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Thread: Lost Evolution

  1. #26
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    I'll be the one to start off the reviewing!

    So, we've got a new person, somewhat on the mysterious side, but he seems nice enough. However, I can't shake the thought that he's up to no good. His aura is mysterious with sinister hints, and that worries me. I'm also kinda worried about that Milo, what if he turns against Carrie? Anyway, there are heaps of possibilities for you to take so I'll await the next chapter with impatience.


    Personality of the Grovyles seemed to lack somewhat. I'm not saying it was bad, just could be a little more fleshed out. Previous chapter Foliano and Ivyx were fairly ignored and had no defining charasteristics, and now, while Ivyx was shown to be a rather thoughtful Grovyle, with hints of snobbishness, lucky she conceals those parts. You mentioned that yourself. Raptola was once more the little cutie, but I missed our cool Velotus here. Foliano also needs more defining characteristics.


    Now, my review aside, here are the highlights:

    He was quite bulky for a human – though Ivyx saw all humans as bulky, this one was particularly so. She wasn’t a very good judge of human age, but he looked to be a few years older than her trainer. On his head was a ruffled brown patch of fur – no wait, what did they call that again? – hair. He was wearing clothes of varying shades of brown too, and was carrying on his back a large – very large, big enough to fit two Grovyle in with room to spare – beige rucksack.
    This is a beautiful way to describe a human, done by a Grovyle x3 It was funny, and it really made clear how pokemon would think of a human, instead of a human of a pokemon.

    He had a point, like always. Carrie hadn’t really given it much thought. She guessed that she’d been subconsciously planning an introduction along the lines of “Hi, my name’s Carrie, tell me everything you know about the creature that just flew past”. This clearly was not the way to go now she was presented with a much more sensible option, she realised sheepishly.
    Indeed a brilliant way Carrie *sarcasm*

    She stood up. Before she knew what was happening, Raptola had bounded into his usual position on her back and was bouncing excitedly, squeaking something that approximated to “I wanna battle! I wanna battle! I wanna battle!
    Raptola, you damn little cutie x3

    *firmly grips the little baby*

    I'd also like to mention that I'll be out of my country from Saturday 22nd September to Sunday 30th September, and as such I won't be able to write or review at all during that time, so the next chapter will take a while to be done.
    ****! I'm gonna space out my updates a little more so that a friend of mine can read the other chapters. This will probably mean that the next chapter may be in the period that you're away.

    Anyway, once more, keep up the great work

    ~Aimi Hanako~
    Searching for Inspiration...

  2. #27
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    spot on with the name. Except you spelt Archaeopteryx wrong, but I'll let you off on that one. xP *has Archaeopteryx as her MSN name*
    Damn, and I call myself a dinosaur expert :P

    The thing I liked about this chapter was that I was just going to look at just the first part of the chapter and then read and review it later. But I ended up reading more and more; unable to stop.

    Velotus- he seems rather pessimistic, into himself, and frankly a LITTLE bitter. He's still my favorite, though.

    Something confused/surprised me.

    And her adorable little Raptola – he’d be more excited than ever.
    Does this imply that Raptola is Ivyx's and Foliano's child? Because I know, from your old Trainer card, that Ivyx and Foliano have "a thing" (which is cute). Oh and speaking of cute, Raptola is still equally so.


    A pretty good battle scene. One thing bothered me though (and this is just me). The grass knot. To me, Grovyle's are pretty much flesh and bone pokemon, they don't have any place for vine whips to come out, like Bulbasaur and Bayleef. (I know that grass knot was used in a different way but I'm just using vine whip to prove my point) It really bothers me when I'm reading a fic and I see a Treecko using Vine whip, because....how does it work? I just can't really picture it. Thats just a pet peeve of mine so don't let it bother/ change any future plans.

    Nice chapter, keep up the good work. I can't wait to come back for more.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  3. #28
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    Aimi Hanako - MY Rappy! *hugs* The paragraph of Theo's description from Ivyx's point of view was incredibly fun to write, I'm glad someone noticed it. And don't worry about me being away when you post your next chapter - I'll just give you a really late review.

    Griff4815 - That summary of Velotus is pretty accurate, although the pessimism wasn't really intended - he's just been rather brooding since Archopy's appearance. Yes, Raptola is their child, I was hoping that hint would be picked up on.

    I don't quite get what you meant about the vine thing, seeing as Raptola's Grass Knot came out of the earth, and Grovyle can't learn Vine Whip at all.

    Thanks for reviewing both of you. More reviews would be gratefully accepted.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Aimi Hanako - MY Rappy! *hugs* The paragraph of Theo's description from Ivyx's point of view was incredibly fun to write, I'm glad someone noticed it. And don't worry about me being away when you post your next chapter - I'll just give you a really late review.

    Griff4815 - That summary of Velotus is pretty accurate, although the pessimism wasn't really intended - he's just been rather brooding since Archopy's appearance. Yes, Raptola is their child, I was hoping that hint would be picked up on.

    I don't quite get what you meant about the vine thing, seeing as Raptola's Grass Knot came out of the earth, and Grovyle can't learn Vine Whip at all.

    Thanks for reviewing both of you. More reviews would be gratefully accepted.
    Well in some other fic, I saw a Treecko use vinewhip, which bothered me. I was just a bit confused by how the Grass knot was pulled off.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  5. #30
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    A large vine erupted out of the earth and snaked towards Omanyte’s path.
    Like that. That's pretty much always how I've imagined it working - the vine trips up the foe, hence the whole "more damage on a heavier opponent" deal.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  6. #31
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    I kinda meant how Raptola got the vine to do so. Was it a connection with the earth? did he somehow create it?

    *edit* thanks, your PM cleared that up.
    Last edited by Griff4815; 18th September 2007 at 6:19 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  7. #32
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    Hey elyvorg!
    *hugs* *hugs some more* *transforms into Raptola and clings on*

    Sorry it took so long, but finally, here is my review of the three chapters which sadly couldn't review because of my hectic situation. However, over here I'm nearing the end of term so I should be able to review much quicker. Anyway, forget that, and onto the (very late) review! I won't be reviewing each chapter individually, but rather the three chapters as a whole.

    First of all, I think I'd just like to start off with a few quotes.
    She cried out in alarm, but could already feel herself growing, stretching, becoming stronger. A tickling sensation ran down her still glowing arm as she saw leaves sprout from it, joining and growing with the three that were there already. The back of her neck itched; the same was happening there. She stood up in surprise as she felt a tail force itself out from her rear. Oddly enough, none of it hurt; rather it filled her with a rush of power and newfound strength. Watching as the tip of her tail sprouted leaves too, she stopped glowing.
    Wow. Just... wow. I've read plenty of evolution scenes before, but never before have I seen it beautifully written as this. I could actually feel what evolution from a Grovyle to an Archopy would be like. The tickling sensation, the sprouting of "wings", and the sensation of power, I could feel them all. Simply amazing. I guess this fic lives up to its title, the Lost Evolution.

    Archopy. It’s called Archopy.
    Wheeeee! Archopy! I went to your sprite thread, saw Archopy, and fell in love with it at once. Well, Archopy had to be in it, didn't it? After all, it is (by far) the better of the Grovyle evos. And as far as the story is concerned, I'm sure that this magnificent creation of yours plays a very big role. Oh, and just a guess but...
        Spoiler:- just my speculation:


    He was pointing resolutely in the other direction. “Nice of you to show such enthusiasm, but Petalburg City is that way.”
    lol. Carrie needs to use her PokeNav a bit more, me thinks. XD

    Okay now onto the more technical stuff.

    My general opinion is that *don't shoot me* while you seem to be very good at describing and expressing Pokemon (especially Archopy and the Grovyles), you seem relatively lacking in the human aspect of the fic. Let me elaborate this a bit further:

    Pokemon - Like I said before, you are really good with describing Pokemon, especially the Treecko line. This can be seen in multiple scenes, such as:
    Immense wings, large pastel green leaves instead of feathers whooshed through the air, spread out to catch the wind on a downbeat as it soared over. The body, similar to a Grovyle’s but longer and darker, rushed past, allowing Carrie only a glimpse of a diamond shape on its underside. The tail flexed elegantly, the five or so leaves on its tip rustling as it did so. Twisting around to see it fly away, Carrie stared at the creature with awe and complete respect.
    Absofreakinglutely lovely, even though I think some one already quoted on this one.
    Following her out of the tree, darting like bullets and landing equally effortlessly were no less than four Pokémon, all slightly different in looks but all clearly the same species. Their bodies were shaped like that of a raptor, green all over except for a red throat and belly, broken by a strip of green. A long, blue-green leaf extended like a crest from the head of each, clusters of three smaller leaves from the wrists, and two more from their rears.
    I see your love for Grovyles really shine here. They're beautifully described. Really.
    A large, upright lizard with a squat, triangular head and leering, bloodshot eyes. A skinny upper body atop a wide lower body that looked almost fat in comparison, the whole of it a bright, unnatural green. None of the featherlike leaves of Grovyle, this Pokémon’s two arm leaves jutted from its wrists at pointless angles. Its back was studded with six bulbous, yellow seeds, and the tail was long and dark green with spiked “branches” coming off in all directions. Some people found its tail cool. Carrie thought it looked like a Christmas tree.
    Again, I think this has been quoted on already but I just gotta say... this is SO FREAKING FUNNY! Seriously, I was laughing for like five minutes!

    Even then though, you I thought you could do a bit better with some of the other Pokemon descriptions, like the Nidino one:
    White light spurted from it and materialised into a stocky, four legged creature covered in spikes. He was purple all over except for green inside his large ears, and had a horn on his dinosaur-like face.
    It's a bit short, I think you could elaborate a bit more. Also, it sounded a bit like a list, so maybe you could have put a bit more action into it to describe it more fluently.

    Well, over all though, I don't think it takes a genius to work out that you're very good at describing Pokemon. Every single Pokemon that has popped up so far has been described, most of them beautifully.

    However, what really impressed me wasn't your descriptions(that too, of course), but how you expressed the Pokemon as individuals, rather than emotionless drones - which, sadly tends to happen in a lot of fics (including mine... *sighs). This factor is especially notable in how you manage to individualize FOUR Pokemons of the same species, which is by no means an easy feat. It was to the point that I could distinguish them even before their names popped up. Foliano, the wise leader; Ivyx, the kind-hearted motherly one; Velotus, the cool hot-headed one; and my favorite, the unbelievably cute and adorable Raptola! Other than that, Archopy's feelings were conveyed really effectively, as was Theo's Omanyte's personality, whose shyness and timidness seemed all too natural for a Pokemon just revived from a fossil. I seriously think that this is one of the best fic I've seen so far in these terms. (other than Pokemon POV fics, of course, but thats a completely different matter.)

    Humans - However, with humans, I've gotta say that you seem to be... struggling. First of all they are under-described, whether it be Carrie, Roy, or Theo. For example, lets just take a look at Carrie's description:
    High up in the boughs of a tree sat a girl in her mid teens. Her back rested against the trunk, her legs lazily supported by an outreaching branch. The tree was smooth-barked and quite young; just big enough to take her weight comfortably. It was part of a forest; hundreds of similar trees all standing dotted around in a haphazard group. The brown earth at their roots was littered with bushy vegetation as well as a scattering of small, dark green leaves.

    The girl looked out over the forest with her dark blue eyes. Trees were one of the most peaceful resting places, in her opinion. Few could climb them and disturb her, and those that could were Pokémon that generally left her to her own devices. From this high she could see far into the maze of trees surrounding her, and could watch anyone – or anything – that approached. Right now her eyes were following the path of a brown-haired boy she guessed to be a couple of years younger than her. Judging by his practical clothes, his large rucksack and the red and white balls on his belt, he was a Pokémon trainer. And he happened to be heading straight towards her tree. The girl wasn’t all that bothered. With her leaf green jacket and matching trousers, coupled with the fact that her messily ponytailed hair was dark green, she was practically camouflaged amongst the foliage. There was no way he would be able to see –
    Well, yeah, it's good that she's green and all, but all you really described of her was age, her eye and hair color, and what she was wearing. Perhaps you could include a bit more, like her body posture, how she speaks, how long her hair is, etc. The same can go to the other two human characters as well. I know you've got it in you, because I've seen it with the Pokemon descriptions. Now all that really needs to happen is for that to be used on the human characters as well.

    Apart from descriptions, after reading through, I somewhat felt that the human characters seemed rather... dull, compared to the likes of Carrie's Grovyles. I think that Carrie and Theo's (Roy is a mere plot device, it seems) personalities could have been more apparent and expressive in the chapters. Like for instance, all I could really grasp of Carrie was that she was independent, hated Sceptiles and loved Grovyles. As for Theo, I could hardly grasp his personality at all. Personally I think the base for these characters are there, but it just needs a bit more brushing up on to make it shine.

    The fic as a whole though, is looking really promising. Keep up on the Pokemon, work a bit more on the humans, and you should have a really good fic, because as far as the plot and settings go, you have no problem. Anyway, all I can say now is keep up the good work, and I'll be reviewing again.


  8. #33
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    Okay... my first non-PM fic review and second review overall. Though that PM wasn't so much of a review as it was praise. Trust me, that was one darn good fic.

    Yours, however, is also very good, especialy for your first one.

    You're obviously writing about something you're passionate about, (stares at sig+avatar for a few seconds, then continues) your characters have personality (esp. little baby Raptola ), and to top it off, your descriptions of emotion, battle, and scenery are excelent.

    I'm glad you gave a legitimate reason for Carrie hating you-know what (and yes, I shall be appeasing you by not saying its name.) rather than just saying she thinks it's fugly. I personaly don't share your loathing of you-know what, (Not that it's my favorite Hoenn starter- I loves me some Swampert.) but that destription of the tail as a "Christmas tree" is great. Due to your hatred, I'm now pretty sure who "They" are.

    ankokuryu said that you aren't quite as good a fleshing out humans, but Ill let you slide for now, since it's only the third chapter. I also think I spotted some grammatical/spelling errors, but I'm not certain.
    So anyways, I'm sad that you'll be gone and won't be able to post any more chapters. Hopefuly you'll be able to do so soon after you get back. Keep on writing!
    (P.S.-I'm not sure if i should really be critiquing, if that's how you spell it- I haven't even written any fics of my own! Not yet anyway...)
    Last edited by Umbramatic; 20th September 2007 at 6:49 PM. Reason: reword
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  9. #34
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    One question: If Raptola is a baby (or is he?) shouldn't he technically be a Treecko (unless I'm wrong).
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  10. #35
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    Of the entire story so far, everything seems to be going well. No very noticeable mistakes. Imagery and characterizations are good. I think as long as you keep up current trends, this story will be great. Just remember to give each character enough time to let their unique personality show.

    Link to my fanfic.
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  11. #36
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    I've read up to chapter two and I decided to take a break. I really like how you stuck to the anime style, but you gave it a twist with adding a new pokemon. Your descriptions are second to none and the way you build up your main character is awesome. Well, I'm going back to read chapter 3, and P.S., I hope you'll read/ review my fanfic. Just click on my banner to go to it.
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  12. #37
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    i am absolutely in love with your story!
    it is original, interesting and about one of my fave pokémon, grovyle.... ROCK ON MAN!!! and the whole grass/flying fossil thing? ROCKS HARDCORE MAN!!!! i love the whole idea... and the sad ness, the joy, everything!

    please pm me when you make a new chapter
    by the way, what does the word "Aura" mean? (forgive my lack of english)
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  13. #38
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    Yeah, figured I should get around and review this before you get 23 chapters in and catching up becomes a daunting task...

    tell me everything you know about the creature that just flew past.
    Usually the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

    “Well, obviously not him, then. Anyone?”
    Missing comma.

    approximated to, “I wanna battle! I wanna battle! I wanna battle!”
    See previous comment.

    taking the hit but not seeming all that affected by the hit.
    Optional revision, but I thought the original version sounded a bit awkward.

    And that does it for grammar.

    On his head was a ruffled brown patch of fur – no wait, what did they call that again? – hair. He was wearing clothes of varying shades of brown too, and was carrying on his back a large – very large, big enough to fit two Grovyle in with room to spare – beige rucksack.
    You do need to be commended with making Ivyx's interpretation of a human very Pokemon-like, but it does seem odd to me that she'd know a work like "rucksack" but not know what "hair" was right off the bat.

    A large, upright lizard with a squat, triangular head and leering, bloodshot eyes. A skinny upper body atop a wide lower body that looked almost fat in comparison, the whole of it a bright, unnatural green. None of the featherlike leaves of Grovyle, this Pokémon’s two arm leaves jutted from its wrists at pointless angles. Its back was studded with six bulbous, yellow seeds, and the tail was long and dark green with spiked “branches” coming off in all directions. Some people found its tail cool. Carrie thought it looked like a Christmas tree.
    I'll bring the chaser Christmas lights if you bring the Santa ornament that plays "Deck the Halls" and we can decorate... "the evolved one's" tail XD

    and never until now had she known of a Pokémon with more grace and elegance than a Grovyle.
    Persian and I would like to have a little chat with her XD

    I was going to bring up your Pokemon descriptions from the first couple of chapters up but you improved on them greatly since then. Heck, it took me at least ten chapters to bring my descriptions up to par...

    You do a great job with giving each major Pokemon in the fic (right now Omanyte and the four Grovyle) their own distinct personalities, which remains one of my biggest weaknesses.

    Archopy intrigues me, and I'm eager to find out more about it when Theo and Carrie go and invade this laboratory. Overall, this is a really solid fic so far and I'm looking forward to more. You've got an interesting plot involving both ancient Pokemon and modern technology, and I love a good lab infiltration mission

  14. #39
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    ankokuryu - Thankies for teh awesome review. Your speculation is just about right; the title of this fic isn't really referring specifically to that Archopy, it's more of a general thing. You might see more links to the title as it gets further in.

    Thanks for pointing out that my humans need some work. Others have mentioned that the Grovyle's personalities aren't glaringly apparent either, so I'm going to work hard on all of them for now.

    InsaneTyranitar - Nothing wrong with critiquing without having a fic of your own, so long as you do it well. Thanks, and just a heads up, I'd actally prefer you typed the name than showed the smilie ^^;

    Griff4815 - Raptola evolved very early, and is still young at heart. He's not exactly a baby, more like a child.

    Apotheosis - Thanks, I am going to keep in mind my characterisations.

    blaziken33 - Anime style? I'm not specifically following that, I'm just taking the Pokemon franchise and interpreting it however I want, sometimes taking reference from the anime.

    I would normally try to read yours out of courtesy, but with the sudden inrush of reviewers I probably won't get round to it, at least not until after my trip.

    HommeDor - Whee, a Grovyle fan. Anyway, an aura is the feeling someone gives off. Sort of... I suck at being a dictionary.

    DarkPersian479 - Added the commas and the word "all" (though not the "by the hit" as that would be redundant wording which I like to keep away from). I'm not so sure about the full stop in the quotation marks though - I glanced through your punctuation thread and the impression I got from some of the repliers was that with a quotation, putting punctuation outside the quotation marks is either A, the British way (I'm British), or B, it doesn't matter which you do. Carrie's sentence was only in her head so it would count as a quotation rather than direct speech in this case.

    I hope you enjoy the lab infiltration, especially as I'm still not quite sure how it's going to pan out. :S


    Thankyou to everyone who just reviewed, you'll all be added to my PM list unless you say otherwise. I may try to get round and read some of your fics in return after my trip, but don't count on it.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

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    Poor Sceptile, pains me to see it getting condemned around this parts. Well, at least it wasn't Shiftry who got the hate, or else I'd kill somebody.

    It seemed like most of the glaring issues, which are really not that glaring, had been addressed and the thing you did well had been praised, so I really don't know what to say.

    The outlook you gave to Sceptile in your story convinced me that Archopy was the true evolution for Grovyle, which is awesome. Now I can't seem to shake off the idea that Sceptile are such arrogant *******s, thanks to you. Oh, and I've never thought of Grovyle as being elegant until I got aquainted with Ivyx. Always thought it was a Milotoc thing.

    So there's this girl of the forest and boy of the caves/mountains. Can't wait to see if there's anymore trainers with their own terrain alignment.
    Last edited by Forestrunner; 20th September 2007 at 2:26 PM.

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    InsaneTyranitar - Nothing wrong with critiquing without having a fic of your own, so long as you do it well. Thanks, and just a heads up, I'd actally prefer you typed the name than showed the smilie ^^;
    Ouch. I thought that might happen but...>_< (Goes to fix)
    Anyway, thanks for acknowledging my review. I'm happy to remain on the PM list, in case you were wondering.
    Last edited by Umbramatic; 20th September 2007 at 6:52 PM.
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    Wow, someone please remind me why I put off reading Chapter 2 for so long. Sorry I was slow with it- I’m just incredibly lazy when it comes to reviewing nowadays. So I’m doing Chapters 2 and 3 at once and knowing my procrastination skills will probably end up doing something similar in the future as well. XP

    Firstly, to reply to your reply.

    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Psychic - Many thanks for what is easily my best review yet. Especially for the advice with the descriptions; that's really helpful and Chapter 2 is probably quite a bit better because of it.
    I'm sooooo glad to hear you say that - makes me really feel accomplished as a review. And yes, it really did help with the descriptions - they looked much better.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Last time I checked Grovyle didn't have leaves on its elbows and shoulders. o.o
    Oops, my bad; guess I was just thinking of how I'd like Grovyle to be. Or something to that degree. :P However: you can see here that they do have tails, and imo the leaves just come out from their forearms, not their wrists or elbows (yes, changing my opinion).


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    And I'd prefer not to add another comma before Velotus, as the intention was that the whole phrase "Oh come on Velotus" is said all in one long breath with no pause.
    I have an explanation for that at the bottom of the post in the grammar area. Commas aren't all about pauses, just keep that in mind.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    And yay, another Grovyle fan. Plus, Kendar is awesome, he's all feathery and fluffy and squee. :3
    Yeeeeeeees. <3333
    I posted him cuz I'm paranoid and I got the impression that maybe you'd use something similar - "something similar" ended up being Archopy, though.


    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Anyway, thanks again for your most helpful review. Chapter 2 is finished and will be up once I have proofread it enough to be sure I can't improve it significantly more.
    No problem - thank you for listening to it! I hope the next one will be just as good! ^^



    Now, to get on with the review, these chapters were quite interesting: we meet Theo and find out about Archopy, and this creepy MemorCorp, and many fascinating, vital questions come up: if Archopy evolves from Grovyle, why has nobody in the modern world heard of it? Does the idea of the Lost Evolution tie in with this- was Archopy perhaps lost over the course if time? What does this mean for modern Grovyle? Why is MemorCorp being such a jerk? What are their true intentions? You did a great job engaging your readers and setting up for the rest of the story here, and we’re all very interested in seeing just what will happen next – very nicely done with all this mystery. =)

    Description was much better here, and I am thrilled that you took me advice; everything looks much better now without the listy descriptions. I quite liked your description of Ivyx jumping through the trees (automatically made me think of the Hork-Bajir of the Animorphs series, very cool), your evolution scene was a great interpretation of the process (a bit reminiscent of the morphing again in Animorphs) and your distasteful description of Sceptile was well-done. However I felt that a bit more of a focus on Archopy was needed; since it has such a huge role in the fic, just adding one more sentence before the last sentence of that paragraph, just something that shows the way it moved or how they feel about it. “As it swept through the air gracefully, Carrie felt an unexplainable rush of joy in her heart” just because imo, “awe and complete respect” doesn’t say as much as it could. Hard to explain what I mean – just underdstand that I think you could have added a tad bit more, just because that one moment is a vital turning point in the fic, and you have to make it show.
    However I really do love Archopy; it’s a very cool Grovyle evolution, and I really love the design.

    Also, a note about describing tails: you used "coming out of its rear" (and similar wording) a few times, however it gets a bit repetitive. If anything, I think you could change the "its rear" bit in the Archopy evolution scene; remember that tails are just elongated spines, so you could just say "she felt her spine growing, extending to become a tail..." sort of thing. Oh, and Grovyle do have leafy tails, so meh. :P

    The battle seemed a bit short to me, though it makes sense since Raptola is stronger than Omanyte. One thing that also bothered me some was that Omanyte starts off the battle by hiding in her shell all afraid, but then when Theo tells her to use Rollout she immediately obeys despite her prior fear. Did she maybe become excited and got more into the battle? You also might want to note that Pokémon don’t stay silent during the battle – they have battle cries! ^^ So when Omanyte is about to use Rollout, just have her cry “Nyte!” and so on.

    One other note about the Pokémon: I don’t remember precisely when this was, but at some point I just started feeling like the Grovyle seemed very human. Yes, Pokémon are intelligent beings and all, but they starting seemed a bit too human-like, so you’ve got to remember that Pokémon are still slightly animalistic and don’t tend to have the intellect or emotional capacity as humans. This thought mostly occurred to me when Velotus recalled himself into his Pokéball on his own. Just a heads up.


    Oh, and random note: did Theo find a Grovyle fossil or Archopy fossil? I had originally assumed it was an Archopy one, but then she evolved in the lab, so that doesn’t really make any sense. o.O
    Oh, and my guess is that she knew of this other Archopy because perhaps the species has a collective memory? That way they all share their memories and such…like the Howlers from once again, the Animorphs series. :P



    Anyhow, grammar was fine throughout, except for the following:

    Him, Foliano and Ivyx were all staring intently at the sky through a break in the canopy.
    It should be ‘he’ instead of ‘him.’ The trick to knowing whether to use ‘he’ or ‘hiim’ is if you take away ‘Foliano and Ivyx,” is it still proper grammar? ‘Him [was] staring intently at the sky…” doesn’t really work, so it must be ‘he’. This goes for all instances where you say ‘____ and him/he’ or ‘____ and I/me.’ For example:

    Betty gave a present to Kathy and I.
    Take away ‘Kathy’: you can’t say ‘Betty gave a present to I.’ This is one of the few cases where you say ‘____ and me.’

    Jordan and she went to bed early last night.
    If you take away ‘Jordan,’ it makes sense to say ‘She went to bed early last night.’


    “Go on then Rappy, Leaf Blade!” Carrie called. Raptola’s smile turned to a mischievous grin as the leaves on its arms glowed and formed two neon green scythes.
    Eventually realising the futility of its attacks
    Raptola closed its eyes, etc.
    Like I said in my other review, you need a comma before ‘Rappy,’ not because there’s a pause in speech but you’re always supposed to have a comma when addressing somebody.

    Also, I thought Raptola was a boy. If you’re going to give genders to your Pokémon you can’t randomly call them ‘it.’


    The Grovyle dug in its foot claws and stood its ground, taking the hit but not seeming that affected.
    Dug its foot claws where? You can just add ‘into the loamy soil’ or something, because I get the impression that you didn’t specify so as to avoid saying ‘ground’ twice.


    “Yes, actually,” Carrie replied instantly, as if she had been expecting the question, “a flying Pokémon. Big, leafy wings. Did you see it too?”
    I’m almost positive that ‘a’ should be capitalized.


    “No,” Theo admitted, “but I know what it is and where it came from. I was walking through here in the hope of seeing it. Never did though,” he added pointlessly.
    Comma between ‘did’ and ‘though,’ I believe.




    It’s interesting to just randomly note that this is the second fic I’ve read where the author and I both share a hate for a certain Pokémon’s evolution, but love the ‘mon itself. Here it’s obviously Grovyle (Sceptile = oogleh) and Dragonfree’s The Quest for the Legends (deep, strong hate for Scizor cuz Scyther rock). Nice to note that I’m not the only one who hates certain evolutions. =)


    Aaaaaaand that’s it. One thing I must quote, though:
    It was as if she had spent her entire life crawling to get around, not knowing there was any better way, and just now she had seen someone walk past her on two legs.
    I just really like the way you phrased this and find it to be a great mental image and metaphor. :3


    Anyhow, great fic here, my intent is to continue reading and reviewing – I really want to see where this is going and can’t wait to read on. This is progressing very nicely, though a bit quickly, but hey, I’m not about to complain. Keep it up, and I can’t wait to read on! ^-^

    ~Psychic
    Last edited by Psychic; 21st September 2007 at 6:43 AM.

  18. #43
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    Forestrunner - Heehee. Grovyle being elegant and its evo being an arrogant ******* is definitely the impression I intended to give. Anyway, thanks for the review ^^;

    Psychic - Seeing as that was such a long review and I actually want to reply to everything in it, I'm gonna do it with quotes.

    Now, to get on with the review, these chapters were quite interesting: we meet Theo and find out about Archopy, and this creepy MemorCorp, and many fascinating, vital questions come up: if Archopy evolves from Grovyle, why has nobody in the modern world heard of it? Does the idea of the Lost Evolution tie in with this- was Archopy perhaps lost over the course if time? What does this mean for modern Grovyle? Why is MemorCorp being such a jerk? What are their true intentions? You did a great job engaging your readers and setting up for the rest of the story here, and we’re all very interested in seeing just what will happen next – very nicely done with all this mystery. =)
    Whoo, lots of mysteries. I didn't realise this fic was so enigmatic o.o

    However I felt that a bit more of a focus on Archopy was needed; since it has such a huge role in the fic, just adding one more sentence before the last sentence of that paragraph, just something that shows the way it moved or how they feel about it. “As it swept through the air gracefully, Carrie felt an unexplainable rush of joy in her heart” just because imo, “awe and complete respect” doesn’t say as much as it could. Hard to explain what I mean – just underdstand that I think you could have added a tad bit more, just because that one moment is a vital turning point in the fic, and you have to make it show.
    You have a point there. It's probably because the "awe and complete respect" sentence was the sole survivor of the original boring-list-of-facts paragraph I had down before your first review. Shoulda changed that one too >.<

    Also, a note about describing tails: you used "coming out of its rear" (and similar wording) a few times, however it gets a bit repetitive. If anything, I think you could change the "its rear" bit in the Archopy evolution scene; remember that tails are just elongated spines, so you could just say "she felt her spine growing, extending to become a tail..." sort of thing. Oh, and Grovyle do have leafy tails, so meh. :P
    Yeah, constant use of the word "rear" is starting to disturb me too. Nice idea with the spine thing, I might use that later. I'm not going to edit anything in existing chapters apart from grammar, because I want to see how I've improved and it also seems kinda weird to me how some people will read the old version but some latecomers will read the new, better version of a chapter.

    The battle seemed a bit short to me, though it makes sense since Raptola is stronger than Omanyte. One thing that also bothered me some was that Omanyte starts off the battle by hiding in her shell all afraid, but then when Theo tells her to use Rollout she immediately obeys despite her prior fear. Did she maybe become excited and got more into the battle? You also might want to note that Pokémon don’t stay silent during the battle – they have battle cries! ^^ So when Omanyte is about to use Rollout, just have her cry “Nyte!” and so on.
    Omanyte was happy with using Rollout because she could hide in her shell for that. xD Battle cries! *adds to list of Things To Remember To Add In*

    One other note about the Pokémon: I don’t remember precisely when this was, but at some point I just started feeling like the Grovyle seemed very human. Yes, Pokémon are intelligent beings and all, but they starting seemed a bit too human-like, so you’ve got to remember that Pokémon are still slightly animalistic and don’t tend to have the intellect or emotional capacity as humans. This thought mostly occurred to me when Velotus recalled himself into his Pokéball on his own. Just a heads up.
    You have a very good point there, and I'm going to be a bit more careful in future - particularly with Velotus.

    Oh, and random note: did Theo find a Grovyle fossil or Archopy fossil? I had originally assumed it was an Archopy one, but then she evolved in the lab, so that doesn’t really make any sense. o.O
    Oh, and my guess is that she knew of this other Archopy because perhaps the species has a collective memory? That way they all share their memories and such…like the Howlers from once again, the Animorphs series. :P
    That will all be revealed at some point. For the sharing memories thing, there is already a small hint. *is not saying any more*

    It should be ‘he’ instead of ‘him.’ The trick to knowing whether to use ‘he’ or ‘hiim’ is if you take away ‘Foliano and Ivyx,” is it still proper grammar? ‘Him [was] staring intently at the sky…” doesn’t really work, so it must be ‘he’. This goes for all instances where you say ‘____ and him/he’ or ‘____ and I/me.’ For example:

    Betty gave a present to Kathy and I.
    Take away ‘Kathy’: you can’t say ‘Betty gave a present to I.’ This is one of the few cases where you say ‘____ and me.’

    Jordan and she went to bed early last night.
    If you take away ‘Jordan,’ it makes sense to say ‘She went to bed early last night.’
    Wow, thanks. I never really got the whole "____ and I" thing, and you've just summed it up so simply.

    Also, I thought Raptola was a boy. If you’re going to give genders to your Pokémon you can’t randomly call them ‘it.’
    Raptola is male. The reason I referred to him as "it" during that battle is that I was writing in third person limited from Theo's perspective. Theo didn't know what gender Raptola was, so he thought of him as "it". I did a similar thing in Carrie's battle against Roy with the Growlithe - referring to her as "it" throughout the whole thing until just before she gets recalled, when Roy says "Well done, girl." The next sentence then refers to Growlithe as "she".

    Dug its foot claws where? You can just add ‘into the loamy soil’ or something, because I get the impression that you didn’t specify so as to avoid saying ‘ground’ twice.
    Duly noted, but as I said above, the only things I'll be changing are grammar errors.

    I’m almost positive that ‘a’ should be capitalized.
    I'm not sure. The "Yes, actually, a flying Pokémon." is all one sentence broken by narrative in between, and the "as if she had been expecting the question," doesn't end the sentence. Perhaps you're saying I should have ended the sentence after "question", to go on and start a new one in the speech?

    It’s interesting to just randomly note that this is the second fic I’ve read where the author and I both share a hate for a certain Pokémon’s evolution, but love the ‘mon itself. Here it’s obviously Grovyle (Sceptile = oogleh) and Dragonfree’s The Quest for the Legends (deep, strong hate for Scizor cuz Scyther rock). Nice to note that I’m not the only one who hates certain evolutions. =)
    Indeed. I have read Dragonfree's The Quest for the Legends (hell, it was mainly what inspired me to write fanfiction, believe it or not), and I was very intrigued with the whole Scizor hate thing as I obviously have a similar thing myself with a different Pokemon. I'd also wondered whether Dragonfree really does hate Scizor or whether that's only her Scyther character's opinion - you seem to be implying she hates it too?

    Anyway, many thanks once again for the awesome review. I'm flattered that you want to read this as you rarely get time to review.

    And this will probably be my final post before my trip, unless someone else reviews before I log off tonight. Please feel free to keep reviewing while I'm gone. Auf Wiedersehen!
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  19. #44
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    I found the fic to be very enjoyable. The descriptions were quite clear, and to be honest, I had an easier time with visualizing what was going on than I do with most of the books I read. The story was able to keep my attention the whole way through, which takes a lot to do these days. Its also nice to see that there's others that like Grovyle but not Sceptile...

    Though there were a few things that bothered me. First thing, I'm kinda surprised that the fight in the first chapter didn't cause a forest fire or at least damage some of the surrounding area... Second thing, I found the Grovyles to be very, very human like. It just didn't seem normal. Last thing, I didn't personally feel that the name Archopy fit the Pokémon.

    I think thats everything. So, keep up the good work...

  20. #45
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    Default Chapter 4: Intrusion

    Kneecaps - Thankyou for reading, your compliments, and for being a Grovyle fan. xD As for the things that bothered you; it is kinda true about the Fire attacks in the forest, I guess they just... dissipated because it was only a little Growlithe? The human thing has been brought to my attention and I have tried to keep them Pokemon-like - a hard feat considering that I've also tried to put in a lot of their personalities this chapter, and that I think I consider Pokemon more sentient beings than most do. As for Archopy, it's a pity you don't like the name, but that's one thing that I won't change. Perhaps it'll grow on you. :/ Hope you don't mind being added to the PM list, either.

    So, after a very long wait, I finally bring you Chapter 4.

    Chapter 4: Intrusion

    A pair of twisting, interlocking ribbons revolved on the screen, brightly coloured shapes linking the two, like rungs on a distorted ladder. Many more helixes, identical to the first, spun slowly alongside it. DNA – the building blocks of life. So much DNA. But why?

    The scientist observing shook his head to clear his thoughts. It had been one mystery after another since he’d got a new job with MemorCorp, and despite boldly claiming to be a whistleblower to his friend, he had nowhere near enough information to go public with. Why did he need to extract so much DNA? What exactly was the purpose of the work done by the other side? And why, with his life spiralling rapidly downhill ever since his new employment here, why had he not quit?

    Milo Walsh sighed. That answer was a simple one: he couldn’t.

    He stared once more at the screen, but his blue eyes failed to take in what was on it, instead defocusing, looking through at his reflection. His small, round face, topped with neatly combed indigo hair, looked back at him in puzzlement. The white lab coat he wore on his short figure sported a MemorCorp logo, serving as a reminder that he truly belonged to the company.

    Milo blinked, and the twirling shapes on the screen snapped into focus. Back to work, he instructed himself, or it’d be Aiden following him home tonight, rather than one of his minions. Squinting at the DNA before him, he attempted to identify those of sub-par quality – those that would not be suitable for development into embryos. After a few minutes peering at the monitor, he was satisfied: all were acceptable. Tapping the Enter button of the high-tech computer he was working with, he stood up and allowed himself a moment to observe the others before he left the room.

    Three other scientists sat dotted around the large, tech-filled space at computers just like his – though there were many more of the machines there, most were unoccupied. All three wore lab coats identical to Milo’s; all three were peering intently at their screens. Milo shook his head and walked from the room, closing the gleaming white door behind him.

    They’ve given up, he thought as he wandered down the bland corridor, they’ve just resigned themselves to it all. The scientists – not just the three in the computer room, but the whole Genetics department – were like Growlithe, obediently following their masters without understanding why. It was as if they assumed that nothing could ever change. Milo, though his efforts were currently minimal, was content in that he was the only person he knew of who was actually attempting to fight back.

    * * *

    What do you think of him?” Foliano asked casually, looking Ivyx in the eye. The two of them plus Velotus were following Carrie’s lead as she strode confidently ahead through crowds of trees. Theo walked a short way behind them, perhaps put off by the air of solitude she had. Foliano knew that his trainer would be listening to them as they talked, interested in what they had to say.

    Who? The brown human?” The female Grovyle’s voice sounded as light as the swishing of branches in the breeze. “I’m not sure… He seems okay. But he doesn’t seem too happy to be with us right now.

    Foliano turned his head to size Theo up again and almost flinched as he realised how close the man was. Large, solid boots trampled the fallen leaves only metres behind him. Mud-brown trousers hid stocky legs that looked worryingly strong from a Pokémon’s perspective. But the human trained Pokémon himself – he wouldn’t be the type to harm them.

    Realising Theo was staring unsurely at him, Foliano shifted his gaze back to Ivyx. “You’re right, he does seem a bit cut off from us. But I don’t think his intentions are bad, either,” he mused. Ivyx nodded as she delicately stepped over an obstructing root.

    Foliano glanced at his bushy surroundings for a few moments before his eyes fell upon the third Grovyle. “Velotus? What do you make of him?

    Velotus, who had been eavesdropping, narrowed his sharp eyes for a moment before muttering, “He’ll do.” He then lapsed into silence and showed no indication of having heard any of Foliano’s further questions. After a while, the stocky Grovyle gave up asking.

    Minutes wore on. Sunlight fell between gaps in the canopy overhead, lighting the forest with a soft, translucent glow. The terrain underfoot remained uneven and treacherous – this was not a path meant to be travelled on by many – but neither humans nor Pokémon showed any signs of fatigue.

    “So,” Theo announced suddenly, as if trying to fill the lack of noise, “how are you – we – going to break into the lab then?”

    “Oh, I dunno,” replied Carrie. “I haven’t thought about it.” Her shrug looked almost comical from behind as Raptola rose and fell in quick succession.

    “Well,” Theo’s low, firm voice sounded determined to continue the conversation, “we could find wherever Archopy escaped from and get in from there. I doubt it unlocked a door and tiptoed out quietly.”

    Carrie’s face swivelled right, frowned as Raptola blocked her view, then turned the other way. She craned her head around and stared at Theo accusingly. “I thought you said there were guards. Lots of guards.”

    He blinked. “There are. Look,” his voice took on a reasonable tone, “at least I’m actually trying to think of something.”

    Carrie rolled her eyes and faced ahead once more. Raptola shook his head melodramatically in agreement with his trainer. “Think of something useful then,” she called out. “Like how to get rid of the guards.” The words contained an unspoken command not to talk again until he had something to say. Theo complied.

    Foliano gazed up at his trainer. “You should try and be more sociable, you know,” he advised her conversationally. “At least with this guy. He could be really helpful.

    She didn’t reply or turn her head – clearly because of Theo’s presence – but Foliano doubted that his words had got through to her. Grovyle were naturally quite solitary creatures, and it seemed that by living with them, Carrie had gained this attribute too – at least towards other humans.

    Shaking his head briefly to clear these thoughts, Foliano turned to thinking about the matter at hand – dealing with the guards. Though he wasn’t as imaginative or intelligent as a human, he knew better than them what he could do and how his strengths could be useful. He stopped walking and closed his eyes. Focusing his affinity with nature on the ground in front of him, he summoned a tendril from within the earth. The twisted, woody vine burst through the soil just in front of him as he opened his eyes, causing Carrie to notice and turn. Foliano concentrated for a moment, and the stem looped itself into a crude knot. Looking up at his trainer suggestively, he muttered: “Would this help?

    Carrie’s face brightened as if someone had turned on a light. “Yes, that would… work,” she added, trying to sound as though her words were a separate comment, not a response. Beside her, the smug grin of Raptola rang out, as if saying, “I can do that, too!

    “Would it, though?” Theo asked. “Is he strong enough to pull down a man – most likely a strong one at that – all by himself?”

    “Well…” Carrie thought for a moment. “I have a Psychic Pokémon, he’d probably help…” Her words faded into incoherence as Foliano’s mind focused once more on the grassy tendril, commanding it to untie itself and retreat into the earth. He and his fellow Grovyle continued after their trainer as she resumed walking, now in conversation with the other human.

    * * *

    The afternoon sun shone down upon Petalburg City, its rays glancing off the tops of buildings. A few skyscrapers stood tall in the centre, but most of the city consisted of low, wide structures, giving it a laid-back feel. This impression was accentuated by the hedges and trees that decorated the open streets, the lush lawns that lay wherever there was space. Surrounding the buildings as they petered out towards the northern outskirts was Petalburg Woods, the dark green mass of trees from which two humans and four Pokémon had emerged a few hours ago.

    The humans in question now stood closely beside a smooth white wall, peering around a corner. The imposing, blocky building behind them displayed a large, blue logo of the name “MemorCorp” above the entrance. Carrie and Theo, however, were out of sight around the side, watching a lilac cat intently as he neared the two men in navy uniforms who guarded a jagged hole in the wall.

    Empathy’s lithe, forked tail flexed as he crept stealthily towards the guards. Having been healed from his battle wounds, the Espeon was now playing his vital role in “the plan”. Carrie thought of it in inverted commas as it was unnervingly hit and miss – if this didn’t work, the whole thing would go to pieces. Empathy looked worryingly exposed against the background of plain, yellowish grass – he would have quite a way to flee to reach the forest if things went wrong.

    At last the guards noticed him. They turned their bulky figures towards the prone Pokémon questioningly, but didn’t react straight away. This was the moment of truth. Without flinching, Empathy’s eyes confidently glowed with a blue aura which shrouded the men’s faces, forcing their square jaws shut before they could utter a sound. An extra burst of concentration from the feline and their entire bodies appeared bluish; with startled looks they found their legs propelling them across the grassy ground, towards the trees. Carrie and Theo collectively held their breath as Empathy trotted in front of the helpless men as if leading a march.

    Eventually both Pokémon and guards were out of sight in the forest. Sighs of relief came from the hidden humans – but stage one of “the plan” wasn’t over yet. Carrie stared at the gap in the trees where Empathy had disappeared, wondering how long it would be. Her back felt empty without the familiar weight of Raptola – but the mission was far too risky for him to be involved in.

    After what seemed like ages, the Espeon’s skinny form could be seen dashing back towards them. Carrie heaved another relieved sigh. It had worked. Probably. As he came to stand by her side, she held out a Poké Ball and carefully opened it, whispering, “Come out, Ivyx.”

    The ever-graceful Ivyx emerged from white light. Knowing exactly what to do, she rounded the corner of the building and leapt at the back wall, latching onto it. Her claws made clicking noises against the smooth stone, yet somehow managed to keep her clinging on as she manoeuvred around windows to approach the now unguarded hole. Soon she was through it and out of sight, her tail leaves flicking behind her. Seconds later, her head reappeared at the opening and nodded, before retreating again.

    Feeling once again relieved, Carrie ducked below the windows and began to near the jagged gap, with Theo and her Espeon following closely. Inside, they found themselves in a dull, box-shaped room no more than a couple of metres across. A window lay above where they had entered from, but more interesting were the things that snaked from tiny holes either side of the door opposite – electrodes and some kind of intravenous drip. Carrie pulled a face; this was most likely where Archopy had spent the majority of its life.

    Just as she reached for the door’s handle, she felt Empathy nudging her leg. She looked into his eyes and felt a sudden feeling of being out of breath, as if she had just run a race. Carrie blinked, and the sensation disappeared as quickly as it had come. Her Espeon had been using his psychic powers to communicate – he was already tired.

    “Okay,” she whispered. “We’ll try to steer clear of more guards, but if we meet any, you’ll have to do it again. It’s our only option.” Empathy nodded, accepting his role. Theo said nothing of it, but looked confused at the sudden whispered statement.

    Carrie opened the door – it moved without a sound. Ivyx crept through eagerly to scout out the building beyond, leaving the two people and the Espeon standing silently, nervously in the tiny prison.

    Minutes passed tensely. Carrie couldn’t help imagining what might be going on behind the door – what if Ivyx had got lost? What if she’d been caught? It was a good thing the Grovyle had been happy to play her part in “the plan” – otherwise, the trainer would have felt guilty about putting her companion into danger.

    Finally, when Carrie was almost ready to step into the unknown herself to find her Pokémon, Ivyx slipped in through the gap in the door. The girl let out a breath she didn’t even realise she’d been holding as many motherly, clichéd expressions she remembered from her childhood burst into her mind: “You nearly gave me a heart attack!” “I’ve been having kittens worrying about you!” She swallowed these words before they reached her mouth and instead listened to what Ivyx had to say.

    It’s clear,” came her silky voice. “I went a little way in both directions – there are no guards, but I had to break a couple of…” she trailed off, looking for the right word.

    “Cameras,” Carrie finished, for both Ivyx’s and Theo’s sake, too on edge to bother hiding the fact she could understand her Pokémon’s language.

    “Milo reckons that the cameras are just there to scare people into thinking they’re being watched.” Theo sounded nervous. “Of course, they check the tapes at the end of every day, but he doesn’t think anyone actually watches them, you know, live.”

    “In that case, we should be okay,” Carrie muttered, thinking out loud. “But we might not. We’d better get going, quick.”

    Without further conversation, both humans and Pokémon crept as quietly as they could through the door.

    * * *

    Foliano gazed unsurely at the whimpering human below him. The man’s solid figure was wrapped tightly in the snaking vines the Grovyle had called up from the floor of the forest in which they stood. Concentrating on maintaining their hold was unnecessary – the unfortunate human had given up struggling the moment a scythe, flashing silver in the sunlight, had neared his throat.

    It belonged to the only Pokémon of Theo’s who was helping with the lab infiltration. Skinny but savage-looking with a back consisting of brown spines, it was no wonder this human was afraid. The Pokémon turned his wide, triangular head towards Foliano, his small eyes looking at the Grovyle questioningly.

    Do you think this is fair?” The Kabutops’ low, rough voice surprised Foliano. Or rather, the question did. Kabutops hadn’t said a word since Theo had introduced him to Carrie’s Pokémon and outlined the plan. Now he was asking the last thing Foliano expected him to – and the one thing on the Grovyle’s mind right now. He felt himself warm slightly to the ancient Pokémon. Perhaps he wasn’t as savage as he looked.

    As a matter of fact, I don’t,” Foliano replied, glad that Kabutops apparently felt the same. “It’s the only way to keep these humans here, and my trainer – our trainers – need us to do it. But no, it isn’t fair. They did nothing to us.

    Kabutops nodded solemnly and stared down at his clawed feet, while all the time keeping his right scythe positioned near the trembling man’s soft neck. The human couldn’t understand them – for all he knew, the two Pokémon were deciding where to hide his body.

    Have you tried telling that to him?” Kabutops raised his other curved scythe, gesturing at the figure who stood a few trees away from them over a second grassily bound human.

    What?” Velotus stared accusingly back, an expression of distaste on his face. One arm’s leaves were formed into a vicious, glowing blade which was held expertly, unerringly, just below the throat of the other man. “These humans work for that place. The place which stole Archopy. The place which tortured Archopy.” He glared down at his human, a glint in his eyes delighting in the man’s fear. “They deserve it.

    Foliano could see his point, partly. Kabutops seemed utterly unconvinced, not having seen Archopy, not understanding the true beauty of the Grovyle species having another evolution. “We don’t know that the place tortured Archopy,” he said, attempting to reason with Velotus. “Even if it did, these men probably have nothing to do with it. They’re just guards.

    Velotus’ piercing eyes glared once more at the fossil Pokémon, and the coldness of his stare disturbed Foliano. Apparently, the savage raptor simply didn’t care. Foliano shuddered. Their trainers had made it clear that the object was to threaten, to scare into submission, not to kill. At the most, they were to wound the humans, but only as a last resort. It seemed that Kabutops was happy with this, and had no intention of doing harm. Velotus, on the other hand… Foliano was not sure.

    Unable to hold the ruthless stare of the Grovyle, Kabutops gazed sadly at his pitiful human, now sobbing underneath the Pokémon’s outstretched scythe.

    * * *

    The room beyond Archopy’s cell was nothing more than a clinically white corridor, leading off in both directions. Plain, identical doors lined both sides, illuminated by harsh ceiling lighting. All was silent bar a distant humming of electronic machinery.

    Carrie tiptoed out of the door and Theo shut it behind them. Ivyx leapt once again onto a wall; Empathy stood silently at his trainer’s heels. The girl took a moment to scan the many doors for writing – apparently, Milo’s individual lab room had his name on – but all were utterly blank; most likely prisons for more unfortunate fossils. Without a word, she took the lead, opting to go left.

    Several doors down, the corridor turned to the right. A quick scout from Ivyx reported another camera, soon disabled, and a door more important looking than the others. Spurred on by the fortunate lack of more guards, the two humans ran as quietly as they could – Carrie being rather more successful – and were down the second corridor, around another corner and at the door in under a minute. It was as plain as the others, but larger and with a general air of importance. Cautiously, they tested the handle.

    It was locked.

    “The plan” was rather vague about locked doors. There had been many possibilities – Empathy opening it psychically; Ivyx somehow having the skill to pick locks; smashing it down and damning the consequences – but overall they’d been, rather optimistically, hoping not to encounter any. Carrie looked down – and up – at her Pokémon. Ivyx appeared totally unsure about her lock-picking abilities. Empathy however, seemed confident.

    “Right then,” Carrie whispered to him. “Let’s try option one.” The psychic cat nodded, his eyes glowing blue. Within seconds there was a clicking noise. Empathy ceased concentrating and waved his sinuous tail smugly, indicating it had worked. He seemed to have known all along he could do it. Perhaps he should have made “the plan”, instead of her and Theo.

    The door was opened slightly and Ivyx slipped through alone. Again another torturous wait, again more worries about what might happen to Carrie’s friend. Ominous sounds of footsteps – human footsteps – trickled in from the adjoining part of the building, but mercifully there were no noises indicating discovery of intruders. Yet.

    Aeons later – or was it just minutes? – Ivyx returned to the relative safety of the empty section. She was unhurt, but seemed slightly shaken.

    Lots of corridors,” she reported. “No guards, cameras sorted. But there were a few humans in white walking around – good thing your kind doesn’t tend to stare at the sky… ceiling.” Her voice was wavering uncharacteristically.

    Carrie nodded, and the four of them – particularly Empathy with his sensitive hearing – listened intently until no footsteps could be heard, nothing except the background humming. Knowing they may not have long, she wrenched the door open and charged into the semi-unknown. Ahead of her lay a long stretch of corridor with others branching off, at the end of which was another “important” door, this time with writing on that she couldn’t make out from a distance.

    As she jogged towards it, ducking underneath the windows that were now set into each minor door, she couldn’t help feeling apprehensive at the lack of inside guards. Why had they not encountered any others yet? What if they were being set up? Thinking wryly that at least half of those feelings probably belonged to Empathy, then glancing behind her to check that he and the others were actually following, she reached the large door. The writing on it read: “GENETICS”. Bingo.

    “Empathy, quickly, befo –” She stopped as she noticed her Espeon already on the case. He skidded to a halt, eyes glowing blue and the door giving an obedient click. Quick as a Grovyle itself, Carrie whipped open the door and both humans and Pokémon bundled themselves through it. She slammed it behind them – not at all silently, she realised – and paused for a moment, panting heavily.

    Chances were, the unknown was preferable to definite wandering scientists; indeed, the sound of footsteps had started up again behind the door. Then an unwelcome feeling of alarm pushed its way into Carrie’s head. She glared accusingly at Empathy before realising what he meant. The footsteps were not behind them. They were coming from the very corridor she now stood inside.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 14th June 2008 at 6:37 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  21. #46
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    A few grammar nit-picks
    now playing his vital role in “the plan.
    Not sure how you handle these, but I like to believe that these scenarios get treated the same as if they were dialogue, meaning putting the punctuation inside the quotation marks.

    Inside, they found themselves in a dull, box-shaped room
    Forgot the "a."

    should have made “the plan,” instead
    See first grammar comment.

    The detail you put into the process of simply getting into the lab... it makes my lab infiltration scenes look pathetic in comparison. The group's coming up with a well-planned mode of attack and thinking through every step. I like how the group was calculating, but also a bit nervous at the prospect of invading the laboratory of a mysterious company. And the chapter does detail how trainers and the team of Grovyle (oh, and Empathy too) interact during tense and nerve-wracking moments.

    About making Pokemon seem "too human"- I honestly have no preference one way or another. It would make sense that a newly caught Pokemon might be clueless to the ways of the humans, but since (I'm assuming) Carrie's had her team for awhile, her Pokemon would be more acclimated to it. Just my thoughts on the subject. Perhaps another reviewer can better comment on whether they think the Pokemon are too sentient or not.

    I enjoyed this chapter, as well. You put in enough description so we know what is happening, but not so much that it interrupts the flow of events. Then there's the way you handle interactions between the Pokemon so well.

    And I've learned not to do anything to tick Velotus off, or else he might slash my neck or something...

  22. #47
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    I noticed you had a fanfic awhile back, but I never got around to reading it until now. I'm glad I did.

    I love it, of course. I agree with you on the preference of Grovyle over Scutpile, naturally. So it's awesome to see them in such preferential roles, and to see how crafty, clever, and adept at wriggling out of tight spots they can be.

    As far as the plot goes, I have no complaints, and only compliments. It's kept my interest throughout, and it's kept me guessing all the time. Each time I think I've got something figured out, you surprise me with new possibilities. xD The very origins of Archy's birth are still a mystery to me (I opted not to click the spoiler), but I think I have a good idea in mind now. At first I thought you were making a big deal out of something simple, but now I'm not so sure. I'd run the idea by you if I knew how to make spoiler tags (and I'm not using the advanced editor, so I'll just leave my guess unsaid for now).

    As far as description goes, your work is by far better than anything I've done, and it's both pleasing and fulfilling. I get an excellent idea of how things appear to you as you describe them (at least I think I do), and there are very few questions you've left unanswered. One that I DO have, however, is about Carrie's past. We only get brief glimpses here and there... there was the bit about the sceptile and the grovyle in the forest, and then there was the part about her relationship with her dad. But we know nothing about her mother, about growing up, or about why she hangs out in the forest all the time instead of pursuing a career of some sort. Come to think of it, I don't even know how old she is, lol.

    If these details were in the story and I missed them, I apologize. I'm not as good at retaining details as most people are.

    Your grammar was nearly flawless, but I feel obligated to make at least one correction to heal my wounded ego a bit (I make more grammar mistakes than I'd like, lol). Observe the following sentence:

    “Who? The brown human?” The female Grovyle’s voice sounded as light as the swishing of branches in the breeze. “I’m not sure… He seems okay. But he doesn’t seem to happy to be with us right now.”

    The word in bold should be "too."

    Very wonderful story you have going here, Elyvorg-san. I'll be popping in from time to time to check it out. Add me to the PM list, wouldja? :3

    Stealthy Ninja Mario - A Crossover through Realms

    @>-{Click to see my shinies}- (Currently not trading) | -{Hunting Shinies with the Pokeradar}-<@
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    I was SHUKO-CHAN from NSider. Long live the Yoshis of the world!

  23. #48
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    Aww, Shuko got the only grammar mistake I spotted.

    Nice job. That was a very intense chapter. As cool as Velotus is, that last scene with him made me lose respect for him. :/ I was/am hoping the humans didn't die...did they die? Otherwise this knot of anticipation in my stomach won't untangle.

    Yay, you wrote a Kabutops too. :3 They're one of my favorite pokemon...next to Grovyle of course. :P
    That said, will we find out how Theo got the Kabutops?

    Off topic: There's this Theo in my English class, who's...lets just say "quirky" so I can't take the character as seriously as I'd like too XD

    Anyways I'm really looking forwards to the next chapter.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 21 is up.

  24. #49
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    ooooh that was entertaining!!!
    i love the whole espeon thing.... if only it had been a glaceon
    very well written, lovely work!
    cant wait for the next chapter!
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  25. #50
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    First of all, I cannot BELIEVE how careless those two grammar mistakes were. I guess that's what I get for rushing the proofreading due to being in a hurry to post it after such a long delay. Anyway, thanks for pointing those out.

    DarkPersian479 - I think I'll leave the comma in quotation marks thing as it is for now as you seem unsure, and I'm unsure. If you find some kind of source which will convince me that the British way is actually how you've been telling me to do it, I'll change.

    I'm surprised at how much you like the infiltration - I thought that it was rather... meh-ish, and the whole "the plan" thing was partly me poking fun at myself and how cobbled together my plan for their plan was. So it's great that you liked it. Emotions are indeed one of the most enjoyable things in writing, for me.

    Not ticking off Velotus would be a very good idea. >:] Damn, he was so fun to write in that chapter.

    Shuko - Whoo! I never thought you'd review this - I read something you said in the Café a while back saying that you never find time to review others' work and don't care about getting reviews yourself. So I'm flattered that you're making an exception here. Duly added to the PM list.

    I can only hope that the plot stays this good; my plans for the story later on are decidedly vague with only the occasional truly planned out moment. As for my spoiler, all it contained was basically something saying "Archopy is mine, no stealing". It was only spoilered for the sake of people who didn't want to know its name/identity at that point for whatever reason. Nothing about its past has been revealed to anyone, I'm having fun being incredibly secretive with this fic, and it keeps the readers in suspense. Or something. :3

    Carrie's past. Apart from what you know, there isn't actually much of it that I've really worked out - it's once again rather vague. I don't particularly want to bore people with a backstory at a random moment, but if the appropriate time arises then perhaps I'll say more about her childhood (and her mother, who I totally have NO CLUE about right now). As for her age, the first chapter describes her as mid-teens. Here's the stupid part - I can't actually remember whether I'd originally planned for her to be fifteen or sixteen. And to be honest, I don't think a number will make all that much difference to how the readers view her.

    Griff4815 - I don't actually mind that you've gone off Velotus due to this chapter, as I did what I intended to do, to show how he would react when told by Carrie to do what he (and Kabutops) did. Both reacted, as well as I could manage, according to their personalities. I shall leave you hanging on whether or not the humans die - like I said above, I like keeping my readers in suspense.

    Unfortunately I doubt you'll get anything particularly detailed about how Theo got Kabutops. Most likely, it wasn't that interesting anyway.

    Do not diss the quirky. Quirky people are cool.

    Erm. That sentence is not to be taken seriously, btw. *shuts up*

    Edit: HommeDor - That review's not helpful at all. It's nice that you like it and all, but I'd assumed that your reviews would be a bit longer and more constructive than the one for the first three chapters as I know how hard it is to write a proper review when you have three chapters to comment on. Please, try to say more - good points, bad points - when you review or I may have to report you. And there's also no point saying you'd have preferred a Glaceon - he's an Espeon for my own reasons and I'm not changing that.
    Last edited by elyvorg; 5th October 2007 at 11:22 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

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