon. Meaning first. The first human isn't necessarily their God.
    Don't get me wrong...I say Oh my God all the time...and I like to say it!
    Oh my God!
    Oh my God!
    Oh my God!
    *Goes happily crazy*

    You also tend to give some information/movements quickly and...shoot it right out. Combine words with actions/grunts and sighs, they all contribute to the story in a way nobody could imagine.

    There is also a hard view of catching Pokemon, and being reluctant to do so. More realism here and there...so far, Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place seems to be the most realistic Pokemon fan fiction I've ever read!

    *1-7 chapter rant ends*


    But chapters 8 and above, my eyes were crazy glued into the screen...With or without the strange epic music I prefer, the effect was like a bang. If I was Meh-ish to read your fic, I can't get enough of it now...
    Your development was like a speeding train that...*Searches for something dramatic*...crushes............
    Argh...forget what I said.

    Your main character, Jeff, is far from stereotype-ness. Hard-headed and slightly violent, still polite and self-conscience, I like that. Pretty realistic to me, if not that incredible loyalty to who owes him...

    Loyal as a dog I would say. Their, "I owe you" relationship could span for years, and end in one action...I guess another bond is better then one...
    A little over parenting as well? As nice as it sounds, grabbing any injured Pokemon gets cheesy.

    emo-ic a little around the edges, but gives him a humane feeling...how would YOU feel if your best friend began trimming betrayal?
    So far? B+ I haven't told why I loved Jeff, but soon you would figure it out yourself.

    Kristie: I can't say why I hate her so much...innocent little brat.
    *Buys a Kristie plushie and blasts into oblivion*
    I'm not saying more...innocent brat...I HATE HER!

    Alan: DEATH TO ALAN!!! *Buys a Alan plushie* DIE!! *Prepares a shotgun*
    ....
    ....
    ....
    It's surprising how a writer could make his/her readers hate someone/something. ~_~

    I don't usually comment on Poke'mon's personalities, so I won't...
    *Runs from Poke'mon equal treatment society*


    Your style and Techniques: I would say that I defiantly hate the way you translate the Pokemon's words in early chapters. Not only is it out-of-place, but it is also annoying. Make a Pokemon (Treeko in case offered a battle), instead of repeating his/her name out loud repetitiously, make body language speak for itself. Make Treeko ball his fists and smile evilly or something that synchronizes with the action required.

    But then, Treeko started...talking, it...uh...was understandable, it also gave the idea that Pokemon are alive...but it takes time to swallow, even with the strange medical explanation...
    Good to know trainer-understands-pokemon is common...I hope when a person hears it..it's vague...it would be hard otherwise.

    *Whispers* I sure want to bond with a Japanese girl...I got sick of having to read subs and waiting for novel translations...
    *Notices people watching*
    Ahem. *Blush wears off*

    And something annoying also. Why doesn't any trainer have any information about the Pokemon he is fighting?
    You always have to make Jeff pull out that Poke'dex and point it...in my ideas, the Poke'dex wouldn't have been invented if all you have to do to confirm legend's existence is to point a small device on it and "poof", we know everything.

    Ash sometimes shouts, "Oh, neat! I've never fought those before!" and doesn't use that wretched Poke'dex of his.
    Make us feel he's a pokemon trainer more. Trainers need to know a lot about Pokemon's natural habitats.
    After reading chapter eight, I smiled at Jeff's thoughts about Aaron.
    So there is...Never mind what I said.

    ...oh well. Useless, irrelivent rant over and out.


    Humor: Very light-hearted, easily understood comedy, such as cheating in Rock-Paper-Scissors, not forced or "Spat out", in right places too...perhaps ready some running gags to lighten things up later...preserve the...humorous taste...perhaps crashing with a misplaced Torchic would suffice. *Smiles*
    Gullible on Corphish's back...priceless...Corphish is a crazy and lovable character.
    Ha...battle insults at Salvation...priceless.


    Horror, Dark themes: I should replace this with out-of-tune themes. The time when a character is so shocked that he/she couldn't think clearly and just ramble physically around. I love the sense of loss you give and see it crystallized well...Hmm, Jeff reluctant to catch the Taillow was something...
    Unlike Dark Persian and many other reviewers, I don't see that emo at all as much as I see it lost.
    Kudos on that.


    Pain and suffering: I should replace this with anger and so...Argh...I'm a little blank right now...your skill advancement would render this review completely useless in two days...


    Motivations: At first, I saw Jeff as a "Pokemon Master" wannabe...thankfully, you dismissed that thought by him loving battles, meeting old friends, and Kristie...that--*Strains to find a AO rated insult*

    Treeko and Jeff are bond with the “I owe you” as I mentioned before, and I see that a strong bond that could span for a long time/end in a short time...but I could see something else stirring, so I know a more powerful motivation is behind the scene. Good work on that!


    Now, the place is pretty bland....everyone is in a space situation right now...and you need a good motivation.

    Action: Very lacking in description...rushed but you give good reasons. People here don't fight because they want to. There is a reason behind.
    Other then incredibly lacking, I see a lot of tasteless action/moves...things get boring quickly in the fiction genre, so keep up by making up moves or combining new ones...like Flarion with the Flamethrower-extreme speed combination. The more innovative/complex it gets, the best they come out.
    You still have a knack for them though...perhaps the flowing sentence structure...I don't get lost in action scenes like in much fiction entries.
    This is for action only, battles are another story.

    Battle scenes: A little unclear..."He punched him" doesn't generally work but what often happens doesn't work either...walk on middle grounds.
    There was something in the fifth chapter I just loved. Remember when Corphish Crab hammered Taillow into the woods? That is called environmental interaction, the more there is, the more realistic it could be...E.G. Dirt into a whirlwind, Fire blast fades in a rainstorm, combining Magic leaf/Razor leaf with the fact of a Pokemon performing in a forest, turning it into a storm of leaves. (Psyblade's personal favorite.)

    Hand to hand? Intense. I can't really say any more. You are good with it...I could almost see the action.

    Strange, because you like reporting actions...”He punched him.”

    Don't be an extremist on description or a minimalist. Gone are the days of Tolkien where he described every room to the inch, the grade of color and even the way light pour in.
    Only mention things that are VITAL. Then we could draw the rest them in our mental realms.


    Reflection: Wow, at the eighth chapter there was a lot of those...”Why am I here?” themes. Dismissing false agendas and building new ones...the smack and Jeff loosing the bond with Treeko (That must be the reason for Poke speech going wrong). I was wide-eyed at the moment...It was...wonderful!
    I am not easily impressed too...but combining so many elements and the great...(Move set) was all on the spot...I can't really say anything....you had me done.

    Wow, this forum is filled with wonderful people.

    On Salvation, I should just really shut up....really, I can't comment on that beautiful portrait of sounds, fear and emotion...I can't...sorry, but I really can't.


    Philosophy: Entwined with Reflection...it's pretty hard to show which is which from a mostly third-person perceptive, but I could tell it still works good...
    Let your words, and actions do the talking...
    [QUOTE-Treeko]I was relieved that he was willing to take me back. I didn’t show any of my emotions though; he knew how I felt so I’m not going to show it in a public display of affection! … Or did he know how I felt?! He still couldn’t understand me! Was that permanent?! What if he thinks I’m still angry? Well I kind of am… but still! DOES he want me back or does he just feel obliged to take me along?[/QUOTE]

    First person rocked too...I had much less difficulty handing with the environment after having “Him” become “I”...you're better at first person.
    Argh, its hard to note here...when I struggle to find a good philosophic ground, I can't find one, and when I pretend there isn't, I find one in my face...thanks for flabbergasting me, NWTWP....(What a long title...)


    Drama: Hmm, after the dramatic eighth chapter, I don't think I should speak here. You poured your guts here...if anything was still lingering it's effects would come up here...
    Darn...I can't give a reviewer-like opinion here...take it this way...

    It was great.
    As for Salvation, it was the best effing chapter, second to none...

    Scary...it was so thrilling, it had me drooling...*Closes mouth*


    Romance: Unsettled, one-sided love from Jeff to Kristie...Chapter six was full of possibilities, and her hugging, (Furthermore, kissing) Alan had me both surprised and angry.
    I am not the best critic on love, seeing that I suck on it like Psyblade does, but I could tell when good romantic material is offered or not. And you filled the checks.
    Ha ha, about it being nothing to do with real life, I laughed a lot. Turns out not much Internet dwellers are as miserable as media portrays them.

    Not much out of the new...so *Pulls out a huge period and ends sentence*
    Argh, I hate how awkward these things become...'*cries of misery*'


    Plot: Journey is a background to the plot...I don't really see one now...Uh...perhaps I am just oblivious.


    Description: A bit listy...Chopping up information to get severed in bits is more realistic and helpful.


    Emotions: Mostly you deal with both doubt and anger well...I could see the outline of your heroes flash across the screen with enraged fury...flame and coal. All in all.


    Lastest chapters: Yum. Emotions jumped from the screen at me.


    Random notes: I would suggest chopping off thoughts into other places...they sometimes get out of line and pretty hard to follow...I also want to comment on the length of your chapters...*Cough* novelistic *Cough*

    Things I liked was the general “I don't know what to do with myself” theme...suspended in air. We don't know where we are going, but we will go anyway...

    The journey is -to me- a background theme...I see a ghost of a powerful theme here, but I can't really make it out...Journey is not the story here...there is something more...much more. *Goes all Tolkien-ic*


    Plot themes: "I chose you!" theme, "Let's be trainers!". Jeff getting Treeko in the traditional "Professor gives Pokemon" was already clear from the first chapter, it wasn't very well issued, but it worked, still...and you made up for it in the later chapters.

    Development: You made an incredible development, both with your fan fiction, and with the overall view. Seeing I read this in a narrow timespan, I just had to notice how your skills picked up. I am really impressed, like almost everyone here, you are mold-able clay with intense potential.

    Darn...This review would be useless too with your talent...


    Ending notes: You focus on the relationship between Pokemon trainers and their Pokemon more then humane relationships...I see them now more then just pixels or letters on a screen, but breathing, thinking creatures...I hope I don't see the day this method revolutionizes into an anti-human Pokemon fic...

    But so far? Everything is breathing...the fic is breathing...Trainers aren't trainers...they are parents and friends. That is what is so special in Never in the Wrong Time or the Wrong Place...
    I must comment on the very long title though...Painful to write...I misplace time with place and place with time...I just had the strange insight about Dialga/Palkia being here...

    Your fan fiction is something great to read with calming Japanese meditation music, occasionally switching to the few excellent action/battle scenes...
    It's a path to self-finding, and finding others along the long, tedious road.
    With that, a long journey to perfection and power...

    Sorry for taking so long to review...I was covering three-four chapters a sitting and didn't sit on my computer the last days...man am I lost...

    Oh, well...I threw my useless two cents...I hope they weren't THAT useless.

    ~~Aspire to inspire before you expire~~
    Review Status: Open.
    I don't bite, trust me. I don't shred stories, and I think I'm worth a try.

    ...This is a signature... I guess.
    I am The Ghost Review...I don't know what else to say.
    I hope by reviewing your fiction, I'll make your day.

    Aside from the crappy rap...there is nothing useful to say but my motto:

    "Aspire to Inspire before you Expire."

    To know yourself from your reflection, you need honesty, and cunning...
    To know yourself from your ghost, you need only faith.

  2. #177
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    Dec 2006
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    This was a co-op chapter done by me and my almightly beta (Diamondpearl876). You'll be able to tell when she starts because it gets MUCH better in quality. It was quite a fun chapter to write.

    The next chapter will be a co-op chapter as well, and may take awhile due to finals.

    Shock and Terror

    “…You.”

    Jeff fell against the pop machine due to his sudden loss of balance. His vision was still a blur from glazed eyes and unconsciousness. All that he could make out was the blond hair atop a tall, muscular stature of a teen. He also saw what appeared to be a blue pokemon cradled in his arms. The light aqua color stood out against the teenager’s navy blue-indigo shaded shirt. Jeff looked down to see the vague outlines of two pokeballs on his belt, above tan cargo shots.

    “You’re damn right it’s me, Jeff! How’s it been going?! I‘ve been waiting for you!”

    Rage ran through the disoriented teen as he continued to try to make out the face. The face was significantly familiar, and Jeff struggled to recall someone, anyone, but the events that occurred earlier that day had interfered with his train of thought. No one in particular came to mind.

    “Dude, have you been crying?” the figure asked, probably noticing his reddened eyes.

    With increasing anger, Jeff covered his tracks by responding with, “No, I accidentally scratched my eye after getting stun spore on my hands… How the hell have YOU been… Alan?” Making a wild guess, he started to prepare himself from doing anything that might result in sorrow or anger. There had been too many of those kinds of moments already.

    “What kind of Paras mushrooms have you been eating?” he asked with a quizzical chuckle. “Come on, you haven’t been gone THAT long!”

    “What?!” Jeff asked, rising to his feet. He managed to finally get a focus on the guy, who, indeed, was not Alan. “Kevin?!” A wave of relief swept over him; ever since his last encounter with that enemy of his, he couldn’t predict what would happen if he were to meet up with him again.

    “THERE ya go! Our names aren’t THAT similar,” Kevin answered.

    Jeff stood in shock as the teen smirked, the same teen who was a little taller and more muscular than he. He looked down to examine the pokemon whom he thought was a Mudkip, due to the fact that Professor Birch had one in his possession when he departed from Littleroot Town. Although the pokemon also had a blue head and limbs, it was surrounded by a thick, round shell. The sparkling shell was brownish red on top and beige underneath. Its blue, puffy tail swung back and forth, idly.

    “What is THAT?” Jeff remarked, observing the pokemon, noticing a hint of fear in the water-type‘s maroon eyes upon hearing this. “Were you late for picking a starter or something?” he teased.

    It shrunk back at these questions, obviously hurt by them. It quickly disappeared back into its shell, showing no signs of coming back out. After a moment of slight confusion towards the pokemon’s actions, Jeff realized what that must of sounded like and apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound so… MEAN.”

    “He’ll get over it. This is Ace, my Squirtle,” Kevin answered.

    “Cool. Nice to meet you, Ace.” He outstretched a hand warmly as the Squirtle’s round head slowly reemerged from the defensive shell upon hearing his name. Ace reached his light blue hand out from the protective hiding place of his, then halfway to Jeff’s hand before stopping. He looked with nervousness up at Kevin, who rolled his eyes and nodded. Looking back at Jeff’s extended arm again, he stalled.

    “Come on, you coward; introduce yourself,” Kevin light-heartedly urged with a grin.

    The tiny turtle pokemon looked even more insulted at the merry plea and, with some visible sadness, began to shakily outstretch his arm again.

    “Relax, Ace, it’s ok,” Jeff insisted, retracting his hand. “Anyways, Kevin, when did you leave Littleroot Town?”

    “A few days after you did! After hearing you left with some pokemon, I decided I didn’t want to be the only one of us not on a journey!”

    “Really? How did you come across your starter, Ace? After me I thought all that was left was a Torchic and a Mudkip,” Jeff asked.

    “Actually, Ace isn’t my starter…” Kevin informed him, checking his watch.

    “You got a date?” an upbeat Jeff asked. He had gotten over the initial surprise of stumbling into someone from his hometown, or was just pleased with the fact it wasn’t Alan or Kristie.

    “How long does it take to put on a skirt, tube top, and make up or whatever?” he replied, somewhat exasperated.

    “You got a date with a GIRL…or a cross dressing clown?” Jeff said, poking fun.

    “Heh, I wish. Then I might at least get a laugh or two out of it. But seriously, no date and she’s pretty nice. She’s just always late.”

    “Who is she?”

    “I’ll tell you once she gets here… maybe we should hitch up a tent until then,” Kevin replied while holding Ace, who remained quiet the whole time.

    “Cool… How did you get a Squirtle? I’ve never even heard of a Squirtle!” he proceeded, nosily.

    “I… well, my…father gave him to me… hearing I was leaving,” the blond haired boy replied in an almost incoherent mumble.

    “Oh…” Jeff answered, unsure of what to say. After hesitating for a few moments, he questioned, “Then what IS your starter?”

    “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” said Kevin with a sly grin which immediately appeared from his recently upset face.

    Jeff’s eyes widened considerably; he couldn’t believe he’d nearly forgotten about Treecko. “Oh, crap!” He brought his hand to his face to hide the sudden guilt and imagined Treecko scolding him already for taking so long to get a simple soda. He dared to take a peek towards Kevin and Ace, who only returned an expression full of puzzlement.

    “Err… I mean, I promised my starter I’d take him to the beach, like, two hours ago,” he abruptly replied.

    “Sure. You hear that, Ace? That’s cute. Taking his pokemon to the beach,” Kevin mocked with one eyebrow raised, as if he would never come up with an idea like that in a million years. Ace looked up at him longingly, but no words emanated from his mouth.

    “Yeah, very cute,” Jeff mumbled, then motioned for Kevin to walk with him with the hand containing the unopened Coke, mentally beating himself up at the same time. Still holding Ace, he followed eagerly, making a comment on how he couldn’t wait to see what kind of pokemon Jeff held in his possession. Soon, they arrived in the main lobby, which held an assortment of pokemon paintings on the walls, and a set of four chairs surrounding a table for trainers to sit in while awaiting the outcome of their pokemon’s conditions. As Jeff and Kevin were passing by the front counter, they couldn’t help but overhear a trainer who was complaining on how Brawly had nearly defeated her in a gym battle less than a few hours ago.

    I wonder what Treecko would be like now if that was us, Jeff thought, remembering his response when he had asked him if he was all right. They had won, was what he had said; that seemed to be all that mattered to him at that moment.

    “Wait up. That‘s her,” Kevin said, and set Ace down near Jeff’s feet. He casually walked over to the girl as she was retrieving two pokeballs from Nurse Joy, who didn’t seem to mind her moaning in the slightest bit. As Kevin approached, she swiftly turned towards him, her shoulder-length blonde hair moving too, now covering a portion of her face. She pushed the strands behind her ear, and listened intently as Kevin told her about the encounter with Jeff and their plans to introduce their pokemon. Nodding and smiling, she thanked the nurse and walked over with Kevin towards Jeff.

    “Hey, Jeff, this is Rachel. I was talking about her before, remember?” Kevin said, then looked down to the floor to make sure Ace was still where he left him. The tiny turtle pokemon scrambled over to him, not being too thrilled about the silence between him and Jeff during Kevin’s informing conversation with Rachel.

    “Hi, Jeff. We’ve been waiting for you for a while here in Dewford.” She outstretched her hand, much like Jeff had done with Ace. Like Kevin had mentioned before, she was wearing a black tube top along with a white skirt--perfect for the kind of weather Dewford held. The most notable thing about her was the necklace she was wearing as well; it reminded him of Daedalus, as it had a feather on it, and the fact he wasn’t so ecstatic with Treecko’s homecoming. He stared at it for a moment, wondering on how he was going to handle this; he hadn’t had a problem with Daedalus before, but surely he could make him understand easily. Rapidly snapping out of it to avoid false thoughts, he returned the friendly gesture.

    “You’ve been waiting for me?” he asked, surprised at the news.

    “We ran into Kristie and Alan a few days ago, actually. They told us that… you left them in Petalburg. Very quickly. Yeah. So we figured you’d reach Dewford soon enough. How come you left?” Kevin inquired, recalling no problems between Jeff and Kristie back home.

    “Oh. I just didn’t want to travel with anybody at the time. Come on, let‘s go see Tr--my starter,” he replied simply, quickly changing the subject.

    “Well, just let him out of the pokeball already. I don’t suppose you have a whole show to perform when releasing it, do you?” Kevin sarcastically asked, annoyed at how long this was taking.

    “…No. He’s in the recovery room,” Jeff admitted. He could have sworn he saw a grin appear on Kevin’s face, but he pretended to notice nothing. To steer clear of unnecessary comments, he added with a smirk, “We defeated Brawly together.”

    “Yeah? So did we, earlier today. I had to help Rachel, though. She wouldn’t have won without me,” Kevin said, grinning.

    “I doubt it. My Pidgey was doing just fine until you interrupted!” She playfully pushed him away, and Jeff knew what the feather symbol on the necklace was for; it represented her Pidgey, and he assumed that was the pokemon she began with.

    “Okay, well, whatever. Let’s go,” Jeff irately commanded, frustrated at how her Pidgey had fought for her, but Daedalus hadn’t. What was so erroneous with battling to him, anyway? Daedalus had had a clear advantage towards Brawly’s fighting-types, which could have resulted in a joyous victory for the two of them, and that was something Jeff expected for there to be plenty more of. Surely he had witnessed and participated in several types of combat and planned numerous schemes while being a leader back in Petalburg Forest. He made a mental note to ask him later, when Kevin and Rachel weren’t present.

    Shrugging, the two teenagers continued to ensue their short trip to the recovery room, where Treecko hopefully wasn’t growing agitated by Jeff’s sudden disappearance. Quite a lot of trainer’s pokemon were placed on hospital beds, either resting or being reassured by their masters on how they would do better in the next battle, discussing strategies based on the attacks and pokemon used earlier that day. Sighing, Jeff advanced towards Treecko’s bed, where he saw several white bandages placed carefully on his broken ribs. Not daring to look towards Kevin or Rachel, whose thoughts on the resting Treecko wouldn’t matter anyway, he kneeled down near the bed and watched as his chest moved up and down, causing a soothing feeling to flow through Jeff. He didn’t seem to be in pain, and he wasn’t trying to outrageously break anything else in a battle.

    “This is him, yeah?” Rachel asked, although the answer was obvious. “That must have been one tough battle.”

    “It was. But we got through it anyway,” Jeff replied, not looking up from where his eyes were set. His hands were placed on the bed sheets to avoid disturbing the peaceful Treecko, which was a rare sight to see.

    “He looks pretty damn tough,” Kevin said. He looked around, appearing concerned and uncertain about his next move. “I don’t want to release my starter here. It might intimidate some of the pokemon.” A sneer crawled upon his face as his gaze returned to Jeff and Treecko.

    “Ace here doesn’t intimidate anybody,” Jeff pointed out, ignoring the conceited words.

    “Yeah, well, he’s a wimp,” was Kevin’s only remark, but a tentative Ace was too distracted from examining Treecko in his current position. Jeff easily imagined Treecko leering into the turtle’s innocent eyes, frightening him and making him feel smaller than the rest, just as Kevin’s somewhat harsh comments did.

    “Man, Jeff, dude! You forgot your badge,” cried a familiar voice from the recovery room’s entrance doors. Jeff looked up towards the surfer, along with many other faces which either held a surprised, upset, or thrilled expression on their faces, depending on their previous encounters with Brawly, or lack there of. However, he stopped walking as soon as he hit a point where he wouldn’t get in anyone’s way. Brawly gave a motion for someone to come to the doorway, for reasons that were unknown to Jeff.

    “I’ll… be right back,” he solemnly claimed, knowing the signal was for him, and he took one last look at the tranquil lizard pokemon before going to retrieve the badge he worked to earn. Placing his cola on the bed, he felt the stares rest upon him as he was in the presence the blue-haired gym leader.

    “Thanks,” Jeff started. “Thanks for coming to give the badge, I mean. It was an emergency, you--”

    “I know. Dude, I know because of the way you handled that battle,” Brawly said, cutting Jeff off and conveying no emotions or any signs of being proud to be where he was standing. While he was digging through his pocket, Jeff wondered what exactly Brawly was talking about. He didn’t sound delighted, but he didn’t sound dismayed, either. Jeff focused again on reality when a small, gray badge was held in front of his confused, green eyes.

    “So, dude, do y’know what this looks like?” Brawly sternly asked.

    Before responding, Jeff observed the badge, which was rightfully his according the standard rules. It was round and resembled something similar to a boxing glove people would wear. Finally, he quietly said, “It looks like a fist or something.”

    “Ya, radical answer. And what I wouldn’t do to use my own to knock some sense into you right now, dude! Your Corphish was boss, I can admit that. But, dude, your little bird guy wouldn’t fight for you at all. And you made that ace Treecko fight despite his conditions,” Brawly explained. The words hurt like a Beedrill’s own stinger, but all Jeff could do was admit that he was nothing but correct. To distract himself, Jeff peered over to the other parts of the room, which only worsened the situation when glares were sent his way. He gulped, and tried hard to prevent himself from taking Treecko and running out of the pokemon center.

    “I, well, you don’t understand…” he began, unsure of what to say next. It seemed necessary, yet useless to explain what Daedalus and Treecko were like, to clarify their actions and reasons for doing what they did.

    “I do, dude. I understand I don’t want to give you this badge, but I have to. It’s bogus, but it’s the rules, ya know? So, here, dude. But I hope you learned something. Watson from Mauville won’t let you get past him with those kinds of trainer skills,” the surfer said, and he firmly took Jeff’s wrist. Opening up his hand to reveal his palm, he felt Brawly’s larger hand on top of his, and a tiny, cold stone was placed inside as he released his hand and the grip on his wrist. Giving nothing but a nod, the teenager watched as Brawly walked away; he almost called out to him to tell him everything, suddenly feeling the need for someone else to know, but then deemed it useless once more.

    “Oh yeah… and I hope your Treecko gets better,” called the gym leader, not bothering to turn back as he left the recovery room.

    Jeff stood looking down at his closed hand amidst a near-silent room, from which hushed whispers began to emanate upon Brawly’s departure. A wave of warm sweat surged through his spine as he could feel the accusing eyes of the trainers and pokemon piercing into him. He could see that his hand had begun to tremble so he quickly placed it and the badge into his pocket. Jeff didn’t dare look up from the tiled floor; he was much too worried of everyone’s, including Kevin and Rachel’s, reactions to think of it.

    His head remained hung in guilt, guilt which he had already placed upon himself prior to the match. He already assumed it, but what was worst was hearing this from someone else, no less an experienced and usually mellow gym leader like Brawly. Despite what Jeff thought, rightfully he was innocent of the accusations, but Brawly’s talk seemed to laminate his fears.

    Kevin exchanged a look of uncertainty with Rachel before announcing, “Hey, why don’t we all get some food in the lobby?” His plan to break the tension did the best that it could. With a new grin to replace the old one which was discarded from the Brawly incident, Kevin grabbed Jeff’s shoulder and began to push him towards the doors that the gym leader had just walked through,

    “But Treecko…” Jeff solemnly protested before being interrupted by the upbeat male.

    “… Is sleeping. Besides, he’ll still be there when we get back,” explained Kevin, with Ace in one hand and Jeff in the other.

    “My Coke…” he mumbled more quietly, almost shamefully, looking back at his unopened drink which was located on the sheets of the bed.

    Rachel followed, apparently still trying to figure Jeff out. They slid by four trainers, who were making whispered comments about Brawly, who had just went by them. They proceeded to sit at a round table housing three red chairs. Kevin placed Ace on the table top and began to stare at Jeff with an all-knowing smirk; it was as if he was ready to make a snaky comment.

    The blond haired girl, who knew better than to come between Kevin and his prey, proclaimed that she would get them all some drinks. As Rachel walked off, Jeff refused to make contact with Kevin’s gray eyes. Instead, he simply watched Ace prod a salt shaker, who began to become more and more uncomfortable with the silence.

    Kevin finally broke the reticence with what Jeff thought would be a degrading remark, but instead he simply asked, “So… what was that all about?”

    Jeff continued to stare at the table top as he answered. “Nothing. It wasn’t anything…” he blatantly lied.

    “Oh yeah? So BRAWLY of all people just happened to be sore about losing to you?”

    “Look!” Jeff sputtered, finding himself glaring into Kevin’s eyes. The abrupt actions scared the Squirtle, causing Ace to knock over salt shaker-its white grains spilling onto the table. “Just drop it, okay?!” he continued.

    “Ok, ok,” Kevin said, almost chuckling. “Keep talking like that and you might make Ace here piss himself.” He looked down at his pokemon and playfully hit the Squirtle a little too hard on his shell, causing him to fall into the mess of spilled salt. Jeff merely watched Ace lift himself back up and, with a sigh, plop back down into a sitting position while brushing salt from his underbelly.

    “Oh, cheer up you two!” Kevin insisted, shaking both of their shoulders. “You’re both alive and well, aren’t you?”

    Just as he finished talking, Rachel appeared from behind them and sat in the unoccupied chair, carrying three drinks. She strategically placed them around the pile of salt and Ace.

    “I can’t leave you alone for two minutes without you making a mess, Kevin,” she teased, acknowledging the salt.

    “Hey, don’t blame ME; the little guy was the one who almost had a heart attack!” Kevin retorted with a light-hearted smile. Ace looked down with clear hints of shame in his maroon eyes. “And I can’t leave YOU alone for two minutes without you tripping over a stone and begging for a doctor, Rachel,” he mocked.

    Kevin was answered by a sarcastic laugh and an ice cube in the face. The cube fell to the ground and the Squirtle watched it closely, fascinated by it as it began to melt into water.

    Jeff, who had remained quiet until then, spoke up after chugging the carbonated drink in a single gulp. Wiping some of the beverage from his mouth, he asked, “So what IS your starter, Kevin? Or do YOU have a big show waiting, too?”

    “Oh don’t worry, you’ll behold him in all his glory soon!” the blonde haired teen reassured with clear cockiness.

    “Why don’t you just tell him?” Rachel inquired, while brushing a hand through her hair.

    “And miss the look on his face once he sees it? Hah, I don’t think so!” he replied with a malicious smirk.

    “Come on, your starter can’t be THAT cool,” Jeff observed as he brushed away salt to make room for his drink.

    “He’s cooler than that Treecko of yours!” Kevin joked, lightly punching Jeff’s arm.

    “Hey!” Jeff growled, punching his arm back much harder, not in the mood for his antics.

    “Jeez, nice swing, man,” Kevin mumbled, wincing and rubbing his pained bicep. “When did you get to be so touchy?”

    Jeff didn’t answer. Instead, he asked, “Why didn’t you two go with Al…the others?” He then took Kevin’s untouched drink and downed the whole thing. Kevin gave him a glare to which Jeff shrugged and answered, “I was thirsty.”

    “We did think about going with them, but we decided to wait for you,” Rachel smiled, still twiddling her hair with her index and middle finger.

    “Why?”

    “Because we didn’t think you’d make it in mainland Hoenn all by yourself!” the blonde teen replied with his provoking smirk. “Face it, Jeff; you look like you have a habit of getting yourself in way over your head.” Kevin made a tapping gesture on his cheek, clearly referencing to the healing scar on Jeff’s face. Rachel hadn’t taken her eyes off it, either; it was the only visible wound that they could see.

    “How did you get that scar, Jeff?” she asked him, genuinely curious.

    Jeff stalled and looked back towards the recovery room. It took him a few moments to decide how to reply.

    “…A branch. The day Treecko became my first pokemon…it’s kinda a long story.”

    There was a brief silence, before Kevin brought his fist to his palm in revelation. “I KNEW there was something else different about you!” he exclaimed proudly. “What happened to that weird twig thing that you always used to carry around in your mouth?”

    “It’s…in my pocket…” he replied ominously.

    “…Anyways, didn’t you say you were taking your starter to the beach? It sure doesn’t look like he’ll be building any sandcastles anytime soon,” Kevin exclaimed with a laugh.

    Jeff shot him a glare for making light of Treecko’s condition. “Yes, I did.”

    “Doesn’t that sound cute, Rachel?” Kevin prodded.

    “Hey, that kind of sounds like fun! Do you mind if we tag along, too?” Rachel asked with enthusiasm.

    “Uhh…yeah, sure. I… you guys go on ahead. I have to take care of something first. Is that ok?”

    They nodded and stood up, Kevin taking Ace under his arm like a football. Jeff got to his feet as well.

    “I’ll meet you there,” he claimed. As the two walked away, he began to force himself to go to the only place where he thought he should be, despite the previous meeting with Brawly: the pokemon center’s recovery room.

    --------------------------------------------

    Treecko opened his eyelids after a good, relatively peaceful nap, unaware of the meeting between the gym leader and his trainer not too long ago. He darted his eyes to the bedside on the left, expecting to see Jeff, but only saw a boy kneeling, comforting his injured, pokeball-colored Wurmple. A few other pokemon and humans could be seen as well, but everyone was disregarded as they had no resemblance to the figure Treecko was looking for.

    “<How long can it take for a human to get a drink?>” Treecko thought to himself.

    He then finally noticed something pressing against the sheets somewhere near the middle of the bed. In a pained struggle, he lifted up his head, cringed, and looked down to find a can of Coke lying near where his tail was. He then dropped his head back on the pillow and sighed, relaxing his neck.

    “<So, he did get it. And he’s gone. Good. I need to be alone for awhile,>” thought Treecko, blinking lazily.

    The wood gecko stared at the ceiling, motionlessly.

    “<Jeff thinks I battled to help him. He doesn’t know that I didn’t fight for him… I fought for myself. After that humiliating ambush by Nidoking, and then losing to Jeff because I underestimated him, I had to do it. I never thought he’d have the guts to go through with it. That’s why I fought.>”

    Another part of his mind butted in, a part he wished he could erase, as it seemed only to exist for irritating him. “<Is that really the only reason why you fought? For honor and pride? Are you sure really didn’t fight because you wanted to help Jeff?>”

    “<No… Yes… I don’t know,>” he pondered. As if a person was asking him these questions, he shut his eyes tightly in hopes of getting rid of this illusory figure before reopening them again. It resolved in no changes, and with the silence in this tedious room, he was slightly confused and angry at how he could be so dithering when it came to his thoughts. At his previous visit to this wretched place, Treecko was so weakened then, clear decisions and thoughts being hard to pass through his mind at the time. However, he felt confident with his selection despite these conditions, and did not regret his choice in the slightest bit. At least he redeemed himself, and showed someone who was boss.

    Treecko frustratingly took the twig from his mouth and tossed it onto the end table. He heard the recovery room doors open as he thought, “<I don’t know what’s going to happen.>” He remembered how delighted he had been when Jeff had taken him as his starter over the popular Torchic and Mudkip, and was certain that from that moment, they’d be involved with nothing but great adventures. Now, with those times seeming so far away and out of reach, he was unsure where the future would take him, whether he was with Jeff or not.

    He could see Jeff slowly walk in, and suddenly sensed feelings of awkwardness from the people in the room. Upon seeing the human, Treeck merely blinked in complaint before turning his head away. He felt Jeff attempting to ignore the human’s gazes as he made his way towards his bedside. The human had a warm, yet nervous smile on his face, from what Treecko could assume.

    Jeff gently placed his hands around the wounded pokemon’s left hand when he reached the recovery bed. Much to Jeff’s confusion, Treecko slowly pulled away from his grip.

    Taken aback, Jeff asked, “Treeck?” When he got no response, he insecurely corrected himself. “Treecko?”

    The wood gecko pokemon glanced over at Jeff before staring at the ceiling. Silently, he wished he was gone; the short time alone had not been long enough. Who ever, or what ever, made him decide to leave the room without the Coke had done a horrible job of keeping him with them.

    The human spoke in a hushed tone. “Treecko, I have some friends waiting at the beach…” That last statement seemed to catch the grass type’s attention. So, more humans were the cause; however, that didn‘t change his opinion on anything. “If you want to come… No, you shouldn’t. You’re probably still much too weak.”

    That final remark struck Treecko hard. Weak, weak, weak… A simple, straightforward four-letter word, yet so harsh and rejected by many. He immediately scowled at that and sat up to the best of his ability, cringing with the movement and only proving Jeff to be correct.

    “<I… I’m fine,>” he said with a grunt.

    “No… you’re not fine. You almost died today!” Remembering the rather stark conversation with Brawly, and how he had made Treecko fight even though he wasn’t fully healed, he continued with, “Because I… What kind friend would I be if I made you come with me?”

    “<A friend who knew who he was dealing with…>”

    Jeff forced himself to not become angry with the pokemon again; with Brawly and Treecko, he knew he couldn’t be on both of their good sides. Instead, the two stared off. The determined human shook his head and gently placed his hands on the pokemon’s shoulders.

    “No… Not this time.” Without any violence, he forcefully pushed Treecko back into a lying position, who attempted to struggle against him in vain.

    “Treecko, please… for both of our sakes, rest. Get well.”

    The wood gecko remained silent, but continued to look at him. Jeff reached in to pat Treecko’s head, but he stopped just short of meeting its destination, and instead reached for the Coke on the bed after noticing the quivering movements of his hand. His shaking hand abruptly retracted to his side after the soda was retrieved. The teen stood and backed up.

    “Goodbye, Treecko… I’ll be back soon.”

    The pokemon’s eyes followed him as he made a quick exit from the recovery room. Whether or not the quickness was to escape from the people or to get away from him, Treecko didn’t know. Then, he looked at the twig on the table, and realized Jeff’s had been absent before gazing back at the ceiling. Treecko didn’t seem to be the only one uncertain about the current circumstances.

    “<…Goodbye, Jeff.>”

    ---

    “I guess I shouldn‘t have expected anything less from that,” Jeff mumbled, and heavily sighed as he exited the pokemon center, already recalling the previous confrontation with his mulish, determined Treecko. Before leaving to get the Coke, Treecko had seemed glad for their victory and his return to Jeff’s team, but then decided to refuse the demands on remaining in his bed, to repose and recover. Jeff simply deemed it a mistake when he thought that his lizard pokemon would continue acting that way upon his arrival to the monotonous recovery room, a place that was he was sure he’d foolishly be stumbling into again.

    Walking down the busy streets of Dewford, Jeff couldn’t help but notice the few shattered houses that were supposedly ruined by an Onix. An Onix… Perhaps Atlas was the culprit, as that was his species, but Jeff forbid himself to believe that such a gentle creature could go on a rampage on this island. Doubt suddenly took over his mind as he realized he had never actually spoken to Atlas yet, and he had just basically explained the Treecko situation to him out of sheer depression. His personality was unknown, his past a mystery. And, as he had learned with days prior to this one, anything was possible.

    Overwhelmed with the confusion coursing through his mind, he began to run towards his destination; he was uncertain of future days, but he knew to go for the very moment. The tall buildings were only a blur out of the corner of his eye, and the stares of Dewford’s residents and tourists seemed nonexistent. There was nothing appealing about the island besides the gym, and even that had turned out to be a disaster with Brawly.

    Jeff began to slow down as he reached the lively, energetic beach, which was the exact opposite of his current frame of mind. Surfers could be seen scattered in the ocean water, awaiting the arrival of the next wave. Other people were playing volleyball with the nets set up on the beach, tanning, or building castles and other figures with sand with their pokemon. Looking to the left of him, however, he noticed a cave far off into the distance, and the beach area near it was deserted. Knowing it had to do something with the rampage on the town, Jeff claimed it uninteresting and began to search for Kevin and Rachel.

    When simply scanning the beach for them was unsuccessful, he began to wander around the beach on the sand in hopes of finding them. He was slightly annoyed at the grit finding its way into his shoes and socks, and he quickly pulled out his first badge from his left shoe and placed it in his pocket beside the dreaded Knuckle Badge.

    “Daedalus STILL doesn’t know about our first gym battle. After his performance in Dewford’s gym, though, he may just be happy when he finds out,” Jeff said to no one in particular, then considered having his battling talk with his Taillow while his companions were nowhere to be found. Afraid he may cause another scene in front of everybody, he decided against that and began to make his way towards the coastline.

    “Dude, these waves are totally radical today,” a familiar voice claimed, and Jeff’s head darted towards the direction of the vocals. As predicted, the blue-haired gym leader was on the beach, not too far away, crushing Jeff’s hopes of thinking, maybe, it wasn’t Brawly after all. Topless and water dripping from his swimming trunks, he walked out of the ocean to his surfer friends, a satisfied expression on his face.

    “Oh, great,” Jeff murmured, hoping Brawly wouldn’t detect him. The area Jeff was standing in was somewhat safe with the distance between them, and the other people surrounding him. But, after their past encounter, the last thing he needed was for him to get another lecture from an experienced trainer about not being with Treecko right now, or anything else that could have been left unsaid, or undone. He watched Brawly speak to his friends in an inaudible voice, surfboards in hand. Jeff suddenly became slightly paranoid, thinking they were speaking of him, about Treecko’s conditions and Daedalus’s misbehavior.

    "He didn’t even see me… did he?"

    He briskly turned his head away and began walking, continuing the search for Kevin and his traveling partner. Using his hand to block some of the sunlight that was hindering his view, he tried to make out a Pidgey somewhere on the beach, remembering Rachel had one in her possession. However, only several Wingull and Butterfree were spread throughout the luminous sky, a pleasant change from the vile storm that took place when the chase for Treecko had taken place.

    “Where the hell are they?” questioned Jeff. “Maybe Kevin thought this was TOO cute and ditched.” He kept up his ostensibly perpetual search for any sign of them. He dodged several pokemon and children playing in the sand, and began to see that Brawly was no where in sight among the people. Without knowing where he was, the bothersome paranoia stuck with him and his pace quickened immensely. As a result, he tripped over a small creature that Jeff was completely unaware of.

    “What the--” He didn’t get to finish before catching a brief glimpse of blue and toppling face-first into the warm sand without warning.

    ---

    ...Continued

    (Couldn't find a better place to break the chapter.)
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  3. #178
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    Dec 2006
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    ...Continued.

    ---

    “Squirtle…” the creature worriedly said, shrinking back into its safety zone and becoming idle in the sand. Grunting, Jeff got back up on his feet, recognizing the pokemon’s name and hoping it was who he was thinking of. He spat out the grains of sand from his mouth, and his gaze set upon Ace’s protective, immobile shell.

    “Ace!” Jeff cried. He bent over and picked up the apparently frightened pokemon. “I was looking for you guys… I found you, at least. Sorry about that,” he continued gently, watching his words for fear of insulting him again. Ace’s round, aqua head peered out of the shell towards Jeff, then towards the ground.

    “Squirtle!” it exclaimed, noticing that Jeff was holding him, and his head disappeared once more. Jeff sighed, knowing he couldn’t win with the little turtle, being a stranger to him and all. He looked around the beach, still not noticing the two teenagers.

    “Well, can you at least point out where Kevin is?” Jeff asked politely, frowning. He heard a murmur from inside the pokemon’s shell, but no comprehensible response was given. Jeff grinned slightly, then said, “What about Rachel?” He placed the seemingly fragile Ace on the ground, and he emerged from his shell and began scrambling towards another area of the medium-sized beach. Jeff followed closely behind, trying not to lose sight of the diminutive Squirtle like he did with Brawly. Soon, Ace had brought Jeff to the other two teenagers, who were already laying on two beach chairs, relaxing in the sun.

    “It’s about time you found us,” Kevin commented, slightly lifting up his sunglasses. “We went to one of the shops in Dewford to get some things for the beach. Rachel just had to go… and then use MY money.”

    “Whatever. I told you I’d pay you back later,” Rachel replied.

    “So… that’s where you guys went? I’ve been here for a while, you know; you could have told me something!” Jeff cried, aggravated. If he had known they were there previously, he most likely wouldn’t have noticed Brawly, and most definitely wouldn’t have stumbled over poor Ace.

    “Oh, we saw you after we were set up, so we sent Ace out there to get ya,” Kevin explained, patting the Squirtle on the back. He patted a little too powerfully, sending Ace falling forward into the sand, some of it sticking to his shell. Saying nothing, he slowly stood back up on his stubby legs, grumbling as he brushed the grit off of his belly.

    “Well, I just went back to check on Treecko again… So, Kevin, where’s this oh-so-fantastic starter of yours?” Jeff asked, lightening up at the fact he’d be able to see the pokemon Kevin seemed to be most proud of.

    “We’ll save the best for last. Don’t ya think that’s a good idea?” Kevin inquired, smirking. “Release yours, and same goes for Rachel, too, so even your pokemon will see it when you do.”

    Jeff sighed, and pulled out his other three pokeballs, leaving Treecko’s empty one behind. Daedalus and Corphish materialized in front of the two, which only caused Kevin’s grin to increase in size at the tiny creatures.

    “Last, but not least, we have Onix,” Jeff explained, hesitating in releasing the rock serpent pokemon. With everyone around, he wasn’t sure what would happen. Nonetheless, he released Atlas in a nearby unoccupied area, and the giant snake emerged.

    “Alright. We have Corphish, Daedalus, and Onix. I haven’t name--” Jeff began, but was cut off by his furious Taillow.

    “<His name is Atlas, you idiot,>” Daedalus simply stated. Jeff glared at him in hopes of getting him to stop. “<Hey, you had time to talk to him all day,>” the bird added sternly, his voice matter of fact.

    “<I wouldn’t talk like that, Dae. He may do what he did to me, and stick you in a bike basket in a way where all you can see is your birdy ***,>” Corppy informed. Jeff dared to look at Kevin and Rachel, unsure if they could understand the pokemon’s speech or not. He sincerely hoped neither of them could.

    “Your pokemon sound a little TOO friendly, Jeff. You might wanna tell them to tone it down a little,” Kevin said cynically.

    “<Hey, Jeff, if your friend here is another sarcastic Treecko clone… Well, who knows what Dae--HEY!>” Corphish exclaimed upon being attacked by Daedalus’s sharp break.

    “<Don’t even mention his name!>” Daedalus scolded after teaching Corphish his lesson, then flew up towards Atlas’s head, as he was the only person he wasn’t irritated or unfamiliar with at the moment. Jeff sighed deeply; already, this wasn’t going well. At least he knew his Onix’s name out of all this, and would be able to address him by his real name later on, when the time was right.

    “Um, yeah… They’re really lovable once you get to know ‘em,” he claimed, then suggested for Rachel to continue with the introductions.

    “I’m not sure what they said, but still, cool pokemon,” she said solemnly, eyeing Atlas suspiciously. She pulled her gaze away from him for a moment, withdrawing two red and white spherical devices. “I have Avis, a Pidgey, and Strix the Zubat.” Smiling, she released the two from their pokeballs. A bird pokemon with an assortment of brown and white feathers appeared, and it immediately took to the skies, enjoying the fresh air. Jeff assumed it was an amiable moment, especially since the last time it was free from the ball was in the pokemon center. Next, a bat-like pokemon emerged, following closely after Avis with its small, blue wings, and Jeff was unable to get a good look at it.

    “Hey, Daedalus, why don’t you go join them?” Jeff suggested, trying to look like a decent trainer for at least a minute. The Taillow seemed uninterested, and the two stared off with each other for a few moments, Daedalus’s black eyes piercing into Jeff’s. Doubt and hopelessness began to flood through the teenager; he was still uncertain on how to fix this situation, only having such problems with his starter so far. The Taillow soon deemed Jeff a waste of time and turned to Atlas, who was probably confused as to what was going on.

    “<So… He can understand me now if I talk to him?>” Atlas questioned eagerly, succeeding in avoiding trouble.

    “<Yeah, but don’t get your hopes up on anything amazing.>”

    “<Why not? He seems nice enough…>”

    “<Stick around and find out,>” Daedalus replied modestly. He remained in his spot, not even considering to take Jeff’s offer and fly after the other unacquainted pokemon. Atlas dismissed the comment, and focused his attention on his trainer again, anticipating the next action.

    “Alright, Kevin, I showed you mine, and you have no more excuses. Show your starter already!” Jeff nosily commanded, fed up with the waiting.

    “Fine, fine.” Kevin gave in, and stood up from his seat. He avoided stepping on Corphish in the process, who was busy with throwing the newly bought beach ball at Ace’s shell in an attempt for him to come out. Kevin chuckled at his inferior Squirtle, and pulled out his starter’s pokeball, which looked just like any other one; Jeff expected something fancy and special for such a glorified pokemon. Still grinning, Kevin cried, “Let’s go, Blitz! Let everyone see just how awesome you are!”

    The pokeball was thrown into the air, and a blinding white figure appeared on the sand as the ball was retracted to Kevin’s hand. As the white began to instantly fade, Jeff could already sense that there was something vaguely recognizable about the figure. A mantis pokemon was able to be seen, its menacing and intimidating cream-colored blades standing out above all other features.

    “Scyther!” it proudly cried, its sharp, raspy voice sending adrenaline coursing through Jeff’s body. Jeff looked around the group frantically, searching for even the slightest clue of red, but was sincerely, yet relatively relieved when he saw none. The Scyther, Blitz, also looked at his surroundings, and his hazel eyes stopped dead in their tracks when they reached Jeff. The boy had to force himself to not cry out, and remain in his current position. He couldn’t leave his pokemon with the creature, after all, if it was anything like his previous encounter with the species…

    “<You… I know you!>” Blitz exclaimed. He raised one of his blades to Jeff, causing him to jump and take a few quick steps back.

    “Heh… So, you two actually know each other?” Kevin asked with one of his eyebrows raised. “Well, that must be an honor, right, Jeff?”

    Jeff’s mouth opened to respond, but no words were able to come out. He began to briefly think fate was out to get him once again, bringing about the same Scyther that he encountered the day he met Treecko. Utterly stunned, an incredibly small part of Jeff wanted to thank Blitz for incidentally causing him and Treecko to cross paths, as it was a momentous and life-changing day indeed, but his effort only came in vain. The terrorizing and dreaded metal cutting across his skin, the harrowing chase through the forest, and the thoughts of whether or not he was going to come out alive crushed him and his soul. The boy’s knees began to wobble, as if he were to fall down in defeat at any moment, just as he had done before his savior had bravely come in. He grabbed his left shoulder as he had done that night, and was even more frightened to see that no relief came to him when he realized there was no blood present. He could have sworn he heard himself screaming from the agony again. An immensely disquieting sensation coursed through his white and lavender scar. Warm waves of sweat and chills crawled up and down his back and neck. Jeff took a pace backwards while color continued to drain from his face. Every single instinct in Jeff’s possession yelled at him to run.

    Everyone around Jeff looked at him, and it was clear that each person was puzzled besides Blitz, also recalling the fateful night. The Scyther put down his blade, seeing that just his presence could send chills down Jeff’s spine and send him down a trail of unsolicited, gruesome memories. Blitz took a step forwards, holding his scythes at his sides in such a way so that he’d be identified as non-threatening. Nevertheless, the terrified teen took another step backwards in result of the Scyther’s approach. Jeff’s foot, unfortunately, took a misstep on Ace’s shell and plummeted backwards onto his rear. That feeling of helplessness and impending doom returned as Blitz took another step towards him. He knew that this must have been how Ace felt whenever he was with him. The brown-haired teenager was trembling out of fear and anxiety. His fight-or-flight response kicked in, and he vividly remembered what happened the last time he tried to fight this thing. He was left with only one sure fire solution.

    Jeff took the only escape route he could seem to find. Leaving his three pokemon in the hands of Kevin and Rachel despite earlier thoughts, he bolted from his sitting position and began to run through the sand, ignoring the gleaming sun that blinded some of his view. He heard a young girl yell out to him as he ran right past her, trampling over her towel and other belongings in the process, but the voice was slurred and incomprehensible to Jeff. His heart pounding, he continued running, trying to leave behind the cause of the life-threatening situation the best as he could.

    Sprinting faster than he ever thought he could, he plowed through sandcastles and leapt over sunbathers enjoying the rays. Through his mad dash, he managed to make out a beach shop ahead of him to his right. Jeff changed his course and ran towards that destination as opposed to ‘anywhere but back there’. He swung around the side of the structure so that he would be concealed from Blitz’s or anyone else’s views. With his back pressed up against the wall, he slid to a sitting position and clutched his left shoulder with shaky hands.

    “Oh crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap…” Jeff constantly grunted between exerted pants.

    What Jeff wouldn’t give for the protection of Treecko in this lone moment. He fought that Scyther off once before… he’d be able to do it again.

    The teen brought his hands to his temples and tightened his eyes. He heard screams--ones not reminiscent howls in the form of a flashback, but real yells of dread coming from the beach.

    “Oh, Arceus, no! Kevin should never have released it here. It’s going to start attacking the people on the beach. I left my pokemon with it, but I had to.” He silently pleaded for Kevin to recall the Scyther as the impenetrable screams continued.

    After many moments of hesitation, Jeff brought himself to slowly edge against the wall towards the rusty, metal corner of the shop to see the probable carnage. The terrified teen moved in such a cautious way it was as if he were traversing through a minefield. He peered around the corner to find a crowd of the beach inhabitants running away from the place where he was previously with his pokemon and the others. Through the panicked mob he could see the distinct blue hair of the gym leader going against the flow of people. Jeff immediately turned his head so that the back of it was once again against the sheet metal wall. He heard people who were running by mention something about something returning to the town, and how they were told to leave the beach while Brawly took care of it. His heart rate remained at a rapid pace. Jeff shut his eyes and waited.

    “What the hell is going on here?” he thought to himself. “It’s just one disaster after another!”

    Jeff decided to brave up and open his eyes. The teen was surprised and confused to see the crowd halted near the edge of the beach, which was a little ways away from Jeff’s hiding place. A line of people stood staring past him and at where Brawly must have been. He heard something over the distant nervous chattering that made his heart stop.

    Humming. Jeff heard the humming of fast beating wings- that of a bug. It grew louder and undoubtedly closer. There was only one pokemon on that beach who he knew could make a noise like that, and it was the one pokemon he wished he would never see again. He began to sweat in fearful anticipation as the dreaded drone grew louder; the moment was reminiscent of a falling artillery shell approaching its target. Jeff looked at one of the people in the crowd who pointed above both the teen and the now deserted stand in awe.

    The louder the buzz became, the tighter he clutched his scarred arm. Then it happened. There was a definite clank on the roof of the metal shop above him and the humming stopped. Every part of Jeff froze. His widened eyes slowly moved upwards to find a blade which was fixed to a light green limb above him, seemingly branching from the roof. His heart seemed to beat in slow motion now as he prayed that it didn’t see him. Much to Jeff’s luck, or so he thought, the Scyther remained oblivious to Jeff.

    He then heard the pokemon call out, “<Human, come back… The Onix is in trouble.>”

    Jeff realized that he was calling to him and that the Onix was Atlas. The teen shakily moved back towards the corner of the stall and poked his head around the corner. He could see Atlas--who appeared to be in pain--and a human. The figure had the unmistakable aqua hair which Jeff identified with Brawly.

    “What the… Onix? At-Atlas? What’s Brawly doing? What’s going on?!” muttered Jeff to himself.

    Jeff initially couldn’t bring himself to leave his secure position for fear of being cut up and mangled by the terrifying pokemon. He remained in his place, his head close to the corner so he could still examine the event. He began to quickly ignore the fact that Blitz was directly above him as his attention was drawn to Atlas and Brawly. Much to Jeff’s initial terror, but soon following overwhelming relief, he heard the humming of Blitz start up again and then fade farther back from where he came. Jeff peered around the corner again to see Atlas hunched over. Regardless of the fact that the Scyther could still be around, Jeff stepped out from his hiding place and started to slowly walk along the beach towards them to get a better look, carefully trying to not run into Blitz at the same time. Sure enough, the gym leader’s trusty Makuhita was standing in the sand, apparently in a fighting stance. He also noticed two humans and their pokemon watching from the side, along with Jeff’s.

    “What the hell…” he muttered, speeding up towards the group. He sincerely hoped this wasn’t about what he thought it was. Slowing his run as he reached everyone, he reached for Atlas’s pokeball to return him before Brawly could order the fighting-type to do anything to the gentle rock serpent.

    “What does he think he’s doing?” Jeff whispered to Kevin.

    “Apparently, your Onix is a convict or something. Oh, and Blitz is in his pokeball now, in case you decide to run away like that again,” Kevin replied, chuckling softly. Jeff shot a glare at him, though he could have admitted he was relieved that Blitz was gone--for now, at least. He shoved that thought away, and listened intently as he realized Brawly was talking.

    “Makuhita, dude, watch the Onix closely, and totally attack without hesitation if you think he shows even the littlest sign of harming anyone. He seems totally fine for now… I’m going to find some dude who can ship him off to somewhere father away,” Brawly claimed, then solemnly added, “Whoever decided to bring him back here is totally bogus to me…” As he began to start running in an attempt to get someone as soon as possible, he saw Jeff outstretching his arm with the white and red spherical device in his hand. Brawly changed his direction, and didn’t think twice about his actions when grabbing the teenager’s arm, then moving it away so that the red beam missed its target.

    “What was that for? This is MY Onix,” Jeff proudly stated, trying to put a threatening expression on his face at the same time.

    “This is yours, dude? I guess that’s totally not a surprise,” Brawly said through gritted teeth. “You must be trying to become really famous out here, dude. This Onix is the SAME one that went on a rampage on Dewford not long ago. I can tell because of the scar it has. Radical thinking, bringing it back here, ya?” His voice was harsh and serious, but had no effect on Jeff as he refused to accept what he was saying. The words he heard earlier were indeed true, but these didn’t make any sense to him. His grip on the pokeball tightened, and for a moment he was afraid he was going to crush it, if that was even possible.

    Jeff scowled. “I think you’re making a big mistake. Atlas--that’s his name--couldn’t do something like that. Since I got him, he’s shown no signs of being violent or anything, and you’re accusing him of… this!” he cried, imagining the destroyed houses again.

    “Tell me, dude, how long you’ve had Onix, Atlas, whatever,” Brawly somberly ordered.

    Gulping, he said, “Not very long, but--”

    “Then you don’t know what he’s capable of yet, dude! I don’t know which situation is worse: the gym battle, or this!” he shouted, the words embedding themselves into Jeff’s head. Once again, the gym leader was correct, but he simply excluded the thoughts of giving Atlas up to him. He considered looking to Kevin or Rachel for help, but decided against it, knowing they hadn’t known Atlas long enough to solidly confirm that destruction just wasn’t likely to come from the pokemon.

    “I--”

    “You what, dude? Judge by the Onix’s first actions? Y’know, every dude on Dewford can tell you that the Onix is a total menace. And only I can tell you that your team will become even more messed up because of this Onix’s personality,” Brawly claimed, his words piercing through Jeff once more.

    Atlas remained still in his place. His eyes shifted over from warily watching the Makuhita to the two arguing humans behind it. The rock snake then sunk his head slightly. Jeff remained clenching the pokeball with a silent intensity emanating from him.

    “Now hand over the pokeball, dude… Now! Can’t have you running off with this friggin’ con while I’m getting help!” the gym leader ordered, his grip of Jeff’s arm tightening. Brawly awaited the answer for a moment before asking affirmation. “Full on?”

    The angered teen attempted to rip his arm from Brawly’s firm grasp, only to budge the gym leader’s arm slightly with the forceful pull.

    “I don’t think you understand how in over your crumbeater head you are. Now quit givin’ me that stink-eye and hand over the friggin’ pokeball.”

    Flustered, Jeff shouted, “No! I don’t think YOU understand! Me and Atlas are not bad people! How dare you accuse my Onix of this chaos! He wouldn’t touch a damn fly! Besides, there’s a lot of Onix with scars--”

    “<Jeff…>” Atlas said softly, looking out to the sea.

    The teen stopped and turned around. He was in the process of speaking when Atlas began in another low grumble.

    “<…What he says is true,>” the guilty Onix mumbled.

    The color drained from Jeff’s flushing face. Still, he thought that Atlas was confessing to avoid further trouble--it seemed like something the genial creature COULD do. He viewed his statement as false and deceptive.

    “<I didn’t mean to. I couldn’t control it… The pain… It took over. I didn’t want to- I…>” Atlas urged, shutting his eyes in shame.

    “Yeah, whatever dude. The fact of the matter is we caught him red-tailed and now that he knows he’s busted he’s confessing. Jeff, dude, give me his pokeball before he goes bananas again. This time he might hurt your crewbies,” Brawly scoffed, gesturing to Kevin, Rachel, and the pokemon.

    “<Do it, Jeff… He has the right to…>”

    “…No. NO! You WON’T take my Onix away from me!”

    “No way, man. You can’t pull the ‘righteous trainer card’ now! I know what you are. You’re an irresponsible trainer who can’t take care of his pokemon and got lucky with those two badges you’ve supposedly earned.”

    “Hey, now wait a minute!” Kevin remarked, stepping in to defend Jeff.

    “Back off, Kev,” the other teen ordered

    “But Jeff, he--”

    “I SAID I CAN HANDLE IT,” Jeff roared, losing his temper. He guessed there‘d be no possible way to make Atlas deny his accusations and said, “Atlas said he didn’t mean to so I believe him!”

    “And that brings all of the destroyed houses back, yeah?” the irked gym leader retorted.

    Jeff sighed and adamantly stated, “You’re not taking Atlas away...” His grip on the pokeball remained steadfast.

    “Dude, I’m gonna ask you ONE more time before I sic my bro, Makuhita, on that pokemon who is no more than a destructive beast!”

    Atlas sunk at the harsh comment, still unable to move for worry of Brawly’s fighting type attacking him again.

    “Take it back,” Jeff simply commanded.

    “Give me the…”

    “TAKE IT BACK!” he yelled again. Jeff dropped the pokeball and wrenched his now free arm from Brawly’s grasp. The infuriated teen raised his fist and, within a second, uppercut the gym leader in his jaw.

    Brawly stumbled back a few steps, but was followed by Jeff, who executed two more quick blows to his face. The attacker subconsciously grinned and quickly examined the smear of blood on his right knuckle. Meanwhile, Brawly was collecting himself and raised his own fists.

    “Shouldn’t have done that, man,” Brawly said with a sneer across his tanned face. Blood trickled from his nose and lip as a result from Jeff’s sucker punches.

    The teen’s adrenaline raised much like it had done when Blitz appeared. He then took a fighting stance. Jeff inched forward in an attempt to make the first move but he noticed Brawly beat him to the draw. The blue-haired fighting expert charged him. Before Jeff could even move to defend himself, he felt his knees being kicked out from under him. Within the one millisecond, he felt and remembered the tenderness of his once-dislocated knee. Then he felt his back on the sand.

    During this, Jeff had his eyes closed. Without time to react from the precise fall, he felt Brawly’s warm fist hammering his face and chest. Lack of sensation overtook his nose, lips, and face. In addition to the cold, numbing feeling, he felt hot drops of blood leak from the cuts, providing an unpleasant contrast.

    Jeff dared to open his eyes after the actions happened so fast. He let out a faint grunt as he opened his eyelids. The defeated assailant looked up to see Brawly standing over him, his sandal placed on Jeff’s chest. He tried to get up, but the victor kept him from doing so; Brawly just pressed his foot into his ribs harder. Then he heard a voice.

    “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” it yelled.

    Jeff lifted his head up to see an infuriated Kevin walking towards Brawly, as if ready to strike.

    “Kevin, he DID attack him first,” Rachel added uncertainly.

    “Yeah, back off bro, or do you want to end up like your friend here?” Brawly asked, gesturing to Jeff.

    The teenager dropped his aching head back into the sand, lazily spitting blood from his mouth. Makuhita turned his head around to face Brawly.

    "That's not fair! Jeff was only--" complained Kevin before being interrupted.

    “Brah, I said keep your eyes on that Onix!” Brawly said to the Makihita.

    Makuhita abruptly turned back around to face Atlas, who looked down at Jeff in worry and guilt. Kevin continued to yell at the gym leader.

    “Aren’t you gonna let him up?!” he spat in disdain.

    “Doesn’t look like it, dude,” he calmly replied, holding his hand to his bleeding nose as he turned to face Kevin.

    Out of anger, Jeff seized the opportunity while Brawly was distracted. He grabbed the leg pinning him down and lifted it off of his chest. The teen threw his leg to make the gym leader lose balance and instantly after, Jeff rolled towards Brawly’s still-landlocked leg. He fell to the ground beside him. Jeff hopped onto Brawly’s chest and prepared to commence the beating. But then he heard a snarling to his right. Before he could punch Brawly, he turned to see where the noise came from and as he did, whatever it was tackled Jeff off the blue-haired gym leader and back into the sand.

    He felt claws pinning his shoulders into the sand. Jeff opened his eyes and saw a four-legged, orange furred animal on top of him. All he could really pay attention to was the razor sharp teeth being bore at him and the saliva dripping onto him as a result. The dog-like pokemon had tufts of pale yellow fur beneath its intimidating mouth and atop its head. Jeff swore he could see a wave of heat radiating from the Growlithe’s throat while it pinned him down. While shrinking back in defeat from the dog pokemon, Jeff could hear the running of other feet in the sand. In addition to that, he heard commands coming from officers to surround Atlas, and to not let their guards down when watching him.

    “Brawly, what’s going on here?” another voice asked, motioning towards Jeff on the ground.

    “This dude owns the Onix… and then he totally attacked me after I said I was going to get help,” Brawly explained, his eyes fixed upon the teenager in contempt.

    “Is that so?” the officer muttered, and then ordered for the Growlithe to leave his position on top of the boy. Jeff didn’t feel pushed into the sand anymore, and let out a small sigh of relief. As a reaction, he began to sit up, his face and chest throbbing in pain from the scuffle, the alleviation quickly vanishing. He wasn’t able to go any further, however, as he felt his arms being grabbed once again and placed behind his back. Chills crept up his arm as he felt the cold metal of handcuffs callously placed upon his wrists, and then he was hoisted up by one of the officers from the sand.

    “This is ridiculous,” Kevin protested. “Jeff didn’t do a single damn thing wrong here!” His attempt to help his friend was ignored.

    “We’ll take care of the Onix,” another officer assured Brawly and the guy keeping a unyielding hold on Jeff. “Let’s go, boy.” He fiercely pushed Jeff as a signal to start walking; Jeff didn’t even have to question about where they were headed. As he stumbled through the sand, trying to keep up with the cop‘s fast pace, he took once last glance at his friends and pokemon. A feeling of desolation swept over him as he then focused on the benevolent and dismayed expression on the Onix’s face. Turning back his head to see where he was stepping, he wondered how the peaceful rock serpent could be so misunderstood and mistaken for a monster.

    -----



    And now to hide from the angry mob who thought Kevin was Alan. ^_^ Jeff should consider himself lucky.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 5th January 2008 at 6:52 PM.
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    Chapter 21 is up.

  4. #179
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    “What kind of Paras mushrooms have you been eating?” he asked with a quizzical chuckle. “Come on, you haven’t been gone THAT long!”

    “What?!” Jeff asked, rising to his feet. He managed to finally get a focus on the guy, who, indeed, was not Alan. “Kevin?!” A wave of relief swept over him; ever since his last encounter with that enemy of his, he couldn’t predict what would happen if he were to meet up with him again.
    What!!!! You better hide! Lol, this was an amazing twist.

    Plot was fantasitc this chapter, twists and turns galor. I loved the Brawly fiasco that was sort of a battle, it blew my mind. Definetly my favorite chapter so far plot wise.

    Descritpion was fantastic, you really nailed it in this chapter, and I'm sure that beta helped a lot too. The backround, the scenery, and of course pokemon were all described in vivid detail, helping me really visualize what was going on.

    However, it was a tad long, but then again, I would have killed you if you ended where your first post did! So good job, all in all.

    (Btw, your style of writing has FINALLY made we not hate Treecko!)

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  5. #180
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    Another great chapter. I think you made the mistake of putting father instead of farther, but it's not too big of a deal. This chapter had lots of intriguing developments, and the writing was excellent.

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  6. #181
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    Goddamn pork chops...always appearing at the most despised times.

    Nice chapter again, and I will make extra sure to completely vapourise the next Makuhita I see. Brawly's also on my hitlist for his ******* attitude, which I guess isn't anything unusual for a Fighting-type trainer.

    *sighs with menace at stupid fire dogs who die to EQ*

    As I stated, good chappie, and let's hope the obnoxious swine actually listens instead of chucking Jeff in a cell while Atlas gets punished.


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  7. #182
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    hmmm very interesting... it is rather turn of events hm?
    btw i couldn't make any difference between the style of writing however... i am not very picky with fan-fics so i just generally say its really good though i can tell when it wasn't done well. Anyways i like the improvement throughout the chapter and through some of it i could picture it pretty well. in some other spots... well it wasn't as clear but still able to be seen.

    Anyways looking forward towards the next chapter.

    btw i like corphish

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  8. #183
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    Nice work there... nothing too much to add here, thanks to SerebiiForums lagging big time for me now... review shall have to be quick too.

    Description was great - overall, the whole thing was great - although it was certainly worse than the previous chapter, considering how great thta chapter was. At times, I do think that the first half of the story dragged out a bit too long - and how many times did Kevin postpone the 'showing' of his starter? Nice twists along the way, and I am kinda questioning Brawly's authority at the moment... hurray for Jeff taking action and hitting him

    I did think that the second half of the story was better than the first, probably due to more action, and the story wasn't dragged out as long. The standout here was description however. And the tension (which has ebeen a constant part of your writing) was great again, mainly towards the end. Jeff still slightly annoys me as a character however - not his protrayal, but his personality.

    I wonder if this whole thing will blow over... finally, or if this shall continue for a bit... one thing I must say, your writing is noting like how the first few chapters were like - it's improved immensely.
    Didn't pick up on any mistakes. Good job.

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  9. #184
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    I must say, I like the way you portrayed Brawly this chapter and also the last chapter. I like how you have him involved and his worriness over Jeff. Roxanne I felt you just put her there because she's one of the league gym leaders and she didn't seem to think too much about him (sorry for not putting about her last chapter...kinda forgot ^O^;;; ). I don't know, I guess I like it when the gym leaders have their opinions on the trainers and not just the usual "You'll do great things!" the gym leaders say in the games. On the other hand, I'm surprised Brawly fought Jeff back after he punched him. Thought he would know better but I guess he was suddenly mad at Jeff things got out of hand. I'm also surprised the police didn't say anything of Brawly fighting, despite him being a gym leader.

    The truth, I didn't like it when Kevin keep saying to Squritle that he's a coward and such but on the other hand I interpret he was just saying it in a fun poking friendly kind of tone. I like him though as he seems to be a guy that likes to joke around but also is capable to be serious, example while Jeff and Brawly fought. Rachel I can't say much. She seems like a nice girl although not much of her personality is shown clearer like Kevin, in my opinion.

    Lastly, so Treecko actually went to that gym for himself? Huh, I thought he did it for Jeff after he said he was proud of him. Now I'm confused like the little green starter! XD

    In short, quite an interesting chapter with the appearance of Rachel and Kevin and more conflict dealing with the Atlas incident. Can't wait for the next chapter and good luck with the exams! ^^

    PS- Sorry if this review doesn't say much on how to improve. Urgh, now I'm starting to have good luck and bad luck like Jeff and it's driving me a bit crazy! O.o


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  10. #185
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    Smile One Review...coming up!

    Dude, guy, dude, guy! this ROCKED!!! Brawly a fart-a*** (i loved it when Jeff decked the loser), kevin seems cool, Ace is an adorable wimp and Rachel seems like a perky charactrer to me! And to cap matters, we discover what happened to the Scyther that attacked Jeff in the beginning! Very nice plot twist!

    On to Grammar time:

    Jeff realized what that must have sounded like and apologized.


    maybe we should pitch up a tent until then


    Treecko merely blinked in complaint before turning his head away.

    but Jeff forbade himself to believe that such a gentle creature could go on a rampage on this island.

    Poor Atlas! Y'know, he seems to me as the only one on Jeff's team that is cool-headed and logical. Dae's getting pissy, Corppy's a sugar-high frak of water pokemon nature and T-Cko's a messed-up emo green lima bean.

    Well, got to wait a frickin' month for the next, hunh? Oh well...

    got to go...

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  11. #186
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    Ghost Reviewer, I promise I'll give you a nice juicey review response soon, but I'm on my free class so I only have limited time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    What!!!! You better hide! Lol, this was an amazing twist.

    Plot was fantasitc this chapter, twists and turns galor. I loved the Brawly fiasco that was sort of a battle, it blew my mind. Definetly my favorite chapter so far plot wise.

    Descritpion was fantastic, you really nailed it in this chapter, and I'm sure that beta helped a lot too. The backround, the scenery, and of course pokemon were all described in vivid detail, helping me really visualize what was going on.

    However, it was a tad long, but then again, I would have killed you if you ended where your first post did! So good job, all in all.

    (Btw, your style of writing has FINALLY made we not hate Treecko!)
    *keeps hiding*

    Thanks, I didn't realize until you brought it up how many twists there were. :O
    The description was most likely thanks to Diamondpearl since I still have a ways to go in that factor.

    Originally this chapter was supposed to be combined with the next chapter but yeah... things got long again xD.

    Not hating Treecko?! That's good to hear! xP

    Quote Originally Posted by Apotheosis View Post
    Another great chapter. I think you made the mistake of putting father instead of farther, but it's not too big of a deal. This chapter had lots of intriguing developments, and the writing was excellent.
    Cool, thanks Where was the mistake, by the way?

    Quote Originally Posted by fishyfool View Post
    Goddamn pork chops...always appearing at the most despised times.

    Nice chapter again, and I will make extra sure to completely vapourise the next Makuhita I see. Brawly's also on my hitlist for his ******* attitude, which I guess isn't anything unusual for a Fighting-type trainer.

    *sighs with menace at stupid fire dogs who die to EQ*

    As I stated, good chappie, and let's hope the obnoxious swine actually listens instead of chucking Jeff in a cell while Atlas gets punished.
    Pork chops...my old nemesis...

    Thanks :P Vaporize one for me, too.

    Earthquake?

    Yes, let's hope that he doesn't...but that's wishful thinking

    Quote Originally Posted by Slipomatic View Post
    hmmm very interesting... it is rather turn of events hm?
    btw i couldn't make any difference between the style of writing however... i am not very picky with fan-fics so i just generally say its really good though i can tell when it wasn't done well. Anyways i like the improvement throughout the chapter and through some of it i could picture it pretty well. in some other spots... well it wasn't as clear but still able to be seen.

    Anyways looking forward towards the next chapter.

    btw i like corphish
    The unclear spots were most likely my parts

    Everybody loves Corphish! <----Should be a spinoff talk show.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Nice work there... nothing too much to add here, thanks to SerebiiForums lagging big time for me now... review shall have to be quick too.

    Description was great - overall, the whole thing was great - although it was certainly worse than the previous chapter, considering how great thta chapter was. At times, I do think that the first half of the story dragged out a bit too long - and how many times did Kevin postpone the 'showing' of his starter? Nice twists along the way, and I am kinda questioning Brawly's authority at the moment... hurray for Jeff taking action and hitting him

    I did think that the second half of the story was better than the first, probably due to more action, and the story wasn't dragged out as long. The standout here was description however. And the tension (which has ebeen a constant part of your writing) was great again, mainly towards the end. Jeff still slightly annoys me as a character however - not his protrayal, but his personality.

    I wonder if this whole thing will blow over... finally, or if this shall continue for a bit... one thing I must say, your writing is noting like how the first few chapters were like - it's improved immensely.
    Didn't pick up on any mistakes. Good job.
    Yeah I'm told that the first half was a bit slow, but characters needed to be established one way or another. I think Kevin postponed it about 3 times. :P
    Yeah, Brawly... I guess he is doing what he thinks is right although he is quite ignorant to the truth.

    What part of his personality? The self-consciousness? :P (I still don't want to call it 'emoness' )

    And by "this thing" do you mean the deal with Atlas and Jeff's current situation or the thing with Jeff and Treecko? Either way, something will happen next chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    I must say, I like the way you portrayed Brawly this chapter and also the last chapter. I like how you have him involved and his worriness over Jeff. Roxanne I felt you just put her there because she's one of the league gym leaders and she didn't seem to think too much about him (sorry for not putting about her last chapter...kinda forgot ^O^;;; ). I don't know, I guess I like it when the gym leaders have their opinions on the trainers and not just the usual "You'll do great things!" the gym leaders say in the games. On the other hand, I'm surprised Brawly fought Jeff back after he punched him. Thought he would know better but I guess he was suddenly mad at Jeff things got out of hand. I'm also surprised the police didn't say anything of Brawly fighting, despite him being a gym leader.

    The truth, I didn't like it when Kevin keep saying to Squritle that he's a coward and such but on the other hand I interpret he was just saying it in a fun poking friendly kind of tone. I like him though as he seems to be a guy that likes to joke around but also is capable to be serious, example while Jeff and Brawly fought. Rachel I can't say much. She seems like a nice girl although not much of her personality is shown clearer like Kevin, in my opinion.

    Lastly, so Treecko actually went to that gym for himself? Huh, I thought he did it for Jeff after he said he was proud of him. Now I'm confused like the little green starter! XD

    In short, quite an interesting chapter with the appearance of Rachel and Kevin and more conflict dealing with the Atlas incident. Can't wait for the next chapter and good luck with the exams! ^^

    PS- Sorry if this review doesn't say much on how to improve. Urgh, now I'm starting to have good luck and bad luck like Jeff and it's driving me a bit crazy! O.o
    Brawly was pretty pisses at Jeff, and he could have justified it with "self-defence". Also, the police didn't see the initial fight, they didn't come until they saw Jeff over Brawly on the ground ready to punch him.

    Kevin, to put it lightly, is a jerk, but he does mean well. Yeah we didn't get too much of a chance to show Rachel's personality yet, but I think we'll try to delve deeper next chapter.

    Well, Treecko does really care for Jeff and he was proud that Jeff got out of his metaphorical ditch. Also he was dying at the time. After the light of being alive wore off he began to become confused as to what would happen between them. It's quite a confusing ordeal which will, for the most part, be settled next chapter.

    Thanks, (even though whenever I'm wished good luck the exact opposite happens =P ) We MAY get the next chapter out before exams, but that could be wishful thinking.

    And no problem, any review is appreciated :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Dude, guy, dude, guy! this ROCKED!!! Brawly a fart-a*** (i loved it when Jeff decked the loser), kevin seems cool, Ace is an adorable wimp and Rachel seems like a perky charactrer to me! And to cap matters, we discover what happened to the Scyther that attacked Jeff in the beginning! Very nice plot twist!

    On to Grammar time:

    Jeff realized what that must have sounded like and apologized.


    maybe we should pitch up a tent until then


    Treecko merely blinked in complaint before turning his head away.

    but Jeff forbade himself to believe that such a gentle creature could go on a rampage on this island.

    Poor Atlas! Y'know, he seems to me as the only one on Jeff's team that is cool-headed and logical. Dae's getting pissy, Corppy's a sugar-high frak of water pokemon nature and T-Cko's a messed-up emo green lima bean.

    Well, got to wait a frickin' month for the next, hunh? Oh well...

    got to go...

    L@er!
    Thanks :P

    Yeah, poor Atlas!!

    I still don't want to call Treecko "emo". I think "very complicated" is a better word

    Like I said, it COULD come sooner, we'll see.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  12. #187
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    Oh, If you want to fix the mistake I'll point it out:

    "“Makuhita, dude, watch the Onix closely, and totally attack without hesitation if you think he shows even the littlest sign of harming anyone. He seems totally fine for now… I’m going to find some dude who can ship him off to somewhere father away,” Brawly claimed, then solemnly added, “Whoever decided to bring him back here is totally bogus to me…” As he began to start running in an attempt to get someone as soon as possible, he saw Jeff outstretching his arm with the white and red spherical device in his hand. Brawly changed his direction, and didn’t think twice about his actions when grabbing the teenager’s arm, then moving it away so that the red beam missed its target."

    Link to my fanfic.
    I was Superkeeleybro on Nsider
    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

  13. #188
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    Okay, thanks. :P
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  14. #189
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    wondering on how he was going to handle this;
    The "on" isn't needed, but it may or may not be "technically" a mistake.

    depending on their previous encounters with Brawly, or lack thereof.
    "Thereof" is one word.

    causing Ace to knock over the salt shaker
    Are you sure you really didn’t fight because you wanted to help Jeff?>”
    Whoever, or whatever, made him decide to leave the room without the Coke had done a horrible job of keeping him with them.
    "Whoever" and "whatever" are one word.

    I'll get on to the review of the content a bit later, but I want to play a little devil's advocate here.

    As it stands right now (at least for me personally) I cannot say whether Atlas is the culprit or not. A lot of folks here are automatically declaring Atlas the innocent one and Brawly the jerk without considering all the facts given. Therefore, I will pad this review out even longer to examine key pieces of evidence:
    1) The scar on the Onix: Now, Brawly claims that the scar is the identifying mark on the rampaging Onix, while Jeff contends that many Onix have scars. There is a SLIM possibility that two different Onix may have the same shape of scar on the same location, but the possibility is great enough so that the scar isn't an absolute identifier, like DNA would be. But, it definitely tips the scales in favor of Atlas' guilt.

    2) Atlas' gentle attitude: I visit the America's Most Wanted website often, and it amazes me how many of the fugitives profiled there are able to mask their true intentions beneath a facade of politeness and friendliness. So Jeff as a character witness to Atlas' gentle demeanor really can't be counted as evidence.

    3) Atlas' confession: It's pretty much a given that Atlas confessed to the rampages to end the brewing strife between Jeff and Brawly. But, is it the truth? I would be inclined to think so, since he confessed knowing that only Jeff (and the other Pokemon) would understand him, but again, I cannot be 100% sure.

    My point with this long courtroom drama was to illustrate that there's not really enough evidence to determine either Atlas' guilt or innocence, and so conclusions should not be jumped to so hastily.

    Unfortunately, that is what Jeff did. I do not feel that Jeff's actions were justified, despite the attitude that Brawly was giving him. It looks like once again, his impulsiveness is going to land him in a lot of trouble. As for Brawly, I do believe that he was acting in the best interest of the others at the beach. Even if Atlas wasn't the real culprit, he looks similar enough to justify at least removing him from the beach until it can be determined whether he was the guilty party or not. And I attribute his rudeness and impulsiveness to his fear that Atlas could start another rampage, potentially injuring many beachgoers.

    So yeah, there's my reason why I think Jeff was in the wrong and Brawly was in the right. Again, that's only my opinion, and the reasoning behind it

    With that said:
    The very fact that I went into an in-depth analysis of the evidence and guilt or innocence of Atlas means you wrote one HELL of a chapter. The appearance of Kevin and the still-mysterious Rachel was a surprise (at least it wasn't Alan, or there would have been TWO fistfights this chapter) and the fact that Kevin's starter was an all too familiar Scyther from before in Jeff's life was stunning as well.

    I know that Kevin had no idea of Biltz and Jeff having a previous encounter, but the constant "I'll show you later" bit kinda led up to the big revealing- and Jeff running for his life.

    And then there's the whole Atlas incident, which I went through in so much excruciating detail that I don't feel like doing it again- I will say it was well thought out and prompted some very nice discussion.

    Description was handled very well, but it's the plot twists that really sold this chapter. Well, that and the fact I was able to use my years of watching crime shows in a fic review

  15. #190
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    Griff4815, Your honor, the defense is ready... LOL:

    Arguments in Brawly's favour:

    1. He's the gym leader and the safety of his town is his responsibility.

    2. Jeff's attack solidifies Atlas's guilt in a manner of speaking.

    3. The prosecution has a point as to the gentlest people being capable of committing the most heinous crimes.

    Arguments in Atlas's favour:

    1. Atlas has shown no signs of aggression since leaving Dewford.

    2. The prosecution (DarkPersian 479) has stated that Atlas confessed, albeit the reason given for the rampage have not yet been examined.

    3. The scar, which could have triggered the rampage has had its origins unexplored. This should be looked into if the Onix is solely responsible for its actions. If the defendant, Atlas, were responsible for his actions on dewford, i.e. it was an act of unprovoked aggression, would not a similar scenario have occured in Littleroot and possibly Petalburg?

    Whilst the scales tip heavily against myclient (so LOL) I feel this trial should undergo further investigation pending these numerous questions left unanswered.

    the Defense rests.

    Hey, don't look at me... DarkPersian and Phoenix Wright started it...

    L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
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  16. #191
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkPersian479 View Post
    The "on" isn't needed, but it may or may not be "technically" a mistake.


    "Thereof" is one word.






    "Whoever" and "whatever" are one word.

    I'll get on to the review of the content a bit later, but I want to play a little devil's advocate here.

    As it stands right now (at least for me personally) I cannot say whether Atlas is the culprit or not. A lot of folks here are automatically declaring Atlas the innocent one and Brawly the jerk without considering all the facts given. Therefore, I will pad this review out even longer to examine key pieces of evidence:
    1) The scar on the Onix: Now, Brawly claims that the scar is the identifying mark on the rampaging Onix, while Jeff contends that many Onix have scars. There is a SLIM possibility that two different Onix may have the same shape of scar on the same location, but the possibility is great enough so that the scar isn't an absolute identifier, like DNA would be. But, it definitely tips the scales in favor of Atlas' guilt.

    2) Atlas' gentle attitude: I visit the America's Most Wanted website often, and it amazes me how many of the fugitives profiled there are able to mask their true intentions beneath a facade of politeness and friendliness. So Jeff as a character witness to Atlas' gentle demeanor really can't be counted as evidence.

    3) Atlas' confession: It's pretty much a given that Atlas confessed to the rampages to end the brewing strife between Jeff and Brawly. But, is it the truth? I would be inclined to think so, since he confessed knowing that only Jeff (and the other Pokemon) would understand him, but again, I cannot be 100% sure.

    My point with this long courtroom drama was to illustrate that there's not really enough evidence to determine either Atlas' guilt or innocence, and so conclusions should not be jumped to so hastily.

    Unfortunately, that is what Jeff did. I do not feel that Jeff's actions were justified, despite the attitude that Brawly was giving him. It looks like once again, his impulsiveness is going to land him in a lot of trouble. As for Brawly, I do believe that he was acting in the best interest of the others at the beach. Even if Atlas wasn't the real culprit, he looks similar enough to justify at least removing him from the beach until it can be determined whether he was the guilty party or not. And I attribute his rudeness and impulsiveness to his fear that Atlas could start another rampage, potentially injuring many beachgoers.

    So yeah, there's my reason why I think Jeff was in the wrong and Brawly was in the right. Again, that's only my opinion, and the reasoning behind it

    With that said:
    The very fact that I went into an in-depth analysis of the evidence and guilt or innocence of Atlas means you wrote one HELL of a chapter. The appearance of Kevin and the still-mysterious Rachel was a surprise (at least it wasn't Alan, or there would have been TWO fistfights this chapter) and the fact that Kevin's starter was an all too familiar Scyther from before in Jeff's life was stunning as well.

    I know that Kevin had no idea of Biltz and Jeff having a previous encounter, but the constant "I'll show you later" bit kinda led up to the big revealing- and Jeff running for his life.

    And then there's the whole Atlas incident, which I went through in so much excruciating detail that I don't feel like doing it again- I will say it was well thought out and prompted some very nice discussion.

    Description was handled very well, but it's the plot twists that really sold this chapter. Well, that and the fact I was able to use my years of watching crime shows in a fic review
    I really wasn't expecting this much (if any) conversation on Atlas' guilt/innocence. So yay, the chapter started a discussion. I agree that it is too early to jump to conclusions on the matter (although it is fun to ). I dont want to reply to either the prosecutor or the defendent because I'm afraid that my state on neutrality might waver and I may accidentally slip some spoilers in.

    Yay, conflicting arguments! I'm happy someone is looking at the ordeal from Brawly's point of view- makes things more controversial and stuff
    In the voice of the neutral party: Brawly was protecting the town and Jeff was protecting his pokemon, although Jeff probably let his emotions steer his actions too much. I suppose the same could be said for Brawly, though.

    Thanks, we really didn't (or at least I didn't) plan for all the stuff in this chapter, so I'm happy it turned out well.

    I have a feeling that Kevin remembered that Jeff was attacked by a Scyther way back when (he must have known the story behind the scar on his arm) so thats why he was building it up so that Jeff would pretty much p*ss himself. The fact that it was the same one was the icing on the cake (although he wasn't aware). I'm not sure, though (I should know this stuff, right?)

    Thanks again for the great review, I was abit afraid that the Scyther thing was too much, so I'm happy it wasn't.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Griff4815, Your honor, the defense is ready... LOL:

    Arguments in Brawly's favour:

    1. He's the gym leader and the safety of his town is his responsibility.

    2. Jeff's attack solidifies Atlas's guilt in a manner of speaking.

    3. The prosecution has a point as to the gentlest people being capable of committing the most heinous crimes.

    Arguments in Atlas's favour:

    1. Atlas has shown no signs of aggression since leaving Dewford.

    2. The prosecution (DarkPersian 479) has stated that Atlas confessed, albeit the reason given for the rampage have not yet been examined.

    3. The scar, which could have triggered the rampage has had its origins unexplored. This should be looked into if the Onix is solely responsible for its actions. If the defendant, Atlas, were responsible for his actions on dewford, i.e. it was an act of unprovoked aggression, would not a similar scenario have occured in Littleroot and possibly Petalburg?

    Whilst the scales tip heavily against myclient (so LOL) I feel this trial should undergo further investigation pending these numerous questions left unanswered.

    the Defense rests.

    Hey, don't look at me... DarkPersian and Phoenix Wright started it...

    L@er!
    All very good points.

    The pokemon center in Petalburg was also destroyed by an Onix I might add.

    *swings hammer* I'd like to call for a recess! The defendant (Atlas) will remain in the captivity of the police of Dewford until further notice (perhaps sometime next chapter, who knows?)

    Cheers, the Honorable Judge Griff4815.


    -------------------------------------------
    --------------------------------------------
    ---------------------------------------------
    --------------------------------------------
    -------------------------------------------

    I'm kind of bored so I'm going to post my pokemon character's personalities in a nutshell, I hope that's okay.

    PS, this is in no way organized. I'm just rambling as I think. And all of this is based on what we've seen so far. No looks into the future.

    I’ll update with the human’s personalities later, but I’m about to order a pizza .


    Jeff's Team:

    Treecko/Treeck/T-Cko (the latter are both nicknames which he generally dislikes): How can I describe this without writing pages? Extremely stubborn and independent. Has rebel and loner tendencies. He's not claustrophobic as much as he is afraid of being put into dependent situations. HATES the idea of being weak and/or dependent. A bit sassy and cocky. A bit of a perfectionist. Cool, calm, collected, smug, and confident. Hates losing. Extremely proud/has a huge pride. Can be a good strategist. Condescending. Likes the occasional bit of attention. Tends to hold a grudge. Loves to battle. Rather selfish and detached. As much as he doesn't like to show it, he does care about Jeff. Isn't a fan of jokes, despite being best friends with Corphish. Doesn't give up and gives 110% Doesn't like to be told what to do. Has a shrouded past. He has some trouble using Bullet Seed. I could go on, but I'll spare you.

    Corphish/Corppy/Corp (He doesn't mind these nicknames): Quirky to say the least. He is the resident wisecracker. Always loves a good laugh as well as a good battle. Extremely sarcastic. Very knowledgable in TV pop-culture due to stealing a TV from the Oldale pokemon center and putting it near his home (in turn, bribing a Magnemite to set up cable signals). He is best friends with Treecko although they are very often at odds or are fighting. He never turns down a battle. He also loves food and hates change.

    Daedalus/Dae/Featherhead: When in his flock of Taillows, he was thrust into the position of being a leader. He doesn't want to be a leader but is forced to. He feels as if everyone is his responsibility but is still insecure about the idea of being a leader, which occasionally leads to some bad decisions. Doesn't know what to do when someone doesn't follow his command, which puts some aminosity (spelling?) between him and Treecko. Hates letting others down. He is a good strategist. Is prejudice towards humans and hates the very concept of pokemon battles. He fights only to protect his flock and deems all other reasons ridiculous. Also flirts with most all female flying type pokemon.

    Atlas: The Onix is still rather a mystery. He appears gentle, pacifistic and affectionate, but has been accused for the destruction of buildings in Dewford. During a strife between Jeff and Brawly, he admits to the destruction, but his true verdict is still debatable. Atlas really wanted to get to Dewford for reasons currently unknown. He seems unwilling to talk about how he attained the scar running up his face/eye.


    Keanu’s/ Jeff’s Family’s Team:

    Hitmonlee: Has the alpha male personality. Is quite bold and arrogant. Is jealous of and hates Treecko and his condescending personality. He is a bit violent. Despite this, he cares deeply for Jeff and wants whats best for him. He is in love with Bayleef.

    Bayleef: Is a gentle pokemon. She fell in love with Treecko, who is unaware of her affection. Ironically, Bayleef is unaware of Hitmonlee’s affections towards her, so she treats him more like a friend.

    Sawyer: This Treecko is Jeff’s brother’s starter pokemon. All that’s really known about him is that he is admired by Jeff and is one of the main reasons he wanted a Treecko for a starter so much.


    Kristie's Team:

    Torchic: A rather sassy pokemon who was her starter. He and Treecko apparently had a few fights when in Birch's lab. More will be revealed later.

    Marill:No personality known. Was caught on route 102 when Jeff caught Corphish.


    Alan's Team:

    Mudkip: Torchic's sidekick, of sorts. Also didn't like Treecko much. Enthusiastic. More to be revealed later.

    Dustox: No personality known so far.


    Kevin's Team:

    Blitz: Much like any Scyther, Blitz initially went into a rage upon seeing the particular shade of red that Jeff wore. Feels some regret over attacking Jeff. More is planned but is not fleshed out yet. Quite proud.

    Ace: The Squirtle is quite cowardly, especially around new people. He's quite humble and soft-spoken (although he doesn't really speak at all). Takes Kevin's somewhat harsh jokes as insults.


    Rachel's Team:

    Avis: This Pidgey has not had enough screentime for me to flesh her out yet.

    Strix: This Zubat is in the same situation as Avis.


    Sam's Team:

    Keith: A Treecko chosen by Sam for his starter. Light-hearted.


    Chad's Team:

    Deyja: This Sandshrew is the only known pokemon in Chad's possession. It does not hold back in battle and will follow his orders without question.


    Blane's team:

    Piplup: This pokemon obviously cares about his trainer and tries with all of his might in battle not to let him down. There is a point where he will eventually give up, however. Needless to say he feels guilty when he does.


    Other Pokemon (wild):

    Daggerback: The totalitarian Nidoking who protects his land zealously with traps. After Treecko and Corphish free themselves from this capture and wound him, he comes after them in revenge. He also is inexplicably adament in finding out where two fossils that he stole from Rustboro went, after they went missing in the scuffle with Treecko and Corphish. He will turn tail and run when need be, however.

    Rishi: The Zigzagoon who appeared before in Jeff's life. He is cowardly, but he desperately wants to prove himself to Jeff after leaving him in dire situations. He feels guilty whenever he does let himself flee the event seeing as he does really want to help.

    Seviper: A pokemon who has apparently met Treecko before (though under hostile circumstances). He enjoys taunting his prey. His two front teeth are broken off. Was apparently beaten by Treecko off-screen and sent into a container ship to Kanto from the nearby city of Petalburg.

    Struthios: The new leader of Daedalus's flock. He seems like an upbeat joker, seemingly opposite to his friend, Daedalus.

    Ornithos: A member of Daedalus's flock.

    Gallus: A member of Daedalus's flock.

    (Unnamed Taillow): A member of Daedalus's flock.

    Geodude: Jeff collided with this rock pokemon when speeding out of control in Petalburg. He took it out of the rain in Mr. Briney's boat.

    Fearow: Treecko fought a Fearow who roosted on his tree. The Fearow beat Treecko and Jeff up badly, and in turn, rekindled their friendship. He pecked out a branch causing them to fall 2 stories before flying off.


    Other pokemon (trainer):

    Peeko: A Wingull belonging to Mr. Briney.

    Aaron: An Aron used by Roxanne against Jeff. It won against Corphish.

    Slate: A Geodude used by Roxanne against Jeff. It lost against Treecko.

    Taillow #1: Used by a young trainer against Jeff, Treecko, and Corphish in a double battle.

    Lotad #1: Used by another young trainer against Jeff, Treecko, and Corphish in a double battle. It lost horribly.

    Pokemon seen in Pokemon center: Scyther, Mudkip, numerous Chanseys, Sandshrew, Rattata, etc.

    Machoke: A construction worker who was working on the Petalburg gym when Jeff was talking to him.

    Torchic and Mudkip: The two backup starters that Professor Birch had in his possession when trying to dissuade Jeff from choosing Treecko for his own sake. Both were very eager to be picked.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 14th January 2008 at 11:07 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  17. #192
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    You do believe in doing justice to your fiction title, don't you? One calamity after the other!

    I noticed that you occasionally write your sentences in a somewhat twisted flow. You first note Jeff's reactions and then actually detail the action which caused the... reaction. Something like this is, of course, crucial to the character-oriented style you have, but all the same the way you present it is a bit vague and convoluted, and usnuited for some of your action-y scenes. Things like:

    He wasn’t able to go any further, however, as he felt his arms being grabbed once again and placed behind his back. Chills crept up his arm as he felt the cold metal of handcuffs callously placed upon his wrists, and then he was hoisted up by one of the officers from the sand.
    In both sentences, you state the effect of some happening before you define the happening itself, and this takes away the sharp, lucid edge which a tense scene like this would be entitled to. "He felt the cold metal of handcuffs, and chills crept up his arm," I'm fairly certain, sounds more adrenaline-enhanced than the alternative, no? since in such a situation the focus on reality would be acute.

    Anyway, this is quite the situation we have here. I feel, in a stubborn (I hate to say the word) hunch, that Atlas is indeed guilty of the crimes. However, as he says, he had to, though he certainly did not want to. The pain necessitated it. Perhaps an overreaching trainer or abusive citizen attacked him, to the point that instinct kicked in and history ensued. There is zero foreshadowing towards anything else, in any case, though I see you have a trend of leaving cliffhangers with insufficient evidence to resolve them beforehand.

    Well, the lack of content in this here review actually means that I liked this chapter quite a lot. I simply couldn't find a way to define the good times of it.
    Last edited by Praxiteles; 17th January 2008 at 7:10 PM. Reason: I wrote 'cause' instead of 'effect'. :/

  18. #193
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    Quote Originally Posted by .:Pyroken Serafoculus:. View Post
    You do believe in doing justice to your fiction title, don't you? One calamity after the other!

    I noticed that you occasionally write your sentences in a somewhat twisted flow. You first note Jeff's reactions and then actually detail the action which caused the... reaction. Something like this is, of course, crucial to the character-oriented style you have, but all the same the way you present it is a bit vague and convoluted, and usnuited for some of your action-y scenes. Things like:



    In both sentences, you state the effect of some happening before you define the happening itself, and this takes away the sharp, lucid edge which a tense scene like this would be entitled to. "He felt the cold metal of handcuffs, and chills crept up his arm," I'm fairly certain, sounds more adrenaline-enhanced than the alternative, no? since in such a situation the focus on reality would be acute.

    Anyway, this is quite the situation we have here. I feel, in a stubborn (I hate to say the word) hunch, that Atlas is indeed guilty of the crimes. However, as he says, he had to, though he certainly did not want to. The pain necessitated it. Perhaps an overreaching trainer or abusive citizen attacked him, to the point that instinct kicked in and history ensued. There is zero foreshadowing towards anything else, in any case, though I see you have a trend of leaving cliffhangers with insufficient evidence to resolve them beforehand.

    Well, the lack of content in this here review actually means that I liked this chapter quite a lot. I simply couldn't find a way to define the good times of it.
    Actually, I like the cruel irony of the title.

    I appreciate the advice, I'll be sure to take it into account when writing,

    My lips are still sealed in the matter or his innocence or guilt. If, by the "no foreshadowing", you mean kind of 'acting before thinking' then I admit, yes, me and my beta have a tendancy to do such. Although I am more than often satisfied with the results that we do come up with.

    Well, it's good that you liked it! Thanks!
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  19. #194
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    (seeing as I officially have NO readers for my fic I better get started reviewing...A LOT....)

    There's only one word to describe this fic:
    Awesome!

    This is by far one of the best fics I've ever read! (Water Spirit's Fate and Destiny of Friends is a little better though. No offense!)

    I like the personalities of the characters. Corphish is by far my favorite with his sense of humor. Kinda reminds me of me a little! Treecko kinda reminds me of a touger version of Ash's when it used to be a Treecko.

    Don't tell anyone... *shifty eyes* At some parts of the fic I nearly cried...I can't believe it! Me! A Martial artist, crying?! just kidding. And some parts just left me in stitches. I can't wait for the next chapter!
    In pokemon R/B/Y, there was a graveyard called pokemon tower where dead pokemon were laid to rest. In G/S/C the spot that was known as pokemon tower is now a radio station. So basically, they were like, "Screw the graveyard, we're gonna destroy it and put a radio tower there instead! Nobody's gonna miss the pokemon anyway; they're dead, right?" that's just cruel...

  20. #195
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    Makuhita, dude, watch the Onix closely, and totally attack without hesitation if you think he shows even the littlest sign of harming anyone.
    Geez, Brawly. Great tactic. If it moves, nail it. So if I saw a Zigzagoon trotting happily to a picnic, I should proceed to kick it in the belly and shoot it in the little raccoon face.

    Once again, proof that Fighting gym leaders only need to be able to know a martial arts move in order to lead the charge to protecting their town, even if they have the intelligence of a PB&J.

    One eagerly awaits the next fic to come before one gets annoyed and starts bullying the local primary kids.


    I reject your Nyancats and replace it with my own.
    FB

  21. #196
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    I FINALLY rewrote Chapter 5...you know the incredibly long, error filled one?


    (seeing as I officially have NO readers for my fic I better get started reviewing...A LOT....)

    There's only one word to describe this fic:
    Awesome!
    Thanks, remind me to review yours after my exams.

    This is by far one of the best fics I've ever read! (Water Spirit's Fate and Destiny of Friends is a little better though. No offense!)
    None taken. I've never heard of those so I'll be sure to check them out.

    Treecko kinda reminds me of a touger version of Ash's when it used to be a Treecko.
    I think that might be going overboard because that's one of the greatest compliments I've gotten xP. Tougher than Ash's Treecko? Might be pushing it IMO xD

    Don't tell anyone... *shifty eyes* At some parts of the fic I nearly cried...I can't believe it! Me! A Martial artist, crying?! just kidding.
    Awesome, thats at least 11 people now xD.



    Geez, Brawly. Great tactic. If it moves, nail it. So if I saw a Zigzagoon trotting happily to a picnic, I should proceed to kick it in the belly and shoot it in the little raccoon face.

    Once again, proof that Fighting gym leaders only need to be able to know a martial arts move in order to lead the charge to protecting their town, even if they have the intelligence of a PB&J.

    One eagerly awaits the next fic to come before one gets annoyed and starts bullying the local primary kids.
    Before I wrote Rishi in, i would have encouraged you to do that, but not Zigzagoons have grown on me :P

    The next Chapter will hopefully be done by Monday. But feel free to bully the primary kids.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  22. #197
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    So it takes a week off school for me to actually get my behind into gear and re-read the chapter so I can review it.

    Picked out random grammar-y/flow-y things that caught my eye then got rid of all the grammar-y ones which had already been pointed out by others. You know, you should really edit in the grammar corrections. :/

    it reminded him of Daedalus, as it had a feather on it, and the fact he wasn’t so ecstatic with Treecko’s homecoming.
    This sentence is ordered weirdly, as it makes me think that Rachel's necklace has both a feather and the fact that Daedalus isn't happy about Treecko dangling off it. To fix, you should move the bit about the feather to before the reminding him of Daedalus bit. Picked this sentence out because subject confusion is something you do quite a lot.
    Shrugging, the two teenagers continued to ensue their short trip to the recovery room,
    And I picked this ^
    looking back at his unopened drink which was located on the sheets of the bed.
    and this ^ out because I noticed while re-reading this chapter that you have a strange tendency to over-complicate things with more technical words than are appropriate. These are just a couple of examples of where it seems like you're trying too hard to be sophisticated and it just doesn't really work. Relax a bit on the wording. This is a story, not an essay.
    who had just went by them.
    "had gone", not "had went".
    Instead, he simply watched Ace prod a salt shaker, who began to become more and more uncomfortable with the silence.
    More subject confusion here, as I'm led to believe that the salt shaker is the one becoming uncomfortable. Stuff needs to be re-ordered so that I know who you're really referring to; I can't even work out whether it's meant to be Jeff or Ace.

    Finally for the boring bits, I noticed that you used "outstretched" as a verb a few times, when it isn't one. "Stretched out" would work instead, but "outstretched" is only an adjective and nothing else.

    So, my opinion on the whole Atlas thing (several weeks later than everyone else's, but what the heck). I think that Atlas had some sort of disagreement within his community of Onix who presumably live in Granite Cave - I think I remember him saying something about being banished from his group back near Petalburg - and so they hurt him, gave him his scar, and in his pain and anger he went into an uncontrollable rampage. I also assume that he went into a similar rampage when the humans took him to the mainland, thus destroying the Petalburg PC.

    I don't think Jeff's actions were particularly legal, but I can understand why he'd attack a Gym Leader to defend his Pokémon, so what he did doesn't actually annoy me or anything, and it was in character so that's fine.

    It did bother me slightly how Brawly seemed to lose control while attacking Jeff. I can see him knocking the teenager to the ground in self defence, but going on to smash his face in? That seems a bit much for someone who is apparently a responsible person to do. I do understand Brawly wanting to contain Atlas, though, as his hometown was partially smashed up and that's understandably going to have made him angry about it.

    I've already mentioned briefly on MSN about how I found the earlier scenes a little dragged and boring, then about how it got better once Blitz was released as the tension and fear were great. Saying it again here just in case you'd forgotten or something.

    One last thing which made me chuckle.

    before staring at the ceiling.
    Nothing like a good stare at the ceiling to help sort a stubborn Pokémon's conflicted mind, eh? xD

    And now you've left me with a long list of expectations that I'm hoping to see next chapter:

    I want Atlas' name cleared because he's such a nice gentle thing and he obviously didn't mean to do it. :3

    I want Jeff and Treecko back on proper speaking terms just because.

    I want Jeff to have that chat with Daedalus that I'd been hoping would be this chapter.

    I want to actually see enough of Rachel to get some idea of her personality.

    And I want lots of fresh jokes from Corphish as you neglected him in this chapter.

    There ya go. No pressure. =P
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  23. #198
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    Dec 2006
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    3,147

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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    So it takes a week off school for me to actually get my behind into gear and re-read the chapter so I can review it.

    Picked out random grammar-y/flow-y things that caught my eye then got rid of all the grammar-y ones which had already been pointed out by others. You know, you should really edit in the grammar corrections. :/


    This sentence is ordered weirdly, as it makes me think that Rachel's necklace has both a feather and the fact that Daedalus isn't happy about Treecko dangling off it. To fix, you should move the bit about the feather to before the reminding him of Daedalus bit. Picked this sentence out because subject confusion is something you do quite a lot.

    And I picked this ^

    and this ^ out because I noticed while re-reading this chapter that you have a strange tendency to over-complicate things with more technical words than are appropriate. These are just a couple of examples of where it seems like you're trying too hard to be sophisticated and it just doesn't really work. Relax a bit on the wording. This is a story, not an essay.

    "had gone", not "had went".

    More subject confusion here, as I'm led to believe that the salt shaker is the one becoming uncomfortable. Stuff needs to be re-ordered so that I know who you're really referring to; I can't even work out whether it's meant to be Jeff or Ace.

    Finally for the boring bits, I noticed that you used "outstretched" as a verb a few times, when it isn't one. "Stretched out" would work instead, but "outstretched" is only an adjective and nothing else.

    So, my opinion on the whole Atlas thing (several weeks later than everyone else's, but what the heck). I think that Atlas had some sort of disagreement within his community of Onix who presumably live in Granite Cave - I think I remember him saying something about being banished from his group back near Petalburg - and so they hurt him, gave him his scar, and in his pain and anger he went into an uncontrollable rampage. I also assume that he went into a similar rampage when the humans took him to the mainland, thus destroying the Petalburg PC.

    I don't think Jeff's actions were particularly legal, but I can understand why he'd attack a Gym Leader to defend his Pokémon, so what he did doesn't actually annoy me or anything, and it was in character so that's fine.

    It did bother me slightly how Brawly seemed to lose control while attacking Jeff. I can see him knocking the teenager to the ground in self defence, but going on to smash his face in? That seems a bit much for someone who is apparently a responsible person to do. I do understand Brawly wanting to contain Atlas, though, as his hometown was partially smashed up and that's understandably going to have made him angry about it.

    I've already mentioned briefly on MSN about how I found the earlier scenes a little dragged and boring, then about how it got better once Blitz was released as the tension and fear were great. Saying it again here just in case you'd forgotten or something.

    One last thing which made me chuckle.



    Nothing like a good stare at the ceiling to help sort a stubborn Pokémon's conflicted mind, eh? xD

    And now you've left me with a long list of expectations that I'm hoping to see next chapter:

    I want Atlas' name cleared because he's such a nice gentle thing and he obviously didn't mean to do it. :3

    I want Jeff and Treecko back on proper speaking terms just because.

    I want Jeff to have that chat with Daedalus that I'd been hoping would be this chapter.

    I want to actually see enough of Rachel to get some idea of her personality.

    And I want lots of fresh jokes from Corphish as you neglected him in this chapter.

    There ya go. No pressure. =P
    Firstly, to all! Sorry. I know that it's been over a month since the update. If I don't update in a week you can all create an angry mob and burn down my house.

    *implodes under pressure*

    In my defense, if you were a salt shaker being prodded by a giant Squrtle, you'd be a little uncomfortable!

    In all seriousness thanks for the review and the grammar/flow picks.

    I still won't say anything about Atlas, even though it has been a month. *crushed by Atlas*

    True, the beating was a bit over the line, but I guess he knew that simply kicking out Jeff's legs would be enough to subdue him and Brawly was pretty ****** at Jeff at that point.

    Nothing like a good stare at the ceiling to help sort a stubborn Pokémon's conflicted mind, eh? xD
    xDD I didn't even realize that. Too true, though, too true.

    I can only guarentee 2 of those expectations for sure, and I can strive for the other 2.

    Yes I know, I'm awful. I made Corphish cry due to lack of his screentime last chapter.



    And Ghost reviewer, I will finally review response your review with the next chapter!
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  24. #199
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    254

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    Hey Griff, I've been gone for a long time, dabbling with DP battles, but I think I'm gonna take up reading and writing fics again. I left off at chapter seven, so I've got alot of catching up to do, just wanted you to know an old reader was back,

    33
    33

  25. #200
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

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    Quote Originally Posted by blaziken33 View Post
    Hey Griff, I've been gone for a long time, dabbling with DP battles, but I think I'm gonna take up reading and writing fics again. I left off at chapter seven, so I've got alot of catching up to do, just wanted you to know an old reader was back,

    33
    Oh that's cool to hear. Glad to see you're back!

    On another note, I GREATLY apologize to all readers. It's been almost two months since the last update and it was kind of at a cliffhanger. But I PROMISE that I will have the chapter up in 1 and a half weeks at most. If I don't, you can all have free tickets to Corphish's comedy festival!

    Again, I apologize. xP
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

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