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Thread: The Feeling Found in Someone’s Heart PG - 13

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    Default The Feeling Found in Someone’s Heart PG - 13

    Abilityshipping PG 13 rating.

    Authors note: I do not, in any ways, own Pokemon or any of the characters, this is purely a fanfic. The idea to the fic is from Johnnyd2 (from the Request shop), and the text is written entirely by me, Corzola.

    What I felt then, and what I feel now/The feeling found in someone’s heart

    Anabel, a girl in her late teens, with purple-blue hair and white clothes, walked up to Professor Oak’s lab and knocked on the door. She let her eyes go over the beautiful area of the most famous Pokemon researcher in the world’s field laboratory. It was a big beautiful garden that surrounded the main house and she saw some small ponds with bathing Pokemons. She could understand them, it was unbelievable hot, even if the wind cooled it down sometimes, this summer and she had taken long swimming rounds in the lake nearby her Battle Frontier outpost, the Battle Tower. But the expression “understand them” had a double meaning for Anabel. She could literary understand Pokemon and their feelings while talking to them. She knew when they were angry, sad or happy, and further more, she could give commands to her Pokemon during battles mentally. That gave her advantages in the most battles because her opponent had no idea of what counter order he or she should give to their own Pokemon before it was to late. It was not for nothing that she was regarded as the second best Frontier Brain, which said a lot counting who else was in the team of Frontier Brains.

    Now she was in Pallet Town to visit Professor Oak and aid him in his research. He did a study on physic Pokemon and their trainers. Oak wanted to know some things about Anabel’s unique style as a trainer. Even trainers who had physic Pokemons didn’t connect with them the way she did and that was what Oak was interested in. She was glad to help him and had gladly taken a break from her duties as a Frontier Brain for a couple of days. She only knew two things about the little town she went to visit, Professor Oak lived their and a second, more personal thing, Ash Ketchum, a former opponent of her, had told her he was from Pallet Town. She remembered him with fondness, when not battling they had had a great time playing in the lake and joked around. Even if they just had met it seemed like they had known each other for ages. He truly was something of his own, he and his Pikachu shared a strong bond with each other, a bond which had surprised her. Maybe he wasn’t able to command and connect with his Pikachu with telepathy like she did with her Pokemons but he was close to. She remembered Ash with fondness yes, but also with a deeper feeling. She had come to develop a liking for him, more than a friend, but she hadn’t said anything and Ash was unable to realise that for himself, that Anabel had liked him more than just as a friend.

    From inside the house she heard steps and the door opened. The grey-haired Professor welcomed her inside the big house. She bowed happily and went in.
    *
    Ash Ketchum, a boy in his mid-teens with black, untidy or somewhat messy hair, sunk down in the newly created hot spring in a corner of a field that was a bit away from Professor Oak’s house. He was home in Pallet Town albeit not in his own house. He had visited his mother the very morning and after that he had walked over to Professor Oak’s lab to say hello to all his Pokemons. They had all been happy to see him, Bayleaf and Totodile had gone wild and Donphan was his usual playful himself. He loved being a Pokemon- trainer, all his Pokemon were his friends and he treated them as best as he could. The reason he was home was that Brocks family had a bit of a crisis so he, new friend Dawn and Brock all took a break in their Sinnoh adventure and headed back to Kanto. Dawn who had never been outside Sinnoh was glad to see Brocks gym with mostly Kanto- Pokemons and had chosen to stay there for some more days. Both she and Brock would head over to Pallet Town any day to see Professor Oak, but for the time Ash was by himself. Well, not all by himself, old friend Tracy was at the lab but he was busy helping Professor Oak with some new research so Ash had spent the day with his Pokemon. He remembered that Professor Oak had mentioned that the research was about psychic Pokemons but since Ash had no such Pokemon he couldn’t help. He looked at his best friend Pikachu who was swimming in the hot spring, joyfully letting out small sounds – Pika, pika. Ash could see that he was happy; he and Pikachu had been friends since he started his journeys and been in many adventures together. Ash took stand against the fence that surrounded the hot spring and swum out to Pikachu.
    “It really is a hot day today, perfect for some relaxation, don’t you think?” He asked his yellow friend.
    “Pika, Pikachu, Pika!” Pikachu happily answered him.


    *
    Anabel walked after Professor Oak into the living room and spotted a handmade picture on a shelf. She immediately recognized Ash in the middle, with a boy and girl in his age besides him. They all stood besides a Lapras and she saw that Ash held a trophy of some sort in his hand. However how had made this drawing was a skilful artist. Professor Oak saw her looking at the picture.
    “Oh yeah, you know Ash. I forgot that he went to your Frontier outpost during his last journey here in Kanto.” Anabel nodded.
    “Yes, I met him, and I still remember him, how is he doing these days?” She got confused when Professor Oak just smiled.
    “Why don’t you ask him yourself? He is here for a short stay.”
    Anabel opened her mouth in surprise, was Ash here at the moment?
    Professor Oak saw her look and explained quickly.
    “Yes he is here. He is back from Sinnoh for awhile so you will be able to catch up with him. I am sure you have lots to talk about.”
    “Oh that would be great, but are you sure you don’t want any help with your research right now?” Of course she wanted to see Ash right away but thought it was appropriate to show the professor that she was willingly to help.
    “That can wait; I have to finish up a thing here anyway. You can go and see him now if you want. He is down by the hot spring.”
    “Thanks, I’ll do that then! But…where is the hot spring? I didn’t see any when I walked up to your house.” A voice from behind her answered her question.
    “Just follow the small path that leads from this house till the fields. It should be easy to find.”
    Anabel turned around and saw a boy in her age. He had brown hair and shorts and a t-shirt. She didn’t know his name but saw that he was the boy who stood besides Ash on that drawing. The boy saw her glance at the picture and continued.
    “Sorry, I didn’t say my name. I am Tracy and an old friend of Ash. I am the one how draw that picture by the way.”
    Anabel shook his hand.
    “Hi, I am Anabel, also an old friend of Ash,” she said and smiled. “That is a very good picture you have drawn there.”
    “Thanks, I am a bit busy but I guess I can show you the way to the hot spring if you want…”
    “Oh, thanks but that won’t be necessary. I am sure I can find it, go on with your work.” Tracy nodded and once again pointed out the path for her. Then he hurried away with a bunch of folders in his arms.

    Inside Anabel was all joyful, she knew that Professor Oak had some pods and lakes so she had taken with her bathing suits and towels but had only thought she and her and Oaks other Pokemons could have a great time. She never expected to meet Ash here.
    “If you want to change you can go in there”, Professor Oak pointed at a door in the hallway. “I think Deila – Ash mum that is – will come by here in an hour or two so you two can be back then and we will have lunch ready.” Anabel thanked him but a sudden thought went through her mind – Ash mum! And with that Professor Oak left like Tracy in a hurry and Anabel took her backpack and went into the small dressing room. She locked the door and changed to her swimming suit. It was a tankini in a light blue colour that went perfect with her hair. She covered herself with her thin summer jacket and threw a multicoloured towel over her right shoulder. At last she put on her shoes and left the house. Outside she saw some paths and located the one that would lead her to the hot spring. Espeon should enjoy it as well, she thought and took a Pokeball from her backpack and throw it high into the air.
    “Go Espeon, come out and feel the summer heat!” A purple coloured – somewhat catlike – Pokemon jumped down on the ground. It did a joyful sound and went to its trainer. Espeon was her best Pokemon as well as her best friend and she cared for it a lot.
    “We are at Professor Oak’s lab, or better say, his Pokemon research area. And guess what, we are going to see an old friend how visited us some time ago. Her Pokemon purred when she stroked its fur and they began to walk towards the hot spring.
    “Yes, we are going to take a swim”, she answered Espeons thought which she sensed. They started to walk faster but suddenly stopped. She came across a bug-flying type Pokemon which she knew was a Heracross. She stopped and talked to it.
    “Are you Ash Pokemon?” She wondered and the Heracross nodded.
    “You have a great trainer as far as I know, but don’t tell him or the other Pokemons that I am coming to see him, it’s a surprise.” The gentle Pokemon did a variant of his own name as a sound and flew away. A few minutes later she entered a small pass way and beyond a small group of trees she saw parts of a field and further beyond a pond- like area with a person in it. It was Ash in the hot spring. She stopped and got an idea. She took hide behind some bushes and covered herself with the towel. Then she released her tankini and put it in her backpack. Now she only had the towel and the thin jacket that covered her.
    *
    Ash took a look at his pile of clothes and reached after a beach ball with heads of different Pokemons as motives.
    “Do you wanna play Pikachu?” he asked and loosely threw the ball towards his mouse- like Pokemon. Pikachu answered but in the middle of a “Pika, Pikachu” he raised his voice.
    Pikachu, Pikachu Pi!” He pointed with his small paws behind Ash how turned around. He saw a person coming towards them, and when realising that Ash and Pikachu had spotted her – began to run. Ash stirred in disbelief… a girl with light- blue hair cut in short style and an Espeon by her side, it could only be…
    “Anabel?!” he shouted and the girl running towards him answered. She beamed at him.
    “Hi Ash! Glad to see me?! And you too Pikachu, that I know by your thoughts!” Pikachu had reacted faster than his trainer and met Anabel half the way. He immediately jumped up to her shoulder and made glad sounds. Anabel stroke him over his little yellow head before he jumped down again. Meanwhile Ash had had time to react and come up to them.
    “Anabel, hi! I didn’t think I was going to see you here.” He bent down and let her Espeon say hi as well. Anabel giggled.
    “Well, here I am, do you mind if I and Espeon join you and Pikachu in the hot spring? It sure is a warm day but to relax in a hot spring is always…well relaxing.” Well, that sounded great she thought to herself.
    “Uh, no, not at all. Pikachu and I were just going to play a bit, wanna join?” Anabel smiled and put her backpack besides Ash’s and put her jacket on the grass. Espeon and Pikachu was already in the water with Ash a step behind when he spotted Anabel putting away her white jacket. He saw her in the towel and opened the mouth in a strike of wonder. Anabel saw him do that, giggled and blushed lightly. She looked at his puzzled expression.
    “Uh, anything wrong Ash?” She said half teasingly. Ash shook his head, while trying to say something. Once he had thought Anabel was a boy, well now he had it perfectly clear for him that she was a girl.
    “No! Nothing at all! I just haven’t thought about you in… such an outfit, that’s all,” he said a bit nervously. Anabel continued to tease him.
    “So you have thought about me then?” Ash nodded. That was true, he had been thinking of her sometimes. She was one of the people he had connected with in a whole other level than his usual friends. Maybe that was due to her skills as a trainer but he felt that the way she and Pikachu got along had something’s to do with it. And the way they had connected when they first met. He had made a lot of friends, best friends, but the way she had talked – not to but with – Pikachu made her look special and unique. They had had a great time during his stay around her Frontier outpost.
    “Why don’t you take off that towel and jump in?” Ash asked curiously. He got even more surprised when Anabel smiled but at the same time blushed.
    “Well, it happens to be so that I only have this towel at me.” Ash mouth fell open. “She is only in the towel…”
    For a moment Anabel looked at him in a way he didn’t understand but turned around and dived into the water. With only the towel hard tied around her.
    “Hey, wait for me!” he said and jumped down besides her.

    “Toss the ball Pikachu, I am free!” Anabel shouted – she didn’t think it was fair to Ash to use telepathy during the game. Pikachu used his tail to get the ball flying trough the air. Pikachu, Anabel, Ash and Espeon played a sort of water polo game in which you had to put the ball in the opponent’s part of the spring’s corner. She reached for the ball but Ash was faster, took a light hold on her waist and re-conquered the beach ball for his and Espeons team. Anabel felt his hands around her waist and blushed, not looking at Ash who after he got hold of the ball let her go, and in a few fast movements he had made a “goal”. Anabel looked at him in astonishment for a second before remembering where she was. Ash was already on his way back to her.
    “3 – 1, that means I and Espeon is winning this round!” he said and went to her and Pikachu. Pikachu made small noises.
    “Pikachu says you did, so I guess the match is over.”
    Pika, pika pi Pikachu!” Pikachu said something to Espeon and the two of them jumped out from the water.
    “Where are you going?” Ash wondered. Pikachu answered and Anabel translated for him.
    “He says that he wants to show Espeon the whole area and let her meet all the other Pokemons. Is that okay?” Ash smiled.
    “Yes of course, Pikachu you show her the place if you want. We stay here.” The two Pokemon “said” goodbye and left, running towards the gardens with all the Pokemons. Ash and Anabel however stayed in the water and rest against the walls of the hot spring.
    “I didn’t know they had a hot spring here,” Anabel said and looked around the little place. The hot spring was surrounded with a grass on three sides and a marble ground on one side.
    “Neither did I, but apparently they found some ground water with high temperature and decided to create a half- natural hot spring.”

    “So you still haven’t found any opponent as good as I,” Ash said and laughed a little. They sat next to each other in the hot spring and talked about how life had been since they last met. Anabel told him about some pretty good trainers, who, like Ash, had come to her Frontier outpost, and filled with high hopes, had lost to her. And unlike Ash none of them had succeeded in winning the return match. One had won in her fourth try but only because Metagross missed an attack. And she never won against Brandon. That meant that Ash was the latest Frontier Champion.
    “No, you left quite an impression on me…us I mean. And you set the standard high for future trainers.” She thought quickly and changed the “me” to “us”. She knew for herself that she still liked Ash the way she had. And meeting him again just added that feeling. But she didn’t know how to tell him, especially since Ash didn’t seem to care for her in that way. She knew he saw her as a friend but what else? Does he looks at me in any other way, she thought. Ash gazed at the sun.
    “I am really happy that you were here, Tracy – I don’t know if you have met him – is busy working on some research project and Brock and Dawn is not her for the moment.”
    “Oh, I met him, and he sure had a lot to do. Who’s Dawn, I thought the girls name was May?” Anabel remembered Ash having three friends with him when they last met. A girl close to his age, and a younger boy, who turned out to be Mays brother and Brock, who was a former Gym leader in Kanto.
    “Yes, that girls name was May. Well after I had finished in the Battle Frontier and she completed her part in the Ribbon Festival she and her brother left to go separate ways. So I ended up travelling in Sinnoh and met a girl named Dawn. So she is a part of the group for now. Brock rejoined us pretty quickly.” A sudden look of worries flew over Anabel’s face but was gone almost the same second it appeared.
    “So, you’re taking on the Sinnoh region now, you sure are a great trainer Ash. It was never a coincident that you beat me, you have skills few trainers can boost with.” She looked at him with admiration in her face. Ash seemed a bit embarrassed by her praise.
    “Well, I don’t know about that. But I try to do my best and get stronger, and feel what my Pokemon feels and help them be as strong as they can be. If I do that I hope that I can be a Pokemon Master one day. But of course I can never do it as you, really sense Pokemons feelings.”
    “And you don’t need too either Ash. I know for sure that all your Pokemons – at least those I have met – know how you feel for them. That you care for them as much as you do for yourself. Remember when we were in the water with Corpish, I could tell there on the spot that he enjoyed being your Pokemon.” But you still can’t feel what’s in my heart, Anabel added silently to herself. She changed subject.

    “Pallet Town, this is where you’re from then. It looks lovely around here. I saw a small river outside Professor Oak’s lab, forests, and big fields of grass. This must be a great place to grow up in.” Ash took a look around. Professor Oak’s field area was like the rest of the surroundings in the district.
    “Yes it was. I used to play with some friends in the forests or in the fields. We had a blast. But if I were you I would probably have had even more fun, talk with Pokemon, and sense what they were feeling. I still can’t believe the way you are able to do that.” Ash remembered when he had tried to do the same with Corpish with a not whatsoever result. And out of nowhere another thing come to his mind, You’re fine the way you are, Anabel had told him. He had never understood what she meant by that. He reflected a look of curiosity at the water.
    “What are you thinking about Ash?” Anabel asked interested when she saw his face expression. Ash didn’t blush but looked a bit uncertain when he answered.
    “Oh, it was a thing back then, something you told me when we tried to sense our Pokemons feelings.” Anabel just opened her mouth to ask what he meant when a little mouse Pokemon appeared from a small bunch of trees. That was a white-purple fur- coloured Pokemon named Rattata. In fact its colours were almost identical to Anabel’s regular dress up. The little Pokemon walked slowly up till them and sat quiet at the grass. Due too its short whiskers they could see that it was female.

    “Hi there. Are you feeling alright?” Anabel asked the little Pokemon which answered with its own name. Anabel perfectly well understood what it said.
    “Yes, it’s very comfortable here. So you like bathing in the hot spring sometimes. I can understand that.” The little Rattata made a pip noise and looked at Ash.
    “Yes, I think he’s fine too. Don’t you think its cosy here as well Ash?” Anabel said and unintentionally put her hand on Ash shoulder. For a moment Ash stood still with half-opened mouth, the touch of her hand puzzled him. What did I do that for? Anabel thought and took away her hand. She gave Ash a quick look and saw how he reacted. Still surprised he answered the little Pokemon.

    “Uh, yeah that’s very…uh…cosy here.” He didn’t know why he reacted so, but he felt something when Anabel touched him. He felt a bit nervous by that. The Rattata gave him a look and then turned to Anabel.
    “Do you think…” she asked the Pokemon but with the use of telepathy this time. The Rattata did a noise which Anabel translated to herself and then it run away. Ash still wondered why he had reacted so strangely when Anabel had touched him.
    “Ash, could I ask you a thing…” she started but in the same moment Pikachu, Totodile, Aipom and Espeon returned. They come running through the fields towards them. Totodile set his eyes on the beach ball that low on the grass. With a water gun attack he tossed it in the air and Pikachu, Aipom and Espeon started to play with him. Anabel thought for herself and decided that she could wait with what she was going to say. I want to say it when we are alone. That was one of the reasons she never told him when he was surrounded by his friends the last time.
    “Come Ash, let’s play with them.” She jumped out of the water and walked towards her backpack and put on her thin jacket. Now the jacket and the towel covered her. Her short cut hair was hanging around her face. Ash was on his way up and once again looked at her in amazement. She was very cute and beautiful when he fought about it. She is beautiful, he thought. He heard her giggling at Pikachu who made a funny imitation of Totodile. Ash felt the warmth in her laugh, in her voice; he thought once again who well she and Pikachu got along. And once again he thought of her as a very unique person. Of all the persons he had met she was one of a kind.

    Laughing, joking and screaming the little group played at the grass field. They tossed the ball between them; the goal of the game was to keep the ball in the air as long as possible. They stood in a big circle and threw the ball to someone and if you seized it – or in the Pokemons case, hit it with head or tail or something like that – you had to throw it to someone else. However if you failed to catch or hit the ball and it hit the ground you were out of the game. If the Pokemons were the last in the game they had won, and if Ash or Anabel was last in the game they had won. It was a fast-paced game. You had to be on your watch all the time, looking after the ball. With only Ash and Pikachu left the ball flow between them faster and faster, but a smash from Ash surprised Pikachu and he missed the return. The ball hit the ground and Ash put his arms in the air.
    “See Anabel, we won, what about that!” Anabel run towards him and hugged him. She didn’t know why, but it felt so natural to do. Pikachu, Aipom, Espeon and Totodile looked surprised at them. Pikachu understood what it was about and directly told the others to come with him and leave Anabel and Ash. “Thanks Pikachu, you really know your trainer, maybe even when he doesn’t know himself,” Anabel told him mentally when Pikachu and the others left the place to go back to Professor Oak’s mansion.
    Anabel let go of Ash and looked him in the eyes. He looked confused but not uncomfortable. Good, that’s a good sign. She thought she could see a glimpse of a smile and a spark in his eyes.

    “Ash, come lets go to the hot spring. I want to talk with you, tell you something, and ask you a thing.” Ash said nothing but followed her to the hot spring. They went down in the water and sat down beside each other as they had before. Then, this time I must say it, cause in a few days he will be gone again, Anabel thought and assembled courage to speak. Ash sat quiet in the water and was occupied with thoughts of his own. He had felt something when Anabel hugged him. His heart had begun to beat faster, and he remembered how he had felt ever since she showed up. He had had lots of fun with her, again as he could have with her alone. She is special, being with her feels special. The way she looked at him made him feel warm inside, in his heart.
    “Ash, remember back when we first met, how fun we had. I felt something for you then, more than I told you. Something that is stronger than friendship. That is what I felt in my heart. And what you couldn’t sense.”
    So see if you can sense what’s in my heart, she had said, Ash remembered that now. And how he had tried but failed. [i]Then if the strongest feeling, a feeling that is stronger than friendship, can be found in a persons heart,[i] he thought, that must mean… All the sudden he understood, understood what she had meant back then. Understood what he felt now. And there, in the hot spring, with the summer sun gazing upon them, leaned against each other, Anabel gave Ash a kiss, a kiss he returned moments later… A feeling deeper and stronger than friendship. In Ash heart. In Anabel’s heart. In both their hearts.

    Epilogue
    Having said goodbye to his mum earlier that day Ash had prepared for leaving. Brock and Dawn had come to Professor Oak’s lab two days earlier and together with Brock and Anabel they had all helped Professor Oak in his study. Ash and Anabel had competed against Tracy and Brock in a tag battle, showing Professor Oak Anabel’s unique style in battle when she used her telepathic powers. Together in battle, together in life, Ash thought. He and Anabel had finally found out how they felt about each other, the feeling deeper and stronger than friendship that rests in ones heart. So see if you can sense what’s in my heart, Anabel had once asked him, and this time he succeeded. Ash felt happier than he ever had before. Together with Anabel and heading towards the Sinnoh region to win more badges. Almost everything felt right, except – he had to leave Anabel, she couldn’t leave her Battle Tower and travel with him. Despite that they were separated they would stick together; distance would not be a barrier. So they had said, and promised each other. And that’s why they all stood here outside Professor Oak’s lab, saying goodbye.
    “Bye then Anabel, nice to have met you again,” Brock said. He shook her hand. Dawn who had met her for the first time did the same.
    “It was lovely to meet you Anabel, good luck at your gym…Frontier outpost.” Dawn shook her hand as well.
    “Bye you two, I am sure we see each other again.” Anabel fired a bright, sunny grin at them. Then she looked towards Ash. He stood there with a mixture of happiness and sadness in his face. Happy because we are together, and sad because we are going separate ways. I know that is what he is thinking of.
    “Aren’t you going to say goodbye Ash?” Brock wondered when they had all said their goodbyes. He thought Ash acted a bit strange, he didn’t act the way he used to do. Neither he nor Dawn knew that Ash and Anabel had got together a few days earlier. The best days in my life, Ash said to himself.
    “Well, I suppose I have to,” Ash remarked and stared straight into Anabel’s purple, glittering eyes.
    “Goodbye Anabel, until we’ll see each other again.” He took both her hands in his while he said it. Ash spoke with a voice unfamiliar to Brock and Dawn but Anabel appreciated every part of it. She embraced him in an affecting hug. One of her hands stroked his black untidy hair.
    “Yes Ash, goodbye until then.” She gave him a kiss and smiled. And with that they departed, Ash, Dawn and Brock towards Sinnoh and Anabel to her Battle Frontier home. But together in heart.

    *FINISH*

    This is my first Pokemon fanfic and I did it on request, I hope it turn out good.
    Last edited by Corzola; 27th October 2007 at 11:19 PM.
    We say goodbye in the pouring rain
    And I break down as you walk away.
    Stay, stay.
    'Cause all my life I felt this way
    But I could never find the words to say
    Stay, stay.


    ~ Stay by Hurts

  2. #2
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    great job! *claps*. you did a good job of keeping Ash and Anabel in character. The interaction between them was cute ^_^. Definetly worth the wait.
    Altoshipping and Aquamarineshipping, my favorite pairings. MINE MINE MINE!


    HxP FTW ^_^

    CLICK FOR GREAT JUSTICE!! http://johnnyd2.deviantart.com/journal/23765316/

  3. #3
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    The story is great and the spelling seems ok, but it wasn't easy on the eyes.

    The major problem I am seeing here is the fact that you don't seperate your paragraphs or lines well. Your sentences are also very run-onish and it's hard to understand. Im going to correct one of your paragraphs so you can get the gist. Corrections are made in bold. Reasoning is made in red ink. Words surrounded by means that it should be removed or replaced.

    ------

    Ash Ketchum, a boy in his mid-teens with black, untidy or somewhat messy hair, sunk down in the newly created hot spring. It lied in a field, not so far from Proffesor Oak's house.

    He was in his hometown of Pallet albeit not in his own house This line isn't needed, we know from the last paragraph that he was in a hotspring in a field. Ash Make it a point to switch between He/She/It with the actual point every now and then had visited his mother the very morning he arrived and after that he had walked over to Professor Oak’s lab to say "hello" to all his Pokemons The word Pokemon describes ALL Pokemon so the S is never needed.

    They had all been happy to see him, Bayleaf and Totodile had gone wild and Donphan was his usual playful himself. He loved being a Pokemon trainer, he treated all of his Pokemon like his family.

    The reason he was home was that Brock's family had a bit of a crisis. So Ash, Brock and his new friend, Dawn all took a break in their Sinnoh adventure and headed back to Kanto.

    Dawn, who had never been outside of Sinnoh, was glad to see Brock's gym. So she had chosen to stay there for some a few more days.

    Although his friends visited Pallet almost everyday, Ash was mostly by himself. Well, not all by himself, old friend Tracy was at the lab but he was busy helping Professor Oak with some new research so Ash had spent the day with his Pokemon. His old friend Tracey had been busy with Proffesor Oak, so Ash had spent the day with his Pokemon. He remembered that Professor Oak had mentioned that the research was something concerning psychic Pokemons but Ash, not having one, couldnt've helped.

    Ash looked at his best friend, Pikachu, who was swimming around in the hot spring. The yellow mouse joyfully let out small sounds, indicating that he was happy

    Pikachu was Ash's first Pokemon, they've been best buddies for a long while. The two have been through many journeys that only bring them closer.

    Suddenly, Ash began to swim towards Pikachu.

    -----------

    Now there is plenty of things I could be correcting, but I don't have that much time, so I'll give one more example of how to fix your dialouge:

    -----------

    Anabel opened her mouth in surprise, was Ash here.. right here in Pallet town? add more feeling to give the reader a feel for what Anabel is thinking

    Proffesor Oak saw the expression on Anabel's face and smiled. “He got back a few days ago."

    "Re-really?" Anabel stuttered.

    "Mmhmm," the Proffesor nodded. "I'm sure he'd want to see you, why don't you go and find him?"

    “Umm ok," She smiled, she really wanted to see him. "Are you sure don't need help with your research though?”

    ---------

    See? Breakup each line of dialouge and try to add feeling in it so the reader can feel your writing.

    I hope this help, I know I hate being criticized but I hope you take this too good use. If you have any questions just PM me! I'll be glad to help you on any fics you are having trouble with.
    Last edited by Tbone2356; 28th October 2007 at 4:57 AM.
    That awkward moment when three years after inactivity you feel the need to come back to the fandom.

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