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Thread: Cabin Lodge

  1. #1
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    Post Cabin Lodge

    Yeah this is my first fic. I would appreciate a lot of critisism. Yup, lots of it. I hope you enjoy. Most of it is rated G but sometimes it's rated PG so yeah, child safe! I suck at prologue so yeah, ppl move.
    ~Contestshipping

    Cabin Lodge PG

    Cabin Lodge

    The story of how our characters spend their summer in a ranting wood, surrounded by great scenery, a lake, and the constant shouts of challenges.

    Prologue

    A girl named May Maroon was setting high hopes for her summer vacation with her friends, making sure that the EVIL SAMANTHA LISTER didn’t follow them. Now their in May’s parents van looking, playing, snoring and talking.

    Chapter 1
    The car drive and Cabin Rooms

    Our main characters have just left school, and are now on their way to Petalburg Woods. Their location is currently in the middle of nowhere trapped in a van with tiny seats and a whole bunch of kids who are dying to get out of the car.

    How long have they been traveling? About a week or so. Mr. Maroon got them lost in the Petalburg swamps.

    Though the long trip doesn’t seem to bother this happy camper. May Maroon is still as optimistic as ever, compare her to everyone else, she still got herself some pep.

    “Misty I’m so happy that we can get away from the city life and SL.” May happily cried out. “Misty, are you hearing me?”

    Silence.

    “Misty are you hearing me?” she asked again with an angry tone.

    All she got in reply was a loud snore.

    “GAH!!! Never mind. Gosh people these days are so stupid,” May groaned. She pulled her hair, bit her lip, and screamed out to the world how angry she was causing an explosion to happen in a field they just passed by.

    Never mind. She is as bored as everyone else. Poor kids and poor field.

    For a brief second everyone looked at her with wide eyes. She woke up Ash and Misty as well who looked at her like they were zombies.

    After a few moments she started to get annoyed at how the way they were looking at her. She also noticed that they didn’t blink which made her even more aggravated.

    “WOULD YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? IT’S GETTING UNDER MY NERVES NOW. SHEESH, PEOPLE THESE DAYS ARE SO STUPID!” she screamed at the top of her lungs causing everyone to look at her even more.

    ‘Oh man. Would they at least say something? The way they are looking at me and the silence is starting to bug me.’ May thought with a concerned face.

    “Hey! That’s not a nice thing to say!” Kiki threw a hot dog at May, and then squirted some mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup.

    “MY OUTFIT!!!” May screamed. She looked down at her red floral blouse to see it ruined with ketchup, mustard, grease and mayonnaise stains.

    “I sure would hate to be in her spot,” Zoey, Dawn, and Misty laughed.

    Almost everyone tried to refrain from laughing but they just couldn’t hold it. Now the whole car was laughing.

    Max wasn’t laughing as he was concerned about the road and where they were going, Drew wasn’t laughing because he said it was too kid like.

    May started to get extremely mad. Her face turned completely red, her fists were clenched, and she was about ready to kill all of them but Drew stopped her and stated one of his rude comments.

    “Would you all stop laughing? You’re acting like four year olds. I’m not laughing because I’m a man.” He stated openly while flicking his hair.

    Max started to give him the stop-saying-your-something-when-you-really-are-just-pretending-look. The rest of them started to look at him all confused. Of course Kiki started to laugh mischievously now.

    “Man huh? How do you like this?” Kiki punched hard on his arm. Drew started to cry. Everyone helplessly started to laugh. “If you were a man you would say something like fudge or I hate you Kiki,”

    The two adults heard what Kiki said and really started to get angry. “Would everyone please be quiet? Silence is golden, ya know, especially on the road. Kiki, don’t cause any trouble back there. Don’t make me call your mom to pick you up when we get there.” Mrs. Maroon twitched saying this. She did know that they were causing havoc back there. What she didn’t know is that they caused everything that had just recently been reported.

    “Awwwww, that is so not fair, I need fresh air, and usually my family is stuck in the house watching TV, playing video games, and on the computer. We rarely go out, after the incident ya know.” Kiki pouted, almost at the urge to cry because she mentioned the ‘incident’.

    After that speech all you could hear was a snore, a few video games, crying, and humming.

    Ash comforted her until she was normal. Then fell asleep like Misty.

    “When are we going to get there Mr. Maroon?” Max kindly asked.

    “In a few hours Max don’t worry, we’ll be there before nightfall,” Mr. Maroon replied, hearing a few groans after.

    Now our ten characters will have to wait a few more devastating hours of boredness. Paul was looking out the window, May, Drew, Zoey and Kengo were humming while reading a book, Kiki, Dawn, and Max were battling each other on Pokemon Diamond, and Ash and Misty were snoring even louder than a bear.

    A FEW HOURS LATER…

    “We are here everyone, move out!” Mrs. Maroon announced.

    Everyone piled out of the van to see the amazing scenery. There were three cabins, three paths leading to the other cabin groups in front of them, a lake, birds flying high, the array of greenery, and the DREADED PERSON THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T SEE UNTIL AUGUST, SAMANTHA LISTER.

    She walked toward our group and her face started to turn red.

    “What’s her problem?” Ash and Misty asked. They were extremely confused.

    Kiki and Max knew exactly what she was going to do and started to look at her with one of their looks. Dawn and Paul tried avoiding her and just turned her back toward them. May was just looking at her in total confusion. Zoey and Kengo left to go help Mr. and Mrs. Maroon unpack the luggage.

    “Drew, I.....I….lo….I LOVE YOU!!!!” She yelled right in Drew’s face.

    “Ummmm, I like you to?” Drew replied, completely horrified that a fan girl was here.

    Samantha fainted on the spot, shortly recovered by hearing Kiki scream.

    “HOLY COW!!!!! MY BARF BAG!!!!! I NEED MY BARF BAG RIGHT NOW!!!!!!” Kiki started to run around in a circle covering her mouth so that she doesn’t throw up on herself.

    “Here you go Kiki.” Her brother Max handed her the bag.

    Samantha looked at Kiki disgustingly and her crude behavior made her want to throw up right there, but since she was raised in a social household, she had to act like a young lady. She stated very disgustingly, “Drew I can’t believe you like hang out with these losers. They make you like look like a piece of trash. Why don’t you like hang out with the people that are at least social like ya know?”

    She started to point at Drew’s friends. They all had their mouth opens. Misty, was about to get out her mallet when Ash stopped her. Ash nodded his head in agreement that someone else should take care of Samantha. Misty carefully put the mallet away and just watched.

    “HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF US YOU PIECE OF BULL CARP!” Kiki was getting very angry; she grabbed her fire extinguisher from her backpack and started to swing it. “WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF US, I HAVE THE TENDENCY TO KILL!”

    May, Ash, Misty, Max, Dawn, Paul, Max, and Drew started to back away slowly from the scene. But they couldn’t help seeing Samantha from getting killed, so they found a place behind a berry bush where they could still see it from without being hurt.

    Zoey and Kengo were almost done helping Mr. and Mrs. Maroon unpack the luggage when they couldn’t help spotting Kiki and one of her lethal ‘weapons’ in her hands. They ran to the scene and tried to ask everyone else what was happening.

    After they gained the information, they tried to stop the fight. “Kiki I want you to put that bloody thing away. This is a non-bloody and peaceful place. You can settle this somewhere but not here. What?!? She called us losers! Never mind, swing that bloody thing around and tally ho!” The twins departed from the scene.

    A few moments later, after all the luggage was placed into their cabins, Mrs. Maroon spotted the group of kids. She walked over there and reminded them that they shouldn’t fight and told our group to report to Mr. Maroon.

    The group scurried to the area where Mr. Maroon was standing. Most of them were extremely confused in what was happening, others were just following what they were told.

    “Kids here are the people that are in cabin one, Drew Mint, May Maroon, and Max, Kiki, and Ash Ketchum. In Cabin two, Dawn and Paul Shizuki, Zoey and Kengo Toketa, and Misty Waterflower. Cabin three is where my wife and I will sleep.” Mr. Maroon announced.

    “But why can’t I sleep with you and mom?” May questioned. She really didn’t want to sleep in a cabin filled with boys and a girl that could peek through her stuff.

    “There is only one bed that can fit only two people so sorry, unpack your stuff, change into your pajamas, then go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow, the challenge is going to start and we don’t want to miss what it is going to be.”

    May pouted. She really didn’t want to share a room with Drew because he could look through her stuff and she didn’t want to be with the Ketchum’s because they could look into her diary. She just smiled warmly at her cabin mates and pulled her stuff inside.

    In Cabin two...
    They did what they were told and fell asleep instantly.

    In Cabin three...
    Same thing as Cabin two

    In Cabin one...
    Both May and Drew pulled out their journals to write something in there. Kiki, Max, and Ash were playing with their handhelds. After May and Drew were done writing, they slept. Little did they know that the Ketchum’s were awake just to read their journals.

    May’s: I’m so happy that I’m sharing a room with Drew. I want to tell him how I feel, but I scared he’ll reject me. And with Samantha around, it’ll be really hard. I want him to just know, but the way he responded with what Samantha said made me angry. Please don’t fall in love with Samantha, please Drew.

    Drew’s: I can’t believe a fan girl is here. I hope that what I said is going to help shut her freaking mouth up. I’m really happy that I’m sharing a room with May. I had a crush the first time I saw her and I really want her to know. I’m really afraid she’ll laugh at me and then spread a rumor so all the fan girls kill me. Oh, please god, give me a chance to tell her, please.

    “What are you going to do now Kiki, Max?” Ash looked at them with his you-are-not-going-to-do-what-I-think-you’re-going-to-do look, very concerned that they were going to get rid of Samantha.

    “No we are not going to get rid of Samantha, we’ll do this the fun way,” The twins said in unison. There was a sparkle in their glasses.

    “Oh no, don’t tell me that you also got Tomoyo and Eriol to come,” Ash groaned, knowing that they would cause a HEAP of trouble doing it the fun way.

    “Yes we did, but hold on before we sleep; I have something to show to both of you.”

    Kiki pulled out the laptop, typed in something, then turned it around to face the two brothers.

    “I was able to make a site for May and Drew which equals contestshipping. This site lets me monitor what people think around the globe about these two. The places where most of the remarks are from are Japan and the USA. Another place is right here in Petalburg I.S.D. everyone says they make a great couple. There are a few of Drew’s fan girls that visited the site and left in the guestbook a very disturbing message. I spammed them and I was able to report them. This will definitely would come in handy don’t you think? Now then let’s sleep; we will need the extra energy for tomorrow.” The three of them slept, they were excited about tomorrow.
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 21st August 2007 at 4:36 PM.

  2. #2

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    I believe a Prologue would consist of a lot more than 2 sentences. Too short of a prologue, and could have easily been added to the introduction summary.

    “HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF US YOU PIECE OF BULL CRAP!” Kiki was getting very angry; she grabbed her fire extinguisher from her backpack and started to swing it.
    Corrected spelling mistake there.

    There are certain moments in this fic, where the events seem totally random. Like who brings a fire extinguisher on a trip like this?

    However those moments, {espicially this one} are somewhat amusing.


    A little bit of information on the characters themselves would be little appreciated, since I assume this is a AU story.

    I don't know what to make of this, to be honest. It is decent in it's own way, and here and there, it has it's humorous moments.

    I'll keep reading, and I have high hopes for this story.

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Well I agree with Standard Writer that your prologue is short. Some areas you forgot to use the same text and you have some spelling mistakes. Add some more description in your story and try to make your sentences unless they are for suspense or something like that.

    You plot IS somewhat amusing, especially with Sammy in it! lol lol XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD. And that you made Max and Kiki as Ash's siblings is very creative. Adding Cardcaptors into the plot would be rather interesting as well! You have a good taste of humour and that I like, obviously by my trademark tag line.

    You just do what I have said above and you'll be fine. And believe me, keeping the right tense is a hassle, especially when you are a total noob at creative writing like me. ^_^; But I think you can do it - so I'll keep on R&Ring and see more of me Laters!

    Keep Smiling!

  4. #4
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    Standard Writer- Thank you for the critisism. I appreciate it. Though you are wrong about the spelling mistakes. She is supposed to say carp. That is just how it goes.

    anime aficionda- Yup, i suck at prologues.^_^; Yes the critisism is really helping, a lot. Thanks for the comment on my humour. My creativity goes way beyond, by the way.

  5. #5
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    Talking

    Glad that I could help! And you don't suck at Prologues. You should of seen the first one I ever did! You don't even wanna go there! ^^;

    And again with the humour, I just wanted to say that it's funny again, seeing as though i'm a smiley person. And the random moments with the fire extinguisher! lol! Oh, and with Misty's red mallet! Go the holy RED mallet!!! GO RED!!!

    Anyways, can't wait till ur nxt chappie and Keep Smiling!

  6. #6
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    Hey it's me like promised =D

    Ok, well first off this really short, I know it's just the prologue but it should be longer. I think you can manage to fix that yourself right? :]] Next, you do have a very amusing story line here, I figure you are going for the comedy edge over angst or drama.

    Next, I think some of this is confusing, like who's talking, where they are, what's happening etc. Just try to make it clear what's going on or you're going to lose interest.

    Finally, your biggest problem would probuly be description. Everything was very vague, which makes it harder to visualize everything happening. That's probuly what you need to work on the most, because if the readers can't picture it perfectly in their mind, it makes it hard to read the story.

    Overall, I think this is a really promising story because I like the humor, and it's unique which gives it potential. Just PM me when you post the next chapter so I can review again ok? :]]
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    well RAISE a finger
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