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Thread: Crossroads (not the Britney Spears Movie!!!)

  1. #1
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    Default Crossroads (not the Britney Spears Movie!!!)

    MWAHAHA, my second one shot of the day that's from my FF account! Meh, I just felt like putting them here. Tis oure fluff and nothing else and rated a nice PG13 so most will read. FLUFF WARNING: SHIPPING FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS MAY GET ATTACKED BY HUGE BURSTS OF FLUFF!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Crossroads

    Walking along the roads on an excruciatingly cold day wasn’t a good thing to do, but Ash, Brock, Max and May had to do it anyway to avoid camping out and freezing their butts off.

    ‘Come on, you guys. Aristo Town is only 5 miles and…hey!’ Max said. He looked at the PokeNav in his hands, it had blacked out! ‘The PokeNav went byebye…’ He said, almost crying. His sister pulled him into a hug.

    ‘Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be fine, Max.’ She said. She smiled at him.

    ‘May’s right, Max! We’ll keep on going and get to Aristo town if may name is Ashton Timothy Ketchum!!!’ He said, eyes blazing like coals in his head. May burst out laughing.

    ‘A-Ashton! …T-Tim…Timoth…Timothy!!!’ She laughed, in hysterics. Their other friend chuckled at them all. ‘C’mon, Brock! I mean, ASHTON TIMOTHY!!!’ May laughed to him, tears almost forming in her eyes.

    ‘Yeah it is kinda OHMYGAWD!!!’ Brock yelled, looking straight ahead with an enchanted look in his eyes. He sighed dreamily and ran at his top speed straight ahead. The others ran after him and eventually caught him with a girl. ‘You’re that coordinator I saw in the Kasena Contest!!!’ He yelled at her.

    The Kasena contest was a contest in the small town of Kasena. May, Brock, Ash and Max had gone there to check out the coordinators but May didn’t compete that time-her pokemon and herself were taking a short rest after getting their fourth ribbon. They had battled, and beaten, Robert, the winner of May’s first Grand Festival, the Hoenn Grand Festival. This girl, may remembered, was the girl that won the contest (and apparently, Brock’s heart). Although she was only May’s age, Brock was obviously falling head over heels for her.

    She was a beautiful girl, around May’s weight and height but with waist length literally golden hair and hazel coloured eyes. She had a pale face, but it suited her well. She was wearing a violet coloured coat on, wrapped around herself to avoid the bitter cold, black thick jeans and a blood red scarf and hat. She pulled the hat down to cover her ears and revealed blood red mittens. She smiled at him.

    ‘Yeah,’ She smiled at Brock. ‘I was lucky I won that, the last battle was a real clincher.’ May paused for a second.

    ‘Ah, you mean that guy, what was it…Lysander, that’s the one!’ She giggled at the girl. ‘I’m May by the way.’ May finished.

    ‘I’m Serenity Featherthrow and I know who you are, I’m quite a fan,’ Serenity smiled at May, shaking her hand. Ash then spoke up.

    ‘Um, not meaning to interrupt or anything but do you know where a town is? Our PokeNav blanked out.’

    ‘Mine did too but I’m on the way to the next contest in Aristo Town and I know these roads quite well. You can tag along if ya want to.’ She smiled, her golden hair flying away in the wind.

    ‘Yes, please.’ They all said in unison, gratefully. Serenity giggled.

    The wind strengths had picked up slightly and everyone was getting cold. Brock had offered to hug Serenity to keep each other warm but she passed with a smile, unlike many (okay, all) other girls.

    Max was struggling because of his smallness but Ash was keeping a firm lock on his hand to make sure he didn’t land in the snow. May was having a hard time too, due to her small figure but could manage. The snow was all in her hair, and every so often when the sun came out, it melted, but to be frozen again with more snow moments later. It was getting pretty tough out there.

    ‘Hey! Guys, the crossroads are up ahead!’ Serenity yelled to them, smiling even through this freezing blizzard. ‘There’s a small town with a pokemon center we can stay at just a mile or two straight ahead! Rubello Town!’

    ‘Ahh!’ May screamed. Her head and ears were plunged into freezing cold-her hat had been blown away! She ran after it through the thick and heavy snow, trudging past the others at a fast rate to get the preserver of warmth. She could swear she heard another person scream too but put it aside.

    The snow suddenly got heavier and you couldn’t see in front of you for more that half a foot. She desperately fumbled for her hat in the cold snow, with the cries of her friends behind her to come back. She was beginning to realise what a stupid mistake she had made when she suddenly felt something soft! She pulled it out of the snow and looked at the shape. She couldn’t make it out exactly but she was pretty sure it was her hat! The snow was starting to let up, too and, although the wind was still really bad, she could finally see!

    The hat felt weird, though, she thought, as she went back to her friends. She kept on having to pull it over her eyes and it was starting to get annoying. She had to be 20 feet away from her friends when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder! She screamed loudly.

    ‘May!’ Ash yelled. He rushed over to save his friend and saw another figure there along with a large something that couldn’t be human. It had to be a pokemon!

    ‘What are you doing with my hat, you crazed fan girl?!’ The someone said. May was shivering-not because of the cold-now. It was fear. Especially when that someone said her name. ‘M-M-May?’ It said.

    ‘Hmmmm…’ May thought. ‘That voice sounds kinda familiar…

    The snow was slowly getting lighter and the man (she guessed by the masculinity in his voice) wiped the snow off his face…to reveal a pale yet handsome face and a head of emerald green hair!

    ‘Drew?!’ May said, exited. The male smiled down at her as he plucked the hat off her…it was green! So that was why she thought it was weird! It was so big from Drew’s massive head! She hugged the male. ‘Drew! I haven’t seen you for years! Not since you left for Johto! What are you doing here on the Mirayan Islands?’ She asked. The snow was letting up even more and she could see the figure of his Flygon next to him! It smiled at her.

    ‘Gooooon! Fly fly goooon!’ It said (Translation: Nice to see you, red bandana girl the master talks about))

    ‘Hey there, squirt.’ Drew said, playfully for some reason. She didn’t really care until she heard “Aww”-ing. She sprung apart from Drew, cheeks blazing as she saw her companions. Serenity approached.

    ‘May, is this your boyfriend?’ She asked. May and Drew cried out in protest as Brock, Ash and Max laughed in hysterics. Serenity blushed and giggled slightly. ‘Sorry ‘bout that.’

    ‘U-uh…’ Drew began, blushing. ‘Do you guy want a ride to Rubello Town?’ he asked them, indicating Flygon. Everybody but Serenity said yes. They looked at her as if she had just said she wanted to eat a Caterpie: unbelieving.

    ‘I have a Salamance and Flygon. I Dragon Ride. The reason I didn’t get them out is because I didn’t want to tire them out in the blizzard. I guess seeing as Rubello’s only a mile away and they’ve had a rest I could use them.’

    ‘Serenity, can I come too?!’ Max said, excitedly. Serenity laughed and nodded.

    ‘Um…I’d better go too-‘ May began.

    ‘No! You haven’t seen Drew in years!’ Ash butted in.

    ‘We’ll go with him.’ Brock added. May smiled gratefully at them. Serenity released her two majestic pokemon and they all boarded their separate pokemon. Max waved to May and they were off.

    As Flygon was in the sky, Drew gave May something soft, tiny and red. Her hat.

    In the pokemon center, May looked outside the double screen doors of the lobby. She had a mug of hot chocolate in her hand and was wearing a red sweater and her red bandana. Her cheeks were presently red from the glowing warmth of the lobby fire. She smiled at the scene: the snow falling onto a frozen garden wonderland, with Drew’s and Serenity’s male and female Flygon getting to know each other.

    ‘They’re cute, aren’t they?’ Someone said. May turned around, careful not to spill the hot mixture. It was Drew, in his familiar violet jacket and black undershirt. She smiled and looked back at the Flygon.

    ‘Yeah. Serenity’s Flygon’s called Goggles, ya know.’ May said. Drew laughed.

    ‘Yeah. She’s weird. Almost as weird as a red loving brunette I know,’ Drew teased. May fake punched him. ‘Buuut…’ He hesitated. May tilted her head sideways at him. ‘She’s also kind, as much of an idiot and a weirdo she is. And she has a wonderful smile…she’s actually kinda beautiful actually.’ He said, flushing slightly, looking into her sapphire eyes. She was blushing too, but she turned to the window again.

    ‘Well I know this arrogant, obnoxious little sod,’ May said to him, still looking out the window. Drew laughed. ‘But obnoxious as he is…’ She saighed. ‘He’s actually pretty amazing…wonderful even,’ She grinned. ‘He isn’t doing too bad in the looks department, either.’ She looked back at him, into his laughing emerald eyes. But the thing is, they were laughing WITH her. Not AT her for once.

    ‘Well. This girl of mine. I really care for her…you might say I might even love her.’ He said. That did it for May. That was all she needed to know. They were inching closer in together, and their eyelids were gradually shutting. Drew’s did when their lips had to be less than half a centimetre apart but May’s were still open, slightly.

    ‘And who’s this girl?’ She asked. Drew laughed, his warm breath tickling her and blowing back the thin strands of her hair.

    ‘You, idiot.’ He whispered. Then, the gap was no more and his lips had covered hers in a gentle embrace. May could feel his fingers edging up her back, making her shiver inside and out, which Drew seemed to enjoy. His fingers and hand took their resting place on her neck, while his arm slid around her waist ever so slightly, as to not frighten the small girl. Her hand went around his back and tightly held on, almost for life.

    May couldn’t help thinking, in this wonderfully tight embrace and this shared kiss with the last person she expected it to be with, what caused this. And then she remembered. It was back in her room.

    It was a tiny. Stupid. Red. Hat.

    And it had brought her and her rival together.

    She just shrugged it off and began to kiss Drew back again.

  2. #2
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    I knew I had already read this !!
    Quoted form last time

    Quote Originally Posted by shadow_shipper View Post
    this was adorable

    I really loved the last sentences, was so true...but the part I had a bit of trouble understanding was

    Quote Originally Posted by flygonrulz View Post
    The hat felt weird, though, she thought, as she went back to her friends. She kept on having to pull it over her eyes and it was starting to get annoying. She had to be 20 feet away from her friends when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder! She screamed loudly.

    ‘May!’ Ash yelled. He rushed over to save his friend and saw another figure there along with a large something that couldn’t be human. It had to be a pokemon!

    ‘What are you doing with my hat, you crazed fan girl?!’ The someone said. May was shivering-not because of the cold-now. It was fear. Especially when that someone said her name. ‘M-M-May?’ It said.
    the second paragraph was Ash talking, but he's not near May, and the third one is Drew not knowing it's her, until he stuttered her name, right ?

    Serenity is you obviously I loved your character <3

    It's all very cute, great job !
    Yeah, I'm lazy, so shoot me
    Good job, just a bit dissapointed that not much has changed
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

  3. #3
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    Okays, I will review as well.

    First off, whaaaaat? I barely understood what was going on here. We have one thing, and then another, and another... good lord!

    Okay, I'll have to point it out. For example:

    Walking along the roads on an excruciatingly cold day wasn’t a good thing to do, but Ash, Brock, Max and May had to do it anyway to avoid camping out and freezing their butts off.
    ... Eh? Your introduction sounds very weak and is lacking in description. Where are the character descriptions? Where were they? Why were they walking there in the first place? Background information, please.

    ‘Come on, you guys. Aristo Town is only 5 miles and…hey!’ Max said. He looked at the PokeNav in his hands, it had blacked out! ‘The PokeNav went byebye…’ He said, almost crying. His sister pulled him into a hug.
    Whoa, wait a second, this seems very out of character for Max to do. He doesn't just cry easily at something like this. From what I know of Max, it is unlikely for him to say 'The PokeNav went byebye'. And what is this Aristo Town you speak of? And this question keeps popping up into my head: what region are they in? That alone has me puzzled. Also, describe what the PokeNav looks like. Give us imagery!

    ‘Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be fine, Max.’ She said. She smiled at him.
    Okay, the last part could have been combined together like this:

    'Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine, Max,' she said, smiling at him.
    Now it makes a little more sense and has better balance. You see what I'm getting at?

    ‘Yeah it is kinda OHMYGAWD!!!’ Brock yelled, looking straight ahead with an enchanted look in his eyes.
    o.o; Oh-kay...

    The Kasena contest was a contest in the small town of Kasena.
    Eh? Is that all you're giving us about Kasena? I highly reccomend to give us more than just that. Don't just state the obvious, explain!

    This girl, may remembered, was the girl that won the contest (and apparently, Brock’s heart).
    You must mean May instead of may. Always proofread before showing your audience, and if you can't spot the mistakes yourself, have somebody else take a look at it. :3

    ‘Ahh!’ May screamed. Her head and ears were plunged into freezing cold-her hat had been blown away! She ran after it through the thick and heavy snow, trudging past the others at a fast rate to get the preserver of warmth. She could swear she heard another person scream too but put it aside.
    You have decent description but I must say, give May more emotion. I don't know, I got a very calm vibe of May saying that. Bring the characters to life!

    The hat felt weird, though, she thought, as she went back to her friends.
    Okay, when you're trying to make a character state what they're thinking, do make careful notion of that. Try this:

    The hat felt weird, though, she thought, as she went back to her friends.
    Now we know that she's thinking, and it makes it easier to see.

    She had to be 20 feet away from her friends when she felt a cold hand on her shoulder! She screamed loudly.
    Okay, now tell us how exactly did she scream loudly. I'm sorry if this souns like I'm picking you, but like I said, give them emotion. I'm barely grasping the characters.

    ‘Drew?!’ May said, exited.
    I believe you meant excited instead of exited, or else that gives the sentence a weird vibe. Remember, proofreading is your friend. Use it to your advantage! :3

    ‘U-uh…’ Drew began, blushing. ‘Do you guy want a ride to Rubello Town?’ he asked them, indicating Flygon.
    I'm sorry, I got a terrible image from that sentence. xD Do correct that, though. Ah yes, I forgot to say. You didn't describe Flygon at all! Don't assume that your audience is oing to know exactly what you're talking about just with the name of the pokemon. What if you had a reviewer who has never seen this series before? They'll be confused in an instant.

    ‘They’re cute, aren’t they?’ Someone said. May turned around, careful not to spill the hot mixture. It was Drew, in his familiar violet jacket and black undershirt.
    Okay, the fact that Drew said the word cute gives me vibes of out of character-ness. That's just... not in his character to say that. That sounds like something Harley or James would say.

    ‘Yeah. She’s weird. Almost as weird as a red loving brunette I know,’ Drew teased. May fake punched him. ‘Buuut…’ He hesitated. May tilted her head sideways at him. ‘She’s also kind, as much of an idiot and a weirdo she is. And she has a wonderful smile…she’s actually kinda beautiful actually.’ He said, flushing slightly, looking into her sapphire eyes. She was blushing too, but she turned to the window again.

    ‘Well I know this arrogant, obnoxious little sod,’ May said to him, still looking out the window. Drew laughed. ‘But obnoxious as he is…’ She saighed. ‘He’s actually pretty amazing…wonderful even,’ She grinned. ‘He isn’t doing too bad in the looks department, either.’ She looked back at him, into his laughing emerald eyes. But the thing is, they were laughing WITH her. Not AT her for once.

    ‘Well. This girl of mine. I really care for her…you might say I might even love her.’ He said. That did it for May. That was all she needed to know. They were inching closer in together, and their eyelids were gradually shutting. Drew’s did when their lips had to be less than half a centimetre apart but May’s were still open, slightly.

    ‘And who’s this girl?’ She asked. Drew laughed, his warm breath tickling her and blowing back the thin strands of her hair.

    ‘You, idiot.’ He whispered. Then, the gap was no more and his lips had covered hers in a gentle embrace. May could feel his fingers edging up her back, making her shiver inside and out, which Drew seemed to enjoy. His fingers and hand took their resting place on her neck, while his arm slid around her waist ever so slightly, as to not frighten the small girl. Her hand went around his back and tightly held on, almost for life.
    Now, this part I liked! You did a good job describing both May and Drew. :3

    She just shrugged it off and began to kiss Drew back again.
    Awww, you could have gave the ending more potential than that. I'm sorry, but it sounds... so weak. It lacks so much, needless to say. You just about had me in the moment and it suddenly went away. ;;

    Overall, I would say that a rewrite would be a very good idea. You have potential but just haven't used them to the best of your ability. Next time, be sure to proofread your work; it can't hurt to do so, honestly. Describe your characters, places, and more background information, too. When you're making a paragraph about describing a place try asking yourself the five Ws and H. Who, what, when, where, why, and how? Who are the characters here? What are they doing there? When are they at this certain place? Why are they there in the first place, and how did they get there? Once you answer all aspects, then you're good to go.

    Oh, and lastly, don't mention Britney Spears in your title! It looks very unprofessional, and most people will not take your story seriously. Just a heads up.

    Just keep practicing! I wish you the best of luck, and I hope my review has helped you out a bit. ^^
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

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