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Thread: Beginning of a Legend (PG)

  1. #1
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    Default Beginning of a Legend (PG)

    Well. Here I am again, posting this in it's second incarnation...for the second time. Either I need to write quicker, or people just generally think I'm to meh at writing to bother posting.

    Either way, I'm going to shove this down your throats again. Say hi to my fic!

    ~The Beginning of a Legend~

    Prologue

    The sun was setting on the outskirts of Goldenrod city.
    No. Get………Away!
    The setting sun dyed the town a brilliant orangey colour.
    I…Need…to deliver…
    A circular creature appeared over the horizon, it’s silhouette standing out against the setting sun.
    He…Needs…to get…this…
    The creature was small in height, with three balls, which looked like cotton, protruding from it’s body. It was running as fast as it’s little legs could carry it.
    If…it catches…me…I’m…doomed!
    Then a larger, birdlike creature covered the setting sun, it’s silhouette covering the surrounding forest in shadow.
    No…I need to…get away…Cotton Spore!
    Spores of cotton floated towards the great creature. They clung to it’s body but to no avail. One beat of it’s huge wings and they had fallen apart and blew off into the night.
    Why…are you…attacking…me?
    She was panting, running out of energy fast. She knew that if she got hit by just one attack she wouldn’t make it. But still…
    She jumped, and caught the wind with her cottony hands. She floated around to the other side of the winged beast, and caught the last rays of the sun.
    You’re in for it now! Solarbeam!
    She quickly absorbed the dieing rays and turned them into a bright beam of light energy. This, she hoped, would buy her enough time to deliver the message.
    The beam of light struck the monster square between the eyes, it fell backwards and collapsed onto the ground.
    Take…that…you…big………Thing!

    As the sun set, she healed herself using her Synthesis. She climbed up into a tree, waiting for the next gust of easterly wind. As the wind blew strong, she jumped out of the tree and floated in the current. But something was wrong.
    Hang on. This wind is a lot stronger than anything I have seen in Goldenrod before. This is the kind of wind you would get, in the…Whirl…Islands! It can’t be. He collapsed! He can’t be…

    A little boy, no older than 8 years old, heard the screech from the window of his room in western Goldenrod. He climbed out of his window and rushed off in the direction of the forest. He wandered around for what felt like hours. Then, through a gap in the trees he saw something, something that would haunt him for the rest of his life. Through the bushes he saw, a body, looking somewhat like a Jumpluff. His fathers favourite Pokemon. There was a trail of cotton spores reaching ten metres further into the clearing. By the body, there was a crumpled up piece of paper. He couldn’t make out what it said, but he could recognise that insignia anywhere.


    ~~~~~

    So yeah, please comment and I'll try to post more often and keep writing! I already have chapter 1 finished but I'll wait for some people to post first.

    *sits back and waits*
    Last edited by ~*Mudkip Fantastic*~; 13th October 2008 at 10:18 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by ?????? View Post
    i is afraid of bad grammarz in t3h title

    Failure.
    ~The number 1 Mudkip fanatic!~
    ~Bebo - Facebook ~

    ~I was a Gligar fan BEFORE Satoshi got one!
    If you were too, copy and paste this in your sig.~

    ~Claims~
    ~Pokemon: Gligar~
    ~Anime Songs: Maemukki Rocketto-Dan / Ready Go! both from Pokemon~
    ~Celebrities: Terry Wogan - The Stig~
    ~Anime Bishie: Shinku from Rozen Maiden~

    ~I currently have 85 Trained Pokemon so pick 6 for Roulette Battles!~
    ~Diamond FC: 1376 1038 9979~

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Default

    What is this I don't even.

    Before I say anything else; Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors thread.

    Firstly, the least you could do, outside of flushing out descriptions, emotions and interactions, attacks and all that, and spacing properly. Is to Italicize thoughts. Or put a ' or a " before and after each passing thought. It helps tell the reader This is a thought of a person, pokemon, or some random talking hermit crab with an IQ of 140.

    Secondly, this was rushed; the daunting travel of the Jumpluff is lost because you really didn't take time to describe the horror, the death, or atleast the boy being shocked to a numb chill at the sight of something that looked remotely like a squashed jumpluff, and overall, didn't really put much meat to the bone of the story; leaving people gnawing for more, when they won't get much.

    Prologues can be teasers; but usually there's more to tease people with.

  3. #3
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    This does sound interesting and if you take the advice Yami has given it could be great, i do want to find out what happens next though.

  4. #4
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    Default

    Oh sorry about the itallics. They are in the word document but I forgot to put them on here.

    I'll just change that.

    And on your other points, I'll try and re-write it soon do all that. I do admit I did rush it when I first wrote it.
    Last edited by ~*Mudkip Fantastic*~; 13th October 2008 at 10:21 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by ?????? View Post
    i is afraid of bad grammarz in t3h title

    Failure.
    ~The number 1 Mudkip fanatic!~
    ~Bebo - Facebook ~

    ~I was a Gligar fan BEFORE Satoshi got one!
    If you were too, copy and paste this in your sig.~

    ~Claims~
    ~Pokemon: Gligar~
    ~Anime Songs: Maemukki Rocketto-Dan / Ready Go! both from Pokemon~
    ~Celebrities: Terry Wogan - The Stig~
    ~Anime Bishie: Shinku from Rozen Maiden~

    ~I currently have 85 Trained Pokemon so pick 6 for Roulette Battles!~
    ~Diamond FC: 1376 1038 9979~

  5. #5
    Join Date
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    Default

    Nice...
    You need more description, I can't figure out what the big bird Pokemon is...or are you suppose to keep it as a secret?

    Surfing through the waves, diving deep into the sea,
    playing along the beach, having fun all day long.

  6. #6
    Join Date
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    Default

    You're not supposed to know. But most people say it is too obvious.

    I'll get to re-writing the prolouge soon. I'll probably post chapter 1 later in the week if I get the prologue re done.
    Quote Originally Posted by ?????? View Post
    i is afraid of bad grammarz in t3h title

    Failure.
    ~The number 1 Mudkip fanatic!~
    ~Bebo - Facebook ~

    ~I was a Gligar fan BEFORE Satoshi got one!
    If you were too, copy and paste this in your sig.~

    ~Claims~
    ~Pokemon: Gligar~
    ~Anime Songs: Maemukki Rocketto-Dan / Ready Go! both from Pokemon~
    ~Celebrities: Terry Wogan - The Stig~
    ~Anime Bishie: Shinku from Rozen Maiden~

    ~I currently have 85 Trained Pokemon so pick 6 for Roulette Battles!~
    ~Diamond FC: 1376 1038 9979~

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    4,501

    Default

    You know just because the forums lag doesn't mean you need to keep hitting the post button...

    Well now that it seems you do listen to advice. To an extent. Flush out the emotions and description. And space them properly.

    Quote Originally Posted by EXAMPLE
    The sun was setting on the outskirts of Goldenrod city; Setting the sky alight in the glows of orange, pink and gold as it lowered ever more beyond the far horizon. The colors also seemed to wash over the city, and the people below.

    But the beautiful scenery was ignored as a haggard dark cobalt plant like form, panted and struggled against the still air of the dusk; three stiff stick like growths from her head and body wiggled and struggled in the air, sending puffs of white from the large cottony down globes that each stick ended in. As the Jumpluff continued with her struggling, her mind seemed to pant out the thoughts that she could not voice.

    'No, get.. away! I.. need, to deliver…' Her mind struggled to wheeze out from fear and exhaustion as it seemed she was fleeing from something chasing her.
    Now do you see how better it is? How much more gripping? And to think I just took the first four lines you did, Took the time, and Flushed Them Out.

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