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Thread: The Saga of Team Supernova (rated PG 13)

  1. #126
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    Awesome chapter. I'm subscribing to this thread.

    I can only afford one short comment, since I have to go help Mom with the dishes again. Keep up the good work! I'll be waaatchiiing yoouuu...

    Zora: Stalker.
    Last edited by Smart Alex; 26th March 2008 at 5:35 PM.
    Yes, I am sarcastic. No, I am not some emo goth-type cutter person. Yes, that is a muffin on my shoulder. And yes, I am VERY MUCH an ETERNAL POKEMON FREAK!! ...so get that in yer head, and all will be good.

    Who else can take down an angry legendary, all while maintaining a sense of cynicality?"PMD: Song of Rage," coming soon to an SPPF near you.

  2. #127
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    @ Koridojo_Blaziken: Well, it just goes to show you. You never (and when I say never, I mean NEVER) come between Tristan and his friends. Articuno learned this the hard way unfortunately.

    @ ~*lopunny_diva*~: Don't worry about it. Better late than never, as many people (including myself) say. And glad you liked it. This time around, I'm definitely making a point to intensify my battle scenes.

    Hehe... I guess the Anime engrained into my mind that Chansey was a nurse... It wasn't too... cliche was it?

    @ Smart Alex: Thanks. Here's hoping to get back into a normal routine now...

    @ Everyone: Just thought you ought to know, I was really excited to post the next chapter back when I was on Nsider, and I still am today. It was one of those chapters you plan to have right at the beginning of a fanfic. It may not contain an awesome battle scene, or any action like that, but... well you'll see when it gets posted.
    Last edited by FocusPresenceEndurance; 10th April 2008 at 2:23 AM.


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

  3. #128
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    Hoo...What a chapter! Excellent fighting scene there! (is a sucker for action scenes).

    The plot seems to be moving along well, and an encounter with Dave is going to be very interesting, it seems. I wonder how its going to turn out.

    One thing that bothered me si that Articuno did seem rather desperate to kill off Tristan if he even took hostages. Since he didn't even know why he was to kill Tristan, it confused me about his motives and actions. You might have wanted to elaborate a little bit more on that. (Though I may be shoving my foot in my mouth soon)

    I can see from the above post that you're pretty excited about the next chappie. Well, you aren't alone! I'm looking forward to it!

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  4. #129
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    Awsome action. That was a really cool fight scene.

    I can't wait to see the naxt chapter. You really know how to keep the suspense going.

    ( I lilke your sig.)
    Einstein: If life is XYZ then X = having fun Y = working hard and Z = knowing when to keep your mouth shut

  5. #130
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    awesome chapter. The fight scene was definitely awesome
    I loled at articuno when he almost cussed :P (well not really but it was really funny)
    i really look forward to your next chapter

    Credit to MagicMochi for jolteon/leafeon banner.

  6. #131
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    That was good especially the fight scene.That was the best battle so far. The next chapter seems promising. Cant't wait for it
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    Oh Pochama. Will you ever stop amusing your adoring fans with your uneeded presence and ability to attract more attention than moé in pink boots? I should say not.

  7. #132
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    sorry for neglecting to review for so long; my memory isnt too trustworthy.

    anyways, those last few chapters were amazing. you had some good, creative battles and combos, most of them Tristan's, and the story's plot has revealed another piece of itself. i think my only problem was the way you described Tristan's use of the Link Box. all you said was "he linked all four of his moves at once." how did he use it? every little detail can prove to be important, and as you know im pretty picky when it comes to the little details. aside from that little Link Box incident, you did very well, as usual.

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    @ Glitch: I see what you mean. Articuno does have his reasons for trying to kill Tristan as quick as possible, though. You'll find out in later chapters.

    @ Blademaster_Jale: Ooh! I was wonderin if something might have happened. Anyway, yeah, I was trying to think of ways of how to use a "link box." I just couldn't get any "good" ideas though. It is a pretty weird item that does a pretty unusual thing. Trying to describe it might end up just too confusing. Either way, thanks for the review.


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

  9. #134
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    Chapter 16


    Best Friend. Dave’s Response.


    It was a calm, quiet and mild morning that day in the village. The sun had not quite risen above the horizon, but still made its presence known with a bright yellow aura that penetrated through the vast empty blueness. A single star was all that remained of the night sky. Despite the early hour, however, there was one Pokemon walking along the dirt path towards the Pokemon village.

    “Today’s the day,” Tristan thought, as he walked along the path, the team base disappearing from sight behind him as he rounded a corner. “Today, I will talk to Dave, and tell who I really am.” As he continued to walk, he looked up to the sky. “He’ll be stunned when he realizes it’s me.” At this thought, Tristan became even more anxious and quickened his pace.

    The sun was visible over the horizon now, the eastern sky surrounding it a radiant yellow. The village was slowly rising as the new day approached. The Kecleons were seen filling their shelves with new merchandise and placing up new advertisements. Kangaskan was checking her storage, making sure everything was accounted for and organized. Persian from the Felicity Bank counted the money back in his vault, assuring everything was where he’d left it. Slowly but surely, the entire town was preparing for the oncoming tide of rescue teams, which would turn this now quiet town, into a busy rescue center.

    A Raichu was standing in the middle of the now empty Pokemon Square, tail flicking eagerly to get going with his mission. Dave had finished his part of the preparations for the departure, which was to deposit their earnings at the Felicity Bank. Now all he could do was wait while the rest of his team completed their duties.

    “Perfect,” Tristan thought, upon arriving at the Square. It felt like the ideal situation he’d wanted. It was almost too good to be true. Dave noticed his approach very quickly, responding with a cheerful wave. Even now, Tristan still found it hard to believe that he was only about half Dave’s height. As a human, he was a good deal taller. It would take a while to get used to this.

    “Hang on…” Dave, said, holding up a hand when Tristan arrived. He appeared to be concentrating on something. “It’s… Tristan, right? Did I get it?”

    “Yeah, that’s me.”

    “SCORE!!!” Dave shouted jumping up in triumph. He settled back down again before he spoke. “I usually forget names. I’m the worst with them sometimes.”

    “Yeah, I know,” Tristan answered.

    “Huh?” Dave asked, a puzzled look on his face. “How would you know?”

    Tristan was silent a moment. He’d actually said that comment on purpose, hoping to lead the conversation to where he wanted. It worked like a charm. Now, at this point, however, he struggled with what he would say next. He lowered his voice slightly. “I... I need to tell you something.”

    “Well sure,” Dave answered, confused further by the seriousness in Tristan’s voice. “I’m all ears.”

    Tristan tried to find a way to word his thoughts, which it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. “This may shock you…” Tristan started, without the intention of a horrible pun, “But… I’m a human, just like you. Not any human,” he rushed on, “We were friends. No, not just friends. Best friends. You remember me, right? It’s me, Tristan.”

    Dave thought a moment, rubbing his chin with what he had for an arm. His eyes suddenly began to widen, upon realizing who was standing before him. “… Tristan?” he asked again slowly, “is… is that you?”

    “You remember me then?”

    “Of course I remember you! You were my best friend. How could I ever forget something like that?”

    “You don’t know how much that means to me,” Tristan said with a sigh of relief. This was exactly what he wanted.

    “Oh, so much has happened since I’ve last seen you!” Dave exclaimed, excitedly, “I have to tell you all about it. I saved the world, Tristan! I actually saved the world!”

    “So I’ve heard,” replied Tristan. “But did you leave any action for me?” Dave laughed at this comment, causing Tristan to smirk. Dave could be made to laugh so easily.

    From behind, another voice called, “Hey! Dave!” Tristan turned to see Sceptile approaching, accompanied by the bleary eyed Typhlosion. “We’re ready to…” he stopped to notice Tristan next to Dave. “Oh. Hey there, Tristan. S’up?”

    “Tristan,” Dave exclaimed excitedly, causing Sceptile to jump in surprise. “This is Sceptile! He’s been my best friend while I was a Pokemon. Sceptile, this is Tristan! He was my best friend when I was a human. Isn’t that something?”

    Sceptile didn’t soak it all in at first, but soon managed to overcome his shock and warm up the idea. “Well,” he said, “This is a surprise. But anyone who is a friend of Dave, is a friend of mine.” He extended his claws down towards Tristan to shake, but Tristan didn’t shake it right away.

    “Did you hear that, brother?” a voice came from the edge of the square. “Tristan’s a human!”

    “Tristan? Who’s Tristan?” another voice came.

    The rush beginning, a crowd was starting to form around the square to see the spectacle at hand. But it didn’t feel right. Where had they all come from all of a sudden?

    “Didn’t you hear, he’s part of a new rescue team, Team Supernova.” Another voice sounded.

    “I’ve heard they defeated a legendary, despite their low levels.”

    “That’s amazing!” another voice came.

    In the middle of the square, Tristan stood facing Sceptile. To think that not even a day ago, he thought that no one would believe or accept him as a human. Relieved, he moved to take Sceptile up on the hand shake, looking up at the green creature. But he never actually felt their hands touch. Tristan looked forward again to see that his hand had gone right through Sceptile’s.

    “What!?” he thought, shocked. Sceptile was also becoming blurry and was beginning to fade away. He looked around to see that Dave, too, was fading. In fact, everything and everyone around him were mixing and swirling around him, into a mess of colours.

    “What’s happening? What’s going on?” he cried in confusion.

    He opened his eyes.

    It was morning, and when Tristan sat up to see where he was, his heart sank when he realized he was back in the straw bed of his team base.

    “… it was… a dream,” He thought, disappointed. He stumbled out of bed, parts of his body still aching from his clash with Articuno. Other than this he was still amazed with how fast he’d healed. Had he been a human, he was sure he’d have been bed ridden for weeks. Still half-awake he headed for the door, picking up an apple from the table as he went. As he stepped out, the already risen sun greeted him with blinding light.

    “Crap! I slept in!” he thought, alarmed. Shoving the apple down his throat, he sprinted along the path toward Pokemon village, passing a team or two along the way. This was not what he’d wanted. Sleeping in risked the chance he had of catching Dave alone. But no matter the condition, no matter the situation, he had already concluded he would talk to Dave. He continued to run until he arrived at the Pokemon Square. Tristan was thankful to see that Dave was there in the middle of the Square, alone. Though, to one side of the Square there were two other Pokemon who were having a quiet conversation. Dave noticed his approach very quickly, responding with a cheerful wave.

    “Hang on…” Dave said, holding up a hand when Tristan arrived. He appeared to be concentrating on something. “It’s… Tristan right? Did I get it?”

    “Yeah, that’s me.”

    “SCORE!!!” Dave shouted jumping up in triumph. He settled back down again before he spoke. “I usually forget names. I’m the worst with them sometimes.”

    “Yeah, I know,” Tristan answered.

    “Huh?” Dave asked, a puzzled look on his face. “How would you know?”

    Tristan was silent a moment. This all seemed awfully familiar. In fact it was the exact same thing of what had happened in his dream. Could it have meant something? What would happen if he said and did the exact same things? Would it turn out the same? “Only one way to find out,” he thought as he went to try to remember what he had said next.

    “Er… Hello?” Dave asked, bringing Tristan back to his senses. “You blanked out there.”

    “Oh, sorry,” Tristan said, as he recalled what would come next. He lowered his voice slightly. “I... I need to tell you something.”

    “Well, sure,” Dave answered, confused by the seriousness in Tristan’s voice. “I’m all ears.”

    Tristan tried to find a way to word his thoughts, but it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. “This may shock you…” Tristan started, without the intention of a horrible pun, “But… I’m a human, just like you. Not any human,” he rushed on, “We were friends. No, not just friends. Best friends. You remember me, right? It’s me, Tristan.”

    This was it. The moment he was waiting for. The moment that Dave would come to realize it was him. Time seemed to slow as he waited for the answer. The only sound he could hear was the sound of the blood pumping through his body. The only part of Dave that Tristan was focussing on was his mouth, as he watched it frown slightly. He watched it change shape to form into one simple word.

    No.

    It took a moment for Tristan to register it. Even then he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. Maybe he wasn’t listening right. That couldn’t have been the answer, it wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear! “Wh… wh… wh… what did you say?” he stuttered.

    “I said, No.”

    It was like a blow to the stomach this time. He’d heard it. There was no mistaking it. Dave… Dave had actually said no. The word he was dreading. This wasn’t what had happened in the dream. This wasn’t supposed to happen! The look on Dave’s face was one of confusion and slight concern

    “…Tristan,” he said, head tilted. “What are you talking about?”

    “I’m…” Tristan tried to speak, his voice trembling, it felt like his insides were hollow “I was… I was your best friend! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER!”

    Dave couldn’t come up with the words to respond to this. He made a pathetic attempt at a laugh, hoping it was a joke, but looking at how serious Tristan was, he quickly shut his mouth again.

    “Hey! Dave!” came a voice from behind. Tristan turned to see Sceptile approaching, accompanied by the bleary eyed Typhlosion. “We’re ready to…” before he finished his sentence, though, he noticed the distraught expression etched across Dave’s face. “Dave?” he asked, concerned, “What’s up?”

    Dave shook his head slightly; opening and closing his mouth over and over, unable to fill them with a single syllable. Tristan looked nervously up at Sceptile. If this were his dream, he would’ve been about to shake hands with him. Now he wasn’t sure.

    “C’mon Dave, speak,” Sceptile said again. It was a useless effort.

    “We saw what happened,” came a voice from the side. It belonged to one of the Pokemon who’d been at the edge of the square. This one was not as tall as Sceptile, but easily taller than Dave. He resembled a pink canine that stood on his hind legs. The most noticeable feature was his large lower jaws, which seemed to be capable of immense crushing power. He was also wearing a black metal studded collar around his neck, as well as two black wristbands. If Tristan remembered correctly, Totodile had told him that this Pokemon’s name was Granbull.

    “We heard the whole thing,” said the other Pokemon, appearing from behind Granbull. Apparently they had been eavesdropping on his conversation. Which wasn’t something that happened in the dream either. This Pokemon was more Tristan’s height, though still slightly taller. His main body was long and skinny, resembling the stem of a plant. The same could be said for his feet as well, which were also very slim, resembling roots. Rather than having hands, instead there were leaves, and his head was yellow and bell shaped, with a pinkish ring around the end, which must have been lips. This was a Bellsprout. Tristan definitely remembered Totodile telling him this.

    “Well?” Sceptile asked raising his hands, impatiently, “Spit it out!”

    “This Cubone here was trying to tell Dave that he was a human,” Granbull began, heavy with skepticism. “And he also said that when they were humans, they were friends and that Dave should somehow remember him.”

    “Of course, Dave didn’t remember such a thing,” Bellsprout continued, “But the Cubone here wouldn’t take no for an answer, and began to throw a tantrum. That’s when you came in.”

    Sceptile grimaced, clenching his teeth tightly, causing the seed he’d been chewing on to snap in his mouth. He glared down at Tristan. “What’s this all about!?”

    Tristan shook his head desperately, feeling as if the world was crashing around him. He turned back to Dave, hands clasped together as if begging. “Please Dave! Please remember! You’ve gotta! You were my best friend, my only friend!”

    “I… I’m sorry Tristan!” Dave managed to reply, not knowing what else to say, “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

    “LISTEN, BUDDY!!” Sceptile snapped, fiercely, drawing Tristan’s attention quickly back to him. “Who do you think you are, just coming up to Dave like that?” As he was saying this, passing teams and villagers began to stop to watch the spectacle. “What makes you think you can go around claiming you’re a human? You’re just trying to steal Dave’s credit for saving the world! Well you’ve got another thing coming, bud! And stop saying you were his best friend! You weren’t a human, and he doesn’t remember you!” He drew even closer to Tristan, lowering his head, as he pointed directly at him. “And remember this! Dave is my friend! Were you the one who ran across the entire continent with him when he was a fugitive and no one else believed in him? No! It was me who stuck with him through those hard times! SO JUST GET LOST, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!!”

    Tristan could hardly believe his ears. What was going on? Why was this happening? This was nothing like his dream; in fact, it was exactly the opposite, a terrible nightmare.

    “Did you hear, brother?” a voice said coming from one of the Pokemon in the gathering crowd, “that guy thinks he’s a human.”

    “It’s obvious that he’s just trying to take some of Dave’s glory,” another Pokemon answered, “He knows full well that he’s a Pokemon.”

    “Dears, who said it? Who does he think he is?”

    “I think his name is Tristan, from… Team Supernova. Don’t know much about them, though.”

    “Must be a pretty minor team then.”

    “Hey, aren’t they the team that gave Team Supreme a hard time?”

    One voice, however, more authoritative than the rest, carried above all the others. “Step aside! Let us through!” As the crowd parted, creating a fairly wide passage through the crowd of people. Beyond that the bridge to the village could be seen, and beyond that the forest. Proceeding through the newly made passage Charizard, and Tyranitar entered and approached the center of the square. “What’s the problem, Team Blue?” Charizard demanded.

    “He’s the problem,” Sceptile answered, pointing back at Tristan with his thumb, “He’s absolutely mocking Dave here, trying to act like a human or something. And he won’t quit harassing him either.”

    Tyranitar shook his head and he drew nearer. “You and your team are nothing but trouble, first stealing missions, now this.”

    “Why…” Tristan thought to himself. He was on the verge of tears, but he knew he couldn’t let any show. As if crying would do him any good here. He looked back up at Dave, who was tense, distraught and looked as if he wanted to help Tristan in someway, but just didn’t know how. “Why, Dave!?” he shouted out.

    “You just don’t know when to shut up, do you!” Sceptile snapped, stepping between him and Dave, blocking their view of each other. Tristan stepped back, fearing harm from Dave’s defensive friend, only to bump into something behind him. He turned around only to see the towering figure of Tryanitar. Tristan stumbled back, panicking. Sceptile, Typhlosion, Charizard and Tyranitar surrounded him on all four sides; all of them seeming like mountains from Tristan’s point of view as their glares pressed down on him.

    “If this is some sort of joke,” Charizard snarled, “It’s not funny!”

    “I’ve had just about enough of this,” Tyranitar stated, “we don’t need people like you in our village.”

    “I agree,” Typhlosion spoke up, wakened by the tension in the air. “Get out of here!”

    Tristan now looked down, his fists trembling. He knew Dave couldn’t see him, but he was sure that he could still hear him. “Dave…” he said slowly, ignoring the crowd around him, which was beginning to become increasingly loud with shouts of anger and ridicule. He struggled to fight back another tear, clenching his bone so hard it might have gouged holes into it. Then, at the top of his lungs, yelled, “YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE!!”

    With this, Tristan turned and ran as fast as he could out of the square through the gap that Charizard and Tyranitar had entered through. He wanted nothing to do with this world anymore; he hated it, he detested it! It was just like the human world. He would be alone all over again, with no friends to turn to. It was a sickening feeling.

    “That’s it!” he heard Charizard call after him, “GET OUT OF HERE!!”

    Sceptile's voice, not moments later added, “AND LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!!”

    ***

    “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Totodile said to Torchic, as they both hurried along the path towards the village. They had arrived at the team base only to find it empty. Totodile had given a troubled look before sprinting off, leaving Torchic to try to catch up.

    “How can you tell,” she asked, finally catching up.

    “It’s something he said back in Frosty Forest. When we were talking about our pasts. I don’t know… I just picked up on something weird,” Totodile began. “He said that he only had one friend in the human world. And that he had somehow vanished from it completely. He said he never saw his friend again as a human.”

    “And you think– ?” Torchic began to ask.

    “The only human I know besides Tristan is Dave! And you remember how Team Supreme treated Tristan when he told them he was a human!”

    “That seems a little far fetched Totodile,” Torchic said doubtfully, “What are the chances of that?”

    “Not much,” Totodile admitted. “But it’s still possible. And Tristan knew that Dave would be leaving for an early mission today. What if he’d gone and tried to talk to him?”

    “But Dave has no human memories of being a human!” Torchic responded, finally beginning to share some of her teammate’s worry.

    “Exactly! But Tristan doesn’t know this. And what will happen when he finds out? What will happen if nobody believes he’s a human?”

    “Disaster! That’s what!” Torchic answered, beginning to pick up her speed, beginning to outrun Totodile. “C’mon! It might be too late!”

    Ahead of them, they began to hear voices. Many voices in fact, and all angry. Almost as if there was an entire mob ahead of them. Though they couldn’t make out any of what was being yelled, both Torchic and Totodile were sure they weren’t compliments. As they rounded the corner, the scene spread out before them, and the source of the commotion became apparent. A large crowd had gathered around the Pokemon Square. In the center of the crowd stood Team Blue and Team ACT excluding Alakazam, both facing in their general direction, but not looking at them. But the figure that stood out more than all the others, was Tristan, who had just crossed the wooden bridge and was now sprinting their way.

    “Tristan!” Torchic shouted, trying to catch his attention. It was as if her words hadn’t even reached him. With his head only directed at the dirt path before his feet, Tristan didn’t even look up to see them as he ran by, pushing them aside as he went. The tears he struggled so hard to hold back, now freely streaming from his eyes. From either side of the road all his friends could do was watch as he kept running and running.

    “Tristan!” Totodile called after him, already knowing he wouldn’t be heard. “Come back!”

    Only moment’s later, Tristan disappeared from view, back into the woods, leaving thoughts of shock and horror in both of his friends’ minds.

    To be continued…
    Last edited by FocusPresenceEndurance; 9th April 2008 at 3:50 PM.


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

  10. #135
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    Whoa...I have no idea how I did it, but I read the entire story so far today. Heck, you even posted a new chapter while I was reading.

    Be aware that I've never played the Mystery Dungeon games (I just never bought them), but this is making me want the games even more. This is an awesome story. Wow. I'm...I'm blown away. The battles are epic, you have given the reader a whole lot to digest. This is incredible. The characters are perfect. I am glad I decided to read this.

    The last chapter was great. I really feel for Tristan. He is just an awesome character, one of the best that I've ever read. Can't wait for the next chapter.

    Now being reposted!


  11. #136
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    A short chapter but there was a lot of emotion in it. I loved this one and I can't wait for the next one.
    Einstein: If life is XYZ then X = having fun Y = working hard and Z = knowing when to keep your mouth shut

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    ...wh...wh...

    whoa. o-o

    Seriously. That's all I can say.

    Wow.

    May post more later.


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

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    sigh... poor Tristan. all he did was try to become reaquainted with his friend, and ended up with the whole town after his head. and i must say, that scene was written quite well. i nearly felt Tristan's grief and disbelief at the thought that his friend had forgotten him, and then his final sentence really did it. i am really looking forward to the next chapter now!

    ps: chapter fourteen in my own story will be posted tonight, i promise!
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    Some stories I reccomend reading:

    The Saga of Team Supernova By: FocusPresenceEndurance
    Lost Evolution By: elyvorg
    And my new story:
    Fading Tendrils

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    I already posted, but I've thought about the story some more. I just couldn't get it out of my head.

    I can really feel for Tristan here. I've had many similar sorta situations where I feel like I'm lonely and out of place. But man, nowhere near as bad as Tristan as a human or Pokemon. This is what makes this such a great story for me: the connection I can feel with the characters. There are many carefree moments during your story. But its really the much more emotional and deep stuff, like the last chapter, that gives this story a great feel.

    I have now actually started considering whether or not to do a Mystery Dungeon story. I would need to get a hold of the games though, but maybe not. Like I said in my first post, this is a great story. Please PM me when this next chapter is complete.

    Now being reposted!


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    Okay. Now that I've calmed down some from the shock, I can talk logically.

    Wow. Talk about a twist, huh? One moment you think you've found a long lost friend, and the next you've got everybody wanting your head on a spike. And meanwhile, after you've ran away from it all, your two friends are likewise exiled for supporting you. That really sucks.

    But it was an awesome chapter, don't get me wrong. Even if I already saw it coming, lol.

    (Huh? Wait a minute. I remember that something like this happened when Blaziken was framed for jumping the other teams. It was a completely different Pokemon (you'll find out eventually in my fic), but the experience actually made him serious-minded for a while. And I'd thought that wasn't possible, knowing him. o-O)


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

  16. #141
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    This was a really good chapter. I like how the parallels between dream and reality sort of build up a tension when you know reality starts to be different.

    Link to my fanfic.
    I was Superkeeleybro on Nsider
    Another great fanfic is The Saga of Team Supernova by FPE

  17. #142
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    Hey, there! I seemed to have missed a great part of these chapters, but I'll try reviewing anyway, starting at the beginning.

    Hopefully my comments will be of some help to you in further chapters or stories. ^^

    -

    So, this Tristan is sixteen years old and somehow strong enough to beat the school bully. Unlikely, but still plausible. He then gets ambushed by a group and the subsequent fall into the river turns him into a cubone? I'm sure the following chapters will explain all that, but it's still a bit otherworldly to me. (Then again, this is pokémon we're talking about.)

    What I'm wondering about, though, is why the boys didn't settle this with a pokémon battle, or why Tristan didn't use his pokémon to protect himself. After all, a sixteen year old boy would have received a pokémon already, and pokémon battles seem to be the way to settle a whole lot of differences. Even if Tristan started his journey as a boy and didn't make it, he'd still probably own a pokémon.

    Now, Tristan turns into a cubone and is rescued by a totodile. (I have never played Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, so I won't comment on the fact that a very rare wild pokémon showed up, it might be common there.) So far I understand what is going on, but then he falls into a cave and finds a spearow attacking a minun?

    Why, exactly, is there a spearow in a cave? It makes no sense, to me at least, to find a bird in a cave. Birds cannot live in a cave, because they'd fly into walls at every turn. There is a reason why bats use sonar to navigate. It would therefore be unlikely to find any spearow that far into a cave, even if they followed the minun there.

    There is also no instance in which minun and spearow's paths would cross, unless either pokémon were somehow abandoned by their traienrs, or made a huge trek to another route.

    Final question on the subject, why doesn't minun simply fight back? It should know that spearow are weak to electricity, right? A simply shock - spark, for instance, which it learns early on - would be enough.

    That's all I have for chapter one and the prologue. Let me know if you'd like any further comments. ^^

    Good luck!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  18. #143
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    @ PokemonHero: Always nice to see a new reader. I'm really glad you've enjoyed it so far. Mystery Dungeon IMO is a great game and I highly recommend it (though I do realize it may not be everyones cup of tea).

    Character development is one thing that I stressed on when writing this. I'm glad to see it is paying off. The fact that you can relate to one of the characters must mean I'm doing something right here ^^

    @ SamuraiDragon1: And look forward for more emotion to come =).

    @ BlademasterJaleThanks! The last sentence? Do you mean the last sentence in the story? Or the last sentence that Tristan said. I can imagine 2 things you might be talking about right now. Just wondering.

    sigh... poor Tristan. all he did was try to become reaquainted with his friend, and ended up with the whole town after his head. and i must say, that scene was written quite well. i nearly felt Tristan's grief and disbelief at the thought that his friend had forgotten him, and then his final sentence really did it. i am really looking forward to the next chapter now!

    ps: chapter fourteen in my own story will be posted tonight, i promise!

    @ Koridojo_Blaziken: Yep. That's pretty much how it goes down. Kinda sucks (for Tristan, Torchic and Totodile at least). It also makes me wonder... how many of you guys/girls were fooled by the dream, thinking it was real?

    @ Apotheosis: Ah yes. This was what made this chapter one I looke forward to write. The fact that it's all positive and optimistic one moment, and then the next its the complete opposite.

    @ Silawen: Hmm... where do I begin? For the first point, there are two worlds in my story. The Pokemon world and the human world. They are separated so there wouldn't be any Pokemon in the human world and vice versa. There was a time when humans and Pokemon shared the same world, but that's for later in the story.

    In Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, the game starts when you suddenly wake up as a Pokemon, and you find that someone is trying to wake you up. This is a partner that you have chosen before hand (any of the starters for the first three generations) and will be journeying with for the entire game.

    As for the Spearow dilemma. In the game, you travel through areas known as dungeons. These dungeons vary from caves to canyons to forests, with different Pokemon in each. In some of the cave dungeons bird type Pokemon can be found. Though I admit that Tiny woods, (the dungeon chapter 1 is based on) is not inhabited by either Spearow or Minun. This was just a lack of planning on my part when I first began my story. My consideration was go back and turn it into a new dungeon entirely, but I'm not sure I'll do it yet.

    Minun might have fought back. But he was lost, terrified and he'd taken quite a painful fall. He was very vulnerable at the time. He wasn't able to think straight over his fear.

    I'm always open to comments and suggestions, and I thank you for putting in such an effort. I don't mind you making further comments, but remember. This is based off a game that is quite different from a regular Pokemon game, so for someone who hasn't played PMD it may seem weird at times.

    Thanks again! I hope you will continue to read/comment ^^
    Last edited by FocusPresenceEndurance; 9th April 2008 at 12:03 AM.


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

  19. #144
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    I'll have to admit I was fooled by the dream. XD

    Poor, poor Tristan! It seems as if he's going to end up running about as a fugitive as well soon, if I'm right.

    Excellent characterization here. I like how well I was able to connect with Tristan. Good job, yes?

    I was a bit late replying since I've been sick. I apologize about that. Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!

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  20. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glitch View Post
    I'll have to admit I was fooled by the dream. XD

    Poor, poor Tristan! It seems as if he's going to end up running about as a fugitive as well soon, if I'm right.

    Excellent characterization here. I like how well I was able to connect with Tristan. Good job, yes?

    I was a bit late replying since I've been sick. I apologize about that. Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!
    GOTCHA!

    Glad you enjoyed it ^^.

    Well not exactly as a fugitive. Dave was a fugitive. If Tristan were a fugitive, then people would be chasing after him and perhaps be trying to kill him. He's been exiled, and not only that, but also caused a lot of people to hate him. Which may not be as bad as being a fugitive in some aspects, but there will be a heck of an ordeal to come nonetheless. I would like to say more, but I wouldn't want to spoil the story now would I?

    Hope you're feeling better too. Being sick really sucks.


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

  21. #146
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    Since I first read, I've actually written the Prologue for a new story based on Mystery Dungeon, with a few differences. I should post it sometime today or tomorrow.

    And I do agree with Glitch about the dream Tristan had last chapter. You did a very good job fooling the reader into believing into that it was real. It takes a lot to fool me. I really enjoy this story and can't wait for the next chapter.

    Now being reposted!


  22. #147
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    Well not exactly as a fugitive. Dave was a fugitive. If Tristan were a fugitive, then people would be chasing after him and perhaps be trying to kill him. He's been exiled, and not only that, but also caused a lot of people to hate him. Which may not be as bad as being a fugitive in some aspects, but there will be a heck of an ordeal to come nonetheless. I would like to say more, but I wouldn't want to spoil the story now would I?
    Hehheh, yeah, that's what I meant. I don't think they'd want to kill him just because of that, but the idea is somewhat the same.

    Oooh more on that, eh? *whistles*

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  23. #148
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    Whoa I am just shocked I havent been on SPPF for a long time but that means Tristan is out of Pokemon Square .So does it mean Torchic and Totodile will be exiled too?Also will D/P pokemon appear in this fic? Can't wait for the next chapter!

  24. #149
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    Hey! Shadesninja! I remember you from NSider! I can't wait until you catch up to your progress on NSider. I've missed Tristan...I thought I'd never hear from him again...

    This just made my day.
    Created by Skiyomi - Thank you!


  25. #150
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    Hey, this fanfic really is awesome. I just read it all in five minutes! (My eyes...@_@) I'll be waiting for more!
    <--This is my Dragonite in training, Momoko. ^_^ PM me to level him up or give him a Poffin (he likes any flavor) Level: 0 Happiness: 0

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