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Thread: Twenty-five Letters to Home

  1. #1

    Default Twenty-five Letters to Home

    This is rated PG and is an original ship ;D

    Alrighty, I got around to typing up the first chapter of a short story. I haven't written anything in a while but I'm almost on Holiday break, so I should have more time to dedictate to writing. Critiques would lovely!



    An Old Letter



    A brisk wind blew through the well lit town on a Sunday evening on the first of December. Snow glistened on the trees, ornaments and reefs hung on the doors of the local residents homes and shops. This wasn’t anything new, Viridian City was always famous for having the most Holiday Cheer and this year was no different. Even with the all festivity, one boy showed no sign of happiness as he entered the town. To him, this was not a fun sight and the cold weather was nothing but a burden for his travels, even if he had no where to go. The teenage boy sighed heavily, pulled his shaggy blonde hair away from his face and looked up at the night sky. ‘Tis the season to be jolly huh? Hah, who the hell are they kidding, this is just another boring old month with no where but a pokemon center for me to go. The pokemon center was about a block away and was clearly visible due to the lit up poke ball on the roof. He kicked some snow in his path and began making his way to the center.

    He walked in and took off his jacket, and waved at Nurse Joy who was eyeing him suspiciously. Walking up to front counter to get some apple cider he could still see Nurse Joy staring at him from out of the corner of his eye.

    “I’m just wondering, did I do something wrong? Is this Cider only for you nurses or something?” he finally asked to shake off some of the awkwardness.

    Nurse Joy was taken aback by his abrupt question and she laughed as she picked up the pot off cider and poured him some more. “Of course not, it’s here for everyone! I’m so sorry for being rude, but you look like a little boy who came in here..gosh..seven or so years ago. I know its absurd but you look just like him! He was such a cutie, his name was Dominic Stevens and he was just starting his training to be a pokemon trainer and oh, he just had a ton of spunk and-” She looked up at the teenage boy and blushed. “Oh I’m sorry again, here I am blabbering on and on about stuff you could care less about. Please, feel free to stay the night if you have to.” This time it was the boy eyeing her weirdly.

    “You…remember me?” he asked setting down his cider. Nurse joy turned around and gasped in delight. “Dominic Stevens! I knew I couldn’t mistake that face, how have you been?” Dominic laughed nervously and grabbed another sip of cider before he answered the question he was hoping to avoid.

    How have I been? I can either fake a smile and tell her that all has been just fantastic and I’m super happy with life. I’m sure its the answer she’s expecting and it sounds pretty good to me. Or I can be completely honest and tell her I’ve been hating life for the past seven years and that nothing was going right. But boy, what an unnecessary thing to tell her, I’m sure she has more important things to worry about then me and my pathetic life.

    “Oh you know, just the same old thing, traveling and stuff. I’ve been pretty well, thanks for asking.” he quickly took another sip. There, lying wasn’t too hard and it looks like she bought it. Nurse Joy smiled and nodded, “I always knew you’d do well and wow I bet you have tons of badges now too huh? I mean it has been seven years, you probably have a big collection to show off!” Dominic took his sip and made it a long one. Oh crap, now I have to come clean..

    “Yeah, um, y’know what? The whole pokemon thing really wasn’t for me. I kind of just stopped after the first badge or so. I kept on traveling though, I mean that I liked and enjoyed.” Nurse Joy’s smile dropped a bit but she continued to nod anyway. “I see, well as long as you’re happy then I am too. I just really thought you were a kid with a lot of potential. What am I saying? You still have a lot, and actually I have something for you! While you were out traveling you got a lot of letters but you never came back to pick any up. Why don’t I go get those now?” Nurse Joy left the room and Dominic got tense again. He knew who those letters were from and he wasn’t too sure if he could bring himself to read them. Nurse Joy returned from the back room a few minutes later with a bundle of letters.

    “Here you are, and it should be fun for you to read because some of these were sent when you first left home seven years ago.” she handed them over and took his empty mug of cider with her as she walked into the back room again. Leaving Dominic by himself with his letters. He pulled o the rubber band which was binding them together and pulled out the first letter in the stack. The envelope was a bit wrinkled and had some messy writing on the front. He slowly opened it and grabbed the letter out of it. He breathed in and looked down at the writing, it was definitely from seven years ago, the writing looked young and sloppy.

    Dear Dominic,
    Hi! How are you? I know you just left a few days ago but I miss you a lot already. I want you to come home when you get your first badge so that you, me and Squirtle can party! We can dress up and have a tea party in my room like we did before you left. Or are you too cool to do that now that you’re a big bad trainer now? Just get home soon ok? Good Luck Dommy.


    See you soon,
    Callie.



    Dominic stared at the letter and re-read it over and over again. The memory of Callie came back to him and he chuckled to himself as he thought about their tea parties. She did say that they were going to party when he got his first badge. He folded the letter nicely and put it back in its envelope. He then pulled out the rest of the letters and counted them up, he wanted to know how many times he must have disappointed poor Callie. As he looked at the last letter, which was sent only a few weeks ago, he sighed sadly. Twenty-five times I’ve disappointed you..twenty-five times. And you’re still thinking about me? Oh Callie, you always had too big of a heart. Dominic looked up at the calendar and realized it was the first of December.

    “Hey Nurse Joy, how long did it take me to get from Lavender Town to Viridian? I think I told you how many it days it was right?” he asked, still looking at the calendar, a smirk began to make its way onto his face.

    Nurse Joy giggled, “Of course I remember, it took you twenty-five days to get here. You were so proud because you got all the way here in less than a month. You told your mom that you’d be in Pallet Town to see Oak in one month and she thought you’d take longer that.” Dominic looked once more at the calendar and put his finger on the twenty-fifth, on Christmas Day.

    Callie, I’ve avoided coming home for too long and I’ve disappointed you for too long. I think it’s about time that I came home.


    ---

    I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me what you think. ^^
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 3rd July 2009 at 2:29 AM.
    twins with: Uza-chan | paired with: Staryu
    pkmn trainer Light → 1 badge. 3 [oshawott, pansear, munna]. nacrene city ♥


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    837

    Default

    An enjoyable first chapter which has lured me into curiosity. I'm assuming these are original characters of yours since you didn't advertise a particular 'ship and I don't know who Dominic is. But then again I guess he could be a random character of the day, but I enjoy original trainer fics regardless. A word of warning - us shippers generally dislike original universes and the like, so you'll probably find this better off in the general fics section.

    From a personal point of view I generally dislike the "angsty" characters, which Dominic seems to resemble closely, but I'll be sure to continue reading regardless as I am somewhat curious about what happened in his past. You described Nurse Joy exactly as I often imagine her when sitting back and watching the anime - a strange uniqueness, yet odd familiarity.

    From a writing perspective your style is pretty much flawless. I noted one vague mistake where it seemed at times you would forget to break up character's speaking sections into their own paragraphs. For example:

    “Yeah, um, y’know what? The whole pokemon thing really wasn’t for me. I kind of just stopped after the first badge or so. I kept on traveling though, I mean that I liked and enjoyed.” Nurse Joy’s smile dropped a bit but she continued to nod anyway. “I see, well as long as you’re happy then I am too. I just really thought you were a kid with a lot of potential. What am I saying? You still have a lot, and actually I have something for you! While you were out traveling you got a lot of letters but you never came back to pick any up. Why don’t I go get those now?” Nurse Joy left the room and Dominic got tense again. He knew who those letters were from and he wasn’t too sure if he could bring himself to read them. Nurse Joy returned from the back room a few minutes later with a bundle of letters.
    Should be:

    “Yeah, um, y’know what? The whole pokemon thing really wasn’t for me. I kind of just stopped after the first badge or so. I kept on traveling though, I mean that I liked and enjoyed.”

    Nurse Joy’s smile dropped a bit but she continued to nod anyway. “I see, well as long as you’re happy then I am too. I just really thought you were a kid with a lot of potential. What am I saying? You still have a lot, and actually I have something for you! While you were out traveling you got a lot of letters but you never came back to pick any up. Why don’t I go get those now?”

    Nurse Joy left the room and Dominic got tense again. He knew who those letters were from and he wasn’t too sure if he could bring himself to read them. Nurse Joy returned from the back room a few minutes later with a bundle of letters.
    Aside from that I really enjoyed your deep, vivid descriptions of the world, from the interior of the Pokemon Centre to the biting cold outside, and I'll be very interested to see where you take this. Any chance I could be put on a PM list of some description?
    Good Love Charm
    *COMPLETE*

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    the Reverse World
    Posts
    4,001

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    I enjoyed this first chapter - very engaging and not boring even though not much happens. That takes skill. ;D
    Anyway, you described your original character well-enough for me to make a generalization of him, but might I suggest some more description in his clothing or other features? Doesn't have to be blatant (he wore this and this and had...), but just snuck in somewhere, in the future.
    There was also one mistake that needs to be changed:
    ...mug of cider with her as she walked into the back room again. Leaving Dominic by himself with his letters.
    The bolded sentence is a fragment and breaks up reading comprehension. I think you meant to make it like this:
    mug of cider with her as she walked into the back room again, leaving Dominic by himself with his letters.
    I do like this story and I like where it's going. I will be watching this one and can't wait for a new installment.

    As for legal, mod-business, even if this is an original, please state so. Shippers might look away from your ship, fearing they might read a ship they don't like. And it's required anyway. Thank you.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

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