Page 13 of 15 FirstFirst ... 39101112131415 LastLast
Results 301 to 325 of 372

Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #301
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    127.0.0.1
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Just keep developing Jeff. As long as he continues to develop into his own person, he'll be fine. Even if he has the occasional similarity here and there with a character like Ash, he'll be fine as long as he has enough individuality to stand on... which he has already.

    It's not so much what you can do, it's what you're already doing, and need to keep doing.
    August 29, 2005 - Never Forget.

    Proud Linux User | Lost internet for a bit, now back again
    Black FC: 1807 9919 3615 | Pearl FC: 0731 7514 9965 | Platinum FC: 2793 6651 0222
        Spoiler:- I Can Breed These:

        Spoiler:- I'm Looking For These:


  2. #302
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    127.0.0.1
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Just keep developing Jeff. As long as he continues to develop into his own person, he'll be fine. Even if he has the occasional similarity here and there with a character like Ash, he'll be fine as long as he has enough individuality to stand on... which he has already.

    It's not so much what you can do, it's what you're already doing, and need to keep doing.
    August 29, 2005 - Never Forget.

    Proud Linux User | Lost internet for a bit, now back again
    Black FC: 1807 9919 3615 | Pearl FC: 0731 7514 9965 | Platinum FC: 2793 6651 0222
        Spoiler:- I Can Breed These:

        Spoiler:- I'm Looking For These:


  3. #303
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eastern PA, USA
    Posts
    776

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Last Disaster View Post
    The only things really keeping me from saying "After reading this story, my life is complete," are the typos and such that keep sneaking in there. It's gotten better lately, though - your beta really helps that out.
    You forget that even if the author has the best beta in the world, there will still be mistakes in the piece. That's why there are people like myself, who go around with our microscopic sights & find any & all mistakes that are inside their pieces. Nobody can write perfectly; if they did, we wouldn't even exist.

    You've read the entire thing, so I'm sure that you've seen the huge list of things that I've found in this piece, hmm??

  4. #304
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    127.0.0.1
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Brumrha View Post
    You've read the entire thing, so I'm sure that you've seen the huge list of things that I've found in this piece, hmm??
    Yes, that's why I don't take apart the grammar and such, because there's people like you who do way better at it than me. :P
    August 29, 2005 - Never Forget.

    Proud Linux User | Lost internet for a bit, now back again
    Black FC: 1807 9919 3615 | Pearl FC: 0731 7514 9965 | Platinum FC: 2793 6651 0222
        Spoiler:- I Can Breed These:

        Spoiler:- I'm Looking For These:


  5. #305
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Last Disaster View Post
    Just keep developing Jeff. As long as he continues to develop into his own person, he'll be fine. Even if he has the occasional similarity here and there with a character like Ash, he'll be fine as long as he has enough individuality to stand on... which he has already.

    It's not so much what you can do, it's what you're already doing, and need to keep doing.
    Oh, okay then. thanks for the input.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  6. #306
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    There's a good reason why the chapter isn't posted yet! My computer which had the file on it broke, so I'm fighting tooth and claw to save it because I don't want to rewrite the whole thing.

    Hopefully this'll be resolved soon. Sorry for the wait.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  7. #307
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    First of all, sorry for a few things.

    Firstly (okay, I guess this is secondly), sorry for how long this took. My laptop broke down last month and it had my document on it and I was so far along in it that I refused to rewrite it.

    Secondly/Thirdly, sorry for how long this chapter is. I was writing it and it slowly grew to this Onix of a chapter. It's the longest NITWOMP chapter to date at 30-some pages.

    Anyways, enjoy and I hope you eyes don't melt out of yer skulls while reading.

    Lost and Found



    Mountains flanked the group from both sides while they left bright, energetic Mauville City behind them. They walked in the center of a relatively narrow, grassy valley which was caused by glaciation in the far past. This was evident because of the ‘U-shape’ the valley was carved like. The mountains weren’t overly large, but they were definitely impassible for most creatures. The afternoon sun was already blocked by their presence, so the valley was in shadows except for the tips of the uppermost cliff faces on the right.

    The shade and the wind tunnel that the valley created were very relaxing to the travellers after that hot, muggy day. Kevin marched forwards leading most of the troupe. Alongside him scuttled Corphish and on his opposite side flew Strix, who was struggling to maintain his slow and steady speed. Behind them were Rachel and Blane, who were talking to each other alongside of Avis and Piplup. Blane was recounting his tale of his travels up to the point they met. Jeff straggled behind everyone else, partially because of the electricity and partially because he was navel-gazing about Hitmonlee and Treecko. The wood gecko was several dozen metres ahead of Kevin and Corphish- always alert for potential trouble ahead. He and Jeff hadn’t exchanged any words since the battle had ended and the teenager couldn’t help but wonder why. Jeff decided to walk up beside Rachel and Blane.

    “Nice job with the battle, Jeff,” Rachel said, smiling. “I wouldn’t have been able to do that.”

    “What was with Treecko’s Bullet Seed, though? It didn’t look like it worked,” Blane remarked.

    Jeff wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. “…Uhh… He just has trouble with it, I guess.”

    Blane pensingly put his fingers to his chin. “Have you two tried training?”

    “Yes, we’ve tried training!” Jeff defensively retorted. After he realized that he replied somewhat harshly, he cleared his throat. “Umm… Ever since he learned the attack, it’s just been hard to control.”

    Blane glanced down at his own pokedex. “Well… it’s not something that Treeckos learn naturally, so maybe that’s it. It’s no wonder it requires a load of training to work properly.”

    Jeff looked ahead at Treecko, who was attentively scouting ahead. “Hmm… maybe that’s why he’s acting this way… Maybe…” he thought. “I just don’t understand anything about him…

    Rachel glanced at Strix with worry, who was conversing with Kevin and Corphish. She looked back at Blane and Jeff. “I’m, uhh, sure you and Treecko will get the hang of it eventually,” she assured, half-heartedly.

    Blane and Piplup eyed Rachel curiously. “Hey, are you okay? You seem kind of… uneasy.”

    Avis adjusted her position on Rachel’s shoulder as her trainer turned her head to face Blane. “Oh… Umm, I’m fine. I just get a little worried when I’m not near Strix at all times. He can be really high maintenance and I don’t want him to get-”

    Rachel cut off as soon as she glanced back to Kevin and Corphish. Strix was nowhere to be seen. Her heart sunk and eyes widened.

    Avis muttered to herself and kneaded her forehead with her wing. “<Oh boy…>” The Pidgey flew off Rachel’s shoulder as her trainer went into a full run towards Kevin.

    Rachel stopped behind Kevin, pulled his shoulder and forcefully turned him around. “Where’s Strix?!”

    Kevin sheepishly glanced down at Corphish, who nervously looked back at him. “Uhh… he flew off?”

    There was a long, tense silence. After a brief moment of shock, Rachel swung her right palm and slapped Kevin across his cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me or try to stop him?!” she yelled.

    Everyone, with the exception of Treecko, looked on in flabbergastment with their jaws hanging slightly askew.

    Kevin was momentarily stunned. “…OW! What was that for?!” he snapped.

    “Uhh… Rache?” a bewildered Blane asked. Nobody could comprehend her sudden outburst and change in demeanor. None of them had seen her act so distraught before.

    “You don’t have to slap me to get my attention, you know!”

    The complaint and joke fell upon deaf ears; Rachel was too concerned with frantically looked around the sky and surrounding area for her pokemon. “Strix?! Strix?! Where are you?!” she called out with obvious desperation in her voice.

    A still shocked Blane and Jeff glanced at each other before running forwards to try to lend her some aid.

    “He couldn’t have gotten very far; we’re in a mountain valley pass, after all,” Jeff reassured.

    Rachel wasn’t any more calmed by it. “Ugh, this is all my fault! I should have been watching him closer!” she worriedly exclaimed. She quickly craned her head around every which way in an attempt to spot the missing Zubat.

    “Maybe he just had to use the bathroom,” Blane suggested, giving her an encouraging pat on the back.

    While flapping her wings to stay airborne, Avis shook her head. “<He would have gone out of his way to make that known to me,>” she said with an exasperated sigh following her words. The Pidgey landed on Rachel’s shoulder and rubbed the side of her face against Rachel’s, hoping to comfort her since she couldn’t verbally. “<We’ll find him…>”

    Jeff nodded. “Avis is right; right, Kevin?” he asked in forceful tone.

    Kevin, who was still nursing his bright red cheek, indignantly nodded. “Yeah, fine… I guess.”

    Blane nodded. “We’ll send some pokemon to go look for him. Jeff, you have two flying pokemon, don’t you?”

    Jeff’s mind immediately flashed to Daedalus and Drezdk. Despite Daedalus being angry with him, he imagined that the Taillow wouldn’t object to help look for a missing pokemon. Drezdk was the one that raised concerns in his mind- because first of all, he wasn’t sure if his wings were healed enough and second, Jeff was under the assumption that he had never left the general vicinity around his hive, so if he went off alone, he could easily get lost or worse.

    Jeff took out Daedalus’ pokeball and released the pokemon onto the ground. The Taillow appeared in the grass and glanced around. His brown eyes fixed on Jeff and glowered. “<So I guess this means you got your third badge?>”

    Jeff evaded the question like it was a pinless grenade. “Strix has gone missing. Could you help us find him… please?”

    Daedalus didn’t need to think twice about giving an affirmative nod. “<I’m doing this for him, not you… Just so you know,>” Daedalus said, with contempt towards the human clutching onto his words.

    Jeff could feel himself shrinking back as if he was Ace, except he was without the shell that he desired at that point.

    “What about that Beedrill?” Blane asked curiously. “Two heads are better than one.”

    “Don’t you have any flying pokemon?” Jeff retorted, deflecting to Blane the attitude that Daedalus was sending towards him.

    “Well… yeah, but Nurse Joy said that he shouldn’t move around, if possible. He was hurt pretty bad,” he replied.

    “Great training there…” scoffed Jeff, who was now in a foul mood.

    “It wasn’t my fault!” Blane retorted, also becoming angry.

    “Guys!” Rachel yelled. “Please! Now’s not the time.” Immediately after saying that, she turned to Kevin. “Which way did he go?!”

    Kevin stalled and glanced towards the forest ahead of them which was on the base of the cliff on the right side of the valley. He sighed. “The forest… Here’s what we’re gonna do. Jeff goes with his Beedrill and Treecko, Daedalus goes with Avis, and I’ll go with Blitz. Everyone else stays here in case he comes back. Does that sound good to everyone?”

    The majority of the group nodded in agreement.

    Daedalus hopped over to Avis, outstretched his blue wing, and placed it on Avis’ side (as was the Taillow custom). “<I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself. My name is Daedalus,>” he said with a smile.

    Avis inwardly chuckled, but replied, “<I’m Avis. It’s nice to meet you, Daedalus.>”

    “<You can call me Dae.>”

    The Taillow immediately felt a looming presence behind him. He turned his head slightly and saw… Corphish.

    The water type had his arms crossed and looked at him sternly. “<Aren’t you breaking your marriage vows to ‘your’ precious Peeko, birdbrain?>”

    Daedalus gave him a half confused, half annoyed look. “<First of all, what are marriage vows? Second of all, shut up, Corp.>”

    Jeff sighed and walked towards Treecko, who was standing with an exasperated expression that said ‘Remind me again why I’m travelling with these people?’

    “Okay, Treecko. Are you coming?” Jeff asked with a smile.

    The silent grass type merely blinked and walked past Jeff. He sat by himself near the edge of where the ones who were remaining were. The teen eyed Treecko, who was glancing up at the clouds while leaning against his tails. The thing that Jeff wasn’t surprised at was the fact he couldn’t understand why Treecko was doing the things that he did. He merely sighed and began to walk towards the forest alongside Kevin and the two avian pokemon.

    “Trouble with your Treecko?” a grinning Kevin asked.

    “He’s not my Treecko…” Jeff replied, particularly before Daedalus could comment on Kevin’s choice of words.

    “Okay, then… ‘Trouble with that Treecko?’” Kevin’s grin grew wider.

    “None of your business,” Jeff annoyedly responded, panning his eyes across the cliff face that flanked their right and that of the forest.

    “C’mon! I’m your best friend!” Kevin continued, hoping to soften him up.

    The teen scoffed. “You bet against me in my last gym battle.”

    Kevin sheepishly grinned and rubbed the back of his head. “About that… Can I borrow forty bucks?”

    Jeff ignored him and huffily kept walking.

    “Come on! You and I both know that you’re far from being as good a trainer as me, so I’m gonna be the one to give you advice and stuff!” he said.

    Daedalus and Avis, who were overhearing the conversation, gave each other an apprehensive look. Jeff’s head spun around to glare at Kevin. “Oh yeah! You’re a great trainer. You have a Squirtle who’s afraid of his own shadow and a murderous Scyther who’s been hiding in his pokeball since this morning!”

    Kevin clenched his fists and shouted, “HEY! Back off, pal! That’s over the line! You wanna play like that?!”

    Without allowing Kevin to continue speaking, Avis and Daedalus flew in between the two’s faces, blocking them. “<Let’s focus on finding Strix,>” insisted Avis.

    Daedalus slightly nodded and looked ahead at the border of the forest that they approached. The woodland wasn’t particularly dense, but it seemed to go along the cliffside for a ways up the route. “<Now’s a good time to split up, anyways,>” Daedalus agreed, glancing at Avis and giving a nod for her to follow him. Kevin and Jeff didn’t give so much as a look at each other before going in different directions. While taking out Blitz’s pokeball, Kevin walked forwards, going parallel to the cliffside which was about a kilometre to his right. Jeff on the other hand started walking at a diagonal angle from Kevin, going into the forest slightly towards where the cliff below the mountains was.

    Jeff stepped over a couple of roots and plants while taking out a pokeball from his belt. He pointed it at a portion of ground uncluttered by flora and tapped the center lock with his index finger. His eyes narrowed as a result of the white flare that burst from the pokeball upon releasing the pokemon. From the light emerged Drezdk, who warily inspected his surroundings. The last thing that he focused on was Jeff.

    “<Oh… Hello… uhh… Jezz?>” he sheepishly asked, embarrassed that he couldn’t remember his name.

    Brushing it off, the human warmly replied, “‘Jeff’… How are you, Drez…dek?” He made a conscious effort to try and pronounce the Beedrill’s name correctly, but ultimately he failed.

    “<I am… okay…>” he said, rather unconvincingly.

    Jeff felt guilty, especially since Drezdk had been through so much. “I’m really sorry I didn’t let you out sooner. I was so focused on getting that badge that I completely forgot. Sorry.”

    Drezdk shook his head. “<Do not feel guilty about it. I needed that time to myself. What do you mean by ‘getting that badge’?>” the Beedrill asked, standing on his two black legs and using his main stinger to keep his equilibrium.

    Jeff stalled, wondering how to describe it. “Well… humans and pokemon work together in a fight. Traditionally, humans come up with the strategy and the pokemon, who the human relays the strategy to, fights against another pokemon. Humans and pokemon do it all the time all over the world, and badges are basically the things that signify how a human and the pokemon are doing.”

    Fear immediately struck into Drezdk’s heart. “<Y-you mean fighting? You mean I am supposed to fight another pokemon to the death?!>” the Beedrill fearfully sputtered.

    “No, no!” Jeff hastily assured him. “No, of course not! It’s nothing like that. The pokemon just battles until they feel that they can’t continue, and if the human thinks that it would be too dangerous for the pokemon to continue, but if the pokemon is too stubborn to admit defeat…” His voice trailed off as an image of Treecko immediately jumped into Jeff’s mind. “Well, then the human can recall the pokemon. And of course the pokemon doesn’t have to battle if they don’t want to.”

    A wave of relief swept over Drezdk. “<You are telling the truth, correct?>”

    Jeff replied almost instantly, “Of course! I would never lie about that!”

    Drezdk was still a bit unsure, so he outstretched his right arm and bent it so that his forestinger was pointed upwards. “<If you are promising this, then confirm it.>”

    Jeff was very apprehensive. “H-how? And don’t you trust me?”

    “<Do not take it personally, please… It is just that I had put my faith in my hive… and after what they did…>” He trailed off. “<Please, confirm it by locking your right forestinger with mine while they are pointed vertically,>” he explained, keeping the stinger in question in the same place.

    “If only I had a ‘forestinger’…” Jeff said, examining his arm.

    “<…Right. Just use whatever you call that, then.>”

    Jeff nodded and raised his arm vertically to lock it with Drezdk’s. “So what is this? Some sort of Beedrillian gesture of promising? It’s just kind of like an upside down handshake- not as strange or as painful as I thought it might be,” Jeff mused.

    Drezdk nodded. “<Z’yup! Traditionally, I could kill you if you ever broke the promise…>” The Beedrill watched as Jeff’s face seemed to freeze, and he had to suppress a small chuckle. “<…But my killing days are over.>”

    Jeff relaxed for the most part, but he couldn’t get over that last statement. He was afraid to ask but his curiousity took over. “You mean you-…”

    The Beedrill cringed and turned his head so that he looked off to the side at a tree trunk, averting Jeff’s gaze. “<I… did not have a choice. I couldn’t help myself… I-…>” Drezdk now wanted anything but to cease staring at that one slab of bark on the tree trunk. He much preferred going over every crack in the wood a million times to looking up at what he imagined was Jeff’s disappointed, accusing face, even for one second. Drezdk shakily sighed. “<I do not blame you for thinking me a monster. It’s one of the many negative things I could aptly be called.>”

    Drezdk was stunned by the reaction he received- it was nothing that he had ever expected. He felt Jeff’s hand placed consolingly on his back above the wings. The bug type was expecting to be chastised, thought of as some horrible creature, or even physically beaten. He was constantly told in his hive how humans never understand the Beedrill’s way of life and how the humans thought them as bloodthirsty monsters. Drezdk could never get over the prospect of that stereotype- and after awhile, he even began to start to believe it. He felt very alienated prior to that moment. Drezdk couldn’t believe that Jeff wasn’t rebuking him in some way. The Beedrill immediately looked at Jeff in confusion.

    Trying strenuously to muster up his best speaking ability and a flexible tongue, Jeff tried to the very best of his ability to get his name right. “…Drezd-k… You’re the farthest thing from a monster. In fact, you seem like one of the kindest, most decent individuals that I’ve ever met.” He gave a genuine, comforting smile and a pat on the Beedrill’s shoulder before retracting his hand.

    Drezdk, who was still feeling quite vulnerable, stared blankly at Jeff. Despite the fact that he had killed others before, Jeff still thought he seemed kind- no- the kindest person he had ever met? How could that be? Drezdk wondered. This human was nothing like the ones that he was told about by his swarm. If this human was smart enough to know that Drezdk wasn’t truly an aggressive killer, than how could Drezdk himself have been so blind to believe that all humans were as unforgiving as the members of his hive said? “<He… doesn’t think me a monster? …And he says that I might be one of the kindest people he’s met? He believes in me and is actually trying to make me feel better?! He even went out of his way to try to get my name right… and he almost did too… I can’t believe it…>” Drezdk was at a loss for words for a few moments. The slow realization and comprehension of Jeff’s words slowly began to form a mixture of appreciation, gratitude, and guilt- but most of all, an overwhelming sense of pure relief.

    Drezdk stared long and hard up into Jeff’s eyes before his own lit up and he gave an uncontrolled chuckle of elation. “<Th-… Thank you!…>” Drezdk felt that Jeff deserved to understand how happy he had just made him. Since all that he could muster was those two words, he instinctly decided to resort to an action that a Beedrill would do in this situation to show his overpowering admiration. Drezdk stepped towards Jeff, wrapped his forestingers around him, and pulled him into a tight hug.

    Jeff was stunned for numerous reasons. Had he really had that much effect on the Beedrill? And… Drezdk, a Beedrill, was hugging him?! For a few moments, Jeff didn’t know what he should be feeling, but then it began very clear what he was to feel… the same things as Drezdk. After a few speechless seconds of incomprehension, Jeff decided the only thing that he ought to do was kneel down to Drezdk’s level and return the hug and all that it stood for. He slowly went down on his knees and placed his arms around the Beedrill, who he had just recently met.

    He could hear a humming. The dull, yet pleased hum was coming reflexively from Drezdk’s fluttering wings. He could feel the contented Beedrill emitting soft vibrations accompanying the humming. It was an automatic response of a Beedrill when feeling strong emotions of happiness. The feeling of the dull vibrations was a strangely relaxing sensation, Jeff had to admit.

    After several moments of the mutual hug, when it was really starting to sink in, a feeling hit him like a tidal wave- a torrent of warmth flooded through his body. Jeff was initially shocked at this sudden, strange feeling, but he quickly came to relish it. A feeling that, through all of his time of being a trainer, he hadn’t felt until now. It was the feeling that one of his pokemon actually cared about him. It was an undying warmth inside of him- Jeff imagined this must be what Charmanders feel like all the time. He felt that this one hug made all the disasters he had went through when trying to be a trainer, almost worth it. Almost…

    “Thank you…” he murmured.

    Drezdk released his amiable hold on Jeff and stepped backwards, also ceasing the movement of his wings. He glanced around the forest before looking back to the human. “<Where did all of the other pokemon and humans go?>”

    “Oh… Most are out searching for a Zubat. That’s why I’m out here. How are your wings, by the way?”

    “<They are healing… but I don’t wish to fly anytime soon… I hope that’s not a problem,>” Drezdk said uncomfortably, glancing back at his lucent wings.

    Jeff nodded. “I understand.”

    Feeling a bit guilty, the hornet pokemon suggested a different service. “<I’ve got excellent eyesight though… That’s why I was put in the team I was in, in the first place,” he said, eager to help out.

    The teen smiled. “So you don’t mind helping to look?”

    “<Z’yup! I would like to help.>”

    Jeff nodded. “Fantastic! Let’s start looking.”

    Drezdk obliged and walked along side him in search of the missing Strix.

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    Kevin trudged through the forest alongside the sizable Scyther, Blitz. The mantis hadn’t said a word the entire time after being released. Blitz’s wings hummed as he flew a couple feet above the mossy forest floor. Kevin glanced at him, not being entirely sure of what was going on with him.

    “So… You see Strix anywhere, Blitzy?” Kevin asked, hoping to to get some sort of verbal response from his friend.

    The Scyther merely shook his head and kept flying. Kevin sneered and walked alongside his friend. After a couple minutes of travelling in silence, he spoke up again. “…You’re acting like a big baby, you know that?”

    Blitz turned to Kevin with a questioning look on his face. “<…Excuse me?>”

    “Ever since you stormed into your pokeball for no reason, you haven’t said a word and you’ve been all sulky!”

    Blitz’s response was a volley of slightly hastened wing beats. Kevin sped up to match the Scyther’s speed. He forcefully placed his hand on the mantis’ shoulder and spun him around. “C’mon, Blitz! Tell me what’s up!”

    The bug pokemon glanced at Kevin, but his eyes quickly strayed away from him and off to the side. “<Do you promise to keep it a secret and not make fun of me for it?>”

    Kevin nodded. “I’m already doing that for your other secret, remember, pal?”

    Blitz grinned slightly and made eye contact with Kevin. “<Yes… Thank you… Erm, it is about your friend, ‘Jeff’, correct?>”

    The teen shifted uncomfortably. “Right… Him.” He was aware of how unusually mean Jeff had been to Blitz.

    “<You are aware of how I… almost killed him… correct?>” He awaited Kevin’s affirmation before continuing. “<Well… I wish to apologize sincerely and tell him what happened, but I am beginning to think that he will not listen to a single word that I have to say. I just want him to realize that I did not-…>” Blitz cut himself off with an aggravated growl. “<It is… frustrating.>”

    Kevin chuckled slightly. “Heh, it must be. I’ve never seen you complain so much.”

    Blitz shot an unsatisfied glare at his friend. “<I am not complaining…>” he said, placing stern emphasis carefully on each word.

    The teen grinned but submissively shrugged. “What happened this morning before you locked yourself in your pokeball?”

    The mantis grimaced, but was willing to answer Kevin’s question. “<Somebody mentioned a rain cloud and… I panicked. I turned around and almost accidentally hit your friend with my blade. I was ashamed and frustrated. I apologize, Kevin.>”

    Kevin looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “What are you apologizing to me for? I don’t care about Jeff.”

    Blitz’s eyes widened in surprise. “<Kevin, that sounded very mean.>”

    The human grinned a bit. “I bet my awesome voice made it sound pretty cool too,” he said, smirking. “Remember who you’re talking to here, pal?”

    The Scyther sighed. “<It does not hurt to be nice every once in awhile, you know.>”

    Kevin folded his arms and glanced about the forest, still making an effort to look around for Strix. “I don’t go out of my way to be mean; I just tell it like it is. If you ask Jeff, he understands that. …That is, if Jeff lets you ask him anything,” he said. Kevin turned and saw Blitz cringing and he realized that he hit a sore spot. “…Sorry.”

    Blitz shook his head. “<It’s okay, Kevin. I’m just happy that you have a bit of a heart in there,>” he responded, a small smile appearing out of the corner of his mouth.

    His friend chuckled. “Hah, it’s reserved only for my best pals and occasionally cute girls.”

    The Scyther glanced at him. “<You mean like Rachel? Is she ‘cute’?>” he asked.

    Kevin laughed. “Why? Do you have a crush on her?”

    Blitz blushed slightly, shuffled in his place and looked away from Kevin. “<By ‘crush’ you mean ‘romantic interest’? Please, Kevin, she’s a human. I hope I do not offend you, but I would prefer something more of my own species.>”

    “Hahah. That’s generally a good idea,” the teen replied. Kevin thought about it for a few seconds and then burst out laughing.

    Blitz eyed him in confusion. “<What is so amusing?>”

    Kevin was tittering like a hyena, but he managed to quickly stop. “Heh… Nothin’, Blitz, nothin’.”

    The Scyther stared at him, but looked away to search for any sign of Strix. “<Do you like her? Rachel?>”

    The teen grinned. “She likes me, but then again, who doesn’t?”

    Blitz sighed and shook his head. “<I can think of a few…>” He slowly flew around some trees; while doing this, he raised his scythe and looked at himself in the reflection of the blade. As he expected, Blitz saw the face of a collected but gloomy Scyther. He sighed and turned his head to see Kevin leering at him. He noticed that his friend’s trademark grin was gone. “<What is it, Kevin?>”

    Kevin shook his head. “Nothin’…”

    Blitz studied his face and eyes carefully. He knew that something was up. “<…You still think that I want to leave, don’t you?>”

    The teen didn’t answer him. He just continued tromping through the forest beside the bug pokemon.

    “<…Kevin… I…>” Blitz started to explain, but he cut himself off. The Scyther immediately stopped and sniffed the air. “<Something smells different…>”

    Kevin looked at him curiously, but his attention was quickly diverted to a thick piece of foliage in front of them. It seemed impenetrable without the use of a hacking tool. The reason Kevin was fixated on the bush, however, was because it was shaking violently. Blitz raised his shimmering blades in a defensive stance and glared towards the foliage.

    Suddenly, the plantlife stopped moving. Blitz didn’t like this one bit; he adjusted his positioning to be ready to cut anything that might jump out at them in two, in a wing beat. He looked back at Kevin. “<You should mo->”

    Before he could finish, a purple mist burst out from the bush and clouded over them. They didn’t have even a second to escape it. “<Close your eyes and cover your mouth! Quickly!>” Blitz shouted, squinting in an attempt to see without getting the powder in his eyes. Kevin quickly complied and the cloud started to descend upon the two. The purple powder began to settle on their hides. Then it reacted.

    “ARRCK! Damn it!” sputtered Kevin’s muffled voice from under his palms. “What is this stuff?! It burns!”

    The grimacing Blitz was also feeling the agonizing effects of the fine, violet particles that engulfed their bodies. While the pain he felt all over his body was intense and burning, he had to concentrate on what caused the haze. Blitz let out a strained snarl and looked over his shoulder to Kevin, who was writhing in agony where he stood. “<H-Hang in there… It is poison powder. Just keep doing what I said and- URRMPH!>”

    Blitz felt a large, blunt mass slam downwards onto his collar and side of his neck with such great force that he was instantly brought to his knees. The biting mist was still too thick; he couldn’t see what hit him or from what direction. He was in enough pain from the powder without having his exoskeleton almost shattered. Blitz had taken some blows in his life and that was a strong one.

    Kevin was trying desperately to shake off the falling powder, but to no avail. “BL-BLITZ?! Y-You okay?!” he border-line screamed.

    The Scyther grunted and attempted to damper his pained, heavy breaths. “<Per…fectly fine… J-Just do what I said until it all settles. Do you understa->”

    Blitz felt something strike hard into the side of his face, sending him toppling to his side on the forest floor. The throbbing in his face was a grim companion to the searing pain on the rest of his body. His vision was horribly impaired now that the poison powder has had a chance to enter his eyes. The Scyther knew that he would not be able to win this ambush, though he would still try with all of his might.

    Or so he thought.

    Before Blitz could even use his scythe to support himself, he felt a large vine wrap around his neck and yank him closer to the ground. He attempted a gasp for air, but realized there was little untainted air to be had. The mantis struggled to remove the vine, but it was difficult with the appendages that he wielded. He then felt himself being dragged over roots and through a bush. With his last ounce of strength, he called out to his friend. “<Hang in there… for one more minute, …Ke-…>” And then his consciousness slipped him.

    An agonized Kevin was walking around in circles aimlessly, calling out to his missing friend. “Blitz! Where are you?! What happened?! Say something!” Every inch of his body was burning, with the exception of his mouth and eyes. He couldn’t take it. Kevin removed his hands from his face and darted his eyes around feverishly. The poison powder had almost completely gone with the exception of a few wafts.

    He looked down at his bare arms and hands and they were coated with the purple substance, which still felt like it was melting him. He managed to ignore the blinding pain just long enough to look around the forest. Blitz was nowhere to be seen. Kevin wanted desperately to call out to him, but he virtually couldn’t ignore the pain any longer. He drilled his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a pokeball, fumbling with it in his hands before getting a decent grip on it. He threw it indescrimately into the forest. There wasn’t a split second wasted from the time he threw the pokeball to the instant after when he began ripping off his toxin-coated shirt. He ignored the bright light of the pokeball releasing its occupant and threw his shirt to the side before taking off his poison-laced shorts and stripping to just his boxers and shoes.

    A confused Squirtle emerged from the light and looked at Kevin, who he felt was acting very strangely. “…Squir?”

    Kevin’s head shot in the direction of the water pokemon. “A-Ace! Use water gun on me right now! Get this stuff off!” he plead in pain.

    Ace stepped back in fear and confusion. He had never seen Kevin this distraught and he was a bit fearful of what the human asked of him. “Sq-squirtle?” he whimpered.

    Kevin growled, but tried his best to keep his composure. “P-Please, Ace. You gotta do this. For me…” he said, a forced grin appearing on his face.

    The Squirtle stalled, but eventually nodded and stepped towards him. He took in a deep breath and released a very unimpressive torrent of water at Kevin. Kevin embraced the water and turned at every angle in an attempt to remove the poison. After becoming soaked, he backed out of the Water Gun and gave a nod to Ace before collapsing to his knees in a mixture of pain and exhaustion.

    Ace gave a deeply concerned gasp and ran over Kevin’s side. He looked at his arms and legs and they were bright red, similar to a bad sunburn. The drenched teen forced a second grin of reassurance. “Th-thanks, Ace. You really saved the day,” he said, giving the Squirtle a pat on the head, who was smiling with hope and pride from the praise. “Think you can wash my shirt and shorts too?”

    Ace nodded and began to water down the clothing on the ground. Kevin turned away from the water type and looked out into the forest. “Blitz…” he murmured. “…Damn it!” His fist pounded into the wet ground. Ace initially jumped back, but realized that something was very wrong. He hobbled over to Kevin and hugged him, even though he had no idea what had happened only five minutes ago.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Corphish sat atop a picnic blanket that Blane had rolled out for them. He sat beside Rachel, Blane, and Blane’s Piplup. As he munched on a slice of bread, Corphish had his eyes fixed on Treecko, who was sitting in the grass several meters away with his back to them. Piplup, also eating a slice of bread, sat down next to Corphish and glanced over to see what he was looking at.

    The penguin looked up at Corphish curiously. “<What’s up?>”

    “<Uhh… Thanks a lot! You made me lose count! I was counting how many of his scales were off-green,>” Corphish replied evasively.

    Piplup gave him a sceptical look, folding his flippers and tilting his head. “<Come on… I’m not an idiot.>”

    The crustacean sighed. “<Okay… I’m curious as to what’s up with him this time.>”

    “<Maybe he just likes sitting alone and staring off into the sky,>” the penguin suggested.

    “<He does, but I think there’s something else this time. He won the gym battle, so I don’t know what it is,>” Corphish responded.

    The Piplup shrugged. “<Why do you care, anyways?>”

    “<What d’ya mean, Happy Feet?>” Corphish asked, finding it fully necessary to tag on the nickname. “<He and I are the best of pals!>”

    Piplup stared blankly at him before rebutting. “<I haven’t seen you two say a word to each other.>”

    “<He’s kind of the strong, stubborn, rebellious, and silent type,>” Corphish said with a half grin.

    The blue water type shrugged. “<If you say so.>”

    Blane sat beside a very distraught Rachel, who was still carefully watching the treeline for a sign of the missing bat pokemon. Blane had his hand placed comfortingly on her shoulder. “Relax; he’ll be okay, Rache. He’s a big Zubat and I’m sure Strix can take care of himself… Besides, he’s got a whole search party going after him, too,” he tried to reassure.

    “I should be with Avis and the rest of them,” she moped.

    Blane ignored the last comment. “Why would Strix leave anyways?”

    “… Because of me,” Rachel whimpered. She got a confused gaze from Blane.

    “That’s ridiculous. Why would he leave because of you?”

    She sighed. “He thinks I’m boring and no fun. That’s why he’s always hanging around Kevin! And Kevin, Jeff and you can understand them, but I can’t. Why would he want to be my pokemon?”

    “Rachel, you’re being unreasonable. I don’t think that Strix thinks that at all. Besides, there’s plenty of reasons why he likes you!” Blane declared.

    “Oh yeah? Like what?” she asked, challengingly.

    Blane’s cheeks tinted pink slightly as he began to answer. “Well…”

    Rachel groaned, taking the pause in a negative light. “That’s it, I’m going to find Avis,” she said, standing up on the blanket and beginning to walk.

    “H-Hey!” Blane called out. “You didn’t even give me a chance to answer!” She ignored him and continued walking. “Wait a second! You can’t go into that forest without a pokemon! That’s the first thing everyone tells you!”

    “<It’s not like you listened, Blaney,>” Piplup murmured with a sly grin curling on the edges of his beak.

    Blane gave him a look until Rachel called back to him. “I do have a pokemon! I just need to find her!” she replied, tromping towards the valley forest.

    Corphish turned to Blane. “<You sure know how to bring out the best in females, don’t you?>”

    Piplup chuckled mockingly, prompting Blane to give them both a cold stare. “I hope she knows what she’s doing…”


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Jeff trekked alongside Drezdk, who, for the first time in a long time, had a smile on his face. Of course, Jeff couldn’t see the smile because of the height difference and the fact that Drezdk’s mouth was in the niche under his chin, which made it hard for anyone to see unless the Beedrill was staring straight upwards. Despite the fact he couldn’t see the smile, Jeff could sense it was there.

    They both looked around the canopy line and patches of sky that slipped through with hope of seeing the Zubat.

    “<Jeff? What does a Zubat look like?>” Drezdk asked, not having seen a ton of other pokemon when with his swarm.

    Jeff pulled out his pokedex, flicked it open, and pressed the buttons until he pulled up a Zubat’s profile. His finger tapped the picture and showed it to Drezdk, who nodded and didn’t bother to question what the strange piece of technology was.

    “<Oh, okay,>” he said, continuing to walk along.

    The teen smiled at how accepting Drezdk was, but the smirk quickly turned to confusion when he felt the dull edge of the Beedrill’s stinger against his torso.

    “<Stop,>” Drezdk warned, keeping Jeff still. “<I see something.>”

    The human stayed perfectly still and darted his eyes around. He saw absolutely nothing. “Are you sure?” The hornet nodded firmly in reply.

    Neither of them moved a muscle. Drezdk kept his eyes fixated on something. After several silent moments, Jeff heard leaves rustling in the forest, several metres away to their left. Whatever it was, it was getting closer.

    “Wow,” Jeff whispered. “You really do have great eyesight.”

    Drezdk was about to thank him, but he cut himself off when he saw a figure. “<I see two unknowns,>” he warned Jeff in a hushed voice. His brief time on his assault squad was coming back to him. “<I personally think that we shouldn’t enter combat.>”

    Jeff nodded and ducked behind a large bush with Drezdk. “Sounds like a good plan,” he agreed, remembering that Drezdk’s wings were still healing and that his only other pokemon with him, Atlas, couldn’t maneouvre well in this forest. They both stayed hidden. Luckily, whatever was moving was going parallel to them, not coming towards them.

    Jeff slowly readjusted a few leaves which obstructed his view on the bush in front of him. He flinched upon seeing the sun’s orange glint reflect off of something and into his eyes. Though the sharp reflection of light wasn’t the only reason that he flinched, it was what the light was reflecting off of that really sent chills down his spine.

    A scythe. A scythe similar to the one that had tried to slice him to ribbons a year prior. It was unmistakably a Scyther. But he noticed something odd about it- it was dragging on the forest floor. Jeff looked more carefully. The whole body was being dragged. He carefully looked at the unconscious Scytherian figure and noticed that a large brown vine with a leaf on the end of it was coiled around the chest, resting under the bug’s underarms and pulling it in short bursts before momentarily pausing. It was understandable since pulling a mantis of that stature can’t be an easy task.

    Jeff was unsure what to make of this. He glanced at the Scyther's face, and he saw that the pokemon was about to disappear behind the foliage after whatever the vine belonged to

    Drezdk was also carefully studying what he could from his concealment. He whispered to the human next to him, who was inspecting the scene, “<Jeff, I wasn’t able to catch a glimpse of the other one in time, but isn’t that pokemon who’s being dragged->”

    Upon a good look at his face, Jeff immediately identified the Scyther. There wasn’t any way he could forget it. His eyes widened and, not long after, he found himself on his feet yelling in shock. “Blitz?!”

    The unconscious bug suddenly ceased being pulled. Drezdk cringed at his companion’s foolhardy action. He suddenly felt like he was with his best friend Talvoc again, but in this case, that wasn’t a good thing. Jeff froze and looked in the direction of the large bush, behind which was the unknown assailant. Drezdk readied his twin forestingers and prepared for the worst.

    In seconds flat, a blue haze of microspores surged through the bush and was ingested into the two. The reaction was fast-acting. Both Jeff and Drezdk’s heads started to feel light-headed and loopy. They started to feel really heavy.

    “What the-…” Jeff attempted to utter, already nodding off where he stood.

    Drezdk’s crimson eyes were dulling in colour. “<Jeff… What’s happening… to me?>”

    Before he could get a fraction of an answer, the human was already falling to the ground, hitting his head on a nearby tree trunk as he dropped like a brick. Drezdk lazily turned his head. “<Je…eh… fffffzzzzz.>”

    The Beedrill trailed off both in speech and in mind. He fell to his knees before slowly toppling to his stomach, unconscious.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The Taillow and Pidgey pair flew at a steady pace. They alternated in altitude, occasionally switching back and forth between above and below the forest canopy line, in case Strix was flying at a different height than them.

    “<Why would he fly off suddenly?>” Daedalus asked his flying companion.

    Avis briefly glanced up at him. “<Oh, Strix? He probably got distracted by a Beautifly and decided to follow it. I swear most Growlithes have a higher attention span than he does.>”

    Daedalus grinned and pictured Corphish. “<Are you two friends? You and Strix?>”

    Avis stalled but nodded. “<I guess you could say that… but most of the time I feel like his older sibling.>”

    The Taillow chuckled a bit. “<I kinda know what you mean,>” he answered, assuming ‘sibling’ meant ‘guardian’ or something like that.

    Avis turned to face him again, after checking around for the Zubat again. “<I know you do… You have that leader quality about you…>”

    Daedalus froze in his place and stopped flying, only flapping his wings to keep himself airborne. Avis turned around and looked at him in confusion. He looked like he had just been kicked in the stomach.

    “<…Daedalus?>”

    The Taillow looked away from her. “<You’re wrong. I don’t have that ‘leader-quality’. Never say that again… please,>” he said, grimacing slightly.

    Avis stared at him for a moment, but nodded. “<Umm, okay. I’m sorry.>”

    Daedalus shook his head. “<…Why was that human of yours so worked up earlier?>”

    “<Hmm… You mean Rachel, right?>” she asked the dark blue swallow, who nodded. “<Oh… well… I can’t really tell you. It’s a secret.>”

    Daedalus nodded understandingly, but he was still curious. “<I swear on my honour as a Taillow that I won’t tell anybody.>”

    Avis glanced into Daedalus’ eyes. “<I can tell that you don’t take promises lightly, either.>”

    “<… You’re right,>” he replied, shocked that she could deduce that just by looking at him. “<How did you know?>”

    The brown Pidgey looked back forwards. “<I can just tell tell things about some people. Mostly I can’t, but when it’s somewhat obvious…>”

    Daedalus looked at Avis, intrigued by her and slightly embarrassed that that part of him was so transparent to her. “<Hmm… Does that mean you’ll tell me?>” he said with a sly, almost Kevin-like grin.

    Avis nodded, somewhat reluctantly. “<As long as you promise.>”

    Daedalus flapped vigorously with his left wing so that he could stay airborne while placing his right one across his chest to signify his promise. Avis chuckled, still scanning the area for Strix, and nodded again.

    “<Well, it happened a few years ago when she was babysitting her brother…>”

    The Taillow looked at Avis, flabbergasted. “<Sorry, but… ‘babysitting’? ‘Brother’?>”

    The brown bird frowned, trying to think of a way to say it so that Daedalus would understand. “<Umm… first, a brother would be like a male hatchmate.>” When the Daedalus nodded in understanding, Avis continued. “<And ‘babysitting’ is like how a more mature flock member would watch over the nestlings.>”

    The swallow nodded again and allowed her to continue. “<Well, anyways, she was watching her brother for the first time. She was mostly watching TV though and only half watching him when he fell down the stairs and broke his leg. She panicked and got all upset. Her brother was fine after he was taken to the hospital, but Rachel never really got over it. That’s why she’s so nervous about being responsible for Strix and I,>” Avis explained.

    Daedalus nodded in understanding. “<Do you like your human?>”

    Avis nodded. “<Of course- even though she can’t understand me. She tells me all sorts of stuff and I’m happy to listen, although I sort of wish that I could do the same with her sometimes.>”

    “<You can tell me stuff in the meanwhile…>” Daedalus offered with a warm smile.

    Avis stared at him and was about to respond, but something caught her eye. “<Is that… Kevin?>”

    Daedalus looked down to see Kevin sitting on the ground beside Ace, but he saw something out of the corner of his eye. Something was walking towards the two.

    “<Rachel?>” he asked himself out loud.

    Avis craned her head to see Rachel stomping towards the still half-naked Kevin. The two avian pokemon nodded at each other before flying into a nosedive to go check out what was going on.

    “You!” Rachel shouted, pointing at Kevin, who was sitting next to a surprised Squirtle. The teen looked, stood up, and turned to face her as she approached. “You say that you’re going to look for Strix, but instead I find you sitting around in your underwear doing…” The situation began to sink in. “What the hell are you doing?!”

    When she looked at him, she expected him to respond with a witty and suggestive innuendo, but instead she got something else. “… I’m waiting for my clothes to dry off…” he said plainly, glancing over to his shirt and pants.

    Rachel looked around and noticed that Ace was patting the back of Kevin’s leg and that Blitz wasn’t present. “Kevin… What’s going on?”

    Daedalus and Avis were now flapping in the air next to them. Kevin grimaced and looked at the ground. “Something attacked us… and it took Blitz.”

    “Kevin…” she said apologetically. Then she realized something. “What if it got Strix too?!” She swiped Avis out of midair and started hugging her. “Oh, Avis!” The Pidgey in question cringed momentarily before patting Rachel with her wing.

    Daedalus flew over to the tree branch where Kevin’s clothes were hanging and tossed them to him. “<Standing around here feeling sorry for yourselves isn’t going to rescue them,>” he said.

    Kevin’s trademark grin returned to his face. “The bird is right. We should go find them.” He turned to Rachel, clothes in hand. “Sorry, sweetheart; I know I have an awesome body, but I’m gonna have to get dressed now.”

    “<I have a name, thanks,>” muttered Daedalus in contempt.

    Rachel gave a fuming glare and walked past him. Kevin smirked, put on his garments, and scooped up Ace in his arms. “Don’t worry, Blitz; I’m comin’ for ya, pal,” he murmured to himself.

    Kevin took off after Rachel, with Daedalus and Avis leading the way.

    --------------------------------------------------
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  8. #308
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    (Continued)

    --------------------------------------------------

    Darkness… Darkness… Darkness…

    Sunlight.

    Its blinding rays pierce into my red eyes. I find myself staring back into the mystical, luminous orb that moves across the blue sky on a daily cycle. Every time that I see it, it soothes me, lulls me into a sense of peace. This time it doesn’t work for some reason. The familiar feeling of dread that’s pinching at my heart is too strong.

    All around me are eleven Beedrill, eagerly waiting outside a giant egg-shaped hive which is built around the trunk of a massive tree. I have no idea why I feel the way that I do right now. The fear is all too memorable.

    Suddenly, I feel a smooth, blunt-sided ivory stinger forcefully grapple my neck and pull me back.

    “Tal…” I manage to choke out, already knowing who the culprit was.

    The headlock stops and a familiar Beedrill flies around to my front and looks at me with a brilliant sense of enthusiasm that nobody will ever be able to duplicate. “The one and the only,” he replies, giving me a playful whack on the arm with his right forestinger.

    Talvoc. My best friend. We have been inseperable friends since literally before we can care to remember. When I look at him now, I feel a great sense of forboding, but I can’t place my stinger on why.

    “What’s going on?” I ask, looking around.

    “Wow, you’re slow-witted. It’s only the battle that’s been hyped up for the past hundred sun cycles!” he replies, his happy-go-lucky smile only growing wider. “Wake yourself up, Drez!” he tells me.

    Drez

    ‘Drez’ is the nickname that Talvoc, and Talvoc alone, calls me. I realize I’m very sentimental with this friendship, but it’s very important to me. I have a nagging feeling that I’ve done something horrible when somebody I loathed called me that.

    I close my eyes for a brief second.

    A flash goes through my mind. A chill crawls through my insides.

    I see myself in the forest, with my right stinger pointed downwards, impaling a fellow Beedrill’s head. Not even a hostile, but a Beedrill from my own hive! He has a green band on his stinger, indicating his rank and affiliation as one who kills anybody from my team who tries to retreat or surrender. I can’t take my eyes off of his emerald blood that stained the grass and my stinger.

    My eyes open and I look around with a start. My friend Tal looks at me with confusion. “What’s with you, Drezzy?”

    I cringe as I begin to reply. “Uhh… I… just imagined that I… killed someone.”

    He looks at me and smiles. “Oh? I’m not that surprised.”

    My crimson eyes scan him carefully. “Why do you say that?” I ask.

    “For one thing, we’re in the middle of a battle.” Just as he finishes, Tal turns sideways and plunges his stinger into a hostile Beedrill who was charging at him.

    As if they had been there all along, Beedrills, friend and foe, are flying around, skirmishing with each other. I see a few drop out of the air, but I don’t care to follow their chilling descension.

    Talvoc looks at me more seriously this time. “Come on, Drez… You have to fight… or else you’ll die.”

    My insides feel like they have just been given the weight of a boulder. I start trembling and the awareness of my mortality hit me like a stab to the chest. Looking up at Tal, his raising of his main stinger towards me catches my eye. Before I can react, I feel a looming presence coming up behind me.

    “DREZ! BEHIND YOU!” he yells as he fires off a very precise purple spear from his main stinger. The dart goes through my wing and straight into the head of an enemy behind me who was just about to slay me. The hostile drops and I turn around to face my friend.

    I stare at him.

    He stares at me.

    There’s a toxic dart in the dead center of his abdomen. A sense of revelation strikes into me like it had been me who was hit with it.

    This has happened before.

    “You were too late again, Drez,” he says, not taking his eyes off me. “But don’t give up yet…”

    I can’t reply. My eyes find his attacker far above and behind my friend. Without choice, my wings are already buzzing vigorously, bringing me closer and closer to the enemy Beedrill. He fires more poison pins at me. I dodge them and close in on the daunted shooter.

    Before he can react, I jam my stinger upwards into his skull, killing him instantly. I blink. Instead of the corpse of the hostile Beedrill in front of me, I’m now on the grass, holding Talvoc in my stingers as he grows increasingly still.

    Tears flood into my eyes. Despite the fact that this has happened before, I still weep uncontrollably, struggling even to make a portion of a brave face for my friend.

    As I stare at him, more flashes enter my mind. Flashes that I wish weren’t real.

    The same vision I had earlier appears. Driving my stinger into the head of a horrible Beedrill who tried to kill me; who tries to kill any who try to flee because they value their lives over a pointless cause. I remember now that him calling me “Drez” was what drove me over the edge into finishing him off.

    Another image then appears: myself having to fake a major injury so that I wouldn’t be slaughtered upon my cowardly return home. It was me in the process of ripping the base of my lower wings in order to fold them to attach to my upper wings. Shivers crawl down me.

    The flashes vanish and I find myself facing Talvoc again, who lies in my stingers. I struggle to suppress a sob when I look at him. He looks back at me carefully with forced, reassuring grin.

    As soon as he opens his mouth, I know what he’s going to say. His last words. Words that I will never forget.

    “…Drez… Run…”

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    “<-al!>”

    Drezdk woke up with a violent start. The Beedrill was sprawled across the grass in a small clearing in the forest. He could feel his face wet with an equal mix of sweat and tears. The first thing that he saw upon coming to was an unconscious Jeff lying in the grass beside him.

    The bug type let out a soft groan and turned his head a little to try and inspect his surroundings. He noticed that they were in a small, secluded grass clearing in the forest, scattered with leaves and undergrowth. Drezdk’s eyes immediately darted towards two figures. The first one that entered his field of vision was a blue bat whose purple wingspan was pinned by two relatively large rocks in comparison to the bat’s body.

    “<So that must be the one that Jeff was looking for…>” he thought to himself, still somewhat groggy from the sleep powder.

    Drezdk saw a figure in front of Strix talking to him. He was shocked at the sight of seeing what appeared to be a giant, upside-down bell-shaped bugcatching plant. The plant’s eyes were glaring down at the Zubat from directly below its gaping maw. The Beedrill watched as the pokemon began to point angrily with its leaf arms at the unconscious body of Blitz.

    He was shouting at the Zubat, which caused the large vine behind his head that had a leaf sprouting off the end of it to bob back and forth with each syllable. Drezdk tried to focus on what was being said.

    “<You said that this ‘Kevin’ would be able to explain why you were doing what you were doing!>” the Victreebel yelled at Strix, still pointing over at the Scyther.

    “<No no no! Can’t you do anything right?! That’s not Kevin!>” Strix said, meanwhile using his echolocation to identify the mantis in question.

    The Victreebel growled and slammed down his vine just inches away from the helpless Zubat’s face. “<I’m in no mood for your games! I heard him say ‘Kevin, I…’ just before I attacked him! What better proof than admittance from the person himself?!>”

    The Zubat sighed and craned his neck up to give a look at the angered plant. “<Was he, by any chance, with a human?>” The Victreebel nodded. “<The HUMAN was Kevin!>” Strix barked. “<Bugs there is just Kevin’s friend, genius!>”

    “<You’re in no position to be talking down to me, brigand. You’re lucky I’m even giving you a chance to try to clear up this ‘misunderstanding’, as you called it. Besides, you should have been more specific when I asked you earlier. And my name’s not ‘Genius’, it’s Khasri.>”

    Strix attempted to shrug. “<Whatever. Can you just move these rocks? I hate not being able to flap my wings! I feel like a fish that can’t swim!>”

    The sentient plant stared at him. “<Nope. It’s my duty to keep you there until someone can prove your story.>”

    After a drawn out, overexaggerated groan, Strix turned his attention to Drezdk and the unconscious Jeff. “<Why’d you bring them here?>”

    “<They saw me dragging the Scyther. I couldn’t risk them following me back.>”

    “<You sure are paranoid, you know that?>”

    “<I have to be paranoid to protect it…>” he responded after turning his back to the bat, “<because it’s all I have left.>” The last part was whispered to himself.

    Strix’s sensitive hearing picked up on the intended soliloque. “<Why is it the only thing you have left?>”

    The Victreebel known as Khasri swung around and glared at him, embarrassed that Strix heard him. “<None of your business!>”

    The Zubat grinned. “<Okay, okay. Sorry. …What do you plan to do with them, Khazzy?>”

    He looked over to the two. “<I don’t kn->” Khasri cut himself off upon noticing that Drezdk was conscious and watching them. He hopped over to him and peered down at the wary Beedrill. “<Ahh. I see that you’re awake, bug.>”

    Drezdk shuddered, looking up at the imposing creature. “<That’s right... What do you want from us? We did nothing to you.>”

    The flycatcher pokemon chuckled. “<It’s not what you did, it’s what you were going to do.>”

    “<You mean save that Zubat?>” Drezdk asked, slightly confused as to what he meant.

    Khasri growled. “<Don’t play dumb with me, bug. You know what I’m talking about. You were all here to destroy the ancestral garden!>”

    The giant hornet sat up slightly. “<Excuse me? What garden?>” he inquired, not exactly wanting to admit that he didn’t know what a garden was.

    “<The garden which is home to our sacred flora. The garden which is my duty to protect.>”

    “<I see… but Jeff and I were going to destroy no such thing. We just came out here looking for that Zubat.>”

    “<Liar!>” shouted the Victreebel.

    Strix sighed. “<He’s telling the truth, plant-butt!>”

    “<I truly am,>” Drezdk added.

    “<Both of you, shut up! I don’t care if he’s telling the truth! It’s my duty!>” Khasri bellowed.

    They both silenced. Drezdk sighed and carefully studied Khasri. “<Why do you care so much about this duty?>”

    The Victreebel stalled before answering. “<… The others told me it was vital that I stay here and protect the sacred garden while they left to find a new home. They told me they were going to come back for me once they found it.>”

    Drezdk kept looking at him. “<… And how long ago was this that they left?>”

    “<… Longer than I care to remember. I was still a Weepinbell at the time.>”

    The Beedrill cringed and felt a sense of understanding and pity. “<I’m sorry…>”

    Khasri looked down in confusion. “<Why are you sorry?>”

    Drezdk stared at the grass under him. “<They’re not coming back for you…>”

    The Victreebel seemed to elsewhere for a few moments upon hearing him. “<…What?>”

    “<The ones who left… I don’t think they’ll come back to get you.>”

    “<… What are you talking about, bug?!>”

    Drezdk sat upwards and stared at him. “<If they were coming back for you, don’t you think that they would have by now?>”

    “<It has been a bit long, yes, but they’ll be back! Now shut up or I’ll shut you up!>” he roared.

    “<They were never planning to come back. They just needed someone to stay here. That, or they wanted to get rid of y->” the Beedrill was cut off by vine slamming across his face. Drezdk let out a shaky grunt, but kept his ground.

    “<You’re a liar… You’re just trying to get inside my head, you pest,>” he said with a cold, slightly unconfident tone.

    Drezdk remained standing upwards. He glared into Khasri’s eyes. “<…You know I’m right. …You just don’t want to admit it.>”

    The Victreebel remained silent. All he did was glare back into Drezdk’s crimson eyes.

    The hornet pokemon relaxed his muscles and he took a breath and walked up to his foe. “<My swarm lied to me too… They lied to all of us. It was to keep us fighting and dying for a selfish, pointless, and wrong cause. I didn’t want to believe it either, but that’s the way things were.>”

    “<I said to shut up!>” Khasri tackled Drezdk to the ground, winding him in the process.

    After a several gasps to catch his breath, the bug pokemon persisted. “<Listen to me! They were just using you!>”

    “<What part of ‘shut up’ don’t you understand, bug?!>” he slammed Drezdk into the ground and wrapped his vine around the hornet’s neck, beginning to crush his windpipe.

    Drezdk cringed and struggled to breathe. He felt his vigour begin to be drained from him as well. Khasri was stealing his energy. “<Maybe this will silence you, pest!>”

    The Beedrill tried desperately to loosen the vine from his neck without having to resort to violence, but it was proving to be very difficult.

    “<Ple-…ease… Listen to… me!>” Drezdk begged. “<You know… I’m right… Don’t… you?”>

    Khasri said nothing.

    Drezdk felt his consciousness slipping quicker away. He wasn’t sure if he’d make it.

    “<Khas…ri… They’re not… coming back for y-… you…>” he said, his eyes dulling.

    His face slowly cringed and he began to loosen his grip on Drezdk’s neck. The Beedrill collapsed to the ground and began gasping heavily for air. Drezdk looked up and saw Khasri looking solemnly into the forest.

    “<…You’re right, bug…>”

    “<My name’s Drezdk...>”

    “<Drezdk…>” he corrected himself. After a long pause filled with heavy thinking, he sighed. “<I’m sorry… You’re right. Deep down, I always knew that they would never come back. I didn’t want to admit it, though.>”

    Drezdk nodded and slowly stood himself up, rubbing his own neck. “<I know… I know how you feel. I’m sorry I had to force you to understand…>”

    Khasri slowly shook his head. “<No… It’s best that I realized it… I would have wasted my life if you didn’t. All these years I hung onto that garden… I felt like if I did, they might come back… I never thought I’d be telling a bug this... Just leave me alone,>” the Victreebel said, beginning to hop away.

    Drezdk stopped him by placing his arm on top of the bug-catcher pokemon’s leaf arm. “<Khasri… You are not alone… You don’t have to act like you are.>”

    Khasri stopped and turned slightly. “<Thank you, Drezdk… for everything. You’re a better friend than any of them were. You and your friends can go.>”

    Drezdk smiled and nodded. The Victreebel then began to hop towards the treeline of the small clearing. “<Hey! Khasri! Wait! Where are you going? Why don’t you come along with us?>” Drezdk warmly suggested.

    A smile appeared out of Khasri’s gaping maw. “<Thank you… but I need some time to think things over. I just know that wherever I go, it won’t be near that blasted garden. You and I will meet up eventually, okay?>”

    The Beedrill nodded and he waved as Khasri disappeared into the foliage. Several moments after, Drezdk kept staring at the same spot where Khasri left, but then he sighed, turned around and walked over to near the still unconscious Jeff and Blitz.

    “<A little help, bug-brain?>” Strix called over, still trying to wrench his wings away.

    Drezdk walked over and carefully removed the rocks with his forestingers, allowing Strix to fly freely.

    “<Nice job, pal! We really owe ya one! I was kinda hoping you two would duke it out though. That woulda been great to watch!>” Strix quickly said.

    “<Why were you out here in the first place?>” the hornet pokemon asked while lightly poking Jeff to try to wake him.

    Strix suddenly realized something. “<Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding me!>” Before Drezdk could even begin to stop him, Strix zoomed into the forest.

    “<Hey! Wait a second! Why did you say 'Kevin' would be able to clear things up?!>”

    "<Because I told he and Corphish that I was gonna go and look for something for Rachel and that I wanted it to be a surprise!>" he yelled back, and then he disappeared into the forest.

    “<Drezdk!>” a voice chirped. The bug turned and saw a dark blue bird flying towards him. “<What happened?!>” Daedalus asked, looking at Jeff and Blitz.

    “<It is a long story…>”

    “BLITZ!”

    The two turned and saw Kevin virtually lunging on top of Blitz. The Scyther stirred and ground. His hazel eyes opened and darted around. “<…K-…evin?>”

    The teen let out a relieved laugh and embraced him. “You’re okay!”

    Drezdk looked and also saw Rachel, Avis, and Ace walk into the clearing. Rachel looked around for Strix and was downcast when there was no Zubat to be seen. Avis flew onto Rachel’s shoulder and put her wing around the back of her head. “<We’ll find hi->”

    “<Avis! Rachey!>” Strix, while carrying something in his mouth, flew over to the two and ecstatically flew in front of them.

    Rachel looked up. “… Strix?!”

    The Zubat smiled and nodded. In his mouth was a rose. He flew closer to her, gesturing that he wanted her to have it.

    “Th-… That’s for me?” she asked in shock.

    Strix nodded and happily dropped it into her hands. “<I even got beat up by a plant when I went to pick it!>”

    Rachel didn’t understand what he said, but she nevertheless was overwhelmed with happiness. “Oh, Strix! I was so worried! And thank you!” She grabbed him out of the air and hugged him tightly.

    The Zubat’s azure face tinted pink with embarrassment. “<Aw, it was nothin’!>”

    Blitz looked over at Strix and grinned softly. He turned his head slowly towards Kevin. “<Thank you for coming after me… pal… You are the closest friend I have.>”

    The teen was momentarily stunned, but he quickly grinned and patted the bug’s shoulder shoulder. “What are best pals for?” Upon seeing his friend wince, he stopped. “Sorry.”

    Blitz managed to smirk and headlock Kevin. “<Do not worry about it.>”

    “Hahah. Okay, jeez!” he said while laughing, managing to free himself from the headlock.

    Kevin have Blitz his hand, helped him up and supported him. “Okay, everyone. Let’s get Jeff awake and head back to the others so we can get the show on the road.” He looked over to the nearby Squirtle with a malicious grin. “Ace… You know what to do…”
    Last edited by Griff4815; 13th July 2009 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Clearing up plot near end
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  9. #309
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eastern PA, USA
    Posts
    776

    Default

    I have the initiative! Yes!!

    Great chapter, as always, Mr. Griffin; Corphish is still in top form, & the fact that they were all looking for a missing Pokemon who just wanted to get a flower for its trainer is just the thing for grabbing people's attention.

    Of course, you may have noticed that I haven't ripped it to shreds this time. It is because I want to ask you this: What is the deal with all of these dashes? They've been overused to the point in which they stick out like a sore thumb; most of these are substituted for the correct punctuations, & for me, it's a sign that you're unwilling to polish this off to a shiny gloss. The only use that I can find for dashes is if someone is stuttering; all the others can either be replaced or in some cases, they don't even need to be there.

    So... what do you have to say about this?

  10. #310
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    I was under the impression that they were sort of similar to semi-colons, but didn't require... what was it?... independent clauses after it? My beta has mentioned that I have been using too many of them, and I'm inclined to agree. I'll try to cut down, Sarge.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  11. #311
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Behind you...
    Posts
    1,292

    Default

    Right... let's do this.

    So, Dae still hates Jeff''s battle-loving side's guts, Jeff still dislikes Blitz, and Treeck and Talvoc's death still haunts Drezdk. So what else is new?

    How about Drezdk and Jeff getting chummy? And Avis confiding in Daedelus? Those were some sweet moves. The sheer abundance of revelations in that chapters almost make up for the lack of Corphish related humor (Happy Feet... lol, he still got it.)

    A slew of grammatical blunders to sort out, so pay attention:

    Blane pensively put his fingers to his chin. “Have you two tried training?”
    looked on in flabbergast with their jaws hanging slightly askew.
    Kevin asked, hoping to to get some sort of verbal response from his friend.
    He threw it indiscriminately into the forest.
    He looked at his arms and legs and they were bright red, similar to bad sunburn.
    “<I can just tell things about some people. Mostly I can’t, but when it’s somewhat obvious…>”
    We have been inseparable friends since literally before we can care to remember.
    but I don’t care to follow their chilling descension.
    Strix’s sensitive hearing picked up on the intended soliloquy.
    Note all corrections.

    So, it was a long, yet very interesting chapter (I like tomes, yes me do ) so you're forgiven for the time spent writing this out.

    Gotta go, got stuff to do, so... L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
    PROJECT C-SQUARE STATUS = 100.00% Complete (11-12-2010, ca. 2:40pm GMT)
    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
    Butt-ugly Banner by Me
    (Still waiting on the excellent Saffire Persian for another awesome TCQ banner!)

  12. #312
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eastern PA, USA
    Posts
    776

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I was under the impression that they were sort of similar to semi-colons, but didn't require... what was it?... independent clauses after it?
    There is no substitute for semicolons, Mr. Griffin!

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    My beta has mentioned that I have been using too many of them, and I'm inclined to agree.
    That means (s)he is actually doing his/her job properly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    I'll try to cut down, Sarge.
    Since when am I a Sargent?

    Now that this is all sorted out, it's time for the one-man Fic Shredding Department to do his thing!

    *busts out his microscopic sights*

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Secondly/Thirdly, sorry for how long this chapter is. I was writing it and it slowly grew to this Onix of a chapter. It's the longest NITWOMP chapter to date at 30-some pages.
    I haven't even started, & already I've found something... not good.

    If you're going to abbreviate your story, do it right; NitWToWP



    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The shade and the wind tunnel that the valley created were very relaxing to the travellers after that hot, muggy day. Kevin marched forwards leading most of the troupe. Alongside him scuttled Corphish and on his opposite side flew Strix, who was struggling to maintain his slow and steady speed. Behind them were Rachel and Blane, who were talking to each other alongside of Avis and Piplup. Blane was recounting his tale of his travels up to the point they met. Jeff straggled behind everyone else, partially because of the electricity and partially because he was navel-gazing about Hitmonlee and Treecko. The wood gecko was several dozen metres ahead of Kevin and Corphish- as he is always alert for potential trouble ahead. He and Jeff hadn’t exchanged any words since the battle had ended and the teenager couldn’t help but wonder why. Jeff decided to walk up beside Rachel and Blane.
    That dash can be replaced with a comma; I've also added something after it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Nice job with the battle, Jeff,” Rachel said, smiling. “I wouldn’t have been able to do that.”
    Replace with comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Blane pensingly put his fingers to his chin. “Have you two tried training?”
    Pensively...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Blane glanced down at his own pokedex. “Well… it’s not something that Treeckos learn naturally, so maybe that’s it. It’s no wonder it requires a load of training to work properly.”
    Capitalize.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Avis adjusted her position on Rachel’s shoulder as her trainer turned her head to face Blane. “Oh… Umm, I’m fine. I just get a little worried when I’m not near Strix at all times. He can be really high maintenance and I don’t want him to get-
    That can be replaced with an ellipse. (...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff’s mind immediately flashed to Daedalus and Drezdk. Despite Daedalus being angry with him, he imagined that the Taillow wouldn’t object to help look for a missing pokemon. Drezdk was the one that raised concerns in his mind- because first of all, he wasn’t sure if his wings were healed enough and second, Jeff was under the assumption that he had never left the general vicinity around his hive, so if he went off alone, he could easily get lost or worse.
    Replace with a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Don’t you have any flying pokemon?” Jeff retorted, deflecting to Blane the attitude that Daedalus was sending towards him.

    “Well… yeah, but Nurse Joy said that he shouldn’t move around, if possible. He was hurt pretty bad,” he replied.

    “Great training there…” scoffed Jeff, who was now in a foul mood.

    “It wasn’t my fault!” Blane retorted, also becoming angry.
    Blane = pwned!

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Trouble with your Treecko?” a grinning Kevin asked.

    “He’s not my Treecko…” Jeff replied, particularly before Daedalus could comment on Kevin’s choice of words.

    “Okay, then… ‘Trouble with that Treecko?’” Kevin’s grin grew wider.
    I smell something, & it ain't good...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “Come on! You and I both know that you’re far from being as good a trainer as me, so I’m gonna be the one to give you advice and stuff!” he said.

    Daedalus and Avis, who were overhearing the conversation, gave each other an apprehensive look. Jeff’s head spun around to glare at Kevin. “Oh yeah! You’re a great trainer. You have a Squirtle who’s afraid of his own shadow and a murderous Scyther who’s been hiding in his pokeball since this morning!”

    Kevin clenched his fists and shouted, “HEY! Back off, pal! That’s over the line! You wanna play like that?!”
    Kevin = pwned!

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<Oh… Hello… uhh… Jezz?>” he sheepishly asked, embarrassed that he couldn’t remember his name.
    Wonderful, Drezdk...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff nodded and raised his arm vertically to lock it with Drezdk’s. “So what is this? Some sort of Beedrillian gesture of promising? It’s just kind of like an upside down handshake- it's not as strange or as painful as I thought it might be,” Jeff mused.
    Replace with a semicolon, & I've also added something.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff relaxed for the most part, but he couldn’t get over that last statement. He was afraid to ask but his curiousity took over. “You mean you-…”

    The Beedrill cringed and turned his head so that he looked off to the side at a tree trunk, averting Jeff’s gaze. “<I… did not have a choice. I couldn’t help myself… I-…>” Drezdk now wanted anything but to cease staring at that one slab of bark on the tree trunk. He much preferred going over every crack in the wood a million times to looking up at what he imagined was Jeff’s disappointed, accusing face, even for one second. Drezdk shakily sighed. “<I do not blame you for thinking me a monster. It’s one of the many negative things I could aptly be called.>”
    Both of these can go away. Also, the red sentence doesn't sound right; it should be, "I do not blame you for thinking of me as a monster."

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Drezdk was stunned by the reaction he received- it was nothing that he had ever expected. He felt Jeff’s hand placed consolingly on his back above the wings. The bug type was expecting to be chastised, thought of as some horrible creature, or even physically beaten. He was constantly told in his hive how humans never understand the Beedrill’s way of life and how the humans thought them as bloodthirsty monsters. Drezdk could never get over the prospect of that stereotype- and after awhile, he even began to start to believe it. He felt very alienated prior to that moment. Drezdk couldn’t believe that Jeff wasn’t rebuking him in some way. The Beedrill immediately looked at Jeff in confusion.
    Dash #1 can be replaced with a semicolon.
    Dash #2 gets replaced with a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Drezdk, who was still feeling quite vulnerable, stared blankly at Jeff. Despite the fact that he had killed others before, Jeff still thought he seemed kind- no- the kindest person he had ever met? How could that be? Drezdk wondered. This human was nothing like the ones that he was told about by his swarm. If this human was smart enough to know that Drezdk wasn’t truly an aggressive killer, than how could Drezdk himself have been so blind to believe that all humans were as unforgiving as the members of his hive said? “<He… doesn’t think of me as a monster? …And he says that I might be one of the kindest people he’s met? He believes in me and is actually trying to make me feel better?! He even went out of his way to try to get my name right… and he almost did too… I can’t believe it…>” Drezdk was at a loss for words for a few moments. The slow realization and comprehension of Jeff’s words slowly began to form a mixture of appreciation, gratitude, and guilt- but most of all, an overwhelming sense of pure relief.
    The first two dashes can be replaced with ellipses; the third one can be replaced with a comma. Also, do you remember the one sentence that didn't sound right? You've done it again here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Drezdk stared long and hard up into Jeff’s eyes before his own lit up and he gave an uncontrolled chuckle of elation. “<Th-Thank you!>” Drezdk felt that Jeff deserved to understand how happy he had just made him. Since all that he could muster was those two words, he instinctly decided to resort to an action that a Beedrill would do in this situation to show his overpowering admiration. Drezdk stepped towards Jeff, wrapped his forestingers around him, and pulled him into a tight hug.
    The red ellipse can be done without, as Drezdk is stuttering; the blue one can be moved behind the exclamation mark, eg: Thank you...!

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Jeff was stunned for numerous reasons. Had he really had that much effect on the Beedrill? And… Drezdk, a Beedrill, was hugging him?! For a few moments, Jeff didn’t know what he should be feeling, but then it began very clear what he was to feel… the same things as Drezdk. After a few speechless seconds of incomprehension, Jeff decided the only thing that he ought to do was kneel down to Drezdk’s level and return the hug and all that it stood for. He slowly went down on his knees and placed his arms around the Beedrill, who he had just recently met.

    He could hear a humming. The dull, yet pleased hum was coming reflexively from Drezdk’s fluttering wings. He could feel the contented Beedrill emitting soft vibrations accompanying the humming. It was an automatic response of a Beedrill when feeling strong emotions of happiness. The feeling of the dull vibrations was a strangely relaxing sensation, Jeff had to admit.
    An emotional part for most, but not to me, as I'm emotionless.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    After several moments of the mutual hug, when it was really starting to sink in, a feeling hit him like a tidal wave- a torrent of warmth flooded through his body. Jeff was initially shocked at this sudden, strange feeling, but he quickly came to relish it. A feeling that, through all of his time of being a trainer, he hadn’t felt until now. It was the feeling that one of his pokemon actually cared about him. It was an undying warmth inside of him- Jeff imagined this must be what Charmanders feel like all the time. He felt that this one hug made all the disasters he had went through when trying to be a trainer, almost worth it. Almost…
    Dash #1: Replace with comma.
    Dash #2: Replace with semicolon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Feeling a bit guilty, the hornet pokemon suggested a different service. “<I’ve got excellent eyesight though… That’s why I was put in the team I was in, in the first place,>” he said, eager to help out.
    Missing a critical part...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Scyther merely shook his head and kept flying. Kevin sneered and walked alongside his friend. After a couple minutes of travelling in silence, he spoke up again. “…You’re acting like a big baby, you know that?”

    Blitz turned to Kevin with a questioning look on his face. “<…Excuse me?>”

    “Ever since you stormed into your pokeball for no reason, you haven’t said a word and you’ve been all sulky!”
    Way to hit someone where it hurts...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<You are aware of how I… almost killed him… correct?>” He awaited Kevin’s affirmation before continuing. “<Well… I wish to apologize sincerely and tell him what happened, but I am beginning to think that he will not listen to a single word that I have to say. I just want him to realize that I did not-…>” Blitz cut himself off with an aggravated growl. “<It is… frustrating.>”
    Lose that...

    Long way, found nothing of interest, until...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “<What d’ya mean, Happy Feet?>” Corphish asked, finding it fully necessary to tag on the nickname. “<He and I are the best of pals!>”
    Nice movie remark.

    Another long way with nothing of interest. Then...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    A scythe. A scythe similar to the one that had tried to slice him to ribbons a year prior. It was unmistakably a Scyther. But he noticed something odd about it- it was dragging on the forest floor. Jeff looked more carefully. The whole body was being dragged. He carefully looked at the unconscious Scytherian figure and noticed that a large brown vine with a leaf on the end of it was coiled around the chest, resting under the bug’s underarms and pulling it in short bursts before momentarily pausing. It was understandable since pulling a mantis of that stature can’t be an easy task.
    1. Replace with a colon.
    2. Capitalize

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    “What the-…” Jeff attempted to utter, already nodding off where he stood.
    Lose that...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Avis briefly glanced up at him. “<Oh, Strix? He probably got distracted by a Beautifly and decided to follow it. I swear most Growlithes have a higher attention span than he does.>”
    Another nifty remark.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Avis nodded. “<Of course- even though she can’t understand me. She tells me all sorts of stuff and I’m happy to listen, although I sort of wish that I could do the same with her sometimes.>”
    Replace with comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    ‘Drez’ is the nickname that Talvoc, and Talvoc alone, calls me. I realize I’m very sentimental with this friendship, but it’s very important to me. I have a nagging feeling that I’ve done something horrible when somebody I loathed called me that.
    Interesting...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Before he can react, I jam my stinger upwards into his skull, killing him instantly. I blink. Instead of the corpse of the hostile Beedrill in front of me, I’m now on the grass, holding Talvoc in my stingers as he grows increasingly still.
    Ouch...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Victreebel seemed to drift off elsewhere for a few moments upon hearing him. “<…What?>”
    Missing something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    The Zubat smiled and nodded. In his mouth was a rose. He flew closer to her, gesturing that he wanted her to have it.

    “Th-… That’s for me?” she asked in shock.
    All this commotion over a piddly rose?? Aye, right...

    I'm finally finished, & my eyes are still working. You lied to me, Mr Griffin!

  13. #313
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,100

    Default

    Nice chapter there (if with a fair amount of mistakes, but heck, we all make them XD). Interesting events there, mixed in with a wealth of character development (which you always do so well), and more movie references from Corphish. (Needs more of that, though =P).

    Kevin in particular is interesting to read about, mainly because he's so darn annoying (the portrayal is great, he just sucks if you get what I mean =P). The recurring theme of Pokemon wars and all was interesting, particularly with the Victreebel - the thought that it had been left there for years to protect a garden which held no importance... You built up the mystery with what it was nicely as well (but I knew there was a mention of a Weepinbell somewhere, so... =P)

    Generally the pacing was good (although a touch slow when Jeff was talking to Drezdk, I thought, but minor), and the description was pretty good there.

    For the use of hyphens - there is an excessive use of them, I felt, but not all were unwarranted, I thought... taking a few examples from Brumrha's review:
    Avis adjusted her position on Rachel’s shoulder as her trainer turned her head to face Blane. “Oh… Umm, I’m fine. I just get a little worried when I’m not near Strix at all times. He can be really high maintenance and I don’t want him to get-
    That can be replaced with an ellipse. (...)
    I am inclined to disagree - taking the following line:
    Rachel cut off as soon as she glanced back to Kevin and Corphish
    Rachel 'cut him off', so the hyphen actually reflects that fact - as if he had been interrupted, instead of trailing off.
    Jeff’s mind immediately flashed to Daedalus and Drezdk. Despite Daedalus being angry with him, he imagined that the Taillow wouldn’t object to help look for a missing pokemon. Drezdk was the one that raised concerns in his mind- because first of all, he wasn’t sure if his wings were healed enough and second, Jeff was under the assumption that he had never left the general vicinity around his hive, so if he went off alone, he could easily get lost or worse.
    Replace with a comma.
    Again, I am unsure if a comma works better than that - if not, the sentence (which is already long) is just going to be filled with the same kind of pause created by commas, which seems to make it a run-on sentence. Down to opinion, I suppose, but a hyphen feels better there, IMO, and probably the best option as well.

    There are some other instances probably down to debate, but there is a bit too much of it, I feel as well, and times where other options work better. Also:
    “Nice job with the battle, Jeff,” Rachel said, smiling. “I wouldn’t have been able to do that.”
    Replace with comma.
    IMO, full stop should remain, as I read it as two sentences just fine - if anything, merging the two with the comma makes it sound uncomfortable. But feel free to disagree, I suppose.

    Anyways...
    Mountains flanked the group from both sides while they left bright, energetic Mauville City behind them. They walked in the center of a relatively narrow, grassy valley which was caused by glaciation in the far past. This was evident because of the ‘U-shape’ the valley was carved like. The mountains weren’t overly large, but they were definitely impassible for most creatures. The afternoon sun was already blocked by their presence, so the valley was in shadows except for the tips of the uppermost cliff faces on the right.

    The shade and the wind tunnel that the valley created were very relaxing to the travellers after that hot, muggy day.
    Getting a bit towards being too repetitive there with the starting word, but it's kinda nitpicky.
    The complaint and joke fell upon deaf ears; Rachel was too concerned with frantically looked around the sky and surrounding area for her pokemon.
    Needs rewording, that part. (Seems to be missing a few words).
    The silent grass type merely blinked and walked past Jeff. He sat by himself near the edge of where the ones who were remaining were. The teen eyed Treecko, who was glancing up at the clouds while leaning against his tails. The thing that Jeff wasn’t surprised at was the fact he couldn’t understand why Treecko was doing the things that he did. He merely sighed and began to walk towards the forest alongside Kevin and the two avian pokemon.
    Again, along with starting-sentence words, the sentences here also seem to be too similar in length - mixing it up a bit will help the pacing of this paragraph.
    Drezdk could never get over the prospect of that stereotype- and after awhile, he even began to start to believe it.
    'Began to start to' seems a bit unnecessary - maybe just 'he even began to believe it'?
    <He… doesn’t think me a monster? …And he says that I might be one of the kindest people he’s met? He believes in me and is actually trying to make me feel better?! He even went out of his way to try to get my name right… and he almost did too.
    (Another disagreeance with Brumha - 'He doesn't think me a monster' kinda sounds fine to me - it's a different way of speaking, but I know people who speak like that, and he fits that mould as well from his speech, thus far) Pointing out the use of 'people' there, as Jeff used 'individual', and Drezdk ain't a people. =P
    "<Because I told he and Corphish that I was gonna go and look for something for Rachel and that I wanted it to be a surprise!>" he yelled back, and then he disappeared into the forest.
    Him.

    Overall I quite enjoyed this chapter - nice how it built up and all. Keep it up.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Dude, where's my Game Corner? Learn why you can't gamble in ORAS. =(
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.


  14. #314
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Eastern PA, USA
    Posts
    776

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    For the use of hyphens - there is an excessive use of them, I felt, but not all were unwarranted, I thought... taking a few examples from Brumrha's review:
    I am inclined to disagree - taking the following line:
    Rachel 'cut him off', so the hyphen actually reflects that fact - as if he had been interrupted, instead of trailing off.
    Again, I am unsure if a comma works better than that - if not, the sentence (which is already long) is just going to be filled with the same kind of pause created by commas, which seems to make it a run-on sentence. Down to opinion, I suppose, but a hyphen feels better there, IMO, and probably the best option as well.

    There are some other instances probably down to debate, but there is a bit too much of it, I feel as well, and times where other options work better. Also:
    IMO, full stop should remain, as I read it as two sentences just fine - if anything, merging the two with the comma makes it sound uncomfortable. But feel free to disagree, I suppose.
    *sigh* Thanks for making me look like a damn tube, there; especially on the first one...

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    (Another disagreeance with Brumha - 'He doesn't think me a monster' kinda sounds fine to me - it's a different way of speaking, but I know people who speak like that, and he fits that mould as well from his speech, thus far)
    "kinda sounds fine"??

    Explain to me how this is different from the other ways of speaking...

  15. #315
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Air Dragon: Heheh, thanks for the review! I kinda like how your views sorta seem like a TV announcer is reviewing. It's fun.

    Brumrha: That's a lot of grammar errors. Well, Sergeant, onto your review response. About the story acronym 'NITWOMP', a friend of mine came up with it because it's not really practical to attempt to oralize 'NITWTOWP', it kinda sounds like a Frenchman as you're giving him the heimlich manoevre.

    And I thought you had an insatiable bloodlust! Not so much lied, as I was wrong. As always, thanks for the review.

    Bobandbill: There'll be more Corphish next chapter. =D Heh, yeah, I get what you mean; Kevin's a lovable jerk. Wow, I'm happy that that was the only part that was slow. 30 pages, so that's a feat.

    Thank you both for tearing into my grammar skills. The fact that it takes four people to correct this mess makes me feel great. xD In all seriousness, thanks for the reviews.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  16. #316
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Macross
    Posts
    132

    Default

    These past three were great chapters. I read them all in two sittings, which was quite a feat especially with that 30-pager!

    Jeff's victory over Wattson was very entertaining. I hadn't seen a handicap match in any fic until this one and I enjoyed it a lot. The coordinate system strategy was solid and I thought it would really bring the two of them closer together (just like Wattson had intended), but Treecko really seems to be just as distant. I don't know if it's because of the Bullet Seed malfunction or what, but I'm beginning to think that Treecko is just borderline antisocial personality disorder, ha!

    The way they had to compromise and communicate to even come up with the coordinates they would use was a great team-building activity.

    But I'm glad that Beedril has shown Jeff the companionship that Pokemon can have for their trainers. I think he probably needed that to build confidence in his ability as a trainer and his worth as a trainer. With almost no positive reinforcement from his pokemon so far, it's probably a huge breath of fresh air to know that, at least in someone's opinion, you're all right. Hopefully, he can put this confidence to use in building relationships with his other three, especially Daedalus and Treecko.

    Lost and Found was an interesting chapter. I liked the Beedril development. It was a really great story you cooked up to explore Rachel and Zubat's relationship as well as Jeff and Kevin's, Beedril and Jeff's. These were characters I think needed more time in the spotlight and you gave it to 'em.

    Well, that's really all I have to say! Keep up the good work, Griff!
    Taxonomy of the Heart
    Another fic - Foresight

    "When you're in your final moment and your life flashes before your eyes, it isn't for your entertainment, it's your subconscious hurling every relevant and pseudo-relevant experience you've ever had up into consciousness. It's saying 'try this! or this! or this! does what we learned here help?! ****!!'. So don't sit back and relax, take your last stand. Take your brain's emergency alarm and do something.

  17. #317
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Maze View Post
    These past three were great chapters. I read them all in two sittings, which was quite a feat especially with that 30-pager!

    Jeff's victory over Wattson was very entertaining. I hadn't seen a handicap match in any fic until this one and I enjoyed it a lot. The coordinate system strategy was solid and I thought it would really bring the two of them closer together (just like Wattson had intended), but Treecko really seems to be just as distant. I don't know if it's because of the Bullet Seed malfunction or what, but I'm beginning to think that Treecko is just borderline antisocial personality disorder, ha!

    The way they had to compromise and communicate to even come up with the coordinates they would use was a great team-building activity.

    But I'm glad that Beedril has shown Jeff the companionship that Pokemon can have for their trainers. I think he probably needed that to build confidence in his ability as a trainer and his worth as a trainer. With almost no positive reinforcement from his pokemon so far, it's probably a huge breath of fresh air to know that, at least in someone's opinion, you're all right. Hopefully, he can put this confidence to use in building relationships with his other three, especially Daedalus and Treecko.

    Lost and Found was an interesting chapter. I liked the Beedril development. It was a really great story you cooked up to explore Rachel and Zubat's relationship as well as Jeff and Kevin's, Beedril and Jeff's. These were characters I think needed more time in the spotlight and you gave it to 'em.

    Well, that's really all I have to say! Keep up the good work, Griff!
    Heh, thanks. It took some effort to come up with that stuff. And yeah, Treecko is difficult for anyone to bond with. xP

    Yeah, good job pointing out the bonding with Drezdk thing. Hopefully it's a step in the right direction for both of them.

    Thanks, I still think that Atlas and Prometheus could use some development though. Something to look for in the next chapter, perhaps?

    Anyways, thanks for the review!
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  18. #318
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Right behind you!
    Posts
    12

    Talking Gerat Story!

    Wow! I just go done reading this whole fic over the last couple of days and... What an awesome story. You have some of the best developed characters I've seen!:

    but Treecko really seems to be just as distant. I don't know if it's because of the Bullet Seed malfunction or what, but I'm beginning to think that Treecko is just borderline antisocial personality disorder, ha!
    I do think that treecko is upset over the whole Bullet Seed not working. Heh you would think he would realize that sulking by himself over it won't help any but I guess that's treecko for you!

    Heh, for a while you had me thinking that Jeff was goinig to have to "mon" up and save Blitz. Which could have been interesting giving how much Jeff holds such a little thing as attempted murder against him.

    But barring that I'm glad you did it the way you did, with Jeff (and Drezdk) getting knocked out. As I think that was the best way to handle it. As I can't see Jeff just walking away form that situation, even with as much as he does hate Blitz.

    So good Job with that, keep up the good work and add me to the PM list please!
    Last edited by kinger810; 17th August 2009 at 2:56 PM.

  19. #319
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kinger810 View Post
    Wow! I just go done reading this whole fic over the last couple of days and... What an awesome story. You have some of the best developed characters I've seen!:



    I do think that treecko is upset over the whole Bullet Seed not working. Heh you would think he would realize that sulking by himself over it won't help any but I guess that's treecko for you!

    Heh, for a while you had me thinking that Jeff was goinig to have to "mon" up and save Blitz. Which could have been interesting giving how much Jeff holds such a little thing as attempted murder against him.

    But barring that I'm glad you did it the way you did, with Jeff (and Drezdk) getting knocked out. As I think that was the best way to handle it. As I can't see Jeff just walking away form that situation, even with as much as he does hate Blitz.

    So good Job with that, keep up the good work and add me to the PM list please!
    Hey thanks! Good job, it must have taken awhile to do.

    You might be onto something with the bullet seed thing, but you never know. I'm not sure I'd say he's 'sulking' just... being Treecko, I guess. :P

    Heh, I'm not sure if Jeff would go that far or not. It's hard to say.

    Anyways, thanks for the review and consider yourself added.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  20. #320
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Sorry this is taking so horribly long. I've been busy with school and stuff. I'll definately have it up by or during Christmas Break.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  21. #321
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Right behind you!
    Posts
    12

    Default

    Meh, don't worry about it, it happens. I still be here whenever you can find the time to get it done.

  22. #322
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Deserted


    “<Treeeecko… Treeeeeeeeecko… Treeeecko…>”

    Corphish stood on the picnic blanket beside Treecko, who sat leaning against his tails. Corphish continued prodding the back of his green head with his claw, hoping to get the reptile’s attention. Treecko opened his eyes and glanced over to Corphish in irritation.

    “<Howdy, pardner,>” Corphish said with an innocent smile.

    The wood gecko looked back forwards and closed his eyes.

    “<Come on, Treeck! I just wanna hang out!>”

    “<Too bad,>” he replied, his eyes remaining shut.

    Corphish frowned and began ‘stomping’ away from the twig-chewing gecko. “<You used to be cool, man!>” After pausing to think for a moment, Corphish corrected himself. “<Nah, that‘s wrong. You’re always cool, but you’re still being a jerk!>” The water type walked over to Piplup and sat down.

    The penguin looked at Corphish and grinned. “<You reek of desperation, you know that?>”

    The crustacean shook his head. “<That’s nothin’; you should see me around girls! You don’t know desperate until one of your pick-up lines is ‘Hi, you seem capable of mating and I don’t want to die alone, so could we be a more perfect match?!’>”

    Piplup chuckled.

    “<You don’t understand the joke, do you?>”

    “<…Of course I do!>”

    Corphish grinned. “<Maybe when you’re a Prinplup, there, kiddo.>”

    “<I’m barely younger than you!>”

    Corphish rolled his eyes and began eating bread crumbs on the blanket from the food earlier.

    “<Hungry?>” Piplup asked, watching the Corphish with amusement.

    “<Always.>”

    Blane quickly stood up and pointed. “Hey! I see them!” referring to the search party who went searching for Strix after he went missing.

    Sure enough, the group of three humans walked under Daedalus and Avis, who flew above them. The other pokemon were inside their pokeballs due to the injuries they sustained earlier. Kevin held Ace and Jeff was still complaining about being drenched.

    “Oh, stop whining, Jeff, or else I’ll make Ace soak you again,” Kevin good-heartedly threatened.

    “Do that and I’ll get Atlas to give you an Onix-sized hug,” Jeff retorted.

    “Do that and I’ll get Blitz to practice his sword-dance right beside you,” Kevin countered.

    Jeff swallowed. “…You win.”

    “Was there ever any doubt?” Kevin said with a grin.

    “Oh, brother,” said Rachel, sighing.

    He sneered at Kevin, not giving up yet. “Well maybe I’ll give Corphish a gun. You know how much he likes the Die Hard movies.”

    The blonde haired boy froze with fear. “N-Not cool…”

    Jeff smiled victoriously as they reached the picnic blanket where the others were. Corphish looked up with excitement at the returning group.

    “<Did Strix find that flower?>” he asked.

    The dark-haired teen stared down at Corphish for a good few seconds. “…You knew about this?!”

    “<Yup! I’m a good secret-keeper,>” said the water pokemon with a joyful smile.

    Jeff let out an exasperated sigh. “Of course. This whole thing could have been avoided.”

    “<And I would have told you, too, if you acted like a Growlithe for the rest of the day!>” Corphish added.

    “Gee, thanks. I knew I could count on you, Corppy,” Jeff murmured.

    “<Uh oh! My sarcasm detector is going off the scale!>”

    Corphish, Piplup and Treecko all stood up. “Are we going now?” Blane asked.

    Kevin nodded and twirled a pokeball around on his index finger. “Yeah, we should. Everyone should return most of their pokemon to their pokeballs.”

    “Why?” asked Jeff.

    “Well it’s not very considerate if we make Atlas and Prometheus carry our whole teams on their backs.”

    Jeff rolled his eyes and Daedalus glared at Kevin. “<They’re not automobiles!>”

    Kevin ignored him and looked to Jeff and Blane. “You two go on Atlas.” Jeff was about to protest, but Kevin cut him off when he turned his attention to Rachel. “And, Rache? You get to ride my Onix,” he said with a wide grin.

    Rachel blinked. “…What?”

    “I said you get to come with me on Prometheus’ back.” His smirk grew even wider.

    She blinked again. “…Excuse me?”

    “Are you blonde? I just want to know if you want to get on with me on my rock snake!”

    Corphish was laughing uncontrollably on the ground, tears forming in his eyes as he struggled to breathe.

    Rachel blushed. “I swear, Togepis are more mature than you! And you’re the one who has blonde hair!” she huffily said, pushing by Kevin, who was grinning feverishly.

    “I just don’t understand what was so confusing about what I said!” he remarked, casting a wink to Corphish, who was still doubled over in laughter.

    Jeff rolled his eyes. “Return, Corp.” He returned the water type to the pokeball and looked over to Daedalus. He looked at the other pokeball in his hand and felt guilt flood through him. “Dae, I won’t make you go in-”

    “<It’s fine. Why would I want to be out here anyways?>” he snappily said.

    “Daedalus, I don’t-”

    “<Oh, just get it over with,>” the Taillow said, glaring at him.

    Jeff stalled and then sighed. He reluctantly pointed the pokeball at him and recalled him to the device. “And you, Treecko?” he asked, turning to where Treecko was standing, but the grass type wasn’t there. Jeff looked around and saw that he was positioned over in the grass attempting to practice his bullet seed. He watched as the wood gecko pokemon managed to get out a short burst of energy seeds before it was cut short.

    Kevin winced as he took out a pokeball; his skin was still tender from the poison powder.

    “Let’s go, Pro!”

    As the rocky titan emerged before them from a mountain of light, he irritably responded, “<It’s ‘Prometheus’.>” He looked around. “<Where is Atlas?>”

    Kevin glanced to Jeff, who nodded and retrieved the pokeball from his belt. With a heave, he threw it away from the party and Atlas appeared in an open plain of grass.

    “What’d you do that for, Jeff? Now you have to go and pick the pokeball up!” Kevin said matter-of-factly.

    Jeff cast him a glare. “I thought it’d look cool, okay?”

    “Just because the trainers you see on TV do it, doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea.”

    “Why do you say tha-” Jeff cut himself off upon hearing a series of cracks. He and Kevin looked over to see that Atlas had unwittingly crushed the open pokeball with his heavy body.

    Kevin stared at him with an all-knowing grin.

    “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” snapped Jeff, blood rushing to his face. He reached for his sixth pokeball and pointed it at the Onix. “Hold on, Atlas, I need to do something.”

    “Jeff, what are you do-”

    A laser shot from the center of the pokeball and hit Atlas. The Onix, much to Jeff’s confusion, was unaffected by the beam. Then an electrical shock surged out of the pokeball into his hand, and coursed up his arm.

    “AHH! What the-?!” he sputtered, dropping the pokeball in shock. Rachel and Blane, who were busy folding the picnic blanket, looked over in surprise.

    “You can’t return a pokemon to a pokeball that isn’t the one you caught it in,” Kevin said, walking over.

    “I can’t?” he asked, holding his tingling hand.

    Blane walked over too. “No. The new pokeballs were installed with extra security measures. When you catch a pokemon, it autoamatically identifies itself with that pokemon, so it will recognize when you try to use it for trying to recall or catch a different pokemon,” explained the black-haired boy

    “And they electrocute you when you try?!” he asked.

    “Nah. It looks like yours just malfunctioned. They don’t usually do that,” Blane explained.

    “Oh, terrific. That was my last pokeball… How am I supposed to recall Atlas now?!” Jeff shouted, his eyes widening in realization.

    “Well…” Blane said. “You send the pokeball to your local professor- in your case, Professor Birch- and have him program it to accept Atlas, using the data he received when you caught him, and then you get the pokeball sent back.”

    “But we’re nowhere near a pokemon center!”

    “Hey, we were going to have Atlas and Prometheus out anyways,” Kevin reminded. “So quit yer’ belly-achin’.”

    Atlas looked down at everyone; he was particularly interested in what Treecko was doing, since the grass type seemed to make odd gestures with his mouth.

    The wood gecko pokemon attempted to focus despite the commotion surrounding him. Maybe that time it would work. He opened his mouth and attempted to fire the seeds. Nothing.

    He tried again. Nothing.

    Attempting not to let his frustration take over, he attempted a third time. He built up the energy…

    “<Treecko, what are you->”

    …and shot them in an inconsistent, short burst… just as Atlas peered his face down into his line of fire. The seeds dug into his face and, worse, his deep scar.

    Atlas reared his head up and let out an agonized bellow of sheer pain. The four humans and Prometheus’ eyes widened. Treecko seemed shocked for a split second, but he blinked, folded his arms and aloofly watched the situation with a barely visible scowl on his face.

    “Aw crap…” Kevin murmured, beginning to run for cover with Jeff, Rachel, and Blane.

    “<A-Atlas! What’s wrong?!>” Prometheus worriedly asked, watching his friend thrash around.

    Atlas didn’t hear him; he was in too much pain. He contorted his body and swung his head about. Prometheus quickly slithered forwards to try to get a hold of him. Atlas rammed himself into the Onix, causing him to fall back onto the grass. Prometheus growled and tried to get himself up as quickly as possible.

    The roaring Atlas had other plans. He managed to launch himself in the air so that his whole body was airborne. He drove his head into the ground, creating a hole that he quickly dug into. Within seconds, Atlas was completely underground.

    “No!” Jeff yelled, running over.

    “<Atlas!>” Prometheus said, following suit.

    “We have to go after him!” Blane said, getting ready to jump into the hole.

    Jeff nodded, also prepared to jump in. Prometheus blocked them with the end oh his tail.

    “<That’s idiotic; I want to find him too, but you can’t just go rushing in there after him. The run could cave in at any moment and bury you two alive,>” Prometheus explained.

    Jeff grimaced. “Then what do we do?”

    “And what set him off?” Rachel asked.

    Treecko averted his gaze and idly placed his hands behind his head.

    “I saw Treecko hit him with a bullet seed,” Kevin explained.

    Jeff glared at Treecko. “What the hell would you do that for?!”

    Treecko calmly answered, “<He was unlucky enough to get in my way while I was practicing Bullet Seed.>”

    The angry teen growled and looked back down the hole. “Ugh, forget it. We have to focus on getting Atlas before he gets himself or somebody else hurt.”

    “But how?” Rachel asked.

    Blane nodded, seconding the question. “Yeah. How are we supposed to see where he’s going if he’s underground since we can’t follow him down there?”

    “Not to mention the fact that I can’t recall him once we find him…” murmured Jeff.

    Kevin folded his arms. “You guys are such downers! Pessimism won’t get us anywhere. We need to believe that we’re gonna find Atlas!”

    “YEAH!” Blane yelled. “We’re gonna get Atlas back!” he said, both he and Piplup raising their fists high into the air in a heroic pose.

    A brief silence ensued.

    Jeff stared at them. “Um… Right, but we’re not going to find him without a plan.”

    Just as he finished speaking, there was a small tremor nearby. Everybody looked over to see that Prometheus was hunched over with the side of his head pressed against the ground with his eyes closed.

    “Pro, this is no time for napping. Your buddy is out there!” Kevin exclaimed, walking over to him.

    “<I’m not ‘napping’, moron; I’m picking up vibrations in the earth so that I can get an idea where Atlas is headed.>”

    Kevin shot him a look. “Yeah, that’s what I said!” Kevin elbowed Jeff and muttered to him. “Wow, looks like he’s not as thick-headed as I thought,” he joked.

    “<What was that!?>” Prometheus snarled, peering over at him.

    Kevin froze and straightened up. “I said you’re really strong!”

    The Onix smirked. “<Damn right, I’m strong.>” He lifted his head from the ground and craned it towards the humans. “<I could beat a Steelix if I had to.>”

    Kevin folded his arms and raised an eyebrow, looking at the towering serpent curiously. “Is that what happened back at Dewford Cave?”

    Jeff wasted no time in backing away from Kevin, as he fully expected him to crushed by an angry Onix. To his surprise, Prometheus averted Kevin’s gaze and looked down the north end of the valley.

    “<…Come. Let’s get moving. I felt him go this way- towards the crags on the far end of this valley.>”

    “You can see that far?” Kevin said with some admiration in his voice.

    Prometheus nodded while continuing to look down the valley. “<Growing up in a dark cave helps. … Now move those thin and gawky limbs of yours and let’s go! You all can hop on my back to save time, but don‘t get too accustomed to this!>” he told them in an intimidating fashion.

    “You can sit next to me, Rache,” Kevin said with a grin while he climbed upon the Onix’s rocky back. “It’ll be a bumpy ride.” He cast her a wink.

    “Oh brother,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “You’re sitting in front, got it?”

    “<Quit hanging about! Let‘s go already,>” Prometheus ordered, glaring down at them.

    “What’s the rush, Blue-Eyes?” Kevin goaded.

    The Onix narrowed his azure eyes as he loomed over Kevin who still sat on his back. “<You have them too, you know,>” he pointed out.

    “Have what?”

    “<… That colour… of eyes,>” Prometheus said, rather uncomfortably.

    Kevin grinned. “I know. They’re sexy, huh?”

    Prometheus raised an eye brow and turned back around. “<And the rush is that my friend is out there doing who knows what? He could get himself hurt or in more trouble.>”

    Rachel, Jeff, Blane, Piplup and Treecko all hopped on and held on tight as Prometheus began to move and gradually gain speed. He kept most of the length of his body hugged against the ground, partially to accommodate his passengers, but mostly to detect any vibrations in the ground caused by Atlas.

    “Any luck?” Jeff impatiently asked, tightly clutching the serpent’s rocky form.

    “<Don’t rush me… but yeah, I can feel some aftershock reverberations. They’re going in a straight line; Atlas must be too focused on something to bother changing directions,>“ Prometheus responded.

    His passengers looked forward to see, at the end of the valley, a passage between two cliff faces. It was there that the grassland converged into a desert. Perpendicular to that was a continuation of the valley that led to the left as the cliffs began to rise higher and become more mountainous.

    “<Nice place…>” Prometheus murmured.

    “Yeah, it’s a great big maze for finding Atlas, but at least it looks nice,” Kevin joked.

    The Onix rolled his eyes. “<Lucky for us he’s headed towards the desert. Since we lived near a beach, as soon as he hits that sand his gut will tell him to surface.>”

    “Why?” Blane asked.

    “<Where we come from, sand means water. And the deeper you go, the wetter it gets. I hope I don’t need to tell you that we Onixes don’t like water much.>”

    “Oh, so you guys are afraid of water?” Kevin asked in a good-hearted, goading manner.

    “Kevin…” warned Rachel, holding onto Prometheus even tighter than before,

    Prometheus abruptly stopped and looked over his shoulder, or lack thereof. “<No, we’re not afraid of water! …We just have a healthy respect for it,>” he proudly replied, nodding before continuing to slither over the blades of grass towards the pass. “<What happened to him anyways? My buddy’s tough as nails; he wouldn’t do that over a few seeds.>”

    “<Want to put that to the test?>” Treecko asked, opening one of his eyes and glancing at Prometheus.

    “<Yes…>“ he answered. “<But later. Well?>“

    Everyone looked at Jeff, who let out a sigh of reluctant agreement. "Well, when something hits that gash in his face," Jeff said, pausing for effect as he gave a brief, over-the-shoulder glare at Treecko, "he goes wild. The Nurse Joy from Slateport said that it had something to do with iron and a nerve. I’m not really sure, but I have to treat it like once a day or something.”

    “<‘Or something’. That’s reassuring,>” Prometheus muttered.

    “So, I guess Treecko literally ‘struck a nerve’, huh?” Kevin said with a wide grin, which soon disappeared after being glared down by everybody.

    “<Right… So we’re here,>” Prometheus said, coming to a halt in front of the pass. Prometheus’ passengers jumped down to the grass below. They looked into the pass, which was a wide gap between two tall cliff faces- the cliff that went along the valley as it formed an upside down 'L' shape. Within appeared to be a vast desert of brown and golden sand which was immersed in what looked like a large sand storm. Waves of granules swept horizontally across the pass, hindering their view of what was inside greatly. Even without the sandstorm, they probably would have had trouble seeing the opposite side of the desert.

    “I’ve read about this place,” Rachel said. “The wind comes down on the opposite side from where we are and banks off each of the cliff faces on all sides of the desert, creating a sort of contained sand cyclone.”

    “So what’s that mean?” Blane asked.

    “It means if you like having unshredded skin, then there’s no way we’re going in there,” answered Kevin.

    “What?!” Jeff protested. “What about Atlas?! We can’t leave him!”

    Prometheus looked back at them. “<I can find him, of course. It’ll be no problem for me.>“

    “You can’t administer the medicine though. You might be able to get him under control for a few moments, but he’ll just break out into a rage again. You won’t be able to bring him back here by yourself.”

    “<I’ll find a way,>” Prometheus growled.

    “No. It’s not going to work.”

    “<I don’t remember when I started taking orders from a soft-skinned human who’s one twentieth my size,>” he snarled.

    “Okay, okay. Let’s settle down. We’ll think of something,” Rachel said, hoping to diffuse the situation before Prometheus got too worked up and did something that might crush them.

    Kevin eyed the backpack hanging from Jeff’s shoulders and a victorious smirk creeped onto his face. “Hey, Jeff? How did I hide the bags when that cop showed up outside of Mauville

    Jeff gave him a confused look, but responded, “You threw the bags into Prometheus’ mouth to hide them…” He glanced at Kevin as the blonde-haired teen’s smile grew exponentially. Jeff’s eyes widened with realization. “No… No no. No way! That’s not gonna happen! Not in your life!”

    “Uhh… Am I missing something?” Blane asked.

    "Well, Blane," Kevin began, "I figured out that a way for both Prometheus and Jeff to go- Prometheus to find Atlas and Jeff to give him the medicine- without Jeff having to worry about being torn up by the sandstorm, is for Jeff to be transported in Pro’s mouth.”

    Prometheus sneered. “<It’s ’Prometheu-’…>” He cut himself off as he backtracked to what Kevin had said. Like Jeff, his eyes also widened.

    “I don’t want to be in an Onix’s mouth!”

    “<I don’t want a human in my mouth!>”

    Their chorus fell on deaf ears. Kevin, Blane, and his Piplup all seemed to be stifling laughter. “You want to get Atlas back, don’t you?” Kevin asked between laughs.

    They both nodded and looked at one another tentatively. Prometheus sighed. “<Let’s get this over with…>”

    Jeff conceded as well and reluctantly approached Prometheus’ mouth. He cast a furious glare to Kevin. “You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

    Kevin’s chuckle was a full on guffaw by now. “You have no idea! …Quick! Toss me Corphish’s pokeball! He has to see this!”

    The dark haired teen ignored him and looked at Prometheus. The Onix slowly opened his mouth, with some embarrassment at the situation obvious on his face. Jeff meant to step forwards, but his limbs seemed to refuse. He stared with trepidation at the large serpent’s open maw. “<Get on with it, then. My mouth is starting to dry out.>”

    “That’s supposed to make me go faster?”

    The Onix shot him a glare. “<The longer we wait around here whining about it, the longer Atlas is out there in who knows what sort of trouble!>”

    Jeff nodded and quickly stepped in, staying close the beak-like part of his lip and keeping away from Prometheus’ tongue. “If you swallow me whole, I promise I’m going to make your liver my punching bag.”

    Prometheus chuckled slightly, sending a wave of hot air over Jeff, whose nose curled at the earthy smell of the rock pokemon’s breath. “Man, ever heard of Mentos?”

    “<I don’t know who or what that is,>” was Prometheus’ reply to Jeff. “<I’ll stop talking now so that there’s no… accidents… in there.>”

    The distraught teen let out a worried gulp as Prometheus closed his mouth, leaving it open a crack for Jeff to breathe from and peer out of.

    The Onix slowly slithered over the ground. He went through the pass and soon became engulfed in the sand storm. It didn't phase him however - only his sight and hearing was impaired. The waves of sand were thicker than any fog and the high winds wailed in his ears. Prometheus was forced to resort to his sense of touch, feeling for vibrations like he had been doing before.

    In every direction was airborne sand. It was so dense that Prometheus could barely make out the face of the nearby cliff. The golden haze of sediment constantly slammed against his rocky hide, but it did nothing more than ricochet off of it. The stone serpent carefully treaded through the sifting sands.

    “<I think I’ve picked up something,>” he thought to himself as he creeped through the treacherous desert.

    Jeff eagerly looked out the small slit in Prometheus’ mouth, but saw nothing but sand which almost blotted out the sun‘s rays as it flew about.

    “Where are you, Atlas?” he murmured as he attempted to ignore the Onix saliva drenching his feet while he crouched.

    Suddenly, a very slight, irregular vibration in the ground caught Prometheus’ attention. Without a second guess, he changed his course and turned on a diagonal angle. Sure enough, he could see a large hole in the sand, that was quickly filling in, and a trail in the sand leading from it that was undoubtedly from an Onix. Prometheus followed the trail which was being covered at a rapid rate by the storm and within less than a minute he could see Atlas’ silhouette in the storm of sand ahead of him.

    Prometheus slithered forwards and found his friend lying on the ground, unmoving except for the end of his tail which would occasionally whip against the desert floor. Sweat coated his body, dripping through the microscopic pores on Atlas’ rocky hide. The Onix took rapid, laboured breaths as if he was hyperventilating.

    Prometheus quickly opened his mouth and shoved Jeff out of it using his tongue. Before Jeff could utter any words, the Onix curled around both Jeff and Atlas’ head, creating an almost elliptical barrier to protect the human from the sand storm. The teenager scowled as sand stuck to the Onix slobber that drenched his clothes and skin. His annoyance, however, quickly turned to concern. He ran over to Atlas and stood in front of his face.

    “<Atlas? It’s us: Prometheus and Jeff. Say something. Are you okay?>” Prometheus asked while glancing over from his position of hugging the ground.

    Atlas’ bloodshot eyes opened slightly but he soon grimaced in pain. He attempted to slow his breaths and calm down. “<…Jeff? …Prometheus?>”

    “Yeah, we’re here. You’re going to be okay,” Jeff reassured, attempting to hide his worry as he swung around his backpack.

    “<…What…>” Atlas was forced to pause as he felt a wave of pain come back to his scar before leaving again. “<…What happened?>”

    “A stray Bullet Seed hit your scar and you went berserk again.”

    Atlas winced. “<Did I… hurt anybody?>”

    “<Nah. You just slithered off in a hurry,>” Prometheus answered.

    The pained Onix half-sighed in relief before taking to wincing again. “You’re going to have to try to stay still, Atlas,” Jeff told him as he readied the spray bottle of medicine.

    Atlas barely nodded in response. His eyes scanned the area as best as they could from his place on the ground. “<Where… am I?>” he managed.

    “In a desert,” Jeff answered, beginning to spray the medicine into the interior of the gash. The greenish paralyze heal medicine sent a cooling sensation through Atlas as it lined the wound.

    “<I’m not sure if this human of yours is brave or stupid for insisting on coming after you in a sandstorm like this,>” Prometheus said with a slight grin. Atlas remained silent, absorbed in his thoughts. Prometheus looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. “<…Atlas?>“

    The Onix shut his eyes tightly. “<…You came all the way out here… for me?>”

    Jeff grinned. “Of course, Atlas. You’re my friend,” he answered warmly.

    Tears entered Atlas’ eyes. “<Jeff… I have to tell you something…>”

    “…Atlas? Are you… okay?”

    A tear rolled sideways down his face and landed in the sand below. He opened his grey eyes slightly and looked at Jeff. “<Please… Just listen…>”

    Jeff nodded silently and placed a hand on Atlas’s nose. The Onix’s eyes strayed to the ground as he began. “<I was using you…>” Jeff stared at him in confusion. “<…Back when we first met. Outside that town… I purposefully slept near you and the others. I had heard about trainers back in the cave where I lived. I knew that they went by Dewford Island for the gym there. I figured you probably hadn’t been there yet… so you were my ticket back to the cave.>“

    Atlas shut his eyes and another tear made its way onto the sandy ground. “<…I needed to stop Cronus. What he was doing… I couldn’t handle it. Once we were in Dewford… I was going to abandon you… to go to the cave. And once I got rid of Cronus… I was going to stay there,>“ he explained shakily, his words dripping with guilt.

    The distraught Onix willed himself to open his eyes and stare at Jeff, who seemed to be in a state of shock. “<… You’ve been such a great friend to me, though. I… I don’t deserve your friendship, Jeff. I’m so sorry.>”

    “… I-…” Jeff’s attempt to say something comprehensible failed miserably. He was simply at a loss for words.

    Prometheus shifted uncomfortably in his place. He decided now would be a good time to interrupt. “<Here’s the deal, guys. First of all, Atlas, can you move at all?>”

    “<Sorry…>” Atlas responded, almost at a whisper.

    “<Okay, yeah, here’s the deal. I need to bring you out of here, Atlas, but I can’t safely do that while the human’s in my mouth, so we need to do this one at a time.>”

    “Bring Atlas first,” Jeff said, seeming half-lost in his thoughts.

    Prometheus stared over at him. “<Do you have a rock-hard hide that you weren’t telling us about?>”

    “Uhh…”

    The serpent was just about to let out a victorious snark, but his grin abruptly disappeared. He looked around for his tracks that had been made when he set out looking for Atlas, but they had been swept away by the sand storm. “<Groudon’s blood…>” he swore.

    “<What is it?>” Atlas asked weakly.

    Prometheus grunted and rested his chin on the sand. “<When I was looking for you, I had to rely on the vibrations in the ground that you made in order to find you. That was my only sense of direction in this thick storm. But now that we’re here, I can’t use you as a reference point… and now the storm erased my tracks.>” He let out a slightly embarrassed grumble. “<I have no idea where we are…>”

    If the mood could have gotten any worse, it just did. Atlas sighed and lifted his head slightly. “<You need to bring Jeff somewhere safe. There’s no telling what the wind will do.>”

    “<Yeah, great. I don’t suppose you see any caves in the middle of the desert, do you?>”

    “<No…>” Atlas’ gaze shifted to something behind Prometheus’ head. He even raised his head to look upwards. Confused, Prometheus looked behind him and a silhouette of something large caught his eye. A giant obelisk, of sorts, stood towering in the thick of the sandstorm.

    “<Great Groudon‘s tail…>” Prometheus said with astonishment.

    “Mirage Tower…” Jeff said, almost at a murmur, as he looked up at the sizable tower. He remembered learning about this tower on TV. They were doing a lot of careful digs and excavations inside and around the tower, though people who wanted the tower preserved and untouched in its entirety barred any further official digs.

    “<That seems like a good place to put the soft-skinned human while I take you, Atlas, and try to find our way out of here. Then I can leave you back with the others, come back for Jeff since it won‘t be hard to miss something like that, and then you can thump your tail on the ground constantly so that I’ll be able to follow the reverberations out of here,>” Prometheus explained.

    “<That’s a good plan, Prometheus. How does that sound… Jeff?>” Atlas asked, looking over at the teen, insecurely.

    “Uh… yeah. Sounds good,” he replied, still slightly distracted.

    Atlas’ eyes found themselves staring at the ground again. Prometheus glanced at Jeff. “<Get on with it then. The sooner we get you over there, the better. It’ll be nightfall soon.>”

    Jeff nodded and walked over to Prometheus, reluctantly jumping in his mouth again. The Onix broke his elliptical position and began to slither in the direction of the large beige tower, which the sandstorm made seem darker than it was.

    As they approached the tower, they saw that the tower seemed abandoned and relatively decrepit. It was stable enough, but Prometheus could easily destroy it by ramming into it, if he wanted to. The large dusty stones were cracked in some places and worn down by all the past sandstorms in the desert. Large dunes surrounded Mirage Tower, almost hiding the lower half of the tower, however its sheer height in comparison to the relatively low and level desert made it still easy to see. It loomed over even a Steelix at a full stand. Any traces of human or pokemon activity around archaic tower were long since erased by the sands sifting from the strong winds.

    Prometheus slithered around it until he came across an opening, which was really no more than a door-shaped hole in the wall at the top of three deteriorated stairs. Beside the door were some barely visible, word down glyphs- a language of which may have been lost in time. He moved his snout close to the door and opened his mouth so that Jeff could jump out and be immediately inside.

    “<Just stay away from the door and stay put,>” Prometheus ordered. “<And don’t go wandering. Understood?>”

    Jeff nodded and stepped to the side as Prometheus backed out and quickly slithered back the way he came. The human sighed and leaned against the wall. It was cool, as was the air inside the tower. Jeff’s eyes adjusted to darkness and he began to look around. The interior was made entirely of stone. Limestone, probably. The floor, littered with sand and dirt, was level around the perimeter of the walls, but there was a large excavation in the center of the room, about two meters deep that took up more than half of the room‘s width. In the far right corner of the room, he saw what appeared to be a stone staircase leading up to a second level. Having nothing better to do, he decided to go check it out. He didn't pay much heed to Prometheus' words since he was very preoccupied, so Jeff walked alongside the wall, going around the depression in the floor, which he presumed was created by archaeologists or palaeontologists.

    He ran his fingers along the left wall as he walked towards the stairs. The teen let out a sigh. “First Treecko… and now Atlas?” he mentally asked himself. “I try so hard to be a good friend to them… so why does stuff like this keep happening to me? Is it me?”

    Jeff attempted to shove the thoughts aside. “It’ll only make me feel worse if I dwell on it now. I should focus on where I’m going,” he thought, approaching the stairs and tentatively placing his weight on the first one. Upon being reassured that it was safe, he slowly made his way to the next… and then the next… and so on. He reached the top of the stone stairs and to his right he saw a wall leading from the side of the tower he was on, to the opposite one. Further down, closer to the far end, was an opening that led into a similar room as was on the floor below.

    The teen shrugged and decided to allow his curiosity to get the better of him. He walked down the dark corridor and warily approached door. Jeff halted in the doorway. In the center of the room was an excavation similar to the one below, but it wasn’t as deep because it wasn’t on a ground floor and it looked as if it wasn’t created by an archaeological team.

    Jeff suddenly heard scuffling from inside and he stepped forwards to get a better look. In the center of the depression, he could see the contour of something… something moving. He backed up and narrowed his eyes, leering into the dark of the room until he could make out a bit of the figure. To his dread, he identified the colour of the figure as a dense hue of purple.

    Two loud stomps could be heard as the silhouette turned to face him. The form was indeed familiar to Jeff. Way too familiar. A small, singular ray of light that made its way through a small crack in the wall and illuminated the creature’s face as it suddenly stepped forwards. The human saw the face of a Nidoking that donned an eyepatch over his right eye.

    “…Daggerback…” he whispered in shock.

    The Nidoking stared at him in shock, but soon a malicious grin crawled onto his face. “<Well… my day just got better.>”

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Author's Notes: Sorry for the long wait. School and a load of other stuff was keeping me bogged down. I'll post more frequently though.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 28th May 2010 at 3:23 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  23. #323
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    7,100

    Default

    Nice to see another chapter from you here, Griff. =D

    I enjoyed it - it felt like a steady chapter, there. More issues with Atlas there, and some confessions as well. Poor Jeff. XD I found the fact Jeff had to be taken by being carried inside the mouth quite amusing, heh, although it just strengthens my dislike for Kevin as a person (that and his jokes about...ahem, Onix. ;P) Nice way to get Jeff to the Mirage Tower as well, and I quite liked the ending there - good cliffhanger, to put it simply. And yet again: poor, poor Jeff. XD

    Also hurrah for Corphish yet again - he just continues to amuse like heck. I'm wondering what everyone else will do while he has to deal with Daggerback, and the two Onix go and find their way back...somehow.

    Corphish stood on the picnic blanket beside Treecko, who still sat leaning against his tails.
    IDK if 'still' is really needed there - you could probably delete it.
    “<Too bad,>” he replied, not even opening his eyes.
    'not even opening' sounds slightly awkward to me... maybe 'he replied, his eyes remaining shut' or 'he replied, refusing to open his eyes' or something would work slightly better? Minor but it seems a bit 'iffy' to me.
    He sneered at Kevin, not giving up yet. “Well maybe I’ll give Corphish a gun. You know how much he likes the Die Hard movies.”

    The blonde haired boy froze with fear. “N-Not cool…”
    Very cool! Very! XD
    She blinked again. “… Excuse me?”
    No need for the space between the ellipse and 'Excuse' there, I believe (especially as a few lines up you did that without the space as well).
    “Why do you say tha-” Jeff cut himself off upon hearing a series of cracks. He and Kevin looked over to see that Atlas had unwittingly crushed the open pokeball with his heavy body
    Needs a full stop at the end of that sentence, there. Also, when this occurred I knew stuff was going to go wrong again. XD
    …And shot them in an inconsistent, short burst… just as Atlas peered his face down into his line of fire. The seeds dug into his face and, worse, his deep scar.
    It's super effective!
    The distraught teen let out a worried gulp as Prometheus closed his mouth, leaving it open but a crack for Jeff to breathe from and peer out of.
    The Onix slowly slithered over the ground. He went through the pass and soon became engulfed in the sand storm. It didn’t phase him, however. Only his sight and hearing were impaired. The waves of sand were thicker than any fog and the high winds wailed in his ears. Prometheus was forced to resort to his sense of touch, feeling for vibrations like he had been doing before.
    'leaving it open but a crack' sounds a bit odd to me - maybe the word 'but' isn't really needed? Might need some consideration though...
    Add in that 'the' there, and faze over phase. I don't feel that comma is needed, although personally I'd reword that sentence and the one after and merge, maybe to something like 'It didn't phase him however - only his sight and hearing was impaired.' (Believe it's was over were in that instance as well?).
    He moved his snout close to the door and opened his mouth so that Jeff could jump out and be immediately inside.
    'to' is needed there, I believe.
    Jeff walked alongside the wall, going around the depression in the floor, which he presumed was created by archaeologists or palaeontologists.
    Needs that 's' there, I believe.

    Overall a fun chapter, and now I want the next one to happen sooner rather than later. But don't rush it or anything, I'll wait either way. =) Keep it up!
    Last edited by bobandbill; 24th January 2010 at 2:30 PM.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Dude, where's my Game Corner? Learn why you can't gamble in ORAS. =(
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.


  24. #324
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    Thanks, I'm gonna try to update more often. Heh, I figured I'd finally make good use of the "innuendo" I put in the rating on the first page.

    Heh, I agree. Corphish + Die Hard = awesomeness... and much terror for anybody nearby.

    Thanks for the review, bnb. I've been working on the next chapter.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  25. #325
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    62

    Default

    Hay! I love your stories! Put me on the pm list for when a new chapter is out if you have one... BUT I LOVE THIS. And, ps, just wondering, is Pyra Torren a digimon story? If it is, TELL ME! and link me to it. P.S. I can imagine what some other people would say if they saw daggerback again... 'WHAT THE F-* BOOOOOM*" lol. Also, does Jeff have corphish and treecko with him? Because if he does, where about to have some serious daggerback *** woopin. >
    "Is magic advanced science, or is advanced science simply magic?" Artemis Fowl
    Long Live Teh clan! lol.
    Long live this one too! lol
    Very tasty cookies :3
    Here's my favorite quote, i follow my life style by it.
    "Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." Voltaire

Page 13 of 15 FirstFirst ... 39101112131415 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •