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Thread: Third Angel: Fallen [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    This is my first fanfiction.

    This may not be what you wanted to hear.

    In this story, many of the concepts are based on what I know about Pokemon Mystery Dungeon 2. However, the story and "dungeons" will have no relation to the game, as I'm trying to make this as original as an aspiring author like me possibly can.

    That means, this story is not dependent on the games when it comes to the story, characters, events, or the very world itself.

    Rated PG-13 for some elements that may not be suitable for younger children.

    Chapters:
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4
    Chapter 5

    Third Angel: Fallen
    Chapter 1:


    She opened her eyes groggily and immediately began to absorb her surroundings. Stone floor and walls, iron bars, a pile of dust in a corner…that was about all she could see from the angle she was at on the floor.

    She squirmed in an attempt to stand, and managed to throw herself into a sitting position before taking in her surroundings again. She could easily tell that she was in a dungeon, though any attempt to contemplate why that was so was blocked out by a rather painful headache. The door to her cell was-by the luck of the gods-open slightly. Unhesitating, she leaped up and ran for the door, as if expecting it to close right there and then and seal her away for all eternity.

    And then something pulled at her leg and she tripped, her face advancing towards some not-so—friendly cobblestones.

    After spitting out bits of rock and dust, the girl looked at her ankle to see a shackle around it, attached to the wall by a steel chain.

    Well, actually, she didn’t notice the fetter until some time later. She stared, expecting to see a pale-skinned and human leg, not one that was black and covered in fine fur.

    She didn’t recognize the rest of her body either. The rest of what she could see of her body was blue, except her torso, which was as black as her legs. Odd, round, white growths protruded from each of her forearms, probably made of bone. Her hands and feet were now paws with claws, faintly visible, and she even had tail. A tail!

    She screamed. The shrill sound echoed off the stone walls and out the open dungeon door. It still reverberated for a few seconds while the shackled creature panted and tried to gulp down a few lungfuls of air, frightened by her own shriek. “A dream”, she concluded simply, trying to calm herself down. “That’s all”. There was still some doubt pulling at her mind from how real all this felt, but she pushed it away.

    “Are you okay?”

    The little creature tensed and stood up, shooting her gaze over to the dungeon door. A figure crept in apprehensively looking around the cell before settling his gaze on her. Frightened, her lips drew back into a snarl and she growled, an action that surprised her.

    “Oh?” He blinked, surprised at her aggression. “No. No. I’m not here to hurt you.” He came closer, despite her suspicious glare, and leaned over so that his head was level with hers. “You’re frightened…”

    She narrowed her eyes, taking in the creature before her. He looked like a weasel, with orange fur and a cream belly. Where there was bone on her forearms, there were fins on his. He had a yellow collar on his neck and a split tail, which she thought were rather peculiar on a weasel.

    She didn’t reply to his observation, letting him lose interest and focus his attention on the fetter around her ankle. “Ah…I can help you with this”, he offered. He raised his claws to the ceiling, then brang them down in one fluid motion, breaking the chain connecting her to the wall.

    She gasped, surprised at the force of the blow, but the weasel-creature didn’t notice. He smiled to himself, though it fell slightly when he saw the shackle in his gaze. “Sorry…I’m afraid I can’t take that off without taking your leg with it.” He blinked. “Oh. Right, what’s your name?”

    It was probably at that point that she fully realized that she was not in a dream.

    “I…I…don’t know”, she replied simply. She racked her brain in an attempt to find her name, but it gave her no answer. It was blank.

    “Maybe you have amnesia? Well, don’t worry about it right now.” The weasel patted her shoulder sympathetically. “First, let’s get you out of here. Oh…and my name is Rigel, by the way.” He smiled to her and gave her a friendly wave as if to state this fact. “You’re going to need one too. I need to call you by something.”

    “You mean I have to pick a name?” she asked lowering her guard a bit. At least he seemed friendly.

    Rigel nodded.

    “I…see.” She furrowed her brow in thought. “I don’t think I could do that…”

    The weasel tilted his head a bit to the side to emphasize his confusion. “Why?”

    “I don’t even know what I look like!”

    At first, the creature before her looked stunned, his eyes wide and his mouth in the current shape of an “o”. After a short while, though, he was grinning ear to ear. “Well then, why don’t I show you?”

    There was no resisting the pull, unless she wanted to be dragged along the ground.

    “Here. It’s not the cleanest water, but at least you can see yourself in it.” Rigel padded over to what looked like part of a waterway just outside of her dungeon cell. He tugged her over to the edge impatiently. “Well? Go on.”

    She was hesitant to do so, mostly because of the sickly green algae that, if she looked hard enough, actually seemed to crawl up from the water to the edge. She went over anyway, trying her best to ignore what was now between her toes. And she looked down.

    And when she did, she saw a blue dog-shaped head with a pattern of a black mask on its face and two ruby eyes staring fearfully back at her. This…

    “Alright, now pick a name”, Rigel commented, a bit more impatient than she remembered.

    The ruby eyes blinked at her. Name…name…well, she’d have to pick something she could live with for a while. She didn’t think that she would get out of this situation anytime soon.

    “Navi”, she casually offered, picking the first thing on the top of her mind that sounded pleasant enough. It wasn’t her name. She knew that the moment it came from her mouth, but it’ll do for now.

    “Alright then, Navi”, her only company responded, “We’d best be getting you out of here. No use waiting around in here now.”

    ***

    Rigel tried his best to keep up a comfortable conversation with the newly named Navi behind him as he took them to the exit. She didn’t really respond at all. She just stared ahead, too confused with what was going on with her. He didn’t blame her either; waking up as a prisoner without any memory from before was bound to at least traumatize the poor thing.

    “Aye! Rigel! Ya’ done yet?”

    He looked up to see a Sentret near the entrance, glaring at him reproachfully. “I almost thought you was lost in there, ya’ lazy Buizel!”

    “Sorry Chara”, he muttered, rubbing the back of his head with his paw embarrassingly. Chara did have a tendency to be a worrier, even if she denied it. “I’ve been through this dungeon enough, though. I know my way around here like the way to the pond near town. I wouldn’t get lost.”

    “Don’t matter now Rige! We gots a client to escort back, and it’s late and…Oh! What do we have here?”

    He wasn’t too surprised when he heard a growl from behind him. “She’s what we heard earlier. You know…that scream from before? Her name’s Navi.” He glanced behind him. “She has amnesia and doesn’t know what in the world is going on, so she’s a bit frightened right now…” After the Riolu got the clue that Chara was a familiar, she stopped growling, but she was still very tense.

    “I see”, Chara responded. “Well I’m Chara. If ya’ need anything, just ask.” She gave a kind and gentle smile, but it didn’t help ease the Riolu. “So Rigel…” Chara turned to him. “What are we going to do with her?”

    “Well I thought…”, he pointed with his paw over to an anxious Squirtle just outside the exit, “…we’d better take our client back to town first.”

    ***

    “What’s a Poke-‘em-man?”

    Navi was then suddenly aware that she must’ve said something very strange. This probably had to do with the saucer-sized eyes staring at her and the silence stretched around her.

    “Your amnesia’s that bad?” It wasn’t the best response ever, but someone had to fill in the silence. Rigel then stood straight up and put a paw over his chest. “Pokemon is what we are! Me…” he moved his paw over so that it pointed to what Navi identified as a ball with rabbit ears and a raccoon tail talking to some creature a short distance away, “…Chara…” then, that same arm waved around in front of him, “…and everyone else. How could you forget that, of all things?”

    “Because I’m not a Pockee…Pooka…whatever! I’m human!”

    Another silence stretched between the two of them. It was different from the one before. This silence became colder and colder with each passing second and was impossible for her to fill up. To her dismay, Rigel didn’t even bother to.

    She mentally slapped herself. Of course he wouldn’t believe her. She was just like that random stranger that came up to you that said, even though they looked human, they were actually a chicken. Yup. A chicken. Now, give the chicken some birdseed.

    “ ‘Aye! Why’re you two so quiet? The base is right o’er this hill. Better get there now, instead of moping around.” Chara was now in front of them, propping up her small body on her large tail to get a better view. She pivoted on her tail to look at Navi. “The sooner we get there, the more time we have to think about what we’re going to do with ya’.”

    “She’s right. C‘mon! Let’s go!”, Rigel announced as if their previous conversation never existed. He lowered himself on all fours and ran off up the hill, Chara following suit.

    Navi scrambled up the hill as well, noting that said hill was quite a bit steeper than it appeared. At the top was a small sapling, taking advantage of its easy access to the sun. It was used as something to haul a weary Navi up.

    Over the hill was something that looked like a building and was made of hard stone and clay. It was attached to a small, rocky mountain, leading Navi to believe that the mountain could’ve been part of the building. As a roof, leaves larger than life were draped over, adding to the primitive look.

    “There it is”, said Chara beside her. “Our team base.”
    Last edited by Glitch; 7th September 2008 at 12:06 AM.

  2. #2
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    Heh. Not bad whatsoever for your first fic. I was attracted in by your title (very good, caught my eye) and I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't perfect, of course, but it looks to be a good start to a Mystery Dungeon fic.

    I'm going to be through here, so let's start with your description. You have the basics down, no question. However...some of it doesn't work correctly. It seems bare bones at times, like right here:

    Over the hill was something that looked like a building and was made of hard stone and clay. It was attached to a small, rocky mountain, leading Navi to believe that the mountain could’ve been part of the building. As a roof, leaves larger than life were draped over, adding to the primitive look.
    Not by any means bad, of course. But this is the main area where you can improve. One key to improving description is to make it sound interesting. It's difficult to explain, but if the description becomes boring to read and doesn't give a complete picture of the surroundings then it really doesn't work. Just reading some of the better fics on here will go a long ways in helping.

    And before I forget, at the beginning you did a very good job of describing the Pokemon. But at the end, you just said "The Sentret did this, or the Squirtle was over there." Always describe any new character, Pokemon or not.

    That said, of course, it still wasn't bad at all. Anyway, let's move on.

    Usually I don't really go into grammer, etc. but one thing you should look into was your puncuation. Sometimes you left the puncuation marks outside the quotation marks, other times not. Always make sure to put them inside the quotation marks.

    The door to her cell was-by the luck of the gods-open slightly.
    This part broke the flow of the chapter. Generally, when speaking from a third person narrative you wouldn't say something like this. It's better left to a thought or something said aloud. A small nitpick, however.

    And then something pulled at her leg and she tripped, her face advancing towards some not-so—friendly cobblestones.
    XD Not so friendly cobblestones? As opposed to the normal, friendly variety, right?

    It was probably at that point that she fully realized that she was not in a dream.
    This part, I feel, could have been elaborated on more. Emotions are a key part of a fic, and whenever an important event like this happens the character should always act according to the situation. However, seeing as Navi was suffering from amnesia (or something of the like) you get an out there. Just keep that in mind.

    Well, I apologize for the rather harsh sounding review, but don't get me wrong. This, for a first fic, was very good indeed. I'll hang around for the next chapter or two and see how this turns out, okay?

    Oh yeah. Really nice banner, BTW.

  3. #3
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    Not by any means bad, of course. But this is the main area where you can improve. One key to improving description is to make it sound interesting. It's difficult to explain, but if the description becomes boring to read and doesn't give a complete picture of the surroundings then it really doesn't work. Just reading some of the better fics on here will go a long ways in helping.
    Yes, that part seemed a bit awkward when I wrote it. I'll look into some of the fics. Thanks.

    And before I forget, at the beginning you did a very good job of describing the Pokemon. But at the end, you just said "The Sentret did this, or the Squirtle was over there." Always describe any new character, Pokemon or not.
    This was probably because I changed perspectives in the middle of the chapter. Of course, I probably should've added in some description anyway.

    This part broke the flow of the chapter. Generally, when speaking from a third person narrative you wouldn't say something like this. It's better left to a thought or something said aloud. A small nitpick, however.
    Ah, yes. I can see what you mean.

    XD Not so friendly cobblestones? As opposed to the normal, friendly variety, right?
    As long as they don't try to rush toward you to break your nose, cobblestones can be quite friendly.

    This part, I feel, could have been elaborated on more. Emotions are a key part of a fic, and whenever an important event like this happens the character should always act according to the situation. However, seeing as Navi was suffering from amnesia (or something of the like) you get an out there. Just keep that in mind.
    Yes, some parts were a bit too...flat in that elaboration. I'll see what I can do about that in future chapters.

    Oh, and you don't need to apologize. I'm actually quite flattered that I got such constructive critisism on my first chapter.

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  4. #4
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    Finally got a chapter up! I was a bit delayed because I was out of town. School problems aren't helping either.

    Just some introductions in this chapter. I decided to add a little snippet to the beginning of the chapter so some of you could get a little idea of where this fic is going.

    Now without furthur ado...

    Chapter 2

    “I wonder,” he begins, “how did you do it?”

    The dragon entered, his pearly skin reflecting off what little light there was. Two short and stiff, but gallant, wings protruded from his back that looked almost like a royal cape. Large gems, glittering and glowing with power, decored his shoulders, giving power to the ivory blades of claws that were sharp enough to rend the very essence of space. A white mask was placed on the dragon’s face, but it did nothing to hide the sneering smile or the glowing, red eyes.

    Across from him a creature lay sprawled on the floor. Each of its six legs were bound and shackled with a great holy power, burning the limbs of the creature. It’s wings, formless and depthless enough to match the shadows, hung limply at its sides. A helm of gold was placed on its head, and from under it the creature looked up at the dragon with dull eyes starved of life.

    “You’ve impressed me”, the dragon says. “You’ve successfully transported a human from world to world while your Orb is still in shards. Its no wonder The Alpha speaks so highly of you. I wonder if you will consider changing your mind?”

    For a few moments, nothing is said. Then, the creature lifts its head, just enough to look at its guest directly. “We do not belong”, it croaked, rough and weary but still holding the chimes of a female voice. “We are not meant to rule. You know this.”

    “How pitiful. Even though you are highly spoken of, you still seem rather wanting of common sense.” He took a step forward, noticing how the creature cringed and shrunk away as he came, eyes full of hatred and fear. “The only reason a heretic like you still exists is because The Alpha wishes it so, and I see no harm in indulging him a little.”

    The creature says nothing, only replying with a determined glare. The dragon matches it with a pleasant smile-before his hand snaps forward, claws wrapping themselves around the throat, and he yanks the creature up and slams its head against the wall. Its eyes widen in shock and a choked gasp escapes its agape maw, fast and quavering against the still air.

    “If, however”, he whispers lightly but direct enough to pierce the most tempered steel, “you continue with this little game of yours, I will have not hesitate killing your little pet you have such high hopes on. I have already sent some willing pawns to claim its life. No…not now. That would be quite a bore. I would first like to see how fun this game you play is…”

    ***


    Round holes were cut out of the walls, letting in the dim evening light to shine on the rust-colored adobe walls and veined gargantuan leaves that served as a roof for the dome. Only a few creatures ambled about, some talking amongst themselves and others turning their head to acknowledge the group that entered.

    “Well, well. The prey returns with a little treat in tow!”

    From its resting position on the doorframe, a figure draped its long body over it. Smooth, violet scales glistened in the twilight as it turned its head to face Navi in a fluid, but lethargic, movement. Eyes of gold twinkled at her in unfriendly curiosity.

    “You certainly took your time, Rigel,” the violet serpent purred, coming closer to Navi than she would’ve preferred. “A bit long for a trip to the rotting castle, but you brought back a quarry that will satisfy my tastes more than enough.”

    A tongue lashed out, almost touching Navi’s muzzle before flickering back in. Navi glanced over to Rigel to see if he had any signs of assisting her, but he only rolled his eyes.

    “Stop frightening her, Capella. You can’t eat anyone; that’s the rule. Besides, everyone knows that you can’t eat a Spearow’s egg without a good few days of coughing up your organs…”

    “Shut up, you stupid rodent!” Capella barked, jerking her head over to glare at Rigel at a speed blindingly fast in comparison to her lethargic movements before. Gold turned to a fiery amber in her eyes as she raised her head to strike…

    …but then she toppled down from her perch, the serpentine body squirming and flailing from the shock of the fall.

    A small distance away a beast padded over, round ears perked forward and yellow eyes regarding the serpent reproachfully. His fur was the same light blue color of Navi’s, except the navy blue on his hindquarters and wispy mane. A star on his tail seemed to crackle with electricity, as well as the golden rings on each foreleg, an occasional spark jumping between the two legs.

    “Ah, Polaris!” Rigel waved to him. “You didn’t have to do that. She wouldn’t have the nerve to strike.”

    Polaris shrugged, which was a bit odd to see on a creature like him, but it was a shrug nonetheless. “I wouldn’t be to certain. Capella’s in a particularly bad mood today, if that was even possible.” He then walked to Rigel, stepping on the subject seemingly absentmindedly on the way. “Chara checked your assignment off while you were distracted.” His eyes rolled over to glance at Navi. “Who is this? A new recruit?”

    “No. We found her when we rescued our original client. She lost her memory,” Rigel replied. “Can she use a refugee room?”

    “For a bit, but she’ll have to find somewhere else after awhile.”

    “Er…what’s…going on?” This voice came from Navi, unsure, confused, and slightly timid. What was this about recruits, assignments, refugees? And who were these creatures?

    “Oh, sorry.” Rigel turned to her and offered an apologetic smile. “I never did tell you, did I? This is the base of our team, Team Centaurus, where we come to gather or come to see requests we must work on. We get requested things such as rescuing, scouting out unexplored areas, or tracking down criminals. This here is Polaris, our team leader. He also founded this team.”

    “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

    “Ah…thank you…” She tried to fish out the right words from her mind. “Uh…”

    “Well come on!” Rigel says, grabbing her arm a little too hastily. “We have a room you can use for a bit. We mainly use them if we have to do rescues with clients from a long way away or escorts going from one place to another so that they can stay here for a day. That’s the charm of having a mountain as part of the team base…”

    And he talked on, though she only really followed in his steps rather than his speech, and she watched behind her as the violet snake grumbled off and the silent leader watched her go, never once grasping the look of nostalgia in his gaze.

    ***


    It was an odd thing. The construction probably started out as a bunch of soft hay, but as time went on, various types of cushioning were added on to it that, until much trial and error, looked like something that was not to be called by such a prosaic word like “bunch”, and had been termed “pile” instead.

    Navi rested on top of the fragile sheet of wool, which was probably meant to be a blanket, but served a better purpose as a barrier between her tender body and the odds and ends used as a mattress. Without anything to guard her from the chill of night, she contented herself with curling herself into a little ball, breathing stuttering gasps as her body shivered with a will of it’s own

    What would her old self do in a situation like this? Would she scream and mutter in panic, or would she suck it up and find a way to regain her home and former state? Would she even not care; take it in stride, since she didn’t have much of a life with to begin with? Was she jaded and enigmatic, or compassionate and benevolent? Who was she really?

    She squeezed her eyes shut, as if willing herself to go to sleep. She felt like a reincarnation of another person. Like a reflection, unused and unreal.

    “Navi?”

    She stiffened slightly in surprise, but slowly relaxed. “Rigel?”

    “I was thinking…” Her ear twitched involuntarily and heard her visitor shuffle a bit in uneasiness. “Maybe you were telling the truth.’

    “…About what?”

    “That you were human.”

    Silence, then Rigel spoke again.

    “I mean, you can recognize some things, like a tree or green grass. You’ve probably seen them before…but not Pokemon. You’ve never seen one. You can’t recognize them without your memory, but you can point out the sun. Or whatnot.”

    “I see,” Navi finally answered in a whisper that almost went unheard. “I hope you’re right.”

    “Well then, good night.”

    And then she heard his footsteps and their echoes as they tapped away at the stone floor until they grew so faint that she could swear that she only heard her imagination.

    After many hours of shivering in the cold with her eyes firmly shut, it was hard to notice when she finally drifted off into an unrestoring, weary sleep.
    Last edited by Glitch; 13th May 2008 at 3:18 AM.

  5. #5
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    Nice chapter. BTW, don't worry about how long it took. Most writers will take a week or so to post new chapters. Even if you complete more than one in that time, save it for later. Just keeping writing and have a nice little cushion to fall back on (by posting, I mean). I myself space my chapters out by about two weeks. Give plenty of time to work on them (with the length and whatnot). Anyway, just a bit of advice.

    On the whole, this was a fairly good chapter. Somewhat short, but it was (just) long enough. Description was a bit better in this one that the previous chapter, as well.

    Not much happened here (much). The beginning was the biggest thing, I would say. So, it seems Palkia has Giratina? Very interesting, indeed. Giratina is often portrayed as the villain in fics. It's a nice change, here. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Though it appears that way right now, we'll see.

    The Alpha (Arceus, am I right?) will also play quite an interesting role in this, I feel. The setup here seems quite interesting, as I love fics where the Legendaries are portrayed as actual characters, rather than just Overlords.

    The dragon entered, his pearly skin reflecting off what little light there was. Two short and stiff, but gallant, wings protruded from his back that looked almost like a royal cape. Large gems, glittering and glowing with power, decorated his shoulders, giving power to the ivory blades of claws that were sharp enough to rend the very essence of space. A white mask was placed on the dragon’s face, but it did nothing to hide the sneering smile or the glowing, red eyes.
    Corrections in bold. The first is a word that is unessecary, and should probably be removed. Secondly, though nice description, short, stiff and gallant wings is somewhat conflicting. Lastly, it is decorated, not decored.

    “You’ve impressed me”, the dragon says.
    For one, like I said earlier, the puncuation goes inside the quotation marks. I believe this was the only time this happened this chapter, so nice job there. Old habits die hard, don't they? And lastly, the tense was wrong in this scene. Remember, fics should always be in past tense. It's useful to keep that in mind.

    From its resting position on the doorframe, a figure draped its long body over it. Smooth, violet scales glistened in the twilight as it turned its head to face Navi in a fluid, but lethargic, movement. Eyes of gold twinkled at her in unfriendly curiosity.
    Very nice description here (especially for someone so new to writing...excellent). One thing I wanted to point out is your tendency to contradict your description. Like in the bolded section. It's not wrong, exactly. Just somewhat contradictory.

    One more thing I'd like to say is that introducing so many new characters at once can be somewhat overwhelming. A very good friend of mine (who has been writing for longer than I have) still has this very problem. The main problem is simply, even after the character is introduced, it is difficult to remember who each character is. Just (another) word of advice.

    Ah, reading back through this review I am afraid I am giving you the wrong idea. This chapter was quite good, similar to the first. I merely picked it apart just a little bit better this time. But don't get me wrong. I saw clear improvement in this one, which is all you can ever hope for anyway. The plot is also shaping up quite well, so no worried there. Good job, here, and I look forward to the next chapter.

  6. #6
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    Oh I see. That's nice to know, since I'll be busy for a while.

    Yes, it's a bit short, mostly because I rushed it.

    I mostly added in the beginning because of the lack of activity in the chapter and a bit of foreshadowing about where the plot is going. Giratina may not appear to be the villian, but we'll see...

    Yup, you're right. I assure you, Arceus will, indeed, be given an interesting role.

    The first is a word that is unessecary, and should probably be removed. Secondly, though nice description, short, stiff and gallant wings is somewhat conflicting. Lastly, it is decorated, not decored.
    I am, sadly, guilty of using unessesary words often in my writings. I can see where you're going with the conflicting descriptions as well.

    For one, like I said earlier, the puncuation goes inside the quotation marks. I believe this was the only time this happened this chapter, so nice job there. Old habits die hard, don't they? And lastly, the tense was wrong in this scene. Remember, fics should always be in past tense. It's useful to keep that in mind.
    Hah, whoops! At least it happened only once. Hm, yes, I've had that tense issue before, and I apparently still have it. XD I'll see what I can do about that.

    Very nice description here (especially for someone so new to writing...excellent). One thing I wanted to point out is your tendency to contradict your description. Like in the bolded section. It's not wrong, exactly. Just somewhat contradictory.
    Thank you! I'll try and keep those contradicting descriptions to a minimum

    One more thing I'd like to say is that introducing so many new characters at once can be somewhat overwhelming. A very good friend of mine (who has been writing for longer than I have) still has this very problem. The main problem is simply, even after the character is introduced, it is difficult to remember who each character is. Just (another) word of advice.
    Hm, I remember reading a fic like that, so I think I understand. There won't be many other characters introduced in the next few chapters, and any that do either will only play a short role, or be barely mentioned, so it will give the readers some time to get to know the current cast.

    Oh no please, the pickier the better. XD The plot will be very interesting, but I'm not going to attack it head on just yet, to be sure. Mind you, the next chapter will at least have some action in it this time, so it will still be interesting.

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  7. #7
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    Whoot! New banner!

    New chapter too, of course. I tried my best in the action sequence of this chapter for you action-lovers.

    Oh, and besides the bad guy,and possibly Giratina, it seems as if all the characters in this chapter are female. Hm...I promise it will even out eventually

    And without further ado:

    Chapter 3

    She saw, but not with her eyes, nothing. She heard, but not with her ears, breathing. She felt, but not with her body, shadow as it grabbed at her mind desperately.

    So…you have come.

    It was then that she saw a great monstrosity come to her. Piercing eyes illuminated the nothingness, allowing her to see the golden mask that hid the monster’s visage. Though she could barely tell, she could almost see strands of flat shadow following the beast. Immediately, a feeling of dead came over her.

    In your current state, you can’t do much.

    What did it mean by that?

    But I need you.

    Again, she was left confused at the beast’s words.

    So for now, you must beware. Survive and beware.

    Beware?

    Now awaken!

    -*-*-*-*-

    Navi’s eyes burst open like buds in the sun. Her voice, which blasted out a sharp outcry, began to ebb into a hollow whimper. Her paws had grasped the bedding in a constricting grip as terror continued to wreathe her features.

    There was shadow. She began to recall as her scarlet eyes stared at something far beyond the wall she cast her gaze on now. And a monster. Beware. Nothingness. Shadow. Monster. Beware. Nothing. Shadow, monster, beware, nothing. Shadow-monster-beware—

    And if she just focused on those words. If she recited them faster—

    Nothing.

    And yet still, those moments of her dream slipped away from her.

    Her gaze finally left the wall, and it took a moment for her to realize that she was sitting up. When she did, she brought her knees to her chest and hugged them like a frightened toddler. She felt as if there was something important in that dream that left her with terror when she awoke. A normal person would not want to remember something that gives them such a feeling of dread. But she was not normal. She was stuffed into a disproportional body, thrown into an alternate dimension, and stripped of all her memory. Surely even a little memory from a dream that leaves her in a cold sweat would be welcome.

    She bit her bottom lip, let herself calm down, then sighed.

    She slid of her bed and walked briskly, albeit shakily, out of her little cave of a room. There would be no good coming to her just sitting and moping about a dream. She had to do something, even if it is to ask around. Or get that stupid shackle off her foot…

    Indeed, as she was walking through the tunnel, the broken chain of her fetter rattled noisily on the rocky ground as she strode through the reverberating cavern, earning her curious glances or angry glares from some of the guests. She tried her best to ignore them until the rattling was muted on a smoother dustier floor.

    Navi looked around. She was in the same domed room she first saw when she entered the base. There were still some creatures about, but there was less than she saw yesterday.

    I should probably find Rigel, she thought to herself. Maybe he’ll have an idea of what to do next.

    As she scanned the vast room with her gaze, she caught something in the corner of her eye.

    It was a bulletin board, right next to the entrance. It was cluttered with papers, many of them overlapping each other or concealing another altogether. She trotted over, craning her neck back to see it better. She read a few:

    Help!!
    My friend hasn’t returned from the
    Temple of the Sea!
    Please find Him!
    Reward: Brown Gummi


    From the Guild of Discovery:
    We have heard of the secrets of the
    Erebus Catacombs.
    However, we must know of the hazards in such a place.
    Your Team has been requested to scout the catacombs.
    If you accept, please inform us.
    Reward: 5000 poke’


    Come one, come all!
    In the next full moon, many
    Teams will come to compete in the
    Pleiades plains.
    Do not miss this chance!
    1st place: Joy Ribbon
    2nd place: Pecha scarf
    3rd place: Apple

    She shook her head, not understanding all of the ideas and chaos on the board. As she did, she saw another bulletin board right on the other side of the entrance. This one had much less clutter, though there were still quite a bit of articles held up by various sharp objects that could be stabbed into a cork board. These were much more interesting, in Navi’s opinion, because of all the well done sketches on each. Though they were slightly different, all of the articles had at least a profile, or frontal sketch and the word WANTED written below it.

    “Ah, that’s our criminal board.”

    Navi yelped at the sudden remark and pivoted around sharply to see who disturbed her—

    --only to fall backwards from the momentum of the twist.

    Chara rocked back and forth on her tail as she looked at the board. If she noticed Navi’s reaction, she made no effort to acknowledge it. “Yep. They’ve been causin’ trouble ‘round these parts lately, those criminals. They’ve been makin’ us Teams more like bounty hunters than anything.”

    “R-really…” Navi pushed herself up into and standing position again, dusting herself off.

    “Mmhm! There’s a bunch that have large sums for their heads, like Kymella, Ortus, and Kell Bearous…”

    “…By the way…where’s Rigel?”

    “Oh, him?” Chara leaned back, looking as if she could fall at any second. “He went off to the Pygmy Forest for a mission this morning. He chose a really easy one this time—“

    “W-wai-wait! This morning?” But that means…

    Chara blinked. “Yep. It’s noontime! Did’ya sleep in?”

    Navi mentally slapped herself. That really helped. Now she’d have to find some way to pass the time. But…how long will she have to wait in the first place? “When do you think he’ll get back?”

    Chara surprised her with her reaction, which suddenly became more somber. “Well…he should’ve came back a few hours ago.”

    “Really?”

    “Yep”, Chara confirmed with a nod of her head…or body. “He wanted to have enough time to show you ‘round, so he picked an assignment that would only take a few hours. Pygmy Forest lives up to its name at being small, so it’s a bit strange that…” Chara then returned to her former self, losing any former essence of seriousness. “He’s probably slacking off somewhere anyhoo. Don’t worry about him. Even he can’t get stuck in a place like that. That’s usually where beginner Teams start.” And with that, Chara lowered from her perch on her tail and bounded off like a squirrel.

    Navi gritted her teeth and wrapped her arms around her tiny body. Of course she was worried, since he was the only person that has or will believe that she was human, and the one most likely to help her out of the mess that she was mercilessly hurled into, and not only that, but he saved her from rotting away in a dungeon.

    She looked at the ground…shifted…glanced at the entrance…turned her gaze back to the ground…shifted again…then slowly—very slowly—turned her head back to the entrance of the base.

    She had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a good idea.

    -*-*-*-*-

    “This isn’t a good idea,” Navi muttered.

    It was a bit too late to be thinking that, however. She swore she got the right directions, but this place definitely didn’t match her description as somewhere that could only take a few hours to go through.

    It was not at all friendly, especially during this snowless winter where the leafless trees looked like witches’ hands reaching out in a futile attempt to seize and strangle the cheery, blue sky that mocked at their earthly fate. Everything else about the place seemed barren. There were no ferns or sprouts or thorns, for they were a part of the layer of litter that Navi trudged her way through.

    She wanted to go back, wait it out at the base. But she was lost amidst the redundancy of the bare trees. She had to keep going.

    It was then that a figure burst out from behind her, making a loud entrance. Navi grabbed the nearest stick she could find and whipped around, readying herself for an attack. Instead, she saw the sleek figure of the serpent, Capella, in front of her.

    “What are you…” Capella didn’t finish, looking from Navi, to the stick, then back to Navi again.

    Immediately, Navi stuck the stick behind her, wondering if the snake thought she was deranged. “I’m looking for Rigel,” she stated to show that she was not intimidated.

    Capella continued to stare at her with a look of bewilderment and judgment in her eyes, then shook her head. “Oh.” And that was all she said. Oh. Then she cast her golden eyes over Navi’s shoulder as if orienting herself. “Well then Navi, do you know what a place like this is called?"

    Navi blinked, not understanding the question.

    “It’s what we like to call a dungeon. No, not in the way of a prison like you were in, but of a place like a maze, where many are doomed to lose their bearings. Not only that, but sometimes, fellow Pokemon attack passerby’s in places like this. I can handle them fine, but with such little skill like yours, well, I couldn’t help but intervene in your trek through here.”

    Navi mentally winced at the new wound of pride she now owned. But it was true, and if these strange crea…Pokemon really did attack others like the animals she thought them as, then she got herself into a lot more trouble than she thought. “What are you doing here?” she asked, changing the subject.

    “Oh, I’m supposed to drag that waterlogged Rigel back since he has some chores he’s supposed to do and—“ she stopped abruptly and swiveled her head to the side, her once calm breaths became short. “What is he doing here” she whispered so quietly that Navi almost didn’t catch it, then darted off with her confused companion following suit.

    It didn’t take Navi long to notice what Capella saw. There was an area before them that the layer of litter was cleared, as if thrown to the side, and the dirt floor was revealed. To one side of the area was Rigel’s orange body, lying lifeless on the forest floor. Another creature shared his fate nearby.

    But that was not what made the violet snake dash off.

    It was the eyes of blood that leered into their souls. Navi traced the visage in which the eyes belonged to find the ashen fur that covered the felon’s body and claws that could rip through intangible fog. A mane along the spine that looked as if it was cut from the dark cloth of night finished the impassionate soul.

    “Kell Bearos…the Mightyena…” Capella breathed beside her. And then Navi remembered…

    “Mmhm! There’s a bunch that have large sums for their heads, like Kymella, Ortus, and Kell Bearous…”

    Kell Bearos.

    Oh no…Please no…


    But her chain of thought was interrupted when the behemoth charged towards them, slamming Capella against the trunk of a tree before Navi could even react. She heard the serpent’s body thump sickeningly against the forest floor as the beast turned to deal with her.

    This wasn’t supposed to be happening…

    Navi was then flung against the ground and held fast by concussion, where, motionless, forlorn, she could only watch as the beast, as colorful as he is kind, approach and place a large paw on her chest. “What’s this?” the beast sneered as he lowered his head. “Is that a small heart? Hammering through the ribs? Yes?”

    Wolfish teeth glinted mercilessly at her.

    “Yes,” said Navi.

    “Poor creature. We can’t have that, now can we? Don’t you worry, I’ll stop it!”

    And to that the petrifying stare and the weight of the paw lurched away for an instant, before the claws were thrust back down and came to a squelching halt in her flesh. A shrill shriek burst from her compressed lungs and the paw was pulled away, her skin rippling as the claws were extracted. Anticipating another strike, her body ticked in to her reflexes and her leg kicked forward, connecting with the attacker’s forearm. Stunned and surprised, the behemoth reared back.

    Taking the opportunity, Navi rolled onto her wounded stomach and pushed herself up, then took a mad dash in a random direction. Then, she heard the hushed sound of scampering feet from behind her, and she instinctively half-fell, half-rolled, out of the way, barely dodging a wild swing.

    She leapt up to run again, but she suffered a blow to her arm, triggering another blood-curdling screech from her weakened lungs. Another sent her toppling to the ground, her body thrashing and convulsing in a futile attempt to shake off the pain.

    Navi stilled in a crooked mess, her eyes dulling of color as her energy went with it. She was losing…she was dying…she couldn’t bear the fear that wanted to burst inside her. Wasn’t the pain supposed to be going now? Wasn’t she supposed to go numb as she slipped away from this world. Why wasn’t she dead?

    Another force racked against her body yet again, taking away any energy left within her.

    Then, a familiar, ethereal voice…

    Get up!

    As if woundless, Navi rose to her feet. The beastly shriek escaped from her lips again, but this time, it was one of aggression as she launched herself to the behemoth to deliver one final blow.
    Last edited by Glitch; 2nd March 2008 at 1:37 AM.

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  8. #8
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    Wow. I apologize for my late review, but what a chapter I missed. Seriously, fantastic chapter. Big improvement, for sure, over previous chapters. A few problems, but nothing too difficult to handle.

    First of all, this is shaping up quite well, in regards of mystery. Giratina (which I presume is the reason for Navi's dream, etc.) is proving to be quite mysterious. I wonder...if it is being held by Palkia, can it still "control" Navi, for lack of a better word? Interesting...

    Reading this chapter, I was quite pleasantly surprised with your level of writing here. Description has become very good, although somewhat choppy at times, and is miles ahead of the beginning. Characterization isn't all that prevelant right now, but seeing as it's so early I wouldn't really expect it to be.

    One thing you might want to work on is the length of your chapters, however. Although by no means short, you may want to consider extending them a bit. I find myself, just as I settle in to read, being done already. XD

    Immediately, a feeling of dead came over her.
    I believe that should be dread.

    Navi’s eyes burst open like buds in the sun. Her voice, which blasted out a sharp outcry, began to ebb into a hollow whimper. Her paws had grasped the bedding in a constricting grip as terror continued to wreathe her features.

    There was shadow. She began to recall as her scarlet eyes stared at something far beyond the wall she cast her gaze on now. And a monster. Beware. Nothingness. Shadow. Monster. Beware. Nothing. Shadow, monster, beware, nothing. Shadow-monster-beware—

    And if she just focused on those words. If she recited them faster—

    Nothing.

    And yet still, those moments of her dream slipped away from her.
    Very, very good description and scene in general here.

    She slid off her bed and walked briskly, albeit shakily, out of her little cave of a room.
    Typo in bold.

    “Yep”, Chara confirmed with a nod of her head…or body.
    Now now. The last one of these I found.

    Well, I apologize for the short review, but believe me when I say that you have shown an excellent improvement. Keep this up, and you'll have a fantastic fic on your hands in no time.

  9. #9
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    Late reply is late. Why is it that everytime I can get on these forums, they're down?

    Reading this chapter, I was quite pleasantly surprised with your level of writing here. Description has become very good, although somewhat choppy at times, and is miles ahead of the beginning. Characterization isn't all that prevelant right now, but seeing as it's so early I wouldn't really expect it to be.
    That's good. I just hope I can maintain that level.

    One thing you might want to work on is the length of your chapters, however. Although by no means short, you may want to consider extending them a bit. I find myself, just as I settle in to read, being done already. XD
    Uh oh, I don't want that! XD I'll work on it.

    I partly blame those typos and recurring comma errors on my very, very old Word program (though I'll admit I'm still at fault for not proofreading as much as I really should).

    I've been a bit distracted lately since I recently bought a really nice video game and have been playing it 48 hours a day, but I'm now going to focus back on my fic, so I hope I can update soon.

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  10. #10
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    Wow. I'm late...but this is really a good fanfic! Makes me wonder about Navi, what exactly her intended role is. And poor Rigel...

    ...wait. You've been playing that game for 48 hours a day? Huh. Up till now, common believe had led me to beleive that each day was only 24 hours long.


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

  11. #11
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    I just found this and decided to read. And I have to say... wow! I really, really liked it! If this is really your first story, you have a lot of talent waiting to develop. Although there was a little error I picked up in Chapter Two...

    “I wonder,” he begins, “how did you do it?”

    The dragon entered, his pearly skin reflecting off what little light there was.
    “You’ve impressed me”, the dragon says.
    For a few moments, nothing is said. Then, the creature lifts its head, just enough to look at its guest directly. “We do not belong”, it croaked, rough and weary but still holding the chimes of a female voice.
    He took a step forward,
    The creature says nothing, only replying with a determined glare.
    Sorry to quote so much, but reread that scene, especially the parts I put in bold. I noticed that you repeatedly switch from present tense to past tense and back.

    ~GG~
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
    Visions Of Fate latest chapter: Chapter Twenty - The Abandoned House

  12. #12
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    Sweet, new readers! Thank you for reading!

    Wow. I'm late...but this is really a good fanfic! Makes me wonder about Navi, what exactly her intended role is. And poor Rigel...

    ...wait. You've been playing that game for 48 hours a day? Huh. Up till now, common believe had led me to beleive that each day was only 24 hours long.
    Believe me, her role will definitely be an interesting one. You won't be disappointed.

    Well, I tend to distort time when playing it. I like it that much. :P

    I just found this and decided to read. And I have to say... wow! I really, really liked it! If this is really your first story, you have a lot of talent waiting to develop. Although there was a little error I picked up in Chapter Two...
    It is my first (though I had some experience writing, I've never actually written something past five paragraphs), so thank you! I'm glad it is turning out well!

    About that error...

    Sorry to quote so much, but reread that scene, especially the parts I put in bold. I noticed that you repeatedly switch from present tense to past tense and back.
    No need to apologize. I'm glad you did it. Those darn tenses tend to be a pretty bad problem for me. I'm just going to have to watch out for them. Thank you.

    Fourth chapter is coming up...sometime. My writing mojo is a bit drained because of school, but at least I only have less than a month of that. Yeesh, well, I'll try to update as soon as I can.

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  13. #13
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    When you said you had stars as the names of your characters, I had to come over and read. =P

    (Aww damn you used Polaris...)

    You really have a good fic going on here! Your take on the already interesting plot of PMD2 made it even more interesting with the way you present the events. No matter how simple they are, you still describe them in such a sophisticated way.

    I also saw the gradual improvement of each chapter - 1 was good, 2 was real good, 3 was awesome.

    I found mistakes, but GG and duncan already pointed them out so meh.

    But a comment on this:
    Navi was then flung against the ground and held fast by concussion, where, motionless, forlorn, she could only watch as the beast, as colorful as he is kind, approach and place a large paw on her chest. “What’s this?” the beast sneered as he lowered his head. “Is that a small heart? Hammering through the ribs? Yes?”

    Wolfish teeth glinted mercilessly at her.

    “Yes,” said Navi.

    “Poor creature. We can’t have that, now can we? Don’t you worry, I’ll stop it!”
    The Mightyena's dialogue sounds so...uhh, how do I put it...unreal. I can't really imagine a heart hammering through ribs, and Navi would've been better off not replying at all. But, in any case, it was still a really good scene.

    She saw, but not with her eyes, nothing. She heard, but not with her ears, breathing. She felt, but not with her body, shadow as it grabbed at her mind desperately
    It was a perfect opening line IMO. It really caught my attention when I began reading Chapter 3.
    Navi’s eyes burst open like buds in the sun. Her voice, which blasted out a sharp outcry, began to ebb into a hollow whimper. Her paws had grasped the bedding in a constricting grip as terror continued to wreathe her features.

    There was shadow. She began to recall as her scarlet eyes stared at something far beyond the wall she cast her gaze on now. And a monster. Beware. Nothingness. Shadow. Monster. Beware. Nothing. Shadow, monster, beware, nothing. Shadow-monster-beware—

    And if she just focused on those words. If she recited them faster—

    Nothing.

    And yet still, those moments of her dream slipped away from her.
    I just loved this scene. It felt so...real, and it was written very well.

    I'm bad at criticizing...but all in all you really have a good fic! Keep writing!

    to extend our reach to the stars above

    fics: A Friday / Berries / Ever Grande / Stars / Wishes / Perish / Menu

  14. #14
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    When you said you had stars as the names of your characters, I had to come over and read. =P

    (Aww damn you used Polaris...)

    You really have a good fic going on here! Your take on the already interesting plot of PMD2 made it even more interesting with the way you present the events. No matter how simple they are, you still describe them in such a sophisticated way.

    I also saw the gradual improvement of each chapter - 1 was good, 2 was real good, 3 was awesome.

    I found mistakes, but GG and duncan already pointed them out so meh.
    Sorry about that.(Mwahaha! Yes! The North Star is all mine! (:<)

    Thank you! But keep in mind that the plot is not the same at all with PMD2. The only thing I think is similar, actually, is that a human turned into a pokemon, and that there's Exploration Teams, but that's about it.

    I'm glad I'm improving at a good rate, and I'm glad this chapter was awsome. I hope I don't dissapoint with the next.

    The Mightyena's dialogue sounds so...uhh, how do I put it...unreal. I can't really imagine a heart hammering through ribs, and Navi would've been better off not replying at all. But, in any case, it was still a really good scene.
    Hmm...good points. The Mightyena is a rather morbid character, in defense for that, but I can see that it is still is a bit strange sounding.

    It was a perfect opening line IMO. It really caught my attention when I began reading Chapter 3.
    Thank you! I was thinking it would end up being a bit cliche', but it seems to work.

    I just loved this scene. It felt so...real, and it was written very well.

    I'm bad at criticizing...but all in all you really have a good fic! Keep writing!
    Hee, yes, that scene seems to be a favorite. I'm glad it felt real, as I was worried it might've been a bit confusing.

    Oh no, you aren't bad at all. I appreciate the critisism.
    Last edited by Glitch; 9th May 2008 at 12:18 AM.

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  15. #15
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    Like, Omigod, I'm actually updating!

    Yeah, this story was beginning to get a bit stale in my mind after delaying if for so long, so I buckled down and finally finished it.

    It was killer, though. It's just one of those chapters you want to get over with. The last chapter was a bit dark, so I sprinkled this one with some humor.

    I'm pretty surprised I could squeeze out seven-and-a-half pages with this chapter. *whistles*

    (Oh yeah, I tend to suck at dialogue and there is so much of it in here. Yergh, I'm not used to it yet, but I'll improve.)

    Now without further ado...

    Chapter 4

    Naturally, after many a tale’s cliffhanger is a blackout, and after a blackout is an awakening. Considering its namesake, no less was expected. Far from the deserted clearing, the witches’ hands, and the rustling of the dry litter blanketing the ground, Navi came to. She blinked once, twice, thrice as she let the tranquility seep into her pores and flow around each strand of her fur. She was curious; why did such silence and peace feel so foreign as it encompassed her?

    A distorted groan was uttered as she managed to shift her position from laying down to sitting up. The fire crystals, their flame almost extinguished, that served as her eyes looked down at the layers of white that were wrapped around her small frame. She was bandaged from head to toe--if not more than that. There was a gob of them wrapped amateurishly around each of her legs, a lone one on her head, and a safe estimate of a dozen total on her torso.

    Then a memory came back to her, of the wolf shadow with a buring flame in his eyes. Kell Bearos, his name.

    A convulsional wave of shock racked her body and she fell back, her breath short and unstable. The once-faint tapping of footfalls and frantic voices became distinct and shook Navi’s battered form. She hugged herself and curled up into a little ball as the black rushed up into her vision and wash out the rest of her vision

    Not allowing herself to faint just yet, she concentrated on fighting the blackness. Once her sight cleared like a burst of dawn light, she saw that she was just inches away from clashing heads with Rigel’s.

    “DidIdoit?” Navi spat out immediately, letting her thoughts tumble out through her gaping jaws.

    At first, the weasel looked puzzled, but then the familiar figure of the Team leader Polaris appeared behind her, which she whirled around to see. The lion-like being sat down like the proud cat of the house, tall and mighty. “If you mean defeating Kell, then yes, you did. He ran off in fear.” But before victory washed over the girl, he went on, “But you were horribly wounded in the process.”

    “Huh? Really? But I just feel a little sore now. Nothing too bad.” And to prove this, she swung her legs to the side of the bed and leapt off, then began to march back and forth a few times like a child imitating a soldier. Polaris and Rigel, stared at her as if her head would explode at any given moment and the rest of her body would shoot off to the edges of the universe.

    Seeing as none of this happened, Polaris awkwardly replied, “Ah…I see that you’re fine. I thought you’d have to rest for about a week, but I guess you can go as well.”

    “As well? I wasn’t the only one?”

    “Well, Capella was also in pretty bad shape, but she was released shortly afterward since her injuries weren’t as bad.” Polaris then picked himself up and began to saunter out. “But you may want to consider a career as a Team member, if you heal so quickly without aid,” he said before he left.

    “I gotta’ agree with Polaris. That weird healing ability can be helpful,” Rigel piped up after the leader made his leave. “And if you can beat up a high-ranking outlaw, well heck! You might as well put those fighting skills to use!”

    “Fighting skills?” Navi lowered her gaze to her feet. “I’m afraid I don’t have any of that.”

    “What do you mean?” came a surprised reply.

    Navi bit her lip and began to fiddle with her paws. “Well, I barely remember a thing about beating up Kelly or whoever. I was running away most of the time.” She sighed heavily. “Really, I don’t know a thing about fighting.”

    She was surprised when Rigel only shrugged in response. “That’s fine. You probably are still a bit spacey from the amnesia, so you might’ve forgotten because of that,” he stated simply. When Navi began to protest, he went on, “We got training to help with that anyway. Really? What do you got to loose? It’s not like you have anywhere to go.”

    Shaking off Rigel’s reply, Navi went on, “But it seems to be a pretty dangerous job, and I don’t think…”

    “We got a place for you to sleep for as long as you like in the underground crew rooms,” Rigel interrupted. “If you join the Team, of course. We also have free food.”

    Navi’s eyes snapped up to see his welcoming gaze and pleasant smile. He really did seem suspiciously desperate to recruit her with all of these bribes. The promise of food and a place to sleep, though, was pretty tempting. Yet before she could even open her mouth to answer, Rigel continued on.

    “And Capella,” he purred as he waited for Navi to take the bait, “was strutting around earlier about how she was the one that chased off Kell Bearos, and how it was all her doing. Good thing I woke up in time to witness the real thing! But, you could teach her a lesson if you train with us. What do you say?”

    Oh, Navi took the bait all right, and to Rigel’s surprise she replied in an outburst of anger. “Why that stupid, purple tampon! I practically died, and she steals my effort for her glory! She was unconscious the whole time! Oh, when I get my hands on her I’ll…”

    Her voice began to die away as the anger was quickly replaced with self-consciousness. Despite the awkward air that seemed to follow her everywhere, Navi still managed to stand up straight, square her shoulders, clear her throat, and look at the bemused Rigel in the eye. “All right,” she managed. “I accept your offer to be recruited.”

    Rigel’s mouth was still gaping from surprise from Navi’s unexpected rant, but he shook his head and quickly regained his composure. “But what if it’s too dangerous for you?” he asked, mimicking Navi’s earlier comment.

    “I can deal with it,” she stated simply. Her pride began to override any hesitant feelings.

    “Are you sure you don’t want an easier job?” he questioned, still testing her.

    “Easier jobs probably won’t give me free food or shelter,” she replied.

    Rigel nodded. “All right then. It’s settled. You’re now a member of Team Centaurus! What in the world is a tampon anyway?”

    Much to the puzzlement of a confused Rigel, Navi began to choke on apparently nothing but air. When she could breathe again, she tried her best to change the subject to something completely unrelated to her special lady areas. “Uh…well…they are…you can say that they are…do I need to sign in or something to officially be a member?”

    “Oh, right!” Rigel exclaimed. “I almost forgot! Follow me.”

    ***

    “Name please?”

    “Navi.”

    “Navi? Harrumph. Alright…I’ll write that down.”

    The new creature took the leek it was holding, dipped it in ink, and then began to write with it on a piece of parchment. This creature resembled a duck with tan plumage and a small crest of feathers on his head. A black, V-shaped mark was on his forehead that resembled eyebrows pulled down in anger, resulting in an everlasting scowling expression.

    “Very well,” he said, “You may start under the Apprentice rank tomorrow.”

    Navi blinked in surprise. “That’s it? Is that all?”

    The leek-carrying duck glared at her in a condescending manner at the response. “Ahem! Getting in may be easy, but staying in is what someone of your sort will have trouble with! Now, I’ll go to get your badge, so no funny business!” He then marched off to the back off the room where he began to prod masses of clutter with his leek.

    Navi swiveled her head around to face Rigel, who was standing a little ways away at the entrance to the room. “Who is he?” she asked.

    “He’s Saiph the Farfetch’d. He’s second-in-command here and Polaris’s best friend.” Rigel then noticeably grimaced. “Though I can’t imagine anyone, especially the Team Leader, being friends with such a cranky guy…”

    He didn’t ever finish, as he was cut off by being struck in the nose by a flying vegetable.

    “Arehrrumph! I heard that, Apprentice! Mind your words around your superiors!”

    Rigel started massaging his tender muzzle, muttering a “Yessir” that could barely be heard. Navi shook her head disapprovingly, then continued to question to keep up the conversation. “So, you’re an Apprentice too?”

    Rigel continued rubbing his nose, but this time he seemed to do it more out of embarrassment than pain. “Well…yes. I haven’t been here that long. But I’m one of the best apprentices here!”

    “I’m sure,” Saiph muttered in a tone that was heavy with sarcasm as he walked back to them. “And is she from town?”

    “No”

    “I didn’t think so. Ahem, we don’t get many Riolu in these parts. It’d be a good idea to show her around.” With his wing, he handed Navi a small object. “It’s a badge of Team Centaurus. Hmph, don’t lose it!”

    She took the object and examined it, turning it around in her paws. It was a smooth stone with small, angelic wings on its sides. Its front had a pattern of a white-plumed arrow, and its back had a pin attached to it. She promptly put the badge on the pink bow she also received along with an items bag and a list of rules.

    “Hrrm, best read those rules if you don’t want to get in trouble. And you may use the bag for holding supplies when you go on a mission or fulfill an assignment.”

    “What about the bow?” Navi asked as she tied the aforementioned object around her neck.

    “Oh, that? It doesn’t have much of a purpose beyond a place to carry your badge.”

    Navi’s ear twitched as she heard the faintest scoff behind her. “I’d rather save my Poke’ for a Power Band than something that frilly…”

    Saiph “Harrumphed” once, silencing the interruption, then turned to face it. “Rigel! I wouldn’t talk if I were you, since we all know who came out of the recovery room with…Ahem…pink frills covering the whole body.”

    Rigel didn’t bother hiding his grimace at that. “I didn’t choose to do that. The Chansey nurse just didn’t have any other patients and nothing better to do.”

    “Humph! That still doesn’t mean I trust your judgment, Rigel. Especially with this new recruit you seem to think so highly of.” And Saiph glanced at Navi with a look that was all but comforting, causing her to recoil. She would’ve much preferred to be left alone than get dragged into a fight with a duck with a deadly leek against a two-tailed otter.

    “Don’t say that! Polaris also said Navi should join. Besides you didn’t see her beat up Kell Bearos back then. She was awesome! I mean, heck, she sent that 'high-ranked' criminal packing in no time when I woke up there!”

    “Uh,” Navi began to protest, but she lost her nerve when the two tongue warriors looked at her. She would’ve just stopped to let them continue their verbal brawl, but their stares begged for some kind of response. “Uh…um…yeah. Basically. What he said.”

    “Feh! I’m not one to question our leader’s decisions, but, ahem, I have to wonder what compelled him this time. This little girl here doesn’t look like much, and about beating up Kell…”

    At that very moment, the Leader of Team Centaurus made his entrance, quieting the feud instantly with his presence. Before anyone could recover from the shock of an authority figure suddenly walking in on the conversation, Polaris spoke the very words that were salvation to poor Navi.

    “Saiph. I’m rather exhausted. Should we retire for the night?”

    ~*~*~

    As opposed to the refugee rooms, the crew rooms were apparently underground. That was not necessarily a bad thing. It just meant that Navi would have to deal with listening to the verbal weapons clang against each other in the background for a while longer.

    Both her and Polaris kept silent, not wanting to get dragged into something that was on the verge of resembling bloody bits of fur and feathers with a leek thrown in between. Actually, Polaris didn’t seem to mind the shouting, suggesting that this probably wasn’t the first time something like this happened. She did notice, though, that whenever the argument drifted to a topic about her and her skills, the Team Leader would preoccupy her by pointing out some key places in the base. He’ll say things like: “That way is to the Mess Hall. That is where you’ll eat in the evenings.” or “This way leads to the Recovery Room, where you’ll be treated for your injuries. The nurse is a bit…eccentric, however, I’d be careful about doing anything out of your league.”

    Once they made it to the crew rooms, Saiph said some parting words (that, in Navi’s opinion, reminded her of barbed wire), Rigel offered a gesture of goodbye (which was the most ridiculous face she had ever seen) and the lion and the duck left, leaving her with a crazy orange otter.

    “So what now?” she dared to ask.

    Rigel yawned, which seemed to suffice as an answer. “I’m tired, so I’m going to my room.”

    “Well I’m not sleepy.”

    “Of course you aren’t! You’ve been asleep for a whole day!” He yawned again. “I’m going now. You can room with me if you want.” And at that, he strode into the dark tunnel, occasionally rubbing his eyes as he went. With nothing better to do, Navi followed him. Apparently, she was going to have to force herself to sleep tonight.

    ~*~*~

    Her rage continued to grow as she stormed through town. She made no attempt to hide it, and so passersby let themselves fall to walking on the other side of the path when she came. She didn’t mind this, as she really wasn’t in the mood to be talked to at the moment.

    Oh yes, that little Sea-Rattata Rigel gave a generous offering to her fire of fury when he revealed her true contribution to defeating the terrible criminal, Kell Bearos. Sure, she wasn’t the one that really defeated the Mightyena criminal, but she was the one that deserved the attention. Not some little girl that is here because of charity.

    Yes, Capella’s rage was focused on the newcomer, Navi, as she made her way out of town and into the small forest where she usually went to calm herself when she was stressed out like this. It seemed that she was coming here more often in recent times.

    The small pond was still when she arrived, and she coiled her long body next to it and stared at the mirroring waters, dark with the night sky. She lost track of time and didn’t know exactly how long it took until she was interrupted.

    “What do you want with me!” cried a voice in the night.

    Capella started, recognizing the voice instantly. Kell Bearos. Remembering her last experience with him, she hesitated to go to the source of his outcry, but curiosity got the better of her and she began to slither over the dead leaves and foliage, careful to make as little sound as possible.

    When she arrived, she took to hiding behind the trunk of a large tree, hoping fervently that no one would look her way. Kell Bearos was, indeed, there along with two other figures that she couldn’t distinguish in the dark.

    “I had to go to such a wimpy place to get this stone! Then I got beaten by some stupid Riolu!”

    “A Riolu? I daresay, you don’t seem to be as dangerous as I heard if you could lose to such a Pokemon,” the first figure replied in a masculine tone with a fine accent. The Mightyena growled in a threatening manner, but the first figure did not acknowledge this. “They say the bauble you have there is a key to something.”

    “Yes,” replied the outlaw. “Yes. Yes. It is. It is the key to a great treasure, and it will all belong to me!”

    “I see,” the figure muttered, “I’m sorry to say that I’m going to have to take your trinket to access this 'treasure' of yours. My God requires it.”

    Kell Bearos snorted. “A God? Heh! Well too bad! It’s mine!”

    “And when I take it from you, it will be mine.”

    The Mightyena seemed to hint attacking this figure, but he froze instantly a split-second later. Capella saw why. The second figure appeared right in front of the outlaw, and it seemed like it had something pressed against his neck.

    “Good move, Bellatrix,” the first figure commended, “Now then, Kell Bearos, what will you do now?”

    A long pause stretched itself out between all who were present. Then the outlaw quickly backed up and turned to flee…

    But the second figure made one small movement, and the criminal, Kell Bearos, collapsed.

    When Capella squinted her eyes, she could make out the thin line on his neck that was slowly leaking out crimson. His eyes began to try to roll themselves up in his head as the two figures conversed.

    “He went down quite easily, didn’t he? That’s rather disappointing for such a wanted criminal,” the first figure said.

    “Yes,” came the reply from the second figure, noticeably deep, but with a feminine quality to it.

    “At least he has a high bounty on his head. Come, Bellatrix, let’s take him to the sheriff. We’ll be dining on Mightyena tonight.”

    It felt like an hour after the figures dragged the twitching body into the shadows before Capella came out from hiding, slowly making her way to where the action ensued.

    It was there that she noticed it.

    It was a small, round stone, that seemed to glow a deep violet. Yes, this was the stone that they spoke of, that apparently unlocked something special. Before the figures came to realize its absence, she quickly pocketed the stone in her cheek and slithered as fast as she could back to town, with her treasure in tow.

    ~~*~~*~~

    So...what do you think? I wonder, does Navi seem a bit passive to any of you? I'm trying to make her as real as possible, but since she doesn't even know her name, had a very extreme makeover, and doesn't even know any Pokemon (besides maybe Pikachu) it's a bit hard for me keep having her dragged from place to place.

    Has anyone else noticed that I can't keep the titles at a consistent font? Chappie 1 is normal, 2 has mysteriously turned freakishly small, and I think this one is bold. Hmm, I'm too lazy to edit.

    Also, I plan on rewriting the first chapter sometime, just for a heads up.
    Last edited by Glitch; 13th May 2008 at 4:13 AM.

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    If you look at my corrections, they are kinda the same all-around.

    She blinked once, twice, thrice as she let the tranquility seep into her pours and flow around each strand of her fur
    Shouldn't pours be, uhh, paws?

    then began to march back and forth a few times not unlike a child imitating a soldier
    Couldn't that be simplified to "like"? Or am I not understanding something? o.O

    When Navi began to protest, he went on. “We got training to help with that anyway. Really? What do you got to loose? It’s not like you have anywhere to go.”
    The period after "on" should be a comma, I believe.

    “We got a place for you to sleep for as long as you like in the underground crew rooms.” Rigel interrupted.
    The period after rooms should be a comma, and "for as long as you like" should be after rooms IMO.

    “And Capella,” he purred as he waited for Navi to take the bait, “Was strutting around earlier about how she was the one that chased off Kell Bearos,
    Unnecessary capitalization of "was".

    .Oh, Navi took the bait all right, and to Rigel’s surprise she replied in an outburst of anger. “Why that stupid, purple tampon!
    You have an extra period before "oh", and the period after "anger" should be a comma. On a side-note, I love Navi's reaction. =P

    “Very well,” he said. “You may start under the Apprentice rank tomorrow.”
    I believe the period after said should be a comma.

    “He’s Saiph the Farfetch’d. He’s second-in-command here and Polaris’s best friend.” Rigel then noticeably grimaced. “Though I can’t imagine anyone, especially the Team Leader, being friends with such a cranky guy…”
    The periods after "friend" and "grimaced" should be commas. And lol at cranky Farfetch'd. =P

    then continued to question to keep up the conversation. “So, you’re an Apprentice too?”
    I think "keep the conversation going" would sound better, and again...period --> comma.

    “I’m sure,” Saiph muttered in a tone that was heavy with sarcasm as he walked back to them. “And is she from town?”

    No
    Period --> comma. And there's a missing period after "No".

    “I didn’t think so. Ahem, we don’t get many Riolu in these parts. It’d be a good idea to show her around.” With his wing, he handed Navi a small object. “It’s a badge of Team Centaurus. Hmph, don’t lose it!”
    I just feel there should be some sort of "he said" somewhere after/between the two dialogues. Like, '“I didn’t think so. Ahem, we don’t get many Riolu in these parts. It’d be a good idea to show her around,” he said.' But I guess it's still fine.

    Its front had a pattern of a white-plumed arrow, and the back had a pin attached to it.
    the --> its IMO, since from "its front" it becomes "the back"...

    “Humph! That still doesn’t mean I trust your judgment, Rigel. Especially with this new recruit you seem to think so highly of.” And Saiph glanced at Navi with a look that was all but comforting, causing her to recoil.
    Again I feel there should be some form of "he said" after the dialogue. Something like '"“Humph! That still doesn’t mean I trust your judgment, Rigel. Especially with this new recruit you seem to think so highly of,” Saiph said as he glanced at Navi with a look that was all but comforting, causing her to recoil.' Of course, a word other than said would be better...

    “Don’t say that! Polaris also says Navi should join. Besides you didn’t see her beat up Kell Bearos back then. She was awesome! I mean, heck, she sent that “high-ranked” criminal packing in no time when I woke up there!”
    Since the action happened in the past, shouldn't says be said? And there should be a comma after "besides". And the double quotation marks of high-ranked should be single quotation marks (' ') since it's inside a dialogue.

    He’ll say things like: “That way is to the Mess Hall. That is where you’ll eat in the evenings,” or “This way leads to the Recovery Room, where you’ll be treated for your injuries.
    I think the colon is unnecessary, and this time the comma IMO should be a period since "or" isn't a speaker.

    She made no attempt to hide it, and so passerbyes let themselves fall to walking on the other side of the path when she came
    I think the correct plural form is "passersby".

    “I see,” the figure muttered. “I’m sorry to say that I’m going to have to take your trinket to access this “treasure” of yours. My God requires it.”
    Period --> comma. Double quotation marks --> single quotation marks.

    “Good move, Bellatrix,” the first figure commended. “Now then, Kell Bearos, what will you do now?”
    You know what I'm gonna say. =P


    Besides all of that nonsense, I really liked this chapter, especially the last scene. It opens up new ideas as to what the plot really is.

    I don't think Navi's too passive. I mean, considering who she's with, and her current sitaution, she has the right to be passive...

    And, btw, I'm still using Polaris in Stars. =P

    Great chapter. Keep it up!

    ~> DM

    to extend our reach to the stars above

    fics: A Friday / Berries / Ever Grande / Stars / Wishes / Perish / Menu

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    Oh, wow. Dang. I really suck at proofreading my own work. XD It was really late and I was very impatient, sadly. Or the Grammer Grim Reaper got to me during my huge break.

    I don't know what the heck happened to me with all of those weird period/comma mistakes. Lawl *faints from reading all of that*

    Besides all of that nonsense, I really liked this chapter, especially the last scene. It opens up new ideas as to what the plot really is.

    I don't think Navi's too passive. I mean, considering who she's with, and her current sitaution, she has the right to be passive...

    And, btw, I'm still using Polaris in Stars. =P

    Great chapter. Keep it up!
    Yeah, that's good. I was just thinking that since she's a bit slow to take action, especially in this chapter.

    Lawl, oh very well. You may use him.

    EDIT: I corrected some of those errors since there were so many, but I left some alone as markers of my expertise. (whatever that's supposed to mean)
    Last edited by Glitch; 13th May 2008 at 12:22 AM.

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    Sorry I didn't review when this was first posted, but I was in such a bad mood I don't know what I would've said.

    She hugged herself and curled up into a little ball as the black rushed up into her vision and wash out the rest of her vision
    The last part here doesn't really make sense.

    What do you got to loose?
    Loose should be lose.

    Why that stupid, purple tampon!
    No problem here; I just enjoyed this part. Good name for Capella!

    “No”
    It's already been pointed out, but you're missing a period here.

    Her rage continued to grow as she stormed through town.
    It took me a while to figure out who this was. Maybe you should say Capella's rage.

    ~GG~
    If names changes are ever implemented again, someone please PM me. I will not spend the rest of my time here labelled as a female because of my username.
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    Sorry I didn't review when this was first posted, but I was in such a bad mood I don't know what I would've said.
    Oh, that's fine. I'm a patient person.

    The last part here doesn't really make sense.
    Ah, I see. I missed that part. That one, I'm probably going to edit right now.

    Loose should be lose.
    Bad MS Word is very bad.

    No problem here; I just enjoyed this part. Good name for Capella!
    It is the perfect name, isn't it? Too bad Capella wasn't there at the time...

    It's already been pointed out, but you're missing a period here.
    DX

    It took me a while to figure out who this was. Maybe you should say Capella's rage.
    Well, actually, you weren't supposed to know who it was until later on in the paragraph/or once you see her name. Though, since I'm not the most experienced writer, it might not've come out as planned.
    Last edited by Glitch; 13th May 2008 at 3:41 AM.

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    Okay, about time you started getting readers. This was too good to go without reviewers for that long. XD

    Anyway, DM got all (but one) of the grammatical stuff I saw. Which was this:

    “And when I take it from you, it will me mine.”
    It will be mine, instead.

    Besides that, though, good chapter. The right length this time, I think. And description was also (mostly) done correctly, though this caught my eye:

    Naturally, after many a tale’s cliffhanger is a blackout, and after a blackout is an awakening. Considering its namesake, no less was expected. Far from the deserted clearing, the witches’ hands, and the rustling of the dry litter blanketing the ground, Navi came to. She blinked once, twice, thrice as she let the tranquility seep into her pores and flow around each strand of her fur. She was curious; why did such silence and peace feel so foreign as it encompassed her?
    Yeah...I think you might have tried a bit too hard here. It sounded a bit forced, and far too wordy for it's own good. However, it's a step in the right direction. Just...take it easy on us, okay?

    Rigel nodded. “All right then. It’s settled. You’re now a member of Team Centaurus! What in the world is a tampon anyway?”

    Much to the puzzlement of a confused Rigel, Navi began to choke on apparently nothing but air. When she could breathe again, she tried her best to change the subject to something completely unrelated to her special lady areas. “Uh…well…they are…you can say that they are…do I need to sign in or something to officially be a member?”
    Heh, like her reaction to that.

    In all, the chapter was again your best yet, IMO. Description took another big improvement (although it did seem like you were trying too hard in some places), and dialogue wasn't bad at all. The plot is also progressing quite nicely at this point, so I look forward to the next chapter. Good job.

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    Okay, about time you started getting readers. This was too good to go without reviewers for that long. XD
    Whom strangely spontaneously appeared right after I wrote up an awesome little summary in the Fan Fiction Catalog.

    A bit suspicious, me thinks...though I suppose that is what the catalog is for.

    On another note, I hope you weren't getting to lonely there being my only reviewer for quite some time.

    It will be mine, instead.
    Lawl, whoops!

    Yeah...I think you might have tried a bit too hard here. It sounded a bit forced, and far too wordy for it's own good. However, it's a step in the right direction. Just...take it easy on us, okay?
    Okies...but yeah, compared to the rest of the chapter, this part is rather wordy and forced. XP

    Heh, like her reaction to that.
    Heehee, it was one of my favorite parts to write.

    Ah, I'm glad I was able to improve even more with this one. I was beginning to think that I would've become a bit rusty during my break.
    Last edited by Glitch; 13th May 2008 at 4:13 AM.

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    This is really cool. I just noticed your banner adn decided to read it. At the beginning when Navi(haha, Zelda fairy)is waking up and falls, that part with the not so friendly cobblestone floor was funny. I was surprised when I found out that this was a Mystery Dungeon Story. Totally awesone again!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bashaken1 View Post
    This is really cool. I just noticed your banner adn decided to read it. At the beginning when Navi(haha, Zelda fairy)is waking up and falls, that part with the not so friendly cobblestone floor was funny. I was surprised when I found out that this was a Mystery Dungeon Story. Totally awesone again!
    Thank you! Haha, yeah, that is the name of the fairy isn't it? Though actually, I got the name from an alternate title for Gamma Cassiopeiae, a star(of course).

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    Just so you know, I have been reading your fic ever since you started posting it. And I'd just like to say you are doing an excellent job, especially considering the fact that this is your first fanfic.

    The description and the character development is really well done, and the plot seems to be really interesting too. I did notice some mistakes the first time I read it, but I'm pretty sure that they have all been mentioned by now, so I'll just make it a point to keep my eye open for the next chapter.

    I'm curious as to who these two mysterious figures are... they sure made quick work of Kell. For some reason I imagine Bellatrix being a Medicham. That's just a guess though. I also can't help but feel sorry for Kell now. You have me wondering now what you plan on doing with him.

    I really like Saiph too, and especially the interactions you have between him and Rigel. But he seems very similar to Chatot from PMD2 IMO. That's the only minor issue I can think of at the moment, and that is just me being picky anyway, so you don't have to pay it any mind if you so choose.

    Anyway, I'm liking what I see so far! Keep it up, I look forward to seeing more from you! ^^


    On Nsider I was known as Shadesninja.
    No need to call me by my full name. Focus will do just fine. Or you can call me FPE. You can save a second of writing that way! (and save me a second of reading *grins maniacally* Step 1 in world domination complete! Ah-Uh... I mean... um... well you see... grr... foiled again!)

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    Just so you know, I have been reading your fic ever since you started posting it. And I'd just like to say you are doing an excellent job, especially considering the fact that this is your first fanfic.
    Thank you!

    The description and the character development is really well done, and the plot seems to be really interesting too. I did notice some mistakes the first time I read it, but I'm pretty sure that they have all been mentioned by now, so I'll just make it a point to keep my eye open for the next chapter.
    I was having trouble with character development, so I'm glad its coming along nicely (as well as everything else).

    I'm curious as to who these two mysterious figures are... they sure made quick work of Kell. For some reason I imagine Bellatrix being a Medicham. That's just a guess though. I also can't help but feel sorry for Kell now. You have me wondering now what you plan on doing with him.
    *nods* Yep, they sure did. A Medicham could be possible, but you may remember that Bellatrix held something up to stop Kell in his tracks when he tried to attack. I doubt only a fist could stop him like that...

    Heh heh, Kell will appear a bit more, so you'll see soon.

    I really like Saiph too, and especially the interactions you have between him and Rigel. But he seems very similar to Chatot from PMD2 IMO. That's the only minor issue I can think of at the moment, and that is just me being picky anyway, so you don't have to pay it any mind if you so choose.
    True, true. He was inspired from Chatot, so he'll seem a lot like him at first glance. There will be plenty of differences later on though...

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