“You’re as energetic as always, Chiro,” The director chuckled. “How about you, Kita?”
"The" is fine written lowercase, because it's a continuation of the earlier sentence.
The three continued down the path through the shady jungle
. The cries and sounds of many pokemon echoed through the steamy jungle
. The thick trees and vines grew above the path, but the way was clear, so the three walked away from Relic Academy, each step taking them further from home than they had ever been before.
Use of the word "jungle" twice seems a bit redundant.
Later chapters (2-7):
Along the way, Elomir noticed a few cutpurses, thieves, and other characters in the allies
as well, but decided it was best to leave them alone.
Leon got the meaning of it quickly, as Elomir tried to communicate with him. As Elomir turned to go, Leon studied Allia intently. It had taken him a bit longer than Elomir, but Leon had finally realized that Allia was a female Flygon. Leon easily noticed the intense, almost hungry looks Allia was giving to Elomir
That was both extremely cute and exceedingly creepy at the same time...XP
“Elomir, you could just leave that human behind, and start a new life in the desert, living the rest of us Flygon
,” Allia suggested.
This phrase would sound better as "...living like
the rest of us Flygon" or "...living with
the rest of us Flygon."
The two Flygon were off, leaving Leon alone. Leon noticed the faint scent of pheromone and musk the two had started giving off once the other Flygon had left.
To pass the time, he inventoried his remaining supplies. If they both had to eat the food, they would only last 4 days. If Elomir found his own food, then the supplies might last 8 to 10 days. To keep enough water between the scarce springs and oases, they would travel in the very early morning and evening.
If I saw two animals or Pokemon that seemed attracted to each other, I think the scent of pharamones would be the last thing on my mind. Leon's reaction to the infatuation of his Flyon could be an excellent opportunity to further his characterization - is he happy for Elomir, does he think it's funny, or is he largely apathetic? He must be quite the analytical scientist if his only reaction to Elomir and Allia's flirtation is an observation on what chemicals are involved.
Furthermore, it seems as if your Pokemon are at least partially humanlike for the most part, but here you made them sound a bit too much like animals. Yes, most creatures release such chemicals, but it just seems like an odd thing to comment on - and it's a bit inconsistent with earlier characterization.
Other than that, though, these last few chapters were pretty good!
“And when has the mapped
helped us as we were lost for two weeks?” Draconis asked as his tail flicked back and forth, as it does when he is perturbed. “And it didn’t point out the territories of wild pokemon that we keep running into and having to fight. I think I still have a bruise from those Geodude we fought two days ago
There's nothing wrong with the second emboldened phrase, but it does seem like you're trying to write backstory into dialogue, which isn't always the best strategy and should be used only every once in a while. To me, it seems as if Draconis would indeed mention the Geodude and the subsuquent damage he sustained from his skirmish with them, but the "two days ago" part seems a little unnatural. There's no shame in taking an introductory paragraph or so and writing a quick summary.
From the heat the water was giving off, Leon could tell it was burning hot, and felt sorry for Elomir, and made his way across safely.
This sentence seems like a run-on. Too many instances of "and."
Further discussion was interrupted as the Unown began showing a second series of images, this time about the war against Nerezzik. It began with a blonde-haired young man and a Gardevoire
“I’m well aware of that. I’ve put many of our aerial pokemon on locating how many such pokemon they have. That way we’ll be able to keep track of them.”
Wait...if they have aerial Pokemon, then it seems like they could escape the siege, correct?
Annox looked away from the pokemon his friend had just killed, feeling sick again. To his side, one of Midern’s soldiers was fighting against one from Rinn. The two traded blows, until the Rinn soldier got the upper hand and finished off the other. Annox looked back at Draconis, who was already surrounded by blood and death. Did war really mean throwing away all compassion, and showing no mercy?
No, Annox decided. That wasn’t the way it had to be. He didn’t have to enjoy fighting, but if it meant protecting his friends, then he could do it. Annox once again charged, facing an enemy Quagsire. Annox unleashed his razor leaf attack, and the Quagsire collapsed, covered in small cuts.
Love this quote, and it's true...definitely agree with it!
“I’ll keep that in mind, but don’t expect any help from me.”
Elomir seems a bit...apathetic towards his former trainer, both here and before leaving. Of course his attraction to Allia plays a role, but he seemed to experience very little remorse upon departure from his old friend. While as a character Elomir did never seem like the emotional type, seen through his interactions with other Pokemon such as the Wingull, it seems he could have at least felt a wave of compassion for his former companion.
“How silly,” Palak said. “We Flygon can just go about without clothes, and we’re fine. It also gives us a chance to show off our fine bodies to the females.” Palak puffed up his chest and assumed an intimidating posture.
Malak rolled his eyes at his brother. “Not that there are any our age near this part of the desert.”
Palak deflated. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Best line ever! XDDD
They approached with caution, and soon it’s
deep booming voice broke upon them.
Don't place an apostrophe unless using it's as a contraction for it is.
EPIC legendary confrontations, by the way!
Everyone crossed the area of broken rocks safely and they continued up the trail. Lucario and Kita walked much closer together now, each glancing at the other from time to time. As the sun was setting, the group finally reached a flat area near the top of the mountain. A sheer stone wall with strange markings led up to a massive nest where Ho-Oh was sitting. Ho-Oh glided down from her perch, and stood tall and powerful as she landed. Her rainbow feathers shimmered in the setting sun.
Two things -
1. Yay romance! XD
2. Your description here was just...beautiful. Imaginative and captivating.
Soon it grew too dark to see much, but the view of the stars from the peak was amazing. They all looked at the bands and swirls of twinkling stars for a while as they drifted off. Lucario was laying next to Corvon and was about to drift off when he was awakened by Kita laying next to him. He opened one eye a moment, and looked at her before shutting it and going to sleep.
In a word, awesome!
Ch. 25: One of my favorite chapters.
“We’re running low on water, so the oasis sounds good,” Leon said. The water in his almost empty canteen swishing
as he took each step.