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Thread: Twilight Tower

  1. #1
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    Hey everyone! This is my first fanfic. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know if there's anything really missing.

    Twilight Tower

    Chapter 1 Beach

    Cinnabar Island was still. The palm trees swayed gently in the sweet scented ocean breeze. Pidgey chirped songs peacefully on the roofs of the houses. The white beach sparkled on sunny days. The waves rolled quietly on the shore, colliding with the rocks for a moment. The old volcano rested peacefully in the middle of the island, it branched out into the tremendous sky. The eternal golden sun would rise in the cool mornings. The Bellossom emerged from the bushes and gathered in groups to dance along the beach.

    But today was different. The sky was dull and gray and the clouds began to darken, and the wind picked up, rattling the palm trees quickly and chaotically. The Pidgey retreated to their nests in the mountains. Small children ran with their Poke'mon to reach their homes before the expected storm came, leaving small, sweet, innocent footprints before the inevitable rain would wash them away.

    A melancholy Shannon looked out the window in her room, looking isolated. She watched depressingly as a young boy and a Machop flexed each other's muscles. They laughed for the Machop's muscles were far bigger and more toned than the boys. They then hurried back to their house. Shannon sighed. Then the doorbell rang. It was him. He was there to get her.

    J.P and Shannon walked barefoot along the beach holding hands. Shannon was happier with him.

    “I think you need a shave.” Shannon laughed feeling J.P’s face.

    “You don’t like it?” J.P laughed. “I thought you liked my stubble.”

    “When I was fourteen I did.” Shannon said. Shannon thought back to then. They were young. She recalled to the first time she noticed J.P’s facial hair. They were standing along the beach barefoot, it was a cloudy day, and they were both wearing white. It was much like right now.

    They searched for rocks that looked good for skipping into the blue ocean before the waves swallowed them back into the water. Shannon skipped her stone first. A Magikarp jumped out of the water and dived back in. They laughed. J.P threw his in next and it swiftly skipped across the ocean. A school of Magikarp now jumped up in the clear air.

    “Let’s go for a swim.” J.P suggested.

    “Okay!” Shannon agreed and they both ran into the water. They splashed water at each other. They laughed. J.P went underwater. He searched the floor for a shell for Shannon, maybe even a pearl if he was lucky.

    Underwater was beautiful. They seaweed was firmly planted to the floor. Horsea, Magikarp, and sometimes a couple of Feebas swam around even racing each other sometimes. The water was as clear as crystal and there were many beautiful shells at the bottom. The sand was a smooth brown underwater.

    J.P searched the floor for a shell of Shannon’s liking. There was one that just stuck out. It was a glimmering white with two sapphire blue dots. J.P managed to grab it before he ran out of breath.

    J.P emerged from the water. He shook his head around. Water splashed from his brown hair, gently spraying Shannon. Shannon laughed as J.P swam towards her. J.P, without a word, gave Shannon the shell. Shannon was in complete awe and smiled. Shannon embraced J.P and they hugged for almost half a minute, one lone tear trickling from her cerulean blue eyes.

    “Thank you.” Shannon whispered in his ear.

    They hurried back to shore. Shannon did not want to lose that gigantic shell. Shannon walked to her red backpack and unzipped it. She rummaged through the empty Poke’balls, homework, and spearmint gum. She found a nice compartment to keep the shell safe.

    J.P and Shannon were both smiling now. The wind picked up. They shared a short kiss. It wasn’t their first; they had been dating for about six months and had been friends prior to dating.

    Shannon made a strange face that P.J had never seen before. “Is that stubble?” She asked naughtily, her hands rubbing against his tan skin.

    “Yeah.” He replied. “You like it?” he giggled.

    “Very much so.” She said politely.

    But that was then. They were fifteen now. They were the few children who didn’t start their Poke’mon journey yet.

    “What, you change your mind that quickly?” J.P laughed. Shannon nodded proudly.

    “J.P, listen.” Shannon said, interrupting their walk. “It’s important.”

    “I’m listening. Shoot.”

    “Am I the reason you never left? You know, for your journey?” Shannon asked concerned.

    J.P wrapped his arm tighter around Shannon. “No Shannon. Of course not. Am I the reason you haven’t?”

    Shannon was silent for a moment. “Well J.P, you know it was our dream when we were younger. But the island is just so beautiful. And I don’t know if my mom could stand me leaving.”

    “Is that what you want though?” J.P asked. “To leave?”

    Shannon started to break into tears. She had to hug J.P. “More than anything. But I can’t leave now. It’s too late. I’m sure ten-year-olds could beat me.”

    “Don’t cry Shannon.” J.P said concerned. He knew Shannon looked too radiant to cry. The waves became colder and splashed against their feet. “I want to go too.”

    At that moment, Shannon shed a tear of joy. “Really, J.P?” J.P nodded.

    The gray clouds disappeared. The wind had stopped. Wingull were seen flying from the ocean heading towards the horizon as the illuminating yellow sun emerged from the dark depths of the clouds.

    Shannon and J.P grinned. Shannon looked up at the clear sky and then into J.P’s emerald green eyes and they laughed. They were happy and relieved. They continued to walk along the beach again, holding hands, A Krabby or two watched from small openings in piles of rock.

    The sun stood firm in the sky. J.P and Shannon looked up at it, and then looked down at their wet, sandy feet with small stones of all colors of the rainbow seeded into that wet sand, and made their way off the beach. They looked at the sun one last time, not knowing it would be the last time that their eyes got to see it.
    Last edited by seveguy; 8th April 2008 at 1:03 AM.

  2. #2
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    Wow, this is very interesting! I think you're doing a good job, especially with description. I can't wait for the next chapter.

    I've got nothing better to put in my sig, so I decided to put a bunch of Pikachu! Pikachu rocks!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hooray4Homestar View Post
    Wow, this is very interesting! I think you're doing a good job, especially with description. I can't wait for the next chapter.
    Thanks! That means a lot. I am done with the second chapter, but I need to put in a couple of finishing touches.

  4. #4
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    Warning: there is graphic violence, blood, and gore in this chapter.

    Chapter 2 Pods

    Gerard made his way up one-hundred long, winding mahogany stairs. His hair was abyss black; his skin was as white as snow. He wore a dark purple cloak with black tassels and his teeth were sharp and pointy.

    He approached a dark hallway. The power was out. Gerard only laughed. He continued his way down the hall. His feet made thuds on the metal floor. Gerard approached the end of the hallway, where an arch leading to the laboratory awaited.

    Gerard stepped through the steel arch and flicked on the lights. The laboratory was empty. There were eight pods, with four women and four men. A Castform was imprisoned in a cage on a lab table. There was a grand computer, and a bookshelf with eleven purple and red books. There was a chalkboard with diagrams of DNA, and drawings of Mewtwo, Dialga, and Palkia. The walls were etched with mathematics and scientific formulas

    “Kaia?” Gerard chuckled. “Are you here, Kaia?” A short woman with short violet hair and glasses emerged from the shadows nervously and then scrambled quickly towards Gerard.

    “Master, would you like a cup of coffee?” Kaia asked hesitantly. “Some green tea and honey perhaps?”

    Gerard ignored Kaia’s offers and proceeded towards the pods. He pointed to the third one. That one had bright yellow ooze and had a nude man sleeping inside. He had wavy, dirty blonde hair and orange eyes.

    “Kaia, drain this one for me now!” Gerard demanded.

    “Yes sir!” Kaia saluted Gerard and ran nervously to the control panel, and hit the yellow DRAIN button.

    The mysterious bright yellow liquid drained. Gerard devilishly smirked as Kaia observed in fear. Kaia had worked for Gerard for five months, and Gerard had yet to inform her on the use of the eight pods.

    Each pod held different color ooze. The first one was orange, while the second was a light blue. The third was a bright yellow while the third one was dark green. The fifth was a dark pink, the sixth was purple. The seventh was red and the last one was crystal clear.

    The pod took about seven minutes to fully empty. The man gradually began to twitch and shake. He tried to blink but it seemed as if his eyes were glued open. He attempted three times until he finally did.

    “Open it.” Gerard commanded. Kaia hit the bright yellow OPEN button on the control panel.

    The pod opened and a white smoke that smelled like bitter lemons infiltrated the room momentarily and then subsided. The man appeared from the smoke, he was dripping with sweat. He was breathing heavily and slowly.

    “What year is it?” The man asked.

    “No time for questions now.” Gerard replied. “Kaia, go fetch this man a cloak.”

    “Yes sir.” Said Kaia and saluted him again, and exited the room in a flash.

    “What year is it?” The man asked again.

    ”It is the year 2089, my fine gentleman.” Gerard explained. “How was your rest?”

    “Where am I? This place doesn’t look a thing like Indigo Plateau.” The man asked.

    Before Gerard got to answer, Kaia returned to the lab with a white cloak. “Here you are master. A cloak like you asked for.” Kaia handed Gerard the cloak.

    “Thank you, Kaia. But can you go get some coffee for me and this fine gentleman?”

    Kaia blushed. “Cream and sugar?” she asked.

    “Yes please.” said Gerard. “And for you, my friend?”

    The man stood there, still naked. Kaia tried to look away. “Plain black for me.” Said the man. “If that’s okay.”

    “Yes sir.” Kaia blushed again. “I’ll be right back.”

    “That isn’t necessary Kaia.” Gerard said reaching into a pocket. “Take your time.” He smiled and Kaia fled.

    Gerard peeked his oval-shaped head outside in the hallway. Kaia was gone. He chuckled. “Dress yourself, friend.” said Gerard handing the man the white cloak with purple tassels.

    The man quickly got dressed into his owl white cloak. “How does it fit?” Gerard asked.

    “Fine.” Answered the man. “But Gerard, truly where am I?”

    “Duncan, you are safe. That is where you are.” Gerard answered. Gerard smiled.

    “Tell me Gerard!” Duncan yelled, getting angry. He looked around inside his pod with a confused look on his face. “Where are they?”

    ”Your Poke’mon?” asked Gerard calmly. “They are… they are in the storage room if you wish to see them.”

    “Take me to them please.” Duncan begged on his knees.

    “Alright then. Get up and follow me.” Said Gerard.

    Duncan got up but was interrupted by a sweet female voice, “Coffee.”

    “Kaia,” Gerard snapped. “Go now!”

    “Master, you asked me for some coffee. I have it, don’t you recall saying that, master?” said Kaia, beginning to become hysterical.

    “Kaia, leave!” Gerard’s pale skin was becoming a beet red. Duncan sprung into action.

    “I asked for coffee, Gerard.” Duncan said. Kaia made a sigh of relief. “I would like it.” Duncan approached Kaia.

    “Your coffee.” Kaia smiled handing Duncan the white cup filled with his black coffee. “Master, are you sure you wouldn’t like your coffee?”

    “As a matter of fact, I do.” replied Gerard, in a more polite manner.

    Gerard approached Kaia. He got extremely close. He smirked. His raven black eyes looked deep into Kaia’s eyes. They were beginning to water. Gerard reached into the pocket. Gerard pulled his golden dagger. Kaia and Duncan’s eyes widened.

    “Master, don’t kill-“ Kaia stopped in mid sentence. Her last sentence.

    Gerard slit her throat. Kaia collapsed to the ground. The coffee Kaia had been holding spilled along her face and on Gerard’s shoes. Violet red blood spewed from the cut. It began to gush. Duncan screamed and Gerard laughed. Duncan then broke out into tears and knelt down to the corpse. Her eyes were horrifying and Duncan lifted up her light head and closed the fragile, bloodless eyelids.

    “What have you done to her?” Duncan cried as he got up quickly and began to rush out the door.

    “Halt Duncan!” Gerard commanded, placing his weapon back into his pocket. “She was a nobody! And you need your Poke’mon, right?” Duncan immediately stood still. “You wouldn’t want what happened to my assistant happen to your companions surely.”

    “No I don’t!” Duncan cried, facing the opposite direction of Gerard. His voice seemed muffled and he was crying hysterically. His face had gone pale.

    “Then come.” Gerard commanded. “I will not hurt you. You must not forget your purpose.”

    Duncan looked at what used to be Kaia from across the freezing hallway. He then began to walk. Gerard then smiled.
    Last edited by seveguy; 13th April 2008 at 12:03 AM.

  5. #5
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    Chapter 3 J.P’s Room

    It was nine in the evening on Cinnabar Island. The silver moon had taken the place of the sun in the now abyss black sky. Stars twinkled above the heavens as young lovers usually retreated to the beach for a midnight rendezvous to hold hands and lie down on the dry sand and point upwards towards the sky, making a wish to always be together if an occasional shooting star whizzed past the island.

    J.P had entered his bathroom. He undressed and sent his white tee shirt and jean shorts down the laundry shoot. He turned the shower nozzle on and stepped inside.

    “Ouch!” J.P cried stepping into the shower. J.P quickly turned the nozzle so the water would cool. “Ah.” J.P then relaxed.

    J.P got his white bar of soap and started scrubbing his tan skin. He dropped the bar once. He then took some shampoo and massaged his light brown hair with it. He rinsed it off and then did the same with the conditioner.
    He then grabbed a sky blue towel from the rack and wrapped it around his waist and then rubbed the fog off of his divine bathroom mirror.

    J.P grabbed another towel and dried off his chestnut brown hair. He flicked of the lights and then returned to his conjoined bedroom.

    J.P dropped his towel. He was now in the nude. He looked into his mirror, and his whole body reflected. He flexed nervously, even knowing he was the strongest teenager on the island. He had a toned chest, and above average abdominal muscles. And of course his forearms were big and strong, for he could lift almost anything. He usually volunteered to help newcomers to the island carry in there moving boxes.

    He had begun to work out just when he turned fourteen in June, which was late for a man his age on the island. He had just begun to date Shannon so he wanted to be in shape to impress her because he was starting to let himself go, but Shannon said he was attractive no matter how much he weighed.
    He first started to just run around the island every morning at the crack of dawn. J.P sometimes got up before the sun rose and the Hoothoot and Murkrows were still lurking around in the night.

    One dawn, around five-thirty, the black alarm clock rang. J.P’s unnoticeable thinner arm clicked the OFF button and the ringing stopped. He only brushed his teeth for he would take a shower after his recreation, but he also put on some deodorant and combed his hair slightly. He got on some clothes and was out of the house in a flash.

    The first thing J.P noticed was how dark it was. But he jogged. He jogged about one-sixth of the way around the island when he heard rattling near a bush. J.P stopped. An unusual Umbreon with coral blue stripes had stepped out, causing an aqua glow to the surrounding parts of the island. It looked mad.

    J.P continued to run. But he heard growling and looked back. The Umbreon was charging at him. His sharp fangs glowed in the darkness. It tackled J.P down tearing away at its flesh as red blood squirted out from the wounds.

    At around five forty-nine Shannon heard a knock on her door. She thought that it was J.P and grumpily got up from her bed and brushed her teeth really quick and put on some of her deodorant as she brushed through her silky blond hair at a tremendous speed.

    She stomped her way downstairs. “J.P, what are you doing waking me up so freakin early in the morning?” The knocks became louder and more frequent. She opened the door. Shannon gasped.

    J.P’s gray shirt was almost torn completely. He had three scratches on the left side of his tanned face, with small drops of blood flowing down two of them. Some of his hair had been cut off.

    “J.P!” Shannon cried rushing towards her boyfriend. “What happened?” She put her hands against the bleeding cuts.

    “A crazy Umbreon attacked me!” J.P said frustrated.

    “Come in!” she said concerned. J.P stepped into Shannon’s clean living room.

    There was a red couch and a couple of potted plants near the windowsill. There was also an eleven-year-old television set sitting in front of the couch.

    “Poor you!” Shannon said sympathetically. She ran into the kitchen for a minute and got a washcloth and wiped up J.P’s dried blood. “What were you doing out so early anyway? The sun is just beginning to rise!"

    “I was…” J.P said hesitantly. “I was doing some cardio exercises.”

    “What?” Shannon asked in disbelief. “I told you that you didn’t need to do that J.P” She started to cry.

    “Shannon,” J.P said putting his torn arm on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to impress you.”

    “For what, honey?” Shannon asked wiping away her tears. “I said you looked fine no matter how much you weigh.”

    “But all the other boys at school are just so much better looking than I am.” J.P sounded pretty sad and then thought of all the times he looked into his mirror and wished he were Blake or David or Terry.

    “J.P.” Shannon said clearing the rest of her tears and then putting her arm on J.P’s shoulder. “It’s not the size of your body that I love, it is your heart.” She smiled.

    “That’s why I was doing some cardio, Shannon.” J.P said angrily.

    “I mean your love and affection and benevolence towards me. And I appreciate that, J.P.” Shannon said giving J.P a small peck on the cheek. “But I love you and if you want to work out, work out to your heart’s content.”

    That was the first time Shannon said she loved him.

    “You-you love me?” J.P asked happily.

    “Oh J.P.” Shannon said.

    Shannon approached J.P. He grinned. And then they intertwined, engaging in a passionate kiss. J.P could not contain his emotions. He had begun to cry. And then they stopped.

    Shannon giggled. “I love you J.P.”

    J.P stopped his waterworks and then breathed in through his nose and then gave a very large exhale of relief. He stammered, “I love you too.”

    He laughed as they embraced in an even longer kiss. J.P’s shirt was still torn and a softer shade of blood occasionally trickled down his marks. His sleeves were all torn up and there was a hole just big enough to show his right nipple and a fraction of the surrounding chest.

    They stopped after a series of two other kisses, not one shorter than the last. They both took deep breaths.

    “I think all that working out has made you a better kisser too.” Shannon laughed. J.P couldn’t help laughing either. And then they kissed one last unforgettable time.

    J.P ran his smooth fingers over his immensely muscular arm. He sighed and then finally got dressed.

    He approached his medium-sized bed and opened his window. He looked out as the night breeze bit his wet shoulders. Stars twinkled in the sky. He brought his head down towards the bushes. A couple of Caterpie and Weedle emerged from the berry bushes. Bellossom headed back to the beach to their moonlight dance before retiring to their burrows. It was turning a dark indigo outside. Kricketune and Kricketot made small chirping noises in the evening ocean breeze. He saw a couple of houses turn off the lights too their main rooms.

    He closed the window slightly and flipped on the television. It was a small television, but the color and sound were normal quality. He turned it on the all Poke’mon station. It was tuned on to Near-Elite Trainers. Norman Carles and Amelia White were facing each other at Gerin Stadium. About four thousand people could be seated there. Amelia’s Froslass and Norman’s legendary Sandslash were battling.

    Froslass danced around wickedly. The arena turned an ice blue as it began to snow furiously on Sandslash but the whole room got pelted on a little. Froslass had summoned a blizzard and Sandslash had been imprisoned in a transparent blue ice block planted into the ground.

    “Use Shadow Ball Froslass!” Amelia dictated to her Poke’mon. Amelia was a near seventeen year old. Her hair was pearly pink and in two big pigtails. She wore ruby red boots with golden laces and dressed in and red skirt with a white shirt featuring a carnation pink heart in the middle.

    Froslass nodded and then looked up towards the sky. The arena became pitch black as a colossal dark purple orb began to form next to Froslass. A yellow circle had formed on the ground where Froslass was standing as white beams coming up from the earth surrounded it. The yellow ring on the ground slowly shifted to a golden color and got more illuminating and colorful as the ball grew stronger. The white beams came out more frequently as well.

    After a couple of awes from the crowd, Froslass looked forward onto Sandslash and the purple orb with a shadow black center released and flew across the arena hitting the isolated Sandslash. When it hit the ice, the orb broke making a broken glass noise. However, unexpectedly, the ice did not shatter.

    Amelia giggled. “Way to go Froslass! That Blizzard you built up was really powerful! It didn't even break from your Shadow Ball!"

    Norman however was utterly frustrated. “Sandslash return.” He held out his Poke’ball and the frozen Sandslash transformed into nothing but red plasma before returning to its Poke’ball. “Now, Charizard, go!” He threw a fresh Poke’ball into the air and after a righteous light, Charizard appeared. Froslass hid behind a rock and peeked its head out.

    Charizard eyed the frightened Froslass angrily. Froslass noticed and uttered a scared cry and hid behind the rock more. Charizard roared. He then began to concentrate; much like Froslass had did with her attack. He stomped on the ground with both feet and dented the surrounding earth. Those cracks made the air in the stadium turn a bright orange and the audience began to sweat.

    Norman chuckled.

    Norman had medium-long light black hair and wore black tennis shoes with a green jacket unzipped fully, showing a gray shirt with orange and black stripes.

    Then something happened to Froslass. It turned red. Really red. It started to burst into flames. She glided around frantically until Charizard concentrated again. This time, he summoned a brown boulder from the ground. He lifted it into the sky with his dragon arms and tried to throw it at Froslass, but Froslass was floating around so rapidly that the boulder only clipped only her bottom.

    Froslass’ eyes widened. It struck the stadium floor and it laid helplessly, Charizard approaching it slowly with Norman devilishly grinning, showing only a minority of his teeth. Froslass let out a loud cry, until completely burning into a pile of ashes.
    Last edited by seveguy; 5th April 2008 at 5:41 AM.

  6. #6
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    Seems quite interesting, but I'm not sure how the second chapter relates to the other two. But that will hopefully be revealed with time. And there is the "small matter" of separating dialogue from the rest of the sentence with a comma. Like so:

    “Very much so,” she said politely.


    A cute exterior hides inner strength ~ Suzy



    Destiny's Bond

  7. #7
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    I read both chapters and I liked it. add me to the pm list.
    Pokemon Black team:

  8. #8
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    Hello, there!

    I just came across your story and figured I'd write you a review. Hopefully it'll help you for the next chapter or story you write.

    -

    I'm rather curious as to why you're writing this and posting it in the pokémon fanfiction section. So far it looks more like an original romance fic than anything else. You could take all the pokémon and replace them by regular animals, and there wouldn't be a difference.

    It seems to me that you're writing this for the romance. Your main-character, J.P. is unrealistically awesome. You describe him as such, too. So much so that I'm guessing he's what you want to be. Good loocking, muscular, has a girlfriend who loves him very much - which is a bit hard to believe at fifteen, but it happens - and spends way too much time naked in front of the mirror.

    J.P ran his smooth fingers over his immensely muscular arm.
    It just screams self-insert. Upgraded self-insert. This fascination with your character's looks is unhealhty and annoy to read. For me, at least.

    Looking at your characters, I also see no reason as to why they don't have pokémon already. The girl mentioned something about him staying behind because of her, but I find that hard to believe. Ten year olds don't fall in love with other ten year olds, not to the point where they'd give up the most exciting thing that happens to them at that age. Therefore it makes no sense that they don't already have pokémon. Instead it sounds like a plot contrivance to make them older. In fact, the following quote implied they met much later:

    He had just begun to date Shannon so he wanted to be in shape to impress her because he was starting to let himself go, but Shannon said he was attractive no matter how much he weighed.
    There is no clear connection between the three chapters. Sure, you have J.P. in both the first and the third, but you also have an entire chapter focused on some random characters - the bad guys, I assume - and half a chapter dedicated to a character named Amelia. There is no connection between them whatsoever.

    Try describing things to make it more interesting. Don't focus on the way his muscles gleamed in the sunlight, but instead on their surroundings, what everything looked like, and the pokémon inhabiting the region.

    Talking about regions; which region is this in? Either way, there wouldn't be a wild, shiny umbreon walking around, but you should definitely make sure we realise which one it is.

    Anyway, besides that, you should find yourself a beta. To me he punctuation and grammar errors aren't as jarring as the lack of plot and the constant drooling over your character, but it's still there. Get someone to check your stuff.

    Good luck next time!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  9. #9
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    Okay so this chapter will debut a character I enjoy writing about and I hope he will bring some spunk and outrageousness to my fanfic.

    Warning: Use of alcohol and a drop of lime juice.

    Chapter 4 Danny

    “Froslass!” Amelia rushed to the horrifying sight of her beloved Froslass in a pile of ashes. She picked up some of the charcoal black ashes and clutched it, clamping her teeth together angrily and begun to cry hysterically. “Carles, you’ll pay for this someday! I swear it!” She yelled looking at a laughing Norman.

    Amelia sighed and got out Froslass’ Poke’ball. “Return!” But it didn’t return. She began to cry more. “Froslass! Return please!”

    In an instant, all the ashes swept into the Poke’ball as if it was a vacuum. It made a whoosh sound. The crowd applauded it sympathy and relief, not thinking that it could have survived such a powerful attack.

    A referee stepped onto the stadium. “Froslass is no loner able to battle! Norman Carles of Olivine City wins!” Amelia stormed off the stadium angrily as the referee held up Norman Carle’s arm for the crowd to see.

    The T.V. turned off.

    Danny had been sitting in a stool in the Polished Clam Bar in Canalave City. He was sixteen years of age. He had let the back of his perfectly straight jet black hair stream to the middle of his neck. He got envy from all the women in Sinnoh that he had the best hair. It smelled divine too.

    He had been drinking some whiskey. The bartender took his finished cup and cleaned it with a gray washcloth. “How old are you anyway sonny?” he asked.

    “Old enough.” He replied impolitely getting up the brick red stool and heading to the coat rack.

    “Better bundle up good, kid. It’s beginning to get a little nippy outside” The graying bartender advised.

    Danny smiled and zipped up his coat and stepped outside into the metal streets. The man had been correct. The wind was freezing and it had begun to snow lightly. He got out a fashionable, purple and black male scarf from his coat pocket and quickly wrapped it around his neck.

    He shivered and his breath had appeared in the air. He rolled up his sleeve and checked the time on his watch he purchased from Goldenrod City. He hugged himself warm until noticing the café across the street. The streetlights sparkled brightly in the pitch black night.

    He rushed into Sissy’s Café and opened the door. A bell chimed as a young, bubbly young lady appeared from the kitchen. Danny wiped off his snowy boots.

    “Welcome love.” She giggled. The waitress had cotton candy pink hair much like Amelia White. “What would you like?”

    “A medium coffee please.” Danny replied. “Black.”

    “Coming right up!” She blushed and ran back into the kitchen giggling.

    Mostly elderly women were in the café sipping on their teas and lattés gossiping about the latest celebrity news and sharing stories of their grandchildren on the couches and recliners.

    Danny tapped his feet on the hardwood floors beginning to whistle. The girl had then emerged from the kitchen this time walking slowly with the piping hot cup. “Is this for here or to go?” She asked sweating.

    "To go, please.” Danny answered obviously being more polite to the cute waitress than the old bartender.

    She set the coffee down on the counter and then relaxed. She giggled. “Just what I thought. Good thing I put it in the carry away cup.”

    “Thanks.” Danny said grabbing the cup and taking a sip. He wiped his lips.

    “That’ll be $3.25.” The waitress said.

    Danny reached into his pants pockets and got out some one dollar bills. He put three crumpled bills on the counter. He had to search more hardly for the quarter which he eventually came across. The waitress collected the money and stored it in the cash register.

    Danny was about to walk out of the café when he heard the waitress say, “Where are you going stranger?”

    Danny turned around. “Cinnabar Island. Where I was born.” Danny answered.

    “You don’t look like you’re from Kanto. Your skin is too dark.” The waitress inquired.

    Danny was indeed dark but still Caucasian. “My ancestors came from Hoenn.” He replied. Danny was exactly right, that’s what the people looked like in Hoenn. “Now if you excuse me miss, I have a boat to catch at eleven.”

    “Okay then cutie.” The waitress giggled. “Don’t make yourself a stranger now.”

    “For future references, my name is Danny.” Danny told the waitress. “Now that I’ve come clean, what is your name?”

    “My name is Bianca. I work the night shift.” The waitress said.

    Danny went back to the counter. “Well it was nice to meet you Bianca.” He humorously gave shook her hand. "I won't make myself a stranger."

    The elderly women giggled among themselves, whispering quietly and giggly as Bianca blushed and Danny opened the door and the bell rang once more.

    Danny was now at the port. The snow has settled a little more, but it was still rather cold. He checked his watch. It was ten fifty. He looked out towards the ocean. He saw smoke.

    For the next ten minutes, Danny sipped his coffee on a bench, waiting patiently for the boat to arrive at Canalave Port. He looked at the enormous Canalave Gym, home to Steel Typer Gym Leader Sheila.

    Sheila was very young and talented when she started training with her Piplup, only five years old. In a span of five years, Sheila caught six trusted Poke’mon, including her Piplup. At ten, she could officially start her journey, rising to the top of Sinnoh and defeating the Elite Four at age ten and nine months. Her party now is an Empoleon, a Magneton, a Steelix, an Aggron, a Bastiodon, and her party’s powerhouse, her shiny Skarmory.

    Many times Sheila was offered the a spot among the greats of the Elite Four, but Sheila refused the proposition and then made a living as the eighth and final Gym Leader of Sinnoh. She taught Poke’mon to be one with their trainers with her grandmother Jasmine. Danny had challenged her once, but failed greatly.

    The boat finally arrived and Danny was hugging himself to keep warm. By then, fifteen other people had arrived at the port, mostly grandparents to see their small grandchildren in Kanto.

    A man had opened the door to the boat as stairs emerged from the metal ground of Canalave to conjoin with the boat so the passengers could enter the ship. The man called, “All aboard the S.S Kanto!”

    The passengers all got in line; Danny was the third in line. The line had moved its way up the stairs, most of them clutching suitcases.

    The two passengers ahead of Danny, a newlywed couple, were holding hands and snuggling to keep warm. “Tickets?” The man said putting out his gloved hand. The man reached into his coat pocket and showed the man two tickets. They were headed to Celadon City for their honeymoon. He inspected the tickets and nodded in approval. “Have a great trip on the S.S Kanto. Next, please.”

    Danny stepped up.

    “Ticket, please.” The man said in the same fashion as the couple before him.

    “Here you are.” Danny said giving the man the ticket. Again the man inspected it much like the first two passengers’ and nodded in approval.

    “Have a great trip on S.S Kanto.” The man said.

    Danny stepped inside the ship. It wasn’t luxury, but it was still quite fancy, maybe like a hotel hallway.

    Danny’s family lived in Cinnabar Island until he was nine, when his mom died and they moved to start life anew in Sinnoh. His father became a wealthy investor there, which led the father and son to be among the wealthiest in the region. When he was fourteen, his dad had remarried a woman a women twelve years younger.

    Danny wasn't fond with Carol. He even disapproved of Carol at first. Carol was the woman his father had remarried. Danny thought she wanted him just for the money, but their physical attraction was overwhelming and furious for Danny could usually hear them getting intimate in other rooms while he was trying to sleep.

    Carol was an aspiring singer from Eterna City when Danny’s father Rick, age thirty nine then had her at twenty seven years on a business trip to discuss what brand of potions do best in the markets.

    Rick, a trying-to-quit alcoholic; a trait that would soon be passed on to Danny, came across Carol at the bar she was singing at. As Carol sang on a small stage, Rick could not help but gaze at her in awe as Carol winked at him and then sang the rest of the song in his direction. After the song, Carol sat next to Rick and they hit it off and became inseparable and shortly after became engaged and moved in into their grand house in Sunnyshore City.

    After the two had married, they moved to a secluded mansion in the deep woods near Hearthome City. Danny set off on his Poke’mon journey at age fourteen, only occasionally returning to his home for money.

    He explained to his father that he needed to return to Kanto to relive the place where he grew up.

    Danny walked along the halls to his hall, Hall A, which was for those on first class. His room was Room 109, near the middle of the hallway. His luggage had already been shipped to his suite in Cinnabar Island, which contained his Poke’mon and belongings. He looked at his room, which was marvelous with a king sized bed with a built in kitchen and a refrigerator full of all the liquor he wanted. Danny had drunk in secrecy, knowing that if his father ever found out, that his inheritance would surely be affected. There was also a T.V. and a conjoined bathroom.

    Each room in the ship had an intercom system so that all aboard the ship could hear an announcement. The intercom spoke in a robotic feminine voice. “All passengers aboard the S.S. Kanto please go to the Ballroom for dinner. Thank you.”

    This happened just as Danny opened the refrigerator. He wanted to drink, but he was also hungry, so he shut off the lights and left his room, making his way towards the ballroom.

    The Ballroom was also a dining area, where a marvelous buffet was laid out across a cherry wood table with white tablecloth.

    The newlywed couple he had encountered in line were wearing more formal clothes now; Danny knew they had to be first class passengers. They were dancing.

    The main dancing area of the Ballroom was made of artificial wood floors, crafted especially for dancing. There was a podium where a small band played tunes.

    The dining area had cerulean blue carpet with booths and tables for people to dine from the succulent buffet laid out. The Ballroom was the biggest room in the whole entire ship and had at least seven entryways.

    Danny grabbed as much food as possible on his plate, ranging from spicy sushi from Hoenn to corn on the cob from Sinnoh to a good old-fashioned serving of traditional macaroni and cheese from Johto’s milk farms. Of course, there was also a small bar in the Ballroom, with another bar somewhere else in the ship. Danny chose an alcoholic strawberry daiquiri with whipped cream from Kanto as his beverage and sat down at a table big enough for two.

    He ate his feast quickly to find a lady to dance with. Possibly the newlywed woman that is if the man would let him. Probably not.

    As soon as a male waiter, possibly from Snowpoint, due to his accent, picked up his plate and empty glass of daiquiri, Danny rushed to the dance floor. He was about to dance the last minute or so of the current song playing, when the band stopped playing abruptly and a old man stepped onto the podium.

    “Good evening everyone.” The old man said. “I am the captain of this boat. My name is Captain Limbley. I would like to inform everyone of how this boat will work. This boat will stop first at Viridian City port, a newly established port for all of you unfamiliar with the Kanto region. There you will have easy access to Pallet Town and Pewter and Cerulean City from complimentary buses. You can also visit the old Indigo Plateau, which is now a museum.” Captain Limbley explained.

    “Then our next destination will be Vermillion City port. You will have access to Lavender Town and Celadon, Fuschia, and Saffron City from their, again all from complimentary tour buses. Our last stop will be at Cinnabar Island. There will be a complimentary ferry to bring you to Seafoam Islands. Also, there is a Poke’mon Festival to take place in a week in Pewter City to get hands on training from expert Poke’mon mentors. Plus, all the shops and foreign food you could ask for. There is a pamphlet on the end tables of your beds if you are interested. Well, sorry to interrupt the fantastic music of The Ecruteak Sugar Blossoms. Have a nice trip aboard the S.S Kanto. We should be arriving in Viridian City about one o’ clock tomorrow afternoon. Thank you.”

    After the long speech made by Captain Limbley, Danny had gotten quite annoyed and retreated to his room grumpily. He undressed into boxers and a gray undershirt and lay on top of the white cotton covers.

    He turned on the T.V. There was an unsolved mystery show on regarding the disappearance of Johto Elite Four Member Will, who had disappeared in about 2016. His ally; fellow now-retired Elite Four Member Karen is still alive and resides in a private island somewhere around Kanto. She knows nothing, except that all the others are dead. Danny changed the station. It was some cheesy comedy.

    He thought about his Poke’mon. His beloved Marshtomp must be heartbroken and his Pikachu has been itching to evolve. His Haunter had just evolved from a Gastly, and he felt it needed some spiritual support. Danny had a bad boy exterior but deep, deep down, he loved his Poke’mon and his father to death, and that would never change.

    He then finally reached into the refrigerator and got out some sour green apple schnapps and opened the large bottle easily and chugged it. He felt a little lightheaded afterwards and slowly made his way to the light switch and turned it off. He then barely made it into the bed and crept under the cold snow white covers and felt asleep.
    Last edited by seveguy; 13th April 2008 at 12:01 AM.

  10. #10
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    IT was good, could've used a wee bit more detail though.

    Looking forward to the next chapter.
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  11. #11
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    Chapter 5 Laboratory

    Duncan’s feet slowly and hesitantly walked along the cold stone floors back into the laboratory. Gerard was grinning; his arms were stretched out and had a hold of both sides of the archway.

    “I’m glad you came to your senses Duncan.” Gerard said. “Now come with me.”

    Duncan began to weep as he looked down at Kaia’s corpse and then continued on. He looked at the Castform, which looked like it was very scared. Duncan looked at the equations and formulas written on the walls and then thought about Gerard.

    They continued into the next room, which had the same midnight blue stone floors and walls as the previous room. Except this one had racks and racks of cardboard boxes. They all looked wet and damp and all read MOSSDEEP CITY STORAGE CO.

    Gerard got a ladder next to one of the racks and placed it above the third rack and retrieved the box.

    “Are they in there?” Duncan asked, now sweating.

    “Be patient.” Gerard said blowing off some dust on the box. “If I recall, you are the one who specialized in the electric type Poke’mon.”

    Duncan nodded.

    “You have a Luxio, an Electabuzz, a Lickitung, a Gengar, a Magnezone, and a Voltorb.”

    Duncan nodded again.

    “Well then, here they are.” Gerard exclaimed dumping the box out. The Poke’balls clonked on the cold, hard floor and then rolled. Duncan collected them all.

    Duncan was still sweating and panting, wiped sweat from his chin. “Now please Gerard, tell me where I am.”

    “Those questions can be asked later Duncan.” Gerard said making his way back into the lab.

    Duncan, starting to get annoyed and very frightened followed Gerard back into the lab. His arms were getting tired from holding all his companions’ Poke’balls.

    He set five of them down gently on the floor and without a remark from Gerard began to send out one of his Poke’mon.

    Gerard spotted him and then quickly snatched it away from his hands. “There will be time for that later Duncan.” He collected the other five and set them on the table with the Castform. It jumped.

    Gerard made his way toward the control panel, and then crouched down to a file cabinet. He got out an injection shot.

    Duncan gasped and ran towards the exit. Gerard then laughed and touched the LOCK DOWN button.

    A wall of cold gray stone began to descend from a crevice on the top of the arch. It reached Kaia’s corpse and crushed her. Duncan thought he would go into convulsions after hearing the fragile bone crack. The door closed and made a thud sound just before Duncan got the chance to jump over it.

    “Please don’t kill me Gerard.” Duncan pleaded reaching his arm out and then broke down in tears and knelt. He looked at Kaia, whose legs and feet were the only parts visible. Blood stained the bottom of the rock.

    “I won’t kill you.” Gerard said coming down the two steps that led to the control panel. He then slowly walked up towards the table with the Castform.

    Castform began to shudder as Gerard arrogantly began to shake the cage. Castform began to move in one corner. Gerard picked up the cage and slammed it against the ground. It did not break but Castform looked mutilated with several cuts and bruises. Castform began to chant a frantic sound and it shivered as Gerard lowered the needle into the cage as it tore into Castform’s cushiony shell. Its eyes widened. Gerard then pressed the button at the bottom of the injection needle. The green ooze then disappeared. Castform began to bleed frantically from everywhere in its body, as if it were swimming in a pool of blood. It thinned up and then died a slow, excruciating death.

    Gerard then got a petite silver key from pocket and spun it around like a Ferris wheel around his finger. He opened the cage and picked up the Castform and set it on the table. He then went to a desk near the drawings of Mewtwo, Dialga, and Palkia and got out a large whit mallet.

    He approached the Castform. Its eyes were still open and dried blood had covered up his whole body. Without further ado, Gerard raised the mallet with some difficulty and then crushed it down on the Castform, turning it into nothing more than a pile of gray colored dust.

    Duncan felt like he knew Castform’s pain. He ached to watch. He was sweating uncontrollably. “Gerard,” he said sickly. “What are you doing?”

    Gerard got a bucket and pushed all the remains of Castform into it. “You are not as wise as I thought you were Duncan,” he said. “I thought an excellent trainer could help me with my quests, but I see you are of barely any use.”

    Duncan backed away towards the stone door.

    “You underestimate the power of a Poke’mon, Duncan.” He said gathering up the last piles. “Every Poke’mon has powers. It is up to the trainer to decide how to manipulate their Poke’mon’s powers. Some use them for friendship, others for entertainment purposes, some for fame and glory, the elderly for assistance. But only the wise know how to get the most out of that power.” Gerard explained heading towards a table or two to the left of the Castform’s cage. There was a funnel and a small computer. Gerard dumped the dust into the funnel.

    Text rapidly appeared on the small computer. A female robotic voice began to speak. A projection of what was on the small computer appeared for Duncan to see on the main computer.

    “Processing… Processing… Please wait.” The computer said. “Castform detected. Proceed?” Gerard began typing. ‘You have chosen to proceed.” The computer said.

    “What are you doing Gerard?” Duncan asked.

    “Time will tell.” He replied typing away quickly at the computer. “I myself don’t even know. I just know that I have the power. And the power is good."

  12. #12
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    Was really short but good. I had actually thought this one had dissapeared off the map. Looking forward to the next chapter. Poor pokemon....poor girl....stupid dishonorable Gerard...stupid cowardly Duncan. Grrr...

    But really.

    Looking forward to next chapter.
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  13. #13
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    It was...

    very hard to follow. I'm sorry to say but this while you may have a lot of originality going, is poorly written. You have some grasp of how to tell a story but at the same time no idea whens the best time to describe something and not, and when you do describe something, its choppy and painful to the eye.

    The story barely flows, to many periods and to many stops. Not enough description or actions at all. We are just to assume many things happened in between characters as well as characters feelings as well. I don't feel any sympathy for Ducan or any of the other characters. And his whole chapters are very illogical at best.

    I suggest you read more stories and practice what you see. Things need to flow and this just doesn't. I have very little interest in the characters and it was so hard to follow simply because the whole thing was about as easy to read as reading greek.

    You describe things that don't need describing, half the scenes you put into the story felt like they were unnecessary and the things that could really use a better description of were ignored.

    I still can't figure out whats going on.
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

  14. #14
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    Chapter 6 On the Boat

    There was screaming.

    Danny eyes shot open like a bullet in an old western movie. He rubbed his eyes a little and yawned.

    He woke up the feeling down in the dumps. His ears were ringing, his mouth tasted like a nuclear wasteland, his hair was dirty and dry and he was sweating.

    The first thing Danny thought about when he woke up was how thirsty he was; his most frequent hangover symptom. Breakfast was served from six-thirty in the morning to ten-thirty. Danny looked at the alarm clock at the end table. It was nine.

    More screaming.

    “What the heck is going on out there?” Danny shrugged. He made his way into the bathroom.


    Danny hopped into the shower, and started singing old rock and roll classics. He used extra melon-scented shampoo and conditioner. The shower was hot, just the way he liked it.

    Danny got out of the shower and wrapped a hot pink towel around his dark body and began to brush his teeth using the free spearmint toothpaste and mouthwash. He got out some clothes he brought along, a nice yellow summer polo shirt and some tight fit jeans from the most expensive stores in Sinnoh.

    The screaming continued.

    Danny walked out of his room and entered the hallways. People were crowded around the room two doors down from Danny, Room 111. The door was shut, with passengers jammed into the hallways, whispering about what happened.

    “Did you hear?”

    “No, what?”

    “Something happened in that room last night. Something dangerous.”

    “Oh my! To who?”

    No one knew.

    Danny made his way toward the front of the concerned people, most still in their pajamas. One woman who looked around her early forties had pink curlers in her hair and a white nightgown with purple and green flowers on it. She was holding a cup of coffee in a white mug and had salmon pink slippers on.

    “What’s going on?” He asked tapping her back.

    The woman turned around. “I don’t know. It woke me up though.” She said pouting.

    “Something pretty serious, right?” Danny asked. “I woke up to that too.”

    “Things out of the ordinary have been going on lately.” She said. “Have you noticed that there hasn’t been one sunny day since last week? It’s the middle of summer from Pete’s sake!” She giggled a little. “By the way, I’m Marge.”

    “What are you doing here on this here ship?” Danny asked.

    “I’m here to visit my son in college. He attends Mt. Melrose Academy. You know, the one just southeast of Kanto? I’m planning to take a ferry.” Marge explained.

    Danny nodded. “Expensive?” Danny knew how expensive college was, and Mt. Melrose was one of the top universities in the world. Even his father would have to get a second job if Danny ever went there.

    “Yes.” Marge bolted. “And he’s practically failing all of his courses. He’s a very lazy boy. But he is very bright. He just distracted. He's always hanging around that little girlfriend of his."

    “What does he study?” Asked Danny politely.

    “Ah, just mechanics. If there’s one thing that boy of mine had ever been good at, it’s been fixing things. And of course, getting the girls.” Marge explained.

    The crowd began to get louder. The door to Room 111 opened swiftly. Two Jynx filed with nurse caps on filed out the room looking blank. They turned separate direction and stood at each side of the door. Captain Limbley and what seemed to be a doctor emerged.

    Captain Limbley struggled to say, “Something terrible has happened on this boat.” He spoke quietly. “We have a killer among us.”

    Uproar arose in the crowd. Danny could hear the petrified shrieks of two blond girls and then glanced over at the newlywed couple. They were holding each other. The woman’s eyes were welling.

    “The victim was found this morning by a cleaner.” The doctor explained. “She was laid out of her bed, which was stained with blood. She was holding her throat.”

    “Who could have done this?” The newlywed groom yelled from the back of the crowd.

    “From the looks of the blood, it was done sometime very, very early this morning. Around two or three I suppose.” The doctor said.

    “What do we do?” yelled Marge. The crowd began to get even noisier.

    Captain Limbley spoke up, “Silence!” The crowd came to a halt. “I suggest that you all go eat breakfast now.” He suggested. “We will be arriving at Viridian City Port shortly. Anyone who wants to get off can go.”

    “And what about the body?” The groom asked.

    “I will take her to the morgue in Viridian City Hospital as soon as the ship arrives on the harbor. Her identification I found in her room says she resides somewhere in Kanto so her family shouldn’t be such as hassle to find.” The doctor said.

    “I think we should go to breakfast, Marge.” Danny whispered into Marge’s ear.

    “That sounds lovely. But I never got your name son.” said Marge.

    “I’m Danny.” replied Danny. “Maybe you should get dressed first though.” Danny said scanning Marge’s apparel.

    “Okay. My room is right there but I don’t know if I can make it through.” Marge said pointing her finger to the room across the Room 111. That’s where the newlywed couple was standing.

    “Don’t worry ma’am.” Danny said clutching Marge. They made their way into the crowd and some passengers yelled.

    “Hey! Watch it kid!”

    “Look where you’re going!”

    “Ow! Watch it!”

    “Sorry!” Danny said. “I need to escort this lady to her room here.” He said as he approached the bride and groom.

    “Excuse me.” Marge said.

    “Sure ma’am.” The bride said grabbing her husband’s tan arm and moving out the way.”

    “Say, who are you?” The man asked.

    “Danny Nidara.” He said. “Of the Sinnoh Nidaras.”

    Marge slid her pass key into a scanner and the red light turned green. Marge turned the knob and entered.

    "Jack Green.” He said reaching his arm out. Danny shook his hand. “Where are you headed?”

    “Cinnabar Island. My birth home.”

    “My wife Celina and I are headed to Celadon City for our honeymoon. Are you trainer? I would really like to know if the Gym Leader there is tough. Have you faced her?”

    Danny shook his head. “I’ve only trained in Sinnoh and Hoenn. I’ve garnered thirty one badges altogether. I made it to the League in Hoenn a couple of months and got to the quarter finals. Got killed.”

    “I think it is still Erika, the legendary Nature Loving Princess. She’s got to be in at least her early seventies now. She has some potions though that makes her look about four decades younger though. I need the Rainbow Badge.” Jack said.

    “Erika?” Danny said in disbelief. “She’s still kicking?”

    Celina nodded. “If Jack here beats her, he will have all eight Kanto Badges. He’s been looking forward to going to the League there for as long as I’ve known him. He has qualified for every League in every region. He’s gotten close to winning them too; he got runner-up in Johto three years go. All he wants in to go to Kanto to win the League there.” Celina said.

    Jack blushed. “My first ever Poke’mon was my trusty Treecko. And I’ve caught and trained over seventy Poke’mon after him. All of them have helped me in my journeys.”

    “You’re from Hoenn too?” Danny said. Jack nodded

    Marge emerged from her room. No longer in her nightgown, Marge’s dark brown hair flowed with many curls.

    “Let’s go eat, shall we?” Marge said.

    “Yeah.” Danny said. “Jack, Celina, would you like to join us?”

    “We’d love to.” Celina said.

    They walked along the little less crowded hallway. It was more spacious. Danny looked at Jack and Celina holding hands. Danny scanned their bodies from foot to head. Jack said he was from Hoenn, but he had a Johto skin tone. Celina was obviously from Hoenn from her dark skin complexion and blue-black hair and ocean blue eyes. Jack had spiked bangs with chestnut brown hair.

    “Were you born in Hoenn Jack?”

    Jack shook his head. “Born in Blackthorn City. My cousin Vanessa was Claire’s daughter. We took her in when Claire got killed in 2009. Then we moved to Hoenn. I met Celina there.”

    “How old are you?” Marge asked. “

    “Jack is thirty. I am twenty-nine.” Celina said.

    The group of four reached the ballroom, where soft rock music was playing over some speakers. It was much less lively, with Jynx waitresses and no dancing. It smelled like bacon and scrambled eggs.

    Unlike the night before, food was served instead of the buffet format. They were seated and an unusual Jynx with red hair, purple dress and blue lipstick handed them menus.

    By the time Danny finished his eggs benedict, cranberry juice and banana but muffin, the S.S. Kanto had stopped at Viridian City Port. The party decided they rather enjoy a cup of coffee than watch that strange doctor carry the body of the young woman out the boat. Half the passengers were gone by the time the boat left the Port.

    “Do you think whoever this killer is may still be on the boat?” Marge said digging her fork in her omelet.

    Celina shook her head. “I think she might have done it to herself. This Kanto sea breeze is making me feel a little bit crazy myself.”

    “Not me.” Marge laughed. “I was born in Lavender Town and was near the water all the time when I made my frequent boat trips to Johto. Eventually I moved there before I had my son. His father was from Johto.”

    Marge began to weep. “He was killed when my son was one month old. The killer was never found. But the odd thing is he was killed by a slit throat too. Was Claire killed like that Jack?”

    Jack shook his head. “She was gunned down after a late night at her Gym. As soon as she stepped out, bam! She was blown to pieces. That sick man was never found either."

    Celina patted his back.

    “Well don’t you think it is unusual that there have been two deaths where throats were slit and on all three the killer was never found, if there was a killer for the one that happened this morning?” Danny inquired.

    “I don’t know there champ.” Jack said. “Haven’t you noticed that there hasn’t been a truly sunny day this whole summer?”

    “Something fishy I going on.” Celina said. “I can feel it.”

    Suddenly the music stopped. Jack and Celina looked at each other. A robotic female voice began to talk on the intercom.

    “EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION. EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION. THE S.S. KANTO HAS SUCCESSFULLY BEEN DOCKED AT VERMILLION CITY PORT. PASSENGERS, IF THIS IS YOUR DESTINATION, PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY UP TO DECK A. THANK YOU FOR THE S.S. KANTO AND WE HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.” The voice said. Then the music began to play again.

    “That’s us.” Jack smiled. “Nice talking to ya.”

    The four exchanged phone numbers. Jack gave Danny a hug that a football player would give to his teammate, and Celina gave him a kiss on the cheek. Marge just hugged them.

    Jack and Celina headed out of the ballroom.

    “I better go back to my room, Danny.” Marge said. “Here’s my number. Thanks for the breakfast.” Marge said handing Danny a bookmark with the number written on it in blue ink.

    “Here is mine.” Danny said grabbing one of the table’s napkins and writing his cell phone number on it. “So long Marge.”

    “Bye Danny.” Marge said.

    They went back to their rooms separate rooms.

    Danny watched a drama movie on T.V. from twelve to three-thirty. He ordered room service and ate quietly in the kitchen, still baffled on why the murder occurred.

    "I was pretty drunk last night." Danny thought. "Did I do it?"

    Danny then lay down on his bed, watching TV. He looked out the sliding glass doors that led out to a private balcony. He watched the sky get darker and darker. He heard a flock on Wingull in the sky. Then the sound faded.

    It sounded peaceful for the first time that day. Danny took a nap.

    He awoke in his bed wondering if the whole day had been a dream. The sky was pitch black. "Guess not." Danny thought.

    Danny then went out on the balcony. The night was quiet. The only sound was the blue waves hitting the side of the luxury tour ship. He wrapped a blanket around himself and sat down on a patio chair. He gazed up at the white stars glowing in the dark sky. The white clouds had turned into a navy blue at night.

    Danny looked towards the west. The wind nipped at his face and it turned rose red. He saw the big green island in the distance. It was Cinnabar Island. That was his stop.

    He sighed and slowly paced his way back into his quarters and laid down on the bed looking at the television one last time with his eyes half open. An infomercial was on. It was three in the morning. The boat would be there by six, seven tops.
    The Ballad of the Mountains

    Part I

    Chapter 2 added

  15. #15
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    I bet Marge shall be next to die...that is...if anyone is gonna die again on the boat.

    Anyways, I liked it. Can't wait till the next chapter. XD
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    I bet Marge shall be next to die...that is...if anyone is gonna die again on the boat.

    Anyways, I liked it. Can't wait till the next chapter. XD
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    It's okay, from what I've read from it.. it needs a lot of development though. The characters are given these tiny descriptions and the characters seem to be inserted for no reason. I only read two chapters and I might look back again in time, but I don't feel any driving incentive to read other than your request.
    When a friend gets mortally wounded everything gets put into perspective. Its time to go find the cure: Lugia.
    Running Away From Dreams - A Fan fiction (complete)
    Jamie never wanted to be a trainer but Tom didn't like being dead. The adventures of Jamie and Deadman

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    A therapist's Sofa
    Posts
    996

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    Well I just got off reviewing a pretty sucky fic so if you find me being a bit harsh, pay it no heed as it won’t affect my judgement when reading this so, as Mario would say, let’s a go.

    Small children ran with their Poke'mon
    With this, its easier just to go with pokemon. People won’t mind that you couldn’t find the e-with-posh-accent button.

    J.P emerged from the water. He shook his head around. Water splashed from his brown hair, gently spraying Shannon. Shannon laughed as J.P swam towards her. J.P, without a word, gave Shannon the shell. Shannon was in complete awe and smiled. Shannon embraced J.P and they hugged for almost half a minute, one lone tear trickling from her cerulean blue eyes.
    This bit was quite annoying to read, you don’t always have to say the characters name in reference to them. If there are only two people in the scene, he and she do perfectly fine.

    Shannon made a strange face that P.J had never seen before
    P.J? I thought it was J.P.

    For a prologue/chapter 1 thingy, it was all right. It set up the scene, it introduced the main characters, I assume, and it also left it on a slight cliffhanger. Ooh, mysterious.

    The first bit of the second chapter reminds of the ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’ video by Daft Punk. Such a cool song :]

    Take me to them please.” Duncan begged on his knees.
    This seems, out of place. The atmosphere was one of calm and friendliness, so I saw no need for this ‘Duncan’ to beg on his knees for a simple request.

    Gerard is quite the nasty pasty isn’t he? Although the emotionless psychopathic personality of his is really fun.

    J.P got his white bar of soap and started scrubbing his tan skin. He dropped the bar once.
    : o. Don’t drop the soap!

    for a man his age
    He is only fifteen right? I wouldn’t class him as a man.

    He got on some clothes
    It would be nice if you described these clothes, only slightly, so the reader can get a better grasp of his appearance.

    An unusual Umbreon with coral blue stripes had stepped out
    Is this your first fic, if it is, bad idea! No matter how much I like Umbreon (Which is a lot) it isn’t a good idea to put shiny pokemon in your fic, unless the rest of the story is so amazing, a shiny pokemon doesn’t really tarnish it.

    J.P could not contain his emotions. He had begun to cry
    Lol. *puts on drill instructor voice* you little sissy girl, only sissies cry. Lol.

    “I think all that working out has made you a better kisser too.” Shannon laughed. J.P couldn’t help laughing either. And then they kissed one last unforgettable time.

    J.P ran his smooth fingers over his immensely muscular arm. He sighed and then finally got dressed.

    He approached his medium-sized bed and opened his window
    Wait! Has this thing changed scene. It has. If you want to change scene within an instant, always use some variant of

    * * *

    It makes it look nicer AND lets the reader know the scene has changed.

    a couple of houses turn off the lights too their main rooms
    That should be either, ‘to their main rooms’ or ‘in their main rooms’

    After a couple of awes from the crowd
    This doesn’t make sense, you could say ‘with the crowd in awe’

    Froslass let out a loud cry, until completely burning into a pile of ashes
    Overkill much; surely killing the opponents pokemon isn’t in the league rules as allowed.

    He got envy from all the women in Sinnoh that he had the best hair. It smelled divine too.
    This bit made no sense. At all, I get he has nice hair but the sentence structure was awful.

    He had been drinking some whiskey. The bartender took his finished cup and cleaned it with a gray washcloth. “How old are you anyway sonny?” he asked.

    “Old enough.” He replied impolitely getting up the brick red stool and heading to the coat rack.
    How a sixteen year old could drink whiskey and not get firstly, drunk as a fart and secondly, pass out/blinded/dead is beyond me.

    He got out a fashionable, purple and black male scarf from his coat pocket and quickly wrapped it around his neck.
    Hair of which women are envious, a fashionable scarf. This screams something, erm I’m sure, it rhymes with hay and bay. Erm… what is it now.

    He rushed into Sissy’s Café
    Does J.P own it? Haha.

    The elderly women giggled among themselves, whispering quietly and giggly as Bianca blushed and Danny opened the door and the bell rang once more.

    Danny was now at the port. The snow has settled a little more, but it was still rather cold. He checked his watch. It was ten fifty. He looked out towards the ocean. He saw smoke.
    Again this bit could use a scene break. Unless he can instantly teleport.

    remarried a woman a women twelve years younger
    Double typed ‘a woman’

    Sunnyshore City
    Slight nit-pick, but is spelt ‘Sunyshore’ one ‘n’ don’t know why, don’t ask me why.

    He looked at his room, which was marvelous with a king sized bed with a built in kitchen and a refrigerator full of all the liquor he wanted. Danny had drunk in secrecy, knowing that if his father ever found out, that his inheritance would surely be affected. There was also a T.V. and a conjoined bathroom.
    I thought you said it wasn’t luxury.

    needed some spiritual support
    His Haunter needed spiritual support, *tumbleweed* you’ll never make it as a stand up comic.

    Gerard then pressed the button at the bottom of the injection needle
    I’m sure that’s called a plunger.

    More screaming.

    “What the heck is going on out there?” Danny shrugged. He made his way into the bathroom
    ‘Cos that’s what I do when I hear ominous screaming, have a shower.

    Are you trainer?
    Hmm. Are you reading your chapters before posting them. Schoolboy error there.

    banana but muffin
    It’s a banana but also a muffin? Technology these days eh.

    “Something fishy I going on.”
    Just a missing s in is.

    Well then after four pages (on Microsoft word) of grammatical nitpickings and general advice, I bring myself round to the conclusion of it all.

    Well, it was fairly fun to read, a bit difficult in some places but generally the grammar was alright and the plot seems to be going somewhere but I’ll be damned if I know. It doesn’t flow right, and I like a fic to flow nicely. Breezing through as if you’re watching a film and not reading a fic, this sadly doesn’t have that.

    It would be wise to go back through this, change all the silly errors you’ve made and add extra parts, omit certain parts to make it flow better. A complete rewrite and this could be quite good. Just read the Advice for Aspiring Authors sticky and perhaps some four and five star rated fics, get a better idea of how these people how made there fics flow etc. (obviously without plagiarising them) read and learn.

    You do (on the up side) have a potentially great character in the mysterious Gerard. Having a good baddie is sometimes half the quality of your story and while being described as evil and psychopathic, he doesn’t feel evil and psychopathic, he certainly acts that way, but there is no emotion. (To be expected in serial killers, but you still need to have it.)

    Overall I would give it a 4.3 out of 10. But with a complete overhaul it could do better.
    Skogsrĺ

    Gardenia never liked the Old Chateau, but what if the Old Chateau liked her?

    Author's Profile

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    143

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diddy View Post
    Well I just got off reviewing a pretty sucky fic so if you find me being a bit harsh, pay it no heed as it won’t affect my judgement when reading this so, as Mario would say, let’s a go.



    With this, its easier just to go with pokemon. People won’t mind that you couldn’t find the e-with-posh-accent button.



    This bit was quite annoying to read, you don’t always have to say the characters name in reference to them. If there are only two people in the scene, he and she do perfectly fine.



    P.J? I thought it was J.P.

    For a prologue/chapter 1 thingy, it was all right. It set up the scene, it introduced the main characters, I assume, and it also left it on a slight cliffhanger. Ooh, mysterious.

    The first bit of the second chapter reminds of the ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’ video by Daft Punk. Such a cool song :]



    This seems, out of place. The atmosphere was one of calm and friendliness, so I saw no need for this ‘Duncan’ to beg on his knees for a simple request.

    Gerard is quite the nasty pasty isn’t he? Although the emotionless psychopathic personality of his is really fun.



    : o. Don’t drop the soap!



    He is only fifteen right? I wouldn’t class him as a man.



    It would be nice if you described these clothes, only slightly, so the reader can get a better grasp of his appearance.



    Is this your first fic, if it is, bad idea! No matter how much I like Umbreon (Which is a lot) it isn’t a good idea to put shiny pokemon in your fic, unless the rest of the story is so amazing, a shiny pokemon doesn’t really tarnish it.



    Lol. *puts on drill instructor voice* you little sissy girl, only sissies cry. Lol.



    Wait! Has this thing changed scene. It has. If you want to change scene within an instant, always use some variant of

    * * *

    It makes it look nicer AND lets the reader know the scene has changed.



    That should be either, ‘to their main rooms’ or ‘in their main rooms’



    This doesn’t make sense, you could say ‘with the crowd in awe’



    Overkill much; surely killing the opponents pokemon isn’t in the league rules as allowed.



    This bit made no sense. At all, I get he has nice hair but the sentence structure was awful.



    How a sixteen year old could drink whiskey and not get firstly, drunk as a fart and secondly, pass out/blinded/dead is beyond me.



    Hair of which women are envious, a fashionable scarf. This screams something, erm I’m sure, it rhymes with hay and bay. Erm… what is it now.



    Does J.P own it? Haha.



    Again this bit could use a scene break. Unless he can instantly teleport.



    Double typed ‘a woman’



    Slight nit-pick, but is spelt ‘Sunyshore’ one ‘n’ don’t know why, don’t ask me why.



    I thought you said it wasn’t luxury.



    His Haunter needed spiritual support, *tumbleweed* you’ll never make it as a stand up comic.



    I’m sure that’s called a plunger.



    ‘Cos that’s what I do when I hear ominous screaming, have a shower.



    Hmm. Are you reading your chapters before posting them. Schoolboy error there.



    It’s a banana but also a muffin? Technology these days eh.



    Just a missing s in is.

    Well then after four pages (on Microsoft word) of grammatical nitpickings and general advice, I bring myself round to the conclusion of it all.

    Well, it was fairly fun to read, a bit difficult in some places but generally the grammar was alright and the plot seems to be going somewhere but I’ll be damned if I know. It doesn’t flow right, and I like a fic to flow nicely. Breezing through as if you’re watching a film and not reading a fic, this sadly doesn’t have that.

    It would be wise to go back through this, change all the silly errors you’ve made and add extra parts, omit certain parts to make it flow better. A complete rewrite and this could be quite good. Just read the Advice for Aspiring Authors sticky and perhaps some four and five star rated fics, get a better idea of how these people how made there fics flow etc. (obviously without plagiarising them) read and learn.

    You do (on the up side) have a potentially great character in the mysterious Gerard. Having a good baddie is sometimes half the quality of your story and while being described as evil and psychopathic, he doesn’t feel evil and psychopathic, he certainly acts that way, but there is no emotion. (To be expected in serial killers, but you still need to have it.)

    Overall I would give it a 4.3 out of 10. But with a complete overhaul it could do better.
    I have to say I laughed at all those stupid spelling mistakes I made.

    Well, for the people who don't think my description isn't that great, don't fear, because I just requested a Language mentor on the Beta House.
    The Ballad of the Mountains

    Part I

    Chapter 2 added

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