Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: [[Wishing Star]]

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    59

    Default [[Wishing Star]]

    This is NOT my best work. I haven't wrote in over 2 years, so this was me warming up. It is short... just around 2 pages on word.... It's a One shot XD Please Read and review. Thank you.

    Rating-G

    Shippings:
    Belleshipping (Though Dawn's name is never mentioned)
    Contestshipping

    So here's the fic!

    Wishing Star

    “Hey Drew!” May smiled waving at the green haired boy.

    Drew stopped. The Pokemon Center was quite busy, from everyone registering for the contest, and it was hard for him to make his way back to where the voice came from. “Hey, May, ready for the contest tomorrow?” He grinned, flipping his hair from his face as he reached the voice source.

    May giggled and blushed slightly. “Of course I am! Are you ready to lose?” She casually picked at him.

    “Ha, you wish.” With that he flipped his hair and stalked past her, brushing her shoulder with his, fighting the crowd to get to the front counter to sign up for the following days contest. May held her breath the hold time, praying that he didn’t know she was.

    * * * *

    Later that day, after the sun had set, and the air had cooled, May sat outside the Pokemon Center in the grass under the clear sky.

    She didn’t hear the soft sound of the grass crunching under shoes, so She was startled when a voice called out “Hey.” It caused her to jump and look around frantically until she found the source of her scare taking a seat next to her in the quite night.

    “Oh Drew, why are you still up?” May blushed, happy that it was dark out so Drew couldn’t see. She couldn’t believe that he was out here with her alone.

    “Couldn’t sleep.” Drew looked up at the sky, and smiled. “You know it is beautiful.” He laid back, putting his hands behind his head, and resting his head on his open palms, and propping his left ankle in his bent right knee.

    “Yeah it is…” May’s voice trialed off as she followed the suit and laid down herself, also resting her head on her open palms.

    “May, you know I’ve never felt like this before… I think I’m in love, with a girl that I never see. But I want to wait… she loves me too…”

    May’s brain shut off, and she quit listening. She couldn’t believe this. Drew was rambling, about a girl that wasn’t her, and was acting totally out of character. She quickly shut her eyes. This couldn’t be happening.

    May heard herself replying, but not knowing what she said, it was something around the lines of “Wow, I’m so happy for you.” What ever she had said had been a lie.

    They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity to May. She could heard the near by Hoothoot in the forest just on the other side of the path, feel the slightly cool breeze tickle her skin, erecting goose bumps on her arms. She could smell the spring air and hear every slow, even breath that Drew took in. She was beginning to think that he had fallen asleep until he spoke quietly, his voice almost a whisper.

    “May…” He turned his head to look at her with his glittering emerald eyes.

    She melted as her gaze met his, waiting on him to continue.

    “Thanks for being a good friend. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t came to Johto with me.” A small smile crossed his lips.

    “Uh… no problem.” May was so taken back by his actions that that was all that she could say. He was completely out of character. He had never acted like this before. But then her mind strayed to what his comment meant. As much as she loved that he wanted her there, it still hurt her to know that was all she would be… a friend.

    May turned her head back to face the sky, resting her head back on the palms of her hands. A shooting star shot through the sky and she closed her eyes, wishing her usual wish.

    “May, I gotta go to bed, I need to rest up so I can easily beat everyone. Wouldn’t want to put too much effort into it.” Drew said as he stood up.

    May giggled, sitting up and putting on a fake smile. “Good night Drew, I’ll see you at the contest:”

    With that Drew flicked his hair out of his face and slowly walked back to the Pokemon Center.

    May pulled her legs into her chest, burying her face into the top of her knees, letting the held in tears rain down. She sat there quietly and wondered if he knew that he was the only thing that she thought about at night.
    Last edited by YunaDances; 20th March 2008 at 1:21 AM.
    My siggy got banned for avatars that were my own. D:<

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    the eventless island
    Posts
    2,494

    Default

    I'll review~

    First thing's first; I didn't spot any mistakes. *sighs in relief* That is a good sign, yes.

    This piece of writing was pretty bittersweet. Ouch, poor May! That certainly would hurt, or rather, you feel like you just got stabbed. The fact that Drew is a little out of character like May's point of view pointed out made me raise an eyebrow there. I don't know whether he's the kind of person to say that so openly. I always found Drew to be so reserved when it comes to his feelings. The way you handled it was just fine.

    I would say add a little more description although I don't think you were aiming for it. xD It never hurts to do so, though. This was a pretty good one-shot for the length. I do feel sad for May, though. Good job, though! =]
    For those who'd like to keep in contact, you know where to find me. ♥

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Switzerland, Europe
    Posts
    1,469

    Default

    Let's see what we've got ^^

    Well, this is just to be picky and to mess with Mist, but I found a mistake
    Quote Originally Posted by YunaDances View Post
    He grinned, flipping his hair from his face and he reached the voice source.
    It should be "as", right ?

    Quote Originally Posted by YunaDances View Post
    “Oh Drew, why are you still up?” May blushed, happy that it was dark out so Drew couldn’t see. She couldn’t believe that he was out here with her alone.
    I think she blushes too much


    But wow, this was sad ! ._.
    I mean, really really depressing if you're a ContestShipper, you can really feel the pain May's experiencing...
    Besides Drew admitting he's in love, and the blushing they were both in character, maybe they've grown more comfortable around each other to alk freely, but I doubt it because of the constant blushing, so it might be a bit OOC...

    And the length...you could either expand the plot a little, for example in another location (after May was crying, you cold have put another scene say tomorrow where she decides to do something about it, or not and just move on...) or you could give us more description about feelings or places and such, but either way, this left me wanting more, but not in a good way :/

    Besides that, it wasgoo ! Not the best, but definately not the worst, and especially if it's not your best work
    Because of serebiiforums, my Life has been put on hold...

    ...wait, that sounds wrong...
    ...yeah, it's the other way around.

    My Works : A, B, C, D, E

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    59

    Default

    I AM a Contestshipper XD But I wanted something sad...
    I wasn't expecting it to be NEAR the best! ^^;
    And as I said, it was a warm up for my future fic, I just wanted to see what people thought of it.
    Thank you guys so much for your reviews!!!
    My siggy got banned for avatars that were my own. D:<

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    under the bed.
    Posts
    1,155

    Default

    the last sentence gave me Taylor Swift's "cause he's all i think about at night! he's the reason for the..." [i luv Teardrops on my Guitar!] XD It was good! there were some minor flaws, like run-on sentences [1 of which] spelling error [1 of which] but otherwise i liked it. May's right, how out-of-character for Drew! poor May, i hate it when people are talking to who they like and going on about this person they like!! XP i think its cruel. Yet for Drew doing it, it was more sneaky and hint-ish than cruel. it worked out!

    great work! I hope to see more than you. becase, as always, i like everything Contestshippy...thats my main 100% fan all the time ship!


    Always, I wanna be with you
    And make believe with you
    And live in harmony, harmony
    Oh love!

    I will always love you.
    Please wait for me.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •