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Thread: Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

  1. #151
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    Awesome Griffy, I especially love that Onix in a christmas hat...and lol,Corphish.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

  2. #152
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    Hahah, thanks.

    MS Paint hated the pictures I gave it so thats why theres a lot of white spots around them. The Atlas picture was also much smoother and there was more of him, but Paint cut out most of him too.

    Oh well, Happy Holidays and new chapter up shortly after Christmas!
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  3. #153
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    *Appears from behind that Dialga Vs Palkia Vs Darkrai poster you have on your wall*

    Words cannot describe how amazing this chapter was. I am simply gobsmacked. Your style of writing is incredible and the very potential of emotion makes most people seem to be very bland like a cliched villain.

    Without doubt, one of the best fics I've read, perhaps surpassing DJ.


    I reject your Nyancats and replace it with my own.
    FB

  4. #154
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    I have Dialga vs. Palkia vs. Darkrai poster on my wall?!?! And it has a secret portal in it?!?!?!?! o_O What the heck have those workers been doing to my room while I've been moved out?

    Anyways, yay another closet reader emerges!

    Wow, thanks for the great compliments. Surpassing DJ? Let's not go THAT far. xP
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  5. #155
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    All right, here's my review for the prologue. Considering how much I noted, I probably won't be as thorough in the future, otherwise I'll never finish this.


    Everything was a dark green and brown blur in my eyes. The colors moved around in my eyes,
    Ending two back to back sentences with the same word sounds odd and redundant. I suggest removing "in my eyes" from the first sentence.

    I was unable to focus while I sprinted. All that I focused on was running away.
    "I was unable to focus...all that I focused on" Um...if you can't focus, then you can't focus on running away. Changing "unable" to "scarcely able" or some other similar word could help this.

    I didn’t know WHAT I was running from but I knew that I had to run.
    This is your decision, but I'm not a fan of using all caps in indicate anything other than a loud noise or yelling in writing. Italics work beautifully for emphasis, IMO. However, for this sentence I'd just leave what untouched and in all lower case. Also, you need a comma after the word from.

    I knew I was being chased, I could sense it. Out of the corner of my eye I could see what appeared to be a moving shape… perhaps a figure, running beside me. It blended in with the forest but had a blur of red moving on it as it ran by my side, like there was a piece of the forest running with me. The red was the only way that I knew that it wasn’t part of the underbrush.
    So it could sense that it was being chased (("sense" indicating a gut feeling with no real proof)), but could see its pursuer? Something needs to change there. Also, are you saying this figure is running directly beside the speaker? Because that is what it sounds like, and that seems more like a race or companionship than chasing.

    I felt myself trip over a hard, unwavering root and fall face first into the bushes and grass. I lay in the ground, expecting the worse.
    I don't think fall is the right word here. If the speaker is really running as hard as I'm inferring, it's going to do so much more than just "fall". In addition, it would be "expecting the worst", not "expecting the worse".

    I used my right arm to try and crawl forward, grabbing at plants and weeds to help pull me along.
    Why just the right arm? Is there something wrong with its left arm? Personally, I'd be scrambling with everything I had if I was in this position, and I'd assume the speaker would do the same.

    The dim figure in front of me extended its hand. I tried to grab it but I couldn’t reach.
    Woah, woah, what dim figure? To my recollection, unless this is the being that was chasing the speaker, there is no dim figure. Either say "A dim figure" or add something to mention that it was there. If it is the pursuer, why is the speaker accepting the hand? I wouldn't accept the hand of something that just chased me through the forest like that.

    Behind them shined a blinding light.
    Shone. Behind them shone. Technically, I think both words are the past tense of shine, but shined is used primarily in reference to shoe shining, whereas shone deals with light.

    and smooth, natural skin.
    Natural? As opposed to...artificial? I just don't see how that word is necessary here.

    an innocent yet beautiful face.
    Using the word yet here implies that an innocent face would not normaly be a beautiful one. IMO, that's not true, but it depends what you want to say, really. I'd use and in this situation though.

    I heard whispers and high, raspy shrieks of the unknown creature echoing, coming from all around me.
    Just drop the words "coming from", it'll sound better.

    They gradually grew louder and I struggled, helpless.
    I'm probably not going to get this in-depth in teh future. But using 'and' here indicates that the speaker is struggling almost as a result of the cries, which isn't true, because it has been strugglign this whole time. I think "as" would keep everything correct better. I dobut many people would notice this, but still.

    I could see the insides of my arm: inside the gash were: still pumping veins and arteries, muscles which quivered in contraction, and exposed tissues
    What the heck are those colons for? I'm just gonna rewrite this section, since I'm not sure where to start on it. "The flesh was completely ripped from my upper arm. Pumping veins and arteries, muscles quivering in contraction, exposed tissues--I could see it all through the gash." That's how I'd do it, kinda. Also, in the line prior to these you say "I saw a gash appear", I don't think you'd watch the gash appear unless you were being cut as you spoke, so that should be changed a bit.

    “Oh, Arceus…my arm… its insides… ” I thought in terror.
    Personally, I don't think the quotes are neeed. Italicizing works well enough on its own. Also, I don't think "its insides..." is needed either.

    IT… did this!
    Either repeat "it" after the ellipse, or drop the exclamation point for a period or another elipse. There's nothing technical wrong here, but it just doesn't sound right when I try to say it with the right expression without the 2nd "it".

    There was echoing of screeches all around, I saw the glint of a metal blade in the very corner of my eye.
    "There was an echoing all around, and I saw the gling of a metal blade in the corner of my eye." "Very corner" just sounds odd. Maybe, "barely saw the glint..." would help express what you're trying to say.

    A horrible, piercing pain was felt in my head.
    Either I felt a horrible piercing pain in my head or a horrible piercing pain coursed through my head, or something like that. Right now it sounds off...not sure why exactly though.


    Also, the entire thing felt very choppy. Choppiness will kill a fic for me, and make it a bother to read. I'm already missing some of the joy of reading it due to my more in-depth reviewing style, having the entire story be chopy with short sentences that don't seem to just flow together into one idea the way they should doesn't help me enjoy this at all.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  6. #156
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    Thanks for the review it was really quite helpful. I'll answer some of the questions you asked.

    This is your decision, but I'm not a fan of using all caps in indicate anything other than a loud noise or yelling in writing. Italics work beautifully for emphasis, IMO. However, for this sentence I'd just leave what untouched and in all lower case. Also, you need a comma after the word from.
    I'd rather use italics for emphasizing as well, but there's a lot of people's thoughts in my fic which I already use italics for. So if someone needed to emphasize something in their thoughts then I'd have to resort to caps or bold. I suppose I could use bold instead, but I didn't want to mess up the consistancy.

    Why just the right arm? Is there something wrong with its left arm? Personally, I'd be scrambling with everything I had if I was in this position, and I'd assume the speaker would do the same.
    Thats a good point. But I think as I wrote this, I wanted to get across the point that his soon-to-be slashed arm was...effected, for large lack of a better word. I believe its based on, when in dreams where you're running, your legs will tend to give out.

    So it could sense that it was being chased (("sense" indicating a gut feeling with no real proof)), but could see its pursuer? Something needs to change there. Also, are you saying this figure is running directly beside the speaker? Because that is what it sounds like, and that seems more like a race or companionship than chasing.
    Admittedly, now that I reread this it DOES look pretty confusing doesn't it?

    The figure running beside him was not what he sensed was chasing him, it was something completely different. I suppose I should have made that clear.

    Woah, woah, what dim figure? To my recollection, unless this is the being that was chasing the speaker, there is no dim figure. Either say "A dim figure" or add something to mention that it was there. If it is the pursuer, why is the speaker accepting the hand? I wouldn't accept the hand of something that just chased me through the forest like that
    The dim figure was the entity running beside him, not his pursuer (who is beginning to catch up with him).

    What the heck are those colons for?
    One of those is a result of not proofreading. :P

    Also, the entire thing felt very choppy. Choppiness will kill a fic for me, and make it a bother to read. I'm already missing some of the joy of reading it due to my more in-depth reviewing style, having the entire story be chopy with short sentences that don't seem to just flow together into one idea the way they should doesn't help me enjoy this at all.
    Don't worry, the choppiness was intended for the prologue only. I did it in that style as most dreams are choppy (to me, anyways.) I'm pretty sure that there isn't much choppiness from then on (save another dream scene, but that one is done better.)

    All in all, thanks for the review, it was very helpful.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  7. #157
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    I'd rather use italics for emphasizing as well, but there's a lot of people's thoughts in my fic which I already use italics for. So if someone needed to emphasize something in their thoughts then I'd have to resort to caps or bold. I suppose I could use bold instead, but I didn't want to mess up the consistancy.
    I never cmoe up against that in writing myself, but the way I've seen other people handle that is to just unitalicize something in a thought to show emphasis. I understood it well, and it didn't create any confusion that I'm aware of. So you might want to consider that, idk. Again, it's just your choice.

    The figure running beside him was not what he sensed was chasing him, it was something completely different. I suppose I should have made that clear.
    Oh, wow. That would've changed things later on with that figure.

    Don't worry, the choppiness was intended for the prologue only. I did it in that style as most dreams are choppy (to me, anyways.) I'm pretty sure that there isn't much choppiness from then on (save another dream scene, but that one is done better.)
    Okay, that makes sense. Although, I'm not sure what other readers get, but I didn't get that dream feeling at all from the choppiness. I see how that works now that I know, but you have to consider if your readers will feel that without you having to tell them. Of course, with the way I read when thinking to review, I'm more likely to miss that kind of stuff, so who knows? I'm glad to hear it was on purpose though, cause otherwise I was afraid I was going to detest reviewing this, lol.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  8. #158
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    That's also a good point.

    I have a question, though. Are you going to review chapter by chapter or do one big review? Or perhaps something in between? Just out of curiousity..
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  9. #159
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    Probably something in between. Here's the first 3 chapters. I'll probably just give you the reviews for whatever I read in oen sitting, or whatever I read before there's another reply to the topic.

    Just as a note, I probably won't be as picky the further I get into this, as I'll be hoping you'll pick up on what you have the most problems with and whatnot. And if I start complaining about flow and choppiness more than I already have, it's probably partially due to the fact that I'm a poet, and sometimes a free verse poet at that, so I kinda live on flow, lol.

    Those are the words that Jeff heard as he awoke in a puzzled daze. Jeff twitched uncomfortably; this wasn’t the soft cot that he fell asleep in. He opened his eyes, revealing his iris to be green with a tint of yellow surrounding the pupils.
    I wouldn't say that "PIDGEO" was a word, IMO. Also, drop the second "Jeff" for "he". I know then you have to repeat "he" at the beginning of a sentence twice in a row, but I think that's better than repeating "Jeff" twice in quick succession.

    He squinted and he darted his eyes around.
    1)The way this is, you'd need a comma after squinted because it's a compound sentence. 2)"Darted" isn't really a word that has an object most times. I'd rephrase that part. Normally it'd be "eyes darted", but that doesn't exactly fit. Maybe "his eyes darted as he squinted"? That would also help with the repeated "he" at the beginning of the sentence, which leads me to another point:

    Try your best not to start/end sentences with the same words multiple times in a row, unless it's for effect. The redundancy makes things feel alot choppier than they should be. I know the way this scene is written it's kinda hard to avoid, but if you have to you can always throw in some nice description to break it up, or just rearrange it ((i.e., putting that bit about the light in between the two sentences that start with "he".))

    The pain did not return as he had expected it to, a few seconds later,
    although the sound “PIDGEO” still loudly hollered.
    This sentence sounds odd and is a run-on anyways, but you can't just break it up where it should be borken without things getting choppy. So you'll have to work through what to do there.

    His eyes darted to the window, which had a leafy tree branch brushing up against the glass. His eyes then looked to the beige wall of his room.
    Merge these two sentences, "up against the glass, then to the beige..."

    Jeff had many friends who are aspiring pokemon masters/coordinators.
    Unless you're saying that all of said friends are trying to be masters slash coordinators, don't put that slash in there, use "and" instead.

    Most of them [b]had[/b[ already set out on their journey during high school with their very own pokemon, and they had been successful at doing what they do best…fighting and showing off. Sure they could be jerks, but they were his best human friends, and they were always fun to be around. Only a few remained with him in high school for an indefinite period of time, but he knew that they would eventually all go too.
    Corrections/suggestions in bold.

    Besides, going out into the world knowing nothing of what’s coming and relying purely on your pokemon will nit only get you hurt but most importantly your pokemon.
    Check out the latter part of this sentence. A typo and a little oddly phrased at the end, missing one or two words I believe.

    The desk consisted of a backpack, a PC, old research papers about pokemon, and a cactus.
    Wow, that's interesting. I'd love to see a desk built out of that stuff. Lol, I think you get what I'm saying here.

    and picked up this odd twig,
    "This odd twig" = No. Just no. Okay, that's a tad harsh, but anyhow, it just sounds so...'not supposed to be in a well-polished fic'-ish. Also, I suggest moving habitually to before "let", right now you have it kinda tacked on to the end, and it seems kinda rejected and out of place. Also, move the next paragraph so that it's connected to this one.


    “Yo, Tyrogue, I’m finally going,” Jeff smiled to the superpower pokemon, who was the size of a child.
    That last clause seems out of place how it is; I suggest saying "child-sized superpower pokemon." instead.

    his starter pokemon. He hasn’t seen them in some time.
    Help your flow a bit by merging these with "pokemon, but he hadn't" and correct that pesky grammar error.

    Can you go ahead and add me to your PM list, if you have one? I don't remember if you did or not.

    Chapter 2

    Okay, quick note on how I like to do things, just to throw it out there. Not saying it's right or that you're wrong or anything, just figured I'd go ahead and put it out there. Regardign pokémon names: I personally wouldn't captilize them anymore than I captilize words like dog and cat, because in essence that's how they're used. Also, I find that the plural form of most pokémon names is easily formed in the sam eway the plural of moose is formed, but not changing it at all. Makes things sound right, IMO.

    Those are just my thoughts, picked them up from another author here whose work I adore, so I thought I'd share.

    Jeff decided to where a red t-shirt
    Cursed homonyms; it's "wear" not "where" in this case.

    As the scythe began to be brought down
    This is a little wordy and awkward, I suggest trying to rework this clause to make it sound better.

    The blade slashed from Jeff’s left shoulder, cutting diagonally down the bicep, the gash ending above his elbow.
    My suggestion: "The blade slashed Jeff's left shoulder, cutting diagonally down his bicep to end the gash above his elbow."

    He felt as if someone had poured oil in the cut before throwing a match into the gash.
    Change "gash" to "it". Right now it sounds like the cut and gash are two different things.

    Jeff dove behind this huge, lush, towering tree,
    Say "a" instead of "this", it works better unless you're standing there pointing at the aforementioned tree. Also, be wary of lengthy adjective strings.

    Jeff dove behind this huge, lush, towering tree, which had many thick branches attached to it. Jeff was bleeding profusely from his arm. He pressed his back up against the tree and looked over his shoulder to his right. Jeff could hear a rustling above him; he darted his head up and saw leaves move and then nothing. He was positive that Scyther was moving above him, but for all he knew it was just the wind. The giant bug was nowhere to be found. But then Jeff looked to his left and saw the sneering face of the giant green bug right in front of him.
    Read this paragraph. Pretty much every sentence starts with "Jeff" or "He". Try to fix that. And as a general rule, it's probably better to overuse the pronoun rather than the name; it's not quite as striking that way.

    The green reptile stared into the pokemon’s eyes, unflinchingly. Scyther raised and swiped its razor arm in a vertical downwards action. The targeted pokemon jumped out of the way to his side. The claw hit the ground but missed its prey. Scyther quickly reared its left arm to its chest before swiping it towards the jumping green and ruby lizard. The wood gecko noticed the blade and quickly bent his head backwards in the air. He narrowly missed a decapitation but he still sustained a minor cut on his green chin. He landed on one knee and paused, taking a moment to wipe the blood from his neck. The now grinning lizard extended a finger and retracted it in a taunting fashion.
    The. Scyther. The. The. Scyther. The. He. The. -- Getting choppy again.

    He tried to get up to walk over to him, but Jeff was in too much pain. Instead, he walked over to Jeff. Jeff’s face was overwhelmed with the joy of being alive and that of being saved by a Treecko. Jeff managed a shaky smile. With the beam, he outstretched his hand. Treecko grinned and closed his eyes. He turned around and, to Jeff’s surprise and delight, answered the gesture of affection with his tail. This was Treecko’s way of returning the handshake. Jeff’s green-yellow eyes met Treecko’s purely yellow eyes and the two grinned.
    And again, choppyish. Overused names/pronouns, and the "he"s got slightly confusing in there as well.

    The lizard said as the two shuck hands…err, tails?
    "Shook". And I'd say "shook hand and tail", sounds a little more...polished.

    There were more errors, but none too major, scattered about that I didn't point out. You might want to give this all a more thorough proofreading.

    Chapter 3

    He poked at it, idly, picking at the dried blood that formed a still trickle down his arm, like sap on a tree trunk.
    Kill all those commas, none of them are needed. I saw a few commas like this in the last chap that I don't think I pointed out, which might mean this is gogni to be a recurring error, so keep an eye out for it.

    Jeff turned around to look behind him while he walked, but he tripped over a large stick.
    "He turned around...but tripped over..." try that instead. It'll flow a little better.

    “HRAAAARGHHH!!”
    You ever try to actually say that? Not sure about you, but that doesn't feel too natural to me. You might want to try a different yell sound. If you have to, find a brother to hurt and see what sound they make. lol.

    looking at the severe gash, tied by white strips of birch bark.
    Another one of those commas that's not needed. I'll probaby stop pointing these out as much pretty soon.

    Zigzagoon nodded and gestured Jeff to follow him back into the forest.
    "nodded and gestured Jeff to follow" sounds really weird to me. But, aside from that, this paragraph stands out as one of your better ones. It flows nicely, and nothing sticks out as overused.

    The moonlight shined upon the Treecko,
    Shone.

    \“<Ok…anyways, my name is Tyrogue. It’s nice to meet Jeff’s two time savior,>” Tyrogue kidded himself through his teeth.

    “<Uh huh, I’m Treecko,>” he replied, without enthusiasm. Tyrogue was taken aback by this attitude, but he still tried to pretend to be nice.
    They call themselves by their species name? That's weird. It's like naming your dog, dog, or calling yourself human or person. Think about it.


    All right. Plot stuff now. Currently, I'm pretty disinterested in way of the plot. Seems mundane and overdone to me, but there's still time for that to change before I really judge it, so that's all fine. I'm sincerely hoping this doesn't turn out to be what it looks like though. Also, that treeco's human-like characteristics and mannerisms really bothered me for some reason. They just felt so...out of place I suppose.
    Last edited by SnoringFrog; 22nd December 2007 at 7:29 AM. Reason: added reveiws for chapters 2 and 3

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  10. #160
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    Wow, that's interesting. I'd love to see a desk built out of that stuff. Lol, I think you get what I'm saying here.
    Hahah, point taken.

    Okay, quick note on how I like to do things, just to throw it out there. Not saying it's right or that you're wrong or anything, just figured I'd go ahead and put it out there. Regardign pokémon names: I personally wouldn't captilize them anymore than I captilize words like dog and cat, because in essence that's how they're used. Also, I find that the plural form of most pokémon names is easily formed in the sam eway the plural of moose is formed, but not changing it at all. Makes things sound right, IMO.
    I'll try to work on the plural thing, but as for capitalizations, I'm too habitualized (is that a word) with capitalizing the pokemon names.

    They call themselves by their species name? That's weird. It's like naming your dog, dog, or calling yourself human or person. Think about it.
    Ironically, I get into this issue later on between two characters, but at this point I wasn't really sure about what I'd name him so I kind of kept it as is.

    All right. Plot stuff now. Currently, I'm pretty disinterested in way of the plot. Seems mundane and overdone to me, but there's still time for that to change before I really judge it, so that's all fine. I'm sincerely hoping this doesn't turn out to be what it looks like though.
    Don't worry, just about anybody who follows my fic will probably agree that it has an awful, overdone start but after chapter 6 or so it becomes much better.

    Also, that treeco's human-like characteristics and mannerisms really bothered me for some reason. They just felt so...out of place I suppose.
    You're not one of those people who only likes the animalistic portrayals of pokemon, are you? If so, I doubt you'll like what I'm going to be doing with the pokemon in this. It's guaranteed that the pokemon in my fic aren't "humans in fur" but they are humanized in it so that they have distinct personalities, emotions, and intellegence (although they're not THAT smart).

    If this isn't the case then do you mind describing what in particular so that I may revise it or take note for the future.


    Anyways, thanks again for the review.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  11. #161
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    Default Superb!

    Your writing is simply outstanding!
    I nearly cried when Treecko left Jeff, and the surgery moment really made my heart beat!
    Your fanfic is so well put together I wouldn't change it one bit.
    Please don't kill off Treecko! If you do I'll eat your soul! Believe me I've done it before; it was NICE!

    Looking forward to the next chapter!
    Ultimatallic's smart saying of the year:

    "You are young only once, but you can still be immature"

  12. #162
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    Haha, thanks. Just for that, I'll let Treecko live... a LITTLE longer... and also because I want to keep my soul xP

    I'll go ahead and add you to the PM list.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 22nd December 2007 at 10:42 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  13. #163
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    after reading through all the chapters i think it is an outstanding story.
    i enjoyed those emotional squeezing moments and the jokes that corphish tries to make
    i like the description of the landscape and all of the other details.
    i don't have much to say about what to improve on except maybe a little... more jokes :P
    j/k it has enough jokes :P

    Credit to MagicMochi for jolteon/leafeon banner.

  14. #164
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    Quote Originally Posted by Griff4815 View Post
    Haha, thanks. Just for that, I'll let Treecko live... a LITTLE longer... and also because I want to keep my soul xP

    I'll go ahead and add you to the PM list.
    There really isn't any point trying to compromise with you is there? And I think it would be too predictable that Treecko died since he has been injured so many times. Maybe you should let the characters have at least one enjoyable day. And don't forget about the thing that Daedalus snuck into Jeff's bag. *wink-wink*
    Last edited by Ultimatallic; 23rd December 2007 at 11:28 AM. Reason: why won't my spoiler appear!?!
    Ultimatallic's smart saying of the year:

    "You are young only once, but you can still be immature"

  15. #165
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    after reading through all the chapters i think it is an outstanding story.
    i enjoyed those emotional squeezing moments and the jokes that corphish tries to make
    i like the description of the landscape and all of the other details.
    i don't have much to say about what to improve on except maybe a little... more jokes :P
    j/k it has enough jokes :P
    Haha, thanks. There's always room for more jokes! xP

    PS, Nice avatar xD

    There really isn't any point trying to compromise with you is there? And I think it would be too predictable that Treecko died since he has been injured so many times. Maybe you should let the characters have at least one enjoyable day. And don't forget about the thing that Daedalus snuck into Jeff's bag. *wink-wink*
    Don't worry, what kind of person would I be if I killed him off just as they got back together?

    As for an enjoyable day...

        Spoiler:- :


    And, admittedly, until a few days ago, I DID forget about the thing Daedalus snuck into Jeff's bag. *hides*
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

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    A beach next chapter? Should be an interesting and awkward scenario...good luck with that.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

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    You're not one of those people who only likes the animalistic portrayals of pokemon, are you? If so, I doubt you'll like what I'm going to be doing with the pokemon in this. It's guaranteed that the pokemon in my fic aren't "humans in fur" but they are humanized in it so that they have distinct personalities, emotions, and intellegence (although they're not THAT smart).
    No, I don't think so. I realize that even if they are animals, they would have emotions and personalities and such, it's just that it seemed like the treeco was doing things I still wouldn't have expected it to be able to do. I get that's it's not your average treeco from teh way it behaved in saving Jeff and all, but I suppose the way it was able to communicate was bothering me for some reason. Idk, it just seemed too...unnatural. But w/e, it's probably just me.

    Chapter 4

    He pressed me against his chest; my blood stained his shirt upon a mere touch.
    I don't think that last prepositional phrase is needed, and actually, it might sound better if you drop the semicolon for a comma and just say "my blood staining his shirt." or "the blood from my wounds staining his shirt."

    I then check his pulse and put my head to his bloodied chest for heart sounds.
    1) "I then checked", 2) You kind of repeat yourself here anyways. I think you shoudl keep the latter half and scrap the first half.

    If he made me lose a potential friend than I swore I’d tear this lab inside out the next change I got.
    "then" not "than", and "chance" not "change".

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  18. #168
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnoringFrog View Post
    No, I don't think so. I realize that even if they are animals, they would have emotions and personalities and such, it's just that it seemed like the treeco was doing things I still wouldn't have expected it to be able to do. I get that's it's not your average treeco from teh way it behaved in saving Jeff and all, but I suppose the way it was able to communicate was bothering me for some reason. Idk, it just seemed too...unnatural. But w/e, it's probably just me.

    Chapter 4



    I don't think that last prepositional phrase is needed, and actually, it might sound better if you drop the semicolon for a comma and just say "my blood staining his shirt." or "the blood from my wounds staining his shirt."


    1) "I then checked", 2) You kind of repeat yourself here anyways. I think you shoudl keep the latter half and scrap the first half.


    "then" not "than", and "chance" not "change".
    Okay, just making sure you knew what you were getting into. I'll be sure to look out for unnatural means on communication/actions in the future.

    Oh, and Merry Christmas all!
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

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    Chapter 5

    “My goodness! What happened to you two?!” She asked, worried.

    “It’s nothing; we were on the receiving end of a Fearow’s beak, y’know kind of a male bonding thing,” Jeff replied, calmly.

    “Mom, this is Treecko. I decided on traveling with him before I walked out the door today.” Jeff admitted as he introduced them.

    “I thought you said that you were getting a Torchic!” Mrs. Growell said, disappointed.

    “Mom…never did I ONCE say that I was getting a Torchic! I wanted a Treecko ever since I saw my brother’s, when I was 15,” Jeff replied, truthfully.

    “Not even a Mudkip?” She yearned, “Your brother chose a Mudkip!”

    “No he didn’t! He chose Treecko…he caught a Mudkip somewhere after saving it… and that was nine years before this guy came along!” Jeff corrected, motioning to Treecko. “I’ve made my choice and I don’t doubt a single thought of it!” Jeff replied, irritated.

    To this Treecko smiled, smugly.
    Verb, adverb. Verb, adverb. While it does work well, try not to overuse the same format in sentences, it begins to stick out.

    changed into a pair of the same green shirt,
    ...eh?

    Treecko, who has now cooled off, forced a smile and motioned his head towards the door, obviously getting a little impatient.
    "who had now cooled..."

    Jeff nodded “We should really be heading off before we start bleeding on the carpet.” Jeff told his mom. “I’m gonna go say goodbye to Tyrogue and then we’re off!”
    He's not gonna take the time to clean up and such before heading out? I'd've thought he'd postpone travelign for a day to recooperate after that fearow bout.

    Treecko threw down his tail onto Jeff’s hand, slamming it into the dirt.

    Jeff cringed and yet out a sharp exhale. He with drew is dirt covered, aching hand from the ground. “Ok…we’ll go your way!” Jeff angrily told him through his gritting teeth. “I guess rock beats paper, too” Jeff mumbled as they began walking.

    “And for future reference, ‘Rock paper scissors’ is NOT ‘knucklebones’!” Jeff stated, still sore about losing.
    rofl. That's all I have to say, just plain rofl.

    Jeff and Treecko then sprinted to the Pokemon center 150 yards,
    An exact measurement seems very out of place here, to me at least.

    “Sorry, crap, are you ok?”
    I know this isn't at all what he's saying, but the way this is phrased and punctuated ((which is all proper)), it could almost be thought that he just called Kristie "crap" lol.

    “Yeah, we decided that it would be better if Treecko stayed out of a pokeball”.
    Move that period over inside the quotation marks.

    He tackled Treecko and the two began to playfully fight eachother on the ground.
    Comma after Treecko, space between each and other.

    The three rolled over laughing, while they wrestled.
    Comma should be before laughing, not after.

    Chapter 6

    “What the hell soes it look like?”
    Little typo there.

    Chapter 7

    Jeff raised an arm in an ‘L’ shape, indicating them to stop.
    This gave me more of a picture of the loser sign then what it was actually meaning, and I don't think indicating sounds right the way you used it here.

    Treecko boosted Corphish out of the cage before jumping out himself. Treecko then passed Daedalus over the broken bars to Corphish on the other side. Treecko jumped over and landed beside Corphish. Nidoking stumbled towards the three and he fell to the ground in between them, separating Treecko and Corphish from Daedalus. Nidoking tried to stand up, in between them and Daedalus. Treecko and Corphish ran at Nidoking and clothes-lined him, using their rope-tied arms. Nidoking fell back to the dirt, holding his neck while the duo made it to Daedalus. They put his wings around their shoulders, supporting him as they began to run.
    Weren't they tied together? Or did I just miss where they came untied? They don't seem to be acting like they're tied together atm.

    you could have gotten the other killed!”
    HOw about "each other" instead?

    Chapter 8

    They entered the first door on the right, which red ICU.
    "Read" not "red".

    “<Now we do the hokey-pokey and we turn ourselves around! We go win your badge, dummy!>”

    “<Yeah, that IS why we came here isn’t it?>” Treecko added.

    “You guys fight… so that I can have a badge? I don’t think so.”

    “<You know that a badge reflects just as much on the pokemon as it does the trainer. The trainer just wears it since us pokemon don’t have shirts!>”

    “<I’m actually agreeing with Corppy here. We want to win!>”

    “Are…are you guys sure? It’s dangerous,” Jeff asked again.

    “<We’re positive, damn it! We know what we’re getting into; you’re not conscripting us and sending us off to war!>” Treecko insisted.

    “Thanks… really.” Jeff smiled, touched that his pokemon would battle despite the fact that he wasn’t doing it himself.

    “<Ok ok, settle down. Besides, I’m fighting first!>”

    “<My leafy *ss you are! I don’t think you can take a gym battle!>” scoffed Treecko.

    “<I can take you!>” Corphish threatened through a grin.

    “Ok, enough! We’ll see when we get there!”

    Corphish scowled at Treecko, who coerced him through a triumphant, confident grin.

    Jeff turned around to Nurse Joy, who was handling a Sandshrew.

    “Excuse me, if Daedalus… the Taillow, wakes up, can you tell him that I’m out buying him some medicine?” Jeff pleaded.

    “Of course I will,” Nurse Joy responded

    “Thank you.”

    “It’s best if Daedalus doesn’t know that I’m out fighting in a gym. After that conversation we had I can’t face him if he knows I was trying to get a gym badge. Plus this way he thinks I’m doing things for others instead of selfishly getting a badge. I will give him medicine… except it will only be from my medical kit,” thought Jeff to himself.

    Jeff turned to his two pokemon and suggested, “Let’s get this done.”
    Wow, I wouldn't expect a trainer who was just a few moments ago immesnely concerned with his tailow's health to just give in so easily to that and go for a badge, especially since the poor thing almost died, from what you said. Also, I wouldn't have expected Treecko or Corphish to be liek that either, considered the tailow got these injuries saving their butts. Seems like this stories getting filled with selfish jerks.

    This just occurred to me, is Arceus a legendary? I've never heard of it, so I'm assuming it's a D/P legendary, the way its name is being used.

    “I overheard you talking to Nurse Joy in the pokemon center. You said that your pokemon had a run in with a Nidoking?”

    “Yeah… they were captured by him but managed to escape… why?”

    “That Nidoking has been causing problems for the people and pokemon native to Rustboro and its surrounding areas. Just recently he stole two fossils from the Devon Corporation.”

    Jeff tilted his head in response to hearing the name of the company. Then he remembered the massive building with the police tape around it.

    “The Devon Corporation is a company local to this city that creates many futuristic technologies… one of which includes a fossil reviver. The Nidoking broke into the company late one night, knocked out the guards and stole two ancient pokemon fossils from the lab.”

    “Ok… why are you telling me this?”

    “I want you to defeat… or even distract the Nidoking long enough for me and a small team of others to go into his territory and take the fossils back. If you can do that and make it out in one piece… you can not only have the badge but Rustboro City will be in your debt.”

    Jeff was shocked. “Debt? I’ll do it… but I don’t want any debt or anything… even the badge...”

    “Leave at nine-o-clock sharp! I’ll send the team in fifteen minutes after and I’ll meet you under the bridge on the far side of the river.”

    “Yeah, ok.”

    Jeff picked up Corphish and, with Treecko, walked from the rocky arena and past the sleeping security guard at the main desk. He lay strewn amongst donuts and many copies of ‘sports illustrated’. They opened the front door and headed off back towards the pokemon centre. On the way Jeff couldn’t help but wonder why she chose him to do this mission.

    “Why did she choose me? I’m an awful trainer… I can’t even keep my own pokemon from being taken and beaten up,” he couldn’t help but ponder. More thoughts crossed his mind. “What if I can’t hold him off? What if Treecko or Corphish end up like Daedalus or worse?! Why can’t they distract him instead of us?!”
    And here's another selfish jerk. If she overheard that, she probably should have noticed the condition his pokemon were in as well and realized that if he couldn't accomplish much the first time around, that sending him back was probably a bad move and very dangerous for both him adn his pokemon. I wouldn't have pegged Roxanne as being the type to acting like that. Especially not even giving him time to decide or waiting for an answer, and after seeing how horribly he commanded his pokemon in their battle.

    He swooped out from behind the shaded tree branched and began to peck at the back of Nidoking’s head, leaving bleeding cuts.
    How'd a tailow manage to do that? The hide on a nidoking should be better than that, IMO, but I don't think that's necessarily definite.

    I find it odd that the pecking and bullet seed seemed to be more effective that bubblebeam, considering nidoking are resistant to grass moves and weak against water ones.

    Chapter 9

    I must have shifted several feet away from where I fell asleep, in my sleep.
    That last phrase would sound better if you moved it to the beginning of the sentence instead.


    I'm still not caring for this plot all that much. But I said I'd review this, so I'll stick with it until I catch up to you at least. It's all just too, generic to me I suppose.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  20. #170
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    And here's another selfish jerk. If she overheard that, she probably should have noticed the condition his pokemon were in as well and realized that if he couldn't accomplish much the first time around, that sending him back was probably a bad move and very dangerous for both him adn his pokemon. I wouldn't have pegged Roxanne as being the type to acting like that. Especially not even giving him time to decide or waiting for an answer, and after seeing how horribly he commanded his pokemon in their battle.
    We could assume that she's quite desperate for his help. This is probably my fault, though, xP.

    He's not gonna take the time to clean up and such before heading out? I'd've thought he'd postpone travelign for a day to recooperate after that fearow bout.
    Heh, that's probably a good point.

    I find it odd that the pecking and bullet seed seemed to be more effective that bubblebeam, considering nidoking are resistant to grass moves and weak against water ones.
    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.

    I'm still not caring for this plot all that much. But I said I'd review this, so I'll stick with it until I catch up to you at least. It's all just too, generic to me I suppose.
    Heh, fair enough. I still appreciate the review, though. I do promise that there is a master plot other than collecting badges, but I haven't fully introduced that, yet or for X-amount of time.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 26th December 2007 at 4:30 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

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    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, that makes enough sense. I guess I overlooked that.
    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, maybe I'll stick around for it, idk. I guess we'll see.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  22. #172
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    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, that makes enough sense. I guess I overlooked that.
    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, maybe I'll stick around for it, idk. I guess we'll see.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  23. #173
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    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, that makes enough sense. I guess I overlooked that.
    I cant really say that one attack was stronger than the other in this battle. It's all how the moves were executed. Corphish was quite far away and Treecko was pretty close up.
    Well, maybe I'll stick around for it, idk. I guess we'll see.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  24. #174
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    (Decided to put it here both at Serebii and at PC for a couple of reasons. Don't know how often you visit PC and also sometimes Serebii's lags can be a pain in the butt...XD )

    Hey, Griff! Sorry for the long awaited review! Been really busy with other things. Okay, sorry this review is not indepth and breaking it into piece by piece like I did with Duncan's story, but there's a lot of other things I have to do and college is starting for me again real soon...nonetheless, I hope this review is still helpful.

    First, my impressions on the charcters. I think what I like most is the interactions between Jeff and his Pokemon. I love how it's not all Jeff and his Pokemon happy together and there were some complications. I also love how Jeff thinks about his Pokemon's feelings and also has thoughts about how they had pasts, families and friends, and homes of their own and how he took them away from them. Lastly, it's good that you gave the Pokemon characters some spotlight and have personalities of their own (favorite is Corphish, he's so cute and funny! XD ).

    I want to go a bit more indepth of Jeff and Treecko, though. At first I was worried about Jeff. Despite some good qualities of him like him caring a lot for his Pokemon, I thought he would never get out of his moping state. Gladthough he did after his Corphish defeated Keith! XD Treecko though I am worried. From the impression I got from him, he still gotten out of his "you stupid Treecko!" state of mind yet. True, there were some things that he did wrong but at the same time he kept saying stupid to himself. Also, I kinda wished that on Chapter 14 you write Treecko's thoughts on Jeff and such before he went to the Dewford Gym. When Treecko said to the Chansey that he's proud of Jeff, I wondered why he's proud from him and I thought Treecko forgave him really fast, with Jeff beating him up and putting him in the pokeball. However, I trust you though that little guy will develop slowly.

    Another thing I want to metion is the diction and word choice you used. There were times I was impressed of the words you used and how it flows the story nicely. A couple times however it made me feel a little uneasy. Here's a couple of examples:

    Was it because he chose to be stubborn and purposely a handful upon being assigned a trainer so Jeff wouldn’t want him anymore? Was it because of that tree he cared so much for or did he just hate the idea of being tied down with someone?Why would a bad-*ss like Treecko ever save him when he really didn’t care about him in the first place? Chivalry, perhaps?
    On the bolded part, true it's more of Jeff's thoughts as of why Treecko left him, but at the same time can't help but get this impression of the narrator saying quickly how Treecko are badd-*ss. Also that part irks me because of how saying that word in my honest ophinion sounds like unprofessional writing. Don't see any works with the narrator saying that (as far as I'm aware of).

    Jeff turned around somberly and looked up to see a guy his age with a blue track suit on make eye contact with him. It was Blane, the jerk with the Piplup. Jeff quickly pulled out Daedalus’ pokeball and returned him to its confines as Blane walked towards them.
    Even though what Blane did to his Piplup eariler isn't the wisest thing to do, I didn't like when the narrator said Blane is a jerk. It's a pet peeve of mine of how I don't like it when narrators straightout say Character A is nice and this Character B mean because it then leaves me the impression the author wants us to think probably Characters A and B are always going to be like that. In the bolded part I thought you were trying to point out how Jeff is all good and Blane is all bad. Maybe a few people reading think despite what Blane did to Piplup is not the best thing to do but he still cares about him in his own way. If it's of what Jeff thought of Blance then you could have reword it better than just straighout say Blane's a jerk, maybe something like, "It was Blane with the Piplup that Jeff thought was a jerk", or you could put of Blane a jerk in Jeff's thoughts.

    Yeah, long story short, be careful not to starightout say things like "jerk" and "bad-*ss" about a character and it sounds like you're forcing your ophinions of the characters to your readers. Usually readers have their own ophinions of who their favorite characters are and if they think their descisions or such is really drastic or not.


    One last thing, though it's more of comparing this to one fic I read. I don't know if you have read the fanafiction called "Lucki" by icemew/Farla (if you didn't then I recommend reading it if you have time as you might learn a couple of things...^^ ) While reading this, I was getting the impression that you read it and then learned from it because in that story the author also brought out some concepts like the relationship between trainers and Pokemon on and off battle, taking their home away from them and whether to let the Pokemon go back to their home when they wanted to, and why the Pokemon would join them. Ironically, that story also dealt with luck too.

    There's a difference between this story and "Lucki", though. The author wrote "Lucki" to moreso prove a point of how [i]both[i] the reader and the writer of OT journey fics missed some things like rooting a main character when in fact she's abusing his/her Pokemon without thinking back her actions and the readers did not notice it. In short, it's more of a "what writers shouldn't do and what readers should look for" story, at least from my impression when reading that story. (I admit too that I tend to miss things a lot when reading stuff, but's it because I made myself doing many things at once! XD ) You on the other hand, from the impression I get, wrote this story with the concepts in mind and have the readers think about them if they were in Jeff's shoes. Yeah, the reason I brought this up is how this is an OT journey fic but somehow you made yours a bit different then the other ones in terms of interactions between Pokemon and their trainers and what the author of "Lucki" has been talking about.

    So far despite the generic plot, I love the character interactions and how you protroyed their emotions. Well, I hope this interview helps somewhat and I can't wait for the next chapter! ^^


    Tumblr | FFnet | Author's Profile| Archive of Our Own | Banner: Umi Mizuno
    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


  25. #175
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bay View Post
    (Decided to put it here both at Serebii and at PC for a couple of reasons. Don't know how often you visit PC and also sometimes Serebii's lags can be a pain in the butt...XD )

    Hey, Griff! Sorry for the long awaited review! Been really busy with other things. Okay, sorry this review is not indepth and breaking it into piece by piece like I did with Duncan's story, but there's a lot of other things I have to do and college is starting for me again real soon...nonetheless, I hope this review is still helpful.

    First, my impressions on the charcters. I think what I like most is the interactions between Jeff and his Pokemon. I love how it's not all Jeff and his Pokemon happy together and there were some complications. I also love how Jeff thinks about his Pokemon's feelings and also has thoughts about how they had pasts, families and friends, and homes of their own and how he took them away from them. Lastly, it's good that you gave the Pokemon characters some spotlight and have personalities of their own (favorite is Corphish, he's so cute and funny! XD ).

    I want to go a bit more indepth of Jeff and Treecko, though. At first I was worried about Jeff. Despite some good qualities of him like him caring a lot for his Pokemon, I thought he would never get out of his moping state. Gladthough he did after his Corphish defeated Keith! XD Treecko though I am worried. From the impression I got from him, he still gotten out of his "you stupid Treecko!" state of mind yet. True, there were some things that he did wrong but at the same time he kept saying stupid to himself. Also, I kinda wished that on Chapter 14 you write Treecko's thoughts on Jeff and such before he went to the Dewford Gym. When Treecko said to the Chansey that he's proud of Jeff, I wondered why he's proud from him and I thought Treecko forgave him really fast, with Jeff beating him up and putting him in the pokeball. However, I trust you though that little guy will develop slowly.

    Another thing I want to metion is the diction and word choice you used. There were times I was impressed of the words you used and how it flows the story nicely. A couple times however it made me feel a little uneasy. Here's a couple of examples:



    On the bolded part, true it's more of Jeff's thoughts as of why Treecko left him, but at the same time can't help but get this impression of the narrator saying quickly how Treecko are badd-*ss. Also that part irks me because of how saying that word in my honest ophinion sounds like unprofessional writing. Don't see any works with the narrator saying that (as far as I'm aware of).



    Even though what Blane did to his Piplup eariler isn't the wisest thing to do, I didn't like when the narrator said Blane is a jerk. It's a pet peeve of mine of how I don't like it when narrators straightout say Character A is nice and this Character B mean because it then leaves me the impression the author wants us to think probably Characters A and B are always going to be like that. In the bolded part I thought you were trying to point out how Jeff is all good and Blane is all bad. Maybe a few people reading think despite what Blane did to Piplup is not the best thing to do but he still cares about him in his own way. If it's of what Jeff thought of Blance then you could have reword it better than just straighout say Blane's a jerk, maybe something like, "It was Blane with the Piplup that Jeff thought was a jerk", or you could put of Blane a jerk in Jeff's thoughts.

    Yeah, long story short, be careful not to starightout say things like "jerk" and "bad-*ss" about a character and it sounds like you're forcing your ophinions of the characters to your readers. Usually readers have their own ophinions of who their favorite characters are and if they think their descisions or such is really drastic or not.


    One last thing, though it's more of comparing this to one fic I read. I don't know if you have read the fanafiction called "Lucki" by icemew/Farla (if you didn't then I recommend reading it if you have time as you might learn a couple of things...^^ ) While reading this, I was getting the impression that you read it and then learned from it because in that story the author also brought out some concepts like the relationship between trainers and Pokemon on and off battle, taking their home away from them and whether to let the Pokemon go back to their home when they wanted to, and why the Pokemon would join them. Ironically, that story also dealt with luck too.

    There's a difference between this story and "Lucki", though. The author wrote "Lucki" to moreso prove a point of how both the reader and the writer of OT journey fics missed some things like rooting a main character when in fact she's abusing his/her Pokemon without thinking back her actions and the readers did not notice it. In short, it's more of a "what writers shouldn't do and what readers should look for" story, at least from my impression when reading that story. (I admit too that I tend to miss things a lot when reading stuff, but's it because I made myself doing many things at once! XD ) You on the other hand, from the impression I get, wrote this story with the concepts in mind and have the readers think about them if they were in Jeff's shoes. Yeah, the reason I brought this up is how this is an OT journey fic but somehow you made yours a bit different then the other ones in terms of interactions between Pokemon and their trainers aswhat the author of "Lucki" has been talking about.

    So far despite the generic plot, I love the character interactions and how you protroyed their emotions. Well, I hope this interview helps somewhat and I can't wait for the next chapter! ^^
    No problem with the lateness. I'm just happy you took the time to read and review it at all. :P I'm also going to post the review response in both places for the same reasons.

    It probably would have been a good idea to add Treecko's thoughts on Jeff, now that I think about it. I shall add that in when I can. :P

    Also, good point about the bias in narration. I'll have to look out for that later on, thanks

    Actually I haven't heard of the fanfiction "Lucki" but I'll be sure to read it whenever.

    I'm glad I could differentiate mine abit from the others, and you need not worry about the plot, it will [slowly] be fleshed out from the generic...ness of it xP.

    Again, thanks for the review, I really appreciate it.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

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