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Thread: Visions Of Fate (PG-14)

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    Default Visions Of Fate (PG-14)

    One girl, starting her Pokemon journey… with a rather uncooperative partner. One boy, on the run from his past, trying to survive purely in the present. Two destinies, entwined inseparably, each soul unaware that the fates are guiding them closer to their true path.

    How will they survive in a world where traitors and murderers smile at you on the street, where anyone you pass could be your darkest nightmare in disguise?

    But they must succeed. For if they fail, all will end…

    This story has a key to make it easier to understand.
    * is a breaker I use to change the narrating character within a chapter.
    *~*~* is a breaker I use to indicate passage of time but keep the same narrator.
    This” is when a Pokemon speaks and I’ve translated what it’s saying.
    “This” is humans speaking or telepathy.
    This is used for thoughts, memories and other stuff that goes on inside the character’s mind.

    I just couldn’t wait to post this. I’m going to keep working on my other fics as well, but I want to try what everyone else does and post as I write. I don’t know how often chapters will come. My beta readers are not working on this; they have their own fics as well as my other ones to work on and I don’t want to overburden them. Please feel free to criticize and make suggestions for future chapters. The prologue is in third person, but all future chapters will be in first person. Okay, now I’ve rambled for long enough. Enjoy the story!

    Oh, and by the way, the rating is for violence, a little blood and dark themes.

    Prologue

    One day will come two… who will unite… conquer enmity… curse shall claim the life of… yet rescue at the hands of enmity is… will go on to fight obstacles and accomplish what… guardian never succeeded… not without obstacles… fail would result in the loss of all life, human and Pokemon alike…

    Ancient scripture, written at unknown date.


    *

    BBRRIINNGG!!!

    A gaudy pink alarm clock began its shrill ringing from on top of its pine cabinet beside the heaped bed as the first rays of sunlight began to spill joyfully into the room, illuminating the avalanche of clothes and books scattered in heaps all over the floor. The monstrous, many-coloured pile of blankets on the bed shifted slightly; a pale-skinned arm clawed its way to freedom, the long-fingered hand groping around for the alarm clock until it finally knocked it onto the floor. With a crash, the clock shattered, spilling cogs all over the rosewood floor.

    The hand clawed again at the patched and faded blankets, finally clearing enough space for a head to emerge. The mass of frizzy, dark blonde hair made its owner resemble an angry albino Jigglypuff. Two sleepy chestnut eyes blinked from beneath this mop of hair, then screwed closed as the girl stifled a yawn.

    “Happy birthday, Marisa,” she murmured to herself.

    After a moment of hesitation, Marisa kicked off her blankets and crawled out of bed, carefully avoiding the broken remains of her alarm clock. Her bare feet slapped against the floor as she made her way to the closet, kicked aside a heap of undersized children’s clothing and yanked open the green-painted closet door. Unsurprisingly, there was hardly anything inside. Another yawn shook her body as she gazed into the mirror on the inside of the door, seeing a slender, unimpressive ten-year-old girl with very little cleavage, wearing a bright blue nightdress that barely covered her backside. It had fit perfectly when she was eight.

    Marisa cast a glance at her bedroom door to make sure it was closed, then shed her nightdress in favour of a simple outfit. Once dressed in her black shorts and aqua blue T-shirt, which featured the logo of a band called Jezebel’s Curse, she examined herself in the mirror and felt only a sense of relief that it fitted. She didn’t really like the shirt; her mother had picked it out for her earlier that year.

    Finished with examining herself, Marisa began to search in the bottom of her closet for her favourite mauve backpack. She had last seen it months earlier…

    …somewhere.

    She dropped down onto her hands and knees and began to dig through a pile of shoes that no longer fitted. It was surprising how many different pairs she had, including soccer shoes, sandals, high-heeled shoes… She came to a halt, holding up a pair of pink satin ballet slippers. She couldn’t even remember taking ballet lessons…

    There was no backpack among the shoes. Marisa rose to her feet again and nudged the closet door closed, then turned slowly to face the disaster zone that was her bedroom. She practically needed an Escape Rope to find the door from amongst all of her junk. She had been meaning to get rid of some of it, but there was always some sort of distraction.

    With a sigh, Marisa resigned herself to searching for her backpack in the mountains of discarded possessions. She raised one hand to her face in imitation of a walkie-talkie. “Pshht… Marisa West calling in for backup. Repeat, Marisa West needs backup. And maybe a team of Growlithe to find me. I’m going in… pshht…” She dropped her hand, took a deep breath and waded into the sea of clothing on a rescue mission for her backpack.

    *~*~*

    Meanwhile, not so far away, a young boy awakened to the sound of clanging. He shook his head to wake himself up, blinking eyes of a muddy green colour. His long, lank hair flopped about his face, so filthy that it was impossible to tell if the natural colour really was black or not.

    The boy levered himself up on his hands and knees and brushed dirt and food scraps off the tattered rags that barely passed as clothing. His skin was coated thickly in grime, although one could see just by looking at him that his natural skin colour was very dark indeed, almost completely black.

    William crawled out of the overturned garbage can in which he had been sleeping. The early morning sunlight blinded him, piercing his eyes like sharp pins. He shielded them with his arm and squinted until the world came into focus.

    William tilted his head slightly, noticing what had made the clanging sound that had woken him. He was crouching in a filthy alleyway behind a fast-food restaurant and a short teenage cook with a bad case of acne had just flung a bag of garbage into an enormous dumpster. The teen paused to give William a strange, searching look and, in response, he scuttled behind his garbage can to hide. He felt safer when he was out of sight.

    As soon as the man had gone inside again, William leaped to his feet and scrambled into the dumpster. He landed lightly, his bare feet sinking deeply into piles of garbage. With a moan of longing, he fell upon the new black bag and tore it open, his fingers digging into the plastic and shredding it easily. The stench of rotting food assailed his nostrils but he ignored it and began sifting through the bag’s contents, occasionally coming across a scrap of stale and greasy food and cramming it hungrily into his mouth.

    After he had eaten his fill, he crawled out of the dumpster again and dropped lightly to the ground. Now that hunger was not clouding his senses, he could take stock of his surroundings and decide where to go next. Ever since he had fled from the place he once called home, he had been frantically searching for a particular building. As of yet, however, he had had no luck with finding it.

    He slipped one hand into his pocket, his questing fingers pushing aside scraps of rotting food and dead insects before finally brushing against the edge of a filthy scrap of paper. His grip tightened and he drew it out. Unfolding it and spreading it on the ground, he found himself gazing down on a greasy, yellowed map which showed a bird's-eye view of the city; unfortunately, the top of the map had torn, which was the main reason he had not known that his goal was here in Veilstone City.

    William's finger traced a crayoned path scribbled over the map, its journey culminating with a scrawled circle around a particular warehouse. It must be close; he could practically taste it. He crammed the map back into his pocket, so eager to reach his goal that he could think of nothing else.

    He moved silently to the edge of the alleyway and peered around the corner, checking for danger. Fate must have intervened, because at that moment the crowds in the city parted slightly and allowed the boy a glimpse of one of the buildings along the street. His heart leaped into his throat; it was a plain office building, but it was the one he had been searching for.

    The building had no sign. It was three stories tall and built of grey brick in order to make to look inconspicuous. William stole toward it on silent feet, but his pounding heart was enough to give him away. He had searched almost all of Sinnoh and been on the run for months, but finally it would all be worthwhile.

    The building was unguarded; it was surprising, considering the precious cargo inside, yet William had been expecting it. If the occupants wished to remain inconspicuous, they would have to relinquish their right to a guard.

    It was a simple matter for William to sneak around to the back of the building without attracting too much attention. He found a sufficiently concealed window and pressed both palms flat against it, pausing to feel any vibrations caused by movement inside the room beyond. He felt nothing and braced his shoulders, leaning all of his weight against the glass.

    A delicate, fractured white line traced itself along the glass as, with a sharp crack, the window began to split from the pressure. The unpainted wooden frame was splintering and with a sudden crunch, the rotting wood gave way. The glass fell into the room beyond and shattered on the floor, exploding into a million fragments of frosted white.

    William clambered into the room, careful to avoid stepping on the broken glass as he touched the floor. He was standing in a filthy, bare basement, the stone walls dripping slime and the floor stained with the same substance. William’s eyes locked onto a staircase of identical stone and he proceeded toward it.

    Minutes later, a shout went up from the building and countless alarms began their shrill shrieking. Gripping his prize tightly to his chest, Will caught hold of the edge of the broken window and hoisted himself out, ignoring the splinters of glass digging deep into his skin. With the alarms ringing in his ears, he bent double over the stolen object and pounded down the street, glancing neither left nor right. His breath rasped in his throat but he felt only a savage triumph; he had escaped. The guards would be far too late to capture him.

    William glanced down at the object in his arms as he fled. His prize, one of the most valuable objects in the entire region, was a large egg the size of his head. Its hard, dark blue shell was patterned with splashes of midnight black.
    Last edited by Gardevoir Girl; 2nd July 2008 at 2:18 PM. Reason: Revised chapter
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

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    I like it, it really good, discription, speech, and the rest of it. Can't what to see what becomes of it.

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    Yay! Success! Someone liked it!

    Okay, if anyone has suggestions for Pokemon that they want to see playing a reasonably-major part, I'll take them all into account for future chapters. Actually, if anyone has any suggestions I'll consider them. So far, the list of Pokemon I'm considering adding in... consists of only a Meowth. Strange, since in all my time of playing the games I have not raised a single Meowth... until ten minutes ago, when I started. Also, I just finiahed Chapter One so it'll be coming soon. I think you'll either love or hate Marisa's starter...
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

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    I like it. description good.... charictors good..... grammer good......
    it all checks out!

    i give it a 7/10 for petential!

    for pokemon, it would be cool if a houndoom was in it. I love that puppy.

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    Had a look earlier, but as Destiny/Fate/Synonym () would have had it, Serebii Forums decided to go down again... happening more often now - must be the holiday season.

    Anyway, very nice work here - one of your 'longer' pieces of work - that was a decent length for a prologue, and IMO is better than your other works so far.

    The rest of the story is planned to be in first person? I'm disappointed - this third-person writing from you was truly excellent - maybe a bit more of that later on in the story couldn't hurt... as far as I know, not everyone goes by the 'post as you go' way, but personally I believe in it - a few advantages, and personally I'm not exactly one who believes in schedules when it comes to writing - it can take as long as it wants (within reas on ) to turn out good. Sometimes I take a month - maybe longer in the future.

    Enough about that - more about your writing. Very interesting indeed... hurrah for random ancient tablets! IMO, maybe another word than 'emnity' could be used (some people mightn't know what it means even...), but that's being nit-picky.
    The characters themselves seem very interesting, and as they are going to meet up some time or other, I'm interested to see how the react to each other, considering their differences...
    Do wonder what's William's intentions in stealing the egg really were... do somewhat question the manner in which you gave us the information on the building he was looking for - one paragraph he has been looking without success, the next he has found it - a bit too unlikley. More build up to that may help.

    Very interesting indeed. Can't point out much in dialogue (due to the lack of it), or stuff like that - although I might as well repeat that description was at a high quality here.

    Mistakes/Highlights/Other:
    The hand clawed again at the patched and faded blankets, finally clearing enough space for a head to emerge. The mass of frizzy, dark blonde hair made its owner resemble an angry albino Jigglypuff. Two sleepy chestnut eyes blinked from beneath this mop of hair, then screwed closed as the girl stifled a yawn.
    *whistles* Beau-ti-ful description there. You've improved immensely.

    … somewhere…
    Super nit-pick - maybe no space after the first ellipse, just for pure appearance...
    including soccer shoes
    ON NOES AMERICAN SPEELING OF THE BEAUTIFUL GAME THAT IS FOOTBALL NOT SOCCER!!!
    ... sorry about that...

    Minutes later, a shout went up from the building and countless alarms began their shrill shrieking. It was too late, however; as everyone’s attention was attracted to the plain, grey building, a ten-year-old, dark-skinned boy fled the scene. He was barefoot and looked ragged and he ran while hunched over, protecting the object in his arms. This stolen object, one of the most valuable objects in the entire region, was a large egg the size of his head. Its hard, dark blue shell was patterned with splashes of midnight black.
    Main thing to note - I quite enjoyed this style of writing, but after a while (particulally in the second part), it got a bit repeatative. And then it started to not really fit in - might have been put to better effect if you mixed up the style of writing at times (such as short/long sentences combinations, or something like that).

    The 'tension' that was meant to be there was slightly ruined by the constant similar sentence structure, nice as it was. For me, this paragraph could have been conveyed better in a different way. However I'm somewhat nit-picking here - it was still enjoyable - just look for not repeating the sentence structure too much in future chapters - which should be easier, knowing you and that you will go back to first-person.

    Overall, a very nice job - description was fantastic, and the prologue was a nice and enjoyable length - I hope chapters a longer however .
    As for Pokemon suggestions - I dunno, nothing in particular... what about Baltoy? Never saw that yet... as far as I can remember at the moment that is... and considering the Pokemon you have used in fic thus-far, another pyschic Poke to consider... other suggestions - maybe Qwilfish, or Spoink (had one in my fic...), or maybe a Lunatone/Solrock... although I really don't mind either way - was just throwing around some possibilities.

    KingT - Houndoom - I'm not sure, but maybe Knightblazer's (?) fics might have one...? Or was it a mightiyena? Never read it... yet

    ... I really have to get back to my stuff...

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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    Anyway, very nice work here - one of your 'longer' pieces of work - that was a decent length for a prologue, and IMO is better than your other works so far.
    Thank you, bobandbill! High praise from you! The first chapter is twice as long as the prologue; I hope that's a good length. It's the length yuo suggested for a chapter of Return To Destiny, which I unfortunately couldn't manage there.

    IMO, maybe another word than 'emnity' could be used (some people mightn't know what it means even...), but that's being nit-picky.
    I seem to be quite fond of that word, despite its meaning... what would yuo suggest? Maybe... animosity?

    Do wonder what's William's intentions in stealing the egg really were... do somewhat question the manner in which you gave us the information on the building he was looking for - one paragraph he has been looking without success, the next he has found it - a bit too unlikley. More build up to that may help.
    Intentions are in Chapter Two, which I started earlier. The building itself is quite boring, merely a storage place, but the owners of it are extremely important. And I'm planning to add in more of why he was looking and why he found it so fast later on.

    ON NOES AMERICAN SPEELING OF THE BEAUTIFUL GAME THAT IS FOOTBALL NOT SOCCER!!!
    Erm... sorry... I get a little confused... different parts of the world call it different things. I meant the game with the big black and white ball... the round one. I'm Australian, I don't know what you'd call it...
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
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    Thank you, bobandbill! High praise from you! The first chapter is twice as long as the prologue; I hope that's a good length. It's the length yuo suggested for a chapter of Return To Destiny, which I unfortunately couldn't manage there.
    Hurrah!

    I seem to be quite fond of that word, despite its meaning... what would yuo suggest? Maybe... animosity?
    Maybe, although for me it's not quite in line for an ancient tablet... nothing major. Maybe hostility, or hatred?
    Erm... sorry... I get a little confused... different parts of the world call it different things. I meant the game with the big black and white ball... the round one. I'm Australian, I don't know what you'd call it...
    Am Australian myself... Just a bit annoyed at the general way that Australians copy the American terms, such as the one for the sport (which is only used there and here, for some reason). The proper name for soccer is football, although many Australians and Americans may confuse it with other 'footballs' and then wonder why a girl would play it... many whom read it here...
    It is slowly being called football in Australia by the way (the new A-league tagline: It's Football, but not as you know it).
    Had been joking then BTW as well - nothing major

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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    I LOVE TO SUGGEST SOMETHING!
    Okay um lets see... no not that,... mabye, no... aha! LUDCICOLO, no just kidding, i think a Lunatone or Metatang(To Meagross) might work in somehow.

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    [My first review =O Forgive me if I'm...uhh...wrong with doing it]

    The Prologue was really good, I enjoyed reading it. I always like it when a chapter has two ideas that contradict each other. Description was exceptional (though I think you already know that =P ), and the ending was such a cliffhanger that I'm convinced that I'd stay and read Chapter 1. =)

    I can't compare it to your other fic mainly because I haven't read that yet. o_O

    As for Pokemon...hmm, I'd want a rebellious type of Pokemon for William, like a Houndour or something close to it. =)

    [End of First Review =O]


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    I LOVE TO SUGGEST SOMETHING!
    Okay um lets see... no not that,... mabye, no... aha! LUDCICOLO, no just kidding, i think a Lunatone or Metatang(To Meagross) might work in somehow.
    Not a Ludicolo? Okay, don't like it anyway. I'll try and work a Metang in somewhere. *Adds to suggestions list*

    [My first review =O Forgive me if I'm...uhh...wrong with doing it]
    Cool! I always like to see new reviewers as well as the old faces... um, avatars.

    Description was exceptional (though I think you already know that =P ), and the ending was such a cliffhanger that I'm convinced that I'd stay and read Chapter 1. =)
    Exceptional?! That's usually the opposite of what people say about my description! And thanks, I love to do cliffhangers but I rarely get the chance.

    I can't compare it to your other fic mainly because I haven't read that yet. o_O
    Well, I've written a variety of one-shots (say, maybe, six thousand) and two chapter stories, one finished, the other the sequel to it. I'm starting to hate the main character, Mark, so I decided to start this instead of write the third fic in that series as I planned.

    As for Pokemon...hmm, I'd want a rebellious type of Pokemon for William, like a Houndour or something close to it. =)
    I'm just taking suggestions for reasonably important parts, not particularly for the teams. If I decide I like a suggestion I might add it to one of the teams, though.
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

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    Before I start, I want to say I tried three times to edit the prologue. The first time it worked, but when I went back to fix the rest the screen went blank and for hours afterward, when I tried to log in I got redirected to the forum index. So I'm not trying any more. Okay, here's Chapter One. The beginning of Marisa's Pokemon journey... told from the point of view of her first Pokemon. Enjoy!

    Chapter One

    The Journey Begins

    Rarutos

    The first time I saw my new trainer was just after she released me for the first time. I felt some sort of soft fabric beneath my newly-forming, wide feet and sensed that I was in a large, enclosed space, most likely what the humans call a house.

    I lifted my head, tipping my lime-green, red-horned cap back so that it wasn’t in the way of my eyes. My garnet eyes locked onto a pair of bare feet and moved slowly up, taking in a pair of loose black shorts, an aqua T-shirt decorated with some sort of slogan, shoulder-length dark blonde hair and a grin stretching from ear to ear.

    I concealed a snort of derision. Surely this isn’t my new trainer? She doesn’t look capable of handling a goldfish, let alone a team of Pokemon.

    The girl seemed to have lost her voice. Then again, perhaps she hated me so much that she would release me immediately. I can hope, can’t I?

    “A Ralts!” the girl finally managed to choke out. Her eyes were glittering with delight and she spun around, throwing her arms around an older, almost identical human female who I guessed was her mother.

    Oh, please. What is this, Let’s-All-Be-Soppy Day? I can’t travel with this girl!

    Finally the girl let go of her mother and crouched down before me, the idiotic grin plastered over her features once again. “Hi, Ralts! My name is Marisa and I’m your new trainer!”

    Well, duh. You think I don’t know that? My IQ is probably higher than yours.

    “We’re going to be great friends!” Marisa continued cheerfully. “Now, I’d better give you a nickname. Let’s see…”

    A nickname! I felt repulsed by the very thought of having this human call me by any name other than my own. I took a chance and summoned my telepathy, projecting a word into her mind. She would never know where it came from and hopefully I would never again have to talk to her with my power. It was a waste of perfectly good mental energy. Then again, so was every thought that passed through her thick head.

    Marisa paused, a light of excitement coming into her eyes. “That’s a good name!” she exclaimed. “Okay, Ralts, I’m going to name you Rarutos.”

    At least I can stand her using my true name. She probably would have named me something stupid like Mushroom.

    I smothered the smug expression that had started to appear on my face. Hopefully Marisa would never figure out where the idea had come from.

    The older female turned to Marisa with a frown of confusion, a strange expression in her eyes. “Rarutos? Where did you think of that?”

    Marisa shrugged cheerfully. “Not a clue. It just came to mind and I thought it fit. Anyway, Raru, you should go back into your ball. We should get going.”

    Raru? Oh, travelling with her is definitely going to be torture. Arceus, what did I do to deserve this?

    The girl extended the fist clutching a red and white sphere. In a flash of clarity I realized what was going to happen and drew on my power once again, feeling the red horns on the front and back of my head begin to pulse with pure violet energy. In a flash of light I vanished, reappearing three feet away as a beam of crimson light from Marisa’s Poke Ball struck the carpet where I had stood.

    Marisa tried again with the same result, then flung the sphere at me in a fit of anger and an attempt to force me inside. I teleported easily out of the way once again and stood watching calmly as, in her anger, Marisa began to flush as crimson as the light.

    “I think you should leave it out,” Marisa’s mother advised. “Your father had a heck of a time trying to get it into the ball in the first place.”

    I flashed back on the day before. I had been minding my own business in the grass field that used to be my home. The ugliest human I had ever seen had barged in, trampled most of the plants and started ordering some dim-witted water rat Pokemon that he called Bibarel to attack me, then began flinging orbs at me while I was still trying to fend the thing off. So much for the peaceful life of a wild Pokemon.

    I shivered involuntarily, then realized with indignation that the woman had called me ‘it’. What did she think I was, an object? I focused on the abandoned sphere and telekinetic energy began to pulse around it. As the two humans watched, open-mouthed, I picked the thing up and flung it as hard as it could at the mother. Before she could dodge it, it smacked her in the face and dropped to the carpet with a thud, leaving an imprint on the human’s face.

    I couldn’t help a smug smirk. That’s what you get for treating me like an object.

    With a grumpy expression, the woman snatched up the orb and held it out, the white button aimed at me. Obviously she had changed her mind about leaving me out. Once again I teleported easily out of the way, but as I reappeared Marisa lunged at me in one quick motion. Before I knew it, her hands were wrapped around my entire body. I kicked and struggled ferociously, but I was small enough for her to wrap one hand easily around my slim waist.

    Big stupid oaf.

    Marisa lifted me to her reddened face. “We are going to be great friends,” she said through clenched teeth, practically trembling with rage. “Now, Rarutos, are you going to come with me peacefully or do I have to force you back into the ball?”

    I hated that sphere, but I wasn’t particularly too fond of Marisa either. In the end we decided to compromise; after retrieving a bulging mauve backpack from what was presumably her bedroom, Marisa somehow managed to cram my empty Poke Ball right down to the bottom. In return for that, I agreed reluctantly to travel with her for a while. I was far from home and she seemed quite proud of me; I had to hope she would be willing to protect me. If necessary, I could teleport to safety while the wild Pokemon were busy feasting on her.

    Marisa attempted to carry me at first, but I soon put a stop to that with an electric attack I had recently managed to learn from a discarded human item. As we left the house, Marisa was still smarting from the charge and her hair was sticking up wildly in every direction. Every time I looked at her I had to conceal a snort of laughter.

    Marisa unchained a white wooden gate as I gazed around at my surroundings. The city seemed enormous, but I was used to a quiet field with only the occasional minor conflict to break the monotony. Of course, with several Pokemon living in close proximity there were sure to be fights occasionally.

    This city… was something completely new to me. The buildings were gargantuan and the air smelled faintly of soot, but not of chemicals as a friend had once told me it would. The paths between the buildings were paved with something hard, black and rough; this must be a road, what human vehicles travel over.

    I turned back to Marisa, my curiosity getting the better of me. A clunking sound had been emanating from behind me and I now realized that she was struggling with the gate; it had shut behind her and she couldn’t get it open again. Eventually it yielded and Marisa emerged again, pushing a wheeled contraption.

    I felt another lurch of disgust. I don’t even want to think about what my friends would say if they saw me travelling with a human on that…

    The contraption seemed to be what the humans called a bicycle. The metal frame was painted bright red and the two black wheels were coated with a thick layer of dried mud and grime. The handlebars had once been covered in white rubber; it was now a dirty shade of grey. In front of and between these handlebars sat a woven wicker basket, fastened tightly and decorated with fake flowers.

    “Oi!” Marisa yelled to me. I winced; she was only six feet away. “Get in,” she continued, jabbing her finger at the basket. A fake chrysanthemum fell off the edge of the basket and fluttered limply to the ground.

    Get real.

    Marisa stared impatiently at me. “I don’t have as much patience as you think I do,” she warned. “Get in here or I’ll put you back in your ball.”

    Grudgingly I permitted the violet shimmer to surround me again, transferring my body instantly into the basket. As Marisa swung one leg over the bicycle and settled herself on the seat, I hunched down in the basket and hoped that no one would see me.

    “This is Hearthome City,” Marisa told me as we set off, wobbling unsteadily at first but straightening out after a while. She was probably going to make me travel-sick.

    “I've lived her all my life with my ma,” Marisa continued. We were moving more steadily now. “My pop went away to work and never came back, but he still sends us things. He sent you to me for my birthday. Today’s my tenth birthday! How old are you, Raru?”

    This girl talks way too much.

    I refused to answer and eventually she gave up. We continued in silence, wobbling occasionally, down the road to our future… and our fate.

    *~*~*

    I had drifted to sleep because of the constant motion, but a deafening shriek jerked me back to consciousness with such abruptness that I had to struggle to regain control of my teleportation ability. My heart was pounding furiously, pounding as though a Spoink was bouncing on my chest. Suddenly the bicycle skidded to a screeching halt and I was flung from the basket. Before I could react I had slammed into the muddy ground.

    Everything was a blur of flying mud and pain. Suddenly I found myself lying half-buried in the slop, my entire body coated thickly with it. Rain was beginning to fall and the cold leeched through my skin, chilling me to the bone.

    My entire body ached, but I braced myself and gingerly flexed my arms and legs to see if anything was broken. I appeared to be all right. I levered myself up onto all fours and staggered upright, wiping filth out of my stinging garnet eyes.

    I turned and my eyes locked onto Marisa, who had also tumbled off the falling bicycle. It was lying on its side and she was laboriously picking herself up, her clothes and skin as muddy as I was.

    “Darn,” she muttered to herself, surveying the mess. She hesitated, then flashed me a false, broad smile. Her teeth looked startlingly white in her filthy face. “Sorry, Raru. I think I nearly hit a wild Pokemon and I had to stop.”

    Easy for you to say. You did that on purpose to humiliate me.

    I glared darkly at her, watching her flinch at my hate-filled stare, then dragged one hand across my face to clear away some of the mud. I flicked the glop away and waited for Marisa to set her bicycle upright again. She was not interested in it, however; she had bent over to pick something up.

    The object was small, barely bigger than me, and it was coated thickly in filth, but I could make out four distinct limbs and a head. Marisa shook the object, splattering the slop all over both of us, then wrung it out to clear away even more. Finally it was clear; the object was a teddy bear, old and worn, its brown woollen body torn in places and one rounded ear missing.

    “I think a little kid might’ve dropped this,” Marisa said. Uninterested, I crossed my arms and allowed my gaze to drift away.

    I just want to get home.

    “We should take this to the nearest town,” Marisa mused. “Maybe whoever lost it will want to claim it.” She righted her bicycle, swung her leg over and settled herself astride the vehicle. “Come on, Raru. We’re near Solaceon Town; we can stop for a rest there.”

    I reluctantly allowed my telekinesis to envelop my body once again, transferring me into the basket. As soon as I had settled down Marisa carefully tucked the toy in beside me. I glared at it, then fixed her with a look filthier than all of the words in my mind put together.

    Marisa recoiled. “Sorry, but my bag is full. We’ll be able to drop it off as soon as we get to the town, all right?”

    As she once again began to pedal, I settled down in the basket with my back against the toy. Still the pregnant clouds above us groaned with the weight of their rain, pouring it down upon us first in sheets and then in torrents, drenching us both until our teeth chattered with cold and we could not feel our hands or feet. Marisa’s hair lay flat against her head and shoulders, her clothes clung to her slim body and rivulets of water ran down her face, but she had physical activity to keep her warm. As the rain drenched my slight form I began to shiver, feeling the chill soaking through my skin and numbing every inch of me.

    It was a good thing that I was crammed so tightly into the basket; soon I could not have gripped the edges even if I had to save myself. My muscles seized up but I felt no pain, only the tension. As the path opened out and houses sprang up on either side of it, Marisa squeezed the brakes and came to a gradual halt before a red-roofed building.

    I felt a feverish warmth blossoming throughout my entire trembling body. As much as I hated to speak to Marisa, I knew I had no choice. As she brushed a strand of drenched hair out of her eyes, I summoned the last of my energy and feebly projected my voice into Marisa’s mind.

    “Marisa… something is wrong… I don’t feel well.”

    Marisa turned concerned golden-brown eyes on me. The last thing I saw was the rain falling in a ring around her head, creating a sort of sparkling halo… then the blackness folded around me.

    *~*~*

    Hovering in the unbroken blackness, I attempted to cry out. Images flashed before me unceasingly, images of death and destruction, images so ominous that they shook me down to my very core with the fear of them. A bridge collapsing, sending hundreds of humans and Pokemon plunging to their deaths… a ship capsizing in a glacier-laden sea… liquid fire blossoming from a volcano and clouds of toxic ash spewing forth into the sky… an out-of-control aeroplane crashing down upon an oblivious school…

    The images kept coming and coming, flooding my mind and filling every inch of me with the emotional anguish until I writhed in agony. “No! Make it stop! I can’t take it…”

    The images paid me no heed, only flashing through my head with even more ferocity. Nameless, faceless humans and Pokemon perished in an instant, unaware that their lives had been wiped out, as a nuclear reactor exploded. Terrible screaming filled the air as enormous waves crashed down upon tropical islands, drowning homesteads, washing screaming babies out of their dead mothers’ arms, tearing apart couples who clung desperately to each other with their fading breaths and numb hands.

    ”No! Please stop!” My voice begged, sobbed, screamed without rest, although I was unaware that I was still making any sound. The images were engulfing me… no, the images
    were me. Maybe they had always been a part of me; maybe they had always been filling me up with their terror for every moment of my existence.

    Then, suddenly, it stopped. I floated in silence, drifting through my own mind, listening to my own fading heartbeat. As the pulsing thuds grew further and further apart, I began to feel more and more sluggish. As my eyes finally closed I heard the sound finally come to a halt. The silence rushed in, engulfing me completely, and I welcomed it. I welcomed the abrupt end to the torment that the images had brought, along with the enclosing silence. I didn’t care if I never saw anything again, as long as the pain never returned.


    -- -- --

    Phew... that took ages to retype. Okay, I've just started the next chapter but I've got it planned out.

        Spoiler:- Chapter Two:
    Last edited by Gardevoir Girl; 2nd July 2008 at 2:22 PM. Reason: Revised chapter
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  12. #12
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    Great chapter. I love how Rarutos thinks...he's so rebellious, not your everyday Ralts. Again, description was amazing, and your style's intriguing. It's obvious telepathy will play an important role in the plot, and supernatural stuff always attract me for some reason. =P

    I'm more interested in William's story for some reason, so I hope Chapter 2 will be cool. =)


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



    images were taken from three specific pages of Serebii.net

  13. #13
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    This seems to sum up something:
    I think you'll either love or hate Marisa's starter...
    Normally, I like Ralts, but in your fics, there seems to be a Ralt-family-line overload... upon saying that, he has a great personality - nice one there - and the psosibilities that can arise form this are intriguing.

    I'm glad to say that the POV's from the Pokemon 'it'self was also well done - done accuratey and realistically. Description again at an all time high - this stuff is really beyond what you have pulled off in previous stories - very enjoyable. Rather unique scene shift at the end there - rather... different change of scene, compared to what happened before in the story.

    Qualms - chestnut eyes - that was good the first time, but it was repeated twice again in this chapter, and was really a bit of overkill they IMO.
    Marisa - normally, I don't really approve of ten-year-olds going on Pokemon journeys, even if it is done in the games and the anime... and so far she doesn't seem exactly capable. Just a personal thng, but for me it is unrealistic. Wouldn't have minded more establishment over her going on a journey at such an age, or have her being older... seems a bit out of place really.
    Sentence structure - much improved upon in this chapter
    Length - a good length this time - even longer could be better, but I was well satisfied by this length.

    Overall, very nice - can't really spot any mistakes, and there was quite a lot that was good there. It is looking very promising so far. And your description has really shone here.
    Don't update too soon as well - take the time, give the rest some time, and new people more time as well. The more time you spend on it, the better the chapter.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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  14. #14
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    I'm surprised by this a little... I think I should point out that Rarutos is female. Although I guess I couldn't expect you to know that since I didn't mention it in this chapter.

    Normally, I like Ralts, but in your fics, there seems to be a Ralt-family-line overload... upon saying that, he has a great personality - nice one there - and the psosibilities that can arise form this are intriguing.
    Well, I guess I do overuse them... but I just love them! It wouldn't really be my fic without a Ralts, would it? Especially since I've already done the banner, cr*ppy as it is. And I spent some careful time planning Raru's personality. And don't worry; it's not going to be like Ash and Pikachu, trainer saves Pokemon and Pokemon is suddenly trainer's best friend. Rarutos is naturally mistrustful of humans.

    Qualms - chestnut eyes - that was good the first time, but it was repeated twice again in this chapter, and was really a bit of overkill they IMO.
    Oops... I missed that. If the computer doesn't send me to the index again I'll change it.

    Marisa - normally, I don't really approve of ten-year-olds going on Pokemon journeys, even if it is done in the games and the anime... and so far she doesn't seem exactly capable. Just a personal thng, but for me it is unrealistic. Wouldn't have minded more establishment over her going on a journey at such an age, or have her being older... seems a bit out of place really.
    This is one part of canon that I adhere strictly to. I know other people think fourteen or sixteen is a better age, but I just like the idea of ten-year-olds leaving home. I mean, they've got Pokemon to protect them. Although Rarutos doesn't seem like the protective type. Marisa is a little unintelligent and incapable, but I can't really change her age since the prologue won't let me do anything. There's a reason which I'll work in somewhere.

    By the way, I've written everyone's suggestions into my notebook and added two new Pokemon each to Marisa's and Will's future teams.
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  15. #15
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    Forgot, i'm ading a link to this page at my clup with the rest of your stories. You have alotta of stories, but all good, and i love chapter one!

  16. #16
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    Finally finished Chapter Two at half past eleven last night, during temperatures of forty degrees Celcius (don't even ask me what that is in Fahrenheit, I neither know nor care). Proudly introducing the thrice-revised version of Chapter Two, told from the point of view of the Riolu with the very unusual name I spent a week coming up with!

    Chapter Two

    Unwanted… Or Wanted?

    Aurikara

    Chapter Two

    Unwanted… Or Wanted?

    Aurikara

    As the early morning sunlight brought a shine to my dark fur, I gradually began to become aware of my surroundings, dragging myself up from the pool of darkness I had hovered in as I slept. I was curled up in the grass outside; this was the same environment I had woken in every day since my recent hatching. I sighed contentedly, huddling deeper into my bed of flowers and grass. The sun warmed my back and a light breeze played through my fur; all of it was comforting, but I strove to wake up.

    My entire body shuddered with a wracking yawn as I struggled wearily back to consciousness. The first thing that swam into my vision was an enormous face peering into mine; the same face that had looked down on me as I fought my way out of my egg a few days earlier. The boy’s face – he had told me he was a boy – was covered with filth, but I didn’t care about that. After all, he was my –

    Master!” I exclaimed in delight, leaping into Will’s arms. My tongue left slimy trails on his cheek but I quickly abandoned this display of affection. He tasted terrible.

    “Yuck!” Will cried in disgust, wiping his face with one torn, filthy sleeve and smearing mud over his cheek. I leaped back and rose up on my hind legs, swaying unsteadily until I got used to it. Will swatted at his face in a desperate attempt to rid it of my saliva. “Aura, that’s disgusting!”

    I hung my head, abashed. My long, blue-furred tail trailed on the ground, collecting more dirt than it already had. My blue and black fur was already greasy and it was hard to see the natural colour through the accumulated dirt. My blue forepaws looked the same colour as my black hind legs. I was careful to keep my small, pointed ears clear, though; I wanted to hear everything that happened around me.

    My pleading ruby eyes fixed on Will and he gave a faint smile. “All right, I guess you’re sort of cute,” he admitted grudgingly.

    With a squeak of happiness, I leaped into his arms again and clambered all over him, sticking my foot in his ear, poking him in the eye with my tail, biting his nose playfully with my tiny fangs. He grabbed me and pretended to wrestle with me, laughing the whole time.

    A sudden blast of wind blew past us and Will, startled by a flurry of leaves that collided with his back, pushed a little too hard. I lost my grip and crashed into the ground a short distance away, one arm twisted beneath me.

    RIII!!!

    Will hurried to my side as I set up a deafening wail. He scooped me out of the mud and cradled me to his chest in an effort to calm me, but all I felt was the throbbing pain in my arm. I continued screaming until he clapped a hand over my mouth, his instincts for concealment taking over. I felt his heart pounding rapidly as he gripped me so tightly that I could barely move, only loosening his grip when I finally quit struggling.

    Will released me and I slid onto his lap, exhausted. Too tired to play, I curled up in a ball and summoned the limited telepathy that was my birthright. He had been teaching me words and I used them often so I wouldn’t forget how.

    “Master, what am I?”

    “Don’t call me that,” Will chided. He leaned back against a tree and allowed the faint breeze to blow through his hair. I started to think that he was never going to answer.

    “You’re a Riolu,” he said eventually. “You’re a boy and your name is Aurikara, or Aura. You’re four days old and you’re my partner, my best friend, my first Pokemon. That’s who you are.”

    “Aura,” I repeated, trying out the name. It was difficult to say, but I liked the sound of it. “Aura. Aura. And Will. Will and Aura.”

    A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth and he rumpled my fur affectionately. “Yeah, Will and Aura. We’ll be known throughout the land - no, the world - as the toughest team anywhere. People will battle us but they won’t stand a chance, especially after you evolve.”

    “Evolve?”

    “Yeah, it’s when you… you know, change form. You get bigger and stronger and stuff. You’ll be a Lucario when you evolve. Lucario is really strong; it can sense and control aura properly instead of just seeing it, like you do.”

    “But… I’m Aura. I can see me?”

    A laugh burst from Will’s throat. “No, your name is Aura because your species has a lot to do with sensing and controlling aura. It’s like the life force of all creatures.”

    “Oh. Aura.” I paused, considering what he had just said. “Will you evolve?”

    “No, I’m not a Pokemon. I’m a human. Only Pokemon evolve. You’ll evolve when you’re older, when we get to be good friends and you trust me a lot more.”

    “I want to evolve.” I settled down with my head on my forepaws, my tail curled around my body. Only moments later I uncurled myself and straightened up, my stomach beginning to rumble loudly. “Hungry…”

    Before I could begin to cry again, Will’s hand was tight around my mouth. “Quiet,” he ordered. “If you’re hungry we’ll have to go into the city again. I don’t know what’s good to eat out here.”

    “Hungry…” I whimpered.

    Will hesitated, then slipped one hand into his pocket and withdrew a shard of glass. I instantly forgot my hunger, entranced by the glimmer of sunlight reflecting off the perfectly smooth surface. Will gripped the shard tightly, brought it to the forearm of the arm holding me and pressed it hard against his skin. Blood blossomed from the place where the edge touched as he dragged it slowly, slicing a deep line in his arm.

    I watched in fascination as cherry-red liquid trickled from the wound, spilling down Will’s forearm in torrents. He removed the glass. “Go on, drink,” he told me.

    I hesitated, staring at the crimson streams uncertainly. Surely he doesn’t mean for me to drink his blood?

    Apparently he did; he once again offered his now-drenched forearm toward me. At the strong, cloying smell of the blood, my stomach growled once again. I couldn’t ignore the hunger; I didn’t have enough experience with life. I hesitantly placed my paws on his arm and licked at the wound, which was quickly healing over.

    The blood had a rather bitter, salty taste, but it was warm and nourishing. Soon I was drinking greedily, sinking my teeth into his arm for more when the flow lessened too much. Will eventually stopped me and I released his arm, letting him squeeze the edges of the wound together until the blood flow stopped. I felt glad that he had stopped me; if he had let me, I would probably have kept drinking until I burst and he fainted.

    “Now, we need to go into the city,” he told me. “Soon we’ll be leaving to make our own way through Sinnoh. We need to get supplies so we’ll look just like any other trainer and Pokemon team. Promise me you won’t draw attention to us.”

    I nodded solemnly, then spoiled the effect with a loud belch.

    *~*~*

    I huddled into Will’s warm chest and let the rocking motion of his walk soothe me. He had insisted that I stay hidden under his shirt until he had gotten everything we would need. I didn’t see the point, but it was a good excuse to sleep.

    Before long, however, I started to feel bored. Forgetting what Will had told me, I gripped the inside of his shirt and climbed up toward his head, using the rips in the material as footholds and feeling them tear even further under my weight. His hands pressed firmly into my back, trying to hold me down, but I squirmed out of his grip and stuck my head out into the light.

    The breeze ruffled my fur as I gazed around alertly, ignoring the fact that Will was attempting to wrestle me out of sight again. I wrapped one grimy paw around a handful of his hair and crawled out onto his shoulder.

    Will gave up trying to hide me; I had already attracted a fair amount of attention. “Don’t fall off,” he muttered to me instead.

    I settled myself astride his shoulder and clung to his head, my tail resting against his chest. My ears flicked in every direction and I watched everything with an interest that betrayed my youth. A few humans of the opposite gender to Will (and wearing, between them, less than he was) glanced at us cautiously, but they looked away in contempt when I did my best imitation of a threatening growl. It came out sounding like someone was strangling a chicken.

    Will was moving casually toward a small shop with filthy, graffiti-covered brick walls and windows full of colourful notices. My gaze was drawn to the brightly-coloured papers in the windows, all of them covered with writing I couldn’t read, each notice jostling the others for its own space to let its message be known.

    A face sprang out at me from the pictures and I paused, not believing what I was seeing. I tugged at Will’s ear to attract his attention and pointed, keeping my grip on his head with my free arm. “Will! You!”

    The picture was printed on plain white paper, pasted over the top of several more colourful things. It was in black and white, simply showing a side-on and front-on view of Will’s head. Above the pictures were several letters I could not understand and beneath it were a lot more, along with several numbers.

    I felt Will’s entire body grow tense beneath me. “Don’t draw attention to us,” he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. “This is worse than I thought.”

    He quickened his pace. I kept gazing at the picture, entranced by it, but I lost sight of it as Will entered the shop. Immediately blackness folded around us and I blinked hard, trying to adjust to the sudden darkness. I gripped his ear tightly and turned my head from side to side rapidly, trying to make out my surroundings. I took a deep breath and smelt fresh fruit, vegetables, bread and other nameless aromas all crowding in on me. Instantly my fear was replaced with delight and I completely forgot the poster.

    Wherever we are, I hope we can stay here forever!

    I gulped greedily at the air as though the scent itself would nourish me. Will couldn’t help a smile. “A man’s head and heart are ruled by his stomach,” he murmured. I was too busy simply inhaling to care about or understand what he had just said.

    Will casually reached out and lifted a rough cloth bag from its hook, then began to browse the shelves. I watched with interest as he piled food into the bag, but I didn’t understand why he wasn’t just eating it. I scrambled down his arm and into the bag; before he could stop me, I had sunk my teeth into something large and cylindrical.

    OWOWOWOW!!!

    RIII!!!

    I dropped the offending object immediately and it clattered to the floor. The bite marks in its aluminum side were obvious and the label was stained with my blood. I clutched my jaw and moaned in agony as Will attempted to quieten me. Behind the nearby counter, the young dark-haired shopkeeper was watching us suspiciously.

    “Calm down,” Will hissed between his teeth. I would not be consoled; my teeth felt like they had been forced back deep into my gums. I felt warm blood gushing over my tongue and allowed it to leak steadily onto the cloth bag. The pain was too much; I could no longer even scream. I clung to Will’s hand and emitted a low, piteous moan of distress.

    Sweat had broken out on Will’s forehead and he was pretending to stare at me, but I could see that he was watching the shopkeeper intently out of the corner of his eye. The shopkeeper was consulting a piece of paper and, after uttering a sharp swearword, picked up a grime-encrusted telephone and quickly pressed a few of the buttons.

    Will began to move faster, scooping things at random into the bag and nearly crushing me beneath them. I crawled to one side to be safe from the falling objects. The man had begun to speak quietly into the telephone receiver.

    “I need the police. I’ve found that boy - the one on the wanted posters in all the shop windows. He’s in my shop right now.”

    Before the man could say anything else, Will broke into a run. He was out of the shop in an instant and into the sunlight, clutching the bag and pelting down the street as fast as he could. The sunlight struck my eyes, blinding after the dim darkness of the shop. Will shielded his eyes with one hand but did not slow down.

    The cans and boxes shifted beneath me in the bag and I gripped Will’s hand tightly, terrified of the thought that he might drop me. I chanced a look behind him and spotted two men in pursuit of us, both of them dressed in plain blue outfits and shiny, black shoes. One of them barked a harsh command and a huge, skeletal-looking, canine creature raced past them. Muscles rippled beneath its silky black fur as it ran, its long, arrow-tipped tail whipping through the air behind it. Its dull ruby eyes were fixed firmly on us and its jaws were open, dripping slaver from its orange-furred muzzle.

    I froze, my eyes slowly growing wider and wider in fear as I watched the Houndoom. It moved with an easy, loping pace and I could see that it would catch us before we could even leave the city. I knew what I had to do.

    I tightened my grip momentarily on Will’s hand, then in one quick motion launched myself out of the bag. I landed in a crouch, ready to fight the creature. It came to a skidding halt, its clawed paws splaying on the brick path.

    The two policemen came to a halt behind their Pokemon and Will stopped running so abruptly that he nearly lost his balance. “Aura, what are you doing?” he demanded in a hoarse whisper. “It’ll kill you!”

    I met his gaze. “Aura,” I said meaningfully.

    Taking advantage of my distraction, the dog dived at me with a sharp growl. Before I could react it had caught me up in its jaws. I squealed in pain, but the killing fangs only dug in deeper. I felt my bones crack and my own blood trickled through my fur as the beast began to shake its head ferociously.

    The deadly fangs tore my flesh, but I felt none of my childish desire to scream and hope that Will would make it all better. Instead, a more mature instinct was taking over. I twisted around and worked one arm free from Houndoom’s grip, then summoned all of my strength into my fist and directed a powerful punch at the canine’s snout.

    With a howl of pain, the creature released me. I fell limply to the ground and struggled to gather enough energy to rise. Before I could, however, two hands closed around my waist and I was lifted gently into Will’s arms. As he turned away I caught a brief glimpse of the Houndoom stumbling, dazed and disoriented by the blow.

    Will caught up his bag of supplies as he fled. I saw a brief glimpse of one of the policemen beginning to chase us, before the other caught his arm to stop him. Will didn’t slow down and soon we had left the surrounding buildings far behind.

    Will sank down on the grass and gently placed me beside him to examine my wounds. His fingers felt through my dirty fur, pinching together the edges of each rip in my skin. “Why on earth did you do that?” he asked softly, stroking my blood-drenched fur.

    My vision was swimming, but I gathered my strength and projected my name into his mind. When he still looked puzzled I pointed first to my own black-furred chest, then to Will’s hand. “Dark?” he guessed, trying to make sense of my miming.

    I nodded feebly.

    Fear and shock dawned in Will’s eyes as he realized what I was trying to say. “You mean… the Houndoom had a dark aura?”

    Once again I forced enough strength into my neck to nod. “Dark aura. Bad aura.”

    -- -- --

    I hope that was good. I want to enlighten a few of you on something this chapter:

        Spoiler:- Strange Houndoom:


    And next chapter:

        Spoiler:- Chapter Three:
    Last edited by Gardevoir Girl; 3rd July 2008 at 4:10 AM. Reason: Revised chapter
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  17. #17
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    Very nice character interaction there. Overall, it was a good chapter. I liked the POV's that you are pulling out very nicely in this story.

    Description was good when it was employed, although slighty less better than the first two chapters (then it was really good). You protrayed the Riu very accurately there as well - just how'd I'm imagine a baby Pokemon to behave like. I can certainly understand how the whole fate thing works int he story as well - certainly seems like a fated encounter between Will and Riu.
    Other stuff:
    “Hungry…” I whimpered.
    Hey, it's an accurate representation of me!
    A few scantily-clad teenage girls glanced at us cautiously
    Hmm, Riu already has an idea on how much clothing would qualify to be 'scantily clad', despite being a Pokemon? Seems a bit too smart to recongize such a fact - maybe reword it to make it more likely that Riu would notice such a thing (such as 'some girls of the opposite sex of master, wearing the same amount of clothes that Will wore between themselves', or something like that).
    its jaws were open, dripping slaver from its orange-furred muzzle.
    Ohh, slaver. Personally would have used saliva, or drool, but then it's the same thing - nice unusual word choice.

    For those of you who have played Pokemon Colosseum or XD: Gale Of Darkness and recognized a strange decription of Houndoom by the little Riolu... yes, it is a Shadow Pokemon.
    HURRAH! Another Shadow Pokemon fic! Suspected it was so before I read that however - easy for one who writes a fic based on Colosseum, I guess.
    And no, there is no boring Snagging and the like in this fic. Won't it be interesting to see how this plays out?
    Ohh, even more intriguing. Although I wouldn't call snagging boring - in fact, it's one of the concepts that made me like Colosseum and XD. And it's enjoyable to read about in, say, The Great Butler's fic, for instance (and mine as well ) I'll let you off this once, however...
    Interested to see how you go about it. However, when is this fic set? After Colo and/or XD? And Shadow Pokemon in Sinnoh... you have sealed my interest.

    Am slightly questioning Riu's blinding trust of his 'master' thus far however - surely Aura would have at least acted a bit confused or distrustful...

    Overall, a nice chapter - throughly injoyed Aura's (again we see that name... )POV, (although at times a slightly too-educated one), the fact that Will cut himself to feed Riu with his blood, and the description of Houndoom, but the real winner for me by far was the strong hint that Houndoom was a Shadow Pokemon, followed by the confirmation of that.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

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  18. #18
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    I definitely liked this chapter more than the previous one, since I generally like Aura better than Raru. I also like the concept that shadow Pokemon were indirectly introduced. Though I haven't played Col or XD, Shadow Pokemon do fascinate me.

    Again, great chapter. It's a little bit too ominous for my taste, but I still really enjoyed it. Can't wait for the next chap!


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



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  19. #19
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    AWWWW! and ewwww, this chapter was cute and adorable along but it had its dark side too. I think the blood part was to much for me... But i understand why will did it. Over all, really good! You remind me of Po, he writes about how under all this happy stuff there is a lota dark stuff going on.

  20. #20
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    Sorry, I slept late... very late...

    Hmm, Riu already has an idea on how much clothing would qualify to be 'scantily clad', despite being a Pokemon? Seems a bit too smart to recongize such a fact - maybe reword it to make it more likely that Riu would notice such a thing (such as 'some girls of the opposite sex of master, wearing the same amount of clothes that Will wore between themselves', or something like that).
    Good point; I'll fix that up.

    Ohh, even more intriguing. Although I wouldn't call snagging boring - in fact, it's one of the concepts that made me like Colosseum and XD.
    I thought I'd get some complaints about that. You misunderstood me. I don't think Snagging itself is boring; just the way I write about it is boring. I have trouble describing captures of any sort, but I'll have to try my best for this fic.

    Am slightly questioning Riu's blinding trust of his 'master' thus far however - surely Aura would have at least acted a bit confused or distrustful...
    I know that in the games baby Pokemon are mistrustful at first, but after watching movie nine I decided to portray them differently. Normally babies trust everyone straight away because of their innocence and lack of experience and, although Aura isn't exactly like that, he trusts Will because he has known no other life than under Will's protection. He'll grow more mistrustful as the story progresses and at one point he may even stop trusting Will completely... not to give anything away, but...

    Again, great chapter. It's a little bit too ominous for my taste, but I still really enjoyed it.
    My writing method is generally very dark. At the beginning I did warn of dark themes... including the Shadows, of whom there will be few, and a few other events and occurences.
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

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    Well, I decided to check out your story as I have a bit of time off at the moment, and don't have any homework that needs immediate doing. I have to say I was impressed. I only really read the prologue, but I slightly, very quickly, skimmed the next two chapters just to get an idea of who the characters were. Why I did that will be quite obvious later.

    Anyway, I thought the whole waking to the alarm clock thing was going to lead for Marisa to get a starter in the prologue. She might still, as from my skimming, she gets a Ralts as a starter? Eh...I'll read more later. But anyway, I was rather glad the prologue actually contained stuff other than that. Marisa seems to be slowly but surely fleshing out nicely, and I actually quite liked the scene when she started to search for her backpack and did a bit of pretending. It's something a girl her age would do. And I am curious as to why all her clothes are pretty much a couple years too small for her.

    It had fitted perfectly when she was eight.
    It had fit.

    Also, I dunno if it's just a common thing you read or whatever, but unless that alarm clock was one of those really crappy ones that was somehow made of glass entirely, I don't really see it shattering. I've knocked over electronic alarm clocks before, and they were a tad bit more hardy. Wouldn't be surprised if it had knocked something loose though, or, perhaps, crackled the screen or something if it hit just right. That's a minor nitpick t hough.

    Now, the next part with Will was by far more exciting, and I liked reading about his character - why did he run away, why did he steal the (I'm guessing Riolu from my readings) egg, and how did he know it was there.. and why was such a rare(?) egg doing in such an [seemingly] old building? I like the his name, BtW. I was always partial to Will.

    Ever since running away, he had searched frantically for a particular building but had had no luck with finding it.
    I would phrase this sentence a bit differently. Perhaps "Ever since he had run away, he had been searching frantically for a certain building that was supposed to be in this area. As of yet, however, Will had had no luck in finding it."

    Of course, that's just my example. But I do think "He had been searching" would make it sound a bit smoother either way.

    The building had no sign; it was three stories tall, built of grey brick, made to look inconspicuous.
    Not sure if there should be a semi-colon there. I think a period would suffice. And I don't think there should be a comma after brick unless you wanted to put an and there to make it part of the series of describers. Or did they design it with grey brick to make it look inconspicuous? That would depend on how you would change it.

    "It was three stories tall, built of grey brick, and made to look inconspicuous."

    "It was three stories tall, built of grey brick in order to make it look inconspicuous."

    It was too late, however; as everyone’s attention was attracted to the plain, grey building, a ten-year-old, dark-skinned boy fled the scene.
    The sentence there was a bit confusing. I got it, but yet I didn't. I think you could rephrase. o.0

    It was too late, however; as everyone's attentions was attracted to the plain grey building - and then you segue into Will escaping, and it kinda sounds like you're not ending the first sentence and starting an entire new one. Plus the sentence before it made the paragraph sound like it would be more about the alarms noticing him than the people, if you know what I mean.

    Also, in that scene, you seemed to back up to a less personal point of view. Up to that point, it had been entirely focused on Will, then after he got in and grabbed his prize, you seemed to push his point of view out entirely and made it seem he wasn't the POV of the last paragraph.

    This makes it so: was attracted to the plain, grey building, a ten-year-old, dark-skinned boy fled the scene.

    Nothing wrong with that at all, but I would suggest doing a scene break right after the paragraph that comes before this one, then doing your said paragraph with perhaps a few edits. Otherwise, I'd do something like making Will here the alarms, and dashing out of the window with the egg clutched in his hand. Perhaps with him thinking that he had escaped, and the people inside and around the building were far too late to catch him.

    For example, if you wanted to do it in the non-Will perspective:

    Perhaps:

    *

    Veilstone City. It was a town known for its constant vigilance and no-nonsense way of dealing with crime. Because of that, robberies and the like were few and far inbetween. However, on June 6th, at exactly 8:30 AM, the Jessie Knight building was robbed.

    Everyone present at and around the scene at the time of the robbery liked to say they heard the loud, wailing alarms and rushed to the building immediately to assist in the capture of whoever had made the alarms go off. The alarms' warning cries came minutes too late, however, as the culprit had already fled the building. Those who had claimed to see the one who had broken the building had reported to the police hours later that the suspect--a small boy--had been completely barefoot and looked absolutely ragged as he ran. He had been holding something -- an egg, they say. An egg with a dark blue shell that was patterned about with splashes of midnight black.
    Do you see the difference? I took liberty with the name of the building and such, so those aren't true. XD You could definitely write it better than me, I was just hoping to portray the difference in POV that you seemed to change to. Not that it was wrong in any means - I loved it. It was just jarring without some sort of signal.

    But great job, you captured my interest and I very much liked this story, so I hope you're not getting vibes that I'm not. Or, if you don't like double negatives, "No matter how my review may sound, I really do like this story."

    Anyway, I thought you might like a banner for your fic, so I made one You are free to use it or not. You can find it Here
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 13th January 2008 at 2:01 AM.

  22. #22
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    AAAHHHH!!! SAFFIRE PERSIAN!!!

    *Dances wildly around bedroom in excitement and starts hyperventilating*

    Umm, sorry.

    Until now I couldn't edit the prologue, but I finally managed. I've done my best with it from your suggestions and everyone else's. It's not perfect, but it's as close to as I can get.

    And I am curious as to why all her clothes are pretty much a couple years too small for her.
    Well, actually, that bit reflects me a little... I'm sixteen and I wear size eight jeans. The only difference is that Marisa is built a bit more solidly than my stick-figure frame so her clothes don't fit as well.

    Also, I dunno if it's just a common thing you read or whatever, but unless that alarm clock was one of those really crappy ones that was somehow made of glass entirely, I don't really see it shattering.
    Based on the alarm clock in my bathroom (don't ask why it's there); it's a gaudy pink colour, made of very flimsy plastic and held together with tape. I dropped it a year ago.

    I like the his name, BtW. I was always partial to Will.
    I named the characters after important people in my life; Marisa was a friend a few years ago and is now a penpal, and Will was my first crush.

    And I don't think there should be a comma after brick unless you wanted to put an and there to make it part of the series of describers. Or did they design it with grey brick to make it look inconspicuous?
    Actually, both of the previous (three stories tall, built of grey brick) contribute to its being inconspicuous, since just about everything in Veilstone City - well, in my image of Veilstone City - is three stories tall and built of grey brick.

    But great job, you captured my interest and I very much liked this story, so I hope you're not getting vibes that I'm not. Or, if you don't like double negatives, "No matter how my review may sound, I really do like this story."
    No probs, I love getting critical reviews. If I got a lot of reviewers who didn't say much, that's when I'd start to worry.
    Last edited by Gardevoir Girl; 13th January 2008 at 2:21 PM. Reason: Managed to edit prologue!
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  23. #23
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    i eny you, you got, no i can;t say that name, to good for me, claps for you, alota claps! I can't wait till she cathces her first Pokemon, it will be, interesting how it plays out.

  24. #24
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    Since you posted, I may as well say that I just finished the chapter. And it stinks... in a good way. Hehehe...

    If there aren't any problems with the site I should have it posted in a few days, four at the most. I still have to retype it. And guys, what do you think of the edited prologue? I fixed some of the mistakes Saffire Persian (yay!) and other people pointed out and finally managed to post it without the computer doing strange things.
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  25. #25
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    Ohhh, awesome! This is an awesome fanfic! I particularly liked these touches:

    "Her hand finally fell on a pair of ballet slippers. .....she couldn't ever remember taking ballet."

    "My pleading ruby eyes fixed on Will and he gave a faint smile. “All right, I guess you’re sort of cute,” he admitted grudgingly.

    With a squeak of happiness, I leaped into his arms again and clambered all over him, sticking my foot in his ear, poking him in the eye with my tail, biting his nose playfully with my tiny fangs. He grabbed me and pretended to wrestle with me, laughing the whole time."

    Awww, so cute.....:') It's amazing just how cute Riolu can be sometimes, ain't it? Surprising that there aren't that many Riolu fans out there. O_O

    Continue! ...I daaaaare you! xDDDD


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

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