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Thread: Trek of the Twins: Johto Awaits

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    Default Trek of the Twins: Johto Awaits

    Trek of the Twins:
    Johto Awaits


    Rated PG-13 for mild language and future violence.

    ~Disclaimer~
    I own neither Pokémon nor the concept. This is purely for fun, and hopefully the enjoyment of a few future readers, albeit less likely for the latter. The characters presented are of my imaginative mishaps... even though they are Pokémon as well. Hopefully that makes sense.

    The Current PM Updates List:

    Bobandbill
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    If you wish to be added or removed, simply let me know.


    CHAPTER ONE: A Day at the Beach

    The deep, luxurious blue of the summertime Johto skies spread itself languidly from horizon to horizon, marred by naught but a single light, wispy skirt of condensed vapor, hung up amidst the great cobalt expanse as though forgotten by the rest of its kind. Beneath this inverted sea was its mirror image, the true ocean, if nothing but a deeper, richer hue even as it threw itself up against the grand shoreline southwest of Olivine City, playfully licking at the golden sands that lay at the foot of the land. It was a rare day – so perfectly marvelous that no one could bear to waste time working indoors; shopkeepers throughout the city had either moved their business out onto sprawling verandas or closed up for the day, having decided that a slight monetary loss was nothing compared to the forfeiture of such a grand day at a Port City.

    Those who lived in Olivine had followed the trend, most families making their way slowly towards the beach, where they would partake of the many delicious hot-dog and frigid snow-cone vendors that dotted the dunes in droves, devouring such an opportunity that the weather presented. As children frolicked in the surf, shouting their jubilance in cadence along with a flock of lazy Wingulls, hovering in on the sea-bound thermals, parents, grandparents, and the odd teen sprawled themselves out upon enormous beach towels for a luxurious, endless sunbath, oblivious to the raucous capers of their young ones.

    Humans weren’t the only ones to enjoy such a grand day, however; the odd Pokémon could be seen every now and again along the beach, though usually it would have been very near someone – likely its devoted, hard-working trainer, determinedly pursuing the Johto League Gym Badges… even though a day at the beach didn’t offer much to such a goal. However, this wasn’t the case for every Pokémon around.

    « Yo, Mentali! » Cried the exuberant, tenor voice of a young Umbreon as he darted out from behind a Hot Dog stand. His small, fox-like jaws were locked triumphantly around a well-seasoned sausage, which was in turn attached to a long, sizzling string of similarly heavenly meat. Despite the fact that his mouth was stuffed, his voice rang out loud and clear – a sound that no human could perceive, formed somewhere in the complex convolutions of the small Eeveelution’s brain – and full of that rich, hearty sound granted only by a devilish success. The midnight-black Pokémon would have been one with the shadow cast by a large, red-and-white umbrella shading the Hot Dog stand, if it weren’t for the dimly pulsating rings of soft, dusty blue that stood out against his sleek fur. The Umbreon’s ears twitched in mild annoyance when he realized that his twin brother was nowhere to be found…

    « Aww, where’d ya go? » He whined in a long, warbling drawl, trotting out from the safety of the shadow with the sausages trailing behind him in the sand. As soon as his form emerged into the sunlight, he was rendered momentarily blind by the power of the blazing noontide sun, beating down upon him from the sky and bouncing back up into his eyes off of the sand as well. Narrowing his large, almond-like orbits in consternation, he scanned the dunes for a moment, determined to find that accursed twin of his… but before he could locate the shimmering, silvery-lavender fur that would give away the Espeon’s location, there was a raucous clatter and a gruff, human-like shout from the Hot Dog stand. The Umbreon turned around sharply, just in time to make out the hundreds of stiff straw bristles at the end of a very sturdy wooden broomstick that connected with his rump an instant later, the force of the blow literally sweeping him off of his hind legs so that he cut a dainty little front-flip on the spot.

    “Get outta here, you little thief!” The scruffy wielder of the stinging broom shouted hoarsely, raising the commoner’s weapon above his head once more. The little Umbreon’s eyes widened briefly and he turned on his heels, kicking up a soft spray of sparkling sand as he fled the angered vendor. Luckily, he’d gotten away with the sausage, which was surely worth the stinging rump – and the throbbing pride. The rich, spicy flavor was enough to make the young Dark-type wish that he were a human, if only so that he could obtain more food like it without such bothersome chagrin.

    After securely placing several good meters of distance between himself and the angry vendor, the roguish ivory-furred Pokémon slowed his frantic gallop to a more relaxed trot. At the crest of a sparkling golden dune, he paused to catch his breath, throwing a sideways glance back at the row of vendors from which he’d obtained today’s lunch. The little beast fought the compulsory urge to drop the sausage long enough to stick his little pink tongue out in a display of his maturity, but he knew that keeping up with food was Serious Business, especially if one were a wild Pokémon.

    The reasons for such caution were numerous… but one presented itself rather abruptly as the Umbreon turned back around to scan the shore for his brother, only to find that the other end of his chain of sausage had been seized in the orange-colored jaws of a medium-sized black puppy.

    « Hey! » the Umbreon cried indignantly, yanking on the sausage while taking a large step back. « Go getcher own, ya little twit! » The opposing Houndour merely growled back, playfully wagging its stub of a tail, and chomped down harder upon his piece of sausage, yanking several of them off the chain. Without a second thought, the smaller Dark-type turned and fled, its large paws digging through sand and sending chunks of the moist, glassy material flying.

    That little twit just took my food, the Umbreon thought to himself, staring down in disbelief at his diminished chain of sausage. Now there wouldn’t be enough for Mentali… considering that he himself was a voracious eater. His large, reflective eyes narrowed in annoyance and he leapt forward, sliding down the long dune gracefully. At the foot, he burst into a much more delicate run than exhibited by the infantile Houndour, his smaller paws flying across the sand.

    The Houndour had stopped, oblivious to all else in the world, a few meters from the tide line. He plopped down on his haunches and dropped the sausage onto the ground, basking in the glorious feeling of self-praise. After all, he’d just stolen food right from under that weird Umbreon’s nose! What wasn’t to rejoice over? His stubby little tail smacked into the wet sand gleefully as he leaned his head back, eyes closed, ears flattened against his skull, as happily as if he was being petted.

    « HIIIIYAAAAAAAAA! » the Umbreon cried, throwing himself at the younger Houndour in a full-bodied Tackle attack. The blissfully unaware pup was bowled right over onto his face, his rump stuck up in the air indignantly. « I dunno who you think you are to snatch my food, but it ain’t gonna happen, ya crazy. » As the Houndour floundered around helplessly, trying in vain to right himself, the Umbreon turned to reclaim his sausages – only to find that they were covered in strings of nasty, smelly slobber.

    « Now that is GROSS! » He cried sanctimoniously, as though he were above such refuse. He turned away once more, picking up what was left – unspoiled – of the original sausage chain, and pranced away, leaving the Houndour to perfect its Flail technique in peace.

    It occurred to him that, despite the fact that he had much to be happy of in the form of FOOD, he still had no clue where his twin brother was, and that was something to be sad about. As he prowled along the Olivine shoreline, eventually moving past the wider stretch of beach where most people stayed, the curvature of the sand brought him in view of the Olivine Lighthouse. Once a rather nice structure, recent storms and a bothersome fire had swept through Olivine, and unfortunately, the Lighthouse simply hadn’t seen its fair share of repairs. The light was kept burning (or rather, the Ampharos kept sparkling), and the tower kept standing, seeing as incoming ships relied on it… but the structural appeal had simply faded. It had become a rather depressing place, if not only to look at, then also to be around. Not even the magnificence of a day like that day could brighten the disheartening air.

    The Umbreon’s navy blue rings gave a slight glow as he realized that this was doubtlessly the perfect place to find that weirdo Espeon, Mentali. This fact in mind, he set off towards the looming, blackened stone structure at speed, the chain of succulent sausages still swinging from his jaws. It was all he could do not to eat it – hopefully, Mentali wouldn’t be too hungry, and would consent to letting him have it all!

    As he continued towards the direction of the Lighthouse, his angle of perspective was shifted enough in climbing a dune that he realized that the Lighthouse was a lot farther off than he’d originally thought – all the way, in fact, on the other side of the city. His spirited gait slowed once more, his ears drooping and his vulpine tail lowering to drag in the sand. It was going to be a long walk…

    ~

    While most of the western Johto population was relaxing outdoors in the beautiful weather, a certain Pokémon of silvery-lavender fur had elected to do otherwise. Its pert nose was buried deep into the crook of its thigh as it lay curled in a tight ball; its large ears were pressed back, with the twin splits of its long, narrow tail lightly touching the dainty crimson jewel set into its forehead. Its smallish body was tucked neatly into the dark, quiet corner of a neat, tidy room at the Pokémon center. The local Nurse Joy believed strongly in reserving a come-and-go room for “stray Pokémon,” hence, the space was completely free, and the Espeon wasn’t imposing upon anyone – at least, he certainly hoped that he wasn’t.

    The room was only a few meters square, one of many that the pink-haired woman had set aside for such use. There was a large bowl of water and an identical bin of crunchy Pokémon food along one wall; the other three were bare, with the exception of a plethora of variously sized-and-colored pillows… none of which were currently in use by the Espeon. After all, what if another Pokémon came in and wanted a pillow? Far be it from the young Espeon to go claiming everything for himself. That was the kind of thing his brother, Noctali, would pull. Besides the pillows and food containers, the only thing ornamenting the room was a tactfully drab, red curtain that kept the sun on the other side of the small window.

    The silvery creature was on the very brink of truly falling asleep, when the peace of his nap was shattered into a million little pieces; the two-way door flap suddenly smacked inwards as another Pokémon came blazing into the room. The Espeon’s eyes flew open groggily and he sat up, blinking in surprise. At first, he thought his brother had burst in upon him, what with the new arrival’s sand-ridden coat of black fur, but in an instant, he realized that this wasn’t the case. A Houndour, not an Umbreon, had come into the room, sand coating his face as though he’d been swimming in it. At the sight of the Espeon, the Houndour stopped dead in his tracks, staring as though perplexed at the silvery Pokémon.

    « Um… hello, » the Espeon muttered quietly, his deep baritone voice lowered by his near-sleep state, as well as in a desire to not frighten the Pokémon; Houndour were known to be rather jumpy creatures. At his greeting, the Houndour dropped a partial chain of slobbery sausage upon the floor and nodded at it pointedly.

    « Um, » the Espeon faltered. « Thanks, but… I don’t partake of pre-digested meat products terribly often… »

    The Houndour didn’t seem to know what to make of this. He nodded to the meat once more, and when the Espeon merely slumped in consternation, assuming the Pokémon to be misfortunately incompetent, he chose to speak.

    « You no want? » he quipped, tilting his head to the right in a cute display of curiosity. « You no hit me for it? »

    « No, I don’t – wait, hit you? Why would I hit you for it? » the Espeon asked, fully uncurling himself to stand properly. « Wait, let us try this again. Hello. My name’s Mentali and I don’t want your food. What’s your name? » Truth be told, he didn’t exactly want the strange Hound’s presence at all; he’d rather go back to sleep and while away the hours.

    « I no have name, » the Houndour replied, dropping to his haunches and starting to pant. He offered no more on the matter.

    « Ooooo…kay, » Mentali said, his eyes shifting from left to right in worry. Not only was the beast incompetent, it was a nameless stray. Who knew what kind of diseases it could be carrying? « Well… I was just preparing to leave, so… you enjoy your sausage… and um… nice day t’you. » He started to edge around the pudgy Dark Pokémon, but before he’d made even a step, the Houndour lunged. Mentali bristled, a hiss escaping his suddenly bared fangs. Instinctively, he unleashed a blast of Psychic energy at the attacker, the air shimmering as the pulse was released from the glowing gem upon his forehead. He’d reflexively poured everything he had into the blast, not thinking to hold back so he wouldn’t hurt the creature – who, much to his surprise, moved right through the blast as though it were a balmy breeze, and slammed into him shoulder-first, throwing him against the wall.

    « What in the name of Mew?! » Mentali cried indignantly as the other Pokémon pinned him down by his shoulders. Its chops hung open and its tongue lolled out, a dollop of spit falling upon Mentali’s pristine fur.

    « You nice! I thought you wanna play Tackle! » The Houndour replied innocently. Mentali’s patience was quickly running thin. This incompetent, filthy, slobbering beast had now not only interrupted his slumber, but had also tackled him into the wall… and wanted to call it play? After he slobbered on him?!

    « You must be kidding me, » Mentali hissed, grinding his teeth together. He twisted away from the overly playful Houndour, slinking along the wall as quickly as his petit form would carry him. « I’m no plaything, you incommodious little vagrant. Enjoy your food in peace – at least you’ll have some of the latter, eh? » And with that, he bound through the two-way flap and out into the brightly-lit hallway. As he was leaving, he heard the Houndour say something rather peculiar, especially for an incompetent stray:

    « I no like Eevee-lu…lutions, » it muttered under its breath, catching itself on the long word. « That make two meanies in a row. »

    At this comment, Mentali turned to peer back at the little doorway – one of many that lined the long hallway in which he stood – and decided to give the little cretin a moment to explain that last comment. He poked his nose back through the flap, looking poignantly at the black-furred creature, who was simply staring right back.

    « Two meanies? » He asked, tilting his head. « You met another one before me? What did he look like? Was he being chased by an angry mob? Was he alive? Did he hurt you? Oh my goodness if he - » and here he stopped himself before he could start recounting particularly embarrassing moments from their earlier childhood. He left the many questions hanging, belatedly hoping that he hadn’t confused the incompetent stray into a stupor.

    « Your words go fast, » the burdening beast spoke slowly. « My name Archie, what yours? »

    …At which Mentali gawked for a moment, then snapped his jaw shut and exhaled very, very slowly. This was highly annoying; it looked as though he’d have to really pull out all the stops on this creature.

    « Call me… Bob, or something, just… tell me, the Pokémon that was following you, what did - »

    An enormous explosion rattled the foundations of the Pokémon center, causing Mentali to bristle and reflexively throw up a shiny golden Barrier of light; Archie the Houndour simply cocked his head and looked amused, his tongue lolling out curiously. Mentali rushed over to the curtained window and edged his nose beneath the cloth, pressing his face up against the glass. He half-expected to see Noctali flying through the air, victim of some horrible accident of his own doing… but the only sight that greeted him was a group of humans standing around and laughing at the capers of a bunch of Electrodes. The Pokémon were repetitively colliding into each other, building up energy until one would explode – which had just happened, and was about to happen again. As Mentali turned from the window, slumping in mystified wonder of such idiocy, another fulminating explosion sounded, the shockwaves thumping through the smallish Pokémon’s narrow chest like some demonic heartbeat.

    « You know what? Never mind, » Mentali said in defeat. Noctali was obviously out there screwing around with random innocents again, so he didn’t have time to try and decipher an incompetent stray’s gibberish. He nodded curtly and walked out resolutely, his tail dragging the floor.

    ~

    The black Umbreon had made his way through the edge of the town, never more than a few leaps away from the edge of the sea, all the while with a chain of sausage hanging from his mouth. The temptation to stop and devour the luxurious meats had become so great, he found himself thinking of the many reasons that doing so could be harmful – from the fact that it was fattening, to the very likely chance that he could gag on a piece, fall down, roll into the sea, get chomped on by Cloysters, and washed away to the shores of Hoenn or someplace like that, where he would be attacked by the savage Ambipom natives, done up in degrading make-up, and idolized over some strange ritual, all to prepare him to be eaten.

    One didn’t screw around with the Fates, after all.

    They were mean Pokémon.

    As he pondered upon these farfetched ideas, his dainty paws carried him right beyond the path that would lead him to the lighthouse – where he was positive he’d find his emo-facing brother – and on towards the eastern fringes of town. His nose was low to the ground, his ears twitching at every new scent that passed him by. His worries over his brother had very much receded; after all, Mentali could take care of himself, especially with those shiny powers of his.

    The Umbreon was just beginning to realize that he’d forgotten about something rather important regarding his trip away from the beach, when a pebble struck his skull. Irked, he craned his neck around, ears perked straight up, to find the source of this aggravation… but when he looked, there wasn’t a soul in sight. One imperceptible eyebrow twitched in confusion, but he passed it off as some crazy thing of the Fates and went along his way… until another pebble struck him – this one much harder, on the rump. With a yelp, he leapt around and scanned the area behind him… nothing but the receding buildings at the edge of the city, and –

    « Oh, the lighthouse! » He reminded himself angrily, scrunching his eyes up in self-mocking fury. Well, it’s not like I got anything better to do, he thought slowly. With a self-assuring nod, he trotted back towards the small dirt path that would lead him to the lighthouse. People usually took the larger, stoned walkway, but he, being a Pokémon, preferred the less beaten path. Some roguish bone within him simply demanded it.

    As his small paws became dusty with the powdery white grit of the path, he noticed that it seemed to be getting darker. Casting a deep amber eye to the skies, he spotted an enormous bank of inky blackness spreading across the southern skies – down South towards Cyanwood Island. Unlike normal clouds, they didn’t seem to fade towards the blue sky; rather, it was a harsh, jagged line of blackness.

    He was coming upon the lighthouse itself, the huge building stretching high above him. Being as he and his brother had been in the Olivine area for a week or so now, the sheer size of the lighthouse was no longer so overpowering; hence, he didn’t crane his head back in an effort to see the very top of the charred tower, like usual. Before he rounded the curved stone structure, his ears picked up the tiniest hint of sound on the sea breeze, a musical, lilting voice that both graced his ears and resounded gently throughout his mind.

    « …and a storm shall cleave the virgin sky… sounding out the mortal cry… of Human, Pokémon, and I… »

    The black-furred Pokémon narrowed his eyes as a sudden gust of wind whipped up the sand around him, momentarily clouding his vision completely. He pressed onwards, blinking sand from his eyes, and came upon the stretch of land before the lighthouse. A long point of rock, covered in golden sand and the scraggly excuse for grass that grew nowhere else, it would have made a dramatic cliff-like scene if it were more than ten feet above the water. However, the beauty of the small area wasn’t what attracted the Umbreon’s gaze – it was the strange Pokémon perched on the very brink of the rock face. As the Umbreon approached, he absently realized that he could see straight through the Pokémon, as though it was a projection upon the very air. It was enormous compared to the small Umbreon, with a large crest upon its head from which flowed a cloudy mane of violet hue, two glistening white ribbons framing this shifting embodiment of wind. The regal Pokémon turned its sight upon the Umbreon, locking its amber eyes with an ebony gaze that seemed to halt time itself.

    « …you are called Noctali, » the Pokémon said, its dually-resonant voice a low, baritone rumble. There was no hint of questioning to its tones; it knew that the Umbreon called himself Noctali, even though they’d never met. Noctali was, for once, uncharacteristically speechless. His mind was blank, and he felt as though he were being pulled closer to the transparent Pokémon. A wave crashed up over the rocks, spray moving through the image of the hound, which seemed to shudder and break up with the water… but after a pensive moment, it resolved itself, its image coming back together, though still indubitably transparent. The great hound gave a wind-stirring sigh and turned to gaze back out upon the troubling sea.

    With the next gust of wind, the Pokémon was gone, as though it had never stood there to begin with. Noctali blinked in surprise, feeling as though he’d just awoken from a dream where he’d been flying in the clouds, and was now back on the crummy ground where normal Pokémon had to stay. He stared out across the expansive waters, towards the proliferating blackness which was moving ever nearer. One final gust kicked up grains of sand around him and pressed his ears flat, before the winds calmed entirely.

    As he turned away from the sea, confused by this receding feeling of previous ręverie, a strange thought pervaded his conscience, as though he hadn’t meant to think it himself – I shall wait at Johto’s end...

    ~
    Chapitre 1 – Fin ; Pour ętre continué.
    ~

    Des mots de l’auteur :

    Well, I sincerely hope that one or two of you have made it this far. I know it’s kind of a dull start, but hopefully I’ve managed to snag a few of you who want to know what happens next. If not, oh well. I’ll post it anyways!

    From Chapitre 2:

    “…the two went tumbling down the steep embankment, a furry blur of silver and black, as the entire world seemed to implode upon itself in fiery wrath…”
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 26th January 2008 at 5:31 PM. Reason: Updating the PM List

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    Trek of the Twins: Johto Awaits. Chapter Three is Here.

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  2. #2
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    That was a really nice chapter, for lack of a better word. The description was incredible and the characters quite distinct. The parts with Archie were quite entertaining and the chapter managed to make me quite hungry. I am interested to know what that transparent pokemon is.

    Forgive my awful review, I always have trouble being objective.

    If you have a PM list then you can add me to it if you want.
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    Chapter 17 is up.

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    Awesome, a review! Thank you for the praise! I was just a bit nervous as to how it would be taken (sometimes I felt that I maybe went over the edge with so much detail >_<).

    *huggles Archie* He was fun writing for, but I feel kind of bad for characterizing him so... stupidly. Oh well, he'll get his fair share of plot importance. *shuts up before revealing stuff*

    And I humor myself at your newly-bred hunger. *evil laughter ensues* I didn't initially plan on the sausage being such a big thing in this chapter, but that's how it turned out. *scribbles a note about food* As for the transparent Pokémon... um, I honestly didn't intend for that to be a very mysterious description, although if you're not very familiar with the second generation then I can understand why you wouldn't catch it. All shall be revealed to those who read on.

    And I shall make a PM list for sure, and if more people wish to be subscribed, then I'll post it up in the first chapter later on. For now, I've got you written down.

    ...And I liked your review! It shattered my anxiety over posting this thing. Thank you much.
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 18th January 2008 at 11:44 PM. Reason: J'oubliais quelque chose encore...

    Many Thanks to Niedude for the AMAZING banner!
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    whooooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhhhh.................... .

    SO EFFINGMAZINADECSTIOP.....

    Translation: REALLLLL Y good _..._descripiton_..._...., and characterization, AnD e_v_e_r_y_t_h_i_n_G


    I remembered your FECKINGAMAZINGREVIEW you gave me, so I saw your fiiiiiic, and,,,, It WaS ReAlLy great. Keep posting chaps, and this will go somewhere. ^points up^ twill go SKY HIGH. woo.


    Em, whattelse? Oh, yesh. I only had one qualm. Two, actuallyyyy. Your sentences were a bit long... took me ages to get over that problem in my writing, too. Just remember to break them up. Even if it seems choppy, you can always later backtrack and edit.

    UMBREONS rock. So so do Espeons. Admittedly, they're getting a little old in fics, but you threw a whole new spin on things by telling it from their point of view. PrOPS for amazinenss.


    Yeahhh... Way to go.


    ~Mix

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    *squeals* Thank you so much, Mixy!!! I'm sitting here reading DJ:HoH as I reply to this. Don't ask how, it's complicated. Anyways. Thanks. About the long sentences... yeah... um. People are always yelling me about that. I know it's no excuse since I've been "fluent" in English for three years now, but I still use French sentence structuring when it comes to all the clauses I throw into my sentences... I'll definitely use this as an outlet to work on that, thanks for your honesty!

    Um... what was your second qualm? The fact that Espeon and Umbreon are kind of old? If so, then yeah, I know... but there's a bit of history to my use of these characters.

    *stands upon an old, beaten-up soapbox*

    I used to write little ficlets all the time, and just enjoy them. Unfortunately, I lost them all in a recent computer meltdown. Anyways, the point is, all of these unrelated fics had one constantly recurring theme - whenever the plot got really thick, I'd throw in a random Espeon and Umbreon (well... not exactly random, as you can see) for some good-natured amusement. I got so attached to the two that I've decided to give them their due debut, and here it is. Anyways. That's that. Oh, and Archie came from such a background as well. *sage nod*

    Thanks again for the uplifting review. The sky's a really far away place, though... *looks up* Ah, well. That's what airplanes are for. :3 and <3 ! *returns to DJ*

    Many Thanks to Niedude for the AMAZING banner!
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    I'm not a good reviewer at all...but...

    I thought this was amazing. Your portrayal of the scenes was very professional, and it gripped me into reading the whole thing. Noctali and Mentali are two Pokemon I would love to meet! And, including a Houndour as a minor character is awesome. =P

    One small thing that confused me: why does Johto have Wingull and Ambipom? But, yeah, it's your fic...I wouldn't care if it had Weavile or Mudkip in it either. =P

    Overall, great job, and I hope Chapter Two would be as good, or even better.


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



    images were taken from three specific pages of Serebii.net

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    Thank you much, Dramatic Melody! I'm getting warm and fuzzy inside, this is not a good thing... usually means that a lot of warm and fuzzy stuff will get thrown into the plans for later chapters. *cringes* Oh well. As for your questions - the Wingull were almost an accident. I originally planned this to take place in Hoenn... then I changed to Sinnoh... and then I finally settled on Johto. So the Wingull were from the original draft. But! I decided that they were the only truly gull-like Pokémon that I knew of, so I left them there. As for the Ambipom, Johto would only have those if people let their Aipom evolve... and besides, in that part, Noctali's thinking about what would happen if he were washed away to the shores of Hoenn (or someplace like that), remember? *wink* No big.

    Well, chapter two has gotten underway, and considering I have a four day weekend (including today) I might actually get it done before Tuesday. Just a note on that to anyone else who's possibly keeping up with this.

    *deep breath* I can't believe I got a response from three authors already. I was expecting horrible things to happen to this fic... but this is actually rather inspiring. I'm going to go and plot some more things out, now!
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 19th January 2008 at 2:19 AM. Reason: J'avais tort de quelques choses. J'avais besoin d'en corriger.

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    Default Chapter 2: Storm Surge

    CHAPTER TWO: Storm Surge

    “Mommy, look!” A little girl cried, prodding her dozing mother’s shoulder insistently. Shifting in annoyance, the young, red-haired woman sat up on her large towel, rubbing her eyes against the bright sunlight.

    “What is it, honey?” She asked in a sleepy voice. She’d been enjoying that nap so much…

    “Look at the lightning!” The little red-haired girl jumped up and down in place, fueled by the many Snow Cones she’d devoured while her mother was out. Her pudgy little hand pointed out towards the seas, the vast blue expanse that had been so blissful only a few moments earlier. Now, great clouds covered the entire horizon, pitch black and looming ominously in the distance. Every few seconds, a great bolt of lightning would fling itself from the murky skies, crashing into the troubled sea below.

    “Oh, my goodness,” the woman said in alarm. “What on earth brought that on?”

    Her sentiment was shared by all of the beach-goers, most notably the vendors. It had been a magnificent day for sales, but now, every single patron was hastily throwing their enormous towels and worn-out, deflated beach balls into bags, gathering their children, and heading back for the city. In a few moments, there would be no one left but the aggravated vendors themselves.

    One creature noticed this fact in a particularly grim fashion as he nosed his way out of the Pokémon Center’s back entrance – the stray’s entrance. The silver-furred Espeon could smell the incoming storm the moment his paws met the grass. Gone was that warming sent of the balmy ocean breeze, replaced by a sharper tinge that stung the nostrils of such a delicate Pokémon as himself. His large cat-like ears stood up high as he quickly scanned the horizon, looking for any signs of otherworldly trouble that would hint at his brother’s location.

    Just as a particularly close bolt of lightning clove the darkening sky, the top of the Olivine Lighthouse exploded with golden light. The Ampharos had been set to work early; it wasn’t yet dinner time in this part of the world, but it was beginning to look like the Ampharos’s glow would be needed. Rather than a solid glow of light, however, the blindingly bright flashes came in a peculiar fashion, most likely some kind of nautical warning. Though Mentali knew nothing of the human’s brand of warnings, he could sense the urgency of the situation through the Pokémon’s haphazard technique. All was certainly not well for anyone at sea this evening…

    Mentali trotted around the corner of the Pokémon center, heading for the street. However, he caught himself short as an enormous crowd of rugged-looking men, all dressed in crisp white uniforms went rushing by, headed for the harbor. One of them lost their funny sailor’s caps, which was carried upwards on the breeze, before it plummeted for the earth. He didn’t even glance back for it, apparently too set on his current mission to worry about it. Even the humans were getting antsy about the strange change of weather.

    Mentali shuddered as he trotted out into the street, the ends of his tail writhing in worry. Even beyond the fact that the weather wasn’t supposed to change so abruptly, something simply didn’t seem right to him. His bones ached dully, as though some great, unseen force was squeezing every osteon within him. All of his acute instincts were screaming at him to find shelter, but he had a more important goal at paw – to find his brother.

    « I swear I should flay that perfidious encumbrance of my life open right where he stands, » Mentali muttered to himself darkly as he headed towards the beach. He knew that Noctali loved the sun, the sand, and the prospect of causing trouble where people were around, so the beach seemed like the most likely place to find him. However, as his dainty little paws carried him past the end of the pavement and onto the small ridge that spanned the beach, he was presented with an alarming sight. The beach was completely and utterly void of Pokémon, as far as he could see. In fact, the only signs of life at all were in the forms of disgruntled human merchants packing up their wares.

    As he stared in disbelief across the stretch of sand, he realized that the storm was approaching with sickening haste. The clouds were no longer ‘in the distance;’ they were not even a mile off shore. The winds had strengthened, and the delicate, family-friendly breakers that the Olivine Beach was renowned for had transformed themselves into broiling whitecaps of startling power. With every wave that crashed upon the sandy shore, the tide seemed to roll in higher and higher. For some reason, Mentali was oddly surprised when a large Kingler was thrown upon the sands by one particularly fierce wave. It raised its larger claw in a humorous display of anger and scuttled back into the waves, clicking and clacking boisterously at such dishonorable treatment. Mentali was momentarily glad he didn’t understand the Click language; surely there were some hair-raising words in that last statement.

    Mentali felt momentarily confused; why on earth would Noctali have left the beach without first trying to find him? Then it occurred to him, albeit belatedly – the rogue must have been out looking for him at that very moment. He craned his neck around towards the closer end of the beach, where the sands ended in the rough, rocky field that lead to the Lighthouse. He had no idea where Noctali would have gone; had the off-colored Umbreon possessed any brains, he would have known to come and find him in the quietest, most reclusive place possible, the Pokémon Center. Where had he actually gone to search?

    « Thinking like him is impossible, » he muttered forlornly. Just as he was about to simply head into the city and start searching every vacant niche he could find, a warbling cry, stricken with some strange blend of inflections that made little sense together, came to him.

    « MENNNNTALLLLIIIIII!!! »

    Startled by the sudden scream, the silver-furred Espeon winced before turning to look in the direction of his hailer. Much to his relief, a frightened-looking Umbreon, whose rings shone a dusky blue, was galloping towards him on the path from the Lighthouse. As he neared, Mentali became aware of several things at once: one, his twin looked more frightened than he’d ever been in his life; two, tears were plastering the fur around his eyes as he ran at breakneck speed towards him; and three, he wasn’t stopping.

    Mentali barely had time to utter a curse as the ebony-furred beast of burden leapt the last few meters through the air, tumbling into his brother and sending them both over the small ridge towards the sand. Mentali really did loose a filthy curse, and the two went tumbling down the steep embankment, a furry blur of silver and black, as the entire world seemed to implode upon itself in fiery wrath. They landed in a heap upon the sand, a wave of flames leaping off the edge of the ridge from which they’d just fallen. All of creation seemed to shudder with some deafening impact of unknown origins, which tapered away gradually, fading like the overtones from some poorly tuned timpani.

    « What in the name of all things Johto did you DO, you worthless ingrate?! » Mentali cried in shock, shoving his brother off of him and standing slowly, his knees and elbows shaking in a fit of terror. He gazed upon the singed grass at the top of the ridge, wondering what in the world had happened; his ears still rang painfully from the explosion. « Did you blow up all of Olivine?! » The gravity of his fears seeped into his voice, and Mentali realized that he sounded even nastier than usual.

    While his brother blundered through a mouthful of incoherent gibberish, Mentali scaled the incline in a flash, reaching the top in a few strides. It had felt so much longer when they were rolling down in the first place. As he came upon the singed grass at the top, his watery black eyes widened in disbelief. There had been an old shack of some sort a few meters away from the ridge; now, all that was left of said shack was its singed, burning framework. A gaping hole had appeared in the roof, the windows were lying upon the ground in a million glistening pieces, and the door was simply gone.

    It had been struck by lightning.

    Mentali cast a terrified glance to the sky above; the storm was on them already! But there was no way it could have moved a mile in such short time – and then he realized, it wasn’t the same bank of endless blackness hanging over his head. Another front had been moving in from the north the entire time; the two storms would meet not even a mile off shore at this rate.

    « Noctali, I don’t care what your problem is or where in all hell you’ve been, we MUST find shelter immediately! » Mentali screamed, peering over the edge at his brother. To his utter horror, the psychotic Umbreon had gotten to his feet and started marching resolutely towards the sea, his ears and tail drooping as though he were grieving – or in a trance. Growling to himself, Mentali leapt gracefully down to the sands below and caught up with the bothersome idiot in a few quick trots. For a moment, he simply trod beside him in a mock display of resolution, as though it were another day at the beach. However, when huge drops of rain began to pelt upon them, flung from the heavens like vicious stones, he cried out in rage.

    « NOCTALI, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! » he screamed, stopping in his tracks. The ruby upon his forehead glistened as his frustration began to surface. Mentali turned to glance at him as though he was being bothered, and stared for a moment, his eyes blank and somehow lusterless. A moment later, with a furious shake of his head, he seemed to snap out of the trance-like state and return to himself.

    « HOLY CRAP, MENTALI! » he shouted, leaping around to fully face his twin brother, setting his paws in some strange, braced position as though he was about to be slapped. « I just saw some kind of ghost or something I’m still not sure what the hell it was but it was freaky and it talked and it said something was happening and we have to go to Johto’s end and - »

    Noctali’s rapid-fire speech halted as Mentali spun on the spot, whipping his twin tail-tips across his erratic brother’s face with a loud slap. In that moment, the world was rendered white by another blinding flash of lightning, this from the still advancing storm front at sea. Noctali stared in shock, his eyes wide and his mouth agape – after all, he’d just been slapped.

    « Whatever poisonous human food you’ve eaten to cause such delirium, I’m not in the mood at the moment! COME ON, YOU BRAINLESS IMBECILE! » With that, Mentali turned and bounded back towards the city, the rainfall thickening with every loping stride he took. After a few moments, Noctali caught up, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he strained to keep up with his faster brother. He’d been doing too much running lately… or rather, not enough, by one perspective.

    « I didn’t eat any human food at all today! » Noctali protested belatedly, throwing a sideways glare at his insulting brother. « I was gonna, but I lost it when I saw that ghost! » Seeing his brother’s black eyes roll in consternation at this statement, he continued urgently. « I’m not kidding, Mentali! It was this big blue dog thingy at the Lighthouse! But it wasn’t really there - »

    « EXACTLY my point, » Mentali interrupted impatiently, scaling the ridge yet again.

    « No, but it was! You don’t get it! It was like, I dunno, foggy-sandy-shifty-drifty! » he argued, determined to get his point across as they rushed towards the Pokémon center. Luckily enough, it was one of the closest buildings to the beach, second only to the Lighthouse. As they neared, the storm above them unleashed another raging bolt of lightning, though this seemed even deadlier than the last. A strange, crackling finger of electrical energy, it seemed to move slower than lightning should, with some sick, controlled directive; the twins stopped and watched in awed horror as it raced through the air towards the Lighthouse. In the same instant, the Lighthouse stopped glowing. All of time seemed to slow to the Pokémon spectators as the Lighthouse’s Ampharos hurried out onto a small platform, its entire body crackling with brilliant golden electricity. Not even a second before the bolt of white from the heavens would have reached the Lighthouse, the Ampharos unleashed a massive bolt of its own – surely the most powerful Thunder attack the twins had ever seen, second only to their older sister’s – that connected with the attacking arc from the heavens.

    As the two writhing serpents of electricity met, the thunder that had accompanied the original lightning was shamed into silence by the earth-shattering roar which grew from the resulting explosion. The point at which the countering charges collided erupted into an enormous orb of brilliant white energy before imploding upon itself with one final, resounding crack. In the moments after this furious display, the energy from so many gigavolts of electricity seemed to weigh upon the air even more heavily than the storm itself. Upon the pinnacle of the Lighthouse, the Ampharos took a few deep gasps, electricity still crackling around the orbs upon its forehead and tail. It nodded to itself in resolute resolve, and dashed back within. A moment later, the strange, flashing nautical code started blinking again, as surely as if it had never stopped to begin with.

    For a moment, the twins simply stared, not quite sure what to make of what they’d just seen. It didn’t make sense in any way, shape, or form… but there was no denying it. They were snapped out of their stunned stupor when a piercing, high-pitched human voice cried out above the wind.

    “You Pokémon!” The commanding, feminine voice cried. “Get in here, NOW!” Mentali and Noctali turned in the direction of the call, and found Nurse Joy standing with the door of the Pokémon Center ajar, rain soaking through her nurse’s cap and matting her pink hair down. A Chansey and a Blissey stood on either side of her, the nursing Pokémon looking as worried as their bun-haired overseer. Mentali burst into a renewed run for the Pokémon Center, the roar of thunder overhead masking the sound of his brother falling to the ground. As Mentali neared the cement porch, one of the Blisseys shoved by, casting an ultimately scathing glance at the ignorant, sopping-wet Espeon.

    The Blissey scampered out across the lawns as fast as her small, dancer-shoe feet would allow her, nearly slipping on the slick grass herself. She reached the Umbreon, who’d gotten his paw caught in a strange hole beneath the mud, without chagrin. With surprising strength for a Pokémon known only for healing, she seized Noctali by his ribs and yanked him free of the mud, throwing him over her shoulders like a sac of feathers. Without a word edgewise, she scampered back towards the Pokémon center.

    « Um, thanks, » Noctali muttered, his words mangled by the bumpiness of the ride. Nurse Joy and the other Blissey stood aside as the valiant rescuer rushed in. Her large, egg-shaped form dripped what seemed like gallons of water all over the marble-floored entryway. She carefully deposited the slick Umbreon upon the floor, and headed off wordlessly with her partner. They had sick Pokémon to take care of, after all.

    Mentali padded softly over to where his brother had been deposited, leaving his own trail of water. He had a monumental urge to shake himself like some lowly feline, but figured that such an act was best saved for a less public place. They had entered through the main entrance, hence there was an enormous audience, staring blankly at the two new arrivals. From blue-tinted wall to blue-tinted wall, people of all shapes and sizes had managed to pack themselves. What would have been a cozy, welcoming reception area had been transformed into a rather damp, stuffy holding cell of sorts. Even Pokémon were smashed into the mix – what on Earth had possessed their trainers to not recall them was anyone’s guess.

    « Dude, you’re friggin’ wet, » Noctali jested, lifting a paw and tweaking his twin’s large, drooping ear. Mentali uttered a low, warning growl, and skulked off towards the other side of the room. After a few paces, he realized that he wasn’t being followed – and that people weren’t staring at him, as he thought they were. Every eye in the humid room was trained on Noctali, scrutinizing the little Umbreon’s every movement. This seemed a little strange to the silver-furred Espeon for a moment… but then he realized what they were so intrigued by.

    One particularly intelligent Homo sapien chose to make it startlingly clear, just in case anyone missed the fact.

    “Dude… it’s a shiny Umbreon…”

    A ripple of agreement flowed through the room like a grasshopper with a cold. Heads bobbed in agreement, eyes sparkled even more brightly in appreciation of the rare specimen before their eyes. Mentali nearly face-planted when he realized that these buffoons were putting his crazy twin on some kind of exalted pedestal. The strange thrum of energy in the air made him expect some kind of fan-girlish cheer to rise up spookily through the room.

    It was Nurse Joy – obviously the only competent human in the room – who finally broke the strange silence.

    “OKAY! Everyone! It’s not like you’ve never seen a shiny Pokémon before, right?”

    People shouted in disagreement, the younger trainers present making strange clenching motions, indicative of their desire to capture the creature. One pig-hailed girl even cried out that the Umbreon would be hers very soon.

    “Oh, no, nonononooooooo,” Nurse Joy stated flatly, producing a large, fluffy towel out of seemingly nowhere. “There will be no Pokémon capturing in my waiting room, so you all can just forget it!” As she spoke, she stooped down, her stern expression softening, and wrapped the towel around the scruffy, wet Pokémon. Mentali’s jaw dropped as he watched his brother allow himself to be lifted into the air in such a demeaning manner. It was shocking!

    To Noctali, however, it was a rather pleasing sensation. He allowed a contented expression to grace his visage as the warm, fluffy blue towel enveloped him. He reclined languidly in the Nurse’s gentle, experienced arms, lifting a paw as cutely as a tiny kitten towards her calm, smiling face. He decided that he very much liked this human; she wasn’t like those mean vendors who simply wanted to make sure he was far, far away from their food. She was nice, accepting, and everything else that a good Nurse was supposed to be. Considering the startling chain of events through which he’d just been dragged, this was a very, very comforting situation to be in. She carried him off towards a large, glass-paneled door that was emblazoned “EMERGENCY,” pushing through with her shoulder. No one was likely to try and follow them into the Emergency Room; as genial and caring as Nurse Joy was known to be, she was equally well known for her unrelenting attitude on disallowing unnecessary parties to enter the recovery areas. In short, one didn’t mess with her if one valued one’s Trainer License, among other things.

    Mentali realized belatedly that he wouldn’t be able to get back there either, and burst into a determined run towards the other side of the room. However, the sea of people had washed over what little space was left between him and the doorway, many of them pressing their faces against the glass to stare after the rare Pokémon. As the forest of legs thickened into some mock Great Wall, he became aware of the fact that he wouldn’t be getting back there easily.

    Or at all for that matter.

    « I should blast the lot of you into Kanto, » he muttered darkly, his eyes flashing a pale, misty blue for but a second.

    ~

    The uneasy shifting of the voluminous bank of clouds reminded it of some pathetic swarm of sacrificial nothings, writhing in agony as the ritualistic flames of the Ancients reached higher and higher from the depths, inching ever closer to the wretched souls to be surrendered. A great, all-encompassing sigh, akin to the four winds themselves, escaped its paradoxically diminutive form as it peered down at the frothy sea of blackness beneath him.

    « The time is upon us… » this strange being stated, gazing out across the storm beneath him. Its voice was both light upon the atmospheric winds, and as heavy as the mountain that stood beneath it; it carried endlessly across the plains of existence, while reverberating back upon the small creature as though it had cried into a cavernous crevasse. At once, it seemed to be speaking to itself, to no one, and to the other, equivalently curious Pokémon floating a few feet behind it.

    « Are you sure this time? » The innocent question carried a note of obvious disbelief. This Pokémon’s voice was monumentally more confined, less flashy; it was as though it had so much less to prove through the way it spoke, of all things. It lashed its pink tail around nervously, edging closer to the other fairy-like creature. « After all, you remember what happened last time, right? » This time, its voice had lost the near sweetness that was present, reducing itself to an uncharacteristically icy hiss.

    « Yes… you needn’t remind me, master, » the first Pokémon replied, its thin, wispy antennae fidgeting. It spat the word “master” as though it was physically painful to say it. « Where’s that fool from Hoenn? » It asked, its resonant voice betraying the speaker’s wish to change the subject.

    « Need I remind you that this ‘fool’ of which you speak is your endless superior, you sickly green excuse for an Ancient? » Came a new voice, this one stranger than even the first’s. It seemed to assail their minds as though from afar, the tune of some neglected ocarina carried to them upon the River of Time itself. The insulting Pokémon winced in shame, turning its slanted gaze upon this final arrival. It offered no apologies for its slanderous statement, merely darting its gaze between each of the three ribbons hung around this final fairy’s golden visage.

    « You be late Jiri, » the magenta-hued Pokémon spoke, nodding indicatively to the newest arrival.

    « I beg of your forgiveness, master, » this Pokémon said reverently, bowings its squat form even lower towards the spot upon which it floated. « There were problematic circumstances in Hoenn, milord. »

    The pink Pokémon twitched, almost imperceptibly, at this newest title.

    « You crazies insist on calling me master… fine. But none o’ that ‘milord’ crap, mmkay? Mmkay. On to business, then. » It suddenly vanished with a small puff of pink smoke and curious “poof” sound, reappearing several meters away from the pinnacle of the mountain, hanging upside in the air as though it was a commonplace thing to do so. « As the two of you should be able to see, unless you’re blind, that is… Celi, you can open your eyes, I know you have all your shiny VISION BEYOND SIGHT powers and such, no need to brag. Seriously, to think I named you protector of Johto. What mushrooms DID you give me that day…? ANYWAYS. So chyeah. The storm’s started. It’s raining and lightning…ing… everywhere in Johto by now, I’m sure. In fact, the Olivine Lighthouse was nearly taken down by an Unholy Bolt – »

    « But the Ampharos that I appointed managed to fend it off, » the Pokémon with antennae said boastfully. Their master simply stared blankly for a moment, before continuing with an edge of impatience to his playful tones.

    « But, Celi’s precious little naked sheep managed to save everything. Woot. Whatever WOULD we do withoutcha, Celi? Anywho. At the Lighthouse, Suici-darling managed to contact one of the Twelve Adamants all spirity-ful-like, which, I do believe, is why the Unholy Bolt was launched at the Lighthouse. Zappy and Rai-rai are getting a little antsy, if I do say so myself. » Here, the speaker stopped, righting himself with another melodramatic puff of pink smoke. When he reappeared this time, though, he was reclining on a peculiar, squeaky pink ball. With twin pops, a green and blue ball of similar energy appeared beneath the other two Pokémon, respectively, startling them only momentarily as they were forced into the strange seats. They were used to their master’s antics; who wouldn’t be after millennia of unending sameness? After a few comfort-attaining squeaks, their master spoke again.

    « I also managed to do some… um. Scouting? Yeah, scouting. I managed to do some scouting on the Adamant’s family, and I’m thinking that there’s another Adamant amongst them. After all, there are eight of ’em for Arcy’s sake. YO ARCY YOU LISTENIN?!?!?! » The pink-bodied creature’s sudden, spastic ejaculation caused the other two fairies to jump in alarm; their master had projected its voice rather ominously through what felt like all creation. Each of them felt the cry reverberate through their very souls, as when their master would call to them for meetings such as this. The echoes of the cry faded, and the Pokémon spoke again.

    « I sure wish that fool’d wake up from his Godly rest, jeez. At any rate. I’m not sure if it’s the Adamant’s twin or not, but that’s the most obvious choice. I’ll have to look into him s’more. Yo, Jiri, how’s things on the Über Wish front? » The Pokémon who reclined upon the squeaky blue orb seemed to cringe mentally, taking a moment to think upon his response.

    « My… granting… powers… won’t be restored for… um. Another six months, master… »

    At this, their master looked up, enormous blue eyes widened in alarm. The air of lackadaisical leisure left the small Pokémon’s features in a rush. The enormous blue eyes narrowed, brows furrowed in worry as its gaze was cast back out upon the sea of wrathful clouds.

    « Then I’m sorry as hell for the Adamants… »

    ~
    Chapitre 2 – Fin; Pour ętre continué.
    ~

    Des mots de l’auteur:

    Alright then, Chapter 2! I’m somewhat ashamed of this one, but I’m not going to say anything; let me know what you all think, okay?

    From Chapitre 3:

    …Mentali ground his fangs together in aggravated consternation, struggling against the flames of endless pain in his side. The gem upon his forehead began to glow, more fiercely than ever before, as he prepared himself for what had to be done…
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 9th February 2008 at 9:12 PM. Reason: Fixed a speaker tag.

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  9. #9
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    Wow, just wow. This chapter is amazing. Description was spectacular, scenery was vividly presented, and the foreshadowing provided in the legendary bit in the last part presented a nice hint on what the central plot is.

    I found Mew's choice of language amusing. =P

    "Adamant" is an awesome family name. =O

    Well, I certainly can't wait for the next chapter. And the preview lines are captivating...makes you all curious and "get-on-with-the-next-chapter!"-ish.


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  10. #10
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    Yeah, this chapter was great in description and actions/dynamics between the characters. Looking forward to the next chapter.
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    Chapter 17 is up.

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    the legendary bit in the last part presented a nice hint on what the central plot is.
    Well, that was certainly the intention! Thanks so much for the awesome review, Dramatic Melody. One note, though...     Spoiler:- Spoilage ensues...:


    Thanks for the nice review, Griff! Makes me all warm and fuzzy again... *shivers* Those poor Eeveelutions of mine...

    So this chapter was really okay? I was all worried again; I thought maybe I was presenting the     Spoiler:- "DO NOT CLICK THIS SPOILER >_<:
    Legendaries way too soon, but then again, it all worked out well in the end. Chapter three is going to certainly change you guys' opinions on a character or two... hint hint...

    Anyways, back to work for me!

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  12. #12
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    This is very descriptive and very well written!! looking forward to chapter 3!!

    P.S. Thanx for reviewing my story!
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    Good description, great charicters, and a crazy mew.
    I saw no grammer mistakes, which me like
    Very good. I'll be waiting.
    -KingT
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    Howdy! Listen I have to tell you something, I never expected a fic to give me as interested in it as DJ to appear so soon, and it didn't... BUT yours is almost there! Even though I have only read chapter 1, I can see that you my European friend, have quite a promising road ahead of you!

    As for the chapter itself, excellent description, brilliant dialog and great comedy make the first chapter really great and wanting for more! Umbreon and Espeon are over used in fics, but I don't find that a bad thing as long as the ppl who use them don't give them (or any other pokemon) a bad name, and you just make their reputation boost.

    And as a fellow author myself AND a portuguese speaker, I know how hard it is to think of entertainning dialogs in English and harder to make them fit. If I did not knew you from reviewing Dj, and if I had not seen your username, I would have guessed you were an english native speaker.

    I will read the next chapter tomorrow morning and I do intend to give a more thourough review, so see you then.

    P.S: I seem to have noticed Noctalli was shiny, is it true or did I missunderstood something?
    Last edited by niedude; 22nd January 2008 at 9:07 PM.

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    Why, thanks for the reviews, KingT and Niedude! It's quite the inspiration.

    Niedude - no worries, I'm not even as interested in this as I am in DJ. >_< Call me crazy. I thank you so much for the compliments as far as language go; I wouldn't consider myself on the level of a native "speaker" by a far cry; after all, writing and speaking are two very different things. Thanks for the compliment, though.

    And yes, Noctali (one "L" there, mate), is a shiny. There's actually a bit of a background to that that shall be revealed in coming chapters, as well. Heck, there's little cookies to be awarded all over the place for those who can pick up on all the little things I've thrown into Noctali and Mentali. (Can anyone figure out what's with their names? Anybody at all? o_O) And in that train of thought, anyone here know what Nationality I am, anyways? (AND! On the European bit, well... yes, I'm from Europe of course, but I currently live in the States with a nifty little thing called Dual Citizenship. ...Though it's really like, triple... anywho. MORE ON THAT LATER.)

    Anyways, I should shut up now. Once you read chapter two, you'll understand a little bit more into Noctali and Mentali's existence. ...I hope...? Yeah, that. Thanks again!

    A Random Note to You People Who Are Reading This: I just started the second term of my final year of secondary school, so... yeah. You probably won't see much out of me until this weekend, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to have chapter three done by that time. I was just assigned two essays that are due Friday... so... NO Trek writing will be happening on my part, sorry. Education first, as they say...

    ~Jean
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 22nd January 2008 at 10:48 PM.

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  16. #16
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    Hey man, this is pretty good. Excellant description and original idea. No grammatical errors that are visible.

  17. #17
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    Hello there! Sorry for reviewing a day late but I had a test today so I had to study extra hard yesterday… On to the review: The chapter was amazing, excellently described, hugely entertaining and incredibly easy and pleasant to read. You make us readers swim through your chapters, always understandingly perfectly the surrounding environment both physically and mentally. I am looking forward to your next works.

    And I remember you offering a cookie to whoever found a meaning to the twins names am I right?
    This is what I know, Noctali comes from Night, Nocturnal, darkness. Mentali comes from mind, thoughts. This only judging from the Ment and Noct parts, the ALI parts are a complete mystery to me.

    Also, Noctali loves the sun and Mentalli is fonder off darkness. Their evolutions got mixed up didn’t they? Nah it is obvious you chose that to add CD.

    Found something:

    « EXACTLY my point, » Noctali interrupted impatiently, scaling the ridge yet again.
    I thought that Noctali was speaking, I doubt he interrupted himself…

    So they have an older sister, and that sister is a very powerful jolteon? Cool, hope to see her sometime soon.

    About the strange creatures called “Ancients”, Johto’s ancient is a Celebi.

    I loved the comedy parts, especially since it involved such a high up, and what’s up with joking with raikou and zapdos? XD And I think it is a Mew, the pink one that is…

    So, so far I recognized Mew, Celeby and Jirachi as ancients. And is Arcy Arceus? 8O

    These were bits and pieces I wrote while reading, so they appear in the order I thought of them, and also the order things happened on the chapter.

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    Oh, wow. *faceplants* I totally didn't even catch that. Silly me, it should be Mentali interrupting. I'm going to back-edit that one simply because it may confuse future readers... yikes.

    Thank you for the wonderful compliments, Niedude. *blushes* I've never had my writing described with such imagery before. I see you're either very good at reading into my plot and characters, or I'm one of those incredibly OBVIOUS writers... here's hoping it's not so much the latter.

    *gives half a cookie* You've got the literal meanings of their names down, and that's deserving of something. However, there's a slightly more obvious mystery to their names. (PARADOXES RULE!) And the cookies still stand to whoever uncovers it.

    Um, about all the points you brought up, I'm not going to give any yes's, no's, confirmations, or the likewise in public. =P At least, not until I post more of the story, that is. Although EVERYTHING so far is fairly obvious, yeah... I just don't like giving away too terribly much outside of what is given away within the text itself. You the readers, however, may discuss and bicker and what have you - to your heart's implosive content.

    Um, the line you wrote about Johto. Yeah... Johto has Celebi... is this just an observation, or what? (I can't tell if your implying a question, posing a counterpoint, or just randomly stating something... >_< Rough day at school, zap me.)

    And I'm going to stop talking before I make a hypocrite of myself. o_o;

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jean de Kotennoh. View Post
    Oh, wow. *faceplants* I totally didn't even catch that. Silly me, it should be Mentali interrupting. I'm going to back-edit that one simply because it may confuse future readers... yikes.

    Thank you for the wonderful compliments, Niedude. *blushes* I've never had my writing described with such imagery before. I see you're either very good at reading into my plot and characters, or I'm one of those incredibly OBVIOUS writers... here's hoping it's not so much the latter.

    *gives half a cookie* You've got the literal meanings of their names down, and that's deserving of something. However, there's a slightly more obvious mystery to their names. (PARADOXES RULE!) And the cookies still stand to whoever uncovers it.

    Um, about all the points you brought up, I'm not going to give any yes's, no's, confirmations, or the likewise in public. =P At least, not until I post more of the story, that is. Although EVERYTHING so far is fairly obvious, yeah... I just don't like giving away too terribly much outside of what is given away within the text itself. You the readers, however, may discuss and bicker and what have you - to your heart's implosive content.

    Um, the line you wrote about Johto. Yeah... Johto has Celebi... is this just an observation, or what? (I can't tell if your implying a question, posing a counterpoint, or just randomly stating something... >_< Rough day at school, zap me.)

    And I'm going to stop talking before I make a hypocrite of myself. o_o;
    You are not an easy writter to uncover, the plot is still pretty much covered. I only guessed celebi because... I dunno why but before I edited my random scriblings I was thinking of a Xatu.....

    Oh and yes, it was a random statement.... And one error out of all you wrote is an incredibly good ratio! I myself give a thousand errors each chapter, and another thing I have to add... Whenever I read your fic, I get an incontrolable urge to become a perfectionist while writting my own chapters, don't ask me why, probably because of the potential your fic has.

  20. #20
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    *whistles* very nice. Thoroughly enjoyable story you have thus far - even with the main characters of Espeon and Umbreon, you have eradicated form the beginning any chance of this being one of the stories that are frowned upon for having such characters (my story has them as well, by the way ). A shiny Umbreon is even put in well here, and the fact that it may have a factor in the plot is intriguing. (Truth be told - I spotted that it was shiny in the first chapter - blue rings being the give away).
    I do like the character's personalities, both major and minor - they are believable, and sometimes amusing. This has also help with your choice of main characters.

    The main highlight of this story (which I think is pretty obvious) is the description used - it is very free-flowing. Sometimes, however, it gets the better of itself, and the description seems a bit too much. I think the real problem there is the sentence structure rather than the amount of description used (don't go less on that), or rather, the sentence length. Sometimes the sentence just drags on a tad, making it seem longer and such. Shorter sentences, and more full stops in place of commas should help, but only a little bit mind, don't go overboard with it. *checks previous posts* Damn Mix for mentioning that earlier...

    The word choice employed is wide and very nice to read - and I ended up learning a word there

    It's also has a nice plot developing, a second strength of this story - although it did take a while to start off, given the 'filler' stuff going on beforehand. I'm certainly intrigued by this, and this story is setting itself up to being quite a success at this rate.

    The fic being set in Johto only further increases my interest.

    having decided that a slight monetary loss was nothing compared to the forfeiture of such a grand day at a Port City.
    Minor, but should 'Port' be capitalised? I'd say it can be taken either way...
    « Um, » the Espeon faltered. « Thanks, but… I don’t partake of pre-digested meat products terribly often… »

    The Houndour didn’t seem to know what to make of this. He nodded to the meat once more, and when the Espeon merely slumped in consternation, assuming the Pokémon to be misfortunately incompetent, he chose to speak.

    « You no want? » he quipped, tilting his head to the right in a cute display of curiosity. « You no hit me for it? »

    « No, I don’t – wait, hit you? Why would I hit you for it? » the Espeon asked, fully uncurling himself to stand properly. « Wait, let us try this again. Hello. My name’s Mentali and I don’t want your food. What’s your name? » Truth be told, he didn’t exactly want the strange Hound’s presence at all; he’d rather go back to sleep and while away the hours.
    I quite liked that scene there. Quite amusing. The occasional joke you put in there are well situated, and break up the sometimes repetitive pace of the story - that is, just before it starts feeling similar.

    One minor qualm here - whenever the Pokemon talk (e.g. <I'm saying something!> ), the word immediately following the 'dialogue' is either Capitalised or not capitalised inconsistently - sometimes it feels uncomfortable, and IMO could be more often than not without the capital. Stick to one or the other when it can be either, not both, and use the right one when necessary. I think you might know what I mean...

    Btw, are you from
        Spoiler:- somewhat uneducated guess::


    Anyway, very nice, and don't let the nitpicks get away from how good this story has been thus far. And don't rush getting the next chapter done - would rather a long wait for a great chapter, than a short wait for one not so good. Not much else for me to say here that hasn't been mentioned already, but that this is another fic which I shall ardently follow, and keep up the good work!

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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    Bobandbill, thank you so very much for that review! I love getting feedback on what needs improvement... and it seems that accursed sentence structuring is still the main point. I do see the points you're making with speaker tags... and I'll be honest, I had the guide (written by Psychic, I do believe) opened while I was editing this chapter, trying to understand when to capitalize and when not to... but ultimately, I just plain don't understand 100% yet. That, and the Auto Correct function of my MS Word program always wants to screw around with my « » marks (no clue what they're called in English, NOT quoation marks), because it thinks that there should be double spaces around them. So, to get rid of the squiggly green lines that start popping up, it ends up spacing it out and placing a capital, more often than not... and because I'm not sure, I tend to go with whatever it says.

    Which is evidently incorrect some of the time.

    (I'm going to have to find a Beta who's good with speaker tags... *makes note to self*)

    And ahah!     Spoiler:- We have a winner!:
    (For some reason, the accented "a" will not show up right on here... imagine it in place of the ?*, please...)

    Anyways.

    I thank you again for your grammatical honesty, I will certainly try even harder to work out these little kinks. And also, thanks for the comments on my humor. I always worry about that; sometimes I feel I've made an incredibly dumb joke... sometimes one that no one will catch... you get the drift. At any rate, it's good to hear that they're appreciated.

    On the note of Chapitre 3... it's going to be a good whiel before it's out. In addition to the maddening hassle that is American High School (ENGLISH CLASS ESSAYS... >_<), it's going to be a larger chapter than the first two by nearly 2,000 words, based on my planning. A lot happens, obviously. (For reference, the first two chapters both finished right around 4,000 words.)

    And I'm thinking of putting up an official PM list; there seem to be enough of you who say you'll follow this, so... thoughts?

    Until the next time,

    ~Jean
    Last edited by Jean de Kotennoh.; 25th January 2008 at 3:08 AM. Reason: L'accent grave ne marchait pas...

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    Well, I can save you the trouble about the speaker tags - I personally would treat them just like quotation marks, and have the same rules for dialogue apply really. If both sentences could be 'linked together' to make one sentence, (as if you used a comma before the quotation mark in normal dialogue in some instances), then don't use a capital. E.g.:

    <I am a duck!> cried the Psyduck.
    And then there's the other way - if the following sentence is separate from the dialogue - and is not describing the manner of how the sentence is said or the such in a way that can make the two sentences sound like one with a comma, or whatnot, then employ the capital.

    <I am a duck!> The man stared at this odd comment.
    Weird examples, but I think that those should help for at least the majority of cases. I believe that MS Word isn't really equipped for those things, only quotation marks (and even then it isn't helpful - confused me as well before...)

    No problem about the review - I tend to try and find something the writer can improve upon. I'm also qiute the lover for comedy, especially in fics.

    About the guess - basically, a mixture of all of them pointed me to that - in fact, had seen one of your psots outside this story which made me think 'Hmm, France'. However, I don't really know any French outside of 'Bonjour' and some other small words. So at times I don't have a clue what you are talking about...

    PM list - don't see why not really. Especially if there will be breaks interrupted by school (I also hate English essays).

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    Thank you so very much for the examples, Bobandbill! I guess the bottom line will be for me to ignore whatever confusion MS Word throws up and trust myself to actually employ the rules, then. *sweatdrop* Like I said, I'll do my best.

    By the way, that line in French pretty much just says "Congrats." (We're long-winded, especially in my family... but the French in general tend to be talkative little upstarts like myself.)

    Okay, so, PM List. I'm going to be (gasp!) unoriginal and follow everyone else's example of throwing it up in the first post. If you see your name on there and you don't want it there (or vice-versa, of course), simply let me know and I'll correct it.

        Spoiler:- Frilly Rant inside the Spoiler Tag for your convenience... sorry.:


    (/End Frilly Rant.)

    Off to do constructive things now.

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    Wow, I really love this. The description is really nice, and the characters are all so nice and distinct. A few errors I noticed:


    ...the roguish ivory-furred Pokémon slowed his frantic gallop to a more relaxed trot.
    Mentali isn't white, as you repeatedly mentioned. XD

    « I no have name, » the Houndour replied, dropping to his haunches and starting to pant. He offered no more on the matter.
    « Your words go fast, » the burdening beast spoke slowly. « My name Archie, what yours? »
    Then again, Archie could just be that stupid. I don't know.

    Again, I really like this story so far, though. Mentali is just so dignified that it's hilarious. I also loved how you made the Ancients so mean to each other! It's so much better than the annoying bubbly personalities most people give them. I love it.

    But yeah. Great work. PM list me. ^^
    Whee. I put this here just so my posts wouldn't look so ugly. You'd be amazed at how ugly they look without a siggy. Maybe later I'll put something of some consequence down here. Maybe. I'm kinda lazy. Oh well. Peace out, hommes.

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    Hello, Poygon181, and thank you very much for the review!

    Mentali isn't white, as you repeatedly mentioned. XD
    *headdesks* I can't immediately find that line, but I can tell you several things about it. Wherever it was, it was most likely referring to Noctali, not Mentali, because I was thinking of his black fur, and I always confuse the words ivory and ebony. So... yeah, should most likely say ebony, and refer to Noctali. I know that I would never call Mentali anything that I knew meant white. *admitting own stupidity here, ftw*

    Then again, Archie could just be that stupid. I don't know.
    You hit the proverbial nail on the head, mate. ...And um, not to give anything away, but ickle Archie has a lot more to do with the story than most would initially think. *evil grin*

    Again, I really like this story so far, though. Mentali is just so dignified that it's hilarious. I also loved how you made the Ancients so mean to each other! It's so much better than the annoying bubbly personalities most people give them. I love it.
    Mentali is that dignified, isn't he?! Although I tend to think of it as sickeningly hilarious. And yes, the Ancients... oh my, the fun I've had writing out their character sheets. Especially between Celi and Jiri. Jeez. Unfortunately, you may notice that I have left Mew with a bit of that bubblyness, though not nearly as much as I've seen employed by others. With him, it's more... random hyperactivity that will utterly clash with everything that he'll ever do and other plot-revealing things that I can't say!

    Thanks for the review! I'm glad people can read into things so well, I was honestly a little worried after the unsuccessful description of the very first Legendary Pokémon I premiered...

    And consider yourself PM Listed!

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