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Thread: Atlantic Abyss [Contestshipping]

  1. #1

    Cool Atlantic Abyss [Contestshipping]

    So, this is my first attempt at a fan fiction. I'm sorry if it's horrible, I tried really hard. ^-^ I'm only in a regular 8th grade English class, and my vocabulary isn't extremely "advanced". I tried to be as descriptive as possible. I may have rushed, and I probably did. >.> Constructive critisism is wonderful. I need all of the advice I can get. Oh, fic is rated PG-13 just to be safe. : D Contains Pokeshipping, Contestsipping, and some Brunetteshipping.
    ******************************************

    “Oh, May, are you sure this is what you want?” A woman with

    soft caramel locks asked the feminine figure in front of her.

    “Yes, mom, I’m positive,” the girl responded.
    “But you’re still so young,”

    “I’m twenty-one, I’ll be fine ”

    “But what if your ship sinks? What will you do then? What if—“

    “Caroline, don’t worry so much. If this is what she wants, then

    let her go for it,” A man with slick black hair told the frantic

    woman.

    “But she’s my little girl,” Caroline said softly, her indigo orbs

    swelling with tears. May couldn’t think of a decent response, so she just stared at her mother.

    “Besides,” Caroline started, “don’t you think New York is too
    grown up for you?” She sniffled.

    “Oh pish posh! There are younger people leaving for New York.”
    “But they’re going with family.”

    “Mom, it’s too late now. I’ve made my decision. I know I want this.”

    Suddenly, a blow horn loudly interrupted May’s conversation.
    “Well, I guess that’s the final calling.” May swallowed.

    Caroline tightly wrapped her arms around her daughter, tears
    streaming down her face.

    “Please be sure to write as soon as you arrive.” She whispered.
    “I wont forget. I love you, mom.”

    “I love you too. Please be safe.”

    The embrace was suddenly broken, and May stepped towards her father.

    “Dad, I’ll miss you,” She smiled.

    “I’ll miss you too.” Norman said, pulling May in for a brief hug.

    Now, all that was left to say goodbye to was Max.

    “Max, I love you.”

    “I love you too. And I’ll miss outsmarting you,” The teal haired boy snickered.

    “Shut up,” An annoyed May sighed.

    “Whatever,” he flatly replied.

    Realizing she only had five minutes to board, May hastily

    snatched her piles of luggage, and raced toward to the huge

    ship. Standing at the boarding area was a broad, old man.

    “Your ticket please?” A broad, old man asked the sapphire-eyed girl.
    “Oh, yes.”

    May fished through her leather black purse for what seemed like
    hours, when she finally found herself gripping a thin piece of neatly written on paper.

    She handed it to the grizzled man.

    He looked at the ticket for a second, and smiled.

    “You’ll be staying in one of our first class suites, correct?” He questioned.

    “That’s what the ticket says,” May nervously responded.

    He looked at her with hard eyes, and nodded.

    ‘Sheesh, he’s quite scary looking’ May thought.

    After a few more minutes of him staring at the ticket, an approving smile crept onto his face.

    “Welcome aboard the Titanic. You’ll be staying in suite number thirty-five,” He said.

    “Thank you,” May replied, not knowing what else to say.

    “Ma’am, do you need any help with your luggage?”
    “Um, yes, please,”

    “All right, I’ll call Andrew over, wait here for a minute,” the old man voiced.

    “Yes, sir.”

    Having nothing better to do, May decided to check out her
    surroundings.

    Directly behind her lay a huge marble staircase,

    enclosed with cherry wood railings. To her left, a large hallway

    leading to the first class dining room. To her right, was another

    hallway, this one having large white doors with golden numbers

    atop each of the doors. A large sign above the hallway read

    “Second class suites rooms 350-370” The wallpaper was a soft

    peach color, laced with Victorian patterns. There were many

    silk, scarlet rugs placed neatly on the floor, matching the

    sleeveless dress she was currently wearing. This was definitely

    the most beautiful place that May had ever been. This ship was

    elegant, classy, and delicate. It was. . .perfection.

    “Ma’am, I’m here to take your luggage,” A masculine voice behind May made her jump.

    “Somebody’s quite jumpy,” he chuckled.

    “Well, you scared me.” The cocoa-haired girl said, not bothering
    to turn around.

    She was far too mesmerized by the beauty of the boat.

    “I simply stated I was here to take your luggage, and my voice isn’t even that alarming,” The man pointed out.

    May suddenly whipped herself to face the man, “Well, I think—“ she inhaled sharply when she saw the man, for his appearance captivated her greatly.

    His jade hair sat elegantly atop his head, and his liquid emerald eyes were warm.

    He had a gorgeous square jaw structure, and a pale apricot completion.

    His ebony tuxedo managed to show off quite a bit of his toned body.

    May had never seen such a handsome man before.

    “Were you going to finish your sentence, or just keep staring at me?” He smiled, flipping a few strands of his chartreuse hair.

    “I wasn’t staring at you!” May flushed.

    “You’re a horrible liar.”

    “ I wasn’t staring at you, okay?! Now, could you please just take my luggage?” She whispered, trying to keep her voice hushed.

    “Of course, miss moody,” he chuckled.

    “Well, maybe if you didn’t get me all worked up!”

    “Hush yourself.”

    ****

    “So, what’s your name?” The young man asked May after a few moments of silence.

    “May,” she replied sternly, “and yours?”

    “Andrew, but please, I prefer to be called Drew.”

    “Yeah.”

    “So, Mary, what brings you to the Titanic?”

    “My name’s MAY, and I plan on starting a new life in New York.”

    “All by yourself? How’d you afford first class?”

    “My dad chipped in some. He’s a major part of the stock market.”

    “I see.”

    “And why are you here?” May inquired.

    “Well, I had nothing going on in my life at the time, so I decided to get a job here”

    “So you did this out of boredom? You didn’t need the money?”

    “Yes and no. I very rich, I’ll have you now.”

    “Nobody likes braggers,” May frowned.

    “Well, you asked,” Drew pointed out.

    “So?”

    “So, I told you, simple as that.”

    May was so frustrated with Drew that she refused to talk the rest of the way to her room.
    ‘Why do all of the good looking ones have to be jerks?’ May wondered.
    ‘It’s not that hard to put an effort into being polite!’

    All of a sudden, May went flying across the hallway.

    “Well, that was very ladylike of you,” Drew said, choking back laughter.

    “ It’s not my fault my heel got caught in the carpet!”

    “You’re right, it was the floor’s fault,” Drew noted with heavy sarcasm.

    “I didn’t ask for your sarcasm.”

    “But you got it anyway. Oh, and by the way, we’re at your room.”

    “Finally! Good riddance!” May shouted, slamming the door.

    “Don’t you need your luggage?”

    A few seconds after Drew’s remark, May angrily opened the pearly white door, hauled the luggage in her room, and once again, slammed the door.

    “What, no tip?” Drew chuckled.

    “Yeah, here’s a tip, go jump off a cliff!” May hollered, not bothering to open the door.

    The jade-haired man chuckled, dropping a crimson object in front of her doorway.

    With a satisfied smirk, Drew coolly walked back to the grand staircase.

    ****

    “Who does that Drew guy think he is?!” May yelled to herself as she stuffed her clothes in the closet.

    “I ought to call him mister cocky from now on! “

    As the last of the clothes were stashed away, the chocolate-haired girl crashed down on to what was now her bed.

    “Nothing sounds more relaxing right now than a long nap.” May sighed.

    Forcing herself to stand, she slithered out of her vermilion dress, and slipped on a white bathrobe with the words “White Star Line” printed in maroon letters with a gold border.

    May trudged back to her feathery bed, and lost all consciousness as she sank deeper into dreamland.

    *******************************************
    Sorry it's so short. it's because this is more of a prologue than a chapter. My next chapters will be more lengthly. Please R&R.
    White 2 FC: 2237 5462 9895

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    -claps- For your first fanfic this was pretty good.

    “But she’s my little girl,” Caroline said softly, her indigo orbs

    swelling with tears. May couldn’t think of a decent response, so she just stared at her mother.
    At first some of your lines were seperate, but then the were together...that sounds weird but whatever.

    Anyways, I saw few grammer mistakes and spelling mistakes, really nice work here though, can't wait to see more!-^^-

    ~Kat

    P.S: Add me to the PM List please!
    Last edited by Sweet Melody; 26th November 2007 at 12:19 PM. Reason: spelling

    Ain't he cute?


    Name: Scarlet
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    14

    Default

    Oh, very interesting.
    I love the topic, too.
    As mentioned above, I did spot a few grammar mistakes, and some of the lines were not spaced like the others.
    Anyway, I'm really enjoying it so far.
    Please add me to the PM list.

    (:

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    At work
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    Default

    Interesting. The grammer and spelling was okay, I've seen worse. All in all, you've got a good story on your hands.

    ~Ayra~

    P.S. Please add me to the PM list.

    ~Ayra~
    "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevent, it is what you do with the gift of life, that determines who you are." -Mewtwo
    "The only thing we can be is ourselves, we can't be someone else, and someone else can't be us." -Kelly Smith
    3DS FC 1048-8196-8009
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    Spearow, Woobat, Hawlucha
    ^Click to go to my Ribbon Sprites thread, in need of some ideas^
    Currently working on:
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