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Thread: Lost Evolution

  1. #226
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    Right I finished the entire Fiction to chapter 20.
    I must say that this is excellent, the only thing I didn't like is some little peices of the story that I found to be quite touchy, but otherwise it was fantastic.

    Im going to read Chapter 21 now, keep writing!

  2. #227
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    Rexhunter99 - You shouldn't really have double posted there, you know. I know you'd posted last and had more to add (though really that's not much more at all) but you could easily have edited your old post, and I'd have seen it in the end - I re-read this thread too much for my own good. You could have PMed me about the edit to make sure I noticed - heck, you could have just PMed me telling me you've caught up seeing as it's not much of a post that tells me pretty much only that.

    But what annoys me even more is the infuriating hint that there's something wrong with this, yet you don't even try to explain what you're talking about. What on earth do you mean by quite touchy? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining that you're saying something negative about the story; what I am complaining about is that I don't have a clue what is wrong. I'd love to know where I've gone wrong so I can avoid it in future, but how can I if you're being so painfully vague?

    I don't care how much you like this story; if you find something wrong with it, tell me.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  3. #228
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    There's nothing wrong, its just me, so don't worry.
    Its sort of like how I might like some food you dislike.
    Sorry for the Double-post i wasn't really thinking straight, it was 2 am.
    I cant review properly until I have read the entire Fic all over again.

  4. #229
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    I am now officially stoked about MemorCorp's plans. Hell, on paper it doesn't seem like a bad idea. Bring back extinct species so people can once again marvel at these ancient creatures. The only problem is that they may have to alter existing environments to reintroduce their resurrected Pokemon, which of course will wreak all the havoc and chaos associated with introducing a species into a foreign environment and whatnot.

    And so, like my quest for teacher certification, EVERYONE'S quest to Northern Canyon was for naught. Then again, given MemorCorp's vast resources, I'd be surprised if the Bad Light thugs were the only search team they had hunting for Archopy. They would surely have the ability to send out multiple teams to look in various places all over the region, so Carrie and Theo might actually be at a huge disadvantage now. At least they still have an edge over Vanessa, though, unless she's caught wind of the situation and started off toward another location.

    Interesting plot twist, even if I have no idea where in Hoenn their hunt will take them next XD And I'm really liking MemorCorp now... their objective seems really intriguing to me for reasons I can't put my finger on right now...
    Last edited by DarkPersian479; 23rd August 2008 at 7:05 PM.

  5. #230
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    The fact that they traveled so far to find Archopy and yet its probably on the other side of the continent is a great use of irony. Now that they're stuck in a cave how are they going to get out? Are they going to try to muscle their way out or are they going to try to find a way to get out without being noticed? How is MemorCorp going to alter Hoenn for the ancient Pokemon's habitats? Will Milo be found out about the earlier incident?

    So many questions I would like to be answered, but I'll wait for the next chapter to hopefully answer some of them. I can't wait to read the next chapter, elyvorg, so keep up the good work.
    "Suicide is like Candy. Both are bad for you, yet they are very popular."

  6. #231
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    Amazing I only have read the first chapter and needed to post, I normally dont post on fan fics but I had 2 on this one. This is the best fan fic I have read I read alot of fan fics and find them bad but this is amazing please keep it up.....

  7. #232
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    I just finished the story. Excellent work on it, and I'm far too lazy to review an entire story; Expect a review next chapter.
        Spoiler:- Quote Qorner:

  8. #233
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    -pants breathlessly- I... AM... ALIVE!

    Miss me?

    RIGHT! Well, no reviews, sorry Barbara, but, I just wanted you to know that I have a job now, which means I'll be getting a laptop soon which means stable, reliable and constant net connection, which means reviews ARE ON THEIR WAY. Yeah.

    Anyways I came not just to tell you that, but to tell you Arcophy was in my dream last night.

    Killing clowns and stealing their candles.

    ._. Whut now?

    Cya when I cya next~

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
    Quote Originally Posted by MSN
    Profesco says:
    You were an admirable baby.
    Quote Originally Posted by L0L View Post
    They named a game after me?

  9. #234
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    Default Chapter 22: Surrender

    Well, well, well - elyvorg is alive. Bring out the trumpets.

    Before I get to replying to the posts and giving you the next chapter, let me just apologise for making you all wait so long. Part of it was due to being put off by a long and tricky scene in Chapter 23 (yes, I'm still writing this one chapter ahead of what you're getting), but it was mostly thanks to a large distraction. There is but one person responsible for said distraction, and they know exactly who they are. I told them I'd blame them when I eventually got around to posting, and I'm sticking to my word, even if they're not being named. =P

    Unfortunately, due to distractions and other things such as school being annoying, chapter waits will probably start to take longer than they used to, although I'll try and avoid dying for nearly three months on a regular basis. I know I promised you that from here on the fic is getting even more interesting, and it still is; I'm just finding my interest taken up by other things as well.

    Quick review replies, spoilered for those who don't care:
        Spoiler:


    Seeing as it's been quite a while since the last chapter, if any of you can't remember much of it, by all means pop back and have a quick skim through to remind yourself, as you might possibly be slightly confused when reading this chapter. Which is right here. So let's go.

    Chapter 22: Surrender


    It was dark, but she couldn’t sleep. There was too much on her mind.

    She perched in the upper branches of a tall tree, gazing out through the sparse canopy at the stars in the night sky. They were the exact same stars from the memories – that much she was sure of, for the creature from the past had often done as she had now and simply sat watching them, dreaming of an easier life. This was home, she knew it. And yet, at the same time, it wasn’t.

    The same stars, but a different forest beneath them. How was that possible?

    She lowered her gaze from the sky and looked around at the array of trees surrounding her, difficult as they were to make out in the dark of night. Again she checked them against the jumble of memories in her mind, again not a single one of them seemed right. It had been the same for all the other parts of this forest she had visited since arriving while the sun had still been in the sky, knowing somehow that this was the place yet not seeing this fact with her own eyes.

    She wondered if she really was in another land, despite the stars. In the memories, her home was far, far smaller, covered in nothing but dense forest and rimmed with sand. Beyond that, the water went on forever, empty and peaceful.

    This place was different. It was too big, and some of the things she had flown over to reach here, she couldn’t even begin to comprehend. There had been tiny seas on top of the land rather than around it, and long streaks of dry, bare ground where it seemed no plant could grow. But even more unfamiliar and far more unsettling had been the forests of unnaturally square structures, clustered together in an imitation of trees and inhabited by creatures clearly at home in this strange environment. She had almost flown over one of these before changing her course to swerve around it instead. The shape of the giant objects reminded her uncomfortably of the square box in which she had begun her life – her own life – and she wanted no further reminder of that, real as it might have been.

    She drew her mind away from these uncomfortable thoughts and stared up again at the stars. What had changed the land her past self had known so much? And how had the stars managed to resist this change?

    Not for the first time, she found herself wishing her kind had been able to resist their own natural change. From what she was told by the memories, there were none left like her; they had all perished, to be taken over and replaced with Them.

    But no, that was unfair. Not every member of that species – Sceptile, they called themselves – had been one of Them. There had simply been a group, small at first but larger in the later memories and referred to by her kind only as Them. They had been dedicated to wiping out her own species out of a belief that They – and the rest of Their kind – were superior. And They had succeeded; the other Sceptile who had taken no part in it had just happened to be on the winning side.

    At least, They had wiped out the rest of her kind. But what about her? Why was she still alive, still filled with the memories of the last one from long ago? And where were They now?

    She shook herself down, hearing the rustle of her leaves mingle with the swishing of the forest in the night breeze. There was no point dwelling on such things, she knew. None of the life she was living right now made any sense.

    Sleep had still not found its way to her, so she cast her gaze once more up to the skies and continued watching the stars.

    * * *

    “You’re kidding me.”

    Carrie could tell even as the words left her mouth that she didn’t really believe them. Theo was right – what sort of a blind assumption was thinking that Archopy would come to where it had been fossilised, of all places?

    He didn’t even bother telling her he wasn’t kidding; he could clearly see she didn’t mean it, too. But part of Carrie still refused to believe that she and Theo could have wasted all that time, all that effort getting here. That they could have been so stupid.

    She shook her head speechlessly for a few seconds, mouth hanging open as she tried to find something to say. Eventually, a word found its way out. “Why?”

    “Why what?” came Theo’s reply. As he was the one holding the torch, she couldn’t properly make out his face, but from his voice alone she could hear that he already blamed himself. Seeing an opening, Carrie went in for the kill.

    “Why the hell did you say it would be here in the first place? You’re the fossil nut, not me. You should have known it was a ridiculous idea. You should have thought about it!”

    “I did!” protested Theo. “I thought Archopy would be somewhere near the canyon rather than in this exact cave – Northern Canyon was just meant to be a starting point. But then we got so caught up with letting slip the location and trying to beat people to it that I forgot! I forgot, okay?”

    Carrie glared at him, not backing down. “But you said the nearest landmass is nowhere near here! How come you didn’t work that out before we started wasting our time?”

    “I – I thought it would be closer. I didn’t really think about –”

    “So you admit it! You didn’t think!” Carrie exclaimed triumphantly.

    There was silence as Theo stared at the floor, defeated. Carrie took the moment to look around and see how her Pokémon were taking the news. Foliano and Ivyx were looking at each other in resigned disappointment, while Empathy seemed merely irritated at the recent outburst of emotions. Velotus, true to form, was glaring murderously at Theo as if it were all his fault.

    It was all his fault.

    “Look,” Theo said in a more reasonable voice, “I don’t know why you’re bothering to have a go at me. Yes, I screwed up –”

    “Big time,” Carrie put in.

    “– but that doesn’t change our situation. We’re stuck in a cave with Archopy miles away, and bickering about it isn’t going to help.”

    “I’m not bickering!” she protested.

    Theo sighed and sat down, staring sullenly into the gloom without saying anything else. Carrie let out a frustrated sigh, glaring at the hole from which he had dug the fossil and staying stubbornly stood up.

    Neither of them said anything for a long moment, during which Carrie could feel her anger slowly seep out of her, leaving nothing but numb disappointment and fatigue. She yawned, suddenly realising just how tired she was. The adrenalin of excitement at finally being about to meet Archopy had kept her going, but now it had dissipated like it was never there. If only she were outside, she would have been able to tell how late it was – it had to be completely dark by now, surely? – but no, here she was, trapped in this useless cave.

    Carrie bitterly scuffed her shoe against the cavern floor before all but collapsing into a sitting position, taking the weight off her weary legs. She fervently tried to force her mind away from worries of what might be going on outside – what might be happening to Crescent. Carrie only hoped he’d somehow managed to escape the Pokémon guarding the area, almost sixty in number, each one powerful, ruthless…

    “There is one good side to this,” Theo muttered thoughtfully.

    “Uh?” She looked over in his direction, thankful for a distraction from her thoughts.

    “If we got it wrong, then so did they.”

    “What?” mumbled Carrie indistinctly.

    “Those thugs from Bad Light,” he said. “They only came here because you told them about it. They probably still think they can find Archopy here.”

    It took a while for her mind to process this, but when it did, Carrie perked up slightly. “They won’t have found it either.”

    Theo nodded. “Exactly. So when we get out of here, we’ll just have to start looking for it again. We won’t be any further behind than them.”

    Carrie gave a tired sigh. “How’re we meant to get out of here?” Her words weren’t even particularly challenging; the desire to argue had just left her completely.

    He shrugged and looked aimlessly around the cavern. “I think we should just get some rest and work on that tomorrow,” he said. “I’m tired, and you look it, too.”

    Carrie gave a noncommittal grunt and pulled out her sleeping bag. She glanced briefly at her Pokémon; they showed varying levels of apprehension, but none of them seemed tired. Carrie envied them for having a Poké Ball to rest in through most of the day. “You lot can keep watch,” she told them without really thinking over her words. “In case of… in case something happens.”

    She gave her mouth a mental smack for managing to unnerve her further. As if being trapped inside a cave and then meekly going to sleep wasn’t bad enough…

    “They’ll have a job in the pitch dark,” Theo pointed out. He held up his torch. “I’ll have to turn this off; the batteries won’t last all night.” Carrie opened her mouth, but he continued before she could speak. “Your Pokémon won’t be able to keep up their lighting attacks forever, either. They should save their energy, in case… you know… like you said.”

    “So, wait,” Carrie said as she arranged her sleeping bag on the flattest part of the floor she could find and clambered into it, “we’re going to sleep, in the middle of a cave, in complete darkness?”

    Theo looked unfazed by that fact at least. “I’ve done it before,” he said.

    “I haven’t.”

    Carrie hastily looked to her Pokémon to back her up. Velotus gave her a look that told her he wasn’t bothered either way. Foliano and Ivyx exchanged worried glances with Empathy, but neither of them made a move to light up their leaves.

    “It can’t be much worse than sleeping in a forest at night,” Theo said in an attempt to reassure her.

    She didn’t voice her disagreement. There was a big difference between the tiniest vestiges of starlight that always found their way through the forest canopy and total blackness.

    Total blackness which Carrie was suddenly plunged into as Theo flicked off the torch.

    * * *

    Crescent stood his ground, panting heavily. The sleek black dog that he might have got along with in any other situation was pawing the ground in front of him. If it wasn’t for his curved horns and whitish, bony ridges, the Houndoom would have been practically invisible in the darkness. To his left stood the Nidoking from the day before, his fanged grin showing his eagerness to have another shot at Crescent. The Absol whined softly but stopped himself from stepping back. Though he couldn't hear the perpetual beat of her wings, he knew that the Crobat hovered behind him, waiting.

    He’d run his fastest; he’d dodged and swerved and looped back on himself, but they finally had him surrounded with nowhere to go. Whatever help he might have intended to run and fetch for his trainer, there was no hope of him reaching it now.

    Crescent could sense that the Pokémon were merely taking a moment to catch their breath before moving in to finish him off. Knowing that they wouldn’t wait long, he closed his eyes and braced himself, slipping into a frame of mind that allowed him to predict his foes’ moves and calculate his dodges before the attacks were even carried out.

    He felt Crobat bare her fangs and lunge at him from behind; he leapt to the side and ducked underneath the added swipe of her wing without even opening his eyes. Nidoking was charging at him, his horn lowered and glowing with energy, so Crescent crouched and sprung into the air, his eyes snapping open as he sailed over the Pokémon to deliver a slash to his head.

    The Nidoking roared in indignation as Crescent landed and skidded across the ground which had suddenly been lit up by a nearby orange glow. He turned and found he was looking straight down the Houndoom’s throat as the canine charged up a blast of flickering flames. Hastily ducking, Crescent felt the fur on his back singe as the fire surged past.

    He backed off slowly, but Crobat flapped her way behind him to cut off his escape again. Houndoom gazed directly into his eyes before loosing another stream of flames towards him. Crescent dodged to the side, his eyes open this time, and realised far too late that he had jumped into the path of Nidoking’s fist.

    The punch sent him flying straight back through the searing wall of fire. With a howl of agony, Crescent landed in a heap and just lay there shaking for a moment, wondering why he was doing this. He couldn’t even help himself, let alone his trainer.

    A slight breeze stung his scorched body and brought him sharply back to the present. He forced himself to his feet, saw that the air disturbance was from the approaching Crobat and quickly fired off a sphere of dark matter towards her, sending her reeling backwards.

    Encouraged by his success, Crescent was taken completely by surprise as something long and brutal stabbed him in the flank. He gave the Nidoking a panicked glance as the Pokémon’s horn shunted him sideways, but he couldn’t feel the dreadful sensation of the poison creeping into his body. Not like before.

    Desperately, Crescent pulled away from Nidoking and turned to flee as fast as he could from his attackers, trying to ignore the aching in his side from where he had taken two hits. Through the fear and pain that clouded his mind, he only just managed to register where he was running to – back towards the humans and their Pokémon that guarded the canyon wall. Where would that get him?

    With a whine of despair, he gave up fleeing and slumped to the ground, defeated. A single glance behind him told him the whole story: the far wall of the canyon was hopelessly out of reach. Houndoom and Nidoking were blocking his path, making escape even more impossible. With a few quick beats of her skinny wings, Crobat made her way in front of Crescent so that he was cut off yet again.

    He hung his head and let out a low, warbling note of melancholy as he waited for his end to come. For what else could it be? Crescent had seen these Pokémon’s trainers; he’d gleaned enough of their nature to know that they wouldn’t lay off him once he fainted.

    The note shifted in pitch slightly to accompany thoughts of his trainer – shouldn’t he try to go down fighting, like she would? But he couldn’t see any good reason to. He was going to die anyway; what was the point? And right now, as strange as it was, he felt slightly ill, like the creeping feeling of despair had invaded his very body and made him feel sick.

    Crescent lifted his head, changing the tone of his voice again to begin forming some kind of melody. He hadn’t the heart to go down fighting, but something in him made it feel right that he should go down singing. And as he looked up, he saw that Crobat was hesitating, the expression on her face almost as if she was feeling the same sickness he was.

    Unsure what was happening, Crescent raised his voice and began to sing more smoothly, filling his notes with every bit of despair and hopelessness he held within him. His stomach twisted as the sick feeling intensified, and he realised: it was the song. His song was making him feel ill.

    He looked again at Crobat and saw her grimace, filled with discomfort – it was having the same effect on her. Neither Houndoom nor Nidoking had made a move to finish him off from behind, and Crescent could only hope they were feeling the same thing. He’d never known anything like this happening before; it was terrible yet eerily beautiful at the same time.

    And it was his way out.

    Blocking out the sudden flush of hope in case it weakened the song, Crescent set his sights on the canyon wall once more and dashed underneath Crobat as she reeled from the unexpected sickness. He put his injuries out of mind, focusing instead on the melancholy that stayed with him as he sang, louder and louder. The haunting melody rang out through the canyon, filled with notes of anguish and pain that struck the souls of every Pokémon it reached.

    The nausea clawing at his stomach was becoming harder to bear, but Crescent forced himself on, kept the song going with all the strength he had. He passed Pokémon who stopped and cringed as the sickness invaded them, humans who yelled in vain for them to attack. Crescent was already at the wall and scaling it, using his claws to keep a firm grip on the gentlest part of the slope he could find, all the while singing his eerie lament.

    He reached the top and almost collapsed there and then, but he knew he still wasn’t safe. Pushing himself to ignore the overwhelming sickness and keep singing, he dashed almost blindly forward. There were shapes in the darkness not too far ahead – trees! – and he half ran, half stumbled towards them.

    Head filled with the swirling notes of misery, nausea twisting his stomach out of shape, he barely even registered that he’d entered the forest. Crescent didn’t know where he had found the strength, but something in him insisted that he needed to go further, so he pushed on.

    The last piece of coherence in his jumbled, desperate mind was of him lying on the ground, some way into the trees. He let out one final wavering note of pain and allowed his consciousness to slip away as he succumbed to the sickness inside him.

    * * *

    There was a rustle of branches some way behind her. She had just begun to doze off, but the noise had startled her back into full wakefulness. She gripped the bark of the tree she was in tightly, frightened by the strange sounds of this strange forest. It could be anything at all in those trees. Nothing in her life made any sense; this had to be just another piece of this unfamiliar world.

    Despite her reservations, she realised that she would rather know what it was than be left with this creeping, uncertain feeling of dread. She turned herself around and peered through the trees from the safety of her own branch. With only the light of the stars above, it was difficult to make anything out at all in the forest. At last she caught sight of movement. Whatever the creature was, its dark, dull colouring made it well hidden in the night.

    Urged on by curiosity, she leaned forward to get a better look. Its shape was vaguely familiar, but it was more thickset and stocky than anything she knew, not smooth like her own kind or angled like one of Them. It was... almost square-like, in a way.

    She suddenly remembered where she had seen others like it before: they were the creatures that lived in the grey, blocky forests that unnerved her so much. She’d seen them only from a distance as she’d flown around their homes – this was what one looked like up close.

    Having no idea whether these creatures were friendly or hostile, she kept as still as she could, hoping their night vision was poorer than hers. Clutching tightly to her branch, she peered through the darkness for any sign of others. Was it alone, or did these things hunt in packs?

    She really wished she hadn’t just thought of it as a predator. She had never been prey in the memories, but in this strange world, anything was possible.

    Something else moved, slipping into sight next to the stocky creature from behind a tree. She wondered if it was another of the same species – but no, she realised, it looked different. Pointier. Angled. Green.

    She froze in absolute terror. It was one of Them. They had survived, They had won, and now They were coming to finish her off, with these square-dwellers by Their side.

    It hadn’t seen her yet. It couldn’t have done; if it had, she would have been dead in an instant, she knew it. She didn’t want to die, not yet, not until she had made sense of this world. Pulling herself back from the brink of panic, she forced her body to stay completely still, hardly daring to breathe, for what if it heard her?

    A long moment passed. Then another.

    Slowly, ever so slowly, her fearful gaze moved towards the Sceptile. It was looking around carefully, sensing, still unsure exactly where she was. She tried to convince herself that it – no, he; it looked like a male – didn’t mean any harm, that he was one of the innocents who were never part of Them, but her mind was flooded with terrible memories – memories of murders that the creature from the past had witnessed, times she had barely escaped with her life.

    He had to be one of Them. He had to be out to kill her. There was simply nothing else he could be.

    She remained tensed, motionless, watching the Sceptile. In that moment, nothing else existed except those cruel yellow eyes, flicking around. Searching. Locking on.

    In a flash, the night was lit up by a blazing neon green as the Sceptile shot at her tree, slicing the space she had leapt out of only just in time. She landed, disoriented, among the undergrowth and struggled to spread her wings. She had to take off – this forest was wide and spacious, she should have room to gather enough speed, it was her only hope of escape…

    “Leave it.” The square-dweller spoke in a low, rough voice. The language was alien to her, but she understood it like she did all others. And yet it made no sense. This creature was speaking like it could command the Sceptile – and it was telling him to stop?

    The bright light was approaching from behind her, bringing with it a promise of deadly blades. She felt a tickle on the leaves at the back of her neck, knew that if the Sceptile decided, it would be all over in an instant.

    Then the brightness faded away, and the creature stomped around her and into her sight. “Later,” he hissed at her, sparing her a short but malevolent glance.

    She found herself terrified all over again. She might have been safe for the moment, but now she knew that the Sceptile wanted her dead. He was merely waiting for his opportunity, a moment where this square-dweller wouldn’t be around to stop him.

    Despite herself, she couldn’t help wondering how the square-dweller had such control over him. Why didn’t the Sceptile just dispose of it, too?

    All thoughts of this were pushed out of her head in an instant as a bright light lit the forest again – it was the blades, he was going to kill her right now – and then the light faded, and she went cold.

    This was surely what it was like to die. But no, the memories knew that, too; death held no cold, just emptiness. Realising she could still see the forest around her and concluding that she was most definitely alive, she looked up to see a giant grinning face hovering right in front of her.

    She flinched and stumbled backwards, frightened once again by the sudden appearance of such a strange creature. There was nothing to it but the face, she realised; it was simply a giant floating sphere with cold blue eyes staring out from the shiny white substance that encased it. It wasn’t just the eyes, though – everything about it was cold. It was making the cold.

    Shivering, she took another step back. She liked her warmth, and this creature was going to take it from her. Should she try to attack it before it could? Thinking back on how she had escaped her box, she closed her eyes and focused as hard as she could on the leaves at the back of her neck. They shivered of their own accord, trying desperately to absorb energy – but it wasn’t enough. The stars weren’t enough; she needed the sun.

    The square-dweller spoke again. “Glalie, Ice Beam!”

    She didn’t know what was being commanded, but it sounded cold – terribly cold. Desperate to hold onto her warmth, she folded her wings and darted to one side as a burst of bright, freezing energy fired out of the face’s grinning mouth. A wave of frigid air washed over her, chilling her all the way through. She shivered, unable to muster up the energy to jump away from a second attack, and the freezing blast hit her right in the chest.

    With a strangled screech of pain, she toppled over backwards. Whatever frigid substance was coating the face-creature had encased her own body, holding her fixed. It was so cold – piercingly, terrifyingly cold – and she realised with a fresh stab of fear that she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move.

    It was going to kill her. She was going to die here, not by Their blades, but by an equally terrible fate.

    Awaiting her inevitable death, she barely registered something small and hard bounce off her frozen form. A moment later and the cold had vanished, replaced by a fuzzy red haze of nothingness. Her leaves, her wings, her body – all of it was gone, and she was nothing more than thoughts, drifting through an empty red sea.

    She didn’t know what was happening to her, but at least it wasn’t cold. Anything was better than the cold.

    She gave in to the redness, letting it consume her, and then she knew no more.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 22nd December 2008 at 5:08 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  10. #235
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    Oh. My. God.

    You live, and now Archopy is back under the control of Memorcorp, I think. My memory fails me tonight...but this chapter was short but sweet. Crescent's Perish Song scene was amazingly detailed, and makes me love Absol again, especially because of Superpower...

    keep it up.


    I reject your Nyancats and replace it with my own.
    FB

  11. #236
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    I have only just finished chapter 5 but i already love this fic, i will finish reading it tomorrow and post my thoughts but i think i will ask to be put on the pm list now since its so good haha

  12. #237
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    Haha, also, as I promised... I've sent all the chapters to myself via email.

    Now... I will plan on printing them all out and uhh... Ya know, reading them in my free, none computer time. Huzzah~

    Reviews are coming, just a liiiittttle longer! -handshake of the happy apocalypse-

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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Well, well, well - elyvorg is alive. Bring out the trumpets.
    I couldn't find any trumpets, but I did find a tuba. Close enough?

    Anyway, great chapter, and awesome description of Perish Song. Has Archopy been captured by Memorcorp or just an ordinary trainer? It sounds like Memorcorp, but how did they find Archopy?

    Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.

    WARNING - The above post is not intended to make sense or to be taken seriously, nor is this signature.
    Enigma is not responsible for any brain damage caused by attempts to fully comprehend anything he has written.

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    What can i say? You make me wait so long that i thought you had dissapeared, and then you post this marvellous chapter, YAY!

    I must say, you describe feelings and emotions very well. I could feel the power coming from Crescent's Perish Song, Archopy's confusion and Carrie's anger. And the whole chapter was so detailed and long!

    I have a feeling that it wasn't MemorCorp who caught Archopy...i don't remember one of them having a Sceptile and a Glalie. But possibly that other boy (i forgot his name - sorry) who had a Sceptile which Velotus lost to...
    Last edited by Sinnohdragon; 14th November 2008 at 7:34 PM.

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    I can't remember if this is the first time you've done scenes from Archopy's point of view, but I don't recall you doing it before now. In any event, I thought the scenes were beautifully done, perfectly capturing her unfamiliarity with the modern world. Her description of the world beneath her and especially the phrase "square-dwellers" really help to establish this. And I'm interested as to finding out the history between Archopy and Sceptile as species. Archopy's memories provide some very tantalizing hints, like how some but not all Sceptile (Them) seemingly targeted Archopy for death in the past.

    And now it's time for Theo to get owned. But he does make the point that I did last time that now everybody's back to square one. By that same token, I'm also of the opinion that the team that attacked Archopy at the end of the chapter are, at the very least, not part of the MemorCorp team that followed Carrie and Theo to Northern Canyon. Again, it's a big corporate entity, so I'm not going to count MemorCorp out of the attack. But I'm not going to deny the possibility that the atacker was some collector who thought, "I haven't seen a Pokemon like that before! I've gotta catch it!"

    And this is the best use of Perish Song I've ever come across. And I think it's in large part because you detail how Crescent is becoming weaker and running out of energy and stamina as he continues his song. His struggle to escape the attackers shows not only the debilitating effect of the move, but his determination to make it out of the situation alive.

    Can't wait for the next chapter. Unless Archopy can pull off an incredible escape, this chase could take an interesting new turn.

  16. #241
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    Sorry for the lateness! Here comes a review-of-doom.

    Nice Archopy segment; I enjoyed her confusion over how everything is the same but different. I see you went with making 'Them' only some Sceptile, which makes the story feel considerably less prejudiced, so I'm glad for that.

    He didn’t even bother telling her he wasn’t kidding; he could clearly see she didn’t mean it, too. But part of Carrie still refused to believe that she and Theo could have wasted all that time, all that effort getting here. That they could have been so stupid.
    I found this paragraph a bit interesting, because it's omniscient - I believe everything in the fic so far has been split into sections each from one particular character's point of view, but suddenly here you have one sentence that seems to be from Theo's point of view in the middle of Carrie's POV. Nothing wrong with it per se; it just struck me as odd.

    Total blackness which Carrie was suddenly plunged into as Theo flicked off the torch.
    I don't quite like this sentence. I think it's because this form of repetition works best when the event in the repeated paragraph is something unexpected, a kind of cliffhanger, which this is not, since it's just Theo flicking off the torch. It could just be me, but I felt it had an odd effect.

    Though the perpetual beat of her wings couldn’t be heard, he knew that the Crobat hovered behind him, waiting.
    Also struck me as sort of odd; when you said "the perpetual beat of her wings" it entered my mental image of the scene as a background noise (I mean, "perpetual beat"), and then you suddenly go on to "couldn't be heard", which confuses the mental image because the previous wording made me assume it was heard.

    It also seemed sort of strange to me when you revealed that Bad Light's Pok&#233;mon were "catching their breaths", since in the previous paragraphs I had gotten the impression they were sort of calmly surrounding him or imprisoning him, just preventing him from getting away rather than trying to fight him. I think it might be how long you spent describing them standing there, the Houndoom invisible in the darkness; it all set a very calm, quiet sort of scene that made the sudden jump into action kind of jarring.

    I did think the battle was pretty well choreographed; you kept track of all four Pok&#233;mon well enough to make it never seem like they were waiting for one another, which is nice. I also enjoyed how he learned/used Perish Song and the sort of mental process accompanying it.

    Lit only by the stars above, it was difficult to make anything out at all in the forest, but then she caught sight of movement. Whatever it was, its dark, dull colouring made it well hidden in the night.
    I thought this seemed kind of awkward. "Lit only by the stars above" doesn't get to the noun it modifies ("forest") until oddly late, and the "but then she caught sight of movement" seemed sort of forced - I think it's the "then", since what comes before it isn't describing anything that's happening, but rather just the conditions, and following that by a word implying the passing of time, such as "then", is sort of odd ("It was raining, but then I went to the store"). It would work better as something like "The forest lit only by the stars above, it was difficult to make anything out at all, but some movement caught her eye", or including the action of her peering through the trees with the description of the dark conditions. Then there's the second sentence, which talks about an "it", while what it is referring to from the sentence before is "movement" - you're saying that the movement had dark, dull coloring, which naturally doesn't really make sense.

    I'm way overthinking this, I know.

    this forest was wide and spacious, she should have room to gather enough speed, it was her only hope of escape…
    All of these three are full sentences on their own, so it is grammatically incorrect to separate them only by commas. You could do this for effect, but it doesn't seem like the right effect in this scene.

    I love Archopy's fear of the cold, by the way, since after all her typing has a double weakness to Ice and it seems a nice way to portray it in the story in a kind of subtle way.

    So Aiden caught Archopy, eh? (Well, I think it's Aiden, in any case; definitely sounded like his Sceptile to me.) Interesting twist, since now not only will Carrie and Theo presumably have to find out about this and try to catch up with him, but we also have the question of whether Aiden will bring Archopy back to MemorCorp or whether his Sceptile will get to her first. Hmm.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  17. #242
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    Damn, I've slacked off of these review replies rather badly this chapter. >.<

    Seeing as pretty much everyone mentioned two things, I'll comment on them generally rather than individually. Firstly, I'm really happy about how well Crescent's scene went down with readers. I rather liked the idea for it when I came up with it, but I wasn't totally pleased with how it actually turned out - I felt it took him rather too long to collapse, or something - so it's good to see how much everyone liked it. If anyone feels like telling me, I'd be interested to know at which point you worked out that he was using Perish Song, seeing as I was deliberately vague about it for a bit.

    Secondly, it surprises me how most of you aren't sure about who caught Archopy. I thought the presence of a Sceptile made it all rather obvious, but perhaps some of you can't remember far enough back to work out what that means. I'm not going to be too explicit about it here in case any of you want to be kept guessing, but if you want to piece it together, Chapter 7 and the end of Chapter 13 have the bits of info you need.

    fishyfool - It's nice to see you're still reading, seeing as you don't reply much and aren't on the PM list. What do you mean by Superpower?

    Killer Grunt - Always nice to see a new reader, and to see that even my earlier chapters are enough to draw people in. I think you were added to the PM list way back when I first read your post. How far through are you now?

    Darkfall - Still waiting on you getting that laptop, yaknow... =P

    Enigma - How they found Archopy can be worked out if you think about it enough. I'm not about to tell you - I love how many mysteries this story has managed to cultivate. =D It should be explained in due course, but until then, keep guessing.

    Sinnohdragon - Yay, love for Archopy's confusion. That was fun to do. And I think that this chapter is actually shorter than they have been recently. The next one's pretty long, though.

    DarkPersian479 - Actually, these aren't the first Archopy scenes. I did one in Chapter 2 and another more fillery one in Chapter 8, although as those were a while ago and not too plot-vital, I can understand how they might have slipped your mind. Yay once again for the appreciation of Archopy's confusion, particularly for the phrase "square-dwellers". I was quite pleased with that phrase, and it's an easy way to refer to humans in Archopy's POV without being too long-winded.

    I had Theo make the point about everybody being back to square one specifically so that I could prove him wrong later in the chapter with Archopy's scene, seeing as Archopy's capture does, like you said, give the chase a totally new turn.

    Dragonfree - Thanks as always for a nicely nitpicky review. I've changed around the wording of the third and fourth things you quoted and left the others as they are while acknowledging that they could have been done better. The last one, incidentally, was an attempt to show panic by using a run-on, but I agree that it doesn't work particularly well.

    I totally agree with you on the way Crescent's scene started off, too. I wanted to begin by calmly describing them and outlining the situation, then I realised that there'd have to be a reason for them not moving so just kind of shoved in "catching their breaths" at the end there. Should have thought that one through more, really. >.<

    I have you to thank for giving me a good slap around the face in your first review and getting me to want to make up for the whole Sceptile thing by retconning it to make some kind of sense. So there you go.

    And congratulations on being the only one who's replied to appear to have completely figured out the identity of Archopy's captor.


    Might as well end this with a quick update on my progress for anyone who's interested. Unfortunately, I haven't actually written any of Chapter 24 yet due to a mixture of distractions and me spending quite a while planning the upcoming chapters which were previously one big gap in the plotline between point A and point B. By now, I've filled most of the gap with some stuff that should be a lot of fun to do, and I'm starting to get back into the mood for writing this - doing these review replies is an attempt to spark my enthusiasm even further. I would be writing right now, but annoyingly I keep picturing Grace White as looking exactly like a villain from an episode of something that I rewatched today, which I need to sleep off so I don't bias my portrayal of her. >.<

    So yeah, I think I've rambled enough. The next chapter should be here in a week or two, fingers crossed.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  18. #243
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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Darkfall - Still waiting on you getting that laptop, yaknow... =P

    You and me both Borris. You and me both.

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    How could you DO that?!?!?! I'll admit that the last chapter was well written, but still...Why? Why would you let a creep like him CATCH Archopy? Please tell me that something or someone manages to get her somewhere safe.
    Times may change, but DRAGONS are forever.

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    Default Chapter 23: Turnaround

    DracoRex256 - Because it's part of the story? It wouldn't be as interesting if I avoided things like that just because they weren't nice - a story without conflict isn't much fun, after all. Besides, you've got to remember who the "creep like him" is working for and therefore why he even caught her in the first place.

    Either way, thanks for reading and welcome to the fic.

    So after a longer wait than I'd hoped, here's the next chapter. Sometime soon I'm just going to stop bothering making estimates of how long I'll take, as they're always too optimistic.

    Chapter 23: Turnaround

    Her sleep was broken by a rumbling, clattering noise. Archopy had found its way into the cavern and was peering closely at Carrie.

    “Vyle! Gro grovyle.”

    “Huh?” Carrie forced her half-shut eyes to open properly and saw that it wasn’t Archopy in front of her at all; it was Foliano. Of course it wasn’t Archopy. She could barely even remember what Archopy looked like.

    Wake up. There’s been a rockslide,” Foliano repeated, and this time Carrie’s brain was just about in gear enough to understand his words.

    “I’m awake,” she mumbled as she pushed herself into a vaguely upright sitting position, still feeling like she was going to fall back to sleep any second. “What time is it?”

    It’s only been a few hours, I think.

    Carrie blinked, barely taking this in, and glanced around the cave. The bright white of Foliano’s leaves picked out Theo, still out of it in his own sleeping bag with Kabutops standing by him. Empathy and the other two Grovyle looked anxiously between Carrie and the assortment of small rocks that littered the cavern floor only a few metres away.

    Something clicked in Carrie’s mind. “Hang on – rockslide?”

    As if in answer, the cavern rumbled and shook, further pieces of stone crumbling away from the crinkled walls and tumbling towards the ground. A stalactite snapped off from the ceiling and landed heavily in Carrie’s lap. She jumped. A second later she was annoyed with herself for doing so; her sleeping bag was still wrapped around her legs, so it hadn’t hurt at all. She pushed the stalactite off her as the trembling began to subside.

    No-one else had been hit, but even more dust and crumbled stone lay scattered across the floor. Feeling completely awake now, Carrie looked towards Theo, who was still somehow fast asleep. She kicked off her sleeping bag and stuffed it back where it belonged, then scrambled towards him. “Someone’s gonna have to wake him up,” she muttered.

    Kabutops nudged his trainer with the blunt edge of his scythe, which unsurprisingly failed to get a response. Empathy shook his head at the Rock-type and stepped forwards, closing his eyes to concentrate. Theo began mumbling and fidgeting in his sleeping bag as he started to wake. He turned himself over, looked sleepily at Empathy and then up at Carrie. “Wha?”

    “There’s been a rockslide. Rockslides. We need to move. Now,” she snapped.

    “Huh?” Theo sat up a little and looked around the cave. His eyes widened in comprehension as he took in the scattering of rocks across the floor. “Oh, shi…”

    He scrambled to his feet, hastily packing away his sleeping bag and picking up his torch from where he’d left it. “We’d better move,” he said. “Bigger caverns like this one are a lot more prone to total collapses.”

    “Thanks for that,” Carrie hissed. “That really helps.”

    Picking her way carefully through the rubble on the ground, she followed Theo as he took Kabutops’ lead through a tunnel that led away from the cavern. Carrie didn’t recognise it as the one they’d come in by, and a further unease crept over her as she realised they were heading deeper into the complex of caves rather than back towards the canyon outside.

    “Why are we going this way?” she demanded.

    Theo shrugged. “I’m following Kabutops. He knows better than I do where we might find a safe spot –”

    Carrie snorted. “Being lost inside a massive maze of caves is a safe spot to you, is it?”

    “Or a way out.”

    Carrie forgot to look where she was placing her feet and almost tripped on a loose stone. “What?” she said, stumbling to regain her balance.

    “I’m not completely sure, because I never got a chance to explore much last time – too busy with Archopy –”

    “Spit it out.”

    Theo sighed and went on patiently. “But I remember reading somewhere that there’s one tunnel in Northern Canyon’s caves that doesn’t come out into the canyon – it comes out into the forest on top.”

    “Just one?”

    He nodded.

    “And what makes you think Bad Light won’t know about it, too? Can’t be too hard to guard it if there’s only one.”

    Theo came to a halt as Kabutops paused to examine a choice between two forking tunnels ahead. “I’m hoping they don’t. But even if they do, which would you prefer?” He turned to her in the leaf light. “Fighting your way past one guard, or several?”

    Carrie was about to concede his point – unless she could find another criticism to keep her thoughts busy – when the brightness faded, leaving the cavern in total darkness.

    She flinched from the sudden loss of light, grabbing blindly at the tunnel wall with one arm to steady herself. “Foli!” she hissed in a voice that came out decidedly more high-pitched than usual. “What did you do that –”

    As suddenly as it had gone, the light slid back into existence again, silencing her protest. Carrie rounded on Foliano accusingly, only to see that it was now Ivyx illuminating the cave.

    Sorry,” she said, looking up at her trainer with worry on her face. “Foli got tired, so I said I’d take over. I should have made it overlap with his. Are you okay?

    “Fine,” Carrie said all too quickly. She turned towards Kabutops and the fork in the path again as she forced her breathing back to normal. “So which way is it?”

    The Pokémon pointed to the right. “Tops.”

    They continued in silence down the tunnel with nothing to occupy them other than picking their way around the occasional fallen rock. The conversation about the way out was apparently over – but Carrie couldn’t deny being immensely glad they were headed towards the fresh air of the outside rather than deeper into the cave. How Kabutops could possibly work out the route to the only available exit was a matter she would rather not bring up.

    After a few more minutes of traipsing through the tunnels in total silence, half expecting to be buried alive by another rock fall, Carrie decided that actually, she would rather bring it up. Anything to distract her mind.

    “How’s Kabutops meant to know –”

    “Kabu!” The fossil Pokémon stopped her in mid-sentence, one scythe held up in the air, stock still. She barely had time to wonder what he was doing before another rumble shook the tunnel, far more violent than the previous ones. Kabutops darted aside as a couple of stalactites crashed towards the ground. Seeing what Theo was doing, Carrie took his lead and flattened herself against the most solid-looking piece of wall she could find, bracing herself as more debris came tumbling down.

    The cavern shaking with her, Carrie looked up at the ceiling, hoping, praying that the huge, deadly-looking rock above her head would stay where it was.

    Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall…

    The light flicked off and the darkness returned.

    “Ivyx!” Carrie shrieked, half furious at the loss of light at such a moment, half terrified her Pokémon had been hit. All around her, the shaking was subsiding; the rocks were ceasing to fall. That was something to be thankful for at least.

    “Ivyx?” she repeated frantically. “Are you okay?”

    I’m fine,” came the female Pokémon’s frightened voice out of the blackness. “It’s my fault – I can’t keep it up for long. I haven’t had much practice…

    “Never mind that,” Carrie snapped, still frozen in place against the wall, “will someone please get some light in here?”

    The green-tinged whiteness returned, this time coming from Velotus. Carrie saw with horror that a giant bruise was forming on his side. “What happened?” she asked, gaping.

    He shook his head dismissively. “It’s nothing,” he said.

    You were trying to dodge the rocks,” Foliano pointed out.

    Velotus shot Ivyx an accusing glance. “Harder to do when the light cuts out.

    She looked offended at that, but her mate placed a pacifying arm on her shoulder.

    “Hold on a second,” Carrie cut in, staring at Velotus. “You were trying to dodge the rocks? Why couldn’t you just stay against the wall like everyone else did?”

    He fixed her with an intense gaze. “Some of us need to practice.

    She stared at him incredulously for a moment longer before shaking her head and turning back to Theo. He was brushing himself down and looking apprehensively through the tunnel into the distance. “That was a big one,” he muttered.

    “You think?” spat Carrie, kicking a few loose stones out of her path and moving away from the wall. “The other two were tiny compared to that.”

    Theo turned back to her. “They’re getting bigger?” He paused. “I think that’s a good thing.”

    She gave him the incredulous look she’d been using on Velotus only a moment ago. “How on earth is that a good thing?”

    “It means we’re getting closer to the way out.”

    Carrie stared. “How?”

    “Northern Canyon hardly ever gets natural earthquakes or rockslides,” Theo said. “This is probably a Pokémon’s doing. And with that Aggron sealing us in, well, I thought…” He looked away, leaving his sentence hanging.

    “They’re trying to kill us,” Carrie said hollowly. The realisation of this simple fact made their entire situation seem hopelessly bleak.

    Theo nodded slowly. “But the bigger the earthquakes get, the closer we are to the Pokémon responsible. It should be somewhere near the exit.”

    Should be, thought Carrie bitterly. Well, that’s reassuring.

    Clearly not wanting to hang around for too long, Theo mumbled a brief “C’mon” and continued down the tunnels.

    * * *

    Her world shattered, and suddenly the cold was back. The substance encasing her exploded painfully into fragments, scattering across the forest floor. She looked down, shivering – the shards weren’t just white; some were black, some yellow – and then she moved her gaze upwards and found herself staring into the eyes of the Sceptile.

    He was hesitating, peering at her as though her appearance had surprised him. She tried to run while he stood there motionless, but she knew before she had begun that she couldn’t. The cold had numbed her body too far. She needed to regain her warmth; she needed more time.

    Time was the one thing she instantly ran out of as the Sceptile darted at her, tackling her to the ground and pinning her down. “Breaking your ball should have killed you,” he hissed. One long, sharp blade hovered above her throat as a grin slid into place on the creature’s face. “But no matter. I can do that myself.”

    As terror flitted around inside her, an unbidden memory rose to the front of her mind.

    Keep Them talking.

    The creature from the past had once been told by her elders what to do if They ever tracked her down. If They find you, keep Them talking. They don’t all fall for it, but it might just keep you alive.

    Unable to move underneath the Sceptile’s weight and the cold that pressed down on her, she searched for something, anything, no matter how small, to keep her killer distracted and hold death at bay.

    “Wh-what’s that s-sound?” she said through chattering teeth. For there was a sound: an odd, rumbling, snorting kind of noise coming through the forest from a distance.

    The Sceptile smirked. “It’s only my human. Good thing he’s a heavy sleeper, isn’t it?”

    “Hu… man?” The word was new to her and made no sense, like so many other things she’d seen and heard. She put it out of her mind and focused on survival; he was only trying to confuse her, to distract her from escape. But his weight on top of her was bringing back her warmth, and he seemed in no hurry to kill her, almost as if he wanted to savour her fear. If she waited, feigned helplessness for one more moment…

    “I also have him to thank for only bringing five Pokémon today, so that you –”

    Ignoring his words, she caught him off guard by slashing madly at his flank with her own blades – he wasn’t the only creature with weapons on his arms. He roared and reared up in pain, just enough for her to force her glowing wing leaves under his scythe and thrust upwards.

    With a snarl of fury, the Sceptile began pushing against her blade, holding down her left arm with his right so it couldn’t join the struggle. He was heavier and no doubt more powerful than her, but fear and desperation lent her strength enough to force him slowly upwards, bit by bit. In a last fervent effort, she pulled the glowing energy out of all but the topmost of her leaves and channelled it instead into one massive push that shoved the Sceptile off her.

    He staggered backwards onto the patch of ground which still held the chunks of white substance that were oozing water into the soil. His clawed foot caught on one of the pieces and slipped, sending him falling backwards onto his own spiked tail.

    By the time his roar of pain and fury had subsided, she was on her feet and running with all her speed through the open forest. His kind was as fast as hers, but she had one thing he did not: flight. She unfurled her wings, spreading them wide to catch the air that rushed past, beating them slowly as she felt herself begin to rise off the ground.

    She held in the cry of ecstatic freedom that wanted to escape from her as she cleared the canopy and emerged into the night sky. On the ground, the forest was a world of terror and promises of death, but up here nothing could reach her.

    The feeling of exhilaration came to her twofold as she flew on the night breeze, while memories of her past self doing the same soared through her mind.

    * * *

    It was easy to lose all sense of time in the endless tunnels. Carrie had no idea how long they had been creeping around, but she didn’t think she wanted to know either; the thought that they could have been going for hours on end without finding a way out wasn’t comforting. She was beginning to wonder if they’d ever escape at all.

    It didn’t help Carrie’s dwindling optimism that, to her at least, one part of the cave looked much like another, giving the uncomfortable feeling that they were already lost and merely going around in circles. Kabutops was still acting as their guide, but even he seemed to be faltering, pausing for longer and longer at each fork in the path before deciding which way to turn. There hadn’t been another earthquake for a while, so they had no idea whether or not they were on the right track. Either they’d strayed so deep into the tunnels that the tremors were too far off to be felt, or the one trying to kill them had given up. For now.

    Carrie couldn’t help thinking that it wouldn’t stay that way forever.

    She watched the dull yellow light dancing over the walls of the cave and wished Theo would do a better job at keeping his torch still as he brought up the rear, letting the torchlight illuminate the way for everybody else. Carrie’s mind had long since started playing tricks on her out of anxiety and lack of sleep; with the way the shadows flickered about, it was all too easy to see the rocks as moving, to imagine them giving way, taking the ceiling with them.

    She kept her mind busy by keeping a wary eye on the rock formations overhead, deliberately hugging the walls underneath any that looked unstable. It almost felt childish, like the games involving not stepping on cracks in the pavement, but right at that point Carrie really didn’t care.

    There was another one of the unstable patches not far ahead, just before another fork in the path. The roof seemed to contain so many stalactites that it could barely hold them all; it was practically bulging downwards, and – though it might just have been the torchlight – looked like cracks were beginning to form in it. Carrie could imagine it crashing down at the slightest tremor.

    Peering closely at the junction ahead of them, Kabutops came to a halt directly under the sagging stalactites.

    Carrie twitched and stared fixedly at him, tense with the knowledge that he was standing in a place that should absolutely not be stood in. She very nearly spoke up about it, but that would have made her sound paranoid. Theo was meant to be the paranoid one, wasn’t he?

    No, don’t stand there, move already…

    All at once, the fossil Pokémon snapped alert and uttered a sharp “Kabu!”; but before anyone could interpret this as a warning, a massive tremor shook the cavern. Carrie watched in horror as the ceiling above Kabutops simply gave way like it had never been solid and collapsed on top of him, burying him in rubble with only a single scythe left showing.

    “Kabutops!” Theo cried in anguish. While Carrie and her Pokémon instantly flattened themselves against the tunnel wall in a desperate attempt to escape the rock fall, Theo dashed recklessly past them, Poké Ball in hand. Carrie’s eyes remained fixed in horror on the tumbling boulders; a brief red flash in the corner of her vision was all she saw of Kabutops being recalled.

    Moments later there was a yelp followed by a thump much softer than the hard clacking of rocks on rocks. The dull yellowness lighting the cavern jerked violently as the torch clattered to the floor.

    Through her whirling mind and the cascading rubble, Carrie realised what had happened: Theo had been hit, and judging by the way he wasn’t getting up, knocked out as well. Still frozen to the wall, terrified to move should the same happen to her, she could only hope that no larger rocks would strike him and finish the job.

    She needn’t have worried; as if satisfied with taking out Theo, the tremors were subsiding, soon reducing any falling debris to a mere trickle of dust. Carrie remained shaking even as the cavern stopped, taking a few careful steps away from the wall like she expected the ground to collapse, too.

    “Theo?” she asked tentatively.

    No response.

    “Theo?” she tried again, panic beginning to creep unbidden into her voice.

    He still didn’t move.

    She should have said something about the roof above Kabutops.

    Foliano slowly walked up to Theo’s prone form and peered at him closely. “Unconscious,” he said after a pause. “But he’s breathing, at least.

    The second part filled Carrie with more relief than she’d been expecting as she bent down next to Theo to pick up his fallen torch. Lying on the other side of him was Kabutops’ Poké Ball. After a moment of consideration, she picked this up too and released its occupant.

    With a flash of white light, Kabutops appeared, sprawled over the pile of rubble he had been trapped underneath only a minute earlier. Taking in his badly battered form, Carrie recalled that despite their tough skin, Rock-types didn’t actually resist their own element; he was hurt just as much as any other Pokémon would have been in his place. It was no surprise that he could barely manage to push himself upright with shuddering, awkwardly positioned scythes.

    Kabutops seemed to suddenly notice his fallen trainer; his eyes widened and he redoubled his efforts to get up, giving an anguished grunt of exertion that sounded like the scraping of gravel. Then his eyes glazed over and he gave up, slumping back onto the pile of rocks in defeat.

    Carrie really should have said something.

    Velotus walked up and poked him but got no response. “Well, he’s fainted too,” he said, almost as though he blamed Kabutops for doing so.

    Can’t you revive him?” asked Foliano worriedly.

    “I… um…” It took a moment for Carrie’s mind to compose itself into something capable of coherent thought. Once it had, she almost felt like slapping it. “I don’t have any Revives. Neither does Theo.”

    Why not?” asked Velotus.

    “We… didn’t think we’d need them,” Carrie mumbled, not even managing to convince herself. In hindsight, stocking up to the ears with Hyper Potions back in Verdanturf but assuming they wouldn’t be attacked badly enough to need any Revives had been a pretty stupid thing to do.

    But then again, Theo had done the buying; she could blame it on him. Carrie opened her mouth, realised he wouldn’t be able to hear any comment she made at him and closed it again. She looked down at his unconscious form and told herself she’d bring it up later. When he woke up. Which would be soon, despite the fact that Carrie had practically no medical knowledge and didn’t have a clue how long he might be out for.

    Sighing, she recalled Kabutops, muttering that he wasn’t going to be of any help to them like this. Carrie stared at his ball for a few seconds before dropping it slowly into one of her own pockets. She could give it back to Theo later. Once they were out of this. If they ever got out at all…

    A hard poke from Velotus told Carrie she was beginning to space out. She forced her mind back into co-operation and took in the sight of her three Grovyle and Empathy standing around her and Theo’s unconscious body.

    They were looking anxiously at her. Looking as though they expected her to find a way out of this.

    What do we do now?” said Foliano, voicing the one question on everybody’s minds.

    Carrie hadn’t a clue.

    The junction ahead of them offered two choices of path – but how on earth was she supposed to know which was the right one? Were either of them? If they took a path that led deeper into the complex of tunnels, they’d be reduced to wandering endlessly through the cave, never knowing if they were getting anywhere, living in constant fear of imminent death from more rock falls. The light would fade and they would be left in darkness, for the torch’s batteries and her Pokémon’s energy would not last forever. Carrie couldn’t bring herself to make that choice. It could doom them all.

    Were Theo conscious, she could pass that task onto him; he was quite comfortable in caves, unlike her. He’d managed to stay fairly calm, whereas Carrie had felt herself slowly degenerating into a nervous wreck and had used her snappy comments at him as an outlet for her growing agitation. If she was honest, the amount of time she’d been creeping around dark tunnels under constant threat of being buried alive had completely freaked her out, and the only thing keeping her going had been the thought of escape.

    With Kabutops and Theo unconscious, that candle of hope had been snuffed out. She was useless on her own.

    The truth, she realised, was that she had depended on Theo right from the start of this whole Archopy business. Even though he’d got the location wrong, he was the one who’d provided them with somewhere to aim towards in the first place. He was the one who knew his stuff when it came to crossing deserts, not her. Heck, without him, she wouldn’t ever have known a thing about Archopy. It was all Theo.

    Carrie knew she might have pretended to be the one in charge; she might have acted like the leader of the group. But in truth, it had been her tagging along, not Theo. He could just as easily have done this alone. She thought back to when he had left her the previous day, only coming back for Archopy’s sake, and realised just how little he needed her.

    Her Pokémon were still staring at her, attempting to speak to her with words her mind was far too busy to translate. She was seeing the man at her feet in a completely new light. How many snide comments had he put up with from her? How many times had she acted selfishly at his expense? How patient must Theo have been to not just get rid of her and go it alone?

    A small part of Carrie found it ironic that she was suddenly realising all this when she was probably going to die soon anyway.

    She gave his body another nudge in the hope he’d be stirring by now, but it was again in vain. “Theo?” she said, shocking herself with how frightened her voice sounded. “Seriously, Theo, wake up.”

    Without her realising, Foliano had come to stand by Carrie’s side. He put his claws on her arm and said firmly, “We’re going to have to do without him.

    Carrie turned to him, his face lit by the torchlight – light which looked to be even dimmer than before. “How?” she asked simply.

    Foliano couldn’t answer. Either he didn’t know, or he had been shocked into silence by the look in his trainer’s eyes.

    “What do you expect me to do?” she said, speaking to all four Pokémon that stood expectantly around her. “I can’t do this. Theo can, but I can’t. I can’t lead you boldly around some dark and dingy cave like he can. I don’t have a bloody clue which is the way out. I’m pissed off ‘cause Archopy’s not here, I’m tired because I hardly got any sleep, and I’m scared.” Carrie stared around at the shocked faces of her Pokémon. “Yeah. That’s why I’m being so pissy right now. I’m scared. We’re going to die here, and there’s nothing I can do about it because unless Theo wakes up, we’re screwed.”

    As soon as she’d finished, she quickly averted her gaze towards the opposite tunnel wall, unable to meet her Pokémon’s eyes. Carrie knew she was letting them down – that they were probably going to die because of her – but she just couldn’t muster the courage to do anything about it. After so long spent in these caves, filled with constant anxiety and fear, she just didn’t have enough strength to go on.

    She could feel tears beginning to prick at her eyes and stubbornly forced them back. Crying was not like her. Her Pokémon might be seeing her in complete and utter despair, but at the very least, she did not want them to see her cry.

    All thoughts of this were violently shoved aside as Velotus dug his claws into her arm. Hard.

    “Ow!” she squawked, staring at him. “What did you do that for?”

    Look,” said Velotus, gripping her tightly. “You might want to die here, but I don’t. I still want to see Archopy.” He pointed sharply at Foliano, Ivyx and Empathy. “And I doubt they want to die either. So we’re getting out of here. Either you get up and come along with us, or we’ll just have to drag you like we’re going to drag him,” he finished, indicating Theo. Without further ado, he yanked on his trainer’s arm, pulling Carrie to her feet as forcefully as a creature half her size could manage.

    If it helps, I’m scared, too,” Ivyx put in, going for a softer tack than Velotus. “But I want to get out of here, and you should as well.

    Foliano nodded and came to stand by his trainer, looking up at her. “It’s not just us. Think of Raptola,” he said.

    Empathy added his bit by stepping forward and giving Carrie what felt like a smack in the brain. She reeled briefly, but could soon feel just a hint of confidence trickle back to her – almost certainly the Espeon’s doing. And she realised that, lack of strength or not, she really didn’t have any say in the matter.

    Empathy cut short her feeble complaints of still not knowing which path to take by walking right up to the fork in the tunnel and closing his eyes, his furry whiskers twitching. “Air currents,” mumbled Carrie, nodding. “Right. That makes sense.” Her Espeon might not have been as familiar with caves as Kabutops, but it was possible he would be able to sense a slight breeze coming from the outside. Or something. Carrie didn’t exactly hold too much conviction that his choice would definitely lead them out, but it was at least better than a random guess.

    “Esp,” the feline said eventually, and he flicked his head to the left. Carrie grunted in vague acknowledgement and turned to Theo, quickly realising that she would have a hard time carrying him with a torch in one hand.

    She looked at Velotus and said, “Lights.” He lit up his leaves without complaint, apparently satisfied at how his trainer was at least attempting to take the lead.

    Carrie flicked the torch off and dropped it into her bag – something else she’d have to remember to give back to Theo later – before stooping down to pick up both of Theo’s arms. He barely moved when she tugged on them.

    She sighed. “Foli, Ivyx, grab his legs.”

    The two Grovyle did so, hoisting Theo’s feet above their shoulders so that they were a decent way off the ground. Along with Carrie lifting his arms and pulling, they managed to make slow progress across the cavern floor towards the leftmost tunnel, Velotus lighting the way.

    Dragging Theo through the cave wasn’t easy. Even with Foliano and Ivyx’s help, he was a heavy man, and it took all the effort Carrie could muster to keep hauling him across the uneven floor. Every now and then she looked back at her Pokémon to see that they were just as strained as she was; physical strength wasn’t the Grovyle species’ forte, and even the bulky Foliano was finding it a struggle.

    More than once, Carrie was tempted to leave Theo behind – he was now a burden rather than a help – but her newfound respect for the man kept her dragging him along despite feeling sure she was about to collapse from the strain. She knew there was no way she could keep this up until they got out of the cave. Empathy might have been seeming more and more confident with each path he chose, but the tunnels in between were just so long. Only the fact that her Pokémon wouldn’t let her was stopping Carrie from slumping to the ground and giving up all over again.

    She was beginning to feel faint from exhaustion – looking behind her, Ivyx was the same – when Empathy suddenly stopped.

    “Espeon!” he muttered sharply.

    Velotus shot him a confused look and extinguished his blades. Carrie started in horror and almost dropped Theo – what was he doing? Now was not the time! – before her eyes adjusted, and she realised that she could still see.

    It wasn’t anywhere near as bright as Velotus’ Leaf Blades had been, but it seemed like the walls of the cave were being bathed in a faint orangey glow. Through Carrie’s exhaustion, it took her a moment to work out what it was: fire. And she didn’t think wild Fire-types would be likely to live in these caves, which meant one thing.

    The way out.

    Velotus had realised it at the same moment she had, and without a full-grown man to drag along with him, he instantly leapt up and dashed towards the source of the light, Empathy following slightly more cautiously in his wake. Gritting her teeth and thinking only of freedom, Carrie started hauling Theo across the final stretch of tunnel. Until she tasted fresh air again, nothing else mattered.

    Before long, Velotus and Empathy were darting back towards her. For one horrible moment Carrie thought they hadn’t found an exit after all, but then Velotus spoke.

    There’s a man and a Pokémon out there,” he said. “Empathy said I shouldn’t attack them –

    “Esp,” muttered the Psychic-type, almost rolling his eyes at the Grovyle.

    – until you lot get out.” Velotus looked expectantly at his trainer, and Carrie could practically imagine the words “So could you hurry up, please?” being added onto the end.

    She didn’t have the strength to reply, so she just grunted and tried to concentrate on hauling Theo the last few painfully long metres towards the exit. Velotus’ words had allowed worry to seep back in – what if the man realised their presence before they were out of the tunnel? What if the Pokémon was the one that had been causing the earthquakes? It couldn’t end here, not when she was so close…

    Outside, the source of the light – a campfire – was coming into sight a short way away from the cave. Beside it stood two bipedal figures, one bulkier than the other. They still hadn’t noticed anything, but it was only a matter of time.

    A blue glow manifested itself behind Carrie, making Theo’s body so unexpectedly light that she practically stumbled out of the cave and into the open air. Sparing just enough effort to make sure he was safely away from the exit, she all but collapsed onto the mossy forest floor, mumbling “Thanks, Empathy,” with the last of her breath. Lacking the energy for anything else, she spent a moment simply gazing at the dark night sky through the even darker canopy of trees, breathing in the fresh forest air, savouring being free.

    An intense green-white light followed by an angry, rumbled roar jarred Carrie rudely back into the present. She forced herself to sit up and took in the sight of Velotus scything his blades into the rocky hide of a Rhydon that jabbed its swirling horn unsuccessfully at the nimble reptile. The Pokémon’s trainer, presumably a Bad Light member, was barking orders to his Rhydon while digging into his pockets for more Poké Balls.

    Carrie slumped back onto the ground and sighed heavily.

    Foliano and Ivyx were lying next to her, both as worn out as she was, completely unable to battle. Theo was still out cold, so his Pokémon wouldn’t be any help. With Crescent missing and Raptola scared stiff of Bad Light members – at least, Carrie assumed he was and wasn’t about to test it – that left Velotus and Empathy. Two Pokémon to fight against what would probably be six opponents.

    Lying exhausted on the ground, Carrie knew there was no way she would be able to run, even without carrying Theo. Never mind run; she didn’t even have the energy to command her Pokémon. She might have escaped the cave, but now Carrie found herself wanting to give up all over again.

    A sweet melody floated through her tired mind, telling her to sleep, to rest it off, that when she woke up it would all be better. She very nearly obeyed it there and then, but a tiny part of her was alert enough to wonder where this song had suddenly come from. With what felt like enormous effort, she lifted her head again to look around and saw through drooping eyelids that everyone was being affected: Velotus was swinging his blades far more heavily than normal; the Rhydon was stumbling on its usually sturdy feet; Pokémon she was too sleepy to recognise yawned as they emerged from their balls.

    The song grew louder as a shape drifted through the trees towards where Carrie lay. A sleek blue body shrouded in puffy white clouds as soft as the tune filling her ears floated overhead.

    Carrie smiled slightly and flopped back onto the forest floor, gladly allowing her eyes to close. The Altaria’s Sing would send everyone to sleep, and everything would be fine for now.

    A brief thought flitted across her mind just before she succumbed to the fluffy, pillow-like drowsiness.

    She knew that Altaria.

    Dad…

    * * *

    The sky was just beginning to turn lighter. She had been flying above the forest for what felt like an age, but a long time spent airborne was far safer than a short time on the ground. Now, however, her wings could take it no longer; she needed to land. Her kind may have had the ability of flight, but they were not masters of it and could not keep it up forever. She had taken refuge in several forested areas on the way here, and now she did the same, gliding downwards and latching onto an outreaching branch in the canopy. She shook her wing leaves down and folded them, allowing her tired arms to rest.

    But she knew she couldn’t stay here for long. The trees of this forest cast out their branches widely and sparsely; she would not be well-hidden amongst the foliage. Any creature looking for her – and she felt sure the Sceptile would be – would be easily able to spot her, even more so as daytime crept closer. She needed a hiding place within the dense undergrowth on the forest floor – somewhere that she would never be found, for while she loved flight, she didn’t savour the thought of having to flee into the sky every time her pursuer came near.

    Spreading her wings again one last time, she hopped from the high tree branch and glided softly and silently towards the ground. The dead leaves covering it rustled as her feet touched down, and she froze, wondering whether she had been heard.

    After a moment had passed to reassure her she was alone, she folded her wings and crept as carefully as she could through the thick masses of shrubs and foliage, keeping an eye out for any potential cover. The sounds of the forest flitted through her mind: the far off chirruping of insects, the echo of the breeze playing with the trees. Dawn was becoming more and more insistent now; it wouldn’t be long before a fresh set of strange creatures awoke and begun roaming the forest. She had to find somewhere safe before then.

    Ahead of her was a clump of thick grass, almost like a mound. It didn’t look to be big enough to hide her entire body, but at a second glance she noticed a kind of hole in its side that she thought could fit through if she made herself small. Did it lead underground, perhaps?

    She didn’t like the thought of spending her days underneath the forest – she preferred height, not depth – and neither was it a comforting idea that this could be a ground-dwelling creature’s home, but she decided to look inside regardless. The darkness was lifting, exposing her, and fear was beginning to claw its way back into her mind. Any safety was better than nothing at all.

    Crouching, she crept forward on all fours and into the hole. The grass was soft and gave way slightly as she pushed her way through, giving her just enough room. Keeping her eyes closed out of instinct from the tickling on her face, she kicked with her back legs, causing some of the grass behind her to fall and help hide the entrance.

    Despite the fact that she hadn’t felt any downwards slope so far, there still seemed to be space to move forwards a little more. She did so and opened her eyes.

    She almost wanted to close them again; the sight before her didn’t make any sense. The clump of grass she had just crawled into was barely big enough to contain her, yet here in front of her was a spacious expanse of smooth brown soil, surrounded by a natural barrier of shrubs and leaves and all manner of undergrowth. Glancing up, she could see that the space above her was also covered by a similar weaving mass of plants.

    She looked around curiously, taking it in. It was simply impossible that a space like this could fit inside a heap of grass as small as the one she had crawled into. But there she was, and she knew she there would be no answer to this mystery just as there were no answers to any of the other mysteries around her.

    Whether it made any sense or not, she realised that she had happened upon the best refuge spot she could have found. No creature outside would know that such a large space lay within such a small mound. Even the Sceptile would be fooled – or so she hoped, at least.

    As she looked around her hiding place again, something caught her eye in the far corner, and she crept towards it for a closer look.

    What she saw made her freeze in horror.

    It was a member of the youngest form of her kind, and it was dead.

    It was sitting atop an unnatural, straight-sided structure made out of a dead tree – a tree that had been killed, taken down and made into square shapes, just like the boxes she had flown over throughout the day. Had the square-dwellers murdered the young one, too?

    Shivering with disgust and fear, she forced herself to creep forward and inspect it closer. Perhaps she could find out how it had died – perhaps it would give her some answers about this strange world.

    Upon coming even closer, she found herself horrified all over again. The creature wasn’t dead at all. It had never been alive in the first place.

    It resembled one of the young ones in almost every way: the same light green body, the same red belly, the same thick, dark, curled tail. But something about it was wrong. It was as though something had tried to create a creature like her kind’s young and had made a mistake. The skin was more furry than smooth, the limbs weren’t quite the right size, and its eyes, rather than being round and bright like the ones she knew from the memories, were flat and dull. Not only did they hold no life, she felt sure that they had never held any life.

    She stared at the disturbing monster, unable to move her gaze out of sheer revulsion. In the silence of the impossible space, the fake creature’s not-quite-dead eyes gazed emptily back at her.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 15th April 2012 at 11:47 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  21. #246
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    That was amusing.

    The part at the end where Archopy stumbles into that Secret Base was so well done, it really proves just how much Archopy doesn't understand where she is. Especially at the end with the Treecko doll.

    Her escape from the trainer was brilliant. Very clever, that dumb Sceptile breaking the Ultra Ball. Something tells me that Sceptile will be in a lot of trouble...
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  22. #247
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    I really liked Carrie's momentary panic when the lights went out both times. It felt like a realistic reaction, and despite the technical pointlessness of the first time, it was a nice touch to have it there (especially to build up to the second time).

    “I… um…” It took a moment for Carrie’s mind to compose itself into something capable of coherent thought.

    Once it had, she almost felt like slapping it. “I don’t have any Revives. Neither does Theo.”
    Having this paragraph break here seems kind of odd to me; I think it would work better as one paragraph.

    Nice moment for Carrie to realize the way she's treated Theo. It would have been too abrupt if it had been prompted by anything less. I also like how Velotus is the first to speak up and snap her out of her despair.

    “ – until you lot get out.”
    I love the choice of words here. Very Velotusy. :3

    A brief thought flitted across her mind just before she succumbed to the fluffy, pillow-like drowsiness.

    She knew that Altaria.

    Dad…
    Ahaha, awesome. <3 I've been wondering if her dad would ever be brought up again.

    The trees of this forest cast out their branched widely and sparsely
    Typo - this should, of course, be "branches".

    Hee, Archopy found a secret base. XD With a Treecko doll. Good God, plushies are creepy when you describe them like that.

    I couldn't feel quite right about the end of this chapter - can't shake off the feeling that the end of Carrie's scene would be a more fitting chapter ending than this one, which, while a cliffhanger in Archopy's mind, is not particularly exciting to us who know that dolls are harmless. But I really enjoyed the actual content of the chapter, Carrie's appreciation for Theo and the general idea of Archopy stumbling into a secret base and being freaked out by a doll.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  23. #248
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    I've finally done it. After a year and constant nagging, I've finally caught up on LE. I must say that it was thoroughly enjoyable.

    My favourite characters in no particular order:

    Velotus. I love his stubbornness, coldness, and battle-loving...ness. I hope that doesn't come off as egotistical given a certain Treecko. xD Despite the flaws that "you" pointed out, he's still easily my favourite character.
    Kabutops. I'm not sure what it is that I like about him so much, but I find him awesome. Maybe it's the way he acts with Foliano and Theo, but yes, he's pretty awesome.
    Lastly, Skarmory. His insecurity and misanthropy is really pretty endearing. He's a great character and I hope we see more of him in the future.

    I've already told you that I think the description is envy-inducingly fantastic, especially with the environment. Apparently, I also have the intellect of an Archopy since I didn't realize that the secret base was a secret base and that the Treecko doll was a Treecko doll. Go me! *blushes in embarrassment* xP

    Let's see, I think my favourite part was in the cave and a little before that. And "woo!" Carrie got some much needed character development in the second last chapter, I think. My other favourite parts were the Skarmory scenes, I'd say, along with any others where characters are particularly introspective. On that note, Theo and Foliano are runners up for my favourite characters.

    I think the greatest victory for me today was that no food got cold while I was reading it... well, a pretzel did, but it got cold while I was eating the other pretzel, so I can't blame the story this time. xD

    And good news, you won't have to wait a year for me to review Chapter 24. =3

    Edit: I also account LE with causing my left eye to burn from reading this for so bloody long. xD
    Last edited by Griff4815; 23rd December 2008 at 6:51 PM.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013

  24. #249
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    storymasterb - Thanks for reading. Again, I'm really pleased with how I got across Archopy's confusion.

    Dragonfree - Thanks; I've merged those lines and fixed up that typo.

    About the chapter end issue, you do have a good point, and actually there's not any particular reason for it to go Carrie-Archopy-Carrie-Archopy instead of Archopy-Carrie-Archopy-Carrie. Now that I think about it, the chapter might work a lot better the latter way around; Archopy's escape happening first would give the "lolwut Archopy" beginning to Carrie's scene even more of a lolwut, and going straight from Archopy's freaked-out-ness over the doll into Carrie's freaked-out-ness in the tunnels would also be nice. I'm considering shifting around the entire structure of the chapter even though it's already been posted - do you think I should do that?

    Apart from that, I'm glad you liked Carrie's panic and the realisation about Theo (it felt really good to finally give her a slap in the face over that), and also that you found the doll part creepy, as that's definitely what I was aiming for when I wrote it. I also like how you're still fangirling over Velotus, as it's incredibly encouraging to know that I've written a character that can be liked so much. x3

    Griff4815 - Woohoo for my nagging finally paying off!

    So... more yays for Velotus being fanboyed over liked (don't worry about the egotisticalness of relating him to Treecko, by the way - it just shows that you like to write what you like to read). And well done you for making me want to give Kabutops more screentime in Chapter 25 (not that I definitely will, but I'm considering it). Again, I'm happy at how welcome Carrie's slap in the face was. I'm also pleased to hear you like the introspective scenes, as those are probably the most fun to write.

    ...damn, if this fic makes your eye burn, it must be horrible, mustn't it? xD;


    This will probably be my last post here for a few days, so I'll just take this opportunity to wish a Merry Christmas or a Happy Whatever-It-Is-You-Might-Celebrate to everyone who reads the fic. =D
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  25. #250
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    Hello elyvorg. It appears to have been a long time since I’ve done one of these. In face, the second time I’ve properly analysed your Lost Evolution. :3
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Something clicked in Carrie’s mind. “Hang on – rockslide?”

    As if in answer, the cavern rumbled and shook, further pieces of stone crumbling away from the crinkled walls and tumbling towards the ground.
    This is slightly too coincidental for my liking. I do like the description. The word crinkled implies that the cavern is very old because of well, wrinkly old people. :x
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “Thanks for that,” Carrie hissed.
    Carrie’s hissing could be interpreted as Grovyle-like behavior as many reptiles hiss when under threat or pressure.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Carrie snorted. “Being lost inside a massive maze of caves is a safe spot to you, is it?”
    Carrie’s initial snorting shows how much more important she thinks she is when compared to Theo; she considers herself to be the expert on Grovyle/Archopy and therefore feels that she has an “excuse” to conflict with Theo.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “What?” she said, stumbling to regain her balance.
    Google definitions: “To miss one's step in walking or running; trip and almost fall.”
    Stumbling to regain balance doesn’t make sense as stumbling is LOSING your balance.
    This is a bit of a “paradoxymoron” in my opinion.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “I’m not completely sure, because I never got a chance to explore much last time – too busy with Archopy –”
    Theo x Archopy shipping. Oh, the innuendo.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “And what makes you think Bad Light Wolf won’t know about it, too? Can’t be too hard to guard it if there’s only one.”
    Fixed. :x
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    She flinched from the sudden loss of light,
    This shows how emotionally fragile she is at present. It’s implied that she’s immensely scared despite her “tough-girl” act over the top.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    They continued in silence down the tunnel with nothing to occupy them other than picking their way around the occasional fallen rock.
    If there is only the occasional fallen rock then the rock slide was most likely caused by another entity?
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    He shook his head dismissively. “It’s nothing,” he said.

    “You were trying to dodge the rocks,” Foliano pointed out.

    Velotus shot Ivyx an accusing glance. “Harder to do when the light cuts out.”
    I love the way their personalities bounce off of each other. xD
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Theo nodded slowly. “But the bigger the earthquakes get, the closer we are to the Pok&#233;mon responsible. It should be somewhere near the exit.”
    Well this predicts a battle between Carrie, Theo and Bad Light.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    The Sceptile smirked. “It’s only my human. Good thing he’s a heavy sleeper, isn’t it?”
    Is it just me or is every human except Carrie a heavy sleeper?
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Carrie had no idea how long they had been creeping around,
    The way that they’re creeping in a maze of tunnels could convey the idea that Carrie and Theo are like bugs, particularly ants, crawling through tunnels. This shows that however strong they are, to Bad Light they are nothing but insignificant insects.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Moments later there was a yelp followed by a thump much softer than the hard clacking of rocks on rocks. The dull yellowness lighting the cavern jerked violently as the torch clattered to the floor.
    The word yelp implies that Theo was completely caught off guard by the tumbling rocks.
    He was crushed like an “ant”.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “Unconscious,” he said after a pause. “But he’s breathing, at least.”
    Dr. Foliano gives us a quick state-the-obvious diagnosis of Theo’s current condition.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “We… didn’t think we’d need them,” Carrie mumbled, not even managing to convince herself. In hindsight, stocking up to the ears with Hyper Potions back in Verdanturf but assuming they wouldn’t be attacked badly enough to need any Revives had been a pretty stupid thing to do.
    Dr. Carrie was a bit stupid not to buy any medicine. Every doctor needs medicine whether it is a Max Revive or a Screwdriver!
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Carrie hadn’t a clue.
    This goes back to Carrie and Theo having a father-daughter relationship with Theo acting as the decision-making dad. At the moment, Carrie is just a helpless girl.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    Heck, without him, she wouldn’t ever have known a thing about Archopy. It was all Theo.
    The truth comes out.
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    “Esp,” the feline said eventually, and he flicked his head to the left.
    Nice usage of the fact that an Espeon is sensitive to air currents. Espeon to the rescue!
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    She knew that Altaria.

    Dad…
    Well I don’t really have much to say. *Snerk* I named her dad. :<
    Quote Originally Posted by ”elyvorg”
    She stared at the disturbing monster, unable to move her gaze out of sheer revulsion. In the silence of the impossible space, the fake creature’s not-quite-dead eyes gazed emptily back at her.
    Hazarding a guess that she’s found her way into a secret base and found a Treecko plushie?

    Overall… Uh, well; you know how I feel about your fic elyvorg! Very gripping chapter, however the Archopy scenes were nothing out of the ordinary unfortunately. :<
    People with sigs turned off smell!

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