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Thread: Take (R for pervasive violence)

  1. #1

    Default Take (R for pervasive violence)

    (written for Rocket100 on Livejournal)



    It was night now, but it had been burning daylight when the police came. Giovanni hadn't been at the secondary base more than half an hour when the frantic announcement came over the PA system that they were being invaded.

    The agents lept into action, but the scant personell at the distant base could not overcome the invasive force.

    The Iron Mask Marauder was wounded, grazed in the arm, but continued on anyway. The Team couldn't fail now, not before his plans were complete. Briefly, he reflected on the irony of a traitorous officer working to save the very organization he planned to rebel against, but pushed those to the back of his mind. That could wait until later.

    He ran down the hallway, passing falling agents and police. He had to be getting closer to where the crux of the action was, and he held his gun at the ready. No time to call on his pokémon in a situation like this, this was mano-a-mano.

    As he neared the Boss' office, the occasional gunshots got louder. Jenny had to be down this way, and the closer she was to the Boss, the more trouble they were all in. He quickened his pace.

    Finally he saw the double doors marking Giovanni's office. They were open, which was a bad sign. "Sir? Are you in--"

    He was cut off by a head popping up on the other side of the desk; Domino. She raised a finger to her lips for a moment, then gestured for him to approach. Lying against the wall was Giovanni himself, shot in the chest. He wheezed faintly as he looked up. "...Lord Vicious, you're here too..." he muttered. "Jenny got Persian..."

    Vicious looked over to the side. Sure enough, the large cat lay lifeless near the door.

    "I...I need you both to swear to me..."

    Domino put her hand over her heart. "Anything, sir."

    Giovanni took in a deep breath. "Swear to me that you'll get Jenny...for me...and for Persian..."

    The Marauder nodded, kneeling and resting a hand on Domino's shoulder. "We'll do it."

    "For you, sir, we'd do anything," Domino agreed.

    "Good...I'll try to hold on, but I...can't promise anything..."

    "We'll get her, sir, I promise," Domino assured him, rising and bringing Vicious with her. She picked up a gun from the top of the desk, one Vicious recognized as belonging to Giovanni. She brandished it, cocking it dramatically. "Try to hold on. We'll get her, and then we'll get you out of here."

    The two headed for the hallway, only to be greeted by a loud gunshot in the next room. They rushed over, nearly running into a lower agent clad in white. The agent let out a cry, and the two officers could see that he looked shocked before he whimpered softly.

    Domino spoke first. "Stop that whining! You're an agent of Team Rocket!"

    The boy--he couldn't have been older than Domino, but her youth was a special case--held up his hand, which held a smoking handgun. Unable to form any words, he pointed with his other hand to beyond a table. Tears started to drain from his eyes as he covered his face with the hand that still held the gun. "I've never..." he choked out, his extended arm shaking.

    Vicious took a look behind the table and his eyes widened behind his mask. This kid, obviously untrained, had managed to kill Jenny. He knelt down, checking to be certain, but could find no signs of life. "Damn, kid," he muttered, approaching the agent. "Do you know what you've done?"

    He gulped, nodding slowly as he wiped at his eyes. "Never...never done that before..."

    Curious, Domino looked as well, but her reaction was that of anger. "****...Guys, that was one of Viridian's Jennys. That means her sister will be here too."

    The boy shivered, hugging himself to calm down. A soft, high whine escaped him, and Vicious shook him by the shoulders. "If you don't calm down, you're as good as dead. Got it?"

    "I don't want to be alone," the boy blurted out. "I won't be a hinderance, I promise, and you can leave me behind if I am."

    Domino sized him up. "We'll hold you to that. And you may have to use that gun of yours again, are you prepared for that?"

    He nodded sharply, blinking away the last of the tears. His voice was more confident, and he straightened his back. "Thank you."

    "So what do we call you?" Vicious asked. "Can't keep calling you 'hey you' or whatever."

    "Mondo." There was still a weakness in his tone, but the shake was gone. "And everyone knows who you are, mister Marauder."

    Vicious smirked. Of course they did. Why Domino valued her privacy was beyond him.

    At his side, she turned to the door. "You can call me Domino." That was how she always said it, never that it was her name. "Now come on, we have to hurry and find the other Jenny before...right away." She wasn't about to tell just anybody about the Boss' condition.

    The three of them headed out into the hallway, and as luck would have it encountered another agent, who saluted the only agent he knew. "Sir! The shooting seems to have stopped in this area."

    "So I hear," Vicious said. "Any idea where the remaining Jenny is?"

    "Remain--oh!" Jenny's fate dawned on the man. "Probably where the action is, in the basement. How is our leader?"

    They were standing outside Giovanni's office, but the open doors must have lead him to believe that no one was inside. "He's fine," Domino interjected. "Now go do something instead of standing around!"

    "Of course!" The man darted off, leaving the three other agents to head for the stairs.

    Sure enough, the basement rang with shots, a few a minute, but one right away as they reached the door. The two Elites looked at each other and nodded, cocking their guns nearly in unison. Mondo looked anxiously at the other two, but followed their lead anyway.

    "I'll take point," Domino said, cracking the door open. "Watch my back." She kicked the door open and slid into the hallway.

    There was a sudden movement at the end of the hall, and Domino fell back, not hearing the gunshot that claimed her, or Mondo's scream. The Marauder didn't bother checking her, he knew she was gone, and he focused instead on the assassin.

    He could see an exposed leg--Jenny's short skirt. She was leaning around the far corner, and from the angle of her leg, she was bending over, probably to avoid a head shot. He never took his eyes off her location, walking forward and aiming his weapon to afford the fastest shot he could make.

    Mondo came up behind him, frantic and babbling, but he didn't look away. The younger agent's talking seemed to act as a lure, though, and soon, Jenny's leg moved like she was standing. She had difficulty, and had probably taken injury, but she was still faster than he thought. There was a shot and a metallic clang, and the Elite started firing. His mask had stopped the bullet, but it had disoriented him, and a sharp pain jolted through his head. He could hardly aim, but Mondo surprised him by taking up the slack and firing at the police officer too.

    One of the shots, more than likely from Mondo, hit Jenny in the knee, bringing her down. Through the haze, the Marauder smirked. He could hit her better now, and while she was distracted, he put all his focus into making that perfect shot.

    Two bullets hit her at the same time, one to the shoulder and one to the chest. Jenny jerked backwards, stumbling for a moment before falling. There was a shout around the corner, another police officer. "Jenny's down! We gotta get out of here!" the man shouted, followed by the faint sound of running. They wouldn't get far, Vicious mused, leaning against the wall and slowly approaching the fallen policewoman.

    "Sir...?" Mondo asked from behind him, but he didn't stop until he reached her. She was still alive, if barely, so he fired at her again. He had aimed for her head, but the bullet struck her in the throat, causing her to rasp and heave for a moment before lying still. If she wasn't dead then, she would be in a minute.

    Finally, the Marauder turned around, facing the younger agent and trying not to look at where Domino had fallen. "...get me up the stairs," he ordered, and Mondo nodded, wrapping his arm around the Elite's waist and guiding him down the hallway. As they passed Domino, Vicious broke away from Mondo's hold and knelt down to her as best he could, closing her wide violet eyes and bowing his head. "She was a damn fine officer," he muttered, brushing her bangs over the hole in her forehead.

    "I'm sure she was, sir..." Mondo sighed, looking around at the floor, the walls, the ceiling, anywhere but at her. "We need to get you some medical attention."

    "Yeah..." His headache was getting worse, and now his grazed arm was starting to sting. With a grunt, he leaned against Mondo to stand, and the two of them started up the stairs.

    It took them nearly five minutes to reach the top. The Marauder had to stop every few steps and rest. He would never admit it, especially to someone so far beneath him in rank, but he was about to black out.

    Finally they were on the first floor. "There's something I gotta do..." he said, wobbling towards Giovanni's office. Mondo followed suit, helping the older man over.

    "Ooh..." Mondo choked, seeing the Persian on the floor and having to turn his head immediately. "Why are we in here?"

    Vicious took a few shaky steps away from the boy, holding onto the desk. Giovanni was still there, but he looked to be unconcious. Or worse.

    Mondo spotted the Boss at the same time and gasped. "Sir? Oh my god no..." He nearly threw himself to the ground, checking frantically for any signs of life. "There's a little pulse, but--"

    He was cut off by a faint moan. Giovanni moved a little, trying to see who had arrived, but he lacked the strength to raise his head. "Who--?" he asked weakly.

    He'd manage to hold on for this long. Maybe he had a fighting chance. Vicious knelt next to him as solidly as he could, but the pounding in his head was almost unbearable and he flopped down considerably less gracefully than he would have liked. "Sir, it's me, Vicious."

    "Vi...where's Domino...?"

    The Elite smiled sadly. "You would have been proud of her, sir. She went down taking out Jenny."

    Giovanni sighed. "...serving the Team...of course."

    "She was a hero, sir," Mondo cut in.

    "And so were you," Vicious reminded him. "This kid here, some grunt called Mondo, took out the other one."

    The Boss' lips turned up slightly. "...afraid I won't be able to...to make a commendation..."

    "Sir?" Mondo started shaking again. "Sir, we'll call for help. The police are leaving, you'll be fine...please be fine, please!" he wimpered.

    Giovanni closed his eyes, which had only been open a sliver. "...glad I could be among my finest..." He took in a breath, releasing half of it with a slow shudder before ceasing to move.

    "Sir? SIR?" Mondo was near manic as he checked for any signs of life. Not finding any, he lightly slapped the man's face. "Sir please! Wake up! You can't die like this, you can't!"

    "You can't..." the Marauder repeated, bringing himself to his feet and pounding the desk. This couldn't be how it ended! He was supposed to bring down Giovanni, not some punk cop! "Dammit..."

    His knees gave out from his sudden actions, the pain in his head too much for him to bear. The last thing he heard before he passed out was Mondo shouting "Sir!?", but he wasn't sure who the boy was talking to.




    "Sir?" The word cut through the haze, and the Marauder slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was that it was too damn bright in the room, and then he realized that someone had taken his mask.

    Things came to him in sequence. He was in a hospital room. He had IVs in his arms. He had sensor pads taped to his chest and head. And Mondo was sitting next to the bed, watching him. "...ugh...how long have I been out?"

    Mondo smiled, but it was a restrained one, hampered by the events of the day. "You've been out about five hours. The doctors were starting to worry."

    Vicious tried to sit up but failed. "Giovanni--he's really gone?"

    "...I'm afraid so." The boy averted his gaze. "The executives are going to meet tomorrow to decide on a new leader. But we managed to capture the rest of the invaders."

    "That's good..." His head still hurt, and he winced from the fluorescent lights. "Can you get that for me?"

    Mondo nodded, getting up from his chair to turn off the lights. "The doctors wanted to know when you woke up. Should I tell them now?"

    "Gimme a minute." He closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift. With Giovanni dead and a new leader to be named, it would complicate his plans. He was familiar with Giovanni's style of rule and personality, but with someone new, he'd have to start analyzing them from the beginning. But he could do it. He'd gain their trust just as he had Giovanni's, and turn on them. He would have to take his time--the Team wouldn't accept two new leaders in a short amount of time. But he was young, he could wait a while yet.

    The younger man went to the window, taking the cord for the shade in one hand. "...I think I learned a lot about myself today. It's amazing what you become when you're in situations like that. But I can't help but think I was acting like an idiot."

    "You'll learn," the Marauder muttered as the room got darker.

    Mondo returned to the bedside. "Teach me, sir. There's so much I have yet to learn."

    An almost cruel grin spread across the Marauder's face, but Mondo didn't see the malice to it. A capable agent wanting to be molded by the future leader of the Team. It was almost too good to be true. "Everyone's got to start somewhere," he said, talking more about himself.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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  2. #2
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    The body count makes me happy.

    I am indeed finally reviewing. The chief attraction of this fiction, I feel, is the fast-paced and very realistic take at action, and the fearlessness with which you injure and murder characters with no regard for position. I always enjoy the darker depictions from directly inside a Team Rocket base, and the point of view of such an interesting character only helped things. Organizations like these have a very refreshing ethical system and bent of mind, and a sympathetic view to one of the less morally scrupulous characters made my day (as it so often does). Is it canon, though, that the Iron Mask Marauder actually planned to overthrow Giovanni? It's been so long, I've completely forgotten.

    All the aspects of the one-shot fit given the circumstances, and I can't say I found anything objectionable. It was a nice, tight-knit, self-contained description, with no room for error. I feel very gratified. I'll see if there's anything I could critique in Obsession.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek View Post
    The body count makes me happy.
    Hahaha.

    I am indeed finally reviewing. The chief attraction of this fiction, I feel, is the fast-paced and very realistic take at action, and the fearlessness with which you injure and murder characters with no regard for position.
    Yes, I tend to be an equal-opportunity offender there. NOBODY IS SAFE MWAHAHAHAHA

    I always enjoy the darker depictions from directly inside a Team Rocket base, and the point of view of such an interesting character only helped things. Organizations like these have a very refreshing ethical system and bent of mind, and a sympathetic view to one of the less morally scrupulous characters made my day (as it so often does).
    That's one of my favorite things to write about, really. Heck, I'm writing another fic about IMM right as we speak. He's very fun to write for, and very underrated.

    Is it canon, though, that the Iron Mask Marauder actually planned to overthrow Giovanni? It's been so long, I've completely forgotten.
    Yes. Or he talked about it anyway, not sure how long that plan lasted after being defeated so humiliatingly. But then, only one person knows he's a traitor and that's Jesse...and I doubt any of the higher-ups will believe her

    All the aspects of the one-shot fit given the circumstances, and I can't say I found anything objectionable. It was a nice, tight-knit, self-contained description, with no room for error. I feel very gratified. I'll see if there's anything I could critique in Obsession.
    Yay! Hope you enjoy it. It's a much slower story though...but it *does* have a death in the first chapter. And another character will die later on, but I'm not saying who (and by "later on" I mean in a chapter I haven't written yet).
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
    Or better yet, join my LJ comm Ware Wa Collector!
    Check out some of my other fics!
    Answering Machine (strong XY spoilers--winner of Most Heartbreaking Scene 2013!)

  4. #4
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    Yay done. Rejoice, for my horrible procrastination and I are officially out of your hair.

    I actually remember reading this story way back when, and though I found the premise of a raid on the Rocket base being interesting then, rereading it now I think this is probably also the weakest that I’ve read of your stories, at least in terms of execution. There are a number of plot holes, and forgive me if I’m wrong but I get the impression you hadn’t really researched the background in terms of how the police would handle raids and what happens when someone lands in hospital. The end result is that it comes across as something that you were trying to bullshit through, but didn’t quite manage.

    I like the idea of writing a raid from the villains’ point of view, since scenes like that are usually written from the heroes’ perspective, but it can’t be forgotten that the other side will still approach the matter a certain way. Since it’s the police, they’d approach the raid with professionalism and strict procedure. In fact, considering the scope of the raid, it would probably include the pokeworld’s version of SWAT forces, if they had any.

    Even if you don’t want to take it a step further into specially-trained teams, the normal police will still use certain procedures when raiding a hostile base, and I find it unlikely that these procedures would exclude pokémon as they seemed to in the story. Pokémon are, after all, a massive part of the culture and powerful enough to be used as weapons, so I can’t see why they would be excluded from such a venture—nor do I think that the presence of pokémon would necessarily exclude the presence of guns. Indeed, such a combination would interest me as a reader even more than choosing one way or the other.

    Considering the strengths pokémon offer to both defending and invading parties, I can’t see that the Rockets would completely exclude them either. When you have Vicious reflect that ‘there’s no time for pokémon’, you do it when he’s running down the hall and thus unoccupied by defending himself—he’d have ample time to call on a pokémon. In the end, I guess I just don’t buy the idea that no one would use pokémon in such a situation, simply because of the advantage they would offer.

    The police’s conduct is also rather unlikely; I think it’s because you place far too much emphasis on the Jennys and their presence as the driving force behind the invasion. They may be leading the raid, but their deaths wouldn’t suddenly make the police suddenly want to leave; in fact, if anything it would make them even more determined to succeed. If the police were to fall back, it would be because the Rockets had received reinforcements which would make the taking of the base far more costly than it already had been, and even then, I imagine they’d make a concerted effort to make sure all the bodies were retrieved. In any case, considering the importance of an invasion of the Rockets’ main base, they probably have plenty of reinforcements of their own at their disposal, and since the Rockets would have to abandon the base anyway—seeing as the police know where it is—the most likely outcome is that it’s the Rockets who would retreat.

    In that context, targeting the Jennys specifically doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, because if killing them doesn’t stop the raid (which it shouldn’t, as it’s poor planning to base the success of such an important venture on the survival of two people, and if their survival is so important they shouldn’t be there anyway) then doing so is only for the purposes of revenge, and considering the base is still under attack it’s a pretty poor set of priorities to be focusing on revenge instead of minimising the damage to the remaining agents, evacuating the base, and getting the wounded medical treatment. Considering that the Rockets do value secrecy so much, I’m just not convinced in the idea that they’d fight to retain that base, rather than folding and vanishing with as little damage as they can.


    Mondo smiled, but it was a restrained one, hampered by the events of the day. "You've been out about five hours. The doctors were starting to worry."
    Depending on what kind of head injury Vicious sustained, this diagnosis is kind of off. For one, if he had a concussion, then the doctors would have specifically woken him up at least every hour. If it was minor enough to let him sleep, considering that he’d also been shot and would’ve needed that taken care of as well, then they probably would’ve taken the opportunity to patch him up and he probably would’ve taken a fair few hours to sleep off the anesthetic anyway—in which case the doctors wouldn’t be worrying.

    I’m no medical expert, but considering that Vicious seemed to be experiencing dizziness and headaches, I’d say that’s probably a concussion. In which case, they wouldn’t have let him sleep for five hours straight.


    There was a shot and a metallic clang, and the Elite started firing. His mask had stopped the bullet, but it had disoriented him, and a sharp pain jolted through his head. He could hardly aim, but Mondo surprised him by taking up the slack and firing at the police officer too.
    There’s not really much of a reaction here. Okay, you give us the sound, and then you tell us what happened, but there’s no tension or sense that he’s in trouble because you haven’t had him react to the bullet actually hitting him/his mask, if you get me. Something like that would cause pain straight away, not just in ‘afterthought’; heck, considering that it’s a bullet hitting his mask, and then the mask flying back to hit him in the forehead in conjunction with the force applied by the bullet itself? Even Kevlar vests, when stopping a bullet, don’t prevent blunt-force trauma and broken bones or internal injury—and this is Vicious’ head. He’s more likely to be knocked unconscious outright with a broken nose/cheeks, and if not, he wouldn’t really be in the condition to go around shooting people because he’d been in too much pain and unable to see straight.


    He had aimed for her head, but the bullet struck her in the throat,
    Some indication of why his aim was off would’ve been nice; because he was dizzy, I’m assuming, but as it is it’s just like the bullet veered off-target on its own or something.


    The agents lept into action, but the scant personell at the distant base could not overcome the invasive force.
    Should be either ‘leapt’ or ‘leaped’, depending on which country you live in, and ‘personnel’.


    No time to call on his pokémon in a situation like this, this was mano-a-mano.
    Should be a semi-colon.


    The agent let out a cry, and the two officers could see that he looked shocked before he whimpered softly.
    Rather strange and clumsy turn of phrase there, because of the insertion that the ‘two officers’ are observing him. It’s too distancing, considering this is a highly-charged piece, things should be more direct, such as: ‘The agent let out a cry, his face registering his shock, before he whimpered softly.’ Adding in extra words just makes it clumsy and less active.


    Unable to form any words, he pointed with his other hand to beyond a table. Tears started to drain from his eyes
    Should probably be ‘he pointed beyond a table with his other hand’, as a matter of clarity; the ‘to’ before ‘beyond’ should be deleted regardless. Also the turn of phrase with the ‘draining’ struck me as rather … odd.


    "****...Guys, that was one of Viridian's Jennys. That means her sister will be here too."
    Small nitpick, but it’s a bit interrupting to see the asterisks in the place of a swear. May as well go the whole way and loophole the filter; you can do it by putting one of the letters in another font (though, you prolly already know that …).


    "I don't want to be alone," the boy blurted out. "I won't be a hinderance, I promise,
    ‘hindrance’.


    "And everyone knows who you are, mister Marauder."
    Should be capitalised, since it’s being used as a pronoun.


    "Remain--oh!" Jenny's fate dawned on the man.
    For consistency’s sake, you should probably specify which Jenny’s fate he’s thinking about, or just bluff the issue by commenting on his realisation without saying what he’s realising; the dialogue should imply enough.


    They were standing outside Giovanni's office, but the open doors must have lead him to believe that no one was inside.
    ‘led’.


    Sure enough, the basement rang with shots, a few a minute, but one right away as they reached the door.
    Very clumsy wording. Something like ‘but one sounded just as they reached the door’ would be better.


    There was a sudden movement at the end of the hall, and Domino fell back, not hearing the gunshot that claimed her, or Mondo's scream.
    The comma after ‘her’ should be deleted since those two phrases (‘not hearing the gunshot that claimed her’ and ‘or Mondo’s scream’) are closely linked and so shouldn’t be separated; it’s not just the gunshot she didn’t hear, it was his scream as well.


    he knew she was gone, and he focused instead on the assassin.
    ‘assassin’ is probably the wrong word to use there, because it indicates pre-planning and an intention to kill a specific person during a specific mission. Jenny didn’t plan the raid solely for the purpose of killing Domino, nor did she intend to kill Domino specifically; she just killed her in a fire-fight.


    He never took his eyes off her location, walking forward and aiming his weapon to afford the fastest shot he could make.
    This makes it sound like he’s just walking into the open, not taking cover at all, and if he is, we should be getting the feeling that he’s doing it with speed.


    The younger agent's talking seemed to act as a lure, though, and soon, Jenny's leg moved like she was standing.
    Another case of strange phrasing; I think it’s the ‘like’, it sounds too slangy for this context. ‘As though’ would probably be better, but even so, a bit more description or differing word use might help more.


    There was a shout around the corner, another police officer. "Jenny's down! We gotta get out of here!" the man shouted,
    Repetition of ‘shout’. And a twitch at unprofessional police conduct. Viridian must have pretty sucky police training courses.


    "Yeah..." His headache was getting worse, and now his grazed arm was starting to sting. With a grunt, he leaned against Mondo to stand, and the two of them started up the stairs.
    For clarity’s sake, you should specify that it’s Vicious, since in the previous paragraph the only ‘he’ was Mondo. Also, assuming the ‘graze’ was caused by a bullet, it would probably do more than just ‘sting’, and I doubt it would’ve stopped; you might be better off saying that he only just noticed it, since that implies it’s always been hurting, he just hasn’t had the chance to think about it.


    Giovanni was still there, but he looked to be unconcious.
    ‘unconscious’.


    "There's a little pulse, but--"
    I have no idea whether to class this as a case of the character being too unnerved to think of the right terminology, or a case of not wanting to use a cliché phrase. XD In either case, it grabbed my attention; ‘faint pulse’ is used everywhere, it’s true, but there’s a reason for it so you should probably use it anyway.


    "Sir, we'll call for help. The police are leaving, you'll be fine...please be fine, please!" he wimpered.
    ‘whimpered’.


    "Everyone's got to start somewhere," he said, talking more about himself.
    Very weak for an ending line; it just sounds like the story was cut off, instead of being wrapped up. It’s also making obvious something that has already been implied, which is unnecessary; the simple line ‘“Everyone’s got to start somewhere,” he said’ is an excellent way to end the story, because of the implication that he himself is starting anew, that Team Rocket is, and that Mondo is. Nothing more is needed, and anything else just makes it seem too obvious and like there should be more.


    And done. Dunno if you're gonna rewrite it, 'cos you mentioned that you're not too fond of that, but hope it helped some anyhow.

  5. #5

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    Well, the police in that world seem to operate a *lot* differently than anything we have in our world, not to mention that in pretty much all incarnations of Pokémon, taking out the leader incapacitates their forces (whole TEAMS have been defeated that way, even with legions of members waiting their turn). So it's not realistic in regards to our world, but that's what I was thinking of with theirs.

    Vicious strikes me as the sort who wouldn't have a standard team, the way he thinks nothing of abandoning ones he thinks of as "weak", so my thinking was that he didn't have any pokémon on him at the time so he didn't have time to go get one. Although that's a good point about everyone else (well, not Domino since she doesn't have any to begin with, but all the other people in the building).

    And that's odd about the asteriks. I NEVER censor the language in my fics and I swear I did the font trick to get around the stupid swear filter, but I guess not. But either way that wasn't me who put that there.

    What's most confusing, however, is that for the medical stuff I asked a friend who studies things like that and she basically told me what would go on, including a bullet impact on a metal mask and hospital procedure for concussion. She must have had an off day when she gave me the information, although I distinctly remember her going to look it up in her medical books.

    My spelling sucks and I've never denied it. Now I use online spell checkers, but then it must have escaped my notice.


    Anyway, for something where I did the research myself, my much more recent fic Red may interest you.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
    Or better yet, join my LJ comm Ware Wa Collector!
    Check out some of my other fics!
    Answering Machine (strong XY spoilers--winner of Most Heartbreaking Scene 2013!)

  6. #6
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    Yay, another masterpiece by Blackjack! Here's my lousy review.

    I WUV GUNFIGHTS! They're so fun and gory! Of course, it's a little weird that I like that stuff, considering I'm a girl, but that's the way I am! ^w^

    Yay, you used Iron Mask, too! You don't see him in many fanfics.

    ...Hang on, didn't you use Iron Mask in a Bashou/Buson oneshot? I'm kinda sure you did, but I might be wrong.

    Anyway, you did an awesome job, like always! 5/5!

    Keep it up!

    I have claimed Alucard (Hellsing), Sebastian (Kuroshitsuji), and Laguna Loire (Final Fantasy VIII).
    Hellsing, Street Fighter, The Elder Scrolls, Dangan Ronpa, Bleach, Homestuck, Black Butler, and Puella Magi Madoka Magica fan.
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    Actually I'm back b/c I plugged in my amp and playing one note when my grandpa came in and told me to stfu

    So now I'm just sitting here stroking my guitar while naked

  7. #7

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    Yeah, yeah I did. I think I'm the only person who writes about him.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Gabbiani View Post
    Well, the police in that world seem to operate a *lot* differently than anything we have in our world, not to mention that in pretty much all incarnations of Pokémon, taking out the leader incapacitates their forces (whole TEAMS have been defeated that way, even with legions of members waiting their turn). So it's not realistic in regards to our world, but that's what I was thinking of with theirs.
    The problem with that is that it's the same logic as excusing Team Rocket being shocked by Pikachu and 'blasting off' without getting injured, because 'that's the laws of physics in the anime'. That way of working the Teams' defeats is essentially a plot device designed to, in the games, simplify the gameplay/ensure there is gameplay; in the Pokespecial manga (can't speak for the others), follow game-canon so far as the protagonists are concerned (despite some inherent 'unrealisticities' in the plot device's concept); and in the anime, a combination of the first two (or as in the case of the TR/Pikachu example, for slapstick comedy). Same with the police: the Jennys seem to be the contact point for the protagonists, but that doesn't mean other officers don't exist in similar capacities. I've never thought the police worked so differently, except by taking into account that plot device of how Teams are defeated. Indeed, of the three canons the anime is the one that seems to use that plot device the least, since as far as I know TR is never defeated directly by Ash-co, and neither are the Aquas or the Magmas, and the police actually come to arrest people instead of being almost non-existent.

    All of your fics and your writing style in general have struck me as essentially gritty and 'realistic' in nature, because you deal with things like death and destruction and mindf*ckery quite openly, so using anime logic is a bit of a let-down (to say nothing of somewhat illogical).


    Vicious strikes me as the sort who wouldn't have a standard team, the way he thinks nothing of abandoning ones he thinks of as "weak", so my thinking was that he didn't have any pokémon on him at the time so he didn't have time to go get one. Although that's a good point about everyone else (well, not Domino since she doesn't have any to begin with, but all the other people in the building).
    Well, maybe you could mention that he doesn't have any, then? As for Domino, it's been a while since I've seen that film, so that my bad there, but maybe you could bring it up in passing somehow that she doesn't use pokemon either, as a reminder for those who're ignorant.

    Oh, I'd love a dual firearm/pokemon fic. I don't think I've really seen any around; one or the other, but not both at the same time. So good luck if you decide to write something that way.


    And that's odd about the asteriks. I NEVER censor the language in my fics and I swear I did the font trick to get around the stupid swear filter, but I guess not. But either way that wasn't me who put that there.
    Yeah, you don't strike me as the type to censor. Maybe an updated version of the swear filter picked up on it or something.


    What's most confusing, however, is that for the medical stuff I asked a friend who studies things like that and she basically told me what would go on, including a bullet impact on a metal mask and hospital procedure for concussion. She must have had an off day when she gave me the information, although I distinctly remember her going to look it up in her medical books.
    Well, admittedly all of my knowledge comes from watching medical shows/reading fics/a tad of research on my own--so I could be wrong, particularly since you did go to a friend in the business. I just always thought it was procedure not to let someone concussed go to sleep, though I guess if the concussion's minor enough they'd let it pass ... still, considering he was injured, I wouldn't have thought five hours sleep would be enough to make people start to worry.


    Anyway, for something where I did the research myself, my much more recent fic Red may interest you.
    I did see that one ... issat an official review request?

  9. #9
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    The action was good. My only real criticism is that the story seemed too short and rushed along. Other than that, good job. I like stories that mix Pokemon with bloody, violent action.
    ARE WE NOT MEN? WE ARE DEVO!
    If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

  10. #10
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    A. This is a one shot.
    B. Why people are reviewing this, I have no idea. It was written 2 years ago, and is finished....shouldn't it be locked or put in the completed fics forum?
    I just got kicked off the Serebii chat for advertising Serebii

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evil_Lord View Post
    A. This is a one shot.
    Why is this relevant?


    B. Why people are reviewing this, I have no idea. It was written 2 years ago, and is finished....shouldn't it be locked or put in the completed fics forum?
    I have no idea why it being completed is a reason for people not to comment, but according to the rules:
    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    If somebody wishes to comment on a fic that is more than a month old, so long as the post is not SPAMy like “this was great I loved it” then they may also do this.
    So as long as the review contributes something to the thread, it's okay. Also, stories are only moved to the completed fics section by request of the author.

  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by purple_drake View Post
    Same with the police: the Jennys seem to be the contact point for the protagonists, but that doesn't mean other officers don't exist in similar capacities. I've never thought the police worked so differently, except by taking into account that plot device of how Teams are defeated. Indeed, of the three canons the anime is the one that seems to use that plot device the least, since as far as I know TR is never defeated directly by Ash-co, and neither are the Aquas or the Magmas, and the police actually come to arrest people instead of being almost non-existent.
    Well A/M broke up in the anime after their leaders (or was it just Archie? It's been a while) were beaten. Granted it wasn't by the police but they were beaten at all. And if the show goes with EITHER of the Galactic endings, they'll basically be broken up because Cyrus disappears, so the show would have to pull something out of thin air to make that not happen. The Rockets have never been dissolved on the show, nor has Giovanni been deposed, so all that remains to be seen.

    However, Giovanni gave up pursuing Mewtwo when it defeated him. Yes I know he doesn't remember the specifics, but there had to be a paper trail proving that it existed, with a long list of its powers. There's no way everyone who knew about it was there at the lake to lose their memories.

    Oh yeah--Phantom's crew stopped fighting and all got arrested when Phantom got beaten.



    All of your fics and your writing style in general have struck me as essentially gritty and 'realistic' in nature, because you deal with things like death and destruction and mindf*ckery quite openly, so using anime logic is a bit of a let-down (to say nothing of somewhat illogical).
    Well, it's series logic more than specifically anime. And sometimes things happen that contradict normal logic. Like if I was to write about Bashou's Steelix resisting grass attacks, that's canon, even though it makes no logical sense even with the rest of the series. I'd just have to figure out *why* his and no other can do that.

    And all those things exist in the series. I just turn the volume up. (Let's face it, if someone was to have written the whole "Lucario is angsty because his trainer abandoned him only he didn't really because he didn't want Lucario to know he was going to kill himself to save the kingdom" thing in a fanfic, people would have thought it was too mature a subject for the show)


    Well, maybe you could mention that he doesn't have any, then? As for Domino, it's been a while since I've seen that film, so that my bad there, but maybe you could bring it up in passing somehow that she doesn't use pokemon either, as a reminder for those who're ignorant.
    Aah maybe. Only I don't think it was addressed in canon that she doesn't. She just doesn't. But yeah, good point about him since he *was* shown to have them, just lost them all.

    Oh, I'd love a dual firearm/pokemon fic. I don't think I've really seen any around; one or the other, but not both at the same time. So good luck if you decide to write something that way.
    Well given that we know guns exist in the animeverse, it'd make sense. (and not just in the early days of Kanto--someone mentioned that Rico's gun is based on an eastern European assault rifle. Although technically we never see him fire it, but still)

    Heck, there's a scene in Dengeki Pikachu where Ash and Gary think that Oak's been shot (only you turn the page and you find out that the red splotch was spilled tomato juice and that he was just hit on the head, but that they thought it, y'know).

    I did see that one ... issat an official review request?
    Depends. Is that an official review request confirmation?
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
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  13. #13
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    Well A/M broke up in the anime after their leaders (or was it just Archie? It's been a while) were beaten. Granted it wasn't by the police but they were beaten at all. And if the show goes with EITHER of the Galactic endings, they'll basically be broken up because Cyrus disappears, so the show would have to pull something out of thin air to make that not happen. The Rockets have never been dissolved on the show, nor has Giovanni been deposed, so all that remains to be seen.
    I stand correct on the front that the anime doesn't seem to do it much ... though TM and TA have always struck me to be more leader-driven than TR anyway, so them disbanding the Teams makes some sense in that context (and it was both in the anime and Emerald, and I think Pokespecial too; re: games, it depends on if you're playing Ruby or Sapphire).


    However, Giovanni gave up pursuing Mewtwo when it defeated him. Yes I know he doesn't remember the specifics, but there had to be a paper trail proving that it existed, with a long list of its powers. There's no way everyone who knew about it was there at the lake to lose their memories.
    I never thought of this as Giovanni 'giving up on Mewtwo', though, as much as the anime's oversight for not taking into consideration the paper trail and therefore prime material for ficcage detailing what happens after Giovanni is reminded and how his 'quest' continues. IIRC (considering I haven't seen most of Johto), the biggest reason why Giovanni appeared to give up at the end of the film is because he'd just forgotten, and anything after that was never really focussed on in favour of new 'conquests' and different Teams. I don't think it ever specifically states he gave up, though not showing the pursuit could hold implication that he did ... then again it doesn't prove that he did (glass half empty/full type thing, I guess). I prefer to think of it in the latter form, because c'mon, when would Giovanni ever give up on a power he knows is there and thwarted him?


    Well, it's series logic more than specifically anime. And sometimes things happen that contradict normal logic. Like if I was to write about Bashou's Steelix resisting grass attacks, that's canon, even though it makes no logical sense even with the rest of the series. I'd just have to figure out *why* his and no other can do that.

    And all those things exist in the series. I just turn the volume up. (Let's face it, if someone was to have written the whole "Lucario is angsty because his trainer abandoned him only he didn't really because he didn't want Lucario to know he was going to kill himself to save the kingdom" thing in a fanfic, people would have thought it was too mature a subject for the show)
    Nyeh, I knew there was a sentence I'd forgotten to edit.

    The idea of Bashou's steelix resisting grass attacks but having a plausible excuse for it is different, though, because it contradicts the logic of the series itself, rather than the logic of realism; therefore, it must have an in-series reason for doing so (even if it's not stated and has to be fan-made). It's not exactly a plot device so much as a characteristic of a single pokemon which may have reason for having that characteristic ... and I have no idea if this is making sense or not. Either way, I wouldn't have counted it in the same field as TR blasting off unharmed.


    In any case, I still wouldn't really count it as an excuse for using faulty logic, because it really is just a plot device for a franchise aimed mostly at children. Also, take into consideration that (again, IIRC, and considering my track record thus far maybe I should just quit now, lol), the portrayal of police work, while sidelined, hasn't been shown as any different to real-life police work (the existence of pokemon notwithstanding). The Teams certainly may have been applied with that plot device, but the police force isn't a team, it's a government branch. If you want to follow on with that logic then you'd almost have to say the entire Pokemon world would collapse if their president/prime minister/champion/whoever rules the Pokemon world was killed--and if it was that easy, Giovanni would've just swamped them with assassins by now and won (I mean, no one knows who he is; he's got a political foot in the door to walk up and stab any number of people in the back).

    Eh, anyway.


    Depends. Is that an official review request confirmation?
    I s'pose, though considering my track record it prolly won't happen anytime soon. XP

  14. #14

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    It's so difficult to say how the government works in that world. Places are divided into regions, but within just Kanto we see a queendom and mayors...and the queendom is strange because it seems to be limited to a single town. And in Sinnoh there's a barony, and usually that would be dependant on a larger monarchy, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

    I sure wish they'd outline things like that.
    The world's greatest collector as drawn by Yoru Ryu
    Fancy Jirarudan too? Then you'll enjoy my fic Obsession! (updated June 29th, 2014)
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