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Thread: Viridian City High (Pearlshipping--PG-PG13)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
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    In a world where Dawn exists
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    Default Viridian City High (Pearlshipping--PG-PG13)

    Pearlshipping fic. Rated PG to PG-13

    It was morning in Pallet Town. Ash was sleeping in his bed. His alarm went off and he pressed the Snooze button and got out of bed. He trugded to the bathroom. He washed his face and put a black comb through his greasy black hair. He put on blue jeans and a white shirt. He also put on a Viridian City High hat

    Downstairs was Ash's mom, Mrs. Ketchum and Dawn. It has been 1 year since Dawn and her mom moved to Kanto. Their house burned down and Mrs. Ketchum welcomed them in with wide arms. At that time, a relationship between Ash and Dawn developed. Soon, it bloomed into love. They did all the partner projects together and hoped to be the Senior Prom's King and Queen. Dawn stood at 5'8" and Ash at 6'1". Dawn still dressed the same since meeting Ash in Sinnoh several years ago, and accencted herself with a pink iPod, given to her for her birthday. Ash grabbed a Pop Tart from the kitchen and Dawn and Ash walked to school.

    Viridian City High School was your average high school. Nothing really special about it, except the fact it was the only school to have TV's in EVERY room, including the offices and conference rooms. As Dawn and Ash, walked up, Mary and Joe ran up to them.
    "Oh my, Dawn your hair is so pretty !" Mary admired
    "Thanks" Dawn said, running her fingers through her glossy blueish-black hair
    "Hey Ash, you coming to practice today ?" Joe said
    "Yeah ! Viridian City High will beat Pewter High !" Ash shouted

    Ash was the starting QB for Viridian City High. Dawn was the head cheerleader and never lost her team spirt, even if her teammates dropped onto the floor. Dawn was a straight-A student and had a 4.00 GPA (or higher) all year. In factm Dawn was the smartest student in the enitre Kanto region ! Ash got soild A-minuses, and came through with a 3.5 GPA. Dawn and Ash shared Homeroom, 3rd and 4th period together. The teachers couldn't seperate them beacuse Ash would always volunteer with Dawn or vice versa. They enjoyed working together and made stunning projects as well.

    Mrs. Langmeier, their homeroom teacher called them to her desk
    "Yes, teach ?" Ash questioned
    "Ash, please use proper English. Anyway, I wanto you two to run for Senior Prom King and Queen !" she said
    "We'll do it !" they replied. Mrs. Langmeier came them a slip, which they filled out and ran down to the Main Office to put it into the box. Just as they finished, the bell rang and both parted ways, knowing they'll meet each other later in the day

    So, how's my story ? Is it any good ?

    Member of the Pokemon Adventures Fanclub!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    London
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    92

    Post Reviewing Time!

    YES!! I'm first to review again.

    Anyways, good start, as it goes right into the action. I wonder who else has entered... *coughmayanddrewcough*

    If there's a PM list, put me on it!

    If you think the title is cheesy, I have this song in my head called 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time'.
    New pic coming soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Red
    "You have an allergy to me too!"
    Shows that love in Pokemon (or anywhere) has ups, downs and pits.

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    .

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    the Reverse World
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    Default

    First thing's first - legal stuff: This chapter is very short, though it's hard to tell if it actually makes the 1 page mark. In the future, please elongate your chapters.
    And now I will tell you how you can go about that.
    Your story appears to be the usual "school-AU". Unfortunately, this will make the story a bit boring, unless you let the reader know right from the get-go that it is indeed different. As with an essay, the first paragraph, or in this case, the first chapter, should inform the reader what the plot or conflict in the story will be. This first chapter of yours is very happy-go-lucky and almost seems incomplete. There's nothing wrong with being happy, but complete it - give us some juicey conflict that will make us read on to see what happens next (but make it appropriate for what you intend to write in the future. For example - as Ash leaves the Main Office, have Dawn run into another competitor for Queen and make some conflict. As the story goes on, this other competitor will be a continuing antagonist, for whatever reasons.) The first chapter is everything - it's sets the story's setting (which you have), the main characters (which you have) and the things you didn't include, the antagonist(s) and conflict. Right now, a regular reader (niether a Pearlshipper, nor an anti-Pearlshipper) has probably lost interest. =(
    There are some good aspects (please don't think I'm here to bring you down - just here to help!) You're good at writing dialogue. The conversations flow in a natural sense and the punctuation is used correctly. It's a big deal when so many people don't know how to use it. -.-
    However, there are also a few things you should look out for next time you're revising:
    1. "Extra letter typos" as seen in the below sentence for example:
    In factm Dawn was the smartest student in the enitre Kanto region !
    2. Instead of acronyms, spell out the whole word:
    Ash was the starting Quarterback for Viridian City High.
    3. And most importantly, keep things relevent to the story. Though they are details, and details are great, knowing how tall Ash and Dawn are isn't very important to the plot. Knowing their social status, though (in a world of High School drama that you've laid out for us) is very important. In fact, you even give us a "first hand experience" with that when that other student complimented Dawn. That was a very good tactic I saw. ^^

    I'll check up from time to time to see how you're doing. You're on your way and I hope this helps you write even better in the future. ^^
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 15th November 2007 at 9:25 PM.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
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    The first chapter was a little short, but was easy to follow and so far the story is good. If I were you I would continue the story, and beware, Encyclopika is harsh with infractions. He got me twice for triple posting for the same incident (sorry). But he's fair, and if you do what he recommends, your story will only be better.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
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    In a world where Dawn exists
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    958

    Default

    I'll need a little bit more time to come up with the next Chapter

    Member of the Pokemon Adventures Fanclub!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    United States
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    162

    Default

    That's alright. Put quality into your work, don't release anything until it is done.

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