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Thread: Lost Evolution

  1. #101
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    Alright… here are your reviews! Sorry if they seem a bit short.

    Chap. 7- The rival thing is sort of viewed as a cliché, but it’s still nicely done here. Plus you remembered that not even You-know-whats are naturally evil- or are they? (I know that if I was raising one, it wouldn’t be.)
    Theo’s other Pokemon are awesome…but I feel so sad about what happened to his Anorith. It’s just horrible…

    Chap. 8- HP Fire most definitely suits Velotus, especially when he’s out for revenge. Unfortunately, he was still practically massacred by that you-know-what. And poor Carrie is still having nightmares about the lab incident. It makes me worried that….
        Spoiler:- scary:

    Favorite line from this chapter:
    “Oh, you’re one of those beauty-obsessed, anti-evolution freaks,” the Sceptile said, eyes widening in mock understanding. “Bunch o’ hippies, they were.”
    I just find the “bunch o’ hippies” part hilarious for some reason, and it does a great job of conveying the You-know-what’s personality.

    Chap 9- Filler-like is right- this chapter was surprisingly short, both literally and in content. At least we know Velotus is okay….

    Dangit, you’re making me almost regret my plans to use a you-know-what on one of my teams.

    Anyway, excellent writing as usual. I’ll have to really revise the rough draft for the fic I’ll (possibly) do if I even want to come close to this in quality.
    Author's Profile

    Want your fic reviewed? Send me a PM asking! I'll see if I can make time.

    (Keep in mind I'm not usually partial to really dark fics, so I may take longer to get to those.)

  2. #102
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    Yeah, my hiatus from this forum is over- from now on it'll be a "possible semi-hiatus" since my parents don't like internet.

    Maybe it's because it's 2:15 in the morning, or maybe it's because there aren't any (in which case I need to commend you), but I couldn't spot any grammar mistakes this round.

    Yeah, there is that tang of "fillerness" here, but as faster reviewers have pointed out, the emotions of Carrie were a definite highlight, seeing how she reacted to Velotus' sad shape as he returned defeated from the battle. Same with Velotus himself; the pain from his wounds are NOTHING compared to his emotional wounds, having his pride hurt much more than his body...

    He was in a terrible state. Huge bruises and scratches tarnished his smooth body, many of his leaves were nicked or bent, and a long, straight mark stood out in the middle of his forehead. More painful to observe was the way this creature who usually shot between trees at unmatched speeds had been reduced to such exhaustion that he could barely crawl. And the look in his eyes was so unlike the Velotus she knew that Carrie could only just believe it was him. He had never seemed this utterly defeated, and it shocked her to the core.
    It is not often that I see description AND emotions handled so well with the same passage, but that is exactly what you accomplished here.

    For a filler chapter, it was well done, showing emotions well in addition to setting the scene for the next leg of their travels.

  3. #103
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    Default Chapter 10: Greed

    Whoo, I have reviews.

    InsaneTyranitar - Thanks for the review. To me, Aiden isn't exactly a "rival" as he himself doesn't give a damn about Carrie - to him she's just some girl who has a bunch of Grovyle that she hasn't evolved.

    The thing you mentioned in the spoiler would, to me, be worse than killing a character off. Bear that in mind.

    Was chapter 9 really shorter physically? It was roughly the same length - about 8/9 pages - in Word, so I don't think so. Of course, you're right about it being shorter content-wise.

    DarkPersian479 - Tell me about it; my parents hate the idea of me talking to strangers online so I don't think I'm technically allowed to be on this forum. But oh well. ^0^

    Oh, and welcome back. =D

    Nothing particularly comment-able in your review so I'll just say thanks. ^^;


    So yay, chapter 10. This is the longest chapter yet, being a good few Word-pages larger than any previous ones, but it seems that these slightly longer chapters may become the regular length in future.

    Enough rambling.

    Chapter 10: Greed

    Luminous blades knifed through the air, striking a white-feathered chest. A squawk of surprise and pain escaped the victim’s large yellow beak as its wide eyes glanced fearfully towards the lithe, green assailant. The Taillow hovered in midair for a moment with frantic beats of its navy wings, before retreating in a flurry of red, white and blue feathers. The last thing visible of the Pokémon was a forked tail, flicking up and down to aid its flight as it raced away through the trees.

    Carrie sighed and looked bluntly at Velotus, whose leaves were dimming and reforming their natural shape. This was not the first time he had attacked a wild creature since their setting off, nor was it the first time he had stared into the distance, having overpowered his target, and remained utterly unsatisfied.

    Velotus shook his head rapidly as though clearing his thoughts before continuing through the woods, oblivious to the looks he received from humans and Pokémon alike. Carrie mutely walked after him, hearing movement on either side of her from four of her Pokémon following her lead. She reached to her shoulder and gave Raptola a reassuring stroke as he stirred uncomfortably, watching the older Grovyle ahead.

    The rustling of Theo’s boots in the undergrowth could be heard from behind. It seemed the man had neglected to mention the short stretch of forested ground on their route before it opened up into much barer land. Carrie wasn’t complaining, but she did wish he would stop pretending not to be there, halting and continuing without comment. The breaks had been common, as the forest was thick with wild Pokémon, and Velotus had taken it upon himself to attack everything he saw.

    Carrie caught a glimpse of white, a tiny flash of movement between the trees. She looked at Velotus in the hope that he had not seen, but it was clear that he had. His eyes were fixed ahead; his body was tensing and beginning to power him forwards with swift, purposeful movements.

    This was not the Velotus she had known, the one that had shown so much enthusiasm in the simple joys of battling. This was a creature single-mindedly obsessed with gaining more power.

    Utterly fed up of chasing her Grovyle, Carrie was at least thankful that this time his quarry was in the direction they were headed. Raptola bobbed on her back as she jogged after him, wondering vaguely which Pokémon would be the victim this time, which creature would take one or two hits before fleeing in fear. The slim figure of Crescent raced ahead of her, ready to break up the fight if needed – earlier, Velotus had almost killed a defenceless Cascoon which had been unable to escape.

    The trees seemed to part like curtains as they grew ever sparser towards the forest’s outskirts. Carrie rushed to where Velotus stood in time to see him slashed by a pair of claws on the end of a muscular white arm, leaving a sore mark across the green band on his stomach.

    Without missing a beat, the Grovyle slipped towards his ape-like foe, deftly ducking between its long flailing arms, and delivered an upwards swipe to its wide jaw with his blade. The Vigoroth grunted and countered with a well-aimed punch before leaping about energetically on the spot, its brown-ringed eyes looking more than a little mad.

    Carrie watched Velotus as he bared his teeth and prepared to latch onto the wild monkey. Another slash, this time to the face, knocked him back.

    She knew that the battle had to stop before either combatant was too badly hurt. “Velotus,” she said firmly.

    The Grovyle had begun to glow, but on his trainer’s words the light subsided and he twisted to look at her.

    “Stop this.”

    Velotus’ gaze grew more piercing, yet his cloudy expression was harder to read. “But I need to –

    You don’t.” Foliano approached his fellow Grovyle, his solid features pacifying. “Velotus, whatever it was that hurt you, this isn’t going to help.” Behind him, Ivyx took a step forward as well, though less confidently than her mate.

    Empathy’s lilac paws padded towards Velotus as the cat gazed emphatically into his eyes. “Speon esp espeon,” he purred in a velvety voice. The Grovyle glared back, clearly disagreeing with whatever had been said, but the Espeon did not waver.

    Carrie stepped forwards, Crescent at her side, and looked imploringly at Velotus. Even Raptola’s face was silently begging him to stop. Like a caged creature, his frustrated eyes locked onto his trainer followed by each of her Pokémon in turn. He gave the Vigoroth, which was still dancing wildly on the spot, a final sideways glare before grudgingly withdrawing his glowing blades and walking away towards the edge of the forest.

    Her Pokémon fell back as Carrie led them wordlessly in Velotus’ direction. She glanced back to see Theo spray a half-empty Hyper Potion at the Vigoroth as it loped away, though most of the vapour missed. He shrugged and pocketed the bottle. “At this rate, we’re going to have exhausted our supply before we even reach the desert,” he told her with a sigh.

    Carrie believed that this would have been quite the feat, as Theo had insisted on stocking them up to the ears with potions bought in Verdanturf before heading out. “Don’t they have a Mart near the desert?” she asked.

    “No, just a Pokémon Centre, and a small one at that.” By this time, Theo had caught up and was walking a few paces behind Carrie. The indication that he actually existed made a nice change. “We shouldn’t be too long in the desert, though,” he continued. “It’s quite long and thin in shape – we can cross it quickly then go up the less sandy ground on the other side.” Carrie nodded, barely registering the words.

    The shadow from the canopy above, which had become increasingly sporadic, finally receded altogether. Carrie found herself in wide, rolling foothills with rocks and grass scattered across the ground. A little off to her left and far into the distance stood the tall, imposing Mount Chimney, Hoenn’s dormant volcano. Being in such open space after so long spent in enclosed forests or cities was a breathtaking sensation, and she almost instinctively approached a lone tree, the one familiar thing left in the wilderness.

    Sitting down in the tree’s shade, Carrie watched as Crescent eagerly dashed towards a pale rock a good distance away. He placed himself atop it and stared out at the craggy slope ahead, the mane of fur below his neck rippling in the breeze. She smiled. Mountains were the Absol’s natural habitat; he must have been overjoyed to be somewhere which felt like home once more.

    Theo, too, seemed far more alive than he had been previously. He stood framed by the clear sky, taking in lungfuls of air and gazing around at the impressively vast array of scenery. Carrie detected his aura of belonging with a hint of envy; the best part of the journey for her was over now.

    Her Grovyle were more subdued, unsure where to go in the endless space. Raptola had jumped off his trainer’s back for the time being and was playing idly with a pebble in the ground. The more mature pair stood side by side, surveying their surroundings.

    Where was Velotus? Carrie doubted he would have stayed in the forest to be left behind. She tried to think like him, to work out where he would go in this wilderness. After a moment’s thought, she tilted her head back to gaze directly into the boughs of the tree. A pair of yellow eyes stared back at her. Velotus scowled and leapt down from the branches before scuttling away to sit himself on a rock, much like Crescent had done only without such contention.

    He looks embarrassed,” commented Ivyx.

    “Mmm,” Carrie agreed, frowning. “Do you think that was too much, us crowding round him in the middle of a battle?”

    We had to stop him,” Foliano stated reasonably. “There was no point to it.

    Carrie turned to look at her Grovyle’s calm face. There had been a point to the battles; she did not believe that Foliano wouldn’t have figured it out by now. “D’you really think?” she asked, scrutinising his reaction.

    The Grovyle’s eyes flickered towards his team-mate on the rock, then looked at the ground.

    Satisfied, Carrie gazed out at Velotus. She contemplated his actions for a moment, then turned to look for her Espeon, who was relaxing in a clump of grass a few metres away.

    “What did Empathy tell him?” she asked, addressing Foliano again.

    Not to battle while his mind is in chaos. Fair point, but I can see why he wasn’t pleased.

    Carrie sighed. Just a day ago, the thought of anyone telling Velotus not to battle would have been laughable, not to be taken seriously. But a single rash action, and the consequences had changed him.

    The same could be said for Carrie herself.

    She looked up at the sound of Theo approaching, though his boots made less noise on the barer ground. “We should get going now,” he began. “We’ve wait –”

    He was cut off as Crescent rushed past him in a blur of speed towards his trainer. Behind him, fluttering on tiny wings, was a pearly-white fairylike creature, its tiny eyes fixed on the Absol. Everyone turned to look at it. The sudden attention caused it to halt in its flight, its egg shaped, patterned body hovering in midair as its triply crested head twisted around, confused.

    Crescent’s dark face glared out at the Togetic from underneath his white fur. “Absol,” he breathed, his voice low and resonant.

    He said she wants him,” translated Foliano, shooting his trainer a wary glance.

    “She – what?” Before Carrie could begin to make any sense of things, another flicker of movement caught her eye. A slim green figure – Velotus – was dashing towards the bewildered Togetic from his rock, and she noticed with dread that his blades were primed. “Velotus, don’t!” Carrie ordered, jumping to her feet.

    The Grovyle skidded to a halt metres away from his target and turned his head to look at Carrie, a dangerous glint in his eyes. “This time it’s different. It has a trainer.” With that, he focused on the Togetic once more, leapt, and delivered a sweeping strike to her round body.

    “Trainer?”

    Ignoring the fairy Pokémon’s squeal of pain, Carrie began scouring the horizon for any sign of another human. She soon found it: a figure was running towards them, distant enough to have been out of sight just moments ago. It was a woman, judging by the maroon dress that flapped around her ankles as she ran.

    A high pitched, rhythmic chant of, “To, gi, to, gi,” drew Carrie’s attention back to the battle. The Togetic was flicking her tiny arms from side to side, muttering in deep concentration while Velotus watched apprehensively. With a final “Tic!” the fairy pointed her fingers to the sky and waited. A golden sphere materialised around her small form, translucent yet apparently solid.

    On the ground, Velotus’ right arm crackled with sparks of electrical energy, their yellow glow merging with the green luminosity of his blade. He leapt at his foe and swung his shrouded fist, but the gleaming barrier resisted. Gravity had taken over before he could force his way through, and he landed unsuccessfully below the unharmed Togetic, the electricity fizzling out of existence.

    Undeterred, Velotus prepared for his next move as the sound of footsteps heralded the arrival of the mystery trainer. It seemed that despite her choice of clothing, the woman was a strong runner as she covered the ground with considerable speed, her long, lilac hair rippling just as much as her dress. She came to a halt beside her Pokémon, watching in horror as a cyclone of leaves formed out of nowhere and swirled around the Togetic.

    “Joy? What’s happening?” the woman asked, a sharp yet worried edge to her voice. Her Togetic was squeaking in distress as the foliage battered her body; the leaves had penetrated the protective sphere, unlike Velotus’ previous attack.

    The Grovyle stood directly beneath his foe, in the eye of his own storm, staring up at the fairy. Carrie couldn’t tell through the twirling mass of leaves whether his expression was of his characteristic delight in battle or simply of grim lust for power.

    She was about to command him to stop when the storm subsided of its own accord, the foliage dissipating into nothing. Velotus’ face remained inscrutable as he stepped back to allow himself a better view of the Togetic inside the golden shield.

    The strange woman fixed the Grovyle with a glare of contempt and muttered, “Joy, use Yawn on it.”

    The Togetic, whose name was clearly Joy, perked up at the command despite her battered shape. She opened her tiny mouth surprisingly wide, exhaling a fine cloud of mist which floated through the golden barrier as if it didn’t exist and approached Velotus.

    The raptor could only watch, confused, as the vapour surrounded him. He inhaled, then seemed to realise his mistake, coughing and choking in an attempt to rid himself of the soporific cloud. Slowly, his eyelids began to droop and a yawn of his own forced its way from his mouth. He stubbornly tried to remain awake but soon lost the battle with sleep and collapsed to the ground.

    Carrie knew what a Yawn attack was; she knew its effects. But she felt, with a twinge of guilt, that not warning her Pokémon about it had been the best thing to do.

    With a smug glance at the sleeping Velotus, Joy fluttered towards her trainer as the sphere of light faded. All at once the Togetic’s composure seemed happier, more cheerful.

    “I thought you had found something?” hissed the woman, just loud enough for Carrie to catch her words.

    “Tic,” Joy replied, pointing a tiny arm at Crescent.

    She wants him? Thinking on the earlier words, Carrie stepped protectively towards her Absol and placed a hand on his furry body.

    The woman’s pale blue eyes flickered onto Crescent, then to Carrie as she stroked her Pokémon. “Ah.” Suddenly the woman took on a more formal composure, drawing herself to her full height. “Forgive me,” she said smoothly, her voice now sounding as elegant as the dress she wore. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Vanessa Swift, and this is my companion, Joy.” She indicated her Togetic, who smiled. “And I must say, that is a marvellous Absol you have there.”

    Carrie shot Crescent a sideways glance, and received a look of puzzlement from her Pokémon in return. Though he was her Absol, she’d never considered him to be superior to any other member of his species. Turning back to the woman, she muttered, “Thanks.”

    Vanessa’s eyes were now scanning the other Pokémon around Carrie as she stood beneath the lone tree. The woman glanced over the Grovyle without comment before noticing Empathy. The psychic cat was still resting among the grass, but his eyes were open and alert. “And an Espeon, too? Impressive,” she said.

    At these words, Empathy leapt to his feet and glared at the maroon-clothed figure in front of him. “Espeon,” he hissed, more threateningly than Carrie thought he ever could be.

    An awkward pause followed as she wondered what to say; clearly, thanking the woman again would not go down well with Empathy. The silence was abruptly broken as Raptola stood up with an indignant squeak of, “What about me?

    Vanessa looked down at the small raptor; Carrie felt she could detect a distinct hint of superiority about her manner. “But Grovyle,” said Vanessa, “well, the fact that you own four of them speaks for itself.”

    “Gro?” Raptola piped, a sound roughly amounting to, “Huh?

    Carrie gazed fondly at her Grovyle. “She means that four of you makes you better,” she told him, fake assurance in her voice. Satisfied, Raptola beamed at Ivyx and didn’t notice his trainer giving Vanessa an annoyed stare. It was countered with a perfectly cool, confident gaze, befitting the woman’s pale hair and eyes.

    Vanessa’s face regained its polite expression as she surveyed both Carrie and Theo. “And whom do we have the pleasure of meeting?” asked the woman smoothly.

    Carrie raised her eyebrows, allowing Theo the chance to step forward and speak. “I’m Theo, and this is Carrie.”

    “And we really need to get going now,” she interrupted, before Theo could continue as he had looked ready to do.

    “We can wait a while longer, can’t we?” he asked Carrie.

    “But –”

    “Only I want to finish the battle Velotus started,” he insisted, turning to the maroon robed woman, “with you, Vanessa, and… Joy.” He spoke loudly and deliberately, preventing Carrie’s immediate protest.

    Undeterred, she spoke up the moment his voice petered out. “What? We don’t have time to hang around battling people.”

    Theo looked her in the eye and said evenly, “I still have Pokémon to train. Not everyone’s life stopped when Archopy flew over a forest.”

    Vanessa, who had been observing the argument with boredom, suddenly looked curious.

    Carrie glared stubbornly into Theo’s eyes, riled at the implied insult. Then she caught sight of Vanessa’s thoughtful face, and realisation dropped. “No…” Carrie breathed, taking a step backwards and recalling the woman’s reaction to Empathy and Crescent. Frustration overtook her, and she glowered at Theo more powerfully than before. “Fine!” she yelled. “Have your battle!”

    With that, she plonked herself resolutely underneath the tree, ignoring Theo’s “What did I do?” look.

    The damage had been done.

    Idiot! she fumed to herself. That careless idiot! There they were with a woman clearly hunting rare Pokémon, and Theo had to let slip about Archopy. A Pokémon never seen before by humans. The only one of its kind.

    Idiot, Carrie repeated in her mind, less fiercely this time as the worry seeped in. What would happen if Vanessa found out what Archopy was? What would happen if she reached it first?

    Yes, Theo had been an idiot. It helped to pile the blame onto someone else – for once, something hadn’t been her fault – but now their mission was far more urgent. Now, they had even less time to waste battling.

    Scowling, Carrie turned to the battle as it got underway in the vague hope that it would distract her. Neither trainer was her favourite person in the world at that point, so she opted to observe and mentally root for whoever stood the most chance of winning. If they did, it’d probably be over quicker, and she could get out of there.

    Theo’s Anorith lay on the ground, staring blankly ahead in front of his trainer. Opposite, Joy fluttered cheerfully as she awaited an order. Carrie knew her types; she wanted Anorith to win.

    Vanessa began the commands with a cry of, “Ancientpower!”

    “Use Ancientpower, too,” Theo said with less enthusiasm; perhaps he knew that his Pokémon wouldn’t be spurred on either way.

    The air around each of the two battlers shimmered as rocks materialised from nowhere. Joy twirled on the spot as she summoned her attack; though motionless, Anorith’s collection of boulders was considerably larger. With a dramatic “Tic!” and a slight twitch of the trilobite’s claws, the two armadas of rocks charged at each other through the air.

    The collision produced a wide variety of crashing, cracking and crumbling noises as most of the boulders smashed each other to pieces. Several softer thumps were heard as Joy was pelted with many of Anorith’s rocks; a few small pings heralded the striking of some rather pitiful pebbles on the trilobite’s armour. He didn’t react, though whether due to his apathy or the possible fact that he hadn’t felt them was unclear.

    Vanessa gave her Pokémon a worried glance. Joy’s earlier scrape with Velotus coupled with the beating she had just received were clearly putting strain on the Togetic, who fluttered painfully much lower to the ground. The Grovyle slept on a few metres away from the fight; the trainers must have moved themselves before beginning.

    “Ancientpower again,” Theo ordered. Carrie silently approved – this would get it over with quickly.

    A flicker of frustration swept across Vanessa’s face as Anorith’s surroundings shimmered again. “It seems we should try a Metronome,” she stated, sounding strained.

    Joy nodded and screwed her eyes shut in concentration, frantically muttering “To! Gi! To! Gi!” in time with her twitching fingers. Above the trilobite, the mass of rocks vibrated in preparation for the attack. Joy pointed to the sky with a desperate “Tic!” just as the boulders began to fly towards her.

    Orange flames flickered around the Togetic’s mouth, but it was too little too late. The onslaught of rocks pounded the helpless Pokémon, who was too deep in concentration to avoid it. With a squeal, Joy’s soft white body thudded against the bare ground.

    All three humans watched earnestly as the Togetic struggled to rise. After a few moments, Joy’s eyes flickered open, but Vanessa had already pulled a black, striped Luxury Ball from her pocket. “I should not have risked it,” she said regretfully. “I’m sorry.” The Pokémon’s fallen figure dissolved into red light as she was sucked into her comfortable home.

    “Theo wins, then,” Carrie announced. “Let’s go.” She began to stand, but was subdued with a wave of Vanessa’s hand, now holding an Ultra Ball like the one Carrie used for Crescent.

    “Ah,” the woman said. “But your Grovyle there counts as another Pokémon for your side, which I believe gives me the right to use a second of my own.” She tossed the ball into the air, eyes fixed on its path as it burst open.

    The shower of light which emerged formed into a long, slender serpentine shape, displaying blue skin and a white underside once the brightness had subsided. A pair of feathery ears flicked on the Pokémon’s rounded head, the sapphire orbs bedecking its throat and tail gleaming in the sunlight. The Dragonair’s black eyes gazed indifferently at its shrimp-like foe as it floated, wingless, in midair.

    “Nair,” it uttered, sounding almost bored.

    Carrie glanced at Theo in silent protest, but he merely shrugged. Resentfully, she resumed watching the battle, changing her allegiance to Dragonair, who looked to stand a better chance of victory.

    “Now,” Vanessa ordered, a cold, detached air to her which Carrie had not noticed before. “Aqua Tail.”

    “Protect, then Metal Claw,” Theo told his Pokémon with a hint of urgency.

    Dragonair closed its eyes lazily as a shimmering blue aura shrouded its tail, seeming to flow around its smooth skin like liquid. Anorith remained staring straight ahead while a murky green shield formed, surrounding his small body.

    The dragon coiled itself like a spring, before its eyes flickered open and it lashed out at its foe. Its blue and white tail swept through the air, trailing droplets of water, and the twin orbs at the tip slammed into the translucent barrier. Though the shield reverberated from the impact, Anorith remained unhurt underneath.

    The greenish barrier retreated the moment Dragonair’s watery aura faded. Instantly, the trilobite’s claws became encased in a silver sheen and slashed the dragon’s tail with surprising speed for something Carrie had barely seen move. Dragonair let out a pitiful cry and slithered disdainfully away through the air.

    Glaring in contempt, Vanessa appeared to be holding back and allowing Theo the next move.

    He obliged. “Ancientpower!”

    “Twister,” came the woman’s immediate response.

    As Anorith mutely assembled his rocks once again, Dragonair hummed softly and flicked its tail. Dust and loose vegetation was pulled from the ground into a twisting, spiralling tornado which slowly grew in size.

    The array of boulders flew into the Twister as the serpentine Pokémon positioned itself defensively behind it. Dragonair appeared pleased – until the largest rocks hurtled through towards it, striking its vulnerable form. Another high-pitched cry came from the injured Pokémon, but its trainer’s face remained unchanged. Reluctantly, Dragonair waved its tail, and the tornado crept upon its foe.

    Anorith showed no sign of alarm as the swirling mass of dust and grass engulfed him. Light clattering noises were heard from within; Carrie could only assume that the smaller Ancientpower rocks hadn’t made it through the storm. As Dragonair grew visibly tired, the Twister dissipated, revealing that Anorith now almost comically faced his trainer. Blankly, he dragged his body around to the right direction with his claws.

    “Dragon Rush,” ordered Vanessa without missing a beat.

    “Er… Metal Claw?” Theo offered, taken aback by the suddenness. Anorith’s craggy limbs duly began to shine silver, but Dragonair was already upon him. Glowing with a fierce red energy, the dragon had darted through the air and was smacking its foe with its head, its tail, anything it could reach with.

    “Move into Aqua Tail.”

    The heated glow of Dragonair faded, being replaced with the shimmering liquid from before. It hovered still as it changed, allowing Anorith to land a few slashes with his shining claws. The dragon winced but raised its orbs above its head, breathing heavily.

    “Protect!” Theo called desperately, but in vain. Before the confused trilobite could summon a barrier, the full force of Dragonair’s watery tail had slammed into his black carapace.

    Hit by both orb and liquid, Anorith gave a grating hiss of, “Rith!” – another first, Carrie noted – before slumping to the ground, less animated than ever. Theo looked closely at his fallen Pokémon, then decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, recalling him with a sigh.

    Battered, panting, the Dragonair floated back towards its trainer. No words of praise were offered as Vanessa returned it to its ball, and only the slightest hint of satisfaction showed on the woman’s face.

    “Well,” she began, breaking the post-battle silence. “I must be off. I have… business to attend to.” With a glance at Theo, she swept away towards the rocky slope in the distance.

    Carrie sprang to her feet the moment Vanessa was out of earshot. “So do we.” Theo gave her a confused look. She returned it with a disdainful glare. “How could you be so stupid?”

    “What?”

    “You,” Carrie said slowly, pointing at Theo, “had to go and tell her –” she indicated the maroon figure disappearing from view – “about Archopy.” She finished by aiming her finger directly upwards. Her blue eyes pierced into his.

    “I didn –” Theo began to protest but stopped abruptly. A look of horror passed across his face, his eyes wide. “Oh, sh*t.”

    “At last, he gets it,” Carrie muttered to herself as her eyebrows rose. She turned away from him to face her Pokémon, who looked back at her with a mixture of expressions ranging from worry to innocent confusion.

    “So,” she breezed with fake merriment. “Who wants to wake Velotus?”

    * * *

    Vanessa gazed out over the screen of a laptop at the wide mountain scenery. The revitalised Joy hovered happily near her shoulder, having been healed by one of the many potions her trainer kept in the large tent she sat beside. Below her, far off in the distance, Vanessa could see two figures along with several Pokémon slowly travelling across the open space.

    The man, Theo, had let slip something significant; the girl’s impatience and barely concealed frustration had indicated as much. Vanessa glanced back down at her laptop, which was running a search for sightings of unidentified flying Pokémon, specifically around forested areas. Technology like this was invaluable for one who sought uniqueness, sought to own things that few others owned.

    A beep from her computer coupled with an excited squeak from Joy heralded the completion of the search. Appearing on the screen was a fuzzy photograph, along with a caption detailing that this unknown Pokémon had been seen flying over Petalburg Woods only the previous day.

    Vanessa scrutinised the blurred image before her. It appeared similar in shape to a bird Pokémon and had some kind of crest on its head, but something about the feathers looked odd. Though the quality was poor, she could make out the various shades of green and the long tail streaming behind it.

    This was a creature she had never set eyes on before, and that alone made it desirable.

    Logically, the Pokémon would have come from Petalburg City, seeing that it had flown over the adjoining forest. That made its most likely place of origin the MemorCorp laboratory on the outskirts of town. Vanessa had dealt with the corporation several times previously. They had offered her Pokémon revived from fossils on occasion, but the asking price had been low enough for her to deduce that the species were far too easily obtainable.

    This, however, was clearly an exception. Assuming that this creature had hailed from MemorCorp – and there were no other likely possibilities in the area – it must have been revived from a kind of fossil never found before. If that was the case, it would be the only one of its species alive. Truly unique.

    Raising her eyes from the screen, Vanessa surveyed the two strangers far below. A smirk passed across her face; it was all too obvious where they were headed.

    “Our little lead can be put off for the moment, Joy,” she declared with a content grin. The Togetic fluttered closer and smiled in unison with her trainer. “This new lead takes priority.”

    Snapping shut her laptop, Vanessa, with minor help from Joy, set about packing up the tent in order to move on. Those people needed to be followed – at a safe distance, so that they would not suspect a thing. And once they led her to her prize, she would move in first.

    She would claim Archopy for her own.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter

    I would particularly like to know opinions on the new character.
    Last edited by elyvorg; 15th June 2008 at 1:20 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  4. #104
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    This sure is getting more exciting as a new character is moving in, I just hope Carrie and Theo can get it before her. So, Velotus have decided to evolve or what? Or is he just getting irritated for least thing? He ssure doesn't like other pokemon that's for sure. I'm waiting rigth by my computer for next chapter! Please keep that excited atmosphere, i sure do like it!
    Du, har stĺtt vid horisonten
    Du, har tittat mot havet om jorden var rund
    Men allt som du sĺg va en bĺt som försvann
    I dimman som rullade fram

    Jag, är inte rädd att flyga
    Jag, för ovanför molnen stĺr himlen pĺ glänt
    Som jorden och mĺnen vi dras till varann
    Men hĺll mig sĺ hĺrt som du kan


    ---Nicco --- Loved Twin --- Ricario --- Catale --- Wajas ---

  5. #105
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    The new character seems to be fine. Clearly you've given thought to her personality and motives, so now we'll just have to see where those take her. I'm not a fan of making a big review, so I'll just end by saying it was a fine chapter.

    Link to my fanfic.
    I was Superkeeleybro on Nsider
    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

  6. #106
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    hearing movement on either side of her
    she tilted her head
    that is a marvelous Absol you have there.
    “Nair,” it uttered in a voice that sounded close to boredom.
    as a shimmering blue aura shrouded its tail, seemingly flowing around its smooth skin
    The last two might not be actual grammar mistakes, but they just sounded very awkward to me.

    I like Vanessa. She's got this air of elegance and mystery about her. She actually reminds me a bit of the collector, Lawrence III from that movie with Lugia. It's established that she's after rare Pokemon, but her motives are shrouded in mystery at this point. She has some prior dealings with MemorCorp, but she's not directly involved with them. Right now, I wouldn't call her "evil," but surely her intentions with Archopy are not the same as Carrie's.

    On other subjects, I'm kinda on the fence about Velotus' rampage against random wild Pokemon. On the one hand, losing to the evolved form would have a prideful Pokemon such as himself seeking more power. However, it's a little surprising that Carrie would just let him decimate wild Pokemon without doing something. Even recalling him into his Pokeball if she needed to.

    Still, the battle was entertaining and well done, and overall I liked the air of mystery about Vanessa. Looks like Carrie and Theo have somebody else they have to keep a lookout for...

    This was another nice chapter, and I did have to laugh at Theo's little moment of ignorance... "I didn't mention Archopy to her... Oh, snap, I did!"
    Last edited by DarkPersian479; 16th December 2007 at 9:18 AM.

  7. #107
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    Zessibelle - Look.
    Quote Originally Posted by Velotus
    I could have evolved years ago, before I had a trainer.
    If he wanted to evolve, he would have done so by now. The whole point of the battling random wild Pokémon is for him to become stronger than his evolution despite the natural handicap. Evolving is the last thing he wants to do.

    Apotheosis - Thanks for the comments, and I'm glad that Vanessa was a success.

    DarkPersian479 - Marvellous is the British spelling, apparently. And I'm leaving the "flowing" one as it is, but the rest have been changed. "She titled her head" has been added to the list of Ridiculously Stupid Mistakes Which I Didn't Proofread Thoroughly Enough For. >.<

    Yayyy Vanessa is liked! That was my general aim for this chapter - to introduce her as an antagonist who is nonetheless likeable. There's more of her next chapter which might shed a little more light on some stuff.

    I think the reason Carrie is hesitant to reign in Velotus is that she's not used to stopping him from doing what he wants to. The whole attacking random wild Pokémon thing comes to a head next chapter, but I might tweak it slightly with what you said in mind.

    Thanks for reviewing.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  8. #108
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    Carrie knew what a Yawn attack was; she knew its effects. But she felt, with a twinge of guilt, than not warning her Pokémon about it had been the best thing to do.
    Than should equal "that" shouldn't it?

    Chapter was brilliant... It's odd a Dragonair came up into it, as it's being poppping up a lot for me lately... Especially in regards to one i'm trying to get Sim to trade to me, but he won't because he's mean.
    I WANTS DRAGONAIR! ONE OF THE BEST DRAGONS EVER! (Minus Altaria, naturally.) Especially that one. Because like... It's cool. And belongs to Sim <3
    But he'd rather give it to randomers on the GTS, tsk tsk tsk naughty naughty isn't he?

    Anyways, Vanessa, I get the feeling she's related to Grace White, perhaps long time lesbian life partner, in a relationship that has sadly reached it's end because Vanessa decides to wear a maroon dress.
    Interesting choice thar, I like it.

    I see you're trying to make her mysterious, because other people pointed it out, but I didn't see it. To me she simply said "I want rare Pokemon. Rare Pokemon are good. I want go catch now."

    Naturally her dealings with MemorCorp were about rare pokemon, so that wasn't much of a "Ooooh, suddenly, a plot ensues" moment, it was a "Meh, rare pogeymunz." kind of thing.

    Hmmm she seems ok... Like a main personal antagonist, since Aiden was a bit of a randomer and Grace White wants to rule the world of corporate marketing and modern feminism.
    And good for her.

    Seems that Aiden was made to be Carrie's polar opposite but not neccesarily rival, and Vanessa was made to be like Theo, but more extreme.

    Speaking of Theo, GOOD GOD MAN YOU ARE NOT THAT STUPID BY ANYONES STANDARDS! BUT GOOD ON YOU FOR STANDING UP TO CARRIE (Breifly) YOU NEED A BACKBONE, AND NOW WE'RE ON YOUR TERRITORY!
    Shame he lost that backbone after the fight. (Which was cool but what the hell was the orange/gold shield thing? Also, I assume Velotus has Dragon Claw?)
    He lost it by being "Oh what? I did? Oops." That kind of thing. Fair does he did do wrong, but after his moment of glory he failed again >.> But hey, least it shows he DOES have a backbone. Somewhere. Cool.
    That Anorith is fetching brilliant :3 It's mooshy! I wish to smoosh it. (You can tell Theo's not that experienced at battling by the way, he doesn't think quick enough, and that Twister was an obvious move to counter the HIGHLY obvious Ancientpower with. But I still love Theo :3)

    The desert. Whom knows what awaits them, except you of course... Then again... Do you?
    I wanna see a Flygon. I know this isn't a request fic, but Flygon is LOVE. FLYGON <3 :3

    XD, "Slashed by claws at the end of a powerful white arm" I was sat on the edge of my seat (Wierd moment right? XD) because I was thinking "Is this the trainer?, DOES TEH TRAINER HAS A ZANGOOSE!? Oh.. wait no.. Just a wild Vigoroth." XD Though it was still cool either way ^-^.

    Yeah... For some reason I always assumed the other character (Vanessa) would be a male, not sure why.
    Be interesting to see what other Pokemon she has :3

    Anyways, ultimately, another awesome chapter, despite me being tired and it being late. :3 I shall be going to sleep rather very soon.
    Like now, after supper.
    Bye byes ^_^

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
    Quote Originally Posted by MSN
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    Quote Originally Posted by L0L View Post
    They named a game after me?

  9. #109
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    Darkfall - ^_^

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Than should equal "that" shouldn't it?
    Gawd. Ridiculously Stupid Mistake number 4367, I think. @_@

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Chapter was brilliant... It's odd a Dragonair came up into it, as it's being poppping up a lot for me lately... Especially in regards to one i'm trying to get Sim to trade to me, but he won't because he's mean.
    I WANTS DRAGONAIR! ONE OF THE BEST DRAGONS EVER! (Minus Altaria, naturally.) Especially that one. Because like... It's cool. And belongs to Sim <3
    But he'd rather give it to randomers on the GTS, tsk tsk tsk naughty naughty isn't he?
    Whoo. And Dragonair's rarity = something Vanessa might own.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Anyways, Vanessa, I get the feeling she's related to Grace White, perhaps long time lesbian life partner, in a relationship that has sadly reached it's end because Vanessa decides to wear a maroon dress.
    Interesting choice thar, I like it.
    XDDD. Heh, she's not related to Grace at all. The maroon dress is the result of not working out a character's clothing before writing their introduction, thinking of random colours and deciding on one which oddly seems to fit.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    I see you're trying to make her mysterious, because other people pointed it out, but I didn't see it. To me she simply said "I want rare Pokemon. Rare Pokemon are good. I want go catch now."
    I wasn't actually trying particularly to make her mysterious; I was focusing more on her personality and stuffs. Actually, the thing which I worked hardest to try and stress about her is something which apparently no-one noticed as no reviewer has mentioned it yet. ._.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Naturally her dealings with MemorCorp were about rare pokemon, so that wasn't much of a "Ooooh, suddenly, a plot ensues" moment, it was a "Meh, rare pogeymunz." kind of thing.
    The dealings with MemorCorp weren't meant to be so much omgzplotdrama as they were meant to simply be there so Vanessa can work out where Archopy came from without her laptop being more uber than it already is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Hmmm she seems ok... Like a main personal antagonist, since Aiden was a bit of a randomer and Grace White wants to rule the world of corporate marketing and modern feminism.
    And good for her.
    Not amazingly whootish then? Oh well, I tried.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Seems that Aiden was made to be Carrie's polar opposite but not neccesarily rival, and Vanessa was made to be like Theo, but more extreme.
    Hmm, I'd never actually realised that Vanessa is a bit like Theo. She was made for a higher purpose and for some plot to fill in the emptiness with, but not for being like Theo's almost-rival or anything.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Speaking of Theo, GOOD GOD MAN YOU ARE NOT THAT STUPID BY ANYONES STANDARDS! BUT GOOD ON YOU FOR STANDING UP TO CARRIE (Breifly) YOU NEED A BACKBONE, AND NOW WE'RE ON YOUR TERRITORY!
    Shame he lost that backbone after the fight. (Which was cool but what the hell was the orange/gold shield thing? Also, I assume Velotus has Dragon Claw?)
    The shield thingy was a Reflect, and I'd thought that the words "electrical" and "fist" made it obvious that it was a Thunderpunch. o.o Personally don't see much point in using the attack names if they weren't called out by the trainer.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    He lost it by being "Oh what? I did? Oops." That kind of thing. Fair does he did do wrong, but after his moment of glory he failed again >.> But hey, least it shows he DOES have a backbone. Somewhere. Cool.
    On the subject of Theo's backbone, I have written to almost two chapters ahead of where you've read to and I can safely say that it tends to fluctuate depending on the situation. The reason his backbone appeared to fizzle out of existence was that he also cares about getting to Archopy and felt pretty guilty about letting it slip to rare pogeymanz woman. The fact that the moment of stupidity came during the moment of backbone probably helped him lose it again, too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    That Anorith is fetching brilliant :3 It's mooshy! I wish to smoosh it. (You can tell Theo's not that experienced at battling by the way, he doesn't think quick enough, and that Twister was an obvious move to counter the HIGHLY obvious Ancientpower with. But I still love Theo :3)
    I seriously do wonder why you love even a Pokémon which does absolutely nothing unless told to. Yeah, Theo is no master battler, but the Twister strategy was also a bit of a risk for Vanessa as it might not, and indeed didn't quite, work properly.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    The desert. Whom knows what awaits them, except you of course... Then again... Do you?
    I wanna see a Flygon. I know this isn't a request fic, but Flygon is LOVE. FLYGON <3 :3
    It's a good few chapters before they get to the desert. And I loves Flygon too, I'd love to include it if I could but I dunno.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    XD, "Slashed by claws at the end of a powerful white arm" I was sat on the edge of my seat (Wierd moment right? XD) because I was thinking "Is this the trainer?, DOES TEH TRAINER HAS A ZANGOOSE!? Oh.. wait no.. Just a wild Vigoroth." XD Though it was still cool either way ^-^.
    Aww, if it were a more logical place for wild Zangoose to be around I'd probably have had one of them instead of the Vigoroth since Zangoose is win.
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Yeah... For some reason I always assumed the other character (Vanessa) would be a male, not sure why.
    Be interesting to see what other Pokemon she has :3
    Heh. Yay for me being incredibly vague and never calling her "she" when mentioning her. =D
    Quote Originally Posted by Darkfall View Post
    Anyways, ultimately, another awesome chapter, despite me being tired and it being late. :3 I shall be going to sleep rather very soon.
    Like now, after supper.
    Bye byes ^_^
    And another awesome review. You always seem to point out stuff that no-one else does and my characters would probably suck without you. I feel priveliged. :3
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  10. #110
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    Default Chapter 11: Tarnished Bonds

    Yay, Chapter 11. And there may well be a significantly longer gap between this chapter and the next, because Christmas is coming up soon (^_^).

    Chapter 11: Tarnished Bonds

    Velotus’ sleeping form stirred as Empathy telepathically eased the Grovyle into wakefulness. His eyelids flickered open, and he gazed ahead blearily before snapping fully alert in an instant. The Espeon backed away as Velotus leapt to his feet, his head whipping around to where Vanessa and Joy had been previously. On seeing nothing there, he directed his indignant look at Carrie instead.

    You let me fall asleep,” he vented. “You knew I would.

    Carrie said nothing; she merely nodded.

    Velotus huffed in contempt and looked again at the spot where Joy had once been. “Where did the Togetic and its trainer go, anyway?

    “Left after beating Theo in a battle. A short one,” Carrie added hurriedly on seeing her Grovyle’s expression. “You weren’t asleep that long.” Velotus shook his head dismissively and walked away a few steps, clearly conscious of being stared at by everyone around him.

    “He’s awake now. Let’s go,” Theo insisted, marching ahead in what Carrie saw as a feeble attempt to cover up his own mistake. She braced herself as Raptola leapt at her back and clung on, feeling the fresh digging of his tiny claws into her shoulders and sides. His small face came into view beside hers, blissfully unaware of his trainer’s urgency as she fell into line behind Theo.

    Velotus dashed to catch up, coming level with Carrie, albeit a few paces off to the side. “Why the sudden rush?” he asked casually, not making eye contact.

    “Oh. Well,” Carrie began in an annoyed tone. “No, wait.” A grin passed across her face. “Theo, tell Velotus why we are in a rush,” she said in a deliberately mocking voice. The Grovyle narrowed his eyes and fixed them on the man walking with large strides in front of him.

    “Erm.” Theo hesitated, unsure. “Well, that woman, she erm, was looking for rare Pokémon.” He took a deep breath. “And I… sort of… mentioned… Archopy… in front of her,” he stammered, his voice rising in pitch as though he expected Velotus to attack him any second.

    What?” The Grovyle sped in front of Theo, turned to face him and blocked his path. The man froze with the air of someone trying not to make any sudden, threatening movements. Velotus fixed him with a cold glare. “You’re lucky I don’t fight humans. They all turn out to be idiots.” He caught his trainer’s eye. “Most of them.

    “What did he say?” Theo asked, his voice wavering.

    “Oh, nothing,” replied Carrie innocently as her continued walking brought her right up to the stationary man. She poked him in the back. “Like you said, let’s go.”

    Theo took a few tentative steps forward before relaxing as Velotus dropped his gaze and led the way up front. The man’s strides grew more confident the longer Velotus was away from him, and he settled into his walking rhythm again. Carrie allowed him a few paces of space before following.

    The sun shone relentlessly on the shade-free terrain as she, her Pokémon and Theo made their way across the mountain’s foothills. A flock of bird Pokémon in the distance was the only thing visible in the clear sky, the mass of bodies making up a whole, like a living cloud. Crescent still held the content aura he had gained upon entering the wide, sloped environment as he bounded across it. The rest of the Pokémon preferred to stay closer to their trainer – except Velotus, who walked far out in front, separate from the crowd.

    Beside Carrie, Foliano was watching the Grovyle ahead, deep in thought. After a while, his eyes met his trainer’s. “Something’s bothering him.

    She looked towards Velotus, frowning. “Tell me something I didn’t know.”

    No, I mean, not just…” He paused, aware that Raptola was listening curiously from Carrie’s shoulder. “This has nothing to do with… last night. Why’s he so worried about Archopy again?

    He was before,” Ivyx, who walked claw-in-claw with her mate, pointed out.

    Yes, but –” Foliano looked at her, then shot another worried glance at Raptola. “It doesn’t matter.

    Carrie frowned again as they continued in silence. Whether he had intended to or not, Foliano had got her thinking. Why was Velotus so angry about Theo’s slip up, when considering last night, it should be the least of his problems?

    She shrugged off the thought and realised that her gaze had drifted to the flock of bird Pokémon. It was close enough now for her to make out each individual beat of their unusually spiky wings, to see how the sunlight glinted – glinted? – off their feathers. As it neared even further, she understood why: this was a flock of Skarmory, the only Steel typed Pokémon capable of flight.

    Engrossed in watching the birds and thinking of Archopy, Carrie almost bumped into Theo, who was standing still, alarmed. She sidestepped to get a glance of what he was looking at and saw Velotus glowing with a fierce white glare so similar to the “bad” light produced by evolution. Orbs of the same luminance floated around his head as he stared fixedly at the Skarmory above.

    “Oh, great,” Carrie muttered.

    She was about to yell to her Grovyle to stop – not that it would have stood much chance of success – when the orbs coalesced into one shining ball and catapulted towards the Skarmory flock, now almost directly overhead. A grating squawk of alarm could be heard as the heated mass struck the chest of one of the birds, scorching its usually gleaming armour.

    Chaos broke loose in the flock. The sky was rent with an amalgamation of screeches and metallic clangs as the birds closest to the victim struggled to escape the danger, their way blocked by the Skarmory from further out who flew in for a closer look. Velotus’ target – easily identified by the black mark on its chest – spiralled downwards and away from its comrades, squawking furiously in indignation. One other Skarmory followed it towards the ground, escaping the chaotic mass of clattering wings above.

    As both metal birds’ taloned feet landed and found purchase on the dusty ground, their flock seemed to be regaining some kind of order over their heads. The cloud of bodies expanded, allowing each individual bird some space. Without a pause, they soared off in the direction they had been headed, sparing not a glance to the two left below.

    “Skaaar!” one of the Skarmory – the larger one with the scorch mark – screeched. It raised its wings in a threatening gesture, revealing three long red feathers which contrasted with the gleaming silver of the rest of its hide. The smaller bird behind it – its mate, presumably – did the same.

    Though the humans and most of the Pokémon in the area had halted and were watching the Skarmory anxiously, Velotus did not waver, not even faced with two shining, curved beaks and two pairs of cold yellow eyes so reminiscent of his own. “Skaaarmory!” the larger protested again, breaking the short standoff. The Grovyle’s only reply was to ready his blades and drive one of them into the blackened mark on the avian creature’s chest. A sound like a gong rang out as the Skarmory stepped back, but it showed no sign of being significantly hurt by the strike.

    At this, the smaller bird leapt into the air and glided speedily towards Velotus, its sharp-edged wings outstretched. He nimbly ducked underneath the attack but was caught unaware by a flurry of furious pecks from the cruel beak of his other foe. Hissing, he retreated from the reach of the Skarmory’s long, segmented neck.

    Carrie looked on with Raptola’s terrified cries of, “Do something, do something!” ringing in her ear. Velotus needed to be stopped before he succumbed to the serious disadvantage he held, in both typing and numbers. Her hand drifted towards the pocket containing his Poké Ball before she thought better of it; Velotus had sometimes refused to be returned, and this was looking to be one of those occasions. She tried to shout his name instead but was drowned out by yet another clang followed by the crackling of electricity as the charge from his Thunderpunch surged through the conductive body of the large Skarmory.

    It gave a rasping screech of pain, but it was to be short-lived. Airborne a few metres away, its mate swept one of its bladed wings in a slashing motion through the air. The resulting rush of wind, seemingly both solid and sharp, slammed into Velotus and knocked him away from the larger Skarmory.

    Carrie looked around at her other Pokémon, eyes wide. “Doing something, anyone? Foli? Crescent?” At her words, both the Absol and Foliano seemed ready to intervene – Crescent once again looked livid at the disturbance of natural peace – but Theo stopped them by raising a hand in which he held a Poké Ball.

    “Let me sort it,” he said, before throwing the ball. “Come out, Kabutops.” In a flash of light, the savage, skeletal form of the ancient Pokémon appeared. He turned his large head, taking in the surroundings and registering the ongoing battle.

    Theo muttered a soft, “Stop the fight,” to his Pokémon. Kabutops nodded and dashed forward on skinny legs past the defiant Velotus. The fossil creature raised both scythes to block the attacks of the two Skarmory, who had been attempting a double Steel Wing strike. Their long silver feathers pushed against his blades, but the frustrated birds soon relented and fell rather clumsily to the ground.

    Undeterred, both Skarmory drew back their beaks in preparation for a pecking assault on each of their targets. A short, sharp, “Kabu!” from the brown creature silenced them, though not without producing sceptic looks.

    “Skar? Skar Skarmory,” the smaller bird spat. Kabutops blinked and shot Velotus a nervous glance.

    I need to get stronger,” the Grovyle explained through gritted teeth.

    The fossil Pokémon tilted his head to one side. “Ka?”

    The resulting glare was so intense that Kabutops dropped his gaze.

    A metallic rustling started up as the two Skarmory grew impatient, fluttering their feathers restlessly. The fossil turned back to them, speaking in a low, firm voice. “Kabutops. Kabu, kabutops tops.” Velotus bristled at the words, shooting Kabutops a brief glance of distaste, but it was ignored.

    The larger of the birds cocked its head to one side before stabbing its beak towards the scorched mark on its chest with an indignant squawk. Its mate cawed in agreement. Kabutops frowned, then opened his mouth and released a light spray of water towards the Skarmory’s burn mark, dousing it in the cool liquid. The bird regarded its newly shining chest, preening softly.

    “Kabu,” the fossil said. With a dismissive shake of the head, the Skarmory and its mate grudgingly spread their wings and took off, following their departed flock. Carrie watched until they were mere specks in the distance.

    Theo seemed to remember the hurry they were in and abruptly set off walking again without recalling his Pokémon. Velotus reclaimed his position in front, as irate as ever. As they continued, Carrie noticed that Foliano had approached Kabutops and was walking next to him.

    Ruthless? He’s not ruthless, Kabutops. Just… strong minded.

    * * *

    A vast array of mountainside, forest and barren land was laid out beneath the Skarmory flock as it flew. The view was exhilarating, as was the feeling of sweeping through the air on light steel wings, hearing the mingled wingbeats and calls of the metal birds all around.

    One Skarmory in particular lingered at the back of the flock, cruising on the tailwind. He may have had the speed, but he had never had the inclination to fly any further forward than he needed to. There was no point – the other Skarmory barely paid him any heed wherever he was. He simply tagged along, ignored by his flockmates.

    The Skarmory felt a twinge of frustration as another one of his kind glided close to him, gave him a brief glance then continued onwards, purposefully beating its wings to move away faster. None of them ever bothered staying near him for one simple reason: he was tarnished. His armour, which should have gleamed silver like the rest of his flock, was a dull brown-grey colour that merely glittered occasionally.

    He gave a short burst of wing beats to try and lighten his mood, flashing the one redeeming feature of his colouring: his smaller flight feathers, which were a striking emerald green. He had often hoped that this would be enough to entice a female into looking at him twice, but to no avail. All of them were quite happy with their perfectly normal silver-and-red mates; some were even prepared to follow and back them up should a human’s Pokémon attack, as had happened recently.

    Humans. He knew a little of these odd creatures from stories he had heard when he was just a chick; he knew, for example, that they were said to sometimes capture Pokémon and treat them with respect and care. It didn’t occur to the dull-coloured bird that the stories could have been biased – this information had come from the few Skarmory who had been captured but allowed back to their home to tell their tale – for he had always been intrigued at the possibility that someone might treat him with dignity, like an ordinary Skarmory.

    Being ignored often got lonely.

    Thinking on the human whose Pokémon had attacked the flock, he wheeled around in midair to face where it had come from. He hesitated only for a moment. Perhaps he would miss his kind, but he had never truly been a part of them. Stay or leave, they would not care either way.

    With a decisive flap of his green feathers, which gave one of their sporadic twinkles as he did so, the tarnished Skarmory headed away from the flock he had lived among all his life.

    * * *

    Foliano and the brown human’s Kabutops were talking about him.

    Velotus did not like being the topic of conversation. He preferred it when everything about himself was kept within the knowledge of those who knew him, instead of being spread to outsiders like the fossil creature. It was some consolation, he supposed, that Foliano was attempting to defend him, to convince Kabutops that he had seen the very worst of his personality.

    That said, those worst moments were becoming ever more common.

    Velotus stared unseeingly at the ground that passed underneath his feet as he walked. He heard the low, gravelly voice of Kabutops from far behind him saying, “If he’s not so bad, why was I told to stop the fight?

    He’s been doing it since we left the town this morning – battling wild Pokémon,” Foliano replied. “My trainer wants him to stop, but he’s…

    Unruly, finished Velotus in his mind. It had not always been the case, but then again, he could not remember his trainer ever being so restrictive – she usually allowed him to go about his business uninterrupted. And he needed to; he needed every bit of training he could get if he was to overpower the Sceptile and protect Archopy from its fate. She knew about his failure – that much was badly concealed and quite frankly obvious – so why was she trying to stop him becoming stronger?

    His resentment was interrupted from rising any higher by a distant call of, “Huuuuuumaaaaaans!” Along with the others in the area, Velotus turned his head in surprise to see the shape of a Skarmory soaring towards them. His initial thought was that it was one of the pair from earlier, but the voice sounded happier than they had ever been. And why would one of those two be screeching that word in particular?

    The bird darted towards the ground and skidded to a dusty halt in front of them. It was plain to see that this was no ordinary Skarmory – he was a dull gold-like colour, with green undersides to his wings. His armour sparkled briefly as he stood, patiently waiting for a response from the two humans.

    Carrie was the first to break the awkward silence. “Weird colouring,” she muttered. “Well, it’s different.”

    Huh?” cawed the Skarmory, an offended note to his voice.

    “Sometimes you get Pokémon like that,” Theo explained. “A freak change in the DNA, like what happened to Archopy, I think. Except it never gets passed on.”

    Freak?” the bird squawked, incredulous.

    “What does it want, anyway?” Carrie asked, her gaze drifting towards Velotus. Her other Pokémon were ranged around – or clinging to – her, in no position to stop him doing what he had in mind. He observed the Skarmory again as the bird glanced hesitantly from one human to the other. It wasn’t as worthy as two, but a battle with it would be good practice nonetheless.

    Carrie gave Velotus a stern look, which he pretended he hadn’t noticed. Not in the mood for doing anything his trainer might tell him, he focused his frustration into glowing, white hot energy – a feat which had become significantly easier since the night before. The globules of light rose and slammed into the Skarmory’s dull-coloured armour.

    As the bird screeched in pain, Velotus marvelled at how something so naďve made such an easy target. He heard his trainer ordering him in no uncertain terms to stop, but closer to him was the voice of Kabutops. “Not ruthless? Are you sure?

    Spurred on by the fossil’s unfairly quick judgement on his character, coupled with the blinding anger summoned by his Hidden Power, Velotus made a rash decision to do something he had never intentionally done before: directly disobey a point-blank order from his trainer. He focused a flurry of sparks into his right arm and smashed the electricity-shrouded fist into the Skarmory’s green wing.

    The bird squawked loudly as it lit up and aimed a half-hearted peck at Velotus, which he avoided by leaping backwards. He caught the eye of his trainer, saw the mixture of fury and frustration on her face.

    I thought humans cared about their Pokémon,” the Skarmory said, confused and frightened, following Velotus’ gaze.

    Don’t count on it,” he replied, forming his leaves into scythes and preparing to strike.

    “Velotus!” Carrie called again, and something in the desperation of her voice made him take notice. He turned to her, head cocked in a scrutinising expression.

    “This isn’t like you. The Velotus I know doesn’t battle for the sake of power,” she said, anger hidden under the surface of her voice.

    He paused. “It’s different now.

    “It shouldn’t have to be!” she yelled, the words exploding out of her mouth. “If you carry on like this, you might as well just evolve!”

    There was a shattering silence. Everyone turned to stare at Carrie in horror.

    Velotus felt as though a part of him had been ripped away. He stood numb with shock before the boiling rage surfaced and directed itself at his trainer. Leaves glinting more dangerously than ever, he leapt across the ground towards her, his fight with the Skarmory insignificant.

    Carrie flinched as his face froze into an expression so cold, so unforgiving, that he utterly failed to acknowledge the fear and apology in his trainer’s eyes. He took a threatening step forwards, hissing, “Is that what you want?

    “No!” she stammered. “I didn –”

    Am I no better than one of them?” he spat.

    Carrie’s face now mirrored the expression of the small Grovyle beside her: desperate, terrified. Too blinded by rage to care, Velotus leapt at her and drew back his blades, ready to slash.

    A petrified squeal from Raptola interrupted the silence of his assault. In that split-second, he saw properly how the young creature clung onto his trainer for dear life. He remembered how much this human meant to him. He realised just what he was doing.

    Suddenly panicking, he urged his blades to retreat as he collided with his trainer in midair, knocking her and Raptola to the ground but not – he hoped – doing any serious harm.

    Carrie stared in astonishment at Velotus from her awkward position on the dusty earth. He glanced around, saw the disbelieving faces of Foliano and Ivyx, heard the protective growls of Empathy and Crescent – then turned and ran from it all. Ignoring his trainer’s pleading for him to come back and the odd-coloured Skarmory’s confused questions, he focused on getting away before he hurt anyone else.

    He had come so close to attacking his trainer – the one human he cared about, respected, and the only one who meant anything to him. He could have killed her. And for what? A mere slip of the tongue which his pride would not allow?

    He was a hypocrite, and he realised it now. Whether Carrie had meant what she had said or not, she had been right: his actions were no better than those of his evolved form.

    * * *

    Vanessa sighed as she crouched among a low clump of grass, cheered only slightly by a reassuring smile from Joy. Such open space made it easy to follow someone, but it also made it much harder to do so without being seen. To top things off, the strangers and their Pokémon had recently halted in their progress after a disturbance with a Skarmory flock flying overhead. At this rate, she could be in her awkward position for some time.

    She watched as the distant figure of a Grovyle – presumably the one that had attacked Joy – struck one of the two Skarmory who had not continued on with their flock. Her Togetic had apparently acknowledged the expected delay and was occupying herself by flicking her fingers from side to side, chanting chirpily as though summoning a Metronome. For any of Vanessa’s other Pokémon, she would have ordered them to stop, but she trusted that Joy had the sense not to actually release an attack.

    Far off, one of the birds was lit up with some kind of electricity as the bright energy coursed through its body. Vanessa turned from the battle in boredom and gazed off in the opposite direction at the departing flock of Skarmory. Had she noticed them only an hour or so earlier, she and Joy would have been chasing them in search of her lead instead of squatting among vegetation to hide from a pair of everyday trainers. Still, it would be worth it in the end.

    The rhythmic, “To, gi, to, gi,” from Joy, which showed no signs of petering out, was beginning to get on Vanessa’s nerves. She resisted the urge to order her Pokémon into silence; the Togetic was enjoying herself, not to mention showing a more positive attitude to this inconvenience than her trainer was.

    After a short while of watching the battle unfold in an attempt to relieve her boredom, Vanessa realised that her feet were subconsciously tapping in time with Joy’s rhythm.

    Several minutes later, she was dragged out of the hypnotic stupor caused by the Metronome as her eyes registered movement. Significant movement – the strangers were finally continuing. “Joy,” she said in a whisper, abruptly bringing the chant to a halt. The Togetic gave a questioning chirp but was soon pointed in the direction of the departing people. “We’re moving on.”

    Vanessa stood up jerkily, coaxing movement into her stiff body. Joy rose to her eye level as she began to follow the strangers far out in front, legs a little unsteady after so long inactive. “At last,” she muttered under her breath, unable to hide the impatience in her voice.

    Keeping her quarry within sight, she and Joy made their way across the open ground. She took care to stay a good distance behind them so that, should they look back, she would hopefully remain unnoticed despite her conspicuous choice of clothing. Her shoes, too, were not the most practical for traversing such terrain – though she had at least had the sense not to choose heels – but she refused to let her aching feet bother her. Image was everything.

    Before long, she was distracted by an avian screech coming from behind her, which she identified as the call of a Skarmory. It was impossible to ignore once Joy had turned and started squeaking excitedly, so Vanessa pivoted on the spot to see for herself. Immediately, she saw why her Togetic was enthusiastic: the green wings and dull brown-gold plating on the Skarmory was unmistakable.

    Her eyes widened in surprise. “Our lead…” she murmured. “How convenient for it to fly alone.” Joy nodded, giving a mischievous squeak coupled with a grin.

    “Let us watch it,” she instructed softly. “We still have a priority, but it may turn out that this doesn’t get in the way.” Vanessa gazed at the bird as it flew past, marvelling at its uniqueness. A thought struck her: the last time she had captured a Pokémon which was special in this way, she had sold it for a high price.

    Money. Without a doubt, it was necessary for someone like her – the software she owned which helped to track down rare Pokémon was worth a considerable fortune alone. Few were willing to pay for unusual species, the likes of which Vanessa owned, but she knew of several people who would buy a Pokémon of individual colouring.

    And she knew of an extremely expensive item – a special type of Poké Ball – which would guarantee her success in capturing the one-of-a-kind ancient creature she sought.

    Joy poked her softly back into the present and pointed at the Skarmory. It had landed in front of the two trainers and appeared to be cawing loudly. Barely concealing a sigh of frustration, Vanessa sank to the ground, electing to sit more comfortably rather than crouch this time.

    Her Togetic descended to her level. “We wait,” Vanessa said with a sigh. “Perhaps they will weaken it. Once they leave, we capture it.” Joy squeaked her approval and settled down on her trainer’s lap, resting her wings.

    With a renewed sense of purpose at the fact she was doing something soon rather than far into the future, Vanessa found the wait much more bearable than previously. It didn’t seem long before the trainers were leaving – running, it appeared – and the Skarmory was slowly wandering in the opposite direction, which happened to be roughly towards her and Joy.

    She jumped up far less awkwardly than before and made her way to the Skarmory with her Togetic at her shoulder. Thankfully, her shoes barely impeded her running speed – they only made her feet hurt. On reaching her prize, she observed that the bird was walking slowly with its head down, a brief sparkle of light failing to disguise its weakened state.

    The Skarmory raised its head as it noticed her and gave her a confused look. Vanessa’s only response was to reach into her pocket, grasping one sphere before reconsidering. Her Dragonair was still injured; she had not got around to healing him and didn’t feel inclined to dig Potions out of her bag now. She pulled out a different Ultra Ball and threw it wordlessly into space.

    The vaguely humanoid creature inside emerged upside-down, balanced on a point atop his head. Realising he was in a battle, he reluctantly began kicking his round, clawed feet to build momentum and slowly started spinning. Soon, the Hitmontop was simply a blur of brown and blue, preventing Vanessa from getting a clear glimpse of his expression, though she doubted he would be pleased at the typing of the foe. She barely felt any remorse – the strategy may have been risky, but it would hopefully be efficient.

    “Hitmontop,” she ordered, Joy still fluttering at her shoulder, “Triple Kick.”

    The spinning shape titled slightly, bringing him careering towards the bemused Skarmory. The bird gave a squawk of alarm, but the first strike from the ball on the end of Hitmontop’s tail seemed to have barely grazed it.

    Undeterred, the fighter wheeled away from a retaliatory peck before rushing in for a second assault. This time, his speed, his long leg and his heavy foot combined into a forceful blow which left a dent in the Skarmory’s armour. A gong-like sound reverberated as the bird flapped its wings in panic, becoming airborne before Hitmontop could attack a third time.

    Safe on the ground, the fighter’s rotation slowed to a halt. Wavering, he balanced upon his head, breathing more noticeably than before. The Skarmory above had retreated to a considerable distance and was now darting towards Hitmontop, its sharp beak glinting in the sunlight.

    “Remain spinning,” Vanessa hissed. “Let it attack.” Irked that he had stopped in the first place, she watched as the humanoid resentfully kicked his legs again to build a twisting momentum. The Skarmory, flying too fast to change course, struck with its beak just as Hitmontop had gained considerable speed and was pummelled in the face several times by both feet and tail.

    Angered, the bird continued its pecking assault, ducking its head under the flailing limbs to deliver jabbing blows, jolting Hitmontop out of his spin. Disoriented and in pain, the fighter’s only word of support was a bark of, “Counter!” from his trainer.

    With a heavy intake of breath, Hitmontop focused and twisted violently on the spot, slamming one of his feet into the Skarmory’s armour. Another gong sound rang out, another dent was left as the bird reeled back, screeching.

    “Close Combat,” Vanessa ordered, allowing her Pokémon not a moment’s rest.

    Hitmontop started spinning once more, careering recklessly towards the stunned bird once he had enough speed. Foot, tail, claw, even his tiny brown fists – everything collided with the Skarmory’s armour in an attempt to batter it further. Squawking desperately, the bird landed as many retaliatory pecks as it could but was ultimately overpowered by the violent assault.

    The melee ended, and Hitmontop dizzily retreated, the signs of severe pecking evident on his round torso. As silently as he had been brought out, he was recalled into his Ultra Ball. Vanessa pulled a second, empty one out of her pocket and threw it at the Skarmory as it panted, dents disfiguring its dull armour.

    It didn’t resist as the ball opened and sucked it inside in the form of shapeless red light. Knowing the unlikelihood of a breakout, Vanessa watched the sphere bounce to the ground and begin shaking. Beside her, Joy’s eyes were locked on it too as it ceased wobbling with an ever-satisfying click.

    “Now, Joy,” Vanessa said, bending down to pick the Ultra Ball up. “Do you remember when we sold that unusual green Marill which we caught back in Johto?” The Togetic gave a nod of acknowledgement. “I know of another such man who lives in a city not far from here. This Skarmory will no doubt be worth far more.”

    Joy nodded again but looked a little confused. She pointed over the horizon to where the strangers had gone with a questioning, “Tic?”

    “Oh, I trust we will find them again; it shouldn’t be difficult.” Vanessa held up the Ultra Ball containing the unique Skarmory with a glint in her eye. “But this Pokémon’s value can buy us what we truly need.”

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 15th June 2008 at 1:29 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  11. #111
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    I'm so sorry! Lazyness is such a...

    Oh well, I might as well get on with the review, sorry for being rather inactive here, sprites just seem to be so much easier to crit than fan fiction.

    I must say, you got me quite excited. Velotus gets all dangerous and battle-hungry while the sinister Vanessa (who may be our main antagonist) is tracking them.

    Emotions were well conveyed, you could feel the rage, the pain, the innocence of Joy and that cold aloofness of Vanessa. Description was perfect, well-flowing and you didn't bore us with three blocks of text for one pokemon, simple and effective.

    What?” The Grovyle sped in front of Theo, turned to face him and blocked his path. The man froze with the air of someone trying not to make any sudden, threatening movements. Velotus fixed him with a cold glare. “You’re lucky I don’t fight humans. They all turn out to be idiots.” He caught his trainer’s eye. “Most of them.
    I just love those last lines.

    Carrie looked on with Raptola’s terrified cries of, “Do something, do something!” ringing in her ear.
    Raptola, you're still as cute as heck. Let me hug you!!!

    Carrie looked around at her other Pokémon, eyes wide. “Doing something, anyone? Foli? Crescent?”
    I like Carrie's nickname for Foliano

    Ruthless? He’s not ruthless, Kabutops. Just… strong minded.
    The way Foliano defends Velotus, that's so nice x3



    Velotus stared unseeingly at the ground that passed underneath his feet as he walked. He heard the low, gravelly voice of Kabutops from far behind him saying, “If he’s not so bad, why was I told to stop the fight?

    He’s been doing it since we left the town this morning – battling wild Pokémon,” Foliano replied. “My trainer wants him to stop, but he’s…

    Unruly, finished Velotus in his mind.
    Nice argument, the way Velotus finished the sentence was cool too.

    Carrie was the first to break the awkward silence. “Weird colouring,” she muttered. “Well, it’s different.”

    Huh?” cawed the Skarmory, an offended note to his voice.

    “Sometimes you get Pokémon like that,” Theo explained. “A freak change in the DNA, like what happened to Archopy, I think. Except it never gets passed on.”

    Freak?” the bird squawked, incredulous.

    “What does it want, anyway?” Carrie asked, her gaze drifting towards Velotus. Her other Pokémon were ranged around – or clinging to – her, in no position to stop him doing what he had in mind. He observed the Skarmory again as the bird glanced hesitantly from one human to the other. It wasn’t as worthy as two, but a battle with it would be good practice nonetheless.
    That Skarmiry is just such a nice add to the story, it gives life to it. I just hope it will return in another chapter. His search for friendship and respect is so touching.

    Velotus felt as though a part of him had been ripped away. He stood numb with shock before the boiling rage surfaced and directed itself at his trainer. Leaves glinting more dangerously than ever, he leapt across the ground towards her, his fight with the Skarmory insignificant.

    Carrie flinched as his face froze into an expression so cold, so unforgiving, that he utterly failed to acknowledge the fear and apology in his trainer’s eyes. He took a threatening step forwards, hissing, “Is that what you want?

    “No!” she stammered. “I didn –”

    Am I no better than one of them?” he spat.

    Carrie’s face now mirrored the expression of the small Grovyle beside her: desperate, terrified. Too blinded by rage to care, Velotus leapt at her and drew back his blades, ready to slash.

    A petrified squeal from Raptola interrupted the silence of his assault. In that split-second, he saw properly how the young creature clung onto his trainer for dear life. He remembered how much this human meant to him. He realised just what he was doing.

    Suddenly panicking, he urged his blades to retreat as he collided with his trainer in midair, knocking her and Raptola to the ground but not – he hoped – doing any serious harm.
    This is just one of those moments that you can't get your eyes off the screen, it's so exciting. Good job, I could feel the tense in this section

    Her Togetic had apparently acknowledged the expected delay and was occupying herself by flicking her fingers from side to side, chanting chirpily as though summoning a Metronome. For any of Vanessa’s other Pokémon, she would have ordered them to stop, but she trusted that Joy had the sense not to actually release an attack.
    That Togetic is just so cute!!

    *fangirl squeels*

    The rhythmic, “To, gi, to, gi,” from Joy, which showed no signs of petering out, was beginning to get on Vanessa’s nerves. She resisted the urge to order her Pokémon into silence; the Togetic was enjoying herself, not to mention showing a more positive attitude to this inconvenience than her trainer was.

    After a short while of watching the battle unfold in an attempt to relieve her boredom, Vanessa realised that her feet were subconsciously tapping in time with Joy’s rhythm.
    Very cute

    Keeping her quarry within sight, she and Joy made their way across the open ground. She took care to stay a good distance behind them so that, should they look back, she would hopefully remain unnoticed despite her conspicuous choice of clothing. Her shoes, too, were not the most practical for traversing such terrain – though she had at least had the sense not to choose heels – but she refused to let her aching feet bother her. Image was everything.
    This was just such a nice add, describing how bad Vanessa had chosen her attire for this journey. The last sentence was so cool too.

    Her eyes widened in surprise. “Our lead…” she murmured. “How convenient for it to fly alone.” Joy nodded, giving a mischievous squeak coupled with a grin.
    I may be wrong but was this Skarmory the actual reason for her being in this area? If so, that is quite funny actually, she stumbles upon somthing much more worth than a Shiny Skarmory.

    And she knew of an extremely expensive item – a special type of Poké Ball – which would guarantee her success in capturing the one-of-a-kind ancient creature she sought.
    Masterball? Otherwise, it could be something self-invented or a stolen experiment from someone. Teehee! I'm gonna spout some names for the pokeball that she's gonna capture Archopy with (if it is one that you created yourself). Uh... Bio Ball, Nature Ball, Forest Ball, ....

    Joy nodded again but looked a little confused. She pointed over the horizon to where the strangers had gone with a questioning, “Tic?”
    That Joy, she's so huggable.




    ++++++


    Kudos to you for an awesome chapter, and Merry Christmas in a few days!




    +Aimi Hanako+
    Searching for Inspiration...

  12. #112
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    Epic chapter is epic.
    I may have to go and kill something out of spite.

    Shiney Skarmory.. <3 If I were there i'd have caught it myself XD I love Skarm, and especially in shiney form <3

    Vanessa, the maroon devil. She has one of my favourite Dragon types, one of my favourite fighting types, and now one of my favourite steel types.
    And she abuses them >.> *****.
    She's cool though.

    Right then, review time methiniks!

    Theo's kind of just flailing around character wise, it's comparitable to a Magicarp out of water, has it's moments where it may get in a decent choice band flail (Don't ask >.>) but otherwise, it's speedyily useless.
    Basically, he changes from being a moron to having some form of aweomse, REALLY quickly, perhaps too quickly...
    Still, his intervention was a bit random, trying to make up for his mistak albeit... And it's nice to see Velotus interact (ish) with Kabutops, though Kabutops isn't half as cool as Theo's other Pokemon.

    Raptola seems to be a useful device for keeping things on the secretive side, wouldn't wanna ruin his cuteness or make him worry, so we won't talk about certain subjects, i.e Velotus... Nice use of him there ^^

    Velotus is being a pain, as ever recently. Still, he retains his coolness... To a degree.
    I like what's going on with him, he's one of the better developing characters in there, though everyone else is doing fine ^^.

    I was wondering what would happen in reguards to leaf-blade guilt light. Seems it was mentioned, though it seems Carrie is getting over the evolution thing, as it's not as prominent. Whether or not that was your intention remains to be seen.

    Carrie, she can be spiteful can't she? Poor Theo, though I do agree, to a degree, that he needs to realise his mistake, and I think he does now.. ^^

    Shiney Skarmory... <3

    Right, let us get to the point shall we?
    Velotus over a new leaf blade
    Awesome.
    The tension was superb, the description was perfect, you didn't over-describe, in fact, you kept it to a minimum, which in that situation was VEEEERY appropriate, parallelling the emptiness Velotus felt as Carrie's words hollowed him out. (Again, this may not have been your intention but it is what happened).
    The point where she said "You might as well just evolve" was, obviously, VERY powerful, and you coud feel it, mhm yeys.

    then he goes to Leaf Blade her, the HELL? AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! In a kind of horrifying way. I mean seriously, it was tense, it was brilliant, it was an adrenaline rush and then some!
    BEST MOMENT EVER, it was action and emotion fused together, it was fast, then suddenly still.
    It was perfect.

    Ahh the drama, you can really feel it.

    I'd like to note the constant character switching was awesome, and having Vanessa finish off the chapter was pretty damned cool, the way she did so, in regards to Carrie's group was good, as it focused the attention more on the actual journey then the emotion-heavey dripiness that should douse the next chapter.

    (On that point, I like how you've been describing Thunderpunch AS thunderpunch and more elctricly and such, XDDDD, yes, I noticed ^^)

    Back to the perspective thing, much as I love LOVE LOVE 0 the shiney Skarmory...
    It was a bit forced.
    That's how it felt, it felt as though you forced it in there, to open up the master ball option.

    Least the Skarm was funny, in it'sd own confused way... which dissapoints me, because I know that we likely won't see it again..
    So goodbye Skarmory, I LOVE YOU!

    Best,chapter,yet.

    PS:
    Happy Christmas to all the other reviewers out there ^-^!!!
    And to you, elyvorg-von-Colette T. Barbara. (A fictional name)

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
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    They named a game after me?

  13. #113
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    Aimi Hanako - Thanks for putting your laziness aside and reviewing. xP Nice to see that you like Joy; I grew quite fond of her while writing Vanessa's scene this chapter.

    Seriously pleased with how the Velotus-nearly-attacks-Carrie scene was recieved, especially considering that it was an addition which wasn't in my original plan for the chapter. I was originally going to have Carrie say something less extreme and have Velotus realise his hypocrisy that way, but then I decided to make what she said a little more accidentally insulting, and from that, attacking her seemed the logical thing for Velotus to do. Ah yes, I love the way his mind works. xD

    Yup, Vanessa set out thinking she would just be finding and catching a shiny Skarmory, not stalking two trainers across extremely open ground, hence why she didn't exactly dress for it. You're right, the Skarmory is indeed what she was there for in the first place. And the Master Ball is just a Master Ball - no point making up a new kind of Poké Ball if it's going to have exactly the same effect.

    Darkfall - What was it you said on MSN? "Vanessa should have a shiney Pokemon no?"?

    MINDREADER. Mindreader mindreader mindreader.

    Ahem.

    Theo. Crap. CRAP. *bashes head repeatedly on desk* I COMPLETELY forgot about his motives for sending Kabutops out. I guess you could liken it to his eagerness to make up for his mistake, get the battle over with and continue on towards Archopy, but to be honest I just wanted to give Kabutops more out-of-Poké-Ball time. Suppose it's good that it wasn't TOTALLY off and still might have had some kind of reason for it, but yeah.

    *brands the word "MOTIVES" into her brain*

    Though his uselessness at the start was at least intended. He's scared of Velotus. :3

    Btw, your analogies rock. Theo the Magikarp, Velotus the teapot... win. xD

    Yush, Rappy is indeed a useful device. He stopped Velotus from killing Carrie, too, what with his squeal snapping the steaming teapot back into reality.

    Carrie is indeed getting over the evolution thing, though probably mainly because when your strongest Pokémon turns up beaten to a pulp by the thing it hates, it takes priority over anything else going on in your mind. I actually plan to sorta link to it again sometime in the near future, so look forward to that...

    Yeah, I didn't see the point of describing during that scene because well, there was barely anything TO describe, so I just focused on emotions instead. Best moment of the fic so far? Ooh. Yay.

    Yay for Skarmory getting some love. I like him too, 'cause he's all naive and stuff. Forced... I can sorta see why you think that. Though, the Skarmory is Vanessa's "lead", which I hoped might help explain why a random shiny just turns up, and it in turn gives Vanessa a reason to actually be in the area in the first place, but still a bit forced? Advice on how to make possible future random one-time appearances less forced might help. Not that I currently have any planned, but plans change. And get more stuff added to them where they have gaping holes. Yes.

    BARBARA. Fwee. *hands out cans of fizzy pop* :3
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  14. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by elyvorg View Post
    Aimi Hanako - Thanks for putting your laziness aside and reviewing. xP Nice to see that you like Joy; I grew quite fond of her while writing Vanessa's scene this chapter.

    Seriously pleased with how the Velotus-nearly-attacks-Carrie scene was recieved, especially considering that it was an addition which wasn't in my original plan for the chapter. I was originally going to have Carrie say something less extreme and have Velotus realise his hypocrisy that way, but then I decided to make what she said a little more accidentally insulting, and from that, attacking her seemed the logical thing for Velotus to do. Ah yes, I love the way his mind works. xD

    Yup, Vanessa set out thinking she would just be finding and catching a shiny Skarmory, not stalking two trainers across extremely open ground, hence why she didn't exactly dress for it. You're right, the Skarmory is indeed what she was there for in the first place. And the Master Ball is just a Master Ball - no point making up a new kind of Poké Ball if it's going to have exactly the same effect.

    Darkfall - What was it you said on MSN? "Vanessa should have a shiney Pokemon no?"?

    MINDREADER. Mindreader mindreader mindreader.

    Ahem.

    Theo. Crap. CRAP. *bashes head repeatedly on desk* I COMPLETELY forgot about his motives for sending Kabutops out. I guess you could liken it to his eagerness to make up for his mistake, get the battle over with and continue on towards Archopy, but to be honest I just wanted to give Kabutops more out-of-Poké-Ball time. Suppose it's good that it wasn't TOTALLY off and still might have had some kind of reason for it, but yeah.

    *brands the word "MOTIVES" into her brain*

    Though his uselessness at the start was at least intended. He's scared of Velotus. :3

    Btw, your analogies rock. Theo the Magikarp, Velotus the teapot... win. xD

    Yush, Rappy is indeed a useful device. He stopped Velotus from killing Carrie, too, what with his squeal snapping the steaming teapot back into reality.

    Carrie is indeed getting over the evolution thing, though probably mainly because when your strongest Pokémon turns up beaten to a pulp by the thing it hates, it takes priority over anything else going on in your mind. I actually plan to sorta link to it again sometime in the near future, so look forward to that...

    Yeah, I didn't see the point of describing during that scene because well, there was barely anything TO describe, so I just focused on emotions instead. Best moment of the fic so far? Ooh. Yay.

    Yay for Skarmory getting some love. I like him too, 'cause he's all naive and stuff. Forced... I can sorta see why you think that. Though, the Skarmory is Vanessa's "lead", which I hoped might help explain why a random shiny just turns up, and it in turn gives Vanessa a reason to actually be in the area in the first place, but still a bit forced? Advice on how to make possible future random one-time appearances less forced might help. Not that I currently have any planned, but plans change. And get more stuff added to them where they have gaping holes. Yes.

    BARBARA. Fwee. *hands out cans of fizzy pop* :3
    Thought i'd mention that I agree with Aimi, Joy rocks. She's all innocent and cute and dawww <3
    Yeah, I re-read the chapter and Skarmory isn't so random, it was just random that it switched to Skarm, however yeah, it isn't so random and was nicewly done ^^.

    XD, I love the stuff that only we will understand -sups Fizzy pop- You know, you should sprite a Magicarp Theo and a Velotus Teapot XD, thanks ^^

    Banner credit: Jakotsu.
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  15. #115
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    Many apologies for my late review... I've been furiously writing my own chapter so I can get it to you to beta...

    She braced herself as Raptola leapt at her back and clung on. She felt the fresh digging of his tiny claws into her shoulders and sides.
    not even faced with two shining, curved beaks and two pairs of cold yellow eyes so reminiscent of his own.
    but was caught unawares by a flurry of furious pecks
    The "s" in red shouldn't be there.

    Her shoes, too, were not the most practical for traversing such terrain – though she had at least had the sense not to choose heels
    Yeah, unlike someone else we know who actually chose to wear heels

    “It shouldn’t have to be!” she yelled, the words exploding out of her mouth. “If you carry on like this, you might as well just evolve!”

    There was a shattering silence. Everyone turned to stare at Carrie in horror.

    Velotus felt as though a part of him had been ripped away. He stood numb with shock before the boiling rage surfaced and directed itself at his trainer. Leaves glinting more dangerously than ever, he leapt across the ground towards her, his fight with the Skarmory insignificant.

    Carrie flinched as his face froze into an expression so cold, so unforgiving, that he utterly failed to acknowledge the fear and apology in his trainer’s eyes. He took a threatening step forwards, hissing, “Is that what you want?”

    “No!” she stammered. “I didn –”

    “Am I no better than one of them?” he spat.

    Carrie’s face now mirrored the expression of the small Grovyle beside her: desperate, terrified. Too blinded by rage to care, Velotus leapt at her and drew back his blades, ready to slash.

    A petrified squeal from Raptola interrupted the silence of his assault. In that split-second, he saw properly how the young creature clung onto his trainer for dear life. He remembered how much this human meant to him. He realised just what he was doing.

    Suddenly panicking, he urged his blades to retreat as he collided with his trainer in midair, knocking her and Raptola to the ground but not – he hoped – doing any serious harm.
    Arguably the best scene this chapter. There's a certain - raw intensity about it all, with Velotus losing self control over Carrie's statement about evolution. And in a fit of blind rage, he almost kills her. It's the type of scene that really grabs your attention and refuses to let go. And perhaps now, we'll see a bit of change in Velotus' behavior, based on his realization:
    He was a hypocrite, and he realised it now. Whether Carrie had meant what she had said or not, she had been right: his actions were no better than those of his evolved form.
    And about that shiny Skarmory- I can't help but feel sorry for it. It's ostracized from its flock, and it just wanted a caring trainer to raise it. Then it gets the wrong impression of Carrie from Velotus' behavior. And now it's in the hands of Vanessa, who truly doesn't give a damn about it, aside from its monetary value. Something tells me we haven't seen the last of it, though...

    Another great chapter, but the scene with Velotus attacking Carrie added a bit of intensity (and possible character development) that especially makes this one stand out.

  16. #116
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    So! I read it, after much poking by Lunar Espeon. And here comes the ultra-long-review-of-doom. ("Ultra-long" as in "longer than an average chapter of my own fic", in fact. o.O)

    Brief explanation of this review format: basically, I read through the entire story, chapter by chapter, noting down whatever comes to mind as I'm reading, then stop after each chapter and summarize my feelings or concerns about the story at that point. Move on to next chapter, repeat. So don't be surprised if I criticize something in early chapters that you've already fixed in the later ones or that other reviewers already mentioned - it's mostly thought of as a way of showing you what a reader like me is thinking while reading your story until it comes to the main summary at the end.


    Prologue:

    She was safe; They could not pursue her now.
    This threw me off a little bit, because it looked like an accidental capitalization there with the semicolon before it. I think it would be best to split this into two sentences with a period and then let the capitalization of Them be revealed in the next sentence, where it's much clearer that the capitalization is indeed intentional.

    Admittedly, I think the way you capitalize every instance of the pronoun "they" referring to the Sceptile (yes, that's rather obvious) is a little odd. Maybe capitalize it where it replaces "the Sceptile", but not where you would be using the pronoun anyway? I'm not really sure, though. :/

    They had spared her, for she was a child, so much like Their own children in so many ways. Yet she differed completely from Them now.
    This sounds very awkward. I think it would sound better as something like, "They had spared her, for she was a child, so much like their own children at the time. But not anymore." Or something in that direction, anyway. "Yet she differed completely from Them now" just sounds odd.

    As she had grown up, she had noticed fewer and fewer others like her, far more like Them.
    I think this needs to be "fewer and fewer others like her and far more like Them".

    Eventually, there came a point where she knew, she simply knew in her heart that her and her mate were the last pair.
    Should be "she and her mate". You wouldn't say "her was the last pair", and thus you wouldn't say "her and her made were the last pair", either.

    Then They had come, and had taken his life.
    Should be either "Then They had come and taken his life" or "Then They had come, and they had taken his life."

    Now, I'm very curious as to why the Sceptile would see any point in systematically murdering Archopy. Will it really help them at all? Or is it just a matter of "Let's kill them because they're different"? In that case, why didn't the Archopy kill the first Sceptile when it was born (since the implication, after all, is that Sceptile is the new final form evolution that's come into existence while Archopy used to be dominant)? The only possible explanation that comes to mind is that the Sceptile are just brutal and evil by nature and Archopy peaceful, but I really, really hope that's not it.


    Chapter 1:

    High up in the boughs of a tree sat a girl in her mid teens.
    Ought to be "mid-teens", I believe.

    The tree was smooth-barked and quite young; just big enough to take her weight comfortably.
    You can't use a semicolon there because on either side of a semicolon there should be a complete sentence and "just big enough to take her weight comfortably" is not a complete sentence.

    I have to say, Carrie is literally the first main character I've ever seen who has more than one of the same species of Pokémon, heh.

    Only three-on-three though
    Comma before "though".

    Hmm. I have to say I'm really not overly fond of some of your Pokémon descriptions. They're awfully long and listy. Take this one:

    The light took the shape of a long-legged, quadrupedal beast-like creature. His lithe body was white, with a patch of long fur from the neck down. The toes, three on each wide foot, were black and clawed. The top and left of his black face was coated in white fur too, and a curved black scythe extended from the right of it. Another scythe as a tail completed the look. An Absol.
    Here you spend five whole sentences having nothing happen at all, just so you can tell readers what an Absol looks like. Imagine I wrote a novel containing a description like this:

    A small, quadrupedal creature walked in through the door. His body was covered with gray fur with black stripes and dots lining it vertically across his body. On his front legs he had five toes but on his hind legs only four. On his head he had two somewhat triangular ears, and white whiskers sprouted out of the sides of his muzzle. A striped tail stood straight up from his rear, curling a little at the top. A cat.
    This is what is actually happening during this scene: some unidentified, shadowed creature walks in through the door, the frame freezes while some vague images are gradually filled into the space the shadow occupies, perhaps and perhaps not succeeding in informing the reader that it's a cat before the final confirmation comes along, and then finally the story moves on. You do not want to freeze your storyline while you're describing the appearance of a creature your readers will almost definitely already recognize, and even if they didn't recognize it, your description would not actually tell them what an Absol looks like anyway because they can only truly know that if they see a picture of it. Instead of that long-winded paragraph I wrote above, I could have done this:

    A tabby cat walked in through the door.
    And it would tell the reader the exact same thing, just in fewer words and without freezing the frame.

    You could for example describe the Absol coming out of the Pokéball as "The light took the shape of a white, long-legged beast with a curved black scythe extending from the side of its head." This will bring up the image of an Absol just as soon if not sooner than your description, it contains the very basic, most important features of Absol that a reader unfamiliar with the Pokémon should at least know of to understand the battle, and most importantly, it is only one sentence long, and in that sentence something is happening - the Absol is forming. In the very next sentence you can then go on to make the Absol (or somebody else) actually do something instead of standing around waiting for the description to be finished. In fact, you could technically describe it as simply "The light took the shape of an Absol", and just mention the most important featurs of it as they come into play: "The Absol swung the curved blade on the side of his head, striking the Nidorino with it," say, or "Crescent swished his scythe-like tail threateningly." If the reader doesn't know what an Absol looks like already (which is very unlikely, as a matter of fact), he will at least know enough to be able to tell what's going on, which is the most important thing. Of course, you may also want to describe specific features of them for other reasons, such as to emphasize the difference between the four Grovyle, and that's fine. But still don't make it too long, and try to make something happen in those sentences you use for description so that you won't get freeze-frame syndrome.

    But that was a long detour. I'll return to reading now.

    The Poison type winced
    Here you're actually saying that the type of Poison itself winced. You want to hyphenate it as "Poison-type".

    at the furry chest of Crescent
    Because Crescent is a character, this should be "at Crescent's furry chest". One of the more obscure grammatical rules, but you use "the x of y" when referring to inanimate objects or occasionally animals in the sense of a species, and "y's x" when referring to a person or animal as an individual. Here Crescent is a name given to a specific character, and then the reference falls within the latter category.

    Once again Crescent concentrated, this time forming a sphere of dark matter from his mouth which grew with passing time.
    "With passing time" sounds very odd here; it seems to give the impression of a much longer time than you're trying to imply. I suggest you reword that.

    As I read more, I see that some of the later Pokémon descriptions in the chapter are a significant improvement over the Absol one, which is good.

    Forcing Carrie to forfeit the battle at the end was nice. It was pleasantly surprising to see something tear her out of the painfully ordinary right in chapter one.


    Chapter 2:

    Ooh, I love the writing in the newly-evolved Archopy's part. :3 And I loved the beginning of it, too - first I thought it was actually a flashback and that you were going to tell the full story of the Archopy in the prologue in reverse chronological order (which admittedly would have been interesting), but then it turned out to be another Grovyle. It was neat. On the other hand, it's making me even more concerned that the story seems to be demonizing Sceptile as cruel and evil creatures by nature.

    Immense wings, large pastel green leaves instead of feathers whooshed through the air
    This should be something more like "Immense wings, made of large pastel green leaves instead of feathers, whooshed through the air".

    Much, much better description than that Absol one I quoted from chapter one, by the way. You managed to describe the fake Pokémon in three sentences that all have something happening in them. Always do this. It was great.

    The words you use when Velotus says that the Archopy evolved from a Grovyle (stuff like "hissed" and "fierce") make it sound like he's really ****** off about it. o_O Which seems odd. Not sure if that's what you intended and just nobody noticed it, or if you were going for making him sound more impressed, in which case you ought to use more appropriate words for that.

    The Sceptile description goes back to being a bit listy, although of course here Carrie is specifically thinking of each of its features so you have good reason to be mentioning all of it. I still think it could be spiced up a little in some way, describing more of her personal opinions of everything about it.

    Kudos on giving Carrie an actual reason to be repulsed by Sceptile, though. I was getting afraid you'd just made her hate them and think they were ugly because you do.

    Though Carrie rarely spoke about Sceptile to them, Velotus and Ivyx had informed her that upon evolution, a Sceptile was generally so pleased with the sudden abundance of spiked objects on its body that it became insanely arrogant. Added to that there was the apparent role of “Forest Protector” that they seemed to think they and they alone held which caused them to go about their lives as if they owned the place and could do what they wanted. It was murder trying to live in the same forest with them. Or so said Velotus.
    This, though, is demonizing if I ever saw it. It makes no sense to automatically become arrogant because of "the sudden abundance of spiked objects" on your body. I can see Sceptile possibly having a kind of cultural superiority complex, having become an elite of sorts in a society of all three forms of the Treecko family so that all of them are from birth raised in the assumption that Sceptile are superior to Treecko and Grovyle. The Grovyle would then, thinking of evolution as a kind of ultimate goal, easily reinforce this by being very proud of it once they do evolve. But if Grovyle's general view of evolution is that of Velotus and Ivyx, it makes absolutely no sense for them to suddenly upon evolution become all arrogant about being Sceptile, especially not for as lame a reason as "Oh, I've got spiked stuff on my body! THIS MEANS I AM INFINITELY SUPERIOR AND NOW LET'S KILL EVERYONE ELSE!" Really, I like Grovyle's design more than Sceptile's too, but is there any need to decide that they're inherently dumb and evil and arrogant and bloodthirsty too? I mean, feel free to make the Grovyle prejudiced against them because of considering them ugly or because of a particular group of them that have taken over the forest and are arrogant and violent, but so far this really isn't sounding like pure prejudice on their part, especially because of the prologue and because the fact that your personal hatred for Sceptile reaches such extents as refusing to type its name makes me doubt that you would specifically redeem the Sceptile later or show that the Grovyle were wrong all along. And well, I find this quite worrying. Practically everybody else who has reviewed so far seems to hate Sceptile as well, so maybe that's why they don't seem to mind. As it is, I can't really help thinking "Serious character bashing".

    Otherwise, it was a nice chapter, definitely highlighted by the beginning scene and Archopy's appearance. Making her father a ranger was a nice touch.


    Chapter 3:

    One sharp yellow eye peered out from between a gap in the branches as the human passed by below.
    This sentence sounds odd because everything preceding it is from Ivyx's point of view, but this sentence has "one sharp yellow eye" showing between branches - i.e. it sounds like it's from the point of view of someone standing on the other side looking at her. Because of this, my first impression of this sentence was in fact that something else with yellow eyes was in the branches on the other side of the human's path. "She peered out" would solve this problem.

    On his head was a ruffled brown patch of fur – no wait, what did they call that again? – hair. He was wearing clothes of varying shades of brown too, and was carrying on his back a large – very large, big enough to fit two Grovyle in with room to spare – beige rucksack.
    I really can't help wondering why Ivyx would have a hard time remembering a word like "hair" but not even need to think before using "rucksack". Surely rucksacks are dramatically less familiar to a Grovyle than hair. In fact, since she isn't thinking in English, it's kind of funny she'd have a word for "rucksack" at all, but we can let that slide for the sake of the story as long as you're not attempting to make it sound like the Grovyle is thinking of the actual words, which you do with the hair bit. Personally, I'd just ditch the confusion over the word "hair". It isn't particularly amusing and just disrupts the prose.

    "MemorCorp" is a really odd name; my mouth, at least, really wants to insert a vowel somewhere between "r" and "C". The first thing I think if when I see it is that it has to do with "Memory" and that basically they took the Grovyle and gave it the memories of the fossilized Archopy from the prologue, but why make it "Memor"? It really doesn't cloud the "Memory" implication much, if that's what it was meant to be. :/

    Foliano raised his eyebrows and poked her playfully. She poked back.
    Haha, I love this. Those two are seriously cute together. x3

    So wait... exactly why are they going to break into the lab? Theo's been managing to speak to Milo on the phone, after all - why on earth can't Carrie do that too? This really feels like just an excuse to have them do something dangerous and exciting, to be honest. This could be remedied by simply inventing a reason Milo wouldn't be able to talk to Theo anymore. Also, it seems extremely odd that MemorCorp would keep track of who Milo meets, but not of his phone. o_O Maybe just have him have discovered a loophole in their security which they then closed upon discovering it?

    Heh. I'm getting the feeling I'm the only person who isn't gushing over Raptola. He can be cute and all and I like his thing for being on Carrie's back, but overall he pretty much just seems like every other baby Pokémon I've ever read about. I find Velotus heaps more interesting, and so far he's definitely my favorite Grovyle. In fact, Raptola probably comes last. I was never that fond of babies.

    ...and now I notice that DarkPersian479 had my exact concerns about Ivyx knowing what a "rucksack" is but not what "hair" is. Yeah, you should definitely do something about that.

    Actually, in response to some of the other reviews, I really like the way your characters' personalities are shown so far. I don't think one needs to be able to think of a set of words to sum up a character to know what they're like. I've got somewhat of a feel for all of them by now, anyway, and that's enough for me.

    Since I noticed you wondered if I hated Scizor: no, not really. I prefer Scyther by miles, and wouldn't dream of evolving one myself other than strictly for Pokédex-completion, but Scizor itself I'm now really just rather indifferent about. In fact I used to hate Sceptile too, but I really kind of just grew out of hating things based on their design a couple of years ago. Now I only hate Bibarel. :P And my disliking for Scizor never came anywhere near the extent to which you apparently hate Sceptile, I might add.

    Anyway, let's get to the next chapter. Or rather, it's nearly six AM, so I'll get to the next chapter tomorrow, but it won't make any difference to you since I'm posting it all at once.


    Chapter 4:

    Congratulations, you managed to make me dream about Grovyle. Sadly I can't really remember what happened in it, except it had Grovyle, and I'm pretty sure where that came from.

    Love the Milo scene, especially the part where he starts looking at his reflection in the computer screen. Yay for decent excuses to describe people. I can really see him doing that here so it doesn't feel out of place like so many self-description scenes.

    Squinting at the DNA before him, he attempted to identify those of sub-par quality; those that would not be suitable for development into embryos.
    Again, incorrect semicolon usage. Maybe "he attempted to identify those of sub-par quality that would not be suitable for development into embryos" or "he attempted to identify those of sub-par quality; those would not be suitable for development into embryos" or something like that.

    The female Grovyle’s voice sounded as light as the swishing of branches in the breeze.
    This simile really is rather cheesy and nonsensical. :/ It also sounds extremely out of place. You should just say it sounded light if that's what you're trying to say.

    Carrie and Theo however
    Comma before "however".

    no more than a couple of metres large
    Very odd wording, since a meter is a unit of length, not area. o_O "No more than a couple of metres across" would sound better.

    Ivyx crept through eagerly to scout out the building beyond, leaving the two people and their Espeon standing silently, nervously in the tiny prison.
    Isn't it a bit odd to call Empathy "their" Espeon? He's just Carrie's, after all.

    “It’s clear,” came her silky voice. “I went a little way in both directions – there are no guards, but I had to break a couple of…” she trailed off, looking for the right word.

    “Cameras,” Carrie finished, for both Ivyx’s and Theo’s sake, too on edge to bother hiding the fact she could understand her Pokémon’s language.
    But wait, isn't all Theo hears some random "Grov grovyle!" and then Carrie randomly saying "Cameras"? He can't know she was saying she broke them, so clarifying that one word won't help Theo much.

    God, I love the scene with Foliano, Kabutops and Velotus threatening the guards. Everything about it. Especially the portrayal of the guards' fear and Velotus delighting in it. Freaking yes. <3 Did you write this scene specifically to melt me or something? Seriously, I can't fangirl this scene too much. You've won me over for good. Also much Velotus love.

    The chapter was very nice, although I found the detour about what they would do about locked doors a little odd since they just tried to have Empathy open it and that was it. Kind of anticlimatic, because the buildup seemed to be implying they'd have to think of something particularly ingenious - I think it would work better if they had only thought about the possibility of Ivyx opening the door, she had tried but failed, and then as they had no idea what they could do, Empathy would do it. I would at least personally not have thought of having Empathy open locked doors if I were Carrie.

    I can't help noticing, though, that Empathy seems to be able to do practically anything. Make Growlithe's flames disappear? No problem. Mind-control some guards? No problem. Pick a lock? No problem. He's coming across as sort of omnipotent at the moment, and this can be a very dangerous thing - making a character for whom too much is possible means that you'll have a very difficult time getting them into any real trouble without conveniently forgetting about some of the character's abilities while they're in that trouble. You should try to make his abilities come across as something more limited than they seem like right now.


    Chapter 5:

    Nice one to have Ivyx forget to disable one of the cameras. It makes her fallible.

    Saying all living creatures are "made up of DNA" isn't really true, so you should change that. Just a minor nitpick.

    More than 90% of the DNA for Butterfree and Beautifly would probably be the same, I'd think. After all, we all know humans and chimpanzees share some number ranging from 96% to 99% depending on your source of their DNA, and it seems to me that Butterfree and Beautifly would be even more similar. But perhaps Pokémon are more complicated and have more DNA for those details that are different...

    Now, unfortunately, your genetics seem awfully shaky now that we get to the technical stuff. Firstly it is extremely far-fetched that the entire genetic coding for Sceptile can somehow be dominant while the entire coding for Archopy is recessive. An individual gene is dominant or recessive, don't forget - it would be one hell of a coincidence for both enough mutations to happen in some individual to change Archopy to a Sceptile and for all of the Sceptile genes to happen to be dominant over the Archopy genes.

    Secondly, even if the difference between Archopy and Sceptile were only a matter of genes on one chromosome, you fail to mention that a Sceptile would have to be a pure Sceptile (i.e. it has the Sceptile genes in both positions on the final evolution locus, which would only happen to the first Sceptile if all of the Sceptile-inducing mutations happened twice to the same genes on two different chromosomes, as a matter of fact) for all of its offspring with an Archopy to end up as Sceptile, and even then, the resulting Sceptile would definitely be hybrids, whose own offspring with an Archopy would only have a 50% chance of having the Sceptile genes. Even the offspring of two hybrid Sceptile has a 25% chance of evolving into an Archopy. The dominant gene doesn't overwrite the recessive one - it just makes its existence apparent on the resulting individual while the recessive gene does not (while it may still be passed on to the individual's offspring). And that's only on the assumption that the difference between the two evolutions lies in only one chromosome - if it were spread over multiple ones, you'd have individuals with some Sceptile genes and some Archopy genes.

    Additionally it seems extremely odd to me that any Archopy in their right minds would have mated with Sceptile, especially when they'd already shown themselves to be brutal killers murdering other Archopy on sight. Unless you've made the Sceptile into genetically-defined rapists as well.

    Aaand I was right about MemorCorp.

    So okay, if MemorCorp wants to see the memories of ancient Pokémon, why are they cloning them at all? They can extract the memories out of the fossil using Psychic Pokémon already, apparently; how come they can't just watch them directly instead of implanting the memories into a foetus first? Seems awfully impractical, and I can't really think of a reason for them to be able to watch the clone reliving the memories but not the memories when the Psychic Pokémon have just extracted them. Then again, I don't know exactly how it works.

    At the end of the chapter, what I was thinking about was what utter insensitive shits they all are to stand there looking at the poor Sceptile and then just leaving. Seriously, does the fact it's now a Sceptile mean they don't want to help it anymore to escape from these torturous tests? Oh, wait, Sceptile are inherently evil. I guess it deserves it now. I mean, now that it's got sharp objects (kind of like that needle that was in its arm, which of course it will be marvelously proud of having on its own body) on its arms it's suddenly mean and arrogant, so leaving it to be subjected to nasty tests is perfectly fine.

    Why did they need to evolve that Treecko, though? They weren't getting any memories from it nor making it relive any memories, and they can get the genes for all three stages from any one of them, so they wouldn't have needed to give it anything that accelerated evolution. You could say that they were just being lazy and giving it the same stuff they were giving all the other Pokémon instead of specifically giving it only sedatives, but really, why didn't they just release it, then? And I don't believe any chemicals that accelerate and force evolution can be cheap enough to waste on some random Pokémon just because they can't be bothered to administer a special mixture just for that one.

    Here's to hoping Grace White has some very high and understandable ideals. Actually, I do like that the scientists use the Pokémon to see ancient memories, because that is some pretty damned invaluable research, so you're doing pretty well in the understandable villain motives department so far. However (like Darkfall later mentions), it seems very odd that MemorCorp is so paranoid about information getting out that they keep track of who Milo meets, and yet Grace doesn't really care about a few intruders getting in and gaining access to confidential information.

    I don't know about real life geneticists altering DNA, but in the Pokémon universe they definitely can. I shall say no more on that subject...
    Please don't tell me you're going to have one of Carrie's Grovyle's genes altered to evolve into Archopy or something. Genes do not work that way.

    Of course, this may just be me being paranoid, and in fact some scientists are just going to be trying to create Treecko that will evolve into Archopy, which on the other hand would work.


    Chapter 6:

    And Carrie feels all guilty about having made the Grovyle evolve a bit sooner than otherwise while not feeling at all guilty about leaving the Sceptile there completely helpless. Yes, this irritated me a lot. Could you tell?

    So yay, a goal for the story has been set. Sounds like it could be interesting.

    So um, why don't the Grovyle translate for Carrie what the Breloom told Crescent? Or is this a fic where not all Pokémon can understand one another? In that case, why isn't Crescent attempting to indicate the answer somehow to Carrie? Or did Crescent just ask it about the weather or something and not what they were running from? In fact we never find out what the heck Crescent was asking it about.

    Carrie is starting to annoy me in all sorts of little scenes, like the one in this chapter where she cut Theo off after he'd said like a sentence or two and started randomly mocking him. That was seriously uncalled for. :/


    Chapter 7:

    ...wait, what? Pokémon are never evil by themselves? Tell that to Archopy from the prologue. There were no humans telling those Sceptile to go around murdering Archopy, but they did anyway. :/ Besides, as long as Pokémon have the ability to make conscious decisions, they can be "evil" every bit as much as they can be "good", so the whole saying is nonsense anyway. Koffing said it in an episode, yes, but in the context it meant "A Pokémon that has a bad trainer isn't necessarily bad", not "A Pokémon that does not have a bad trainer can't do bad things".

    Why is Carrie thinking she did anything similar to what that trainer did? She didn't force that Grovyle to evolve because she wanted it to and didn't care that it didn't want it - she accidentally, in the full faith she was doing a good thing, caused something else to force Grovyle to evolve. If she's going to condemn the trainer, it does not make her a hypocrite and she of all people should be quick to note the difference between them.

    Of course, I hope I won't have to repeat myself on how ridiculous it is that a Grovyle who didn't want to evolve would be perfectly content with it (to the point of insulting unevolved Grovyle) when it's actually become a Sceptile. Of course, maybe the whole "Aiden forced it to evolve" thing is maybe just Carrie's prejudice.

    Ugh. Aiden sounds far too much like Standard Evil Insensitive Trainer (tm). Like somebody we'd see in the animé who is redeemed at the end of the episode after Ash makes some heartfelt speech and his Pokémon save his life or something like that. He needs to be fleshed out a little more beyond the stereotype.

    I'm kind of torn on Aiden's "Damn worthless thing didn't know anything anyway." Instead of saying "It didn't know anything about flying reptiles anyway" or something like that like many stories do, he says something a bit less conspicuous; my first assumption when he said it was actually that he meant "It was weak and didn't know any decent moves so it wasn't worth training against", which he could assume would be the interpretation the people he met would put into it if he said it. When I read the sentence again it feels more like a case of The Villain Lets Something Important Slip Due to Pure Stupidity (tm), though, and my initial reaction may just have been me being slow at the moment. Then again somebody who reviewed thought that too.

    I'm looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with Theo's Anorith, though. So many possibilities...


    Chapter 8:

    And here's Sceptile, being obviously evil even when his trainer is not telling him to and in fact deciding he'll drive a species extinct just because he can. Apparently that "Pokémon are only evil when their trainers are evil" thing was just some crap that Carrie believes for some weird reason but isn't really true. Which is fair enough, I suppose, considering I complained about its inclusion earlier.

    Does Velotus have something personal in particular against Sceptile that the other Grovyle don't, by the way, or is it just that he's more aggressive than them?

    Carrie's dream sequence reeks of some serious paranoia. Seriously, what part of "meant to prevent it from evolving" does she think her Grovyle won't understand? o_O

    So uh, during this battle between Velotus and Sceptile, is none of what they're doing waking up Aiden? Or is he far away? The description wasn't really clear on that. If so, why is the Sceptile sleeping so far away from his trainer?

    Velotus is love, though. And I love how he was defeated. It will be interesting to see how his character develops as a result of this. The battle was very nicely written with action throughout. Very nice chapter.

    Noticing that lots of people complained about the way the dream was written, I have to say I actually thought it wasn't really confusing enough. It's too neatly paragraphed, for one. Paragraphs ordinarily separate different topics, but in a dream the topics all get kind of mixed up, so a dream sequence is the perfect place to cut down on the paragraphing. Periods, to a lesser extent, also separate topics, and thus a dream sequence can be made more dream-like by having longer and more disorganized sentences, even intentional run-ons. I think the dream would work much better, for me at least, if it were written in fewer but longer paragraphs and sentences.


    Chapter 9:

    A pair of claws poked her gently in the arm. Foliano had appeared by Carrie’s side, concern on his face. “Pokémon Centre,” he told her softly.

    “No… I don’t need…” Velotus managed to growl between juddering breaths.

    The other Grovyle looked him calmly in the eye. “You do.”
    For some reason I really adored this scene in particular, but I love Velotus's entrance here in general.

    I like the opening of the waiting room scene, where she describes how torturous it is to wait. It's nice to notice stuff like that.

    Not finding herself occupied with looking around, Carrie fixed her eyes once more on the small, bold sign hanging directly above her. She stared at it blankly for a few moments, then a vague thought floated through her head. Why was there a sign telling her she was in a waiting room when she already knew?
    Especially this part. Awesome moment there.

    “Yes?” Carrie snapped, not knowing whether the nurse’s smile was genuine or a mask worn to sugar-coat bad news.
    And that.

    Carrie could have strangled the woman. She had been desperately awaiting a verdict on Velotus’ condition, and the nurse had to leave her hanging for a few more moments. Couldn’t she have at least mentioned it?
    And that. Mwahahaha, evil nurse.

    She was struck by the glaring whiteness of the walls; the large, oblong room reminded her unnervingly of MemorCorp.
    And that. What are you talking about, saying this chapter is bad? I'm loving it to bits so far.

    And the drip scene - oh, dear, I love that part. I'm starting to like Carrie again just for that. I love how you're dealing with her emotions in the situation. Hell, this might be my favorite chapter yet, believe it or not. Yeah, I know the feeling of having readers who love some chapter I think was horrible and you're probably weirded out, but honestly.

    It was empty at such an early hour, unlike the Pokémon Centre, identically styled but with a striking red roof.
    This sounds very awkward. I suggest incorporating the part about the Pokémart being in the same style as the Pokémon Center and the Pokémon Center's red roof into the description of the Pokémart.

    Otherwise, I actually really loved this chapter. I think it has the best characterization for Carrie ever so far, and I really wanted to hug Velotus at the beginning. I had to reread the part about Empathy showing Carrie that Theo wanted to talk to her, though, to actually get it. Might want to clarify that a little better.


    Chapter 10:

    I said I was looking forward to Velotus' developments, and I was not disappointed. His obsession with training himself to one day defeat that Sceptile is a natural consequence of his humiliating defeat.

    Vanessa seems somewhat interesting, if a little stereotypical from the little we've seen of her (this time it's the Trainer Who Only Cares About Rare Pokémon (tm)). It will be nice to see what she is going to do later on.

    Otherwise there wasn't much happening in this chapter.

    Oh, and although English expressions are really not my thing, I'm pretty sure that the expression must be "to rein in", not "to reign in". Reigning, after all, is ruling something, while I presume you meant to try to keep him in line, which at least would make far more sense as "to rein in". Then again, English rarely makes sense.


    Chapter 11:

    Though the humans and most of the Pokémon in the area had halted
    Most of the Pokémon in the area? So there are other Pokémon they can see in the area, but which Velotus didn't attack? Or were you just trying to reference Carrie's Pokémon?

    Heh. The shiny Skarmory's point of view was nice. It shows us why he in particular would leave the flock of Skarmory, which is a very good way to precede a shiny appearance.

    As the bird screeched in pain, Velotus marvelled at how something so naďve made such an easy target.
    I am in love with the sheer insensitivity of this line.

    Heh, I really feel sorry for that Skarmory. Completely the wrong moment to have his first first-hand experience of Pokémon trainers, isn't it?

    And poor Velotus and his self-doubt. I still want to hug him.

    After a short while of watching the battle unfold in an attempt to relieve her boredom, Vanessa realised that her feet were subconsciously tapping in time with Joy’s rhythm.
    x3 It does feel a little bit random, though. Maybe connect it a little better with the paragraphs before and after it...

    And Vanessa caught the Skarmory, as I kind of expected when it appeared. Poor thing. I have a feeling whoever he is sold to will appear again, though, or you probably wouldn't have bothered with an entire POV scene with him... or would you? Hmm, your reply to Darkfall doesn't seem to imply he's going to appear again. Oh, well.


    Ahem. So. I finished. Yay for that. You can put me on the PM list.

    The story is intriguing, nicely written and with some lovely characters, but as you can probably tell already, my main problem with it is that your attitude towards Sceptile bugs the hell out of me. Yeah, you hate its design, and I don't like it either, but please, everything about Sceptile in the story is just so painfully one-sided, biased and prejudiced that it seriously detracts from it. You almost seem to be delighting in your own hatred, what with making up 'facts' about Sceptile out of nothing seemingly specifically so that you can have more reasons to despise its entire species and how you are apparently ready to ignore common sense just to be able to say that there is no such thing as a good Sceptile.

    There are entire chapters at a time where I can forget your bias and just think of it as a prejudiced opinion held by the Grovyle and incidentally Carrie as well and that Aiden's Sceptile is just one individual, but there are other scenes where it seems to be clear that in your world, Sceptile just are naturally the scum of the Earth, shouldn't even rightfully exist, have absolutely no redeeming features, and don't even deserve to be saved out of horrible conditions because the moment they began to evolve they are irredeemable, arrogant killers. Now, I'm sorry if in fact you've got a whole clan of Sceptile good guys and morals about prejudice and hatred just around the corner, but I can't help thinking that's awfully unlikely to happen. I mean, you refuse to even type out Sceptile's name. I have a hard time picturing you specifically redeeming them in your fanfic.

    Okay, you know, honestly? Part of it is that aside from any impact on the story's literary merit, I actually find the whole Sceptile-bashing thing downright disturbing. But I'm not going to go into detail on that because I'm not here to challenge your personal opinions; I'm just reviewing your fanfiction. And your fanfiction is good. I found it very enjoyable on the whole, I like the characters, the writing is good, the descriptions are very nicely done (the improvement since chapter one is marvellous). Grovyle is one of my favorite Pokémon, and I also think it looks far better than Sceptile. I've been thinking about trying to draw an Archopy at some point (her scenes are especially well done). But you need to do more research on genetics before attempting to explain something in genetics, and personally I really, really think you ought to cut off on the character bashing when it comes to things like announcing that Sceptile automatically become arrogant and violent when they evolve.

    But since you're not into modifying anything beyond your spelling, grammar and punctuation, I know you won't. And I'll stop going on about it and letting it grate my nerves too much. I'll try to resist the urge to comment on it in future chapters, and I hope my long-winded rant here isn't coming off as too much of a personal attack because it's honestly not meant to be. But damn, did it bother me, and I think you have a right to know that.

    Velotus is awesome and I want to see more of him. The Archopy-scenes are awesome and I want to see more of them too. Foliano and Ivyx have one of the cutest relationships ever and I'd seriously want to see more of that. The plot is intriguing so far, although it has its holes. So yeah, I hope this ultra-long-review-of-doom told you something of worth, and I'm looking forward to chapter 12. (Really. Reading the Sceptile rant again, I sound like I hate this fic, but please focus more on those comments where I was gushing about how much I loved other parts of it, because I focus more on that too. It's just that I get much wordier when I'm ranting about the negatives.)

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  17. #117
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    Default Chapter 12: Turning Soft

    I didn't ignore the reviews, just procrastinated like hell from actually replying to them. Spoilered the reply for the people who just want to get to the chapter.

        Spoiler:



    Yes, that's right, there IS a new chapter. I could blame Christmas for providing me with a number of distractions, or I could blame Dragonfree's review for unwillingly making a small part of me briefly think this fic sucks and I should just give up on it, but it's mostly down to me and plain old procrastination. It'll be a little while before chapters start coming out more regularly again, as I haven't yet quite got back into my rhythm of completing the following chapter before posting the current one.

    Anyway.

    Chapter 12: Turning Soft

    Carrie stared at the distant figure of Velotus, her mouth hanging open, lost for words. She slowly stood up, brushing herself off, before turning to check if Raptola was okay. The young Grovyle gazed up at her, his confused eyes full of fear. “Why did he do that?

    Carrie bent down and picked Raptola up around his middle, allowing him to clamber over her shoulder to his usual position. “Because…” She took a deep breath upon remembering her words, Velotus’ furious face and his attack. “I said something bad.”

    In the distance, Velotus disappeared from sight through a cave entrance higher up on the slope. Carrie fixed her eyes on the location, determined not to lose sight of it. “I’ve got to talk to him,” she finished.

    Taking everyone by surprise, she set off at full pelt, running over the rugged ground towards the cave. Her Pokémon easily drew level; Theo, however, was hampered by her head start. “Why the big rush?” he yelled over the gap between them.

    “Same reason as before,” she called back. “Sooner I find Velotus, sooner you get back to fixing your mistake.”

    Running with long, loping strides beside her, Crescent tilted his head towards his trainer. “Abs? Absol?”

    Carrie guessed at his vague meaning. “Yes, Crescent, I am going to find him,” she said, somewhat snappily. “I know he’s not exactly your best friend right now, and I know he attacked me, but he’s still Velotus.”

    Or close enough, anyway, she added in her mind. He was slipping towards something unrecognisable, that was for sure. How much longer until Velotus was a total stranger to her?

    Did you mean it?” Ivyx’s soft voice from close behind drew Carrie out of her thoughts. Still running, she turned her head clumsily and saw the Grovyle’s wide-eyed expression, along with a hint of something which may have been fear. “Did you mean it?” Ivyx repeated.

    “No,” Carrie replied with as much sincerity as she could muster. “It just came out. But much more of this and I might have done. I don’t know.”

    Unable to hold her Pokémon’s gaze and needing to see where she was going, she turned her head forwards and saw that they had nearly reached the cave. Raptola let out a warning cry as she approached the entrance, making her duck and narrowly miss an overhead rock. She stumbled into the cavern, disorientated by the sudden near darkness, and performed an ungainly skid across the rough stone floor before slowing to a halt. Panting for breath, she waited for her eyes to become accustomed to the gloom as Raptola jumped off her back, apparently unhurt.

    The first thing she noticed was Velotus sitting on a rock almost directly ahead and determinedly not looking at her. She turned and saw the silhouettes of her other Pokémon enter the cave. It was comfortably big enough to fit all of them in, including Theo and Kabutops, who brought up the rear. The man ducked under the protruding rock at the entrance and straightened up, his hair brushing the roof of the cavern.

    Satisfied that everyone was there, Carrie faced Velotus again. The Grovyle’s unmoving gaze was fixed defiantly on the rocky ceiling. She took a few deep breaths, knowing that her clumsy entrance was not the best backdrop for an apology.

    “I shouldn’t have said that to you,” she announced, soon realising that sounding sincere was not her greatest talent. “I’m sorry, and… I can see why you attacked me.”

    Velotus remained staring at the roof, though his gaze was just a fraction less cold.

    Carrie inhaled heavily once again, feeling awkward. “But… my point still stands. Attacking those Pokémon like that isn’t like you.”

    There was a pause.

    “Any chance you’ll… stop?”

    Velotus let out a short burst of mirthless chuckling but said nothing.

    Irked, Carrie sat herself resolutely beside her Pokémon, staring at the craggy wall in front of her. “Fine. Because I’m not moving on until you decide to come.” She turned to face the rest of the cave’s occupants. “Make yourselves at home. We could be here a while,” she announced.

    “Why should I?”

    Carrie looked at Theo in surprise. He was still standing close to the entrance, Kabutops at his side. Light spilled in from behind him so that she couldn’t make out his expression. “I could leave to find Archopy on my own,” he continued. “Why should I wait for your Pokémon to control himself?”

    She opened her mouth to fire something witty at him, then closed it as nothing came out. Once she thought about it, she realised how patient the man must have been. Why did Theo have to wait for her in an arrangement this optional? She needed him; he didn’t need her.

    A rebellious notion to follow Theo and leave her Grovyle to sulk for eternity in the cave sprang up in her mind. She stamped on it, insisting stubbornly that Velotus was Velotus, and he would not – could not – be left behind.

    “Okay,” she said in a point-blank tone. “I need you, or else it’ll take me way too long to get to Archopy by myself. But I’m not going without Velotus.” She paused to glance again at her Grovyle; he remained staring firmly upwards. Turning back to Theo’s unreadable face, she attempted a spot of begging. “He shouldn’t be too long. Please stay.”

    Another long pause followed as the man’s figure stood framed in the entrance while he considered. Finally, he walked forwards into the gloom. “I don’t know why I’m doing this,” he said, sitting down against the opposite wall. “I really don’t.” He jerked his head towards Velotus. “If he takes too long, I’m off.” Carrie shot the Grovyle her own sideways glance and muttered a strained thanks.

    The cavern was briefly lit by multiple flashes of white light as Theo released his other four Pokémon. Aerodactyl let out his trademark intimidating roar, unfurled his wings and swooped through the cave’s entrance, continuing his racket further away. Cradily shrieked in delight and latched onto Theo’s arm, throwing off his aim as he attempted to spray a potion at the unmoving Anorith. Slightly further from her trainer, Omanyte’s trembling shell rattled softly on the stone floor.

    Somewhat regretting her announcement for everyone to make themselves at home, Carrie pulled a packet of sandwiches from her bag. Beside her, Velotus continued his silent gaze.

    * * *

    Why is your trainer doing this?” Foliano asked. Leaning against the wall beside him was Kabutops, who he had taken a liking to despite the fossil’s view on Velotus.

    The brown creature paused for a moment’s thought. “I suppose he’d feel guilty if he just left.

    Foliano frowned. “He would?

    Kabutops nodded. “He’s soft, really. I’d know; I was his first Pokémon.” His eyes glazed over as he reminisced. “He always used to carry me around everywhere because I couldn’t walk well on land. Sometimes he’d find a pond, just for me to swim in. I loved it.

    He doesn’t look like that kind of trainer,” Foliano observed.

    Oh, he is,” the fossil told him. “You just see the outside. It’s not hard to notice how he really is if you look hard enough.

    The Grovyle looked over towards Theo in puzzlement. The man was determinedly trying to eat a human meal of sliced bread despite constant tugging from the frenetic sea lily beside him.

    See how Cradily’s grabbing his arm?” Kabutops said. “She always does that, but he never complains. Most humans I’ve met would tell her to stop, but he doesn’t want to make her feel bad.

    Foliano nodded, feeling comprehension sink in. In the same way that he had initially been struck by Kabutops’ deceptively savage exterior, this human was also softer than his outwards appearance suggested.

    But he’s the same with other humans as he is with his Pokémon?” asked the Grovyle.

    Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?” Kabutops replied, puzzled.

    Well…” Foliano hesitated. “My trainer… isn’t.” He turned to look at her as she ate her own sliced bread, and he saw Kabutops nod in the foreground of his vision. The fact must have been glaringly obvious, even to a stranger. He suppressed a cringe.

    What I don’t understand,” said the ancient creature after a pause, “is why we’re waiting at all.

    Velotus,” Foliano replied simply, watching his fellow Grovyle stare at the stone roof.

    I still don’t see why you’re so loyal to him. What’s his problem now?

    He’s had a rough couple of days,” the Grovyle said in his most reasonable tone. “My trainer saying what she did was the final straw, I think. He just needs to work things out.

    Kabutops looked him in the eye. “Why is it so bad being told to evolve, though? I’ve evolved. It felt amazing.

    Foliano sighed and looked away. “You don’t understand.

    But I want to,” the creature insisted.

    Have you seen the thing we evolve into?” he asked, feeling a note of annoyance creep into his voice. “Not Archopy. The normal one.

    No.

    It’s hideous. That’s what Velotus thinks, and to be honest, I agree with him. I’d much rather stay in this form.” Foliano realised his face was wearing an angry expression and softened it. He didn’t want to appear like Velotus around his new friend.

    Kabutops tilted his head, confused. “Don’t you want to become stronger, though?

    I’m strong enough already. And I could become stronger without evolving – that’s what Velotus was trying to do. Only I think he took it too far…

    The ancient creature’s small eyes gleamed. “You’re strong enough already. Want to show me?

    Foliano was taken aback, and he noticed Kabutops’ long, curved scythes properly for the first time in a while. Their shape was not unlike that of his own Leaf Blades when they were formed. He remembered how Velotus had recently taken to fighting with his weapons constantly primed – though it must use more energy, it could still be a useful tactic to try. Stepping away from the cave wall, he found himself smiling. “If you like.

    * * *

    Ivyx watched from the opposite wall of the cave as Foliano spoke with Kabutops. Normally, she would be over there with him, but it pleased her to see her mate getting along with someone new. He didn’t need the interruption of her joining him; besides, she spent enough time with him anyway.

    She let her gaze drift around the cavern. Instinctively, she looked first for Raptola; he was sitting in the middle of the floor, in plain view, happy as ever. Satisfied, she glanced elsewhere and caught sight of Crescent standing by the entrance, sniffing the fresh breeze which blew in from the outside world. After a moment of stillness, he turned and padded into the gloom, settling himself close to Ivyx.

    Why don’t you go out?” she asked him. “You like it out there, don’t you?” She noticed Empathy’s tufted ears twitch as he lay next to the Absol. He would undoubtedly be paying attention to their every word – possibly even their every emotion, knowing him – despite his outwardly relaxed state.

    Aerodactyl, for one thing,” Crescent muttered. “He’s screeching the sky to pieces out there. In here’s much quieter.” Ivyx listened closely to the outside sounds; she could indeed hear the far off, primeval calls of the pterodactyl if she strained her ears.

    What else?” Empathy’s soft voice spoke up.

    Well…” The Absol hesitated. “Something’s not right.

    Ivyx gave him a puzzled look.

    I just have this… feeling,” he explained. “But I don’t ignore my feelings, because they always turn out to be true.” He raised his hind leg almost impulsively to scratch at the fur on his head.

    You can predict things,” Empathy murmured, receiving a nod from the Absol. “I can read air currents, but your skill seems far more… intuitive. Yet your methods are often more accurate.” His ears flicked with what may have been discontentment.

    The clairvoyant talk was beginning to worry Ivyx. “Should we tell our trainer about this?” she asked in a tone slightly higher than her normal voice.

    I don’t think so.” Crescent closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating. When he opened them again, he said, “I can’t tell what it is, which means it’s small. It’s probably tiny. If it was something big like an earthquake, I’d know.” He growled softly. “I don’t like it when I know something but don’t know what it is.” The Espeon beside him nodded in understanding.

    Ivyx, who couldn’t relate due to not having experienced anything similar, lost interest and looked away from the two Pokémon to check up on Raptola. The young Grovyle stood in the same place as before, this time holding Omanyte’s shell and peering curiously through the dark opening. A pair of timid eyes could be seen blinking from inside the depths of the spiral form. Ivyx watched as Raptola turned the shell over and over, seemingly searching for another way in. He jumped in surprise upon bringing the opening back into view; a pair of small, blue tentacles poked their way out cautiously from the hole. She smiled, content that he was happy.

    A burst of sudden movement from her right caught her eye; the bizarre Cradily had relinquished her grip on her trainer’s arm and was sweeping her undulating tentacles around worryingly close to the Grovyle’s face. Ivyx leaned away and looked at a safe distance through the forest of twisting shapes towards the trainer, who had finished eating his strange human meal and was calling Anorith over to him. She never remembered the trilobite saying anything bar a brief “Ow” during his battle, so it didn’t surprise her that he remained silent as he slowly dragged his flat body towards his trainer. He eventually came to a halt, apparently not even registering that he was facing into Cradily’s bulky bottom half and could likely see nothing but green with bright yellow rings.

    Ivyx frowned; she hadn’t understood the brown human’s words in front of the campfire the previous night, but she was curious as to why Anorith behaved this way. Steeling herself, she ventured to ask the question to Cradily. “Why doesn’t Anorith talk – or even move unless he needs to?

    A pupil-less yellow eye gazed out at her from within the black cavity on the sea lily’s face. “Master says his birth went wrong. Master says the people who made him broke him. Master wasn’t happy. Master still isn’t happy.” She shook her head rapidly; Ivyx once again had to lean back to avoid being slapped by the sweeping tentacles.

    So why did Mas… your trainer call him over?” asked the Grovyle, determined to politely ignore the Pokémon’s oddness.

    Cradily’s creepily plain eye contracted in an apparent frown. She tilted her round head downwards towards the Anorith at her stubby feet, before jerking it back up again, her iris widening to become larger than ever. “Master tries to bond with him. It doesn’t work. It makes Master sad.

    Ivyx nodded slowly, feeling that at least a shred of comprehension had sunk in through the insanity. She noticed Foliano stand away from the opposite wall he had been leaning against, distracting her from any possible further thoughts on Anorith’s condition. Her mate was facing Kabutops in a stance that suggested battle preparation, but he was smiling warmly – he couldn’t be thinking of attacking the creature, could he?

    Her confusion was interrupted as she realised that the faint screeching from outside the cave was growing louder. Moments later, the grating cry of Aerodactyl was blotting out all other sound as the ancient creature swooped through the entrance in a flash of leathery wings. His appearance caused everyone inside bar Velotus and Anorith to jump, flinch or otherwise take notice of the adamant authority of his call.

    The noise petered out as his claws latched onto the rocky wall, allowing a far more heartrending sound to enter Ivyx’s hearing: the terrified squeals of Raptola. She looked in alarm at the small Grovyle and saw him drop Omanyte’s shell out of fright before bounding towards her, his eyes seeming younger than ever. Reaching out for him, she held him close to her, soothing his trembling body as his tiny voice spoke. “Don’t let him eat me, please don’t let him eat me. I don’t want him to eat me.

    Ivyx gazed into Raptola’s scared, childlike eyes. “Don’t worry, sweetie,” she murmured. “He won’t hurt you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you, not ever.

    * * *

    Foliano saw with a considerable feeling of warmth that his mate was softly comforting Raptola. He turned back to Kabutops and waited briefly for his hearing to return to normal; the creature now clinging to the wall behind them had flown almost directly over his head.

    Without a word, Kabutops’ skinny legs tensed in preparation. Foliano noticed and had just enough time to pump natural energy into his leaves, forcing them into glowing sharpness, before the fossil creature was upon him. He raised his scythes to block those of Kabutops but was caught off guard as his opponent sent a stream of water heading for his face.

    The onslaught of liquid caused him to splutter and stumble backwards, all the time concentrating on keeping his blades primed like Velotus did. He hit upon the sudden strategy of using the luminous weapons to block the water’s path and placed them firmly in the way. It worked, to some extent; spray was deflected haphazardly in all directions by his crossed blades, showering some of the other occupants of the cave but at least keeping his face dry.

    Knowing it wouldn’t last, Foliano registered Kabutops approaching him, still maintaining the stream of water. The Grovyle’s sharp eyes scanned his surroundings and clocked a bare stretch of wall to his left; he leapt at it, flicking stray drops of water everywhere and letting the swish of Kabutops’ scythes hit only empty air.

    Foliano latched onto the rocky surface in a similar manner to Aerodactyl, who watched with interest only a few metres away. It suddenly struck him that the eyes of everyone in the cave were most likely on him and Kabutops by now. In his moment of distraction, a stinging slash raked across his back.

    Noticing that his leaves had dimmed, he gritted his teeth and dropped from the wall before turning to face Kabutops. The creature retained that playful glint in his eyes, reminding Foliano that this was just a game – a game which he was losing, but a game nonetheless.

    Not bad,” Kabutops laughed. “But I’m sure you can do better.

    Foliano smiled, letting energy flow into his leaves to sharpen them once again. “Oh, I can,” he replied. “Only everyone’s watching us – it put me off.

    Kabutops blinked and looked around the cave at the diverse group of spectators in surprise. Taking advantage, the Grovyle surged forwards and thrust his blade at the ancient Pokémon, striking him in the chest and forcing him back.

    Kabutops regained his footing and turned back towards his sparring partner, the gleam in his eyes brighter than ever. “Nice one,” he said, before raising his right scythe for a downwards slash.

    Foliano thrust one of his blades upwards, parrying the attack. Keeping a lookout for the left scythe, he stepped forward but was disoriented by another blinding stream of water to the face. He considered a Thunderpunch – something else he had learnt off Velotus – but didn’t trust himself to perform it while keeping his leaves sharp, and the blade of his which was stopping Kabutops from slashing at his head was vital at that moment.

    Forgetting about strategies and sticking to common sense, Foliano ducked underneath the spray of liquid while keeping his own parrying scythe raised. An idea struck him as he caught sight of the pair of skinny, clawed feet keeping Kabutops’ grip on the steadily dampening floor. Foliano could feel the creature’s blade pushing against his, trying to force him to relent. He suddenly did so, jumping back out of the way before the Pokémon’s scythe could make contact with him.

    The rush of water halted as the abrupt change of tactic took Kabutops by surprise. Foliano retreated right up to the wall, giving his opponent as much space as possible. He saw the ancient fossil begin to run towards him, smiled to himself and forgot about his blades, focusing his natural energy on the ground instead. A twisting vine erupted from the rocky floor and wrapped itself around Kabutops’ legs, making him stumble, trip and come crashing down.

    His scythes flailed around for a moment before pushing against the ground, levering his upper body to face the Grovyle. “So you can do better,” he said between pants of breath. His feet tugged gently at the vines; taking the hint that the battle was over, Foliano released them.

    Kabutops stood up, brushed himself down and walked over to the wall, leaning against it as he had done before the battle. Foliano joined him, letting the loss of energy from the fight get the better of him. He glanced around the cave as the others slowly lost interest and saw that Velotus was standing up.

    * * *

    Having finished her lunch, Carrie gave Velotus another brief glance to see if there had been any change. There hadn’t. She sighed and checked on Theo; he didn’t seem to be growing impatient, but she might not have had much time until he did. The man was muttering softly to Anorith, who gave him no response whatsoever.

    She wondered what it was that had driven her to beg for him to stay. It was probably due to a subconscious and slightly selfish desire to be there to see Archopy herself; she didn’t doubt that Theo, with his understanding of fossil Pokémon, would be perfectly capable of warning it about humans on his own. She certainly hadn’t begged for the sake of his company – she seldom felt any considerable need to be around other people. On the rare occasion that she did, she would return home and spend a few days with her parents, as they were some of the few people she actually enjoyed being around.

    Her parents. Thoughts of them reminded her of the call she had made to her father only the previous day. In hindsight, she had ended it rather abruptly. Seeing as Northern Canyon was close to her home city of Fortree, she debated on whether it might be worth telling him where she was headed. He would no doubt be wondering where she was now – parents tended to do that.

    She whipped her PokéNav from her bag, flipped it open and checked for reception. For once, she was glad of the signal boosting upgrade she had bought with it in case she had ever needed to use it inside an extremely thick forest – the device was managing to scavenge just enough reception to make a call from inside the cavern. She didn’t feel like going outside to where Aerodactyl soared and screeched like there was no tomorrow, and neither did she cherish the idea of leaving Velotus alone in a cave with Theo.

    Thumbing the speed-dial for her father’s own PokéNav, she held the device to her ear and waited. The rustling noise as he picked up was almost immediately drowned out by the piercing cry of Aerodactyl as the pterosaur sailed in through the entrance and hooked himself onto a side wall as if he owned the place. She narrowed her eyes and shot the creature an annoyed glance, glad that he hadn’t flown any closer.

    The voice of her father, Brian, sounded in her ear as Aerodactyl’s racket died down. “Carrie? Is that you? What was that noise?”

    “Bad reception,” she replied offhandedly. “I’m in a cave. Yeah, it’s me. Hi, Dad.”

    “What are you doing in a cave?”

    “Long story,” she said, even though she knew it could probably be summed up in a few quick sentences.

    “Clearly you have the time to tell me if you’re calling,” replied Brian with the air of authority that parents had. “This is the second time in two days. Something must be up.”

    Carrie focused on the bare wall in front of her and considered where to begin. She decided to skim the details, particularly as she was sitting next to Velotus, who didn’t know them all himself. “Basically, I met this guy, like you said. He knows where Archopy is, and we’re –”

    “Archopy?” her father interjected.

    “Yeah, the flying thing. Anyway, he knows where it is, and I’m – we’re – heading there. It’s in Northern Canyon. So you never know, I might actually see you soon.”

    “That’ll make a change,” Brian said ruefully.

    She switched off slightly at the comment which was one of those that actually meant, “We don’t see you often enough, Carrie.” Realising that something was going on in the cave, she looked around and noted with some interest that Foliano was engaged in a friendly battle with Theo’s Kabutops. Normally it would have been Velotus in such a fight, but apparently things had changed.

    She turned to see Velotus’ reaction to this. His eyes were no longer fixed on the cave roof; he was watching the battle.

    “Carrie?” An apprehensive note clung to Brian’s voice; perhaps he was worried that his daughter had found something more interesting and hung up on him. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

    “Yeah, still here,” she muttered, drawing her gaze away from both of her Grovyle. She caught sight of Theo and, on a whim, decided to bring up something which had been on her mind.

    “Dad, you know how I used to beg you and Mum to let me stay in the forest late at night?”

    “I do.” Brian chuckled. “You’d only do it if there was something you wanted to stay up and see.”

    “Well, I just begged to the guy I told you about. He’s practically a stranger.” Carrie paused. “Am I going soft?”

    At this, her father actually laughed. “You were always soft.”

    “No, I wasn’t,” she muttered, stressing her best moody-teenager voice.

    “Carrie, you stopped living at home when you were ten,” Brian said. “You may not, but your mum and I still remember the little girl you used to be.”

    “Which I’m not any more,” Carrie insisted.

    “Apparently not.”

    She was thinking up some kind of witty retort – not that they were coming all too quickly today, she realised – when she caught movement in the corner of her eye. Velotus was standing up, looking at her with a demanding expression. She glanced in the other direction and saw that the battle had finished before turning back to the Grovyle, feeling foolish with the PokéNav held against her ear.

    “Look, Dad, I’ve got to go,” she said into it. “Bye.” Without waiting for a response, she hung up and replaced the device into her bag.

    “Velotus,” Carrie said, put off by the sudden change from talking to her father to talking to a close – if currently shaky – friend.

    I’ll stop fighting wild Pokémon.” Velotus’ voice wavered as though he was forcing himself to say it. “I’ll try not to snap and… do what I almost did.

    Carrie listened, waiting for the catch.

    But we need to get to Archopy,” he insisted with alarming urgency. Not for the first time, she wondered what had brought the attitude on. “And if you ever need to battle, I want to be a part of it.

    “Okay.” She stood up. “Sounds good.” Better than I’d expected, at least. She turned to the rest of the cave; everyone looked back at her except for Ivyx, who was glancing around frantically. “Velotus is coming, so let’s…” Carrie trailed off. “Ivyx, what’s wrong?”

    The Grovyle stared at her trainer, eyes wide, distant, desperate. “Raptola,” she whispered in a high, shaky voice so unlike her own.

    He’s not in the cave, Carrie realised with mounting panic as she checked for herself. The fact hurt like a physical blow. “But… didn’t you…?” She vaguely remembered seeing Raptola run towards Ivyx as Aerodactyl had flown in.

    He… he let go…” The Grovyle looked at the floor in shame. “I was watching the fight. I... didn’t really notice…

    Spurred into action, Carrie tore across the cave to the entrance, ignoring the concerned and bewildered glances upon her. She remembered the protruding rock at the last second and ducked, emerging into the daylight, her heart beating unnaturally fast for a dash of a few metres.

    Foliano and Ivyx came to stand in the mouth of the cave, staring with horror at the two things on the dusty ground which their trainer had noticed only seconds before.

    The first of these was a scattered pile of Pokémon treats – a cheap brand which most self-respecting Pokémon would refuse but which Carrie knew Raptola would be perfectly happy to eat.

    The second made her mind turn numb with fear.

    Drag marks.

    ~~~

    << Previous chapter
    Last edited by elyvorg; 25th July 2008 at 12:31 PM.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  18. #118
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    Running full pelt seems an interesting time to muster sincerity... Just felt odd that.

    Thank god Carrie shut up and Theo won for once. I like Carrie but Theo needed that, and she's right, he's been INSANELY patient on her behalf.

    frenetic sea lily
    OH GODS YES. I love her.

    Wow... the talk with Empathy/Crescent/Ivyx was needed I find. We get to learn more about Crescent and Empathy, and they're very interesting characters, I love em.

    I was waiting for this scene.... DAMNIT RAPTOLA YOU CUTE LICKLE BUGGER!

    OH GODS MORE DOCTORNESS. I LOVE YOUS FOR THIS.

    determined to politely ignore the Pokémon’s oddness.
    - I LOLled so hard.

    “Carrie?” An apprehensive note clung to Brian’s voice; perhaps he was worried that his daughter had found something more interesting and hung up on him. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
    Harharrrr I love that... I can just imagine something catching her eye and so she hangs up on him to investigate. Poor Brian.


    You're hereby not allowed to keep us waiting for TOO long with an ending like that.
    I speak for all the people when I say that. Seriously.


    Lovely chapter though, not boring, IMO, I loved it. The fight seemed like a forced bit of action to make things more interesting, but it was cool nonetheless.

    Not much to say except I loved it. Bring more soon plox.

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  19. #119
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    Heh, when I started reading this chapter I was actually a bit confused at the beginning, because I didn't remember well enough exactly how chapter 11 ended and having somebody say "Why did he do that?" when the that refers to some particular event happening in the previous chapter can be very confusing (I mean, I knew that Velotus stormed off, but first I thought Raptola was referring to the storming off, not the attempted slashing). You should consider when you begin a chapter, "Will a person who read the last chapter a few weeks ago know what's going on here?" Some sort of brief reference to the event to refresh the reader's memory would be nice before you start talking about "that". In fact, if just this sentence had been before Raptola's question instead of after it, it would have worked out much better:

    She took a deep breath upon remembering her words, Velotus’ furious face and his attack.
    (Why is she "remembering" them, though? The reader has to remember them, but in the story they literally happened seconds ago. o.O)

    “I’ve got to talk to him,” she finished.
    It sounds odd to use "she finished" here, because generally one would only use that when somebody has just been making some sort of a speech. Here all she said before it is "Because I said something bad"; she isn't really "finishing" it.

    Velotus let out a short burst of mirthless chuckling but said nothing.
    *really wants to hug him* ;-;

    (By the way, what most films, TV shows, books, fanfics, plays, etc. that I really love have in common is that there are parts where I desperately want to hug one of the characters, so that's a very good thing.)

    I don't really like your use of "she announced" in the Velotus scene. Firstly, you use it twice and it's a bit distracting; secondly, neither of them really seems to belong. The connotations of the word "announce" are too positive to work for this scene. Sometimes you seem to have a hint of 'Saidophobia'. Don't. There is nothing wrong with just using the word 'said'.

    Heh, I'm starting to like Theo now. :3

    Describing Kabutops as a "fossil" seems a little odd, since after all it's not a fossil anymore. "Fossil Pokémon" could maybe work, but "the fossil said" just seems awkward. I don't remember if you've used the word for Kabutops before, but at least it seems odd to me now.

    The man was determinedly trying to eat a human meal of sliced bread despite constant tugging from the frenetic sea lily beside him.
    Heehee. x3

    I like Foliano and Kabutops' conversation, especially seeing how Foliano is conscious of Carrie's flaws. It makes them both feel more real.

    The young Grovyle stood in the same place as before, this time holding Omanyte’s shell and peering curiously through the dark opening. A pair of timid eyes could be seen blinking from inside the depths of the spiral form. Ivyx watched as Raptola turned the shell over and over, seemingly searching for another way in. He jumped in surprise upon bringing the opening back into view; a pair of small, blue tentacles poked their way out cautiously from the hole.
    Okay, I know I said before I didn't find Raptola that interesting, but this is adorable. <3

    She turned to see Velotus’ reaction to this. His eyes were no longer fixed on the cave roof; he was watching the battle.
    I really loved that detail for some reason. Velotus isn't made of pure stubbornness, after all.

    So Raptola's been abducted, making for a nice twist which Lunar Espeon unfortunately spoiled for me before I read it. :< Presumably it wasn't Vanessa, at least, so... somebody from MemorCorp?

    Anyway, nice chapter. I think you're pretty good at the whole calm-character-development-chapter thing, really.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
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    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

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  20. #120
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    Thanks to both of you for reviewing.

    Darkfall - I'm afraid that due to owing several reviews, school, the one-shot contest with its deadline in mid-Feb and the fact that I haven't yet caught up with my "get two chapters done before posting one of them" rhythm means that there may be a bit of a gap. I'll do everything I can to make it worth the wait though (and what I've already written of Chapter 13 is some of my favourite stuff so far).

    Heh, you really love Cradily, don't you? Incidentally, I don't think the Toclafane parallel was intentional; I just decided that she needed a strange speech pattern because she deserves one, and out came the word Master.

    The battle scene was actually something I'd been planning for quite a while as character development for both Foliano and Kabutops; it also, in a less planned way, served to help snap Velotus out of his stubbornness, although I don't know how noticeable that was. And I'm actually not too fond of writing battles, so I wouldn't have put it there just for the sake of having some action.

    Running full pelt seems an interesting time to muster sincerity... Just felt odd that.
    I'd hoped that the wording would imply that she didn't actually muster very much at all, but... yeah. :/

    Dragonfree - Good point about the continuity with the previous chapter; I'll keep that in mind.

    I don't think I'm Saidophobic, I just don't like repeating it in the same way that I don't like repeating any other word. Which is probably not a valid excuse in this situation, actually. :x

    Describing Kabutops as a "fossil" seems a little odd, since after all it's not a fossil anymore. "Fossil Pokémon" could maybe work, but "the fossil said" just seems awkward. I don't remember if you've used the word for Kabutops before, but at least it seems odd to me now.
    Hmm, yes, I have. I guess I should cut that out in future, then. Seeing as I don't actually know what animal Kabutops is based off, I tend to go nuts with the alternative phrases, using everything from "brown creature" to "ancient fossil". Yeah. ._.

    And yay for the random gushings about characters. I'm particularly pleased that I got you to like Raptola a little more, what with the ending of the chapter and all.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  21. #121
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    I've also noticed that sometimes you seem to stretch for other things to call characters when you are talking about them in sentences that are close together. Usually this works well, but sometimes it seems like you are trying a little too hard to just find something else to call them.

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  22. #122
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    The first thing here is an example of subject confusion.
    In the distance, Velotus disappeared from sight through a cave entrance higher up on the slope. She fixed her eyes on the location, determined not to lose sight of it.
    Probably a minor nitpick, but anyway... Velotus is the subject of the first sentence here. But then the subject shifts to a "she" for the second sentence. But it's not entirely obvious that it's Carrie that's being referred here. Could've been Ivyx or Raptola.

    Carrie shot the Grovyle her own sideways glance and muttered a strained thanks.
    (Random divider to separate brief grammar part from rest of review)

    “I can’t tell what it is, which means it’s small. It’s probably tiny. If it was something big like an earthquake, I’d know.” He growled softly. “I don’t like it when I know something but don’t know what it is.” The Espeon beside him nodded in understanding.
    Great, now you've got me wondering whether or not this foreseen event was Raptola's kidnapping or some other event, possibly involving Vanessa/MemorCorp that we aren't aware of yet.

    Seeing as Northern Canyon was close to her home city of Fortree, she debated on whether it might be worth telling him where she was headed. He would no doubt be wondering where she was now – parents tended to do that.
    Great, you've reminded me I have to do two things - have my character call her parents, and call my own parents IRL. I should call more often, and incidentally, so should many fanfic trainers. Heck, I don't do it often enough:/

    Ivyx gazed into Raptola’s scared, childlike eyes. “Don’t worry, sweetie,” she murmured. “He won’t hurt you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you, not ever.”
    Aww, that's sweet

    I also liked how Theo finally began to stand up for himself instead of letting himself get dragged around all the time.

    The battle was interesting and a big part of character development, but I did feel it ended a bit too abruptly. For some reason, I felt that even a simple exchange like,
    "Good battle. I'm impressed by how well you did."

    "Yeah, thought you were pretty strong too there."
    would have taken place between the two afterward.

    Overall though, you have another great, well-written chapter under your belt. I'm awaiting to see what happened to Raptola, but I have my suspicions on the responsible party...

  23. #123
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    Apotheosis - Thanks for the tip. If I keep doing it, could you point out an instance of it so that I get some idea what to avoid?

    DarkPersian479 - Oh dear god I missed an AND of all things. >.<;

    Could've been Ivyx or Raptola.
    Er, Raptola's male, so it couldn't have been him. And Ivyx wasn't mentioned at all in the stuff preceeding that line, so I don't see how it could have been mistaken for her, either. I changed it anyway, as if it bothered you it might bother someone else.

    Seeing as I never intended to keep anyone wondering about whether it was or not, I can safely tell you that Crescent's bad feeling was indeed about the kidnapping.

    Heh, Carrie's normally the type of person to procrastinate from calling her parents for long periods of time, too. The whole Archopy business is making her stop and think a bit more. Incidentally, the phone call owes its entire existence to Darkfall suggesting ages ago that Carrie should talk to her dad again for more character development, so kudos to him on that.

    Aww, that's sweet
    and ironic. >=D

    It seems that Theo's regrowth of his backbone went down particularly well. I'm glad to see that.

    And I absolutely hated the way I ended the battle scene, but couldn't for the life of me work out what was wrong with it. Thank you for pointing that out.
    .: Evolution is a battle .:. Something has to lose :.
    LOST EVOLUTION
    Chapter 33: Inside has been posted.


    Foregone Conclusion
    Spinoff/prequel/backstory/thingy to Lost Evolution, written for NaNoWriMo 2010

    Three Heads Are Better Than One

  24. #124
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    I finally caught up (after Raptola asked me politely :3).

    Crappy review:

    Awesome awesome work. I love all the stuff with Velotus and can really relate to him. Also, good cliffhnager on the latest chapter. I cant wait for the next chapter (and you know I know you know why >=D)

    You gain a point for making these waffles cold and uneatable. Although by principle, you should LOSE a point. I also love how Foliano and Kabutops are friends. Thats always fun. Anyways, good job and keep up the good work.
    Claimed: Grovyle - November 10th, 2013
    Chapter 20 is up.

  25. #125
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    Remember me? Probably not, but anyway...

    Excellent fic. I haven't read all of it yet, only the first few chapters, but it's got me hooked. Keep up the good work!
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