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  1. #1
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    Default Lost Evolution

    Evolution is a battle.
    Something has to lose.

    My name is elyvorg, and this is my first foray into the realms of fanfiction writing. I'm hoping that the concept for the plot of this fic is something quite original, but I'm not sure and I'm not one to judge. Anyway, feel free to review, and be as harsh as you want; if you don't like it, I'll get over it and improve.

    This fic is rated PG13 for possible violence and possible mild language. To be honest though, it's just for safety as I don't know how much violence or how much language warrants a higher rating. Oh, and I don't own Pokemon, just in case anyone wanted to sue me or something.

    PM List
    [ Dragonfree ; Griff4815 ; Becoming ; Noheart ]
    [ Darkfall ; Altissimo ; Glaceon2000 ]

    Chapter List
    Prologue (this post)
    Chapter 1: Interruption
    Chapter 2: Life Changing
    Chapter 3: Friend or Foe?
    Chapter 4: Intrusion
    Chapter 5: Lost and Found
    Chapter 6: Aftermath
    Chapter 7: Fiery Passion
    Chapter 8: Unrequited Rivalry
    Chapter 9: Head in the Sand
    Chapter 10: Greed
    Chapter 11: Tarnished Bonds
    Chapter 12: Turning Soft
    Chapter 13: Separate Paths
    Chapter 14: Choices
    Chapter 15: Hope
    Chapter 16: Rest and Recuperation
    Chapter 17: Stalkers
    Chapter 18: Confrontation
    Chapter 19: Human Nature
    Chapter 20: Finish Line
    Chapter 21: Revelations
    Chapter 22: Surrender
    Chapter 23: Turnaround
    Chapter 24: Resolution
    Chapter 25: Pursuit
    Chapter 26: Wildest Fantasies
    Chapter 27: Trickster
    Chapter 28: Hopeless Fight
    Chapter 29: Prelude
    Chapter 30: Another Perspective
    Chapter 31: Escape
    Chapter 32: Direction
    Chapter 33: Inside

    So without further ado, here's the prologue.

    Prologue

    There was no hope. She was the last.

    She felt the wind rushing through her wings as she soared high above the world. Below her was a rippling ocean, infinitely wide, infinitely deep. Glancing behind her, she saw the forested island which she had grown up on fading into the distance. She was safe. They could not pursue her now.

    She could not remember a life before Them. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, They had struck fear into her. Each day she knew not whether she would wake up to find her parents dead, killed by a pointless act of hate. And one dreadful day, she had. They had spared her, for she was a child, so much like Their own children in so many ways. Yet she differed completely from Them now.

    As she had grown up, she had noticed fewer and fewer others like her and far more like Them. It was only to be a matter of time before They wiped out her kind completely. She had become increasingly lonely as the years wore on, the number who shared her pain dwindling. Eventually, there came a point where she knew, she simply knew in her heart that she and her mate were the last pair. Then They had come and taken his life. She had recognised one of the killers; he had been her best friend during childhood. But he was one of Them now, as was his fate from the moment he was born.

    With her mate, the penultimate one, dead, she was alone.

    Bringing herself back from the painful memories, she surveyed the vast expanse of blue below her. None of her kind had ever flown this far out before; they would not have had enough stamina to reach anywhere, or to fly back. But she had no intention of reaching anywhere. She had no intention of flying back. She only wished to escape from the oppression she had been born into and savour her gift of flight one last time. And she knew she would die out here, drowning in the cavernous depths of the ocean. That was the way she wanted it: natural, not brutal and sudden like the death of her mate. Not at the hands of Them.

    The great plain of water looked closer now. Her wings were tiring; she was losing height. For the last ever time in her life she marvelled at how exhilarating it was to fly, rushing through the air with no regard for gravity, no limits. The freedom, the incredible feeling of going anywhere she wished, of not being tethered to the ground.

    She was so low that she could almost dip her head and taste the salt water. Her exhausted wings strained to beat more, to lift her up so she could fly for just a moment longer. But it was no use. Her power of flight was failing, a power gained upon evolution for her kind.

    Evolution, she thought, laughing humourlessly. All of this is evolution’s fault.

    With the last of her strength, she powered herself downwards through the water’s surface, sending up a spray of white frothing foam. For a moment that spot was stirred into a frenzy, the liquid bubbling and thrashing about. Then the ripples subsided, leaving the ocean calm, flat and empty once more.

    ~~~

    Last edited by elyvorg; 28th July 2014 at 9:08 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  2. #2
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    Oh My Goodness!!!

    Elyvorg, I never ever expected you to move to the Fan Fiction forum. This is my favourite forum, I prefer reading over critting sprites, although the Fan Sprites section is quite nice.

    Well anyway, I'll review, because, well, I like the title First of all, I am kind of curious who this pokemon is; my first thought was Grovyle because everyone knows your love for Grovyles and 'Them' could be the Sceptile , but, because I don't remember Grovyle's bunch of leaves attached to its arm enabling it to fly, that option was scrapped.

    Seeing as I have no idea what pokemon it could be, I hope it isn't dead and we will somehow find out who it was and what it was involved in. Although I do have to say that she sounds pessimistic, although that could be caused by everything that had happened to her.

    Description was fabulous, I'm very jealous of you now, I know only a few authors who can describe happenings, emotions and places so well, congrats on that! And although it was described well, I have no idea where the pokemon was or where it came from.

    Grammar was great, even if it was a short piece I didn't find any spelling mistakes or redundant wording. My jealousy is begining to increase

    You are a great spriter and an even greater writer, I'd say, congratulations of entering a well written story for your first time.

    I often highlight particular thinks that stood out, were very impressive, or simply amusing:

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    But she had no intention of reaching anywhere. She had no intention of flying back. She only wished to escape from the oppression she had been born into and savour her gift of flight one last time. And she knew she would die out here, drowning in the cavernous depths of the ocean. That was the way she wanted it; natural, not brutal and sudden like the death of her mate.
    This was touching, for her to look so peacefully at death

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Not at the hands of Them.
    I'm quite curious, who are 'Them'?

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    For the last ever time in her life she marvelled at how exhilarating it was to fly, rushing through the air with no regard for gravity, no limits. The freedom, the incredible feeling of going anywhere she wished, of not being tethered to the ground.
    Beautiful choice of words, simply gorgeous

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    this was my review, very sorry for not having any crit. it just seems too good for me, but, as everyone knows, there's always room for improvement

    'till next chapter,

    ~Aimi Hanako~
    Searching for Inspiration...

  3. #3
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    I believe this is an appropriate time for you to win the internet.

    This is very beautiful, from the descriptions to the emotion you can almost feel pouring from the page. I wish I could say more at this point but there's nothing to say really. Welcome to fanfiction and don't you dare leave. I am really really looking forward to seeing what you can produce.


    Although a bit more description could be used, we have no idea what time of day it is which is actually important.

    She surveyed the vast expanse of blue below her.
    Provided it's daytime there's a vast expanse of blue above her as well. Differentiating between dark blue or blue so dark it was black or greenish blue ( depending on what sort of ocean she's flying over) give the story a bit of a feel for it. Also what's in the sky? Star? Clouds? Nothing?

    All in all i can't wait for the next chapter.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=455057
    ^ The culled
    They say ignorance is bliss, they're wrong.

  4. #4
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    This is very good fic I can see that this hasd a lot of potential, good luck weith the rest.

  5. #5
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    It was beautifully written. I think the description could do with a bit more lexis, but aside from that I liked it.
    It could easily by the beginning or the ending of the story, we could be taken back in time and see the events unfold, or we could see the future when... This Pokemon gets her revenge.

    It's a unique aspect as far as i'm aware, and I can see the potential it carries. The prologue alone contains many hints at themes that may well play out throughout the story, like the "Not being tethered to the ground" line, a subtle hint at following ones dream, or breaking free from constraint, breaking the mould? Maybe all of those.

    With the last of her strength, she powered herself downwards through the water’s surface, sending up a spray of white frothing foam. For a moment that spot was stirred into a frenzy, the liquid bubbling and thrashing about. Then the ripples subsided, leaving the ocean calm, flat and empty once more.
    My favourite line as it was so simple, subtle, and beautifully delivered, the way you describe that thrill she has right before her 'death', the way she struggles to hold onto life, just to feel the freedom, really strengthens the character as one who's lived a life of fear and imprisonment.

    She doesn't want to put off her death because she's scared, she simply want's to feel that freedom for as long as she can, enjoy the feeling of easiness, that carefree bliss, for just a second more...
    And then it's over. ( ?) Quite tragic really, but somethign tells me she'll be back, after all she is an...

    *Is now made to hush. :3*

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
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  6. #6
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    Oh, wow, how very sad. I am intrigued, though. Is it a *Is bleeped out by an annoying, interfering god*
    The freedom, the incredible feeling of going anywhere she wished, of not being tethered to the ground.
    A feeling we all want to experience :3 This fic is great, no real mistakes I can point out that hasn't been already.
    Last edited by ~Neon~; 1st September 2007 at 10:16 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Persona 4
    A ploddingly-written romantic novel about a girl on her first day of school in a new town. Vampires are involved.

    ...The content of this book is almost physically painful for you to read.
    Bishie: Italy from Axis Powers Hetalia ^.^ I can share him with Germany~
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    Speaking of Oz...

  7. #7
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    ...

    Wow.

    I wasn't expecting such positive feedback so early on.

    Aimi Hanako - As soon as I realised you reviewed fanfics I'd been hoping you'd notice mine and review it. Thanks a lot, and don't feel bad that you didn't have anything to crit - picking out highlights helps just as much as I can try to put more of that into the next chapter.

    I'm going to be keeping quiet about the identity of "her" and "Them" until it becomes obvious in the story; otherwise there'd have been no point me being this mysterious for the prologue. Rest assured it will become apparent quite soon.

    Ladyumbra - I guess I forgot about the sky. I didn't really consider the time of day that important when I wrote it but I guess now that it'd actually be useful to know. However, I'd like to keep my chapters unedited apart from any grammar/spelling errors, just so I can see my improvement as I go along. But I'll be sure to try and add more description like that in the first chapter. My emotion was good, eh? Funny, I kinda thought it was lacking a bit.

    Also;
    Welcome to fanfiction and don't you dare leave.
    I LOVE that sentence. ^^ Thanks so much for the warm welcome.

    latioslegends - That REALLY does not help. It's nice to know you like it but I need things that will help me improve; tell me what you liked, what you disliked, what you thought I could have done better. You should get advice on how to review fics or stop trying to do so at all.

    Darkfall - Damn right you'd better hush. xD I get the feeling that I really did well with "her" emotions, so rest assured I will try to make this fic full of emotion. And I'll try harder with description vocab - like you mentioned on msn, similes should be good, right?

    The prologue alone contains many hints at themes that may well play out throughout the story, like the "Not being tethered to the ground" line, a subtle hint at following ones dream, or breaking free from constraint, breaking the mould? Maybe all of those.
    Hmm, you seem to be reading between the lines a bit too much there.

    Edit: Bao Dragonite (you posted just as I was posting this) - Like I said, "her" identity isn't to be hinted at at all until it becomes apparent. And yup, I wanna fly too. I hope the short review is because of the short prologue, rather than it being your norm; I'd like as many good reviewers as I can get.

    Anyway, thanks for the review to those who did so and I wouldn't say no to more.

    *runs off to fix up Chapter 1*
    Last edited by elyvorg; 1st September 2007 at 10:08 AM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  8. #8
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    There's not much new that I can bring to the table. The detail was very awesome and the prologue set up for the first chapter very well. I can post a better review once I see the first chapter and welcome to the fanfic forums.
    Digimon Club
    Chapter 14 of A Dragon in Shining Armour is up.

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    Banners by Sworn Metalhead ^ and Anastasia R. v ----pairs with Diamondpearl876
    Claimed: Grovyle (6/30/10) and a second time (11/10/13).

  9. #9
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    Well, first off, I must say - welcome to the Fan-Fiction Forums!!!
    Okay, that done, I just wanted to thank you for reviewing my fic, your comments were really helpful. So, I decided to take a look your fic in return out of common courtesy. Looks like I was in for a nice surprise.

    Your imagery was beautiful, like pictures painted with words. Absolutely delicious. That was my most favorite part of your writing, and I think you have a knack for that. Imagery is always important when writing a fic, and for your skill to be at a point where you could almost visualize everything as though they were in real life is utterly amazing.

    Emotions were portrayed beautifully as well, and you could feel what the main character was going through. What was the word? ......empathy. That's it. You wrote this so well I could empathise with your character as if I was in their shoes. It's quite difficult to do that, and for being able to do it so well my respect for you is great.

    There were no grammar errors as far as I can see, and if I was going to criticize your fic it would be the description, as I think you can lengthen them out and go into a bit more detail. Also the length was rather short, but that's probably because it was a prologue. Overall, this is turning out to be quite the fic, and I plan on sticking to it until the whole story plays out. Count me in as a reader, friend . You have a lot of potential both as an author and a reviewer, so I hope you stay here at the fanfic forums.


  10. #10
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    Default Chapter 1: Interruption

    Griff4815 - Thanks, and I understand that the prologue is a bit short to properly review.

    Ankokuryu - It's nice to hear that my imagery is good, especially as that wasn't something I consciously aimed for. As for the emotions, I've started Chapter two, the first part of which is filled with emotion, which is not only hopefully effective for the readers, it's also incredibly fun to write. And I use empathy? Heh, that's a coincidence - you'll see why when you read Chapter 1, which, incidentally, is now done.

    Quick note before I post the chapter: for anyone who has reviewed here so far and has a fic of their own, I will try and review it at some point.


    Chapter 1: Interruption

    High up in the boughs of a tree sat a girl in her mid-teens. Her back rested against the trunk, her legs lazily supported by an outreaching branch. The tree was smooth-barked and quite young, just big enough to take her weight comfortably. It was part of a forest; hundreds of similar trees all standing dotted around in a haphazard group. The brown earth at their roots was littered with bushy vegetation as well as a scattering of small, dark green leaves.

    The girl looked out over the forest with her dark blue eyes. Trees were one of the most peaceful resting places, in her opinion. Few could climb them and disturb her, and those that could were Pokémon that generally left her to her own devices. From this high she could see far into the maze of trees surrounding her, and could watch anyone – or anything – that approached. Right now her eyes were following the path of a brown-haired boy she guessed to be a couple of years younger than her. Judging by his practical clothes, his large rucksack and the red and white balls on his belt, he was a Pokémon trainer. And he happened to be heading straight towards her tree. The girl wasn’t all that bothered. With her leaf green jacket and matching trousers, coupled with the fact that her messily ponytailed hair was dark green, she was practically camouflaged amongst the foliage. There was no way he would be able to see –

    “Excuse me? You in the tree?” the boy asked, brown eyes staring directly at her.

    “What?” the girl replied irritably. She grabbed hold of the branch and swung herself down, landing easily on the ground. Following her out of the tree, darting like bullets and landing equally effortlessly were no less than four Pokémon, all slightly different in looks but all clearly the same species. Their bodies were shaped like that of a raptor, green all over except for a red throat and belly, broken by a strip of green. A long, blue-green leaf extended like a crest from the head of each, clusters of three smaller leaves from the wrists, and two more from their rears. The Grovyle stood close to her and regarded the boy with mixed expressions ranging from curiosity to annoyance.

    “Um,” started the boy unsurely; the sudden appearance of the four Pokémon seemed to have wrong-footed him. “My name’s Roy, and I was wondering if you could give me a Pokémon battle? I need to train for the Rustboro Gym.”

    “I’m Carrie,” the girl replied. “And I guess…” Carrie thought for a moment. If Roy had come to this part of Petalburg Woods, which was very much off the beaten path, it was likely he would be more than just some newbie from Littleroot Town with a Mudkip and a Zigzagoon. Less experienced trainers were encouraged to travel through the more bug-filled part of the woods as the Pokémon were weaker; anyone who ended up here knew what they were doing. It’d be a fun change of pace, at any rate. “Okay. I’ll battle you. Only three-on-three, though; I have six Pokemon, but three of them don’t feel like battling at the moment.”

    “Sure, no problem,” Roy replied, dropping his bag next to another tree a short distance away and standing to face Carrie from across a slight clearing in the bushy chaos that carpeted the ground.

    Carrie reached up into the tree and pulled down her own bag (green, of course), which had been hanging on a rather long branch. Realising that this had probably been what had made Roy notice her, she made a mental note not to hang it so far out in the future. She placed it down next to two of her Grovyle, who were relaxing against the tree together. One was a tad darker than a normal Grovyle, rather bulky and had a squareish face, while the other, who was female, had a longer, more pointed face and was slightly paler than normal.

    “You two sure you’re okay not battling, Foli, Ivyx?” Carrie asked them. Foliano – that was his full name – and Ivyx both nodded and settled down to watch; they had already agreed earlier that they would sit out in the event of a trainer challenging them.

    Her third Grovyle was standing beside her; he was the most similar in looks to the stereotypical picture of a Grovyle found in Pokédexes and such, but right now he was staring hungrily at Roy, his eyes burning with an urge to battle. The fourth, and by far the smallest Grovyle jumped up onto Carrie’s back and clung onto her shoulders with his small claws. She winced slightly as his foot claws dug into her back, then smiled as he poked his face over her shoulder, next to hers. It was large in proportion to his body, with a rounded nose and huge, angelic yellow eyes peering out into the world with innocence.

    Roy stared at the girl and her Grovyle in disbelief. “Er, should he be…”

    “This is Raptola,” Carrie told him as if it explained everything. “He likes to do this. I get used to it.” She smiled affectionately while pulling a small black and white sphere with a gold marking from one of her jacket pockets. As she touched a button, the Ultra Ball grew to fit comfortably in the palm of her hand. “Crescent, battle time!” Carrie announced, throwing it into open space.

    The two halves of the ball split open, a large amount of white light gushing out. The light took the shape of a long-legged, quadrupedal beast-like creature. His lithe body was white, with a patch of long fur from the neck down. The toes, three on each wide foot, were black and clawed. The top and left of his black face was coated in white fur too, and a curved black scythe extended from the right of it. Another scythe as a tail completed the look. An Absol.

    Roy observed Crescent for a few moments, seemingly impressed, before picking a red and white Poké Ball from his belt and hurling it forwards. “Nidorino, you’re up!”

    White light spurted from it and materialised into a stocky, four legged creature covered in spikes. He was purple all over except for green inside his large ears, and had a horn on his dinosaur-like face. The Nidorino growled at his opponent, impatient for an order.

    Roy obliged. “Nidorino, start out with a Horn Attack!”

    The purple creature nodded and began to run towards the Absol, picking up speed.

    “Dark Pulse, Crescent!”

    Crescent stood on the spot, concentrating, as a wave of darkened, distorted air rushed from his body at Nidorino. The Poison-type winced and slowed down as he passed through the pulse, clearly hurt by it. However, he continued his charge less powerfully than before and thrust his horn at the Crescent's furry chest, giving him little time to dodge. The Absol cried out and slashed at Nidorino with his black claws, forcing him back and giving Crescent time to recover.

    “Nice one,” Carrie commended him. “Shadow Ball!”

    Once again Crescent concentrated, this time forming a growing sphere of dark matter from his mouth. Nidorino looked on warily, tensing to dodge the moment it – now! Crescent fired the ball quickly at Nidorino, who jumped out of the way as it collided with the ground. The collision caused a shockwave of sorts, knocking Nidorino off his feet.

    “Now Night Slash it!” Carrie ordered quickly, before Roy could get a word in.

    Crescent ran towards the prone Pokémon, his claws glowing with a dark aura as he did.

    “Quick – Poison Jab!” Roy yelled upon seeing Carrie’s approach. Nidorino didn’t bother getting to his feet, growling loudly as Crescent slashed his side with Dark energy. Instead, his horn glowed purple and he thrust it into the Absol’s exposed flank. Crescent yelped and staggered away from another potential attack, the wound on his side tinged purple – he had been poisoned.

    Carrie looked on, worried. She couldn’t risk Crescent going near that venomous horn again – not that she particularly cared if she won or lost, she just didn’t want him hurt too much. Pokémon battling was fun, but it lost its point if your Pokémon ended up too badly injured…

    She felt a poke from the Grovyle on her back, drawing her out of these thoughts. Looking at the battle, she noticed her Absol frantically trying to avoid several kicks from Nidorino’s hind legs. Between dodges, Crescent looked pleadingly at his trainer as if asking her for more orders.

    Cursing herself for losing concentration at such a moment, Carrie said, “Okay, use a Faint Attack – but hit him from behind.”

    Crescent nodded and began to fade away. The kicks subsided as Nidorino realised he was kicking at empty air. The purple Pokémon looked around, confused.

    “Keep your guard up, Nidorino,” Roy advised his Pokémon. “It could be anywhere.”

    Nidorino’s eyes moved around carefully, scanning for any signs of his foe. But he was too late in noticing Crescent reappear behind him, and was tackled violently with a dark aura. Nidorino fell to the ground again, and this time he didn’t move. Frowning, Roy recalled his Pokemon. Hit with the Poké Ball’s beam, Nidorino was turned into a glowing red form before rushing back to the ball.

    Carrie watched Crescent celebrate his victory with a few swishes of his blade-like tail. She winced as her Grovyle, Raptola, started letting out excited, high pitched cries right next to her ear. Patting him absent-mindedly to quieten him, she noticed the purple patch on Crescent’s side was bigger than before. The poison was taking effect; he wouldn’t last much longer.

    Roy was pulling another Poké Ball from his belt. Throwing it into the battle space, he yelled, “Growlithe, you’re next!”

    A shape emerged from the ball – an orange puppy with black stripes. Creamy fur topped its head, covered its muzzle and chest and formed its happily wagging tail.

    “Flame Wheel!” Growlithe’s trainer ordered. With a cry of “Growl!”, the puppy’s body became enveloped in red and orange flames, and it rushed at Crescent.

    “Dodge it!”

    Crescent saw the danger and leapt sideways before he could be hit.

    “Flamethrower!”

    Growlithe’s flames extinguished as it skidded to a halt. Turning its head towards the Absol, it unleashed a stream of flames from its mouth. Startled, Crescent stayed where he was, unsure what to do.

    Carrie made a snap decision and recalled her Absol into his Ultra Ball, the red light zooming in as it had for Nidorino. The Flamethrower continued on through empty space, then dissipated into nothing. Her Pokémon taking that attack was unnecessary – the poison and previous beating he had taken meant he was already as good as down. Muttering, “Good work,” she placed the ball back inside her pocket and pulled out another, this time a Poké Ball.

    At this, her Grovyle, the one who had been watching the battle hungrily from the start, hissed to obtain Carrie’s attention then motioned that he’d quite happily take the Fire type on. Foliano, who was watching lazily, rolled his eyes.

    Carrie laughed. “Oh come on, Velotus, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

    Velotus growled to indicate that he was not.

    “Well, either way, I’m saving the best ‘till last.” She winked at him. This praise, though not necessarily truthful, seemed to satisfy Velotus, and he resumed watching as he had before.

    Ignoring the fact that her opponent and his Pokémon were becoming impatient, Carrie threw her Poké Ball out into space. “Empathy, come out and battle!”

    The white light inside gushed out and took the form of a slim, lilac-coloured cat with large tufted ears. His dark blue eyes gleamed with intelligence and understanding, the ruby on his forehead sparkling. “Esssspeon!” he cried, assuming a battle stance.

    Roy grinned. “Bite!” he ordered his Growlithe.

    “Dodge, then Psybeam!” Carrie ordered in reply.

    Growlithe bared its small fangs and ran eagerly at Empathy. He jumped elegantly to one side just before the puppy hit, its teeth snapping together fruitlessly. Quickly, Empathy shot a blast of rainbow-coloured energy at his foe, hitting it full on in the side. Growlithe whined and rolled over twice to regain its footing.

    “Now Psychic, in a wave form,” Carrie told her Pokémon. Empathy’s eyes glowed as he released an aura of purplish light which travelled from his body in all directions. It passed over Growlithe, who had no escape, and the puppy stumbled backwards a few steps, shaking its head painfully as if unsure what just hit it.

    “Flamethrower, now!” Roy ordered urgently.

    “Growl!” it exclaimed before shooting another stream of flames. Empathy clearly hadn’t been expecting such a quick recovery, and his dodge was too late. The fire scorched his side, darkening his purple fur. He winced, but let out no sound.

    “Great, now Flame Wheel!”

    “Psychic, send it into a tree,” Carrie told Empathy. “But get rid of the fire first,” she added hurriedly.

    Growlithe, having engulfed its body in flames once more, was charging towards Empathy when suddenly it stopped mid-step. The Espeon was glowing with a blue aura, as was Growlithe, who was slowly lifted off the ground. Following Carrie’s orders, Empathy concentrated and the aura snuffed the fire out. His eyes glowed again and the helpless Growlithe was sent flying towards a tree on Roy’s side of the battlefield. Smashing into it, it let out a pained yelp and dropped to the ground, unconscious.

    “Well done, girl,” Roy said to his Growlithe, recalling her.

    Carrie sighed as Raptola began making another celebratory racket in her ear. She looked him in the eye and coughed deliberately. He stopped, giving her an innocent, “I wasn’t doing anything,” look.

    Roy pulled another ball from his belt – a blue and white one with red marks. He hurled the Great Ball into space, shouting “Electabuzz! I’m counting on you!”

    A yellow bipedal creature emerged. It had a flattish head with two antennae on the top. Its entire body including its long thin tail was covered in black stripes, with a large black marking shaped like a lightning bolt on its belly. Waving its powerful arms around, it let out a cry of “Buzz!”

    “Ok, Empathy, another wave form Psychic,” Carrie said to her purple cat.

    “Thunderbolt!” ordered Roy.

    With glowing eyes, Empathy unleashed another purple aura. Opposite him, Electabuzz was creating sparks from between its antennae that danced around its entire body, shrouding it. As the wave passed over it, the electricity seemed to act as a kind of shield, protecting Electabuzz from the worst of the Psychic attack. With a loud yell of “BUZZ!”, a lightning bolt shot through the air at Empathy. He yelped as he took the attack; it was a direct hit.

    Psychic clearly wasn’t the best option. “Fine then, Shadow Ball it!” Carrie yelled, frustrated.

    “Dodge it and Thunderpunch!”

    The Espeon began forming a large ball of dark matter from his mouth just as Crescent had. Electabuzz’s arm crackled with electricity as it ran at him. Dodging the Shadow Ball with more agility than its bulky form seemed to offer, it used the resulting shockwave to propel itself towards Empathy, smashing him with an electrified fist. The purple cat cried out in pain; it didn’t seem like he could take much more.

    “Iron Tail to finish it!” Roy yelled with excitement. His Pokémon’s tail began to glow with white light.

    “Empathy, return!” Carrie called quickly. Electabuzz stopped the attack as Empathy’s form changed into red light and was sucked back into his ball. Carrie replaced it in her pocket with muttered praise. He’d taken two full-on attacks; once again, there was no point him taking another.

    On seeing Empathy recalled, the watching Velotus seemed to come alive. He grinned and leapt eagerly into the fray without waiting for a command.

    “Velotus, I choose you,” Carrie muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. As much as she adored all her Grovyle, Velotus needed to calm down sometimes. “Go on then, start off with Crunch.”

    Velotus opened his mouth menacingly, baring a set of small, viciously pointed teeth that few knew a Grovyle possessed. He dashed towards Electabuzz with alarming speed.

    “Thunderbolt!” called Roy to his Pokémon.

    Electabuzz began charging electricity – but the Grovyle was already upon it. Velotus’ teeth sank into its right arm before it could attack. Roaring with pain, Electabuzz sent a jolt of electricity surging through him. The Grass type winced but clamped down harder with his jaws; he was not as affected by the attack as most types. Soon enough Electabuzz realised this was not making Velotus let go and stopped the attack.

    “Leaf Blade then retreat!” ordered Carrie.

    “Thunderpunch it!” ordered Roy.

    Velotus released his grip. The leaves on his wrists glowed neon green before morphing into one shining scythe. At the same time Electabuzz roared in frustration as it tried in vain to shroud its right arm in electricity – the Crunch had rendered it too injured to use. By the time it had concentrated enough to send sparks down its left, subordinate arm, Velotus was slashing it several times across the stomach with his blades. He leapt backwards before the Electric type could get a punch in, then retreated the last few metres with an elegant somersault, showing off his agility.

    “Now end it with Leaf Sto –” Carrie broke off. Velotus wasn’t paying attention; he was poised with his head cocked, as if listening to a distant sound.

    Something was not right. Velotus never, ever stopped in the middle of a battle, it just wasn’t him. Confused, she turned to her other Grovyle and saw that both Foliano and Ivyx were standing up, listening too. Even the usually jolly Raptola seemed intent on hearing something only they could hear.

    “Electabuzz –” Roy started, as if trying to take advantage of the distraction. Carrie held up a hand to stop him, watching as Velotus turned and dashed away into the forest to her left. Foliano and Ivyx followed his lead, and Raptola shifted uncomfortably on Carrie’s back, like he wanted to follow without leaving her.

    “I forfeit,” Carrie said, seeing no other option. “You win. Good battle.” Still completely unsure as to what was going on, she grabbed her bag from underneath the tree and rushed off in the direction her Grovyle had taken. Looking back, she caught a last glimpse of Roy’s confused face as it faded into the distance between the trees.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 14th June 2008 at 5:31 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  11. #11
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    Weeh! Here I am again, ready to review!

    I like the way you began the chapter, Carrie sitting on a tree, gazing at the scenery was a peaceful way of beginning the chapter. I see that you deleted your trainer card with the four Grovyles, Espeon and Absol, I don't know why, seeming as you introduced all her pokemon in one chapter>__<

    The description was once more superb, everything was described so well, that I could imagine myself with Carrie in the tree (although in real life, I would never climb a tree) and her raptor companions.

    Now I really loved how every grovyle had a different personality, well at least two were quite clear; Raptola is the youngest, right? He seems very playful, it was cute and Velotus seems to be very competitive. Foliano and Ivyx weren't that clear, as they weren't mentioned as much as Raptola and Velotus, but they seem the laid-back types (are they in love?).

    The battle was great, Empathy and Crescent were introduced and every manoeuvre (is that spelled right>__<?) or attack was portrayed perfectly, it was a really good battle.

    Now, I wonder what actually grabbed the Grovyle's attention so much, this further leads me to think that the flying creature was a Grovyle, but then again, Grovyle can not fly... Hmmmm... I'm not quite sure but I think I know who the flying pokemon is, but I won't spoil it, and besides, it could be wrong.

    No grammatical errors spotted, great job on those too, but maybe I'm just no good on spotting wrong grammar, anyway x3

    Nice chapter Elyvorg, and as before, here come the highlights:

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Their bodies were shaped like that of a raptor, green all over except for a red throat and belly, broken by a strip of green. A long, blue-green leaf extended like a crest from the head of each, clusters of three smaller leaves from the wrists, and two more from their rears.
    Of course, there would be no way that Grovyle's wouldn't be introduced in this story

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    The fourth, and by far the smallest Grovyle jumped up onto Carrie’s back and clung onto her shoulders with his small claws. She winced slightly as his foot claws dug into her back, then smiled as he poked his face over her shoulder, next to hers. It was large in proportion to his body, with a rounded nose and huge, angelic yellow eyes peering out into the world with innocence.
    Awww, that's a really cute image

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    She winced as her Grovyle, Raptola, started letting out excited, high pitched cries right next to her ear.
    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Carrie sighed as Raptola began making another celebratory racket in her ear. She looked him in the eye and coughed deliberately. He stopped, giving her an innocent, “I wasn’t doing anything,” look.
    Once more, Raptola simply rules in the cuteness factor xD

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    On seeing Empathy recalled, the watching Velotus seemed to come alive. He grinned and leapt eagerly into the fray without waiting for a command.
    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    “Velotus, I choose you,” Carrie muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. As much as she adored all her Grovyle, Velotus needed to calm down sometimes.
    And Velotus rules in the coolness factor xD

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    You produced a more wonderful chapter than I imagined you would, great work

    'till next chapter,

    ~Aimi Hanako~

    P.S. don't search for my story because I'm currently working on a new one, so please don't bother, If you are willing to review I will PM you when the new story is here. If you don't want to, that's fine^-^Still, I am looking forward to a review of you (when my story is ready for consumption, anyway x3)

    P.P.S. I thought that Carrie was a bit of a strange name but then I remembered that my main character of my story is named Phyllis, which isn't a name that normal anyway x3

    P.P.P.S. Fweeh, new rank!

    Keep working and producing such wonderful chapters and you always see my arrive with a new review with the same things over and over; praise.
    Last edited by Frosted Heavens; 2nd September 2007 at 2:04 PM.
    Searching for Inspiration...

  12. #12
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    Blitzy is back, with a double review sandwich! Also, I will be your primary reason for staying on the first page for a while, so you better thank me :3 Either way, here are my thoughts on Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

    Quick note before I post the chapter: for anyone who has reviewed here so far and has a fic of their own, I will try and review it at some point.
    BTW, does this still hold true? :3


    Chapter 1:

    High up in the boughs of a tree sat a girl in her mid-teens.
    Let me guess... the actual main character?

    And he happened to be heading straight towards her tree. The girl wasn’t all that bothered. With her leaf green jacket and matching trousers, coupled with the fact that her messily ponytailed hair was dark green, she was practically camouflaged amongst the foliage. There was no way he would be able to see –

    “Excuse me? You in the tree?” the boy asked, brown eyes staring directly at her.
    I so saw that coming! Besides, something had to happen besides her launging around in that tree, which, in my opinion, are less than comfy, but I digress :3

    “What?” the girl replied irritably.
    She might not be a people person :/ I don't think I'd be that irritated if I was sitting in a hypothetical tree, with my hair in a hypothetical ponytail, and hypothetically balancing myself on a "smooth-barked" tree, as you described it to be.

    So yeah, I doubt I needed the whole explanation thing, but yeah, she does not appear to be that social (oooh, me and my 'reading-into-things'-skills)

    She grabbed hold of the branch and swung herself down, landing easily on the ground.
    Let's hope she did not jump from too high, after all, she probably has a whole journey ahead of her for whatever reason that is yet unknown :3

    Following her out of the tree, darting like bullets and landing equally effortlessly were no less than four Pok&#233;mon, all slightly different in looks but all clearly the same species. Their bodies were shaped like that of a raptor, green all over except for a red throat and belly, broken by a strip of green. A long, blue-green leaf extended like a crest from the head of each, clusters of three smaller leaves from the wrists, and two more from their rears.
    I kind of had a feeling these guys would appear sooner or later :3

    “My name’s Roy, and I was wondering if you could give me a Pok&#233;mon battle? I need to train for the Rustboro Gym.”
    Just once, I wished they came up with a different opening liner T__T

    “I’m Carrie,”
    Nothing as convenient as introductions before a battle >__>

    “Okay. I’ll battle you. Only three-on-three, though; I have six Pokemon, but three of them don’t feel like battling at the moment.”
    Okay, this struck me as awkward, unless Carrie has crazy telepathic powers that allow her to read her Pok&#233;mon's minds, she couldn't have known this to such perfection (without asking) in my mind. Unless those three who won't battle are very lazy, I can't see how Carrie jumped to that conclusion so quickly. Also, I quote too much >__>

    Realising that this had probably been what had made Roy notice her, she made a mental note not to hang it so far out in the future.
    Confirmation received: Carrie is definitely NOT a people person xD

    Foliano – that was his full name – and Ivyx
    Nice names; especially Ivyx sounds particularily mysterious ;3

    The fourth, and by far the smallest Grovyle jumped up onto Carrie’s back and clung onto her shoulders with his small claws. She winced slightly as his foot claws dug into her back, then smiled as he poked his face over her shoulder, next to hers. It was large in proportion to his body, with a rounded nose and huge, angelic yellow eyes peering out into the world with innocence.
    Awwwww...

    CUTIE - check
    TOUGH GUY - check

    now I just need some stereotype for Foli and Ivyx and my job is done here >3

    Roy stared at the girl and her Grovyle in disbelief. “Er, should he be…”

    “This is Raptola,” Carrie told him as if it explained everything. “He likes to do this. I get used to it.”
    I like the "as if it explained everything" part. It made me snort for some reason xD

    An Absol.
    I skip description because I CAN, muahahahah... >3

    Carrie looked on, worried. She couldn’t risk Crescent going near that venomous horn again – not that she particularly cared if she won or lost, she just didn’t want him hurt too much. Pok&#233;mon battling was fun, but it lost its point if your Pok&#233;mon ended up too badly injured…
    True, and I felt it needed pointing out because this shows Carrie cares quite a bit for her Pok&#233;mon (not that other parts didn't show this, but I felt that this partition illustrated it the best)

    “Okay, use a Faint Attack – but hit him from behind.”
    I'm gonna do a jab here and say "Don't Faint Attacks always hit from behind?" and it kind of gives away where the Nidorino should look in case the Absol disappears-

    Crescent nodded and began to fade away.
    -Oh, hey, it disappeared!

    The kicks subsided as Nidorino realised he was kicking at empty air.
    Whee, for a "not the brightest crayon in the box"-comment.

    “Keep your guard up, Nidorino,” Roy advised his Pok&#233;mon. “It could be anywhere.”
    *whispers* I'd look behind you...

    She winced as her Grovyle, Raptola, started letting out excited, high pitched cries right next to her ear.
    Give the thing (nah, I love him too) a cookie so it'll shut up >3

    With a cry of “Growl!”,
    This sounds odd xD

    At this, her Grovyle, the one who had been watching the battle hungrily from the start, hissed to obtain Carrie’s attention then motioned that he’d quite happily take the Fire type on. Foliano, who was watching lazily, rolled his eyes.
    Correction, TOUGH GUY with ego :3

    This praise, though not necessarily truthful, seemed to satisfy Velotus, and he resumed watching as he had before.
    The poor guy has no idea that he, somewhere along the ficroad, will be horribly stripped of his arrogance; as is the destiny of all overconfident characters. If I'm wrong, then I wonder how you're gonna get character development for him... ooh, a crush of some sort might work as well >3


    “Now Psychic, in a wave form,” Carrie told her Pok&#233;mon
    And make it a real fancy one too!


    Carrie sighed as Raptola began making another celebratory racket in her ear.
    All this cuteness, it must be deliberate >3

    He stopped, giving her an innocent, “I wasn’t doing anything,” look.
    I told you so!

    Roy pulled another ball from his belt – a blue and white one with red marks. He hurled the Great Ball into space, shouting “Electabuzz! I’m counting on you!”
    Excuse, me how does he have all these Pok&#233;mon that are native to Kanto, when we're obviously in Hoenn? (unless Petalburg Forest spontaneously relocated xD)


    “Velotus, I choose you,” Carrie muttered sarcastically,
    LOL :3


    He leapt backwards before the Electric type could get a punch in, then retreated the last few metres with an elegant somersault, showing off his agility.
    Show-off >_>

    Looking back, she caught a last glimpse of Roy’s confused face as it faded into the distance between the trees.
    Though I don't like it, he probably won't return, right?

    ------------------------

    Chapter 2:


    Memories.

    Such terrible memories.
    I'm guessing we're not where the previous chapter left us O__o Or Carrie decided to go emo as she went to see what the mysterious thing was that her Grovyle sensed.

    They burned through her mind like an awful chain reaction; one memory would trigger the next, which would in turn cause her to recall something else.
    The first part sounds good, but "which in turn caused her to recall something else" seems a bit awkward. Meh, might just be me :/

    Few of them were moments worth remembering. Most were simply filled with fear and grief and loss. Like her parents – she had found them dead one morning, killed by… Them? Who exactly were They?
    Mystery Creature! I missed you <3

    It was as if she had known nothing but this dreary box all her life – her real life – and the memories were just a dream. They never happened. Or perhaps... they had all happened to someone else?
    Well, she wouldn't be a Mystery Creature if she didn't even sound mysterious :3 On a more serious note, this creature might not be the same as the one in the prologue?

    So it wasn’t her parents who had been killed? It had been another creature whose childhood was plagued by fear and oppression? Someone else had had their best friend torn from them in a single moment?
    All right, guess the question was a bit redundant xD

    She cried out in alarm, but could already feel herself growing, stretching, becoming stronger. A tickling sensation ran down her still glowing arm as she saw leaves sprout from it, joining and growing with the three that were there already. The back of her neck itched; the same was happening there. She stood up in surprise as she felt a tail force itself out from her rear. Oddly enough, none of it hurt; rather it filled her with a rush of power and newfound strength. Watching as the tip of her tail sprouted leaves too, she stopped glowing.
    "What? Your Mystery creature is evolving?!"

    *music starts*

    "Congratulations!Your Mystery Creature has evolved into an Even More Mysterious Creature!"


    The stranger from the past had lived a fleeting adult life, with the now very real fear of being killed by Them.
    Yeah, my question was pretty much answered here :3

    She frowned and regarded her arms – several leaves extended from the sides, like giant feathers.
    Tropius comes to mind, but I know it's not him >_<

    She looked through the irregular hole and saw a small plain of yellowish grass – and beyond that, trees.
    Look people, Trees! Not that we haven't seen them before but let's emphasize (this is so spelled wrong, I know it is >3) a bit here xD


    It worked. She could feel herself lifting from the ground, supported by the full spread of her leafy wingspan.
    Freedom!!!

    Her soul mate from the past had lived in fear and misery her entire life; it was time for this Pok&#233;mon to start making the most of what she had.
    I really like this sentence for some reason, it just makes me smile :3


    Carrie ducked and dodged, branches whipping past her face as she ran, masses of trees threatening to block the path of someone travelling so quickly.
    Ah, there she is. I almost started wondering what she was doing in that forest...

    Over the years she’d grasped the basics of their language and could understand the gist of their speech.
    A more creative variant on the "I UNDERSTANDZ POK&#233;SPEECH!", but it'll do :3

    Raptola nodded excitedly.
    I wonder how this still managed to create such a cute image in my head xD


    “Grooooo,” Raptola moaned from her shoulder. He was young and not as articulate as the other Grovyle, but Carrie knew it meant something along the lines of “Quiiiiick.”
    You're killing me! xD

    As it approached, Carrie realised that this was no bird. No bird Pok&#233;mon were various shades of green; none had featherless arms, none had a face that looked like…
    MEGAGASP!!! Could it be...

    Immense wings with large pastel green leaves instead of feathers whooshed through the air, spread out to catch the wind on a downbeat as it soared over. The body, similar to a Grovyle’s but longer and darker, rushed past, allowing Carrie only a glimpse of a diamond shape on its underside. The tail flexed elegantly, the five or so leaves on its tip rustling as it did so. Twisting around to see it fly away, Carrie stared at the creature with awe and complete respect.
    For the love of god, A FLYING GROVYLE (mutation of some sort... al right, "split-evolution")

    Velotus let out a long hiss of satisfaction as he watched it leave.
    And this seemed really cool for yet another unknown reason :/

    Raptola bounced on Carrie’s back, overjoyed by what he had seen. Ivyx was still staring at the Pok&#233;mon as it dwindled to a mere speck in the distance, murmuring, “It’s… beautiful.”
    Finally, I was wondering when we were going to get to her. She's been showcased the least of all Grovyle (hell, even Roy had more screen-time :<)


    Carrie was proud to train Grovyle, and she knew all of her Grovyle prided themselves in what made them the creature they were – their elegance, agility and light, featherlike leaves. Not one of them had ever considered the option of evolving; the concept was practically alien to them. Carrie grimaced as the image of the… thing that Grovyle normally evolved into came into her mind. Sceptile.
    Obligatory backstory coming up...

    A large, upright lizard with a squat, triangular head and leering, bloodshot eyes. A skinny upper body atop a wide lower body that looked almost fat in comparison, the whole of it a bright, unnatural green. None of the featherlike leaves of Grovyle, this Pok&#233;mon’s two arm leaves jutted from its wrists at pointless angles. Its back was studded with six bulbous, yellow seeds, and the tail was long and dark green with spiked “branches” coming off in all directions. Some people found its tail cool. Carrie thought it looked like a Christmas tree.
    Oh, and description of what seems to be something you, and not just Carrie, seem to dislike immensely. I think you might have immersed yourself a bit too much here (then again, this was from long ago)

    And in her mind’s eye Carrie could see a Sceptile, its arm leaves formed into two glowing blades on each wrist, violently slashing a Grovyle and sending it slamming into the ground. The Grovyle which, only moments before, had saved Carrie from falling to her death from high up in a tree by quickly slicing off a branch and allowing her to grab onto it, slowing her fall. The Sceptile had attacked suddenly, presumably annoyed about the tree’s loss of its branch, caring little that a human’s life was saved.
    You know, somehow, I cannot see a chain of actions in this description. It all seems very unlikely to happen, and may even be formulated a bit awkwardly :/


    Though Carrie rarely spoke about Sceptile to them, Velotus and Ivyx had informed her that upon evolution, a Sceptile was generally so pleased with the sudden abundance of spiked objects on its body that it became insanely arrogant.
    Forgive me here, but the reason sounds absurd :<


    It was as if she had spent her entire life crawling to get around, not knowing there was any better way, and just now she had seen someone walk past her on two legs.
    I like the analogy here, really nice :>


    “I think I want to talk to Dad about this.”
    Ah, the parents. One of the most important characters in the main character's life, yet they barely get any screen time. I fear that here will be no different.

    To her at least, he was solid and dependable, perfect to call on if she had a problem, though she was largely independent and thus didn’t speak to him that much.
    Yeah, but if she is, doesn't she have some place to stay then? Because, as was just mentioned, your character comes from Fortree. That is a long way from Petalburg Forest, and I doubt she'll travel that distance very often, so...

    There was a background noise of slight rustling, and Carrie assumed he was in a forest too, on ranger duty.
    Nice detail here :3

    “Go ahead.” Carrie could hear a sigh coming from the other end of the line.
    Asociality runs in the family?


    “You saw a flying Sceptile?”
    Amusing image that creates. You might as well say it pranced from cloud to cloud with a fairy wand xD


    Brian was silent for a moment, contemplating. “I can’t think of anyone who might know,” he told her. “But other people must have seen the creature, and maybe one of them knows more about it. If so, they’re quite likely to be tracking it, so they won’t be far from where you are… wherever that is,” he finished ruefully.
    I find it a little odd that he does not know where she currently is, I mean, "mid-teens" as you described her to be leaves a rather tiny range, and to be responsible enough to be that far from home, she'd be 16-17, I think :/

    bar Raptola, who was currently poking around in a nearby bush, bored.
    By now, you should see this coming, but he's freaking adorable xD

    Carrie’s eyes widened slightly; it wasn’t like Ivyx to feel guilty. “All right then,” she said. “And really, I didn’t mind.”
    Though the apologizing thing is rather sweet, it feels a little awkward because we haven't seen much of Ivyx up until now. And suddenly, we hear she doesn't usually feel guilty.. I don't know, it just looked a bit off to me.

    ----------

    *phew*

    My fingers feel numb xD

    Well, all that remains for me to say is that I'm looking forward to read the next chapter (when I have time) and that I hope this character we're bound to meet next chapter will be fun, since he/she will probably serve more than a role than Roy... I just though, "maybe it is Roy", but it seems unlikely he followed her so, I'm fantasizing a bit about what kind of new character it will be. I'm looking forward to his Pok&#233;mon as well, and I hope he will serve as a bit of a foil to Carrie :3

    Still hoping for a review, but if you don't plan to, mention this in your reply (you've gotten my hopes up). All right then, I'll see your next review

    P.S Next time I'll put it in a spoiler (it's quite a bit of text >3)

  13. #13
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    You, my friend, are fantastic.

    I allowed myself a little treat catching up with these last few chapters: I decided to just read and let the story soak in, and you’ve really taken it places. I mean, first off, the conversation with the director over the transmitter was beautiful, and then you go off and really take Velotus’s character to a thrilling climax in his development. I don’t know any other fic I’ve read that has had me so involved in the development of a Pokemon character. The way you take him to a breaking point and pull him through it – glorious.

    And of course, as a plot twist lover, I ADORE the thing with Theo going rogue on them in the most recent chapter. The fact that he did it so sincerely as well just made it creepy. In one moment, you took the exact same character and altered the way he was perceived.

    Reading all of these at once really allowed me to gain a good perspective for how your story is flowing as a whole, so I think I can offer a few helpful “criticisms” at this juncture.

    You seem to have many brief encounters with villains in the woods, and each of those scenes tend to have the same tone: the good guys are always guarded, the bad guys are always smug and nasty. Now each of these scenes was finely written (and especially the one with the walkie-talkie conversation with the director was long enough that it had its own arc), but you need to be careful that if you have any more villain encounters in the woods that you make it distinct in visual feel and tone. And a bunch of the Bad Light villains tend to run together, so make sure that you keep giving the audience villains that are familiar to them. It doesn’t do much good to have a lot of random faces acting as antagonists unless they are at the very least headed by a very distinctive person. Now you’ve been handling this fairly well so far, I just want you to be cautious as you continue to progress that you keep the story arc moving rather than repeating scenarios.

    You’ve done some EXCELLENT work with developing your primary characters. I have felt a bit like some of the secondary characters have fallen to the wayside though as a result. I’m not saying you need to restructure your plot to give each of them a chapter or anything, just attempt to highlight them when the opportunities present themselves.

    As always, It’s great to come back every now and then and find this on the first few pages. Sorry for my absences, my life has taken a turn away from writing, and I’m at that part of my life where you kinda have to pick and choose what you’re going to do. But hey, reading this makes me want to pick up an old project of mine, so who knows? I might just put it up here someday soon. You're just an inspiring person!

    You’re awesome, keep up the good work!

    Good Fortune!

    Now up in the Fanfiction Forum!


    banner a collaboration between Warlord-Pickle and myself

  14. #14
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    A nicely described battle, although whole chapters that only, or nearly only hold a battle tend to make my intrests wander. It's nice you didn't make all the Pokemon cliche, 'cept for the eager Growlithe, as far as I could tell.

    The scenery was nice, and a place (I) have not read many fics, but why is Roy tackling the gym with those Pokemon? They're heaps strong, and two are weak to Rock, unless the others are a better option.

    That Empathy thing was kinda funny. I am also very, very curious as to what the Grovyle heard, and why only they did. ENLIGHTEN ME, PLEASE.

    Waiting for next chapter like the Growlithe, Bao.
    Quote Originally Posted by Persona 4
    A ploddingly-written romantic novel about a girl on her first day of school in a new town. Vampires are involved.

    ...The content of this book is almost physically painful for you to read.
    Bishie: Italy from Axis Powers Hetalia ^.^ I can share him with Germany~
    Shota: Oz from Pandora Hearts ^.^ Adorable~

    Speaking of Oz...

  15. #15
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    I really liked the wording used in chapter one, such as 'Bough'.

    I thought it would have been hard to distinguish the four Grovyle's but thanks to the descriptions, its now really easy to visualize who's who.

    The battle and the individual personalities were very smoothely done. Nice cliffhanger at the end, too. Be certain that I'm going to be reading.

    I tried to find something to constructively criticize and I must say I couldn't find much. I'll have a better review for the next chapter but everything I wanted to say was already said.

    For your first fan fic you're doing a really good job at it
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    Aimi Hanako - I'll be honest, the reason I deleted my TC was partly because it's old and my sprites are much better now, partly because I'm getting a banner and it takes up room... and partly because I was worried that people noticing the same team in the fic would accuse me of self-insertion, one of the symptoms of a Mary Sue.

    I didn't get to describe Foliano and Ivyx that much, partly because they didn't do much and partly because they don't have such interesting personalities. Foliano's personality gets shown a bit more in the next chapter, along with more stuff from Velotus (he's going to have the spotlight on him a lot during the fic).

    And of course, I'd love to review a fic of yours. ^^

    Bao Dragonite - I decided on a battle in the first chapter because otherwise it would have simply been Carrie sitting in a tree and noticing her Grovyle hear something and run off. So I put the battle in to keep it interesting while still introducing stuff during it.

    One thing you've got to remember about Roy - he's a plot device who won't be reappearing in the fic, so I didn't think too much before writing him. You'll notice that all of his Pokemon are from Kanto - he had a go at the Kanto Gym challenges for a while and then decided to move onto Hoenn for whatever reason, hence why he was in that part of the woods and why his Pokemon are fairly decent.

    I am also very, very curious as to what the Grovyle heard, and why only they did. ENLIGHTEN ME, PLEASE.
    You shall be enlightened next chapter.

    Griff4815 - Don't worry about having no crit so long as you tell me what you found good like you did - I may not know what to improve on but at least I know what to do more of in future.

    Many thanks for the reviews, everyone.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

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    Somehow, I had the feeling you’d make your way into Fan Fiction and do just as well as you did in Sprites. I tend to be right a lot.

    Anyway, I am already rather intrigued by this fic so far. You did a rather splendid job in first off, writing a prologue that doesn’t take place at the same time/place at the rest of the fic and making sure not to explain too much to give anything away and therefore really wets a reader’s appetite to read on and find out more about what had just happened. The first chapter was also great in that you properly introduced the main character and her Pokémon, showing their relationship in a very nice way to start a story (with plenty of action to get a reader’s attention) and then making Carrie have to cut the scene short as she dashes off to find the source of what may very well be the thing that gets the entire fic rolling. Very nice.

    I quite liked the overall style of writing here; your description was quite good, with just the right amount in most cases so that we have a good idea of what everything looks like, and I loved your wording at some parts.
    With the last of her strength, she powered herself downwards through the water’s surface, sending up a spray of white frothing foam. For a moment that spot was stirred into a frenzy, the liquid bubbling and thrashing about. Then the ripples subsided, leaving the ocean calm, flat and empty once more.
    The brown earth at their roots was littered with bushy vegetation as well as a scattering of small, dark green leaves.
    Your descriptions of scenery were pretty good the whole way through, though as mentioned adding in something as simple as the sky would be great. I think you also could have focused a bit more on other things in the forest; a light breeze rustling the tree branches, the sound of bird Pokémon singing in a nearby tree, the smell of a nearby Oddish’s Sweet Scent, that sort of thing to really help the reader feel like they’re in the forest as well.

    The descriptions of people and Pokémon were just around what was needed, but I felt like they could have been spruced up a bit, especially Carrie. It was great how you told us of her green-ness and all, but I think earlier you could have added in, you know ‘she adjusted the ponytail her long hair was tied in’ before you even talk about the green colouring (style and length are always important in hair), as well as trying to add in the tone of her skin, a hint at her height, age and build and just the sort of aura she has. It’s possible that you do intend to add this in later, but I’m just saying that the eyes, hair and clothing could all fit onto different sorts of girls, and if she’s going to stick around for a lot of the fic, this stuff is pretty important.

    Now on the Pokémon descriptions you did quite well and all, though some things I think could use some tweaking. You have to know what parts of a Pokémon are most important to describe, what bits of information we could do without (or you could incorporate later) and what parts to focus on. Mainly what I mean by this is that some details you can skip over and others you should embellish.
    Their bodies were shaped like that of a raptor, green all over except for a red throat and belly, broken by a strip of green. A long, blue-green leaf extended like a crest from the head of each, clusters of three smaller leaves from the wrists, and two more from their rears.
    Now if Grovyle are going to be a central part of the fic you’ll want to make sure the reader has the perfect image of a Grovyle the way you want them to see the creatures. An example of what I mean is that two different writers, for the purpose of their fic, may describe Ninetales differently; one may describe it as being incredibly elegant and refined that a pampered princess of untouchable beauty, while another may make it seem like a very wise, powerful Pokémon with matted fur and a mysterious aura about it. This is done easiest when you focus on certain parts of their appearance; for the first Ninetales the focus might be on the perfectly groomed fur and the sweeping mane of fur on its head, with for the second there would be more talk of its piercing eyes, powerful tails and sharp fangs.

    In Grovyle’s case I think you want it to look strong, and cool. No need to go into the nitty-gritty red stomach being broken by a band of green. Focus a bit more on its raptorlike shape; the way it stands on two legs, its long arms with pointed, claw-like fingers, the dark blue leaves extending from their wrists, elbows and shoulders. The blue leafy crest emerges from its forehead and sweeps back gracefully and its sharp yellow eyes glancing at their surroundings without interest.

    On a similar note, in the future try to make your Pokémon descriptions a tad less list-like. Instead of just sort of mentioning ‘green all over except for a red throat and belly’ incorporate the description into actions, movements. ‘The Grovyle’s red belly expanded and contracted rapidly in excitement.’ It’s much easier to imagine its red belly when its moving rather than when its just standing still doing nothing, and that is something you should always try to remember with description. Thankfully you kept your descriptive paragraphs short, but remember that you can do a description partly with a listy paragraph, spiking a detail or two and then later incorporating that detail in through an action. I think this would work best with your style of writing rather than with many others.

    Anyway, all in all description was quite work, just needs a bit of polishing here and there.

    The battle was great, and it was nice to see such interesting uses of certain moves, such as using Crunch to make Electabuzz unable to Thunderpunch with its ‘good arm’ (I have never once heard of right-handed Pokémon, so kudos on doing something completely realistic but new XD). The use and descriptions of attacks were great all around, and I found your description of Psychic to be quite interesting, being a wave of power rather than…well, I dunno how that attack is usually portrayed.


    Moving on, I like the characters so far. I had had the creeping suspicion that Carrie’s team would be that from your Trainer Card, which had me really excited because I always liked the sprites and wondered what those Pokémon were really like, so I was quite please to see them all in action. So far we know the most about the personalities of Velotus and Raptola by far, knowing more about the two lovesick Grovyle more than even about Carrie herself. So far we know them the most, knowing little about Crescent and Empathy at all.

    However one thing we do know about the trainer is that she likes to relax and take nothing too seriously, making sure nobody gets hurt too badly. In doing this you’ll want to watch out and make sure Carrie isn’t this awesome trainer who is soooo caring and compassionate about her Pokémon that her outlook starts to seem too perfect and Mary-Sueish. :P


    On grammar, it was pretty much perfect except that you changed between ‘Poké Ball’ and ‘Pokéball’ (apparently it’s ‘Pokéball’ and ‘Ultra Ball’). Also,
    Carrie laughed. “Oh come on Velotus, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
    I believe there should be a comma before ‘Velotus’ as well- not positive, though.

    I think I found one or two other incredibly tiny things, but they were nothing, really. Great job here otherwise.



    So yeah, I really look forward to reading on. Dunno if you remember me saying it, but Grovyle is one of my all-time favourite Pokémon (while I utterly despise its evolution) and I LOVE reading about the grassy reptile. Even without the Grovyle I’m still quite interested in finding out what happens next, finding out how the creature from the prologue ties in with the story and seeing why the fic bears this particular name. (I do have my hunches, but I’ll save those for later.)


        Spoiler:- One last note::



    YAY FOR ALTERING THE TREECKO LINE!

    ~Psychic
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  18. #18
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    Psychic - Many thanks for what is easily my best review yet. Especially for the advice with the descriptions; that's really helpful and Chapter 2 is probably quite a bit better because of it.
    the dark blue leaves extending from their wrists, elbows and shoulders.
    Last time I checked Grovyle didn't have leaves on its elbows and shoulders. o.o

    As for the Poké Ball thing: damn, I missed one. I knew the official spelling was Poké Ball but I guess I'm just too used to typing Pokéball for laziness. Meh, 'tis fixed now. And I'd prefer not to add another comma before Velotus, as the intention was that the whole phrase "Oh come on Velotus" is said all in one long breath with no pause.

    And yay, another Grovyle fan. Plus, Kendar is awesome, he's all feathery and fluffy and squee. :3

    Anyway, thanks again for your most helpful review. Chapter 2 is finished and will be up once I have proofread it enough to be sure I can't improve it significantly more.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  19. #19
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    Late review, sue me.

    Anyways yeah it was a very good read, so let's be quick:

    + Your description of the battle was perfect, perhaps you could've focused a little mor eon the poison draining Crescent's HP, like, maybe used references to clocks and timers and "Counting down" which would've made it a little darker feeling in general, also the Growlith didn't feel threatening, it's got fangs/claws and quite a fearsome bark, granted Espeon wasn't fazed by those things but it might've been nice to give the Growlith a little more backbone.
    Like Psychic said, focus more on the aspect you want to promote, Velotus was cool 'n all, but I didn't feel it LOOKED powerful, just moody.

    + The personalities came off PERFECTLY, especially Raptola, that's one cute little bugger. I love his devotion, he wants to run off, but doesn't wanna leave Carrie, bless.

    + The trainer who she battles who's name escapes me, totally has some of my favourite Pokemon, or, related to anyways. That's a plus in my book :3

    A few things to note however, is that the forest didn't feel alive. Like someone, maybe Psychic said, a nice breeze, some song birds, a few bugs or something... Yeah, could've been a better setting, but overall we know it's a forest, so the basics are there...
    Though is it a dark forest, or a sunlit one? How does the sunlight pass through the canopy? Is it in rays or does the sun dapple down through the leaves creating a cast of shadows like some forest floor masquerade... Or something.

    Generally though, I can see you have tried more description, so effort points given here, though it needs to be more honed and focused on particular themes and issues, Raptola was perfect I think, you got the cute innocent childish look to him, Folio and Ivyx were, not so obvious, though Folio seems a leader type of relaxed sarcastic thing. Ivyx... we have no idea, didn't even roll her (??) eyes.

    But yeah, more description I think could go into it, and different varieties of description:

    Setting
    Characters - Personality
    Characters - physically
    Anything else you need.

    I think you can bring the character's to life well enough so we have an idea about them, but so that character developement is possible, however you should also pay attention to bringing the surroundings to life more.

    But yes, in summery it was a bloody good read and you'd beter have the next up soon ^^

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    Wow, someone please remind me why I put off reading Chapter 2 for so long. Sorry I was slow with it- I’m just incredibly lazy when it comes to reviewing nowadays. So I’m doing Chapters 2 and 3 at once and knowing my procrastination skills will probably end up doing something similar in the future as well. XP

    Firstly, to reply to your reply.

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Psychic - Many thanks for what is easily my best review yet. Especially for the advice with the descriptions; that's really helpful and Chapter 2 is probably quite a bit better because of it.
    I'm sooooo glad to hear you say that - makes me really feel accomplished as a review. And yes, it really did help with the descriptions - they looked much better.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Last time I checked Grovyle didn't have leaves on its elbows and shoulders. o.o
    Oops, my bad; guess I was just thinking of how I'd like Grovyle to be. Or something to that degree. :P However: you can see here that they do have tails, and imo the leaves just come out from their forearms, not their wrists or elbows (yes, changing my opinion).


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    And I'd prefer not to add another comma before Velotus, as the intention was that the whole phrase "Oh come on Velotus" is said all in one long breath with no pause.
    I have an explanation for that at the bottom of the post in the grammar area. Commas aren't all about pauses, just keep that in mind.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    And yay, another Grovyle fan. Plus, Kendar is awesome, he's all feathery and fluffy and squee. :3
    Yeeeeeeees. <3333
    I posted him cuz I'm paranoid and I got the impression that maybe you'd use something similar - "something similar" ended up being Archopy, though.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Anyway, thanks again for your most helpful review. Chapter 2 is finished and will be up once I have proofread it enough to be sure I can't improve it significantly more.
    No problem - thank you for listening to it! I hope the next one will be just as good! ^^



    Now, to get on with the review, these chapters were quite interesting: we meet Theo and find out about Archopy, and this creepy MemorCorp, and many fascinating, vital questions come up: if Archopy evolves from Grovyle, why has nobody in the modern world heard of it? Does the idea of the Lost Evolution tie in with this- was Archopy perhaps lost over the course if time? What does this mean for modern Grovyle? Why is MemorCorp being such a jerk? What are their true intentions? You did a great job engaging your readers and setting up for the rest of the story here, and we’re all very interested in seeing just what will happen next – very nicely done with all this mystery. =)

    Description was much better here, and I am thrilled that you took me advice; everything looks much better now without the listy descriptions. I quite liked your description of Ivyx jumping through the trees (automatically made me think of the Hork-Bajir of the Animorphs series, very cool), your evolution scene was a great interpretation of the process (a bit reminiscent of the morphing again in Animorphs) and your distasteful description of Sceptile was well-done. However I felt that a bit more of a focus on Archopy was needed; since it has such a huge role in the fic, just adding one more sentence before the last sentence of that paragraph, just something that shows the way it moved or how they feel about it. “As it swept through the air gracefully, Carrie felt an unexplainable rush of joy in her heart” just because imo, “awe and complete respect” doesn’t say as much as it could. Hard to explain what I mean – just underdstand that I think you could have added a tad bit more, just because that one moment is a vital turning point in the fic, and you have to make it show.
    However I really do love Archopy; it’s a very cool Grovyle evolution, and I really love the design.

    Also, a note about describing tails: you used "coming out of its rear" (and similar wording) a few times, however it gets a bit repetitive. If anything, I think you could change the "its rear" bit in the Archopy evolution scene; remember that tails are just elongated spines, so you could just say "she felt her spine growing, extending to become a tail..." sort of thing. Oh, and Grovyle do have leafy tails, so meh. :P

    The battle seemed a bit short to me, though it makes sense since Raptola is stronger than Omanyte. One thing that also bothered me some was that Omanyte starts off the battle by hiding in her shell all afraid, but then when Theo tells her to use Rollout she immediately obeys despite her prior fear. Did she maybe become excited and got more into the battle? You also might want to note that Pokémon don’t stay silent during the battle – they have battle cries! ^^ So when Omanyte is about to use Rollout, just have her cry “Nyte!” and so on.

    One other note about the Pokémon: I don’t remember precisely when this was, but at some point I just started feeling like the Grovyle seemed very human. Yes, Pokémon are intelligent beings and all, but they starting seemed a bit too human-like, so you’ve got to remember that Pokémon are still slightly animalistic and don’t tend to have the intellect or emotional capacity as humans. This thought mostly occurred to me when Velotus recalled himself into his Pokéball on his own. Just a heads up.


    Oh, and random note: did Theo find a Grovyle fossil or Archopy fossil? I had originally assumed it was an Archopy one, but then she evolved in the lab, so that doesn’t really make any sense. o.O
    Oh, and my guess is that she knew of this other Archopy because perhaps the species has a collective memory? That way they all share their memories and such…like the Howlers from once again, the Animorphs series. :P



    Anyhow, grammar was fine throughout, except for the following:

    Him, Foliano and Ivyx were all staring intently at the sky through a break in the canopy.
    It should be ‘he’ instead of ‘him.’ The trick to knowing whether to use ‘he’ or ‘hiim’ is if you take away ‘Foliano and Ivyx,” is it still proper grammar? ‘Him [was] staring intently at the sky…” doesn’t really work, so it must be ‘he’. This goes for all instances where you say ‘____ and him/he’ or ‘____ and I/me.’ For example:

    Betty gave a present to Kathy and I.
    Take away ‘Kathy’: you can’t say ‘Betty gave a present to I.’ This is one of the few cases where you say ‘____ and me.’

    Jordan and she went to bed early last night.
    If you take away ‘Jordan,’ it makes sense to say ‘She went to bed early last night.’


    “Go on then Rappy, Leaf Blade!” Carrie called. Raptola’s smile turned to a mischievous grin as the leaves on its arms glowed and formed two neon green scythes.
    Eventually realising the futility of its attacks
    Raptola closed its eyes, etc.
    Like I said in my other review, you need a comma before ‘Rappy,’ not because there’s a pause in speech but you’re always supposed to have a comma when addressing somebody.

    Also, I thought Raptola was a boy. If you’re going to give genders to your Pokémon you can’t randomly call them ‘it.’


    The Grovyle dug in its foot claws and stood its ground, taking the hit but not seeming that affected.
    Dug its foot claws where? You can just add ‘into the loamy soil’ or something, because I get the impression that you didn’t specify so as to avoid saying ‘ground’ twice.


    “Yes, actually,” Carrie replied instantly, as if she had been expecting the question, “a flying Pokémon. Big, leafy wings. Did you see it too?”
    I’m almost positive that ‘a’ should be capitalized.


    “No,” Theo admitted, “but I know what it is and where it came from. I was walking through here in the hope of seeing it. Never did though,” he added pointlessly.
    Comma between ‘did’ and ‘though,’ I believe.




    It’s interesting to just randomly note that this is the second fic I’ve read where the author and I both share a hate for a certain Pokémon’s evolution, but love the ‘mon itself. Here it’s obviously Grovyle (Sceptile = oogleh) and Dragonfree’s The Quest for the Legends (deep, strong hate for Scizor cuz Scyther rock). Nice to note that I’m not the only one who hates certain evolutions. =)


    Aaaaaaand that’s it. One thing I must quote, though:
    It was as if she had spent her entire life crawling to get around, not knowing there was any better way, and just now she had seen someone walk past her on two legs.
    I just really like the way you phrased this and find it to be a great mental image and metaphor. :3


    Anyhow, great fic here, my intent is to continue reading and reviewing – I really want to see where this is going and can’t wait to read on. This is progressing very nicely, though a bit quickly, but hey, I’m not about to complain. Keep it up, and I can’t wait to read on! ^-^

    ~Psychic
    Last edited by Psychic; 21st September 2007 at 5:43 AM.
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    Default Chapter 2: Life Changing

    Darkfall - Roy having pokes you like is a total coincidence, seeing as I randomly picked Kanto Pokémon that seemed to fit. But thanks for the review, and I have tried to include more setting description. Tell me what you think.

    Chapter 2: Life Changing

    Memories.

    Such terrible memories.

    They burned through her mind like an awful chain reaction; one memory would trigger the next, which would in turn cause her to recall something else. Few of them were moments worth remembering. Most were simply filled with fear and grief and loss. Like her parents – she had found them dead one morning, killed by… Them? Who exactly were They? Despite the vividness of the memories, They remained obscure, almost hidden, as if she was seeing Them out of the corners of her eyes. Tall, threatening figures that seemed to exude evil and hate. And it wasn’t just her parents They had murdered. Others just like her mother and father, slaughtered without a second thought. The children, always spared, because they looked exactly like…

    Children? Adolescents? Yes, she remembered someone now. Her best friend. She smiled slightly, allowing the warm, cosy memories to flow through her mind, numbing the pain. They’d had such great fun together; she could even forget her fear while enjoying herself with him. But wait… there was something else. Not even those memories were perfect. They were tainted by a creeping feeling of dread, a knowledge that someday something terrible would happen to him and their bond would shatter – and that it grew ever closer as time passed. A recollection burst into her mind, startling her with its vividness. Her friend, glowing with a powerful white light, and herself, screaming in anguish and desperation for him to stop before it was too late. And then he had changed. He had become one of Them. There would be no going back for him.

    She let out a whimper of sadness and opened her eyes. She was sitting in a closed off space, the unnatural regularity of it disturbing her. Glancing up, she noticed a square of light spilling in from the opposite side. It was all alien; it made no more sense to her than the flat discs she felt attached to her head, or the sharp thorn stabbing into her thin green arm. But looking around at where she was, it all seemed undeniably real. Far more real than the things flashing through her mind. It was as if she had known nothing but this dreary box all her life – her real life – and the memories were just a dream. They never happened. Or perhaps... they had all happened to someone else?

    So it wasn’t her parents who had been killed? It had been another creature whose childhood was plagued by fear and oppression? Someone else had had their best friend torn from them in a single moment?

    Before she had time to think this through any further, she felt a sudden overwhelming sensation. Her vision was flooded with brilliant white light and her body felt restless, like it wanted to change, to become stronger. She panicked, realising that it was the same light that had erupted from her friend on that awful day – was she turning into one of Them too? No, she convinced herself, that wasn’t my friend, it never happened to me. What’s real is right here and right now.

    Fighting through the swarms of fake memories, she found a recollection which was more solid, more true. This had happened to her – really her – once before. Last time this change had increased vague feelings of fear and occasional images into the vivid plays that scorched through her mind now. And it was happening again.

    She cried out in alarm, but could already feel herself growing, stretching, becoming stronger. A tickling sensation ran down her still glowing arm as she saw leaves sprout from it, joining and growing with the three that were there already. The back of her neck itched; the same was happening there. She stood up in surprise as she felt a tail force itself out from her rear. Oddly enough, none of it hurt; rather it filled her with a rush of power and newfound strength. Watching as the tip of her tail sprouted leaves too, she stopped glowing.

    The moment the change stopped, she felt it; an overwhelming flood of memories, like before, but more vivid – and often more full of fear. But she was more mature than she had been only moments ago, and this time she knew without a doubt that these were not hers.

    The stranger from the past had lived a fleeting adult life, with the now very real fear of being killed by Them. She had spent most of her time hiding, escaping using her newfound power – flight. The trapped creature smiled as she watched the memories of flying, feeling the same joy that the stranger had when she soared above the canopy of her home forest and had, just for a moment, been able to forget her worries. There was even a short period of romance, but it had ended far too quickly and violently. Discovering this, the Pokémon closed her eyes in regret and sympathy for the stranger who had been cursed to live such a terrible life, and whose memories she somehow shared.

    A very particular memory happened to surface in her mind at that moment. The bereaved Pokémon had made one last flight for freedom when she knew all was lost. She frowned and regarded her arms – several leaves extended from the sides, like giant feathers. She could fly too, if only she managed to escape this dull box first. A last ditch attempt for freedom – she certainly had nothing to lose.

    Looking up at the square of light spilling into her room, something clicked in her mind. An instinct, or perhaps a memory. She concentrated, feeling a build-up of power in the new foliage behind her head before opening her mouth and blasting a stream of blinding white energy into the wall in front of her. It crumbled outwards, unable to take the shock of the attack. She looked through the irregular hole and saw a small plain of yellowish grass – and beyond that, trees.

    Filled with delight, she dashed outside, barely noticing the discs on her head or the thorn in her arm pull away from her and remain in the room. She stopped only for a moment to look around cautiously, then charged across the open space, beating her wings.

    It worked. She could feel herself lifting from the ground, supported by the full spread of her leafy wingspan. Screeching with joy, the sun on her back, she rose up into the clear blue sky. Her soul mate from the past had lived in fear and misery her entire life; it was time for this Pokémon to start making the most of what she had.

    Still screeching, she soared over the forest, gazing down upon the dark green sea of trees below.

    * * *

    Footsteps thumped through the forest, rustling the undergrowth and fallen leaves. Sunlight shone down in patches, lighting the way for a figure who rushed past in and out of shade. Carrie ducked and dodged, branches whipping past her face as she ran, masses of trees threatening to block the path of someone travelling so quickly.

    Carrie had no idea what had made her Pokémon take off like this. Almost six years of constantly being with her Grovyle, and they still managed to surprise her. And why did her favourite Pokémon have to be so fast? Sure, she was used to running around, but regardless, she was never going to reach them at this rate.

    She skidded to a sudden halt, Raptola still clinging on, as she noticed one of her Grovyle through the trees. It was Foliano, and he was heading towards her. She smiled; he was the first Pokémon she’d ever had, and he’d always been the most loyal. On her tenth birthday she’d received a Treecko egg from her father, which she had hatched and trained until it evolved into what was now her most trusted partner. She adored all of her Grovyle, not only Foliano, and preferred simply spending time with them to battling. Over the years she’d grasped the basics of their language and could understand the gist of their speech.

    Carrie took a deep breath. “What the hell is going on?” she hissed, venting all her confusion and frustration in one sentence.

    Raptola jumped, startled by his trainer’s show of emotions, but Foliano was less easily taken aback. “I’m not sure what it is, but it’s something incredible. We have to see it,” he told her urgently. Raptola nodded excitedly.

    “See it? Where is it?” Carrie asked.

    Above the forest,” Foliano said. “And it’s coming closer all the time. Come ON!” he yelled, grabbing her hand in his claws and practically dragging her towards where he knew the others had gone.

    As Carrie stumbled and began to run as fast as she could under her own steam, she saw that Ivyx had also hung back to wait for Foliano. On seeing her, Foliano let go of Carrie and rushed to keep up with Ivyx. She smiled, and grabbed his claws in hers as they ran, the cluster of leaves at her wrist brushing against his.

    Velotus has found a clearing. It’s going to pass right over it.” Carrie could just make out Ivyx’s words. Foliano nodded and the pair picked up speed.

    “Grooooo,” Raptola moaned from her shoulder. He was young and not as articulate as the other Grovyle, but Carrie knew it meant something along the lines of “Quiiiiick.” She nodded and put on an extra spurt of speed, finding herself rushing into the clearing Ivyx had mentioned. Breathing heavily, she stumbled as she nearly tripped over Velotus, who was standing directly in the middle. He, Foliano and Ivyx were all staring intently at the sky through a break in the canopy.

    Carrie turned her head in that direction and noticed something looking vaguely like a bird in the distance, flying, not surprisingly, straight towards them. And now that it was closer, her ears picked up what the Grovyle’s sensitive hearing had done minutes before. The creature was calling, screeching in delight. As it approached, Carrie realised that this was no bird. No bird Pokémon were various shades of green; none had featherless arms, none had a face that looked like…

    “AAAAAARRRRRRCH!”

    With a joyful, screeching cry, the most beautiful and amazing creature Carrie had ever seen flew directly over her head.

    Immense wings with large pastel green leaves instead of feathers whooshed through the air, spread out to catch the wind on a downbeat as it soared over. The body, similar to a Grovyle’s but longer and darker, rushed past, allowing Carrie only a glimpse of a diamond shape on its underside. The tail flexed elegantly, the five or so leaves on its tip rustling as it did so. Twisting around to see it fly away, Carrie stared at the creature with awe and complete respect.

    Velotus let out a long hiss of satisfaction as he watched it leave. Raptola bounced on Carrie’s back, overjoyed by what he had seen. Ivyx was still staring at the Pokémon as it dwindled to a mere speck in the distance, murmuring, “It’s… beautiful.

    I told you we had to see it,” Foliano said without the slightest hint of smugness.

    “But… but, what was it?” Carrie spluttered, almost at a loss for words. “It looked like it ev –”

    It did evolve from one of our kind,” Velotus said, slowly but with fierce passion. “I knew, the moment it passed over. That Pokémon was once a Grovyle.

    It took Carrie a few seconds to take in what she had just heard.

    She stared at him in utter shock; even the other Grovyle seemed surprised. She sat down heavily, dropping her bag and allowing Raptola to jump off her back. “Are you… sure?” she asked stupidly, realising the moment the words left her mouth that it was a pointless question.

    Yes,” Velotus hissed, staring Carrie intensely in the eye. She knew Velotus; there was no way he would lie or joke about something like this.

    Carrie was proud to train Grovyle, and she knew all of her Grovyle prided themselves in what made them the creature they were – their elegance, agility and light, featherlike leaves. Not one of them had ever considered the option of evolving; the concept was practically alien to them. Carrie grimaced as the image of the… thing that Grovyle normally evolved into came into her mind. Sceptile.

    A large, upright lizard with a squat, triangular head and leering, bloodshot eyes. A skinny upper body atop a wide lower body that looked almost fat in comparison, the whole of it a bright, unnatural green. None of the featherlike leaves of Grovyle, this Pokémon’s two arm leaves jutted from its wrists at pointless angles. Its back was studded with six bulbous, yellow seeds, and the tail was long and dark green with spiked “branches” coming off in all directions. Some people found its tail cool. Carrie thought it looked like a Christmas tree.

    And in her mind’s eye Carrie could see a Sceptile, its arm leaves formed into two glowing blades on each wrist, violently slashing a Grovyle and sending it slamming into the ground. The Grovyle which, only moments before, had saved Carrie from falling to her death from high up in a tree by quickly slicing off a branch and allowing her to grab onto it, slowing her fall. The Sceptile had attacked suddenly, presumably annoyed about the tree’s loss of its branch, caring little that a human’s life was saved. Carrie was a mere eight years old when this had happened. Ever since then her love and hate for these two Pokémon had been set in stone.

    Though Carrie rarely spoke about Sceptile to them, Velotus and Ivyx had informed her that upon evolution, a Sceptile was generally so pleased with the sudden abundance of spiked objects on its body that it became insanely arrogant. Added to that there was the apparent role of “Forest Protector” that they seemed to think they and they alone held which caused them to go about their lives as if they owned the place and could do what they wanted. It was murder trying to live in the same forest with them. Or so said Velotus.

    As much as Carrie hated to think about it, it was a simple fact of nature that her beautiful raptors would become this if they chose to evolve. It didn’t worry her much, as she knew that all of them disliked the thing with intensities ranging from simply not liking it to utter loathing.

    Now, the rug had been pulled out from under her feet. To live her entire life knowing that Grovyle had a bad evolution and it couldn’t be helped, only to suddenly realise the possibility that it might not always be this way… It was as if she had spent her entire life crawling to get around, not knowing there was any better way, and just now she had seen someone walk past her on two legs.

    Still utterly gobsmacked, thoughts about how impossible and groundbreaking this was swirling around in her mind, Carrie realised that Foliano was talking to her. She shook her head and concentrated on understanding his words.

    What are we going to do now? We can’t just… carry on and pretend this never happened,” he told her. Velotus heard this and nodded emphatically to underline Foliano’s point.

    “You’re right,” Carrie replied. “And we won’t, I just… don’t know where to go from here.” She thought for a second. What she really needed right now was to talk to someone, another human she could rely on. Though people like that were few and far between to Carrie, she knew who would understand her situation the best. “I think I want to talk to Dad about this.”

    Brian Woods, Carrie’s father, was a Pokémon ranger. He had often been there in Carrie’s childhood to watch over her as she played in the forests of Fortree City, her home town. To her at least, he was solid and dependable, perfect to call on if she had a problem, though she was largely independent and thus didn’t speak to him that much.

    Carrie fished around in her bag for a small, oval-shaped object about the size of a maximised Poké Ball. She took out the green Pokénav, flipped it open and dialled a number. Soon her father was answering the call.

    “Carrie? Long time since I last heard from you. How are you?” Brian’s smooth, deep voice asked. There was a background noise of slight rustling, and Carrie assumed he was in a forest too, on ranger duty.

    “Yeah I’m fine, Dad. Look, there’s something really, really important I need to talk to you about.”

    “Go ahead.” Carrie could hear a sigh coming from the other end of the line.

    “We just saw this… flying thing, and Velotus says it evolved from Grovyle.”

    “You saw a flying Sceptile?”

    “No! Hell no. It was beautiful, and it had big leafy wings, and it looked a bit like Grovyle but different… You do believe me, right?” she finished sceptically.

    “’Course I do.” Brian’s voice seemed a little unsure, but genuinely pleased at the possibility. “A split evolution for Grovyle eh?”

    “So I was wondering, Dad, do you have any idea what it is?”

    “Not a clue I’m afraid. As far as I know Grovyle has only ever evolved into S –”

    “I get the picture. Well, what should I do now? I really want to find out more about it, but I have no idea who to ask. Do you know of anyone who might be helpful?”

    Brian was silent for a moment, contemplating. “I can’t think of anyone who might know,” he told her. “But other people must have seen the creature, and maybe one of them knows more about it. If so, they’re quite likely to be tracking it, so they won’t be far from where you are… wherever that is,” he finished ruefully.

    “Okay, that’s a great idea, I’ll go look for someone. Thanks, bye,” Carrie said, and hung up with just enough delay to allow her father a rushed “Bye” on the other end.

    “Right,” she said, replacing the Pokénav in her bag and surveying her four Grovyle. All of them had been listening intently to her side of the conversation, bar Raptola, who was currently poking around in a nearby bush, bored. “Dad reckons there’ll be someone in this forest who knows what that Pokémon was, and I think he has a point. I need one of you to go search the forest for anyone, and tell me if you see someone who looks interesting.”

    I’ll go,” Ivyx said before anyone else could offer. “I should have hung back and waited for you like Foli did, so I want to make it up to you.

    Carrie’s eyes widened slightly; it wasn’t like Ivyx to feel guilty. “All right then,” she said. “And really, I didn’t mind.”

    Ivyx nodded and looked a little happier, then dashed off in the direction the flying creature had headed, practically floating between trees with swift, graceful moves. Foliano watched her go and smiled, admiring the way her crest leaf curved through the air, decorating her lithe form.

    Then she was out of sight, leaving Foliano staring into space. Raptola was now hiding in the bush, his bluish leaves poking out. Velotus gazed piercingly into the sky, as if he could make the incredible creature appear again. Carrie simply sat there in the clearing, contemplating just how quickly and suddenly a world could be turned upside down.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter

    The following spoiler is a disclaimer which happens to contain the identity of the flying creature. If you haven't yet read the chapter, or have but still don't quite know what it is and don't want to be spoiled, do not click it. (Or you can just not click it anyway.)

        Spoiler:- Disclaimer:


    I also have a banner made, but it contains spoilers for this chapter, so I'll wait a few days for most people to read it then put it in my sig.
    Last edited by elyvorg; 14th June 2008 at 5:33 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  22. #22
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    *Applause* That was a great chapter, there.

    It had great description of the characters, setting, and actions. But not so much that it bored me and turnedd me off of reading.

    Although when reading the first bit, I thought the thing that the POV was from was Carrie, but a little into it I saw the description of a green arm so I realized that Carrie either had a pretty serious skin disease there or that it was the said pokemon from the prologue. After I cleared that confusion up I could continue to happily read.

    Raptola still has a very cute and innocent personality, that's very clear. I don't know what to make of the other three, yet, though. I have a feeling that Foliano is the leader, of sorts. I'll have to keep reading the next chapters to see, though.

    It's nice that you elaborated on the hatred for Sceptile (which, mind you, I never thought I'd see the day where you typed that name). It's better than Carrie and co. thinking It was ugly, so there was a good reason.

    I liked the conversation she had with her father. It contained good dialogue.

    Closing thoughts- It was a fantastic chapter and I'm looking forwards to reading about my favorite pokemon breed. Give more insight to the other three Grovyle's personalities (Not all at the same time, of course) but add subtle things. Keep up the good work.
    Digimon Club
    Chapter 14 of A Dragon in Shining Armour is up.

    Author's Profile (New)
    Banners by Sworn Metalhead ^ and Anastasia R. v ----pairs with Diamondpearl876
    Claimed: Grovyle (6/30/10) and a second time (11/10/13).

  23. #23
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    *mumbles about stupid computer not working*

    I tried to review yesterday, but my computer suddenly decided to be annoying and I couldn't post. Anyway, here I am once more, looking at a gorgeous chapter with the needed (splendid) description, the (superb) emotions and the (super) grammar.

    First of all, whee! I knew it was Archopy, I figured it out the day before you posted the last chapter, and boy Archopy looks even better if an Grovyle fan describes it, everything elegant and agile, that's Archopy. Anyway, I'm glad I was right and that the descriptions were super good!!

    Of course, it was bound to happen that Sceptile was going to be described and you did that just perfectly, using negative-sounding words for describing the CHRISTMAS TREE CREATURE OF DOOM!!!

    I'm curious to see what's gonna happen next, although I hope that Carrie's not just gonna follow Archopy, the dialogue between her father was also nice and it was a good idea to introduce a family member of her as well. The reason for Carrie's loathing of SCeptile was also good, although a bit rushed, but anyway, You once more produced a wonderful chapter, and you have me filled with jealousy

    as always, Highlights:

    It worked. She could feel herself lifting from the ground, supported by the full spread of her leafy wingspan. Screeching with joy, the sun on her back, she rose up into the clear blue sky. Her soul mate from the past had lived in fear and misery her entire life; it was time for this Pokémon to start making the most of what she had.

    Still screeching, she soared over the forest, gazing down upon the dark green sea of trees below.
    beautiful wording, and a quite touching moment, this Archopy is once more... FREE!!!

    Over the years she’d grasped the basics of their language and could understand the gist of their speech.
    so that is your excuse

    Raptola jumped, startled by his trainer’s show of emotions
    Cute little Raptola, hugs the little baby (woops, little)

    “Grooooo,” Raptola moaned from her shoulder. He was young and not as articulate as the other Grovyle, but Carrie knew it meant something along the lines of “Quiiiiick.
    Raptola, you're so damn cute and you know it x3

    Immense wings, large pastel green leaves instead of feathers whooshed through the air, spread out to catch the wind on a downbeat as it soared over. The body, similar to a Grovyle’s but longer and darker, rushed past, allowing Carrie only a glimpse of a diamond shape on its underside. The tail flexed elegantly, the five or so leaves on its tip rustling as it did so. Twisting around to see it fly away, Carrie stared at the creature with awe and complete respect.
    Taddaaaa! Archopy makes its entrance, and boy how gorgeously you described that creature, it's beyond words O___O

    A large, upright lizard with a squat, triangular head and leering, bloodshot eyes. A skinny upper body atop a wide lower body that looked almost fat in comparison, the whole of it a bright, unnatural green. None of the featherlike leaves of Grovyle, this Pokémon’s two arm leaves jutted from its wrists at pointless angles. Its back was studded with six bulbous, yellow seeds, and the tail was long and dark green with spiked “branches” coming off in all directions. Some people found its tail cool. Carrie thought it looked like a Christmas tree.
    Nice description! in the ugly way BTW, I just had to bold Carrie's comment, it's so hilarious!

    she finished sceptically.
    This just sounded so much like Sceptile that I had to highlight it

    ++++++

    See ya

    This is ~Aimi Hanako~ signing off
    Searching for Inspiration...

  24. #24
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    One question: If Raptola is a baby (or is he?) shouldn't he technically be a Treecko (unless I'm wrong).
    Digimon Club
    Chapter 14 of A Dragon in Shining Armour is up.

    Author's Profile (New)
    Banners by Sworn Metalhead ^ and Anastasia R. v ----pairs with Diamondpearl876
    Claimed: Grovyle (6/30/10) and a second time (11/10/13).

  25. #25
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    They burned through her mind like an awful chain reaction; one memory would trigger the next, which would in turn cause her to recall something else. Few of them were moments worth remembering. Most were simply filled with fear and grief and loss. Like her parents – she had found them dead one morning, killed by… Them? Who exactly were They? Despite the vividness of the memories, They remained obscure, almost hidden, as if she was seeing Them out of the corners of her eyes. Tall, threatening figures that seemed to exude evil and hate. And it wasn’t just her parents They had murdered. Others just like her mother and father, slaughtered without a second thought. The children, always spared, because they looked exactly like…

    This is totally more than a fan fic! Make it a book or something!

    I love it! Could you please put me o the PM list so i can keep track of it?
    Du, har stĺtt vid horisonten
    Du, har tittat mot havet om jorden var rund
    Men allt som du sĺg va en bĺt som försvann
    I dimman som rullade fram

    Jag, är inte rädd att flyga
    Jag, för ovanför molnen stĺr himlen pĺ glänt
    Som jorden och mĺnen vi dras till varann
    Men hĺll mig sĺ hĺrt som du kan


    ---Nicco --- Loved Twin --- Ricario --- Catale --- Wajas ---

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