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Thread: Special Christmas Party - CommonerShipping [DiamondXBerlitz] - Rated: PG

  1. #1

    Default Special Christmas Party - CommonerShipping [DiamondXBerlitz] - Rated: PG

    My second fanfic. This time it's DiamondXBerlitz.

    ---

    Special Christmas Party - CommonerShipping - Rated: PG

    Far, far in the mountains a trio of travelers are up to go to the next place. A girl was sitting on her Ponyta and had a black shirt, with a white undershirt on. With an pink skirt and pink boots. She had darkblue hair. And had a white cap She was lead by two boys. One of them was dressed in red and had also a red barret on his head. With blue trousers. He had brown hair. Then, last but not least a boy with blonde hair. He weared an white with orange shirt and good looking trousers. They're called, Ms. Berlitz, Diamond and Pearl.

    "It's cold." Ms. Berlitz growled.

    "Don't be afraid missie, we'll be in the next town soon." Pearl answerd.

    "Thanks alot." Ms. Berlitz said clearly annoyed. "And if you call me missie again i'll break your legs by my self. Loud and clear?"

    "Yes miss." Pearl answerd afraid.

    "Good." She said when she was turning her attention to the road.

    It was a long way between Pastoria City and Hearthome City. Everywhere they looked was green, they did see some wild Pokemon but they were scared away by Pearl's loud jokes. There was a path that was brow. If they are lucky enough they would reach Hearthome in a couple of hours.

    It was sillent until Diamond comes with the next question: "What's the date of today?"

    "Why do you want to know?" Pearl asked.

    "Do I have to give you a reason?" Diamond said annoyed.

    "Not at all." Ms. Berlitz said in a laughing mood. "We don't to have give him reasons anyway, his mind is too small."

    "Funny missie." Pearl said annoyed.

    "Ahem." Ms. Berlitz coughed.

    "I mean miss." Pearl answerd back.

    "Well anyway," Ms. Berlitz started. "Today's December 22st."

    "December 22st huh." Diamond said softly.

    "You're deaf?" Pearl asked.

    "Funny." Diamond said. "Well, as far as I know it's christmas time in two more days."

    "Yeah," Ms. Berlitz said. "You're right."

    "Are we going to do something special?" Diamond asked.

    "Yes." Pearl said. "I'm going to sing a christmas song to make the trees dead so I don't have to find a mistletoe and get kissed by her."

    "Listen to my." Ms. Berlitz said annoyed. "If you even THINK I will kiss you, then you're not of this world."

    Diamond just keeps walking by saying nothing. He had a crush on the lady the last few months now.

    After a 5 minutes of no words he maneged to say: "Are we going to do something?"

    "Yes I love to spend Christmas with you..." Ms. Berlitz said blushing.

    "Whay did you just said?" Pearl asked.

    "Yes I love to spend Christmas with you... two..." Ms. Berlitz said she couldn't say in her usual tone.

    --------------------

    Our heroes arrived in Hearthome City, it was a big place. The date was December 24. So it was the day before christmas. Everywhere were they looked where houses. There was a special market for Christmas at this time. The trio wents to the biggest hotel in the city. They had get te biggest room.

    "Wow," Diamond said while he couldn't believe his eyes. "This must be longer then a kilometre."

    "Let one thing be clear." Ms. Berlitz began. "For this time I sleep with you in one room. Because it's christmas time."

    "What's the clear point?" Pearl asked.

    "You know, loud and clear what I mean." Ms. Berlitz said by giving him a scary look. "And don't try to do it."

    "I would not dare miss." Pearl said. "Sometime's it looks like you can smell me when i'm 6 metres away of you."

    "You're right." Ms. Berlitz said. "You smells."

    "Ha, she does own ya now." Diamond laughs.

    "Hey there do something more for your friend." Pearl taunted. "Your girlfriend can take care of herself."

    Ms. Berlitz and Diamond their faces were clearly red now.

    "Now you must really look out, stupid fool." Ms. Berlitz said.

    "I'm going to get some meals for tonight's christmas meal." Diamond said. "See you guys soon."

    "Wait." Ms. Berlitz said. "I want to come with you."

    "Why?" Pearl asked.

    "You don't think i'm going to stay with you ALONE?" Ms. Berlitz said. "I want to cook this time too."

    "But you can't cook." Pearl said annoyed.

    "That isn't true!" Ms. Berlitz screeched.

    "Well, lets put it this way then," Pearl said. "You're to lazy to cook."

    "Listen." Ms. Berlitz said. "I'm going to cook with Diamond and i'm going to poison you!"

    "Funny" Pearl said.

    -----------------------------

    In the supermarket Ms. Berlitz and Diamond are walking ahead to buy some meals.

    "What are we going to make?" Ms. Berlitz asked. "You may say it for this time."

    "Really?" Diamond asked. "Well, let me see."

    "Maybe..." he began. "Some pasta."

    "I love pasta." Ms. Berlitz said happy.

    "Yes, me too." Diamond said.

    "I like macaroni, with cheese and bacon." Diamond said. "It tastes very good."

    "I have never eat that before." Ms. Berlitz said. "But at the sound it sounds just so... Yummy."

    "Wow, there's some girly things in you." Diamond choked.

    "Yes," Ms. Berlitz said. "But please don't tell Pearl. He'll never stops with taunting then."

    "Sure." Diamond said. "Why would I do that?"

    "Yeah." Ms. Berlitz said. "You know, you're the only one who is trying to be my friend and not my slave."

    "Huh?" Diamond said. "I don't get it."

    "Well, I like you." Ms. Berlitz said. "Maybe I like you so much that I love you."

    Diamond was turned red and Ms. Berlitz gave him a peck on his lips.

    "And?" Ms. Berlitz asked.

    "Well." Diamond said. "I have to say I love you so much too."

    "You mean it?" Ms. Berlitz asked with tears in her eyes.

    "Yes." Diamond said.

    Ms. Berlitz and Diamond want to kiss again but then Diamond said: "Maybe we need to do that somewhere else, not in the supermarket."

    "Yes, you're right." Ms. Berlitz said. "But do you want to come with me to buy christmas presents."

    "Sure." Diamond said.

    -----------------------------

    Diamond and Ms. Berlitz walked in the hotelroom as they saw that Pearl laying on one of the beds.

    "Must we wake him up?" Diamond asked.

    "Yes." Ms. Berlitz giggled. "But i do it at my own way."

    "How?" Diamond asked.

    "This way." Ms. Berlitz giggled.

    "Pearl. You fool." Ms. Berlitz screeched. "You're butt is burning."

    "What?" Pearl screeches. "Hoooot."

    "Fool." Ms. Berlitz giggled.

    "Hey you guys bought an christmas tree." Pearl said.

    "Yes." Ms. Berlitz said. "And we bought some presents too."

    "Wait." Pearl said when he saw that Ms. Berlitz her head was laying on Diamond's shoulder. "I must say..."

    "Before you start." Ms. Berlitz growled. "Yes, we have declared our love to each other."

    "That's great." Pear said.

    "Did I fall asleep?" Ms. Berlitz asked. "This is heaven, I died? Didn't he just make an funny joke?"

    "No." Pearl said. "I'm just happy for you both because I know it all of the time."

    "Wow, the christmas tree is beautifull." Diamond said looking at Ms. Berlitz. "Wanna to cover it with christmas balls and other things with me?"

    "Love to." Ms. Berlitz said.

    "I'm going to buy also some christmas presents." Pearl said. "Later."

    "See ya." Ms. Berlitz and Diamond said.

    -----------------------------

    After 30 minutes Ms. Berlitz and Diamond were ready with making the tree beautiful. The tree was big. They used a lot of balls. Lights were also in the tree. With a lot of different colours.

    "It looks..." Diamond began.

    "Beautiful?" Ms. Berlitz asked.

    "Yes." Diamond said. "But not as beautiful as you."

    "Gee thanks." Ms. Berlitz said with a blush.

    Diamond takes a jump on to the bed.

    "Hey." Ms. Berlitz spoke. "You promised my something."

    "Wha?" Diamond asked.

    "In the supermarket it was too noisy to kiss." Ms. Berlitz said blushing. "Well, this place is safe."

    "Yeah. Right." Diamond said also with a blush. "Come here then."

    Ms. Berlitz was trying to get up to Diamond.

    "Love... You." Ms. Berlitz said with a smile.

    "Love ya... Too." Diamond said also with a smile.

    They began to kiss each other. For Diamond it tasted great. With his tongue in her mouth. It tastes like strawberry.

    'Weird.' he thought. 'She tastes to strawberry, but also smells to strawberry.'

    At times Ms. Berlitz was very elegant. When she had an Gym Battle or a Contest she always did something with her head. And always she smashed her hair into the face of Diamond. That's why he could tell she smells to strawberry's.

    After a minute of 5, they broke appart. Ms. Berlitz laid next to him resting her head on his shoulder. It didn't take very long when they both getting in a deep sleep.

    -----------------------------

    After a hour when Diamond and Ms. Berlitz their deep kiss was ended, Pearl came back.

    "What cute." He said.

    He saw that Diamond and Ms. Berlitz were laying on the bed with Ms. Berlitz on Diamond's shoulder.

    "At this time. It's only at 4." Pearl thought. "Well whatever."

    Pearl couldn't take it, he had to make a joke. He bought a fake spider in the form of an Spinarak. It was not very big and he decides to lay it on Ms. Berlitz nose.

    "When she's going to awake." Pearl grinned. "A little surprise is waiting for her then."

    As Pearl's plan worked. Ms. Berlitz waked up as the first.

    She opened her eyes and gives out a loud scream and screeches Diamond's name.

    Diamond waked up and saw that a scared Ms. Berlitz was on top of him.

    "What's the matter?" Diamond asked.

    "A-a-a Spider." Ms. Berlitz screamed.

    "That thing?" Diamond asked.

    "Y-yes." she said.

    Diamond touches the spider and said the next thing to Ms. Berlitz: "Its a fake one."

    "A fake one?" Ms. Berlitz asked.

    "Yes." He said.

    Pearl comes in and laughs: "Well I wished you could see your own face now."

    "You fool!" Ms. Berlitz screamed. "Now i'm going to kick you hard."

    Ms. Berlitz was trying to kick Pearl but Diamond stopped her by grabbing her arms.

    "You're in luck that Diamond holds me." She said angry. "Or the result was different."

    Pearl stared at her when she moved with her legs to kick.

    "I get a view what Diamond loves to see." He said.

    "Wha." Ms. Berlitz said blushing and stops with kicking.

    Now Ms. Berlitz was free of Diamond's arms and she was ready to kick and slap him. She was ready to let him see every part of the room.

    "Hey stop." Diamond said.

    "Why?" Ms. Berlitz asked.

    "Maybe you kill him." Diamond answered.

    "Don't give me any ideas." Ms. Berlitz grinned.

    Diamond thought there was only one way to calm Ms. Berlitz down. He decides to kiss Ms. Berlitz on her mouth again.

    "Thanks." she said. "That calmed me down."

    "If you want to do that again," Pearl began. "do it when I'm not around."

    Ms. Berlitz started to kick again. This time she kicked him clear in his face. She kicked him so hard that he falled asleep.

    "Sweet dreams." she said.

    -----------------------------

    While Ms. Berlitz and Diamond were cooking in the kitchen who was in a extra room. Pearl was still asleep. He waked up and asked something loud.

    "Can I take a shower." He asked.

    "Why not?" Diamond yelled back.

    "But I'm not comming to wash your back." Ms. Berlitz yelled.

    "I'm in luck." Pearl yelled back. "Then I can take that shower in peace."

    "Why you little..." Ms. Berlitz screamed.

    "Calm down." Diamond said. "When he's ready why don't you take a shower also?"

    "That's not a bad idea." Ms. Berlitz said.

    "I can take control of the food." Diamond said.

    "But when I'm ready you can go." Ms. Berlitz said. "Then I take control of the food."

    -----------------------------

    After an hour they were ready. It was 6 O'clock and the three were dressed in their pyjamas.

    Diamond was dressed in his red pyjama. It had some blue stripes on it.

    Ms. Berlitz was dressed in her pink pyjama. Her trousers were not as pink as the rest.

    Pearl was dressed in a complete green pyjama.

    They were now eating the macaroni with cheese and bacon.

    "Tastes good." Ms. Berlitz and Diamond said together.

    "Never thought i could get it over my lips." Pearl said. "But you're cooking very great together."

    "Thanks." They said.

    After an hour they completed their meal. And they were sitting around the cristmas tree. In total there were 6 presents. Each of them bought one for the other.

    They decided that Ms. Berlitz may take the first present, it was an exclusive Ball Sticker for her Empoleon. When it opened everywhere were bubbles. Ms. Berlitz was very happy with the present and did know Pearl bought it.

    Diamond now opened his present. It was the same thing what Ms. Berlitz got. But these were with leafs. Ms. Berlitz did know now that the present she got was Pearl's.

    Pearl did get Lava Cookies. They're perfect for his Infernape.

    After that Ms. Berlitz opened her present and her mouth falls open.

    It was an necklace with little Diamonds and in the centre there was an gold stone.

    "May I asks who of you bought this." Ms. Berlitz asked.

    "Who do you think. I wasn't." Pearl said.

    Diamond said nothing he was only blushing.

    Ms. Berlitz looked up at Diamond. "You bought this?" She asked.

    "Yes." Diamond said. "I was collecting money the last 5 months to buy this for you."

    "That's so sweet of you." Ms. Berlitz said and she kissed him on his mouth.

    Next up Diamond opened his present. It were new Running Shoes. But Diamond saw that it were the most expencive ones in the world.

    "Thanks." Diamond said to Ms. Berlitz. "I think i got this of you."

    "Yes." She said. "I had an feeling you would like it."

    Last one was the last present it was Pearl's. He had got a new scarf. It looks like it's old one but it fits much better.

    "Look!" Diamond said when he was looking out of the window.

    It was snowing, big time.

    "Looks like we'll get an white christmas this year." Ms. Berlitz said.

    "Right." Diamond answered.

    "Let's go outside." Pearl said while he was running outside.

    "Hey wait up you." Diamond and Ms. Berlitz said while they're running after him.

    Pearl was in the snow when he looked back at Ms. Berlitz and Diamond.

    "Hey," Pearl began. "Look where you under."

    Ms. Berlitz and Diamond where standing under an mistletoe.

    "Well," Ms. Berlitz said. "you know what's next."

    Ms. Berlitz and Diamond were kissing now. And they never wanted this moment to end.

    ---- End ----

    Please review.

  2. #2
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    That was an extremely funny and amusing story. Seriously Pearl makes me laugh.

    Phoenix

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  3. #3
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    Okay, it's not very often I review, but I'll make an exception for yours since there's a lot I have to say about this.

    1. There are a LOT of mistakes here. I spotted over 30 spelling mistakes. You know, a lot of them are very easy to correct, but in the way you wrote your fanfiction, to my eyes, this is a very rushed piece. You even spelled the characters' names incorrectly, which is really bad to be honest. It's almost like you posted this right after finishing the last sentence. I'll give you some advice here: proofread. Don't post the minute you're done. Instead, do something else for one hour [or more], then come back and reread it. If you're unsure, get a friend to read it, and I mean someone who is good at pointing out mistakes. It really helps if you do these things.

    2. Goodness, there's so many grammar mistakes here. May I ask if you even read this over? Really, a lot of your sentences make no sense whatsoever. Take the first paragragh for example:

    Far, far in the mountains a trio of travelers are up to go to the next place. A girl was sitting on her Ponyta and had a black shirt, with a white undershirt on. With an pink skirt and pink boots. She had darkblue hair. And had a white cap She was lead by two boys. One of them was dressed in red and had also a red barret on his head. With blue trousers. He had brown hair. Then, last but not least a boy with blonde hair. He weared an white with orange shirt and good looking trousers. They're called, Ms. Berlitz, Diamond and Pearl.
    Your beginning sentence is very weak without a doubt. Far, far in the mountains a trio of travelers are up to go to the next place. Are up to go...? That doesn't make any sense. You have to clarify on what you mean, or else your audience will have no idea what you're talking about.

    When beginning a fanfiction, I would suggest that you describe the location. The way you told makes me very confused. Where exactly are they? What time is it? What day is it? How are the characters walking? What kind of environment are they in? Why are they there? How did they get there? Once you answer with all of the five senses, then it'll come up to be a much stronger opening.

    A girl was sitting on her Ponyta and had a black shirt, with a white undershirt on. With an pink skirt and pink boots. She had darkblue hair. And had a white cap She was lead by two boys.
    I dislike how you described Ms. Berlitz greatly. When you describe a character, you have to start a new paragragh. When I say this, you have to be a lot more specific. Don't put in, "With an pink skirt and pink boots". Don't ever do that. That's a huge grammar mistake that you must never miss. Instead try something like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by MistyMix89 ~By the way, do not copy this as your own work. This is just an example.~
    Over the path, there was a rich-looking girl behind the two companions, riding a white stallion. Its' tail was brightly lit by fire while it has kind brown eyes. Every few moments, the stallion would neigh happily while its' owner would simply smile.

    She had long dark blue hair, the kind that resembled the depths of the ocean floor. It was mostly loose, except that the back of her head had a neat knot. When anyone would see her from the front, one cannot help but to notice adorable yellow clips, making her look stand out more. A white hat was over her hair, completing her style.

    Her eyes were a mysterious hue of darkness, ones that could not be read easily. The girl's physical features represented casuality, regardless of her high status. Her clothes consisted of a fitting white shirt covered by a comfortable black tank top. It had designs of spikes at the bottom, thus, leading attention to her short light pink skirt. The young girl had tall black socks that reached up to the end of her knees as pink colored boots suited the look. Lastyly, a piece of warm white fleece surrounded her bare neck, an item very useful for the cold climate.

    Her style was cute and somewhat unique, something that could not be imitated by others. That was something she was filled with pride for.
    See how it is now? I described exactly how Ms. Berlitz would look [even though I used Dawn as a better example]. Sometimes, it helps whenever you have a picture of the character in front of you. You'll be able to capture the physical traits of a character well.

    And had a white cap She was lead by two boys.
    A run-on sentence cleary shows that a writer barely puts effort into writing. Bad mistake, don't do it. People won't take you seriously as a writer.

    3. I basically covered description in the last few sentences above, but I'll tell you that it's very useful when you use it. Sometimes, when you have too much dialogue and a lack of description, that will result in readers reading your fanfiction even less. What I'm trying to say is that you not only have to cover the location but also the actions of characters, along with their emotions. You lack a lot of it, so we barely know what goes on during important scenes. I highly suggest fixing the entire story and putting in less dialogue.

    There's a balance of how much to put in every story; that is something you can discover and learn for yourself.

    4. The plot was pretty weak, I have to admit. It was decent but with all of the mistakes I've seen here, your story becomes weaker. The more mistakes you have, the more reviewers are going to put them out. I suggest ficing that as well. Description is your friend. =D

    5. Vocabulary. Okay, the majority of words I saw here was said, said, and said. Sometimes, you used screamed and yelled. There's a lot more ways to describe the tone and feelings of a character besides those words. I suggest getting a good thesaurus to help you expand your vocabulary. I mean it. It's not only helpful in fanfiction, but it's a necessary tool to use in the future. I'm not kidding when I say that.


    Overall, I do hope all of this helps you a lot. I hope I didn't sound too hard on you, I'm only trying to help you improve. ^^; I would highly suggest a rewrite. If you do that, I'll review once more for you and tell you what I think of it. =]

    Best of luck to you, and I hope you take all of my advice well!
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

  4. #4
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    I haven't read the D/P manga, so your story is kinda confusing. Is Diamond the kid with blonde hair, or the kid with blue hair? Or, Rival or male Hero?
    MK Wii FC: 4125-3565-2043

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    But seriously, I agree with BitchBlast's point from a few posts back.

  5. #5
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    Diamond is the main male character, Pearl is the rival with blonde hair, and Berlitz is the main female character(dawn) from the games.

    Phoenix

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    can you hear the counting song of pain? the president.

  6. #6

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    Thanks MistyMix89. I don't know if i'm editting it. And I don't think i'll write in English anymore but in my own language. I'm dutch, and writing English is much more difficult than i thought...

    But yeah, maybe I just needs to learn it ...

  7. #7
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    How did Seviper009 find the banner on Pokemon Adventure Diamond and Pearl?
    If my eyes fail me, I will still be able to see thee
    If my ears fail me, I will still be able to hear thee
    Even without legs, I will walk to thee
    Even without the lips, I will sing thy name
    Even with my arms broken to pieces, I will hold on to thee with my warm beating heart
    If my brain cases to run, then I may
    embrace thee with my blood

  8. #8

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    I didn't find it. I made it myself.

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