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Thread: Blazing Frost

  1. #51
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    Yay! New chapter! I really, really liked it. Maybe your best chapter ever. I like the whole Beedrill/Butterfree rivalry you have going on!

    I'd type more, but have to do my homework...

    Araleon
    Current Black Team: Rivka (Stoutland), Elmo (Musharna), Scarlett (Whimsicott), Gabriel (Carracosta), Reese (Klang), Sean (Mienfoo); all are at level 47. Currently in Victory Road.

  2. #52
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    Good..but...you made the butterfree sound like evil gangsters. Why would you do that? and caterpie being ugly? The caterpie line is my favorite bugs. Other than that, good and funny, and can't wait till the next chapter.
    Pokemon Black team:

  3. #53
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    Don't get me wrong here; the Caterpie line is all very well and good, it's just that I like the Weedle line a lot more, plus Caterpie's eyes sort of creep me out. And I found it a bit tiring that it always had to be the Beedrill that were always attacking mindlessly, so I changed that a bit.
    And thanx again for the support!
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  4. #54
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    Nice chapter. I can't wait to see how the two react when they next appear together, (if you're planning on that, anyhow, ^^. I found the rivalry quite interesting. And, as one of the characters mentioned... Maybe Lightning shouldn't name his pokemon. xD (Not that Peter is so bad, I suppose... It just strikes me as odd, haha.) Anyways, good job.

    .captain GHOST.

  5. #55
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    Nice chapter. I can't wait to see how the two react when they next appear together, (if you're planning on that, anyhow, ^^. I found the rivalry quite interesting. And, as one of the characters mentioned... Maybe Lightning shouldn't name his pokemon. xD (Not that Peter is so bad, I suppose... It just strikes me as odd, haha.) Anyways, good job.

    .captain GHOST.

  6. #56
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    lol, thanks. Yeah, I realized that the syllables in "Peter" could also be found in "Caterpie", and I couldn't resist putting them together.

    Tentative chapter 7 title already? wtf.
        Spoiler:- ch. 7 title?:
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  7. #57
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    hahaha clever titles. Thanks for the pm though it was a big on a delay finals are up for me next week so been busy. Anyways.....the chapter was good the description is definately getting better and the rivalry was ingenious the poor beedril though i prefer butterfree just cant help but feel bad for it. Good luck with your future chapters lookin forward to the rest.

    ~roo~
    Fan fic reader. Writer at heart artistic at heart. My name before was roodude15 and I'm back PM me if you want me to review something. I'm always happy to review a story.

    I love crude humor it's the biggest thing since sliced bread and sliced bread is pretty darn good too

  8. #58
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    It's okay, I mean look at how often I update: practically never. XP
    Last edited by SugarPesticide; 10th March 2010 at 3:53 AM.
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by darkdragontamer View Post
    “Oh, dear,” the Pokedex muttered worriedly, “someone please call in the exterminator to get this monstrosity away from my superior being. Drowzee, the Freak Pokemon. Gender is Male. Height is Freak, Weight is Freak. In case you couldn’t tell, this thing is a serious freak. Apparently it likes to share little kids’ dreams with them at night. And as for its nose … well, I don’t think I have to tell you what that looks like. Given all this, it is obviously Michael Jackson in disguise. Therefore, don’t let it approach you unless getting raped is your cup of tea. What a freak.”
    Wow, this part KILLED ME LOLOLOLOL!!!!

    I was looking for a real entertaining fan fic and yours is awesome. I wish I thought of the stuff you did. I started my own fanfic and I was going to to a back-talking pokedex thing too-but I guess you did if first *sadness and tears*. Anyway, I just love your fanfic and I can't wait until the next chapter. This is totally original.

    As far as Silawen goes, ignore him/her. Pokemon isn't realistic or logical so why is your story supposed to be that way? Following canon, forget it. You can do whatever you like with your story because I find it fun and Silawen can let the non-canon, Stu, blah blah stuff bring him down. I'll enjoy the story as it is. (btw its a fanFICTION, its all fiction, enough said)

    I very much like your characters. The boys seem to get a little hyperactive but the ranting is fun. The Swampert and Lapras stuff is interesting. Oh and I love how you did TMs! Lets see....oh yeah, Colbalt and Giovanni's conversation was soooo funny. Love the Pokedex. And Colbalt and his Bulbasaur was great too. Is he gonna be your anime team rocket follower type deal? I actaully think that would be interesting. Keep up the great work.

    Okay, I am also curious what grade your in or how old. If you don't want to say, you don't need to but I'm just curious.

    Lastly, if I could invite any character to my house I would choose Colbalt. I love the part where he's in the pokemart and the stuff I mentioned earlier. He just seems really funny. (I also love the wigs btw, keep 'em comming!)

    Once again, I really like your fic and the in between polls and questions are great! I'll be waiting for Chapter 7!

  10. #60
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    Thanks, Pkmnlover. You can use the talking Pokedex idea, I'm not the first person to use it, so go ahead. And Cobalt will be sort of anime-style follower, but with significantly more competence. And randomness.
    My age? I turned 16 two weeks ago . I'm not sure what that has to do w/ anything, though...
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  11. #61
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    hi darkdragontamer

    i just read your first 6 chapters and i think they're awesome. I am a fiction writer myself but younger than you, and currently writing a story about dragons. Leaf's pok'edex is halarious and i love cobalt's bulbasaur. I got really excited when you put in swampert; its one of my favourite pok'emon. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.

    Sinnohdragon

  12. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pkmnlover
    As far as Silawen goes, ignore him/her. Pokemon isn't realistic or logical so why is your story supposed to be that way? Following canon, forget it. You can do whatever you like with your story because I find it fun and Silawen can let the non-canon, Stu, blah blah stuff bring him down. I'll enjoy the story as it is. (btw its a fanFICTION, its all fiction, enough said)
    Pokémon isn't realistic or logical in our world, but it is in theirs. There is a universe, with set values, facts, and truths, set up for it. That is the reality for anyone who has to do with pokémon. If you're not going to abide to the canon - the facts about the world you're writing about - then you might as well write original fiction.

    That's the difference between fanfiction and original fiction. Fanfiction is fiction written by fans of the original fandom. Original fiction is fiction entirely made up by an author, without basing it on an existing fandom.

    It's also good to see that as long as you're okay with it, everything is fine, but my opinion doesn't matter. Great reasoning, there. (By the way, I'm a girl.)

    -

    Now, for the author;

    Have you decided whether or not this is a parody yet? Because if it is, then it's seriously lacking. You're just doing things wrong and not providing anything for readers to pick up on. Writing parodies isn't just writing bad storiesand throwing in clichés, they should provide ways of learning from it, finding out why it's a parody and what it's a parody on. So far it just sounds like a sub-par pokémon fic.

    If you've decided not to make it a parody, then you're really just making your character a Sue. Special pokémon, full of herself, is able to talk to pokémon, there's quite a few things that really have no place here if you're interested in writing something that should set a good example.

    So, I think you should really decide which way you're going to go in and, once you've decided, go back and edit the earlier chapters.

    Good luck!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  13. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pkmnlover View Post
    (btw its a fanFICTION, its all fiction, enough said)
    That's not a good argument. Enough said.

  14. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by darkdragontamer View Post
    Thanks, Pkmnlover. You can use the talking Pokedex idea, I'm not the first person to use it, so go ahead. And Cobalt will be sort of anime-style follower, but with significantly more competence. And randomness.
    My age? I turned 16 two weeks ago . I'm not sure what that has to do w/ anything, though...
    As far as age goes, I'm always a little curious how old all these writers are. Oh, I love how in your account under occupation you wrote, "HS student and hating it." I think that's what you wrote but I totally agree. I HATE school too. Do you sit around thinking about your fiction in class?

    BTW, I turned 17 last month. Just wanted to say that because I figured I owed that to you for asking your age...

    Oh yeah, I can't wait to see more of Cobalt. The part with his level 10 bulbasaur was too funny

  15. #65
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    OK, to the writer of this lovely fanfiction, there are many other readers that like your story the way it is. Silawen, you make this sound like it is supposed to writen by a professional. I happen to love the author's stuff and she should keep it as it is because it has it's own feel and appeals to many of us. I don't want to read some boring, serious fic that has to make sense 100% of the time.
    People who read stories on this forum are encouraged to review. A good review usually includes things that can be improved, plus the way to improve them. You, apparently, like mindless praise. That's fine by me, but that doesn't mean my way of reviewing doesn't work. Telling an author that she should just ignore the reviews trying to help her improve is just silly, I'm sorry. It's rather like your opinion is fact, therefore mine shouldn't be considered.

    I've read fics on other sites (not pokemon) and those are by adults and they don't follow canon and people love it. Why can a person take ash, put him in their fic and make him different and no one yells at them for not following canon?
    I'm rather confused as to what Ash has to do with anything. If I were to read and review a fic that has Ash acting totally out of character, then I would comment on that as well. However, I haven't read said fic, only this one, and therefore I chose this one to comment on. Makes sense, no?

    You can't tell someone to write only this way or that way. Darkdragontamer, keep it how it is, please. There are like 2 people on this thread that want changes and if these "changes" occur, it'll totally screaw up the story.
    I am not holding a gun to her head, she doesn't have to listen to me. I'm suggesting ways in which she can improve and giving clear reasons why. Which is more than I can say for your opinion, because you just state that you like it, and that's that.

    Parady or not, a lot of us still like it and this is a creative outlet for Darkdragontamer so don't dull her creativity.
    Actually, choosing to write both a parody fic and a good fic is what is going to dull her creativity. Why? Because they contradict each other. Parodies focus on clichés and things that are often done wrong, whereas good stories wouldn't have those clichés and wouldn't have the things that have gone wrong. What she's left with is a combination of the two, which ruins either attempts. On the one hand she has a parody fic that doesn't focus on showing us the clichés and errors, and on the other an attempt at a good fic that fails because it has the errors and clichés in them from the parody. See how these two contradict each other?

    Even if you don't like canon - which makes no sense to me, for why would you be in the fandom if you don't like the original source - then you should still see how those two literary attempts conflict and contradict?

    Darkdragontamer, don't worry, just keep going and don't focus on the negative stuff. I think your stuff is great and writing shouldn't ever be a stressful thing.
    Writing should be a learning experience. We're never done with that. Patting writers on the head and telling them to ignore the constructive criticism is only going to harm them.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  16. #66
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    You're free to stop replying here, but I won't. Since this regards her story, and the way she writes it, I'm going to continue my arguement here. After all, I'm making it to show her that I think you can't combine a parody and a good story, not to impress you. You can have either a good parody, or a good story, not both. I'll show you what I mean.

    We'd agree that a good story doesn't have errors and illogical things, right? Well, a parody would focus on those errors and illogical things, because that's exactly what it's a parody on. Contradiction.

    Next, using clichés is bad, right? We all know that using the same thing that has been done countless times before is a bad thing. So, generally, good stories don't have clichés. Parodies, however, are based on those clichés, it's what it's a parody on. Contradiction.

    See how you can't have both? If you attempt to write both a parody and a good fic, then you're going to end up somewhere inbetween. You have a parody that has the clichés and errors, but not the attempts to make those visible to the audience, and you have a good fic that has decent writing mechanics, but is filled with clichés and errors. In the end, both attempts end up sub-par, because they cancel each other out.

    Whether or not she should stick to canon is another subject entirely. It has nothing to do with the above. Though good stories do tend to stick to canon, because it's generally believed to be good practice, you don't even have to include that to get the point I've been trying to make.

    It's not a personal taste issue, it's the simple fact that parodies and good stories have conflicting qualities.

    Whether or not people agree with me doesn't matter - though Irin didn't much agree with your reasoning either, did you read the link she gave you? I'm giving my constructive opinion, whereas others who don't like the fic might not even bother. A lot of people who have a problem with someone don't come out and say it, you know. They can't be bothered. Even so, that doesn't really matter. Just because people don't always agree with me doesn't mean my opinions are invalid or shouldn't be allowed to be shared.

    And again, this argument isn't about canon. It's about agood story and a parody not working together.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  17. #67
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    I'm quite afraid I'm really enjoying the fiction. I'm not reading it in the 'right' (what is right anyway? I know a guy called Wright... oh, and writing. Right?) order, but from whatever chapter it was, to the other chapter it was, you've got several giggles out of me - and that's nice. I don't often read, so actually stopping to take a look at something and happening to enjoy it is a double plus. ^^

    This is fun because it's light hearted. It might be cliché, it might not be the most ZOMGEPICBOOMBOOMWOW fic ever to exist, but that isn't what's important. What's important is that you like it, and the readers who do read it, enjoy it. :P

    Personally, I think pokémon fanfiction stops being canon only when you having the pokémon - and as far as I see, you got more than just pokémon, you got that little *****y pokédex, which, if youtube doesn't lie, appears in a milder form in the first ep of the animé. :P Do continue; I'll be sure to drop in, in the future.
    [.Three: H/Rt-314.]

    тѕє ѕцтсєыяєр омон

  18. #68
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    ah another comment from me while i should be studying >,< oh well....anyways silawen does put a rather interesting view into the story that being said i can see where the arguement stays in but i think it is rather too early to say anything too soon all that has been done really are character introductions with minor oohhh is he the bad guy and the swampert showing up but nothing to drastic. Also there are fics where contradictions occured but then in the end it lead up to one choice i suppose everything is to be decided by the author. Though it may be contradicting it is enough for me at least to put that aside that and focus in terms of description and structure at least to me once that is covered then the arguement of parodies or a cliche fic occurs. Also now that you mentioned it silawen are you really holdin her by gunpoint O,o? lol just kidding for the sake of the author i think the arguement between you and pkmnlover should not be in this thread as it bring negative vibes.

    ~roo~
    Fan fic reader. Writer at heart artistic at heart. My name before was roodude15 and I'm back PM me if you want me to review something. I'm always happy to review a story.

    I love crude humor it's the biggest thing since sliced bread and sliced bread is pretty darn good too

  19. #69
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    Thanks to everyone who's been patient with all the arguing. Silawen, while I'm glad that you're interested in this enough to discuss it, there's still a line between constructive crit and reconstructive crit. Saying this fic is great is okay, saying it needs some improving is okay, saying you don't particularly like it is also okay. But saying that it needs to be 100% revised due to some structural errors is not okay. Apparently, unless I completely start over, it's going to suck no matter where I take it. So please bear in mind that many people actually like this fic for what it is (which I hadn't really been expecting, as it's my first and all, but whatever). Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I don't want this thread to be laced with spam from a bunch of arguing over opinions.
    If people still want to discuss issues like parodizing in general, clichés, etc., then go over to the Author's Café and talk about it. Don't bring the debating over here.

    *deep breath*
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  20. #70
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    Yes I apologize for arguing with silawen, darkdragontamer. I just really wanted you to know I didn't want major changes. I'll try and delete my argument posts so this thread isn't ruined by me.

  21. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by darkdragontamer View Post
    Thanks to everyone who's been patient with all the arguing. Silawen, while I'm glad that you're interested in this enough to discuss it, there's still a line between constructive crit and reconstructive crit. Saying this fic is great is okay, saying it needs some improving is okay, saying you don't particularly like it is also okay. But saying that it needs to be 100% revised due to some structural errors is not okay. Apparently, unless I completely start over, it's going to suck no matter where I take it. So please bear in mind that many people actually like this fic for what it is (which I hadn't really been expecting, as it's my first and all, but whatever). Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I don't want this thread to be laced with spam from a bunch of arguing over opinions.
    If people still want to discuss issues like parodizing in general, clichés, etc., then go over to the Author's Café and talk about it. Don't bring the debating over here.

    *deep breath*
    I'm not saying you have to revise it 100%, I'm saying you should probably decide which way you want to take it from here. Granted, it's probably going to be easier to turn it into a parody, seeing as you use quite a few clichés, but you could still swing it around with a bit of editing.

    I told you this in my first review, though. A parody and a good story simply don't work together, as I've been trying to explain. I'm not saying the story is going to suck if you don't, but the contradictory nature of the two is making sure you can't make it excellent in either option. This isn't me trying to discuss at random the meaning of what a parody is, this is me trying to help you make the story better. It's being dragged down by your attempt to combine two things that can't be combined, which is a pity because your writing mechanics are pretty good.

    If you consider my attempts to help you SPAM, then that's fine, don't listen to me, but I'm only trying to help you out. Which I've been trying to do for a while now. I've given clear reasons as to why I think you need to choose one or the other, and explained them thoroughly, it's your choice if you want to ignore that or not. The fact remains that it's perfectly fine for me to review the way I did, because it was constructive criticism in an attempt to help you.

    It's up to you what you do with that.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

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    * * *

    Chapter Seven: The Rampage (Enter Breeder Gina! Defeat of Godzilla?!!)

    Covered in bruises, charred from a painful jolt of electricity, and struggling to keep a violently thrashing Poke Ball from falling off his belt, Cobalt finally stumbled out of the forest only to instantly crash face first into a tree. He attempted to pull his face away, but the extremely sticky sap which coated its bark refused to give. I know my face is appealing, but this is ridiculous. He yanked and tugged as hard as his neck muscles would allow, but it seemed that his doom was to be biologically chained to it for the rest of his life.

    “In my opinion, a guy who can’t keep himself from getting attached to a tree is in desperate need of a life,” said an all-too-familiar voice above him.

    Damn, that had better not be her.

    A slender hand mysteriously appeared out of nowhere and slapped him on his free cheek with the force of two jet planes colliding. Reflexively he jerked sharply away, and was surprised to find himself no longer connected to the tree. Girls must have all the answers to life, he mused to himself, rubbing his now red cheek, before remembering why he had jerked in the first place. Cautiously he looked over his shoulder to see a rather short young woman about his age, wearing a red tank top, a golden miniskirt, and a slight frown. Her shoulder-length coppery hair framed her attractive face and square jaw.

    Crap, it IS her. Well, living around rabid fangirls has prepared me for this moment. In a situation like this, there is only one rational solution that a red-blooded Kantoan can make. “RUN AWAAAAAAAY!” he screamed, breaking into a frantic sprint to get far from the scene, only to trip and fall over her outstretched, sandal-clad foot. He gasped in surprise as his face slammed into the ground, and he spit out several blades of grass indignantly.

    “Daddy always said you were a flighty one, Cobalt,” she sighed, placing the foot on his back. “Anyway, I’m supposed to help you with catching this ‘shiny Lapras’ thing. You sure this isn’t one of your overdue April Fool’s jokes?”

    “I’m sure, Gina,” he replied sourly, and she removed her foot, allowing him to roll over and sit up. Squinting in the light of the midday sun, he glared at her. “But the Boss sent you to accompany me? That’s more like the joke.”

    “Daddy has very good judgment,” she told him serenely, eyeing him carefully.

    “I thought so, too, until you became an admin,” he snapped back, getting to his feet and dusting himself off. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have a horde of newbies to spy on.” He turned and began walking away.

    “Um, hello? I told you I was coming with you,” Gina said, catching up with him. “Learn to listen to people, Cobalt. Say, what’s your actual name? Have you ever told anyone?”

    “Besides the Boss, nobody. And it’s a good thing I haven’t, believe me.” The young man moodily stuck his hands into his jean pockets and walked faster.

    “Don’t leave me behind!” she whined, stepping into line with him again. “Anyway, it’s an assignment. And you know better than to ignore an assignment from Daddy.”

    Cobalt growled in displeasure, but refrained from speeding up even more. “True. Might as well learn to endure this, I guess. What’s your latest breeding project?”

    Gina beamed at the direction the conversation was taking. “Currently I’m working on the Bellsprout line. I’ve been trying to find a way to breed Dragon Pulse onto them, but I haven’t had much luck so far.”

    “It better not end like the Dugtrio incident last month …” Cobalt said warningly.

    “Oh, it won’t. Besides, how was I supposed to know that Fire Blasting mole mutants don’t mix with gasoline? Anyway, what’ve you been up to?”

    “The usual, obviously. Steal, lie through your teeth, stay incredibly famous outside of Rocket. Repeat.”

    “Sounds like fun. Why do you wear wigs again?”

    “To stay undercover, obviously. If someone saw my real hair outlining my face, I’d be instantly recognized, which is not what I want. Why are you asking a lot of useless questions in order to keep this boring, pointless dialogue alive?”

    “Well, I think this mission’s going take a while, meaning that we’ll have to be together for ages, so I just thought we could make amends. Sheesh.”

    He rolled his eyes. “If we do our job right, it shouldn’t take a while.”

    “Yeah, but just in case—”

    “There’s no point to that anyway. This is business.”

    “But business is borrrrrrinnnnnng,” Gina pouted, sticking out her lower lip like a small child attempting to wheedle some ice cream away from a reluctant old man. “It’s better to have fun.”

    Cobalt rolled his eyes. This was going to be one of those days.

    * * *

    As Leaf began tracing several numbers in the dirt with a long stick, Frosti facepalmed. <This is going to be one of those days,> he sighed.

    “Well, too bad. Somebody already used that line. I’ve got this pep talk to give everyone while there’s no Lightning-related distractions, so please shut it. Now listen up, team,” the young trainer barked, tossing the stick away and beginning to pace back and forth in front of her ragtag band of Pokemon. “We are going to be a strong team, we will crush everyone who dares to challenge us, you will merciless destructors in battle, and we are going to have FUN while we’re at it! Got it?”

    <I need to pee,> Paris whimpered, wiggling uncomfortably.

    Leaf stopped pacing and looked over at her makings of a team: Frosti, looking very bored; Swampert, who was stretched out on the long grass snoring, the scar on his chest not yet healed; Paris, who was beginning to squeal in agony; and Cheri, whose expression was still frozen in a mixture of guilt and horror. In short, none of them, not even Swampert, looked the least bit formidable, as opposed to the stone gray buildings sitting several hundred yards behind them. The gloomy Pewter Gym loomed above all other structures, as if mocking the many young trainers it had brutally defeated. Am I really ready for this? she wondered. I’m not sure I have what it takes to keep a bunch of destructive monsters in line. Aloud, she said, “Yes, Paris, run over to those bushes over there.”

    <Okay, Mommy!> The young Lapras practically flew into the nearby bushes, showing surprising speed for her age.

    “Aw, she’s such a sweetie. Now as I was saying, our first task is to take out Brock. He’s the first gym leader, and he likes using rock Pokemon for some reason. So here’s the plan: first, I’ll send out Cheri—”

    <Why?> Frosti asked incredulously, raising an imaginary eyebrow. <Bug is weak to rock, she’ll get slaughtered.>

    “Silly Frosti, you’ve got it all wrong. Rock is weak to bug, because bugs can crawl on rocks. It all has to do with logic; at least, that’s what Fire told me, and of course he’d know. Anyway, if the situation ends up looking really bad, I’ll send out Swampert, but hopefully that won’t happen. He’s got plenty of experience already, so you, Cheri, and Paris are my priority at this point. As it is—”

    “YOU!”

    Leaf spun around in surprise. “Wha—”

    “You I challenge, noob!” screeched a short, capped boy who was running out of the forest, bright eyes glinting eagerly. “To a Pokemon battle, you I challenge!”

    “And you I think is an idiot,” Leaf replied smoothly, her astonishment swiftly vanishing. “You know, you’re the ninth kid I’ve run into today. And you look exactly like all the others. Even the same face, which, I might add, makes me lose my appetite. What kind of conspiracy can we possibly have on our hands?”

    “Your weird words I am offended by,” the kid said haughtily. “My Pokemon you shall be slaughtered by. Caterpie, you I choose! Fight, my Pokemon is!”

    “And you even have the exact same Pokemon as the others,” Leaf sighed as a worm-like Pokemon materialized in a beam of neon-red light. “I’m getting a bit tired of it. Frosti, Ember!”

    Not even bothering to move from his position, Frosti yawned lazily, sending a few flickering flames from his mouth flying at the Caterpie. The attack met its mark easily; Caterpie didn’t even have time to squeal before it collapsed.

    “You, I lost to?” the kid gasped, recalling his green bug. “Shame I now have. By a noob I have been crushingly defeated.”

    “Stop talking like that! And stop calling me a noob!” Leaf snarled irritably. “It’s only my second day on the road. Real noobs end up giving up on their first and whine about how they haven’t seen a Secloven yet. And—” she paused to glance at her Pokedex, which showed her foe’s Pokemon’s level despite snoring loudly. “It’s at level ten! Why the hell is it still a Caterpie?”

    Flustered, the kid stomped off back into the forest, not giving her a backward glance.

    <Little brat,> Frosti chuckled, examining his small claws idly. <He should’ve realized what he was in for.>

    Just before the kid vanished altogether, he pushed two shadowy figures out of his way moodily. The strong sunlight revealed them to be Ocean and Lightning, squinting in the sudden brightness.

    “Some expedition that turned out to be,” Ocean sighed, kicking a rock carelessly through the grass and inadvertently sending it toward the kid’s head, causing the kid to flop forward, unconscious. “No rare Pokemon. I was absolutely sure there’d be some.”

    “Well, that’s why they’re called ‘rare Pokemon’,” Lightning said sensibly, the small electric mouse on his shoulder nodding in agreement. “It’s because they’re rare."

    “But I’m a collector,” the definitely taller boy whined. “Rare Pokemon always show up for collectors, it’s practically tradition.”

    <Hi, Mommy! I finished peeing!> Paris squealed happily, scampering over. She was proudly clutching an unconscious Caterpie in her mouth. Tossing it to the ground, she explained, <And he was being a meanie, so I hurt him. And I think he died. Is he dead, Mommy? And can I eat him?>

    “No, Paris, he’s just fainted because you’re so awesome. But I think you should let him go, since you beat him already.”

    <Oh, fine,> the young Lapras sighed, dropping the insect, resulting in a very audible thump in the long green grass.

    “Leaf, you didn’t already fight Brock already, right?” Lightning asked, a bit worriedly. “I need ideas for the Contest coming up, and I want to watch your battle.”

    “Don’t worry, I haven’t yet. C’mon, guys, let’s head to the gym. I can’t wait to give Brock a taste of Swampert.”

    Everyone else sweatdropped at this remark.

    <I’d prefer a taste of Lightning, myself,> Peach commented with a giggle.

    I’m surrounded by insane people, Leaf groaned inwardly.

    * * *

    After wandering through endless neighborhoods and down a short walkway lined with boulders, the stony face of Pewter Gym soon loomed above them. Leaf nervously looked over her shoulder at the boys for support. Lightning shrugged, obviously a bit unnerved himself, but Ocean nodded and winked, making a definite "go on" gesture with his hands. Leaf sighed, turned back to the gym, and braced herself. Her slender hand reached forward to grasp the doorknob, preparing to open the door to her destiny—

    —but definitely not preparing for it to slam into her face, knocking her down to the hard ground.

    “What the HELL was that for?” she yelled angrily, glaring up into the condescending face of Fire. “You can’t just slam doors into people, it’s just not right.”

    “Yeah, she was having an emotional moment,” Ocean said, helping her to her feet. “And you hurt a girl, which is not polite. Therefore, I challenge you to a battle!”

    “Pfft. Screw courtesy,” Fire snarled, a superior smirk on his face. “I just pounded Brock into the dirt, so I don’t think it would be a good idea to—”

    “Well, screw your arrogance,” Ocean shot back. “Send out your Pokemon!”

    “You never cease to sicken me. Drowzee, get at him!”

    The mutated elephant appeared at his trainer’s heels, holding a shining gray octagon in its three-fingered hand. After tenderly placing it into Fire’s outstretched palm, Drowzee waddled in front of his trainer, facing the Pokemon which was materializing before it.

    Until the huge, spiky, green dinosaur was plainly visible to see.

    <EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!> Drowzee shrieked in terror, cowering at the sight of Tyran. <The powers of darkness overwhelm my superior cranial capacity, master!>

    <RAAAAAWWWWWR! EAT YER MOM’S DREAMS, MAGGOT!> Tyran roared, baring his decidedly horrific claws. His bone-white fangs gleamed as he leaned far forward, catching Drowzee in a painful Bite. It was quickly followed by another, more savage one, shedding a few drops of Drowzee’s dark orange blood. Fire gasped in shock, his eyes going wide from surprise as he stood there, frozen.

    “Okay, that’s enough! Now cut it out!” Ocean yelled, tugging at Tyran’s tail. The dinosaur, however, whipped it wildly about, sending the young trainer flying several yards before crash-landing directly on top of Leaf, who howled in rage as she hit the ground again.

    “WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO HERE?” she screeched, leaping back onto her feet and adjusting her white, wide-brimmed hat. “HAS KNOCKING ME INTO THE GROUND BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL SPORT, OR WHAT?”

    Ocean’s stuttered apology was cut off by a sickening series of snapping noises. Sharp squeals of pain could be heard from Drowzee as Tyran tossed him up in the air and caught him with a loud crunch several times, each time switching between a flashing Fire Fang, Ice Fang, Thunder Fang—

    “WHAT’S THE COMMOTION?”

    Everyone froze and swiveled around to see who had bellowed so loudly. Standing in the doorway of Pewter Gym stood a spiky-haired teenager wearing baggy grayish-brown pants, a black shirt and a gray-and-orange vest. His permanently squinting eyes were apparently roving about the scene. His gaze shifted from Tyran, who almost guiltily let go of Drowzee, to Ocean, who seemed to shrink a little under the piercing gaze.

    <Oh crap, not the rock specialist. Gotta get outta here,> Tyran muttered, turning and bolting down the road.

    “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the gym leader roared. When the dinosaur refused to comply, he turned to the others anxiously. “I’m Brock, but screw greetings for right now,” he said shortly. “We’ve got to catch him before he destroys the whole city. Hurry!”

    Immediately the humans sprinted after Tyran, sneakers flying down the hot pavement. The small tremors caused by the Tyranitar’s stomps caused several residents to open their doors or windows in annoyance, only to gasp and stare in terror at the sight of the beast.

    Frosti, Hideki, and Drowzee were quickly left in the dust. The unnatural-looking pig creature trembled as he backed into the cool shade, just inside the gym. <I shall not proceed into the face of danger,> he croaked, tenderly touching the spots where fangs had punctured his oily skin.

    <C’mon, coward!> Frosti snapped, grabbing Drowzee’s trunk and pulling ferociously. <We need to get out there and help them!> Hideki nodded in agreement, and proceeded to tug at one of Drowzee’s legs.

    <That demon has a dark vibration surrounding it,> Drowzee squealed nasally, his pained face comically stretched by Frosti’s futile efforts.

    <Well, no duh. It’s a dark type.>

    <I am too important for such base matters!> the strange pig protested.

    “Bull!” Hideki shouted.

    Both Frosti and Drowzee stopped their variation of tug-of-war, looking down at the small, freckled, turquoise toad. Hideki shrugged, turned around, and attempted to scamper off towards the running humans in spite of the huge bulb on his back weighing him down.

    <Well, it’s your “Master” on the line, if worst comes to worst,> Frosti said crossly, letting go of Drowzee and sending him tumbling backwards into the gym. After wiping the grease from his paws on a nearby boulder, disgust coloring his face, he darted off after the others.

    Picking himself up, Drowzee peered out at Tyran, who had just turned a corner and vanished from sight. <Ohhhhh,> he muttered, wringing his hands fearfully. Timidly, he stepped through the tall doorway, squinting in the strong light. <I do not like this, not at all … but Master comes first, yes he does! Fear not, Master, I come to you!>

    Shivering slightly, he waddled down the rocky walkway, towards the wide concrete road.

    * * *

    The humans, in the meantime, had been rapidly falling behind the behemoth. Beads of perspiration clung to their bright red faces as they uselessly chased after Tyran, turning one corner, two, three, four, seven. Soon exhaustion overtook them, and they collapsed into a comical pile onto the burning pavement. I’ve gotta actually exercise sometime, Leaf said inwardly, lifting her head and getting a glimpse of Tyran lumbering further and further ahead.

    “We need to get him really angry,” Brock panted, wiping a liquid film of sweat from his brow. “Then he’ll turn around and try to attack us. It’s extremely risky, but it has to be done or else he’ll end up destroying the whole city.”

    “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Fire snarled, picking himself up and staring down in disgust at the others.

    “Do you have a better idea?” Brock snarled back.

    Fire wisely decided not to answer that question. Instead, he squinted in the light of the burning sun, watching Tyran stomp away.

    “How are we gonna do that, though?” Lightning asked feverishly, his voice rising to almost a shriek from anxiety. Peach, still standing on his shoulder, patted his ear and looked out at the disappearing Tyranitar, worry shining in her usually mischievous eyes.

    “I know how,” Leaf gasped, her tired words laced with grim recognition. Gritting her teeth, she reached into her yellow handbag and, wonder of wonders, pulled the Pokedex out.

    “Hey, hey, hey! What’re you doin’, Naaaarrrrrrrgh? You just interrupted my beauty sleep, naughty girl. You’re gonna hear it from me, believe it, so—”

    “Dex entry, now,” Leaf growled, turning the Pokedex’s volume to full blast and pointing it at the vanishing monster down the road.

    “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM SO FULL OF POWER! THANKS, NAAAARRRRRRRGH! OH, LOOK, A TYRANITAR, WHAT FUN. IF I HAD KNUCKLES, I’D BE CRACKIN’ ‘EM. TYRANITAR, THE BUTT-UGLY POKEMON.”

    Tyran, who had almost turned yet another corner, spun around with the speed of lightning, his spiky tail obliterating several houses in a shower of pastel-painted splinters. <WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE JUST CALL ME?> he roared menacingly, his beady eyes narrowing into slits of hatred as he ominously took a few steps towards the fear-stricken humans sprawled on the pavement.

    “YOU HEARD ME!” the Pokedex roared back, seeming not to care that Tyran’s slow, angry walk was turning into a quicker, raging march. “ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHILE I’M ENTERTAINING MYSELF. WHERE WAS I? OH, YES, I REMEMBER NOW. GENDER IS MALE, THOUGH BY THE WAY IT ACTS YOU WOULDN’T THINK SO. HEIGHT IS GODZILLA, WEIGHT IS A NUMBER OF TONS THAT WOULD MAKE A WAILORD CRINGE. TYRANITAR ARE VERY SELFISH, ARROGANT BRUTES WHO ARE CONVINCED THAT THEY CAN BEAT ANYONE – ALTHOUGH IT’S OBVIOUS THAT I COULD KICK THAT ONE’S *** ANY DAY NOW.”

    Tyran was beginning to sprint now, a malicious fire blazing in his eyes. Inside their houses, the civilians clung to each other tightly, fearing the fury of the monster.

    “Okay, that’s enough,” Leaf yelled over the crunching of pavement breaking under the behemoth’s rocky feet. She turned it back to its normal volume as she released her Pokemon. On either side of her, her companions did the same, although exactly which ones they released she couldn’t see.

    “Awww, but I wasn’t done yet, Naaaarrrrrrrgh,” the Pokedex pouted, before Leaf stuffed it back into her handbag.

    The humans got to their feet as Tyran stomped closer and closer until he was finally only about five yards away. In spite of that distance, they could still smell his putrid breath as he leaned in their direction, hissing dangerously, <Nobody, nobody, pisses me off, kiddos. If you really want to play, you’ll have to do it my way.> Beads of greenish saliva dripped from his gaping, fanged mouth, which he was menacingly opening wide. Dirt and small pebbles began to spin around his feet, growing thicker and thicker before rising into the air in a fearsome sandstorm.

    “Swampert, Paris, shoot him with water attacks!” Leaf cried, her voice nearly drowned out by Tyran’s howling roar. Paris opened her mouth and spat out a small jet of water, while her father lifted his thick blue arms. Water seemingly appeared from nowhere, spinning around his arms faster and faster, before he pointed his clenched fists at Tyran, sending the spinning cyclone flying towards him. Tyran easily dodged the Water Gun, but was swiftly caught in Swampert’s Whirlpool. He howled as the water splashed against his hard skin, soaking it and doing considerable damage. The sandstorm was still going strong, however, and everyone winced as small, sharp rocks sliced into them.

    “Peach, Volt Tackle!” Lightning yelled, coughing as the sky began to turn a dirty tan color.

    “Rosa, Uproar!”

    “Onix, Rock Throw!”

    “This is stupid. Squirtle, do a Bubble or something.”

    Squirtle looked up at Tyran, shivered, and spat out a tiny, shimmering bubble, which floated for a second before popping uselessly. Brock's huge, gray, stony snake bit down hard on the hard pavement, grabbed a chunk in her mouth, and tossed it at Tyran, slamming into his spiked head and doing a fair amount of damage. Rosa the Spindagrinned drunkenly, opened her mouth, and released a horrible, ongoing shriek, causing Tyran to begin shuddering in mental agony. In an incredible, dazzling blaze of electricity, Peach leapt from Lightning’s shoulder and flew into the whirling hurricane, striking Tyran efficiently. The crackling bolts of lightning coursed wildly throughout the whirlpool, transforming it into a gigantic, glowing, golden wheel of thunder, with Tyran and Peach in the middle.

    Tyran emitted an unbearably earsplitting scream, causing dozens of windows up and down the block to shatter, and even Rosa had to stop what she was doing in order to cover her long, reddish ears. The monster writhed and convulsed as hundreds of electric tendrils flowed in and out of his rocky skin, and his half-shut eyes began to flutter weakly. The sandstorm ceased as abruptly as it had begun, as the dust and gravel suddenly acknowledged the pull of gravity, creating a gritty coat of dirt on the road. As Tyran began to sway back and forth weakly, Peach sprung onto his head, grinned devilishly, and laughed, <Oh, when will you retards learn not to mess with a Pichu? Because Pichu – always – wins!>

    Tyran merely responded with a loud groan. Rosa chuckled nervously, muttered <Twentyshotsofvodkaplease>, and fell backwards, fast asleep and snoring loudly.

    What happened next came so fast that there was no time to blink. With a final shudder, Tyran’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he plummeted forward in a dull green blur. If someone had been standing directly in front of him, he or she would have been smashed into the road by Tyran’s impressive weight.

    Unfortunately there was someone standing directly before him: Leaf.

    <Mommy!> Paris shrieked as she watched Tyran topple through the powerful wheel of lightning, his limp body falling into her trainer. As for Leaf herself, there was barely any time to scream, much less react in an appropriate manner. A single thought flashed through her head, calm and grim: I’m going to die.

    An explosion of pain, a sickening thud, snatches of horrified shouts, and then—

    Darkness.

    * * *

    <Mom!> Fystor called, emerging finally into the pitch-black chamber. She bent over, placing her clawed hands on her knees as she sighed in relief. The Celestial Stairs were a strange structure, which never seemed to extend through the same time-space segment twice. Two days of climbing this thing was nothing: she still felt the nasty repercussions of that one time nearly a century ago, where it had taken three years to climb that bloody thing. By the time she’d returned, the humans’ war had died out, and valiant patriotism had died with it.

    <Mom!> she yelled again. <The Twins are screwing around again. I think they’re actually gunning for the end of the world this time, and—>

    <Stop shouting, Fystor,> a voice called out of the darkness. <We can hear you just fine. Anyway, how many times have they tried to set the Apocalypse in motion – a hundred? A couple thousand? There’s no reason this one should succeed.>

    Fystor sighed. <Should’ve expected you’d be here, Shaymin. But were you expecting the Lord of Evil to rise again?>

    A scoffing noise. <No.>

    <Funny, because the Twins were.>

    Something rumbled. <Thou art serious?> another voice asked, deep and pure as a large bell.

    <I wish I weren’t, Mom.>

    <Dammit,> Shaymin snarled. <Not that ******* again. I’m so sick of him …>

    <We must strive to cast him down,> the Mother said gravely. <For verily, if this is not so, then all mine creations shall dwindle and perish in everlasting woe …>

    * * *
    Last edited by SugarPesticide; 25th June 2010 at 12:13 AM.
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  23. #73
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    ok, i don't do grammer problems so i'm focusing on your content. That was hilarious. This must be your funiest chapter yet, starting with: Run Away!, then, i need to pee, followed by peach's comment about Lightning, and the ridiculous talking pok'edex.

    To improve, i think you should focus on your flow. It's possible that i just read it too fast, but your story seemed to jump a bit. For example, being in the forest with Paris going to the toilet, then suddenly in Pewter City.

    Oh, and drowzee was funny too.

    Keep it up, you have a good story coming here.

  24. #74
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    Thanks. ^^ It was really that funny? Awesome.

    I know, my flow skills suck. ;_; I'm wanting to just jump into the action. I'll try to work on that in the next chapter.
    FF.Net profile | Blazing Frost | Project Valentine | River Styx | Hexachromalurgy | Fizzy Bubbles

    Latest PV pair: Shedinja/Sylveon - What if the MST3K guys did Roshomon? I think it would go a little something like this.

  25. #75
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    May 2008
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    Nice job. I actually read your fiction for inspiration for mine , but mainly because IT ROCKS!
    As said previously, slow down a bit, use transitions, and it'll b even better! Nice job with the personalities, too.

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