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Thread: Love in a Faraway Land (Advanceshipping) Rating: PG-13 tops

  1. #1
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    Default Love in a Faraway Land (Advanceshipping) Rating: PG-13 tops

    Well, people, here it is. My first fanfic. Don't be afraid to review positively or not. Be harsh. Be as bad as you can be.
    Here it is.
    I'm building a PM list, and anyone who asks to be on it, will be on it

        Spoiler:- PM list:

    Chapter 1: Home at Last

    Today, we find our heroes in a boat heading towards Pallet Town.

    “I can’t wait to get home to see my mom and Mimey.“ a dark-haired trainer said to a Pikachu on his shoulder.

    That trainer is none other than Ash Ketchum, Sinnoh Pokémon League Champion.

    He won the title and the championship in an epic battle against Cynthia, the former Pokémon Champion. He was able to defeat her Garchomp, with a Blizzard, powered-up by Hail, courtesy of Glalie, his Hoenn-native Ice-type.

    ---------Flashback---------
    Both the challenger and the challenged have only one Pokémon left. Which Pokémon will they choose?

    It was the final battle of the Sinnoh Region Pokémon League, between Ash Ketchum and Cynthia, Sinnoh Champion.

    “Garchomp, come forth!” Cynthia exclaimed throwing a Pokéball into the air and out of it came what looked like a blue dragon crossed with a hammerhead shark. On each limb were four spikes, with a red belly with one yellow triangle near its pelvis. On each of its forelegs was a single, sharp claw, with two dorsal fin-like "wings" that it flies with. On the sides of its head were two extensions from a hammerhead shark, which resemble plane turbines.

    “Glalie, I choose you” Ash said as he did the same thing. Out of it came a Pokémon that looked like a human head, with two black horns.

    “Glalie vs. Garchomp. The winner of this round will be declared Champion.” The referee said. “BEGIN!”

    “Garchomp, use Dragon Rush!” Cynthia said to her Dragon-and-Ground-type.
    Garchomp’s head suddenly started glowing in a blue light then the rest of his body was engulfed in the same light. The Mach Pokémon then charged at Glalie with full speed.

    “Glalie, use Double Team, then use Hail!” Ash informed his Ice-type.
    Glalie started glowing white and then countless images of Glalie appeared. Garchomp stopped in his tracks, confused.

    Glalie then summoned a hailstorm. It started falling heavily all over the field, hitting Garchomp.

    “Garchomp, use Brick Break!” Cynthia told the Mach Pokémon.

    Garchomp’s fins became white and then it rushed forward into one of Glalie’s copies.

    Luckily, Garchomp hit the real one. Glalie was thrown against the wall.

    “Glalie, counter with Ice Beam!” Ash commanded his Pokémon.

    A white ball started to appear in front of Glalie’s horns and it was shot at Garchomp.

    It was a direct hit. Garchomp became frozen solid.

    “Alright! Glalie, while Garchomp’s stuck, use Ice Beam!”

    Glalie continued hitting Garchomp with his Ice Beams.

    “Garchomp, use Brick Break to break free!” Cynthia commanded her Pokémon.

    Garchomp’s fins started to glow white and then the ice that was covering the Mach Pokémon just shattered.

    “What the…” Ash exclaimed. “Okay, Glalie, finish it off with Blizzard!”

    Glalie took a deep breath and created a fast wind with little snow balls hit the Dragon-type almost knocking it down. The move had taken its toll. Glalie was breathing heavily.

    “Glalie, can you go on?” Ash questioned his Ice-type. Glalie nodded. “Finish it! Blizzard, again, full power!”

    “Garchomp, dodge it” Cynthia told her Pokémon.

    Glalie took another deep breath and hit Garchomp full force with his Blizzard.
    The Dragon-type fell square in the ground.

    “Garchomp is unable to battle. Glalie is the winner. The new Sinnoh Region Pokémon League Champion is Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town!”

    “Yes! We did it.” Ash screamed with happiness as he got one step closer to fulfilling his life-long dream, to become a Pokémon Master. His happiness, however, was quickly replaced with sadness, for the one person he wanted to be there wasn’t. The girl he had helped. The girl he had mentored. The girl he had fallen for. Now, she was in Johto, with him.


    ---------End Flashback---------

    The Pikachu mentioned earlier was his first Pokémon. Ash got him on the day of his 10th birthday. That day, he overslept, and by the time he got to Professor Oak’s lab, all the other Pokémon have already been taken.

    This Pikachu ignored Ash’s commands, and even laughed at him when he failed to catch a Pidgey.

    But, after attacking a Spearow, who called his flock, Ash was willing to give his life to protect Pikachu.

    That moment, Pikachu realized how important he was to Ash, and knocked down the flock with a mighty Thundershock.

    This Pikachu was not paying attention to his trainer. He had smelled a scent he had known since he had met a Pokémon coordinator from the Sinnoh region, in the beginning of their journey on said region...

    “What’s up, Pikachu? Aren’t you happy to go home at last?” Ash asked his best friend.

    “Pika, pi, Pikapi, pika pichu pikapika?” Pikachu replied, questioning.

    “What do you mean? Jessie, James and Meowth have turned Team Rocket down. Why would someone follow us?” Ash inquired.

    “Pikachu pikapika, chu” Pikachu gave up.

    Little do Ash and Pikachu know that they are being watched by a dark-haired girl wearing a mini dress which is mostly black with a white part inside a V-shaped neck with a pink skirt. On her head, she wore a white beanie with a pink Pokéball print on it. She also wore gold hair clips that hold up her hair in front. On her feet, she had pink go-go boots with black socks underneath.

    “Now I will know where does my ‘older brother’ live and who is this May he keeps mentioning.“ said the girl, grinning.

    Upon arrival at Pallet Harbor, Ash and Pikachu darted to home. They ran through the quiet streets of Pallet Town. The girl that was following them stood on their tail, but when she looked to the sea, she lost them. Then she had to ask a woman who was passing by directions to the Ketchum’s house.

    Near Ash´s house, Ash and Pikachu were running so fast that they didn’t notice that the floor had leaves on it, too many leaves, if you know what I mean.

    As they stepped on them, they fell to a hole. Ash immediately thought of Jessie, James, and a talking Meowth. So they didn’t quit Team Rocket after all…, he thought.

    “Team Rocket, give me back my Pikachu!” Ash shouted.

    “Pika?” Pikachu asked, by his side.

    “Sorry, force of habit...” Ash excused himself.

    But when he got up, there was no one around. Neither the balloon was there. Strange…, he thought, it must be a hole from my past adventures with Misty and Brock. It must have not been triggered then.

    They arrived at a small house with a small backyard. The house was painted in a light blue color. In front of it was a small porch.

    “Well, this is it.” Ash spoke up, when he opened the gate to his house.

    “Mom, I’m home” Ash said as he went through the door.

    “Ash!” the boy felt his mother begin to smother him. She squeezed him tighter than he had ever felt before.

    “Mom,” Ash choked out, “can you please stop killing me?”

    Delia slackened her grip. “Sorry, Ash,” she smiled, “Honey, I missed you so much! Have you been changing your…” Delia asked her son.

    “Mom, I’m old enough to remember stuff like that. No need to embarrass me further.” Ash replied. “Now if you excuse me, I want to take a nap.”

    “Sure, honey. Oh, I received a letter from a coordinator.” Delia informed her son.

    “What? A letter from a coordinator?” Ash asked, puzzled. Could it be? ”Give me the letter, please.”

    “Sure thing, son” Delia handed the letter to her son. “Remember, I am going to make a big dinner in honor of your achievement.”

    After thanking his mother, Ash quickly ran up the stairs and opened the second door to the right and entered a cramped room. It had a small bed, a wooden desk and a large frame hanging on the right, showing off the many Pokémon gym badges he had received. He then proceeded to slowly open the letter addressed to him.

    This was the letter.

    Hi Ash. It’s May. Professor Oak asked me to do an errand on a far away country. Portugal is beautiful. Please, come here, it would so much to me.

    I’m staying at Dighton Hotel, in a city called Oliveira de Azeméis.

    I met this boy, Robert, and he is amazing. I think I’m in love with him. I want you to meet him.

    Sincerely,

    May


    Ash pulled a chair and went to the window, as he thought of the girl who had conquered his heart.

    Little did he know that, in Oliveira de Azeméis, Portugal, in Dighton Hotel, in the exact same position was May, thinking about him as well.

    “I wonder if my trick worked.”

    Back in Pallet, Ash was clenching his fists as he read the sentence “I met this boy, Robert, and he is amazing. I think I’m in love with him.”

    Suddenly, there was a knocking on the door. It was Pikachu.

    “Pikapi, pika pikachu?” He asked his trainer, with only his head on the room.

    “Sure you can, buddy. Oh, and by the way, get ready.” Ash said.

    “Pika?” the electric-type asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

    “We are going to Oak’s and then we will be leaving.” Ash said as he turned again to the window.

    “Chu?” the Pokémon questioned, even more puzzled than before.

    “To Portugal.”
    Last edited by Sp1derp1g; 10th June 2008 at 12:34 AM. Reason: Added detail
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
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  2. #2
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    quitted Team Rocket. Why
    Should be quit.

    Anyways..SP the Prologue was ok. It lacked description, and plot, but since I am a sucker for advance shipping, you got me.

    I liked how you incorporated Portugal, but lots happened in what felt like five minutes.

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  3. #3
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    it lacks description and plot because it was a bit rushed
    the plot will appear soon
    that guy Robert... Guess who he is. (Look at the name in my TC)
    the places in the fic are real, the hotel and the city are both real
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


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  4. #4
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    Gee I wonder?

    I figured the places were real, cause your in Portugal.

    If it was rushed....wait to post it...thats the first advice I got.

    If you need a betaer or help, pm me.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

  5. #5
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    It was, well okay.
    Might need more length though. And more description could help.
    You could add the environment, what the person sees, etc. for example
    But when he got up, there was no one around. Neither the balloon was there. Strange…, he thought, it must be a hole from my adventures with Misty and Brock.
    Anyway, they went home. “Well, this is it.” Ash spoke up, when they were about to open the door.
    You could have described the house, the environment, the weather. It makes the story more realistic.

    After thanking his mother, Ash went to his room and opened the letter to read it.
    This was the letter.
    You could have said.....
    After thanking his mother, Ash quickly ran up the stairs and opened the second door to the right and entered a cramped room. It had a small bed, a wooden desk and a large frame hanging on the right, showing off the many pokemon gym badges he had recieved. He then proceeded to slowly open the letter addressed to him.
    But hey, i'm not saying change your style, just be more descriptive with the surroundings and stuff. Otherwise, it has a good flow and seems to have some potential. Good luck with it!
    Last edited by Star Dust; 27th November 2007 at 12:52 PM.

  6. #6
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    thank you very much
    i tried to make it as good as possible and i reached my goal
    description is another theme
    i'll make it better
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


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  7. #7
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    Hey just wanted to say hi and how's the fic going?
    I feel i could give you some advice on how to work the fic out.
    Maybe you could look over the chapters more, see if they need sprucing up or more description.

    You can also get a proofreader to check for grammar and to comment on it.

    Try to get the reader to feel what the character feels. It would mean nothing if the reader didn't get the correct feeling from the part of the story.

    You could make the chapter longer and add more depth, even for a first chapter/ prologue.

    “Mom, I’m home!” Ash exclaimed as e walked through the door.
    “Honey, I missed you so much! Have you been changing your…” Delia asked her son.
    “Mom, I’m old enough to remember that kind of things. No need to embarrass me further” Ash replied. “Now if you excuse me, I want to take a nap.”
    “Sure, honey. Oh, I received a letter from a coordinator.” Delia informed her son.
    “What? A letter, from a coordinator?” Ash asked, puzzled. Could it be? ”Give me the letter, please.”
    “Sure thing, son”.
    The conversation doesn't seem to have much in it, for a mother who didn't see her kid for a year.

    If you need any help, you can pm me. I can even proof read it for you!

    PS. Can you add me to the pm list?

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    benjobbb, you're on it!

    btw: thanks for the advice, i am trying to give a "facelift" to the first chapter.
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
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  9. #9
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    Its fine....maybe you should repost it...

    Anyways, take the advice that we went over, and learn from other fics.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
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  10. #10
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    ^^ he's right. Other great fics can really help you start a fic yourself. Since it is a Aamayl fic, maybe may's crush? or two of a kind? They almost inspired me to start one myself.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by benjobbb View Post
    ^^ he's right. Other great fics can really help you start a fic yourself. Since it is a Aamayl fic, maybe may's crush? or two of a kind? They almost inspired me to start one myself.
    I copied them both and many more, because my Internet connection is kinda crazy
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
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  12. #12
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    I have to say its wierd how he fell into a hole, and then got out with the best piece of reasoning bieing that its a hole from his many adventures.Is he really that thick?

    But other than that it was...
    ...short. Takes about 5 mins to read, but I'm sure that that will get better with time.
    My Advanceshipping Fanfic on Serbii HERE

    and now I vanish...

  13. #13
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    Alrighty SP. I prefer the new Chapter 1. Description is still lacking, but battle style has improved, and plot as well. It seemed a tad rushed, but it was much better.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
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    Much better. Though the description isn't number 1, it is still much better. Good job.
    The plot is easier to see, though some parts STILL lacked description. Congrats.
    P.S. I like the battle scene. Almost realistic.

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    thank you guys
    it means a lot coming from you
    I might need some help with chapter 3
    you guys willing to help?
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
    Please stand by.


  16. #16
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    Sure! Except, I'll be gone for the holidays. I'll still be logging on once in a while though. Just Pm me if you need something!

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    Better, the plot is more clear now, and it is slightly easier to read, probably cause it is my 2nd time reading.

    But back to the review.
    It seemed to be better, bit more description could have been added on Ash's reacion, but for him seeing will probably be believing. Wonder if Robert is fictional (in a fictional fic :P) or an actual character who is playing along.

    can't wait for the next chap. Don't worry about descriptions, things like that slowly grow, the more you write.
    My Advanceshipping Fanfic on Serbii HERE

    and now I vanish...

  18. #18
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    Yes, pm me, I'm always there to help.

    I can beta anything you want me too.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

  19. #19
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    Post Review!

    Can you put me on the PM list too? 'cause this is gonna be an interesting fic, I tell ya. As you can guess, I think this is OK. Could do woth more description, but will be fine otherwise.

    EDIT - This is being added to my hot fics list.
    New pic coming soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Red
    "You have an allergy to me too!"
    Shows that love in Pokemon (or anywhere) has ups, downs and pits.

    I've been away to think, and I've come back a more mature human being.(I think...)

    R.I.P Michael Jackson. It's one year on, and the world still misses you.

    .

  20. #20
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    JB239874, you're on it!
    Last edited by Sp1derp1g; 4th January 2008 at 5:18 PM.
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
    Please stand by.


  21. #21
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    Through me on there too, although I'm sbsribed to the thread.

    Do you still need betaing help?

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

  22. #22
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    I will put you on it ASAP, MM.
    I will need betaing, but later.
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
    Please stand by.


  23. #23
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    WaffleLax came in the mail. Ya.

    So hard to find a good advanceshipping fic lately, but...this just will do just fine.......maybe.

    Yeah....Ill be around...remember that.
    This sentence is pointless and you have wasted your time reading it.

    Munchlax!!

  24. #24
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    Here it goes, people; new chapter. Please enjoy it!

    ---------

    “Pikachu pika?!” Pikachu almost screamed.

    “Yes, Pikachu. Portugal. ” Ash answered his pal as simply as he could.

    “Pika pikachu pichu pika?” Pikachu exclaimed with a confused look on his face.

    “For two reasons, Pikachu. Professor Oak sent May on an errand there and I want to know what it is and help her out. Secondly, there is someone I have to see there.” He said with a sad look on his face. Jealousy, anger, confusion clouded his vision but he knew he had to at least go there.

    “Pikapi, pika pikachu, pika chu?”

    “I don’t want to talk about it, ok? She said something in the letter that, that.....” Ash silenced when he thought of it. Suddenly...

    "(a growling sound)"

    "I guess some things just don't change. " Ash said, scratching his head.

    Pikachu just nodded at his trainer.

    “Ash, the dinner’s ready! It's your favorite!” Delia called her son from down the stairs.

    "Let's tell her the news, Pikachu! We're on our way to Portugal!" Ash exclaimed to the yellow mouse, already running out of his room.

    As soon as Ash got down the stairs, he heard a soft knock on the door.

    'Who could it be?' Ash thought.

    He ran to the door expecting maybe a neighbor or some angry mailman. Instead, there stood someone that Ash was not expecting to see anytime soon.

    “Dawn?” Ash ‘asked’ astonished.

    “Aha! I finally found you.” The blue-haired coordinator said as she caught her breath.

    “What are you doing here? And what do you mean by ‘finally’?” Ash asked, intrigued.

    Dawn realized she let the cat out of the bag.

    “Well, you see…” she began to explain.

    Meanwhile, Delia went to the door to see what as the commotion all about.

    “Dawn?” She heard Ash ‘ask’ as she approached her son.

    “Another one, Ash? I thought that you already liked May...” Delia that her son would be embarrassed.

    And he did. Ash grew redder than a Groudon. However, he shook it off and introduced the women.

    “Mom, this is Dawn. Dawn, this is my mom.”

    “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Ketchum. Ash has told me so much about you!” Dawn exclaimed as she extended her hand to Delia. Saved by his mother, she thought, how ironic.

    “Were those good things, or bad things?” The mother asked as she shook hands with the coordinator.

    “Good things, mostly.” Dawn said as Ash was going to the table to eat dinner.

    “Would you like to come in to have dinner?” Ash asked his friend.

    “Don’t mind if I do!” she replied.

    The dinner has been served in a big table. It was rice with stew.
    Ash opened the cabinet and picked up a bowl for Pikachu and filled it up with Pokémon food.
    He then took a plate for Dawn and filled it up with rice and stew.

    “What a gentleman!” the blue-haired coordinator said, smiling.

    “Don’t get used to it.” Ash whispered in her ear.

    As they were eating, Dawn spoke up.
    “Oh, Ash, I forgot to ask you earlier, who is May?”

    That question caught him off guard.

    “Why would you ask me something like that?!” Ash was annoyed.

    “You speak about her all the time. Who is she?” Dawn replied, questioning.

    Ash gave up. ”Fine. She is a coordinator that I mentored; kinda in the same way I helped you. Happy?”

    “No.” Dawn wanted to know everything about May. “Where is she?”

    “She’s where I will go next…” Ash said.

    “Already leaving?” Delia inquired.

    “Yes, mom, leaving... to Portugal.” Ash blunted.

    Dawn fell back anime-style on that remark.

    “I knew it.” Delia said, calmly.

    “What? Mom, did you read the letter?” Ash questioned his mother.

    “Yes, I did.” She replied.

    “Why would you do that?”

    “Because you are still my son, and every mail addressed to you is sent to here.”

    “Yeah, that’s right” He gave up.

    "Mind if I tag along?" Dawn interjected.

    "You can come if your mom accepts." Ash replied. He then turned to Pikachu. “Buddy, when you are finished eating, meet me in the bedroom.”

    “Pika pikachu”, the electric-type acknowledged.

    “Well, anyway, can I spend the night here?” Dawn asked.

    “Of course you can, dear” Delia said. “You can stay in the guest room.”

    “Thank you for everything, Mrs. Ketchum.” The coordinator replied.

    “Think nothing of it.”

    Meanwhile, Ash is in his room retting everything ready about the journey that awaited him.

    “Pikachu, are you awake?” Ash called for his partner.

    “Pika?” Pikachu replied, yawning.

    “Sorry, buddy, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

    “Pikachu”, the electric-type replied, waving off his concern.

    “Are you ready to another journey?”

    “Pika!” the Pokémon responded, throwing its paw in the air.

    “Let’s go to sleep. We have a long day tomorrow.”

    And so, Ash and Pikachu hopped into the small bed in their room, only thinking about their new journey, and May.

    Ash suddenly wakes up, chained to a chair in a very dark room with a big TV screen in front of him. He could not see anything else. He couldn't move either, no matter what he did.

    He tried to scream for help, but nothing came out of his mouth. He screamed and screamed, but nothing would come out.

    As he was beginning to lose hope, he suddenly saw the TV screen open, with a familiar brunette on it.

    'MAY!' he thought. 'Help me! May!!!' he tried screaming, but no words left his mouth.
    He then saw a shadowy figure, he could not make out any feature of the man. His heart started beating faster and faster. 'May, who is that?' he thought to himself.

    What he then saw nearly broke his heart.

    He saw May and the man at a wedding ceremony about to end.

    He heard the minister say to the mysterious man:"Robert, do you take this woman to be yours in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

    "I do." The man answered.

    The minister then turned to May:"May, do you take this man to be yours in sickness and in health, until death do you part"

    "I do." May answered.

    The minister then said to the audience:"If any of you have anything against this wedding, speak now, or forever hold your peace"

    Ash tried to speak, shout, scream but nothing came out. He couldn't save May, tell her how he feels about her. He tried and tried until....

    "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

    Ash then felt like a thousand knives piercing through his body, a never-ending pain and wishing himself dead so badly for he had lost her.


    Ash then immediately woke up and realized it was a dream.

    He was sweating and breathing heavily. He looked at Pikachu who as curled up into a ball and was fast asleep.

    Ash looked at the clock on the wall, it marked 3:14.

    Ash then went to bed, covered himself and, thinking of May, fell to sleep.

    ---------------

    I know this is bad, I will try to get it better, description is not my forte...
    What Happens..., an AmourShipping fic.
    Read it if you want, I won't force you.
    Also, read my Amourshipping drabble, about Amourshipping.

    "An inspiring book on overcoming life's obstacles."
    New York Times 4-8-2016

    Write it down on your calendars.


    We're experiencing technical diFICculties,
    Please stand by.


  25. #25
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Violet City
    Posts
    2,820

    Default

    Ok SP, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

    Whilest the plot was awesome, I love seeing your portryal of Dawn, everything else was off.

    For one, description was virtually non-existent. I do see some improvements, but seriously, I had no idea where they were, what Dawn looked like, or even Adh for that matter. The flahsback was also not descriptive at all. Usually description in flashbacks is even more detailed.

    Also, the dailouge is mundane. You keep it the same, without deviation. No description inbetween the dialouges, and there was no third person narration.

    Like in here:
    Oh, Ash, I forgot to ask you earlier, who is May?”

    That question caught him off guard.

    “Why would you ask me something like that?!” Ash was annoyed.

    “You speak about her all the time. Who is she?” Dawn replied, questioning.

    Ash gave up. ”Fine. She is a coordinator that I mentored; kinda in the same way I helped you. Happy?”

    “No.” Dawn wanted to know everything about May. “Where is she?”

    “She’s where I will go next…” Ash said.

    “Already leaving?” Delia inquired.

    “Yes, mom, leaving... to Portugal.” Ash blunted.

    Dawn fell back anime-style on that remark.

    “I knew it.” Delia said, calmly.
    I'll give you a break on grammar/spelling, seeing as you live in Portugal.

    I apologize for the harsh review, but I see some improvements. I know your potential as an author, and I think you need to strive for that. Pm me for a beta ok? but after this week.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
        Spoiler:- Review Policy and Image Credit:

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