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Thread: War

  1. #1
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    Default War

    Well, my Doctor Who project is on hold until I can be bothered. So, let's try a Pokémon one! =D

    Chapter/part/section 1

    When I was a young child, I had read about war, famine, discrimination and religion and with none of that happening in that time, I truly thought of it as a modern and metropolitan age. People of different creed and colour and belief would get along, side by side, day and night, because they knew that it did not affect the person on the inside. Many considered this to be the start of a grand idea, much like how the industrial revolution had completely revolutionised the entire planet, instead of dedicating the planet’s time to politics and relationships, it should be a time of scientific progression. By this time, I was in university and studying the biology of Pokémon, how and why they work so well with humans.

    The Scientific Government of Kanto had offered me a large sum of money to start researching a way of making Pokémon sentient, not for any purpose, but because we could. In my youth, I was a selfish and callous person, as I didn’t care for the ‘equal rights of Pokémon,’ and the money dangled before me like a carrot in front of a donkey was all the persuasion I needed, I accepted and immediately started into creating sentient Pokémon.

    Research was none-too-strenuous, quickly, I had found that crossing human and Pokémon Deoxyribonucleic Acid could create a race of anthropomorphised Pokémon (when discovered, the media dubbed them ‘Pokémorphs’ I still prefer anthropomorphised Pokémon), they kept the main features of their body, but they had become bipedal and more human shape. For example, a Lucario would barely change, except for height and the ability to speak Kantonese, however, a Pikachu would grow significantly. It would keep its chubby face, but from that down, it looked human with a layer of yellow fur over it, and, of course, the tail.

    Within six months, our development had rapidly grown. The DNA-crossing had now become available in the form of a quick bathing under a specific amount of Ultra-violet light. However, a human and a Pokémon would be mixed together to create a Pokémorph. This meant that the human and feral Pokémon population quickly dwindled as humans sacrificed their bodies and their favourite Pokémon’s body to create an entirely new person. This new person would be completely different to either of the ‘ingredients.’ Every Pokémorph was the same height, weight and had the same eye colour, I felt akin to Davros who had made all of his people the same by encasing them in a metal prison, but I digress.

    For twenty years, Pokémorphs and humans got along, those who had changed still went around training feral Pokémon and battling against the Elite 4 of each region and those who had decided to stay human still did as they always did. I found it beautiful. There were, of course, radicals on both sides, claiming superiority and that either side should be wiped from existence. Demonstrations and protests from both sides always took place outside of town halls, universities, gyms and Pokémon Leagues, but those who enjoyed the unity and the ‘mutliculture’ ignored the protests and carried on with their lives.

    By that time, I still had not changed. I liked being human, and also liked being the minority (in Kanto, 85% of the populous had changed into Pokémorphs). Hidden away in my laboratory in the peaceful, ‘backwards’ town of Pallet, it was a while away from protests and demonstrations and political debates. I have always assumed it was the extensive research into Pokémorphs that had made me such a social outcast and had me move to the little fishing town to the south of Kanto.

    After about five years, each side got more and more radical. Each side growing in number as a human accidentally pissed off a Pokémorph or a Pokémorph was accused of raping a young, human girl. I thought of it as petty and that each side would calm down after the election. Although, there would not actually be an ‘election,’ we still have not got one now.
    Each side had formed an army, splitting the region of Kanto in two, splitting each and every region in two, and had begun fighting. Pallet was fine, nobody wanted it, and it was not an outpost for anything. Cinnabar was easy to get to via the extended cycling road, or Fuchsia, or the ferry from Vermillion so Pallet was useless, and whoever controlled the side I was on was not interested in me either. So I carried on being hidden away in my laboratory, growing berries on the roof and trying to find a neutral zone somewhere else in the region. So far my luck was horrible.

    ***

    The Moon hung above Mount Moon eerily, casting a moonlit shadow over the group of tents. The tents, each set up perfectly, none of them were lopsided nor skew-whiff, and the khaki colour blended in –sort of- with the background. The tents had been arranged in a circle, in the centre, a pole rose up fifty foot at least and at the end of it waved a flag. The flag was white, symbolising neutrality and surrender. Each tent had a square hole cut out of the top, smoke belched out of a few of the holes.

    Those who lived there called it the ‘separation point,’ on one side was the Pokémorph controlled Cerulean and on the other was the Human controlled Pewter. In the neutral camp, both Pokémorph and Human lived together; it was not a unity of courage, but one of cowardice. Each person in the camp had been either exiled for cowardice, or they had fled their town/city/village for a neutral point so that their children would not be involved in any of the bloodshed.

    Inside one tent, one that was not belching smoke, sat one lone human. The darkness inside his tent made it impossible to see any features. It stood up and pulled out a square box from its pocket, it began to speak into the square box, the voice was male.

    “General, Separation Point is at its least protective point, move in tomorrow.”

    ***

    To be honest, I had never thought of the consequences. Once I had been offered the money to do the work, I jumped on it. The sad thing is, I did not need the money, and I have no sob story. I have nothing to persuade you that I am actually a good guy who was tempted by the idea of saving a loved one, I was just a selfish, stupid child who preferred the company of money to the company of anyone else. To be quite fair, whatever happens to me next I deserve.

    In the end, I, Samuel Oak, am dreadfully sorry for what I have caused.


    You don't see me flyin to the red
    One more you're nuts
    Just follow the day
    Follow the day and reach for the sun


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  2. #2
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    Wow, that's an interesting take on the Pokemorph idea. Any story where Kanto is in a civil war is one that I like. Other than that, that really reminded me of something from Jurassic Park (the book). That's seldom a bad thing. Anyways, that was very good, and I'll be back later.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  3. #3
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    Hey there.

    I really liked the idea of pokemorph, people changing into pokemon (and killing other people) is an attractive idea, and it is even more combined with a civil war ravaging every region, not just Kanto.

    However, if 85% of Kanto's population became a pokemorph, how is it that they haven't overwhelmed the region yet?? even assuming the other 15% is split bewteen regular people and army, and that not every single pokemorph fights, Kanto should have been already overwhelmed by the Pokemorphs. Perhaps you were saving that detail for further chapters, but still, it catched my attention.

    When I found out Samuel Oak was the scientist I went like o.O... I'm sure the fic holds more surprises, and it is very well written by the way.

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next chapter
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  4. #4
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    It's a very intresting idea, and you wrote it well too. I agree with RoflLuxray though, surely it would be easy for the Pokemorphs to overthrow the humans? And surely they would have all of their pokemon attacks to use on the humans too?

    Anyway, there are a few things you need to improve on. Firstly, you could of done with giving it a bit more description - mount moon could of been better described. Secondly, describe the pokemon - don't just presume that everyone can perfectly remember them. Also, explain a bit about the citys - same as above.

    It is well written other than that, and I'll be back for chapter 2.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  5. #5
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    Jun 2004
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    Some grammatical nitpicks:

    When I was a young child, I had read about war, famine, discrimination and religion and with none of that happening in that time, I truly thought of it as a modern and metropolitan age.
    The wording "that" is ambiguous; I know you probably mean that there is no war, famine, discrimination and religion happening in Oak's time, but it could also be easily misinterpreted that all those things weren't happening in the earlier time period Oak is reading about.

    For clarity's sake as well, place a comma between "and" and "with."

    ... and the money dangled before me like a carrot in front of a donkey was all the persuasion I needed, I accepted and immediately started into creating sentient Pokémon.
    Change the comma in red to a semicolon or a period.

    Research was none-too-strenuous, quickly, I had found that crossing human and Pokémon Deoxyribonucleic Acid could create a race of anthropomorphised Pokémon (when discovered, the media dubbed them ‘Pokémorphs’ I still prefer anthropomorphised Pokémon), they kept the main features of their body, but they had become bipedal and more human shape.
    First comma in red could be a period or a semicolon. The second should be a period.

    For twenty years, Pokémorphs and humans got along, those who had changed still went around training feral Pokémon and battling against the Elite 4 of each region and those who had decided to stay human still did as they always did.
    Comma in red should be a period.

    I thought of it as petty and that each side would calm down after the election. Although, there would not actually be an ‘election,’ we still have not got one now.
    I don't get the second sentence. Feels repetitive. Feels kind of clunky as well with the "there would not actually be."

    The Moon hung above Mount Moon eerily, casting a moonlit shadow over the group of tents.
    moonmoonmoonmoon *shot* Moon shouldn't be capitalized (for the record, you only capitalize words like "moon" or "sun" if its in context with other celestial bodies, like Earth).

    Shadows cannot cast "moonlit" radiance; they are cast because something is blocking the "moonlight." I get what you mean, though. ;P Personally, I'd get rid of it because you already have two "moons" in this sentence.

    The tents, each set up perfectly, none of them were lopsided nor skew-whiff, and the khaki colour blended in –sort of- with the background. The tents had been arranged in a circle, in the centre, a pole rose up fifty foot at least and at the end of it waved a flag. The flag was white, symbolising neutrality and surrender. Each tent had a square hole cut out of the top, smoke belched out of a few of the holes.
    People still use "skew-whiff" these days?

    Most of the sentences need to be retweaked because they are incomplete or there's a comma splice somewhere. Example edit:

    The tents, each set up perfectly, were not lopsided nor skew-whiff, and the khaki colour blended in –- sort of -- with the background. The tents had been arranged in a circle; in the centre, a pole rose up fifty foot at least, and at the end of it waved a flag. The flag was white, symbolising neutrality and surrender. Each tent had a square hole cut out of the top, smoke belching out of a few of the holes.

    Those who lived there called it the ‘separation point,’ on one side was the Pokémorph controlled Cerulean and on the other was the Human controlled Pewter.
    Comma in red should be a period. Put a hyphen between the "pokemorph/human-controlled" words.

    The darkness inside his tent made it impossible to see any features. It stood up and pulled out a square box from its pocket, it began to speak into the square box, the voice was male.
    Commas in red should be periods.

    You already indicated that the human was male in the first sentence. So either change the "it"s to "his/he" or change the first "his" to "its."

    Anyway! Hello! I like your narrative style. Your first person-narrative was enjoyable (a kind of weird thing to say considering what's taking place). It was an interesting way to tell of the pokemorph's history and the consequences of their creation. You can feel older Oak's regret near the end and his struggle to find peace within the war-torn region.

    The scene that took place in Mt. Moon was intriguing though kind of abrupt (the first section of the first person narrative sort of ended on an unfinished note IMO ... not that there's anything wrong with that). Either way, I predict something terrible happening. I wonder why someone want want to set up a neutral camp in between two rivaling sections; it seems that it would be safer to make a camp that is at least some ways away from the fighting. Well, at not in the middle of it. I figure one of the sides is going to try to take over and claim it.

    I do mimic everyone else's queries about the pokemorphs not just using their powers to wipe out the humans. Not unless it's more of an aesthetic thing; the pokemorphs just look like pokemorphs but didn't inherit their powers. Still, I figure there might be some physical advantage by crossing the two species. The human side, at least in Kanto, is heavily unmatched (85% pokemorphs o_O), so I figure the fight wouldn't take too long for the pokemorphs anyway.

    I also get that someone may not be able to foresee the consequences of creating pokemorphs, but doing it, literally, "for the lulz" is just ... huh at best. I figure there must be a physical advantage in doing it (I assume that the humans who rushed to do it were doing it for some sort of physical, perhaps even mental, advantage) ... And if that's the case, then I'm not sure why the pokemorphs haven't decimated the remaining humans anyway. And if they don't get the powers and just an aesthetic difference (and a new start on life, in a way), I don't get why a human would want to do it. I mean, it's intriguing ... but I feel like the reasoning, perhaps what constitutes the pokemorph, could be hammered out a bit, if not now but in later chapters.

    Overall, it's a little shaky in grammar (though not enough to hinder my enjoyment) and you have a good handle on writing first person.

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