Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Pinch to Grow an Inch (Appealshipping) PG

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Annapolis, Maryland
    Posts
    123

    Default Pinch to Grow an Inch (Appealshipping) PG

    This was originally posted on fanfiction.net on February 22nd. The link is below. Rated for some mild pervertedness.

    Pinch to Grow an Inch

    DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokemon, a creation of one Satoshi Tajiri, and is produced domestically (in the United States) by Pokemon USA/The Pokemon Company, and internationally by Shogakukan and OLM. I personally own nothing and make nothing by writing this. Please do not flame.

    -------------------------------

    “Hey, Zoey! Look! We made it!” Dawn exclaims as they reach the top of the hill after a long walk through the forests of the Kanto region. At one of the highest points in the outskirts of town, the redheaded tomboy and the blue haired beauty can both get one of the finest and most breathtaking views of Saffron City that can be found.

    Saffron City is the largest city in the entire Kanto region. It is nothing short of a booming metropolis that serves as the shopping, corporate, advertising and legislative capital of the region, but to 13-year old Zoey Volek and 12-year old Dawn Berlitz, none of those things matter. Likewise, the reputation of the extensive city and night scene for the youth during contest weekends doesn’t matter much to them either.

    The fact is that since deciding to travel with each other after wrapping up business in the Hoenn region, the two prefer the time they spend alone with each other over just about anything else. For as Dawn likes to put it, ‘It’s when we’re alone that we can truly be ourselves; you for me, and me for you.’

    Indeed, the two are committed to each other in more ways than one. Obviously, both of them work diligently to make each other better in the sport of pokemon coordinating. But what is often not seen by the observers in contest houses across the regions is the true closeness that they have for one another.

    Getting a vast view of the downtown, Dawn comments to the girl standing next to her, “It really does look beautiful, doesn’t it, Zoey?”

    Smiling in half agreement with Dawn, Zoey replies, “Yeah, I suppose. It does look nice, but…”

    “But what?” asks a confused Dawn.

    “With all due respect to this great city and the people in it,” Zoey elaborates, “none of them or it can compare to you.”

    Dawn gets quite glossy-eyed, and she says, “Aww,” in response. “That’s sweet of you, Zoey. Really sweet,” and then she leans forward to give Zoey a hug and a kiss. Dawn is not surprised to see Zoey back away from Dawn’s desire to show the older girl her appreciation and her affection.

    “Dawn,” Zoey reluctantly defends, “we’ve talked about this. People…are cruel. I didn’t say that people can be cruel, but I know that people are cruel and they will be nasty if they ever saw this. Need I remind you about my parent’s blowup last week when I told them the reason why we were going to the Kanto region together? People just don’t like things that are different and even though you say that we have nothing to worry about, I know—I just know they won’t understand or accept the two of us being together when we’re barely even in our teens. Heck, I didn’t even want to explain to Ash Ketchum why you insisted traveling with me to Kanto because I wasn’t sure what he’d think.”

    “Simple,” Dawn says. “He’d think whatever he’d think, and do whatever he’d do, just like anyone else out there.”

    “You know, I beg to differ. You are the sweet one, Dawn,” Zoey replies almost out of the blue. “I just—as good of a friend as he is, that’s all the more reason why you can’t use Ash Ketchum as a measuring stick in this instance. I know it’s sad that we can’t be all that we want to be as a couple publicly as we are privately, but think about it, Dawn.” Looking around for a second to see if anyone is watching them or not, Zoey places her hands on Dawn’s shoulders and explains, “Now, it’s been about…ten days since we both made our true feelings be known for each other and a week since you left Ash and Brock to come with me. You and I are still feeling out being together, and for both of our sakes, I just think that we should…not move too fast. Let us first come to terms with this completely before we let everyone else know. You know?”

    The two of them only have each other to look at in this instance for advice as Dawn still has not told her mother about her and Zoey. “There is a lot of truth to what you’re saying,” Dawn tells Zoey. Dawn won’t completely agree with her girlfriend’s assumptions concerning coming out, but will admit that they still have time to figure each other out before letting everyone else in. “We are still just 12 and 13 years old. Despite our age, we still feel that with every fiber in us that we are in love and…all that we have right now is time. I hate—and that’s not a word that I like to use at all, but…I hate the fact that you’re right. It’s—it’s probably the reason why I haven’t told my mother about us. I know at times I’m ambitious…”

    “At times?” Zoey questions.

    “Okay, okay,” Dawn clarifies. “I’m very ambitious pretty much all the time, but…there’s a big part of me that thinks that if I keep my positive attitude, it’ll rub off on those around me including my mother, my friends and even you. It’s my belief that I can kind of make all of my dreams a reality by just saying to myself over and over again, Dawn Berlitz, there is no need to worry, and hope and pray that that can have some lasting affect on the people I care for the most. I do want to come out, but you’re right about taking things too quickly, which is something we shouldn’t do.” ‘Baby steps,’ Dawn thinks to herself with the two words slowly but surely becoming the couple’s motto.

    “Hey,” Zoey attempts to console as she let’s go of her girlfriend, “at least we have tonight. Once we go to register for tomorrow’s contest, there’s just the matter of finding something to eat and then we’ve got the rest of the night to ourselves.” Even though Zoey drives a hard line on what she and Dawn can and cannot do in the public, she will admit to herself that at times, she is curious about what buttons she can press while the two are alone. ‘She is beautiful, that much is true,’ Zoey ponders, ‘but I haven’t been with her long enough to see if she would really be into that stuff or not.’

    “Well, let’s get going,” Dawn declares. “I mean, the faster we get to the contest house, the more time we’ll get with each other,” and Dawn accentuates this comment by running two of her fingers across Zoey’s right cheek. This touch is enough to warrant a chuckle from the older girl, and a pat on Dawn’s near shoulder.

    “Ready, Dawn?”

    “Ready, Zoey!” Dawn affirms. Once Dawn turns to look at downtown Saffron City once more, Dawn’s energy within her starts to boil like a pressure cooker as she gaily anticipates being a part of her first contest in the Kanto region.

    Then, all of a sudden, Dawn runs as fast as she can to the city limits, cheering “Yeah! Our first Kanto pokemon contest! Whoo!” This excitement catches Zoey off guard for a minute or so and leaves the short-haired girl speechless.

    “Come on, slowpoke!” Dawn implores of Zoey excitedly. Zoey chuckles and says to herself, “I know there’s a reason I’m with you, Dawn. You make life fun.” Zoey then tells Dawn, “All right, Dawn! Hang on! You know my ankles are weak!” and Zoey runs quicker than Dawn to catch up with her so they can register for the Saffron City contest.

    --------------------------------

    After several hours or so spent registering for the contest, talking with several friends that came to the same contest, having dinner, doing some shopping through the many stores and boutiques in the area and taking a long walk through the city, Zoey and Dawn finally decide to call it a night and head to their hotel room nearby the pokemon center. Using a key card to enter room number 213, Zoey opens the handle to the door to see the modest accommodations of their living quarters.

    “Well, here we are,” is all that Zoey can muster from her mouth as she enters the room and places her backpack onto one of two beds. Dawn follows right behind her girlfriend and places her bags on the side of the other bed in the room.

    Resting her head and the rest of her body onto the bed, Dawn comments, “This feels real good, Zoey.”

    A few minutes pass, and in this time, Zoey unpacks a lot of her essential items and is now watching the evening news. She is waiting for a specific story concerning tomorrow’s pokemon contest and to see if her interview with a local reporter made it to TV.

    During this time, Dawn has done nothing but lay in her bed. As a sign of how long of a day it’s been, Dawn rests her eyes in a form of half-sleep. She didn’t even bother to take anything out of her bags and unpack. With her attention diverted away from everything else but resting her body, Dawn is woken up suddenly by someone pressing something against her mouth.

    Opening her eyes, she sees the real Zoey Volek for the first time in quite a while. She sees the cool, eager and controlled girl with a very boyish edge about her. It’s not often that she gets to see this side of Zoey because the two of them are in the public eye so often, but whenever she shows up, Dawn always welcomes her with a kiss. Or rather, the Zoey that she has grown to love and care for welcomes Dawn back into her world with her many loving charms.

    Now sitting up on her bed, Dawn leans forward to receive even more of Zoey’s version of mouth to mouth. Nearly 15 or so seconds pass as the two continue their back and forth spar, but something causes Dawn to unexpectedly jump up in her position and over-exclaim some unknown feeling of pain on her backside.

    “What was that? A mosquito?” Dawn questions rhetorically. To the surprise of Dawn, her girlfriend answers “No that was me. I…pinched your butt. I was curious. Is—is that alright, Dawn? I won’t do it anymore if you don’t like it.”

    “No, it just caught me off guard,” Dawn admits. “I actually liked it. You’re not afraid to push…or pinch when you want to when we’re alone. I thought it was really cute. It’s like that saying, ‘A pinch to grow an inch,’ and with each pinch, we grow little by little.”

    “Dawn Berlitz,” Zoey explains looking the younger girl directly in the eye, “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m not ashamed of our love and building our love, but at the same time, I live in a world that for whatever reason looks down at what we do and how we love. It’s sad but true.”

    “Yeah, but…you know something, Zoey? “ Dawn inquires. “I’m beginning to see things your way a little bit more each day. I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m with you. You keep me on solid ground and make me think. I like that. I know at times I would rush into things and still do, but…this isn’t something that we have to rush, at all.”

    After Dawn stops speaking, both parties lean in to give each other another kiss on the lips. Zoey, knowing that some taboos have been relaxed has no inhibitions of giving her girl yet another pinch to grow an inch, as Dawn so aptly put it.

    Ten seconds or so pass, and Zoey regretfully pulls away from Dawn and turns to the television. The news story that she has been looking forward to since her interview earlier is on. Zoey watches it progress from the anchorman talking about tomorrow’s contest to a reporter out and about the contest house that will hold tomorrow’s festivities.

    Nearly a minute passes, and Zoey, to her excitement sees herself talking on the television about the Saffron City contest. The part of the interview that the station shows has Zoey speak about the excitement of traveling to a new region, and the thorough planning that goes into winning a contest ribbon. As the piece cuts to stock footage of the contest house lobby from earlier, Zoey feels something creep across her lower back. Making an educated guess, she assumes correctly that it’s Dawn, who seems to be taking her own liberties on Zoey’s behind.

    Zoey, looking at Dawn with a face of approval, allowing her to continue her rubbing. Though some will argue that they’re too young for this, Zoey is fine with the attention her girlfriend gives her knowing that she, like her, will take ‘baby steps,’ as they grow inch by inch and pinch by pinch.

    ------------------------------

    Your thoughts?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    the eventless island
    Posts
    2,494

    Default

    I'm not an Appealshipper, but I will give you my thoughts. =]

    The first thing that made me curious about your story was how they got together in the first place. I think having a scene where either Dawn or Zoey have a flashback to their confession would make the fic more interesting. We want to know how they got together, why did they do this, and what made them go to Kanto in the first place? I was just curious about that part.

    The second thing I have to address here is that you kind of made the plot a little quick. I don't know, something about it just seemed a little off balance while I was reading this. Your description is done well but I think it could use some improvement. Explain the scenery more.

    For example:

    At one of the highest points in the outskirts of town, the redheaded tomboy and the blue haired beauty can both get one of the finest and most breathtaking views of Saffron City that can be found.
    Okay, so basically, the only thing the audience is aware of is the color of their hair. Let's pretend that I have never seen Pokemon in my entire life and that's your only description of them. Give us more. If I had never seen Pokemon before, then I would be extremely confused about the character's appearances. What do they look like? Describe their style, their voices, their actions. You want to get the audience into what they're reading. From what I've read, I've gotten a small portion of the meal. [I'm sorry for the food inference; I'm very hungry. xD] Don't always refer to the characters as Dawn or Zoey, give them more description! I think I've seen their names more than 15 times. o.o; I'm telling you this because description is a powerful weapon in writing. :3

    The next thing I have to speak about is the amount of balance. I kind of pointed that out in the last paragraph, but I'll go more into depth about it.

    For example:

    “Come on, slowpoke!” Dawn implores of Zoey excitedly. Zoey chuckles and says to herself, “I know there’s a reason I’m with you, Dawn. You make life fun.”
    Spread their statements out. It helps make things more organized. Try it like this:

    “Come on, slowpoke!” Dawn implores of Zoey excitedly.

    Zoey chuckles and says to herself, “I know there’s a reason I’m with you, Dawn. You make life fun.”
    It's a little more organized now, but there's still the conflict of the constant mention of their names [which I bolded to let you see], especially when it's only two sentences. I suggest you fix that.

    A few more things worth mentioning is to strengthen your introduction and the ending here. Other than that, their interactions are pretty good. Be sure to give us more background information, and do your best! Hope my review helped in some way!
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Annapolis, Maryland
    Posts
    123

    Smile Thanks for all the help!

    I'm not an Appealshipper, but I will give you my thoughts. =]
    You don't have to be an Appealshipper. Any help from anywhere helps me. ^^

    The first thing that made me curious about your story was how they got together in the first place. I think having a scene where either Dawn or Zoey have a flashback to their confession would make the fic more interesting. We want to know how they got together, why did they do this, and what made them go to Kanto in the first place? I was just curious about that part.
    You make a great point about how I could have expanded the 'how' in this instance. Perhaps I should make this a chaptered story (or just add a second chapter) to close this and other loopholes, or expand what I have to include the flashback, et cetera.

    Okay, so basically, the only thing the audience is aware of is the color of their hair. Let's pretend that I have never seen Pokemon in my entire life and that's your only description of them. Give us more. If I had never seen Pokemon before, then I would be extremely confused about the character's appearances. What do they look like? Describe their style, their voices, their actions. You want to get the audience into what they're reading. From what I've read, I've gotten a small portion of the meal. [I'm sorry for the food inference; I'm very hungry. xD] Don't always refer to the characters as Dawn or Zoey, give them more description! I think I've seen their names more than 15 times. o.o; I'm telling you this because description is a powerful weapon in writing. :3
    Over 15? That is excessive! And I think I've run into a problem with my writing. I intentionally write assuming that my audience knows the characters, emotions, and the like which I shouldn't do. I ought to know better, because there are some instances in works that are less than a fifth the size of this one (which I've written, no less) that provide more background and description than I did here. I know that if I did an original fiction, I wouldn't fall into this trap, and I shouldn't do that with a canon-based work.


    It's a little more organized now, but there's still the conflict of the constant mention of their names [which I bolded to let you see], especially when it's only two sentences. I suggest you fix that.
    I will fix it, go back to the drawing board and make the changes within the next month or so.

    A few more things worth mentioning is to strengthen your introduction and the ending here. Other than that, their interactions are pretty good. Be sure to give us more background information, and do your best! Hope my review helped in some way!
    The review helped a lot! Thanks for the encouragement on the interactions, and you helped me realize that I still have a lot of work left to become a success as a writer. 'Giving of Yourself' should have been a model for me as far as background information and the value of effective start/finish. The problems with this story likely came down to rushing to get it completed, yet another err on my part that easily could have been avoided. I have a great base, but now it's time for me to build once more.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    the eventless island
    Posts
    2,494

    Default You're welcome!

    You don't have to be an Appealshipper. Any help from anywhere helps me. ^^
    =D! Yays, glad to hear! Most people have a thing against different shippers reviewing.

    You make a great point about how I could have expanded the 'how' in this instance. Perhaps I should make this a chaptered story (or just add a second chapter) to close this and other loopholes, or expand what I have to include the flashback, et cetera.
    Yeah, I used to have this problem as well in my old stories. People never complained about it, but I noticed it was a problem since I wanted to go into description more. Hmm, if you want, maybe you could try rewriting. Anything that works best for you is what I suggest. =D I do think the flashback would be a great idea, it'll give us more input about Dawn and Zoey's relationship. ^^

    Over 15? That is excessive! And I think I've run into a problem with my writing. I intentionally write assuming that my audience knows the characters, emotions, and the like which I shouldn't do. I ought to know better, because there are some instances in works that are less than a fifth the size of this one (which I've written, no less) that provide more background and description than I did here. I know that if I did an original fiction, I wouldn't fall into this trap, and I shouldn't do that with a canon-based work.
    I totally agree, and just keep practicing. It all comes into perfection sooner or later. Once ou capture all aspects of describing in detail, then it just comes naturally. [I just know that for myself because my writing style does reflect when I write in my journal. xD]

    I will fix it, go back to the drawing board and make the changes within the next month or so.
    That's great! Take your time! :3 Let me know, I'll be happy to review. ^^

    The review helped a lot! Thanks for the encouragement on the interactions, and you helped me realize that I still have a lot of work left to become a success as a writer. 'Giving of Yourself' should have been a model for me as far as background information and the value of effective start/finish. The problems with this story likely came down to rushing to get it completed, yet another err on my part that easily could have been avoided. I have a great base, but now it's time for me to build once more.
    Aww, you're welcome! Most people get very irritated when I review. xD And you're right, you have a great base: just expand it and you got yourself one hell of a story! Let me know when you make adjustments here, and I'll be happy to share my thoughts. Just be sure to relax and take your time. Listen to instrumental music, I think it'll really help; it does great for me when I'm writing. ^^ Anyways, I wish you the best of luck! :3
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    236

    Default

    very nice! I think I like it when you write them as being younger as opposed to being more adult.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Manila, MM, Philippines.
    Posts
    3,414

    Default

    Whee, I already saw this on FF.net but I'll post my comments about this fanfic of yours here too... 8D *is very late at replying wtf*

    So we see both Zoey and Dawn are already at Kanto region... particularly Safforn City, pretty interesting... and whee, one of my favorite places in Kanto too... 8D

    Overall, I just love Zoey and Dawn's interaction here... yep, nothing OOC, you're really good at it... even if you exaggerate it, it's still in-character. Whee, both of them, are jsut so cute to read on your fanfic... ;D

    Good luck with your other fanfics, Rave... xD;;

    GPXPlus Profile | Electromaster | Alert; Obsessions
    Paired with the awesome Orion-Sama~

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Annapolis, Maryland
    Posts
    123

    Smile Thanks momogirl and Avie!

    Thank you both for the remarks! I'm especially glad that you liked my efforts, Momogirl, and I think I see where you're coming in that you like it when the pair is younger. I think it's cuter, myself.

    I want you two and ~Mist~ to know that I am currently in the process of expanding this some more. I should have my final revision on this site by late March or early April, and I hope to get this entry into the shipping Oscars, as well.

    Again, thank you all for your support!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •