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Thread: Lost Evolution

  1. #76
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    It's so hard to find specific examples for improvement when your writing is already great. Here's my little bit of advice: sometimes a single strong verb can be far more effective than verb and adverb combinations. Perhaps this advice could help you.

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    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

  2. #77
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    Sireath - Thankyou for the review. It's nice to know that my little argument thing between Carrie and Theo was noticed - I had fun writing that.

    What I'm interested in is how this chapter was mainly uneventful and didn't have much continuation. Could you elaborate? Because, as far as I'm aware, it had a lot of character interaction and emotion, introduced a human character as well as three Pokémon ones and resolved the mystery behind the Shroomish stampede, not to mention adding a few more unanswered questions. Did the lack of action bore you, perhaps? It disappoints me to hear that I'm boring my readers, and if you have any tips on how to make it so that future chapters aren't like this, I'd be glad to hear them. Especially as the plotlines for the next few chapters past 8 aren't yet set entirely in stone.

    Also, yay, the evolved thing is hated! Mission achieved! ^^;

    Apotheosis - Actually, that's a useful point you have there. I do notice sometimes that I overuse adverbs; I think my problem is being unable to come up with suitable strong verbs on the spot even though I have a decent amount in my vocabulary. I'll see what I can do to improve in that regard.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  3. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Sireath - Thankyou for the review. It's nice to know that my little argument thing between Carrie and Theo was noticed - I had fun writing that.

    What I'm interested in is how this chapter was mainly uneventful and didn't have much continuation. Could you elaborate? Because, as far as I'm aware, it had a lot of character interaction and emotion, introduced a human character as well as three Pokémon ones and resolved the mystery behind the Shroomish stampede, not to mention adding a few more unanswered questions. Did the lack of action bore you, perhaps? It disappoints me to hear that I'm boring my readers, and if you have any tips on how to make it so that future chapters aren't like this, I'd be glad to hear them. Especially as the plotlines for the next few chapters past 8 aren't yet set entirely in stone.

    Also, yay, the evolved thing is hated! Mission achieved! ^^;
    By little continuation, I was just referring to the Archopy storyline mostly. Saying "uneventful" was a poor choice of words on my part *buys you a sorry cake*. Lots can happen in a chapter without neccessarily pertaining to the overall story, so it wasn't boring at all. Don't worry about that. It wasn't really a comment of something you need to work on, it was more of a sticky note to go along with my review.

    Sorry if that confused you. I wasn't at my peak of communication skills when I wrote that.

    I did however catch the part where the Sceptile owner mentioned how the Roselia "didn't know anything", so there actually was a bit of continuation along those lines. My bad.

    Oh! that reminds me. At first, when he said "didn't know anything," I took it as it didn't know any moves and he was just after strong Pokemon to capture. I don't know that it's much of a big deal, seeing as how Carrie's reaction corrected my thought pattern right away. Just so you know though.

    *snatches a slice of your sorry cake, 'cause he's starving* :P

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  4. #79
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    One grammar nitpick, and only one that I saw!
    as none of her Pokémon were Fire type.
    Either:
    "...were of the Fire type."
    or...
    "...were Fire types."

    Well, I was the scared I was the only author here who expressed their hatred of certain Pokemon (for me it's Pikachu, Arcanine, and, to a lesser extent, most other dog-like Pokemon) in their fic, but thanks for proving me wrong!

    Anyway, looks like Aiden struck a nerve in Carrie and Velotus with the despicable behavior of him and that... more common Grovyle evo... On the other hand, the attitude of Pokemon and trainer in this case seem almost perfectly matched.

    Perhaps he should socialise more with his Pokémon? It wasn’t as if Theo was the sort of trainer to treat them as tools for battle. But most of the time they were let out, it was to help him navigate difficult terrain or excavate fossils. They didn’t get much chance to talk.
    Okay, now you're reading my mind I was just thinking that my own character doesn't spend enough time with her Pokemon, like Theo, and I was planning on trying to correct that deficiency...

    “There’s something else I can also tell you.”

    Carrie lowered her Pokénav and turned to face him. “What?” she spat, annoyed.

    Theo’s finger now pointed directly upwards, indicating something she had been too busy to notice gradually happening for the past hour or so. “It’s getting dark.”

    Carrie followed his digit and looked up. The sky had indeed turned a much duller shade of blue. Her eyes widened in surprise.

    “I knew that.”
    LOL! Her facial expression tells otherwise. But she's had a lot weighing on her mind, so give her a break!

    And Raptola remains the cutest baby Grovyle ever. His reaction and natural fear of seeing that big bad Sceptile and its equally big bad trainer clinches that title!

    I have the strangest suspicion that Aiden is somehow connected with MemorCorp, though I could be off my rocker. But Carrie has inklings that that connection exists too, so if I'm off my rocker so is she

    Like all four of Carrie's Grovyle, it seems that Theo's four Pokemon each have their own distinct personality, and once again you excel at showing that. The contrast between his affectionate Cradily and his emotionless Anorith ware very clearly shown. Well, Anorith may be a PokeBot, but there's a good reason why... I wonder if that'll come up as to what exactly went wrong there...

    Once again, a great chapter! I must say that this one's got me hooked, and the characterizations are spot on!

  5. #80
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    Sireath - That's good to know. Thanks for clearing that up.

    DarkPersian479 - Thanks for the review. I fixed up the grammar error, going for the first option because it sounds more elegant.

    Heh, this fic practically exists to express my opinions. Call it exploring them creatively if you will. Incidentally I didn't realise your hatred of dog Pokémon, I just thought you put in Fred for a comic-relief villain. xD

    Nice to know that the new characters are all quite distinct, as some of my previous character introductions were a bit vague. I'm starting to really enjoy working with my characters; I just seem to know how they'll react. Theo has five Pokémon, by the way. o.o

    Rappy is not just the cutest Grovyle ever, he is the cutest THING ever. Fact. :<

    I invite everyone to re-read earlier chapters and refresh their memory if they feel like it.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  6. #81
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    Because the forums verily detest my reviews, perhaps cos i'm awesome or keep telling the future, i've decided Chapter 7's i'll tell you on msn, if that's ok? I've written it out three times, (Not copying and pasting because I was tired and multitasking and it slipped my mind XD.
    So, if this message gets through, i'll exlpain.

    Though Carrie's lack of compassion for Roselia was a little disturbing, fair enough Sceptile was there, but she cared more about it then the dying Roselia.. -shrug-

    The tension could be cut with a leaf blade sentence was good too.

    MOAR review on msn >.>

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  7. #82
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    Default Chapter 8: Unrequited Rivalry

    Darkfall - You haven't been on msn yeeet ;-; *waits patiently*

    Roselia wasn't dying, just fainting, and well, Carrie has weird priorities sometimes. </end excuses>

    Chapter 8 is here! Slightly longer wait than normal because I've been battling both ordinary writer's block and minor plot block in the chapters after this, but it hopefully I'll have it beaten soon.

    A/N: The Pokémon speech has not been italicised this time as there are no human characters around who don't hear it as a native language, which is why I italicise it in the first place.

    Enjoy; I sure loved writing it.

    Chapter 8: Unrequited Rivalry

    Her tired wings rustled in a small breeze as she surveyed the scenery below her, lit by the dwindling twilight. She picked out a suitable landing site and circled once, twice, before descending, her claws effortlessly latching onto an outstretched branch as she glided down.

    Her chosen resting spot for the night was on the outskirts of the forest she had flown over throughout the day. The dark-leaved tree she now perched on was right at the edge, looking out over a small expanse of flat, grassy land. Though the light was sparse, she could tell that this grass was lush and green, so unlike the short yellowing plain from which she had begun her flight of freedom. Past the land was a body of water, far smaller than an ocean as dry ground could be seen flanking it in the distance on either side.

    While she had in fact never set eyes on water until this moment, she remembered what it was. She knew that drinking it would keep her alive, yet breathing it in would be deadly. She was aware of several such things from the memories that weren’t hers. But they held no knowledge of the square box in which her life had begun nor of the incomprehensible regular blocks of stone that she had occasionally glimpsed while in flight.

    Directly ahead over the water was another of these alien features: a horizontal structure of some kind – long, flat and unerringly straight. It was far off in the distance and held in the air by smooth sticks which appeared tiny in comparison to its immense size.

    She shook her aching head and turned her back on the unwanted sight, preferring the comforting view of the host of trees behind her. The notion of them seemed familiar, but the memories sadly didn’t recognise this particular forest in which she rested. They had not known of any of this land so far, but they held an image of the place where the creature from the past had lived.

    She knew, instinctively, that the stranger’s home was within reach, far off – but not too far. She had headed towards it the moment this instinct had arisen. It was the one place where she might feel safe in this foreign land.

    It was the one place where she hoped she wouldn’t be alone.

    * * *

    Velotus lay stiffly in the boughs of the tree, glaring up at the night sky as if the sheer intensity of his gaze could extinguish the stars. He was fuming; he felt that by rights, the branches around him should be ablaze with his hatred. The human’s Sceptile was the sole thing on his mind: its brutish arrogance, how much he loathed its species’ entire existence.

    Weak, worthless things.” The malicious words of the beast’s taunt rose in his mind again. Velotus gripped the bark of the tree viciously to stop himself lashing out at the insult like the first time. He took a deep breath and released his vicelike claws. Not yet, he told himself sternly. There’s nothing to attack.

    He thought of his trainer, how she’d restrained him from fighting when that was the one thing he had desired the most. He thought, too, of the bullying human’s infuriating words: “You know your little pet can’t win.” Were they true? Was that why he had been stopped from settling the score? Did his trainer think him weak, as well?

    Whether she did or not, she was still his trainer. He would not hold a grudge, because she cared about him, understood him, more than anyone else ever had. This was a mark of Velotus’ respect for her, as he himself knew that he had a fervent tendency to bear grudges.

    He could hear his trainer now, almost directly below him. She was sleeping, though fitfully, tossing and turning. The others – all of them, including the brown human and his two strange Pokémon – had also fallen asleep, leaving Velotus the only conscious creature in the clearing. He mentally scolded himself. He was supposed to have left once everyone was sleeping; it had been his plan. But something was subtly holding him back, making him put the moment off. Nervousness? Worse than that, fear?

    Did he fear it?

    A trickling of self-doubt began to creep into Velotus’ mind. Before it could lodge anywhere, he forced his body into action, throwing himself off the branch and letting his leaves catch the cold night air as he glided silently to the next tree, and the next, and the one after that. On the move, he had less time to think about such worrying things. Indeed, the doubt had vanished once he had started; he now felt bold, confident, sure he was doing the right thing.

    Arrogant?

    That would have been too ironic.

    Velotus’ foliage flashed in the night as he darted through the woods, determining his route from a mixture of guesswork and instinct. He knew that his quarry was still in the area. He could sense its location, though he could not have explained how. It must have been down to his powerful loathing for the creature he was headed towards.

    And there it was. Having passed a short stretch of woods filled with loud, rumbling sounds – presumably snores from the beast’s trainer – Velotus had reached a quieter cluster of trees. Amongst them, asleep but producing its own raspy snores, was the Sceptile.

    Velotus had sworn revenge and was determined to carry it out this night.

    He surveyed his prey. Its head rested against its skinny chest; its wide belly lay flat and exposed with that ridiculous tail in front of it. It was all too easy for Velotus to softly lift its hideous chin, and with a swipe of his luminous blade, strike the beast dead.

    But that was not what he wanted. He wanted it to realise how wrong it was.

    From a tree opposite, Velotus suddenly launched himself through the air above the Sceptile. His aim had been perfect; he gave a downwards swipe with his right claws on the way past, knocking it squarely on the head. The snoring abruptly stopped as Velotus latched cleanly onto a branch in his path.

    “Wh-whu-what? Who did that?” the Sceptile called into the night, a note of annoyance already entering its leering voice. With a large amount of awkward rustling, it pulled its bulky tail behind it and stood up.

    “Remember me?” hissed Velotus in a dangerous tone, revealing his position with the sound of the words. He stared coldly down at his foe from upon the branch, his extra height making him feel in control. “One of the ‘weak, worthless things’?” he spat with disgust. The taunt didn’t anger the Grovyle so much now. He felt calmer than he expected to be; he was there, he was doing what needed to be done.

    The larger Pokémon snorted and gazed up at Velotus as if it found him amusing. “The one that isn’t allowed to fight by its trainer? Yeah, I remember you,” it drawled.

    “That’s different now.” Velotus glared, unrelenting, into its bored-looking yellow eyes. The Grovyle mentally hesitated on realising that he was disobeying his trainer, the one he respected so much. Then he cast it aside; she hadn’t specifically forbidden him to seek vengeance. “She isn’t here, in case you didn’t notice.”

    The Sceptile tilted its head questioningly. “Your trainer seems to like small, weak things. Is she scared you might evolve if you battle too much?”

    Velotus frantically attempted to maintain his shield of calm; it was splintering at everything the monster said. “Why would I?” he spat, more forcefully than he intended. “What Grovyle would give their elegance and agility for a hideous form like yours? I could have evolved years ago, before I had a trainer.”

    “Oh, you’re one of those beauty-obsessed, anti-evolution freaks,” the Sceptile said, eyes widening in mock understanding. “Bunch o’ hippies, they were.”

    “Because we didn’t want to become arrogant abominations like you,” Velotus retorted. Staying calm was now obsolete; his new plan was to build his fury and use it as a weapon. “Look at yourself,” he hissed viciously. “You’re wrong. You shouldn’t even exist.”

    “I – what?” Finally, something seemed to offend the Sceptile. “What’re you saying?” it spat, taking a threatening step towards Velotus’ branch.

    The Grovyle was not intimidated. “I’m saying that your species didn’t always exist,” he snapped, delighting in the creature’s annoyance. “Us Grovyle used to evolve into something called Archopy. It was beautiful. It could even fly. Then your lot arrived and shoved Archopy away. You probably helped make it extinct, self-loving morons that you are.”

    His passionate monologue was followed by a short stunned silence from the evolved form. After a moment’s heavy thinking, it replied cautiously, “Archopy. That’s the thing my trainer told me to ask about. He never said…”

    Velotus let out a burst of gleeful laughter. “I’m not the only one with trainer issues, am I?”

    The Sceptile twitched, becoming annoyed. “But it’s dead now? All except one, or whatever. I can sort that when I find it.” It gave a smug grin. “We killed it before, we can obviously kill the damn thing again.”

    Sheer, intense fury boiled through Velotus. The night became illuminated with a brilliant neon green as his leaves flashed into scythes, sharp and deadly. He leapt forwards onto another branch, centimetres from the Sceptile’s face. Glaring into its eyes, shaking with rage, he hissed: “You will not.”

    “I can and I will,” the monster replied, apparently finding everything amusing once more. “Survival of the fittest, isn’t that what humans call it? I’ll just be proving Sceptile’s rightful position. How’s a weak, worthless runt like you going to stop me?”

    Seething, Velotus relinquished the enemy’s gaze and focused more purposefully on the dark ground below. Muttering, “Like this,” more to himself than to his foe, he forced his branch downwards with all his weight. The resulting upwards swing combined with a powerful jump sent him sailing high into the air, shining blades inadvertently slicing foliage off the tree as he shot up. He hung in midair for a split-second as he reached the peak of his flight, before turning his body and falling towards the Sceptile, his two scythes aimed precisely for its head.

    * * *

    A creature with wide leafy wings flew past, screeching, over the forest. It was Archopy, the most amazing, special Pokémon that ever existed, and she simply had to follow it…

    She ran through the forest and before long came across a Pokémon, standing next to a tree. It was Archopy! – no, it wasn’t; it was the very opposite: a Sceptile. The beast was cruelly holding something down; she glanced at the floor and saw that it was the Archopy, limp, not struggling. Terrified, wanting to save it but not knowing how, she ran on…

    Another short burst of running found her standing in front of a large, white building with a jagged hole in the wall. Without hesitating she walked through the gap, knowing that the information she needed was inside…

    She found herself in a dull, box shaped room with a Pokémon – a Grovyle! – slumped against the opposite wall, tube in its arm. Taking a step forwards, she recognised it with a rush of horror – it was Ivyx, lying there, drugged, about to evolve. She needed to do something immediately, so she reached forward…

    Suddenly, she was the prisoner in the tiny cell – no, it had always been that way – and a green human figure reached down and pulled the tube away from her. She wanted to yell, to protest, but she was drugged and her vision was blurred, then blinding white light blotted it out completely; she was evolving…

    The brightness died down, and she saw in front of her the small shape of Raptola. Of course, she had not been the prisoner; that had been her mind playing tricks on her. But Raptola was terrified; she had made the Grovyle in the laboratory evolve and now he was begging her not to do the same to him…

    She turned away from the distressing sight, and instead her eyes met Foliano’s. He looked equally horrified. He had been her most loyal friend, and by evolving the Grovyle she had disastrously let him down…

    So she turned once more, and this time, Velotus was in front of her. Furious, leaves formed into deadly blades, she knew with a dreadful certainty that he would never forgive someone who had done such a thing. So he leapt at her, glowing scythes slicing through the air as they rushed towards her throat…


    Carrie jerked awake, breathing heavily, her eyes slowly focusing on the shape of the dark tree canopy above. It took her a moment to realise with considerable relief that it had just been a nightmare; Ivyx was not MemorCorp’s prisoner, Raptola was not terrified of his own trainer, Foliano was still her loyal companion, and Velotus did not want to kill her. She flipped over in her sleeping bag and made herself comfortable again, though she kept her eyes determinedly open.

    Only Ivyx knew her crime, and it would stay that way. She did not want to return to those haunting dreams. Her eyelids began to droop. Carrie desperately tried to force them apart, to stay awake, but they were too heavy and she was too tired. With a feeling of despair, she fell helplessly into the nightmares once more.

    * * *

    The Sceptile quickly stepped backwards, avoiding the strike and causing Velotus to fall harmlessly towards the soft ground below. No matter, he had been expecting a dodge.

    The second he landed, the Grovyle dug his foot claws into the soil and thrust his body forward using the momentum from his fall. He slashed the foe’s chest once with his green weapon, the blow empowered by his seething fury. Moments later, he felt a searing pain up his left flank as the Sceptile attacked with its own, larger Leaf Blade, knocking Velotus aside.

    The Grovyle quickly got to his feet as he noticed the enemy’s heavy, spiked tail rushing at him. He jumped into the air, and the miniature tree swished past below. The appendage may have looked ridiculous, but it would have been devastating had it hit.

    Landing again, Velotus leapt forward once more and latched his vicious jaws onto his foe’s arm in an attempt to cripple it. His position meant that he had crunched down upon the Sceptile’s left arm, however, which would hinder it less. Even so, his teeth remained forcefully locked in place, unrelenting, like the loathing which spurred him on as the arm was waved around wildly in an attempt to shake him off.

    Yelling in anger, the Sceptile gave up that strategy and instead spat a round of glowing, hardened seeds at the Grovyle’s face. Velotus shut his eyes, but the impact of the tiny bullets on his head was enough to force him to relinquish his grip.

    He took a few steps backwards and watched with a trickling of smugness as the Sceptile massaged its thin green arm. Velotus had been the first to deal significant damage with his Crunch. His own wound from the opposing Leaf Blade had been reduced to mere stinging already as his natural resistance to his own type kicked in.

    The Sceptile’s right claws glowed with a greenish-brown energy, and Velotus scolded himself for letting his advantage distract him. He ducked the first swipe, easily leapt aside from the follow-up carried out by its weakened left arm, and took several more steps backwards into a space between two trees.

    The Grovyle quickly focused all his hatred, fury, everything the Sceptile had said to rile him up, and concentrated on how much the emotions burned. Before long he could sense his body glowing with a hot white light, distracting his foe as he knew it would – it appeared he was evolving. This was anything but the case, and the brightness rose to form several small globules of energy which Velotus fired at his foe one by one. It was too startled to dodge and screamed with the intense heat of the Fire type attack.

    Elated with the move’s success, Velotus rushed in for what he had in mind as a final blow. He didn’t see the Sceptile begin to spin quickly on the spot and was taken completely by surprise as its tail slammed into his side in retaliation. He cried out in agony from the piercing spikes and fell to the ground, winded.

    Velotus knew he couldn’t stay there. The darkness lit up with a luminescence he knew was not from his own scythes; they were not formed. Without any other option he stood up in a flash and leapt at the nearest tree, ignoring his screaming muscles as the large lizard’s blade swiped past where he had lain seconds ago.

    His claws dug into the bark, but he was instantly forced off it by a second slash of the Sceptile’s scythe. Velotus jumped blindly towards a second tree, managing by a miracle to grab hold. His enemy had him on the run, but he refused to give in. He had come here for vengeance, and he would find it.

    He leapt aside from another swipe but misjudged and crashed into the forest floor. The stinging pain from the tail slam flared up again mercilessly, and Velotus knew that he couldn’t keep dodging forever.

    Forcing himself to his feet, ready to jump at any second should the malformed tree rush at him again, the Grovyle formed his leaves into shining scythes and raised both to block an incoming attack. The Sceptile’s Leaf Blade would have scored a direct hit on Velotus’ face had his crossed weapons not halted the slash.

    Painfully aware that he was using the power of two scythes to hold still just one of his opponent’s, Velotus kept his arms firmly locked in place above his head. The Sceptile’s left arm was dangling unused at its side; either it was choosing not to use it, or the earlier Crunch had actually done some good.

    Still parrying the attack, Velotus tried to focus his anger into another fiery assault, concentrating on how much he loathed his foe. But his energy was all going into maintaining the deadlock, and the pain coursing through his body was distracting his thoughts. Worst of all, as he probed his mind for burning emotions, Velotus realised he was subconsciously reflecting on how badly it had all gone wrong, afraid of what would happen should he lose.

    Fear. He faltered as it flowed through his mind, saw with horror his firm blades flicker and fizzle out of existence. The Sceptile’s scythe continued on its path and slammed into Velotus’ head, knocking him to the floor for the second time.

    Dizzy and disorientated, mind swirling with emotions he did not want to think about, he forced himself to remain conscious, to stay fighting. As Velotus pushed himself to his feet once again he spotted the beast’s tail rushing towards him from the right.

    He knew with despair that he was too dazed and exhausted to dodge, so instead he braced himself as the heavy, spiked formation smashed into his previously unscathed right flank. Agony coursed through Velotus’ brain; the trees around him seemed to spin as he was thrust unceremoniously through the air and landed flat on his front.

    After a few moments, the ground underneath him ceased to move of its own accord. His mind stopped drifting a few metres away from his head as he became acutely aware of his situation. Determined to continue, the Grovyle stubbornly ordered his screaming limbs to force himself up.

    Most Pokémon would have accepted defeat at this point, but not Velotus. He was powered by sheer loathing and the reckless desire to prove his adversary wrong. Cold, hate-filled eyes fixed the Sceptile with a glare of pure poison as he struggled to rise, a glare that said, “I will not forget this.”

    The creature leered at him as its bony claws glowed with the same greenish-brown aura as before, viciously slashing the unmoving target. Velotus screeched with pain that felt as though his sides were splitting open; his arms gave in and he crashed to the floor.

    “That’s for saying I shouldn’t exist,” the Sceptile announced, a wide, smug grin dominating its squat face.

    “You… shouldn’t…” hissed Velotus defiantly through gritted teeth, exerting himself just to push the words out.

    His towering foe poked him with clawed toes, rolling the Grovyle onto his back. Velotus lay prone, unable to move as the wide foot was placed firmly on his stomach and a glowing Leaf Blade slid into existence just above his throat. He thought ruefully of the human guards from earlier, how he was just as helpless now as they had been then.

    “You see,” the Sceptile told him conversationally, not looking down, “I could kill you if I wanted to. But what’s the point? You’re just a Grovyle.”

    Indignation burned through Velotus’ mind like acid, but he was trapped, exhausted, unable to move. All he could do was glare venomously at the monster blotting out the stars, lit up by neon light from its own blade.

    “So I won’t bother,” it continued. “You’re nothing. I only kill threats.” The Sceptile finally looked down at Velotus, gazing maliciously into his eyes. “Like that Archopy you told me about.” Grinning, it withdrew its blade and pushed the Grovyle roughly onto his front again with its foot.

    Velotus stared dejectedly at a fallen leaf in front of him as he listened to the Sceptile walking away. He wanted – he needed – to get after it, prove to it how wrong it was, protect Archopy. But those had been his intentions at the beginning of the fight, and now he lay there, bruised and exhausted. A complete failure.

    Perhaps Grovyle were weak and worthless? Velotus’ stubborn side protested vehemently at the very idea, but he’d known that he was one of the stronger members of his species out there. If he couldn’t defeat his evolved form, what Grovyle could? Despairing thoughts slowly dampened his fiery loathing, and his vision grew fuzzier as he slipped into unconsciousness.

    The last thing which crossed his mind before he blacked out was his trainer. What would she make of him disappearing in the night for revenge? What would she think of his failure…?

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 15th June 2008 at 12:11 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  8. #83
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    I have to say, this fic has glued my eyes to the computer screen. ^^;; Loved the prologue as well as every chapter. I like the way you explained how did Archopy dissapear in the past chapters, y'know, the genetics-stuff-etc-thingy.

    Didn't find any grammatical mistake in this chapter (which is the only thing I'm good at when reviewing fics, I guess) unless I am blind.

    Keep up the good work, I can't wait to see more. ^^

  9. #84
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    Oh cruel Elyvorg. Your fic sucked me in once again when I should have been working on my own one.

    That said, I agree with you, BEST CHAPTER YET.

    I really like Velotus again, he really reminds me of...well I'll tell you over MSN since here's not really the approapriate place. Exemplary description and emotions. I feel awful for Velotus, which also reminds me of... nevermind xD.

    But yes, superb chapter.

    *runs off to finish my chapter*
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    I don't know what to say... really i don't have a word for how fantastic this is! I can imagine Velotus on the ground defeated but not ready to give up, even thinking about he maybe should evolve to become stronger! It's amazing how you can write so good! If i continue i'll probably just repeat myself so i'll stop with this words; YOU ROCK! Keep that in mind when you write!

    I'll continue be an loyal fanfic reader of yours!

    //Zessibelle
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    I dimman som rullade fram

    Jag, är inte rädd att flyga
    Jag, för ovanför molnen stĺr himlen pĺ glänt
    Som jorden och mĺnen vi dras till varann
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    Glaring into its eyes, shaking with rage, he hissed: “You will not.”
    Personally, I would use a comma instead of a semicolon, but I suppose both would be acceptable...

    HOLY. FREAKING. WOW. That skirmish between Velotus and Sceptile was the most intense battle I've seen in recent memory. Your chapters have been intense before, but... wow, this one sucked me in and wouldn't let go until your Archopy banner was fully visible on my screen.

    Only piece I could find that I would like you to expand on perhaps: Where was Sceptile's trainer during all this? If he was still in the forest sleeping nearby, wouldn't the noise from the conflict awaken him? I'm not gonna ask why Carrie didn't notice the (lack of) Velotus when she was scared awake; I'll just assume she didn't bother to direct her attention up to the tree where he would normally be perched.

    Though the theme of the chapter was Velotus' struggle (both physically and emotionally, as I'll delve into later), the pieces about Archopy's thoughts of its escape were well done, capturing the thoughts of a creature with no memories except artificial ones. And Carrie's dream sequence shows that her unintended triggering of that Grovyle's evolution is building inside of her and may reach some sort of breaking point later.

    Looks like in this contest, power (Sceptile) won out over agility (Velotus) even though he did put up one heck of a rage-fueled fight. Though what really drew me in was his own self-doubt after finally falling in defeat. Is it worth taking on an uglier, less graceful form in the pursuit of more power? Was his perception of the Sceptile species wrong? Does he doubt remaining in his Grovyle form now that he was just taken down? And is it worth betraying a trainer, partner, and friend for the purpose of exacting revenge?

    Velotus raises some VERY thought-provoking questions at the very end.

    Again, an incredible chapter. You have outdone yourself this time

  12. #87
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    Excellent imagery and tension in the chapter. Near the beginning though, you put "it drinking it", so you probably just repeated a word on accident.

    Also, you can take this advice or leave it, but sometimes thoughts don't really have to be in quotations or italicized.

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    Emerald Latias - Whoo, new reader. *hands out cookies* Thanks, it's great to know that I'm still attracting new people despite being a slightly daunting eight chapters in. Don't feel that negative comments are the only part of a good review; if you mention what you liked and why you liked it, it'll still help. Unless you protest, I'll be adding you to the PM list as you want to see more.

    Griff4815 - Yay for the best chapter yet, though like I've mentioned on msn, the next one's nowhere near as good. >.< I love Velotus, too. He's just so damn fun to write.

    Zessibelle and DarkPersian479:
    even thinking about he maybe should evolve to become stronger!
    Is it worth taking on an uglier, less graceful form in the pursuit of more power? Was his perception of the Sceptile species wrong? Does he doubt remaining in his Grovyle form now that he was just taken down?
    ACK. *explodes*

    That was NOT the intention. Velotus loathes his evolved form, and the entire point of his night time excursion was to prove to it that Grovyle weren't weak. If he were to evolve to beat it, it would COMPLETELY destroy the point, and would prove nothing. The last few thoughts of his were meant to show how he might be forced to accept that Grovyle are weaker than their evolved form, not to hint at him considering evolving. It takes a lot to change an opinion as strong as his, and losing to it will have made him hate it more, not less.

    Erm. Rant over. I just got rather disturbed at the idea of Velotus considering evolution.

    DarkPersian479 (more generally) - I'm so glad that the battle turned out well. It was really difficult to combine description of actions with Velotus' thoughts at each twist of the battle, so I'm really pleased to hear how well I did.

    The moves used in the battle wouldn't have made much noise; the loudest sound would probably have been the Sc... the thing's scream of pain. Aiden wasn't that close to them, so given his loud snores he probably wouldn't have heard. Blah. Excuses, but it was kind of vital to the scene that no humans witnessed the battle. As for Carrie, it was dark so all she'd be able to see of the canopy above her would be a vague shape.

    I'm really happy with the self-doubt, too (apart from the misunderstanding about evolution), and I'm going to have some fun with that in later chapters, I hope.

    Apotheosis - *stabs one of the "it"s into non-existence* That's what I get for editing something during a proofread, then forgetting to proofread the edited sentence thoroughly enough.

    Actually, I think that I don't always italicise thoughts. Those that I choose to write as the exact phrase forming in the character's mind, such as the Not yet, there's nothing to attack, I put in italics to show that it is in the character's mind so it doesn't confuse anyone with the sudden present tense and first person. But most of the thought process ends up being converted into past tense third person and blended into the narrative. For example, Did his trainer think him weak, as well? is a thought of Velotus' which I chose to leave as narrative. Had I italicised it, it would have been Does my trainer think me weak, as well? which has a slightly different effect.

    As for quotations, the "You know your little pet can't win" is in quotation marks as it's a direct quote of what Aiden said earlier. In retrospect, the Weak, worthless things should really be in quotation marks too to maintain consistency, so I'll edit that.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

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    Best chapter ever?

    Certainly the most adrenaline filled one. I was very much glued, to the point that I still havn't gotten properly dressed yet, and it's now 2:00PM...

    Anyways, naturally I LOVED the fight between Velotus and Sceptile, however a couple of comments.
    First off, have you ever debated giving the Sceptile a nickname? It would take things onto a more personal level if it DID have one, however, contrary to some peoples possible beleif, this would be a bad thing.
    I for one, like the fact that Sceptile doesn't have a nickname, as it makes it more representational of the entire species. Which is a very good thing. But once again i'm making those arguments with myself again arn't I? Imagining someone thought something, then debating against it... Oh well :3

    The fight scene was brilliantly done. A couple of moments of, "Wait, what?" but nothing to point out as a quick re-read confirmed anything anyway.
    The reason the fight scene worked so well was because of the way you linked Velotus' emotions with everything he did, but also put that spark of fear and doubt into his mind, the kind a character like Velotus, who's pride is their power, would have when facing a possible loss. It also humanizes (I refuse to say Groyvleizes as that sounds cheesy) Velotus, making him out to be not just a rage filled teapot of steaming vengence. (What the funk...? O.o)
    Also, the language used was top-notch stuff. All this "Venomus, vehement" stuff, powerful words for a powerful rage. VERY well done.

    I especially liked how you had the "Burning emotions" lead DIRECTLY to HP Fire. It's such a simple and easy thing to do, yet it makes the read a lot better in my oppinion. It makes sense, and just works.

    I noticed how Aiden slept through all this, my assumption is he has ear plugs because he seems the type to hate forests and stuff. Of course I just made that up on the spot mind.

    Perhaps my favourite paret of the fic?
    conscious creature in the clearing.
    I am a SUCKER for good alliteration (Which should be renamed as it isn't 'litter' in the slightest) and this one was just beautiful o.o, it was crisp and nice and sounded pleasant in my head :3

    Carrie's dream scene felt a little rushed.... It could have played better in my oppinion, and no I don't mean rushed as in, a whirlwind of emotions caught on some speedy tail wind like I assume it was supposed to be, I meant rushed as in, you wanted to write it really quickly. It felt that way because the lack of.. Well magic.
    You writing has a certain charm to it, that the dream lacked, maybe the description of Carrie's emotions in the different situations, the confusion she must have felt... It felt lazy to be honest, kind of "Oh, that's how it was, wait, no oit wasn't, oh well, now it is", a little like "whatever, something happening, whatever". She did worry about the Grovyle, but it didn't seem real. (And I don't mean that in terms of dreaminess, I meant it didn't feel real as in, human)
    So ultimately, where Velotus gained some extra humanity, Carrie seems to be loosing hers slightly, granted the dream symbolised a lot of her guilt and shame, but it wasn't well portrayed within the dream itself...

    Arcophy, who's name I will continue to spell wrong untill I eat breakfast, is a great character. She has all these conflicting memories, and doesn't know what to think, other then, "Go home, wherever Home is" which is nice and makes sense.
    You can clearly see her fragility and exposure, and she seems the type to run from something rather then fight it, so it should be interesting to see just how Carrie befriends it, if indeed she does. Here's hoping that it's not a simple matter of her or her Grovyle talking to it, since Archophy seems the type to not trust humans at all. Despite what may be said, Arc (deal with it >.>) would probably not really know much about humans, minus the fact that they poked her with needle and stuff, which is bad.
    Still, the effect of realising she's alone will really break her already fractured soul, poor thing, I want to hug her.
    It's like, she is essentially the most fragile thing in the fic, and things will only get worse for her, untill some big climatic event.
    And we know the dissapointment she's going to feel, because let's face it, unless Memorcorp decided, there's probably not going to be anymore Arcophy.

    Which brings up Memorcorp again, they don't appear to be evil in the slightest, if anything it looks like they're trying to bring back extinct Pokemon... Doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with that to me, though they CLEARLY have some evil intention or other right?

    So, best chapter ever? Hell yes.

    Well there's your Altaria flavoured reveiw, which I write because I enjoy your fanfic, and it's nice to give something back... Though I noticed that new readers get cookies... I want a cookie too

    But first, I oughta get dressed >.>
    Last edited by Darkfall; 19th November 2007 at 2:24 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Emerald Latias - Unless you protest, I'll be adding you to the PM list as you want to see more.
    Fine with me! =D I'd love to see more of it! And I might even end up making fanart of Archopy...if it's okay with you, of course. ^^;;;;

  16. #91
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    Darkfall - You can have a cookie for writing a review long enough that I feel obliged to reply in quotes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Best chapter ever?

    Certainly the most adrenaline filled one. I was very much glued, to the point that I still havn't gotten properly dressed yet, and it's now 2:00PM...
    Only just up, and it's 2pm? Someone's had a lie-in =P
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Anyways, naturally I LOVED the fight between Velotus and Sceptile, however a couple of comments.
    First off, have you ever debated giving the Sceptile a nickname? It would take things onto a more personal level if it DID have one, however, contrary to some peoples possible beleif, this would be a bad thing.
    I for one, like the fact that Sceptile doesn't have a nickname, as it makes it more representational of the entire species. Which is a very good thing. But once again i'm making those arguments with myself again arn't I? Imagining someone thought something, then debating against it... Oh well :3
    No, I never intended to give it a nickname. In fact, you might have noticed that I never referred to it as merely "S.......", using its species as a name, but always as "the S.......", (no, I will not type that name outside of a chapter xP) using it more as a title. I did this for the wild Pokémon too; I think I felt that sounded better simply because no-one knows the Pokémon well enough to be calling it by a name. For some reason I felt myself inclined to do the same for teh ugleh thing despite it having a trainer, perhaps to avoid a feeling of familiarity with it, or perhaps because of what you said about it representing the entire species. Nice take on it that is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    The fight scene was brilliantly done. A couple of moments of, "Wait, what?" but nothing to point out as a quick re-read confirmed anything anyway.
    If you can remember any of those bits, drop them by in PM or on MSN; I aim to get rid of "Wait, what?" moments altogether, so pointing them out may help me in future.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    The reason the fight scene worked so well was because of the way you linked Velotus' emotions with everything he did, but also put that spark of fear and doubt into his mind, the kind a character like Velotus, who's pride is their power, would have when facing a possible loss. It also humanizes (I refuse to say Grovyleizes as that sounds cheesy) Velotus, making him out to be not just a rage filled teapot of steaming vengence. (What the funk...? O.o)
    Also, the language used was top-notch stuff. All this "Venomus, vehement" stuff, powerful words for a powerful rage. VERY well done.
    XDD. That is such an amusing image, Velotus as a teapot, yet somehow it oddly fits. Not much else to say here except to gush again about how much I like Velotus' personality and writing his parts.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    I especially liked how you had the "Burning emotions" lead DIRECTLY to HP Fire. It's such a simple and easy thing to do, yet it makes the read a lot better in my oppinion. It makes sense, and just works.
    Well, it's difficult to think of any other justification for how a Grass type can use a Fire type move, and... yeah.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    I noticed how Aiden slept through all this, my assumption is he has ear plugs because he seems the type to hate forests and stuff. Of course I just made that up on the spot mind.
    My excuse for that one is in the reply to DarkPersian's review above. Not saying it again as it makes me sound doubly excuse-ish. ^^;
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Perhaps my favourite paret of the fic?
    conscious creature in the clearing
    I am a SUCKER for good alliteration (Which should be renamed as it isn't 'litter' in the slightest) and this one was just beautiful o.o, it was crisp and nice and sounded pleasant in my head :3
    Aaaaand you'll probably be immensely happy to know that the alliteration there was completely by chance. Don't go expecting other stuff like it soon, as it was a total fluke. xD
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Carrie's dream scene felt a little rushed.... It could have played better in my oppinion, and no I don't mean rushed as in, a whirlwind of emotions caught on some speedy tail wind like I assume it was supposed to be, I meant rushed as in, you wanted to write it really quickly. It felt that way because the lack of.. Well magic.
    You writing has a certain charm to it, that the dream lacked, maybe the description of Carrie's emotions in the different situations, the confusion she must have felt... It felt lazy to be honest, kind of "Oh, that's how it was, wait, no oit wasn't, oh well, now it is", a little like "whatever, something happening, whatever". She did worry about the Grovyle, but it didn't seem real. (And I don't mean that in terms of dreaminess, I meant it didn't feel real as in, human)
    So ultimately, where Velotus gained some extra humanity, Carrie seems to be loosing hers slightly, granted the dream symbolised a lot of her guilt and shame, but it wasn't well portrayed within the dream itself...
    I think the reason that the dream scene was unclear and fuzzy is because, well, dreams AREN'T all that logical and emotions in them aren't that defined. My aim for that scene was to make it read as much like a real dream as possible, instead of other dream scenes that I read which make everything clear and logical, because dreams just aren't like that.

    I spent a lot of time preparing for that scene by thinking about recent dreams I'd had and how weird and fuzzy they were. The main thing I noticed is that you always tend to accept whatever situation you find yourself in, however implausible it may be, as being perfectly normal. That, and you can often have rather abrupt transitions from one place to another and you don't bat an eyelid, so I was trying to convey both of those concepts in the scene.

    As for dream emotions, I might be slightly inaccurate in my experiences here as the last nightmare I've had was when I was three years old, but I find that emotions are rather detached and vague, like I know that I'm supposed to feel bad about something but I don't really feel it myself. So I was trying to convey that, too.

    I think the bottom line is that this scene is rather subjective; some will find that the hazy, illogical style fits the purpose, others may consider it confusing and lazy. I changed my writing style slightly for it, as well, to try and reflect the mood, so that's probably why it lost its "charm". Don't worry, though, I'm not planning on using the style permanently, and the non-italicised part after Carrie wakes up is me going back to normal Carrie-writing-ness.

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Arcophy, who's name I will continue to spell wrong untill I eat breakfast, is a great character. She has all these conflicting memories, and doesn't know what to think, other then, "Go home, wherever Home is" which is nice and makes sense.
    You can clearly see her fragility and exposure, and she seems the type to run from something rather then fight it, so it should be interesting to see just how Carrie befriends it, if indeed she does.
    Fwee. :3 It's nice that I created (slightly unintentionally) such a feeling of sympathy for her.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Here's hoping that it's not a simple matter of her or her Grovyle talking to it, since Archophy seems the type to not trust humans at all. Despite what may be said, Arc (deal with it >.>) would probably not really know much about humans, minus the fact that they poked her with needle and stuff, which is bad.
    Heehee, I don't plan on it being simple at all. Actually, Archopy currently doesn't even know humans exist, as she never set eyes on one during her short life in the "box", hence why she's rather confused about all these weird regular shapes she keeps seeing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Still, the effect of realising she's alone will really break her already fractured soul, poor thing, I want to hug her.
    It's like, she is essentially the most fragile thing in the fic, and things will only get worse for her, untill some big climatic event.
    And we know the dissapointment she's going to feel, because let's face it, unless Memorcorp decided, there's probably not going to be anymore Arcophy.
    Double fwee. This reminds me of the unintentional similarity Archopy has with the Doctor (and no, I don't expect everyone reading this post to know what I'm on about. It has nothing to do with the fic, really). :3
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Which brings up Memorcorp again, they don't appear to be evil in the slightest, if anything it looks like they're trying to bring back extinct Pokemon... Doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with that to me, though they CLEARLY have some evil intention or other right?
    Um. Trying to come up with a nice, teasing, mysterious response to this which doesn't give too much away, but I can't. I AM replying to the forum's best mind-reader, after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    So, best chapter ever? Hell yes.

    Well there's your Altaria flavoured reveiw, which I write because I enjoy your fanfic, and it's nice to give something back... Though I noticed that new readers get cookies... I want a cookie too

    But first, I oughta get dressed >.>
    Yes, you'd better. xD

    Emerald Latias - Archopy fanart... well, I can hardly stop you, seeing as a certain Altaria fan has already drawn some of his own, and I've even had a friend draw Archopy for me, unasked. What I do ask is that if you post it anywhere, you state clearly that it's my Fakemon, not yours, and that your picture may not be totally accurate of what it looks like (I'm seriously paranoid about readers imagining it differently to how I do xD). Of course, if you just draw it for fun and never show anyone, you don't need to worry.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

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    The first scene with Archopy was good, not only in the way it was written, but also in the aspect that we were getting to see more of the Pokemon that is the primary focus of this fic. One thing I must bring up though is that I am lost as to what the big flat thing on sticks is. Obviously, everyone else caught it, 'cause they didn't ask. I get that it's a building, but I don't understand the stick part. Help purge my helpless ignorance!

    I don't know if I am alone in this or not, but I very much feel for the poor Archopy's plight. I want it to find its haven and reach its semi-known destination. I feel as though it has a mystery of its own to solve, and want to be there to see it. How you play out her part is going to be a tightly observed subject of mine.

    Whatching Velatus in the next scene was very crisp, and by that I mean I could understand everything clearly. His emotions were easy to feel, and you convinced us to take his side. This was all very wonderful, but the way you closed off the scene was simply awsome. Couldn't think of a better way to cut off.

    The next scene, the dream, was a bit of a dissapointment though. It's like you took the controls of your writing ability and turned down the dials to less than half for everything. I think I know what you were going for. Sometimes, we can think that dreams ought to be distant and surreal. This doesn't mean to revert back to your early days of writing. Dreams require just as much attention to detail, description, and thought, as any other part of writing. The goal is not to distance your readers, but to bring them so close in that they can get a feel for how bizarre the dream is. Dreams might not be as crisp as regular scenes, but they oughtn't be cut and dry.

    Unfortunately, whatever you were going for with the dream sequence didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, with a little more effort on my part, I could still feel Carrie's fear. However, when you see all the errors I got from that scene alone, you might be surprised.

    The battle scene, in contrast, is one of the greatest Pokemon battles I've ever seen. You portray each action with the reader right at Velotus' side. Applause and happy dancing in your computer chairs!


    My highlights:
    While she had in fact never set eyes on water until this moment, she remembered what it was. She knew that drinking it would keep her alive, yet breathing it in would be deadly.
    I just found this bit to be incredibly clever. One doesn't usually give thought to "breathing" water, but having a creature who had never seen water before consciously think about it was a good call on your part.

    He mentally scolded himself. He was supposed to have left once everyone was sleeping; it had been his plan. But something was subtly holding him back, making him put the moment off. Nervousness? Worse than that, fear?

    Did he fear it?
    The whole scene where he is questioning himself was marvelous, but when I reach this part, it tops it all. I love it, and know by Velotus' character that the prospect of him being afraid is almost as bad as it could get (even though you show an even greater inner-strife later on).

    The Sceptile twitched, becoming annoyed. “But it’s dead now? All except one, or whatever. I can sort that when I find it.” It gave a smug grin. “We killed it before, we can obviously kill the damn thing again.”

    Sheer, intense fury boiled through Velotus. The night became illuminated with a brilliant neon green as his leaves flashed into scythes, sharp and deadly. He leapt forwards onto another branch, centimetres from the Sceptile’s face. Glaring into its eyes, shaking with rage, he hissed: “You will not.”
    WOOT 4 Velotus!!! Death to the over pompus, beer gutted, just-threatened-to-kill-the-super-special-awsome-Archopy Sceptile! Okay, enough with the cheerleading. I chose to point out this part because it is the perfect example of what to say to piss off Velotus (or any one of the main company of people really). I could just feel his seething anger.

    Velotus stared dejectedly at a fallen leaf in front of him as he listened to the Sceptile walking away. He wanted – he needed – to get after it, prove to it how wrong it was, protect Archopy. But those had been his intentions at the beginning of the fight, and now he lay there, bruised and exhausted. A complete failure.

    Perhaps Grovyle were weak and worthless? Velotus’ stubborn side protested vehemently at the very idea, but he’d known that he was one of the stronger members of his species out there. If he couldn’t defeat his evolved form, what Grovyle could? Despairing thoughts slowly dampened his fiery loathing, and his vision grew fuzzier as he slipped into unconsciousness.

    The last thing which crossed his mind before he blacked out was his trainer. What would she make of him disappearing in the night for revenge? What would she think of his failure…?
    This las bit is extraordinary. Seeing Velotus think thoughts like these is probably the most powerful image you've put across in this fic. What a climax to an amazing chapter!


    Anyway...
    Here's all the grammatical stuffs I've found in this chapter (now dat I'm actually looking). I put it in spoiler tags so I wouldn't bother everyone else with my long-windedness.

        Spoiler:- Zee GRAMMARZ und ozer ERRORZ:

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Now this list is long, but your main problem is an easy one to look out for in the future. I'll give you a few explanations for clarification. On the chance that you already know well enough what to do with compound sentences, I've put it in spoiler tags as not to annoy you with an overly-basic explanation.

        Spoiler:- grammar lesson:


    I hope this has all helped you. Oh, and don't worry, I did read through the whole chapter for full enjoyment before going all Grammar Nazi. I have a policy of - read first, ask questions later.

    I loved the whole thing, by the way. Although I found quite a few mistakes, it was mostly commas and didn't distract from the overall pleasure of reading. You are doing a great job, and I eagerly await the next installment.

    P.S. don't ask me about the moose.

    Good Fortune!
    Last edited by Sireath; 21st November 2007 at 9:38 PM.

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    Sireath - The big flat thing on sticks isn't a building. It's flatter and much, much longer, as well as being held over water which generally doesn't happen with buildings. I'm not going to reveal exactly what it is as the purpose of that part was to lightly hint at and allow people to guess Archopy's location but not to tell them outright. Perhaps the elaboration I've just done here might help.

    The closure of the first Velotus scene was good? Interesting; I was worried that people may feel slightly jarred at me cutting off just as the action starts and resuming at the exact same point later.

    Dreams require just as much attention to detail, description, and thought,
    But they don't. In dreams, I never find myself paying attention to small details, I simply glance at something and assume that it is what I think it is.

    (Please ignore the way the opening sentence of above paragraph sounds noobish and single minded. @_@)

    But obviously my attempts at making the dream scene hazy and weird were a total flop. I honestly don't know how I could have made it both surreal and fairly crisp at the same time, though, so I won't be attempting anything similar again.

    I just found this bit to be incredibly clever. One doesn't usually give thought to "breathing" water, but having a creature who had never seen water before consciously think about it was a good call on your part.
    But of course, Archopy would know about breathing in water, as she drowned in her past life. =P

    Thanks for the more general part of this review; I do enjoy reading such reviews more than grammar nitpicks, after all.

    Sireath's Inner Grammar Nazi - First of all, allow me to stab the forums several times with a stick of celery. *does so* They simply HAD to die after I'd edited in all the grammar corrections but BEFORE I clicked the Edit button, didn't they? As such, they never actually got through. I will edit them all over again the next chance I get when the forums are working perfectly.

    Next, I thank you for the grammar lesson. I thank you a lot less for putting it after the corrections, as you had me mentally screaming, "What the heck is a compound sentence?!" until about halfway through by which time I had just about worked it out on my own.

    Thing is, I never learnt grammar as a set of rules. I simply read books like hell, and I find that where to put a comma comes instinctively when I write, so I often misjudge and misplace one simply because it sounds right. In particular for the dream scene, I was attempting a more storytelling kind of style which in my mind had pauses in unusual places or a lack of pauses where there should be some, so I just blithely put the commas where I felt they sounded right. I know this is an excuse, but I'm just trying to say that I understand why the dream scene was so gramatically all over the place.

    Anyway, the grammar lesson was in fact very useful as it did teach me things I didn't know. I'll just have to hope that I can adapt to doing everything you said instinctively, as I really don't want to stop and think, "Ooh, this is a compound sentence, better add a comma," while I'm writing. Don't worry though, I will pay more attention to it during proofreading and will hopefully pick up any that slipped into the wrong place.

    Now I'll just comment on a few of the corrections which I hadn't (before the forums were so kind as to eat my entire edit) changed as I disagreed with them. Go ahead and PM me telling me how wrong my disagreement is, if you want.

    I think this ought to all be one sentence. Not only is it a bad (but common) mistake to start a sentence with words like "but", but the "they in the second sentence directly corresponds to "the memories" in the first. Although you might disagree at first, saying that it makes a run-on, it doesn't, and I'll explain why. (skip this if you understand)
    Sometimes "but" (and other conjunctions (connectives? I forget the difference)) can be used stylistically at the start of a sentence to add emphasis (I am aware that you already know this, but, erm, yeah). I'd rather leave this one as it is because the "But" emphasises how she knows nothing of the human buildings. That and, however you simplify its meaning, there is no denying that that second sentence is long, and I'd rather keep them seperate as they seem like an absolute mouthful to read in one go.

    Alright. So, as you can see, the second sentence is a fragment - plain and simple. The question of how to fix it, however, is fairly complicated. The first sentence is a simple sentence (but there's no way I am going to write another paragraph defending that. Stupid big-mouthed head of mine), so you could put the two together. Actually... now that I think about it, combining the two probably would leave it simple. Anyway, back on topic. Putting the two together would be as simple as turning the periosd to a comma, but that would leave you with a comma filled, dragged on sentence. My suggestion would be to rewrite the second completely, maybe something like this:
    Spoiler:- example:

    Limb after limb passed underfoot as his claws swiftly latched onto bark, releasing their hold a mere instant later as the silent green form propelled itself forward seamlessly harnessing its momentum.

    Just an example, you could do whatever or leave it. Your choice.
    o.o;

    That is, frustratingly, so much better than anything I could think of unless I was really trying to dress it up. In hindsight, I should have done something other than an incredibly bland "and the next, and the one after that", but as I detailed in PM, I don't like editing actual content. So I'll change the full stop (yay for Britishness) but I'll grudgingly leave it with a boring, over-comma'd sentence ending.

    In sentence number two, you have another compound in which you used a comma. You could use either a semicolon or a period here for an easy fix.
    I have an issue with this which is difficult to explain, so first let me quote the sentence in question for ease of reference.
    Furious, leaves formed into deadly blades, she knew with a dreadful certainty that he would never forgive someone who had done such a thing.
    I think the misunderstanding is that you took "formed" as a verb, but I intended it as an adjective which makes the first part not a whole sentence but a fragment (is that what you call it? Damn grammatical terms) describing Velotus' state at the time. Admittedly the sentence still sounds iffy, but I honestly don't have a clue what to do with it apart from rewrite, which I'm not going to do, so please do PM me on this one. @_@

    Your third sentence has an issue of a different kind: you start it off with "and so". That phrase is one that is seldom okay to use in any case... ever... it is poison O.o ... poison! But enough with the exaggerations, you can snuff it out, and I don't think the sentence following will be harmed.
    That's another crime stemming from my over-storytelling-ness in that scene, and it does indeed sound majorly corny. But I left the "so" there, just to highlight the inevitability of Velotus attacking her.

    P.S. don't ask me about the moose.
    I thank you for adding this in, as by the end of reading your grammar section I was beginning to get confused and frustrated. It cheered me up. =D
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  19. #94
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    O.o oh... so it wasn't a building. I thought it was when it said it was long and flat. Ok, so I'm feeling a little smarter knowing i wasn't supposed to know what it was, but dumb because I thought it was a regular building-ish thing. Anyhoo, thanks for clearing that up.

    By description and detail, I don't mean that you treat it like a regular scene and everything. It's hard to explain. When you dream, you don't notice everything around you, but what you do see should be clear. Key points in a dream are basically what comprise it, and define what thoughts are made of it.

    In basic point, the surrealism of a dream is brought by what happens, and the clarity is made by how it's presented. Trust me, I've had my own bad runs trying the same thing you did, so I can relate.

    BTW, you didn't sound noobish, you were making a point that is valid, though in my experience, impractical.

    That's right... Archopy drowned. Heh, I forgot all about that. So it makes even more sense than I initially thought.

    Understood about the general part of reviewing before grammar (hence the spoiler tags). I do hope I'm getting better at it.

    I'm so sorry that I didn't move the lesson before the corrections. I was going to when I posted, but then I forgot . Sorry, I'd change it, but there's no point now.

    I guess i just assumed that you knew all these things from how well you write. The grammar lesson was more of a just-in-case afterthought. Don't worry about it though. With time using commas where they're needed will be second-nature, there are still those pesky instances where you can forget though. Expect a PM in reply to the rest of your post.

    Afterthought: ya know, if I can comb through a chapter and locate more errors than any other reviewer, why can't I keep them completely out of my own fic? *fumes* I hate irony...

    BTW, you're welcome for the moose.

    Good Fortune!

    Now up in the Fanfiction Forum!


    banner a collaboration between Warlord-Pickle and myself

  20. #95
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    Default Chapter 9: Head in the Sand

    So, after getting over the minor plot block and writing Chapter 10, the longest chapter yet, I finally bring you Chapter 9. Please, don't expect it to live up to the last chapter's standards - it has a distinct fillery hint about it. Enjoy if you can.

    Yes, I suck at introducing my chapters. =D

    Chapter 9: Head in the Sand


    The remains of a dead fire lay a few metres in front of her as Carrie slowly awoke. She had been dreaming again. That much she knew, but the exact content was a haze, blurred together with so many other nightmares which had plagued her that night. Seeping back into full consciousness, she registered that the spent firewood was actually visible; dawn had broken.

    Carrie stretched and sat up in her dark green sleeping bag, knowing that trying to grab a few more moments’ sleep was hopeless, even though the sun was barely over the horizon. Instead, she glanced at her surroundings in an effort to occupy herself until someone else woke.

    Theo lay on the opposite side of the clearing in his own sleeping bag, clearly not about to wake soon of his own accord. Beside him slept his Cradily, her tentacles undulating even while asleep. Anorith was lying next to his trainer as well, but it was impossible to tell if the trilobite was awake or not as he barely moved in either state of consciousness.

    In the canopy above her, Carrie could see Raptola’s sleeping form carelessly sprawled over several branches. No doubt her other three Grovyle had concealed themselves far more successfully in the boughs.

    As her eyes flicked past the jumble of forest in front of her, Carrie suddenly detected movement. A shape, low to the ground, was gradually approaching between the trees. She forced her eyes to focus in the dim light, for it couldn’t be what she thought it was, could it? It appeared to be a Grovyle, crawling – no, dragging itself – across the ground.

    Carrie jerked herself to her feet as a pang of horror struck. The sleeping bag entwined around her legs caused her to trip, and she grabbed wildly at a branch above to steady herself. This set off a number of alarmed squeals and scuffles as Raptola was roughly yanked awake by the movement, but Carrie paid him little heed. She had just recognised the approaching creature. It was Velotus.

    He was in a terrible state. Huge bruises and scratches tarnished his smooth body, many of his leaves were nicked or bent, and a long, straight mark stood out in the middle of his forehead. More painful to observe was the way this creature who usually shot between trees at unmatched speeds had been reduced to such exhaustion that he could barely crawl. And the look in his eyes was so unlike the Velotus she knew that Carrie could only just believe it was him. He had never seemed this utterly defeated, and it shocked her to the core.

    She was dreaming. Surely this had to be just another dream, more thought out by her unconscious mind so that it retained some semblance of believability. If this was the case, it was eerily vivid, as Carrie could hear frantic rustlings and snippets of high-pitched Grovyle speech above her telling her that Raptola had seen Velotus and was alerting the others.

    To hell with it. Dream or not, Velotus needed help, now. She kicked her sleeping bag aimlessly behind her and rushed to aid her Pokémon. It was only when she reached him that she realised she had no idea how to help. Potions? He was beyond their aid, that much was clear from the sheer number of bruises standing out morbidly against his skin.

    Velotus came to a halt as his trainer kneeled down beside him. It seemed that he had reached his destination, and his muscles had simply given up. The Grovyle was facing the ground with a distant expression on his face, his arms just managing to prop up his weakened body. Carrie stared at her fallen Pokémon, still finding it impossible to take it in.

    The build-up of panic and worry which had been rising within her suddenly burst out of her mouth in the form of legible words. “Velotus!” she spluttered, trying to sound concerned rather than accusatory, but succeeding only in sounding scared. “What happened?”

    Her Grovyle’s only response was to narrow his eyes and look away, continuing his silent downwards glare.

    Carrie craved an explanation, but if Velotus wasn’t saying anything there was no changing his mind. Though this was typical of him, she could not quell the numb feeling inside her, as if her own strength had left along with that of her Grovyle. She sighed, wanting to comfort her Pokémon somehow but knowing that her efforts would be futile.

    A pair of claws poked her gently in the arm. Foliano had appeared by Carrie’s side, concern on his face. “Pokémon Centre,” he told her softly.

    No… I don’t need…” Velotus managed to growl between juddering breaths.

    The other Grovyle looked him calmly in the eye. “You do.

    Wavering, Carrie stood up and nodded. It would be a blow to his pride, but a Pokémon Centre was the best place for Velotus right now. She should have realised straight away, but her mind had been numb with the unreality of it all.

    “He’s right,” she told Velotus apologetically. She reached for her jacket, which lay beside her bag underneath the tree, removed his Poké Ball and fired the red beam at his prone form. His battered face scowled, but he didn’t resist as his form morphed into shapeless light and was sealed inside.

    Carrie’s eyes narrowed as she scanned the surrounding forest. Her mind was not focusing; she couldn’t remember which direction Verdanturf Town was in. She briefly considered consulting her Pokénav, but that would take a few moments. Time was precious, as the Poké Ball would not stop Velotus’ condition from deteriorating.

    Time had always been precious; what had she been thinking?

    Spurred into action, Carrie swallowed a large lump of her pride and thundered over to the other sleeping bag in the clearing. “Theo! Wake up!” she yelled, practically in the man’s ear.

    He remained sleeping, but his Cradily did not. With a high-pitched, “Craaay!” her head shot up, twisting in a full circle to see what was going on. She caught the urgent expression on Carrie’s face and dropped her gaze to Theo, poking him with one of her mad tentacles. He stirred, so she continued prodding until he was fully awake.

    “Cradily, what?” he mumbled sleepily. Then he caught sight of Carrie standing over him like she was about to explode. “What’s going on?” he protested muzzily. “It’s not even properly light yet…”

    “Which way’s Verdanturf?” Carrie burst out with no explanation, giving him a look which demanded an answer now.

    “Uh…” Theo sat up in his sleeping bag and gained his bearings. “That way,” he said after a moment, pointing across the clearing. “Why do you want to know?”

    Wordless, Carrie dashed across the clearing once more. She placed Velotus’ Poké Ball in its coat pocket, her sleeping bag in her bag, and grabbed both, pulling on the jacket over her dark-green T-shirt. Foliano, Ivyx and Raptola led the way as she stormed off into the forest, finding time to yell, “Catch me up at the Pokémon Centre!” over her shoulder.

    Thoughts of Velotus flew through her head as she ran. Carrie swatted each aside for now and focused on reaching help as quickly as possible. Resting inside its pocket, the Poké Ball containing her fallen companion thudded at each step against her swiftly beating heart.

    * * *

    WAITING ROOM

    The sign didn’t do it justice. Granted, it was a room in which one waited, but the waiting itself seemed far deeper than anything which could be summed up in two simple words. It was full of worry, anticipation, indefinite hopes. The worst part was that Carrie didn’t even know when the wait would be over; it could have been another minute or another hour of agony she would have to endure.

    Yes, that small, neat pair of words was nowhere near enough to sum up the torture in store for an unsuspecting trainer.

    Carrie scanned the room in an attempt to notice something which would pass time. The wide walls were coloured a soft lavender, and several sofas in unsuccessfully relaxing shades of pink and purple were scattered around. A lone door led back into the lobby area, giving her the feeling of being trapped in the place. There were only two other people in the room with her: a young girl in a pale dress whose pink curls clashed horribly with the sofa she sat on, and a teenage boy with dark red hair and a casual outfit. The former appeared rather worried; the latter merely looked bored.

    Not finding herself occupied with looking around, Carrie fixed her eyes once more on the small, bold sign hanging directly above her. She stared at it blankly for a few moments, then a vague thought floated through her head. Why was there a sign telling her she was in a waiting room when she already knew?

    She closed her eyes in exasperation. Her brain was struggling for distractions, anything at all which could possibly put her off thinking about Velotus. She knew he was strong, knew his wounds weren’t too damaging, but the look of alarm on the nurse’s face as she conducted a preliminary scan was burned into Carrie’s mind.

    Her other Pokémon would have been able to calm her down, had they been allowed in the waiting room – they weren’t: something to do with disturbing the peaceful environment, apparently. She craved Empathy and Foliano in particular to numb her pain, the Espeon for his prowess and care with emotions and the Grovyle for his simple understanding of how anything would make her feel. At that point, she would have settled for any familiar face to talk to, though she didn’t yet feel up to conversation with the two strangers in the room.

    Footsteps sounded from the only doorway, and both Carrie and the pink-haired girl’s heads turned eagerly at the sound. A large brown figure walked into the room – Theo. Carrie sighed and mentally took back what she had been thinking a moment earlier. She was not in the mood for explaining or making excuses.

    The man looked annoyed, but on seeing Carrie’s anguish-filled expression he softened and merely plonked himself on the opposite end of her violet sofa. “So what is going on?” he asked in a whisper after a moment’s silence.

    Sparing him a small glance, she stated, “Velotus is hurt.” Her eyes flicked back up towards the taunting sign as she tried not to remember just how hurt the Grovyle was.

    “Velotus? Hurt?” blurted Theo, incredulous, before lowering his voice again. “How did it happen?”

    “I don’t know,” Carrie asserted, though she was trying to convince herself as much as Theo. By now she had a very good idea of what had happened, but it tormented her just to think about it. There was no way this near-stranger would be told.

    The brief conversation dissolved into silence as Carrie began intentionally looking anywhere but at Theo. She felt far more uncomfortable with her burden of worry now he was around; it was something she would rather keep to herself and those close to her. Determinedly, she tried to hide how much her Pokémon’s peril was affecting her, realising with a pang that it was the sort of attitude Velotus himself would take.

    Another figure slowly approached the doorway, almost causing Carrie to jump out of her seat from sheer tension. It was the nurse who had given the frightening look of alarm on scanning the Poké Ball, though her face now wore a warm, kind expression, framed by her wavy black hair.

    “Miss Woods?” she asked, looking at Carrie. The curly haired girl, who had been watching the nurse hopefully, sighed and lost interest.

    “Yes?” Carrie snapped, not knowing whether the nurse’s smile was genuine or a mask worn to sugar-coat bad news.

    “You can come through to see your Pokémon now.”

    Carrie could have strangled the woman. She had been desperately awaiting a verdict on Velotus’ condition, and the nurse had to leave her hanging for a few more moments. Couldn’t she have at least mentioned it?

    Not happy, Carrie stood up and allowed herself to be led out of the waiting room, noticing with some gratitude that Theo was opting not to follow. She was taken into the main lobby area: bland cream-coloured walls and a plain reception desk with a bored woman leaning against a piece of equipment which any trainer would recognise as the machine that healed Pokémon. Only the ones with basic battle wounds, though. The more seriously injured were taken into a back room which Carrie now entered.

    She was struck by the glaring whiteness of the walls; the large, oblong room reminded her unnervingly of MemorCorp. Beds of various sizes were lined up along the sides, only three occupied. Two of the Pokémon she barely registered, as her eyes had just clocked a slim green figure. Carrie rushed past the nurse and over to her Pokémon’s bedside, thankfully noting that Velotus’ form was now smooth and unscathed and that he appeared healthy, though somewhat tired.

    Relief pumped through her veins, cleansing the agonising pessimism which had been plaguing her for so long. Tension seemed to flow out of her mouth in one long breath, her body and mind feeling infinitely more relaxed.

    Then the flow of regained happiness halted as her eyes travelled down Velotus’ arm. It had a drip in it.

    That small object turned everything on its head. Carrie knew that this was a Pokémon Centre, that the drip would do no harm, but still she felt that the situation was not stable with the tube there, pumping substances into her Grovyle.

    A tiny part of her instinct wanted to whip out the drip then and there. A much stronger side of her mind stamped it out, terrified of the possible consequences.

    The nurse had been standing at a respectful distance, seeming to exist only for the purpose of answering questions. Carrie fired one at her, pointing fiercely at the tube. “What’s that doing there?”

    The woman seemed taken aback. “It’s there to help – it contains a mixture of relaxants and painkillers. Your Grovyle seemed both aggravated and in pain, so we decided upon the best combination of chemicals to calm him down.”

    Carrie narrowed her eyes. “What’ll happen when you take it out?”

    “He’ll slowly revert to his normal self. Nothing bad. Why?”

    Carrie dropped her accusing look. She stared distantly past the nurse before changing the subject. “Is he okay now?”

    The nurse nodded. “He’s fine. He just needs to rest for a few hours before he can leave.” She looked piercingly at Carrie. “He sustained some pretty serious physical wounds. It seems like he was in a battle with something much stronger than him.”

    At these words, Velotus’ dull eyes flickered into alertness, giving the nurse the best glare he could in his artificially relaxed state.

    Not noticing, the woman continued her scolding. “He was pushed far past his limit. Any good trainer should know to recall a Pokémon from battle when they are badly hurt.” Her dark brown eyes bored into Carrie like they were interrogating her.

    Resentful of the false accusations, she averted her gaze. Her dreadful theory had pretty much been confirmed. Velotus had sought what he had wanted earlier the previous day; he had battled Aiden’s Sceptile. And it had gone terribly, drastically wrong.

    Velotus’ failure tortured Carrie. Not because her Pokémon had lost a battle, but because of the simple truths of stronger and weaker that it spoke of. It laughed at the fact that she kept her Grovyle pure.

    Realising that the nurse was still giving her a glare reminiscent of an angry teacher, Carrie said the one thing which was both truthful and wouldn’t offend Velotus. “I won’t let it happen again.” The woman nodded courteously and stepped back to allow Carrie some time with her Pokémon.

    She kneeled down to her Grovyle’s eye level. Velotus gave her a look which was partly indignant at being in a Pokémon Centre, partly ashamed – of himself, it seemed. Carrie gazed sadly at him, wondering just how to phrase what she wanted to say.

    “Velotus,” she began in a whisper, then stopped. However she tried, she couldn’t think of anything to say which wouldn’t mentally grind him further into the dirt. The Grovyle must surely be battling his raging emotions; he had enough on his mind without his trainer amplifying them. “Have a good rest,” Carrie finished, before standing and turning to walk away, unable to meet her Pokémon’s eye.

    Feigned unawareness of Velotus’ situation seemed like the best option for now. Sometimes the things one knew were better left unsaid.

    * * *

    The quiet town of Verdanturf consisted of friendly neighbourhoods, surrounded on almost all sides by lush forests. Travellers from the nearby bustling city of Rustboro would emerge from Rusturf Tunnel – a route dug through an obstructing mountain to link the two places – and stop by before continuing onwards on their journey. Very few others ever passed through the town, making it an area generally left to its own devices.

    It was still early in the morning, so Carrie and Theo saw nobody else as they relaxed on a wooden bench outside the Pokémon Centre. Carrie in particular, who had had a restless night and a burden of worry since waking up, was glad of the weight being lifted and the chance to unwind a little.

    Opposite the wide pathway which served as a road lay the Pokémon Mart, a large, blue roofed building selling supplies for trainers. It was empty at such an early hour, unlike the Pokémon Centre, identically styled but with a striking red roof. Down the road were a few other commercial buildings: cafés, a non-Pokémon shop of some sort, but overall the town centre was feeble in comparison to many others around Hoenn.

    Carrie was staring at an advert in the Mart’s window without registering what it said. She aimlessly wondered what might have happened if she had reigned Velotus in that previous night, guessed his actions and forbidden him to seek revenge. Would he have obeyed? She was not sure; such a stubborn creature could be difficult to predict. Only Velotus would deliberately fight something… she was loathe to admit it, but something stronger than him. Her other three Grovyle wouldn’t have considered it.

    Thoughts of her other Pokémon led Carrie to realise that she still hadn’t released any of them since leaving the Centre, despite having craved their understanding in the waiting room. Being outside and with someone without one of her own companions felt odd, so she reached for her Poké Balls and set the three Grovyle loose. Remembering her thoughts during the agonising wait, Carrie decided on a whim to release Empathy as well.

    Foliano and Ivyx appeared in a flash of light and clocked their unfamiliar surroundings before climbing onto the bench to stand next to their trainer. Carrie felt a familiar tickle as Raptola clambered up her back to his vantage point behind her shoulder. Empathy yawned upon emerging and rubbed his head absent-mindedly against his trainer’s leg. The affection was cut short as his fluffy whiskers twitched. The feline gazed up at the others with a questioning, “Esp?”

    Velotus was hurt,” explained Foliano, sparing the psychic cat a glance. Empathy needed no elaboration and nodded before rubbing once more against Carrie’s leg. She reached down and ran her fingers through his warm, silky fur.

    Is he better now?” Raptola was bobbing impatiently up and down, a worried note to his usually cheerful voice. All four pairs of Pokémon eyes turned on Carrie for the news.

    “He’s fine,” Carrie assured them. “He’s just resting for now. He’ll be back with us in a couple of hours.” She caught the relieved and satisfied expressions on their faces and opted to say no more. They didn’t need to know the true reasons for –

    Why was he hurt?

    Carrie turned her head and saw Raptola’s innocent, curious eyes peering into hers. She froze. If anyone was better off not knowing the truth, it was him.

    He probably got attacked by wild Pokémon, sweetie,” Ivyx assured the small raptor, sounding unconvinced by her own words. “Don’t worry about it.

    Oh.” The young Grovyle’s head drooped sadly.

    Carrie shot Ivyx a worried glance. She returned it with a, “What was I meant to do?” look. The trainer frowned and patted Raptola consolingly. Her other Pokémon might work it out given time – they might already have guessed – but she hoped fervently that Raptola never found out the true reason for Velotus’ injuries.

    A few moments of silence passed, during which Carrie began to feel an increasing sensation of awkwardness. She looked down at her Espeon, who was in turn watching Theo stare thoughtfully into space beside her. The uncomfortable feeling grew, and Carrie grasped the notion that he had something to say.

    “What is it?” she asked.

    Theo turned to her curiously, then his eyes flickered briefly towards Empathy’s deep blue ones. Surprise changed to comprehension, and he started talking. “I’ve been thinking about how best to reach Northern Canyon.”

    “Across the river, then up Route 119?” Carrie cut him off before he could get started. Route 119 was a wooded riverside path that led to Fortree City, and she knew it well.

    “No,” Theo said. “That won’t be quickest.” Carrie frowned, and he elaborated. “That’s the long way round, keeping to well-known roads. If we cut diagonally through the middle, we’ll save time. Admittedly we’ll have to cross some mountainous areas, followed by the desert, but…” He trailed off. Carrie could only assume that rocky and sandy were high on Theo’s list of preferred terrains.

    “Can’t we go the scenic route?” she ventured.

    “Mountains make great scenery, too,” Theo said defensively. “Besides, Archopy flew over a whole forest yesterday. Do you really think that only you saw it?”

    Carrie paused for a moment, eyes wide as realisation dawned. “Point taken. As soon as Velotus is back, we’d better get a move on.”

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 15th June 2008 at 12:13 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  21. #96
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    Whee! First review!


    Yeah, it's kinda strange for me to show up so early, isn't it? Well, I think you received His/her Pm as well, so you would probably be able to guess why I am reveing al ready. Well, let's leave that behind us for now, Chapter reviewing time.

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Please, don't expect it to live up to the last chapter's standards - it has a distinct fillery hint about it. Enjoy if you can.
    It indeed has that feel, the lack of action, perhaps? Well whatever it was, that may be the reason why the chapter thrill me so much as the others, but you said yourself, there was no way this chapter would live up to the previous chapter's standards.

    However, this chapter was, instead of action, much more emotional-oriented, though we all know why. Velotus is hurt?! OMG! Velotus! That's not possible! which our inned sides all screamed, although this actually made me think how Carrie would react if it was another of her Grovyles.


    Raptola and Velotus would probably cause most worry (Raptola) or shock (Velotus). The other is tiny, innocent and doesn't have as much battling experience as the others. And Velotus is a proud fighter, a power with confidence (overconfidence?).

    Ivyx and Foliano would probably make Carrie jolt with concern as well, but they don't have the attitude, or manner of acting to truly cause Carrie to run for her life. She would, no doubt, be concerned, but there calmer manner of life, I don't know, I think that has an effect.


    Oh, and I figured almost all the bases of your pokemon's nicknames (completely off-topic, but what the heck ) Foliano: Foliage, Ivyx: Ivy methinks, Raptola: raptor and Empathy and Crescent are pretty obvious, only Velotus got me stuck.


    Well, here's the highlights of Chapter 9!

    He was in a terrible state. Huge bruises and scratches tarnished his smooth body, many of his leaves were nicked or bent, and a long, straight mark stood out in the middle of his forehead. More painful to observe was the way this creature who usually shot between trees at unmatched speeds had been reduced to such exhaustion that he could barely crawl. And the look in his eyes was so unlike the Velotus she knew that Carrie could only just believe it was him. He had never seemed this utterly defeated, and it shocked her to the core.
    Oooooh! The emotions are really conveyed well here!

    A pair of claws poked her gently in the arm. Foliano had appeared by Carrie’s side, concern on his face. “Pokémon Centre,” he told her softly.
    The other Grovyle looked him calmly in the eye. “You do.

    My, Foliano's sentences just really evoke power. So short, yet so direct.

    Carrie scanned the room in an attempt to notice something which would pass time. The wide walls were coloured a soft lavender, and several sofas in unsuccessfully relaxing shades of pink and purple were scattered around. A lone door led back into the lobby area, giving her the feeling of being trapped in the place. There were only two other people in the room with her: a young girl in a pale dress whose pink curls clashed horribly with the sofa she sat on, and a teenage boy with dark red hair and a casual outfit. The former appeared rather worried; the latter merely looked bored.
    Nice description. BTW, looks like Nurse Joy was the designer here, all the pink! x3

    That small object turned everything on its head. Carrie knew that this was a Pokémon Centre, that the drip would do no harm, but still she felt that the situation was not stable with the tube there, pumping substances into her Grovyle.
    A tiny part of her instinct wanted to whip out the drip then and there. A much stronger side of her mind stamped it out, terrified of the possible consequences.
    Everybody run! The drip of dooomm is back!

    *coughs*

    So yeah, pretty serious with Carrie here, man that incident really sticks to her like a leech.


    “Velotus,” she began in a whisper, then stopped. However she tried, she couldn’t think of anything to say which wouldn’t mentally grind him further into the dirt. The Grovyle must surely be battling his raging emotions; he had enough on his mind without his trainer amplifying them. “Have a good rest,” Carrie finished, before standing and turning to walk away, unable to meet her Pokémon’s eye.
    Such beaty is the concern for your pokemon, I can't wait to see if Carrie has a talk with Velotus in the next chapter, I think it would really be interesting. Who knows what Velotus' is gonna say then x3

    Is he better now?” Raptola was bobbing impatiently up and down, a worried note to his usually cheerful voice. All four pairs of Pokémon eyes turned on Carrie for the news.

    Whee! Raptola!

    *hugs the wittle cutie to death... almost*

    Why was he hurt?

    Carrie turned her head and saw Raptola’s innocent, curious eyes peering into hers. She froze. If anyone was better off not knowing the truth, it was him.
    Whee! Again! X3

    “Across the river, then up Route 119?” Carrie cut him off before he could get started. Route 119 was a wooded riverside path that led to Fortree City, and she knew it well.

    “No,” Theo said. “That won’t be quickest.” Carrie frowned, and he elaborated. “That’s the long way round, keeping to well-known roads. If we cut diagonally through the middle, we’ll save time. Admittedly we’ll have to cross some mountainous areas, followed by the desert, but…” He trailed off. Carrie could only assume that rocky and sandy were high on Theo’s list of preferred terrains.

    “Can’t we go the scenic route?” she ventured.

    “Mountains make great scenery, too,” Theo said defensively. “Besides, Archopy flew over a whole forest yesterday. Do you really think that only you saw it?”

    Carrie paused for a moment, eyes wide as realisation dawned. “Point taken. As soon as Velotus is back, we’d better get a move on.”
    Mountain and Forest Freak Batlle! Commence! x3


    +++++++++


    *waves*

    +Aimi Hanako+


    P.S. I suck at ending my posts
    Searching for Inspiration...

  22. #97
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    Arrrgh.

    Not only did I procrastinate some more, but there's been so much going on in the past few weeks I've hardly had time to analyze everything.
    needless to say I owe you three reviews, and don't worry about me not reading. It's just too gripping so far for me to not want to.
    Oneshots and perhaps fanfics coming soon.

  23. #98
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    Aimi Hanako - Thanks for the review. Yes, this chapter was filler because I just needed to have a PokéCentre scene after Velotus' loss, and I also needed to establish the route they're going to take. It's just too long to couple together with anything decently plot-ish, especially as the next chapter is quite a bit longer anyway. But at least it seems that the emotion was enough so that I didn't bore people.

    I reckon that any of Carrie's Grovyle being greviously hurt would cause her to "run for her life", as you put it, but Velotus is probably the most interesting simply because of the sheer "This should not be happening" factor.

    Names:
    Foliano = foliage + liana (a kind of woody, viney plant, apparently), tweaked to sound male.
    Ivyx = ivy + Archaeopteryx.
    Raptola = raptor + solar, tweaked a little.
    Velotus = Velociraptor + lotus.

    So you're right on all that you said, but there's more to it than that. =P

    Nice description. BTW, looks like Nurse Joy was the designer here, all the pink! x3
    She probably would have been, had I chosen to make her exist in my fic. I decided on the slightly more realistic option of scrapping Nurse Joys altogether and simply having the nurse(s) in each Centre be totally different (and also, the nurse and the receptionist are two different people).

    Everybody run! The drip of dooomm is back!

    *coughs*

    So yeah, pretty serious with Carrie here, man that incident really sticks to her like a leech.
    It's relieving that someone liked that part. I had the feeling that it was a bit shoved in for the sake of the drama with no real purpose, but yeah. Good to know it, er, didn't seem so deliberate.

    Oh, and stop hugging Rappy. He's mine. :<

    InsaneTyranitar - Heh, you're the second person I've had today saying that they owe me reviews and will try to get them done sometime. I'm glad that you feel the need to catch up on reviewing chapters you missed - I said this before, but it is great seeing as not everyone does.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  24. #99
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    Nice expression of physical and inner pain on Velotus, you can really see the guilt he feels right now.

    "Mad" tentacles. God that's the coolest Cradily EVER.

    thudded at each step against her swiftly beating heart.
    Nicely done that, with the heart reference and such.

    Carrie's caring nature is really coming into things, but she retains her stubborness. Very well done indeed.

    Loved the expression, Theo has a little more character, which is cool, and Carrie is superbly shown.
    The emotion of the other Pokemon is done well also, it's not OTT but it is in enough.
    I can currently somewhat relate to Carrie, as you know... and that's why Idon't have much to say... I'll add more as I see it but my mind ain't too focused at the mo. Sorry.

    The window of connection between the reader and Carrie is finally open, I feel a draft of development blowing through.

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
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  25. #100
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    Darkfall - As I have said, whoo, SUCCESS. And whaddaya know, I wasn't even trying this chapter. o.O Guess that goes with what you said about if you put in epic effort, you will get epic fail. From which I hope that I DON'T end up with epic fail later, as I did try to do the things we discussed in the next chappy.

    Yay for Theo as well, and like I said he gets a tad more spotlight in the next chapter.

    Nicely done that, with the heart reference and such.
    By that do you mean that it was a nice image, or that it was a nice reference to how Carrie feels emotionally about things? Because I don't think the latter was intended.

    Neither do I think that that question actually gets across what I properly meant to ask, so bottom line is this: don't bother reading between the lines, because I don't write between them. Not that much, anyway.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

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